Soder - 30: Sugar Season with Chris Distefano | Soder Podcast | EP 30

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

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You know, he's like, but you know, you got to be a man, bro. Get over it. I made a mistake. I move on. I was like, yeah, I'm not like that. I would be cowering in fear for the rest of my life. How comfortably does Sergio sleep? Dude, I think I even have video of him sleeping.

He, because when you're that tough, I just assume sleeping is easy. Cause you go, well, if any problem comes in the room, my biggest fear on the road is that I'm going to be asleep at someone's going to get in the room and you got to wake up. But for Sergio, yeah, you're just like, I got this. I'll fully admit this. We don't do it anymore. But like five years ago when I first started going on the road, it was like my first kind of time on the road. Rather,

I would say that I'm putting Sergio and I in the same hotel room to save money, but it really was because I was scared to sleep alone. And Sergio in the bed next to me just made me feel, I can't, no one can hurt me. Yeah, damn dude, I was just doing that with like, Shane and Gary Veeder. I was just like, I got great jokes in the

bed next to me. But I mean, yeah, that's gotta be when you're like that tough, like Sergio is, yeah, you have to have a cert, your anxiety has to be lower on a certain level, right? On a very primal level. Well, the thing that I've noticed aboutgio and other people that i've known i've got to know a couple like people in the fighting community They're all very zen like they're all like sergio will absolutely rip your head off and shit down your neck But then when you're talking about mindfulness and meditation that guy meditates like two hours a day every day

Listens to sadguru is all about peace and a a lot of times, Joe Rogan's like that, a lot of times these guys, because they know that they are a human weapon, so like if I don't check this, I'll be in prison. Yeah, Rogan could kick my leg out and break it. In one kick, Rogan could break my leg. And I bet he doesn't have half the anxiety that I do. When I hear a noise, I'm like,

I like have squirrel energy. Like I'm like, let's grab my little drink. Like, you're right. Cause it's cause we can't, we know that we can't defend ourselves. Like I know my defense is being funny. That's it. My defense is if someone has a knife, I hope he likes macho man, Randy Savage. Yeah.

Yeah. You're not going to stab me. And he's like, that's pretty good. I just worked through my Rolodex of voices, hoping I don't get killed. Dude, I took one jujitsu class in my life, a jujitsu class in Staten Island. The guy put me, was practicing,

the instructor put me in some kind of like arm bar choke hold thing. And I was like, it was just a maneuver to get out. And he slightly, slightly, slightly just like tapped a nerve. And I felt numbness go down my arm for maybe 90 seconds, packed it up, went home. I said, nope, not gonna be a paraplegic. I wake up from naps and if I sleep on my arm wrong and my arm is tingling, I go, I'm having a heart attack, this is it. Like Dan Ings, I have to go sit on a couch and be like, is my life in order? Is my house in order? Oh yeah, well dude, the best thing for me is I take blood pressure medicine now. Shout out, shout out Los Arden, 10

milligrams. Dude, I've been hearing that's the way to go. Andy Fiori was just telling me that. Dr. Drew. Well, Andy Fiori needs to get his life together. But he was telling me that if you're over 40, take some blood pressure medication. I'm kidding. Shout out to Andy Fiori. Dr. Drew was like, dude, listen to me, your cause my blood pressure, no matter what, he was like, your baseline blood pressure, even if you're in tip top shape, is going to be bad. You're too stressed out.

You're comedian. You're on the road. You're going to eat salty foods. Even when you think something's healthy, he was like, you'll go to Wendy's and just eat the meat and not the bun. It's still not healthy. You're just an idiot. You don't understand.

He was like, so just take the lowest dose of low sardine. Just take it. It's a beta blocker. So it also calms your anxiety a little bit and lowers your blood pressure. And dude, I kind of, it's working for me now, but the first six months, I think it actually made my blood pressure higher, because I was like,

dude, I'm like on steroids. I'll do anything, I'll get stressed out, I'll eat bacon all day with every meal. I'm on low sardine, I can't have a heart attack. And then they checked my pressure and it was higher, and the doctor's like, what are you even doing? And I told him, I was even in life. I was like, dude, I eat like 25 slices of pizza a week, but it doesn't matter. I'm on low sardine. He was like, no,

that's actually not good. And you need to check your diet. And now dude, when I take my blood pressure, it's 120 over 80, like normal blood pressure. I'm like, what the hell? So shout out Dr. Drew. He told me to take these meds. I feel like every commercial is a pharmaceutical ad now on TV everyone but honestly I'm okay with it if I could take it Dude, I don't give me skyrizzy. I don't need it Do I want it honestly man? All my friends are like, you know, they've been taking steroids for years like pimpy noses guys all these guys

You know juice up they they all like take Viagra now and Cialis not for dick man it's just to get the blood flow to there like we're going on a cruise next week me my boy Patti fly balls little Deebo Ryan all my like Queens friends and they're all taking Viagra now. Does that boat have any idea what's about to hit him? Dude I'm literally going with my kids I'm going with my family. And these are these guys single? Oh yeah. It's there. It's for my boy Pat's 40th birthday party, 40th birthday. And you're bringing the family. Cause I was told that other people are bringing the family and every day

me and jazz go back and forth debating. Should we cancel? Should we not? But my eight year old daughter Delilah is like, if you cancel the cruise, you'll ruin my life. That's what she told me. Delilah's eight. Delilah is going to be nine, dude. ruin my life. That's what she told me. Delilah's eight? Delilah's gonna be nine, dude. Delilah's gonna be nine on Sunday. Dude, that makes me feel old. Yeah. I remember when Delilah being born.

Dude. And she's gonna be nine? She's gonna be nine years old? She literally is like, she's like a little person. Yeah. You know, she's like a full little adult. And she said you would ruin her life if you canceled the cruise. She said I'd ruin her life if you canceled the cruise.

Does she know she's going with just a bunch of juiced up guenzos? I told her, I said, do you really want to celebrate your ninth birthday with Patty Fly Balls? And she was like, well, I want to go on a boat in the middle of the ocean. There'll be slides there. And you know, she was like, you know, I heard. Ice cream, the soft serves off the charts. Well, the thing is now, like I used to to like if she was a little younger I could lie

to her and be like it's gonna suck whatever but she now printed out the itinerary she knows how to log on to the computer and looked up the cruise and hacked into her mom's email and has the itinerary so she knows there's a kids club there's activities we're going to the Bahamas she wants to go snorkeling she wants to do all these things so now I'm like all right well we have no choice we gotta go. And what is your youngest these things. So now I'm like, all right, well, we have no choice. We gotta go. And what is your youngest? Your youngest is like, I don't care.

My youngest is three. So she's just, you know, she's, she just wants to chill, dude. Yeah. She's like, I just, just put me. My 13 year old stepson, Tristan, he does not want to go. He's going to be in the Bahamas in a black hoodie, sweatshirt with his phone out. He does not. Really? Oh, he's hitting that age.

He's every kid, man. I mean, that age has to be horrible to hit. It was horrible when we hit it Yeah for them to hit it with phones in the internet Oh, but let me tell you something so my you know stepson We I always felt like his he was a video game kid his dad's in the games I'm like dude good good for you like whatever like you know like I played sports But like not everyone has to play sports or do that. Right. Video games have also gotten really good. Exactly. I was like,

you have a career in that. You can do that. Right. And then a week ago, we go to the park. We're all just in the park. He never normally never wants to come in and wants to chill in his room, but we go to the park and hanging out with, you know, my daughters or whatever. And he comes and meets us and there were these kids throwing a baseball around. He happened to know one of them. Now I should have done a better job. I should know more about him, but I didn't even realize, I had no idea that he was even left-handed,

he's left-handed, so dude, it was like rookie of the year, he goes and picks up, like the ball came over by us and he was playing in the area, and so he just goes to throw it back, gasp bro, he threw a missile, left-handed, I was like, how do you know how to do that? He was like, I sometimes I just throw the ball. That's so funny.

