Small Town Murder - #65 - Maybe A Serial Killer, Maybe A Liar in Sunbury, Pennsylvania

Episode Date: April 12, 2018

This week, in Sunbury, Pennsylvania, the body of a man is found in an alley, and leads police to an unexpected killer, with a story to tell. This causes a massive search for bodies, and possible victims. Is it a different kind of serial killer, or just lies & manipulation?? Along the way, we find out what happens when things go wrong in a town, exactly what book is the worst book ever published, and when someone says they've killed 100 people, do you believe them? Hosted by James Pietragallo & Jimmie Whisman New episodes every Thursday!!Please subscribe, rate, and review!Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to podcasts!Head to shutupandgivememurder.com for all things Small Town Murder!For merchandise: crimeinsports.threadless.comCheck out James and Jimmie's other show: Crime in Sports Follow us on social media!Facebook: facebook.com/smalltownpodInstagram: instagram.com/smalltownmurderTwitter: twitter.com/MurderSmall Contact the show: [e-mail] See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Come see us at a live show, everybody. We promise it's so much fun. Can't wait to see you come out. Tell us to shut up and give you murder. This week in the Rust Belt town of Sunbury, Pennsylvania, a dead body in an alley leads police to what just may be a different kind of serial killer. Welcome to Small Town Murder. Hello everybody and welcome back to Small Town Murder. Yay!

Oh, yay indeed, yay indeed. Jimmy, my name is James Petrigallo. I'm here with my co-host. I am Jimmy Wissman. Thank you, folks, so much for joining us again on this exciting edition of Small Town Murder. We're pumped. I know that much for a fact. Every damn week.

Every week we're pumped. We have an especially crazy case this week, too, which is... Fantastic. It's just a lot of crazy and uh it just keeps unfolding put it that way it's like origami it's origami it's like i was gonna say it's like when you get one of those notes in the third grade you're like how the hell do i get into this thing some girl wrote you and you're like shit i want to read this a girl gave it to me and i don't know how to do it you end up getting scissors and then trying to piece it back together is that what you

it's a nightmare yeah just rip it open screw it back to her and go, open this. Open this, will you? Well, you used to drop it off at your desk and walk away and hand it to you. A lot of them had that little arrow that said pull. That was helpful. That was a sweet girl. That's when you take home to mom. Definitely. Head over to shutupandgivememurder.com.

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You can make a one-time donation using our email address, crimeinsports at gmail.com. We've come to the time here where we must, must give the disclaimer. Of course, this is a comedy podcast, guys. That's why we do the disclaimer. We do the disclaimer not because there's graphic content. There is, but we assume you expect that from a show called Small Town Murder. But there's also jokes. We are comedians.

The stories are real. Everything in here is real. Nothing's embellished for comedic effect or anything like that. But, you know, we're going to make jokes along the way. True. What we do is we try not to make jokes at the expense of the victims or of the victim's family. That's kind of the deal we make. And that makes us feel good.

It makes us feel like we're assholes, but not scumbags. So that makes us feel like it's okay to do. So if that's good with you, excellent. If not, you should leave now. For sure. Because we are in the car on the way to a liquor store, and we're going to rob it. And everyone involved is involved. If we splatter that Korean lady's brains all over the cartons of Marlboros behind the counter, you're a murderer.

So if you're on board, great. Hop in the car. Let's do this. Nearest 7-Eleven is going down. If not, have a good one. Nice to meet you. See you on the other side. Life without is on the table. Yeah. You know it. Have a not, have a good one. Nice to meet you. See you on the other side. Life without is on the table.

Yeah. You know it. Have a nice, boring life with this. But everybody left, hopefully lots and lots of you. It is time. And I know what you're saying. You're saying, shut up. Give me murder.

And we're going to do that right now. Let's do it. Let's go on a trip. Jimmy, what do you say? Fantastic. You ready to roll? I'm always ready now, especially this month. You have to be.

Christ, we're on the road a lot. We are heading all the way to Pennsylvania. Terrific. This time to Sunbury, Pennsylvania. All right. Ever heard of Sunbury, Pennsylvania? I believe so. Just from me?

Yeah. That's it here. Yes. It is in east central Pennsylvania. It's so hard. Pennsylvania, if you really concentrate, has a tiny, tiny panhandle up in the northwest corner. It's so tiny. You could hold a pan on it, though.

And I was praying to find something in that corner of the state. Unfortunately, this is right dabbing smack in the middle of the pan, but full of panhandle behavior. So we have that to go on. So that's fine. As long as there's panhandle behavior, I'm okay. But not exactly in the panhandle. Things keep rolling. They keep rolling along.

It is two hours and 45 minutes to Philadelphia here. That's a drive. That's a drive there and four hours to Pittsburgh. That's an even longer drive. So it's kind of just in the middle of nowhere. It's not a suburb of anything. It's just a small town that's got left out there, and it's dying fast, as we'll find out. It's not doing great.

It's in Northumberland county great definitely sounds like it was named by british people or people who are all those words jammed together anglophiles of some kind name that northumberland that's one word you know that's said very quickly and mashed together like like peas and mashed potatoes by a british person at some point northumberland it's like thanksgiving. You just mash all the shit together. Fine, if I eat it all. That's how you eat it. Take it all here, you shit food grandma.

You jam everything onto one fork. That's all you can do. So gross. Speaking of grandma, by the way, I have a funny thing for you from Easter that I did not tell you about. Oh, great. I saved it for the show to tell you about. Fantastic. I walk into Easter with my family there, and my grandmother's there, and she knows about the show.

She knows now. Everybody tells her that I imitate her, and people think it's funny. That she's famous. She knows that she's kind of famous now, and so she comes up to me. She's got this look on her. She's a gangster, by the way. She's like 90 years old. She's a gangster.

She comes up, and she goes, somebody imitates me on the show, huh? And I said, yeah. Everybody loves it. It's great, girl. I'm trying to like, I'm thinking she's like that. She goes, okay, that's fine. That's fine. And I'm like, all right, that, everybody loves it. It's great, girl. I'm trying to like, I'm thinking she's like, she goes, okay, that's fine. That's fine. And I'm like, all right, that was an interesting transaction.

She goes, 5%. What? She goes, I want to cut. What are you, Christopher Walken in the King of New York? If a nickel bag gets sold in the park, I want in. I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? She says, maybe not from you. You're my grandson.

It's okay. You're a partner, though. You're a partner. You give me 5%. I'm like, you want 5% of Jimmy's money for me doing an impersonation of you? She's like, I don't know how that works, Grandma. Grandma's a fucking gangster. I have a feeling I have to pay that.

She said, why you telling me 5%? I get a little cut, a little something for me. I have a feeling I'm on the hook for that. I think so. No, she's going to send thick-necked men to your door, I think, at some point. I wouldn't put it past her. I'm going to go buy something, an exorbitant price something. What is this?

Experion's going to go, your credit is so jacked. It's jacked up. You're supposed to be paying 5%. It says tiny Italian lady. I'm not sure. That's all it says. Heavy accent? Does that mean anything to you? Hard to understand?

Is that a thing? You don't deny it until you pay the tiny Italian lady. Whatever. I thought you would enjoy that, knowing that you owe Grandma 5% apparently for my impersonation of her. That has nothing to do with you whatsoever. That's fantastic. It's like, that's wonderful.

What if I just send her a t-shirt? She'd be thrilled. She'd be thrilled. She'd go, that's fantastic. It's like, that's wonderful. What if I just send her a t-shirt? She'd be thrilled. She'd be thrilled. She'd go, that's nice. 4.99%. I take off the top. She'd have it calculated. Don't you worry.

Send her a tiny shirt that says, shut up and give me murder. She's cold-blooded. You'd have to be very tiny. She's about 4'10 now. She's shrunk down from her initial five-foot standing. Zip code in this town. Getting shaken down by the elderly. Oh, yeah. By the elderly. She shrunk down from her initial five foot standing. Zip code in this town. Getting shaken down by the elderly. Oh, yeah.

By the elderly. She's tough, man. She did it to me my whole life. Now it's your turn. What happened to me? Now it's your turn, man. I was like, I got to give you 10% for 5%. What are you talking about?

5% from each of you, she says. Fuck me, man. It's getting higher and higher. Cold blooded. Then she said, okay, you're fine because you're my grandson. But the other one. She's in her 90s. What's she building a nest egg for?

Shit, doesn't matter. She's got something. That's fucked up. You're going to get my inheritance. Yeah, there you go. I won't get shit, but someone will, damn it. Somebody in your family is going to inherit my money. That's right.

It's not a lot, Graham. It's not a lot. She's going to be very disappointed with what she receives. Zip code here, 17801. Area code 570. Small town, 2.12 square miles. About a tenth of a mile on water because there's a river there.

Motto of this town is there's two. Luckily they came up with two. I love it. First one doesn't make me want to go there at all, but it sort of says where it is. It's called the quote, Heart a quote, heart of the Susquehanna River. Oh, fantastic. That's, that just gives, that sounds very old timey. That's like they named it in like 1800 and they were like, people will come to see that.

They want to see the heart of a river, don't they? Everyone, who doesn't want that? This is going to be great. Second one. Sounds like the name of a giant paddle boat. That's true, right? The heart of the Susquehanna on the back as it goes by, like one of those Chicago River boats they take you on.

Yeah. The big fucking wheel spinning. Yeah. And somebody getting molested inside. Like a Tom, like a Mark Twain fucking. Huck Finn boat. Yeah, Huck Finn boat. The other one is a little more sneaky.

This is prickish over here. It is, quote, a beautiful sunberry begins with you. Oh. I think they just told everyone, don't you embarrass the town, you fat fuck. I think they just said that. Listen here, asshole. Clean your fucking lawn up. You see this place?

It could be nice if it wasn't for assholes like you. Put on a collared shirt, you fuck. Come on. Jeez. Put on some khakis, goddammit. This place is a mess. We can see your boner, but get some pleats, you fucker. Jesus Christ almighty.

You're wearing basketball shorts. You know your dick is sticking out. You know it's sticking out of those basketball shorts. Every step you take, we see the fucking shape. I can see every vein of your cock, sir. That's not great. Not wonderful and nobody in this sense. How do you expect to get people to come to this town?

A beautiful sunberry starts with you, you scumbag bastard. Stop shopping at Under Armour. It's not good for you, clearly. This first people to come here were, you know, 1600s, that sort of thing. It was the Shawnee migrants. These were Shawnee Indian people, Native Americans, obviously. This was a large population of Delaware Indians were forcibly also resettled here in the early 18th century. They lost rights to their land because they're Native Americans.

So obviously they were pushed out into worse land, I would say. They're like, well, we're going to send you right in the middle of the pan here. We're going to go right there. They send them right in the middle. There was a lot of Indians there, too. At the time, it was about 300 Indians in the early 1700s, which that's actually a decent settlement back then, like a pretty good-sized settlement for that. Now, in 1754, they gave a lot of this land from the six nations, all of the native tribes here, to Pennsylvania at the Albany Congress. They gave it over.

I guess they didn't want it anymore. They saved a bit for themselves, though, is how they did it. They saved a bit for themselves. Shemokin, which was what Sunbury will be, this particular area, was not sold. It was held by the Six Nations, quote, to settle such of our nations as shall come to us from the Ohio or any others who shall deserve to be in our alliance. Okay. So a really complicated way to go. We're or any others who shall deserve to be in our alliance. So a really complicated way to go.

We're fucking doors open if anybody wants to come in. We could use some more over here. You know, party, party over here. It's basically what they say. Hung a balloon on the mailbox. Party in my place. They hung a balloon on the mailbox and they're like, people will come, right? They'll show up. They know.

They'll be able to know where it is. They hung a red balloon. No one, everyone's going to see that. It says party on it. Like, they know. It's fine. It's totally fine. They had the French and Indian War here. There was a lot of fighting here from the French and Indian War. The Delaware Indian residents around here remained neutral for the early part of the war, which was probably smart. Don't pick a side. See who wins and

then join them, I think, at this point, especially if you've been pushed from somewhere else to here. You're like, let's calm down and let's not pick sides so quickly here. Then, however, they decided at some point here that they'd join the war against Pennsylvania and the English. And that was a bad decision for them. Fort Augusta was built in 1756. Probably because somebody took a shot at one of them on accident. They're just like, that looks like one. That was messed up.

We should get involved in this. What the fuck is wrong with you, Holmes? They had some droughts and frost. You made them Mexican and Indians. You made them like 80s. You made them like the movie Colors. Like with Sean Penn and Robert Duvall. I made them like East LA.

They were like, go. That was Colors. Go, Holmes. Yeah, that was like. I didn't see the movie. Oh, okay. That's why. It's an 80s Sean Penn, Robert Duvall, was it? Yeah, that was like... I didn't see the movie. Oh, okay. That's why. It's an 80s Sean Penn, Robert Duvall, L.A. cop movie.

Not that great. I was seeing some Cheech and Chong movie. That's all. It has an Ice-T sung theme song called Colors. Where it just says Colors. All right. Colors. Colors.

Over and over again. For the whole fucking song. That makes sense. And it's terrible. Every song Ice-T sings is god awful. Yeah. Ice-T never had a good one six in the morning no none of them are good they're all fucking 11 9 that was good shit that was good

stuff i could take it all right uh so uh march the other rest terrible so bad uh march 21st 1772 north umberland county was incorporated uh was divided up, and they named it Sunberry because they were like, Shamokin sounds a little, I don't know, Indian-y. You know what I'm saying? They were like, I don't know if we're going to bring in the white folk with that one. Sunberry, that sounds nice. Also, a Jamok is not a positive thing. That's the other thing.

Yeah, yeah. I feel like they were going for white ladies. They're like, Sunberry, it's beautiful. It's gorgeous. You're going to love it. It's so nice. Oh, we have wine tastings. It's going the best they're like that sounds lovely they got there they're like shemokin the fuck is that shit i don't like that at all uh it was named after

sunbury on tames which is a town in the surrey borough of speltthorne in england or spellthorne not speltthorne spellthorne in england England, just outside Greater London. And I saw a picture of it, and it's beautiful. It looks wonderful and nice and looks nothing like Sunbury, which looks like a typical kind of Midwest shithole. No offense to the Midwest, but things have been deteriorating there. The East Coast also. I know Pennsylvania is technically in the East, but this is the Midwest. I'm sorry. Once you get west of Philly, it's the Midwest.

It just is. Pittsburgh is the Midwest as far as I'm sorry. Once you get west of Philly, it's the Midwest. It just is. Pittsburgh is the Midwest as far as I'm concerned. It's like they forgot or didn't realize how fucking brutal their winters are and how it's going to affect things in the area. That's the thing. It's like, we'll settle here and then we'll just maintain everything.

We gotta maintain everything every year. Are you chilly? It's cold as fuck. That bridge looks like it's gonna collapse. How does every bridge looks like it's gonna collapse how it how does every bridge look like it's gonna collapse by the way oh my god they're all hideous yeah they're like that's that seems to be what we do with bridges is we're like we'll put them up we maintain them and then we're like it's good till it falls i guess that's it just that's it nobody's died you know we build new bridges when one falls down that's when we build a new one. We're like, I guess we need a new bridge there.

You think? 14 people just fucking plummeted to their death in the icy river. I'd say a new bridge might be in order. There was a college bridge that was erected that was the first of its kind. It was already a bridge, and then they lifted it into place. And then that fucking thing just collapsed on a whole bunch of cars. It's not good. So all the people in the Midwest are probably going, yeah, yeah, see, we don't build new things.

We just keep this old shit. Build it new and old. Let's build it whatever old style and we'll build a new one. Redo that. So they had the City Hotel built in 1865 in here, and this is when it became a historic site and people started to know what Sunbury was all about because Thomas Edison came to town. All right.

God damn it, he came with his light bulb yeah what's up bitches i got a light bulb motherfucker oh everybody in the dark yeah what's up with this shit hold it up pow take that uh now he uh this uh became very famous because he demonstrated the electric light by wiring the city hotel oh that was his first like hey look what i got and everyone was like, holy shit. I don't know if he lit the whole hotel, but he stopped the three-wire light system. He put it in there, and that was the first building he put it in. And so it became a huge

deal because all of the international press covered it, and it was from Sunbury, Pennsylvania. So everybody kind of knew what it was. And for that, they renamed it Edison Hotel. Now, it's still called the edison hotel and it does it looks like a shitty government building but it's not it's a it's the edison hotel that they're very very proud of yeah if you saw it you go that's your bride huh all right

just saying a little rundown so you could use some work kind of looks like your bridges that's all i'm gonna say yeah i don't know you're surprised it gets this fucking cold every year how are you surprised every year? No, it's freezing, you fucking morons. It's so cold. You people are stupid. So, not you people there, but you people then there. Never mind.

So, they built a monument to Edison and everything that looks like a half-decent gravestone in the middle of nowhere. That's their monument. It's not really all that impressive. nowhere. That's their monument. It's not really all that impressive. Also living here for a while was Lorenzo DePonte, who was an Italian opera libertist,

librettist, libertist, librettist. I don't know. I don't know what that is. That is a, you don't know what that is. That is a libretto is the text used in or intended for an extended musical work such as opera, operetta, masque, oratorio, or cantator musical.

So he's a music guy. So he's a music guy, in other words. That is the Sahara Desert Fart Fact of the Week, by the way, because no one needed to fucking know that. He was good at that, and he looks like an old lady, because he's from the 1700s. He was born in the 1700s, and he looks like a chubby little old lady, honestly. He really does. Currently, and for the last, really, 100 years, they've had a lot of problems.

Not really 100. I guess 50 would be more accurate. The economics here are terrible. It's the Rust Belt. This is the tip of the Rust Belt. This is right where the sores are. The tip right here of the Rust Belt. It's not terrific. Institutes

have done studies of why how can we avoid this in the future? Basically It's not terrific. Institutes have done studies of why, how can we avoid this in the future? Basically, like, this is terrible. What can we do to make every town not turn into this complete dumpy shithole? And what did they come to the conclusion of? It's shit. Fucking nothing.

Nothing. There's nothing we can do. This is terrible. This is how it happens. They need jobs and schools, and they don't have them. So, tough shit, I guess. So, move, run, set the

place on fire. Last person out, light the match. That's all we have to say. I think that's the, that was the last line of the study as a matter of fact. Last person out, be sure you're the last person out and flick that match. Light that match. More than 20 churches here though. Good Lord. A lot of churches in a small town here.

