Soder - Cigarette Relapse with Andrew Santino | Soder Podcast | EP 12

Episode Date: January 31, 2024

This episode Dan is joined by comedian Andrew Santino. Santino confesses that he had a Cigarette Relapse. Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Sat, FEB 3, 2024 - Stamford,CT Sun, FEB 4, 2024 - Manchester,CT Boston | Feb 17 2024 FEB 22 & 23rd, 2024 - Cleveland,OH Thu, FEB 29, 2024 - San Antonio,TX MAR 1 & 2nd, 2024 - Comedy Mothership - Austin,TX Follow Santino https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/?hl=en Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

They kept saying Los Angeles. They're saying Los Angeles is carrying out their annual homeless count as 75,000 were sleeping on the streets in county on one given night last night. They said in Los Angeles County. Who? Who? Who? Who?

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Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? They found tunnels in Modesto. No, that's here in Brooklyn. That's here in Brooklyn. Do you think they tunneled all the way to Modesto? They're like, what do you think?

Do you think we got to the top of them working hard? We know how to dig. Dude, these Jews went from Modesto. If you're going to build a tunnel, you build a tunnel. You don't just stop. What am I stopping? We were trying to go to China, but we stopped in Modesto. Hello?

Dude, it's so funny that a Jew popped up like Bugs Bunny. And he's like, should have taken a left in Albuquerque. And then we. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40.

41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48.

49. 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. And then a hand, and then a hand grabbed it down. But they said that these people were living in furnished caves on the bank of a river 20 feet below street level. Leave those people alone.

That's exactly my point. Leave those people alone. They created a life. Leave them alone. So, you know, like the mole people in New York. Yeah. See, this is, what's funny is I've read these articles and seen that doc on YouTube about those guys.

And then they started, what's the best word? Excavating them. They removed them and you're like leave those people leave them they're not doing anything if they're living under the ground let them come outside and occasionally get a little peek it's i do think when is the internet going to infiltrate that and they'll start being like influencers where they're like tiktok it's like the day in the life of a mole person where they do that corny get ready with me to be a mole person yeah and they do this over the camera or they push on it and it goes back and be like i put my suit on and

now i can crawl around dude it's so funny to think that the mole the mole people became a reality to the generation that grew up with the movie hackers yeah because i was like that's who lives down there yeah these fucking sexy angelina joe on rollerblades no that's not who's down there yeah mine mine was always and i bring this up all the time but i always thought it was like the foot clan where i was like oh runaway teens who know a basic level of karate yeah no but those kids are all in the midwest the runaway teens that know a little bit of karate are in ohio in the outer banks of ohio that's where everyone i think that runs away as a teenager must live in the midwest because they always go missing in Indiana, in Minneapolis.

06. Like they're always in the Midwest. 07. There's a beacon for runaway teens that draws them to that state. I'm thinking right now how hard of a time Shredder would have getting the Foot Clan with fentanyl out there. 08. Oh yeah, dude. Good luck. 09. He's like, damn it, I lost another one in his mask. 010. Rock steady, stop smoking crack. Bebop, stop giving them fentanyl. I'm losing all my soldiers.

By the way, of Bebop and Rocksteady, you know Rocksteady definitely had the plug. Oh yeah, for sure. He just had it. Was he the rhino with the helmet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, I got a guy. I got a guy in Brooklyn.

You know that guy's got a guy. Yeah, he's like, I got a guy that can get some cheap shit. Shredders, I remember pausing the movie to watch to see to look at his costume like or his outfit intricately

because it was fucking rad that helmet was so cool you're talking about the original yeah the OG TMNT yeah the original the best one it was so cool

where April kind of wanted to fuck Raphael she did 100% she did that was a weird thing that I picked up she could get it I picked it up as a kid and I was like lady you're trying to fuck Raphael. She did. 100% she did. That was a weird thing that I picked up. She could get it. I picked it up as a kid and I was like, lady, you're trying to fuck a big turtle? You freak.

Yeah, but you don't know what he's packing, dude. Dude, she's like, I've had some, April O'Neil had some horrible ex-boyfriends to get her to the point where she's like. To get a turtle fucking a turtle? I'm going to fuck a turtle. Some guy named Lance. And he goes, yeah, you remember April, that stupid bitch reporter I dated? Yeah, what happened to her?

She's dating a ninja turtle. Good luck. I heard those guys are pretty sick, though. I'm not going to lie. He's like Rachel, I mean, Raphael and April when their relationship's like kind of on the rocks. And he's like, hey, babe, did you see my sigh? And she goes, I washed it. He goes, fucking, will she still live in me?

You can't wash it. I said that. It's like a cast iron pan. It rusts you just have to baby oil and put it fucking back casey jones absolutely would have been a part of january 6th yeah without a doubt dude one of the leaders in fact like one of the first in for sure i got a i got a whole golf bag full of weapons yeah dude it was baseball bats golf clubs uh my favorite action figure of the series was yeah it was the. Yeah, it was the coolest. It was the most real of a guy in your family. That's like

an uncle I have. You know what I mean? 15. My uncle Casey hangs out with Ninja Turtles. 16. Yeah, and everyone goes, yeah, we're trying to help him out. 17. He got on some internet, some fringe shit. 18. He's falling off the wagon. Yeah, QAnon led him to hang out with turtles on the ground. 19. I'm telling you, and they're Democrats. 20. Yeah, they're all libs. They're all fucking hardcore libs down there're all fucking hardcore lives down there turtles are libtards casey jones what's up with your fucking bad attitude chill out casey the whole world like seth rogan i watched it one night

in a in the hotel he did a great job with the new ninja turtles yeah i heard it was i didn't watch it but i heard teenagers they kind of like you were waiting for them to do that with spider-man like actually make him a teenager. Yeah, make him kids. Because that's what they are. Because in the original, they were all grown men. They were like 45. Hey, Master Splinter!

The voices of contractors from like the fucking book. Hey, Master Splinter, why can't I eat no pizza up there? I got to figure out my 401k, then we'll take the enemy on. The next evolution in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is letting us write a very adult script with all the things we just... That's actually rad.

I would like... We're like... No longer Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Would be great to see like geriatric Mutant Ninja Turtles. Or just like mid-40s turtles. Yeah, bad. Someone has sciatica. Oh, Donatello's in love with an OnlyFans girl.

He's just... He's gotten suckered because he's a nerd. He gets catfished. He's like, I'm flying around here from Russia. 05.30, he's like, I moved to New York sewer system. They fight shredder. I know. 05.30, Michelangelo would be dead. Who would, because I think he would be the one to part because he's a party. 05.30, Donatello would be doing the best financially. He'd be successful.

He stashes money away. Yeah, 100%. Raphael's at Rikers for a violent crime. He's Rikers for sure, dude. And he tried to escape a few times. Yeah, but he's holding it down. Yeah. The ninja skills help.

Yeah. Michelangelo is dead because he is a party dude. He overdosed. He OD'd. Yeah, for sure. We opened the movie on his funeral and he OD'd. Oh my God. And then Leo's like, come on, Don.

Someone spiked his heroin. They hot packed him. We have to find out who did it. That opened the movie on his funeral. Oh my God. And then Leo's like, come on, Don. Someone spiked his heroin. They hot packed him. We have to find out who did it. That's the impression. That's the image of the film. Which is crazy because, you know, as a comic book fan, they did The Last Ronin with Ninja Turtles and it was like a darker look.

Yeah. If all of them were dead except Michelangelo and he carried around all their weapons. But I want a real, I don't want like a- Give me reality. If we're going like a- Yeah, give me reality. If we're gonna make up fantasy, give me reality. Exactly, give me a dose of like, Leo got married, and maybe he regrets it.

He's like fat now, he's not in shape. Yeah, and he had to take on like a couple of side gigs. Yeah, he's like, I used to be eating pizza and kicking ass. You know how expensive private school is? Do you know what it's like to work at Hertz in the corporation part? Yeah. It's not glorious. You're not even at a is? 14. You know what it's like to work at Hertz in the corporation part? 15. Yeah. You're not even a location. I'm at the building.

