SitcomD&D - S5 E6: Public Ratlations

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

When the BUGs discover a new law has been passed forcing establishments to post a picture of their chefs on their doors, they need to publicly address the fact that their kitchen is run by rats.Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Karen. Arnie? Hello. Did you guys know that when you made a character in one of these episodes and you named him Arnie, that was actually like kind of, that's my name. And so I thought, that's crazy. No way. I didn't even realize we did that. I got to come to LA and see these guys. Wow, and you've broken into Aaron's home. Yeah, she just climbed right up through the front.

Whoa. Sing us a song, Arnie. You want to hear a song? I figured you would sing the theme song live. Oh, that's a ridiculous assumption. Oh, my God. He pulled out a guitar. He has a guitar.

This is a genuine surprise. I got good news, too. I real quick, quietly, while you guys were talking, I listened to the theme so I remember it. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, we're picking up a none other than Bottoms Up, baby. And as this kind of par for the course, it is a semi-normal day.

I mean, there's been some law changes, seemingly, you know, passed through this season that seem a little targeted, if we're being honest. But other than that, it's a normal day at Bottoms Up. So I, for one, am excited to see what the gang is even up to. And with that, Quiet Unset, sounds speeding, and we're rolling! Dice! Dice!

Click, click, click. When you need a break from this crazy world to see some friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step-by-step our growing pains are improving home and away. We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but the good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends.

Hey! There you go. You guys have an amazing recording. Have really a lot of fun. And Sean, just real quick, personal note for me. The rules are actually written that way for a reason. And I would appreciate if you'd sort of adhere to some of the rules that Dungeons & Dragons tries to lay down. And like say in theory, if someone falls like 200 feet off of a glacier or something, they actually have to take 20 D6 damage.

They don't just bounce back up top and not die. If you're going to come after Sean, you also have to come after Ben, I think. No, Sean is the DM. He enforces the rules. I don't make the rules. I don't know the rules. You have three total listeners who care about D&D, and I'm one of them,

and I'm the voice for all three of us. Okay, good luck. Have a great recording session. Aaron's coming back. Thanks, Arnie. Bye, Arnie. I told you I had a good luck. Have a great recording session. Aaron's coming back. Thanks, Arnie. Bye, Arnie. I told you I had a good thing. Starring Aaron Keefe as Chalice Glass,

Elizabeth Andrews as Beef, Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney, Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant, and Sean Coyle as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Okay, I think we should add a rule. I think you should have to take a shot if any

patron asks you a question today. Okay. More rules? We already got some coming from John the Crier. But these are fun rules, chippy boy. Oh, to offset the bad rules? Yes, it's a fun drinking game thatippy Boyle. Oh, to offset the bad rules? Yes, it's a fun drinking game that we're playing.

Sugar with the medicine, okay? Makes it go down. We'll get drunker and drunker. Take a shot any time there's toilet paper in Chalice's feet. So constantly? That happened once and it was seven months ago. Maybe it'll happen again. I don't think so.

You've got to take it off. You should take it off the shoe. I don't know how. Didn't you talk to a wizard? I did and he didn't know. And his brother didn't know. It's like a disease or something. I'd like to make a rule.

Yes. Okay. Every time somebody says this big, you have to do a push-up. Anytime someone says, this big, you have to do a push-up? Yeah, I don't think I get it. Come back. You guys know what they're saying about toilet paper on a shoe and a wizard? It's normally like, you take a shot if you...

But you know what? So that's sort of a fun little bonus rule. I love it. Oh, how about... This big. Oh, push-up. Yeah. Oh, how about... This big. Oh, push up. Yeah. Oh, beef.

Sorry. Oh, beef. What is in that? Well, I had one of my late night snacks, milk and some grass. Looks like a bunch of yarn. And grass and yarn. Yeah, well, the yarn gives the flavor. The grass is just there for substance.

Was it quilted together when you swallowed it? Yeah, I ate a blanket, all right? I was hungry. I was almost very impressed. I thought your stomach was knitting. Yeah, me too. Oh, do a shot. Hello.

Yes, hello. Hi. Hi there Yes I am here Welcome Can I see your ID? Yes here it is Thank you

And if you could just sign this waiver please Alright there it is You can get in this wagon now And put on these baseball mittens This is a gym? No no no no We just You should have been there

Alright well I uh Where is your head chef? Head chef. Oh, Jennifer? Oh, Jennifer. Jennifer. Yeah. Jennifer, tip of my tongue.

I guess I've never thought of her that way. Are you asking for Jennifer? Is someone asking for Jennifer? And you hear just chaos from the kitchen. Lots of pots and pans clanging around. And the scurrying of what must be hundreds of other rats. Um, she's working right now. Can we take a message?

Um, I actually, I am here to, um, do her portrait. To do her portrait? I'm here to do the portrait of your head chef, yes. Wow. Okay. Why? I didn't realize she's so fancy. Seb, were you just repeating everything?

I was writing it down. You're taking a message. I missed that. I missed that. Jennifer pushes out of the French doors to the kitchen, and she's wiping her hands on a little apron. If they want money, don't tell them I'm here. Oh, I don't think they want money.

They're here to paint you. To paint me? Yeah, paint a portrait of you. Sorry, sir, we didn't catch your name. Yeah, wait, and is this for like a wanted poster? Or what is this? Do you need other people in the portrait? Yeah, how can we kind of be in the tableau?

in the portrait? Yeah. How can we kind of be in the tableau? My name is Cigarette and I am here on behalf of the king. Oh. Well, I guess on behalf

of the law. I mean, you must know the new law that's been passed. Okay, everybody. You know what that means. You know who's coming. Lock the doors.

Turn off the lights. Everybody just get down. Get down. Sir, sir. Get down. Sir, shut up and get down. Cigarette. Get down. What? Oh. Please. Sir, sir, get down. Sir, shut up and get down. Cigarette, get down.

What? Oh. Please. The law has already been passed. You have to post a portrait of the chef preparing the food on the door of the establishment. Why are we hearing this from you? Yeah, wait. Normally a man that cries constantly comes in here.

Oh, okay. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Hello? Oh, man. Nobody. I'm sorry, I'm late. Are you guys in there? Nobody move. Shut man. Nobody. I'm sorry, I'm late. Are you guys in there? Nobody move. Shut up.

Nobody move. I was up late studying, and I missed the bar exam. What a nerd. And then I went and I asked if I could have an extension. They said no. Of course. That makes sense. Then I missed my duties as being the crier.

And so I'm sorry I'm late, but there's been a new law and I can tell you it. Just say it. Just say it and leave. I know you're in there. Just say it and leave. Just say it and leave. Good lord. I want to tell you guys to your face if you're there. No, no. Maybe hang out and talk about what happened. What if we're not here?

What if we were just gone? Seb, put the sign out. Stop tilting. Seb, put the sign out that says we're not here. Do the do not disturb thing on our doorknob. Maybe if I put this sock on, he'll think we're having sex. Okay. But I have to do it really slowly. I'm opening the door.

You guys are at home. Slowly. I put the sock on. Slowly. Wait, what is that? Easy. Shut the door. Shut the door. Ew. Slow. Wait, what is that? Easy. Shut the door. Shut the door.

