SmartLess - "Kumail Nanjiani"

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

This week we host the illustrious Kumail Nanjiani to discuss weight gain tips, the definition of a real man, and a snake fighting a mongoose. “Happy birthday, thank you very much!”Please support us by supporting our sponsors!Disclaimer: 21+ in select states. First online real money wager only. Refund issued as nonwithdrawable free bets that expires in 14 days. Restrictions apply. See terms at sportsbook.fanduel.com. Gambling Problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit FanDuel.com/RG (CO, IA, MI, NJ, PA, IL, VA), 1-800-NEXT-STEP or text NEXTSTEP to 53342 (AZ), 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-9-WITH-IT (IN), 1-800-522-4700 or visit ksgamblinghelp.com (KS), 1-877-770-STOP (LA), 1-877-8-HOPENY or text HOPENY (467369) (NY), TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), 1-800-522-4700 (WY), or visit www.1800gambler.net (WV).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

So, so, uh, so listener, this is a, this is a threesome intro, um, and we just, well, I think it's, uh, it's, it's safer to call it that so that there's no, there's no surprises. Um, you know, let's label it as dangerous as possible. Let's establish some rules and then enjoy the threesome. You know, should we say, should we say our names in the threesome? It's better not to know your names. Um, what would your, what would your safe word be? Well, let's just start by cutting all these lights.

Um, I, I just know that darkness is usually the best. You just let whatever happens happen. Yeah. My safe word is chicken and waffles. Chicken and waffles. Okay. And this is very dark in here now. This is great.

Okay. And I will just, mine will be Constantinople. And what about yours friend with the, ooh, that's Hansy. Is that you? I'm done. You're already finished. Huh. Well, then let's get to the show.

Here's smart. Let's start. Smart. Smart. Now you were going to say something of great importance. No, I just said I have two openers. I could tell you about my colonoscopy. Or I could, we could talk about Scotty's birthday today.

Oh, what do you mean two openers? Are you two openers? Do you think about what you're going to talk about before we come on air? Well, just before I came on, I was like, oh, it's Scotty's birthday. And I wanted to tell you about my colonoscopy. Well, first of all, you don't have to call them openers. Okay. First of all, I know you hate that jet.

You hate that. If you can't, guys, let's not fight already. Let me just say this. If you can't decide whether to talk about your husband's birthday, your colonoscopy, then you guys, you guys are a rubble. They are synonymous. Well, they're very... I mean...

Anyway, well... When was your colonoscopy? How did it go? Can we pick? Well, colonoscopy is really fast. I mentioned this to Jason the other day and he's like, you got to tell us in the pocket. So when I had earlier this summer, I had my colonoscopy and I was like, I got to think of something right before I go under.

And so... Why do you have to think of it? Because you want to entertain the group. I just want to go out on a joke. Go out on a joke. In case you don't come back, you want to be able to do the last thing that you made doctors laugh. Yeah, I got it.

I think you thought about an opener for today, so you were thinking about a closer for your colonoscopy. Keep going. And now Chew. Go ahead, Sean. And Chew. No. So, you know, I was in the little operating room.

There was like two nurses at the doctor, the anesthesiologist, whatever, and you're on your side with your ass hanging out, bare ass. And I go, let me know when the propofol goes and you know the anesthesia. And they go, okay, it's going in. I go, and they go, count backwards from 10. And I go, 10, nine, whatever you do, don't touch my asshole, and then I was out. And did you ask for a review of your joke when you woke up? Great question.

Did it work? Nobody cared. But did they laugh? I think I heard a couple of chuckles as I was leaving. Don't you touch my ass. Imagine the jokes they get. I know, I can't even. Imagine the jokes that accountants decide to make in those moments.

We're Sean. We're Sean. I remember being real lippy when I woke up and still kind of somewhat inebriated from the, from the anesthesia. I made, I made some, some, some inappropriate jokes to the doctor there. He's a professional. Don't you sleep really well after that though? I love it.

Yeah. So how were things? Did, did they, did they chop anything out? Everything's fine. Everything's, he said, you might want to think about losing a couple of pounds, but other than that. No, he didn't. Did he really?

Yeah. Yeah. I had an endoscopy too and he, I have like a tiny, what does that mean? It was something through the mouth. You know, they look down your throat to look at your stomach as well as your asshole. Did the two cameras meet somewhere in the middle or like to run your stomach? Did they go, hello? Yeah.

We got coverage. We got coverage. Did they have a special camera that can get through chin chin, food, lay in the stomach, that can burrow? Scratch through a few dumplings. Yeah. What? Yeah.

No. Anyway. How is hydrohypochondriac are going? Good. Really well. I feel like we're on an episode right now. I know. Forget it.

Let's move on. No, let's not move on. Let's move on to your husband's birthday. Yeah. No, it's good. Thank you very much. Would you, would you get Scotty for his birthday? So I got him.

You guys, you love this. I got him some Ray-Ban sunglasses. I got him some Ray-Ban sunglasses. You want him some Calvin Klein underwear. You want a Viori shorts because he loves the ones I always wear. I got him shorts and sunglasses. Yeah. Viori.

You want him to wear shorts. I love this thing. He wanted the Godfather trilogy, 50th anniversary 4K. Oh my God. You got him VHS tapes, shorts and sunglasses. I would punch you in the face, then break up with you. They're not VHS. I called Sean the other day.

I called Sean the other night and they were having friends over and they were watching, they were watching Rogue One. Yep. You know why? Because you had a 13 year old over? Because they couldn't be more bored. Because they couldn't be more bored. Is that why?

