SitcomD&D - S5 E9: The Bert Zandsabees

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

Chip and Chalice have decided they are finally ready to knock boots. But when a new law is passed preventing them from being able to do so, they're forced to try and pass a sex ed class in order to get intimate. Starring: Erin Keif, Waleed Mansour, Elizabeth Andrews, Sean Coyle, and Ben BriggsTheme Song by: Arne ParrottArtwork by: Waleed MansourStory Concept by: Erin Keif & Sean CoyleEdited by: Sean MeagherThis episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/SITCOMDND and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And then in parentheses, she said, probably still going to jail. So you're off the hook. TurboTax that I do gives you like, they're like, it's going to take you an hour and a half. Took me four and a half hours. What's going on? Took me 58 minutes. I used the TurboTax. It's a 15-year lead. You're texting the wrong person, Elizabeth.

Why are you texting me now? We have two incomes and a kid we got to deal with. And a house. Abe did their taxes. I also realized this year, have you heard of the child tax credit? It's straight up just like $2,000 cash, basically. So it's like my return was X amount and then plus $2,000. Oh, wow.

Wow. Which is pretty wild. We've got to start a baby factory. That's what I'm talking about. I'm coming over to your house next year, Waleed. I'm buying you a really nice suit or whatever you want. You want me to impregnate you? Is that what this is?

Is that what you're... You want a $2,000 baby, Elizabeth? She wants you to do her taxes, you pervert. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pervert? I can have sex with anybody, but you're the guy that can do my taxes. Welcome back to Sitcom D&D, a real play Dungeons.

Are you yawning during my intro, Willie? Boring. One in every three intros. One in every three intros. I don't know how to get back into it without doing the whole thing. Welcome back to SICCOM D&D, a real play Dungeons & Dragons podcast recorded in front of a fake. He's a huge yawn, studio audience. Unbelievable.

Y'all, today, we're picking up at Bottoms Up. And just so you don't yawn, it's not a typical day at Bottoms Up. Today is actually Chip and Chalice's six month anniversary. A huge milestone. And to ring in that milestone, it has kind of gotten around the entire bar somehow, much to the dismay of Chip and Chalice, that they might be planning on knocking boots for the first time tonight.

Maybe not the most delicate way of putting it either, but that's what's going around the rumor mill, and that is the talk of the kitchen amongst the kitchen rats as well so the place is a buzz so we're gonna pick up there at bottoms up so quiet on set sounds speeding nope dice dice Dice. Dice. Ah, dice. What's going on? When you need a break from this crazy world to see your friends and fill a cup, find Sebastian, Chalice, Chip, and Pete at the Noble Bottoms Up.

As step by step our growing pains are improving home and away, we're feeling absolutely fabulous on another happy day. We're in different worlds with different strokes, but good times will not end. So cheers to all our family and our friends. ass. Elizabeth Andrews as Beef. The Lead Mansour as Chip Ahoy. Ben Briggs as Sebastian Von Hugh Grant. And Sean Coyle

as everything else. Sitcom D&D is filmed in front of a fake studio audience. Beef, Beef, Beef, do you have a wooden spoon? Yes, yes Chip. Oh my god, and you look great today. Look at you. Okay, just give it to me.

Give it to me. Sorry, I have to go. Okay, here's from my pocket. Okay, bye. Wow. Whoa, he's running fast. Oh, my God, and his hair is slicked all the way back. What's going on?

Seb, I'm not joking. I'm not exaggerating. I saw Chip doing his hair for at least two hours this morning in the mirror. And every time he did it, he hated it. He hated it. Oh, my God. Have you got eyes on Chalice? No.

Seb! What? You don't have eyes on Chalice? Chalice appears at the top of the stairs, and she is so overly shaved and moisturized that she immediately slips and falls. Oh my God, that salamander. Is it okay? She slips and slides all over the bar for a while. We get a net out and we throw it over.

Stop my momentum. Stop my momentum, please. We got you we got you we got you we throw the net oh what the hell is happening everybody's losing their goddamn mind i'm about to i'm about to lock down all right do i smell okay seb beef smell me smell me oh yeah too much you took away all of the smell. She smells like nothing now. What are you doing? Do either of you have a wooden spoon? Wait, you need a wooden spoon too? Yes, two.

Oh my God, is he doing the wooden spoon? Oh my God. Okay, I have to go. Charlie goes up the stairs. Careful, careful, careful. Seb, come here. What's up? What's up? I know what's happening. I slap him across the face. I said I know what's happening. What slap him across the face. I said I know what's happening. What is it?

Get it together, man. Tonight is the night. That... You don't even know. Oh, my God. We all learn... They're going to have sex. That's about how they will engage in intercourse.

Yes, yes. That's what I was. You had no idea? You had no idea? It's been going on for weeks. They have been playing foreplay for weeks. The night is the night. I thought they just had a head wound or something with the baby voices and kind of touching of arms and the pregnant pauses.

Nope. You know, Chip has been on a high dial. He's been fixing everything around the bar. He's been lifting things to let Chalice just walk. Did you see the table he lifted up? You know, I have noticed that things are much nicer around here. I wish that he was getting ready to have sex more often because it has never been cleaner in this place. Hey, guys.

Normal day, normal day, normal day. To you too, madame. I just was wondering, I'm feeling a little... And I was wondering if I could take off a little early today. I know there's probably some rumors. I heard the kitchen rats sort of started spreading some rumors about today and tonight, but everything's normal. Everything's good.

