SitcomD&D - S5 E7: Comment BBBox

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

It turns out the BUGs have accumulated quite the stack of complaints with the I Can't Believe it's not a Better Business Bureau, and they'll have to listen to every single one if they want to stay in business. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Waleed Mansour & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Ben, are those new glasses? Oh, these old things. But are they new things? Yeah, they're actually quite new. I got them in the mail yesterday. Wow. They look so good.

Yeah. I think I noticed, but not in a way that made me feel like I, it wasn't a catalyst for action for me. I'm going to say that the next time my wife is crying. That's awful. I noticed, but not in a way where it felt like it was a catalyst for action. Oh. Oh! Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real-play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake studio audience. Today, you guessed it, we're picking up inside Bottoms Up.

And inside Bottoms Up, we've got our gang tucked in their beds, sound asleep. Oh, but not for long, because there is some hammering going on downstairs. What the heck is hammering? I guess you'll have to stay tuned to find out. But for now, quiet on set

because the sound is speeding. You got real serious. This is the problem when you try something new. I know. I literally changed one word and forgot the rest of it. Quiet on set. Okay. Sounds speeding.

Uh-huh. And we're rolling. Dice! When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup. Find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip and Beef at the Noble

Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains Are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous On another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends

Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip Ahoy Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience.

Seb! What? Hey, what? What? What? What? Are you doing construction? I'm looking at my hands. I'm looking at my feet. No. I am drinking water, but there is a hair in it, which I do

not love. What is all this noise even? What is all this noise? And Beef's in between Chalice and Chip. Nobody's doing construction, right? No, it's not me. Jennifer? And Jennifer is in between beef and chalice. I'm not doing construction.

I don't know how. Seb, are you just drinking water and watching the four of us sleep in my twin bed? Well, you stole my blanket, all right? I've been cold. There's four of us in here. And you have each other's warmth. I'm over here in a freaking corner

You're right Seb get over here Start tickling Seb I do like a little jackknife And I jump into bed Alright nose goes To go figure out what the noise is I'll go check it out Be careful

Yeah I will and I pick them all up And I bring them with me I see what he's doing Be careful. Yeah, I will. And I pick them all up and I bring them with me. Oh, I see what he's doing. Whee! And Chip, as you and the gang head down Bottoms Up stairs, you see that the hammering is actually coming from outside of Bottoms Up, but not too far outside because someone is hammering something to the front door. Is it a festive wreath?

We check to see if it's a festive wreath, Sean. Give me a strength check. Oh. Strength. You want to open that door? Someone's nailing something to it. An 18. With an 18, you are able to put a little muscle into it

and bust that door open. You hear the clink of nails hitting the ground and a groan from the person who was nailing it. Oh, well, there goes six minutes of work. I'll never get back. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What the heck? The sun isn't even up. What are you doing, man?

I'm doing my job. If you got a complaint, take it up with them. I'm done. I did my part. And he hands you a card. And on the card, it says the following. I can't believe it's not Better Business Bureau. And there's an address.

What was he hammering to the door? When you inspect it, you see that he was hammering a sign to the door that just says, closed until further notice. This took him six minutes and he didn't even finish? Yeah, this took you six minutes, man. You got weak arms, buddy. I had to take breaks. My doctor said I shouldn't even be doing physical labor.

We're getting too into the backstories of people we're meeting this season. I swear to God, I'm learning way too much about people. You haven't learned anything about me. You don't even know my name. Don't tell us. Don't tell us, because then you will come back. And you all run out as he's screaming it, but it's inaudible as you get out of your shot. Ooh, that was close.

So we're closed? Wait, well, how can he close us? I can't believe it's not Besser Business Bureau. Should we call them? Well, it's an address. We'll call them at the location. Yeah, let's go talk to them. All right, we cut to the I Can't Believe It's Not Better Business Bureau.

And the five of you are... Can we all be in bathrobes? Yeah, we're still... You didn't let me finish. You're in bathrobes. Thank you. And you are sitting in a cozy, would be the nice way to put it little office across the desk of a small middle-aged woman with curly shoulder-length hair wearing thick square glasses and a stuffy brown

business robe who's looking over a pile of paperwork that has mounted on her desk as you patiently wait in silence for her to address you there's a framed portrait on her desk as you patiently wait in silence for her to address you there's a framed portrait on her desk of what looks to be five out of control children sword fighting with turkey legs and her exhausted in the background making a smile there's a nameplate on her desk that reads, Christy Corpus. You guys are my two o'clock bottoms up. We're still in our bathrobes and we're her two o'clock. Good Lord.

Oh, we wear pajamas all day. Man, the day kind of got away from us, huh? Oh, man. I really thought this would be a 10-minute walk. We were out there for hours We got breakfast I like to think that y'all just were sleeping Really No no we got breakfast it was good

That's why beef syrup is covered in syrup Yeah We went to Egbert's Where you can get Where all the meals come with two sides But they let you do two of the sides Both being a cinnamon roll so you get two cinnamon rolls. Yeah.

And they're huge, Christy. They're huge. They're giant, Christy. They're huge, and they're showing her how big they are with their hands. Actually, it's easier if I show you. I have my second one in my pocket. Whoa, Seb. You ate?

You only ate one? We all promised we would eat two. Do you know why you're here today? We don't. Well, because you closed us down, right? That's it, that's it. Oh, this is so good. Yes.

Do you know what it is that we do here at the I Can't Believe It's Not Better Business Bureau? No idea. I can't believe it. Give us a tour. Well, this is my office, and we set the standards for ethical business behavior and monitor compliance. Over 400,000 accredited businesses meet and commit to our high standards. businesses meet and commit to our high standards. We help consumers identify trustworthy businesses and those that aren't.

