Soder - 52: Meat Smasher with Beth Stelling | Soder Podcast | EP 52

Episode Date: November 6, 2024

Support the Sponsors to Support THE SHOW! Get timeless looks with modern comfort from Mack Weldon. Go to MackWeldon.com and get 25% off your first order of $125 or more, with promo code DAN. That’s MackWeldon.com promo code DAN Stop wiping until you bleed. Join the 2 million butts who have already made the switch to TUSHY! For a limited time, our listeners get 10% off your entire order when you use code soder checkout. That’s 10% off your order at Hellotushy.com with promo code soder Hellotushy.com code soder Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Nov 8 - NYC Town Hall Nov 9 - Toronto, Canada Nov 14 -16 - Tampa,FL Nov 21 - 23 Homestead,PA Dec 6 - Chicago, IL Dec 7 - Milwaukee, WI DEC 12 - 14 Sacramento,CA Follow Beth Stelling https://www.instagram.com/bethstelling/?hl=en PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Connect with DAN Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by    @homelesspimp   https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

This November, I got a badass show that I'm very excited about with few tickets left. Town Hall for New York Comedy Festival, November 8th at 9.45 p.m. Town Hall, go get tickets right now. There's a few remaining. Let's fill it up. I'm very excited for that show. And then the next night, we're doing Toronto. Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Two shows at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre first show completely sold out second show lots of tickets available go to the late show if you don't have your tickets yet go check out the late show it is November 9th at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre the 730 is sold out. The 930 is very on sale

Tampa, Florida. I hope you're okay after the hurricane. We're coming down there in November November 15th, excuse me, November 14th through the 16th. I will be at side splitters comedy club in Tampa I hope you're alright, and if everything's call on out and we'll have a laugh. DanSodder.com. That's where you'll find me. I'm trying new catchphrases. Does this work? That's where you'll find me.

I think that sucks. Did you have that growing up where you like, I'm going to be crazy. I'm going to do something crazy. You don't seem like- Sometimes I feel feel like do I have memories really yeah sometimes I'm just sort of like is there things that have happened to me so bad I've locked away the rest of it you go am I a clone yeah I'm just like I you know I'm trying to think yes I did pink hair at one time okay yes I that's a bold move visited my dad in Orlando with I would my parents are divorced obviously.

I forgot your dad's in Orlando. Orlando. I forgot about that. You know, had to go visit him as kids. Me and my two older sisters because it was court ordered. And oh, really? So he want was it that the court rewarded him or the court punished him? What was it? Was it like the court going like you're going to see your fucking kids? The court gave him custody because he fought for it

But he shouldn't have No, but that's good Telling you as someone whose father didn't want to be involved. Hey, where you feel forced on You know where they're like now we're sending them to you. Yeah, and you're dealing with them for three weeks See that is a way worse feeling. Oh for sure. That's what I'm saying But your dad's like but that's why you're probably, you know, in some way or another people, please, or you're amenable. You're like, I'm going to, I'll fit right into this little spot right here and I'm not going to disturb. And you're nailing why I never shave half my head. Cause I'm like, guys, I'm not a problem.

Like I, I was the kid at sleepovers where they were like, um, is Dan still here? I go, I guess you could sleep on the couch. And I go, that's better. It's better than I expected. How did he be down there with you guys in the bag? No, you guys have your, so I don't need a bond. I will go to the garage. If you want me, I will clean your parents. I can clean up between your parents. I remember like cleaning up at sleepovers, like helping clean up, being like, I got this, you guys are kissing. I feel like I was, I don't know.

These are the times where I actually need to phone a friend and be like, what was I like? Well, do your sisters ever tell you that? Your two older sisters? Yeah, I mean, I was definitely a little shit. You're the youngest. Yeah. Comics, they say, are always the baby, only child, baby, or the oldest.

Yes. But mostly baby and only child. Yeah, mostly baby. Yeah, baby, because you're like, I'm the baby, gotta love me, you or the oldest. Yes. But mostly baby and only child. Yeah. Mostly baby. Yeah. Baby. Cause you're like, I'm the baby. Got to love me. You're the dinosaurs. Oh, it was great. And those all puppets. It was all puppets. And like skin like the baby was like, you saw the texture and you're like, why don't I want to touch it? But I don't want to touch it. Yeah. So you were the bait. How, what's the, what's the distance in you

and your older sister? Four years and six years. Okay. So the one that's six year was like no time for Beth. Oh, she would say things like I'm never having kids. Cause he, cause he. Yeah. Yeah. I remember one time I stabbed her with a pencil

and then go, like, I know it was going to get in trouble. I was like, Oh no. That's awesome. You go, I can't be in trouble cause I'm the victim. But you stabbed your sister. There was still like a little piece of lead in there. That's so great. Did you scratch your face? I, I remember my, we had a stepdad for a stint. And he tied a bolt to a string from a beam

in the basement for the cat to hit. And I right at her, little blood right here for sure. Really? Did you think it was funny? Again, it's the immediate, oh no, I'm gonna get punished. But at that moment where you flick that you go, this would be hilarious. Yes.

Nailed her with the bolt. Yes, I did all, I remember, I would do things like piss my pants to make them laugh. Who didn't? I just, I would do anything for a laugh. Can I just say the bravery? Because I did that once and it got a laugh, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, because I did that once and it got a laugh,

but the horror that follows the laugh is not worth the laugh. You almost learn your limitations right there. It's not too dissimilar from like, Oh, first time at a sea world, let's go to Shamu first. And the rest of the day, Oh God, I should have never done that. Why were we in the splash zone? Why would I go to the splash zone right away? It's, it's, it's, it's at the end of the day. When you're going home, you're going to get that fresh for all you young kids watching

this podcast, it's the closer clothes on pissing your pants. Because, dude, I remember my friend Byron lived around the corner from me, and we were in like seventh grade, and like all the neighborhood kids are hanging out, we're like being silly. And I go, what if I just pissed my pants? And they're like, you wouldn't. It was like summer, and I just started pissing,

and they were like. You wouldn't. They go, ah! And then I remember it was just one kid goes, eeeww. And then he'd go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's hilarious. Cause someone said I would never do it. And then dude, just being like having to fight the rumors

at the bus stop when school starts, like, Byron said you pissed your pants this summer. And you're like, I did it as a bit. I know it was a joke. And it was a fuck that doing that as a little kid, it was a fucking joke. Okay as a little kid, where you go, it was a fucking joke, okay? You don't get it. I will say the immediate lesson learned though,

is probably the most, it's the haunting part of it. For example, I used to do a lot of things for laughs, bodily humor. I one time ate a stick of butter for two minutes, because it'd make my friends older brother laugh. I ate a dog bone at my sister's party. I ate a. Like. I one time ate a stick of butter for two minutes cause it'd make my friends older brother laugh. I ate a dog bone at my sister's party. I ate a milk bone. Same.