Everyone's not nervous. Okay, good. Hey, guys. I was wondering if... Oh, oh, Chels. Oh, my gosh. Okay, close my eyes. about today and tonight but everything's normal everything's good everyone's not nervous okay good hey guys i was wondering if oh oh chelsea oh my gosh okay uh close my eyes sorry not supposed to see you today i don't know close my eyes okay um hi chip uh or beef oh my god uh beef and seb um can i have the day off i'm'm feeling sick. Don't look at me. I'm not. Oh God, if they're both sick, they shouldn't do it. That's gross.

Yeah. Jennifer. That's how you get super bugs. She's right, you guys. No one is sick. No one is sick. I'm sick. I'm very sick.

You just said they were freaking sick. Yeah, I have to go to bed. You can't trust your friends. Who can you trust? Except for the love of God. Let them have the day off. Also, Beef, do you have another wooden spoon? Yeah, here you go, buddy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Now I can't make a salad because I have no way of serving it. If we give away all my big spoons. Knock, knock, knock. Oh, God, no. Not today. Not today. Hey, everybody, knock. Oh, God. No, not today. Not today.

Hey, everybody. John the Crier here. I just couldn't recognize his voice, so I wasn't disappointed. He's wearing a hockey mask. You recognize me. That's nice. That's nice. We're starting to have a relationship.

No, no, no, no. Don't tell me your mom's name. Hey, Chow, should we just go upstairs before we get roped into something? Yeah, let's go. But it's really hard for me to get up the stairs. Run! Run, Chalice! We're trying! I'm slipping! Beef has a broom that he's trying to, like,

poke at John the Crier. Get out! Scat! Scat! Stop! That hurts! Beef! Chip and Chalice are running up the stairs, but they keep just sliding all the way back down over and over. Because Chip, his eyes are closed and Chalice is super slippery. Come on, run. If you stop screaming and slipping for two seconds, I can get through it.

Say your piece and then leave. No two parties or any parties can engage in sexual activity unless they are married or it abides by the new French guidelines. Okay. Good to see you guys. As he walks away, Beef's eyes squint.

He's like, I'm going to kill that man one day. What did he just say? Boning no working. Don't. Come on. Seb, we talked about your bedside manner and how you don't deliver news delicately,

and this is a good example of that. Okay, okay. Can you give me one other example of a time that I've flubbed up when it comes to my bedside manner? I am so sorry I bit you. I don't even know why I did that. Yeah, no, we're all out of stew. Oh my gosh, that baby is hairy.

Anyways, no, we are still all out of stew. I'm so sorry for your loss. Anyways, we're all out of stew. I think I proved my point. So boning no worky? Guys, come sit at the bar. Old Beefy's going to serve you some piss. Let's take a drink.

Hey, Beef, Beef, I can't sit right now. Well, just stand, my man. Where are the spoons? Stop asking questions you don't want the answers to, Seb. Tell us what is going on. Sit down right now. I don't know why you guys are making such a big deal out of it anyways. You were never going to do it.

You're always just waiting and waiting for everything to be so perfect. It's like you're going to do it today anyways. We were, Jennifer. It is perfect perfect it was perfect you would have found something that wasn't perfect that wasn't right and you would have just kicked it down the road because my hair looks bad what's wrong with my hair i'll cut it off okay let's all just calm down what did he say exactly we can't do it something about being married or about pat like be married or pass the guidelines

so when you guys pick up um the law that john the crier left behind when you read it you see that um you have to either have to be married to partake in sexual activities or follow the french guidelines um and it looks like most of them are like health guidelines put into place by the town where you would have to pass what looks to be a sex education class oh oh oh hey guys look it says here on the fine print uh not all hope is lost we could take this class we could enroll in this class and maybe we could you know you guys can do it a couple days from now or no no it has to be today it has to be today okay yes maybe it's a day one day course

yeah maybe it's easy peasy if you guys are really in a rush to do it you could just go to Brad's pit I mean Brad's pit is so low none of the magic from these laws affects it I mean Chip isn't that where your acapella group practices I got kicked out of the acapella group.

Oh, Chip. I knew the man was going to be a little stinker. I think it's so funny to get kicked out of acapella. Jennifer, it is funny, but it's also mean. But you could always go there. They could go to the pit and have sex. I'm not going to Brad's pit to have sex i'm not going to brad's pit to have sex for the first time with a guy that i am in love with i don't think there are rooms

in brad's pit it's just a room okay a room there's other people around i don't that's not perfect we're doing this class do the class we'll We'll do the class. Okay. Okay. Oh, it looks like it's in town. It's just a short walk away. Let's all pack up our knapsacks for the day. You might get hungry halfway through the class. Okay. You and Seth should come because you guys have- Oh, I'm coming.

Yeah. You have sex outside of marriage like all the time. You got to come so you can cum, right, Pete? Absolutely. And they do some kind of high fives. Wait, let's see what happens if you try to have sex. Beef. What?

Hump my leg like a dog. Easy. Beef starts to hump Chalice's leg, and a figure made entirely of smoke grabs Beef. By the... By the... Nape of his neck, like a dog. And takes him to the stocks and locks him in the stocks.

Beef's hanging out with all of the other people that he made sing Happy Birthday and they all got sucked into the stocks. Hey. Hey. Hey, guys. You guys have been here for a while now, haven't you? Sorry about that. Yeah, but it's for other stuff at this point.