I guess I'm not seeing what this has to do with us at all. Your bar has been shut down because you've exceeded the number of complaints an establishment can receive and still operate in good faith. No, that can't be true. What, like three? Yeah, what is it, like a three strike? Sort of like a basketball sort of metaphor? Enough to fill an entire hour if we talked them through and saw what they were.

Weird way to put it. Okay, sort of feels like we're being framed. I don't know if I believe any of these are true. And that is why I'm legally obligated to read to you each complaint that has been filed. So, without further ado, we'll begin. This is great, because I'm sure we'll be able to rebut them and kind of explain why they aren't actually even complaints, even. You can, I will not listen. Still probably will happen.

Yes, and really quick, I just have to let out one moan because this cinnamon roll is so good. Yeah. And that's it. Wow. Please nobody else moan in my office. I kind of have to moan every time Seb moans. Yeah, Christy, he's gotta do it.

And you all were under the impression that no one would file a complaint being around you. Yeah, I mean, look how stinking charming we are. We're covered in syrup and we're full of cinnamon rolls. Yeah, my robe is stuck to your desk here. Let me just rip it off here. Oh, the picture of your kids. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Don't want to ruin this beautiful piece of art.

Thank you. Sets it back down. So we'll start the recording. And you see a pen start scribbling on paper and taking down the words that are being said. Yeah, so where shall we begin? And she opens up a file cabinet, goes through it, brings out a piece of parchment. The staff held a roast night at the bar.

Thought it would be fun, but I ended up consoling the bartender for the rest of the night. Welcome back to Thursday Roast. I'm your host, Chalice Glass, former princess. Current woman of the people. Get him! Get him!

We want blood! I don't know if I want to do this, you guys. Get him! We picked your name out of the hat, Sep, so here we are. Let's see. As your host, I will go first. And then, wow, a line is forming. Incredible.

I need to go. I have to go. I must go. Tear him apart. I think these are usually a little bit more jovial and served via love. You know what I mean? The roasty can only talk in reaction to a roast. Yeah. How do you know it's one of Seb's storylines? How? Because it's super sad.

It ends in a really melancholy way. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm laughing because it's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else you got? We all know. You know what, Chip? You're really like chomping at's true. Got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What else you got? We all know. You know what, Chip?

You're really like chomping at the bit to come. Please, please. Please, I got so much good stuff. All right, go ahead, Chip. Okay. Get him. Kill him. Kill him.

Destroy him. Seb? Yeah? I should have wrote this down um what are those new glasses oh no Chip can't ad lib no these are famously same ones

I've had since high school it's kind of weird I've just not gotten a new prescription um wait why are you taking off your pants right now what's that are you hot are you hot do you feel hot no okay hey great step impression Chip pants right now. What's that? Are you hot? Are you hot? Do you feel hot? Look how small my penis is. No, okay. Hey, great Seb impression, Chip. Yes. Sorry, that was Seb.

Got him. Good job. Got him. Speaking of Seb, so nice to see so many people here dressed up as Seb. Oh, wait. That's just a chair, a Subaru,

however dumb he's got packed in his knapsack. Yeah. Get him. Almost as good as mine. Almost as good as mine. All right, beefy baby, you're up. You know what would be really funny? What?

What? No, what? What? What? Complete the thought. No, sorry? What? No, what? Complete the thought. No, sorry. I thought that was a call and response. What?

What was? I don't see how that was for us. I don't see how that was for anybody else. Is it because Chip showed his penis? Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

But I was being Seb. Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah. I'm just going to keep powering through. Staff kept on disguising self when I insisted I wanted a different server. Um, sorry. Can you just give me your order one more time? I keep forgetting to write it down.

One beer? Yes, one beer it's one beer okay uh kind of boring all right i'll try to remember i'm sorry okay so i actually majored in whittling uh at wood university get out of town no way yeah here's two cups of piss. I'm sorry. Can I do you go on break soon? Can I have a different server, please? Wait, do I have disguise self? No, I don't.

No, I don't. Perfect. Perfect. Perfect. I imagine you just put it on a wig or something. Yeah. Yeah. About to go on break My twin brother Ronnie is about to take over my shift Oh okay

I hope he's very different than you are Quick Seb draw a mustache on my face Okay okay Can you sit down in this chair I'm going to be putting on some prosthetics You're going to look disgusting I didn't say that, but okay. I think just as quick as possible.

Okay, so I have the Sharpie out. I'm making it curly Q, and I'm doing a little triangle on your chin. Okay, great. Hey, I'm Ronnie. I'm your new waiter. Yeah, well, can I please have one beer, I guess? Yeah, yeah, coming right up. All right, thank you.

And my main goal in life is to make the smallest furniture that I can. Two cups of piss for the two people on a first or second date. We're married, actually. Oh, what? No. No, no, no, you're not. What do you mean no? This is my wife. Yeah, 25 years.

We've been together 25 years. No. Yes. No. I'm sorry. Do you have a break soon? I would really care for a different server. Okay.

And preferably not your twin sister. Okay, sure. Chip. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you have to pretend to be my twin brother, Okay, sure. Chip. Yeah, yeah. Okay, you have to pretend to be my twin brother, Ronnie. Let me draw a mustache on you. Go over, talk to that couple, get their order, and then you tell me how long you think they've been together.

Okay, sounds good. Wow, you said yes to that so fast. Hey, I'm Ronnie. How you guys doing? Should we leave? No, I think this one seems promising. But this person's using the same name as our last server. They look totally different.

I also asked for a different server. What's up, you f***s? I'm Ronnie. You guys want something to drink? I don't want Ronnie. I'd like a different server, please. Did somebody say Ronnie? I mean, I look like Predator with prosthetics on and just practical effects.