I get real mad in the backyard and I just throw it at the fence. I'm thinking about you and you're like, harness this. Dude, he's- Cause he's half Puerto Rican. Bro, I called my father right away. My dad was like, you got it. I'm on the way.

Yeah. He's like, keep them right there. I got a glove. He's in the garage, goes through box. My dad right away. It was like, he's left handed. I didn't realize he was left handed. I go, yeah. He goes, you got to soak his arm in Epsom salt every night. You got to put him in the tub and put his arm in Epsom. That was like, well, I can't be in the tub with him. That's molestation. That's a crime. But that's so gas.

I thought this story was going, was that he was going to pick it up and be like, oh, it goes, but he's just launching a rope. He rifled it like Randy Johnson, perfect because he's tall and skinny. Oh, dude. So he just knew how to throw it back. He's got that Latin blood coursing through his veins. And he's kind of got like no empathy or feelings at all. My God, he's going to be perfect. Yeah. He'll be down one.

He'll be three one in the count, and he'll still be in it. He'll still be throwing gas right down the middle. Dude, I'm excited for this. Yeah. We'll put him in a program. Oh, Delilah also wanted me to tell Pimp for Delilah's birthday like two years ago, and got her these butterflies, which was a dope, dope gift.

And then I was like, hey, Delilah, I'm going to see Pimpy later. You want anything to say? She was like, tell him my butterflies are dead'm going to see Pimpy later. You want anything to say? She was like, telling my butterflies are dead. So I just wanted to relay Delilah's going full emo. She goes, tell them life is pain. Yeah.

My butterflies are your stepson's going to be number one in the draft. And then your daughter's like, can I jump off the boat? Cause life is sad. Life is just a giant ocean. Which is no forgiveness in it. It is. Yeah, I love it, dude. I love it.

So I mean, did you play baseball? You didn't play baseball. You played basketball. Well, I played basketball. I played baseball through eighth grade, whatever. But basketball was my sport. And he's pretty good at that, too. To be honest with you, I just always, and I should have,

I wish I could go back in time. I just thought he liked the video game so I was just supporting him on that. But once I saw that this kid's like a legitimate athlete, I was like, okay, we gotta play ball now. Now what you gotta do is, this is how you bridge the gap. Yeah.

You get him into MLB the show, the baseball game. There we go. And now he starts learning the little nuances of pitching. Counts, where to ball placement. And then you go in the backyard and you go, why don't we do that in real life? Yeah. And then next thing, you know, he's cooking for the Mets. He's going seven innings, two hits.

Yeah. Just crushing it. When it's Cy Young's for you and you're going like, thought he was a nerd. Because that's the better the better outcome is you thinking he's a nerd and him being an athlete versus you thinking he's a nerd and him being an athlete, right? Versus you thinking he's an athlete and he turns out to be a nerd. Cause that's the drop off of disappointment.

We're like, you just want to sit inside and play your video games versus let's go outside. You can do this in real life. It's like, it's like in that, uh, what's that movie? She's all that when like she looks like a nerd and then you're like, Oh wow, this girl's hot. You got to take your stepson's glasses off and undo his hair. Yeah, he's just throwing like Dude, I love it. I love that his thing is he goes sometimes I throw the ball hard. Yeah, that's it Yeah

Well, he goes he goes up because you know, we were living on Staten Island and we had a nice house But was kind of like in the middle of nowhere sure we're now we're in a neighborhood Where like we can like walk to things and we're out playing it. So he's just naturally going to the park. Right. And just, I mean, just canning people throwing it. And I didn't even know. And I spoke to one of his friends cause his friends will come by the house. I'm like, did you know this kid can throw ball? They go, yeah. They said, uh, he almost knocked this kid's Mateo's head off with a dodge ball last week.

They were like, they're like, the teacher was like, what do you, you can't throw it that hard. He just gun somebody. Dude I wonder if it makes the noise like the year. Like the first thing he did it was like oh what am I supposed to do? Oh my god I'm gonna kill a kid! Yeah. Dude this is great. I'm lefty I would love to have been left-handed. No. My kids are lefty. So what's crazy is I'm both. I write yeah I'm not but I'm not truly amadextrous. I always fucked this word up. Amadextrous? Amadextrous. I can't. I write. Yeah, I'm not but I'm not truly amadextrous. I always fuck this word up. Amadextrous? Amadextrous. I can't even say it.

Amadextrous. Amaductrous. There's some words that just absolutely brick when they get to my mouth. Yeah. And that's one of them. I write left-handed. Okay. But I do everything athletic right-handed. Dude, your whole life would be in reverse. If that was reversed, you'd be like, you'd be on the Broncos.

Yeah. You would just, you would be,, you'd be on the Broncos. Yeah. You would just, you would be, you would literally be a professional athlete. Probably not. I'd probably just be a comic who was like, I did some D3 ball. I got up to D3, but I never, like my mom's left handed, my dad's left handed. And then I just did everything right handed. Well, so, but that, but that's interesting because you, you,, your brain, left-handed people's brains

are mapped differently than left. So you have the right mapping. So you could probably, dude, you could probably do so many things. Like you can be lefty, you can learn other languages easier. You can do that. You're wasting it here. Hey, Babblefish, where's your sponsorship?

Oh yeah. I'm gonna be doing a Dutch podcast in a year. I'm like, oh, and I go, dude, I'm massive in Holland. Have you been to Amsterdam? I do. It is. I'm going for the first time in two weeks. You've never been to Amsterdam.

Fucking River rats. Is it dope? That's Florida with prostitution. Is it really? No, it's nice. Everyone says it's like the best place to be. It's all right. Yeah. I'm going to get a bunch of Dutch hate. Good. I, uh, what are you like about it? I, so I did a three cities in one trip.

I did Stockholm, Amsterdam and Reykjavik shows are just hanging out. Just pure vacation. I saw Queens of the stone age in Stockholm. I saw Pearl Jam in Amsterdam. And then we spent like four days in Reykjavik. But it's the whitest vacation ever. Oh, yeah. I went to the places where I went to white Mecca. I did the white tour.

I went to the whitest place where I go. So we're not in trouble here. No white guilt here. I did a white guilt free trip where I went, whew. You know who's been here? Only whites the whole time. No stolen land this trip. One in five Americans have learned a new language

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Go to buyraycon.com slash soda today to get 20% off your Raycon order plus free shipping. That's right, 20% off and free shipping at buyraycon.com slash soda. buyraycon.com slash soda. Hey guys, guys coming up got some fun dates. I'm gonna be at the Columbus funny bone May 31st and June 1st doing four shows bringing my buddy. Sia Amuse who is hilarious It's gonna be awesome shows funny bone Columbus, Ohio And then the fully loaded tour with Burt Kreischer me and Big Jay are on every date and it's gonna be fun as hell, man. Outdoors, it's just a giant party, so come check out the Fully Loaded Tour. And then this fall, doing some theaters I'm excited about. Toronto, I'm coming to the Queen Elizabeth Theater

November 9th. Then Chicago, Illinois, I'm gonna be at the Vic Theater December 6th. And then Milwaukee, Wisconsin, gonna be at Turner Hall ballroom December 7th for all those tickets go to Dan soda comm But Amsterdam was very fun. I liked outside of the canals outside of that more I liked going around Amsterdam like a little bit outside of it. And the, like the red light district was cool, but it's almost like Times Square, where it's just like chaotic and everyone's got the same energy.