A little pop culture thing in the episode of Mad Men. You ever watch Mad Men? I did. It's fucking great. Christina Hendricks looks great. Yeah, it's not bad. I like her a lot.

Who doesn't? I like her a lot. Yeah, who doesn't? In Mad Men. Her husband, she is a fucking modern marvel. She is an amazing looking woman, and she's unbelievably talented. Oh, yeah. And she is a sweetheart of a girl because she married a troll.

One of the most horrible looking human beings. He's like latched on before she was famous. She was doing dinner theater when I found her. It's the dude from Super Troopers that's in the backseat of the cop car that's licking things because he ate all the pot. That's the dude that she married. He's a horrible looking pot. That's the dude that she married. He's a horrible looking individual. That is horrible. This town was featured in an

episode of Mad Men. Not really featured, just the name of the town. I'm sure they just shot it in Hollywood like normal people. But it was when Don Draper's body is being looked over by his parents and it's not really his body and he's in his army uniform looking on from the train in a flashback. They're in Sunbury. That's where they are.

So that tells you his parents had to meet the casket. The people here like to be called, I don't know if they like to be called this, but they are called Sunburyans. Sunburyans. I like Sunburyans better. It sounds like Sombrero-ians, which sounds much more fun to me. I have a resident review of this town. I have a resident review of this town. Sombrero-ians. I have a resident's review.

Okay. Let's find out what it's like to live here. Can't wait. Okay, this is written by a resident. Quote, this is the title of the review. Quote, there's nothing here to offer. Run away as fast as you can. So that tells you right there.

That's real. What's going to come in. This is real. Quote, I've lived in this area since I was born 23 years ago. The economy is horrible. The unemployment is high. There isn't any job growth. Businesses are closing left and right, and there isn't anything to do.

This whole area is going under and does not provide a good future for its citizens. There isn't any stability or any hopes for a better economy. A super Walmart has been in the works for years now, which would bring a few jobs to the area, but not as much as have been lost in the closing of all these factories and stores. This isn't a place recommended to anyone to relocate to. Even its lifelong residents don't want to be here. End quote. That's a review.

That sounds great. Wow. She had a hell of a time there. Her review, it's like mine of American Airlines. It's the same fucking review. Can I sell you a timeshare? Yeah. By the way, I felt great buying more expensive flights to go on our tour than buying American Airlines.

I love doing it. It's American. I don't care if you're offering me three dollar tickets. I will not fly your shitty fucking luggage losing asshole airline ever. I actually will be like, can I spend 50 extra? Because I fucking will. I don't care. Whatever it is to not give them,

I'm going to do my business. Population of this town here. I didn't lose anything. I'm also not flying them. Good. Population. They got all my shit there in one piece and I still am not flying them. They suck. 9,652

people. It's down 16.7% since 1990. It's been going down since 1900. Wow. So it's just not, yeah. Once the lights went up at the hotel, they were like, this is great. And then once everyone else started getting lights, they're like, this isn't, we're not the only ones with electricity.

We're on our leave now. This place sucks. Once Edison stopped inventing shit for them. Like, let's just go. Fuck this. Median age here is 37.5, which is exactly the national average. Male-female populations are pretty normal. Most of the stats are normal, except there's way more single people here than married people,

which is 58% single, which is usually 40%. So that's way different. It's usually about 50% here. A lot of older people, which makes up for that, usually. You'll have dead people. So now technically you're single at that point i guess i mean yeah uh higher divorce rate here too than normal i guess because it's weird too because economic strife causes problem in relationships makes you want to get divorced but then you can't afford divorce so you think the separated rate would be really high the divorce rate would be lower so they can't afford it, but apparently they're figuring out a way to get divorced here.

The race of this town, shockingly 90% white. Weird. Obviously. Yeah, it's weird. They're going to stick around. Yeah. They're going to stick around. They're going to go down with the ship here.

1.62% black. It used to be higher, I'm sure, and they were like, we're getting the fuck out of here. These white people are fucked up. This place is going down. And they told me the shit starts with me. Last time they said that. Exactly. I know better than this shit.

Don't tell me anything starts with me. I'm getting out of here. It's 0.27% Asian. That's like a restaurant in this town, maybe. Hispanics, 6.94%. 51% of the people are religious here, which is higher than the national average by about 2%, but pretty high for the North.

Usually in the North, we're a little bit lower than the average. 15.53% Catholic, as we know. Catholics are the Baptists of the North. Whether there is religion, they will be found. They will be found there. 1% LDS, where there's misery and lack of hope. You're going to glom right onto that shit and go, well, we have something for you. Why don't you have 45 kids since you have no money?

That'd be perfect for you guys. There's a bunch of people that read a review and were like, our kind of place. This is perfect. They're going to be looking for something. Maybe the Lord. Right. We have 0.0% Jewish. They're like, no, no, no, no.

Fuck this. I don't think so. And 1.73% Islam, which is more than I expected, honestly, there. Politics in this town, 40% vote Democrat, about 59% vote Republican in this town. Unemployment rate is over 6%, about 6.5%, which isn't terrible, but it's higher than the national average. And from what I understand, it's actually kind of worse there than that percentage. It's that percentage. A lot of times the unemployment rate can be kind of deceiving, as we've found out, and this is kind of one of those towns.

It's worse than that economically. More likely, look at the household income, which is at $28,530. Better off staying home. That's it, yes. It's about just a little under, a little more than half the national average. So that's not great at all. Can't afford work boots. How do you expect me to go to work?

How am I supposed to do that? Manufacturing jobs a little bit higher than in most places, but not as high as there used to be in this town. It used to be a kind of a manufacturing type of town. Now it's mostly 25% of the jobs are healthcare and social assistance because there's old people. And once they die

off, I don't know. The town just sinks back into the air. It opens up like a big light comes out and just swallows everything up. What would happen? That's it. I think that's the one thing right there. That's it. Cost of living in this town.

Like some fucking Ghostbusters. Exactly. Exactly. And a Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is gone. Yay. We've defeated him. So cost of living in this town, low as you'd expect, as you'd hope. And I can't imagine it'd be high, there'd be nobody there at all.

Cost of living is 78 out of 100, which 100 is average par if you're just joining us. Everything is about right around 100 except for housing, which is super low at 35. So, you can afford a house there. You don't fucking want one, but if you wanted to buy one, you can afford it. You'll be pissed about it. You will not be happy to have it. Median home age here is, in the U.S., the age of a home, the average age is 37 years old. Here, it's 74.

Holy hell. It's exactly double. And the median home cost in the nation, it's about $186,000. And here, it is $65,800. What's the oldest house you ever lived in? I lived in New York, so I've lived in super old houses. Houses that old? Like 70?

Oh, definitely. Yeah, far older than that. Yeah, older than that. I was just trying to... New York, all the houses are old as shit. I think the oldest house I lived in was like, fuck, 30 years old. Oh, I lived in a house that was like 130 years old. Jesus.

Because it was like a corner, like a brick building that they've renovated a few times over the years. My grandparents had a house about that old, though. It was like 100 years old. It happens. But I didn't live there. Good. So, yeah, median home cost here, like I said, $65,800.

60% of the houses are between $40,000 and $100,000. So, I mean, that's what you're looking at here. And if we've convinced you. Yeah, I don't know how. Damn it, the only place for you is Sunbury, Pennsylvania. Somehow you've come through all don't know how. Damn it, the only place for you is Sunbury, Pennsylvania. Somehow, you've come through all this to think that. We have for you the Sunbury, Pennsylvania

Real Estate Report. Your average two-bedroom apartment here goes for about $671, which seems a little bit high, even though that's well under the national average. Still too high for this. I found a two-bedroom, two-bath, 1,486 square foot, complete dump of a shithole. The pictures didn't even show you the inside.

It looks very frightening. There is about eight satellite dishes on it, which is never a good sign, I feel like. Too many. One satellite dish, fine. Eight, I don't know what's going on there. That many satellite dishes, it's like you got one and then you ran up a bill you couldn't pay. So you're like, fuck it, I'll just go to dish. Well, $49,900 for this little gem. I found a three-bedroom, two-bath, really big 3,270-square-foot house.

This big kind of old house, $69,900. And that's because it looks like Freddy Krueger lives there It looks like people have just been murdered there Yesterday Fresh bodies this place But it's huge and if you want to renovate an entire place That's the thing to do I also found a three bedroom two bath

2600 square foot house It's basically the last house but renovated It looks pretty nice it's decent They've kept it up it's $165,000 Which is way too much to pay for anything in this god damn town Things to do but renovated. Gotcha. It looks pretty nice. It's decent. They've kept it up. It's $165,000, which is way too much to pay for anything in this goddamn town. Things to do.

You could probably build that Super Walmart for that kind of price. That's what I mean. What the fuck with the Super Walmart? Things to do. National Night Out.

They love this. It is a national night out. It's an annual community building campaign that promotes police, community partnerships, and neighborhood camaraderie to make our neighborhoods safer, more caring places to live.

And all the pictures just look like white people eating hot dogs. That's what it is. It is white people feeding each other hot dogs. There is a pie eating contest where I saw a shirtless man eating pie, which I think that would automatically disqualify. You put a goddamn shirt on when you're going to eat in a public anything. And then they also brag they are the home of the world's largest Fabra dam, which is one of those blow-up things they put in lakes to kind of dam it off a little bit. It's like a big bladder.

And they're bragging about that, though. They dig that. It's the world's largest? That's what they say. Who knows? Honestly, they're lying. Who knows? It's only the world's largest because it was cheaper than having concrete.

Who do you know? If there's one in China that's bigger, you don't fucking know in Sunbury. Crime rate in this town. Property crime, exactly average. Yeah. Exactly average. Not a lot to steal. I don't know.

Violent crime in this town. More than double the average of national. They don't have a lot to steal, and they're pissed about it, apparently. I don't know what it is. They're violent and angry people. Let's talk about some violent and angry people. Let's do it. Let's do it.

This is an insane tale, by the way, of bat shittery. I don't even know what to call it. It is crazy. It's one of these where you're like, oh, that's the crime. Oh, no, that is. Oh, Jesus, there's more. It just keeps unfolding like a note that you get in third grade. So, let's do it here.

Murder origami. Murder origami. Let's pull that tab and let's get started here. Poll. Poll. Let's talk about Miranda Barber, who was not born Miranda Barber. She was born Miranda Camille Dean. So, she was born Dean, Miranda Dean, on December 14th, 1994.

She is from the North Pole, literally. Great. She's from North Pole, Alaska, which is a real town. And I read a little bit about it. And apparently it's kind of like Santa Claus, Georgia. Same type of deal. Got it. Literally in like 1950, a man with a beard was told by a child,

Hey, look, you look like Santa Claus. And this guy went, Well, that's my life's work from now on. And built his house to look like Santa's house in a workshop, and they turned it into North Pole. And now if you look at their website, it looks like a Holiday Michaels commercial. It's fucking ridiculous. It's just Santa Clauses, and there's a Christmas counter right on the front page of their website, 200-something days until Christmas.

It's ridiculous. Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure that is not the North Pole. No, it's not. They just named it. It's not even at the far tip of Alaska. It's kind of in the middle of Alaska. They just named it North Pole, Alaska to be dicks and to draw tourism, kind of like Santa Claus, Georgia or one of those fucking places. So she grows up in this town.

I mean, that seems like an idyllic place to grow up, a town that constantly thinks it's Christmas and also lies and also they're liars. It's not the North Pole. Well, that's the thing. Maybe that maybe the town rubbed off on her more in that way. Or maybe not. We'll see here. Maybe she's festive. Maybe she's a liar. You never know. We'll find out. Let's the thing. Maybe the town rubbed off on her more in that way than it did, or maybe not. We'll see here. Maybe she's festive. Maybe she's a liar.

You never know. We'll find out. Let's see here. She grows up here. Like I said, it's in the middle of Alaska. Stupid name. She grows up with her mother here. Her mother and father, growing up until she's a teenager, her family's intact.

Her mother is Elizabeth, and her father is Sonny. They will separate and get back together several times over the course of their childhood before they finally break up for good. Also, her older sister, Ashley, who was three years older than her and kind of the person who, you know, they kind of go through the same experiences because they're only three years apart. So it's, you know, they do the same things together. So they grow up there.

They were kind of isolated with the family because I don't know if, you know, North Pole, there's not a lot of people there. Pretty much isolated already. Yeah. And especially from your family because they had family in other parts of the country. Got it. So if you're in Alaska and your family lives in, you know, because they have family, I know we'll find out in North Carolina.

That's a long goddamn way. You're not going to see them very often, basically. They're not going to come every Easter. You know, it's one of those things. You'll see them every five years, maybe, if you make a trek down to the civilization. Every time you see them, the old man goes, I remember when you used to be this big. Yeah, you see that three times, and then you're too old, and they don't ever see you again. So that's that.

So they don't see you again because you're visiting their gravesite. Exactly, because that's it yeah it's uh it's that's a as much time as we had to spend together tell you three times in their life that you used to be this big yeah and then you're talking really i was small and then i grew huh that's bizarre shocker i thought i came out of my mother's vagina six foot four i was that's shocking honestly and then you tell those memories to a piece of rock yeah perfect okay you remember when i was small why am i here i don't even know you why did i visit your grave i don't even know you i met you three times the only thing you

had to say to me was i used to be smaller and now i'm some reason checking out your eternal resting spot i don't know why so uh good news is when she's about three years old, when Miranda's three and her sister's about six, more family move into town on her mom's side, which is good. That's a pleasant thing. They're excited about that, actually, because they need. First of all, if you're if you're parents and you don't have a ton of money and you have two little kids, you would need a relative around to watch those little kids every once in a while so you don't lose your fucking mind.

You can make more. Yeah, exactly. Or just stay sane, one of the two. But someone has to watch the kids every once in a while, and they find it is Elizabeth, the mother, it's her sister, Melissa, and her husband, Richard, move five houses down from them. This is Melissa and Richard Fernandez move in, and they're kind of a godsend when they

get there because they help. They like hanging out with the kids, too. They take care of the kids. The kids like going over there. It's great. It's a good time for everybody. They're excited that they can do some stuff on their own and just every once in a while have a break, a babysitter

for the kids, which helps a lot. So they live five houses down. Everybody loves Uncle Rick. Uncle Rick's like the best. Uncle Rick is, they call him a model friend, brother, and uncle. Everybody loved him. He was top notch here. He was the one who was kind of saying, oh, we'll have the kids over.

That's fine. Give them a break, and they're fun to have around. And I don't know if they didn't have kids of their own. It was one of those things where, you know, from the outside, you would look at it and go, well, yeah, they're nice people. They don't have kids of their own. Maybe she can't have kids. Maybe he can't have kids.

Whatever it is. So they began spending weekends at the Fernandez's house. It's only five houses down. They began spending whole weekends there, which seems odd, because you're only five houses down. Spend the night, come home for the day, whatever, if you want to go hang out and watch movies that night again. It's like 50 blocks or 50 steps. Yeah, it's 50 steps.

You don't have to stay there. Just I'll come grab them at 10. How's that? I'll come grab them when they're getting sleepy. Some shit. But they began spending weekends at the home here. After a while, they began spending every weekend with Rick and Melissa, which seems strange. But the parents don't think anything of it.

I think they're happy with some freedom possibly here. Rick was the one encouraging and arranging these sleepovers. And this goes on for about a year. They're going over every weekend. I see a look on your face, Jimmy. What? You don't like uncles who like to constantly arrange sleepovers with young nieces? That doesn't strike you as normal?

Not much. Isn't that weird in this society? It's already uncomfortable. It's already an uncle shows interest in a child. We're like, that's not good. That is sad, isn't it? It is. It's sad.

But this is the guy showing up 20 minutes early for Little League practice with the fucking orange slices going. Let's see what kids are going to get here early. You don't want that guy. I got a juice box, but you got to get in my pocket to get it. That's what I mean. That's not the guy you want. You want the hungover cholo who's just like, I don't know.

Fuck, man. How long are you going to be gone? Oh, man, I was drinking. I got to work in the morning. Fuck, man. I don't want to watch. Yeah, kids, good job. And then he just sits there with a headache.

That's the guy you want coaching your kids. He might not be the best coach, but he's not going to diddle them. I'll tell you that much right now. He has no interest. They're going to learn shit about sports, but they're also not going to get ruined. He has no interest in your children whatsoever. He wishes he didn't have to watch them play baseball, never mind have sex with them. So he is thrilled to get away from your kids when you pick them up.

These two are like, here so early? No, it's going to come late. We're going to have a post-practice practice. It's going to be an after-practice practice. Have them run pickles around my pickle.'s gonna be pickles and i did i say pickle i didn't mean to say pickle if uncle rick said pickle right then it's over i'm sorry gets out of his mouth uh problem is here after about a year uh miranda begins to complain that she's in pain in certain areas of her body. I think you know where we're going here.

Don't need to get into too many details. It's just they take her to the doctor. Because after a while, the parents are just like, I don't know, maybe she fell down or something. They literally didn't even take it seriously, which I don't know how you don't. This is the 90s. This isn't like 1942 where you're like, I don't know, they fell off a horse. This is a fucking in the 90s. there's plenty of molesting stories out there if your kid if your little girl spends time too much time with her uncle starts complaining that

certain things hurt you take that fucking kid to the doctor and you figure out what's going on at least you should and you kill that fucking guy right so either way uh she uh goes to the doctor turns out that her uncle has been molesting both of them repeatedly for the entire year. Oh my God. And it's not, it's not, it is terrible. Both of them. Both of them. And obviously all molestation is terrible. This is considered especially hard. And I've especially fucking hard.

I'm not going to get into details because honestly, I'm uncomfortable fucking saying it and it's too much. It's too much. It's he did horrible things to these girls. Horrible, terrible things that can't even explain. So this went on when they finally figured it out when the older sister told. The older sister told the parents what was going on. And so then they freaked out.

They took it serious. They did, thankfully. And that's the thing, too, is you wonder if, you know, a lot of times in things like this, if it's a shit family, too. I mean, I'm not sure about the shittiness of the family. But if it's a shit family, you'll just get either nothing will happen or just the dad will go knock on the door and be like, don't fucking touch my kids and go back again. Again. Yeah. You stay away from my kids, which is great.