16. I got to go to a home office. They're going to move us to Toledo or wherever they're located. He comes back. Splinter's dead from cancer, from some weird like. 17. He did. Yeah. He died. Unfortunately, he did die. In fact. 18. Turns out fucking with that ooze. 19. Ooze. That ooze was it. Yeah. 20. Loaded with carcinogenics. Yeah. How could we have known?

Yeah. It was glowing all day. It was radioactive. It was right there, Splinter. Splinter, right in front of us. I could have never guessed. I didn't know. How could I have known?

The tumors were the size of softballs. But by the way, his last words, he smiles. And as he does, he has goo in his teeth. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha, ha. He has a really ominous laugh. I didn't like it. It was so creepy, dude.

It fucked me up when I was a kid. Yeah, because you see him scurrying around and you're like. He's supposed to be your, a father figure. Even to the viewer, he's supposed to be this like comforting father figure. But when he would laugh and stuff, it made me really uncomfortable. You know what it was like? Because we were both raised by single moms. It was the boyfriend that you liked up first

and then it wore off and you're like, I don't know if I like Keith. Do I like that guy? Yeah, you're like, he laughed weird. And it's that thing. It's one thing that you do. Where they laugh weird and you go, I don't like that. Yeah, like the guy that laughs after he says something.

That's a guy I knew in my family that he'd be like, well, that's how it is. Every time. And you go, what is that? Why are you laughing? I hate it, did it bother me so much. Why are you laughing? Why do you do that?

Why do you do that? I always ask like a curious African guy. Why do you laugh like that? Well, that's that clip. Why are you gay? Yeah, it's my favorite. Who says I'm gay? You are gay.

You are gay. Who says that? You are gay. That guy rules. He's so for sure about it. I remember when my favorite time that was used on the internet was they were talking about cross-platform Xbox players playing PlayStation. They go, all the PlayStation players to Xbox.

Why are you gay? And I was like, dude, what a nerd. What a nerdy way to use that clip. Dude, there was a- Why are you gay? By the way, I want this. Oh, that's a legit- That's legit, dude.

Fins up, dog. That's from McDaniel. I know. F I can tell who else would it be from? But he sent me and I was like, you just sent me a ball. He's put in the mail. Like he gave me a box with like a bunch of dolphin stuff. Cause when your friend coaches, it's like your oldest friend, right? He's like childhood friends. Yes. And so it's great. He will, I'm trying to get him on the podcast. I'm like, dude, come up. Cause I want to tell good on media days he's perfect that's him that's 100 no you can you honestly you can tell the vape joke

was my favorite when he hit i mean dude what's funny is i was at that game they pressed him about it too i was at the game yeah and he hit the vape on tv this is so rad and they were like you know i was like looking at twitter just It was like halftime or whatever. Whatever happened. Might have been between the third and fourth quarter. And I was like, sitting next to his wife. And I was like, ah, shit. And she goes, what?

I go, Mike got busted vaping. And she did like the, not even like, oh, he wasn't. She was like, God damn it. Michael. Michael. I told you. But also, why can't a coach vape on the sideline? They used to rip butts in the dugout in baseball.

I don't understand. Yeah. Well, football coaches used to smoke cigarettes on the sideline. Here's what I'm... They're not playing. Here's what I'm blown away with, with vaping. Yeah. And this shows my age.

And you're the same age. I'm blown away when people vape or do snooze or zins... Yeah. ...without ever smoking cigarettes or dipping tobacco. In their whole lives? In their whole lives. Yeah, this is... You start with a vape.

Yeah, totally. Katie and I have this conversation a lot. Yeah. How the fuck are you going You start with a vape? Katie and I have this conversation a lot. How the fuck are you going to start with a vape? Because we both miss smoking cigarettes so bad. I like it. Did you like vaping? No, no, no. Smoking.

Oh, how long did you smoke? Did you start at Arizona State? Yeah. I mean, I started late high school, but then I really got into it in college. I mean, Arizona State. Yeah, you had to. It came in the dorms.

They gave you cigarettes. Here's a pack of Marlboro Lights. When you move in. Also, here's a starter kit on how to do Coke. First of all, it wasn't Marlboro Lights. You know what it was. It was Parliaments. Parliaments, yeah.

I should have thought. ASU. ASU, yeah. With the Coke. Yeah, a little Coke bin, dude. Yeah, you never... That's how you found out which one of your friends did blow. When they bummed you a Parliament, you're like...

Why do you only smoke Parliaments? It's just convenient. Yeah, they go, I don't know. It cool look how look how the filter looks in the thing all right just put a bump in there if you're gonna give it to me then why is your jaw off the wire right i think i started and stopped a dozen times i actually talk about it now in my act i smoked again uh it's been like six months but but I was sneaking it again. Just life bullshit. Just getting me back into the darkness. This is almost like a sexual thing

because I want to know what it's like. I'd walk to the club and smoke. That was like my favorite thing. By myself, quietly. What was the first one like back? And how did you get there? I got there for some really bad family news. Okay, great.

Can I tell you what? Sure, I can see that coming. This is so fucking stupid and funny. I bought a friend of mine, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 62, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 62, 63, 65, 68, 71, 62, 63, 65, 67, 62, 68, 71, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, dude, this is like such sad stepdad shit. When I got this terrible news, I just got on the scooter and I told my lady, I was like, I'm just going to just cruise around for a little while just to clear my mind. Yeah, so I just put my headphones on. And also the noise an electric scooter makes when you first take off is such bitch shit.

I know, dude. He goes. Dude, it's awful. And then I went to my local convenience store. You want me to go pick up John Connor and run from the Terminator? Get on. 30,000. 31,000. 31,000. 32,000. 33,000. 33,000. 34,000. 34,000.

34,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000.

35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000.

35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. 35,000. bullshit and i thought maybe i wanted like a candy bar a piece of gum or something to drink naughty just something anything just something and then i was like fuck it i don't even know it literally hit me out of nowhere and then i got a pack and i went to a park what'd you get uh i bought american spirits listen natural tobacco i just don't smoke anymore giving money back to the natives that's right you know i love it hey how are you yeah and i so i just bought a pack of american spirit it was like the first thing i saw he who hears bad news thank you for buying american spirits he who smokes when sad he smokes when sad for the great red warrior has bought another fire stick i bought it went to the park and it was at night there was like a men's softball team playing watching gay men play a form of baseball playing a sad form of baseball i just sat and smoked on the back of this bench and watched them i wasn't it was kind of blacked

out because i was just bummed and i just sat and i smoked two or three but that first it was incredible was it gross or was it... No, it was great. You were just like... I loved it. That's what I keep thinking. Actually, the thing that turns me on the most was the click of the lighter as the flame

hits the first tip. I'm telling you right now, we make the noise, Katie and I always make the noise of lighting that cigarette the first moment and we go like that. You go, and you're like,

I'm back. Because when I'm back, I've been off for 10 years. Yeah, you're a good boy. If I come back. You haven't even hit it once? No. No slips.

Dude, if I come back, I'm back. Wow. If I come back, she's back. If she comes back, I'm back. Was she smoking again? She just, she just got off Nicorette a month ago. Yeah, it's hard.

Dude, it's crazy. She had to quit smoking twice. So I, yeah, I got, but also. So where did you put the pack? Did you hide it? I threw it away. I know that's very wasteful, but I threw it away. She had three cigarettes.

Yeah. You didn't leave it out for like a bum? No, because I felt so guilty about it. Cause I was, cause I told. Did it kill your hooker? You had to strangle her and put her in the river? Yeah, dude. You can't take that home. You fucking dirty bitch.

You're going to die. Die. And you crush the bag. No, you leave it out. So some guy goes like pushing a shopping cart and he goes, there's no way. There's no way. Oh, a full pack of cigarettes. Where?

All the guys in the tunnel are going to go nuts. Yeah, dude. Wait till I tell the turtles. Oh, Leonardo's gonna shit. Little tiny pellets, because that's what turtles shit. I thought about it, dude. I thought about keeping it in the same room. So, you throw it away.

Yeah, I threw it away. But you're not done. You just said. No, I wasn't done. Yeah, no. You're never done. I went back to the well a few times. I'm good now.

