SmartLess - "Holiday Bonus"

Episode Date: December 25, 2024

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Good morning, oh my god. Good morning. Oh my god, you're eating the cookies. I put them out. Oh my god, there's just crumbs here and all the milk is gone. Or is that Sean? Sean, did you drink the milk? I might have done both.

I might have eaten the cookies and drank the milk. Hey Sean, where are your pants? Uh oh. It's a holiday surprise. Welcome to Smartless. Smart. Less. Smart.

Less. Smart. Less. So what do we got going on for the holidays, you guys? We're going to be... I'm looking to... So what do we got going on for the holidays, you guys? We're going to be? I'm looking to, I'm going to be going to a beach environment and you're going to be there as well, Will.

And I think it's bullshit that Sean's not going to be there. Well, what are we going to do pre-Christmas? We should get together. I'm sure we'll be at a holiday party. Maybe I got the invite for Conan. Are you coming? I think so, yes. But you said that you might not be able to make it.

Because there's another thing on that night that we gotta go to, but that's not starting until nine. So it looks like I can squeeze Conan in. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh no. Wait a minute, wait a minute. No, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

I just get, I guess you just ambush me, Arnett. Bateman, Bateman, you're gonna squeeze me in? Yeah, I'm gonna see, I'm gonna be one of those guys. You're gonna squeeze me in. You're gonna be the early part of my night, the night that I don't really care about because then I'm gonna go to the party that I really wanna go to after this.

Oh, and I know, and guess what? Let me tell you why. Guess what? I know what that party is, by the way. I know what that party is, and if I could get into that party, I'd be at that party instead of my party. Yeah, no, she doesn't like you. Hey, can I tell you something? You're not going. First of all, that is Christiane Amampour loves me and she will have me to her party.

That is the party everyone wants to go to. Let me say something Jason and that's called speed. You'll pick it up someday. Let me say something, Bateman. You bitched, you bitched, you bitched on this podcast. You bitched, you bitched on this podcast. What's it? Live on stage, Conan, remember? And on stage. And on stage.

You bitched and moaned on Harmless. What's the name of it? What is it? It's Harmless. Harmless. You bitched, you bitched. Harmless. You bitched and moaned about not being invited to Conan's Christmas party, which has become

an iconic party. It's quite a thing. Everyone goes... And yet I didn't... And so last year was the first invite, finally. I invited you and what did you do? I couldn't make it. And what were you doing instead?

I can't remember. Yesterday. I remember. I remember what you were doing instead. You were't make it. What were you doing instead? I can't remember, yesterday. I remember. What was I doing? I remember what you were doing instead. You were seeing that. You were at Jen's. No, you were, no! He wasn't at Jen's, in a sense.

I'm gonna go back in my calendar here. December 20, December 20, 23. No, you weren't in town. No. Was it the 23rd? Guess what? A friend of mine saw you. I was at Jen's party.

Nope, you showed up late at Jen's party. A friend of mine saw you at Minakike Mufflers on Los Ciencos. They said that you- That's when the lines are the shortest. They said you were there for four hours, and listen to this, hanging around, hanging around with no need of a muffler repair. Just chatting people up.

I have an electric car, yeah, there's no muffler at all. Conan, the worst part is that I heard that he ripped... He was going to go to your party. He ripped his own muffler off. Yes. Just to delay going to your house. He ripped it off just so he wouldn't have to go. Now look, everyone says,

Oh, would you go to Conan's party? Would you go to Jen Aniston's party? Of course everyone would go to Jen Aniston's party. She's beautiful. She's iconic. She's a movie star. she's a TV star. And what am I, some thin-lipped, beady-eyed creep? I get it, no one comes to my party. But.

Yeah, those were Sean's words once. He said that everyone set up. I never said that. He wrote them in The New Yorker. They were in a piece from The New Yorker called Why No One Likes Conan O'Brien. Sean, Sean, you've been to this party? I've been to this party, but the only reason I get to go

is because I have to go early to set up. It's, oh. Yeah. You have to work it. You have to remember, Sean, before he hit it, on Will and Grace, worked the party for seven years. He was a cater-waiter. Yeah, he was a cater-waiter.

I feel like that's a true story. But that is a true story. I set up some party stuff at Anthony Edwards' house before. Really? Was he kind to you? He was very kind, he was very kind. Good guy. But Conan's party, your party's always super fun.

