Soder - Fatherless Men with Robert Kelly | Soder Podcast | EP 4

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

This episode Dan is joined by comedian Robert Kelly. Bobby had to skip his son's recital to record this episode. They talk about growing up fatherless men and how it impacted them over the years. Drop us a rating on itunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. Dan is on the road! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Royal Oak, MI | Dec 8th Atlanta | Dec 9th New Jersey | Dec 15 Philly | Dec 16 Boston | Feb 17 2024 Follow Robert Kelly https://www.instagram.com/robertkellylive/?hl=en Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

let me shut my phone off because i don't want max to call crying again dude what let me just shut this off because it will kill you didn't once what say that you had a recital to go your son's recital i didn't we're both fatherless men yeah you i was max and so is max tonight on the day of his first recital well recitals for boys are gay so you're making a real man. What's up? You're right. Fuck him. Max, when you see this in the future, this is when you became the toughest son of a bitch to walk the earth. You're getting close to the porn age.

Listen to me. Did you catch me already? I don't want to talk about this. I can't talk about it. Come on, dude. I can't talk about it. You're on the couch just hanging out. Dude.

The lady took the dog for a walk. Let's get nuts. Just boys in the room. What happened? Is he a porn agent? My mom, I'll tell you a story. We can ease you in. Yeah.

I used to, this is like before DVD porn. This is VHS porn. Right. But then I'd get Playboys and penthouses. Yeah. And then what I'd do is I would take them and hide them up in my closet where I had like a couple Playboys and a couple penthouses up there. And then one day I went for the stack, gone.

Your mom. Yeah. Yeah. But never said anything. Waited for me to say something. Yeah. And I just held tight. Yeah.

My mom caught me whacking off. Like mid-beat? She went to the store one day. She goes, me and your sister went to the store. You want to come? I was like, nah. Because whenever the house was empty,

it was time to make love. Yeah. You know what I mean? Is that what you call beating off? When the house was empty. Because that means... But you... I don't care about the house being empty.

Did you call jerking off making love? When the house was empty. Because, let me tell you, let me finish. Because then that's when I can get fully naked. Do you know what I mean? Did you kiss the air? Yeah, like, yeah. Would you like hump your hand?

Because before that. You're a sensual ass young man. It was like you had to take it out and do it somewhere in the bathroom quick. But when nobody was home, you could make love. Let me tell you my i was cbgb beating oh two three four i was i was pulling it out get the venom out of me you're black flagging it very anti-authority yeah no okay when i would just when i could get the house alone i would get fully naked i remember she she left

she she did all the linens too like so my bed was bare so i i um so you really felt like a dirty girl when i used to jerk off too and when i used to masturbate when my we used to use uh vaseline petroleum jelly that's a of a to get off your hand when you're yeah but that's that back in the day that's what you had. You didn't jerk off with your mom's leg cream because that was kind of gross and insensitive. Yeah, I also feel like it would hurt. But petroleum jelly was great. So you have a bare mattress. Bare mattress.

Slick the hog. Slicking the hog. And then I heard, boo! No. And my mother opened the door. She went, boo! No. And then she went.

No. And she fell to the ground laughing And then she literally reached had to reach up grab the door and shut it how old she was good How old are you? I was 15 Fuck so you're getting an aggressive beat. It wasn't like 12. What am I doing? How did I I had a fucking snatch of pubes up top and you were and I was I I had my legs like this and I was I was like this back arched and she goes boo boo and I went deep that was my question did you break or did you were you stay did I break oh no no I've minded of complete shock I went and then you

wilted it was like a ghost. So then I immediately, you had a wiener wilt. I froze. She shut the door, crawled, I believe, back to her room laughing. I could hear her going,

and then I put my clothes on and I went into her room and she was folding clothes and she was like, so you didn't think we were going to come? You know when I love your mom, you're like, so you want meatloaf?

You want a fat meatloaf tonight, you fucking pervert? Never said a word. Never said a word. Two weeks later, me and my sister were at the table with guests over, and we were eating, and she wouldn't pass something to me. I was like, pass this ketchup, whatever it was. You fatso. I called her fatso.

You called your mom fatso? No, my sister. Oh, okay. And she goes, at least I don't jerk off with the Vaseline, pervert. In front of the guests. My mom went. Oh, man. My mom and stepdad both started cracking up.

It was embarrassing. I just stood up and ran upstairs. Will you answer this next question honestly? Yes. How many prostitutes have you murdered because of that moment? Three. Three? Three.

Three. You're not supposed to walk and boo. Boo to you. Boo to you. It's funny. Just killing a fucking lady in the night. It's funny for me to talk to you about prostitutes because you're so, you've never had a prostitute.

No. I don't like the idea of they're only fucking me because of the money. That takes me out of the whole thing. Yeah, it takes all of us out of the whole thing. Well, no, I think there's some dudes that love that. There are dudes that love like, here's money, fuck me now. Really?

