Soder - Front Desk Energy with Shane Gillis | Soder Podcast | EP 16

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

This episode Dan is joined by comedian Shane Gillis! They talk being young in football and the pain of losing. Going through awkward phases in life. Video games are powerful on the mind, Shane fights an eye twitch AND MORE. Dan's new special hits youtube Friday at 10am est. SHOW SOME LOVE. PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour Thu, FEB 29, 2024 - San Antonio,TX Feb 22-24 Cleveland,OH Feb 29 San Antonio,TX MAR 1 & 2nd, 2024 - Comedy Mothership - Austin,TX March 8-9 Cincinnati,OH March 10 Lexington,KY March 28-30 Nashville,TN April 12-13 Omaha,NE April 19-21 Washington,DC May 31st - June 1 Columbus,OH Follow Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

yeah watches are you a watch guy were you ever a watch guy never in my life in your whole life no you got you know what you got good wrists i have no i have thin wrists i have little hold on oh my god you do not as bad as mine though look when you when i do mine like look how much room i have and then yours is yeah but i'm small hands too little tiny hands yeah but you got great for fucking pass bro it's in there yeah grab the uh that's why children worked on machines it really is they're little small fingers under your shoulder which by the way they're doing now did you know that child labor's back baby in a not in america no i swear to god and like all these like cereals, all the cereals we love,

we're just having kids box them up and do the boxes and stuff. They're just taking immigrant kids, and these people take immigrants in, being like, we're going to take care of them. And then they're like, you work at the cereal factory. In Buffalo, next to Helium. Yeah, dude. Well, I always say that.

Whenever I work there, I go, where the great Count Chocula fire of 79 happened. It took my dad. It took my dad in that cereal factory. You know what I've never asked you as a friend? Old, dirty socks. Dude, that's what I do. Look at this.

Look at these. Look at this. This one's wearing through. I should wear shoes. Nah, dude. White boys in socks. That's our lingerie. All right.

Are we on? Yeah, dude. We don't have like a proper start just making sure oh you don't say anything crazy no you're gonna let it rip i don't say things you gotta do your anything you gotta do your n-word warm-ups hold on let me do my wind sprints dude i really do feel like why are we in socks this is do you want to put on shoes no don't touch me with your fucking sock feet also i haven't had i haven't been home all these there's all dirty yeah dude this is one yeah you're on your bob seger lived in clothes and here i am did you but you had a nice hotel you can give them laundry have you ever done hotel laundry nine thousand dollars did you get that bill and you're like what the fuck did you make me a new shirt i got a salad But you had a nice hotel. You can give them laundry. Have you ever done hotel laundry? Yeah, it's $9,000. Dude, you get that bill and you're like, what the fuck?

Did you make me a new shirt? I got a salad and a water at the hotel today. $77. That's insane. The bottle of water was $15. That's insane. I was in Spokane, Washington at the club. They put you at a nice hotel.

And I got food from there and it gave me food poisoning nice like really bad and then I did the I did the white bitchy thing where I tried to call downstairs and be like just so you know I'm sick I'd like to talk to a manager I'm not feeling well but I really was giving them that like and just so you know the last day has not been cool because of your salad and they were like i don't give a fuck who gives a fuck yeah when someone checks you on that yeah it really takes you back and you go like i should shut the fuck up i really should call to the front desk because you have an upset stomach dude i was shitting violently and puking and then when it subsided i called and i went like you guys put me in a really bad place. Something's wrong. The Caesar salad really fucked me up.

You know what I've never asked you just as a friend? What phases have you had? Because you played football. That technically could be considered a phase. It's like your jock phase. But in middle school, did you have like a skater phase? Or like I had a poser phase i had uh it was always sports always a while i thought i was really good at basketball oh man

which is really funny did you bring a ball around everywhere uh what was that what was that phase it was like it was like when you get slam magazines carter's you know like yeah that yeah that was unbelievable range i was like vince Vince Carter was the first guy that everyone was like, he's Michael Jordan, too. So he hyped so many people. So when you were, did you think it was number 15? Yeah, I think it might have been his number, too. Were you into the Raptors for no reason? Yeah, the Raptors were big for everybody.