What I really did like was going to the Bulldog Cafe, which is like very touristy, but just having coffee and smoking bats and just sitting there being stoned and then just like having the day go by. And I was with Lewitsky and my friend Fugac and they were drinking beers, getting all fucked up. But I really enjoyed just chilling there

with like a nice latte, getting very stoned and drinking water and then walk around. But, and then I just wasn't like, oh, this is, I was too old. I think if I would have gone to my twentiess, I would have been like this place fucking rules Well, I was just like it kind of mellowed out. I would I went in June, which was nice It was like not it's like a hoodie weather there the whole time like a San Francisco weather. Yeah, it's exactly it It's exact. It's Bay Area weather which I love so I was just like this is cool. But I wasn't like, holy shit, that was the craziest time.

And then they're kind of dicks. They're like, well, here's what happened. Here's the honest God truth. I took truffles, which are different than mushrooms. Truffles are like, honestly, I kind of liked it better than mushrooms. Because mushrooms, you you eat it and it takes about forty five to sixty minutes to really hit you not this micro dosing. I'm

talking about when you want to trip right. I went and bought truffles which are legal in Amsterdam and I bought it and I asked the guy I was like hey I want to do. I'm going to a concert concert how much I take and he's like Each person should take 10 grams. I was like 10 grams I was like dude, I've done three grams of mushrooms and it's set I shook I had the predator handshake with God. Yeah, I was like, I don't know if I'm trying to do that and he was like I Was like I'm gonna do a gram. He's like her gram will do nothing He was like mad at me. He was like a gram will do nothing and I was like He was like, mad at me. He was like, a gram will do nothing.

And I was like, well, I'm going to smoke weed. And he's like, do not mix this. Only take the truffles. Do not mix it. He was like mad at me when I was telling him I was going to get high. I was like, and the whole time I kept making this joke to my friend, Mike, I kept being like, bro, I'm from Colorado. I've been doing mushrooms and smoking weed.

This isn't my first rodeo. So we go to Pearl Jam and I bought. This isn't my first rodeo. So we go to Pearl Jam and I bought one dosage, which was 10 grams. I ate two thirds and my friend Mike ate a, ate a third of it and then I smoke a joint and he's drinking beers. And in Europe, there's no openers. They don't have, okay, like a band come out and be like, Hey, we're bloody dick fucks and then Pearl Jam. They just, they play house music. The lights go

down Pearl Jam plays, right? So we're standing in front of the soundboard where you should always sit at every concert because that's how you get the best sound. We're standing in front of the soundboard guy and I'm like getting heavy visuals. Like I don't get a lot of visuals on mushrooms. I usually get, you know, obviously spatial shadows, light changes for me on mushrooms, but I don't get like trippy shit. And I'm looking and I'm like seeing patterns and shit.

I'm like, whew. And I look at Foo Jack, my friend and I go, you feeling all right? And I look at him and his eyes are fucking, and he's holding a- Like. Yeah, it's very small And I'm like you feel all right, and he goes yeah, I'm feeling all right, and I go Are you feeling all right and he told me later that's what fucking spun him Yeah, yeah, am I feeling all right?

And then they have like a little smoking room at the arena. But it's all metal. It's like metal walls, metal ceilings, and these weird lights. So I'm starting to trip. And we walk in there so he can smoke a cigarette. And I'm like, and the way the voices are coming off the walls, I'm like, dude, I am starting to. I'm like, I'm starting to go. And I know That's the worst feeling. I'm starting to go.

And I know I'm going. You cannot stop it. No, it's like, remember when you're riding down a hill on a bike and you start with your feet? And you're like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. That's how I felt. And I was like, dude, I'm gonna go get a water. So I got a water and I got a Heineken Zero.

Cause I was like, oh, I'll have a near beer and I'll fucking party or whatever. Dude, this was the worst. And this is why I judge Dutch people. So I apologize for this. All the Dutch listeners. But I walk in and they're playing Queens of the Stone Age if I had a tail, my favorite band.

So I'm like, what a good omen. It's my favorite band. And I'm trying to get back to Lou and his friend Amanda who are in front of the soundboards. Foo Jack's still smoking a cigarette. And I walk in and the lights go off. And I'm like, uh oh. And then I have these two drinks in open containers.

And I'm trying to get through and no one's moving for me. It's not like America where you're like, excuse me, excuse me, and people part. People are locked shoulders. And I'm like, excuse me, excuse me. And I'm trying to move through. And it's like, I'm spilling beer on myself. I'm spilling beer on other people.

And they're big over there. They're very big. They're sturdy. They're very sturdy. Vikings. And they're speaking Dutch. So it's like, I shall show you stuff. So it's all these whispered dudes. Even thinking about it now,

they're gonna be fucking way down. And I'm like, excuse me, excuse me. And I'm like trying to move and they're not moving. And I'm like- You have on wooden shoes. Yeah. I'm like in a little clogs like. And I'm like, dude, excuse me.

And they're just not moving. And I'm like, I'm starting to, I'm starting to buck. And I'm like, and I remember at one point I stopped and I just looked at this lady and I go, I can't get to my friend. And she goes, I should have my shoes on. I was like, ah. And I fucking bail I can't get to my friend and she goes, I should have my sister. I did it, I was like, ah!

And I fucking bail and I go to the back of the arena. I just go to where the wall is. And I'm just standing there like, and I put my drink down and I don't know if you've ever tried to text on mushrooms. Pimp's shaking his head. Like the letters come off the screen, right? It's just the way the light is.

It looks like your screen's like this. It looks like it's up and over. So you're like, and I'm trying to text Lou Witzke, like, hey, I'm fucking freaking out. And I'm against the wall. And I'm like, and I'm sitting there, like trying to catch my breath. And Pearl Jam comes out.

And they start playing. And they like open with a song about a dead dad. I'm like and I'm like holding on and then I see Foo Jack come in and I because he's tall and he's like walking and I'm like Foo and dude I'm standing there by this family and I'll never forget his name is Mike Foo Jack but I just go Foo I just start going Foo and all these people around me are like what the fuck is wrong with this guy? And I'm like walking through the crowd going, foo! And I grab him and he looks at me and his eyes are like,

whew! And he's like, dude, what the fuck? And I'm like, I'm freaking out. And he's like, I'm freaking out. And I'm like, I'm against the back wall. And we just stood against the back wall. And then Lou and his friend came and met us. And it was probably a good, for the next 20 minutes,

I was really tripping. And it was like probably a good for the next 20 minutes I was really tripping. Right. And then state of love and trust I was in it. It just felt great and I was like and I had the time of my life. Yeah. And by the end of the concert I felt fine. Once you accept it you you let go. But when you fight it. It's not good. Dude you get that turbulence. Dude it's not I. Dude, you get that turbulence. Dude, it's not, I, that high, that high turbulence. See, I've, I've never, because on mushrooms, I wonder if like you were more afraid, if it was worse, cause you're like, this is a mushroom or this is like a foreign drug. Cause on edibles,

you know, like it's going to end. Well, edibles can go on too long. And that's when you're like, that's when you're kind of like, I'm out here. I compared it once to swimming in the ocean. You're like, it's so vast that with weed, smoking weed, you're going to come back down pretty quick. Right. Mushroom. I mean, mushrooms and edibles to me are a long haul. Right.