Okay, I guess from any of the Ronnies, one beer would be great. Just one beer, no piss, please. Well, first dates drink free, so you're in luck. We've been together actually 25 years, okay? What kind of idiots turn down free drinks? I can't work with these people. Can I hunt you? That couple complained?

That's the hardest we've ever worked. Yeah, we hunted them, gutted them, and put their heads on the side of our wall. Or not. Yeah, good save. Yeah. Or just kidding. I'm not even gonna

explore that any further. Looks like the staff all decided to have a slumber party in my room and i'm not saying that right now i'm not saying that you're sleepy right now i'm saying this is a con this is something that i'm reading um that got turned in and filed staff all decided to have a slumber party in my room popcorn in a helmet coming in fast coming in hot hot hot popping in popping into your room lovely okay and that's for us then yes but it comes with strings attached come on crew it's time to party

let's wreck them hot dogs in a pirate hat hot dogs in a pirate hat hot dogs in a pirate hat. Hot dogs and a pirate hat. Hot dogs and a pirate hat. So if it comes with these strings, then we will politely decline. Scooch over, man. Scooch over. Yeah, man. Scoochie scooch. Ice cream and a big top hat. Ice cream and a big top hat.

Ice cream and a big top hat. It's a slumber party. No, okay, sorry. We're here for my wife's uncle's funeral. Broccoli with a boulder cap funeral Broccoli with a boulder cap Broccoli with a boulder cap Broccoli with a boulder cap You have a boulder cap?

Beef, where'd you get a boulder cap? Did you make it out of a rock? Yeah, well, you know I thought those were Are you talking about a bowler? Beef, what are you trying to say, baby? What are you trying to say? Beef, look at the...

It's a boulder cap. It's made out of a boulder. It's heavy, but the broccoli is wearing it. Everyone else has their food in the hat. And you brought a little broccoli wearing a cap that is a boulder. Yeah. Honestly, you guys seem like a great time, but we have to get up really early

for the services. Let's level with you. All of our rooms have leaks in it, because it's raining outside. And it's Friday, and sleep overnight, we always bring snacks and a hat. Snacks and a hat. Sleep overnight. Beep sort of misunderstands the assignment in different creative ways every Friday. I genuinely thought I had this one right this time, you guys.

You got pretty close. But all the other rooms are leaking, so we have to have the slumber party in this room. You guys seem fun, so we're just going to do it. You frightened my wife. She hasn't come out of the washroom yet. And she had a complicated relationship with her uncle. So there's just like a lot of feelings in the air. Oh, it's her uncle, not your uncle.

Correct, yes. Okay, so you could still have fun. Yeah, you'd probably want us to stay. Oh, and I would, of course. But just this is our room, you know, that we're looking to... String cheese and a little cocaine. String cheese and a little cocaine. I swear, guys, one day I will get that game right, though.

I'm so sorry about that. Beef, it's part of your charm. Just explain it to us as if we were in it. Yeah, what do you, if you were explaining it to a newcomer, what would you explain it to them? Pick a food and make sure it has a hat on it. And I think that's where I go wrong. And that's where you go wrong so you actually just the food great yeah you put the food into the hat chrissy are you getting this unfortunately yes what would you bring to a sleepover oh my god and you see her eyes just drift off and get a little bit dreamy. And just at the mere idea of Chrissy relaxing,

something just comes over her. And she's just like, I would palm frond hat and a coconut drink. Palm frond hat and a coconut drink. You should leave your family, my dear. Yeah. They are stressing you out. We'll just take a weekend. Yeah, when's the last time you and the girls just went in and had a slumber together, you know?

Yeah. Oh, my God. Or drank a margarita on a patio? Yeah. I don't know if I've ever done that. Absolve us, and you can come to our bar. Let's just keep plowing through, shall we? I don't know if that's like a perfect deal for her.

Yeah, that's right. We'll be planting the seeds and maybe in 40 minutes she'll bite. Give her time, give her time. The waitress took my baby's nose and won't give it back. Hey, ma'am, sorry to bother you bother you yeah yeah um your baby's crying a lot and it sort of like has an attitude every time i come over here listen lady i've got so much going on in my day i don't have time to quiet my baby i don't like your attitude. Oh, hey, hon. Cutting.

Sorry, just had to cut in here. Get away. Run away. Take your baby and run. Take your baby and run. Otherwise, Chalice is going to take the baby's nose. You need to go now. No, no, no, no.

You need to go now. Excuse me? No one's ever talked to me like this before, ever. Your baby's nose is funeral. Okay, I'm just telling you. Are you threatening my baby's nose? funeral. Okay, I'm just telling you. Are you threatening my baby's nose? No, no, I'm just... What kind of establishment is this? I just know a little

magic trick. A little magic? Yeah. Well, got your nose. Excuse me? Give that back. Got your baby's nose. No, give that back. I guess I'm on break now. No, give that back. I guess I'm on break now. No, give that back.

Chip tried to warn you. I tried to warn you. You got the warning. Hey, so how's everybody's meal going over here? This lady took my baby's nose and won't add my nose and won't give it back. They didn't have noses when they came in here. It's genetic. I don't see a nose.

Excuse me, I do have a nose. I have a nose and my baby has a nose here's a mirror oh my god i don't have my nose and no nose goes like leave that means you have to leave yes sorry oh my god oh my god that was an ending. Get out. She takes her baby and leaves. Chalice goes to her trophy room filled with noses. And places them and is dusting. Are we starting to get the picture here? I literally don't see anything wrong with that story.

Okay. Well, how about this one? Gets another file out. This one just says, walked in and was immediately attacked because I quote, looked like a tumbleweed. I was having a bad hair day. Beef, great show earlier.