Wait, Conan, don't start going like, good guy. What are you, the decider of like, this guy? Good guy. You don't know. You can't judge people. Can I say something? I'll tell you who a good guy is. A good guy is someone who, I think I've done Smart List a couple times,

sort of the boost the numbers for you guys a little bit, and helped you get launched, I think, which was a big help. People were like, I don't want to hear these guys, who are these gotta work actors? And then, hey, Conan's going on, I'll check it out. But listen, then, so I did that for you guys, okay? Then, to return the favor, Sean Hayes,

Ben here, talk to me on my podcast. Will Arnett comes sometimes when we don't even invite him, just hanging around, holding onto his muffler, and then- How have I not been invited? Oh, you have been invited to my podcast many times. No way. Many times. No way.

Many times. Adam, many times. Many times. And your publicist, this is a quote from your publicist, not his cup of tea. Not his cup of tea. Bullshit! That's fucking bullshit.

I swear on my kid's life, I can't remember being invited onto your show. Ask Adam if this is true. Conan, ask Adam if this is true. Adam, how many? Three times he said he couldn't make it because of prior muffler engagements. Okay, alright. Listen, that's a three-time callback and that's a felony. Listen, Adam, Adam, Adam, is it not true

that he has been invited many times and that his publicist, I don't remember her name, I think it's Enid Crud, I think is her name, said not his cup of tea. No, I'm not with her. I can confirm he's been invited multiple times. You left Crud? Wow.

No, I'm texting Kara Trepichio and Christine Trepichio right now saying show me the receipts of my invites to Conan. That's right, because there's always a money exchange when I ask you to come up. Oh, have I ever been? Do you think that they're gonna let you feel bad about this? This is their businesses,

just dancing around your rage fits, babe, and there's no way that they're gonna feed into this. And now tell you something. Conan, how do you. Yeah, and now say something, say something. Conan, how do you spell your name real quick? Okay, all right. Jason, if that's even your real name. I-N or A-N. Jason, it's K-O-N-I-N.

Jesus. Did you hear the little whoop that text just went off? In real time, we're gonna get a response here. But wait, but now, but Jason, you're gonna go this year for the very first time. This is gonna be super fun. To the party, but not to the podcast. I would like to be a guest on Kona's podcast.

You have been invited! Kona has a podcast empire. You have been invited. He's our North Star, what he's been able to build there with that podcast empire. And I would like to go see how it's really done. Well, thank you. And you know what?

Right off camera, he was going like this. And just so in case anyone knows, that's either the jerk off motion or the shucking porn motion. I don't know what that is Wait, you know, I'm gonna wrap this up soon because I have a guest when is Taylor Swift coming in She's coming in now. She's coming in. Oh my god. I don't know what the cat you guys probably had her but Anyway, she's coming in which she's coming in with no Travis Kelsey. I'm the white whale Anyway, why are you wearing? Why are you wearing such a thick leather jacket indoors? Yeah, leather jacket indoors, yeah.

I was given this leather jacket by the actors who portrayed both Starsky and Hutch about 15 years ago. And I swore they said, we'll give this to you if you wear it on the podcast every day, and I do. I do, and it's very cold here in our studio because we also store, we use to have meat storage facility primarily. Look at that, you do have a beautiful studio there. We're hostage videos here with little laptops.

I find to really get a great interview, I haven't really listened to what you guys are doing, but to get a really good interview, you want to be in person and have a real connection. By the way, let us know if, when you do get a good interview, let us know if your theory bears out. Oh!

We'd love to hear. Nap! We'd love to hear. Now Conan, if I were ever to be invited to be on your podcast, would I have to drive to you and be in some studio and be camera ready and hair and makeup and all that? That's not a chance.

I'll make a deal with you. Okay, Jason, I'm gonna deal with you. I don't ever want you to leave your bubble. I want you to stay in the world where you're it and everything's cool. So I would probably... Wait, here's a real time response from my publicist. I said, have I ever been invited to be on Conan's podcast?

And? She says, yes. Yes! And you asked us to tell them you were focused on your own for now. Wow! Exclamation point. Yeah, and how many years have you guys been focusing on your own?

Holy shit. This isn't a new endeavor for you guys. I'm so embarrassed. When was that? Yeah, yeah. I don't remember that at all. Oh, right, no. And I make it a point to do people's podcasts

that have been so nice with us. Done Dax's multiple times. Oh, multiple times for Dax, oh that's nice. David Cross's one that I don't even know if it's on the air anymore. Listen, that has never actually gone out. David Cross's is just. What's the address?