I mean, we are, we would have been a killer comedy girl. Can you imagine? The nasty boys. I mean, the nasty boys. We would have, in middle school, we would have cleaned up at a bus stop. 100% My sister's a c-

Stealing and soda, they'd be like, good luck following it. By the way, they both piss at the same time. 100% my sister's a seeker. Stealing and soda, they'd be like, good luck following it. By the way, they both piss at the same time. I'm queefing on demand while you piss. I'm farting out the back, she's farting out the front. We got a whole fucking thing going. We lived in first-hand with some of them. Boom, let's get gross.

That bus pulls away, they're like, those kids are gonna do something. By the way, Child Protective Services would absolutely go to both the Stealing and Soder households and be like, we gotta check out on these kids. But you are in that age of middle school, you are going for what can make people laugh.

Yes. And it was, there's a crossover that probably happens, I think, sooner for girls, which is like, you guys can go longer without hitting puberty and sort of fake it. For us, it's very clear that you don't have tits and that was like something I wanted so bad. I was like so flat for so long. I was a gymnast. Were you, how long, how old were you a gymnast till? I think I actually stopped in sixth grade but the tits, the side effect of no tits lasted forever.

They keep that, they push that period down on gymnasts. I didn't get one until ninth grade. Yeah. Was that, how, I'm a Yeah, I didn't get one until ninth grade Yeah, was that how I'm a guy. I probably could have been having sex without any protection. That's crazy. You're just robbed on me As it kicked in So What's the normal age for a period like well now they say like kids are getting in fifth grade because the milk has hormones and stuff. Shout out science. Thanks for pressing the fast forward button. Exactly. So some people and even back then I remember like the earliest I had heard was fifth that's

really soon. Yeah that's got to be scary. Yes that's something you would almost hide like oh my god I'm bleeding I'm not gonna tell my mom. She thinks I'm dying. Man, you know, boys are so lucky that we don't have that moment where all of a sudden our shit just starts bleeding at school and you're like, ah, ah, ah, ah. You gotta find a fucking teacher.

You get a little blood on your hand and leave a path to the bathroom. Yeah, it looks like Desperado and Anthony, but there is, when he's walking along the wall, it's just streaking. Did you? The blood squats to follow Soderling in a pool. Yeah.

Nah, I'm just kidding, my bus is bleeding. Yeah. Get up, we're just doing bits. He was not doing that bit, that's a good bit. It's a good bit. Again, all the children that watch. Get your period. Drip, drip, drip to the bathroom.

They have a little mystery trail. All the children who are watching out there. Find out who's going to be a detective at your school. See who follow, follow the blood, follow the blood. When you were doing gymnastics, did it get to a point where it was like too competitive? Yes. Okay. So I started in first grade, which you could almost argue is a little late. Really funny thing about so many of these things that, that people master so early, I was like going for a jog at the track the other day and I saw a guy, he

had put one of those harnesses on his daughter who looked I'm bad at ages five. Sure. And she's like running. This was like a high school that I was running around the track. She's training a five year old for real. And at first I was like, what? You know, like that's nuts. But then I'm thinking, I don't know.

There's so many arguments about like what you're supposed like the lines with your children, you know, like what's too soon or even more controversial topics. But it's like, I don't know. Did they express an interest in soccer or are you forcing it on them until they say no? Also, it's like weird to be like, yeah, my first grader has an explosiveness to her because we're using shoot training at the high school. Right. With a parachute every Saturday.

It's like you, when you're little, you just want to run around. Right. You don't want to a parachute on your kid. I think that's like, I think a lot of that is adults living through their children. I think earliest version of it is they're getting in that soon. Cause I definitely express interest in it. That's why my mom, my mom's were freaking was a teacher. Yeah. And she, she didn't tell me at the time, but later I found out she like dipped into her savings so that I could do gymnastics. So you wanted to do it bad. I did. And also I was like an ADHD kid, which of course I didn't find out. Like,

it was told to me way too late and I. Oh, now that I don't have to take tests? Exactly. Thanks. Yeah. So anyway, I was, so got a lot of talks too much, got a lot of can't sit still, is finishing her work then annoying other people. Sounds like a write-up for me.

Except I never finished my work. I go right to pick it, go from picking glue off my hand to annoying my classmates. Hey, what are you doing? Can I copy? Can I copy? Oh God, rubber cement smells so good. Oh my God, but just pouring glue on your hand

and letting it dry and then being like, I'm lucky I don't do meth. I mean, that's like why you smoke meth is- It's a project. You just pick glue off your hand, but it's actually your real skin That's what it is. So when you were like, so you know your mom about the interest. I Was sounds like you more than express. Yes. I really wanted to do it

She she's sacrificing so that I could do it. Did your sisters do it? No, they did ballet and I couldn't I I didn't like it So everything that they did I either fail at or I wasn't good at. I remember like being scared to go into ballet. It just wasn't my thing. So my sisters were kind of two peas in a pod. They're like, I don't know, I forget. Two years apart. 16 months apart or something, or 18 months.

Irish twins, huh? Yeah, they're close. I guess maybe it's a little longer, 79 and yeah, who cares. Point is close. And I was never really doing what they were doing. The gymnastics, I was like ripped as a kid. You know what I'm saying? Like third grade, I've got an eight pack.

Oh, no body fat. Yeah. Yeah. And you could do like crazy flips. I could do pushups, I could do sit ups. I'm trying to think about like the most impressive things. You know, climb a rope in a warehouse and ding a bell at the top of a warehouse. Never made it to the top.

Yeah. I mean, that was a source of pride because that was like a big deal because it's also scary to get up that high. And then what about- I can't believe they let us do it to be honest. I know, with no support, no harnesses? Yeah. How did a kid not just fall out the sky?

I don't know. Imagine being a gym teacher and you're like talking to another kid, you go Reese, and then just see the kid go, swoop, and you go, oh, are you all right? Like, dude, Vecchione and I. Especially because the mats in gym are like that thing. At least in the gymnastics place,

they've got some big eight inch ones. Vecchione and I belonged to a gym in Queens. I haven't seen him in a long time, I love him. Oh, he's great, he was on a podcast. He, we were at a gym in Astoria called The Rock. Welcome to The Rock. And they had a rock climbing wall. Never saw anybody use it in the

six years I went there. And one time I'm just like working out. It's like a fucking Wednesday afternoon. And all of a sudden in the corner of my eye, I just see a guy go, and a guy didn't sign up, didn't tell the Jimmy was going to climb, just started climbing the rock wall and got high up and didn't know how to get down and fell down. Not even into the cubes of foam? No cubes of foam. Those thin, they were like, those thin mats stacked. They had to get an ambulance and pull him out on a stretcher. It was wild.

And I was like, I think I was like doing something like curls or something. So I'm like, and then it's just like, you just see him fucking eat it. I think that was at the gym that day too. Cause we were like, that was fucking wild. Cause you can't react to that. No, you're not supposed to laugh. I would love to know how many gym teachers have watched kids go like, I was going home. Oh shit. I know how was there not, or they catching him or I don't know.