I'm actually much better. I'm good now. Good. Did the family stuff shake out? Yeah, I mean, it's all, you know, it's like everything. It's still sad. It sucks. well a few times i'm good now i'm actually in much better i'm good now good did the family stuff shake it's all you know it's like everything it sucks but i mean like uh i've since uh dipped my toe in a few more times i had a little bit of a run but i put it put it away again because

i'm gonna tell you right now where i fantasize it's like the third time you're fucking around where you're on the road and you're like i'm gonna go get some smokes yeah and then you just have a smoke in the back of a venue god smoking on the road just smoking at work anyone will agree yes any job you have smoking cigarettes gives you cigarettes do two things for you that are better that should be on the pack as benefit to counterbalance the mouth cancer you're gonna get you can get out of any bad conversation. Yep, I gotta go smoke. And it gives you something to do at work

that isn't work. Yeah, it gives you a break. Yeah, it's a legit break. Yeah. Smoke breaks when I was a waiter. We're the best. Rad. Hey, watch my section.

And then you go outside and just have that like... Takes you away. You really get to a little... It's truly like an escape route for a little bit, like a little... But then when you keep going and you wake up wheezing and you wake up and yeah dude obviously you know the detriment and also if your significant other doesn't like it then it's a whole conversation how did you so this is great i told her i told her pretty

quickly that i was just walked in you're like baby i smoked no it was it was later in the night would kill me if i smoked and I didn't do it with her. Right. I would be in trouble. If I brought home a pack of Camelites and I went like, this is going to happen. She's so ride or die that I know Katie would be like, I'm going down with you. Yeah. Let's go downstairs.

My wife never smoked. So for her, it was like, she was just, she, and she's never been like. Non-smokers don't get it. No, but she's never been judgmental. She's always like, I know you don't want to do it. So push. She would push me to not do it. You know, it's almost like the support system is great, but you're also like she's not. It's never like a fight. It's you want to explain to her. You go, it's so fucking good. It is. I mean, she I think she knows you got to know it's like heroin. You're like, how good is it? It's like, dude, it's the best. I've never done it. And I know it's the best. You know. It's like heroin. You're like, how good is it? It's like, dude, it's the best.

I've never done it. And I know it's the best. You know, it's the best. Even if you've never done it, you just know. You know, it's so good. It'll ruin your life. Yeah. That's why.

Yeah. It's got to be good if it can kill you. If it's that good. That's why vaping never seems like it was so good. It could kill you. But that's going to kill somebody. People's arms are just going to fall off. We're going to have the detriment from that in 20 years. I tell O'Connor all the time.

He rips at that thing all day, every in uh saint germain's like that i have a bunch of friends that rip vates and you're like you know what it reminds me of is when i used to do weed when i would vape weed when it first came out like when it first came out i was like oh what is right this smoke but then i noticed i was getting stoned in a worse way i was getting stoned in a way where i I told Big J it was like hitting a flask all day. And then you're just like blackout. Yeah, I didn't like that. Smoking weed, it smells. You have to burn it somewhere.

So like when I'd go outside, you just take in a little, then you go back inside. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that's what vaping tobacco. You're just like vaping nicotine. You're just like constantly on it. With cigarettes you have to go outside. 05.20 Yeah. It's an inconvenience, which is also the best part about it. 05.21

It's the difference in finding your Christmas presents versus unwrapping them. Whenever people were like, did you find your Christmas presents? Like, I don't want to blow that. 05.24 I didn't look for them. No way. 05.24 The fun parts unwrapping and being like, whack, whack, whack. Or being like, oh, okay, thank you. That's my going out, packing it, unwrapping it, pulling that third one from the left.

It's a great cultural thing. Yeah, third one from the left. And then you flip it. You flip one. You got to flip one. You flip it and then you pull the other one. Yeah. Dude, the second.

You're making me want to smoke now. I know. I'm making me want to smoke. I'm goosing us up. I want to leave and go smoke. I'm like the dog at the pound that's making us howl right oh cut to us literally just smoking halfway through this podcast she's just sitting there myrtle's just scratching at the door like go away now she's smoking myrtle's

gotta smoke give her a square dude um. Give her a fucking burner, dude. Are you still smoking weed? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, dude, peep the corner. I'm off of everything. Oh, you're off everything? Well, we'll see. For what? For how long?

I don't know. You're just doing it? I put away the sauce for a little while. Because as someone that quit drinking, the people that do dry January, I go like- Oh, no, it's not dry January. My mom did it, which is good. I just put away the sauce. Did you just- I don't know, was there a thing that happened?

No. Was there a dead kid? Well, I mean, dude. Dead kid or a- I'm talking about- An accident you woke up in? Yeah, I'm talking about a little bit on my act, but I, no, I went to the fucking doctor, dude, and took all my blood and did like a physical, and he was like, your cholesterol

is like alarming. Really? I'm on fucking medication now. Yeah, dude, we're at that age. I'm on statins, and he's like- You were 40, bud. He's like, dude, you gotta, he's like, you gotta chill out with whatever, you know? 30s. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st.

31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st.

31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st. 31st.

31st. 31st. 31 episode is this? God only knows. This is a generic promo. I'm on the road. February 3rd, New York Comedy Club in Stanford. February 4th, The Funny Bone in Hartford. February 17th, I am at The Wilbur in Boston. There are two shows. First show sold out.

Second show, tickets are available. DanSoder.com. And then Cleveland, Hilarities. February 22nd through the 24th. All at DanSoder.com and then cleveland hilarities february 22nd through the 24th all at dancer.com let's get back to that episode what a what a barn burner i am such a sucker for voices yeah if you can do i think that's the i think it's such a rare art that and it's not even what i do but like i see guys but we're both guys that can do it i do like to do it i like caricatures i like but i see guys that are really talented like that and it's something like you

know who's really good is um uh jay pharaoh i was just gonna say jay pharaoh dude he's a magician he's unbelievable i watch him work he's pretty good there's a clip i watch of his there's like youtube clips that i go back to and i want to laugh and it's from a couple years ago he's doing kevin hart's new year's resolutions on a morning radio show and there's little things that he does that makes me laugh so hard he goes yeah that's kevin does that all the time he goes all right i'm going to the moon yeah he goes i'm going to the moon i'm going to extend my legs but it's jay farrell's nailing one of my favorite things he used to do on snl was Stephen A. Smith, when he would be like, I'm friends with Dwayne Wade.

The man feeds me seedless fruits. It's like stuff like that. And I was like, dude, this is so goddamn good. And when you're around people like that, like we know, like people will be like, ah, do Macho Man or like do like that. But I get why they do that. Of course, because it's rad to hear. Because when I'm around Jay Farrell, you're like, what would Stephen A. Smith have to say about that?

Yeah, yeah. Would he be bummed about this with the way that you are? Yeah, like if I'm going to be around you, I'm like, hey, do Mark. Because I like, my favorite thing about voices is putting them in situations that would never happen. They don't belong. That's why I always loved doing woke Rodney. That was always funny because you're like,

the thought of Rodney being woke now and just being like super left and being like, I'm telling you, you know, it doesn't get any respect. Woman of color. Jay and I used to love to do right wing Bruce Springsteen. Right wing Bruce Springsteen. That's so good. And the margarines took my daddy's job and stuff like that.

And when I'm around voice people people it's like i want to tell them where to put the voice right build the wall yeah he's like the factory got closed because of dirty mexicans jesus bruce bruce what the fuck are you doing but that's always been funny to me yeah put them in the wrong places always that, that's like what SNL's original... Yeah, they would make people say wild shit. Wild shit, yeah. And now they do it where they just say kind of crazy stuff. Yeah, I just think now it's more of like they want characters

based in either political satire or real common social things. They should have hired both of us season 40. Come on, man. What the fuck were they thinking? And they went with Pete Davidson. Oh, Pete Davidson. He's a season 40. Come on, man. What the fuck were they thinking? And they went with Pete Davidson. Oh, Pete Davidson. He's a global superstar.

I know, dude. I would have been drinking again and dead. I'd be dead by now. Yeah, I'd be dead. Yeah, no, I'd be dead. Well, you see what it does. That thing breaks everybody. Me and you would be doing like small restaurants where it's like, previously from SNL. And you're like, this guy didn't even make a full season.