I've had conversations with friends of ours who have been like do i know any of these friends yeah do i talk on a microphone with some of these you have and they've said they like i know there's a friend of ours and i will not release names unless we do a patreon where he with his, long-term girlfriend, would play hooker because he liked the idea of giving her $40 for a blowjob. Really? Yes. Yes.

That's hot. I don't think it's hot. I love that he got a discount, too. I know, $40. He didn't even give the girl a woman he loves $100. I mean, it's coming back to you. Yeah. In Starbucks or snacks.

That's your money. Yeah, right? She goes, actually, you know what? I've got snacks tonight. He goes, yeah, because I paid you to you. Yeah. In Starbucks or snacks. That's your money. Yeah, right? She goes, actually, you know what? I've got snacks tonight. And he goes, yeah, because I paid you

to suck my dick. You suck my dick. I never, that could never take myself out of that. It's such a good thing though. Here's the thing. I hope my son never does that.

I hope he goes the route of you because later in life his relationships will be better. You know what I mean? It's not transactional. Well, because I was never, my generation,

you don't talk about sex. Your parents don't tell you. There's nothing. She never mentioned it again. So I had to learn sex from all these other kids. Yeah, which was terrible. Which is not good. Because you don't know who's getting thrown in the mix.

Listen, my kid can come to me and has and told me, he's told me he's looked at stuff. I said, listen, you tell me. And he told me he looked at a couple things. And I saw what he looked at and it was just girls on TikToks

like dancing. Oh, that's so funny, dude. And I was like, I... And you want to keep that innocence forever. That's what Jay always would make fun of me. Jay's like, you're so vanilla because you like beer commercials. It's like, I'm going to keep that that alive.

Yeah. As long as I can. I'm being into jiggling tits in a bikini. Yeah. You don't have to stare at your wife's vagina and go, this is not my sister. It's not my sister. I don't want to see a gaping asshole to make my cock move. Yeah.

You're a prolapsed asshole. She'll be like, oh God, I found you in a crate. That's what gets me going. I need to punch your stomach and have your pussy shoot out like a stressed all nose. Tell me you need this for your family's food. You're like, you don't want that. What? I want a lady that's like, hey, I'm on a trampoline and I've got jiggly tits.

And you're like, it's pretty cool. I'm still in there. It's pretty hot. Hey, everybody. If you're listening to this, number one, thank you for listening. Number two, I'm on the road. December 8th, Royal Oak Theater in Royal Oak, Michigan. Come out.

DanSoder.com for tickets. Also, Buckhead Theater in Atlanta the following night, December 9th. If you're in the Atlanta area, come see me at the Buckhead Theater. Get tickets at DanSoder.com. Don't forget to subscribe to the YouTube channel and follow me at dan soda on twitter and instagram and tiktok all that shit are you a good are you a good bang i don't know i would think i'm okay i i want to ask you seriously and i know you're you're humble

i know you're here's why i say yes yeah here's why i say yes you have a smoking hot chick in the other room? Also, I'm desperate to please people. It's a gift and a curse. I hate it. I'm like working on not being a people pleaser right now. But I would say. Why? Let go.

Just say what you want. Get what you deserve. Yeah. Get it. Come on. Even if you don't have rhythm say you do we're doing an impression of the therapist that we share who by the way has a client that's his age after me what old guy yeah like a 75 year old dude oh that's bothersome but you know what katie and i always joke around about that they are just friends and they just talk shit about how big of a pussy I am.

Then he comes in and he goes, Cried about his dad again. And he's like, What do you want, Alan? He's a fucking pussy. Every time I leave, they're like, Hey, did the mensch fucking, did that stupid prick leave? Hey, did that, remember the guy that used to be fat?

Is he still coming in? Oh, they have the guy that used to eat that was big and now he small oh anger issues we got it we got it oh you can't you can't stop yourself around bread yeah shut up you schmuck you didn't have a dad join the club they're both old jewish men and that's why this is accurate um i think they got that well you know i'm trying to draw i'm trying to have a lot of context. Let me ask you a question. Yes. You right now. What was that? Were you getting into character? Why did you wipe your face?

What kind of weird fucking move was that? Let me ask you something. That was like, I dated an actress and she would do this thing called actress breath. When she was trying to be serious, she'd go like this. I just don't feel like you're listening to me and immediately i'd be like this is bullshit i'm gonna swat your point down you don't actress breath i mean you just actress breath you know let me ask you something where does that come from I disagree. I think it went MySpaceFest.

What'd you say? What'd you say? Hulk Hogan. You disagree with who? Don't you touch the longest reigning WWF heavyweight champion of all time.

Dude, the Gary Cassetto bit your fucking fingers broke. I don't touch that. Dog, all these little things are very, all my little special,

all my special things dude touch my little thin ears look how thin my ears are go ahead give them a flick they're almost elfish no from behind your ass that hurt jesus bobby it's the first time i've been physically assaulted on my own podcast and i know he edits like a whiz so I know he'll be able to focus it there are you look how flimsy that was that was flimsy so is your question is how scared am I my question is is that your question there was something before you were just saying that was interesting but I forget what it was we're talking about Facebook yeah well that that that I it's you you're doing your special but it's like by way, I'm not calling it a special cause I don't think it's a special. Okay.