So I was thinking in my head, this is a long haul. I didn't realize truffles burn off much quicker. Right. You shoot up fast, but you come down fast. And if I would have known that, I don't think I would have freaked out. I would have just known I was going and I would have gone with the momentum and just gotten to where I was and been like, Oh man, I'm fucking moving. Now, do you think that you would ever in a, in a, in a fully medical scenario, sure. Doctors are there. Would you like smoke crack or do heroin?

Yeah. Well, I docked, you're not going to die. Heroin. Absolutely. You would do it like with under doctor supervision. I mean, I would be the thing with both crack and heroin. I would be afraid of the addictive nature of it because I get addicted to everything. Right. So I would just be like, Oh, but if they were like, do you want to do heroin once and then never get addicted? I'd like fucking boot me up, baby. Yeah. Yeah. It's the best everyone I've ever talked to. All my friends that are recovered heroin addicts are like, it's the best.

It's the best. Cause cause I'm starting to have this feeling as I get older, starting to have this feeling where I'm like, you know, you're only going to live once. Why not safely try things? No, no, no. You don't think I could safely smoke one hit of crack? Now, I think if you get to an age where both of your daughters, your stepson has had a wonderful career in the majors. Yes, he retired on the Brewers.

He had a cup of coffee with the Rays, and then he ended it. Yeah. And now he's got a car dealership, and wherever he really dealt. Yeah. I think once your daughters are grown and have families and you and Jazz are old and you're just sitting there and you're in your lovely home in Staten Island. Right. And we move back. Yeah. You can move back, but you found out the radiation for phones has given you an operable tumor. Yes. And you're like 81 years old. Do heroin. Do it. Yeah. Katie and I have an agreement that once we hit 70, I'm back to drinking.

Really? Oh, yeah. Beautiful. Drinking and smoking cigarettes. I respect that actually. I think my 70th birthday present I've already asked her is a, will be a 12 year old bottle of Jameson. Yes, because you need, you need a way out sometimes I think like, like yes, you can, you can stay, you know, sober now, but it's like you got to think about it. And then when you get to 70, you'll make a decision. I was like that with sweets. I was like, oh, I'm not gonna eat sweets until Saturday. I was just gonna say that, yeah. Yeah, and then what happens is,

cause I would say, when I first said, I'm not eating sweets, it's so impossible. And then next thing you know, you're just eating like, I would eat two muffins a day, three muffins a day. And then when I say, you know what, just have it on Saturdays, it gives my brain this little like, hey, you can get to the finish line, it's right there.

You know what I'm doing right now? This exact thing with soda, I love soda. What's your favorite soda? This is gonna be lame as shit. Ginger ale, a Canada dry. Ginger ale, I just read an article, it's the number one drink on airplanes. It's the best.

Well, it settles the stomach, it does a lot. A cold Canada dry. I mean, if I'm being a real naughty Well, it settles the stomach. It does a lot. A cold Canada dry. I mean, if I'm being a real naughty bitch, a cold Canada Mountain Dew. Whoa. Like a freezing cold on a hot day. I like it. A cold Canada Mountain Dew.

Oh, it's making the back of my jaw salivate right now. Yeah. I love a bottle of Coke. Dr. Pepper probably is my favorite soda. Cold Dr. Pepper with like a hamburger. Unbelievable. If you're gonna go soda too, you can't go diet. You have to is my favorite soda. Cold Dr. Pepper with like a hamburger, unbelievable. If you're gonna go soda too, you can't go diet. You have to go just regular soda.

I don't fuck with diet soda at all. I respect that. At all, never have, never will. I go full strength, give me a Dr. Pepper heavy. I want a real one, I want a Coke heavy. So I, around the holidays when everyone's drinking and there's all celebration, I love soda. I love having two sodas in a night.

Get real nuts, crazy shit. But I put on weight, I feel sluggish, it's bad for me. So what I do is, this new thing that I've, and I'm doing it this year, I don't drink soda until Thanksgiving. But then I drink soda from Thanksgiving to New Year's. It's. Okay. It's sugar season.

So I just am like, it's sweet season. I know it's probably horrible for me, but I'm going to tell you right now, it's May. I have not had a soda since January. So what do you do? Do you drink seltzer or just water? I have iced tea. I love iced tea. If I'm getting real naughty, I'll get an Arnold Palmer.

It has a little sweetness to it. Gatorade. I know Gatorade's not great for you, but I'll have a Gatorade in the place where I want a soda. A lot of the times they'll have a Gatorade. Well, because you got to think about it like this too, is like, yes, you might be drinking a lot of soda from Thanksgiving to New Year's, but if you extrapolate this over a year, bro, the year before you started doing that, you might've had a thousand sodas in one year. It was crazy. And now maybe you have 400, but they're just like, I'm going to New Year's. But if you extrapolate this over a year, bro, the year before you started doing that, you might've had a thousand sodas in one year. And now maybe you have 400,

but they're just in a two month span. But when I was, this is happening. But when I was doing it, when I was doing it all year, I would do the thing where I'd go like, no soda, then I'd have a, it's how it was with me drinking. I'd be like, no drinking, I'd have a beer. I'd be like, well, I'm having a beer. Might as well fucking get nuts.

That's how it was with soda. But I was like, dude, I'm having a beer. Might as well fucking get nuts. That's how it was with soda. But I was like, dude, it's the finish line. You're like, get to Thanksgiving and then have a nice cold can of Canada Dry. Yeah, that's it. Ying your ails. Guys, it's summer shorts time. Time to get those yams out.

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the code SOTAR at ChubbiesShorts.com. That's code SOTAR at ChubbiesShorts.com. Support our show and tell them we sent you don't blend in with the crowd Stand out with chubbies. I was the other this was like three weeks ago You know, I stay pretty steadfast to my only sweets on Saturday rule. I mean pimp knows do what's your favorite sweet? I was a machine Number one number one thing for me is a double chocolate chip muffin toasted with butter. I go in on that. Shout out. Yeah.

I go in on that. You get little squirrel hands and fucking. I eat like my, I would eat my children's sweets. Like it was bad. I also love, I also love, um, there's a bakery in Ridgewood. Shout out Rudy's bakery. They have an Nutella Linza tart. Unbelievable.

You like baked goods. You don't like candy. No, not can't. Like if I, if I, I don't need to ever have a Jolly Rancher, a Skittle, I'm not that. I'm chocolate baked goods. Cookies, muffins, things like that. Piece of like homemade cake,

like the Duncan Hines frosting. I'll leave all of that like bad. So I, you know, I'm on my thing. I'm on my Only Sweets for Saturday. It's about Wednesday. And I literally, I just had a day. You ever had had this I just had a day where I couldn't stop crying. I was just crying Intermittently, I was crying for different reasons throughout the day just an emotional mess Yeah, just crying bad, right?