Maybe he'll stay away from your kids, but there's still a molester on the street here. So that's not terrific. You have to you have to fucking turn these people in. There's no other way to do it because they need to they have to fucking turn these people in there's no other way to do it because they need to they need to be taken off the streets so they don't do this again to more kids and other children yeah because i guarantee if he's used to having two little girls to molest every weekend and then that's taken away from him guess what he's got a big hole in his life about the size of a fucking six-year-old girl that he's looking for and that is disgusting and

fucking horrible and i said hole and i know and that's terrible so moving on i know i was seeing in my head i was just thinking about a guy that smokes and you take away his cigarettes and he's got to go do something he's gonna do something he's gonna chew some gum so he's out on the streets looking for gum at that point he's like look at that little knicker at i'm gonna get me some of that we don't need any of that shit come here you little chicklet come here you little chicklet so that's jesus that's terrible that felt horrible i know i'm like that's, Jesus, that's terrible. I know. That felt horrible. I know.

I'm like, that's not a good joke. Deep down, that felt horrible. That felt dirty deep down. It's dirty. So the mother goes to the police. Fuck, that's great. That shows that the family has some sort of something. It's enough to go to the police and not give a shit. They go to the police and they arrest Fernandez.

They arrest Uncle Rick. It's taken seriously. And it's both girls too, which I think helps. It's the two girls corroborating this. And so I think that made it more believable that everybody believed him. They go through the trial. Like I said, the court documents are fucking

horrific. The judge says that it's basically the worst thing he's ever seen. Molesting-wise, it's just the most horrible case he's ever seen. Everybody hates this Fernandez after this shit. He is sentenced to 19 years in prison. That's a good sentence.

For a first-degree sexual assault of a minor in 1998. I mean, it should be more, but... It should be more, especially for this reason, that they couldn't keep him incarcerated for longer than nine years. Is that like the law? No, they just paroled him in nine years, which it seems like if that guy's sitting in front of me on the parole board, I'm going to keep him in as long as possible. I'm going to go, you're going to probably do 19 years, asshole.

I'm just telling you now, you're never getting a vote from me. That shit never goes away. And if you're a big enough piece of shit to horribly, horribly, aggressively molest two small children, that shit ain't going away, and we're not letting you out. And the longer you stay in here, the better chance of you being stabbed by an inmate. So we're going to go ahead and sentence you to another five years, asshole. Stick around. Because that's what we're looking for. We are hoping to never let you out on the street.

Hopefully someone will slit your throat. Don't pass gas or we'll add more time to it. That's it. Prison shower justice. Hopefully we'll take its fucking course. Because I don't know what else to do here. It has to. But it doesn't for this guy.

And he gets out after nine years, which has to be horrible, I would imagine, for everyone involved. The Miranda and Ashley especially are horrified to know that he's out of prison. I don't blame them. They're scared. Like I said, I don't think that no one can protect me. Thanks. They let this asshole out.

Thanks a lot. Nine years for the worst case the judge had ever seen. Yeah, nine years. That's what you get for that. Apparently, it's not the worst case the parole board's ever seen, unfortunately, and they're slacking off here. So he's released on parole. The funny thing is, what do they think he's going to do? Everything's going to be fine now? He's going to go and he won't touch any more kids. I'm sure he's not interested in kids now. Jail probably knocked that right out of him. No

one who goes to jail is ever interested in kids again. We all know that. So stupid. It's correcting the shit out of it. It is. Good thing is, though, for this is he's on parole, which means you can keep an eye on him. And that's the only reason a lot of times we've had this a few times where they let people out where you're like, why the fuck did they parole this guy? And it's so they can keep him in. It's so that they can keep an eye on him. They know he's going to reoffend and they'll just put him back in. It's like, yeah, we need him under supervision for the first three years he's out.

We can't just release him and have him be out more. He's going to violate. That's for sure. Yeah. And so with parole, they can come search your house whenever they want. They can look through your shit, especially if you're one of these people. Yeah. If you're a sexual, you know, sexual deviant offender.

Right. Yeah, absolutely. They end up finding him in possession of hundreds upon hundreds of images of child pornography in 2011. Because, of course, if he's not going to fuck kids, he's still going to look at kids because he's into kids. So someone, like I said, stab this guy, please. In 2011? In 2011, this took place. He didn't even wait very long.

No. Like, that's so fast. Oh, no. He probably had it the whole time. I mean, it's one of those things. The worst of this, though, in his collection here was a how-to manual. This is disgusting, Jimmy. Buckle up.

Everybody buckle up, because this exists in the world. This is so disturbing. You don't think about this shit. No one. Normal people don't think this exists. Right. Someone said, I'm going to write this book, and I should publish it, because other people are going to want it.

Never cross your mind. Someone cross someone else's mind it is a how-to manual that encourages men to abuse young family members oh my god okay it is fucking horrific here let's get into this it is called jesus christ the title of it is the most just absolute skin crawling fucking heaving nausea inducing title ever so it's a pun it is no it's worse it's god it sort of is not a pun but it's sort of it's let's hear it fun

with my sister's kids oh my god is that no that's so on the nose gross oh my god how does that? I can't. I can't. That better not be.

Is that Harper Collins? I retire. Is that a Penguin book? I believe that is. I retire right now. I swear to God. I'm ready to retire. How is that a book?

From Small Town Murder after I read that. I was like, no, this is not a thing that exists in the fucking world. But it does does it actually does it's the scholastic reader i think it is a scholastic reader i think it's a little golden book is what it is it's one of those little goldens in the sesame series sesame street series and that's the last one of the series obviously you know let's graduate that's graduate course right there before we steal your childhood from you fuck Fuck, man. This book is described as the court to, quote, encouraged uncles, fathers, and grandfathers

to engage in unclassified felony sex acts with their young nieces, daughters, and granddaughters. Wow. Holy shit. I mean, I get freedom of the press. God, but no. This is the anarchist cookbook for child molesters. That's what this is.

And I'm sorry. No. Can we draw? Okay. And I'm sorry. No. Can we draw? OK. I get that the slippery slope thing with free speech, because, hey, look at us. We say a lot of crazy shit. I just I begged for this guy to get stabbed. Obviously, it's satire.

That's fine. And free speech is great and all. But there's certain things that we can go. You can't say that. You can't write a book telling people how to fuck kids. I'm sorry. That's where we draw the line. You want to write a book telling people how to fuck kids. I'm sorry. That's where we draw the line. You want to write a book about how to make bombs?

You know what? There's uses for bombs that aren't fucking horrible. People want to blow a tree stump out of their yard. Some people build roads that way. That's what I mean. They build roads, as we found out. People blow tree stumps out of the yard. They fucking fish with dynamite.

I don't know what the hell they do. That's true. They do. Rednecks are crazy. Whatever it is. Fine. I get why there's a thing for that. I get why all these things exist.

Why does this exist except for people to fuck kids, which we shouldn't be fucking encouraging. I'm sorry. If you put this on a shelf or release this and use it as bait, and the second somebody picks it, they don't even have to buy it. The second they run their finger down the spine of it, we come in with a fucking shock stick, knock them down, drag them outside, beat them to death in the fucking street, and leave them there. Can we have that?

For Christ's sake. Fuck. Or at minimum, just jam some sort of tracking device right up their ass that stays there forever. Jesus. I just, fuck. That's enough. We don't need these people.

We don't need this. And I don't understand how this is a thing. And someone made money off of that, too, which is also disgusting your house is tiny whoever fucking wrote that book i hope it's on fire yeah currently while you're in it you fucking asshole you're a real scumbag yeah i would say so uh so this book i guess it was kind of it was like a blueprint for what he did also all the scenarios set up and all how he did it. He basically just used. So this actually he used this.

This wasn't just like, hey, some light reading. This was like, how to. How do I molest these kids? Let me look it up. Eight year old girl. There's chapter 12. Fucking disgusting wrench in his plumber's tool bag. That's disgusting.

It's disgusting, man. He he ended up pleading no contest about all of this which allowed him to avoid trial but not actually say that he did anything wrong which is i don't know why i would not let him plead shit i'd fucking hang that guy upside down until he says what he did uh the judge said it was uh the worst incestuous case he's ever seen uh at the at sentencing too he said he he tried to say that he was a good father and a good uncle. He tried to say he's a good uncle to kids that he fucking molested. He said he had a successful job.

He supported his family. The judge found that he's a very large risk for, quote, sexual deviancy issues. And he said that that's very hard to treat, obviously, because nothing happened, nothing fixed you in nine years in prison here. If you had that book before you went in, you sure didn't get out and throw it away. Yeah, that's true. And the judge told him, too, unlike a lot of people who come to court and recognize the seriousness of their behavior, he said that Fernandez didn't seem to be aware of

it and wouldn't acknowledge it. He was just like, I'm a good dad. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just a good uncle. Yeah, piece of shit. So they sentenced him to 40 years in prison. Great. So eat dicks, sir.

Earliest possible release for him is 2035. Great. So hopefully then he'll be too old to molest anybody or at least successfully molest anybody. Minimum 24 years. So he's fucked. Yeah. Wow. You're done, mister.

That's a good sentence. For a book. For a book. Meanwhile, the actual act got him nine. he's fucked. Yeah. Wow. You're done, mister. That's a good sentence. For a book. For a book. Meanwhile, the actual act got him nine. That's bullshit. In the end, though, he's going to do at least 32 years, which still isn't enough. I don't know. You can't.

We can't have you out there. Sorry. You are a fucking ticking time bomb. I have no people, whatever, even murderers. I'm like, well, there's situations where you're like i can see what you know it happens i mean yeah the barbara ann peterson where we're going you know why the fucking he shot her why she shot him i see it murder there are some times where murder is like not acceptable but understandable like the chris rock joke with you know i understand it's

one of those things there's never a case for that for this ever this is just we don't need you what perfect we're fucking crowded anyway. One less asshole. Tack him up by his ball back. Done. Yeah. I don't care about this guy at all. Sorry.

So, yeah, he she says Miranda says about this, about him being in and out of jail here. Quote, It's something I've struggled with all my life. He will never change. None of them ever do. The legal system is supposed to protect people from these people. It doesn't. It never protected me, which I could understand her feeling like that. If someone has horribly abuses with you and then they just let them out, you're like, why, why, why are they out? I don't get it. I'm still here. I'm still fucked up. And he gets to walk around. How does that work here? Uh, now her mother, her mother, her mother's a weird one in this case because she tries, but she does not have the wherewithal to help a child who's got problems like this.

She really doesn't. Her father and mother split up, like I said, on and off. And she's left alone a lot with her sister, who's three years older when she's very young. And this is even like just post molestation, like she's five, the sister's eight and they're left alone while the mother goes out with guys. No. And that was kind of what it was because the mother was trying to find somebody. And I don't know if it's hard to find people in the North pole or what, what it is.

But, uh, um, Ashley stated and Ashley later on, we'll, we'll blame everything that happens on her mother. Uh, Ashley,

the older sister will blame all of this on her mother and, uh, Dr. Phil's involved. It's interesting. We'll get this. This story ends up with Dr. Phil in the end. Ashley, the older sister, will blame all of this on her mother, and Dr. Phil's involved. It's interesting. Good Christ. This story ends up with Dr. Phil in the end, so it tells you there. So Ashley said that the mother, Elizabeth, would often invite strange men over while

they were young and ignore the two daughters and leave them alone. Also, wouldn't go out with the men. She'd bring them home, and then they'd go out and leave the two kids by themselves to fend for themselves. The sisters three years old are watching the little sisters. Two kids that are already damaged and you're just abandoning them. And you're abandoning them. And you're bringing strange men in the house. And who knows if, and this is not an insult to anybody,

but it's just a psychological fact. If you have certain things happen to you, you're more likely to bring that sort of element in later on psychologically. And if the sister was married to this molesting asshole, who knows what they went through as kids, which would make them be attracted to terrible people. So who knows who she's bringing home? You know what I mean? Like, you never know if who knows what would happen in the past there. You know what I mean? Like, you never know if who knows what happened in the past there. Now, Miranda says violent emotions began to rise up to the surface around 10 years old around this time.

2004 ish. I can see it. No shit. Right. Can you imagine? I mean, you got to be pissed off about everything. Everybody is awful to you. And you just hate them all.

I would think. And even like as a kid, just living in North Pole, Alaska would be enough to make you pissy. Honestly, it would make you rebellious. But if you add in all these other factors, it's like, holy shit. Living in that shithole frozen tundra and you watch TV and you see palm trees and people in bikinis and you're like, when do I get to do that? There's just nothing to go to. I never understood.

People who grow up in the middle of nowhere. I always find that fascinating. Not like in a weird way, but like fascinating because you don't have, like, I grew up an hour from New York City. So it's like, there's New York and you go down to New York, you go to Yankee games. And if you want to go to the city, get on the train, it's right there. That's New York. So it was like, yeah, everybody lives right on the top of a big city. And then when you grow up later and you're like, oh no, not everybody.

Nobody does that. Nobody does that. Nobody does that. There's people who live four hours from Pittsburgh and two and a half hours from Pennsylvania or live in the North Pole, Alaska. There's a huge population of the country that doesn't live anywhere near there. That's just it. Yeah. As a kid, you don't realize. You just think everyone lives around you.

And then you're like, oh, wait, no, people are everywhere. And I don't understand how, as a kid, you would have hope living in the North Pole. I don't know. I'm going to get to there. There's nowhere to get to. Are we going to get Anchorage? I'm going to get to Juneau someday, I swear to Christ. If I can get down to that syphilitic dick tail of Sitka, Alaska, where we had an old episode.

There's also the portion of everything's so weird in that you see the northern lights. That stuff happens. Beautiful. It's gorgeous up there. It's daylight all day long for six months of the year there's so many weird things that happen there that don't happen other places yeah and you just assume that that's what life is like everybody right yeah so bizarre and it's not uh at all no so she said her violent violent streak her violent emotions as she called it uh first rose to the surface, like I said, at the age of 10. At first in the form of a dream about her pet bird, Henry, who she loved, Henry.

Henry was a yellow parakeet. Beautiful. Just a little girl, a little yellow parakeet. That's cute. That's adorable. And she says, quote, I had this little yellow bird named Henry I kept in a cage in my room. I kept dreaming that I had killed it. At the time, I couldn this little yellow bird named Henry I kept in a cage in my room. I kept dreaming that I had killed it.

At the time, I couldn't understand why because I loved that bird. So she's 10 years old. She's having violent dreams about killing her beloved pet, which has to freak a 10-year-old out, I would imagine. And she doesn't know why. She doesn't know why she's fucked up. As a kid, you don't understand how trauma causes being fucked up. And her mom tried. She sent her to therapy.

But Miranda, it didn't help her very much. She's too young. She's too young and she figures out at an early age how to manipulate around therapy and how to manipulate her way through it so everyone thinks she's fine and she can move on. That's the problem. When you hate somebody in your life that close and you feel like they owe you something and they're not getting what you feel like they're owed, you start to manipulate until you get the little things back, until you feel like you start getting paid back for what you're missing.

In all honesty, that's never going to fix it. No. You have to grow as a human being and get to a point where it's not necessarily even forgiveness. It's closure and moving on. It's about you. You have to close it for you. You have to grow.

Forgiveness. You have to almost cut that off. It's not forgiveness. It's just growing to be beyond it and be better than that and not let it be you. And that's a shitload of therapy. It's so hard. And not, what for you, hundreds of hours of therapy? Hundreds.

Yeah. For this girl, it's spotty therapy with her kind of half-assed mom sort of taking her in between dates and her manipulating her way out of it. And the problem is then you start to resent your mother and everybody close by. And it sucks. Because they didn't protect you. Exactly. How would you not be mad at them?

Exactly. You're five houses away. Horrible things are happening to me. It's worse when it's in the next bedroom. It you. Exactly. How would you not be mad at them? Exactly. You're five houses away. Right. Horrible things are happening to me. It's worse when it's in the next bedroom. It's fucked up. That's what I mean. It's so horrible.

Anything like that. It's fucking disgusting and horrible, and I can't imagine how people wouldn't feel like that. She says that the dreams begot so bad they became night terrors, which I don't know if you know night terrors, when you're frozen in fucking bed and you can't move. That's what she had. Or you wake up freaking the fuck out. one yeah she had both she said she was just having these horrible nightmares and wow like i said as a parent you'd have to feel terrible you couldn't

protect this child and now she's having this trauma and it's got to be you want to oh that's terrible uh now uh one morning she awoke to discover that her bird was dead and it had been not just natural causes. It had been killed, obviously, by something. She said she remembers staring at her hands and sobbing like, yeah, like she didn't. She knows that she did it. Yeah. She said, quote, I knew I had done it, but I couldn't remember why.

That was the first time that I began to understand that something was broken inside of me. I had this dark rage that was pushing uh pushing to be released out into the world which is fucking dangerous when you hear someone with that kind of fuel inside and they're like that's ready to be released into the world you're like oh that's a lot to be released take it down a notch the gourney weaver yeah let's calm down glenn close let's fucking relax okay because this is getting you're gonna shit's gonna get crazy yeah very fucking soon here uh so that whenever you hear anybody with that sort of fuel like i said she's got a big reservoir yeah of a tank of rage fuel and she is like i'm gonna spray this shit everywhere

like a flamethrower see who uh gets hit it doesn't matter and and you can't even the sad part is you can't even blame her no that's the thing you can't be like the sad part is you can't even blame her. No. That's the thing. You can't be like, oh, what's wrong? Get over it. It's not like that. It's not a little get over it. It's the worst phrase you can say to somebody that's got that kind of damage. Yeah.

There's nothing you can say other than it's going to take years of hard, hard work to feel better, which doesn't feel good when someone's like, I don't feel good. Make it stop. And you go, it'll take years of hard, And it's going to be more painful in the process. It is. It's going to be painful and painful. And then maybe eventually you'll feel a little bit. But I can't guarantee anything.

That's a hard process to set yourself forth in. And any time that there's any sort of loss in your life, you're going to feel like it's a slight against you on everybody else's part. You're never going to be better. But, you know, years and years, you might be a little bit better. We'll find out. So that's a hard thing to say to people. It really is. So she says she had a relatively normal childhood outside of the molestation and the mother

kind of going back and forth. But I mean, normal in the range of normal. Nobody. She wasn't horribly abused. She didn't get like moved all over the place as a young child or like, you know, by her parents. She wasn't horribly abused. Obviously, Uncle Rick is another story.

