SitcomD&D - S5 E8: Bars of our Lives

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

When a soap leak in Bottoms Up threatens the health and sanity of the BUGs they are forced to find a way to cut it off at the source. Theme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Ben Briggs & Sean CoyleEdited by: Grace HarperSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. I want to guess what your favorite part of Chex Mix is. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay. For both of you, although, Waleed, your palate is always a curveball to me. If your taste in candy is any indication, I'm going to guess you second, and I'm going to guess f***ing rye chips because you're insane.

But I think I'm going to guess for Elizabeth cornchex or pretzels. I'm going to say Elizabeth cornchex. Waleed, I'm going to say black licorice. My favorite part of Chex Mix. Yeah, what's that little rye guy, right? That would be the rye chip. Yeah.

And that's the one you like the best? For a long time, I was like, I don't like you. I don't get you. And then one day, I grew up. I feel that. I feel that. I grew up.

Yeah. That's so relatable. We all take that step in our lives. Where, you know, you decide, why not like the whole bunch? Like with Lucky Charms. I used to just eat the Lucky Charms and not the actual cereal. That's wild because there's so much more cereal. There's so much more cereal.

That's an expensive thing to do to your parents, too. Yeah, and I would throw the bowl at their head when I was done. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a face-to-face audience today. We're picking up inside Bottoms Up, and it's a normal shift, but maybe things are shifting to be not so normal.

I made that up on the fly. I'm so happy with it. You're doing great. Keep going. Thanks, guys. Don't stop. So, what does the gang do on a normal day? Well, that's for them to figure out. But the way that things are trending not so normally is because

there's a table that is starting to get into kind of a loud argument of some sort. There's a kerfuffle happening inside Bottoms Up, and it's distracting not only to other patrons, but to the Bottoms Up gang themselves. So we're going to pick up kind of in the heat of the moment there

with this table of this couple really getting into it. So quiet on set, sound speeding, and we're rolling. Down. Nice. A little bit early. When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup,

find Sebastian Chalice, chip and beef at the Noble Bottoms Up. As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away We're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day We're in different worlds with different strokes But the good times will not end So cheers to all our family and our friends

Starring Aaron Keith as Chalice Glass Elizabeth Andrews as Beef Waleed Mansour as Chip A. Horney Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant And Sean Coyle as everything else Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience I knew it, and I should have suspected. I can't believe it.

I went up there and I did my full set. Do you think anyone's even listening to me? What? I can't even. That table's being so loud. I can't believe it. Oh, my gosh. What's going on over there? Chalice jumps over the bar and sort of crawls over

because she's very nosy. I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier, but I didn't know the right way. We wanted to tell you. Who's we? Well, the only way that you could have told me is just to be direct and say that that baby in your stomach isn't mine.

It's my brother's. Stomach? That's not where babies go. Babies, I thought, go somewhere else. Is the we her and the lover or her and the baby? Oh, my God. The rest of the crew jumps over the bar and we're crawled up next to Jalus. Give me a perception check.

I gotta figure out how this baby got into his stomach. Yeah, we gotta know. Ooh, 21. Yeah, 15. With a 21, the first thing that strikes you as odd is that these people are typically very, very subdued, non-boisterous, non-dramatic, hardly ever raising their voices above a three on a scale of one to ten. And you're pretty sure that before this, their relationship wasn't even that serious. You're questioning a lot of what you knew about these two people

watching them be at a 10 right now, dramatically. Well, I don't know what else to say, but I'm sorry, and that you need to go because your brother's on the way here, and he's going to kill you. What did we miss?

Chip, do something. Yeah, we can't have any danger here. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right, right. Hey, what's up? What were the names again of you two? And we're not talking to you, okay? Yes, yes.

And I'm going to kill my brother before he kills me. He looks just like me, but he's got a mustache and a little bit darker of a personality. Okay. Well, you have to do that out of here. Is he single? Chalice. What?

Sorry, I'm asking for beef. And Seb, with your 21 perception check, you also notice something else. Next to where they're seated at their table, there is some sort of leak happening. It's some sort of clear liquid that looks like water, but has more of a kind of shine to it. I'm gonna see like a reflection of the entire rainbow in this translucent liquid that's on the ground. Oh, cool. Oil water. I wonder what that... Well, it's probably oil water. I should probably go touch the oil water. Well, they go to leave those two,

and the man slips on this liquid and is about to careen towards the ground. Can I try to catch him? Yeah, no injuries. Give me a dexterity check. Well, they signed the waiver now, right? That's... Oh.

18. Already falls into your arms. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Thank you for catching me. You're welcome. Okay, now what is happening here? I agree.

What is happening? What is happening here? I'm with you and this baby in the stomach. And I'm sorry about the oil water. And I haven't done a thing. You know what? Enough. Enough.

I'm out of here. I don't trust you right now. I don't trust you to be safe around the father of my unborn child. I can't believe this is happening! And they both now get to their feet and are headed out of Bottoms Up. Oh, my God. Whoa. I thought that they were about to throw dukes at each other, man.

That was crazy. That was amazing. Yeah, it was kind of cool. That was awesome. I just wanted to know more. That was a blast. She really stood her ground there, man. That was nuts.

And for everybody in this moment, give me another perception check. Seven. Nine. Eight another perception check. Seven. Nine. Eight. Thirteen. Oh. Okay, not great. So at this point, Beef, you notice just a change in your perception of things.