Ew. No. What? All of you? It's working. Oh. It's working. Just say it and leave.

Okay. I'm leaving. Okay. Fake step. Fake step. Fake step. Fake step. He's saying fake step. Ear to the door.

Just leave. Oh, pervert. God, he's's saying fake step. Ear to the door. Just leave. Oh, pervert. God, he's such a pervert. I hate him. I heard that. I'm going to smack the door with his ear against it. Yeah, smart. What else would they say?

I go up to the door and I smack it as hard as I can. Okay. Give me a strength check. Okay. 18. Okay. The door rocks on its hinges. Obviously, it doesn't come off,

but his head rocks off the other side. Oh! Oh, my God. They're actually doing it. Hard. Well, you heard the law if I said it. Did I say it? I can't remember.

You didn't. Oh, God. It's just that you have to post a portrait of the chef preparing the food on the door of the establishment. And you guys haven't done it yet. So you have to do that. Okay. All right.

Thanks. I'll be back soon. Bye. Bye. I'm coming. Sexually. Not to the door. No one's coming to the door.

And he's truly gone. I can't believe that I was sad that he didn't show up initially mr cigarette i think i'm ready for my close-up no wait hold on hold on this is another incredibly personal and pointed law towards us we have a jennifer no offense a literal rat thank you cooking in our kitchen oh, people are gonna think that You know, it's disgusting Because, well, no offense, Jennifer But it kinda is

What? You love this Shit I cook up! You can't get enough Of it! I mean, I literally Eat dirt, grass, milk And I ate a blanket So... You guys drink piss all day Like, what the fuck are we talking about? This guy. Like, what the f*** are we talking about? This guy just threw up yarn.

Like, what are we talking about? This guy? I actually cook food. But Jennifer, I think if we put up a picture of a rat that people are going to stop coming here. Yeah, unless it's a rat who looks like this. You're just doing like pouty lips.

And sticking my ass out. Yeah, Chalice, I get what you're saying. These rules seem so pointed, like, right at us. Like, no matter what we do, there's always going to be a rule. Should we go to the castle? And kill the king? I'm drunk already from the game that we're playing. Well, I don't even know, man.

I feel like this is all just going to keep happening if we don't do something about it. I agree. This is not affecting Tops Down at all. Motherfuckers. F*** them. I f***ing hate them. Who is their head chef? It's Aniston.

It's not a cat? The perfect cat, yeah. Perfect. Oh, my God. I knew it was something cute. We're all looking through the blinds across the street at the portrait. What if we just somehow made Jennifer cute? Pretty woman!

That would be an easy least positive resistance. Yeah, because I don't think we can get people to change their minds about rats in a day. We could also, oh, now that's interesting, Chalice. Now that's interesting, Chalice. Perhaps instead of doing a makeover at Jennifer, we can just change everybody's minds about rats. Why not both? Why not both?

That's a great idea. To be clear, though, we're going to try Chalice's thing first, right? Is Chalice's the makeover? No, mine was to change people's minds are up about rats. For the record, I think my idea is a bad one. Hon, I like it and I think I'm going to try that one.

And I think I'll do the makeover. I will opt into the makeover. Not that I need it, but hey, it could be fun. I'm just here for the ride. Let's be honest. Beef, you're the one

with all the disguises. Do you want to grab the wig wagon? Way ahead of you, sweet tart And Beef's already like pulling in the wig wagon From the alleyway Yeah, this guy's good This guy's ready to rock

Whoa, sir, sir, sir, don't start painting yet We will tell you when to go I have limited time, I need to start painting Oh, shoot, okay Alright, who would you want to eat food made by? Like, let's sort of... Chalice brings out the chalkboard that they have. Yes.

We'll design a perfect chef. Yes. Appealing words for a chef. What do we got? Rat. No. Write it down and cross it off. Great.

Rat. I'm on the board. X through it. Hat. Chef's hat. Great. Chef's hat. That's great. X through it. Hat. Chef's hat. Chef's hat. That's great.

Actually, so erase the X that you did, and then erase the R, and then put an H. Okay. Great. Yeah. Chalk is expensive. We don't want to waste chalk. Okay. H.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Clean. Clean. Oh, clean. Clean is good.

Clean. Beef. Is, clean. Clean is good. Clean. Beef. Is this a new word? No. It's going to be your word of the day today. I mean, no, I've learned clean a long time ago. I just, I always see kitchens be so grossy, you know? All kitchens are grossy.

Josie, right? I don't think they're supposed to be. Clean fingernails. Clean fur. Clean hair. Hairnet. Hairnet. Under the hat.

Or I could just be in one. Tiny little glasses. Tiny little glasses. Sophistication. Glasses. Sleeve of tattoos. Yes. Sleeve of tattoos. Knives tattoos knives for hands knives for hands thank you

uh chain smoking oh during a break i feel like lots of chefs do that this is true i patch i patch i patch great beef sort of a flawed conviction to their obsession and their creativity. Flawed conviction to obsession and creativity. And what does that look like, Seb? What does that look like? The tattoo sleeve. Tattoo sleeve. It's the tattoo sleeve, yeah.

Yeah, this is 20 gold coin worth of chalk. I hope this is worth it. What about satisfied? They have a satisfied look to them, like they've eaten something delicious. Satisfied look. eaten something delicious satisfied look something delicious yeah okay i think that this is all doable did you get knives for fingers yeah did you get that in there yeah i did knives for hands oh i like fingers knives for fingers could you put

aka fingers if it's fingers it's more knives yeah more knives okay anyway there could be more knives. Yeah, more knives. Anyway, there could be more knives. You know what, Jennifer? We could go to my manicurist. She's about five doors down. She could maybe give you a knife manicure. She's a real bitch, though. Should we go? You have a problem with her? You haven't met Beef's nemesis, my manicurist?

Yeah, she sucks. She's the worst. What happened between you two? Yeah. What? She sucks. She's the worst. What happened between you two? She owes me money. Oh, it's a money. That's so interesting. Beef, I never see you as somebody that would like care enough about money to like cause a dispute. Money to eat.

Oh, edible money. She owes you edible money? She owes me a dinner. Oh, okay. Okay. Edible money. Interesting. money she owes me a dinner oh okay okay edible money interesting she owes me a dinner and that woman won't give it to me i don't understand her god i hate her i don't know beef it sort of feels like you guys got something going on hate and love love are very close emotions. That can't be true. I hate Jennifer.

What the f***? All right, let's go make me a real chef. What? No, I'm not going to let you just go on some adventure. We'll do the portrait now. No. No, I cast sleep on him.

Don't stop our plans. We'll do the portrait now. No. No. I cast sleep on him. Don't stop our plans. We have plans. We're going to Rat Deo Drive. Yeah, we're going to Rat Deo Drive. Thank you, Elizabeth. How much, like, HP does sleep work on? I have to roll. It's the first time Elizabeth's ever been proud of me.

It felt really good. 19. 19. Okay. His eyes roll back in his head and he starts to fall backwards dead asleep. Alright, let's go. This only lasts a minute, I think. We gotta get out of here. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. He hits the ground hard.