She says that she thought her parents did the best they could under the circumstances, their circumstances and hers. She says that obviously she thinks that her uncle created this darkness in her, which clearly she said, quote, I think he created a monster inside of me. It's always there, which is frightening when you think of a little girl. It's murdering her pets and has this dark rage that she can't wait to release out into the world. It's like the scariest thing to hear on a first date. I would say there's this monster inside of me.

It's always there. So where do you work? How's your rice like no that's not what is the fish dry because mine's a little dry i'm gonna be honest with you wait a second hold on you got a few bones in my salmon you go to back wait a second monster inside of you yeah monster this is see it's dry you want to bite try some i got the risotto i should have got the baked potato i'm gonna be with you, because that looks pretty good. Does that mean it's like in an oven, right?

That's a good one. I can tell it's soft inside. The skin's a little crispy. This risotto is overcooked. I'm going to be honest with you right now. No, no, I said monster inside. Inside of me, yeah. No, what?

You didn't hear me? It's a monster inside. It's growing. It's always there. I don't know. I want to release it. I don't know. Can we get the check?

What are they, a dessert? Bring out the tray, maybe? I don't know. It's a very uncomfortable first date. I think she's just flirting real I don't know. I want to release it. I don't know. Can we get the check? What are they? A dessert? Bring out the tray, maybe? I don't know. It's a very uncomfortable first date. I think she's just flirting real strong and being dirty. She got a monster inside of her. She got a monster nose on D. Jesus Christ.

That was gross. That was gross. Jimmy, by the way, clarification, because people will say, he said that about a little girl. He's not saying that about a little girl. I'm saying that about an adult on a first date. He's saying that about a fictitious woman on a first date whose fish is a little dry. That's what he's talking about.

So that's what he's talking about. Who hates overcooked risotto. Who hates it. Just fucking to spot. Small town murder. Overcooked risotto. Not small town murder approved. Not small town murder approved. Not small town murder approved.

Stir that risotto. Stir it good. Don't overcook it. This is funny. This is ridiculous. What a mess, man. What a mess here. So, yeah, she's got a monster inside of her, which makes sense considering, like I said,

the judge said it was the most physically extreme case of abuse he had ever seen it was his exact words the mother elizabeth said quote i never let her stay anywhere except for my sister's house and i was devastated when i found out obviously so she's got all of these things brewing this is a this is a cocktail this is more this is more like a cappuccino like it really is and whatever there's foam going and there's fucking other shit working. You're pressing fucking. There's so much happening right now. Steam's coming out. There's a cup with the froth and the thing. It's like Willy Wonka's car.

It's exactly what it's like. It's a perfect way to put it. There's fucking accordion things going up and down. Steam's coming out. Wheels are fucking, one's bigger than the other. And then whipped cream hits you in the fucking face. Jesus Christ. That is horrible. So all of this horrible shit has happened to her and there are consequences for that like we've said there's a monster inside of her and how does she express this oh well at the age of 12 she joins a satanic cult which is one of the i guess that's one of the

ways you express your your monster inside of you i don't know that's uh they all have one too it's one way to do it yeah everyone everyone in there probably has a monster inside of them i feel like like-minded like exactly and i don't know if you're into satan maybe you don't have a monster inside of you because it's a weird thing but if you hear like the people who are like modern day satanists and shit like they're like, look, man, this is we'll get into what they're about because they're just like, no, no, we're not like fucking worship the devil. Like, you know, believe in yourself and shit like it's really weird.

We'll get into some quotes later. Look, man. Look, dude. Listen, bro. I feel like that's how they start their pitch. Listen, you've got a penistar on your forehead. Listen, bro. All right.

Check it out. She says about the cult quote i kind of slid into it but they weren't just into satan no which is good uh they were also into hating minorities too so that's i like the fact that she was also and uh yeah she is uh hating minorities is what they also are into so it's not all bad she's saying look i get the satan stuff's a little dark but we're also hate mexicans so i mean there's that not all bad like she's saying. Look, I get the Satan stuff's a little dark, but we're all so hate Mexicans, so I mean, there's that. It's not all bad. That's how she put it, though. I mean, that's good, right?

We're all supposed to get together and hate minorities. That's fine. The rest of it, though, is a little shady. I mean, Satan and all that. There's a lot of fellowship in hate and war. Yeah, that's how it works. She said that Satanism was such a positive influence in her life. She said it really was.

It helped her to harness the darkness inside of her. She said, quote, I worship a dark entity, but just because it is dark doesn't mean that it is bad, obviously. So, duh. Fucking duh. That's a lot of effort to hate Jesus. You even hate the

ethnic minorities that name their children Jesus. Yeah, yeah. They hate you, too. That's why she hates them. Yeah. They're naming their kids Jesus. We've got to stop this now. Damn it, they're going to spread it. That is so much effort.

You have to name it Satan, I think, instead. And then she'd be thrilled with it here. So she says this teenage year she's in a satanic cult. She hates minorities, and she's in and out of treatment facilities like crazy both for mental issues and because by 13 she's hooked on heroin. Wow. So now molestation, Satan, heroin.

This is a fucking dead bird. She's 13 so far. This is where we're at right here. So as you can imagine the story gets a little wilder than this. What was the gateway drug that got her to heroin? Did she just go right to heroin i think yeah i think people she was hanging out with were into heroin and she was like that looks good i'm in i mean i'm in yeah i mean i don't know how much gateway you'd have time for it 13 that's my point it's like that's

a fucking really narrow fucking she didn't go up the line she didn't like have some booze smoke some weed drop some acid eat some mushrooms have. Yeah, maybe she snorted a line once and she did that. And she's like, can I jam that in my arm? She was like, heroin, yeah, that sounds good. That's the one. They were like, you got a monster inside you? I got the cure right here. And she was like, no, right here, jack me up. Chase this

dragon. Let's do it. She grew up struggling with drugs all through her teenage years and obviously behavioral issues. Her father says, quote, Miranda lives in a fantasy world made up in her own mind. She craves attention, is selfish, dishonest and manipulative. That's her father said that about her. Fucking one star.

That's yeah, that's a bad Yelp review right there. That's worse than the people's review of this town. That's that's my review of my daughter. North Pole, Alaska is this and my, manipulative, liar, dishonest. My goodness. He just said terrible person, which is awful to say about your daughter, but a lot of it's true, as we'll find out. Also, Dad, that's kind of your bad.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Dad, if I can step up then. Yeah, I don't know. Protect your daughter from five houses down. Give a damn. So she apparently at this point would start to run away for periods of time. When she's 12, 13, in and out of treatment, hooked on the junk.

She's got all this fucking problems. She's hooked on the junk, man. I thought you were going to say hooked on the jizz. She's not hooked on any jizz. Or Jesus, for that matter, as we know. It's just junk, as we'll call it. This is the 40s now, I guess. So she would tell her mother, the first time she ran away, she told her mother.

Her mother said, you know, where were you? Obviously, it's a pretty normal question you'd ask your 13-year-old daughter who just came home. Normal. She tells her mother calmly that she spent her time as a runaway prostituting herself to survive. That's what she tells her mother at 13. She's honest. Yes. She also claims, she says this very matter-of-factly.

Dad says I'm dishonest, so I'm just going to go ahead and get right. I'm going to be super honest. I've been prostituting myself. Not only that, I met an older man in my travels in the satanic group here, an older man named Forrest, who is now my ruler, is what she tells her mother. She says it's a guy who's like kind of one of the leaders of the cult. Yeah. So came home.

Hi, mom. Good to see you again. Yeah, I got back. No, no, I've been eating and stuff. I brought my sweater, but I have been prostituting myself to survive. And now I am now owned by an older satanic leader. That's a problem. He's my ruler. He's my ruler.

He's my ruler, actually. You know that parent handbook where number one fear is your child gets molested, and then number two is joins cult, is a prostitute, and is hooked on heroin? Ruled by an older man, yeah. I'm going down the checklist. We're going down the checklist. First ballot Hall of Fame mom, worst mom ever. Good job.

Good job. A1. Great parenting great parenting for effort right so uh forest is her ruler uh now uh her mother says quote i asked her what the hell she was talking about which this seems fair i'd say that's the first question what the hell are you talking about forest is your ruler what the fuck is happening to you? Insane. So she says, and she told me that this man owns her and she has to do whatever he says. Quote, she said he branded her by carving a swastika on the back of her neck and his name on her thigh. At 13 years old, she has satanic carvings. Now, the mother says, quote, while I don't recall exactly what the carvings were, I can

confirm that she showed me very large cuts on her thighs and other part of her body as well. They were not all straight lines. She told me they were related to the gang she was a part of. I didn't take note of it. I just, I don't know. You know how it is when your kid's got fucking knife wounds all over him. You don't take notice of shapes, really. How much of a Holocaust denier do you have to be to actually act like you don't know what a swastika is?

I don't know. I don't recall. You've seen that before. And I can't read the word forest, apparently, either. That's a problem. Now, the father says that once, quote, once all this stuff with drugs started happening, we locked our house down. Which, they locked our house down to the point where she had to just run away for days at a time and join cults that way. So the father's trying to act like he really he laid the law down, which he didn't.

And then he ended up moving to Florida. So I'm starting to see something, though, like she tells and her sister tells what happened. Yeah, this guy goes to jail. Then they lock the house down and make her live in a. She feels like she was the one that was punished for what happened to her. Well, yeah. That's what she feels like. Yeah, well, they'll lock the house down

after she said, I did a bunch of heroin. Oh, okay. It wasn't before. He said, once all the drugs... Oh, gotcha. She came home and was like, yeah, I'm in a cult and I do a bunch of heroin and I've been prostituting myself.

He's like, lock the fucking door. Lock it up. Check the back fucking door she's gonna get she knows where the back door jesus fucking christ bars on the window come on god damn it so that's what ends up happening but still she probably still feels like that though that like you know now she feels like i can fucking take care of myself obviously i made it through being all this molested with nobody fucking helping me in the justice system, not locking this asshole up. So I got to take matters into my own hands.

And no one's going to fuck with me if Forrest and his knife are next to me. So that's. And I just did all the most horrible things in the world, minus murdering somebody or touching children. And I made it back home safe. Yeah, here I am. I did all the most dangerous lifestyle and I'm back home. So I'm fine.

Now, her father said, quote, but she was able to talk the doctors into letting her out of treatment. She is very good at manipulating people. She is the most manipulative person I have ever known. That's her father, who's like 50 years old at that time, has never met a more manipulative person, which is frightening here. There's a friend of hers talks about how her parents tried to keep her in the behavioral center to try to fucking help

her I guess now her friend says quote she would run off for a little while her parents would go and look for her and she would turn up a couple days later and then they'd put her into the North Star for drug and behavioral issues she was in and out of there throughout her teenage years so that's all it was it was just a cycle

you come back. We put you in the center. You talk to the doctors into letting you out. You come home. You fucking escape. You know, it's just over and over. A door system that doesn't work. That's it right here.

Her friend said, quote, I put it down to her having a rough childhood. She hit her teenage years and she faced the normal peer pressures. I don't think she got the help she needed at North Star. Clearly not. And we'll find out from the story. Definitely not. And we'll find out from the story. Definitely not. Oh, boy. She was a girl at the time, a woman now, who shared a room with her at this North Star center.

She said about Miranda, quote, she's definitely intelligent. She observes people. When I was in the treatment facility, she would intuitively understand aspects of my personality that a lot of others, including doctors, wouldn't notice. understand aspects of my personality that a lot of others, including doctors, wouldn't notice. So they say she's very smart, and if you're manipulative and you're that kind of person, you do pick up on shit like that. Those people are the most intuitive about shit, because they have to be, because they're predators.

I mean, that's just the way it is. Yeah, that's the only way they can get people into their web. Now, all of this, during all of this, the father ends up moving to Florida. The parents separate permanently, and the father moves to Florida, which I love this, what we've been calling this. Florida is the thawed out Alaska. That's what it is. That's what we found out. We discovered that.

And we're like, holy shit, it's perfect. There's fugitives and molesters and weirdos, and that's where people go to run? Right. It's perfect. Alaska is frozen Florida. That's it. Yeah, I swear to Christ. If it warms up, they'd stick a Disney World in there is frozen Florida. That's it. Yeah. I swear to Christ. If it warms up, they'd stick a Disney World in there in three fucking seconds flat if

it warmed up. I swear to Christ. A caribou is an Alaskan gator. That's what it is. That's exactly what it is. Perfect. So, Elizabeth stays with the daughters in Alaska here. Now, she at this point, now the father's gone too, she starts hanging out with with a bunch of older guys because the cult, shockingly enough, isn't 13 year old.

No bunch of older dudes who are more than happy to take in a stray 13 year old that they can have sex with and drug up on heroin. So this isn't a story about the devil's little rascals. No, no, no. Sadly, no. Her mother said, quote, she would be gone for days at a time. I would be out on the streets looking for her. She said she'd come home with stories that were hard to believe, which I think I believe a lot that she says at this point. She said that she would be cutting herself at this point.

Miranda did. She said, quote, one time she cut herself so deep it was to the tissue, which is fucking horrible. So they end up. Yeah. So she end up. Yeah. So she ends up in Florida for a little while with her father. Can you imagine? Yeah. That's how much pain she has.

That's how much pain she has and how much anger she has. And that's how she's expressing it. That's that's that's deep. That's a that's a deep expression. When you cut that deep, it widens. Yeah. It's so bad. She's doing that.

So shitty. It's fucking awful. Don's doing that. It's so shitty. It's fucking awful. Don't do that, people. Stop that. That's not, doesn't, I know that's not possible. Stop doing it. Yeah, that's not going to help. They realize that that's not supposed to, but.

God damn it, stop it. Please, for your own good. She moved with her father for Florida briefly, and her father said, crying, quote, she would walk on the docks and piers and smoke weed and sleep with all the guys she could. So that's it. Her father would go out and look for her and try to find her all the time, and she'd find her walking around the piers looking for sailors. It's like, holy shit.

Imagine at the Florida piers, the sleaze that you're going to encounter there. Now, she never mentioned, Miranda never mentioned to her roommate in the North Star facility, the guy forest. She never mentioned his name, but said she had an older boyfriend in the cult whose name she wouldn't divulge to her. I don't know why. She said that Miranda told Alex that her family had given up on her and there wasn't anything that helps her. And all she ever does is pretend to be happy. All this says monster inside of me that's waiting to fucking get out.

Did you say where at in Florida? Is it like Tampa area like that side? I don't know exactly. I'm not sure. It's all shit. Doesn't matter. Doesn't fucking matter. I'm just wondering is it like. I hope it wasn't like Jacksonville. Right. Around there. Is it like Fort Lauderdale ports or like the Gulf side? We're going to go with the

Gulf side. This is some Gulf shit here. It's St. Pete. Oh, Jesus Christ. Damn Clearwater. It's at this point that Miranda claims that she has become pregnant by a member of the cult. Okay. She says that the other cult members didn't want her to have the baby. She says, so they, this is her story.

They tied her to the bed. This is a teenage girl tied her to the bed gave her drugs and performed what she called a gruesome in-house abortion which sounds fucking terrible and horrific and i would feel much hard more horrible even saying that if it was true uh because it's not true it's a complete lie she made it up as soon as she came home told her mother that her, her mother, like a normal person, said we're going to the doctor. And the doctor said, yeah, she's never been pregnant. She's not had a gruesome anything. She's

completely fine. I don't know what she's talking about. This is a total lie. None of that stuff happened in there, basically, is what he said. Thank God. Thank God, yeah. But I mean, that's a crazy thing to fucking make up, but she's looking for attention. What's a gruesome abortion? That's what I mean. A gruesome in-house abortion.

Sounds like at least there'd be some sort of something for a doctor to figure out afterwards. Right. Like Dennis Tools from- Something, yeah. From Little Shop of Horrors. Sprinkler key jammed up in there still. We found this in there. I don't know if that's okay.

Somebody with a Kirby just sucking shit out of there. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's- Somebody with a Flobie. It's even worse. This whole thing here, the parents are divorced. She says, Miranda says, I'm sorry, her friend says about it, quote, her parents splitting up didn't help her at all. She didn't really have anywhere to go.

I think her mother wanted her to do her own thing. I don't know what that means exactly. Her father is a good guy, but he was living in Texas because he moved from Florida to Texas. So, yeah, it's tough. It's very, very tough. She says now she ends up moving away from Florida, and that is because the courts end up moving her. And we'll get to that in a minute, why that ended up happening. But when she did leave, she had to get out of the cult.

It's like a gang, I guess. Blood in, blood out. Blood in, blood out. And the only way, there's two ways to get out of the cult, apparently. You can either be killed or gang raped. Bad options. Those are the only things. Those are not good options.

Those are both terrible options. You're waiting for the third one. You're nodding like, and, or. And the easy way is? There's a fine I can pay, maybe? There's some paperwork I can do for you guys. Some dues I can pay for a while. Something like that.

I'm pretty good at drawing. I can make you guys a logo. Make a donation in your name. I can make you some merch, maybe. I don't know what to tell you. Call the telethon for Jerry and say in the satanic cult's name. Maybe. She chose gang rape because she's still alive for the story.

And Jimmy just laughed at gang rape. But that's ridiculous to say. What a terrible, terrible answer. And we don't even know if that's true either. This is all gray area. A lot of the things she says later in a little bit are even crazier than this. Great. Even more hard to believe.

She actually said she had some good times as a child in Alaska. First of all, she had a really good time in middle school because she went to school in Wasilla, Alaska. If that sounds familiar to you, if you're American, that is where Sarah Palin, the ex-vice presidential candidate, came from. That's where she spies on Russia from. That's exactly right. And shoots wolves from helicopters. She apparently went to Miranda, went to middle school with Willow Palin, one of Sarah Palin's daughters. And she hated her.

And she says at one point here, this is she says very excitedly in an interview, quote, Willow was standing in my locker. I always hated her. She wouldn't move. So I punched her in the face and got suspended, which is hilarious for some reason. And you all just laughed at a 12-year-old girl being punched in the face. But it's fucking funny for some reason. Because it's a Palin. Yeah.

A 12-year-old got punched by another 12-year-old. By another 12-year-old girl. So it's cool. Yeah, it wasn't like a 30-year-old man came up and hit her. That would be terrible. That's awful. And we do not condone that at all of anybody's children. I don't care how awful their parents are. A 30-year-old man's got a 12-year-old man came up and hit her, that would be terrible, and we do not condone that at all. Of anybody's children, I don't care how awful their parents are.