It seems like the lighting is just a bit harsher in Bottoms Up all of a sudden. There's almost like a motion smoothing effect on everything that you see. Something is different. Seb, having inspected the liquid on the ground, you see that it's actually trailing out of the supply closet that was next to their two-person table. Beef starts touching his belly thinking, is baby in my stomach? That's all he's doing. Interesting. There's this oil water, but it's coming from the closet, which is where we

keep the stuff that clean. Why is it so soft, slit in here? Everything is just fuzzed out. Seb, did you get more hair? You look like you have more hair. Holy shit. Look at my chest. Look at these tufts. Those are some rough tufts.

You got great tufts, man. You should be showing off your tufts more here. People will go hoorah wild for that. Maybe that's why they were so enthralled just moments ago. It was because of Seb's chest Tufts. I don't even remember having these Tufts just even a moment ago. You all look different. Whoa. Beef, you're wearing like a big cowboy hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The wig wagon's actually getting repaired, so I... It's acting up. Yeah, it's acting up. So I put this hat on. When you guys want to give me an Arcana check or a history check, dealer's choice. Not me. I'll do Arcana.

19. Oh, nice. Okay. Seb, you realize that based on what you just said, where it's coming from, what it looks like, what's usually in the supply closet, that you've got a leak. And not just any leak, but a soap leak. And you know that soap leaks can change your perception of reality. And in some cases, when in the air like this, can even cause people to see hallucinations. But above all else, they're known to create a dramatic increase

in melodrama. Things being emotionally exaggerated or just overly dramatic in general. Above all else, this can be dangerous and a leak like this, a soap leak,

needs to be addressed straight away. Are we so disgusting that soap affects us this much? Yes. That's not good. Oh my God. This is like an opera.

This is a soap opera. Oh. Should we investigate? I'd say so. I mean, we know what can happen if this leak gets any worse. Yeah, it could. We've heard the stories before. By God! But there has to be another way!

What kind of way could be possible, Seb? Chalice excused herself for a second, and she's walking back down the stairs dressed like Joan Collins in Dynasty. In her 80s, black and white power suit with one of those black veils in front of her face and like a bold red lip. The glass in Beef's hand shatters. Settle down, gentlemen. I think we should investigate this leak. At the very least,

someone could slip on it, ruining our business. And at the very most, it could cause even more problems. And that's the last thing we need this season is more problems. Understand, boys? Yes, understood.

Hubba-dubba-dubba. Hubba-dubba-dubba. Hubba-dubba-dubba. Hubba-dubba-dubba. Hubba-dubba-dubba. All right, let's follow the leak. It must lead us to where we need to get to. Should we go over to the closet?

We go to the closet. What the hell are you guys doing? I thought we were supposed to... Oh, wow. Once again, you're plotting against me. Well, good luck plotting when I'm with you the whole time. Can't let you out of my sight. Shh, Jennifer.

We're about to open up the door, and we don't know what's behind it. It could be anything. It could be anything. Seb has an eye patch now. Yay. Well, sign It could be anything. It could be anything. Sam has an eye patch now. Yay. Well, sign me up for anything. And as you enter the supply closet, you are immediately struck by it being much bigger than you previously had remembered.

Maybe it's because oftentimes you're not in the supply closet. Not a lot of cleaning has been going on in Bottoms Up. So not a lot of memories involve the supply closet itself. But there is a lot of stuff in the supply closet, including supplies. Cleaning supplies, some old pipes, general signs that had been used for past marketing. It is very cluttered, to say the least. But you are starting to follow this soap leak through the supply closet room.

My God! There's a staff toilet in here. We didn't even know we had a staff toilet. It's lovely in here. Perhaps maybe one of us could get our own room now, Seb. What do you think? Maybe I move in here? You've been plotting to leave me ever since the our own room now, Seb. What do you think? Maybe I move in here? You've been plotting to leave me ever since the war.

My God, Seb. What are you talking about? Seb. The war. Beef, just because there's a staff toilet in here does not mean you need to use it straight away. Okay, well, you better stop me because I'm doing it. Beef goes over the toilet. You are doing it. Beep goes over to the toilet. You are doing it.

Wow. Oh, graphic. Big, too. Yeah. Huge. Yeah, blur it. Yes, Chip, maybe. Blur it.

Chip, maybe it is time that you sort of get a room of your own so you and I can finally get some privacy. Oh, I do like the sound of that. And perhaps Seb won't watch with his creepy ways now. Watch? Watch? It's MySpace 2. And you know what? We used to be friends and we used to sleep in one bed like the grandparents from Willy Wonka. Used to be. Used to be, Seb. Oh Seb Don't misconstrue my words I struck his beard, or his ponytail As you're doing that, everyone please also give me a constitution saving throw

To see how this soap leak is affecting you Natural 20 Nice 7 13 5 Okay With a 7 and 5 respectively Chip and beef 20. Nice. 7. 13. 5. Okay. With a 7 and 5 respectively,

Chip and Beef, you both immediately suffer full-on amnesia and completely forget who you are. Whoa! There's no way! There's no way what? I'm sorry. who are you all?

Back up Ha ha ha, very funny Chip and Beef You're slowing us down Trying to find where the soap leak is So we can get back to cleaning glasses Don't touch me, you wench Chips and Beef, that sounds tasty And delicious

Chip! And I slap him back and forth Kind of like in a very dramatic, almost stagey way. Don't you know? What is happening? We went to high school! Sir, I'm sorry, I must have forgotten. I mean, it's been a while. Is this a reunion of some sort?