I mean, to try to get under them. I feel like the I was going, oh shit. I know. How was there not? Or they catching him or I don't know. I mean, to try to get under them. I feel like the smart kid is, is knowing they should hold on and just suffer the rope burns. Yeah. Yeah. Just come down. So you were good at that. Okay. So yes, I actually was good at gymnastics, but it wasn't, I wasn't good enough. Like I, I, I made the team. Do you remember the girl's name that was good enough?

Do you remember who was really good? I know I'm trying to think of some of the I used to. You're right. Andrea. I'd like go back and think of like I sucked at baseball, but like the Nunes twins were like they were so good. They felt they were younger than me, but they felt like men. You're like, you guys can hit home runs and shit.

I am. I was OK. fielder horrible at the plate. There's also dynamics of those teams. Yeah. Like did they like you? I was funny but I sucked so it was tough. Okay. I was in middle school. I was trying to figure out like even still when I enter a new situation like being funny is very valuable. Yes. It's an icebreaker. As an adult though, I think as I've made it my career, I feel like maybe I've grown a little more shy. To be funny?

As an adult. Just, it comes out of me eventually. But I think as an adult that I've made comedy my career, I'm a little shy outside of it. I don't know, it's like a weird side effect. Yeah. Do you think you were more like brazen when you were like, yes. Well, you were pissing your pants.

I was pissing my pants and eating dog bones. The pissy, I mean the pissy pants twins. We're on tour. Come watch us. No diapers necessary. It's all for the laugh. So when you're doing gymnastics at what, do you remember the point where you're like, I'm done doing this? It was like, I was getting taller. I started being like, I don't know if I'll ever do those types of routines on the balance beam. The balance beam really held me up.

Because I learned how to do a cartwheel, which was hard enough, but enough times where you do a back walk over or any sort of jump in the air and you're landing on a beam like this right on your crunch, it's like, I don't know how many times I can do that. I saw that at the Olympics a couple of times this year. This is what I'm saying.

The beam was the scariest thing for me. I really liked the bars, I liked the floor, but- I know they make a big deal of guys getting kicked in the dick all the time, but smashing your puss on a bar, it has to hurt. Yes, and it did. I remember going to the bathroom after it and seeing like, I remember going, did I get my period?

Like, I thought that's how it worked. Whoa. Like I banged it up so hard. Oh yeah. You knocked it loose. I'm not saying there was blood, but I was like, if this, did that make me get my period? That's what I thought. Having a bruised puss. Cause of a balance beam. Also you got the, you got the lit, you know, you got, you got meat before it. So you're smashing meat. Yeah. Boy or girl, you're smashing your meat. A balance beam is a meat smasher. That's what they should call it.

Fuck a balance beam. Call it what it is. It's a meat smasher. Yeah, so it was like, I was good, but yeah, it was getting taller. I had the fear in me, which made me feel uncomfortable because it's like, I wanna be fearless. I want to be this good.

So would you see girls? But the skills were getting higher and higher and I thought, I don't know if I can hack that. Did you ever do like the bars? Yes, I did the bars. The routine was more like kip glides up, like casting, which is like your feet up, up, and then around, like you do circling.

You do the around. A giant is when you are fully extended and you see them go around the big and they kind of like, they'll kind of pike a little bit and then go up. Yeah. I did those with a spot. That was never something I. Still you did it. Yeah, but that was never something. Give go up. I did those with a spot. That was never something I, yeah, but that was never-

Give yourself credit. I still got to do it. And then I would do a flip off, one flip, versus double twist, anything. Don't give a shit, that's sick. That's still cool. And you know, I liked the floor so much because I could do back handspring, back handspring,

you know, back flip, back tuck. To music? Yes, right? And you had things. And you had pose. Do a couple steps. It's always so measured. That's I finally noticed that's how you do your jokes. Like you're about to do a thing and go dating's weird. Before I go on stage, like side stage, nobody sees me, but I go like this.

You chalk and he goes, my butt showing. Let's do this. So was your mom, I mean, she spends savings on you. Yeah. Was she bummed out when you're like, I don't want to do gymnastics anymore. I think after spending approximately 11 hours at a meet on a Saturday, she was like, I think that's okay for me to stop. She's like, I want a new TV.

She goes, absolutely, retire. And then also, you know, there are certain sports that are gonna be for rich kids. Like, that costs money for the leotards or the equipment, or the sticks or whatever it is. So yeah, the long meet, my sisters came to one and they were like, bye. That's so funny.

And then ballet, they're like, at least you could see a show. Yeah, exactly. And so it was just sort of like, everyone accepted that I was like, kind of getting too tall and a bit of a frankly was to do some of the bigger things. But then you're also becoming a lady. Yeah.

And you didn't want that. And I was like, maybe now I'll get my period if I stop doing gymnastics. Cause I feel like with gymnasts, they're like 17 and they're like, I'm 17 years old and I'm from Duluth, Minnesota. And you're like, you're not, you are being pushed down. You are being like.

Kept in a jar. It's crazy, yeah, and they're like, no lady, time for you. Do you think those girls, when they get their period, they like get their period? Cause it's just gushing, it's a geyser and then shot to the ceiling. Their ovaries and uteral lining are like.

No, honestly, I feel like it's like stone soup. Like just squeezing a little blood out of this one by one. I thought it would be like, you know, on SNL, would they put a tube up their sleeve to throw up? That happens when they say I'm officially retired from gymnastics. And I am no longer going to be a gymnast. I need officially retired from gymnastics. Oh man, do I love my tushy. That's right, I love my own tush, but also the tushy bidet. It's unbelievable. I got one and I think you should too

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That's Mack Weldon, M-A-C-K-W-E-L-D-O-N.com, promo code Dan. Well, that's the thing, I had an eight pack in pecs. You know, like, where are the tits gonna come in? You had Sarah Connor body. You were ready to fight a Terminator. I was ripped. I did, you know, desperately want boobs

and boy's attention and. to fight a Terminator. I was ripped. I did desperately want boobs and boys attention. I mean, but then you also hear the opposite side of it. It's like girls who get boobs when they're young, like big boobs, they're like, it's like a nightmare. It's like a beacon for every boy. It's like zombies. It's that point in the movie where all the zombies look and realize you're a human.

All the boys are like, oh, oh. Also, did you guys do this? Like the room where, so we had seventh through twelfth grade in the same building, which is wild. Oh, terribly unhealthy. That's like, that's all kinds of stache stuff is going on. I mean, stache, I mean. Stache to the max. I know friends 12s and like what was the What yeah, you don't even know multiplication around each other she's just dating a senior she's like Okay, all right, okay. Yeah. Anyways, we're going to homecoming I remember when I was in high school the hottest girl like Katie and I were just talking about this like when you was in high school, the hottest girl, like Katie and I were just talking about this.

Like when you go to high school, there's like rumors of how hot girls are from other middle schools. That's what like boys talk about. We got an incoming. And they were like, this girl Angie was like, talked about, like we'd go to the movies. Like that was like kind of like the first celebrity.