But if a 30-year-old man's got a 12-year-old daughter, knock that little girl out. Knock this, yeah, punch her, because that's kind of funny. Because how much force was really behind it, you know what I mean? Right. I mean, it wasn't that bad. It made it pink and made it sting. She went, ow. Right, that's it.

There was no blood. So, no, they each weighed 80 pounds. How hard is it? It's like a, so yeah. I was just going for this analogy and I'm like, I'm not going to make that. I came up with three of them and I'm like, that's no, that's no good either. No, that's going to be awful and sound terrible. We're justifying a 12 year old getting socked up.

We're justifying why we're laughing at a 12 year old. We're not justifying that it happened. We're justifying why it's funny. And you all laughed, too. So, sorry. You know you did. Yeah. You know you did.

2011. 2011, she becomes pregnant again, but for real. For real. Seriously, the first time now. What she says is again, but this is the first time. She says that it's Forrest, who is now the number two leader in the cult. You have to go down the scale of your president,

then your vice president, then your treasurer. Eventually you're doing recruiting, and then you're back up to president again in a few years. It's very nice. It's a pyramid scheme. It's a pyramid scheme. It's like direct marketing. It's that sort of thing. Twelve underneath you. That's what it is. Exactly.

She says that Forrest is the baby's father, but that doesn't matter anyway because he was murdered. So, sorry. He's murdered now. So, I don't know what to tell you. He's gone. Miranda's mother, on the other hand, after she had the baby, said, quote, he's not dead about Forrest.

He's not dead. He's actually trying to contact her, trying to find out where the baby went the whole time she's been pregnant and left Alaska. Wow. So not dead at all. She made that up. Now, March 2012 is when she had to leave Alaska, like we were talking about, and get out of the cult in the way she said.

This is a court order. The court orders her to be placed in the custody of her uncle while she's pregnant here. Because she had... No, not that uncle. Okay. This is a different uncle. Okay. This. Yeah, exactly. I know you were like, oh, no, not Rick. They gave her to Rick in prison. It's just her and they share a cell. Oh, boy. No, they give it.

This is a completely different uncle. How bad of a life would that mom have to be providing that they're like, she's going to live in the prison with this guy? With the molester guy. Don't worry. He's got a book. It's fine.

No. Fucking horrible. He knows what he's doing. It's fine. How terrible is that? No. Holy shit. Different people.

He says he's got a book on how to be a better uncle. He said he's a great uncle. You heard him in court. He's a good father, great uncle, family man. I don't know. Holy shit. So this guy, this is crazy because the I don't know. So, this guy, this is crazy because the court orders

her into this, but this guy is the complete opposite. This is her mother's brother, and he is as square as square comes. He lives in North Carolina, and his name is Arlen Fletcher. Arlen Fletcher from North Carolina, how you doing? It's near Coates, North Carolina. Arlen Fletcher, Coates, North Carolina, how you doing?

You gonna be at church this week? Because we're going to have a heck of a service there. I'll tell you, boy, I'll tell you what. It's going to be something special. That's Arlen Fletcher. He's got a flat top. He's got a fucking plaid shirt with suspenders that actually hold his pants up. They're not fashionable.

He needs to hold his pants up. Those pants are a little big. Yeah. You never know. Maybe he's going to have a big meal. He doesn't want to fucking have to buy new pants. That's how Arlen operates. Also, his closet looks like Jim Varnia's Ernest closet.

Yeah, exactly. Same stupid fishing hat. It's 13 of that stupid shirt, 13 of those stupid pants. And his best friend's name is Vern, so it actually works out very well. That's a very old reference from a childhood commercial. He was amazing. Vern? So anyway, Ernest was good shit.

The guy was a comic. He was a. Burn? So anyway, Ernest was good shit. The guy was a comic. He was a fantastic comic. And then he developed that stupid shit and made a billion dollars. That was actually a marketing company came up with Ernest as an advertisement for some local business somewhere. And then the character blew up. And then I think it was Sprite. He was on Sprite commercials or something.

And they bought it. Next thing you know, he's in five fucking movies. And then he dies of cancer. All equally awful. All equally awful. And then he dies of cancer. Yes, that's true. Ernest Goes to Jail, though, super rad movie. I love that movie. Ernest Goes to Jail. There's a lot. You can watch the Ernest movies. They're fucking watchable.

Ernest Goes to Camp is definitely the best one. They're definitely watchable. That's sad. I remember sitting as a kid just sitting there watching the damn Ernest. Eating a devil dog and watching Ernest. And I love them. Devil dog is an actual thing. They are beautiful.

Drake's cakes. That's the one thing I can't wait to be in New York because I get Drake's. I get coffee cakes and I get my favorite thing in the world which is devil dogs. They don't sell them anywhere. You can get them online. Shipping's insane and I'm like, I can't afford devil dogs. Why can't I afford devil dogs are terrible they don't sell them anywhere i know fucking new york you can get them online yeah the shipping's insane and i'm like i can't afford devil dogs why can't i afford more than the devil i literally can't afford drake's cakes that's fucking terrible i want them and i can't have them so in new york i will have them fantastic so she says here she leaves

the cult she goes to north carolina she's pregnant as shit. She says that when she left Alaska, she was a high-ranking official in the satanic world. Now she's just, you know, she says now, though, when she got to North Carolina, she's trying to turn her life around. Got it. Which, good for her. And it looks like she is turning her life around. There's very little Satan involved. Great. She doesn't run away.

She doesn't do heroin. Good steps. I don't know what it is about Arlen, but Arlen harnesses the best in this girl, at least for a little bit here. She's pregnant. She gives birth to her baby girl. Okay. Her name is Aria.

And it's funny, too, because there's pictures. I found Facebook pictures of her at her Uncle Arlen's wedding, and she looks bright and cheery. She doesn't look like she's like satany at all. She doesn't look like she's got you know she's on the judge. She doesn't look like she's like on the shit. Like she's not doing like a dope fiend lean in her chair. She's just happy

like hey we're having a good time. There's no monster inside me. No monster. Monster's gone now. But so she has that. She settles in with her family. She enrolls in college. Weird. There's a picture of her pregnant petting a horse, which is the most innocent picture I could possibly see. It's this pregnant woman petting a horse.

She looks as innocent as possible. Also shit parenting. You got to get away from horses when you're pregnant. Probably. What if that thing kicks you? She's petting its face here anyway. So after she gives birth, she posts lots of pictures on Facebook of her daughter like a normal mom would.

You do that. Like I said, she enrolled in college courses, which you would never expect out of her. She gets a job at a grocery store. She's doing well. This is good. That's why you sent her there. Union work, babe. That's awesome.

This is exactly what you wanted her to do. Go there. Don't do heroin. Stop walking around the docks. Fucking have your baby. Get a job. Go to college. Figure out how to raise your girl.

That's what you want out of this girl. And then she meets a guy. She meets a guy. The guy, though, has a pregnant girlfriend also, which is weird. She has her baby. And then she meets 22-year-old. Now, his name, I'm going to spell it because it's the stupidest goddamn spelled name ever. E-L-Y-T-T-E.

Okay. Elite? Elite? Elite? Elite? Elite? Elite? Someone tried to spell elite and fucked it all up.

It's either that or somebody's like, we're elite. I don't think so. What was that movie? I don't think anyone in Coates, North Carolina believes they're elite. I think it was Hackers. That was the group that they were. They called themselves, we're elite. It was stupid.

It was a dumb movie. He nicknames himself, though, so I don't think they named him. I don't think it's anything good. He doesn't like it. I don't think it's elite, and he thinks it's cool because he nicknames himself, or other people nickname him Elf. Oh, boy. So he goes by Elf.

Everyone calls him Elf. He's a little tiny guy, too. Not Elf size, but he's a shorter guy. He's my size. Yeah, too. Not Elf size, but he's a shorter guy. He's my size. Yeah, he's not 18 inches high. You picture him like, hey, how you doing? He pops, how you doing? I'm Elf.

Good to meet you. She was like, I can't resist it. You can call me Elf. She's like, at least he won't hurt me. I can tell that because I can pick him up and put him in my pocket if I want to for later. Just fold him up and put him in the fridge if I need to. She moved from the North Pole all the way across the country to find a guy named Elf.

That's fantastic. Isn't that amazing? That is awesome. Couldn't find him in the North Pole. What an amazing story. Yeah, so she starts liking him. She befriended his girlfriend. That's how she meets him.

His girlfriend's name is Amy. She is also pregnant, like I said. And the three of them start to hang out together because she's pregnant. She just had a baby. They're all about the same age. This is not a huge town. You hang out with who you hang out with. Also, too, they just moved from another town, the Elfins.

The Elfins just moved here. It's a long trip. Yes. He is Elf Barber, by the way, is his last name. You might recognize what's going to end up happening here. It's a long trip. He is Elf Barber, by the way, is his last name. You might recognize what's going to end up happening here. As you can see. They just moved here. Elf is a

Triton High School graduate in 2010, so he's only like 20 years old and she's about 18. Now, Amy, the girlfriend, the pregnant girlfriend of Elf, Hi, I'm Elf's girlfriend. That's a weird thing to say. She describes Miranda as, quote, obsessed with sex and deeply disdainful of obesity.

My lady. Which is like, she sounds like a bro. Yeah. Dude, like, I know guys like that. Yeah. They're like, yeah, I love pussy. Not that fat ass girl pussy. I don't love it.

That's her. Yeah. She's a douche at this point i know she's had a hard life and she's a victim but she's turned into a douchebag i'm sorry she's kind of a douche at this point uh she says amy says that miranda hated overweight people quote with a fiery passion my god sounds like i don't hate anything besides american airlines and skip Bayless with a fiery passion. And kid touchers. And kid touchers, obviously. I've met things in my realm. Oh, okay. Kid touchers, obviously. That goes without saying. That's not in your bubble? I try

not to. I don't associate with a lot of kid touchers. Does that happen in your orbit? No, not usually. I try to avoid them. Should I start hanging out? I've got to find the kid toucher bars. I don't know where to find those exactly. I'm out of the loop here. I have a feeling Skip Bayless knows. He fucking definitely knows that frosty-haired douchebag asshole. That's right, Skip Bayless.

You almost called him Spit Bayless. No, I almost called him Spit Bayless. Okay. Actually. Jesus, James. You know what? That'd be great because that would be an insult to him. He would hate that.

He doesn't want to be called that. I wouldn't say that anyway, but also not in my wheelhouse. So anyway, she also says, Amy, about Miranda, quote, I know Miranda loved sex, sex and sexual things. We were all together one time and she was touching hot wax and began to moan like she was having an orgasm. Yes. Which is interesting. And to these young North Carolinians, that's a little out of the norm for them. Put in a satanic cult.

She's pretty normal at that point. She's kind of a prude, I think, considered at that point. Now, she, this is great. Amy tries to, she says that Elf was also in a satanism also. Of course. But not that much. But Amy tries, she's going to tell you what it's all about, okay? It's not about Satan here? It's not about Satan.

Here it's not even about hating minorities apparently in the South. She says, quote That's a given. That's a given. Quote, Satanism isn't about being scary. It's about believing in yourself and not oppressing the instincts you were born with, which sounds exactly like Hulkamania. I think that's the same

tenets of Hulkamania, I believe, if I'm not mistaken. So Satan mania is running wild. I think that's the same tenets of Hulkamania, I believe, if I'm not mistaken. So, Satan mania is running wild. I believe it's say your prayers, eat your vitamins, believe in yourself, believe in the power of Hulkamania. I believe that's pretty much the same thing. Believe in yourself, believe in the power of Satan. Same shit. So, Hulkamania got his tenets from

Satan. So, fucking Hulk Hogan. Evil. Think about that next time you see him out there at a commercial or something for whatever the fuck he does. 1-800-LOEMARK that's what i mean who knows what the hell he's doing nowadays next time you see him out there saying brother every other word think about that shit think about you could see his eyes just think about them being red yeah yeah satan satan hogan that hulk hulkamania was written in red too it. It was. It's chicken blood. Across his chest. That's chicken blood. He knew. He knew.

Pocket full of bones. And it's all smeared, too, like you would. It's the beginning of his career. Little known fact about Hulk Hogan. He used to come to the ring just with a bunch of chicken bones on a string in his pocket that he would rattle and shake at people. And they said, that's a little odd. People are taking that. It's a bit much.

Maybe put the chicken bones away, And then he became a huge star. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. So that's what it was there. What a story. So Miranda's mom says that at this point, she liked Elliot. She liked Elf Elliot. I don't think that's his name.

She liked Elf and told her mom about Elf and said that Elf likes Satanism. So that's cool. She's telling her mom, he's into Satan, so that's a cool thing. So that's a plus. Well, you know, he's enrolled in school. That's nice. You know, his family's really nice. He likes Satan, so that's something.

That shows we have a future. We have things in common, Mom. Like what? Satanism? Yeah, exactly. The mother said that Miranda said, quote, Mom, I can't put him on the panel because they won't let me. The panel of the say she wants to get Elf into the group and they won't let her put him on the panel.

Friars Club. I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm sorry. You're not famous enough to join the Friars Club. It's not going to work. So. So now by the middle of or by March of 2013, Amy and Elf break up. And Amy says that is, quote, because there were rumors he was cheating on me with Miranda.

Rumors. Damn it. Yeah. So they broke up. So he breaks up with his pregnant girlfriend to be with Miranda, who has just had a baby. So he is just really, really embracing the culture down there in rural North Carolina. That's good for you, buddy. Nice job.

They end up living together here for the next couple of years until they end up moving to Pennsylvania. But we'll get there. They live there in North Carolina. They left in the spur of the moment. Yeah. Okay. October 22nd, 2013, Elf and Miranda get married out of nowhere. They elope.

Don't tell shit. They don't tell anybody. They elope. Three days later, on the 25th of October, they quit their jobs. He was a dishwasher at a restaurant, and she was the clerk at a grocery store. And they move to central Pennsylvania, near Sunbury, but not Sunbury. We'll get there. Gotcha.

And they move in with friends there. However, that's what she says. In reality, the cops are looking for her in North Carolina. Oh, shit. That's her uncle. Square Uncle Arlen says she stole some shit from the grocery store and got fired, and the cops are looking for her, and then she disappeared. Got it.

And he's like, I tried to tell them where they are. Niece or not, we abide by the law in this house, God damn it. Arlen, you see this flat top? You see how even that is? That means square, mister. You're going to get a square deal in this house. You want to stay with me? I better not ever get no damn phone call from the law.

The law calls me. Johnny Law called me. You best be out. Satan. If Satan calls, I'm kicking you right out of my house. Now, Satan, the law, any of those things happen. Now, I'm sorry. The law.

The law. So they do that. They move. I love hillbillies that call the police officer the law. I like when they call a cop the law and a cousin kin. Those two things. I like both of those things. I can tell exactly where you're from if you say those two words to me.

You ain't kin to me. You ain't kin to me. I will call the law on you. You ain't kin. Get out of my house. You're like, yeah, I know exactly what the fuck's going on here. And I know exactly where we are. I know where we are right now.

Now, during this period in late October, the last week of October after they moved to Pennsylvania, they need to figure out some way to make a living. They've gone on the run. It's not like they had a big nest egg from their dishwashing and checkout duties. So they didn't know what to do. So Elf says that Miranda would regularly hire herself out as a, quote, companion to men that she met on various websites. It's called a prostitute.

It's called a sex worker. At that point, a prostitution. It's called a prostitute. It's called a sex worker. At that point, a prostitution. It's called an escort, a hooker. Yeah, whatever you want to call it. There's a lot of different ways to call it. It is a person that is not doing what she says she's doing here. It's somebody that's not square with the IRS. That's who it is.

That's perfect, which Arlen is not happy about. Now, the IRS, I wish that they didn't exist. But until they don't exist, I will pay my taxes because I'm a law-abiding citizen. And I will call the law on you if you don't. Even if you're kin, I don't care. Doesn't matter to me. God damn it. Elf said that he didn't mind this because he called it a business venture that he supported

because he said it involved no sexual content. What a guy. Which is complete bullshit, as we know. because he said it involved no sexual content. What a guy. Which is complete bullshit, as we know. He said that Miranda would make anywhere from $50 to $850 by meeting with men for such activities as having dinner or just walking around the mall.

Sure. Bullshit. Is that the pay scale? Is it from dinner to... Walking around the mall is $850. That's $850. She's like, you want me to pet a puppy in that store? It's going to cost you because I get attached to those fucking things.

So I'm not going to do that shit at all. Sorry. You want me to go to that food court and eat some of that Sbarro shit pizza? It's going to cost you, asshole. I'm going to need money for the Pepto after this. One of those Charlie's sandwich places. I don't even know what the fuck they make there. Have you ever seen a line there?

I used to love them. I've never seen anyone go there. I used to love them. I don't even know what they fuck they make there. Have you ever seen a line there? I used to love them. I've never seen anyone go there. I used to love them. I don't even know what they do. They make shit sandwiches. There you go. I was right then for not going. He says that all the websites said right up front that there's no sex involved, which

is what you do when you place ads to solicit fucking people to have sex with you for money. He says, quote, she is not a prostitute. What she does is meet men who have broken marriages or have no one in their lives, and she meets with them, and she has delightful conversation. It's got to be really delightful for $850. She's a marriage therapist? Wow. That must make you cum in your pants.

That's how delightful that conversation is. Oh, what is it? You grew up with, oh, God, Jesus. You punched a what wow you punched a pail and say it again god say it tell me about the bird fucking horrible man tell me what russia looks like so they keep putting up these ads um and uh they put up a few different ads and she meets a bunch of men uh through november about the 8th to the 11th, she places ads.

And a few men say they're going to show up and then never show up. The meetings never occur, which happens, I would assume. Johns are unreliable? And I'm assuming, too, they're setting up a deal with her for $300, and then they're hitting up the next one to see if they can get it for $250. Can I get half a mile closer and $50 cheaper? And they're looking through. That's the thing now.

You can really shop around for someone like that. Whereas back in the day, it was whoever was standing there. Now it's like, hmm, that's a little far. It's a little expensive. It's the benefit of a population boom. That's what it is. It's the internet right there. Technology.

Supply and demand, babe. Finally, on November 11th, there's an ad and a man shows up for it. And this man is Troy LaFerrara is his name. He's a big guy. He's a big 6'2", 280-pound, big, heavy-set Italian guy. He looks exactly like he sounds. He's a contractor. We'll find out a little about him here.