Sorry. Hi, everybody. I'm, um... I'm, um... Chip Ahoy. I lied about the thing where I got swallowed by a dragon. Oh, you did? Oh, well, hello, Chip Ahoy, I lied about the thing where I got swallowed by a dragon. The thing got swallowed by a dragon. Oh, you did? Oh, well, hello, Chip Ahoy. It's nice to meet you.

No, it's you. How would you admit to a lie? That's ridiculous. Chip, it's me. Are you a member of Chalice? I'm your beloved girlfriend. We're in love. We're in love.

Chip, remember me? Beef, you love me so much. You love me more than Chip, probably. Let go of me, you wench. She's lying. You're in love with me more than Chip probably. Let go of me, you wench! She's lying! You're in love with me! I'm Jennifer! Don't you recognize your

hot-ass Jennifer? Come, come, both of you. Actually, Beef, I saved your life, like four times. And you owe me yours. You owe me yours forever. Let go of me, you wench! Can Jennifer also be dressed like Joan Collins from Dynasty?

Of course. 80s power suit? Thank you. I'm sorry. Please stop touching this little person. He does not care for it. Can Chalice roll a history check to see if she's dealt with this problem before? Sure. To see if she has context for why they forget.

Ooh, 19. With a 19, you remember hearing about things like this causing amnesia. You definitely know that that is the root cause. From a non-medical background, you've heard a mix of certain things snapping people out of amnesia. A lot of it just kind of like

folk tales of, oh, if you take them to this certain waterfall at this certain hour and bathe them under a full moon, they remember who they are. Or a certain moment in time has to be recreated that brings back their entire memory. A lot of it seems to be like hearsay. In your gut, you're kind of like, sometimes it's just a matter of time and you just hope that they come back to themselves. But you've heard a lot of different things. Seb, honey, a word? Yes. Maybe if we burn him, he'll remember. Hold your horses. First of all, did your eye patch move to the other eye? I love that. Yes, yes. My depth perception was off and I wanted to see if this helped and it did not. Great. Second of all, I think

Beef and Chip have amnesia. Perhaps from the soap, perhaps from something else. If we solve this problem quickly, maybe they could come back, but that's no promise. It might just be you and me from now on, which would be fun and great. The other two almost died at the end of the last season. We've been at this crossroads

before. I mean, mentally I was prepared, but... Not ideal. Not ideal, yes, yes. Gotta say that. We have to do something. Should we give them different identities today for fun? Yes, quad and thigh. Open to ideas.

I'm locked in on that. Great. You are thigh, little one. Big one, you are quad. I am? Yes, you are quad. We can call you Quadzilla because you're big. Say it.

I am quad. I'm quad. I'm sorry. Do I know you two? Ma'am, you said I'm your lover, I love you, or something of that nature? Yes, I did. No, I'm your lover. Oh, um, I see.

I guess, first of all, I'm sorry I didn't realize that I've told both of you that I love you so much. I'm so surprised because I'm not even remotely attracted to you, you little rat. Me? Don't talk to Chalice like that I mean, yes, you're not in love with her But don't have to talk to her like that I was talking to you The actual rat in the room

Jennifer, you think I'm scared? I can win at this love triangle by the end of the day I got Chip, I mean, Quad To fall in love with me once I can do it again Fair enough Slaps Jennifer into the wall. Beef saddles up to Seb and is like,

well, then you must be, by process of elimination, we must have had a past. And he touches his forearm. Platonic, platonic, platonic, platonic, platonic. Ooh, I have no idea what that means. Okay, we can hold hands. So, okay, so you're my lovers. Is there anything else that we need to know?

What is it that we do? Are we important in some way? We must be. You're the two kings, but in order to become kings, you have to figure out where this soap is leaking from, and we need to solve it by the end of the day. Okay, this wasn't part of our plan. We're on our way to becoming kings.

Yes. Can only one of us become the king? I'm prepared to fight. I hate you, thigh. I hate you, quad. Right? Oh, my God. Is that right?

Yes. And you both owe me lots of money. Well, once I'm king, I'm sure I can send some money your way. Okay, nice. Yeah, once I'm king, money won't even be money to me. It'll be like anything else. Well, now that I've made this sufficiently complicated for everyone,

Beef, I think it's time you flush the toilet and we move through this. Who? I, uh, Thigh. Thigh, Thigh, Thigh, Thigh. Little Thigh, big quad. Thigh, have you been on the toilet this whole time and you want this man to be your king? Look at him. He's a joke, right?

Sitting on a throne? That's a lot coming from you, big guy. You don't even know who you're in love with. Well, it seems apparently I have multiple suitors, even though one of them is an ugly little rat. Hey. Don't talk about challenge like that. You hit on somebody and he screamed platonic at your face That's horribly embarrassing

And not very kingly Well, I'm gonna find the gas leak before you do How about that? And I'll become the king of the rightful throne Oh, it's kind of working Oh, really? Well, on guard On guard. And Quad

does the thing where he pats his pockets to see if he has any weapons or anything. Yeah. Well, does Chip have any weapons on him? Always. He pulls out a crossbow and points it. Ah! Oh! It escalated quickly. I got one of these bad boys.

Well, get prepared for one of these! And Beef reaches into his pocket and one of these bad boys. Well, get prepared for one of these. And Beef reaches into his pocket and he pulls out that glass eye that he had, he got as a gift a long time ago.

Like episode two or three? Yeah. Okay. What a callback and what are you gonna do with this thing? Hell yeah, Elizabeth. And I, going to get blasted by this, I'm sure.