Could've caught him. Could've caught him. Didn't. Beef takes the yarn blanket that he threw up and he puts it over. Ew. Oh, the guy. He's sleeping. Yeah. Yeah, it's nice. I thought you were going to take it with us. And you're out the door.

Can we go to like the strip that is like palm trees and all of the salons and fancy stores and stuff? A la Pretty Woman. Yes, yes. Salon is what you walk into. It's straight out of Pretty Woman. And it's also straight out of Zootopia, where there's like the big store, and then right next to it there's like a little tiny door, where like rats go in

as well. It's kind of happening simultaneously. So it's for like really upscale humanoids, as well as little tiny creatures too. And it's like all these like really vibrant pastel colors. And another little bell all these like really vibrant pastel colors. And another little bell goes off as you make your entrance.

Bonjour. Hi, everybody. Oh, hi. Hi, Charlotte. Arrivederci. How are we? Oh, Beef, good to see you. Do you guys have an appointment?

No. Beef, breathe. No, we don't. Actually, we were wondering if you had any walk-ins available for our little rat friend, Jennifer. She needs a full makeover as soon as possible. Ooh. And also your big rat friend. And Chip walks in wearing the Chucky Buster's mascot outfit.

And he's going to try and convince everybody that rats are nice. I see where this is going. Oh, we're doing both plans. Okay. Interesting. Hello, I tip a lot, by the way. My name is Rattrick. Okay.

Babe, I love you so much. It's so nice that you're really going all hauling on my idea. You mean the world to me. It's such a good one. My idea kind of sucks, the makeover thing. You're being really sweet. I don't think it's going to work at all. Jennifer's going to look horrible. Hey, Chip,

I think there's something in that fur. There might be fleas in the fur of that thing because I'm getting very itchy just seeing this. Interesting. I doubt it, Seb. I'm not sure this is going to do what you want it to. Okay, sounds good. What a pessimist. I love him. Love him to death. Chip, you can't stop itching

yourself. It's because Seb got in my head about this thing. It's wild. He could be right. Hmm. Beef, you're crazy, dude. I know, I'm insane. But Watkins,

let's see, and you see this woman that you recognize as potentially Beef's nemesis, who runs this operation and is one of the stylists here and works at the salon. She's got like a really big like beehive hairdo. And it's like just as tall as she is. So if you took off her beehive hair, she would be half the size, essentially. And she's got really long fingernails.

And they're beautiful and almost like radiating light. And she's like going through her little schedule book. Um, yeah, I could do something quick as she, oh, she's your tiny little thing. Okay.

Yeah. I could take you right now. And then, um, let's see. Rattrick. Uh, why don't we set you up with Ronnie?

Are you busy? I could do it. Oh, excellent. Ronnie looks very nice and I love everybody. What a nice guy. Okay, well, you're with Ronnie in the back then. Yes.

And then you, sweet little thing, why don't you hop up on this chair? Don't have to ask me twice. I'm going to get pretty. Oh. Woman. Oh. Chalice, Beef, and Seb sit and are flipping through magazines while the other two get their nails done.

Okay. Wow. And so she gets to work on Jennifer, and you head to the back, Chip, and you're greeted by Ronnie, and he's got a chair waiting for you. Oh, excellent. Ronnie, you are handsome.

Thanks. Wow, that actually felt better than I expected it to. All right. Yes, of course. I mean, I'm very nice, and also we all rats are very nice, by the way. Spread it around. Cool. So, what can

I do for you today? You know, I'm kind of looking for inspiration. So, what would you do? As soon as you pop that... Give me a deception check. No, don't do this, Sean. Give me a chance. Arnie is in the room.

Guys, we gotta... I can't get away with it anymore. He's standing behind me with his arms crossed. He is. You're going to have to do this with disadvantage too because he's going to give you a haircut, potentially. No, I've just got my nails done. Oh, it's just nails.

Yeah, come on. That's advantage. So with disadvantage or no? No, no. With just regular is fine. Okay, well, then just regular is a nat 20. Oh, my God. Don't you feel that?

You're really selling this. And maybe he's distracted by the fleas that are jumping out of the fur. But he's like, yeah, no non-living thing would be a host for so much life as this is. Yes, very true. And he gets to work on your nails. While this is happening, can Chalice go over to the party city and try to buy three more rat costumes for her beef and Seb? Sure. Yeah. We'll go over to the party palace is the name of it

here. And it's shaped like a little castle. That's kind of like the architecture and you walk in and there's just general party supplies. There's like cheaper cups for mead. There are several aisles with different banners for Frasier, for celebrating other holidays. Just a lot of good time trinkets and cheaper plates and all that kind of stuff. So it's Party Palace and you're there. Hi, you might remember me. I was in here a few weeks ago buying a tobogganate outfit. Your number one selling outfit.

Of course, yeah. Welcome back. I would like to see if you have three rat costumes, one elf size, one human size, and one beef size. You know beef. Oh, yeah, I know beef. You know his measurements. He's in here a lot. I know his measurements.

He actually, he needs to return that hot dog costume. I will never! You need to, or I'm going to charge it to your account. I'm not coming back in here! We have, like, picture in picture in the bottom corner of the screen. And it's just the beef and Seb reading cam. And we're both just kind of sitting. Putting the cologne and perfume samples on your neck.

Oh, that does smell like slate. There's like a ton of portraits of beef at the party palace that are like, don't let this guy in. And it's like different disguises. Like he's wearing the fake glasses and nose and a lizard hat. To be fair to that business, that's in so many different businesses, I'm sure, around Frasier. So I can do

obviously the elf size and the human size, but I can't get you the beef size. His credit is run through. Can I have a tobogganate costume in the beef size at least? I am not giving the beef size. His credit is run through. Can I have a tobogganate costume in the beef size at least? I am not giving anything beef size. What? I cannot go back empty handed for a beef costume.

He'll freak out. He scratches when I don't bring him a costume when the rest of us are wearing costumes. He scratches, sir. That is your problem. Get that little animal in line. Oh, sir. So here are two rat costumes.

48 hours is the rental total agreement. Can I have another human sized one? Roll for deception. Definitely gonna give it to beef. You're not gonna give that to beef, are you? No. 18. No is good enough.

Okay, well then three rat costumes here, all humanoid in size. We got like a brown rat here, black rat, and like a white rat with red eyes. Those are the three costumes we got. I hope I don't get that one. Okay, fantastic. Yep, that is just going to be, let's see,

six gold pieces. Ugh. Are we rich this season? You've got enough pocket change on you. Great. I pay. I won't steal or kill him. You want what? Yeah, she says that out loud.

Nothing. Okay. Yeah, tell Beef to bring back the hot dog costume. Tell him to bring back the ball player, the president's assassin. Hey, sir, can I level with you? You're never going to see those costumes again. I would buy a new hot dog costume.

Also, I don't think after what Beef's done in it and to it and with it, I don't think you want it back. Ew. All right, I'll see you tomorrow. I bring the rat costumes want it back. Ew. All right, I'll see you tomorrow. I bring the rat costumes back to Beef and Sub. Chalice, I read the most amazing article.