Which is crazy because it feels like when you have crying days like that. It's like throwing up with the flu Yeah, where you just go it's coming up again and you've got to go into another room and be like yeah dude I don't know what happened I woke up that morning I see my daughters sleeping in the bed they sleep they sleep together some nights like their beds are in the same room and sometimes they like you know whatever keep each other company and I'm like what you know beautiful gifts I'm crying right so that's a happy cry right happy cry that's good I'm like another positive day then like two hours go by and I start just thinking about you know maybe

I don't have the best relationship with my dad and I start to cry negative tears. Yeah and then and then you know another another few hours go by and I'm talking to Jasmine and we're talking about you know my career and how I'm on the road so much and I miss the kids and I start bawling crying. So Jazz, now we're literally sitting outside at a coffee shop and I'm crying and Jazz goes, I'm going to get you a cookie. I said, Jazz, it's Wednesday. She goes, it's our little secret. I'm going to get you a cookie. What a good wife. Good wife. And then she comes in and she got me a double chocolate chip cookie, which I love. And

then she got me a double chocolate chip muffin toasted with butter. And she was like, it's OK. And then she was like, this will help. And then I started eating it. And then I don't know why. I guess because her good act, I stopped crying. I haven't cried really now in three weeks. But she just knew to let me break my rule. And then on Saturday, I said, you know what?

I already ate my sweets on Wednesday. You corrected. I re-corrected. But then Jasmine was like, no, I'm gonna give you a pass. You're still a good boy. You've been a good boy. In my head, I see you going from crying to eating, kicking your feet.

You're like, well, I'm gonna eat a good cookie. You know, like whoever was at that coffee shop with you saw you crying and like, this guy's fucking going through it. And then a minute later, you got chocolate on your face. And you're like, it's just a Puerto Rican lady. Give you a cookie. I'm okay now. I feel good, but I get it, dude. Yeah. I fucking love it. When I, I, I always thought candy was so gay. Yeah. When I was drinking, I was like, you have a candy.

What are you a little boy? You gay wad, you love candy. Yeah. And then I quit drink. I did a gig. This is a long time ago. It was about 13 years ago. I did a Soul Joel gig with Julian. I was opening for Julian McCullough. Julian was already sober and we were at the bar and I was just knocking back Jameson shots. I was just wow. Barcelona that bar? No, this was in Connecticut. Soul Joel's gig, right? It's a Soul Joel gig. And it's at the bar. No, this is in Connecticut. It's a Soul Joles gig, right? It's a Soul Joles gig and it's at the bar. Yeah, this is in the back of a Denny's in Hartford. This is Western Connecticut, God knows where, at a bar and I'm like, and I'm just ripping Jameson and I'm going, I'm smoking cigarettes.

I'm having a time. Yeah, and I come back in and I'm like at the bar with Julian and I'm like, don't you ever miss drinking or whatever? He goes, no, man. Now it's about cake. He's like, uh, I got a slice of carrot cake back in my room. I'm really excited for it. And I was like, cake, who gives a shit about dessert. And then I quit drinking. And I love candy so much now.

I was like a little boy last night where Katie's like, you do it. All right. I was like, I want jelly beans. And she's like, what? And I was like, I want jelly night where Katie's like you do know I was like I want jelly beans What and I was like I want jelly beans because I loved I don't know why that's my thing I was on the road in Providence last weekend Yeah I bought a bag of jelly bellies and I was just sitting there watching NBA playoffs just Ripping jelly beans. Yes, Steve. It's beam feast It's interesting how like cuz I used to I used I used to, and this, this is good. As a matter of fact, Sergio Sergio, this dude, this guy's wise.

I literally, cause he's been sober for, you know, I think over 10 years now and I was like, dude, I was like, you know, like I just like never cared about alcohol. Like I was almost kind of being like a dick where I was like, I could fucking not drink forever. To me, those are the people that are like, I could smoke a cigarette and put a pack away. Yeah. I'm like, whatever.

I'm like, I could, and then, and then he goes, and then I never thought about this when it fundamentally changed the way I looked at it. He was like, uh, he was like, yeah, man, he goes, well, that was my addiction. I love drinking. I said, and I was like, yeah, he goes, what if I told you that every time you had a muffin, it was going to go into 10 muffins and you were going to slowly ruin your life with muffins with that? Could I, could you look me in the eye and say, I'll never have a muffin, it was going to go into 10 muffins and you were going to slowly ruin your life with muffins. Would that, could I, could you look me in the eye and say, I'll never have a muffin again?

And I was like, no, I started crying. Well, that's what it is for me with alcohol. He goes, so it's very difficult cause I still want a beer, but I don't have one. So I was like, well, I don't, I only eat muffins on Saturday. When I was trying to quit drinking, it's, it's funny. Cause I was sure. Cause you know, Nate obviously ended up quitting drinking, but when we were drinking, he would always be like, cause I love shots shots and a beer were

always my favorite thing. And Nate would go, just don't take shots. And I go, why would I do that? Yeah. I love shots. Yeah. But for different people, it strikes in different ways. Like if you told me I could never have cake again, I'd be like,

I could probably, I could probably, can I still have starburst and like Twix? I'm all right. But then if you're like no candy, I'd be like, well what the fuck did I do to you? Ice cream is my big one. Ice cream is like we got into Van Lewin's recently and it's very good. Cause it's, it's vegan, suppose an ice cream, healthy. No, it's not vegan. It's got dairy. Oh, it's got there. They had the vegan option. Okay. Yeah. I'm talking about they had, they had extra butter in there, in their ice cream. So it's creamy. Oh man. I could,

we have a pint in there that I know we've been waiting and I've been eyeing it like a bottle, like a homeless guy. I, I as a bottle. I'm like, dude, let me get in there. Dude, I know I've been like, see, I've I'll like follow like these like, you know, like fitness accounts on Instagram and like this one guy was like, oh, like butters, like just eat sticks of butter. Like butter is like, you can put it on everything and then I'll go like, I'll go crazy. Like I'll just eat, I'll put butter in and on. Like today I had an omelet, right? I made like this high protein omelet. And instead of eating the toast, I was like, I'm just going to put a stick of butter in it, which is so dumb. But you know,

I feel like we got this whole thing about like calories in calories out. I think is dumb. It's like just trying to eat as much fucking try to eat healthy. Yeah, that's it. Do you see any behavior in your kids like oh my god like addictive behavior at all? I'm always interested about this with my friends who have kids. Oh my god. You see him being like, oh, that's your addiction 100% I mean the way like the way my daughter like if you say she cannot have Nutella and And the way that she flips out at you and how, how mad she will get. I'm like, Oh boy. Or like, you know what I've noticed too, is like anxiety, like how, like that's kind of like just genetic or maybe she's just like learned behavior where like she's in a talent show this weekend and she's going to,

you know who Benson Boone is? No dude, this guy Benson, do you know Benson Boone? So I saw him. It's my daughter's favorite singer, this kid Benson Boone, he's pretty awesome. And so we saw him at the Brooklyn Paramount. You've heard some of his like big songs, like- Benson Boone. Benson Boone, dude, he's like a heartthrob. Is it B-E-N-S-O-N? Boone, B-O-O-N-E, yeah.

Oh, here he is. Yeah. Oh, look at this guy. Yeah, dude. Dude, the little mustache being back is beautiful things, dude. Dude, he goes, he got a little taste. This is the big song. Before.