Whatever the f*** this is. What the f*** is this? It's clearly not. You stole it from this man over here. Oh, because of the eye patch. Sir, your eye. My eye. Good deductive reasoning, Quad.

And Chalice makes out with Quad. Oh, oh. Oh, Quad. And Chalice makes out with Quad. Oh, oh. Oh, okay. Okay. You're talking a lot through this makeup. Sorry, I don't recall how to do this type of thing. I wish it were muscle memory. This is kind of an unpleasant kiss.

That's the worst kiss I've ever seen. And thigh, both eyes work. It's actually yours. I'm not going to take it from you. I knew I could trust you, lover. And he touches his elbows. And I kiss him on the cheek. Whoa.

Okay. And then he kisses him on the other cheek. Is this happening? Quad shoots an arrow. And it goes right in between their lips right before they kiss. Whoa. Jealous, jealous. Nobody kisses except for me, the king right sort of yes all right we need

to fix this problem yes to the valve or something to the valve so you follow the soap trail and it actually leads to what seems to be like an alcove of other materials and supplies almost creating an additional room so you crawl down like on all fours is what you'd have to do to get through into this new unexplored area of the supply closet hmm not very kingly of me to get on all fours like this. Perhaps somebody can carry me through. I will lay down, perfectly still, and somebody will roll me through, if that's alright. Well, from the kingdom I'm surely coming from, it's how you get where you get is from blood, sweat, and tears.

Actually working. I don't mind getting a little dirty myself. I don't force that. Easy peasy. Of course, we can leave you behind. Or you could use the blood, sweat, and tears to push him. Maybe make it work for us, you know what I mean? That's right, yes.

If you're such a king, perhaps you would just roll me. Another king doesn't touch another king. That is not even possible in biblical times. That means nothing. Okay, I'll do it. I'll push Chip. Who? Thigh. Who?

I don't need to be pushed. I told you, thigh does not need to be pushed. Why did I do this? It's the same part of the leg. Oh my gosh. Quad. I will push quad. Yes.

Thank you. So you move into the next area of the supply area. And as you're moving towards the origin of the soap leak, it's getting stronger. So I need everyone to do another constitution check to see how it's affecting them. Oh boy. 15. 17. I got a seven. And I got a 17. Okay. Doing some mechanics math on the fly here. A couple of you are going to be overcome with very strong feelings of romantic desire. And those people are Chalice and Seb.

You now feel yourselves completely overwhelmed with the desire to be with beef. Oh. Who? With thigh. Thigh. Yes, we have been crawling for quite some time. Talk to me. Before the arrow stopped us, we were going to do something.

I just have to know. How long have you felt that way? What way? Hungry? For a while. Yes, it is sort of like a hunger. A hunger for admiration, a hunger for... A yearning.

I yearn for you. Chalice has changed into a long silk robe that is adorned with feathers at the trim. She has one of those long cigarette holders, and she turns slowly and goes, Hello, thigh. What's going on? Forgot to mention this to you before,

but you and I did date for three months. We did? You did? It was sort of a throwaway joke in season three, but we committed to it and we did a whole Patreon about it. It was actually quite lovely. People started to ship us after that. And you know what?

I'm thinking I can give that another shot. That ship has sailed. Hop on the new boat. Hold on. I thought... I'm sorry. I thought, uh,

chalice, lovely lady, I thought you had a thing for me. I thought we were in love. We just made out whilst I was talking only moments ago. Yeah, but that rat is interested in you, so I'm sure you'll be fine. I hate that rat.

I don't know that rat very well, but I hate that rat. Keep it away from me. Don't talk about Chalice that way. I'm talking about you, you rodent. Ah, spicy. This place is infested. Wow. Well, Then I guess

Hmm Sounds like you forgot everything So Maybe I'll relish In informing you of something That we haven't Brought up yet Chip

I mean Quad Yes And it's that I got your test results back today From Dr. Pibb No I didn't take

You're sick I didn't take any tests You're sick, Quad For how long? What? What do I have? Is it your brain? Or is it your butt? It's both! No! He's got butt brain! No!

Well, actually... They all slap each other. Yeah. Say it ain't so! I don't know much about my history, but it seems like my death was forthcoming. Yes, it freaking was. And now I'm not that sad about it, actually.

In fact, maybe I'll do a little dance on your gravestone every morning as part of my routine. Like in a nice way? No, like in a, I'm pretty freaking happy this guy's six feet under. Oh, God. I lose my girl and my life in the same day? Yeah, I give you about, I don you know, I'm pretty freaking happy this guy's six feet under. Oh, God. I lose my girl and my life in the same day? Yeah, I give you about, I don't know, two days. That's what the doctors seem to say. God damn it.

Thigh, all this talk of mortality and just, it could change in an instant. Yeah. Makes me just want to, you know, exclaim what I want to exclaim. I'm, I'm in love with you. I know. Yes. Oh, to be so vulnerable, right? Vulnerability is sort of a turn on for me.

Oh, is that true? I have a rash currently. And it's spreading. Probably from me. What? Maybe. I don't know. You're a dead man walking.

I don't even know you. You literally died in two days. Yeah, probably covered in rashes. Well, this has become a real mess. Seb, I think we should focus on trying to get their memories back. Yes, yes. By cleaning up the soap business, and then we can fight for thigh.

Yes. To the death. Oh, it'll be so quick. I've been a mercenary for so many forces. And I'm excited to kill you. I think it'll be a fun challenge. Yes, yes. And Chip, I'm excited to watch you die.