Dogs aren't people. Huh. Anyways, what do you got there? So, you know how Chip is being really, really sweet and he's doing my idea to also try to change people's minds about rats. Yeah, and he's flea-ridden. Yeah. He's a good boyfriend. Well, I got us all rat costumes so we can also be on our best behavior all day and try to change people's minds about rats.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that sounds fine. Wait. Where did you get these? I had them. Oh. Cool. I don't want the white one, though.

He freaks me out. I'll take the white one. All done. Am I beautiful? Whoa, all your fingers are knives. Do you like them? I just feel like it's going to really mess up our high fives. There's pretty infrequent, Seb.

Let's be honest. True that. True that. Don't touch me. Also, I have an itch on my nose. Can someone get it? I don't want to take my own head off. Speaking of itchy.

Whoa. Whoa. How do I look? How am I looking? Wow, you got lash extensions too, huh? Chalice. Seb. Beef.

How am I? Beef. Oh, where are these rats? Beef. Psst, Chip. Where are these rats beef chip where are these rats oh oh is that you chalice yeah sorry you're just kind of freaky to look at right now oh come on you know with the red eyes you look like manicula but like a rat i have i'm trying to change people's minds today i didn't want to be this no no no you but people will love it people will love it

and also by the way when i was back there, Google was back there too. And I asked them how to make people like you. And I got a whole list of things that we could try. Okay, great. No way. We can use people's names, ask questions. We smile with feeling. Sincere compliments.

Handling criticism with tact. That doesn't sound like us. I figured that one would be the hardest one. So we can maybe just avoid getting critiqued. Great. Yeah, and that's most of them. But Chip, your nails and your lashes, you look really good. Like, you should be doing this more often.

Oh, really? Wow. Oh, wait. What was I supposed to do? Handle criticism with tact. Thank you, Beef. Because normally I don't look that good. I appreciate that.

Well, I mean, I guess, yeah. Did someone itch my nose before I die? I'm going to die. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got it. And Chip uses his brand new beautiful fingernails and itches her nose while also maybe spreading fleas to her as well. Ooh, I think I'm ready for my close-up.

Shall we? Yeah. Can we go to the haberdashery and get you a hat maybe and impress them with our compliments and sincere smiles and all sorts of other things? Yeah, sure. Why not? I love a little spending spree. Maybe we'll get me a little suit. Can I get a suit? Do they make suits for rats? Well, they do now.

Let's go, rats. Oh, shoot. The artist is outside. What? The artist is outside on the street. Wait. Let me put this sock on. I'm doing it. I'm doing it slowly. Excuse me. Is there? Oh.

What is? Oh. Leave out the back. Leave out the back. Leave out the back. Leave out the back. Before they leave out the back, Beef pushes all the magazines off the table looking straight at the manicure's size.

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oak, polished, or leather. It's pretty gorgeous to behold. Can I do a perception check to see people's read on five giant rats and one little rat entering this establishment? Yes. Oh, another nat 20. Oh, damn, this is our day.

With a nat 20, no one's openly moving to remove you from the establishment. That's good to hear. But you are not welcome is the vibe that you're picking up on. And with a nat 20, you see that there is an owner of this haberdashery. And he looks up at you from behind his desk and he looks mad and he's coming over. Oh, okay.

What do you, what do you want? Hello, sir. Here's a compliment for you. Normally the people in this line of work are rude, snotty,

and work with so much mercury that they literally go mad. You don't seem to be any of those things. I'm, I guess, a different kind of mad. That was amazing, Seb. Also, what's your name, sir? It says on your name tag that you are Man-ager. Is that your name?

That is my title. Huh? I'm a manager. Oh. My name is Gleck. Well, Gleck. Gleck, Gleck. Gleck, Gleck, Gleck.. My name is Gleck. Well, Gleck. Gleck, Gleck. Gleck, Gleck, Gleck.

Gleck. Gleck. Oh, my God. You're covered in fleas. Oh. Gleck. There's literal creatures hopping on you, little bugs. Thank you.

They are bugs, and there are many of them. I agree. Okay, get out. Get out. But we need a chef's hat. I don't sell f***ing chef's hats. This is a haberdashery. For fancy

hats for fancy people, not rats. Your most expensive hat, sir. Guys, we gotta do this. We gotta do this for the sake of rats everywhere. One of your most expensive hats. There's no way a flea-ridden rat can afford my most expensive hat. Oh, God. We're gonna have

to buy this. We're gonna have to buy the hat. Bring it out. There's absolutely no way. Bring it out to us now. Please. Now, please. Big mistake. Huge.

Pretty woman. He sighs, goes around into the back, comes back out holding a box. Well, that hat looks beautiful. It's a box, idiot. Chalice goes to put her hand in the box. And he pulls out a little needle and puts it to your neck. Oh, jeez.

I thought you were going to do the pretty woman thing. What the? No, you got doomed. You got doomed. You just got doomed. I thought I was going to get pretty womaned, but I got doomed. Now, if you're ready, you can gaze upon

this hat. But I don't want you touching it. I don't want your fleas anywhere near it. It is a hat imbued with such beauty that it brings royalty to their knees. They will weep when they see it. Whoa. It is a hat sewed

one stitch at a time by 10,000 different individuals. Sab's gonna be so pissed that we're spending money on it. They sew one stitch in their lifetime and then passed it on to their next of kin. What? So it's been around for 10,000 generations?

You're selling it? Shouldn't it be in a museum or something? No, I'm just dunking on you. And I'm showing you it. Because you're rats and you're disgusting and you should look at one beautiful thing before you die. We got to take you to a museum, beef. I wish you knew how to say that word i'm sad you don't know it well mr glack i could tell you that i'm certainly looking at one beautiful thing before i die and i look right at him what's that it's it's you sir you're absolutely stunning. I've never seen eyes so far apart.

Yeah, I know. I look f***ed up. No, no, no, sir. No, no, no, no. Sir, is that what... Good Lord, is that what the people of the haberdashery have been saying to you? I look f***ed up and I got a frog tongue. No.

Well, you know what? Sir, you do have a frog tongue. And that's what makes you special, Mr. Gleck. That's what makes you you. I love your little frog tongue. No, you don't. You guys are just messing with me because I was being mean. No.

Probably shouldn't have been mean. You're being mean too now. Not being mean. I'm being genuine. We'll do a poll. What do people feel about Mr. Gleck's frog tongue? I love it. You guys want to see that?

It is pretty cool. Yeah. Okay. He opens it up and it's like a bejeweled denim. Like bedazzled? Yeah, it's a bedazzled denim hat. It has bedazzled hearts

on it. That's it. Wow. I check to see if Chalice is weeping and falling to her knees as royalty. I am not. Now, how much?

How much? Well, I paid 300 gold pieces for this. Money well spent. Money well spent. What a deal you got. Because I was told it was worth way more, like maybe double that. They basically let you steal this thing. Yes, exactly.

Yes, yeah. So I would never sell it. Yeah, and we couldn't possibly take it from you. We would feel like thieves, no matter the price. Isn't that right? Surely. Are we about to take this hat? I don't want it.

I do not want it. It's cursed. It's the ugliest hat ever. I don't want it. I do not want it. It's cursed. It's the ugliest hat ever. I don't want it. If I do not let me talk, somebody shut me up because I'm about to go off about this. You're going to have to knock me out.