And what's crazy about getting older is they all look like little boys now. They all, yeah. Where I'm like, what's this little boy singing about love? What do you know about your little Hitler stash? And so, so we did it. So, so we took him at, uh, the Brooklyn Paramount, which is a great venue. It's like a new venue, Brooklyn. So we go and then we, I got her like the meet and greet, right? And, and so, and so I was standing online in this meet and greet and, uh,

and so she finally like meets him and she goes, um, and she goes up to him. And, uh, I was like, oh, you know, Hey, like Benson, whatever Benson, whatever. And then he goes, aren't you the guy that DM'd me? And I was like, yeah. He was like, sorry, man, sorry I couldn't get back to you. Like, I have a list, but he's like, you're on the list, I'll get back to you. I was like, thanks. And then she takes a picture with him and she goes,

oh, my dad's famous too. And then I was like, I'm not. Please don't do that. Yeah, I was like, do that. She goes, he could sell a lot of tickets too And then I was like, I was like, I'm not, I was like, do that. She goes, she goes, he could sell a lot of tickets too. And I was like, no, I can't. And then, uh, and then he goes, Oh, cause I'll, I'll have to, uh, I'll have to look you up.

And it was just like, you know, whatever. And then, and then I was like, don't like say that stuff. And then she was like, well, I want him to know that like, you know, you're somebody too. I was like, I was like, that's sweet. I was like, that's sweet. I was like, no, but it's okay, honey. Like I don't, you know, whatever.

Like we don't have to do that. We're watching him for his art. And then she's like sitting there, like in the show. And then at one point Benson goes to the crowd. He was like, he was like, you know, I'm gonna sing this song right now. And you know, I want everyone to put their phones away because I just wanna have a moment with no technology

where I just like sing this song. Yeah. Okay. And then this person in front was like sneakily filming the thing. And like, whatever we all were just like, you know, dealing with it. And then Delilah goes, put the phone away. Benson said, put the phone away. And then I was like, Delilah, like, don't worry about it. And then she goes, put the phone away or my dad'll make fun of you. That's great. And I was like nice. That's the

new my dad'll beat you up. Yeah yeah yeah. She's like you might end up being a viral clip if my dad makes fun of you. And then she goes and she comes home from school the other day she's like upset I was like what happened? She goes the kids are making fun of me. I was like what happened? What'd they do? She goes she goes one of my friends said that you must not be that good of a comedian because you weren't even on the roast of Tom Brady. And I was like, Oh no. I was like, I guess somebody's dad must've told that. And I'm like, I'm like, honey, you know, um, so far, yeah. We'll tell Delilah DiStefano that her dad wasn't even on the roast of Brady.

And you're like, yeah, well, it's kind of crazy because the way they book it isn't really, you'd have kind of a deal with Netflix. Yeah, I was like, I'm not part of the right agency. Well, you know, maybe it was a package deal with CAA. Yeah. And they don't fucking understand that shit. That's so funny. Then she go, you know, we moved from our,

we had this beautiful house in Staten Island. And then we moved to Queens in a nice area, but like the house is like kind of like an older house that we're like renting, whatever. It's like a transition plan. And then like we're there for like a week and then like my daughter and my steps and come down to me and they were like, they were like, um, we have to ask you something. And I was like, what's up? They were like, did you lose your job?

And I was like, what? And they were like, well, we just had such a nice house with like a pool. And now we're like living in this old lady's house. And we just want to know if like to do his job. And then Delilah was like, what he wants to know is, are you not funny anymore? And I was like, I was like, are you reading my YouTube comments? I don't agree with that. I don't know. I think I got some bangers right here. He pulled out your joke book. Uh, you're, you're ever have a daughter.

That's kind of an asshole. I mean, I know Louie did that, but like I could do a different thing. Yeah. You're a fuck. Yeah. You ever have a daughter that's kind of an asshole? I mean, I know Louie did that, but like I could do a different thing. I could do a different, yeah. Dude, that's wild. I know dude, it's so funny because now my kids are at the age where like, they, their friends will see like a clip or whatever,

like their friend's parents will see a clip online and then like, you know, make a comment to their kids about it. And then like, I have to deal with. Yeah, cause they go home and by the way, they're not like, they're not nerfing the blow. They're like letting you know what they say. Oh yeah, kids, they don't have like any filters.

So they just go, he says you, he said he liked you better on Guy Code and you go, fuck. Yeah. I was fucking 10 years ago. I don't really know what you want me to do. I mean dude I remember when I put out my Comedy Central half-hour One of my best friends Danny we were like it came out

And I went home for the summer and I was like hanging out with them Those are for like a week or whatever and we're like driving somewhere and he goes hey Can I tell you something and you won't be mad and I go yeah, he goes My mom didn't like your Comedy Central half-hour and I was like, yeah, I don't know. She's like a seven year old woman. That's all right. Yeah, I'm not going for a demo. Yeah. But like, that was easy. And that's an older generation. I can't imagine young people coming in and being like, yeah, he says that premise has been done to

death. And yeah, well, dude, you know, a pimp, pimp, you know, directed and edited and everything my special special weshy. And, and we watched it know, directed and edited and everything, my special, especially Weshie. And, and we watched it. I watched it with Delilah, right? The whole family, like we watched, just me, Jazz and the kids. And then Delilah literally, she never sits and like watches anything. She's a little kid.

But she sat and watched all whatever it was, 35, 40 minutes of it, literally watches it, doesn't laugh once. Like we were just like dealing with it and like Jazz was laughing here and there, just watching it. And then, and then like it's over and I goes, what do you think and she goes I didn't get it Well child was weird if you were a child and you kind of understood all that stuff It's just kind of she's like, yeah, I don't I don't get it It's not I mean, I think they're the sign of it is when they're older and they watch and they go Oh shit, that was funny. Yeah, like I was a little Cause they're little. You can't expect them to be tiny geniuses.

She's, well, the thing about, the thing about what I love about my daughter is she's about honor, dude. She's all samurai honor, bro. She was a Bushido code specs, the rules. Like when that lady pulled her phone out, she was like, you're being dishonorable. And she, I don't know why she always says that word. She's always like, she's just about like honor and like respect. I love that.

Yeah. Dude, that's your dad getting to her. Yeah, just really. He's like, look at me right here. There ain't only two things that matter, life, honor and respect. Yeah. Dude, I think kids stay funny, like kids of comics.

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That's bluenile.com to find the perfect jewelry gift for any occasion. bluenile.com. Right at the end of the pandemic and Jay's daughter's grown now. Oh yeah, she's like in her twenties, right? She was like 21. I think she was 21 when this happened, but we went and saw corn with, uh, with stained was opening for them. And aren't they like friends with corn? Isn't Jay?

Yeah, Jay knows corn. And so we go, we had like really good seats and we're like watching corn. It was at Jones Amphitheater. Yeah. And we're like at Jones Amphitheater, and this woman in front of us was like, you could tell she was super into corn her whole life, like never gave up. And she's like dancing, but she's live streaming it. And we're like, and Katie, Katie's sitting next to Isabella,

it's Isabella, Katie and I, and we're like watching this, we're like, this lady's live streaming. And we don't even notice this, but Isabella just goes, look at how many people, it's zero. And we're like, I would have never noticed that. But just like, she still has funny kid eye, where she was like, this bitch is live streaming for no one, and she's like, swaying to corn.