I don't have to do any fighting. Who? Oh, shit. This is... Onward. Let's go on. Onward. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sitcom D&D. use throughout another crack. It is a sloppy scene that you've got on your hands here, but it ultimately leads to another supply closet door. It begs the question, is this the door that we came in? Because you're all turned around at this point. Or is it a door further into supply closet land? Only way to know would be to go through. You must go through. This must be a joke. You must be to think I'm an idiot. We've been here before. You're just taking me around in circles until I go crazy.

No. I want to kill myself. No, no, no. We must go. We must go deeper. I promise. I promise on my love to you. And I promise on my love to you.

I will protect you and make sure you don't go crazy. Chalice is walking like shoulder first, somehow. It's that cowardice of yours that will make you never be a good king. You thigh you. Good one. Okay. I shoot him with an arrow.

Ow! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Does it hit? Did it hit me? Give me an attack roll. Oh, my God. 17. Does that hit with your armor class?

I'm sure it does. Yeah. Yes, it does. All right. Roll for damage. Okay. Quad. Six damage.

Yeah, take that. You thigh you. Ha! After shooting thigh, Quad bursts through the next door, if he can. Whoa. Suck it, thigh. Where did he shoot

thigh? The stomach? The leg? The thigh. You bust into the next room, and in the next room is more supplies Whoa And it pretty much looks the same as Like the first room that you entered previously Oh, ballpark

What, is this a revolving door for idiots? Where are we? Things are a little bit more motion blurred The lighting is even more soft yet harsh at the same time. The budget looks like it's plummeting for your reality. Every moment that passes. As you get closer

to the source, and what's telling you that you're getting closer to the source is the symptoms that you are suffering. So actually, everybody give me another constitution check. Did we get the arrow out of Beef's thigh yet? No, but I'm going to bite him. 16.

I got a five. Oh, f***. I botch. No, I got a nine. Okay. So, Seb, with a botch. I'm good. You head straight into a coma.

No. No. No! You go straight into a coma. No. No. No! You go straight into a coma, and in this coma, you are able to hear everyone around you, even though you are caught in just pure blackness. But you are not able to speak,

and nobody else can hear you. This is what I feel like Seb's normal brain. The anxiety of Seb manifesting. Seb, if you speak, it will be like, we know that these words are being said inside your head, but no one else outside of it can hear it. It's no time for sleep, my good man. I'm not asleep.

Oh, my God. He's gone cold to sleep, my good man. I'm not asleep. Oh my god! He's gone cold to the touch! Is he alive? Hmm. Can I roll, like, a medicine check? Yeah. Completely. Fifteen. That man's in a coma. Zamboni, did you hear me say

the weird word? Hello? This man is in a coma! Bim, bim, bim. Hey, Seb, wake up. Or not. Thigh is mine. Bastard.

And while everyone was checking for what was going on with Seb, thigh slash beef climbed on a crate and he's about to sneak he's sneak attack from behind chip he's me yeah i'm gonna jump onto your shoulders and i want to try to bite his neck his ear i'm gonna try to bite his ear off okay awesome there is a thing called sneak attack i think you have sneak attack no it would be so funny i guess maybe but i know it's a rogue move

it's an action right oh an action rogues have it i don't know if I know it's a rogue move. It's an action, right? Oh, an action. Rogues have it. I don't know if you have it as a bard, honestly. No. You can do an unarmed strike if you'd like. Yeah, I gotta do that, unfortunately. Unfortunately, you just gotta give him an old fashion ear bite. Yeah, I'm gonna give him an old fashion ear bite. The old Mike Tyson. Yay.

Yeah, roll a d20. 19. Ooh. plus anything? I think you get to it for an unarmed strike. Does it say anything? Oh. Also, 19 hits, so it doesn't matter. Oh, okay, great.

Under my damage, it says zero. What? Because your strength is negative one. Dang it. Oh, that's so funny. So, Beef jumps out of the darkness onto Chip's back and basically just starts nibbling on his earlobe in a way that's almost sensual, but is meant as an attack.

Take that. Take that. Take that. Take that. Take that. I know that these two are in love with you, and I don't know if you're trying to seduce me right now. No, I'm trying to hurt you beyond the grave. I'm going to take you there. That kind of tickles.

I'm getting awfully jealous. I'm going to attack Quad. What? Me? Yes. You used to love me, I think you said. Get off my boyfriend. You said I was your boyfriend. I barely remember that.

Me too! They don't even notice that I'm not there. How do I want to attack him? Revenge for when Chip almost killed me. What have I been wanting to do? Can I use Firebolt? You certainly can. Oh my god.

I don't really want to use a weapon. I use my long cigarette holder, and I flick it in his direction and create, like, a rain of fire onto him. Uh-oh. I'm going to roll. 19. Oh.

That hits. That hits. And then 2d10 damage. I can't believe I had zero. Just nibbling my little ears. Nine and six. Okay, 15 damage. Oh!

Whoa! Oh, things are getting spicy. Get off my thigh. He's on me! Get off me! I take thigh and I throw him off me. Whoa! Oh, my gosh.

Jennifer turns to do an aside to herself. That's still close enough for Seb to hear, though. They're picking each other off one by one. Fools! Then Jennifer will become in charge of Bottoms Up, as it was foretold by myself to me. Idiots. In his mind, Seb is screaming, and there's like just a single tear coming out of his eye.