I swear to God, beef punch me as hard as you can. Knock me out. I mean, this place doesn't even have chefs at. Why are we still here? We're trying to convince people that rats are nice.

Oh. Beef punches chalice in the stomach. In the stomach? What did you say? Stomach? Sorry. Well, sir, it's been wonderful conversing with you. And like I said, I just don't think we can take this away from you.

If you could potentially point us in the direction of somewhere that could sell lowly chef's hats, well, that would be just all right, Mr. Gleck. Well, you know, now that I'm thinking about it, there was, yeah, let me go check in the back. He goes back to the back and comes back out. This is, well, it's probably the closest thing I could find to a chef's hat. I think these used to be used as chef's hats maybe like 50, 60 years ago. And he gets out a hat that sort of resembles a chef's hat.

It's not quite pristine white. It's a little bit dingy. It's more of a gray, but it's approximating the shape of a chef's hat. This is on the house if you want it. Oh, well, we couldn't. On the house? You're too kind, Gleck.

Gleck, you're the nicest, prettiest, coolest, fantasticest, cleanest man we know. Gleck, can we buy you a hat? Buy me a hat? Yes. You have a head for hats, Mr. Gleck, sir, and we would simply adore buying you whatever hat you please. Oh.

Oh, no singing, no singing, no singing, no singing. Only me, I guess. Well, keep going. Feel free free a hat is a hat a hat is a hat and beef is like going around the whole um haberdashery and you know i'm thinking bell on one of those ladders that are like at a library and he's like flying through and he's like, which hat will be your hat? A hat is a hat, no matter how hat. And he tosses a hat onto your head. Yeah, Gleck has just been spinning, arms out, tears streaming down his face.

And then a hat plops onto his head and he goes, it fits like a glove. No, it fits like a hat. Yay. It fits like a glove. No, it fits like a hat. Yay! So you're saying that this would be for me? Yeah. This is a very expensive hat. Oh, it is? Beef.

15 gold pieces. It's yours. I'm going to throw up. But we got to go. We'll pay for it. We'll pay for it. And we're happy to do so. We had to do both plans. We had to do both plans.

We had to do both plans. He's just being a supportive boyfriend, Seb. He's just being nice. Yeah, Seb, just think of this. You're helping the longevity of their relationship. Seb? It is really nice. No, I had to think about it for a second,

but I'm genuinely, you know, I share dreams with Chalice. I know how much Chip means to her. Seb! Well, I told him in the past not to tell me about your shared dreams. That's a privacy thing, and I feel bad invading it. Longer ponytail. That's all I'm going to say. That's all I'm going to say.

I'm trying. Seb is trying. Anyways, 15 gold pieces for the hat. There's a limit to my hair for some reason. The second that the gold hits his hand, he spins around again in jubilation, and tears are streaming down his face. Oh, I thought we broke a curse or something. You did break a curse.

The second you bought me a hat, I no longer have to sell hats. Klecki is free. Klecki is free. Klecki is free. Okay. I'm telling everybody. Unbelievable.

I'm telling everybody about you rats. Yeah, thank you. Incredible. Yes. Thank you so much. You should go on TV and tell everybody. I don't know if I have access, but if I can, I will. Yes. Thank you so much. You should go on TV and tell everybody. I don't know if I have access, but if I can, I will. Run.

Just run. All right. Thanks a million. And he heads out the door and he's into the street. I love this plan. Kind of mad we're not getting credit for this. If I'm being honest, if I'm just cards on the table, a little upset we didn't get credit for that because that was pretty awesome. Yeah, we have a bad reputation

too. Beef's not allowed in half of these stores anymore. We could have just been doing this for us, but we're doing it for rats. What's up, guys? Jennifer's eating an ice cream cone. Oh, yeah. Hi, I forgot about it. You weren't here? No.

We got you a almost chef's hat, and it probably has to get tailored down a little bit. Oh. To the tailor. Yeah, maybe let's go to the tailor, get the hat fitted, and then I guess Jennifer wants to wear a suit for some reason. Oh, yeah, I did want to wear a suit. Only if there's time.

To the tailor we go. Just make sure we don't go to Taylor Carpenter. He may have a bad beef. Me and Chip actually have a real bad beef with him. Time. To the tailor we go. Just make sure we don't go to Taylor Carpenter. He would have a bad beef. Me and Chip actually have a real bad beef with him. You were a bad beef? One of our apprentices went awry. I need to know so much about beef today.

Beef's not proud. No. Well, Chip started it. That's how it went awry. I was trying to start a beef with somebody because I thought it'd be funny since it's your name. Who have we not burned bridges with? We can go to Tinker. Oh, I like Tinker, Taylor.

Well, as the rats, we haven't burned bridges with anybody. Oh, that's a good point. Let's go to Tinker. Okay. Let's go to Tinker. Anybody have a sense that he might be a spy? I've thought that every time I go in to get my pants on. No, he's a soldier.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I think he is a soldier. You're right, Jennifer. But I think he's a soldier for the other army. Oh, sneaky, sneaky. You'll see, guys. We'll go in there and he has big, major spy vibes. And so you walk into Taylor's shop and there are suits and different cloths kind of laid out

that might be even sections of future suits or taken from others. And there's little pin cushions with a bunch of pins on them. And all the accoutrement that goes along with being a tailor. What else, Sean? What else is in the tailor's shop? I'm thinking of measuring tapes. There's measuring tapes everywhere. He's going to be okay. Whoa, people are tripping on them. There's measuring tapes everywhere. He's going to be okay.

Whoa, people are tripping on them. There's spectacles resting on the bridges of everybody's nose. That's very funny. Everyone seems to be wearing a really well-fitting suit that's very unbuttoned. Almost too unbuttoned.

And on the wall are portraits of Tinker with pseudo celebrities. So you actually see the Harfoot Contessa has come here to the tailor before and there's a portrait with Tinker and her. And then there's a bunch of other pseudo celebrities that you see. Dick Wolf, the manager,

has come here to get his stuff tailored. Gary the old man. Gary the old man. And then you see a bunch of foreign political leaders are also in portraits. He's standing with them. He's done tailoring for them. Who's there? Oh.

Just a bunch of enormous rats. That was so suspicious. Hi. Sorry. I was so suspicious. Hi. Sorry. I was expecting somebody else. The weather on this plane seems like rain. But where I come from, it's very warm. That's not it.

That's not it. Cool. Trying to guess, Seb. Sick, dude. That would have been sick if you guessed right. Oh, I thought he was just making horrible small talk. That's what I was doing. What's going on? guess, Seb. Sick, dude. That would have been sick if you guessed right. Oh, I thought he was just making horrible small talk. That's what I was doing. What's going on? Oh, nothing.

Are you guys not the... Oh, um, hey, do you guys need some suits? This is the most obvious spy I've ever seen. What if we give him good advice and we help him out a little bit? Maybe he'll like that? That's, well, yes, but we can't out the fact that we know he's a spy. Yeah. Okay. I know that makes it really hard.

Sir, we're here for two things. We're here to get our littlest rat, Jennifer, a suit. Hello. Because she's getting her portrait done today. And if you have any leftover fabric, our friend Sebbert here is actually training to be a spy. So we're here to give him good spy advice and get him a cool spy suit.