Is the answer because they couldn't be more fucking bored? Such a good movie. I love that movie. Okay. And then because we were getting ready to watch Andor, which is the prequel to Rogue One. How does one get ready? Is there like hamstring stretching? You watch the Rogue One.

Andor. Oh yeah, I heard about that. I like to refer to no butt. Are you going to watch it? No, but that's because I'm a fucking grown up. I can't wait to watch it. I can't wait to steal that joke at your next boar fest. I can't wait for the fucking.

Oh my God. It's so early. I feel like we're on tour again. I know. I feel it's terrible. And then we're eating and then we're just lazy. Oh God. Okay.

Here we go. Just one eating. This fellow was not born in this country today. Oh, let's get to the guest. In college, he double majored in philosophy and computer science. And he comes from a family of doctors. What? Yep.

He really broke the pattern though when moving to the United States to pursue acting and comedy. One of his inspirations when breaking into comedy was Hugh Grant's performance in Four Weddings in a Funeral. Well, now he's inspiring me and the masses because he's a freaking comedy genius. Please welcome the brilliant Oscar-nominated Camille Nanjani. No way. Hey.

Hey guys. Wow. Look at this fellow. This is Will's co-star. Wait a second. Wait a second. How's it going? Really good.

Is this as exciting as you and McGregor? Camille. Wow. Only the beginning. This is so on brand for Camille now because he's going to put us in a tough spot. He came out with a question, which is what I love about him because he never rests. Wait. So have you guys, do you guys all know each other?

Because Camille, we've never met. We've never met. Camille and I did, Camille very kindly did season one of Murderville and he was, I got to say this, you were brilliant. Very much so. Thank you. I had such a great time. What a great idea for a show.

For those of it, for Tracy, if you haven't seen it, it's a scripted show except for the guest and me and Jason just experienced this because we were just on. The guest has no lines, no knowledge of anything that's going on. So they kind of have to go with Will who guides you through the episode. That's right. Based on an English show called Murder and Successville created by the brilliant Tom Davis. And we were lucky enough to come and bring and do our version here in Camille was in season one.

How did you enjoy it? I had a great time. It was thrilling because you really, it's like, and you guys don't cheat at all. So in between takes, I'm in a separate room. Nobody's talking to me. Will, you didn't talk to me as well until we wrapped. So I really had like, you really sort of have no idea it's action. You walk into a scene.

It was thrilling because I didn't have to sort of prepare. And sometimes, you know, I get like nervous about that stuff, but it was great. And it was honestly, I was kind of trying to like paint you into a corner a bunch of times. Well, yeah, and you wouldn't have it. It was really impressive. You can't, you can't beat Terry Seattle. It was really tough.

I really was like, there was one moment off camera where I was like, I got him. Fucking got this guy. And then it was the moment. What was the moment? I don't remember what it was exactly, but I remember being like, I was just riffing with you off camera and I said something and I was like, watch him wriggle out of this. And then I did. You got out infuriating.

Oh, is when is when you asked me to do an impression of you? No, that was on camera. And that was very funny. That was very good. But I got, but experiencing it on my own, I truly am not just saying this. There's no one more brilliant at improv and moving things along than Mr. Will Arnett. Oh, and Jason Bateman.

Thank you, Sean. It's true. It's true. It's true. You know, you know, you know who Vince Vaughn is very, very good at. Yes. I will say that. Well, we don't need to get into other people.

I'm just saying, you know, Peter Sellers was good too. Hey, listen, but Kumail, so these guys, Sean and Jason. Those are the three greats of improv. Will Arnett, Peter Sellers and Vince Vaughn. Yeah. Fine. They'll mount Rushmore, if you will. Kumail, these guys came and did it just recently.

Sean and Jason did. We're doing big Christmas special, holiday special. Laugh Man. And we had a lot of fun. They got to see firsthand. Jason was sequestered for two days in a trailer with no Wi-Fi. Yeah. Or water or food.

Yeah. I thought that was excessive. I mean, you can take me to set in a blindfold. That's fun. Hey, look at this. Yeah. But keeping me in a hole without any food or water. I understand how that foments comedy or good feelings, good energy.

Wanted you to be hungry. You know, one needs just the basics. Sure. Well, listen, you made it through. I don't know how hashtag we're all, we're in this together and hashtag bless, but. I'm a question for you to did will talk to you as well. Or was he Terry, the two days until you wrapped. He was a little Terry.

He was a little will. He actually did a very, very good job at being, being the, being the boss over there, the, the, the producer and making sure everybody was okay and doing well. He was, that was, that was awesome. I could have been better. No, you could not have better. You, you never seen you work so hard and you've worked hard. Yeah, it's amazing.

That really was your set. It was a lot of fun. Well, I came out, I, I got to say one of the things that I really loved about having you on the show was, and that I realized about you is a, you're a really good guy. You're an easy guy to hang out with. You didn't assume that going in. I didn't know. You never know with people.

Yeah. It was more, I didn't know you. I didn't know if you were going to be, you know, at Johnny big shot. You had a bunch of, you know, you're coming off a Silicon Valley Marvel. You're like super buff and I had to keep pointing out that I work out too. You did. Cause he's actually, it doesn't look like I do. Wait, but now that Marvel's over, do you just not give a shit and you eat anything you want?

No. No, no, he's in crazy shit. Yeah. Your body's crazy. It's amazing. Oh, thank you. I did just do a thing that I gained like 25 pounds for. Like I had to be looked different and now I'm in the process.