I'm driving over there right now. No, no, no, I don't want you here anymore. I'm driving, tell Taylor to pump it. And she's now the second guest. Can I tell you something else? This is gonna be an awkward Christmas. I don't buy this whole thing, and I don't think your compatriots on the podcast do either.

This whole thing that, oh, someone who works for me was cruel and mean on my behalf. That's coming from you, Bateman. No, exactly. That's coming from you. Yes, you asked us to tell them you were focused on your offering. I'm admitting to there was some garbage

that came out of my mouth that I don't remember, but I'm not denying. And I owe you a hugey, and I'm going to come over and give it to you. Right now, that's your entrance. No, no, no, I don't want you there now. I think that's the truth. No, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Because what am I going to do? I'm your new sidekick. I'm going to stand around and twist. I'm your new Andy Richter. I can't wait. I'm your podcast Andy Richter for at least 12 episodes. I'm gonna sit around at my party and watch You Not Eat and then look at your watch while you think about,

oh, when am I gonna go see Jen's? I gotta go to Jen's. I gotta go to Jen's. I wanna be there when she's getting a, you know, a dry blow haircut, whatever it's called. I wanna be there when she's styled. No, I'm not, I'm not. It's a blowout at a dry bar.

Okay, well I'm sorry. I didn't grow up in Hollywood like you freaks. I come from the real working class. I'm from Toronto, you asshole. Oh yeah, Toronto, North La Cienega. That isn't even funny. I'm giving you stuff that's C plus material at best. Would you ever, hey Conan,

would you ever get a blowout on your hair? Let's just say it's been done He knows what that means nobody know what I'm gonna be honest with you will I don't understand Okay means okay, and if you want it if you want to drive a truck you want to drive the best truck possible If I will say this about you Conan I'm gonna play a compliment here because it is a professional. I will say this about you Conan, I'm gonna put you in compliment here because it is the holidays. And I will say this, I did your podcast years ago, the first time I did it, I did a live show, I've done a lot, I've helped you out a lot.

You've done a lot, you've helped me out a lot. You know what, you repaid the favor that you, the three of you, two of you have repaid it, very kindly, thank you. Yeah, and I will say it was after doing your podcast, I was able to come back and I said to these guys, I said, if this frickin' ding-dong, or no, if Conan can... What are we doing?

What are we doing? You know what I mean? What's the fella's name over there? Adam? What's his name? Adam, Adam says. Adam, okay, Adam. I know Adam here.

Adam's great. Hi, Adam. Hi, Adam. Let's just make sure you got a good Wi-Fi signal there on your phone or bars or something like that Let's just keep an eye on it. We got an incoming We're gonna book it right now I'm gonna guess toast when you need to go out of town and vacation with your beautiful family going you need someone to go in there

I'm going to the beach you guys are going to. Aren't you going to a beach together? I want to go to that beach. I want to hang with, we'll do it from the beach. I want to do it with the, I just want to hang with the smart was crowd. That's the cool crowd on the block. No one wants to hang with you. Oh, it came, they're here, she's got follow up here.

The request came in when you were filming Black Rabbit and then they followed up to ask. Okay, so this is in process. So this is in process. What's Black Rabbit? This is the live project. Black Rabbit's a new show, it's gonna be on Netflix next year.

His new show is gonna be on Netflix. He's amazing in it. Oh, I'm gonna come on and promote it on your show. Sorry. Oh, so you'll come when it's time to promote something. Okay. Well, I hope you get the word out on Black Rabbit. Call Adam immediately.

Listen, listen, guys, let's end on a happy note, which is it's the holidays. And hey, you're the best looking guys I know. I love you guys, you're hilarious. Love you too, Colin, it's the broom. Two of you have meant a lot to me. And I just wanna say I look forward to seeing you at my party.

And then we'll all leave after three minutes and go to Jen's Thank you Conan for the holiday cheer we love you I love you, and I'm sorry and the payback is gonna be you're gonna you're gonna feel horrible how much I give You're gonna feel horrible how much I give in the days to come. In the days to come, he's doing your podcast this Saturday, he's gonna give a speech standing next to the ham. I'm gonna break 16 hams. Guys, I gotta go. T-Swift is here. Peace out. Peace out. Thank you, Conan. You're the best.

Bye, Conan. Bye-bye, you guys. God damn it. Peace out. Peace out. Thank you, Conan. You're the best. Bye, Conan. Bye-bye, you guys. God damn it. Smart. Blast. Smart.

Blast. Smart. Blast. Smart. Blast.