I feel like you were really on a roll. Here's your sweat towel. Thank you. Thank you. I feel like the crowd was a little shy, but, you know, it's just a little, you know, massaging, and then you get right where the... Wait. Jellis. What's up?

Don't move a muscle. No. Seb, ring the bell. Uh, the bell's under construction. All I have is the big horn. Seb! What? What is it! What is it? What is it?

What's happening? Tumbleweeds. They've returned. Get to your post. Get upstairs! Get upstairs! Get upstairs! Go, go, go!

Is there something behind me? Is there something behind me? What's happening? Kill it! Kill it! Oh, my God! You know what? I'm willing to sacrifice a couple people who look like tumbleweeds

to keep us safe from the tumbleweeds. There's only one way to get out of this situation, and that's by killing anything that at all resembles a tumbleweed. Chalice lifts up her skirt leg to reveal all the scars she has from tumbleweeds.

They're no joke. Yeah. Christy, maybe you think it's kind of funny. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. Being attacked by a tumbleweed. They're no joke. Yeah, like, Christy, like, maybe you think it's kind of funny. It's not funny. It's not funny at all. Being attacked by a tumbleweed is not funny at all. Yeah. The scars stay with you forever.

I wasn't laughing at you. Trust me. I don't laugh. Here we go. Here's another one. The dance battle got a little too aggressive. Yeah. Yeah settle down. We're about to get stormed.

Yeah, that was just a warm-up. On the left team, what we got is four outsiders who are crazy and are ready to pop, lock, and shove it up the asses of their opponents. Right team. Right team for life. Now, on the right team, we got the home team, a.k.a. the Bugs Bottoms Up Gang. Bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs. Bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs, bugs. Now, all you here know how these battles typically go. One team starts, does their thing, and the other team picks up where they left off

and dances as well. At the end of it, it's up to the crowd to decide who brought it harder. Chipcast Ice Knife at one. Yeah, I was going to say, can I do Firebolt at them? Holy hell. Ice Knife shoots at the team and Fireball hits him as well there is immediately a casualty someone is down unconscious potentially dead

and the others are smoldering on fire great minds will eat fire there's no music playing. It is stunned silence and then chaos on the other side. Your turn. Show us what you got. You killed Antony.

Well, certainly Antony didn't complain. Yeah. Nice. That's right, yeah.ony didn't complain. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I can't believe we still lost. I know. That was brutal. Big time, too.

Big time. This was our year. Humiliating. We bribed the judge, too. I know. Next year. Apparently the SS sexual doesn't really hold any weight anymore. Tickets to it that we gave them.

Tickets to it. We bribe people, Christy. Okay. I mean, we got a couple SS sexual tickets. If Christy wants, maybe. And Bea puts them on the table and kind of slides them. I don't even know what that is. It's an all-inclusive cruise.

It's also sex. I can't think about those words in that order. Because I'm at work right now, and if I think about that too long, I will simply walk out the door and never come back to this life. I think you maybe didn't hear the fact that Sep just said no underwear allowed. No underwear allowed.

I'm thinking about it, and I'm reading the next one. The paint and sip had a wonderful atmosphere, but the models were a bit too critical of our work. I'm just going to get down from my perch to check and see. I don't look like that. What are you, fucking drunk? Why are you drawing me like that?

Yeah, I'm drunk. Hey, Chalice, check out my guy. He made me have, look at how big he made my feet. It looks just like beef. Your feet look like that. Shut up. Look at mine. I don't look like this at all.

This guy is hammered, obviously. I know. That's the point. I thought it was just a paint and sip and drink and stuff. Start over. That looks pretty good. Nope, start over. Yeah, you start over too.

And we'll stand up here on our pedestal. This one doesn't look anything like me. It looks like freaking Chip. I think he's drawing Chip. Guys, you're not supposed to move. You're not supposed to move. Chip, your penis is out again. You're not supposed to move. Chip, your penis is out again.

Yeah, how's it look in the picture? They were forgiving. This is actually kind of weird. Nobody drew me. Well, to be fair, Seb, your skin is as pale and as translucent as a ghost. Yeah, in some lighting

you don't show up. Just sort of your clothes, your floating clothes. Seb, you're here? Hi, Seb! You can move now, we're done. No, no, this guy's got to get my penis just right. Bunch of prudes. That's all I'm going to say.

Oh, wait, Seb, you're here? Hi! I'm wearing clothes! Oh, hey! Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you. What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time.

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designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. So you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. D-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. Okay, here we go. Please work with me here, people. I have to get through a lot. I came for fortune-telling Tuesdays,

and nothing they told me has come true. Behold the great and powerful beef. For just ten gold coin, he can read your fortune. Hi there. Yes, I would like my future to hold. Ten gold coin, please put it in

this top hat that has a bunch of melted ice cream in it. Sweetie, I really need this. Honey, but ignorance is bliss. There's only one way we get out of this situation, okay? It's my debt, and I'm sorry about that, okay? And you know what? We're going to find her.

We're going to find her. Please, please. Sit down. Yes. Hi. Hi there. I'm Alan. This is Roberta.

And what brings you in today? We're looking for our darter. For your darter? You looking for your darter? We're looking for our darter. Where'd your darter go? Hot. Well, we don't know.

That's why we're here. It's a good question, mystical beefman. Now, I don't want to be, I hate when people ask me this question, but when was the last time you saw your darter? Well, we were at the Artichoke Festival, but when was the last time you saw your darter? Well, we were at the Artichoke Festival and that was 11 years ago. And then we saw her every day after that

until two weeks ago. So you have seen a... She's been missing for two weeks. I think the math adds up there every day for the next 10 years. I guess I don't understand. We saw her at the Artichoke Festival 11 years ago, and then we saw her up until two weeks ago.