Oh, Shippendales. Yeah. I'm in the process of losing it. Yeah. You had to, you had to put on fat to be in Shippendales. Yeah. The guy who founded Shippendales was, did not look like them. And part of the story is this guy's king of a world that he doesn't fit in, you know,

cause it's all these like white dudes who look like Adonis and then this guy was like a bigger guy who did not look like a male stripper. So I had to, I had to change. You had to put on 25 pounds of belly. So how did you do, what was your, you could do it a bunch of different ways, eat a bunch of different stuff. What was your choice? Put your butter down. I, this is a way to do it healthy, you know, and then there's a way I did it, which is

I just ate pies and fries and fried chicken. Yeah, Sean, they keep, they keep moving the start date on whatever you're gaining weight for you. Cause gaining weight for is called anoscopy. Sean, you look fucking great. By the way, I've only had general anesthesia once. I was a kid. I had an ear operation and I made the exact same joke going in. Don't touch my ass.

I was eight years old. Right. That's right. Very inappropriate. Sean, eight year olds are making your joke. And it was an ear surgery. Oh no. Wait, come out.

How hard is it taking off the, the pies and milkshakes? Me? The hardest part is readjusting to having to eat healthy. Like, you know, honestly, when I start, cause I was eating so unhealthy, I was eating four huge meals every day. So losing the first, like 10 was pretty easy, just going back to normal. The hard thing is not having that expectation of every day I can eat whatever I want. That's very tricky.

It's hard to like rewire to that cause your, your taste palate changes, you know, like I, there was a time when I was like, you know, eating a certain way. I was like, fruit is so good. I remember I would bite into a pear and go. This is like the greatest dessert in the world. And then after gaining the weight, I was like, pear suck compared to like cheesecake. So bland. Yeah.

I just say, let yourself eat whatever you want. That's right. But Sean, you just put sriracha on anything, right? And then down it goes. Yep. One way, one way. So wait, listen, Camille, I, my friend Chuck Sekula is in your show. Shout out.

And as a Chippendale, yeah, I've known him since I was 18 years old. And I texted him last night if he has any stories with you. And his text back to me was in the first two episodes, he said he, you might remember him at the hot dog vendor they find on Venice Beach. And then I said, do you have any good stories with you? And Camille goes, no good stories. No, I have no. He was the hot dog vendor who becomes the dancer.

Yes. He was great. Okay. Thanks. That's it. He was awesome. He wore a crazy mullet for the show. He did.

Can't wait to see it. But wait, the trailer looks great. I love it. It looks really good. From hot dog vendor to Chippendale's dancer, there's sort of a correlation there. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. I don't know.

I'm just, I don't have it yet, but I'm in a montage right now where, and I'm in Camille's sort of perspective and we're blending hot dogs and dancing and he starts to get this idea, this big homoerotic light bulb goes off in his head. Because he's holding a hot dog. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I actually see somebody holding a hot dog down by their waist and I'm like, wait.

Sure. Just dancing. Oh, there it is. You want sauerkraut? What is happening? We'll be right back. Hey, smart list listener. We get support from FanDuel.

Football season is underway in the thick of it. We're in the thick of it. So now is the perfect time to download FanDuel, America's number one sports book. Because right now new customers get a no sweat first bet up to $1,000. That's free bets back if your first bet doesn't win. Just sign up with promo code smart list. Because listen, I'm going to talk about the things you're going to like about FanDuel. FanDuel has all your favorite bets from the money line to point spreads to player props.

You can combine your bets for a chance at a bigger payout with the same game parlay. With live betting, you'll get updated odds on games that have already started. The app is safe, secure, and super easy to use. Get your winnings paid fast. I'm ripping off my shirt. So sign up today with promo code smart list for your no sweat first bet. Make every moment more this season with FanDuel official sports book partner of the NFL. 21 plus exclusions apply.

C show notes for full disclaimer. Smart list is sponsored by better help. So I don't know if anybody knows me really well and you guys are getting to know me a little better is I'm kind of like a, I have one of those caretaker personalities. And a lot of times those personalities, you kind of put yourself last. And so it's something I'm working on through therapy. And fortunately, you know, therapists are trained to help you figure out the cause of challenging emotions and learn productive coping skills, which makes therapy the closest thing to a guided tour of the complex engine called you.

So for me, I have to learn how to kind of put myself first and and just perfect example. Jason just texted me. And and I stopped talking to answer him because I wanted him to feel good that I was there for him. But I need to focus on this and being there for you guys. So it's something I'm working on and something I think a lot of people struggle with is the anxiety that goes with being a caretaker and or having a caretaking personality or as it's commonly known, it's like a people pleaser. So those are my issues. What are yours?

Don't tell me now use better help. As the world's largest therapy service, better help has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus it's affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren't clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn't be simpler. No waiting rooms, no traffic, no endless searching for the right therapist.

Learn more and save 10% off your first month at betterhelp.com. That's better help H-E-L-P dot com slash smart list. Smart list listeners. This episode is brought to you by Zell. When anyone sends you money or if you need to get paid back, always ask for Zell. With Zell, the money goes straight into your bank account. You don't have to download another app because it's probably already in your banking app. It's in over 1600 different banking apps and it works even if the center bank somewhere different than you in the United States.

Jason, Will and I use Zell to pay each other back all the time. Jason and I have both visited Will's summer home on the East Coast and we paid him back for meals and other stuff with Zell. We have also used Zell for things like splitting the bill for group dinners as well as paying each other back for gifts we brought together for like a mutual friend or coworkers or whatever. And so when we need to get paid back, we always ask each other for Zell. Look for Zell and your banking app today. All right, back to the show. Okay, so Camel, we don't know each other.