I think it's more of an hour slash mixtape. It's just the hour I have right now. I just want to put it out. Like I just put my special on, on, um, punch up, punch up,

but it's like the amount, I might put it on punch up live first. And then we might have emails that I got. I know it's crazy. I'm like shit. And I'm like, okay, so I can,

he goes, yeah, we can find out i have where all these people are by the way check out punch up live go watch bobby stuff on there joe lists got stuff up there sam it's just a weird thing it's a weird thing to me that you we put these things on youtube and we're hoping for some monetary value sure if they don't fuck you out of that yeah uh some third party and decide they can decide which ones go and which ones don't fuck you out of that, some third party... They can decide. They can decide.

They can decide which ones go and which ones don't. I've had meetings with you. I mean, like when we were making this podcast. Do you know YouTube people? I personally had a meeting with a guy from YouTube. It wasn't worth a shit, but... We'll edit that part out. I think they're great.

I mean, here's the thing. I think they do great work. I'm so excited. I'm so excited for that. Guys, hey. See you in Corporate Dan. I'm so excited for that. Guys, hey. See you, Corporate Dan. The return of Corporate Dan. Guys, YouTube's great.

I think it's owned by a wonderful company. So you met you few people. Well, figuring all this shit out, dude, this is what I mean by trying to play catch up. I think, like, you've had You Know What, dude, for 15 years. You've had your own podcast. I mean, you had Bobby Kelly with sometimes Colin Quinn. years you've had your own podcast i mean you had bobby kelly with sometimes colin quinn you know i've had it before i had it at this point where it was i was doing it

out of love of the game oh i still do it out of the love of the game i don't make the money that people have made off podcasts i never i never got that when i had like me and Joe DeRosa, if we could have just saw something, we could have been the number one podcast. It was like you and Rogan were the only people doing podcasts. The business is fucking nuts like that. It changes on a dime, and people who are trajectories

are going like this, playing off, and then other guys just shoot the fuck past them. I think it's just chaos right now. Yeah. That's why I think it's the main thing. And I'm happy you're doing what you're doing is because you, the main thing above all else is being happy.

Yeah. This is, you know, when, when we announced the podcast or whatever, and we announced that it's only 30 to 40 minutes an episode, you get a lot of people being like, like well what the fuck you guys recorded an hour put out the hour don't edit one guy was like the best podcasts don't edit and

you're like that's fine that's what you think I want to put out something that I'm comfortable with and I also don't want people to get sick of me yeah because I think there's an opportunity right now. It's funny, man. This is the thing I'm learning too, is that I can never go to the accolades because I will find what I'm really looking for is the haters. Yeah. So if I go for it, I will find them. And then one guy will say something like that,

and I'll be like, should we make this? Should we not end it? And it what do you know we made a creative decision to do this one thing you know what I started doing that's yeah I'm doing this when I see like if I'll look at stuff and I'll see like a really nice compliment yeah I'll go that's the best it's gonna get yeah I don't I don't stop looking I don't look at it the only thing I look at his tits if I see tits I look well now my question reverts back to you how are you going to control your son's not looking at tits

what if that's in his blood I'm not and all he wants to do is I'm not he's a dude let me tell you something he said to me the other day he goes got a girlfriend

I'm like what he goes when I went over this girl's house you know what I got her I'm like why how he goes I walked over dad I took a picture of her and then I went hey do me a favor rate my girl one to i walked over dad i took a picture of her and then i went hey do me a favor rate my girl one to ten and then i showed her the picture of her he's got lines she

said ten and he was like that's how i got her yeah and you know big jay was talking about you know big jay right i know big jay um he uh you guys were so good together we were great we're still the best we're still great together you guys still great together we're still great on our phone calls that no one else hears oh really that we say that all the time i was on the road one time and we talked for like an hour on the phone he must be hanging up the phone going we should be doing this we did it for eight years all right relax i'm kidding it was a joke jesus christ but by the way my god this brings into the dad shit that i love talking to you about because i see people they'll tag me in tweets or whatever. And they'll be like, Bobby.

All right, we get it. You love your son. And I'm like, I don't think Bobby realizes the bonfire is built on dadless homes. And you being a good dad is like, it's like pouring water onto fire where people are like, Hey, you're supposed to be a shitty dad. And you're like the best dad. I know. I love watching how good of a dad you and lewis are it's funny to me too but i forget that the the bonfire was made on

two stoners being stoners who also have raging dad issues right raging dad issues yeah i feel bad that that show, like people like, the show's going to die. No, it did die. That show is fucking dead. Well, it's not Two Stoners anymore. It's not. It's a whole new show.