When I was a kid, Jurassic Park and the Raptors. Oh, my God. I love Raptors. I just said this recently recently but it timed out when i was 10 years old my dino phase jurassic park came out the week of my birthday and you know when you have uh when you have a summer birthday you're kind of fucked you have a december birthday so you got the in-class party i got the flu every single year on my birthday what i don't know i guess december's yeah but you never got to have like a great sick every year but that kind of does rule if you get

sick and you don't have to go to school yeah because then you're like i get birthday at home but when you're young i get birthday at home birthday at school birthday school rules you're a celebrity yeah that was your first taste of celebrity yeah it was going in being like someone's nine it's december 11th it's shame day it's shame did you have somebody else has the same days or they try to co-op yours and they go like well my birthday is on saturday and yours is it's friday so we're just gonna have yeah we're not playing that shit we don't split this what kind of socialist celebration is this did you ever bring in treats from your mom i don't think that was always the biggest thing is if your birthday was during the school year you brought in treats for

everybody we all got to eat everybody's up i was everybody's eating what good is first class if my bros can't sit you know what i mean mean? Yeah. If I'm not bringing football-themed cupcakes, you absolutely. I could see you bringing sports-themed cupcakes for your birthday, and you're like, hey, this one's pretty cool. I just did a bad job of communicating from school to home. Yeah. So I would always forget. Most boys did.

Never got permission to slip sign. Did you ever forge it? No, I was a good kid. You were? Yeah, I was a good boy. I was a nice little boy i forged only twice i did some fucking rotten shit when i was in like middle school scoundrel you are rotten i was a rotten little kid dude my mom had this thing where she was like if you don't

get a 3.0 in high school no license and you're grounded until you get your your gpa you gotta forge that dude we went to my friend's house who had a scanner and we scanned the report card gave myself a three five it was it was midterm report card so it didn't really count that's pretty smart though but i was like and my mom was like this she watches this this will be the first time she finds out about you're really doing something this kid's gonna be something she goes i told you that screaming at you incessantly would work it worked it just made you a little piece of shit i gave you the joe jackson treatment i just yelled at you until you were great you got a three five in high school you're a fucking genius you're not you're not going to some state school um but basketball phase what was that when you were young like young yeah i was hockey phase for a

while dude i wanted to be so let me ask you something goalie yeah you'd be great goalie i thought i was but i was terrible you know what you're a great goalie in in a disney movie yeah yeah you got goldberg energy you could go like you do this a lot guys when they're all skating away from you on their rollerblades you go guys come back um did any of these here's just my question because this is what i went through did any of those phases line up with video games so like nhl 94 comes out right nhl was yes you would think in in sixth grade nhl 94 came out and i was just telling everyone how big of a hockey fan I was.

Knew nothing about it. Only played the game. Yeah. I'm wondering if it times out in our lives we're like video games. Video games for sure. I still like Manchester United. Like I watch soccer. Because of FIFA.

Because of FIFA, yeah. That's how you get to it. Video games get you. I wonder if people in the UK get into the NFL through Madden. Like they play Madden and they're like, oh, I fuck with the Colts. Maybe, but soccer is so much easier to pick up and understand right away. Yeah, because it's just like kick it, put it in the goal. Football, you're like explaining pass interference to a guy.

A Welsh. You're not going to expect the draw. You know, draws are popular. Or third and 15, you can run a draw. Third and 15 is nice. That's an old Mike Shanahan move. Screen or a draw. Yeah.

Just bring everyone out, have them play back, and make them play up. But I wonder if a Scottish guy is like, I got into the NFL through playing Madden. I love the Broncos. Just like some random team. Because that's how FIFA is over here. The best export for soccer is FIFA for us. For sure.

Because it gets you in. Yeah. Do you still play every year? Yeah. You're probably nasty, right? I'm pretty fucking good. I've been playing for 20 years. Dude.

I fucking hate. I'm pretty good. Our friend Dez, I'll play him in Madden online. Yeah. And he plays Madden consistently. Yeah, he's nasty. Like I haven't. And he does these passes.