Every day since. Every day since until two weeks ago. That's right. Yes. So what was the... I'm sorry. I'm not Archimedes. No, I hate when people ask me this question, but two weeks ago, where was your darter standing?

She had finished her big solo. Okay. Big solo where? At the recital, at the school recital. School recital. Shouldn't you know all this? You're the great mystical, powerful Mr. B. Are you a detective?

Because I've dealt with detectives and they're not nice. We've answered many a question. This is a last resort, honestly. That's our last ten gold pieces. Beef's been in there all day telling fortunes and he's just been laughing his ass off all day at these people. Should we shut this down?

I mean, we're making a good amount of money, but Beef's fully laughing in these people's faces. No, no, no. I know where your daughter is. Oh, my. I know where your daughter is. Where's our little Iona? Please. Go home. No, but we haven't been home in two weeks. She'll be there?

Exactly. Go home. She'll be there. Unbelievable. Thank you so much, Beef. I can't believe this is real. If this is not real, we'll be there. Unbelievable. Thank you so much, Beef. I can't believe this is real. If this is not real, we'll be back. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Beef takes off his little hat. Oh, God, am I too late? Excuse me. Oh, I took off my little hat, so I don't know. Oh, shoot. I'm just I'm so lost. I said a festival 11 years ago, and then two weeks ago, I lost my parents. I haven't been able to find them.

Listen, it's lunchtime. I haven't really heard anything that is shut down, bottoms up, a bowl so far. Agreed. Agreed. Again, it's more of the quantity, not necessarily the quality with these complaints. So we could just write a bunch of complaints about our competitors and it would shut them down?

We could just lie a bunch? Each of these are verified by a different individual. Who? Yeah, was that the parents or the daughter that was missing? Arguably both could be upset. Oh my gosh, we probably were connected. Oh my gosh.

That's sweet. Mystery. Well, that one's fixed. We just fixed that one. Beef takes out a little mystery book and he does a little check mark and he closes it. Here's another one. Your swimming pool was not as fun as I hoped.

Wanted some beach vibes at my local watering hole. I didn't even think it was real water. Hey, um, Seb? Yeah? You know how a gigantic hole in the ground appeared this morning? Yeah, yeah, yeah, No, I remember that. There was a big shake. Yeah, yeah. There was a big shake. The ground opened up.

Someone's swimming in it. Should we? Charles! Charles, stop! Did you guys see downstairs? There's somebody swimming in the bar! I'm getting my suit on! Let me sit down there! Chip! Chip! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Well,

it looks like fun, and then I rip my clothes away, and I'm in my swimsuit and sunglasses. It's like a 1920s. I like short blue in my striped swimsuit. Okay, well, if Chip noticed, then, oh, yep, here he comes. Beef's wearing a nice little, like, you know in those movies when the hot girl walks about poolside and everyone turns their head yeah beef's wearing like a red like one piece showing off all the body and

everybody's yeah yeah he's walking he's feeling himself all right we can't beat him and chalice put swimmies on jennifer and herself my swimmies oh man chip you blasted all the water out wait i don't think this is water guys it looks like it's burning your skin get me out save me save. Save me! Save me! Who's the lifeguard? There's no lifeguard on duty. And there's not even a sign that says swim at your own risk. We're f***ed. Bye forever. Bye, Chip.

So, I don't understand why they were upset because we also were burned by that lava we were swimming in. That was a bad day for us as well. That's misleading for lava. Come on, lava. Guys, I wrote that complaint. Chip. Chip. I was pissed that you guys let me do that.

Chip, there was no stopping you. You ran so fast. Your bathing suit was not on and then it was on. You guys had to bring me back to life that day. Yeah. Well, you jumped into lava, bud. Yeah. And another guy died dying in that lava. So count your blessings.

Yeah. And another guy died, died in that lava. So count your blessings. There are way too many bathroom attendants at this establishment. All right, flush, and here I go. And a mint. Hello, hello, hello. Take a mint from me, take a mint from me,

take a mint from me, take a mint from me. If it's something you care for. Ah, please! I'm sorry. You can take whatever money you need. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. Unless it's a tip. Unless it's a tip. And I got two kids. Please don't hurt me. Just take whatever you want. It's just

a tip, and whoever you tip probably deserved it in motion, so I'll take the gold piece if you've got it. You just take this gold piece. You can split it. I don't know what you want. You're all dressed so fancy. Thank you. Thank you very much. We actually

stole these from other bathroom attendants. So you're thieves? Yeah, maybe. I prefer bandit. It's just a little bit more playful. And we're not right now now we're not thieves right now yes we were thieves thank you Jennifer

I don't want a mint or a wet cloth or anything gum I'm good I actually what did I tell you guys these profit margins are f***ing nuts but she's about to leave she didn't even wash her hands. Yeah, that's gross as s***.

Hey, lady. Uh, yeah? You didn't wash your hands. You didn't even wash your hands. I'm scared to stay in the bathroom with you. Yeah, sure. What? Scared of what?

We're keeping it safe in here. Safe from what? You. From people like you that don't wash their hands. The only other person in here is a piece of broccoli wearing a rock on its head. Hey! That's Beef's friend. Okay, I don't know who Beef is.

Oh! Let me at her. What the heck? Why is the door locked? Let me out, let me out, let me out! Take a mint now. You guys, I think I might have written that complaint. Because I felt jealous that I got left out

of bath attendant week. Because remember, you guys robbed only four bathroom attendants that I couldn't participate. You could only steal four tuxes. We're sorry. That was really not cool of us. You weren't even supposed to find out about it. It's okay if the four of you have fun without me.