So the people that are cool with us are going to stay. Yes. And the people that love that show, it's like no matter how much bitching you're going to do. It's not going to come back. I'm never going to become a pot come back you're i'm never gonna become a pothead fucking dude i'm never gonna become you would be really funny though if just one day

you're like dude i smoke blunts every morning i don't even talk to max anymore i was like yeah oh my god you come in and do a perfect macho man i was like oh yeah i feel bad for those guys though i feel bad for those people because it's like... I know because I think everything's supposed to end. But that's what I know because I've been with Opie and Anthony. I've been, you know, in these situations where the Colin

Quintuff crowd, there was these things where these people were so into this thing and then it ended and they were like, what the fuck? They had a deal with jim and sam but you know what i mean but i think it all comes back no not in a bad way but no no the way you said that was real positive no but they had that fan base had to drop off some state and then they growed from there this is a whole new thing you know well

i think that's also that's part of the same problem of why we're getting sick of oh there's another uh they're doing another star wars movie or they're doing another thing like people can't let stuff die and new stuff be born i know but that's what you have to do yeah i mean and that's like one of the things i want to talk to you about is we've both had moms that have dated while we were kids and had to deal with that. Katie and I have been watching the, we didn't watch the whole season. We've just been watching the last two episodes of The Golden Bachelor.

What is that? It's Bachelor for old women. That's why you and Jay were so good. You watch the same stupid TV. Yeah, that's exactly it. It really is. But the thing we noticed is. Dude, did you see that oldron when she came in exactly that's

exactly it but katie and i do that now we get high we go like does katie get high i can't answer that she does not get it sometimes really dawn used to get high and i wanted to get high again give her some edibles i can't i have that's the mom way i want her to fucking like a little 10 milligram i wanted to get stoned i want to come into the room and like want her to fucking give her like a little 10 milligram I want her to get stoned I want to come into the room and like have her be like Sigourney Weaver and like Ghostbusters 1

just like floating possessed by a demon just no wind coming in yeah she was possessed by a demon yeah I want that you want your wife

to be possessed by a demon I want her to go yeah yeah you go my wife was on the bed three feet above the bed hey don it's just you giving her that talk while she's breathing are you the gatekeeper yeah i love that are you the key master are you the gatekeeper

but what's the question the thing i noticed is like we both watched our moms try did you feel like your mom was trying to give you a better life by dating or did you feel like she was trying to i think my mom was trying to give herself a better life yeah that's how i felt too i think my mom thought that my life our life was good with her she worked a lot she wasn't home the problem with what happened with my mom she had my sister too young was she so your sister is the oldest she had my sister when she was 15 she had me when she was 18 my father and her broke up while he was in vietnam wait your dad was in nam yeah what year were you born 70 you're damn dude what you're old as fuck i look good you do i do 53 you look good good

so your dad's in nam he's got charlie all over the place he's back a little up you think yeah but your mom broke up with him when he was in the i think she yeah something happened i think she cheated on him something weird happened because i never got the thing i got the thing from my dad and i got the thing from my mom so i never got the story oh yeah that's you know what's crazy is that's a big similarity that we have yeah i only heard my dad and his family talk shit about my mom yeah i only heard my mom and her family talk shit about my dad somewhere so you don't know the real story yeah you know it's the only time i made alan cry you made alan cry yeah kidding i do it all the time damn it i was really hoping i was gonna do it four times i know you got four i got two i got four i got two but i remember them

but we were going um my grandma was turning 90 and my mom it's not even her mom it's my dad's mom but she's the only grandparent alive my mom was like i'll help you with her birthday party so i flew my mom out to san Francisco. You know, I picked her up. We were driving to my grandma's and we were going by her old apartment in Marin. And I was like, you want to go see Grant Nana's like old apartment. And my mom was like, Oh my God, I haven't been there since like 78. And I was like, Oh, let's drive down. So we're driving down there. And my mom like got my mom got emotional on Sir Francis Drake, which is like the main road off the highway.

As we turned down it, my mom was like, the last time I was driving down this street, going to this apartment, I was with your father. And I was so in love with him. And she started getting emotional. And I was telling Alan, that's the only time in my life I've ever seen my parents be in love. That was the only time in my life. But it's the only time in my life I've ever seen my parents be in love. That was the only time in my life.

But it's the only time in my life I've ever, the only time in my life I've ever seen my mom. That's such a sad thing. It's the only time in my life I've ever seen my mom love, be like, oh, I'm in love with your dad. Because the rest, just like you, growing up, they're like, fuck him.

Guy fucking sucks. Well, I didn't think that about my dad. Was he around when you were a kid? He wasn't around when I was young. Then my mom remarried to this guy who was a fucking douche. So you got the piece of shit first. I got the piece of shit kindergarten to fifth grade. Fuck, five years.