Honestly, I just love singing and I haven't got accredited, so it's been kind of a tough stretch of time for me. This sucks. Bugs. Chip runs out, and can we try and break? Is it stocks that are set there, or can Beef get up and walk around? Beef can get up and walk around.

Yay. I'm going to go to the address then. I'll meet them there. Okay. So you're just in stocks. Yeah, yeah. I got somewhere to be, losers. And then I get up and I stock out. So you're in a wooden, you're in in stock. Yeah, yeah. I got somewhere to be, losers. And then I get up and I stock out.

So you're in a wooden, you're in a stock. Yeah. Going to class. I love it. Beeps go into a sex ed class in a stock. I love this show. Sitcom D&D is sponsored by BetterHelp. And with that said, I've got a question for you.

What's the right amount, the perfect amount of socializing for you? And how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need a little alone time. Therapy can give you self-awareness to build a social life that doesn't drain your battery. I think before I started going to therapy, I thought it was some sort of situation where I would present a problem and it would get solved immediately by a stranger. And I doubted the efficacy of that. But that's not really what therapy is, at least in my experience. It's more about slowly building a relationship with a professional that you trust so that you can be honest and vulnerable and talk these things through and get a new perspective. Thank you. anytime for no additional charge. So find your social sweet spot with BetterHelp.

Visit betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash sitcom D&D. And we're actually going to cut to the classroom. It's a simple school house that you go to um and there are some posters along the walls that portray the anatomy of different humanoids and magical creatures and the reproductive systems and there are long benches um for students to take a seat at and when you get to the classroom, you're all there now.

You actually are the entire class, is the five of you. Jennifer, Chalice, Chip, Beef, and Seb. Dang, nobody else wants to doink in this town? I guess not. Your teacher walks in and writes their name on the board with chalk. Hello, my name is Mr. Bert.

Zanzibiz. But you can call Mr. Bert Zanzibiz, but you can call me Mr. Zanzibiz. How do you spell your name, Mr. Zanzibiz? He just wrote it on the board. Mr. Zanzibiz. Dallas is sitting behind Chip, so he can't look at her. Hey, Mr. Zanzibiz? Yeah? I can't

sit down. Is that okay of course um you don't have to sit um there's not crazy rules in this class i'm hoping everybody passes everybody understand what's going on so they can have beautiful relations with each other or whoever they want wow that's really nice. Mr. Zanzibar, are you going to be teaching us about the art of making love? I am, in fact, to do that. Beef tries to open up his notebook, but he's having a hard time. Because he's in shock.

Yeah. Can someone help him with his notebook, please? I'll take notes for both of us, Beefy. Thanks, Jelly. Okay, so hopefully everybody already did all the studying up, all the reading, because you can only take this test one time. And this is it. And here we go.

Time to start asking the questions. And then we'll move into practical. What? Oh, practical. Mr. Zanzibar, we never got any reading. We just showed- Zanzibies. Yes, Mr. Bees.

Zanzibies. Zanzibies. Mr. Zanzibies, what Beef is trying to say is that we didn't get any reading. This class is just a test that we have to pass on the first time. That's right. That's not a class. That's a test. That's a test.

You're just as bad at giving news as Seb is. Okay, so I guess we'll just go into it. And you guys are all opted in to take it as a group. So it's kind of like a pass fail for the group here. Well, that's not fair. I think I would have done quite well. Seb's an absolute sex machine. Is it five times as hard if we take it as a group?

Or is it just as equally as difficult? I think we'll find out. Okay, everybody. First question. Guys, this is a test about sex. We got it. We all made to a sexy pose. Which looks like the money dance, but if it was

frozen. I can see it now. Please describe for me the process in which goblins reproduce. Oh, easy. Yeah, so they melt down a bunch of candles. They kind of make a pool or a vat, whichever is kind of like around them. And then, yeah, they kind of put their hands in it. And then the other one puts their hand in it.

And then, yeah, then they get busy. Okay, so here are the mechanics for this. If it's just an open-ended question like that. After I try. And I love that because I want you to improvise an answer. A beautiful giant leap. Seb, I think it's multiple choice. Oh, thank God, because I was just talking about wax.

Here's what we're going to do. We're going to have you, if it's an open-ended question like that, we're going to have you roll a history check. Okay? And if it's above a 10, it's true. Oh, fun. And if it's not, you got it wrong.

Okay. Wonderful. So, Seb, why don't you give me a history check? All right. Come on, Seb. 19 plus 2, 21. Yay! That is correct.

That's how they're going to produce. It's sticky. It's nasty. It's awesome. Dip their hands in wax? Seb, how did you know that? I'd try anything once. I figured they just did sex.

I knew that because I've seen it. They're very public. They're very open. And it's beautiful. Oh, knew that because I've seen it. They're very public, they're very open, and it's beautiful. Oh, that's what I've been seeing. Okay. Question number two. What sound does a centaur make when they're orgasming? Chalice, you've got to know this one.

All the centaurs at the castle. I know. I mean, I also had a fling with a centaur once. You what? It doesn't matter. Oh, please tell. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like, that's what we're going to need.

And you think you got that into orgasm, Chalice? I know for a fact I did. I hope it's right. I hope it's not. I forgot that it can be wrong. I'm so sad and scared what am i doing i'm immediately crying okay this is what they all do when they come um okay this rules rules. 13. 13. Oh my God.

That is correct. You're all flying with colors. Question number three, moving right along. What sound does a bully log make when they are faking an orgasm? Oh!