Yes. Okay. Also, we have to make this hat smaller. Sorry. Okay. If you guys are here to kill me, just do it. Just do it. No, we're not. Yeah, we're not actually killing. Okay. Yeah.

That's just a actually killing. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That's just a dark joke. Oh. Tinker, you old so-and-so. Okay. Okay, so you're training to be a spy, and we need to make a little suit for this tinier rat and maybe fix this hat.

Okay. That's a lot of things. Also, could you take this hot dog suit in just a little bit? In? You want it to be a little sexier? Yeah, a little sexier. Hug the curves a little more?

Yeah, hug the curves a little more, girl. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. Could you cut a hole in it to make your midriff showing? Yeah, you gotta have somewhere for the tummy to breathe. And that's the least crazy thing

he's done to this costume. I'll tell you that much. Okay. Alright. Give me a few minutes and I'll take this back. As for you, any advice on being a spy? I would say I don't know much about it, but if you have other

career options, I would pursue those. Because it's not worth the stress. It is not worth the stress because... Freeze! I just wanted to see what you would do. I just wanted to see what you would do. We're trying to have a good reputation. Why do you have that needle at my neck all of a sudden?

My God. You got dune. He's dune-ing you. Cool. I'll head back-ing you. Cool. I'll head back there and get to it. And he takes the stuff and he goes back.

Okay, we need to help him. Yeah, it's just such, he's kind of pathetic. He's pathetic, yeah. You know what? Instead of making him a better spy, it sounds like his real dream

is to not be a spy at all. Wow. So we're going to get him fired? I think. so we're gonna get him fired i think you're gonna get him killed yeah no no no we'll quit on his behalf how it's a good question it's an excellent question i'm so sorry you went full force at my idea and i am sort of poking holes in yours. I'm so sorry. No, no, no, no. No, we should try to get him fired. You're gonna get him killed. No, this is a great idea, babe. But who?

Thanks, hon. That still doesn't answer who. Who is he a spy for? Well, he was expecting someone to come here. Oh, he was expecting somebody. So we just have to wait it out and I'll say I already killed him. And then he can live a normal life. And I look like a terrifying, scary rat.

That's a great idea. You do, with your eyes. If somebody comes in, everybody hide, and I'm going to pretend to be an international spy rat named... Slexlana. I mean, damn it. No, Slexlana. Great. I will be international spy Slexlana, and I will murder or talk to that person.

Either or. I've been quick to kill this season. I've got to talk to my therapist about that. You're being your therapist again? Yeah. Good for you. It's healthy. Thanks.

That's actually really good. Can't be good for you, though, Chip. And someone wearing a trench coat and a fedora that the brim goes way low past their nose walks in to the shop. Monsieur, you're too late.

The deed is already done. And I cannot wait to tell my boss how slowpoke you are. Am I pulling this off? Yes. You're doing great. You're doing great.

Give me a deception check with advantage because you're using an accent and I appreciate the effort. I would never off? Yes. You're doing great. You're doing great. Give me a deception check with advantage because you're using an accent, and I appreciate the effort. I would never have gotten that. The whole time Chalice is doing this, Seb has a sock in his hand ready for plan B. Plan butthole. Yeah, plan butthole.

I got a 25. Oh, my God. Put that sock away, Seb. She's blowing this up good style. I'm putting it back on my god. Put that sock away, Seb. She's blowing this up. Good style. I'm putting it back on my foot. And this whole time, Chip is using a lint roller to try and get the fleas off his suit. I didn't think the target was supposed to be eliminated. Oh, I guess your pay grade has been demoted, sir.

I laugh at all your little information, you know, monsieur. Oh, no. Well, I suppose you should go have a drink and take the rest of the afternoon off. I've got it from here. Oh, and as you know, do not tell anyone what you saw here today. They are going to pretend it's a different story. Monsieur. Monsieur.

Okay. Just said Mr. Adam. Do you mind if I just talk to you for a second? There's very few times I meet someone on the same side as me. Yes, but sir, I only have a moment. You know, buy stuff with calls. I use message to Chalice and I say, Chalice, you still have to be nice because you're still a rat.

You still want a reputation to be good. Oui, oui, monsieur. Mi amour. to be good. Oui, oui, monsieur. Oh, mi amor. It's just, it's hard being a spy,

you know? Oh, yes, it is so difficult lying to your loved ones all day and all night. Yeah. Well, if you ever need company, maybe we could meet

at the third lamppost closest to the water on the pier. Get out of there, friend. Han, get out of there. No. Yes, monsieur. We love. Blow him off.

Blow him off. I'm sure you're not interested in rats with red eyes like me, but if you ever are, I will meet you. You know, let's make a plan right now. We'll meet tomorrow night at midnight. She's really good at acting. I know. I think that's Chalice talking. I had other prior commitments, but I will break them to be there.

Even if it costs me my life. I will see you there, my darling. Oh, no, don't let it cost you your life. And if I die between now and then, know that it was not personal, and I am not standing you up, monsieur. Know that you are the most handsome spy I've ever seen

and my only real connection. I'm just going to close my ears. So long. I'm just going to close my ears. Monsieur, do not take it personal. Please remember me, all right? With fondness, monsieur. With fondness, monsieur.

If you are in any danger, take this. It is a magical flare. Shoot it in the air if you are in any danger, take this. It is a magical flare. Shoot it in the air if you're ever in danger. I will be there. Oui, monsieur. Oui, oui. And au revoir for now. Au revoir.

Chip takes his hands and shoves them into the giant ears. You got so lucky that you chose a French accent. He loves French. That's exactly what he was. Lucky. Lucky, lucky. Guys, I think you're doing a great job on behalf of all rat kind. I'm just worried that our reach was a little limited.

Like, we talked to, like, two guys. But that one guy's going to run throughout the town. Yeah. Grassroots. He looked like he got tired immediately, though. I told him to run to TV, man. That's him right there. He's sitting on the bench. He's sweating. He looks

really tired. Maybe like four steps. Beef opens up the door. Run! What are you doing? Oh, my friends. You're not cursed anymore, dude. Keep going. Keep going. Okay, yeah, you're right. He takes two steps and then just both hands

on his knees. It's called grassroots, all right? That's what this is about. I think you guys need to make a bigger scene. Like get in front of some people and do something. We have two plans going right now. So, you know. Yeah, now we got time.

We're killing time. Do something, I don't know, heroic. Save a kid. Let's go to the town square and I guess. Yeah, I guess save a kid. Yeah, save a kid. What's going on the town square and I guess save a kid. What's going on over there? We'll be good Samaritans. We'll figure something out. Jennifer, you wait here and wait for the suit. Meet us back at Bottoms Up.

And pay for this. Bye. I don't have money! Bye. Okay, so you guys head to the town square. And it is alive with action. There is a stage where there are some performers on it,

and it looks like it is some sort of satirical performance of the king, and the king talking with a comical version of someone playing chalice. And it seems to be a reenactment of... Who says it's comical? It's intended to be comical. Comedy is sort of a subject.

We'll see. And what they seem to be reenacting is the end of what was last season, which is the king agreeing that Chalice is no longer part of the royal family and that you guys are on good terms. But you can see that it's being played for the audience of the truth of the matter.