No, yeah. I'd come in the green room. I'd go, Jay, Jay Pharoah, do Kevin Hart as president of Ghana. And I'm like, look, I'm sorry. even make a full season oh yeah i come in the green room i go jay jay farrow do kevin hart as president of ghana and i'm like look i'm sorry dan's just going through a tough time let him smoke a cigarette dude um this story i just read it this morning because it's you know nfl playoffs so i'm very excited go niners, I think the Niners are going to win. I hope. We're just going to come out later. So let's hope they're Super Bowl champions. Taylor Swift is like obviously all over the place because of the NFL.

She's everywhere. But she is a stalker. I read this this morning. She's a stalker that got out of jail. An hour later got arrested going through a trash outside of her apartment. What commitment? That's immediately what I thought. That is commitment, dude. You're almost stalking is dangerous disgusting it's

horrible it's a mental illness but when you see tenacity like yeah that's really there has to be a part of taylor swift where she goes like he is obsessed with slow clapping as he walks away you're digging through the trash an hour out like the cops are like no don't you go by her house and he goes where is it is it on 28th and then he's just outside in the trash and then do you think they caught him like martin and he goes he's just holding her panties that way both of his hands are filled with underwear. 05.00 Dr. He goes, I did it again. 05.00 Dr. Who, me? 05.00

Dr. Oopsie. I can't not be in her stuff. 05.00 Dr. It is creepy to think that people get so into somebody. 05.00 Dr. Do you go through their trash? 05.00 Dr. They need to be near them. It's really, I don't know what that is. I don't know what kind of mental.

05.00 Dr. Mental illness? 05.00 Dr. Yeah, but what level is it? What do you categorize that as? 05.00 Dr. I think there's like. 05.'s like- It's not sociopathy. It's not psycho. I think it's like a displacement. I think it's like a genuine, like they have a completely different understanding of what the situation is.

Right. Did you ever have weird OCD stuff when you were a kid? I mean, yeah. That's so funny you say that. I did have some like small stuff, but I think about it when I go home. You know what I used to do when I got out of the shower? So, you know, you have the shower is the old knob that pushes in and then obviously the the the little metal switch you have to go from bath to shower yeah it once I turn that off once I pushed

in the shower to turn it off I would have to push it down without it letting going down on its own this is so fucking weird I've never talked about this I love it because I know exactly the kind of weird I used to have to push it down before it would get down on its own. Or the world would end. Yeah, the world would end. And I would spin it three times. That's the weirdest part. That's so weird, dude.

Yes. But I don't really have anything else like that anymore. Well, because I think a lot of us grow out of it. Mine was, I could never... I had to leave from the same entrance I came in. Oh, wow. Always? Very tricky. Of places I went a lot. And by by the way i wish this ended when i was a kid you still do it now i did it up into my late 20s yuck

in queens the bodega had two doors you had to go out the i had to leave the same but was that an entrance and an exit only so you were that guy yeah oh what a fucking annoying guy i'd be like oh sorry i'm sorry my brain's gonna shut down if i don't do this and i see me in line going dude yeah and i'd be like i know i know like i knew and then finally one day i was like go out the other like i had to break it like i had to be like go out the other way yeah and then i did it a couple times and it was out when i was young i always had to have the lights we had three light switches on our stairwell like one at the bottom one up here and then one around i know what

it is they always had to be up yeah i knew that positivity yeah that's right positivity yes push it soda yep no that is i know that feeling i actually still kind of do that in my house where the kitchen will have the kitchen, our house is super old. Yeah. And the kitchen has like three different switches that activate the same fucking set of lights, which is insane. Yeah. It's just, dude, some electrician was like, fuck.

I love it. I love an electrician being in someone's nice house going, I'm going to make their fucking life a pain in the ass. There you go. So when one is down, the other one's up. But I have to get at least the two closest in the front part of the kitchen on the same up. And the other one can be down because I don't see it. Has the wife ever caught you doing something like that? I've told her.

She knows, dude, she knows my whole. You ever been caught doing something weird like that, though? No, but that is funny. It's like your pants are down. Dude, it is worse than getting caught jerking off. By far. It's so much more embarrassing. You're like, well, if I don't. Explaining it is excruciating embarrassing you're like well i um if i don't explaining it is

is excruciating when you're like no no it's because if this is not up it's a it's a you know the flow of that this is like jerking off you just be like i'm horny this is like sorry 12 years ago the entrance exit thing yeah there's a dance club called it's shut down now called caprice it was like greek it was in astoria euro trash heavy like once past 1 a.m on fridays and saturdays that corner of where it was was just like filled with dudes drenched in cologne like all these people just waiting to get into this i've been there fucking horrible club yeah yeah do you just hear that when you're walking by when i had my chicken and rice coming home and he's like walking by it's like when people like bend there's like beamers and benzes out front people are like just euro trashing the fuck out of it and i was going to buy cigarettes um with the girl i was dating and we did the entrance and then there was like a lot of people

coming into the deli and i was like we gotta go out this door and she was like there's an exit right there and i go no you gotta go out this door and there's like this feeling of her going why are we going out because it's supposed to be that way my grandma will die do you want mary lou in the grave you selfish bitch but doing that and her being like that and then you're going like i gotta leave the same entrance as i always come in and her being like what the fuck is wrong that's like i gotta break up with this guy but i'm i'm ocd particular about like cleanliness and i'm like a weird about that like my car when i have a clean car oh my god dude you would hate my car it's my car i'm a car collector i have a couple of fun toys but i gotta tell you they are fucking spotless

wait you're like a car collector i like cars no. No, of course. You got like a garage? No, I just have a- You want to see this Porsche? Yeah, yeah. No, I have a few cars. I just like cars. That's sick. I like cars.

That's my waste of money is cars. I like cars. That's the only thing I've ever loved since I was a kid. There's pictures in my, there was in my room at my mom's house of, in photography class. This is so funny.

I took photography in like, I don't know. I don't even know what year it was are you gonna find out you're one of those dudes that fucks cars that like you're like you're like you get caught by your wife you get caught with your wife and you go you know you're like troy mcclure how small can the muffler be yeah you go uh is there uh is there any technology to make it warm and wet and my muffler is just those uh the inner sleeve of a fucking uh you know i gotta clean out the muffler and you go do you come in it no sometimes i just cream pine my heart my honda i just love i have to pull my car

when i pull a car into a garage it has to be in the it has to be the same like there's a pole and i've my eye line has to be yeah i get Like there's a pole and my eyeline has to be perfect. Oh, yeah, I get that. It's disgusting. Did you ever have a dirty car? No, dude. Never? Did you get mad when your friends did? Sometimes I wouldn't ride in people's cars if they were filthy.

You would have. If we would have hung out. Like the guy that had shit spilled on his cloth seats and I would always be like, the shame. That's pretty gross. I'm telling you right now. Like the stains you would see. I don't know. I had a lot of burn marks from smoking.

Well, high school cars were that way. I mean, everybody had that. High school. This is fucking. It was recently. So I moved to New York. telling you like the stains you would see i don't know i had a lot of burn marks from smoking well high school cars were that way i mean everybody had high school this is fucking it was recently so i moved to new york i've i hated it dirty cars drew my like people that use the second people that use the the passenger side as a trash bin fuck you fuck you i know you're playing now i'm like they're playing my tune daddy i feel like that jay-z meme where i'm like yeah dude if you got in my car, it was a sea of plastic bottles. Just kick that stuff away.

And they always go, oh, just move that shit. I hated it too. Yeah. And then I felt like I was so clean when I'd pull all the bottles and put them in the back seat and I'd be like, open floor space. You're welcome, king. Yeah. I don't know why I've always been such a neat freak about that.

Would you get mad in high school when your friends would like bring an open container or like a soda into your car? Were you like weird about it? 13.30 Scott Cardani Couldn't do it. They couldn't. They weren't allowed. 13.30 Paul Jay They weren't allowed. 13.30 Scott Cardani Nah, dude.

13.30 Scott Cardani I always thought it was so weird. 13.30 Scott Cardani Dude, people can't bring drinks in my car. My food has never been inside any of my cars. 13.30 Scott Cardani How do you pick up to go? 13.30 Scott Cardani In my wife's car.

13.30 Scott Cardani Do you really? 13.30 Scott Cardani Yeah, 100%. 13.30 Scott Cardani Are you serious? It's that much and you're like, do not bring food. 1013 Because her car is a, she's got a Jeep and it's like a fam, it's like our, that's like our shared mutual bang around. Like I don't care. 1014 But not your car car.