Chip? No, I have no clue what sound they make. Chip. Come on, Chip, you know. Why would I know? Chip, just tell him. Guys, why would I know this? Why would I know this? We've shared a room for a better part of a decade, alright? So, you know. We know who's coming in and out of there, man. Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck yuck yuck yum exactly there it is give me a history check give me with advantage

why would i have advantage on this sean you know a 15 there you go correct it was a guess it was a guess. It was a guess. It boils, I guess. No. No, hon. No. It was a guess. I wouldn't really know.

Okay. Another more open-ended question. No pun intended. What does sex feel like? Beef? go ahead. Beef started looking out the window. It's heavy. He touched the glass.

With my arms spread apart from the stops. It's like eating the first bite of a sandwich and the last bite of a sandwich. Like when you come home and your mom's there. It's not sexual. chalice it's warm it's like a hug it's like a hug that never ends it's beauty it's the sky it's the sun you know i'm gonna let you roll performance on that, actually. Oh, yay! Okay, because I have negative history. Oh, I got a nat 20. Yeah! What a fun one to get a nat 20 on.

Ooh, plus 10, so it was a 30. Can we say as Beef was delivering that, a butterfly just kind of landed on his head? Yeah. And he tried to shoo it away, but he can't reach it. Everyone's crying. They're so moved by that Yeah We're going to take

A quick two minute break So Mr. Zanzibiz Can change And I'll be right back What happened To Mr. Zanzibiz Until why Does he come

Why Why does he need to change Ew Beef good job Thank you Thanks man Thanks I think it was all of us Collectively that made him Probably have to change No Ew. Beef, good job. Thank you. Thanks, man. Thanks.

I think it was all of us collectively that made him probably have to change. No, that was all you, buddy. Nah, dude. You hit the spot. You really shucks. You hit the spot. Shucks. Thanks, guys. He comes back wearing the same outfit, but just PE shorts now.

Okay. I think I know where this is going. No, just next question. We are really doing a great job group, so thumbs up for everybody. Name the four tenets of practicing safe sex. Easy. Boinging, bonging, and keeping it wrapped.

Saying, and too early, there's four. Okay, it's boinging, bonging, and then there's a third one, and then it's keeping it wrapped. It's in and too early, there's four. Okay, it's boinging, bonging, and then there's a third one, and then it's keeping it wrapped. Shit. What is it? You guys, what is it? Now that he skipped it,

now I feel like I don't know it anymore. Use napkins. Is it just don't have sex? Towels. No, no, no, no. Boinging. Boinging. Bully.

Have some fun, and you keep it wrapped. Remember the rhyme they teach you when you're like, don't you bully, have some fun. Don't you bully. No, that's the bullying rap that they taught us. Oh, geez. Okay. Appreciate.

Oh. Appreciate. Boinking, bonging, appreciate and wrap it up. Wrap it up. I don't think that's what I like. I'm signing off on that one. Okay. It's got to be boinking,

bonging, appreciate. One of you roll a D4. Roll a D4. If it's over 10. Roll a D4. And that's how many of the four you got right. So three out of four.

Three out of four. Okay. So you guys didn't get the third one. Was it not appreciate? It's abstain. That's what I said. Sorry, Chip. We should have listened to you.

It's one of these classes. No, it's okay. It was a guess again. Okay. We got another one here. You guys are doing great though, but you can't get too many more wrong, or you don't get to do it. No, no, no, no, no. Why do you look so joyful about that?

You were so happy. I'm always happy. I'm happy if you do it, happy if you don't. Okay, question is, when should you have sex? 2005. 2005. 2005. Yeah,

2005 feels really right. I mean, the answer could be if you're married or past this class. Yes. Let's answer that. Yes. I touched my nose. Okay, no need to roll. That is correct. We're high-fiving each other.

Yeah. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Okay, back to number one. What are the four deadliest magical STDs? All of mine have allowed me to keep living, so it's none of the ones I've had. Which ones do you have? Four deadliest STDs.

Love. Am I right? Am I right? Am I right? Just a little joke from me. I know, I'm really fucking funny. Anybody want to admit to... Salad mask.

Okay, salad mask is one that we're writing down as a possible answer. Prickly penis. Okay, solid mask, prickly penis. Squirt turt. Squirt turt. One more guess. The laundry. The laundry.

Oh, maybe most dreaded of all. Okay. Roll a D4. Yeah, one of you, roll a D4. Four. Wow. of all okay roll a d4 yeah one of you roll a d4 four wow those are all correct salad face squirt turd salad mask salad mask yeah well i've been colloquially known as different things but yes um squirt turd laundry laundry, a forgetting one. We ruined everyone's lunch. Who's listening?

You're welcome. Prickly penis. Prickly penis. Okay. Rocket round for one question. Super fast. How long does sex typically last? If you're good all night.

Hey. Oh my God. Yeah. But like 15 minutes. Probably, do you say 50 minutes or 15 minutes chip i said 15 minutes i have stuff to do oh dude chip average average average not the first so shorter and than that too sometimes well it's for some people the first time is shorter and for some people that are experienced, maybe the first time lasts longer because you're trying to prove something. I don't know.

That made me even more excited for you later. I don't know what you expect. We are going to say 20 minutes. Okay. Final answer. Give me a history check. 11. Oh, thank God. Okay. Final answer. Give me a history check. 11. Oh, thank God.

Okay. So this is one of those where the textbook and Mr. Zanzibar don't necessarily agree, but you're correct. What do you think, Mr. Zanzibar? Do you think longer or shorter? Yeah, 30 seconds, 45 seconds. 45 to 55 seconds. Second time.