He grew up in Port Treverton, Pennsylvania, went to high school there. He attended Penn State University. He got a bachelor's degree in civil engineering. Then he went on and he got his professional engineer's license, his professional land surveyor's license, and his sewage enforcement officer license. Wow. This guy knows building codes. He knows some shit.

You put up a building, he'll tell you exactly what the fuck's wrong with it. That's all. We know that about this guy. He looks, he's one of these big Italian contractor guys that shows up on the work site with a dress shirt on. You know what I mean? He tells you, shut the shit down. What the fuck is, look at this fucking idiot. What is that? What are you, that's not fucking plumbing. Get over here, you

fucking moron. Supposed to be four inch. Hey, fungal. And he's pissed off. So, at the time, I'm out of sausage and peppers. You better get that shit fixed by. Hey, fungal. And he's pissed off. So at the time- I'm going to have the sausage and peppers. You better get that shit fixed by the time I get back. By the time I get finished eating- Hold on a second. I'm going to take another bite.

By the time I get finished eating the sausage and peppers, you better have that. Hold on. This is pretty good. You better have it done. It's all- I'll be done really soon. I got to tell you, because I'm going to eat this whole fucking thing right now. It's delicious.

It's beautiful. It's beautiful. I got to tell you, because I'm going to eat this whole fucking thing right now. It's delicious. It's beautiful. So this guy here, he is a senior resident engineer at the Lycoming County Landfill, which sounds very exciting. Sounds like he smells like shit most of the time. Or maybe he's in a little shit pill box.

The shack, yeah. Yeah, that keeps the shit smell out. So, yeah, he's there. He was also on the Chapman Union Sewage Authority and was a member of the Port Treverton Township Board in 2011, serving as their roadmaster. I don't know what that is exactly. When they take their act on the road. A roadmaster. Take this shit on the road.

I was like, roastmaster? No, that says roadmaster. I didn't get that when I first read it. He's a big-time hunter. He's always in the woods hunting. He was a big archery hunter. Man's it. He's a big-time hunter. He's always in the woods hunting. He was a big archery hunter. Man's man.

He's a man's man. He can build a house and then go kill some shit and eat it. I don't know. I guess I'm not into hunting, but if that's what you're into, he seems to be good at it. And he likes it. As long as you don't eat it. Yeah, exactly. He would shoot clay shoots on the weekends to practice.

He just liked doing shit like that. He was into it. And that's central Pennsylvania. That's what that is, man. Like I said, I had cousins that live outside Scranton and they owned a bar and we drove to and from it through the woods. He goes, hey, you drive through the woods, you get as drunk as you want and nobody will bother you. It's like, because you're in the fucking woods.

That's why. No cops in the woods, really? Fucked logic. Flying through a trail in the woods. And I'm like, there's trees in the dark. I can't see shit. Shithammer. Ah, we're fine. Don't worry about it. The fuck is wrong with you?

I know this road like the back of my hand. What was that bump? Ah, it was a bush. That's Pennsylvania, yeah. That's what they had there. The bar was called The Oasis. And they'd be like, ah, we're going to go on down the O. Come on down.

We're going to go on down the O. And it's like, what? No, I don't want to go on down the O. That's through the woods and it's scary. Fuck you. Crazy people, man. Going to go on down the O. That's through the woods and it's scary. Fuck you. Crazy people, man. Got to go on down the O. So he had a wife, Colleen, that he married in June of 2011.

They had an eight-year relationship. They've been together about 10 years at this point, him and his wife. And I guess maybe things are a little stale for him because he is a smidge on the boring side. He's going for some outside action, we'll call it at this point. Some back page? Some back page. Yeah, they have no children, though. He doesn't have any kids, we'll call it at this point. Some back page? Some back page. Yeah, they have no children, though. He doesn't have any kids, so you can keep that in mind.

So this was an ad offering. This was $100 for companionship. Quote, companionship is what the ad said. This guy is 42 years old. Like I said, 6'2", 280, big guy. He answers the ad. Okay. They meet on November 11th at the Susquehanna Mall.

Susquehanna Valley Mall. Which is where all sexual encounters take place. Makes it so much better with that valley. Makes it so much hotter, doesn't it too? I've done some, I'm an adult. You know, whatever. I've had sex before. It's happened. Me too. It's happened.

But something's always been missing and I always wondered what it was. And it's the fact that it wasn't in the Susquehanna Valley Mall parking lot in a Honda CR-V. I think that's what the missing ingredient's always been my entire life. I've got to get myself to central Pennsylvania. Anyway, so he's doing that. You can borrow my pilot and drive your wife down to Paradise Valley Mall and see if that works for you. That's not bad, but I think it has to be the Susquehanna Valley Mall.

And it has to be like a satanic heroin addict, outsider who may or may not be plotting against me. It has to be something like that, I feel like. It's just my wife, you know, who I love and all that and find all attractive. What good is that going to do? I was going to just say hose down the back. I'm fine with it. I got a rubber liner back there. Oh, no.

Jesus Christ. Too much information I did not need to have right now. The Susquehanna Valley Mall is in Hummels Wharf, Pennsylvania, which that's the weirdest sounding place. So they settle on payment in the mall parking lot in her car, in her Honda CRV, like a young mom mobile kind of thing. I have one kid. They end up settling on a payment and a place, because you can't do it right in the mall

parking lot. This is a Susquehanna Valley Mall. Have some fucking class. There's a Dillard's right there. That's what he said. He said, hey, listen, sweetheart, I want to do this and everything, but we're at the Susquehanna Valley Mall, and this place is, you class it up when you're over here. You know what I mean?

There's a fucking Bennigan's in that joint. You know what I'm saying? It's classy. This is what I mean. We'll go get margaritas afterwards, but we're going to keep it nice. The Ruby Tuesdays on the other side. There's a fucking Ruby Tuesdays. What's wrong with you?

What are you going to do it right here? No. This is fucking the people are eating. Get out of here. There's children in there. There's fucking children in there. So they end up going here. They drive six miles to Sunbury, Pennsylvania.

Beautiful. And we end up in Sunbury and Howard's talking 45 into this show but we're there, starting with you we're in Sunbury this is a crazy story so it ended up there here they drive there

he has a house that he's renovating there that's why he knows that it even exists there's a house there that he's fixing up they go, problem is while they're driving, there that he's fixing up. They go. Problem is, while they're driving, for him, he's like, all right, this is going to work out. What he doesn't know is there is somebody in the backseat under a blanket. It's an elf. Be careful.

He's going to jump out and get him. They're scary little fuckers. Gotcha. He's under the blanket in the backseat the whole time. And La Ferrara never sees him, doesn't know he's there. It's a Honda CR-V. Elf must be very tired. He's so small.

He must be super, like, just behind one seat on the floor. That's the only way. And it's not his seat because he's 6'2", 280 in a CR-V. He's almost sitting in the back seat. He hit that thing all the way to the fucking back, as far back as you could go. So it must have been behind his seat, behind her seat. So anyway, he's back there. This was their plan.

She was supposed to say the code words, which are, quote, did you see the stars tonight? Yeah. Okay. When she says these words, Elf is supposed to leap into action from the back seat with a cord and just right around the guy's neck and choke him out good and get him and be on his back and probably standing on his head and going, come on, get him, I got him. Die already. Die, die.

I think that's what he's saying. Right. Something like that. And she's supposed to, he's supposed to choke the guy to death. That is the plan. Okay. But first. That's a bad plan.

Doesn't sound like a great plan. It sounds, the guy's 280 too and he got an elf in the backseat. He's going to physically fucking choke this guy out. There's things in this guy's elf's going to end up going through the windshield. I feel like in this plan. But first, as they're driving, Miranda says she wanted to give La Ferrara an out chance to not be killed. Got it. What she says is she told him that she lied about her age.

She says, oh, by the way, I'm not 18. I actually just is she told him that she lied about her age. Yeah. She says, oh, by the way, I'm not 18. I actually just turned 16. Is that a problem for you? And apparently he said, that's fine. I still want to have sex with you. Jesus. Now she horrible.

Now she claims Miranda says if he would have said that's no, I can't do it. Then that he, that Miranda would have let him go and not gone through with the plan to kill him. Would have just been like pulled over and said, I don't want to do this and let him out of the fucking car. That's what she's saying. She's saying she gave him a chance, but he was a pedophile and he wanted to fuck a 16 year old. So he deserves it. That's what she. I don't believe her. That's what he's saying.

Yeah, I don't believe she was ever going to let him go at all. She says that once they parked that LaFerrara's hand was going up her thigh, and she said the code words, did you see the stars tonight? And nothing happened. Elliot did shit. So she said, did you see the stars tonight? And she's hitting him, like, you know, around the side of the seat. And he's going, did you see the size of this fucking guy?

And he's going, eh, eh, eh, eh. No, not this one. No. I can't do it. She gets fucking impatient and says, well, you know what? I got a knife on me. I brought just in case that I keep here in the side little console of my car. It's a pretty fucking big knife, too.

She grabs that and unexpectedly, out of nowhere, stabs LaFerrara in the chest 20 times. Jesus. 20 times. 20 times. Just hacks him apart with this thing. Then, at some point, Elf popped out of the back seat and tried to strangle the guy. At some point, he got up there and he was strangling, and she's stabbing in the chest. I'm doing good, right?

I'm doing good, right? I'm getting him. I'm getting him. So the hard part is, I mean, he is a big guy, and that's a small car. Yeah. So all that hacking. So much. Imagine the blood.

Every time she goes in and comes out, she's spraying blood back all over everything. I mean, the fucking inside of that car must have been a disaster. I can't even imagine what that was like. It was like a paint thing exploded in a robbery bag. Yeah, exactly, except it's not blue. It's one of those with paint packets. It's not purple and looks like cotton candy. Totally, man.

So this happens. So she kills us 20 times. He's still gasping for air and breathing at this point, even after he's been choked and stabbed 20 times, which is insanity. Once they figured he was reasonably, they just sat there, kind of let him die as he gasped for air, which is fucking horrible, too. They were kind of into that. Once he's dead, they took his wallet, obviously. That's one thing you're going to do. You know, he probably has at least a hundred bucks and they figure out now what the fuck

are we going to do? So they drive around a little bit and they're like, okay, well we need to clean the car out. We need to do that. It's going to cost more than a hundred bucks. We can't drive around with this guy in the car, obviously. So tell you what, there's an alley. Let's just leave him here for now.

We're going to dump him in an alley. We'll go get some cleaning supplies and shit and then we'll come back and we'll move him somewhere better and we'll clean out the car and then we'll go on. You can't have him in the car while we clean it. He's just going to get dirty again. He keeps bleeding, this asshole. So they go to Walmart to get cleaning supplies. They come back

with the cleaning supplies. Covered in blood. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. You'd have to be covered in blood. They go to Walmart and what ends up happening is when they come back, they can't find the body. They forgot where they put it because they're not from Sunbury and they're new to town. And they have no idea where they put the fucking body. They have no clue. So they're literally going, shit, where do we put him?

They're going from like, this looks familiar. Nope, no fat dead guy in there. Shit. And they're moving on. So that has to be frightening at that point. So they said, well, fuck it. We can't find him. I guess he's gone.

Whatever. Let's clean the car out. But they couldn't clean the car out because it's a disaster. It's a mess. You're not going to clean that cleaning supplies at night when you can't even see. No. Miranda said there was just too much blood. They just prize.

So they just gave up. They were like, all right, fuck this. This is ridiculous. We can't clean this thing up. This guy's dead. So she's like, what can we do? What do we do? Well, it's Elf's birthday.

You know what? Let's go to the strip club. Fuck it. Fuck it. Strip club. So they literally go from trying to clean the blood up. They were like that strip club. Let's go celebrate.

So they went and celebrated. So he wanted murder and central Pennsylvania strippers for his birthday. This guy. So the very strange birthday present for this man here. Horrible day. So they go here. Now, the thing is, we'll get back to when they get to the strip club, by the way, they said they celebrated there. It was in Harrisburg.

It was an hour away. They drove. You don't want to go right around there. The quality of the women, much better in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. She said they were celebrating there. She said, quote, We were on this high, but the club was so bad. The girls were just dirty. It was a total buzzkill.

So I don't like that. She's pissed. She's like, you know, it's fucked up, too, because how dare they? How dare these girls? They're on a fucking murder high, man. Like, they're feeling good and they're fucking up their whole night with their shitty dancing and dirtiness or whatever. That's fucking wrong with them.

I don't know. She is obsessed with sex and obesity. And obesity. So, yeah. Chug one's a little chunky. Maybe they weren't chubby. Who knows? I don't like this.

That's probably what she... I don't know. She didn't like them at all, though. She was pissed off. So, yeah. Yeah. So stupid here. So, she does all of that.

They go to the strip club. They leave. They try to clean up the blood to no avail. The next morning, there's a guy making coffee at his kitchen window and he looks out of his kitchen window and sees a big, fat, dead guy in an alley.

He goes, holy shit, look at that. Wow, there's a dead guy there, which is the total opening of a Law & Order episode. He's like, no, I'll take two cubes of sugar honey and he puts it in and he's like, what's that out there? What is that? Is that somebody? Did he leave his garbage bags out there again? We keep telling him, put them in the cans. Oh, my God.

Next thing you know, Lenny Briscoe is making fun of the guy over his body. He's fat shaming him. Now, the cops are a little, they don't know what to take, make of this whole thing, because in this town, there aren't a lot of murders. We said there's plenty of violent crime, not a lot of murders. It's mostly drunken domestic assaults they get there.

And they said the murders here are usually domestic murders. That's what you get. And usually you don't find a guy strangled and stabbed in an alley who's not even from the town. That's a new one. They don't get that often. So the cop who first found it, first found Troy, said, quote, whoever wanted him dead wanted him really, really dead. All right. That's what you want a cop to say about you if you've been murdered.

You want him to go, is he alive? Is he breathing still? Or what happened to him? You want him to go, I see exactly what the problem is here. That's a problem. There is no chest left. Yeah, totally. He didn't live in Sunbury.

He was remodeling a home that he owned there so they found that connection the police are trying to investigate who this guy is who might be you know he's a contractor so he's probably got a lot of enemies there's a lot number one and he works for like the boards and he can like deny licenses like there's probably plenty of people that want to kill this fucking guy uh so they start looking there uh they looked into his business dealings which the police called sketchy. So he had some sketchy shit going on. They're like, okay, there's plenty of people that might want this guy dead.

Usually not in such a personal way. Usually the mob doesn't do 20 stab wounds to the chest. It's usually a little more organized. It's usually one swipe across the throat. A couple of shots in the face. Yeah, not this weirdness. And then dumped in an alley. If they wanted him to be found, they would have dumped him in a more right open place and if they didn't want him to be found he wouldn't be in a fucking alley you wouldn't find him yeah or you

would decompose six months later in the woods or some shit like that uh the police though after they get through his business stuff they they then start to say they're investigating a certain subculture uh at first the town didn't know what they meant by that, and then they said they found out when they saw literally every stripper in central Pennsylvania being paraded in and out of the police station for a week being questioned because Troy likes the ladies. He likes to pay to have ladies do things to and with him. That's what he's into. The guy with shady dealings, business dealings, that's what they kind of dig.

Yeah. I feel bad for Colleen. I do, too. His wife. Poor lady. Two years they're married. Not even. Two and a half years.

So, they keep interviewing. The police begin interviewing all these local strippers. But then, they start, when they look through his cell phone, because in his cell phone, there's all sorts of women he's talking to. And they kind of go through a bunch of them and question them. And they just say, well, I didn't kill him. And they're like, all right, well, I guess she didn't. They have to go through everybody.

And they find all sorts of text messages and everything to Miranda, through Miranda. So they want to find Miranda. Now, they're saying, too, if they would have left Elf and Miranda, they probably wouldn't even have followed up on that. They probably would have been like, ah, there's one girl we didn't talk to. I don't know, whatever. They don't have time to deal with that shit. So if they left, they probably would have completely over with. But they stay and they hang out around here.

Instead, they resume their lives like nothing happened. November 19th of this month, she posts on Facebook a picture of her new wedding ring. Oh, boy. I don't know how many malls she walked around to fucking get money for that. But they're poor as shit. That's a lot of mall walking. And she got a wedding ring from Zales. Another one, she says, quote, oh, wow, four exclamation points.

It's finally here, three exclamation points. Snow, all capital letters, four exclamation points. Happy holidays to me. Holidays, happy holidays to me. Happy holidays to me. Three exclamation points. And then yay, two exclamation points. She's seen snow before.

You're from Alaska, asshole. Yay is the exclamation. That should have the most exclamation points, not the least. That's the big word. Makes no goddamn sense. She's seen snow before. You're from Alaska, asshole. Yay is the exclamation. That should have the most exclamation points, not the least. That's the big word. Makes no goddamn sense. That's the good word. She joked about trying to cook dinner, saying that, you know, so many things. New things this year I'm trying to cook for Happy Thanksgiving. We'll see how it works

out. Maybe it'll be Chinese food night. Ha ha ha. She actually said ha ha on it, too. Everything she writes has an exclamation point except ha-ha. There's no ha-ha. Nothing? Nothing. No punctuation on ha-ha whatsoever.

What a jerk. It makes it sound mean like ha-ha. It's very much different. Creepier. If I fail at this, they're having Chinese. Chinese. I'll make Chinese people is what I mean. I'm going to make them into food.

I'll make Chinese people is what I mean I'm going to make them into food so so the police follow all this and they figure out Miranda's the only one she's the only one

everything works out to where it's they're looking at her and on December 3rd 2013 she is arrested they take her baby to social services

which then becomes a huge custody battle between her father and Uncle Arlen. And I want Uncle Arlen raising this baby. I'm rooting on Arlen. Yeah. I want Uncle Arlen, definitely.

The authorities are trying to figure out who the baby's father is, and she says he's dead. And then the mom goes, no, he's not. And they're like, Jesus fucking Christ almighty. This family. This is a disaster. What a mess here. In her first interview with the cops, she insisted that she met him at the Susquehanna Valley Mall. That was true.

But she said she was too scared to go through with anything sexual with him. So she told him, never mind. And they went their separate ways. She never saw him again. What are you going to do here? Now, the next day, this is the first time in December. This is before she's even arrested. This happens the next day. She comes in voluntarily with saying that she would like she'd like to speak with investigators with an attorney present.