Hypothetically. 1015 No, my cars I don't ever have food in them. 1016 Hypothetically, right? 1017 You cannot have food in my car. 1018 Hypothetically. 1019 Yeah. 1020 I'm in LA. 1021 Uh-huh.

1022 We're at the store. I've just gotten a burger from a place that I love. It's all to go shit oh good for you and we've got good for you makes me know i already know this answer but we've got to go somewhere else and i have a bag of food yeah you're not letting me get in your car you gotta finish that my guy really you're gonna make me eat it outside i'll tell you how funny this is bobby kelly when bobby was in LA and he wanted something to eat late at night and he was getting, dude, Bobby's so fun.

It's on character. Well, there was nothing open. Yeah. And where he was staying, he was like, there were so many other things we could have gone to in the city and gotten a meal, but he needed to get food and go to bed because he had to wake up early.

Sure. So his hotel was in a weird part of the city. It was like in the valley, like deep in the West Valley. Bobby's excuse for that is always like, dude, in the 90s, this was like the best, the fucking best hotel in LA, dude. And you go, well, it's 2023 or 24. We're fucking past that.

It was, dude, it was so funny. I was like, why are you fucking staying out here? And he's like, they put me up here. I didn't, they put him up there. So then the only thing that was open in that area was McDonald's, literally nothing else in that far. And then he goes, oh, oh dude I'm on a diet dude I can't fucking all right I'll just get a burger no bun so I said you want me to drop you

off like are you wanting to eat there what do you what do you want to take it to the hotel I was like do you want to just go get a meal he's like no I gotta I gotta go and he got it and I rolled down all of the windows so we could go from McDonald's to the hotel, which was like literally across the street. Cause I didn't want the smell of McDonald's in my car. So that he's the only food. That's almost probably the only time truly that it's been. And I'm talking.

It was a hot potato situation where you're like, and we're off. And then, and this is genuinely across the street. Like it was literally across. What if you're in your car and you need to get food and bring it home? When do I, what do you mean? Oh, I mean for like uh dinner for us yeah fucking uber eats get it delivered you won't pick it up no that is nuts she knows too it's like a deal also it's like a thing where it's not even on the table even bother her because if she was like could you pick something up i was like i'll just pay for it to be delivered rather than put it in your car

but it's also that also stemmed from the fact that I don't want to go, if I'm coming home after a long day of shit, I don't want to stop somewhere and go get fucking food. I'm tired. Yeah. I just, groceries can go in the trunk. Okay. It's uncooked. Uncooked.

So raw materials. Raw materials I'm okay with. You put a sauce on something, get it the fuck out of here. Dude, I'm exposing my shit so much. Dude, I love this. It's such a weird, I don't know why I don't know why I think there's a way thing what I'm what I'm fascinated by is getting to the point where I understand it and I'm close because I get that you're like listen I love cars I spent money on the only thing I love it's like this it's my thing yeah it's like fucking with someone's collectibles they They're like, dude, that's what I like. And someone's like, why do you like this?

It's like, because I like it. Yeah, I never understood. It bothers nobody else. I like it. I never understood pissing on someone's parade. Yeah. Where you're like, just let them have it. They like it.

Yeah, if they like their thing, like growing up a professional wrestling fan, I've gone through the waves of it's gay, it's fake, it's gay, you're stupid. It's fake and gay and you're stupid. Those are always the waves. It goes, you know it's gay it's fake it's gay you're stupid it's fake and gay and you're stupid that's those are always the waves it goes you know it's fake you know it's gay you know it's stupid you're stupid for liking it okay because they can trick you and you go sure i like it fine now we're here right and then it always comes back but then you see people i called out jared freed on instagram what

is he like he was wearing a Degeneration X hat. And I was like, just on his Instagram, I said, name me your three favorite Triple H matches. Because I'm like, don't you take... Calling them out. My culture isn't a costume. You don't get to appropriate my culture. No, dude.

I've sat through, it's fake, it's gay, it's stupid. Yeah. You haven't. You didn't endure that pain. I'm excited for the Royal Rumble. I'm figuring out how I'm going to take out my future bride for her birthday and then get home to watch the Royal Rumble without upsetting anyone. This is the same thing as the guy.

This is my food in the car. Yeah, that's food in the car. This is your food in the car. This is my food in my car. How am I going to watch Royal Rumble but also celebrate my favorite human being on the planet? Yeah, and they both can happen. They both can happen they both can exist they can happen and those get it together with the fucking watch from the beginning okay

what do they make you watch it from a midpoint or something yeah they go like if it starts they go like we'll wait till the end and then you can reload it and you know that's insane but old wwe network with their pay-per-views would be like do you want to watch it from the beginning and you're like yeah because not everyone can time it out how easy was the adjustment to call it wwe from wwf it upset me because i always knew it as a kid as wwf and that's all what i and you're like, yeah, because not everyone can time it out right. How easy was the adjustment to call it WWE from WWF? It upset me. Because I always knew it as a kid as WWF and that's all what I, to this day.

Do you know the story behind that? World Wildlife Foundation, right? They sued them. But here's the crazy thing. Vince McMahon trademarked WWF for World Wrestling Federation in the United States. So it was locked. So it's global.

And then it was globally the World Wildlife Foundation. And Vince McMahon went like, they're never going to be a problem. And then they were like, hey, we've got it everywhere but the United States. It's a problem for you.

And then he was like, well, I'd rather just fucking get rid of it and change it to World Wrestling Entertainment. Did they sue him? I thought they sued him. Yeah, there was a big court case and then he lost. That's insane, dude.

Yeah. All the stuff that's coming out now, there's some crazy shit wwf about vince mcmahon specifically yeah you some rags i mean no he's a car he's the leader of carney yeah dude it's like if you're the i mean barnum and bailey you know those guys they were rapists and murderers no i have no idea i would love if someone from the barnum family went like, yeah, Mr. Santino, if I could. My father raped elephants, not people. You find out he's just like, he was fucking lions. You're like, oh. It was all under the guise of beast.

That's all the circus really was. Dude, there's this news article I read today about this woman in Philadelphia that has a YouTube channel where she tortures animals. No, you can't do that on YouTube. They wouldn't, wouldn't they ban it? Dude, she was, they arrested her if you say the b word that i just said in fact you'll have to edit it they will they will demonetize you on because we made a joke about it on bad friends and the b word really i just said which will be right now to lay with to lay with animal yeah to lay with to lay

with pup i wonder if what the biblical term is yeah to lay with a beast to lay with. To lay with. To lay with animal. Yeah. To lay with pup. I wonder what the biblical term is. Yeah. To lay with a beast. To lay with. To. Uh. To lay with four legs. Yeah.

To lay with four legs. To lay with four legs. We have to start doing old school shit. But they fucking demonetized us for that. Because we. And we were talking about a real story. And they clipped us anyway. And I was like.

How is that crazy? But this girl has a channel. She. Have you ever seen the. What was that? Don't. Don't fuck with cats. Yeah.

Yeah. That documentary. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. Dark. but this girl has a channel she have you ever seen the what was that don't don't with cats yeah yeah that documentary this woman is uh she got charged with torturing and killing animals for youtube audience and can we do something drastic to this woman don't we get to beat the out of this woman in the streets or something so what's funny is when the people that with animals it's insane to me but i'm going to be honest there's a part of the article where you're like at the beginning when you read an the article you're like this this sick bitch killing animals and then they go it was frogs a rabbit and a pigeon and you go like well like what were you doing weirdo dogs and cats you immediately go like well like what was she doing yeah was she just like it was it science-based frogs maybe

frogs are into that we don't know what frogs are into they're changing their sex they're fucking weirdos yeah but it's so funny because torturing them though is disgusting to think you're going to get away with it is hilarious to me where you go like no it's cool everyone loves this shit yeah and to post it is the just if you're going to be a weirdo, just do it by yourself. And we might have to edit this, but there is the big B word is involved. Because they started saying, like, she started sharing the videos last year, and then it got a little sexual. Just shoving frogs up her ass. Yeah, where people were like, she would request likes and engage with YouTube viewers before torturing the animals. Some of the comments were sexually charged.