Like that's such a funny observation I would have never got myself. I mean, having kids, do you worry about them, like she's nine, how much is she on the internet? So what we do is we kind of made it, because at first, it's interesting what's happened. I think over like, you know, because when my 13 year old,

when Tristan, he's going to be 14 now, when he was like seven, so just seven, eight, they, every kid wanted an Instagram for like their birthday. Like that's what people's parents were getting them. Kids' parents were getting them like a social media for their birthday, but now social media in these past five years has become like such a publicly toxic thing that even the children

don't want the social media anymore. So my daughter doesn't even want, she wants a phone, like every kid wants a phone, but what her thing is, is she honestly at this point, I don't know if it's I think it's her and her friends I think it's just a phenomenon is happening. They're watching like they want will watch Netflix or YouTube But what they're putting in is like old shows So like my daughter like loves like the Big Bang Theory Like she wants to watch that so she'll search like Big Bang clips on YouTube. Like her YouTube shorts will be like, you know,

you know, Clarissa explains it all. And like Moesha, M to the, O to the, P to the. That's like full circle moment. Moesha. But it's like, she wants TGIF. Yes. Like what we had when we were kids. Because you know what I think?

I really think that kids now, I'm one of the first generations of parents who have to deal with an internet, social media kid, but on the same hand, they're dealing with internet, social media parents, and I think that what you're finding out is the kids subconsciously see this isn't good. It's almost like cigarettes for your brain,

where they're seeing right now, they're like, this isn't good like it's almost like cigarettes for your brain yeah where they're seeing like right now they're like this is not this is not good I mean it's kind of the way our generation looks at alcohol yeah our parents all drank it was like yeah everyone drinks who doesn't drink and if you didn't drink they're like he had a fucking problem yeah or if someone went to therapy they were like oh he's crazy yeah but instead of just being like nah man it's booze. I think enough people have seen booze ruin people's lives, or enough people have seen the benefit of therapy

that they're like, oh, OK, yeah, this actually does help. Dude, and then the thing is too with raising kids today, it's tough because you've got to give them their privacy and all that stuff. But like my stepson, if he wants to write a paper, like you, you know, he wrote this paper and it's like, I don't know if Chad GPT is writing it. Chad GPT could absolutely be writing it.

I think, I definitely think Chad GPT wrote one of his papers about Napoleon, like Napoleon. It's just too good. Yeah, it was like just too, like he's talking about like definition, like, you know, details in a battle and all that. And I was like, I was like oh this is a great paper. He was like yeah, you know, just love Napoleon,

just really crammed for it. And I was like okay, I was like where's Napoleon from? And he was like, you mean like originally? I was like, I was like what? I was like no, I was like, because I know that's a tough one. I was like what country was he the emperor of that he got like famous for like this country

and he was like Spain. I was like, no, it's France. I was like, how do you know details of Waterloo? Yeah, I was like, how do you know like the definitions, you know, like, like the battle flanking movements of Waterloo. You know, the strategic implications of Napoleon is army, but you don't even know what country he was. I was like, so did Chad GPT write that? He was like, I'll do it over.

That's so funny. I would, here's the thing. I'm not acting better than them. Yeah. I would a hundred percent use Chad GPT. There's no way this idea that like adults do this and it's crazy because our parents did it to us and I felt like we were growing up like I'll never do this to my kids you

inevitably do it right there's a shortcut and you go you don't take shortcuts and then you think back and you go I would have loved every shortcut oh well yeah I mean listen we it's one of those things where it's like the internet like I'm sure when you know the internet the internet came out, people will, you know, the, our parents were like, why are you to go to the library and look that up? Now you got to write it in a computer, which is true. It was much easier, but we still didn't have the ability.

Like we still had to Google it and consume the info. Now, which you don't have to do any of that. No, you just type in Napoleon biography. That's it, bro. 10 page paper and it'll just do it. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And then you write, like write it a little dumb. Yeah. GBT is like you got it. You know we're gonna take you over. It's like telling us it's like I look forward to

being your master. What was that Chad GBT? It's like here's your paper. I mean it's it's I think like the hope that I have in humanity is watching kids resist social media. And like you said, figuring out it's like cigarettes or figuring out like the way we did with alcohol on a certain extent where you're like, Hey, you don't have to do this and it's worse for you because I think a lot of kids are damaged by our generation growing up with the internet and not knowing the

boundaries of it and making like, like putting your kid on the internet. You do a good job of sparingly do that, but like people that think about all these like adults that made their kids into stars on. I, we always when I was when when Pimp and I were doing the pod together when we first started Chrissy Kass we did it from my house. Yeah I remember that. Like from my little apartment like our apartment was like a little bit bigger than this room so like we had no choice but to like people coming in and out. But like if our kids, if my kids were on it, they were just, you just heard their voice. I was like, I'm not showing their faces.

I'm not going to do that to them. And I mean there's a, there's a laundry list of reasons why you shouldn't do that. But their privacy is something that we didn't even realize we weren't respecting. Well, that's the thing. Initially, when social media first came out, I would post when my oldest daughter was like three, I would post her all the time thinking like, Oh, this is fun. I didn't. And then one day it just hit me where I was like, no, I'm ex this is can be as

exploiting them. They're not really there. They're little kids. Like they may grow up 20 years from now or even sooner and be like, why did you post a picture of my shit diaper? Like that's embarrassing. And so I was like, stop it. And then the parents that still do it, I mean, maybe they have different philosophies and teach their own, but I'm like,

I didn't wanna be the, like I'll talk about them in my comedy and podcast, but it's still like, I'm just telling stories. I'm not gonna ever show a picture of them or a video. I would never, I have like a private Instagram that has like 50 followers. That's just for friends and family that we post pictures and videos of of them or a video. I would never, I have like a private Instagram that has like 50 followers that's just for friends and family that we post pictures and videos of of them. I always think about the little boy from Modern Family

and like if you watch Modern Family, he starts off as this like cute, precocious kid who's like got the sisters, he's kind of dumb and he has a good relationship with the dad and then you get to the point where he's a teenager and you're like, ah, like the way he grew up, he's like, oh, it's like seeing this monster and you feel bad. The reason I'm saying that is, you know, this kid will probably have problems

being a child actor. And we learned about our generation learned about child actors. We learned like, don't do that. It's fucked up to make a kid an actor. Kind of made it a little gross. You saw from the Corey Feldman's down all the, how it damaged kids brains. And then, but we don't realize, we're just doing that with social media. You're just making all your kids child actors. Yes. And well, everything, everybody is their own little movie studio now with their phone. So, so, and I think like, you know, people are getting off on like this, you know, the power of the light and the repost or whatever,

like it makes them feel good. It's like positive endorphins. And then I think people are feeling so good to the, not realizing like, Hey, you're, you're, you're making your child, like your child didn't ask for this and you're kind of bragged. Yeah. So I kind of feel like, Hey, I decided to do comedy and ruin my life. I'm not going to ruin my, I'm not going to bring my kids into this mess. You're almost like you're molesting their image. life. I'm not gonna ruin my, I'm not gonna bring my kids into this mess. You're almost like, you're molesting their image.

Yes. You're like, you're taking advantage of it and doing it in a way where you're like, man, your kid didn't even kind of ask this. Dude, well the first, I'm not glad this happened, but it was like an eye-opening thing. I think whenever I stop, I think my daughter was three. Whenever I think, yeah, she had to be three.

I got a DM and it was a guy who DMed and the message started off good. He was like, hey, you know, like love your content, whatever, and I opened it. And then he was like, I just want to know what size shoe is your daughter? And I was like, you know what dude, even if that wasn't even, even if he like

was just a cobbler, even if he was just like a shoe cobbler and he just wanted to make her a pair of shoes. I was like, the fact that he asked what, I just creeped me out and I, but then it wasn't even about me. I was like, what am I, I cannot continuously post my kid who did not, who I'm telling you is the most important person in my life,

but yet I'm putting her in somewhat danger doing this so I can feel good. I was like, stop it. Dude. This just reminded me of this story. So when I was like 12, my mom's boyfriend was living in Connecticut and we moved him from Connecticut to Colorado. So he flew out to Connecticut and drove him back to Colorado and he used to go to this sports bar in Connecticut called tickets.