Interesting. Which doesn't that doesn't make you sound more innocent. That's a different approach. That's an odd one, right? That's a very strange approach. Later on, she said that she met him online and she said she carried a knife for her own protection and that they decided to meet after some emails and that she tried to she that she tried to molest her. She said she carried a knife, but she didn't stab him. So she's like gradually getting like he tried to molest me.

I had a knife, but I didn't stab him. But then someone else did. Apparently a lot. December 6th, 2013, they arrest Elf arrest elf yeah uh elf is a little more forthcoming with information yeah he's he's he he is just happy to tell everybody what happened here uh they all they tell he tells them exactly what happened where he went they find video surveillance footage of them dumping the fucking body in an alley them at walmart leaving with cleaning supplies like they put it all together with a video montage.

Here's your night. Elf and Miranda, this is your night. Based on all of his information. He said that they had planned to kill people before that, but they kept fucking not showing up. He's like, we made five dates and these assholes wouldn't show up to die. I want to kill you. Show up, dickhead.

He said that finally that Troy LaFerrara showed up and it happened. It worked out. He says, quote, that they, this is amazing, that they tried to find someone else. They just, this is, God, I love this quote so much. They just wanted to murder someone together. That's what he said. We just wanted to be together and murder someone. Isn't that nice? My goodness. I mean, you just want to do, when you plant a garden, when you do, you want to do someone together. That's what he said. We just wanted to be together and murder someone. Isn't that nice? My goodness.

I mean, you just want to do, when you plant a garden, you want to do it together so you have memories of building something together. Or memories of destroying something together. When you murder, you know, some guinea with cavatelli sauce coming down his fucking chin, you want to keep that, I can say, guinea all I want.

That's it. We'll do it together. So that's nice. The cops called it quote, pretty twisted, the whole thing, which I can say, give me all I want. Take out a gendaloon together. That's it. We'll do it together. So that's nice. The cops called it, quote, pretty twisted. Yeah. The whole thing, which I would say here. Now, she tells police after he admits to all this, and they have all the surveillance footage and everything of her trying to take a fat guy out of a bar. And sorry to keep calling him a fat guy. It's not that he's fat.

It's that he's Italian. Right. And I'm Italian, and I think of basically everybody's a fat Italian. So it's just one of those things like, hey, you big, fat, guinea bastard. I call my brother that. He's not fat. It's just what we say to each other. It's not even that, because we all love food.

So we call each other, hey, you fat bastard. No one's fat. No one cares. Even if he is fat, we don't care. I like fat idiot. I call the skinniest people on earth fat idiots. Yeah, it has nothing to do with that. So when I say that, please don't say that.

This poor guy's a victim, and you're calling him fat. It has nothing to do with that. I'm say that please don't say that this poor guy's a victim and you're calling him fat has nothing to do with that i'm calling him a guinea it's much different which i'm allowed to do because if you walk around with petra gallo is your last name you can say fucking guinea anytime you goddamn well please eat shit so anyway he says that uh that um she says that she did stab him but he was trying to rape her basically uh she says that there's differing tales of when Elf popped out. Elf says that he didn't pop out until after she started stabbing him.

And then she says that Elf popped out first, and then she started stabbing him because Elf was having a hard time with the strangling. Either one of those could be true, and it really doesn't matter. Either way, they're bad stories. They did this and participated. Horrible experience. Horrible. They go to stories. They did this and participated. Horrible experience. Horrible. Yeah. They go to her house where she had a roommate there.

And the roommate says that the police seized some knives that were from a knife set with knives missing from the set. So they're finding the matching knives to the murder weapon. All that sort of thing here. The search warrant and everything were sealed for some reason. So all we have is the roommates saying, telling the press about it. Police also confiscate the satanic Bible during the, she still has it. She still has a satanic Bible.

Yeah. It's got a picture of Hulk Hogan on the front. It's very impressive. Now this isn't the crazy part. This was all to lead to the crazy part. Okay guys, this is this, this last little home stretch is bat shit.

She gets arrested yeah she's in there a couple months later a reporter receives a uh receives a note a handwritten note in the mail it says quote i put you on my visitors list the rest is up to you and it's signed miranda barbara she picked her own person to come talk she picked a member of the press i don't know she liked his writing or what uh she and they were this reporter was super excited because this was all anyone was talking about. Did you hear about the girl who said she's a Satanist murdering some fire? I mean, it's like this is central Pennsylvania. Their heads are exploding.

This is everything they want in a something to gossip about. So she says that they just wanted to murder someone together. She says the same thing. But earlier now to the to to the, the, uh, the journalist here, uh, he sees her on Valentine's day. He comes and sees her very romantic. So sweet. She starts out very nice saying, Oh no, I wish you could have brought in your pad and

pen or your recorder. Cause reporters are allowed. Yeah. You have to remember anything that goes on in prison. You're not allowed to have that. Uh, so he said, oh, that's okay. I have a good memory. She's a lunatic, and she could stab you with some shit.

That's the other thing. Bulletproof glass. This is through bulletproof glass, which is safe for everybody. She then says, quote, I have a lot of things I want to say, some of which will be difficult to hear. Interesting. Fascinating. Fascinating. She tells this reporter that, you know, she did do it.

She said that she was looking for bad men to punish. Okay. Basically, she said she was looking for bad men to punish. She said that she tells a reporter that she told him that she lied about her age, the whole thing. She said she would have let him live, but, you know, didn't go. She said, quote, he told me that was okay. It didn't matter. I knew then he had to go. Yeah. That's what she says, which sounds like a mob boss. He's got to go. Yeah. He, didn't go. She said, quote, he told me that was OK. It didn't matter. I knew then he had to go.

Yeah, that's what she says, which sounds like a mob boss. He's got to go. Yeah, he's got to go. She told about the password thing, the whole deal. And then she talks about how she killed him. Then she says, after a long pause, she says in a very innocent voice, he says, and just a very matter of fact, innocent voice. She says, quote, this isn't the first time I've done this. What?

Interesting. That piques his attention a little bit, as you might imagine. He says, Lord, a man on Craigslist. She said, this was the first time I'm on Craigslist, but I've killed before. Oh, boy. So this is frightening. He said he took a moment and he said, well, how many times? She said, less than 100.

Which, OK, i've killed less than a hundred people too that's a pretty vague thing uh less than a hundred sounds like a lot he says look no one in the world is going to believe you killed a hundred people you're like a 19 year old girl give me a number something give me a fucking number she said quote well i stopped counting at 22 oh boy 22 that's a lot That's a fuckload. Yeah. She says, wow. She said it all started when she was 13. Forrest asked her to kill a man who owed him money. She solicited the man down an alley with sex.

Oh, boy. And got him to come into the alley. And when he arrived, Forrest shot the man and then wrapped his fingers around hers on the gun and had her shoot the man as well at 13. That's her first body is what she says. She says that she also considered killing Willow Palin back in the day. Is that right? She actually considered. She said, quote, it just didn't seem like a good idea.

Being stuck up didn't warrant death. She said, I was like, you have no idea who I am or what I'm capable of, though, with her. So that could have been a tragedy there. That would have been something that would have gotten a lot of attention. Somebody murdered Sarah Palin's daughter. That would have been terrible. She says her killing spree began in Alaska and it continued to California, Texas and North Carolina.

That's a lot. She is claiming. Yeah. She says, quote, there is something inside of me. It goes off like a switch. I call it Super Miranda. It's dark. It's violent.

It's like another person super miranda super miranda holy shit is all i have to say that's awesome we've never had anybody call themselves super anything on this show this is a this is a new one it's hacky and dumb it's a fucking new one man uh she also says that back in alaska she had a favorite knife with notches on it one for each p one for each victim uh she describes somebody who she killed in alaska a woman she said that the cult killed uh she said that this woman she heard they heard that she was quote prostituting her children her own children so she said we drugged her and took her out into the forest we tortured her we cut her we burned her a into the forest. We tortured her. We cut her.

We burned her a little bit. She denied it all at first. You know, people will say anything when you torture them. But she finally admitted it and promised she wouldn't ever do it again. I knew she was lying. Those people always lie. We cut her and threw her in a hole in the ice. Wow.

That's her fucking story. That's a great story. That's quite a story. Does this all sound familiar to you guys this sound like a tv show that we might have seen that's because uh her sister says that she's obsessed with the show dexter and that's where this all comes from right she's completely full of shit right and she just wants to kill people and she wants to be dexter but has done nothing before that they know of uh the local police they think she's full of. The FBI goes, we're going to look into this, though.

Because she says, I'll draw you maps. I know where the people are buried and all this shit. So they go, well, let's humor us then. They do a bunch of investigation. They basically say it's not possible. She says she killed a bunch of people in North Carolina. There's only one unsolved homicide from around that area, and it's from when she was an infant.

She was 2,000, 3,000 miles away. But she is Super Miranda. She is Super Miranda. She could have flown there. You never know. She could have been killing as a toddler. Also, this killing is not really that of a seasoned killer. No. That's what I mean. A hundred times. If you killed 20 plus times

you're going to say... You need a little guy in the backseat. In the CRV is not a good place to do this because you're going can be fucking blood everywhere. It's going to be a mess. Yeah. You would think more than that. Dexter, if you don't know, it's on Showtime or not anymore. It's a Showtime show about a Miami's a blood spatter analyst.

He figures out who kills people before the cops do and figures out who's serial killers. And then he kills them because he's a serial killer, too. And he needs to kill. Right. So he figures if I'm going to kill, I might as well kill the people who deserve it. It's a good plan. It's a fucking great. It's a great premise too and he needs to kill right so he figures if i'm gonna kill i might as well kill the people who deserve it it's a good plan it's a fucking great it's a great premise and a great show as a matter of fact it's goddamn terrific but uh this girl is pretty much taking this as her what it is and her sister says that her sister says that she's obsessed with obsessed with dexter she says quote if you listen to what she's saying she's using descriptions from the

actual show uh yeah that's what she's saying. That's disgusting. Yeah. She's like a comic that just goes into comedy clubs and steals jokes. Steals jokes, yeah. She's like fucking Robin Williams or something. She's not even going up and offering money. At least Robin Williams would pay people for it. Right, he'd pay you back for it. Yeah.

He'd get it on TV and give you 100 bucks. Yeah, exactly. She said that she killed an older man in Texas who she found in an online chat who thought she was 11 or 12. She said you should have seen the hotel room he got. He decked it out with all this bondage stuff. I really liked him. I didn't want to hurt him, but he was one of the molesters, so he had to go. So Miranda's trying to describe all this shit.

Nobody takes it seriously. She says it was also a man she killed in self-defense while working as a go-go dancer in a strip club in Florida. She said, quote, that one seriously was not my fault. That's exactly how she said it, too. That one seriously was not my fault. Like, there are commas in there. That's amazing, by the way. She says she has an innocent face that people seem to trust,

so it's been easier for her to do this. The FBI shows no verification of any of these people ever existing, dying, living, or anything like that. The father said that he doesn't believe she's killed 22 people. Except for one. He says he believes it's possible

that she may have killed someone while living with him in Alaska, but not 22 people. She ran around with the cult, who the fuck knows, but 22 people? Come on. People wouldn't notice that many people just disappearing. You know what I mean? Yeah. 22 people gone.

That's a lot. That would come up a lot, I would imagine. I mean, people in Alaska go there to disappear, though, but not 22. No. That's a lot. Miranda's father thinks about there was a shooting one time in Alaska that she described as a possible one since it occurred during one of her long extended runaway periods.

But he does say, quote, I can promise you that she's only been to California once and Texas a few times, and both times she was never out of my sight. So didn't kill people there. I never saw her kill anybody. Yeah. She says that she insists that she can pinpoint on a map where you can find these people. She said she would lure people who did bad things and didn't deserve to be here anymore. Yes, so Alaskan state troopers said no evidence to that there either.

So now we have the FBI, the local police, North Carolina police, the state troopers in Alaska. Nobody does. She is hurt by this, by the way. She's pissed. She's pissed nobody believes her. She says, quote, it hurts to know that all these people in my family don't believe me. But in another part of me, it makes me laugh that people

think I'm lying because this is the most honest I've ever been in my whole life. She might not have killed 22 people, but she's fucking scary. Let's just say that. Yeah, that's just, wow. She thinks she can manipulate everybody into just believing that she's killed and disposed of all these bodies.

And her friend said she's maintained the same story for years now. Her friend said that, quote, I would imagine Miranda was admitted to the hospital for self-harm, depression and suicidal tendencies. She suffered from all of those. She says that she never referred to her cult as a satanic cult. She said, though, it was more of a gang that was mostly comprised of men. That's what she was telling people at the behavioral center. She says, quote, this woman about to be about Miranda. Quote, she mentioned having been raped by multiple men at once within the gang.

Well, I don't know whether her murder headcount is the truth. I believe what she's saying about her past. Otherwise, it's in line with what I've learned from Miranda three years before she left for Alaska. So that all makes sense. Experts, all the profilers, your John Douglas mindhunter types all say that. And it does. I mean, if you read any of that shit. It all fits.

She's bullshitting. She doesn't fit the profile of this person at all. A, someone who kills like this, rarely women. And usually when they are are they're typically older and they don't use knives they use guns because it's a lot less dude it's that's what i mean you got a bigger usually a bigger bigger physical person eileen warnos those she shot all these people and that's that's who they're more looking at like someone like that rather than her uh it's a little bit different uh now uh they talked to the uh magnus p H. Gilmore, who is the high priest of the Church of Satan.

His name's Magnus? Magnus Peter H. Gilmore. I don't know if Magnus is his title or what the fuck. That's interesting. Magus, not Magnus. I'm sorry, Magus. Okay, so that's probably a title. What the fuck?

So stupid. They interviewed him because everyone in central Pennsylvania is like, what's up with all this Satan? So they talked to this guy to calm everyone down. This will settle everyone's fears. Let's get Magus up there. He says the funniest thing in this entire episode. He says, quote, in this post 9-11 world, first of all, the high church of Satan guy saying that the idea that there could be a murderous cult out there out there.

How's that going to escape law enforcement? Gee, I don't know. That's that's his excuse here uh yes so uh uh these people here uh the the the her husband's lawyers are are saying look we don't know any bad thing about this shit okay they're trying to get their shit severed from her like the lawyers like all that satan and all that 22 we don't want any of that shit in our trial we just want to go you, we just want one dude. Maybe he was in his defense.

Like, that's what they're going to try to say. One dude in the backseat didn't do anything. Let's not bring Satan into this. The sister at this point, Ashley, goes on Dr. Phil. Oh, boy. She says, quote, my mom made Miranda the way she is. My mom has been a bad mom. Yeah.

Which you don't want your murdering child's sibling on TV saying it's because of you. Right. With Dr. Phil going, I know. Your mom's a piece of shit. She says, I just want to make it clear that this is not my sister's fault. She's not the monster on her own. It has to have come from someone else. I don't know about that.

Okay. Miranda's mom is on there, too, being called a bad mom. She says, I love Miranda. Dr. Phil snickering and sneering at her. Just judging. She said, I will never turn my back on her. She's my daughter. My daughter is not a serial killer.

I don't believe Miranda has killed more than one person because this one is so sloppy. So she still critiqued her. She still critiqued her. She's like, I don't believe she killed more because this one, I mean, she barely did that right. It's very sloppy. Fabrice is very sloppy. Like, there's no way she killed more than that. She just twisted the knife.

Jesus Christ, man. What an asshole. The sister says, quote, you have to understand where Miranda's coming from. You have to understand what happened to her when she was younger. Which, yeah, we completely fucking get that. I get it. Totally. Totally.

So she says that the sister says that miranda must have only participated in this to please her husband uh but she also says that the sister miranda refuses to take ashley's phone calls in prison for some reason i don't know why uh with that uh she also saw that dr phil episode that maybe that's well this is on the dr phil episode she says this she also says she believes she does. Miranda deserves the death penalty. She's convicted. She says, I believe she deserves the consequences of her actions.

Do I want to see her die? No, but she should kill him. That's what she basically said. I don't want to see it, but I think someone should kill this fucking girl. I don't want to watch or anything, but we should totally get rid of that girl. You know how it goes here. So they have her. Obviously, they look over her psychological state.

Obviously, here, the state decides to seek the death penalty on this whole thing, which is crazy. When that's all happening, the state, you know, saying that this was committed during a robbery because they took the wallet. So it's death penalty. That kind of changes everything. Once the death penalty gets on the table, it's a lot less fun. That kind of changes everything once the death penalty gets on the table.

It's a lot less fun. And August 14th, or August of 2014, both Elf and Miranda decide to plead guilty to second-degree murder to avoid the death penalty. They didn't realize that taking that wallet was the thing. That was the thing. That's what's going to put us on the right. That's what did it. The DA says, the district attorney says that the plea deal saves the county about a million dollars by avoiding trials, which I guess is good for central Pennsylvania because it's a shithole. September 18th, 2014 is sentencing.

Holly LaFerrara, who is the sister of Troy, got to give an impact statement. And we always got to give them a little bit of voice here. If they get to say something in court, we're going to give them their day, too. She said, quote, If it was up to me, you would each be strapped to a lethal injection gurney or seated in an electric chair. I say both of you got off lucky today. You were bad enough to do the crime. Now let's see how you like doing the time. Lots and lots of time. There aren't many guarantees in life, but you can take this one to the bank. My family and I will make sure you stay in jail right where you belong. I like it. You, sir and ma'am, may off uh that is that's the fuck off statement

uh both get life without parole for both of them so they're both gone and those are young people too so that is victim statement minus the rhyme bad yeah minus the rhyme now hopefully she didn't do that on purpose we'll say that here uh so uh they were weeping the family that his family about it uh the holly says quote la ferrara quote, our primary goal has been to ensure the two killers never get out of prison. They will remain dangerous to society as long as they live. I agree. In prison, Miranda hates prison. What?

She doesn't like it. Why? She says to her, quote, it is really bad in here. Italicized really. So I'm going to say it like that. This is exact, quote, I'm going to say it like that. She said, this is exact quote. I'm not making this up. Quote, it's like no one around here even gets my sense of humor.

This isn't a new school. You're not, you're not like, oh, this dorm sucks. You're in prison. There is no sense of humor. It's not supposed to be great. It's fucking miserable. That's why. She says that one time a guard asked if she was doing okay.

And she responded with, quote, no, I'm bleeding to death, and the guards just rushed in the room. She says, quote, I was being sarcastic, but no one here gets that. You're in a fucking prison cell saying people do that all the time. That's why. Right. Holy shit. She's saying you're bleeding to death.