I'd like to start at the beginning like we often do on this. Pakistan, what was it like growing up there? What made you move to the United States and give us all that stuff because I don't know those answers. And what was the name of your high school girlfriend? Keep going. That's a callback to Murderville with Sean. You have not watched. I will watch your episode. It was, you know, it's hard to say because it's just what my life was.

So it was the same as kind of here, I guess. Yeah, but my thing is like there's a million cultural differences between Pakistan culture and American culture. What were some of that that you're thankful for and what are some that you really miss that, you know, I mean, the way when I you're thankful for for the move. Wow, what do I mean? I missed the food, you know, I mean, our food is the best food in the world. I was just what's your favorite, favorite, favorite Pakistani food? Yes, biryani. It's like biryani. What is that? What is that?

What goes on? There's rice, there's meat, there's some meat in there. And what you do is, and that's the way my mom makes it, which is because of where she's from. She's from a town in India called Calcutta. You put potatoes in there too. But the whole thing with biryani is how slow can you cook it? You know, that's like the, oh, I cooked this for six hours, seven hours, eight hours. That's the thing of it. And you know, my grandmother's biryani was the best biryani I'd ever had. And my mom's was like the second best. It was like 5% worse, but it was so close. Yeah.

And my grandmother passed away a few years ago and this time I was with my parents and I ate my mom's and it was like only 3% worse. She's like, she's getting there. Do you, do you great? Do you let her know? Do you go like, hey, you're getting better? I did. Oh my God, you're a tough customer. No, that's compliment. I think it meant a lot to her because she started crying. I don't know if it was good crying or bad crying. But Camel, what don't you miss?

Sean could walk you through some of the nice rice dishes at Chin Chin. Maybe you can find a nice little replacement. By the way, you just order, you order a side of rice with all of the options. And there you go. Rice is my favorite thing. That was the hardest thing to give up. What don't, what don't you miss about accent? This question is a trap and I'm not falling. It's a trap.

Okay, fine. No, I just didn't know if it was like a. Everything's a trap. What moves you guys to the next stage? I'm fine. This is a dick fest. Kind of like speaking a hot talk. I'd like my show.

Welcome to Chippendales. Transition to Chippendales. Here we go. Dick fest. Tell us your favorite part of Chippendales. Favorite part? I mean, I think it's a really, really great show. I genuinely do.

I think my favorite part is working with the other actors. They were so, do you guys see white lotus? Yes. Murray Bartlett. I hear. Oh my God. It's one of the best shows I've ever seen. It's so good.

And Murray's in our show and he's fantastic. I got to work with Julia Lewis, you know, I've been a fan of forever. She's amazing. Annaly Ashford, who's like a Broadway legend. She's one of Tony's. So did you have to do any dancing? I didn't, which was good because I can't do it.

No, not much of a dancer. Would you, would you have, but you did, you did an Eternals. I tried an Eternals. Let's say you, let's say you, let's say they wanted you to play the lead in the Chip and Dale thing, which means you had to do a lot, a lot of dance,

a lot of pole work. Would you have, would you have said yes? Well, I want to clarify, I did play the lead, but I didn't have to. The lead dancer, sorry. Okay, cool it. Camille, all right. Jesus.

Can I get back to, I just want to know what made your family move from Pakistan and the United States. And then we're going to double back to the pole dancing. Go ahead. It was actually love of pole dancing that made my family move. They were like, we should know where that happens.

No, I moved on my own for college. My family didn't move until many, many years later. So I just moved on my own. I went to Grinnell College in Iowa because I honestly didn't know that, I didn't understand how big America was and I only knew America from movies and TV shows. And I, I was not very represented.

So I was very surprised. I thought it was all New York and LA. And then suddenly, you know, I'm with pigs and corn. So it was just a, just a desire to change scenery. Well, I think the plan was always for my family to move out of Pakistan and come to America. That was always the plan. So the school they sent me to was one where the most of the,

you know, education was in English. And that the plan was to always try and move to America. If possible. And did you are, did you, were you taught English before you left Pakistan? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I grew up, you know, I learned English in school,

but I also learned, I grew up watching so many movies and TV shows. Well, I thought that was funny that Hugh Grant was your inspiration. Not that he's not talented and funny and all those great things. Yeah. But who else?

Well, you know, Bill Murray, obviously, like Ghostbusters was my favorite, favorite thing. Yeah. Are you afraid of no ghost? I am afraid of ghost. Oh, okay. Yeah. Which is why it was an aspirational love of Bill Murray

for being afraid of no ghosts. I really, yeah. But I remember in school, I think it was kindergarten or first grade. I remember when I first started reading, learning English and being like very upset that I'm like, I already know how to say all this stuff. Why do I need a whole other way of saying tiger?

You know, I already know this. So I remember the first time I started learning English. So you learned a lot of English from just watching television. I think I learned to be like very conversant in English watching television and movies. Wow. And it was all the movies you guys watched, like, you know, Star Wars and Indiana Jones

and all that stuff. Yeah. But you, but what I want to get into, Camille, if we can just jump, because so you come here, you go to college here, fast forward a few years later, you work a bunch, and then you and your wife write this film. Emily Gordon, amazing.

Emily Gordon, write this film together. Yes. The Big Sick, directed by my old friend, Michael Showalter, whom I've known for years and years and years. Talk us through that process, how it came about, how it came to be, and how the film, you know, was brilliant.