I don't know what she's up to now. I don't know, she follows me on Instagram. She likes posts of mine. I became friends with her in high school. I genuinely was like excited by that. But she, um, it's pretty crazy. I feel like I got to take my shoes off just so I can get, I gotta get comfortable. Not, you know, um, also I feel like all those kids watching, they're not, they don't have foot fetishes yet. So don't worry about it's also socks on.

I'll put you got a bunch of grown men watching this. When you said socks, but oh God damn it. I thought we fucking had. They were listening and they went to YouTube. Oh, nevermind. Nah, fuck this dude. I'm gonna go listen to something else. But I remember in middle school, like the hype of girls from other schools.

All of a sudden it smells like brie cheese. I can't smell. So you can fucking let it loose. No, no, no, it doesn't. So you can fart around me. You can't smell it all? At all. I talk about it a lot on stage.

Wait, maybe you mentioned it last night. Yeah, I can't talk about it. I mean, I can't smell. I can't smell at all. Katie's like- Ever? Or was it a COVID thing? Oh no, it was COVID.

It was COVID. And it didn't come back? No, but I'm fine with it. I don't care. I don't really give a shit. Honestly, if I were- It was very dull before COVID. Yeah, as your girlfriend, I'd be like, no, yeah, I just showered.

Everything's cool. Oh, no. Katie, like I told her, there became a point where I go, you can fart. Like I don't, that's great. It does nothing. It's purely funny. It's like purely funny, but okay. Sorry, sorry. So when you're in middle school and you like quit gymnastics, what's crazy is like girls getting boobs changed. Like that changes that like has to change your life. But the jealousy. Oh God, I was so jealous of these girls. You know exactly who you almost had me. Ashley Ashley. She's still hot. But yeah. Okay, but speaking of her, sorry. And then now you find out she has like spina bifida.

No, she's still hot, she's doing great. Cause she had giant tits. I think she's actually an agent. Sorry if you're listening. That's so funny. Hot, why sorry? We were talking about how you're in your great boobs. Okay, but did you guys do this?

The rumors of hookups and stuff. And one of the rumors was like, did you hear like, Ryan sucked Tina's tits? That was like a rumor of like, like tits sucking. I remember French kissing being like, they Frenched. And you're like. The tits sucking thing you might, like from my mom, what are we talking about?

You also don't realize how close you are to sucking your mom's tits. Like you're so, you're so close to that. That you're like, what do you do in seventh grade? Cause like, I can't imagine being a little boy, like how do you suck tits as a little boy? You're like, you don't even know what you're doing. You're like as a man, you know to sputtle around

if I can get in there. But like as a little boy, you're not like, that's gotta be weird. I was always like, in seventh grade, and I had a bit on my HBO special, it was true, I used to like play with action figures still and smoke cigarettes. So it's this weird cross section where you're like,

I'm doing adult shit, but I'm a little boy. Exactly, there is that, yes. For example, we were, my dad would somehow let me get like Cosmo Magazine or something. Crazy. And Big Leg Chew. And it just feels- We got two bags in the kitchen if you want some.

It feels weird picking up your American Girl doll after reading an article on how to touch the perineum. You know what I mean? That's so funny. How to milk your man. And then you're like, oh, baby's little poopsie needs new shoes. And you're like, that's that, that's,

I mean, but that's how it was. I was ripping a Marlboro Red and being like, yeah, I think to Tonka is going to take on Undertaker. And I really was like, that was like the real thing. When I tell people that joke, it's like, no, I wasn't a joke. That was really what I was doing. I remember we were going, like my friends were already, we were in middle school.

My friends were already starting to smoke weed. And I remember we had a gate in my backyard, my stepdad before he left, like made a gate in our back fence because my bus stop was right behind my house. So instead of walking all the way around, he just like made this gate, this like tiny little gate in my back fence.

That's nice. But then my friends found out about it and they're like, oh, can we cut through your house? And I remember like, it wasn't even going to school. We were like cutting through my house for something. And I had a wicker basket filled with my guys, all my guys. And I had like a blanket over it and fucking Scott Thompson, shout out Scott Thompson.

I talked to him, lives in Seattle, comes out to the shows, we're still buddies. Thank you for the sales. He saw like a leg of a toy and then went, Shout out Scott Thompson. I talked to him, lives in Seattle, comes out to the shows. We're still buddies. Thank you. He saw like a leg of a toy and then went, Dan still plays with toys and spilled the whole thing in front of like all the cool kids. And I went, Oh, I think we're getting rid of those. And then they left and I was putting it back in.

I was like, I'm so sorry guys. I'll be back. Sorry. We got a war to fight on the stairs later, but I I was like, I'm so sorry guys, I'll be back. Sorry you had to hear that. Sorry, we got a war to fight on the stairs later. But I hope, I'm so sorry. But I remember being like, you are at this moment where you're like wanting adulthood, but you're also a kid, so.

And I had older sisters, you were only child, so that created probably more mystery for you. Yeah, it was like a bubble. I think it created a lot of fear, but I also think it created a lot of a- You guys had, you probably had your friends where like, you know, you can't get pregnant if you have sex in a hot tub.

And he's like, what? You told you that. Pour soda in the girl's pussy and then she can't get it. And you're like, that sounds horrible. That science on that sounds rickety. But I feel like older kids, I don't know. I felt like maybe I had a little more knowledge, even though they're doing it, saying

and doing dumb stuff too. Yeah, but you watched them. Yeah. Especially your oldest sister. Period wise, for example, like we were talking about, it's like, at least I wasn't like, oh, what is this? Or I tried to do things faster. Like I shaved my legs in third grade and I started underneath the ankle bone.

Really? I locked myself in the bathroom when my mom was like at some sort of conference. And I took, you know, speaking of single mom and like at some sort of conference and I took you know Speaking of single mom and like we're working on a budget here. We had daisy razors Oh, yeah, the freaking plastic basically like a might as well have been a shard of glass. How bad did you cut yourself? Oh so bad. I started underneath here and went up no water. No Dry cut it. I freaking basically committed suicide Suicide which sister found you Megan bang You dry cut it? I freaking basically committed suicide, attempted suicide.

Which sister found you? Megan, she banged, I locked myself in there banging on the door like, let in, just show us what it is. I mean, oh. When you showed it to them, were they like bang? Jesus Christ, and then of course, I had this huge bandage to wear to school the next week

and people were like, what happened? I'm like, cut myself shaving. There's like just one strip of hair missing, the rest is just like a beast. So funny. I got caught in I'm like, cut myself shaving. There's like just one strip of hair missing the rest is just like a beach. So funny. I got caught in a bear trap. Cut myself shaving. I was fucking running from the law and a bear trap. Got me with your sisters. Did you feel comfortable like going to Megan and being like, hey, when am I

gonna get my period? Did you ever like check in with them? Like like a little like a manager like a house manager. I know I'm trying to remember they definitely looked out for me like they did cool stuff. Megan, like a house manager. I know, I'm trying to remember. They definitely looked out for me. Like they did cool stuff. Megan's like, was a senior when I was a seventh grader. And so some of her guy friends. She's an adult. Yeah, and some of her guy friends,

like I remember Marty Coats, like. Shout out Marty Coats. On my birthday of seventh grade, whatever that would have been, 13, 12. 12. Yeah, walked me to my classes. Like he was so hot. He was like a football player. They made a sign from like a locker sign with pennies taped to it. Like my,

my middle sister Hannah's friends, uh, Donnie's Umarski like made me this. You know what I mean? They were just like, they looked out for me. I was, I wasn't like an embarrassment to them. I was kind of the funny. Yeah. Yeah. You're the mascot. You're the mascot of the family. Yes, I would do anything wild. Like this is bringing back memories. Remember when you asked me, like, what do you remember? I'm like, it's true. I was wild.