The second time you've had sex or the second time in a row? Second time in a row. First time, 30 seconds. Second time right after, four to five to 50 seconds. He's wearing a wedding ring. I'm not going to question it. Someone's happy with this.

He's teaching this course. I mean, he knows what he's doing. Okay. Hold on to your cowboy hats. Describe the six best sex positions. Oh. Beef. Yeah.

The flying Dutchman. The coiled up dragon. Of course. The beets are red. The ladder is the penis. That's the fruit. Yeah, one more Oh and the Paul F. Tompkins

Beef what is the Paul F. Tompkins It's real messy It's my favorite It's Chalice's favorite I'll show you later Well this sucks I got a two I don't know if any of those were real I never heard of any single one of those I'll show you later. I'll show you later, man. Well, this sucks. I got a two.

I don't know if any of those were real. I've never heard of any single one of those. Okay, well, hey, you should come hang out at the pig farm. Hang out at the pig farm and you'll... Okay, I felt bad because I didn't know any of those. I've heard of all of those. They're just really painful. But you do like the Paul Hopkins? Oh, yeah.

Beef and I dated for three months. You guys had sex? Anyways. Awkward. What do you? Anyways. Awkward. What do you mean anyways? Awkward. Okay, this one's for the fellas. Yeah.

Hey. Explain the female menstruation cycle. Oh, God. An impossible question. Pass. No, boys, God. An impossible question. Pass. Pass. No, boys, boys. That's so funny. We've got this.

Okay, okay. Let's all take a part. There once was a womb. There once was a womb awoken by the moon goddess. And that goddess's name was Room. Is it supposed to rhyme? No. No, I don't think it has to.

It's supposed to be science. Okay. One of you give me a history check on that. Can they roll with disadvantage? Yeah, roll with disadvantage on that. Okay. With disadvantage, I rolled a 10. Ooh, Ty goes to the wrong answer.

No! Well, that feels right. Yeah, 100%. And this one's for the ladies. Yeah! Explain the plot of Interstellar. Explain the plot of Interstellar. No, I mean, if you really like Nirvana, name five of their songs. No, wait.

I'm sorry. Chalice's eyes are narrowing. Oh, my God, Chalice, you're getting all the easy ones. Explain the changes a boy undergoes after hitting puberty. Well, he wakes up. His voice starts to crack a little. He smells a lot worse. And that's sort of the whole thing.

That's right on. That's a hundred percent. And then the next four years are all about proving that he can grow a mustache to his friend. All right. Give me a history check. And that's going to be a nat 20. Oh, mama. That is exactly correct. I don't still stink, do I?

No, it's good stink. Oh, it's good stink. Thank God. I figured. Okay, next question. If done correctly, what does sex smell like? Like heaven. First bite of a sandwich and. First bite of a sandwich

and the last bite of a sandwich. Same thing. You said last time. Freshly cut grass, I think is my answer. That's me though. That might just be me. Yeah, Professor Zant's

would be weapons if it's just different because all of our bodies are just different. Hey, don't have to roll. That's exactly right, man. Good job. Whoa.

Cool. Mine smells like fierce by Abercrombie and Fitch. Oh, that's going to mix perfectly with grass. This is a good one to challenge your brain. What are the four recommended ways to get each other off without having intercourse? Lifting up a very heavy table, watching someone

perform, not sexually. Hula hoop tricks. And porky pig impressions. Give me a D4 roll. I got a four. Oh, baby. Good stuff, you guys.

I'm very impressed with this class. You clearly did the readings. Yeah, man. Oh, man. We're really knocking this out of the park. Who other people have come in here and just absolutely failed? Well, not so many people. Everyone was taking time to actually study, I think,

before taking their one shot in the class. That makes sense. We're the four or five biggest sex experts in the town. That makes sense. Amen. Well, then you should definitely know what the three tenets of healthy masturbation are. Moisturize.

Shame. Shame. Pass. And pass. Moisturize, shame, and pass. Give me a history, Jake. Dirty 20, 14 plus 6. Yes, that's exactly right.

What? Moisturize. Oh, yeah. Feel shame about it, but don't do it. Oh, one of the tenets is just to pass on master braids? Yes, don't do it. That's pretty lucky. Okay.

I don't know if I support that. What happens if you're addicted to it and you can't stop doing it? You stay after class. We'll talk about it. It's okay. Honestly, beef, those stocks might help. If I know my beef, he'll find a way. Okay, now we'll see how your brain develops and makes these kinds of decisions. So with you four here, do a fuck, marry, kill for the other three.

Oh. Oh. Okay. Okay, guys. No one take anything personal. We have to pass this class. This is for the greater good of having sex. So, you know, if you get picked to die or, you know, or if you get only die, you know, it's okay.

It's oh. But you do have to give the right answer. Right. So it has to be honest. I'll go first. I'll go first. Obviously, Mary, Seb, obviously. Obviously.

No, I think that's. We're going to. Okay. Oh, my God. I have to start over. Okay. Hold on. Obviously, Mary, Seb? No, I think that's weird. We're going to f***. Okay. Oh, my God. I have to start over. Okay, hold on. Obviously, marry Seb. Yes, of course.

What? What are you talking about? Okay, no, no. All right. Marry Beef. F*** Seb. Of course. What is going on?