That's the, I remember the place of the name It's probably not even around any that's where Sol Joel had the show. Yeah, that's fine I would later bomb there as an adult, but he My mom and her boyfriend and I go out because they had like sandwiches and it was a bar It was a sports bar It was like a Yankees Giants one of those Connecticut bars that like are all in New York sports But it's in Connecticut and I just remember my mom and her boyfriend, Joe got fucking hammered. They were hammered and I ended up talking to this guy at the bar, right? And this guy at the bar is like,

yeah, do sports memorabilia. And I'm like, I love the 49ers. And he's like, oh yeah, dude, I can get you 49ers stuff. And I was like, this guy rules. And he's like, do you like the San Francisco Giants? I was like, yes. And he's like 49ers stuff. And I was like, this guy rules. And he's like, do you like the San Francisco Giants? I was like, yes. And he's like, and what else? I was like, the Denver Nuggets. I'm just into the Nuggets. And he was like, oh dude,

I can get you all these old caps. Do you have like the old, and this was before every company was making throwback stuff. He's like, I can get you ABA stuff from the Nuggets. And I was like, hats? I remember hats was what this guy was saying. This guy was telling me he can get you ABA stuff from the nuggets. And I was like, hats? I remember hats was what this guy was saying. This guy was just telling me you can get hats. And he's like, this is 1995,

nine, 12. So what do you like 12? Oh, 12, okay. Yeah, so it's like 95. So like the internet's barely around. No, it's free discs of AOL at this time. And I'm like, dude, yeah, this is great. And he's like, you should give me your address and I'll mail you a bunch of

hats. And so I go get a pen and I'm writing it down and my mom comes over and she's like, what are you doing? And I was like, oh, this guy, this guy's going to give me a bunch of hats. And my mom's like, who? And I'm like, that guy right there. And my mom's like, yeah, that's not happening. Yeah. And I was like, I just remember being like, you guy right there. And my mom's like, yeah, that's not happening. Yeah. And I was like, I just remember being like, you bitch. Yeah. You bitch.

This guy's going to give me so many hats. And then the next day, my mom was like, dude, he can kidnap you. Like, he can just strip take you. You later found out it was John Wayne Gacy. Yeah. He said, I dress as a clown and I like to do a lot of fuck up shit. But I didn't even come and play. But I did not even realize. I'm so I'm such an idiot. They're like, yeah,

dude, I didn't even realize I was just like, oh, this guy, uh, this guy's offering me to get a cool look at that. Connecticut made me think of this. Oh no, it was Vermont. So my mom goes out, my mom and dad were split up, right? And, uh, you know, my whole life and my mom, you know, was whatever single. So she goes out on a date with this guy. I think his name was Chuck. She goes on a date with this guy, Chuck, and she's like, you know what, well, whatever, blah, blah,

and then my dad was coming to pick me up for, you know, whatever, baseball practice or to go back to his house on Staten Island and kind of sees him leaving. And, you know, my dad, like whatever, is remarried, doesn't care. My dad's just like, I don't like that guy. Tell my mom, and she's like, get over it.

He's like, it's not about you. I don't like that guy, he's got bad energy. And my dad never says that, right? So I was like, okay. And then, so whatever, a couple of weeks go by and my mom says, oh, you're gonna go with your father this weekend, which I would always go with him every other weekend. She goes, I're gonna go with your father this weekend, which I would always go with him every other weekend.

She goes, I'm gonna go up to Vermont with Chuck. He's got like a winter home up there. And- He's got a torture palace. You go, that's not good. So my dad goes, no, I don't think she should do that. And I was like, I mean, like, you know, it's my mom. Like, yeah, we're gonna get tired.

Now she's a grown woman. Yeah, and so he calls her and he's like, you shouldn't go. You know, I know like this is crazy, but like you shouldn't go. And then I start to get nervous. I was like, oh, well, if he says not to go, don't go, don't go. So she's like, you know what? Fine. I won't go.

Whatever happened. And then, uh, she, she calls him, says I'm not going. And he starts flipping out. This guy, Chuck, like flipping out. And she's like, and then she's starting to see like Go because he was already up there. She's gonna like take the train up there Whatever and then she gets a call like a few days later like Tuesday or Wednesday from like the Vermont police department And they're like hey, you know like you spoke to this man You know can you tell us some bad and whatever and she was like, you know, whatever she goes

Yeah, she goes he went into a bar and he killed some random woman out. You know, we know it's him. And she was like, he murdered someone. So, and we saw that he dialed this number. So we were just trying to get some info on what may have happened. And she was like, yeah. Yeah, so.

Yeah. Because for a minute before you find out it was a murderer, you're like, I kind of get the rage if you thought he was going to get some pussy. But he's like, I mean, I rented this fucking cabin. as murderer you're like I kind of get the rage if you thought He's gonna get some pussy. Yeah, I mean I rented this fucking Yeah, the reality like oh no, he's a murderer. I know my dad was like you see that's a good That's like a sixth sense where he's like, yeah, you're not doing that not not and then that fight is so worth it for her

Life. Yeah, she's like don't you fucking tell me what to do. Maybe if you care just watch She's like, don't you fucking tell me what to do. Maybe if you care this much, wait, stop playing that other. And he's like, fuck you. And then it's like, we found him wearing the skull of a woman as a hat. Now every Friday, my dad's like, remember that time I saved your life. Remember when I bailed you from old Chuckie Stab, Stab?

Remember Mr. Stab a lot? So at the end of this episode, first off, Chris DeStefano, you're the man. Thank you, bro. That's how we love your apartment. Thanks, dude. Are we open about we're coming to you live from the man. Thank you bro. Love your apartment. Thanks dude. Are we open about we're coming to you live from Dan's apartment? Yeah this is my apartment. This is the second bedding dude. This is where I would live man. This is where I play video games. It's fucking awesome. You need a two bedroom in Manhattan. Well we're lucky that we got this

apartment. We're also. Was this a COVID deal or this was like a good deal? Well the reason this is a good deal is because people get access to the roof from our level. And so we found out from the building that like, I was like, why is this cheaper than the other apartments? And they're like, no reason. And then the summer came and we're like, Oh, it's like a bar out in the hallway. Like you just have people, like there's a lot of young people in our bill. There's a lot of families, but there's a lot of young people in our building and Right. And they fucking get hammered and bring friends. Is there like a furnished roof deck out here type of thing?

It's very nice. And you just stairs are right here and there's like dirt. For some reason, the elevator comes to this level and then there's just an elevator that goes one floor up. Yeah. But it's like, you hear a lot of girls screams in the hallway and a lot of bros. So when we take the dog out, they're like, who is this? And you're like, shut up. She's wear a hat and you're like, fucking,

I just want to walk my dog. But that's why I saw the lady in the leasing office and I went, that's why it's cheaper. And she went, yeah. She was like, I don't want to tell you that. She's like, it sucks. She's like, a lot of families don't want to live on this floor. Cause it's like, it's just like, and then you'll come out in the hallway and there'd be like trash. And you're like, come on, it was like a like, and then you'll come out in the hallway and there'll be like trash, and you're like,

come on, this is like a nice building. But you're gonna stay here though. Yeah, we've been here already for about a year and a half, and I think we're gonna stay here another year. Yeah, dude. But it's great.