And you guys, you know, obviously winning Oscars and all that. And Apatow, Judd, how did you get involved with that? Judd, yeah. We didn't win. We got nominated. Sorry, sorry, nominated. Get out one and honestly cannot be upset

because Get Out is a fantastic movie. Yeah, so how did it all come about? What's the genesis of all of it? So I basically was, I'd sort of done a very, very small blink and you miss it part in five-year engagement with Jason Siegel and Emily Blunt that Judd produced, just one scene. And then I was at South by Southwest Festival in Austin.

I used to go do stand-up comedy there all the time. And I did this talk show that Pete Holmes used to host and Judd was one of the guests. And I was one of the guests. And Judd was like, hey, you're that guy who was one line in my movie. And I was like, yeah, I'm such a big fan. Nice to meet you.

He was very nice. He was very complimentary because I hadn't seen the movie yet. He's like, you're so great. And you really get a big laugh exactly when we need it. And when I watched the movie, I was like, he was just being nice because it's truly a nothing part. He's a nice fella. He's a nice fella.

But we did this talk show together and we sort of hung out that weekend and had a great time. And then when I got home that week, my manager called and was like, hey, Judd Apatow called. And he wants to meet you. And he wants to know if you have any like movie ideas. And so I sort of wrote down like five ideas, all like kind of, you know, dumb ideas.

And I went and pitched them to him like this. One really was about a ghost which it's a ghost which is also a wish, like a wish dies. And then it's a ghost and he's like, these are all really fun. And then I was like, and then, you know, my girlfriend was in a coma for two weeks, right? When we first started dating and I hung out with her family the whole time.

And he was like, yes. Did you guys start dating when she was in a coma? That's when we started. Yeah. She's such a good listener. No, but seriously, I mean, all jokes aside, wait, she went into a coma within, when you first started dating?

A few months. Wow. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, it is crazy. Talk us through that a little bit, as much as you're comfortable with. We were dating a few months.

I met her, I met this girl and, you know, I was like, wow, she's really, really awesome. And I think we were dating about six or seven months, but it really was just dating. We weren't living together. Right. I don't think, I don't know if, I don't think we'd said I love you or anything yet.

And then suddenly one day, she was, she hadn't been feeling well for a couple of weeks. I don't know how much detail anyway. No. I was at a show and I couldn't get in touch with her. And I remember like, I was just calling and calling and calling and, because she was going to go to the doctor in the afternoon and I just couldn't get in touch with her and had a terrible set.

And at 11 p.m. Yeah. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. Sorry about that. You know, it didn't really, didn't really get a lot. There's also something kind of, anyway, I'll tell you about that in a second.

And then at 11, she called and she was like, hey, I'm in the hospital. And so, and she told me where she was and I ran over. You tell her about the set? Yeah. I mean, I opened with the set. I'd love to come, but I'm pretty banged up about this. Yeah. I got to go do some rewriting.

I'm going to go sign up for another open mic. I got to wash this taste out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. This really is an emergency. I need a good set.

How many emergencies? I mean, that is how I opened. I was like, honey, I'm trying to get in touch with you. I had a bad set and I really need to vent. Yeah. Good for you. But there's a scene in the movie where I sort of walk through the hospital and I find Zoe Kazan who plays Emily in the movie.

And it's very similar. You know, you sort of feel like you're going into this weird world. And I saw her sitting in her hospital bed and she just looks so different than she did this morning. You know, she was like hooked up to all this kind of stuff. And then she, the doctor came, the nurse came and I was like, can we go home? And she said, no, we have to wait until the doctor comes in at 6am. So they gave her a room.

The doctor came in at 6am, saw her, he came out and he was like, hey, so we need to intubate her right now. This is all in the movie, but it's really true. They were like, we need to intubate her. And I was like, what does that mean? And they're like, well, you know, we have to put her on a machine, things in her neck and we're going to put her in a medically induced coma. And I was like, what?

They're like, we have to do it. So we need somebody to sign this. And I was like, they were like, are you her husband? And I was like, no, and people don't believe this part of the story. It's completely true. He's like, we, she needs to go into this thing. We need a family member to sign this. So you need to just like lie to us and just sign it because this needs to happen.

Wow. And I remember I signed it and they ran into a room. It was her and like three or four other guys. And I just watched them do it. Like I watched them do, they should not have, they should have been like, hey, sir, take a walk, go to the vending machine or something. But I watched, I watched them do it. What the hell?

What was she suffering from Kerry? Are you allowed to say? Yeah. So she, I don't want to talk about her diagnosis too much because that's her story. She talks about it, but she eventually got diagnosed with something called adult onset stills disease, which is sort of like arthritis, but for the organs. And so it attacks your lungs, kidneys, heart, you know, it got any treatment for it. Yes.

And then later, so this treatment at the time was steroids. They just pumper full of steroids. It's episodic. So it's something that comes on, you know, she's lucky. She only feels it about once a year. But once you know what it is, you take the pill and that's good. It is. And then 10 years later, she got diagnosed with another thing called CVID,

which is common variable immunodeficiency. And that there is a new treatment for and she goes and gets this treatment every month. Her basically a body does not make antibodies at all. Like the normal level is like 1200 and her level was literally one, like it was one. And so she basically has to go get this infusion every month and now she's, you know, she's doing really well. She's great. You want to know what a small world it is.

You are a spokesperson for up the antibodies. That's right. Right. And my niece is the senior project manager of that campaign. Oh, really? Isn't that crazy? You know, Sean last week, he went to have his colonoscopy and when he kept the doctor looked at her and he said that he's got what he described as an antibody.

Yeah. Yeah. Not quite formed fully. So wait, so listen, I heard, I heard, and then you guys turned this whole thing into this great movie and I heard the movie ended up on porn hub. Is that, is that true? The entire movie? Yeah.