And that was the five years of just physical, mental abuse. Abuse, yeah, he just abused the hell out of you. He punched you and hit you and whacked you and stupid, fatty stupid fatty stupid idiot and would your dad ever come around in those years well i remember i you know i have all these bad memories man and i remember crying being so fucking sad and i'm like i want to move out and my mother went i want to go live with my dad because he had just come over he would come over and pick me up once in a while take me to lunch or take me somewhere and how sick was that because whatever i don't know if you felt this way whenever you're with your dad out of your own home where sucks you're like oh the realm of possibilities is endless it's crazy he you think your dad's

like it's kind of cool because it's like the same pop kramer got in seinfeld when he'd come in the door and everyone's like wow and he also yelled the n-word but you'd come in and you'd be like you'd be like excited well my dad was cool as so was mine my dad was funny as hell he said chapstick he had my lips oh damn this those are genetic and he would just be like what's up let's go see my dad leather jacket faunzy leather jacket my dad had a bomber jacket yeah my dad would smoke cigarettes my dad smoked too we'd always get in his bug he had a yellow bug and he'd pop a red in right and he'd jimmy the window down but i always remember he'd do like he'd be talking and he'd light his cigarette and he'd be like so how's school going you know and he'd be like and then that first and i'd watch the smoke come out of his nose and his mouth and

catch yeah my dad would come over a leather jacket how you doing kathy very cool how you and then that first, and I'd watch the smoke come out of his nose and his mouth and catch. Yeah, my dad would come over, leather jacket. How you doing, Kathy? Very cool. How you doing, Kathy? Bobby, let's go. We get in the car.

What about your sister? And he would never take, he would take us separately. Really? And then he would pop a cigarette in and he would take his chapstick first, do his lips, and they were wet.

Like, I mean, sexy wet, though. Like LL Cool J wet? Yeah, and he would go, and then he would pop a cigarette. Like, we're going to go for lunch. Just cool as shit. Why did he take your... So one night, let me just tell the story. One night he was...

I said, I want to go live with my father. Oh, that's the classic. I'm dying crying. Yeah. Like, I'm dying. You make it like a weird wheeze noise. She went... I'm not fucking queer. She went... i'm done you're making like a weird wheeze noise

she went i'm not queer she went i don't know i'm sorry your dad's putting on lip gloss before he smokes a cigarette it's a goddamn man and it was chapstick yeah was it this was his word lip don't you touch the whole story don't talk about steve it's steve dude steve kelly what a boston name. Fucking Steve Kelly. She goes like this. She goes, and she knew, which is sucky, but she knew.

She goes, call him. Oh, God damn it. And she went like this. Bum, bum. Your son wants to live with you and sit here. And she knew. Dude.

Fuck. It's crazy. It's crazy you say that. Why? Trish played that same hand. Really? That same exact hand where I go,

I want to live with dad. She goes, you want to live with dad she goes you want to live with dad okay oh go live with dad yeah one time I told her I was gonna run away I was like I'm gonna run away my mom didn't say anything she got up went to the coat closet grabbed my winter jacket it was like December opened the door threw the jacket out the thing she goes go ahead how old 11 wow and i was like what i didn't mean it you have to like pull it back you're like damn bitch i don't know i was like kind of just like joking i ran away you did i ran away in third grade so you're eight years old yeah third grade ran away what i was crying at a bus stop because the guy was such an

abusive piece of shit yeah crying here's the thing i know about this hot chick when what are you what's wrong with you and i and i and she i told her i ran away and i have nowhere to go dude i was fucking terrified this hot little she probably had to be like teenager walked me to my house and opened it my mother was like oh my god thank you so much grabbed me hugged me holding me i went oh mom i love you so much she went i love you too and i remember i was this moment of oh my god and i was under the table i remember this glass table and i was just happy that my my mother said i love you Did she not say it a lot But she's on the phone

No Irish Catholic Then she goes She's on the phone With her girlfriend And I goes And I heard her And she's like

Yeah and he came home And then you know He grabbed me And he goes Oh mom I love you so much And she went Ha ha ha

Started laughing Dude I started crying again I went to my room Never told her that by the way she's never know that story i look back now and she was just it was you know she was probably doing because it was cute whoa she fucking 23 she's 23 my mom had me when she was 35 so my mom i was like yeah my mom my mom was like my mom was like nick nolte in another 48 hours she was over

it she's like hell, I don't know. Go play with your toys. She had been through shit. My mom had been paralyzed and then back to life again. And then I showed up and I'm like, can I go watch wrestling? And she's like, why did I let that bartender come in me? But it really was. Dude, my mom got laid in a bush when she was 15.

She had my sister when she was 15. Think about a 15 year old. That's five years older than Max. So, that is fucking nuts. So, your dad never took you both out together? He told, no, once in a while, but we didn't get along. Why did he? Because he wanted one-on-one time?

Me and my sister kind of separated at that point because we were both trying to survive this middle guy. Yeah. The stepdad. And he used to abuse her too. So, we kind of just went on point because we were both trying to survive this middle guy. Yeah. The stepdad. And he used to abuse her too. So we kind of just went on our own. What got him out of there? My mother divorced him.

Why? Because he was an abusive piece of shit. But why did it take five years? Did she not know the abuse was happening? You just didn't do that back then. You know what I mean? You worked it out. You figured it out.

You're Irish Catholic. It's a sin. It's like, you know what I mean? You worked it out. You figured it out. You're Irish Catholic. It's a sin. It's like, you know what I mean? You had kids when you were too young. She had to go to a house, like a Catholic home. Oh, she went to like an unwed mother home? You can't. Back then, you couldn't.