No, it's not. No, it's really not. It's okay if the four of you have fun without me. No, it's not. No, it's really not. It's not. We're sorry. We want it more. We have fun without Jennifer all the time. That's easy. Doubt it! Well, this one I don't think you'll

be able to defend at all. I'd like to see you try, actually. It reads, one of the employees literally punched me in the face and broke my nose. Pow, right in the kisser. Seb, I forgot about that.

That was awesome. I was not there for that. I was not there for that. It was awesome. A was not there for that. I was not there for that. It was awesome. A patron was just being a little bit annoying. Seb went up, went pow right in the kisser and punched them right in the face. I just don't think Seb took enough of his vitamins

that day. He was really angsty. Probably because I wasn't there and I'm usually the one that checks in on Seb's vitamins. And you took my pillbox. Well, because I'd give you your vitamins. So when I'm not there, that checks in on Seb's vitamins. And you took my pill box. Well, because I give you your vitamins. So when I'm not there, you don't get them. Well, and then I talk like I'm from the 1920s, a little flapper man. Yes, I know what pills you take.

I know the pill that makes you not talk like a little 1920s flapper man. I'm aware. 1920s flapper man. What are we even talking about here? Yeah, where 2020's flapper man. I want more flapper man. No, Beef, trust me, you don't. That's why these pills exist. Hey, what are you doing over there with that corn beef? Oh, that's right. I forgot to give it to him

this morning. Pow! Right in the kisser. Seb, take your pill. Seb, take your pill. Seb, take your pill. He punched both of us. That pill's huge. How long was I out? It was about 12 seconds. Oh, thank god.

OK, we're in close to the final stretch here. Here's one. It says, it seemed like the employees were more interested in playing some game they were calling Secret Worm than serving customers. Can you please move your chair? Hey, sir, please move your chair. Do you mind? Okay.

Yeah, we're ready to order, too. Sure. In one second. Yes, sir. If you could just move the table. Sorry, we're ready to order too. Sure. One second. Yes, sir. If you could just move the... Actually, just move the table. If you could just move the table. Sorry, we're busy.

Nine, ten. Okay. Coming to find the worms. Stop, Mommy. I have to pee. Do it. Just do it here. Just go.

Just go. Here, hold on, hold on. Chip takes the guy's drink and dumps it on the floor and gives Beef the cup. Beef pisses in the cup and then dumps it out on the floor. He does? Oh.

Sir, you're ruining, we're going to get found because of you. Shut up. She's coming, she's coming, she's coming. Where are my three worms? Are they behind the curtain? No. No. Are they behind the curtain?

No. No. Huh, what about this loud patron that's calling attention to himself? I bet they're under that table, because I bet Beef had to pee. Oh, my God. And then that guy got pissed. You bet found out. Dude, you ruined it. I win.

Beef wiggles out of the worm thing. We've won 964 times in a row. We were trying to get to 1,000, and you absolutely ruined it for us. I won. I finally won. I can never find them. I'm angry. I'm sorry.

He took my cup, threw it out, pissed in it, and then threw it on the ground. I mean, it's not my fault. This has been terrible. What, did you want my piss? You weird little perv. You wanted to drink it? Isn't that your whole thing? You guys serve piss here.

Dude, I swear he smiled when he said pissed right there. I swear to God he just smiled when he said pissed right there. It's on your menu! I didn't order it. I don't want it, but you serve it. Okay, how about this? How about I'm going to leave and when I come back you better hope you're hiding.

Well, you want to play? I don't want to. No, he wants to play, guys. We have another game. No, I'm threatening you. He wants to play. I'm threatening you. I'm saying you better not let me find you.

You can't be Worm yet until you find Worm. So Chalice now gets to be Worm because she found Worm. So congratulations, Chalice. You finally get to be worm because she found worm so congratulations chalice you finally get to be worm we played it the first day i got here and i've never won until today i've always wanted to be a worm and i'm so relieved and so happy yay okay well then you're okay she's a worm too then but when i come back if i do find you make sure you count to 100 before you come back. Okay, I will. I know. I heard the rules. But before you start counting, you go, Worm King, Worm King, where are my worms? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 62, 63, 62, 63, 62, 63, 62, 63, 62, 63, 62, 63, 63, 62, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63, 63 looking for worms. Yeah, Christy, you want to play the game?

Honestly, can we just get through? I'm trying to just wrap up my day. Christy, normally when we do this, it's a fun comment box. And it's usually because the comment box explodes from a firework or something. So you know what? We're doing you a favor by listening to a sad lady tell us all these things, okay? Yeah. Yeah, Chels has got a good point.

You could be in this small little depressing room by yourself, but here we are keeping you company. Trying to bribe you. Yeah. Recounting a bunch of fun stories that I'm sure you're having a blast listening to, if we're being honest, Christy. Christy. If I'm being honest i would say i'd say like seven percent of these are kind of endearing find one that's fun find one that's fun yeah read you're the funnest one read the one that you think is the funnest and we're really up on our desk now.

Okay. This one, I mean, there's no denying this one, and I don't know why it was a complaint. I have fallen in love with every member of the staff. Why is that a complaint? I guess we have to see. Hi. Hey. Hi. Yeah. Hi, see. Hi. Hey.

Yeah. Hi, Jerry. Hi. Yeah, good to see you again. Oh, what is that smell? It smells like someone bathed in cologne. It's Jerry. It's Jerry. Jerry's back.

Oh. Hi, Jerry. Jerry's back. Jerry's back. You have a bunch of bouquets of flowers. One bouquet for each of you. Hey, why are all of the birds just kind of like flying away? Like there's about to be some sort of seismic.