Yeah, he knows all the cheap plays. Thank you. Yeah.'t and he does these passes yeah he knows all the cheat plays thank you yeah dude he beat me so bad last time i started getting pissy and i go like this i just don't have the time to i don't have the time to commit to this game and like he's got a family yeah he's got a full family full time real job like he's got less time than you all we have is time oh yeah and i was being it was like busy i was giving him front desk energy from getting food poisoning where i go yeah i don't know it's just like you're cheating and if you're seeing you handle video games it's not well i quit the first time we met yeah we met in at helium in philly i that was when i was bringing the ps4 around and i was like

you're like i'm playing mad and i was like i'm i'll come fuck you up if you want but you got the first one i got the first two major ass quit third game you made me quit made his ass quit that's because you put you i was up like the broncos playbook was trash hit you with an outside kick and after i'm you sean payton me sean payton me at that super it made me so mad he was up 21 and I go let's just play another game like we're running out of time

and you go for the rest of our friendship you kept going you quit you made your ass quit then you gotta take the whooping I did take I got whooped

you gotta did we ever play against each other in NCAA yeah you beat me when I was in that league during the pandemic oh that was fun

that was the most nervous I've ever been for a video game i would i would have to go it was it was guys used to coach yeah yeah little kids used to coach and i got an underage and had to do community service so i coached i love that yeah you're like that keanu reeves movie where he teaches black kids baseball that's you but he shane was like all right these guys they're like young they were like we were in an online dynasty back then they were all in eighth grade i was like out of college and i was running the score up wait really that's how young they were i thought they were at least like sophomores in high school they're in eighth grade not just killing it dude today they believe i was cheating. Well, what's funny is, because there's no chat on Xbox Live,

or it wasn't convenient. Damn, I forgot you were in the online dynasty. Yeah, and you would call, you would call and get on the, and I don't know these guys. The first time I talked to them would be when they would text me their number in the group chat.

And I'd call these guys. I picked Arizona. Big mistake. Crazy move. Crazy move. The offense was really good. This is from... me their number because in the group chat and i'd call these guys i picked arizona big mistake crazy move crazy move the offense was really good this is from damn i forgot how serious you took it too like this year's where it's a down year we're rebuilding i would do that thing i would do the excuse i always do when i lose well yeah you were a shitty team but i was arizona but they had a good offense so i would stay in the game i could just never close it out. I lost every game by 7 to 10 points. I was cheering for you, too.

I knew how much you wanted it. I wanted one. I wanted one win over a human. I won against the computer on every, because we played on Heisman against the computer. What's better than a pandemic online dynasty? That was the best. I'll tell you right now.

I would take Myrtle for a walk and kind of dream up little scenarios. Schemes. Schemes. I would call up and be like up and be like i lost in the championship that year who were you i forget you weren't notre dame no were you oregon state tennessee no you were in tennessee cc impact 12 yeah because i was arizona that's i packed it was the where i was usc no you weren't usc you were it was someone i think it was someone in the sec maybe you might have been tennessee auburn that's what it was dude what's funny is it would you'd see the schedule because we did custom schedules so you would play each other and you would like i'd get two wins and i'd be like dude this running back's kind of sick and then one of your boys would be on it i'd be like oh i'd be like

getting ready to call them dude it felt nervous i felt like a first date are you going to be home at 6 p.m so we can get the other one i'm doing bonfire until eight but then i'll and then like i would go smoke a bowl and take myrtle for a walk and be like let's go cats let's go cats giving myself speeches on a walk through new jersey where i'm like this is everything you fucking wanted we got to do that with the new one yeah oh my god how excited it's gonna be i can't wait do you and that's what i'm done yesterday you said we're done when it comes out i'm done i'm tired follow it on paper and they go like dude snl this guy's at the top what what's the drop yeah that's to be my Chappelle going to Africa.

Yeah. NCAA comes out. I'm going home. And then it's just you doing long sets talking about NCAA. You go, you know that goes into a lot into recruiting, but sometimes somebody will sign with a rival. I wonder how they do it. Do you think they're doing it?

You said that you read they're not doing it the same as Madden. And for those of you that don't care about NCAAcaa college football fuck off politely for 10 minutes yeah this is a big deal for us it's a huge deal it's still real to me damn it it's still real to me i explained it to mullen mullen had never seen that clip when i was telling him i was like take it easy buddy that's my favorite he goes all right take it easy buddy it's just what you guys have done with your bodies it's still real to me damn it dude i've had an eye twitch for two weeks now oh you think you've been under some stretch yes it's not going away does it is it the top eyelid no it's on the side right here it goes

i used to get that on my eyelid and it would tweak out you'll be fine by austin you'll be fine after radio city you'll calm down i was talking to molly the lady on snl yeah i told her about it the day before i was like this fucking eye twitch is not going away and then right before we went live she was like how's the eye twitch and i was like fuck i forgot about it it's like it's saturday night and you're like, with your host, Twitchy I. You come out, you're like, hey, everyone. How's it going? After basketball phase, so it went hockey, basketball, football is life. The rest is just details? Yeah, it was football is life.