When you went to the hospital, if you had a kid, you couldn't go. Doug, what are you talking about? My mom was excommunicated from being Catholic because she got divorced from her first husband. Yeah. She got married in college, and then she was like, this was a huge mistake. And mistake and she's like i want to get divorced and her parents were like you can't come to our church anymore yeah you're excommunicated yeah so she married my dad who didn't give a fuck about religion and he was episcopalian which allows divorce because of the king of england that's the reason he created it was so he could get divorced i love religious like that they cater to themselves that's what it is if you look up episcopalians they it's catholicism with divorce that's all it

is so my mom was like not allowed to go to the same church as her family because she got my mom my mom when she dumped that guy i think how can i tell you something? This is all coming together now. Let it out. I think she was working at the Grossman's Bargain Outlet, and I believe she had met somebody. That's what it is. That new dick. Hang on. Yeah, she got some new dick. That new dick.

She was like, hold on. Also, I just remembered, oh, that guy hits my kids. It's like, aha, dude. And she goes. It's going to work out. Oh, also, she's just grabbing for reasons to leave him she goes

you know what I just remembered this he fucking beats the shit out of my kids I should probably leave him he punched me in the stomach a few times and Rob at the

Rob at the store is nice to me he helped me down in front of Bobby and had sex with me holy shit Jesus Christ the fact that you are

who you are I just want to say this as we touch fingertips the fact you are who you are is so. I just want to say this as we touch fingertips. The fact you are who you are is so goddamn impressive. I hope this is the podcast that Max sees first and goes like, my dad went through a lot of shit to be this great dad. Well, we'll see. Bonfire fans are going to go, shut up.

We get it. You love your son because we all have the same hole. Yeah, but you need to fucking move on. I know. They need to move on. I know. I get it. Paul, I'm so sorry. Brother, I you need to fucking move on. I know. They need to move on. I know. I get it. Paul, I'm so sorry.

Brother, I get it. So sorry, baby. When he divorced, when your mom, how did she? She hooked up with Larry, who was married, who became my second stepdad. Who was great. Who was the best. He was the one that passed away like five years ago. He passed away. But he was great. You loved him. That was the one that passed away like five years ago passed away he

had but he was great you loved him that was the love of her life and you love love of her life really and i loved him too and great he was just and i say this and my mother gets mad couple years too late for me because i already started using drugs i already started i already went and tried to found a i found a family and friends in alcohol and drugs. For sure. Because I didn't have anybody. So I went and I found it. Yeah. And he came in as I was passing him.

So I'm like. So it took you until your adult years to appreciate. Around 11, 12, 13, around 30, I passed him going just in that bad direction. Yeah. And I found those friends and I found drugs. Right as he stepped in, I was like, hey, man, what's up? And we hung out a couple times. I was like, man, I really like this guy, but I was already gone.

You're on the streets. And it sucks. You belong to the streets. I wouldn't have been a comic. I would be probably into some type of manly construction thing or own my own. You'd be a contractor. Something like that. I would not have done this.

Yeah, there is that that moment which is interesting because i think for us it's switched because my mom married nick who was the best yeah and nick was like sweet he was he was he was like quiet but well read yeah he built shit yep he was like a man he was big he's like six five. Yeah Larry the same thing Frank Sinatra The old roast, you know, he'd trick you. Hey, what are you doing? Can you give me hand you make sure and then seven hours later you built the deck in the backyard Look at this Nick would Nick would just be like He let me watch wrestling. He'd never like push back about stuff. I liked he'd be like

Oh, he would like if a movie was too scary for me he would like tell me about the movie really while we were like driving places in a way where you're like he was protective but in like a good way yeah and then him and my mom divorced and then she married this and she didn't marry him but then she moved into and then from 12 to 16. oh so you did after we flipped flipped. Me and you had the reverse thing. I had the shithead, and that's what pushed me to start getting fucked up. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Because once Joe was there, Joe was a prick.

Where's Joe now? Fucking now. Who gives a shit? Oh, you don't see Joe? No. They broke up when I was 16. Oh, good. I wanted to fight him.

Much like you probably wanted to fight your stepdad. People don't understand that kind of heat. I chased him with a hatchet. Damn. were you i was in fifth grade 10 year old with a hatchet i was 10. honestly i don't as a grown man 10 year old with a hatchet i ain't worried about you buddy you should all you have to do is focus on the hatchet i chased him with a knife first okay and i he ran because i was trying to I was fucking trying to stick him and my mother what made you grab the knife I don't know but I know that it was he he did something to me again he oh yeah I know what it was but he pushed it too far he wanted me to do I had to rake leaves in the backyard and I was like it's so funny how many times chores lead to abuse and yeah I was like it's vacuuming for me oh yeah it was vac it's like your mother

made you vacuum dude i had to do everything when i was a kid really i cleaned the bathrooms i emptied the trash i vacuumed i mowed the lawn yeah i picked up the dog i cleaned the cat box i didn't even like the cat i had to clean the cat box yeah he made me do a lot of yeah and uh that's where i got that joke i used to have a joke in my act i used to say uh raking leaves what if i can rake leaves you know god named him leave leave him there i'm glad that joke hang on one second it gets worse if god named him pick me ups i'd pick them all up uh he came the season's called fell no the season's called fall all the leaves are falling i r rake the there again. Come on, then the season's called Fell.