Yeah, you're a fair little kid and you're being funny. Yeah. So when you're funny, you get to be crazier. I was wild. Because people trust that where you're going is funny. Not like mentally disturbed. They're not like, oh, this kid's fucked up. They're like, all right, this kid's funny.

But like having that, having that like older kid, I mean, he's on the cusp of being 18. Yeah. And he like walks you to class and he's like, have a good class. And you're like, extreme boat. But like, it's so funny because I've had friends with older siblings and they really do like, they'll do a thing where they know you're a kid, but they like treat you like oh watch out. You're getting cute

I might ask you to prom and then you're like this is all I'm gonna think about for exactly Oh, I'm just gonna be obsessed with it. I'll be writing Beth Coats in my diary I wonder I wonder what we're gonna be like when we're married. Yes. I have such a crush. I have those diaries and they are disturbing. Oh, you've, oh, I mean, that's awesome. I have all of them, yeah. Oh my God. It's like says what I want. There's also some disturbing things, of course,

that are like go tanning, lose weight. Oh, dude, I, my mom. Do crunches, you know what I mean? I'm like, oh God. I didn't have a diary, but my mom found these cards when she was cleaning out of like stuff that I used to tape up on my like cork board or whatever. And one of it, it was like, stop being so depressed.

And I was like, I was like, what the fuck? Dude, I think I have, I can find it pretty quick. My mom was like, how sad were you? And I was like, I didn't think that bad. My mom was like, did I not give you a good life? And you're like, I didn't think that bad. Yeah. I don't remember. My mom was like, did I not give you a good life? And you're like, no, you gave me a great life. I have no idea. Dude, my mom was like, I was cleaning this out and I found this. And you're like, this is fucking wild. It was just like these, these like handwritten note cards. Cause a diary, you find it and you're like, here we go.

Yeah. Scott Thompson is going to find that until everyone. Scott Thompson, dude, shout out him for exposing my toys. I don't know what you created in me, but. I mean, there were so many freaking hilarious rumors though back then. Like I said, the Sucking Ted thing's kind of in the realm of like, that makes sense. I remember this rumor about one of the kids,

cause guys are starting to jerk off, was that he couldn't come unless he was by the window and ripped the shades up. That was a rumor about a kid. That's by the way, that's a very mature nut. To have that be your activation, pretty ripped up, pretty sophisticated. You got to be a real older perv.

Exhibitionist, really? Yeah. He's like, look at me, jerk it off. It's so funny when his mom's like, why are the blinds broken? He goes, I don't know, but we're going to need new blinds by tomorrow. I'm already full again. Did you ever think, did you ever think like Megan's friends were gonna like when you dropped you off, like when coats drops you off, are you like, when coats drops you off, are you like, here we go? Yeah. Like this is, if I look hot enough tomorrow, they're telling me there's a change.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna wear my wet seal top. That's a little bit lower and my mom's water bra. Uh-oh, uh-oh, looks like I just found a new husband. And this kid's like to your sister, he's like, I want her to see you. He's like, all right, come on, Beth. And you're like, I love you.

Yes, there was totally that feeling that I actually had a chance. Dude, I remember one of my best friends still this day, Foo Jack, his older sister, Sarah. She was only two years older than us. But in high school, that's, it might as well be a decade. And her hot friends would come around. And it would be like, I would try to be charming,

but I was like, 13, 14. And so you're be like, I would try to be charming, but I was like 13, 14. And so you're just like, how are you doing? And one of them goes, you don't stop talking, huh? And I was like, what? We were like, I remember specifically, we were- Can I get anybody a Coke? We were sitting in their basement and Sarah and her friend Jackie, oh, I got you.

Sorry, sorry, I keep fooling my stuff. Sorry, I'm a fidgeter. Same here. I fidget all the time. Is this good, like up? You're perfect. Is that all right? Sorry everyone.

Check the camera. But, because I don't care about politics. So when you see friends of yours that don't care they get into it, you're like, what are you doing? What are you doing? Okay, so sorry. But I remember sitting. You talk a lot.

Dude, I remember. Okay. There it is. I remember specifically sitting. You talk a lot. Dude, I remember. Okay. There it is. I remember specifically sitting in Foo Jack's basement with him, his sister Sarah and her friend Jackie who had a crazy big crush on him. Huge crush on Jackie. It was like such a longing.

It was like. It overpowered everything. At such a young age, you're like, I'll give you everything you want in this life. Exactly. We had nothing to distract us and literally nothing. You just be writing about it, thinking about them. I'd be like, what you're going to wear. You'd be at a house party. She'd be there. I'd be like, Oh, I think it's going to happen. And then she'd be like,

Hi. You have no fucking idea. I remember we were sitting in the basement and I remember this very specifically. They're like, Soder can't be around when it's quiet. And then they were quiet and I'd be like, so what are you guys doing? And they're like laughing.

And I was like, I love you so much. But I just remember because you're like facing that thing of you're about to jump into being an adult. It's crazy because you want it to happen so fast. I know you become an adult and you're like, fuck, I wish I would have taken an extra lap. Also agreed. And also just the way we grew up, you know, separate, but similar in some ways,

which is like you are exposed to bigger ideas and new experiences that you wouldn't if you were in probably like the typical nuclear family where things were just sort of a little more steady, easy going. Yeah. And so you do grow up, I guess the term is, you know, you grew up a little faster cause you're exposed to life events. You're seeing your mom go through things that people aren't seeing their mom go through.

Oh, and I'd go hang out with my dad and I'd hear the way they talked. My dad was just like, no kid should have been around him. Yeah. And then I would like go, but I always remember I'm in bars with my dad and his like boots. They're like, we're going to be right back. Well, they go do the boots scoot and buggy. I mean, my sister just like, oh, I'd go with my dad. I mean, my dad was a station Orlando, Florida alone at the blackjack table. That's so fucking funny.

My dad was a bartender, so I was just at the bar or he worked at a liquor store. So I'd be at the liquor store. So I was around the adults. So I picked up how they talked.. So I was around the adults. So I picked up how they talked. But that was also very funny. So I liked watching my dad be funny. So I'd be like, because you make me laugh

and I wouldn't even know the jokes. I know. I would just be like, oh, that's, I know that's funny. Yes. I know it as like, I can feel the timing of it. So then I would come back and like be comfortable making my friend's parents laugh. Yes. And you're like, this little kid is like. making my friends parents laugh. Yes.