I think they do that sometimes, you know, like certain movies just end up on porn hub. We were on porn hub for a second. That's crazy. The whole movie? Yeah. It got pirated. I'll say. I don't know how many views it got.

I should have checked. That's crazy that it was on there. But Judd was really, Judd didn't directed, Michael Showalter directed it, but Judd really, really taught us how to write on that movie. We wrote it for three years and, you know, he would rip apart every draft until we got one that he liked. Talk to me about Emily auditioning to play herself and not getting the part and Zoe taking it.

How was that? Was that a painful process? She just wasn't off book. She was looking at her sides and that's unprofessional. I was like, you lived it. You should know these lines. Yeah. This isn't radio.

Learn your lines. Yeah. Yeah, honey. Please. How about some eye contact? Next time. And now a word from our sponsor. Thank you, Rocket Money for your support.

Listener, do you know how much your subscriptions really cost? Most Americans think they spend about 80 bucks a month on subscriptions when the actual total is closer to $200 plus. That's right. You could be wasting hundreds of dollars each month on subscriptions. You don't even know about. There is this app or very excited about that takes care of all of that for you. And it's called, I said it earlier, Rocket Money.

They're formerly known as true bill, but Rocket Money is just so much more fun to say, right? This app shows you all your subscriptions in one place and then it cancels for you whatever you don't still want. Rocket Money can even find subscriptions you didn't even know you were paying for. You may even find out that you were double charged for a subscription. It takes care of so much. To cancel a subscription, all you have to do is press cancel. And Rocket Money is going to take care of the rest.

Let's get rid of all the useless subscriptions with Rocket Money right now. Let's go to rocketmoney.com slash smartlist. Seriously, it could save you hundreds of dollars per year. That's rocketmoney.com slash smartlist. Fill your unnecessary subscriptions right now at rocketmoney.com slash smartlist. I'm not going to say it again. Smartlist is brought to you in part by Thuma. Guys, are you kind of like as bad as I am about assembling like furniture and putting

together like anything like for me, my, I have trouble putting together like a peanut butter sandwich. I know there's peanut butter and I know sometimes there's jelly, but I don't know if it goes on the outside of the bread or the inside of the bread. Well the same thing can happen when you get like something delivered to your house with great directions and you just can't figure it out. But guess what? Even I figured out how to put together my Thuma bed.

Your bedroom deserves a refresh and now it's the perfect time to elevate the most important room in your home with Thuma. Introducing the bed by Thuma, handcrafted from eco-friendly, high quality, upcycled wood. You'll find beautiful, unique variations in the natural grain. The minimalist design featuring Japanese joinery helps elevate any space. It's super supportive for your mattress, breathable and made to naturally minimize noise and create space. The perfect platform bed frame just got better.

You can now customize the bed by choosing between their original pillow board or their new solid wood headboard. Thuma practice is an intentional less is more design philosophy for the bedroom with clean lined subtle curves and lifestyle enhancing details. Thuma proves that simplicity is the truest form of sophistication. And let me tell you, just to remind you, just to kind of like bang it into your head, it is so easy to assemble. I did it.

I'm the dumbest person on that planet Earth. I even just said the planet Earth instead of Earth. I'm serious. I set this thing up under five minutes all by myself. It's amazing. I can't do anything under five minutes if you know what I mean. Get that feeling of checking into your favorite boutique hotel suite, but at home with the bed by Thuma.

And now go to Thuma.co slash smart list to receive a $25 credit towards your purchase of the bed plus free shipping in the continental US. Go to Thuma.co slash smart list. That's T H U M A dot co slash smart list for a $25 credit. And now back to the show. I'll talk about too about like the merging of like, what was the wedding like between with your religious background and Emily's? Was it like all easily accepted?

Was the, did you put her a priest? Was it like married? She's, you know, from North Carolina, her, uh, well, that's a religion, some kind of Christian. Okay. Okay. And, uh, it was actually so I, once she was taken in the coma, that's when I first told my parents about her.

Um, I was like, I'm here. Hey, mom, dad, classic good news, bad news. Um, but the wedding, the wedding was, wedding was smooth. This is what happened. So basically, you know, I told my mom and they were very, very, they were very concerned for her. And then as soon as she was, she would call me like, how's Emily? And then soon as Emily was out of the coma and out of the woods, she was still in the

hospital for a while longer, but there was a day where we were like, there was literally one day where they were like, and now it's going to be okay. She was in a coma for eight days and now it's going to be okay. And so then she's still in the hospital for another month, but that month every day is better than the previous. And so, and that's when my mom was like, so what are you going to fucking do with this woman? What's the plan?

Like you guys like living together? What's going on? How long have you been? And so as soon as Emily was out of the coma and okay, we went and got married, like on our own, like stood in line at the courthouse and just went and got married, like literally, this is not in the movie because it's kind of unbelievable, but just a couple months after she was healthy, if you see the pictures of the day we got married, you can still see she's, she's recovering.

And I called my mom and I said, hey, now we're married, so you kind of don't really have a choice. I love this woman. She loves me. And I think you're going to love her too if you, if you meet her. So my mom said, okay, bring her by. So two weeks after our, two weeks after our marriage, we went and to my parents' credit, they threw this big, they threw together a big like Pakistani wedding for us two weeks

later. And the first time they met Emily was at our wedding. And it was really like lovely. Her, her, you know, immediate family came, some of my friends came, it was such a quick, quick thing. Is your dad still with us? He has, yeah. Yeah.