I keep getting to the end here, and it's scary. Okay. Start with me. Well. All right. Kill Chip. No. here and it's scary okay start with me well all right kill chip hold on hold on hold on okay how about we'll come back to you yeah come back to me chalice is fully sweating okay um i would uh marry chalice uh sex with seb and uh of course oh oh Wait no no no I would Definitely marry Seb

Definitely have sex with Chalice and then I gotta cut my hair off it's my hair I gotta cut my hair off Chip takes scissors out of his pocket And starts bringing them up to his hair Chip Chip no no no It's not the hair It's not the hair

What are you Then what is it to his hair chip chip no no no no no it's not the hair it's not the hair it's not the hair what are you then what is it it's every it's everything i would like to marry and have sex with chip and i will kill the other two no that's a lie no i just didn't want to come on too strong i didn't want to come on too strong that's how i actually feel ask him ask him ask him what if him what? If he knows the truth, that's my truth. Oh, no, this is just an exercise to make sure you're all thinking about this critically. What? Are you fucking kidding me? I can't believe you would kill me, Chalice.

Are you kidding me? Oh, fuck this. Yeah, see, these are big decisions. There's a lot of emotions at stake. I think I really understand the responsibility of sex now. And I think I really understand my place within this group. Chip, I told you the truth at the

end. I wanted to do both with you. And we said we weren't going to take any of this personally, Chip. What's the next question, sir? Well, the next question's actually a practical exam is the next part. Wait, are we going to have to have sex right now? Yeah, wait a minute.

So what we're going to do is we're all going to put condoms on penises. Feel under your chair for a penis. That is a penis. Oh, like the fruit? Oh, God. Yeah, there's a penis fruit, which is a fruit in this world. Now you're going to put the protection onto the penis. Okay? You have

six seconds to do so and your time starts now. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Why are you pulling my hair? Ow, ow, ow. Everybody give me a dexterity check. 16.

I rolled a 15. I did a 10. 18 plus five. Okay, I'm going to walk around and expect your condom penises. Okay, beef, excellent work. Chalice, very nice. Chip, good. Oh, thank you.

Seb, I hope you're ready to become a father are you my son no it's like you did a bad job that was incredibly misleading oh sorry I was trying to make a point saying you cannot have sex like this or you have a baby

okay yeah no that's fair that's fair yeah Seb used to have would have had two kids but Can I have sex like this or you have a baby? Okay. Yeah. No, that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. Seb used to have, would have had two kids, but he didn't, his, you remember when you met JR and she had kids and they weren't yours? Why are we doing this right now? Yeah, you remember. Oh my God.

I mean, but beef, the likelihood that they would have had two kids, they only had sex like two or three times, I think. That's true. Which is normal for a married couple that's been together for six years. Maybe that have been together for 48 hours. Sure. Wow. My eyes are open, you guys.

All right. This is. Let's keep going. I need to think about something else. Speaking of keeping going, half of sex, as we know, is chemistry. The other half is endurance. And so we're going to be doing the sex pacer test. When you hear the beep, you run to the other side of the classroom and you do one hip thrust and then hear another beep. And then you're on the other side and do a hip thrust. And hear another beep and then you're on the other side

and do a hip thrust and you got to see you got to get over a certain amount here okay easy easy guys we're all toned and fit and we got so much stamina okay let's get it going we're going to start the sexual Pacer now and here comes the first Beep and go Beep Am I the only one doing this? Oh did you say go Beep or go beep? Beep go beep Oh okay okay okay

Come on guys Give me a constitution check since People didn't get off to a good start if you're not Beef roll with disadvantage And do a constitution check since people didn't get off to a good start. If you're not beef, roll with disadvantage and do a constitution check. 14 with disadvantage. Oh, no. I got a five. 13.

Okay, Chalice, you have not made it to the other side before the first beep goes off. Oh, no. I thought you said go beef. No. Sir, please. It's okay. You can make up for it in the next part, potentially. Oh, no.

What if I can't have sex? The gang's looking at her with just the saddest eyes. Like, oh, no. Oh, my God. Don't worry, Chalice. I'll make up for it with my endurance. Does it hip thrust? Okay.

Don't do any extra hip thrusts that you don't need to be doing. I can do as many as I want to. No. You're to. No. You're back. Okay, you hear another beep, so it's time to run back. So give me another constitution check. Oh, five. 11.

Oh, no. Natural 20. Chip exhausted himself with those hip thrusts. Chip, no. I can still do it. No, Chip. He's crying. We're the ones who had to. He can still do it. No, Chip. He's crying. We're the ones who had to.

He's crawl humping. We're the ones who had to pass the most today. Chip. I can do it. Get out of the way of everybody. You've been disqualified. You have to get out. I can't move.

Give me another constitution check for Beef and Sab. 14. Nice. I have four. Okay, Sab doesn't make it in time. Oh, my back! No! Sab, no!

Sab! It comes down to Beef. All right, well, one of you needs to get past four, and this is the fourth one coming up, so... I'm going to do this for the bugs and beef as you sprint across give me a constitution check to see if your endurance

holds up 14 14 you hear the beep and when you hear it you're already across the line Chalice is really sad. She's happy for Beef, but she's really sad. I wanted today to be

perfect, and I didn't even get across for one of them. And I wanted it to be perfect. Beef's thrusting happily, and then he sees Chalice crying, and he slowly stops humping there, and he gets quiet. Hey, Mr. Zanzibese yes

what happens if you just have such a strong love for the other person you don't have to be in love to have sex but being in love with someone when you have sex can make it so powerful blow your brain

cause I got two friends in here that want to blow each other's brains out in sex ways that's why they're taking the class yeah but i'm just thinking you should just pass them because of how much they love each other hey beef let me take a knee and look you in the eyes all right i'll take a knee too a little wobbly look like someone who maybe doesn't really jive with rules judging by you being in stocks currently but rules are in place for good reason for good purpose okay and let's just say this if they were ready then they would pass and you would all pass so let's just go with that for now okay pet pet okay final practical exam everybody ready how we're feeling good Hey, man, wake up. No, it's over. It's over.