And you're like, this little kid is like relating to me more. Yeah. I remember feeling that was my best friend, Amanda's dad. He was like, just so tickled with me, like, cause we connected. Well, you're also like show an adult, your sense of humor. And they go like, Oh, you're funny.

I've seen that with my friends, kids where I've been like, Oh, your kid's funny. Like your kid understands jokes. Cause I'm like, and you're like, Oh, your kid's funny. Like your kid understands jokes. Cause I'm like, yeah, you know? And I think like when, when that happens, when you like learn how to socialize with adults, when you're a kid, you want the kid thing to be over faster. That's what fucks you up. The feeling is really cool.

It would feel a little cringe watching myself. Like we obviously couldn't afford a camcorder, so I'm not like watching home videos. But I think it would be cringe to see myself, but at the time I was killing. And it gave me the confidence I needed to probably go on to be a comic. And I was so outgoing. That's what I'm saying, being more shy as an adult,

it's strange for me. Because I was so outgoing. When you had to give your little name, acronym thing, it would be like bombastic, exciting, tenacious. How are you working? Let me get a voice off in school. Let me get one of my voices off and not get in trouble.

I lived in the hallway. I lived, go sit out in the hallway. I fucking, if I knew something killed, if I got sent to the hallway, I'd be like, that's a closer baby. They can't fucking follow this. Follow this with social studies, you dorky bitch, you suco. You can't even follow how funny I am. But we were doing a lot of references, I think.

Like, I think now there is such a difference because what we've done is become comics with original material. Sure. That's actually how a way I've gotten through to my dad because he does a lot of still trying to like repeat stuff or movie quotes. Yeah and I'm sort of like so I actually got through to him recently and it has he's forever changed. Really? Yeah I said because he'll talk to me and have respect for my job and I'll be like but you know what I do is like it's from my head. I make it up. I

make it up and he's like, oh yeah. I never thought about it like that because we did get those laughs and I'm not shading it But it's like are you the funniest in your group because you're being like you're my boy blue Or you know like but I also think sometimes people criticize like they'll be like little kids aren't funny anymore But then I saw like little kids a big trend with younger kids was doing that sex but then I saw like little kids, a big trend with younger kids was doing that sex. Oh yeah. Oh I know. And I immediately was like, I would have done that.

I would have been all over that in seventh grade. I would have been in math class being like, oh. I probably would have. Who did that? And I would have been like, fucking killing. Yes of course. I used to make myself pass out to make kids laugh.

Oh that thing? Yeah. That joke. Yeah. Dude I remember I woke up. I did this all the time. Oh, the DX socket. I remember making myself pass out and getting up and being like, I remember in chemistry class, they had different colors, things of, uh, in the test tubes. Dude just did shots just down the line. Also great preview for a up and coming alcoholic.

Because I remember being like, they were like, you don't even know what's in there. And I was like, brother, you don't know my family. We can walk through liquid. But it is, and like, so what's interesting is like, you were talking about how you were like wanting boobs so bad. Do you think you were more jealous of girls that got boobs in middle school

or people getting deals in comedy? What jealousy was? What do you feel like? Like the same way when you came to school after summer and you noticed Tiffany came with boobs or when you went on your phone and saw a deadline article where you go like, I got a pilot every day. It's like, Oh, that's all, that's all being comedy. Being a comic in the age of social media is just waiting for boobs and watching

everyone get giant tits. and watching everyone get giant tits. I wanted tits. They got these fucking things. I've been waiting for tits for so long. I want them tits. I'm the one who's gonna use them. They don't even know what to do with those tits. Oh, by the way, those tits are gonna be gone

right out of there. But they, yeah, I mean, like the jealousy. I think it was boobs. I mean, it's gotta be. Because as comics, all we can do is like, you know, I think we have pretty good attitudes. It's one of those things where I'm like, obviously I would like certain things.

I think that's every business. Every business, like people want a promotion. They want like, that's all I want. But it is frustrating to see, of course, sometimes your goal is to be like, eh, there's room for everybody. But yeah, sometimes when you see a deadline article for somebody or they win an award and you're like, what? What the fuck? What? That's what that's what I

imagined. And I'm not on it. But that's what I imagine what LinkedIn's like. Like LinkedIn, you're like, he's a fucking CFO. That fucking guy sucked when he was group project manager. I know I was just gonna say all they did was stay after class and kiss the professors. That's all like LinkedIn would drive me nuts if I wasn't in comedy. That's like that's their inst- like if you work an office job or in a corporation and you're on LinkedIn, you're like this fucking guy got a promotion. This fucking guy.

CFO of what? But just know your tits are coming. Your titties are coming. Your boobs are about to pop out. Keep eating cornbread baby. I also think that's gotta be a weird thing for a little girl to be like, I want boobs. And then what if you get like giant tits

and you're like, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop, oh my God. Like just keep growing. I mean, I really did. I joke about it, but I say I grew my boobs in college with ice cream. And I mean, like I did technically. It is weight, it is fat, like you know.

But it took a while because the gymnastics really tamped him down. I mean they just pushed you down. They're like no ladies. These packs were just keeping him back. You were just jacked. You're like I don't know but I feel safe with Beth. I feel very safe.

She's got a giant scar on her leg. I just feel like Spanish. And he's sniffing a fire and I'm carrying my mom out over my shoulder. You go, uh, do you need me to get up on that third level with those stairs? Yeah. The core strength on stelling is fucking unbelievable.

Now, when you got into field hockey, did you feel like that scratched the itch that gymnastics left? It was actually, so the interim sport, or some people argue with that, was cheerleadingleading because I was still able to tumble. So this is the funniest part. And you were in a pom-pom. No, I was the only one who could tumble. So literally at seventh grade basketball games, because I stopped in sixth grade when I was like, I can't hack it like that.

I would go out and do like six back handsprings. Sick. And then the girls on my team afterwards who couldn't tumble would be like, yeah, after me. That's sick. I'd go boom, boom, boom, boom, boom into the center. And they'd be like, yes. You're MVP.

Yeah, you're MVP. I felt very cool. Because they really did. They were like. Still no tits. So I didn't have as much bargaining power as I wanted. But they don't give you your ass in the back. But I was out there.

Yeah. I was doing back handsprings. Yeah. Your cheerleading squad. That was my transition into filling that sort of like, oh, I, this translates to something else. I belong, I have currency. Yes. Yeah. But then it became like, I wanted to play field hockey and I couldn't cheer for the sports that conflicted with the fall team. And then I wanted to do speech and debate, the speech humorous

category. So then I couldn't cheer for basketball. So cheerleading was kind of short lived. And then I. And all those other girls were like, fuck we gotta learn how to tumble. Yeah. Oh fuck. No they're like, thankfully she's gone. We don't have to do that anymore.