That's so disturbing. Everyone, be reasonable. Be reasonable. I, the most kingly person here. Oh, for sure. I'm happy to take lead. We need to get this man out of his coma. Why? So that we can move forward. So I need more competition? Oh, for sure. They must be in a coma. Well, then how do I get into a coma? Perhaps suck in more of the smell. All right.

Chalice goes up to the soap and inhales. Oh, my God. As Chalice goes up to the soap, she notices that there's a little envelope that's addressed to Bottoms Up. Maybe it got, I don't know, kicked under the door at some point or just lost in the shuffle of things.

But it is an envelope that looks a little tattered that is addressed to Bottoms Up. Hmm. Interesting. Chalice grabs it and like hides it between her hands and sort of walks over to the corner to try to read it just her. Okay. Do we notice? Yeah. Can I roll to notice? Give me a...

Can I do a notice roll? Give me a stealth check, Chalice. Dirty 20. Damn it. Okay. That's going to beat all your little passive perceptions. Damn. So, Chalice, you're in the corner.

You've snuck away. And do you open the envelope? I do. Okay. There is a thin piece of parchment folded in half hamburger style and when you open it up it just says one sentence but each letter and each word that makes up the sentence has been taken from some other piece of parchment. And all it says is, I know your secret. And it's not addressed to anyone in particular other than Bottoms Up?

Just to Bottoms Up. Hmm. Thigh, only one I can trust, please meet me over here in the corner. I don't let him go. Well, I guess I threw him. But I go chase after him. I chase after him and I try to tackle him.

So Beef turns around and he tries to tackle him back. We're wrestling. We're wrestling. Okay. Pose strength checks to see who's winning this wrestling match. Oh, yeah. You're going to have to really roll a good one here, Beef. Damn it! I rolled a seven,

which is a six, because I have negative strength. I thought you were going to be because I rolled an eleven. Oh! Oh were going to be because I rolled an 11. Oh my God. This could have been my time. That would have been your time. So Beef is feral and really putting up

a decent wrestling match here. But we'll lead you get the better of them. We'll lead. Who? Who's that? That honestly is the most helpful. Get off of me, you witch!

No, if there's any new information, it is I that should learn it. You stink! You stink to high heavens. You actually stink, sir. No, you do do a little bit. Do I actually stink? Someone knows our secret. do a little bit. Do I actually stay?

Someone knows our secret. I'm not sure what secret it is that you two might not be helpful in this. Damn. Do I recognize what any of this

parchment is from? Can I see who's trying to bribe us? You would assume that it's someone who is a villain to you. That's probably all you could...

Hmm. Maybe Seb. But I don't know how you send letters from a coma. It's not me! Another tear. What's your secret? Perhaps it's just to you. Huh. What secret do you have

that you're keeping from us? I didn't think you would keep a lover from me, Pookie. No, I guess my secrets feel buried under so many layers because I thought my secret was loving you, thigh. And then before, it felt like it was wanting to have sex with you, quad.

And now I don't know what my secret could be, but I'm an open book. I don't have any secrets. Maybe it's your secret, quad. Slap, slap. It must be slap, slap. Does Beef still have an arrow in his leg? Yeah.

I've been thinking it out. Who? Can I do a history? Because I'm still aware of stuff around me. I'm in paralysis more than a coma. Yes, you are. That's so scary. Yeah, this is my nightmare.

It's like me when I take a nap. Can I do a history check to see if I know what the secret is that's being referred to? Is that possible I do like a history check to see if like I know what the secret is like that's being referred to? Is that possible? Give me a history check. Boing! 19. With a 19,

you have no idea what the secret would be for Bottoms Up as a whole, but you in your head can think of plenty of secrets for these individuals that you're like, oh, this is probably addressed to Chip because of this secret or Beef because of this secret. Well, yeah, the secret for Chip could be that he's afraid of the dark and he kind of has this whole thing where when the sun sets, he loses his mind for 30 minutes and that's why he goes to the bathroom around sunset every day. Beef eats ice cubes in his sleep, which is kind of terrifying.

Sounds like some sort of terrible, terrible beaver. And then Chalice. Chalice has not been eating gluten for six months. Don't tell. It must be this guy in a coma. He must have the secret. Okay. Quad runs over to him And starts shaking him Sir!

Sir, we need to know your secret Wake up Wake up, please I kiss him A true love's kiss I don't know I don't know Maybe I was true love

And you guys never told me Well, you only have two days to live. Why not throw all the spaghetti at the wall? I almost forgot that you were dying. I just only now remember. Save your kisses. The secret is mine and mine alone. Jennifer?

Jennifer. That's right. What's your secret? You all know me as Jennifer. Some of you have forgotten. But I'm Jennifer. Just some lowly rat. Clearly. But the truth is, I'm actually

a child of destiny made out of the elements themselves. I tried to run from my past. Tried to just live a simple life. Not one destined for someone that's really beautiful and powerful and destined

for great things. I chose this life just to live a little normal slice of life. I don't think this is about that. Wake up! Wake up! And I kiss him again. Move over, you fool. Maybe it needs me. Oh, you kiss him. Get in here. We do a three-way kiss.

And also maybe me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in here. Get in here. We do a three-way kiss. And also maybe me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in here. Get in here. Room for one more. We do a five-way kiss, Sean. What happens? Okay, with a five-way kiss,

all your lips perfectly touch at the same time. Yes, that's what a five-way kiss is. And Seb's still in a coma. You guys still don't have your memories. But as you're looking around to see if anything has changed, give me a perception check. 16. With a 16, you do see that the soap has an end.