It's over. It's over. Hey, guys. I think we should do our best to pass, but if we don't, then we're going to find another way. I want you two to do it so bad. It has to be perfect when we do it, though. It will be because it's just with you two, you know? It'll be perfect because it's with the person you want to be with.

But what if the moon isn't a waning crescent? That's okay. What if it's not a waning crescent or we don't have enough wooden spoons? That's okay. You have enough, all right? I can't even toss a salad tonight, all right? I can. I don't know.

Ew, challenge. That was good. I don't know. Be careful of salad mask, though. I don't know. Sir, what's the last practical exam? Well, in order to be ready to have sex, you have to fully comprehend what the results of sex

can be. And the results of sex can be having a baby. And so you need to witness a birth, a live birth. What? Yeah. So come on in. Oh, you're wheeling someone in. Whoa, what? You're wheeling someone in. In a wheelbarrow?

Is that okay? And you see a humanoid seahorse man who is currently in labor has gotten wheeled into the room. Oh my god. Oh my god. Fucking

healthcare system is such bullshit. Only way I could afford it is to do this through this class. Good for you. We're here for you, man. This is beautiful. Yeah, now why don't you all help him? Okay, I want to gather around. Like help give birth?

Yeah, we're the only ones here to help, so. God. Oh, I totally am. Okay. I got the ice. Holy shit. Oh, God. I got the towels.

I got the towels I got the towels Okay, keep him calm And help him breathe Who can help him breathe? Can I catch it? You can be the catcher, okay, very good Who's gonna keep him calm, help him breathe? Chalice and I, Chalice

Yeah, yeah, I can help Okay, well can someone Can someone talk to me because I'm not feeling calm and I'm not breathing. You got this. Hey, buddy, breathe like me. That's not good. Don't do that. No, no, no.

I'm getting lightheaded. Oh, no, beep. You're up. Pass. Have you ever met a princess? No. I was a princess? No. I was a princess. Isn't that interesting?

I don't care. Hey, listen, guy. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Nice and slow. It looks like a contraction's coming, so you're going to push on the contraction, all right? Okay, okay. Ready?

Push! Give me a persuasion check. You yell push, and that's persuasion. 13. He's pushing, but he's still holding back. He's scared. I'm trying! Hey, listen, man.

The only way we get out of this is if that baby comes out of you, okay? I don't even care about this class right now. All I care about is delivering this baby and making sure it's healthy. I can tell you're a beautiful man and this is going to be a beautiful baby. Okay. Okay? Thank you. Is the other parent around?

No. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's okay. We're here for you, though. Is that all right, everybody? Yeah. You got this. Yeah, until about 6.30, and then I got it.

Yeah, at 6.30, we have to go. But let's try and knock it out before then. Chalice, could you put my harmonica up to my lips, please? I would love to. Push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push, push. Don't do it when he says it, though. I'll say it. This is just sort of like motivation.

Push! Okay. Don't do it when he says it, though. I'll say it. This is just sort of like motivation. Push. Okay. I would love to give old Chippy some bardic inspiration. I don't even think I need it, though. I rolled a 21. Hell yeah. But thank you, Beef. I'll save it.

The seahorse man with his legs in the stirrups pushes with everything he's got, and underneath the blanket, you feel some wet and slimy little babies hitting your arm. Babies? Oh, yeah. You feel one. Then a second one comes out. Take it. Take this one. Beef. Twins. Chalice, take this one. There's a third.

No. How many are coming out? There's three so far. Is this normal? How many names did you come Oh, my God. There's three so far. Is this normal? No. How many names did you come up with? Not enough. Okay, I want one of you to roll a D20. Ooh, an 18.

18 babies rocket out of this man. No. What is your plan of action, team? How are you not letting these hit the ground we'll use the net that we um captured uh chalice and chalice yeah she was slipping and sliding around i love how like items are just called back well we never said i could also use web i could use web oh that's a good one oh use web spell what does it look like? Chalice casts a web and all of the babies, they just toss

them into the web once they come out. Oh, fun. Oh, fun. It's like a little line of us tossing the babies into the... Oh my gosh. And they're just sticking to the web. And they're laughing. And they're laughing. They're having a blast. Yeah, one has a lollipop somehow. The seahorse dad, his

head is lolled back and he's just panting, and it's all over. He's just kind of lounging in the laughter of his newborn kids, knowing that they're safe, and he's just panting. You did great. So good. Can I hold one of them? Sure. Oh my gosh yeah absolutely this one I pluck one off the web and I give it to her

oh my god she's beautiful yeah she was the last one that came out sorry about digging in there after her I just wanted to make sure there were no more left digging in there yeah and let's not call it digging in there we gotta work on your bedside

manner that's wild wildly inappropriate oh i think i'm gonna name her how about chalice how about bug oh yeah what are your guys names what are our names guys let's do something funny fart okay yeah my name is butthole i gotta guess i gotta get 18 of my name's Butthole. I guess I got 18 of them. That's Butthole, Fart, Bug, and then I'm Kurt. I'm Kurt. And the rest of them are Kurt. In 10 seasons, can you have these kids hunt us

to try to destroy us for ruining their lives? The big bad is just Kurt. Yeah. Which one, though? Everybody take a couple minute break. We're going to get the room cleaned up, and then we'll do the announcement of if you've passed the class or not. Oh, graduation already?