Cause they'd be like, best do you think? And then you're like. And they're like, great, go. That's so funny. You did all the work for the group project. You did all the work for the group project. I was kind of like that. So when you get all the work for the group project. You did all the work for the group project. So when you get to field hockey and you play it, it does it feel like,

Oh, I finally found my place. Yes. I love field hockey. I started in third grade. Oh damn. On the floor. Like we played on the gym floor first, like sort of. So you're doing gymnastics and field hockey. Yes. And that was like, uh, I think that was winter when we started in third grade. And that was actually the thing that I followed my sisters in because they kind of would do a lot of the same things, but that was the one thing we all did. Was field hockey. So the Stellings were a field hockey team. We were.

And it all actually kind of started because Megan didn't make the soccer team, which was kind of the popular thing at the time. Like to make the soccer team in the nineties, it was like the big deal. Dude, soccer in the nineties. Yes. And it's popular now.

And I understand it's popular now, but fucking soccer in the 90s um, bro Yeah, and Adidas um bro shorts exactly and fucking Adidas were like Top tier like soccer for me like middle school in the beginning of high school soccer was like the biggest Yeah, if you played football, it was like yeah football took over but Soccer was so fucking big. I bet middle school's always big for soccer. I bet three years it's never dropped.

And if you think about it too, it's nice because it just requires the ball. Like anybody can kind of show up and kick it around. By shin guards, cleats, and you go to soccer ball and you can play it. But so she so Megan didn't make it. And she was like, OK, then I'll try out for the field team. And she ended up being really great. She ended up she was good at it, but also ended up being the team captain. She did. What was it called futures? I think that she thought about playing in college

but but didn't hurt both my sisters went to Ohio University and okay, again, I was go Bobcats. I was the outlier. But where'd you go? I went to Miami of Ohio Miami Red Hawk. Mm-hmm So you bought those arrivals? I'm actually gonna commentate on the final game of the season when I go home to play the Victoria Theatre November You're gonna be in the booth. I'm excited ask Katie for some tips. I should Apple plus for baseball. Yeah, I'm gonna need some. Yeah Yeah, I played and then I thought about playing in college

I ended up just playing club. Cause I was again, a theater major. And so it was like in college. Did you know that? I didn't know you were a theater major. Last minute, yeah. I was like, you're gonna do theater. Theater kids and band kids.

It's like Sodom and Gomorrah. They were just fucking. Dude, band kids and theater kids. Oh my God. Mine was speech and debate. I played football and I got no pussy. I mean, I sucked at football. Yeah, because you had to find a location to take them. With the speech and debate kids,

they put us in a hotel. We would travel for the weekend and be in a block of hotel rooms. You think we're not sneaking to each other's rooms. And they know how to talk you into stuff. Yes, are you kidding me? Speech and debate, they're like, a hand job would actually benefit everybody.

They go, I would probably do much better if you jerk me off. the whole point. Speech and debate, they're like a hand job would actually benefit everybody. I would probably do much better if you jerk me off and you go like, I think he's the greatest speech. He's the greatest debate person we've ever had. The greatest worder I've ever been. He goes, we all jerk them off. You're the greatest dead oral. Yeah. Perverts. If you're a pervert kid, you'd get into band, drama or speech and debate. Yeah. And like I said, you're going to stay in hotel rooms with other high school kids on the weekends. The band hallway felt like the fucking red light district in my high school. You would go through and you're like, are all these kids,

like all these nerds are just fucking? Brrrr. Yeah. Brrrr. Brrrr. Brrrr. And we're like, fucking band kids. That's the greatest undercover shit in the world, that they were like, oh no, don't hurt us,, fucking band kids. That's the greatest undercover shit in the world

that they were like, oh no, don't hurt us, we're band kids. They're like having threesomes and shit like, oh fuck, I can't wait to go to nationals. It was like the AVNs, but with fucking tubas. I mean the uniforms are. So, dude, you look like a gay general and then you're just fucking everything that isn't nailed down. For all the kids watching this, get into bands.

Get out there, fuck a tuba. Fuck get a tuba. Figure a flute. Get good at a wood instrument. Figure out how to wet a wood. You want to get your wood wet? Get into wood instruments. How about we think about that? I can get it. You figure out how to wet a wood. You want to get your wood wet? What is it? A reed. Yeah, you want to get your wood wet?

Get into wood instruments. What are you talking about? Yeah, it's all just like, just girls being like, whistling. And then like, there you go. Yeah. Literally, you can figure a girl from high school just did,

Dude, my, the girl that crushed my heart in eighth grade, that cheated on me in eighth grade that cheated on me in eighth grade Cheated on me got fingers I didn't even get the finger Two other guys that were better at football not at the same time like one was early summer one was late summer Found out crushed me. Yeah, crushed me. I got cheated on by my older boyfriend Robert and we found out again. I blamed it on my no tits, but I covered his Jeep Cherokee in maxi pads.

Solid. I was earholed by it, destroyed. And I feel sad. That's where the card came from. I try to be less depressed. She's gonna regret this. The card your mom found. This is, I think I might've told this story once before,

maybe on the bonfire, but this is truly a story of friendship. And this is a positive story for my friend who, he's famous now. He's very famous he my best friend when this happened was Mike McDaniel who is the currently the head coach of the Miami Dolphins so fins up let's go Dolphins football so this is yeah he sent me this football he sent me like a box of stuff when he became the

coach when you're friends with like a head coach they just get a bunch of t-shirts and stuff. Katie hates it, she's a Patriots fan. Laces out. Laces out, Dan. But they um I got cheated on and it fucking destroyed me. I was- Was she your first kiss? Yes, first kiss, first real girlfriend, first boob I touched, I touched her pubic hair. And Batman and Robin, I touched her pubic hair. It was nuts. And then meanwhile I found out she's getting worn out by these other dudes fingers. And I'm fucking getting crushed. So she was like very religious family.

So she wasn't supposed to have a boyfriend. That was like the thing. Or get fingered. No. So check this out. So what a ride or die move for McDaniel. This is why, even if they're having injury troubles, I believe in him as a fucking head coach. I believe he's a motivator of men. I'm ready to as well. Because I got cheated on and he saw how fucking crushed

I was. So he called her house and there was no cell phones, all landlines. And he left a message on her parents answering machine where he went, hi, your daughter has a boyfriend. That's right. I remember this almost verbatim. He goes, yeah, that's right. Your daughter has a boyfriend who she cheated on and got by two and like lays it out to the point where I'm like at first I'm like no no no no and then I'm like thank you and he like leaves this message drops the phone right we go ride bikes as eighth graders do as eighth grade boys about to go into high school do let's go ride your bikes. We're riding bikes.

Let's feel the summer heat. Dude, we get home and my mom is like, what did you do? And I was like, what? They traced the call. Cause he made the call at my house. And my mom was like, I'm not going to say the girl's name, but Mr. called you are never allowed to talk to her again. He has blocked our number. You're never allowed to call her again. They needed an apology, like all this shit.

And I took it. I didn't make my friend apologize. Mike was, you know, he taught me a little thing about team, being a team player that day. Shout out Mike McDaniel. And I went- Sounds like McDaniel's going to do a little bit of team being a team player that day. Shout out Mike McDaniel. And I was like, McDaniel is going to do a little bit of covering up for the Miami. Well, I'm just saying he's going to go to war for you. Just make sure you check a phone record.