Is he a little bit more of an easier sell than mom is? You're talking about getting mom there. Dad is kind of good with most things. Well, it was certainly a good cup, bad cup situation our whole life. And, you know, Emily is, I don't, you guys haven't, you guys haven't met her. She's just so wonderful and charming and just like, oh my God, I'm getting emotional. Just like truly like the best person I've ever met. And so she's sort of undeniable when I knew that if they met her, they'd fall in love

with her just the way I did. And isn't it true? In addition to being like this brilliant writer, author, person, she was a former couples family therapist, which means like you can't get away with anything ever. She's, she was a therapist and it's actually good because she sort of taught me a lot about myself. I realized, you know, sometimes you don't know like the things you'd like, she'd be like, you're not upset because you can't find your Bruce Springsteen shirt right now.

What else is going on? All right. So she was very good at that. My dad is very, my dad's like a real softy, you know, like he cries very easily, which was good for me to see like a man who was comfortable with his own emotions. And I was someone who wasn't for a very long time. You mean what? You mean the definition of a real man?

Yes. That's right. Yeah. I mean, just this weekend we were there and my dad did through a 70th surprise birthday for him and he can't talk about it without crying. Like he's like, until they get, there were 83 people there. It's really, really sweet. Wait.

How long have you been married now and do you guys make a big deal out of anniversaries or is it just like two weeks later? Yeah. This is all very fresh, you know, 15 years. It was 15 years. Wow. That's amazing. And do you, do you make a big deal of anniversaries or is it just another day?

We wanted to make a really big deal of this one because I was like, I want to have like a big, because we didn't really get to have a huge crazy, crazy like big wedding, you know, the way we wanted to. So 15 years I wanted to do a big thing, but because of COVID and because she, we just have to be more careful than almost everybody else. We just couldn't do it. So hopefully next year, but yeah, we like to make a thing of it. I think these milestones are important.

If you do it next year, would you have, am I invited? Yeah, of course you would be invited. Would you come? Of course I would. What do you mean would I come? Yeah. Well, don't, don't be so shocked. A lot of people, myself included, I mean, didn't I say to you will do not invite me

to your wedding? You did. Yeah. But then you, and then you were mad when, when you weren't, you're like, I didn't get an invite. I was like, yeah, I invited. Okay. Well, Amanda didn't know that you were invited.

Amanda gave me shit. Well, Jason's wife gave me shit that they weren't at my wedding and I said, Jason asked to not be invited. I just, I mean, she's like, he's such a brat. He doesn't have the authority to say that. So anyway, Well, aren't some weddings, I mean, weddings are, sometimes they just, they're so long in the ceremony and you want to know about you.

It's about them. So yes, Camille, if you find it in your heart, if you're looking for extra seat fillers, I would love to come. You've always been a great seat filler, Will. Jason, can I invite you to the anniversary? I'm not coming. Okay. All right.

Well, then I'll come. I'll come. I've changed. I've, since Will's been in my life, I've changed. I've learned to enjoy big. I just don't like getting invited, as you know, to like one year old birthday parties. That's where I get. I take offense.

Because I don't invite me to your kids. No, I'm not coming. I'll come to your wedding. Your kid. Fine. You're one year old baby. F off. Yeah.

Well, Camille, if you call it not an anniversary party, but you're renewing your vows, kind of like a new wedding, then, and if I can either throw rose petals or be the officiator of the wedding, one of those two roles, other than that, I can't. I don't think I'll. I think I probably have to bribe you with like a sort of a limelight situation. One of those two roles. Yeah. Featuring.

Okay. Camille and Emily's wedding. Featuring. Yeah. And I will not take third billing either. It's got to be an and or an or. It'll be Jason Bateman presents Camille and Emily renewing their vows. Camille, educate me on this.

A friend of mine who's Indian got married years back and he came in on a white horse. Do they do that in Pakistani weddings? I think they do. We didn't do that because he got married in New Jersey and horses are hard to get on short notice. Sure. But like, I think that's like a big horse heads on the other hand. Horse heads.

I could get you one tonight. Where do you live? It was too quick. What color horse head do you want? Oh my God. It's really scary. Oh my God. What color?

What about a honeymoon? Did you guys do a honeymoon? No, we didn't. We really were at that time just did not have money. And so we really didn't do it. I think I would say I would consider our honeymoon to be right after we finished the big sec. We went out of the country and that was it sort of felt like our first honeymoon.

We just, you know, we had no money. I mean, really the rings, we got each other. We got them from Walmart, I think for $75 each. And then we did. Years later, we did go and get new wedding rings. But you still have the old ones for fun, right? Shit. Like in a box?

No. We couldn't afford boxes, Jason. They couldn't even do, not even boxes. I mean, I lost, I lost my real wedding ring on the set of Burning Love. Do you guys know that show? Burning Love? Yes. Hysterical.

Really funny. Ken Marino. Yeah. Love Ken Marino. It doesn't sound like a set you'd want to lose your wedding ring on unless you want to have a real problem with your wife. What kind of set do you want to lose your wedding ring on? That's a great question.

Married Forever. One of those. You know, it's my husband, Scotty's birthday today. Or happy birthday, Scotty. Yes. And of course I sing him the happy birthday song in Pakistan, which is happy birthday. Thank you very much. Well, how do you know this?

You've done all, you do research. I'm a fan of yours and I watch your stuff. Thank you. Thank you. Wait, that's really, that's it? That was just, there was a story I used to tell on stage where I went to a friend's birthday party and they played the birthday song on repeat, but it was some weird knockoff Pakistani version of the birthday song and it was just a guy saying, happy birthday, thank you very

much. Happy birthday, thank you very much. Over and over. Okay. And then I saw, I saw a monkey fight a mongoose, I saw a snake fight a mongoose. At a birthday party. Yeah. Yeah.