Guys, what'd you think? I think we did pretty well. I don't know. I can't tell. I got out in the pacer right away, and I feel like a failure. What if I failed this chip? What if we can't do it because of me? Oh my God.

No, no, it's... Listen, like Beef said, we'll figure it out. If we have to f*** in a pit, it'll be perfect because it'll be you and me. Yeah. I don't care about the moon

or spoons anyway. And Chip, out of his pants, pulls out hundreds of spoons and throws them all over the floor. Oh my god! Not cool! Not cool! They weren't in anything. They were loose. Hey, Chip.

What's up, Beef? I just wanted to say that I'm gonna make a really nice dad one day. Oh, that's so sweet. I really... I don't want to make up for how much how bad of a job my dad did on me you know no hey hey you're not him you're you and that's why chalice loves you and i love you oh i love you too peep steph just leave the spoons stop stop oh yeah just leave it spoons grow on tree.

Well, they are wooden, so they are tree. So, yeah, you know what? And I just kind of, like, just let them go. Do my wannabe graduates wanna come inside the classroom? Yep, here we come. Bum, bum, ba-bum, bum, bum. I'm sorry you guys did not pass. What? What?

What? Why? Why? How come? There were 18. They won't let me. I know. You guys did really well.

You're on a list. I should have checked before I had you do the class. It looks like, yeah, the mayor has you marked on a list of people who legally should not be allowed to procreate. Are you kidding me? What? This is my dad. This is my dad.

This is your dad's name written all over it. Your dad's the mayor? I thought he was the king. No. He got demoted? He probably made the mayor do it. He made the mayor do it. Oh, yes.

Yeah, it says your offspring for any of you would pose a danger to society, end quote. No, it wouldn't. Who cares? I mean, no, it wouldn't. I'm so sorry, guys. No boinking for you, I guess, but... There's nothing you can do? Are you saying boning no worky?

I'm saying boning no worky, yeah. Oh, my God. We just wasted a whole day. No? You guys can still? No, just don't follow me. And Chalice runs away. And she's gone. I know where she went.

She probably went to the auditorium to dance. To what? Alright, let's go check the auditorium. You don't know anything about it. She's not there. No! I was going to say maybe she went to Brad's pit. Maybe I'm being optimistic.

Well, let's make that our third thing we do. Okay, Seb, what do you think? I think she's at the top of the lighthouse looking out at sea, kind of thinking about her sailor. Good Lord. Okay, but that's far away. Well, get a snack. She's not there.

Damn it. Okay, let's go to the pit. That's my bad. Okay, it's okay. She's not there. Damn it. Okay. Let's go to the pit. That's my bad. Okay. It's okay. It's okay. That was a nice walk and a good snack.

Hey, Brad. Hey. Hey. What's up, dude? Are you okay? You sound a little sad. I'm good. I think I'm all the way for you.

You're the only person I can let in Just me Not these two Not just you man But she's down there Oh yeah Alright hey Chip and we straighten him up We straighten up his shirt

Tie up his ponytail a little bit better Chip raises the scissors up to his ponytail. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's too late. It's not the ponytail. Okay. Hey, go get him, kid.

Will do. I kiss beef on the mouth and I go and I kiss Seb on the mouth. Mmm, chapstick. And we put up our hands to salute him. Chalice has put twinkle lights all around the hole. And there's candles lit. And it looks pretty cozy considering that they're in a pit.

Wow. I wanted to come here first, but we went to the auditorium in the lighthouse. I was thinking about going to those places. That's so crazy. I almost went there. there and then i thought maybe i should give more credit i thought they were being ridiculous okay don't listen um i'm just thinking about what you said earlier about how it didn't have to be perfect it just had to be us and then the pit all of a sudden sounded like the perfect place. I 100% agree. Yeah, I mean, I'm glad that we waited. I know that this isn't exactly what we had planned for the past while, but I really don't care. Yeah, we didn't plan to fall in love. So plans are kind of stupid, huh?

plan to fall in love, so plans are kind of stupid, huh? Yeah. Chalice shrugs and smiles. Chip steps towards Chalice and grabs her around her waist. You can't listen!

Stop laughing! Stop laughing! Is that something to f***ing... No, I'm not even pretending. We gotta bounce, B. Hey, you wanna go to the diner and get a set hot sack? Sitcom D&D is comprised of Elizabeth Andrews, Ben Briggs, Aaron Keefe, Philippe Mansour, and me, Sean Coyle.

Arnie Pair wrote the theme song, Aaron and I worked out the story concept, and Sean Marr did the editing on this one. And if you haven't heard, now is actually an excellent time to check out our Patreon. We have over 100 episodes of content on the Patreon ready for your listening and viewing pleasure. From episodes like Chip's Tips, where Chip hosts an in-world radio advice show,

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and get in on the fun. And finally, if you want to keep up with the gang you can follow the show on instagram at sitcom dnd that's sitcom and the letters d and d okay i think that's it for now until next tuesday and thanks as always for listening That was a HeadGum Podcast.