But that was like if you're in the McDaniels family, press star state. Just let him start. Six, seven. Yeah, but it was like one of those moments where it was a friend, truly standing up for me at a moment where I was fucking destroyed. And I remember just being like,

wherever the rest of our lives goes, dude, like, fuck yeah. Amy Schaefer, she's the one who, she unwrapped all the pads that we stuck to Robert Steeve. Do you still talk to her? I just visited her when I was in Amsterdam. And that's what's up. Yeah. She's living in Amsterdam, living a crazy life.

She is. You start putting maxi pads on people's cars. You're either doing standup or you're living in Holland. Exactly. You're living in Fajard. You gotta get out of here. She's back, she was working for the embassy in other, she's in Montana, but her life is rad.

But that's exactly like, dude, I watched him, you know, coach the team on, like I watch him every Sunday. And you're like, oh yeah. But it is like, you need a friend like that. She's ride or die. You need a ride or die friend. When you have a ride or die friend, you're like. Let's get him.

I fucking, thanks dude. And I would do that for her too. Yeah, I would have done the same thing. I remember doing something similar for him when we found out he got fucked with. Yeah. I was like, dude, I'll sneak out. Same. We'll go fucking egg. Let's go egg a house. I got a fucking arm on me. I got the TP, eggs. What else do we throw up?

Oh my God, dude. One time Katie got TP'd. I don't know if she's ever told the stories. I don't know if I did, but her parents made her clean it up because they thought it was her friends that was doing it. She's like, I'm getting bullied. Yeah, this is not a gift. And they're like, you that was doing it. She's like, I'm getting bullied. Yeah, this is not a gift. And they're like, you clean it up. I'm getting bullied. Can you help me clean it up? This is horrible.

We had to live with our grandparents for a little bit. When we were little, that reminds me and my grandpa, you know, World War II vet, he stationed the Aleutian islands. He didn't see war. He didn't see that much heat. We love him. And he fought for the country. But he was so regimented. And we apparently used more than two squares of toilet paper.

You better believe. He went in there. I don't know what happened. Maybe we clogged the toilet. I have no clue. I just remember as a child reaching into the toilet and picking out toilet paper. Yes! Yes! Thankfully, I was just pissed. But wow.

My God, dude. If a loose heard was regiment, that's wild. Getting TP didn't happen to clean it up. You use too much. You're gonna clog my pipes, pull it out with your little hands. He would threaten to take my wooby, my blankie and wash his car with it. He was so strict. Why? And we couldn't touch the walls.

It was pretty. That is wild. It was pretty wild. That is wild having a strict grandpa like that where you're like, we're kids, dude. Yeah, I know. It's weird. I think it's just in you.

I have a little, I have touches of some OCD. Yeah? Yeah. Like what most like in hotels? Yeah. I feel like when COVID hit, to be honest with you, I was like, Oh, this is how I've been living. That's funny. Welcome to my world. Exactly. The rest of the rest of the world. Start washing your hands. Like I do this. I've been here. It's nothing crazy, but I just, it depends on my mood.

It depends on my life. Like how in control, how happy I'm feeling. Like if it ticks up a little, I'm'm gonna be using a Lysol white more than often, you know, like in the hotel room. I'm trying to think Yeah at this last night. I wiped everything down with a lot Lysol white all the surfaces Airbnbs sometimes I'll give it a wipe just before this podcast Katie told me something fascinating Do you know the subreddit for OCD? You're not allowed to reassure someone Reassuring is banned on the OCD subreddit. I'm curious about that because it perpetuates the OCD

Oh, no, that's okay. I do that too. And then someone goes like all just keep going with it Okay, cuz you need to break it. You need to break the cycle of it. It's interesting. Like I just, like I'm saying, when I, I know when it's ticking up, everybody experiences these things, I'm sure. Like your anxiety or whatever's going on in your life. Even sometimes my body will like pass bad relationships.

I know it sounds weird, but like there is so many things connected. My face would break out more. Everything's connected. Yeah. So I think sometimes if I'm feeling like, oh,, I didn't get this job or I'm out of control here I'm not doing you know, I just Just catch you pulling fucking toilet paper out of the bathroom toilet He's like what the fuck are you doing? You know, it's too much. I used to much

Then you just rubbing it on the walls. You're like, oh gosh, you spiraling. I need tits. I need tits. What the fuck is wrong with you? He's like, look out, they're on your chest. Oh my God, you guys sucked them earlier and not like a little boy.

Suck some like a man, suck some. Suck your tits like a man. You are one of my favorite people in the world. Thank you for doing the podcast. You're one of my favorites. Thanks for making me laugh last night. I love your standup. I mean, I love watching you in Madison too. Yeah, that was the state. We were at the new UCB last night. Yeah, very nice. It was very nice. And the crowd was lovely.

The crowd was like one of those things where they were tiny, but you go out there and you're like, oh, I can really fuck around with these jokes. Yeah. I can like try different. I tried a couple new lines. Yeah.

I tried, and you know. Talking about your sisters was very, very funny. I sat up in the back on that one. Oh, thank you. It was very funny. And it, your special on Netflix was incredible. Thank you. I hope.

Your last one was killer too. I hope your sister's friend that walked you to class. Marty. I hope Marty. He's probably a fan of yours. Who isn't a fan of Dan? Marty, if you're watching this, that walk that you took Beth to class meant a lot.

It did, thank you. Marty Coates, thanks for making Beth feel like a lady when she was a little girl. Even when I had no ditty. Yeah, dude, I bet Marty Coates, thanks for making Beth feel like a lady when she was a little girl. Even when I had no ditty. Yeah, dude, I bet Marty Coats would be like, what the fuck are you talking about? You don't realize that? And then Jackie would be like, he still doesn't shut up. Even on his podcast, he won't let his guests talk.

And you're like, shut up, Jackie. A moment of silence for Jackie to prove that we can. Also, you want to know something crazy? And you're like, shut up, Jackie. You shut up. A moment of silence for Jackie to prove that we can. Also, you already know something crazy. Yeah. She went to U of A and I went to U of A and she was in a sorority and she took me to a date dash and she got so drunk, she made out with me. I didn't think that's where it was gonna go.

It was the greatest, don't tell Katie. Okay. It was so cool. Like, I love Katie, she's the love of my life. We're gonna get married. But dude. That was. I called food Jack and I was like,

I got to make out with Jackie. And he was like, what? And then she never talked to me again because I think she sobered up and was crazy embarrassed. I think she was like crazy embarrassed. I was like crazy. I do have a couple of those of my past. Like it was a younger brother's or a friend's younger brother who was he is hot. And then in college later we went out drinking and he got like a little too close.

Like maybe this could be something. And I was like, it's not something I promise. It's not something. I left my backpack in her car and it took me weeks to get it back and this is in college Maybe I don't need it. I was like, I'm not doing the reading. I go, you know what cost the business, baby Drunkly make out with a girl you had a crush on in high school with you lose a chance for Thanks for watching!