Well, that's a cop for sure. Teenage boys. Fuck that pigeon. Yeah. Put that rabbit suck on your tits. the animals some of the comments were sexually charged well that's the cop for sure teenage boys fuck that pigeon yeah look that rabbit suck on your tits yeah put the pigeon in your pussy what the fuck are you talking about i walked past a pigeon lady by the way the other day brian park and it's just look i get that that's her that's her thing in terms of like wait the lady from home alone too she was there yeah no no i've lived here for 17 years i was like yo that bitch is for real there's just a lady feeding a ton of pigeons and i thought you know because then you have to walk by and then they get flustered and there's poop and they're and they're flying in your face

and you're like i'm not mad at her because this is the thing that's giving her any amount of hope or joy in her life. Isn't it crazy that she wakes up and she's like, gonna go feed the pigeons. She's so excited. She like smells it, that's good, that's good pigeon feed, put in her little bag. But it creeps me out that they develop

such a relationship with them that they can like sit they can let them sit on them and it's almost like they've spin it into this sounds crazy but like normalcy where i'm like that's not that big of a deal like initially if i put a pigeon on your shoulder outside you get the fuck what are you doing but a couple of months but well you know what's crazy is that's how tough mike tyson is He played with me. He like normalized kissing pigeons. We're like, this one's my favorite one.

And we're like this. That's so cool. Spread the word. Yeah. It's like having a very rich or a very tough friend. Yeah. It's like all our friends that like Rogan's posts about elk meat. Yeah.

Where you go like, you're a vegetarian. Why do you care about what a man is grilling? Always. Whenever Rogan posts those, I just go immediately to who liked it to see who, which one of my friends. Do you like it though? Are you bootlicking or do you like cooked elk with jalapenos? Yeah.

Do you like the posts? Be honest. Like people watching Mike Tyson kiss pigeons and they go, totally cool. And in reality, if your friend Doug was doing it you'd be like you sick fuck what are you doing but it's mike tyson he's like this pigeon he's really nice kiss him and you go you would 100 you'd have to be like i want to do it more mike thank you it's not the b word that youtube will strike us down for don't get sexual with my pigeon you're getting too into it.

Well, he said they were his only friends because they weren't mean to him. I know. That is like the... When he said that, I was like, oh my God. He is the toughest sweet boy. Yeah, he is such a sweet boy. That's ever walked the earth.

Imagine what he would do to you though if you've upset him. Sometimes when he gets really high on his podcast and he gets upset with... Like Bird did at one time. And I think i think they almost they got a little bit of an argument and it was really uncomfortable because birds that's his thing where he's gonna go now why would you say that you know tyson's like why would you say why would i say what you're making me angry i don't think you would like me when i'm angry i just like when he goes that's wrong

that's not right yeah that's not right and everyone gets quiet yeah and they just wait for him to be like i'm okay now yeah he just it really is like uh those videos where you see like a powerful animal grab one of the human trainers like it'd be an orca or something and they go like okay okay i feel like they go like we're playing along because if you try to fight he'll fucking kill you because like my taxing goes like everything's all right and you're like like when you see one of those kids in dubai or something they have like pet fucking lions inside and we're all oil baron kids and they're like those are the ones that used to ride escalades on two wheels dude i love that shit i love that shit ball out dude ball out dude go nuts you see me at an airport sitting at a gate, good chance I'm watching those. Or you're watching me, same guys slap around a lion.

When they smack, they'll smack like a cheetah in the face and then make it chase one of their friends. And they're all laughing. And I'm like, dude, this thing is one bad meal away from going, fuck it. It's the Siegfried and Roy thing where you go like yeah that's what you get it was gonna happen yeah why did we think that was gonna last i can't believe it lasted as long as it did i think there were layers of magic and homosexuality that made us think that there was enough control on those tigers the gay shit overshadowed all the danger tiger tigers don't know gay shit they're just like what is this what's going on tiger shit and they're like i've

never seen sass watch us make love tiger yeah you're going that's what it was he was like i can't watch these guys plow each other anymore i'm gonna bite his fucking head yeah dude there's something powerful and dangerous and upsetting it the second you feel like it's upset you're like no no no no no so i never liked horses oh bro same you got a horse it got on a horse and it's like, what? What did I do? Did I upset you? You can also feel it doesn't want you nearby.

I used to say that years ago when a friend, I had a friend whose girlfriend had horses and they were like, come over and ride a horse. And I was like, no, thank you. I have no, I don't ever, I actually have never been on a, I've never sat on a horse. Really? I have no need. When I went to poor kid summer camp, when I was was my mom like sent me to uh it's like a christian summer camp they had horse riding there fucking mustard dude they put me on this old horse named mustard and i was like

hi that's a good boy he tried to like put his head down and back up and have me fall over the front i was like i'm not like an outdoorsy guy. So I have like raised by a mom bitch energy while I'm like, stop him, stop him. And the horse is like, Mustard, I'm scared. Mustard, stop.

But you have that feeling where they're like, oh, this is an animal. It's not going to stop. They don't want you on them. Yeah. That's why I was in Tampa and I was doing years ago, I did Ybor City,

that improv and they have a fuckload of cops on horses a ton of them and i could you're staring at that and i couldn't help but think of like but that's such a waste of money just get a car dude that thing is so much more expensive to take care of by the way also you're not catching me if i'm running away no you're not catching me you know how fast i'm gonna break that horse's knees i'm fucking i'm darting bro i'm gonna i'm out sanders the shit out it's not cutting like this that horse better be watching my hips because i'm gonna shake them you should be looking at my belt you're watching my belt you're looking at my shoulders that's why you got dusted why don't you pick your horseshoes

up off the floor there was a time where uh when i first moved here i lived in hoboken and hoboken had uh they've since made it illegal, but they had a St. Patrick's Day parade. That was, I think they called it like the first St. Patrick's Day parade in the nation. So people went hard as fuck. That can't be true. I mean, like it was always the first out of every city.

Ah, the first one to like that year. They would do it early. Not like the first one of all time. They're like St. Patrick's Day, January 19th. For real. They would run it like a week before chicago would even think about it and they'd be like nah we're gonna do st patrick's day but it would go down washington street and it was fucking nuts and it was all day drinking or whatever yeah but then at the end my roommates and i uh went out drinking at night my roommate morgan was blackout and when he would get blackout

drunk we'd call him morgus because he was a problem that's what we said the monster he became he would do wild shit and we were outside and washington street was still closed down so we're all like going to a bar and there's a cop on a horse and fucking morgan slaps the horse's ass with the cop on the horse come on buddy and watching that horse fucking you know like be like what the fuck and i just remember the cop going don't touch the horse don't touch the horse because he was afraid yeah because he's like what the fuck are you doing morgan thought it was so good he was blackout he thought it was so funny that's why it's assaulting an officer you know that right oh yeah if you fuck with a horse yeah you're assaulting an officer dude that's crazy i wish

you would have gotten us all through that and then wake then woke up hungover in jail like, why am I here? Yeah, dude. It's like you smacked a horse's head. Your boy hit a horse. Yeah, fuck, eh. You know what you did, bud. You fucking dickhead how to fucking hit a horse. Some New Jersey cop is like, so you think it's fun, huh?

I back the blue. I don't know what you do. You touch that horse, you're not backing the blue. You know that was one of those meetings at the council where they were like, what if we paint the horses blue too? And they're like, all right, Mikey, fucking work outside. All right, Officer Deluvio, that is not necessary. My brother owns a paint store.

We could go get a whole bunch of fucking paint, paint all them horses blue. It's a local business. It's good for business. You want to support local businesses in Hoboken or not? We could call them like blue mustangs. Yeah, blue mustangs, you know? The blue mustangs. Dude, it's-

I've never seen wild horses in real life? I mean, wild horses. Actually, real... Like just... No. Horses in the wild. Yeah, what are you, in Yellowstone? Where are you going?