Like the king has an axe behind his back and it's all played for like a joke saying that the king's actually evil, Chalice is good, and had him on the ropes by this being public. And this comical farce is happening on the stage and there's a lot of people there, a lot of action. It's up to you what you'd like to do. I would like to see a little bit of this performance. What?

Here's what I'll say. The actor that plays the king is really good. The actor that's chalice is just okay. They scooch their way in. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Pardon? Oh, rats.

Ew. Hey, we understand that you've had bad experiences with us in the past, and we respect your opinion. We're sorry for whatever we did. Also, keep your eyes open in case we save a kid or something. Was that a threat? No. Are you a kid?

No. Then shut up. Then what's the f***ing thing? My performance is happening. I want to see. My dearest daughter, I'm so sad to see that you're leaving the family. I would like to kill you right now, but I'm on camera.

I cannot do it. Oh, man, it doesn't rhyme. In Game of Thrones, it rhymes. Yeah, make it rhyme. Oh, I fucked up that line. Oh, I forgot to rhyme. But don't worry. It'll happen on the next line. There we I forgot to rhyme, but don't worry, it'll happen on the next

line. There we go. Back on track. Been in the biz long enough. My dearest daughter. Water. Slaughter. You don't rhyme immediately.

Give me a second. Slaughter from Jimmy Neutron, The Dog. My dearest daughter, Chalice the Brave. That's what I call you since you came from my cave. Is cave like vagina or butthole? He's so good. It sounds like he's making it up on thethole? He's so good. It sounds like he's making it up on the spot. And he's so good. Oh, God.

Is this an improv show? Oh, geez. Dad, father, a.k.a. the king. Pretty good. No, what? Babe. You can barely rhyme, let alone sing. That was way better.

Didn't quite capture my lisp, but she is very hot, so I appreciate that. Very hot. God damn. Chip. Now that your image is projected across the land, take this contract, rip it up, and sign this new one by hand. Way better. Oh, Chalice, you've got me bent over a barrel. Can Chip identify a child in the crowd?

Yeah, I guess we've seen enough. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, keep going. Oh, I almost had you and your life was in peril. Will Ferrell. You didn't even use a Will Ferrell. Wow, a 19. Okay, with a 19, you see some kids who are playing with a stick and like a melon,

kind of on the outskirts of the crowd near an alley. Okay. Is there anything else you're looking for? Anyone in danger? Well, we could make the kid in danger no that could go wrong what we got it okay okay you guys you gotta follow me all right till the end of the earth right till the end of the earth okay guys guys before we split, if this goes wrong or starts to go wrong, everybody take off your rat costumes. So the bug group will get blamed.

Okay? If this goes right, keep your rat costumes on. Okay? If something goes wrong and it's us, everyone's going to be like, yeah, it's another day. Classic win-win. If it goes wrong and it's the rats, all of the work we did today will be for nothing. And all the money we spent will be for nothing. Okay?

Yeah. Take it off if it goes wrong. Perfect. Hands in. And break. Break. Did you say bye? Yeah.

Bye. Bye. And bye. Bye. Bye. Chip sneaks off somewhere where he can kind of like hide. Okay. And takes off his rat costume.

Okay. Give me a stealth check. Okay. I rolled a 15 for stealth. Okay. Yeah. No one's really paying attention. You go around the corner, you change out of the costume. Yeah, this play's amazing. Chip takes off his gear and then maybe... Let's see if I cast... Sorry, I'm just saying if I cast this guy's self If I attack somebody I think it goes away, right? Yes Could you be the kid?

And we could save you? That's pretty good What'd you guys say? Alright, come back together That's our fault And now it's just Chip outside of the rat costume And you guys all in rat costume Beef had a great idea

I was just saying that maybe you could be one of the kids and then we save you. Oh, cool. Oh, that's way better. I'm going to be a huge kid, though. Beef, do you want to be your more kid side? Yeah, we could shave you. Plus, also, we haven't really mentioned this, but your rat suit fits horribly. Oh, yeah. I forgot. It's been trailing behind me. I had to wrap it around my waist at least three times.

Yeah, it's filthy. Yeah, okay. Switch? Yeah, sure. I'll be that one. I haven't been that one yet. What's your guy's name? Rat Roar. Rat Roar. Okay. What kind of voice did Rat Roar have? It was kind of like something like this.

Kind of tucked like this. Yeah, I was talking like this the whole time, this episode. I kind of forgot about that, but yeah, I guess you kind of were tucked like this the whole time. Beef gives him his rat guy. Yeah, we go sneak off, and I take that costume, and Beef, you cast this guy's self. Touches himself, and then I am child. What kind of kid are you looking like, Beef? I'm looking like the cutest little kid you ever did see. I got one tooth and it's sticking out in the front.

Cute. Not much different. Yeah. And I have the rosiest cheeks. Not much different. And my little belly is sticking out because I'm so full from all the summer treats. This kind of sounds like beef. And I have a full head of hair.

Oh, okay. Okay, not beef. Not beef. Clearly not beef. So if like beef looked like a normal kid. Now what? Go jump off a building or something Or like fall off a building

Or just get in a tree Yeah, climb up that tree or that lamppost and fall Oh, I didn't realize I was going to get hurt No, you won't, we're going to save you Oh, okay, you better I have magic Okay, okay And Seb has a bunch of socks on him, too

In case we need those Yeah, keep those, We might need those. Can you guys keep it down? This show's amazing. And for the last 10 minutes, they've been rhyming nonstop perfectly. Let's hear that. Can we do a flashback to the last 10 minutes? Oh.

A beef climbed a tree. Do I have to roll for that? Yes. Give me an athletics check. Oh, 19. 19. Wow. So Beef shimmies up a tree, and we're talking like 45 feet in the air.

It's a very tall tree. You're kind of overlooking the entire town square. Yeah. I get the attention of the audience below and the performers below. Okay. Uh-oh. Somehow I got up onto the twee. Oh my god,

there's a kid up there. I got double-dog dared to get in the twee. Who double-dog dared that kid? Not a rat. It wasn't me. Not us rats, but you know what we're not afraid of? A challenge. Right, rats. But you know what we're not afraid of? A challenge. Right, rats? That's right.

Oh, no. I think the plants can't hold my weight no longer. I'm going to fall to my death. Beef, we're not over there yet. Beef. Oh, God, Beef. Slow down, slow down. It's a big crowd. Slow down, slow down, slow down.

It's way more crowded. You guys, it's really breaking. Oh, it's really breaking? It's really breaking, God. Slow down, slow down. It's a big crowd. Slow down, slow down, slow down. It's way more crowded. You guys, it's really breaking. Oh, it's really breaking? It's really breaking, guys. Oh, no. The tree is giving away. The branch is really cracking. There's no other branches around.

Oh, no. Give me a luck check, Beef, just to see how this branch holds up here. 12. Okay. With a 12, the branch completely gives way. It's like the floor dropped out from underneath you. Give me a dexterity check to see if you can grab this branch that's still barely hanging

on but is no longer rigid. Arnie's gonna love this. He's gonna freak when I tell him. Okay. I got a seven plus two. A nine. You grab that branch, and it's still, like, holding onto the tree, but the leaves are slick and your hands are sweating. And before long, it is no longer in your grasp. Dang, Beef's doing a good job of looking like he's in peril.