All the leaves fell. I do this once. This shit sucks. You're upsetting me. The guy stole the joke from me. The guy stole that from you? Yeah. It's a good joke.

It's not a good joke. Back in the day, it was. Yeah, fucking what? Evening at the Improv in 1989? Yeah, that's what it was, yeah. You roll up your sleeves in front of a fucking brick 97 yeah you're in front of a brick wall and you're like you know it's pretty crazy colin had one of my favorite jokes in 2008 about john mccain yeah he goes i don't know i don't

trust the guy i don't trust john mccain he smiles like a father that's about to turn violent and he goes call that raking the leaves and he did it in the smile i was like but yeah chores lead to abuse yeah that's what happened some chore shit and then we got into it and i chased him with a knife my mom grabbed me and he when she grabbed me he goes go ahead and i just went and he pulled back because he realized i was going to kill him and then i got a hatchet when we were out in the back i would hear me doing chores and i picked the hatchet up and i kind of went like that out of any ran a little Any moment this guy doesn't go like hey, maybe I should lighten up on the abuse

at any moment he goes, you know the kids turning into fucking Gage from Pet Sematary wasn't maybe that's what did he have kids of his own? No, I don't know Maybe later never knew what happened. So We this shithead yeah what's the moment of relief what's the moment where he's like where your mom's like hey it was worse worse it was it was an explosion we moved in we went from having a house having all kinds of money he had money did well yeah he had money there it is he had a Monte Carlo two-door with t-top spoke wheels that's the most Boston shit you've ever said in your life.

Oh, he used to make me... Fucking, fucking... Dude, I mean, awesome. Yeah. I had Atari, all kinds of shit. So you had the nice life, but the hell of dealing with him. Yeah, then when we moved out, we had nothing. We had no money, no nothing.

She worked seven days a week, and that's when I started using fucking drugs. Because, yeah, you had no money no nothing she worked seven days a week and that's when i started using drugs because yeah you had no one there to nobody but you had larry come in larry came in too late yeah as you said you missed i mean what was the last day of living with do you remember like the the yeah do you remember like we got to get our stuff and get out of this guy's big house yeah i do barely but i do well he bought the this is what a piece of he is he bought the atari oh you've told me this story before the atari to keep you guys he came in he was playing he's like oh i got the attorney want to play he was sitting there he told me this story before me and my sister like don't mom don't leave him don't leave him he's got atari and he kind of sucked us back on

and aside and my mother went pocket she took the interview you know motherfucker how dare you try to turn my kids yeah whoa leave the atari alone yeah yeah so i tell you stephanie you go he tried to use atari that's uh advanced japanese technology he didn't like us he really liked my mom though. He didn't like us. He really liked my mom. But he just hated you. My mom was fucking a smoke show. And he just hated her. My hot wife and her two dumb fucking kids. Well, yeah, that hurts. But yep.

That is exactly probably what he said. Yeah, that hurts my feelings. That's how it was with Joe. Yeah. He like, he wanted to party with my mom. And he hated the fact that I was around being like, hey, I need parenting. It's just a big headed kid being like,

are the 49ers on? And also he was my godfather. Really? Yeah, dude. Oh yeah. He hated my dad. Him and my mom would get drunk and trash my dad.

Yeah. And I'd be like, Oh, I don't know. He's kind of a good guy. But the day he moved out was the day my sister got killed in the car accident. It was the day after my sister. It was the day I found out my sister was dead.

It was the day he was moving out. And I just remember him holding a box going, sorry about your sister. And I just found out. I was sitting on the couch and I was like, yeah, Joe. I just gave like. Jesus Christ. All right, Joe. Bye.

What was your sister's name again? Michelle. Michelle. Yeah. I just gave like Jesus Christ alright Joe bye what was your sister's name again Michelle Michelle yeah and so it was one of those things where like for you it was the same it was great

you were getting out of the life but it was shitty that you lost all the money and the nice house and all this stuff lost it all you know and then

and then every I mean everything fell apart for a long time but then you know sober getting my shit together and then getting kind of the family back you know and it sucked that he passed away young because it my mom up but it's funny i went over the house my who died young larry larry oh yeah he died five years

ago from sepsis really fast sucks damn and it sucks for my mom i didn't realize your mom was that young so they're in their 60s 60s yeah so damn but we went over the house last week with um you know me max dawn my younger sister and her boyfriend and her son now it's her is your house now is your younger sister larry's daughter with you yeah that's sick and my younger brother is like yeah andrew and karen yeah i've met your brother and so i went over there my sister was there my uncle sean was there my my little sister so max only knows this is a good family it's like a loving yeah he's my max has got 50 cousins yeah so he's got a lot of love in that yeah we just don't live there but does he know about this the he stepped at it all does he know he when are you going to tell him those i'm not gonna he doesn't need to he's gonna