Yeah, dude. Where are you seeing just wild horses? I was up at Lake Arrowhead in California, and we were up there for... It was my wife's birthday, I think it was. This was years ago. And we were in town and it's uh summer so you know not skiing up there or anything we just wanted to go hiking and go fuck around in the mountains and this woman at the shop was like have you seen the horses this is a crazy story

this is so rural lady energy have you seen the horses and i was like what do you mean the horses and she goes that same lady though when it turns violent she goes well your blood's got to feed the son of satan right exactly you're like what the fuck she's the at the end of the film where she's like i told you to watch out for the horses they must feed she goes go down route whatever it was and she gave us these specific directions i put it down on my phone and she literally goes there so there was no signs on these deep county roads but but there was yard, I mean, mileage markers, you know. And she's like, you got to go down to this mileage marker, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Then you'll see wild horses that still are out just roaming in the plains. And she goes, they usually are around this chunk of land at this point.

So we're driving and driving and driving, driving and driving and driving. No food in the car. No food in the fucking. No, it's a rental. That's fine. Rental's fucking. Bunch of white. I'll light them on fire. Yeah. I can't wait to get crumbs in the cracks of the seats and then so

we go and then finally we're it's been an hour or something in the car so you're like searching for these fucking things well we're looking for these mileage markers but also it doesn't feel like it's adding up time wise and anyway i was like fuck this dude let's just turn around and like out of a shitty like out of a poorly scripted film we go to turn around like we because there is no place to turn around it's a two-lane highway right and we go to turn around off the dirt road there is the fucking mileage marker she's referring to i my hand to god i was like dude this is fake yeah and i go should we go down this this side this side my wife was like, yeah, I mean, let's try. We drive down this road for like maybe a minute.

Not a long time. Sure enough. No shit. Boom. A fuckload of wild horses. I have pictures of it. There's about 15 or 20 of them, maybe. And there he's chilling.

And the woman goes, do not get out of your car. And I was like, why? She's like, they will charge you and they will trample you to death if you're out of your car street horses i know yeah dude they're for their this is hood well one they were all crips they were all crips that's why they said what okay what are you repping good you gotta get out you're like 66 street i had to go like this to the horses he's like no he good he good he good he good no no no no that's my cousin you know my cousin so i said i so she's like don't get out of the car because genuinely, even as the car pulled up and we were far away, I mean, we were probably like 200, 300 yards away and they were looking,

you know, they're grazing and they're looking, they keep looking up and they keep cycling, circling around. What's crazy is they formed kind of like a weird, like a half moon wall around this perimeter. They were in a group and then they spread out i mean they're super smart apparently they're like really intelligent because you know they're out in the yeah they're chatting it up and and you can tell they're kind of they're doing like the swat sign we'll get into a phalanx they did dude, dude. They got into the flying V, the Mighty Ducks. Yeah. Horses run together.

Horses run together. And you could tell they were like waiting to see if we were going to make a move or get closer with the vehicle. Because they were just really like, they held super still. And then we just slowly started to, you know, back up in reverse. And then as we took a few, you know, put my phone out, took a few photos. And then as we backed up and went away, then they just started to spread out and go over this horizon but it was dude it was wild to watch they are fucking massive wild horses are so big yeah well you don't think you've seen them at you know whatever i've gone to a horse i've gone to like also like the sad

ones in central park and shit well that's not those aren't horses dude those are those are ai what do you if you brought those out if you brought one of those central park horses to one of those they'd be like what did they kill it immediately you think no they would kill it immediately i said that how do they do with domesticated horses and she's like oh they would murder it what do you mean it's a threat it's absolutely a threat to their pack that they would kill a horse really i was like that's crazy i didn't know horses got down like that well dude wild horses are extremely defensive and aggressive because they have to be right there they're, because they're going to get tamed. Yeah.

They're going to have little fucking, little weaves in and then someone's going to call like some little girl's going to be like, this is cinnamon and she likes it. And they're like, I was in a fucking field like a month ago, dude. I was like, do you know how big my fucking dick is? Do you know how big my dick is and how much this hurts my feelings? It made a guy make this noise. When he got killed. Remember Mr. P paws or whatever the fuck

mr hands um that's that's nuts because if you're a horse right if you're just a wild horse chilling you and your wife are in like a little hyundai sonata or whatever yeah but you're in like a little metal it'd be like if you and me were hanging out and then like an animal and like a human like a metal human thing walked up we're like what the fuck are you we would also flank it though we would also angle and be like who is this guy they go it takes pictures with his eyes like yeah you immediately be like i don't know what that was i'm getting the fuck out of here that's fucking why they're they're beautiful they're big but they're aggressive as fuck you can tell that they're

they were really like dude there's a don't fuck around where's this uh there's a book rogan talks about a lot but it's i love it it's called um where is it it's about the last comanche chief oh yeah yeah he's he's told me about it yeah i think he's made me buy it on it's really fucking good but he uh he gets points every book sold that's why oh that's, he's he's told me about yeah, I think he's made me buy it on it's really fucking good But he gets points every book sold. That's why oh, that's why he's got he's got points on the back He's got points in the back end of the book. There was a There's this there like they talk about how the Comanche were just like these like bullied This bullied tribe

They were like the most they were like little hill people like little tiny little hill people and all the other tribes were like fuck you which made them mean they were like yo fuck you that's how they were like they're like someday shit's gonna change and then the spanish brought horses over here to north america and they got like they're the best at breaking horses so it's crazy to think these little mountain people saw these wild beasts and were like they were so mad they're like i'm gonna fuck i'm gonna get these motherfuckers to ride with me and then i'm gonna fuck up everybody that ever shit on me because that's what they would do they just got good at horses and they were like hey blackfoot remember us every villain story is born from that very moment but they really were like yo you fucked with us so long i forget what that book's called anyways. I know, he's told me about this too.

Quinnod Parker, I believe, is the name of the chief. But he's told me this before. It's not Empire of the Sun or Moon. Go check it out. But yeah, he's talked about this book so much that these guys were the only guys that were able to break and tame horses.

Well, they said the way that the Comanches would ride horses, it was impossible. They learned how to ride them bareback and would be able to like shoot a bow and arrow under the neck of the horse as the horse was running they were able to like go under and accurately fuck it fuck your shit up even the horses like that shit was dope yeah he's like dude that's fucking cool i mean i don't like this but that's cool as hell dude don't get me shot though do not get me shot these whites in their fucking

don't let these whites shoot me please and their chinese gunpowder don't fucking get me i loved the culture of the west being both going to school in arizona but i i knew it was never me but i really did have a crush on it but it was never for me like i would never i don't think i'd ever like live out in arizona again yeah i hate i there was a crush on it for some reason there was a part of me that resented it growing up in colorado because it's so shoehorned into everything you do we're like high plains too that's also beautiful it's a lot listen going back and like taking katie to it and like driving through and showing her it's like it's amazing and i love that i grew up there i'm very proud to be from colorado but there is two things that hit you where you're like number one I don't want to fucking hike all the time so fuck kick rocks number two we absolutely stole this land you're like you grow up there you go 100p I don't know what the deal was to make New York it's not the

same feeling as when you go out to like you know Laramie Wyoming and you're like so we just were like this is good this is good this is just chill but there's um this is the book i love this book called the heart of everything that is about red cloud that shit if you haven't read it what's funny is before i knew rogan that when he wrote that book in his comments i was like you need to read this because there was the only time i was like dude it's fucking awesome the heart of everything that is by bob drury and tom clavin it fucking rules red cloud is 100 my name that's oh yeah i am red cloud but for he for he has the head of a red cloud in the face imagine if natives saw a fucking ginger for the first time how they'd freak the fuck well you know how hard would they laugh they talk about it i think in this book that there is pure-blooded native americans do not

have the gene for hair loss so they keep a full head of hair their whole life it is not in their genetic code the first time they saw bald people were white men yeah of course and we had long european noses so they would call them bird people they said that they were like and literally they got vultured like they said that they were because they're and by the way they would call them bird people. They said that they were like, and literally they got vultured. Like they said that they were, and by the way, they would wear like high neck things. I think they would call them like vulture men because they had like the bald head

and the huge nose and they'd be like, ah, I'm a train. Ah, I'm a train. I'm a train. Ah,

ah, ah, ah. And they're like, oh, it's like fucking these guys. Yeah, dude.

No, I do love the West. I just, uh, there's a part of me that's like, dude, when you read books about the West, this, I like pulling books out of my bookcase, like, which brings up another point. He's never read any of these. The Indifferent Stars Above is about the Donner Party, about when they got caught. It's a fucking great book.