You guys! You guys! He's an incredible actor. Help, guys! And it slips incredible actor. Help, guys! And it slips out of your grip and you are falling 45 feet. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. And we've got Arnie here.

He'll do the math for how much damage this will be. Oh, my God. Okay, hold on. Guys, help! I throw Seb. I throw Seb. I throw Seb to catch beef out of you.

I let it happen. I let it happen. Great idea, babe. Thank you for your support. Okay, give me a strength check. A 13. Okay, with a 13, you heave Rat Seb into the air

and you throw him far for like an average human, which would be maybe a couple of feet. So he now, Seb, basically crowd surfs in a way that there was no consent, so he just plopped onto a bunch of people who were trying to watch a show. What the f***? Where did he

come from? That way, please! So Beef is falling through the air. Everyone has... I guess the only person who does have an action left while this falling is occurring would be Chalice. So. Wait, who has feather fall? I do.

Shit. But if Beef casts it, then his disguise stealth will go away. Oh, God. Like how much damage would it be? I might get obliterated. You'd probably explode. I always die when we do battles. I could use gust.

I could use web. But web is sort of used to like... But I could anchor web between two trees or two buildings. Ooh. And that could catch him. But... Are there maybe like bundles of hay that you could gust him into? Oh, yeah.

Can I gust him into some bundles of hay or something soft? Give me a perception check. We should have been way closer. 16. Okay. Chalice, you see over the heads of people in the crowd that there is a wagon with a back full of hay, maybe some sacks of flour, things like that.

That looks like a cushier fall than the stone courtyard of the town square. And then you also see that there is something that you could shoot a web at too. A side of the stage, like a stage aspect that you could connect a web to, to that tree. You notice both those things. Gust, it's, you create a small blast of air capable of moving one object or small creature. Beef's a small creature. I'm small. He counts?

Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah. I'm going to try to blow Beef into the wagon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so you use Gust. Beef is falling through the air. Beef, you're falling for quite some time. You see that the other rats are nowhere near you. Where are you? But you feel a gust of wind make contact with you

and start pushing you in a different direction. The angle is a little bit up and a little bit over. Whoa. So it's reducing your falling rate, you know. Feels good. And blowing you off to a wagon. Yeah. Chalice, why don't you give me a dexterity check

to see if you angled this gust correctly? Because you did it. You hit beef, but we want to see your aim. If you can shoot him like a basketball almost into this wagon. If I kill Beef, the internet's never going to forgive me. Natural 20. Whoa! Not good enough.

He splats on the ground and he dies. I took a photo of my natural 20 because I'm so relieved. Beef, you feel just what must feel like the arms of angels grab you with wind and guide you perfectly

until you plop right on your bottom into a big pile of hay in the back of a wagon. Oh my God, that rat just saved that kid. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don't think it was a rat.

I think it was an act of God. No, it was me. I am the rat, and I did it, and I saved the child. This rat is a God. It's a rat God. Rat God. Now, hold on. I don't know.

Maybe. Rat God. Rat God. Rat god. Rat god. Now hold on. I don't know. Maybe. Rat god. Rat god. Rat god. Rat god. Rat god. Rat god. So we cut to bottoms up as the gang is taking off their rat heads.

And Jennifer is waiting there patiently for you. And Cigarette wakes up. Oh, you're back. What? You just woke up? We left so long ago. And we saw you follow us and we put the trunk on the door. Yeah, we did.

Yeah. Did you come back here and sleep? Yeah, I came back here and slept because, you know. What a good excuse. I was out trying to do my work and someone cast sleep on me. So I had to pass out for, how long has it been? Six hours. Wow, I haven't slept like that in quite some time.

Thank you for the excuse for a great nap. Oh, all right. I guess I'm ready to do the portrait. Is your wrath ready? Jennifer, or wait, can Beef and Chalice do the Princess Diaries thing where they have two old paintings of Jennifer over her face. Uh-huh. We had the ugliest rat in the whole world.

Horrifying. And now we give you a beautiful chef. And they pull the portrait and it's Jennifer. I can't sing. Oh, that was so close. Jesus, my life just flashed before my eyes. What do you think? Blink, blink, blink, that was so close. Jesus, my life just flashed before my eyes. What do you think? Blink, blink, blink, blink.

Hmm. Yeah, I'm so glad we did the other plan. Yeah, you are wearing a suit, a weird gray hat that's way too tight on your head, and you have knives for fingers. Yeah, it's awesome, isn't it? Well, get to work, monsieur. All right, let's see. I'll just do a quick one here. All right. Stay work, monsieur. All right, let's see.

I'll just do a quick one here. All right. Stay still, please. And before too long, he has the portrait done. Wow, we were drinking that whole time. We were taking shots. Well, he kept asking us questions. Yeah, yeah.

And so he puts the portrait on the door, bottoms up, nails it in. It looks almost exactly to a T what Jennifer looks like in the current state. And you notice that a big group of people, maybe they're tourists. How big? They're like probably 15 feet. This big. Yeah. Push up.

One. Push up. One. Dang, I walked right into that one. Group of 15 come to the door, and they look excited when they see the portrait. This is the place I was talking about. A rat is the chef.

And you kind of hear that commotion happening as the door opens. We did it. Guys, I'll get back in the kitchen. You guys take the orders. Okay, okay, okay. Hi, welcome to Bottoms Up where our chef is a rat. That is

incredible. Rats have been historically mistreated for way too long around here, and actually they're our god, I'm pretty sure. Eh, we'll take it. Come on in. 15 orange pots coming up. Yeah, we'll do the pots orange.

That seems to be the only option. Let's give it a whirl. I'm sure it's great. You're going to love it. You guys don't actually serve piss here, do you? Oh, that was a question we have to drink. A shot of piss. All right.

She'll be here. She'll be here. She didn't shoot her flare, so she's alive. There is peace in that. Can Beef show up in his assassin spy outfit he got from Party Palace? I was going to say Chip shows up in the white

white rat red-eyed costume. We both show up simultaneously. She's here! Get him, Chip! Sorry! I am taken by a sexy guy. Why do you sound so different? Are you sick?

Are you okay? Yes, I am sick. All right. Brief, get him. Get him. You are going to get him. You get him now. You go get him.

Oh, who are you? It's me. Your worst nightmare. Oh, my God. I've been made. I've been made. And then he shoots off a little flare into the air. My love, help me.

And he takes off running. Run. Run far. Never come back here. And he takes three steps, and his hands go onto his knees. God. Not a good spot. Yeah.

Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Waleed Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrot wrote the theme song and I worked out the story concept and Grace Harper did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure from episodes like Chip's Tips,

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This week's episode is Vibe in Hour Part 3 and elizabeth friggin vibe man who knows what they're gonna be talking about but you can bet it's gonna be the perfect background hang to whatever you've got going on in your day you can check it out at patreon.com slash sitcom dnd and get in on the fun and finally if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcom D and D that sitcom and the letters D and D. Okay. I think that's it for now until next Tuesday. And thanks as always for listening. That was a hate gun podcast.