watch this yeah you're hearing on youtube you're gonna hear my voice come through the wall and be like does max ever watch this the only way he's gonna see this if i do it with fluffy that's the only guy he likes that's so funny he doesn't like any of you yeah yeah well i'm trying to think of what my i'm fluffy coulders yeah yeah well yeah i'm trying to think of what my i'm fluffy could be i'm big-headed i'm trying to think how i can get in there i mean yeah the the thing is and you're gonna it's gonna be hard over the next couple years because he's going to be listening to the hard part is is that i hope that he doesn't like you know because we all have haters yeah that's that's so it's like in fact i heard

burn an interview one time say 80 20 80 percent of people love you that's where you want yeah oh yeah 80 percent of people love you 20 percent of people dislike you sure that's a great number that's where it is because if you're 100 you're pandering if you're 100 if you're 90 it's gonna crash yeah 80 it's like a viable here's here's the percent 100 of people 80 of people like me sure yeah yeah you have to be comfortable with that but the one thing that these these people don't understand is we're not trying to do anything other than make them have a laugh i genuinely you know what i mean that's all comedians what we're trying to do the entire point of me doing this podcast is for people to listen

to this on their way to work sure where it's two buddies bullshitting yeah honestly this is a time kill and i hope it's a good conversation for someone to listen to this and be like i like bobby and dan i want to hear him talk about this yeah maybe they have somewhere along the line though people decided to go oh this sucks that stinks he's a fucking she's a fucking yeah and it's also you know what yeah let him have it you know i do that with i do that with i do that with uh i do that with like wrestling yeah i do that with like shit that i like bands where i'll be like i don't like that i like that yeah but you've never contacted somebody i made that joke one time to shane

we were playing madden yeah and i threw an interception with like i think it was cam new Newton on the Panthers, and I was like I'm gonna go tweeted him that I hate him Did you joking and Shane goes people do that? And I was like that's but they do they do do that they do like dude I've watched people tweet at the president like that's gonna fuck he's a moron all of them are all politicians are morons Right left way a political good luck finding me. I'm a political. All politicians are morons. Left wing. Right. Left wing. I'm apolitical. Good luck finding me. I'm apolitical.

I don't believe in any of it. None of it? You don't believe in anything? No, I've learned that it's all. You don't believe in America? They're all friends. You don't like America? Trump was at Clinton's wedding.

Say it. How does that feel? Say it. Trump was at Clinton. You hate the troops. What? You hate the troops. Dude, you hate.

When you said. You hate the flag. You hate the colors. I love it you said when they came back you hate the colors i love it you look i wish they were purple and green no you said it i love red light blue you said you go if i have to give if i have to give another one of these loser vets a dollar on the street i saw you punch an eagle for i would never do it fucking punch an eagle in the face i want to tell you i appreciate you creating a core memory of hatred for max and missing his recital dude i missed my son's recital to be here tonight it's a banger of an episode though

i fucking edit this thing down into a fucking toy 35 to 40 a tight eight and a half minutes i love you so much it's gonna be i love you too but i can't tell you how much i appreciate everything you've done for me from you know what dude from i mean the fact that you know we've we've we've done this several times on different podcasts but i i truly love you i love you too buddy and i i can't tell you how much it means to me you double booked yourself on the podcast yeah and this is the honest to god truth i've never heard someone legitimately regret doing that

and you were like dude let's find a time to do it I'll come over after the bonfire did it and you did you missed your

son's recital that was a little much you're one of my favorite people in the world always from the day I met you

and I can't tell you how much it means to me that you got sick of the bonfire and left so I could have that job

get you a sick check. Get you a sick check. Put those handcuffs on me, motherfucker. Robert Kelly Live. I love Big Jay. Oh, yeah. Let's look at open, let's look at gaping asshole porn. Yeah, Jason. We got the show we always wanted.

Robert Kelly Live.com. I have said this and I will always say this. I've never seen someone kill as hard as you. You're one of my favorite people to watch do stand-up comedy. Go watch Bobby, Robert Kelly Alive. Listen to The Bonfire. Listen to, you know what, dude? Listen to The Regs.

The Regs is killing it. Listen to The Regs. Yeah. Listen to Bone to Pick. Bone to Pick's killing it. You're the fucking best. You're the best. Thank you for coming over to my house.

You're one of the most talented fucking guys out there. And I can't wait to see what all this leads to. I love you. Thank you for coming over to my house. You're one of the most talented fucking guys out there and I can't wait to see what all this leads to. I love you. And every time this fucking magician... I know. I got the secret sauce, dog. You got the secret sauce.

I got a guy dressed up like an AIDS quilt. He's going to cut this up. You really have Jim Henson doing... He's just got his hand up my ass and I'm going everything this fucking dude touches turns to gold thanks for coming over fuck those stepdads you