Oh, God. Jerry's here. Jerry's back. Hey, Jerry. Hey, sweet eyes. Oh, my God. Did I shit in my pants? Beef, beef, it's Jerry.

Oh, oh. Jerry. Hey, Jerry. Beep, beep, it's Jerry. Jerry. Hey, Jerry. This is what I need. We asked for what his name was and now he comes back all the time. You're right, we gotta stop it. Per Seb's point earlier.

Yeah. We just don't. Hey guys, I think there's another gas leak in the kitchen or something. It smells like absolute asshole. Jerry, Jerry's back. Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. You guys are saying my name so much, it's making me want to spin.

Well, feel free. Take a little 180 spin. Head the other way. Go out the door. Keep going, man. Don't stop. Don't stop spinning. Oh, but I have to because I had to tell you guys something.

What is it, Jerry? I bought us something. Us? I bought us something. Us? You bought us something? I bought us something for the us of us. Okay. Yeah, what is it, Jerry? It's a music box.

And we start this little thing. Oh, this music's so good, it makes me want to spin. Jerry, you throw up a lot every time. And it's sort of the rest of the day that we're picking up after you, okay? Excuse me. See, and then you mask the smell with cologne. But it's little. It is just little throw ups.

The hottest patron we have who just smells terrible because he loves to spin. Because he loves to spin. Yeah, Jerry, we're actually... Who is this guy? This guy makes no sense. This guy, you make no sense.

I'm Jerry. I love to spin. I smell like shit. I do little throw-ups. You're pissing me off. You're pissing me off. You're pissing me off. B finally hit his wall with Jerry. You're pissing me off, Jerry.

I do make sense. I make a lot of sense. Oh, what? You spin around? Like what? And smell bad? What do you do when you wake up? When you wake up, what do you do?

Oh, well, I spin. Yeah, that's good. It's too mean. The sky's in love with you. It's clear. It do make sense unless love doesn't make sense. That doesn't make sense. If love's coming from you, then I don't want it to make sense.

Beef. Whoa, beef. Too mean. Beef. Too mean. Too mean. No, it's okay. I just, I'm.

Oh, no. He's not even spinning and he's throwing up. I'm just, I think I'm going to walk out of here normal style, no spins. Jerry, I'll go on a date with you and Sepp will too, right, Sepp? What? No. Yeah, I was kind of on the fence, but that sounds kind of cool to me. They decide to go on a date,

and on that day, they don't show up. And Cherry's there, sitting there. The world keeps spinning, spinning, round and round and round. Sad. Ooh. That's right, Chalice.

Oh, boy. I meant to go to that. Sorry, Chrissy. That wasn't a fun one. It was not. My apologies. I kind of lost my cool. There's really just a couple more here,

and then we can all get on with our days. Here we go. The bar is attracting the wrong type of crowd if they want to stay in business you guys we're not even open yet and there's a bunch of broccoli wearing rocks for hats that wind up down the block yeah beef did your friend say something i guess i must have let it slip when i was out getting the broccoli in the hat that free drinks today at bottoms up what beef we can't afford it for all these broccolis are they sentient they're just cool man and i wanted them what do you mean they're just cool they're little broccolis with boulders on their head exactly why they're cool

nobody else is gonna come here if there's a bunch of broccolis all over the place yeah smelling like steamed broccoli in this place pu what.U. What are we trying to feed a child? Come on. Like, physics-wise, they don't make sense. The boulder should be smashing them. Yeah, I feel like in the context of things, these don't make sense. Explain these.

Uh-oh. What are these things? Jennifer's hitting her wall with the broccoli with the boulder. It's pretty obvious, man. Jennifer, be nice. They're clearly in love with boulder. It's pretty obvious, man. Jennifer, be nice. They're clearly in love with you. I don't get it, man. What are they?

Meemo, meemo. Meemo, meemo, meemo. There they are. I hate them. I hate them. Yeah. Jennifer. Meemo, meemo.

Meemo, meemo, meemo, meemo. I'm so happy. It's so good to see you. I'm so happy you made it. Meemo, meemo, meemo, meemo. Yeah, you got the address just fine. There's traffic. I get that.

Lots of traffic. I'm glad you brought... Oh, you don't say. Oh, my goodness. No way. Holy hell. That's not nice to say. Seb, that's offensive.

Don't try to speak. I'm sorry. Please, Seb. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Just want to fit in with anyone. They did taste good once we actually steamed them and cooked them. They were delicious.

Winding down here. They wouldn't let me in and wouldn't tell me why. They were clearly open. I could see other people eating and drinking inside. Um, hello? Uh, guys? They're celebrating wintertide and Bottoms Up has literally never looked more cozy. It's snowing outside.

It's really cold inside. There's like twinkly lights and spiked eggnog and people singing carols. Everyone's cheeks are so rosy. Yeah. So I know that we've been scraping by this year, but I put all the money together and I got you guys something a little special. You shouldn't have, Chippy.

You should. We're all going on a vacation together. The whole bar, every patron. Everyone here? We're all going together. Everyone inside? Anybody who's inside can come with us. Okay? I gotta get inside.

How do I get inside? Hip hip? Hooray! Did someone say pip pip? Pip pip! Chip, where are we going? We're going to outer space. I've always wanted to go to outer space. Oh my god, I've never been to outer space. I've always wanted to go to outer space.

Oh, my God. I've never been to outer space. I forget who it was, but there was a patron that was saying that it was their number one place they've always wanted to go. Can't remember who it was. Probably regular Joe or something. It must be somebody who's in this room. Maybe the guy that spins. Yeah.

It was me, Jeff. It was Mr. Pim All they can hear is the howling of the wind In the cold from out there Well, the rocket ship's on the roof So if everybody wants to head upstairs Yay, winter time Oh no

And he just huddles down And he's only got one matchstick left In the cold And he strikes it And it goes away too quick. And then he watches as we rocket to the moon. Alright.