Either you're having a really horrible period at the moment, or somebody just knifed you, and that's not good. It's not either way. We need to check you out. This happens in here. She said, not allowed to watch television, but she is eager to dispel her sister's claim that she's obsessed with Dexter. That's why she's mad at her sister, because her sister said that. She says, quote, it's good about Dexter.

Quote, it's good, but not very believable. It wasn't real to me. I prefer American Horror Story. So that's what she should have said is I've never heard of it. Yeah, that would be another. Don't know what you're talking about. It's good, but I'm not doing that. I prefer American Horror Story.

Yeah. She says Miranda claims to be able to see people's auras and quote a lot of other stuff. She says, quote, but who knows what's real and quote a lot of other stuff uh she says quote but who knows what's real since i'm crazy that's what she says so the whole thing's a fucking mess uh she did have some suicidal times in jail where she thought about killing herself and then she got over it um so yes uh alex her old roommate said quote i think she's been through a lot of extremely painful things and while i would never say that justifies taking lives, it's important to understand what might be motivating her.

Elf ended up appealing his guilty plea, claiming ineffective assistance of counsel, and then he withdrew it. He's like, fuck it. I don't know what I'm talking about here. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing.

She's at the state prison near Muncie, and he is at the state correctional institute at Forest, which is hilarious. Unbelievable. What a fucking coincidence. An elf, North Carolina, Forrest. It's all making sense. Unbelievable.

These two are meant to be together. You would think that until June 7, 2016, when Miranda files for divorce. If these two crazy kids can't make it work, she claims the marriage. The couple that kills together, remember? They're supposed to stay together. She says that the marriage has been irretrievably broken, and she cites in the divorce complaint that they've been separated since they were arrested, and that sort of thing.

She also is allowed to file as a poor person to avoid paying fees. Maybe that's why there's divorce rates higher, even though they're poor in Pennsylvania. You can apparently do that. She also, they talk to Elf about it, and he's distraught. He says, quote, I still love her. He's like, I don't understand what's going on. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other because we're both in separate prisons. That's a possibility.

The wife, Colleen, says, quote, they got what they wanted. They got their 15 minutes. I wish people would stop giving it to them. Sorry, Colleen, but we did make fun of her, so that's fine. She also adds, quote, I hope they rot in hell. Miranda says she belongs behind bars. She's OK. Miranda says that.

She says, I belong behind bars. Quote, I don't want to hurt anyone else. So that's that. Troy's sister, Holly, will give her the last word. She says, even if they each serve 50 years, they will still not feel any guilt or sympathy. They completely lack empathy. They have no conscience, no remorse, no moral compass. They lack the most basic element of humanity.

These two are fundamentally flawed people who are rotten to the core. Wow. Fuck. Troy is buried at the Whitmer's Evangelical Church Association Cemetery in Port Treverton, Pennsylvania. That is Sunbury, Pennsylvania and North Poland, a little bit of North Carolina and a touch of Florida and a touch, touch, tip top of Texas. Holy shit. That's a fucking crazy story.

If you like that story, please get on iTunes. Five stars would be wonderful. Doesn't matter what you say. Not for our ego. It's that damn fucking goddamn funky algorithm that iTunes has. Jazz hands. Jazz hands. Yeah, it's got them.

If that's not enough for you and you want to be one of our heroes, you can do that. There are a lot of them. You can, absolutely. You can do that. First of all, you can go to crimeandsports.threadless.com to get some gear or get some tickets for live shows at shutupandgivememurder.com. But even a bigger hero, the thing you can do is go to patreon.com slash crimeandsports. You can make a donation there or head over to PayPal using our email address, crimeandsports

at gmail.com. And God damn it, I can't tell you. Have you noticed this episode? Did you hear any commercials? None. No. So you guys keep this alive, honestly, because you. It's all we get out of this. So thank you guys so much for everything because you've really kept us afloat and you're keeping us afloat.

We cannot do it without you at all. It would just crumble to the ground. It truly would. And saying that, Jimmy, why don't you hit us with the list of people who are goddamn heroes? Who's keeping us alive? Jimmy, hit us with it. Strap in because here we go. It's a long list, guys.

So we can't. We don't have. We're late in the episode already. As you can can't we don't have it's we're late in the episode already as you can see it's going long so uh we're just going to say the names out it's been two weeks and you guys have been amazing you guys we love you to death we just don't want to make the show three and a half hours long so we're jimmy's going to buzz through the names we're going to say them all we're just not going to we're not going to joke about individual names jimmy hit us we have some executive producers this week. Megan Schmelzenbach. Oh, thank you, Megan.

She's so fucking sweet. Oh, we appreciate you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Chrissy Ann Costaldi, every goddamn week is amazing. Marsha Frazier, Carol Hayden, Ewa Tarowska, she's in New York, she's coming to the New York show. You guys keep this show going.

You really do. And Melissa McCormick. Thank you guys so, so much. You make this work. Shannon Feltes, Natalia Drew, Melissa Figueroa, Max Joshua, Victoria Jackman, Heather Chamness, Marissa Wells, again, thank you, Robert Ellis, Sensi Independent Consultant. I don't know who that is. Actually, I do, but I don't know where it's at.

It's in here somewhere. I'll find it. Taffy Salon and Brow Bar. I don't know what that is, but go find it. Sarah Toasty, or Tost. Ashley Boxler. Laura Sauter. Dana Bartram. Sierra Basie. Zachary Dubois.

Jake Labier. He's in here every goddamn week. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Michelle and Michael Kennedy, thank you so much. Mike says he's not the one that we want to punch, so thank you. Good, good. Glad to hear it.

Ross Olson donated, and he said he wants us to propose to his girlfriend using me. So, hey, Christy, marry me, damn it. Love always, Ross with a T. Marry that son of a bitch. So, marry Ross with a T. Marry him. Do that. Yes, do that. You've been proposed to. Now get

happy. That's all you get. Yay. We're getting you laid tonight, Ross. Enjoy. Lindsay Rader, Jennifer Lamb. Jennifer, you're terrific. Thanks. Keep going getting you laid tonight, Ross. Enjoy. Lindsay Rader, Jennifer Lamb. Jennifer, you're terrific. Thanks. Keep going. Keep moving. You're doing great. Susan Olgis, Cassandra Meyer, Jesse Hartman, Morgan Peterson, Carolyn Hoffman, Kelly Snyder, Allison

Keller, Lyft driver, Dan up in... Oh, yeah, Dan Rogers. Yeah, yeah, Dan Rogers. He's terrific. Thanks, Dan. We'll see him this weekend. Right. You're damn right we will. I can't wait. Robina Bryans, I think I said that. Dana Grayson. Steven Manson. Steven Manson.

Jessica Sridhar. Fucking nope. Sorry. Sridhar? I don't know. Terry Staudinger. Heath Mauger. Sherry Jones.

Carrie Jeffrey up in Portland. That is Joe's girlfriend. Thank you so much, Carrie. Appreciate it. Jennifer Matthews. Jennifer Matthews. Nicole O'Brien. That is Joe's girlfriend. Thank you so much, Carrie. Appreciate it. Jennifer Matthew. Nicole O'Brien. Kate Myers. Veronica Kelly.

Angela Banks Mason. Stephen, no, Michael Bailey. Shane Raley. K.A. Keat. Andrea Ramey. Thank you so much, Andrea. She did both PayPal and over at Patreon. Athena Patel.

Thank you, Athena. We'll see you soon. Nicholas Lamyorski. Catherine Collado. Athena Patel. Thank you, Athena. We'll see you soon. Nicholas Lamjorski. Catherine Collado. Atelier Abraham. Christine Lyshal, spelled like Lysol with an H. Oneida Paolo.

Michelle Gerber. Caitlin Kennedy. Melissa Neufeld. Shane Hokey, or Hoxie. Sean Hoxie. Fuck. James Cook. He's in here every damn week. Thank you, brother. Thank you so much. Oak Tree Vintage. That's what that is.

Andrea Peck. Ellery Hirsch. Vinay Gandoshetno. Gangadaran. Gangadharan. You know who you are, Vinay. Jason Davis, Gina Golan, Carla Buckner, Jeanette Holm, Connie Young, Melissa Allen over there in L.A. Thank you so much for coming out to the show.

She's also coming to Sacramento. Slime Warp Vintage. I've got a code for you guys that they want you guys to check some stuff out there. Follow me on Twitter. You'll find it there. Amy McNally, Mike and Michelle, I've already mentioned them. Christina, no, Kristen Quintaliana. That's it.

Quintaliani. That's it. I think so. Fuck. Ingrid Stock, Julia Galtier, Jane Richards, Melissa Hoover, Ross Dolson, I already mentioned him, Nicholas Nipp, Nathan Deal. Laura Cole. Ashley Vo. Ted Cyrus every damn week.

Thanks, Ted. The Colored Shit. Go find that. I think she colors hair or something. Crystal Gennaro. She's terrific. Thank you. Jewel Sherrington.

Micah Shy. Kat Oyala over there. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Kat's terrific. I love her snaps. They're fantastic. Sarah Algoman. She has the funniest. She's good. Cool accent. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Kat's terrific. I love her snaps. They're fantastic. Sarah will go, and she has the funniest, awesome, cool accent.

Yeah, yeah. It's interesting. I don't know how to describe it. It's very interesting. Derek Hillenburg, Jacob Schrag, Christina Womack, Katie Heisel, Joanne Mullins, Michelle Jolly, Tyler Pappenfuss. I don't know. Tyler Pappenfuss. I don't know.

Ruben Buffkin. Steven Mace. Brooke Groening. Carolyn Royal. Dave Hartman. Maggie Lawrence. Josie Pissinger. Pissinger.

Pissinger. Fuck. No. Rissinger. Rissinger. Josie Rissinger. That's it. That's not a P.

That's an R. Brenda K. Lund. That's it. John Strattinger. Adam Redwine. Megan McCann. Lund. That's it. John Strattinger. Adam Redwine. Megan McCann. Megan McMahon. Dinef Dayananda.

I'm ruining it. Megan Muhisen. Muhisen. No, it's Mackenzie Muhisen. Tom Berry. Shelly Green. Green Dolph. Green Hulth. Green Hulthph, Green Holf, Green Holf,

Green Halg, Green Hogue, Timothy Childress, Carol Feely, Des, Des Arthur, Guyann Reese, Jordan Barrett, she came out to San Diego. Thank you so much, Jordan. Bonnie Milne, Bonnie Milne, Barbara Quintero, Linda Seypert.

Kevin Tiedelbaum. Margie Kunze. She's terrific. Thank you so much, Margie. Thank you. She's been around since so long supporting us. Thank you. Marcus Rippentrop.

Emilio Martinez. Under the Sea Fabrics. James Tagalog. Tagalog. Yes. Marsha Boris. 8 Ball Sports Show. I haven't listened to it.

Go give it a shot. Melissa Roker, Linda Bone, Lena Fisher, Jude Kendall, Brianna White, Jason Fuller. Oh, Jason. God damn. Sorry, Jake. Jason Fuller. We love you, brother. Ryan Klaus von Carlton, Drakenschloss.

What? He's a vampire. That man's a vampire. He is, for sure. Definitely. Cheryl Wright, Alicia Patrick, Casey Egan. That's one of the Egan sisters. Hey, love those Egan sisters.

Gotta be. Gotta be one of the... No, it's E-G-A-N. Oh, it's not. No relation at all, Casey. No, we love you, too, but we like the Egan sisters a lot. Trudy and Paige Jones. Those are the ones that had the Etsy thing.

Oh, cool, cool. That's right. That's right. that had the Etsy thing. Oh, cool, cool. That's right. That's right. Tom Coralon, Brooks, Ben Armstrong, Spirit Gal, Aaron Newman, Abby Cook, Helen Watson,

Kate Watson, Jenny Bukowski. Bukowski, yes. That was so close to Bukowski. I'm so sorry, Jenny. Kimberly Ross, Jason Langewitz, Megan Smith. She's fantastic. She's in every week. Thank you, Meg.

Thank you. Doug Hoff, Harvey Redfield, Leanne Asinides, Asianides, Aslanides. Asianides? I don't know what I just did. Abby Fitzgibbon, Tuxedo Common, Timothy Jenkins, Brett Del Simon, Del Simone, Talitha Hennessy, Sarah Gilbo. Oh, she's fantastic. Sarah Gilbo donates every week. Appreciate you so much.

Thank you. Lauren Demerath, Jenny Lowing, Robin Stoica. That's right. Joanne, with no last name. HCK Group, Thomas Bellotti, Jessica Nica, Mary Faust. She's fantastic. Thomas Bellotti, Jessica Nica, Mary Faust, she's fantastic, Matt Bottini, Alexis DeVries, Janice Hill, Lena Namy, Zach Dubois, Araya Strauss is in every week also, thank you, Araya, Emily Stamper, Jennifer Loss, Alyssa Hillis, Cassie Rhodes. Chris Backe. Martin Edwards.

Amanda Guillen. Melissa Figueroa. I already said her, I think. Jen Armstrong. Laura Blakeslee. Katie Hines. Andrea Ramey. Kelly Schultze.

Schultz. Schultze. That's it. Jenny L. Ruby. Jill Kressel. Ashley Doyle. Heither. Heither Westerfield.

I think that's right. Rick Freeman. Emily Bar- Which means it's not. Right. Emily Bartram. Sarah Broom. Desra Glover. Jessica Clark.

J.B. Emery. Wynema Van Zandt. Erin Dalton. Katie Jo Jackson. Mercedes Ordonez. Heather Jean. She's the one that nets for us. Oh, yeah.

Heather Jean from Detroit. We met her in Detroit. She's awesome. Brad Davis. Stephanie Tucci. Stephanie Tucci. And she threatened me and told me if i stephanie tucci how could you fuck that up aaron kurd steven smith s.a. langley gonna be ready let's go get in this stephanie uh skylar legg stanley bunch leslie a.p logis uh brooke wagner andrew eastwood charlie Leslie AP Logis, Brooke Wagner, Andrew Eastwood, Charlie Butel, Sarah Adams, Brent Seiler, Ruth Kayla Stephenson.

Oh, is he? Yes. Thanks, Charlie. Thanks, Charlie. Good looking out, buddy. Yeah, brother. Libby Payette, Rebecca Steckler, Jessica Hartke, Jessica, no, Tracy Pryor, Pamela Strauss. I got that one.

Pamela, bang. Take that. Hey, boom, pal. Terry Stoudiger, Chris, with no last name. Andrea Calkins is fantastic. Thank you, Andrea. James Pugsley. Kristen Merritt.

Jessica Andrews. Catherine Coase. Den Hendrickson. Tanner Mix. Jessica Shannon. Carrie Areta. Katie Dodge. Sean O'Neill.

Andrew Rupp. Megan, with no last name. Bryce Kerr. Kitty McClare. Colleen Fleming, Alyssa Curlucci, Bernadette Robinson, Caitlin Ink, Dana Bartram, Megan Shattuck. That's the one. That's a different one.

Never mind. She's been around for a while, too. Yeah, she's awesome. Megan donated a bunch of times. Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Kristen Reese, Megan Daly, Christopher Galagalaza, Matt Dill, Scott K. I love Tom Brady. That's the one that I don't want to say, but I am

Jimmy Westman, and I love Tom Brady. Fuck. Whatever. It's okay. We'll do anything for money. It shows you how poor we are. Brianna Kalinin, Tamana Van Pelt, Maura Matvey, Leslie Chatham, Crystal Elwes Ormecaric. Nope. Ormechick.

Omrichick. I'm going with that. Last one. Home stretch. Haley Garena, Parker Adelson. Why did I say Scott? I don't know. What did I do? Sherelle Taylor,

Rob Williams, Quinn Riley, Nicole Nicolette Kisileff. That's a tough one. Elizabeth McDade, Chris Dosser, Jade Smith, Kale Washington, Otelia Abraham. That's what it is. Colin F. Spencer. Thanks, buddy.

Lana Ring. Heather Beauchamp. Yes, Beauchamp. Heather Beauchamp. Stephanie Purtle. Lindsay Jacobs. Troy Joseph Graham. Carrie Doberle.

Tara Miller. Katie Mixer. Mixner. Katie Mixner Croft. Charlotte Karuba. Quan Yee Chan. And then Cynthia Lampum. Thank you so much.

You guys are fucking amazing. Everybody, that's amazing. We cannot thank you enough. We're beholden to you way more than any company, advertisers, network, anything else. It's all about you guys, and thank you. We love you to death. That's real. We really, really appreciate it.

It's been really great meeting you guys out at these shows. That's really my favorite part. Coming to a live show. We've had so much fun. We've kind of seen who our audience is. And it's everybody, man. It's different people. It's just so much fun.

I was drinking with you. At San Diego, somebody brought a bottle, passing it around. I drank out of a bottle that a bunch of them had drunk out of. We're having a great time. Parents coming with their 16-year-olds. I love that. This is the only thing we do together. I can't get enough of that.

We listen to your show. That makes me so. So thank you guys so much for everything. You're supporting us both financially and emotionally. Yeah. And we appreciate it very, very much. And we will keep coming back. And what if one of these people wanted to get a hold of you and tell you something,

Jimmy? You can find me at WismanSucks, W-H-I-S-M-A-N Sucks, on Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. I appreciate you guys, everything that you send. You tell me. I appreciate all of it. So thank you guys. And I am at Jimmy P is funny. You can find me there or copy and paste my last name from the show description if you

want to find it that way. Do that. You can't get rid of us. We'll keep coming back. And until next week. Oh, we are a rash. Until next week, everybody. It's been our pleasure.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Small Town Murder early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen early and ad-free with Wondery Plus and Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey. Welcome to the small town of Chinook, where faith runs deep and secrets run deeper.

In this new thriller, available exclusively on Wondery+, religion and crime collide when a gruesome murder rocks the isolated Montana community. Everyone is quick to point their fingers at a drug-addicted teenager, but local deputy Ruth Vogel isn't convinced. She suspects connections to a powerful religious group. Enter federal agent V.B. Loro,

who has been investigating a local church for possible criminal activity. The pair form an unlikely partnership to catch the killer, unearthing secrets that leave Ruth torn between her duty to the law, her religious convictions, and her very own family. But something more sinister than murder is afoot, and someone is watching Ruth. With an all-star cast led by Emmy nominee Sanaa Lathan and Star Wars Kelly Marie Tran, Chinook is available exclusively and ad-free on Wondery+.

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