That was like. That sounds great. Yeah. Who do you think won? A mongoose. Yeah. Yeah. It was bloody.

I saw, I saw Ricky Tiki Tavi growing up. Yeah. That thing. You guys all saw that cartoon? I did not. I don't know that. Wait. Tell me real quick, because before we let you go, Camille, how many years did you guys

do the Silicon Valley program? Brilliant. We did six seasons over seven years. Super funny. Yeah. One of the best. Yeah. Classic comedy.

I love that, Mike Judge. Yeah. Have you guys seen the new Beavis and Butthead episodes? No. Not yet. It's so funny. The new, there's a new movie that's really good, but the new show, it's episodic. I think it's on Paramount Plus.

Yeah. One of those. It's so, so funny. I used to watch that all the time. Yeah. I love it. Yeah. I was just like, I just texted him and I was like, dude, this is as good as the original

show. You guys like did it again. It's so, so funny. The same voice actors back for the, to play. Beavis and Butthead. It's a guy who does it really good, Mike Judge. They got him. Wait, what?

Yeah. Really? It's a sound alike. Guys. Camille, you're the best. Thank you for being here. Camille. You're such a funny dude.

Yeah. I'm such a fan of you guys, all three of you. You're so good and your podcast is so funny and I was really excited and nervous to do this. You're a real nice fellow. You were perfection. Yeah. Nice and easy.

You got a conversational vibe to you. You're not just there to answer questions. I mean, no, he's very conversational. He's confrontational too. He likes to be confrontational. Camille, I'll see you at the gym. Obviously we work out together a lot and we're on the same. I don't know if it's obvious, but yeah.

Program. You're in fantastic shape. Well, you really are. You really are. Yeah. Not Marvel shape. Not Marvel shape. No.

Maybe just a week or two away. Camille, thank you for joining us. Thank you, pal. It's great to have you. Great to see you and just continued success in everything you do. Thank you. I can't wait to see the new season of Murderville. It was so good.

It's such a great show. I'm sure you guys are fantastic on it. Thanks for having me. We had fun. Thanks, pal. Thank you, pal. Okay. Thanks, Camille.

Bye, Camille. Bye. Nice to meet you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Bye. Easy, squeezy.

Easy, squeezy. Like soft and sleazy. I like that Camille a lot. I don't know why, you know, why do you always say such bad things about him? He's great. I love him. I'm such a big fan. You know, I didn't know like I would watch it stand up and like whenever he's on a talk

show because I think he's so fun extemporally. Sorry. What was that? Extemporally. Is that a word? Not really, but keep going. But he speaks, I don't know, whatever, but yeah, I know he's just funny off the cuff. I'll say that.

Yeah. And a lot of people don't have that gift. And so he's always been entertaining just speaking. So I love him. A nice fella comfortable in his skin, chit chat in a way. And by the way, it works endlessly. Yeah. Like a huge star now.

He's a huge star and he works really, really hard and you're right. He's just very naturally funny. Yeah. In such a great, refreshing way. Yeah. How about, I love the stories about like, if you haven't seen him, like you can watch his stuff online or whatever about his family and like getting married and that person who married them and what went wrong at the wedding.

Like it's so funny. Yeah. I want to see a stand up stuff. A fantastic guest, just like they all are. Yes. Amen. Hey, Sean, what's the rest of your day? I have to go work out, believe it or not.

I have to, let me see, I'm going to look at my calendar. Why do you have to? Are you training for something? I guess I'm going to land on not, sorry, you said blue. And then what's after the workout? We're going to go celebrate Scotty's birthday a little bit. What does that involve? Starting at what time?

Probably like five or six. We're going to eat a nice dinner together. Just us and then. At five. Yep. What is that? What is that costume? Well, it's funny.

I have somebody coming over to help us make a pizza because it's complicated. And then after the pizza, so now it's six, 15. What happens now? Do you lay a sheet cake out in the morning and just raise it all day? I have somebody named Vic. We call her the cake lady. She makes the best cakes. I'll give her your number or I'll give her you her number.

She's the best. She makes the best cakes and she makes these huge cakes and they're like 20 bucks. Huh. I'll bet they're not great. No, they're great. Amazing. So then do you have a cake already ready? Yeah.

Well, it's a surprise. I always put like a funny photo of him somewhere on like, you know, how they scan it on the cake. So then at six, 15 pizzas done, cakes in the mouth, it's six, 30. Now what's the rest of the night after that? And or, or if not, no, but, no, sorry, no, but, uh, is that premiering tonight? It did last night, but we didn't get around to it. All right.

I'm super excited. You guys watching Lego masters. Is that what it was? You're watching Lego masters. Oh, is that tonight? I didn't, I didn't, I didn't record that. Wait. When is that?

Well, Wednesday is nine o'clock on Fox. Wait. When did it premiere? Last night. It's okay guys. I mean, we, you know, good night. Oscar is getting a lot of play. We're fucking two years.

Well, but we've covered murderville and Lego masters so far on this episode, right? No, good night. We're open to April 7th, 2023. Wait, wait. So you're telling me that I can see it in April provided I have a ticket and I don't want a free one. I want to be able to buy the tickets. Bye, Oscar.

Bye. We'll see you guys next time. Bye. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart.

Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart. Smart is 100% organic and artisanly handcrafted by Rob Armjörf, Bennett Barbaco, and Michael Our next episode will be out in a week wherever you listen to podcasts or you can listen to it right now, early on Amazon Music or early and add free by subscribing to Wondry Plus

in Apple Podcasts or the Wondry app.