Okay, so. Was it Mr. Pibb? Yeah. I'm just gonna tell you that one. And I shouldn't tell you, but yes. Yeah, let's go throw eggs at his house after this. For sure. Already on it. Absolutely. You were already planning on doing that today, Seb?

I love it. Let's look in the knapsack. Boom. Two dozen. Wow. Two dozen eggs. Oh, my gosh. The eggs from space.

And they're hard. Boiled. That'll really show up. Yeah, they're going to really hurt. So this, I can't believe it, but we're at the last one. This was so fun. No, it wasn't. It's not supposed to.

Christy. This was amazing, Christy. Christy, thank you so much for having us this evening. I love it. I'm glad that you had a nice time. I will say this was one of my more colorful meetings that I've had. Is that a smile? And a little laugh.

And a little giggle? You got a nice smile. Thank you. Thank you. I kind of forgot that I had one. So last one here. Dad. Bleak.

The lost and found box behind the bar is always empty, even though I have lost something every time I've gotten a drink there. Actioning off the lost and found items. We've got here a glass

eye. Five chores. Five chores for the glass eye. I got five. A glass eye. Five chores. Five chores for a glass eye. I got five chores. Five chores. Five chores. Six chores. Six chores. I hear six chores. I hear six chores. Anybody want to go higher than six chores? Ten chores. Ten chores. Ten chores. Four chore eye.

Ten chores. Two cuddles. Ten chores. Two cuddles. Ten chores. Two cuddles. And I got ten chores. Two cuddles. Ten chores, two cuddles. And I got ten chores, two cuddles. And going once, going twice, and sold. Sold to the guy in the back glass eye. Does it work? No. Damn it.

Damn it. That's before. Damn it. Chalice, can you go splitsies with me on this one? This next one? No, on the eye. No, I could only afford six chores. Did you guys like my voice?

I did. Yes, I did. And I love your outfit. Guys, keep it down. Something really good's coming up. The next item is a treasure map. I'll do seven chores. I hear seven chores, seven chores, seven chores.

Anybody want to go higher than seven chores? Seven chores? Fourteen chores? Fourteen chores coming from the old guy in the back. Come out. One gold. One gold. What the?

Okay. Sold. Going to the guy in the back. Here you go. Cool. Chalice, will you go splitsies with me on this? No, what the heck? Just because we're a couple now

doesn't mean I need to split everything. But if we find the treasure together, I'll split it with you. Voice was a little bit different that time. I don't know if you guys picked up on that. We noticed that. We noticed that. And the last item is Chip's journal of chock full.

10 gold pieces. 10 gold, 10 gold, 11 gold. I hear 11 gold pieces. 12 gold pieces. One treasure map and an eye. An eye and a treasure map, please. 20 gold. 20 gold and sold to the pretty woman in the front.

Chels, can we go splitsies on that? No, I'm giving it back to Chip. Really? Wait, I just saw one page. He refers to himself as, maybe I'm going to start calling myself Blaze. Never mind, I'm keeping the journal. No, no, no, no, that was a joke.

That was a joke. Blaze, you idiot. That just about wraps it up so we're good then now it's again you're shut down I just legally was obligated to let you know all the complaints that have been filed

alright everybody empty your pockets to try to bribe her I know you got a treasure map on you we got an eye we got a few gold pieces. Three margaritas from Bottoms Up. Two tickets to a sex cruise. You can take all of this. Listen, I'm unbribable because

there's nothing you could offer me that I'd be able to even take advantage of because I'm just too busy, okay? Well, babysit. Oh, bingo, bingo. I'm certified. Yeah, well, babysit your five boys we'll babysit and you know what i had so much fun today that i will do your job for a week oh boy chip okay so

those are kind of if i'm being honest the two um well they're the two big hang-ups that i have with taking a vacation is that no one else can fill in for me. No one can do what I do, or is willing to. And no one wants to deal with my children. They're the local pariah, and they're insane. Yeah, I'll do the job part. I'll do the kids. I'm insane!

Yeah, you can't out-crazy beef. Okay, uh, well, we've got these... So these tickets to the SS Sexual, they're for me Yeah, bring a friend And a friend That's kind of the issue, I haven't really been Watering my friendship plants

Seb, you have to go on this cruise Go on this cruise Can I go on this bottomless cruise with you? Oh my god Um Yes That sounds really fun Chip, Chalalice and beef are like standing like like really close to each other like looking at each other kind of going into a new era of my life

i love this for you whoa sab oh my god she's perfect for you i didn't even realize it till just now but she's perfect for you okay we're't even realize it until just now, but she's perfect for you. Okay, we're going to give you guys a little bit of time. We'll go kidnap your kids. I'll check in tomorrow. Do I have a boss here? We'll figure it out. Remember, no underwear allowed.

And you know what we're going to do? We're going to show everyone's week on the Patreon at some point. At some point. one and if you haven't heard now is actually an excellent time to check out our patreon we have over 100 episodes of content on the patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure right now from episodes like chip's tips where chip hosts an in-world radio advice show or elizabeth's diary entries where aaron and elizabeth do a deep dive into elizabeth's real teen diary or slow Tuesdays where you get a sneak peek behind the curtain to see what the Bottoms Up gang is up to when there's no big adventure afoot. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's

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about those items it's a blast and you can check it out at patreon.com sitcom dnd to get in on the fun and finally if you want to keep up with the gang you can follow the show on instagram at sitcom dnd that's sitcom and the letters d and d okay i think that's it for now until next tuesday and thanks as always for listening that was a hate gun podcast