Because of last podcast on the left, I read this book. Yeah. And it is gruesome. Like what happened to those people all because one guy goes no you can take that way yeah go through the sierra nevadas fine buy the map and then they were like stuck in it usually but they bring up this point in this book that i never think about where they're like you know these motherfuckers that were going west covered in dirt and bugs yeah because nothing was there's bugs there's no water they don't ever talk about

washing off and but in the old west movies and in the cowboy movies they do one like with a fly or they go like yeah they're not constantly like i would be if i'm in an if i'm in the old west this is me oh just a banker from illinois he's like i know we gotta go out west i'm like but the bugs you'd be sleeping inside of the wagon with all the women yeah over again our our tracker from the native goes for you have a son that acts like a daughter i don't like it it sucks yeah for for he is what we call bitch made this fucking sucks dude i have one more question before we stop recording to me and you don't have to answer this yeah you were in house party yeah you were the only white guy besides mark cuban yeah dude in house party yeah cuban's not white either, though, by the way.

So there you go. So we're talking pure Aryan warrior. You're the only one in House Party. The only one, dude. I'm the only white guy in Beef in that TV show. I did that show. Yeah, that was like a serious role. John was actually complimenting you before you came over.

Thank you, dude. I'm the only white. Hollywood has adorned me as... You're it. If it's a minority heavy film... Well, let Santino in. Well, you know, like the old running joke of like, and then we got to just put a black guy in there.

Just put an Asian guy in there. I'm the, just put a fucking white guy in there. I hope you become the white guy that dies first. I want that. That's to me the most fun. When they, that house, what was the question about House Party? Well, House Party didn't do well.

No. I mean, I don't know, but I assume not. It didn't do well. Did you know, we've all been on stuff party didn't do well no i mean i don't know but i assume not it didn't do well did you know we've all been on stuff that doesn't do well most of the shit was there a moment where you're making it where you go like this ain't up oh dude where i thought it was gonna be bad yes well here's the problem with that inherently like when and i know a lot of hard work went in there's like a ton of crew writers all that stuff no the truth really is when you do such a small cameo role and like i'll toot my horn i think i killed it in that scene that i did i think it was funny yeah like the scene i got to do but it's like i shot two scenes or three scenes but like i didn't see any other i don't know the rest of the you don't know

and i'm gonna be honest i didn't read the fucking script i mean they sent me what i'm gonna do and then you're like yeah i, I'll do that. I haven't seen Schultz yet. I haven't seen, he's been on the road. Yeah. But last I was watching the NFL playoffs and they did a thing where the Snoop Dogg was promoting this new movie called Underdogs, which looks. He's a coach. He's a former player it's basically little giants meets bad news bears

meets uh the keanu reeves or mighty ducks yeah it's it's those three mixed together a successful guy gets in trouble has to coach kids they end up learning how to win by losing all that shit it's bad yeah it's like the trailer is bad the trailer is so bad that i ran out to the living room to show katie Katie that I was like, you got to watch this. But Schultz popped up as one of the rival coaches. And that's the question where it's like, same question for you where you're like, where you get that script or you're like, this fucking sucks.

That's the thing. When it's, when it's such a small cameo, like mine is so small and quick. Um, I, they, I read my scenes. I'm like, what am I in? And then they send you the sides and you're like okay but i wouldn't read the whole script i wouldn't read the whole script of a movie unless i'm in a substantial amount if i'm popping into something i'm not reading that because when i first got on billions i'd read every but you're a script but i'm

even if i wasn't in the episode i'm like i gotta read the script i gotta know what's going on and by the end of season seven i was like yeah i'll read my scene don't even know what's going on one time i read one of the episodes i was like i didn't even know this person was working at axe capital like there was like huge character changes where i was like how the fuck did they get there i saw a clip of you that just popped up the other day about you a foreign number and it's your ex-girlfriend's number and oh yeah where he yells at me that was like the first scene i got to do with damian lewis i think that was on tiktok or something i saw that pop it was fucking yeah he yelled at me he ripped that phone out and he told me like i'm gonna go hard we like did a couple takes and he goes one where he's like hey i'm gonna like rip the phone out of your hand i'm

gonna like fuck shit up and i was like get it dude do it get it brody do it yeah dude get it home i don't read stuff unless i'm in it in in it. You know, like for me, I've only done like, you know, easy plug, but I'm out here plugging this movie that comes out in March. And yeah, I read the fuck out of this movie because I'm in the whole movie. What's the movie?

It's called Ricky Stanicki. Yeah. It's me, John Cena, Zac Efron. Oh yeah. You were in Australia filming that. Yeah.

Jermaine Fowler. Jermaine Fowler. Yep. Where we need Jermaine and Zac Efron, our best friends. We fuck shit up as kids how awesome is jermaine it's the man dude i love that guy i everybody that worked on the movie was super chill i mean like every it was jermaine sent uh me jermaine and michael che have a wrestling um

group chat because i think he told me about this and he was sending him the pictures with him and cena and we were like fuck you like he's like because jermaine's very much like haha suck my dick look who i'm hanging out with he's not like isn't this cool jermaine's like you guys fucking suck look who i'm with that's how you know he's a real friend yeah i love him dude no he was cool and it's it's three best friends that fucked up stuff as kids and they have created a fake alibi a guy named ricky stinicky to like take the brunt of their falls and their lies yeah and now they're all older and the wives and girlfriends and family members are like, we'd like to meet this guy who's been your friend your whole life.

And it's Cena? That you've gone on trips for and we, yeah, we get together. Cena's so funny. He's rad, dude. He's a great dude. Peacemaker was fucking awesome. He's cool, man. He's one of those guys that like, he wants to touch all the bases and have as much fun as he can.

Yeah. You can tell that you're like, oh, this dude just wants to have all the bases and have as much much fun as he can yeah you can tell that you're like oh this dude just wants to have a great time i remember um i forget who worked with him during train wreck like amy obviously but like i think it was keith robinson and marina franklin had that scene with amy and cena in the movie theater or whatever and immediately keith was like oh stop it i know you're gonna fucking nerd out and i was like oh how was it how was he was he amazing and then by the way i'd go to summer slam and boo the shit out of john cena yeah that's what you're supposed to do i go john cena sucks john cena sucks and he's doing this dude me in this there was a summer slam where it was john cena versus aj styles and it was at

barclays right and sam roberts got me tickets and I fucking I was like nerding out and the match is Cena versus AJ Styles and this little boy eight years old huge John Cena fan the second I start going John Cena sucks you see him go like like give that little kid displeasure face you know and then he'd go john cena and i go john cena sucks and it turns into him going john cena like kind of towards at me and i'm like oh this kid's getting into it so i went full heel and i was like john cena i was like i was like yelling over and cena won the match and this kid looked back at me so proud like what's up motherfucker you know what's up dude yeah run it bitch yeah he's like he did this to me and i was like all right but just thinking some eight-year-old was like i was at a wrestling match

of this fucking dickhead i punked this 65 year old man oh sure i can't eat candy late at night but i'm still fun i'm still a fun guy he's a rad dude they were honestly i know that's like all these corny things that you see at hollywood people are like we're all best friends but everyone that worked on that legit was cool there was no like no ego there wasn't anybody who was that's awesome because you're in fucking australia it was rad dude william h macy was fucking oh hell yeah little bill yeah i'll always go to boogie nights references he's the man he was cool like everybody was my wife's down there with an ass in her cock and they kept that something sound like it was about this falls on me we die dude That's a good end of the pod, though.

Yeah, and William H. Mason goes, shouldn't have brought up that rule, you smug prick. You fucking rule, dude. Thanks for coming by. You rule, too. I appreciate it. I always get geeked out when I was like, Santino's in town?

Let's fucking go. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking do it. I'll never eat in your car. You never, honestly, you never, honestly, dude. I don't have you in my car, but you can't eat in it. You go, you know, you're going to get the chance. You're just going to fuck you up even more. You can't, no drinks in there either.

I'm a drink guy. I already got two drinks. People are always like, no drink, no coffee. I'm like, nah, man. What if you get parched? Pull over and get something. You're wild. That's the craziest way.

We're ending the podcast on that. That's fucking bonkers bullshit.