It leads to a large pipe with a very loose, like, bolt on it. And soap is gurgling and bubbling out of it. Over there. Huh? Huh? Over there. What? What?

Where? Guys, right here. No, no, no. Over there. It won't get to you, but right now, right here. No, no, no. And Beef gets up, and he seems really trepidatious to leave the kissing circle. He really wants to stay there, but he glides over the soap to the bolt to show everybody. Quad notices that he's going to get there first and shoots him with another arrow.

My other leg. My other leg. Why? I want to be king. This is what you told us. First one there gets to be king. Oh, yeah. That's what you said, so I believe you.

I'm crawling towards the valve. You'll never be king. What damage did you give me? 21 to hit and 7 damage. Are you just going to die? I have 10 HP right now. Oh. There's an arrow through each of Thigh's thighs.

My thigh's thighs, and I'm crawling towards the bolt. Quad gets up and starts sprinting towards it. Chalice clickety clacks her heels over there as well. And Jennifer launches herself at it. And Seb is in a... In a wagon, though. We have him in a wagon. Yeah, but inside my mind,

just Moonlight Sonata is playing and... Beautiful. Yeah. But in a sad, melancholy way. Can we roll to see who gets there? Yeah. Everyone give me... Hmm. Whatever check you want to use. It could be athletics.

Could be acrobatics. Probably one of those. Whatever check? Can it be religion? I'm gonna do performance. No. If you can come up with a good reason for it being why you get there the quickest. I'll allow it. I am in a coma, but I used

an arcana check to use kind of latent magic to move my wagon over there. I rolled a 22. It's like a horror movie. What was that explanation? I used latent magic. Come on.

Keep up, you guys. Latent magic. From Gossip Girl. Duh. That's the actress's name. Her name's Leighton Meester. That's a stretch. But I like that.

That was magic. I used an athletics check. Okay. Do I need to explain it? No, that's kind of boring, though. It's my highest skill. Oh, wow. And I still only rolled a 13 of boring, though. It's my highest skill. Oh, boo, boo, boo, boo. And I still only rolled a 13.

Oh, nice. I'm going to do deception because I'm going to be pointing in different directions. Walk over there to try to throw them off. And it's not because it's my highest skill. Okay, okay. Did he buy it, guys? Yes. It looks like he's buying it.

Wild choice. He's getting his money out. That is the whole explanation, Sean. So now is when you say yes or no. Dirty 20. It's too late. I rolled 14 plus 6. Okay.

Oh, my God. I don't know how I can finesse this into performance or intimidation, so I want to do my acrobatics because that's my next highest. Fair. So. Two of these make sense so far. A little roll. Damn it.

Rolled a four plus five, nine. This is really bad. The two that makes the most sense are like the two lowest. Jennifer, using some of her scurrying skills, rolled an 11. So Seb gets there first? Mm-hmm. That's actually insane. Well, what happens now?

The wagon gets there first. Seb, you are unable to move or touch anything. And then Chalice deceives both Chip and Beef who are racing to get to where the bolt is not. Okay. At which point I will let you both re-roll to see if you can beat Chalice to the real one. Okay. Now, Chalice, it is a straight up race at this point.

It can only be athletics or acrobatics to get to it. It's a roll off. Oh, God. I'm nervous now. I'm just happy to hang out, you know. He's just there. He's there. Soap before any of us.

Soap is just dripping on my forehead. You're going more into a coma. 18. What did you use? Athletics? 17. I rolled a 15, and I'm going to do my acrobatics, so it's a 5. So it's a 20!

Wow! My kingship! My kingship! Now you are there. What are you going to do now that you are touching the bolt that is loose with a bunch of soap just eking out of it and oozing out of it. What do you do? Wow, you know, I was just caught up in getting here first, and I didn't even think about what I'm going to do next.

You deserve it. No. You deserve it. I've only known you for a short bit of time, but you are twice the king I could ever be. Oh. And I deserve to die in two days. It's as simple as that.

I would have made a horrible king. The inauguration barely would have happened. I probably would have just died super fast. Well, well, well, you two fell for it. Two? Fell? For it? What about me?

Coma? Coma? Coma? I lied. Seb lied. First of all, you're not going to become king if you get to the end of this. What? You're a security guard for this bar. What?

And you're a bard. You sing and dance like a clown. But I love you. And it's great. Also, your names are not quad no and not thigh no i can't i can't go on if my name's oh thank god i'm dying in two days oh do i know if that's real or not i don't that could be true i don't know oh it's not. Oh. I made it up. Oh, you? Okay. I know you like vulnerability. Have I endeared myself to you? Do you love me even more now?

Don't touch me, you wench. Nice. What are our names? I guess that's for me to know and for you to find out. Pee-pee and poo-poo. But you guys can't even hear it. I'm just laughing to myself in my head. That's a funny thing to do.

If we fix this and you guys come back, I'm going to miss. Actually, you guys were dicks to me both ways. Honestly, it's not too different for Jennifer. But probably the best that we fix this and try to get you back to square. What do you say, Quad? Should we go back to our old life? I don't know. I quite liked being Quad. And you made such an excellent

thigh. Thank you, Quad. You know what? When we get our memories back, I promise that you and I, our relationship will not change. We will both continue to fight to be king. How's that sound? That sounds like a true pal. A true man that I would want to go into battle with We do one of those like

Roman Roman style Wrist grabs Forearm grabs Forearm grabs And I'm an evil twin To whom? To whom?

Jennifer, of course Oh Can't you tell? Our outfits are matching That's how you know Oh You're the pretty one. Thank you. Wow, I am right here.

No, no, no. Well, I guess I'll squeeze this bolt as best I can, turn it to the right. Wait, wait. I'm going to miss this life. I'm going to miss this. No, actually, I'm not. You can twist that. Yeah, I'd rather know stuff.

Let's slap each other and throw water in each other's face for old time's sake. Yeah, why not? Slap, slap. Martini glass in the face. Gonna poke you in the eyes. Everyone is only doing it to Seb. Yeah, we're only doing it to Seb.

Do you guys all turn the bolt and stop the leak? Yes, with magic. If Jennifer needs help, sure? Yes, with magic. If Jennifer needs help, sure. Yes, she does. Pathetic.

And when you do, you hear the soap stop gurgling out, and the leak has stopped, but it is still smelling pretty fresh in there, pretty soapy, pretty clean. And no one's really remembering who they are, and Seb is not coming out of a coma. Can we, like, identify some mops and cleaning supplies in the closet? Oh, they're all over the place.

Excellent. We all grab one and start mopping up all this soapy little slop. Working together. Slopey slop? Soapy slop. The slopey slop. All the soapy slop. The slopey slop. All the soapy slop. We give one to Seb. We give him a mop and it's kind of funny because he keeps falling over.

We're trying to prop him up. It's kind of silly. Yeah. And we're whistling. And as soon as the last of the soap is dispersed or cleaned up, the door to the supply closet whips open. Light pours into the supply closet from the

regular bar area of bottoms up, and it hits you like a freight train that the supply closet is the size of a regular supply closet, and boy, you must have been on some sort of, I guess you could almost call it a psychedelic trip because you're all just fumbling over each other and a few mops in a very small supply closet. Uh-oh. These idiots can't even hear me. What'd you say?

Seb, what was that? Freaking tall one over here with the big ass grin looking at me all stupid like. Love you, dude. Wait, I love you. Oh, I love you. Oh, I love you. I know you. I know you too. I'm awake

and you can hear me? Yes. Oh my god, Seb, thank god you're okay. Oh my god and Chip, I'm so sorry. I'm bleeding bad. The f***, Beef, what the hell? Bleeding bad. Who shot me in the legs twice? I think that was me. That was you? Yeah, a couple times.

Ouchie, man. Whoa. Damn. Wow, a lot happened in there. And I actually gave my real backstory. That was crazy. No. Say what?

No. No one's buying it? No. Okay. Not buying it. You guys, we just discovered we have a staff bathroom. Oh, right. I think that may have been part of the hallucination. Nose goes. Not behind. You guys, we just discovered we have a staff bathroom. Oh, right. I think that may have been part of the hallucination.

Nose goes. Absolutely not me looking at what Dave puts in the bathroom. No way. No way. Oh, no. It's the wig wagon. No. No, not the wig wagon.

It was already acted up. Yeah. We're all up on the roof now drinking brewskis. Piss So babies don't go there I think there's no way to really know Hey man You'd be the king of my kingdom

Any day You'd be a great king You would king this kingdom way better than king himself Dude you would king the crap out of this castle man No no no no Hey guys You know what I was thinking Dude, you would king the crap out of this castle, man. No, no, no, no. Hey, guys. Me? You know what I was thinking?

It only took a little soap for me to fall in love with, like, all of you. Yeah. Kind of fun, right? Yeah. Kind of sweet. Hey, it doesn't take any soap for me to be in love with all Thriving. Aw, pee, pee, pee. Kiss.

Five-way kiss. Five-way kiss. Okay, he's losing a lot of blood. I'm going to the hospital. Actually, I feel good. This is kind of a cool little commercial break that we're having right now. Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

Who wants to sell something? Yeah, what are we selling? Mom, mom, I want an air hug. Air what? That's right. Air hugs coming. Air hug? Hugs? I want an air hug. Air what? That's right. Air hugs coming. Air hug? Hug?

I want an air hug. Don't touch me, but if you could give me a big hug, that'd be nice. Mom, everybody got an air hug. I want one. Don't touch me. You already had one. Air hug. Hey, Jenny, I was wondering if you wanted to go to prom with me.

No. What did I miss? Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Khalid Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle. Arnie Parrott wrote the theme song, Ben and I worked out the story concept, and Grace Hartford did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure.

From episodes like Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-world radio advice show or Elizabeth's diary entries where Aaron and Elizabeth do a deep dive into Elizabeth's real teen diary or slow Tuesdays where you get a sneak peek behind the curtain to see what the Bottoms Up gang is up to when there's no big adventure afoot. The support from our patrons is what makes this show possible. It's how we pay for editors, equipment, and all the expenses that go into creating the show that we love. Patrons like Bad Wolf, Bagwag, Bailey, BalsamicPanda32, Bamoon, BappersonBen, Bar Inspector OB to the R, and many more. So hop on now for five buckaroonies and get access to over a hundred hours of content instantly. And for those of you who are already subscribed to our Patreon, shout out to the kitchen rats,

this week's episode is The Crapper Family Forum, where Leigh and I play two members of the crapper family that use their podcast as an audio newsletter to keep the rest of the crappers up to date on what's crappin' it. You can check it out at patreon.com slash sitcom D&D and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang, you can follow the show on Instagram at sitcom D&D. That's sitcom and the letters D and D. Okay, I think that's it for now.

Until next Tuesday. Thanks, as always, you're listening. That was a HeadGum Podcast.