Was it weird getting out of the, because your football phase, here's the thing. Yeah, that was when I got into stand-up. As someone that sucked at football, pretty easy to get out of. Orange Peel story is still top five, dude. It makes me laugh every time. Have you told it on here? I don't think I've told it ever on a podcast. I love it, dude.

Gary Payne. It's one of my best friend's favorite moments, I think, from high school. Yeah. We were playing, it was my... Hold on, what was the game you guys lost? What was the score? When I was in middle school,

dude, I've been on some terrible teams. Wasn't there one that was like 116 to zero when i was in sixth grade shout out tom mcdonough shout out kurt dooley 116 to not shout out greg man our wide receiver we played the warriors like a life-changing loss dude what's funny is humbling thing i've ever heard to watch your mom as a little boy raised by a mom to watch your mom acknowledge that you're not good at sports in a moment just to go like ah what do you want you're funny it's only 16 to nothing dude parents were you know you know the simpsons thing stop stop he's dead yeah parents on our sideline were doing that yeah where they're going like to the rest of the dog all right all right and the ref goes we have to for the game to count yeah we gotta run through the

whole thing dude it was like 70 to nothing at halftime and they were still thrown in the second half awesome the worst ass whooping i've ever been a person and i've been in fights but that was the worst ass whooping i've ever had in my life that sucks it made me they hit hard too were you guys getting like laid out? Dude, here's the thing. They put me on the line. I had zero business being an O-lineman. I was just tall and gangly.

And this kid would just, this little fatso would just drive his head into my solar plex and just push me back into people. So I'd make noises like this when I'd get hit from, like a running back would run into me. I'd be like, ah! He would like squeeze noise out of me because i was just getting absolutely body dude tall lanky kid short fat kid just pushing me oh i was on skates i was on skates the whole game he had you on skates

whole the whole game and then i'm like i just love football so much and you probably had teammates like this you just had you just had a kid that loved football that he knew he wasn't good yeah but he just liked being a part of it that was me i abs i was like yeah i just on kickoff team throw my body yeah i wasn't like that's fun yeah you're just like i'll just run into someone yeah your locker room i'm a glue guy you are dude i told him about the locker room guy so with my junior year uh i was on i didn't play my senior year. My junior year, I was on varsity and I was a backup linebacker. So I just never played. And my best friend, one of my best friends, Danny Garapay, shout out Garapay.

He was our, he was our captain. He was like, let's go guys. Like he was that guy, right? Yeah. He got injured like the third game game i think like blew his hamstring out he's out we're playing cherry creek they're very good they're like top five team in the state every year john elway jack elway went there like nice all the top kids went there valor where christian mccaffrey went wasn't open yet so all those kids that would have gone to valor went to

creek they were good they were up 42 to nothing at half at half beating the shit out of us anyone that's played high school football knows they pass around a bag of oranges so people can eat oranges to i don't know if it stops muscles getting pulled who knows gives you energy but they give out oranges soccer games all the way to high school football games i never i don't think we got high school football. You never got bags of oranges? No, but we were never down 42-0. At half. You guys are a little kid soccer team.

Everybody getting orange. We really should have had a name like a little kid soccer team. If your team's that bad. You're ladybugs. Where it's like, I'm bringing in a girl to play football for you guys. If your football team is that bad, there should be an ordinance in high school football where they can change your mascot for the season where they're like

a buffalo would never get killed this bad you're the unicorns you're the ponies so halftime of us first creek we're down 42 to nothing my coach is giving this speech where he's like we gotta fight yeah we're down but it's character now do you have the character to go out there and play like it's zero to zero and he's giving this speech and then another one of those coaches goes hey where's the bag of oranges and garibay's like sitting in his street clothes like listening to coach and he looks over at me and i just looked at him and i smiled and i had an orange peel in my mouth because i was just sitting on the bag or i was munching oranges the whole halftime a backup linebacker just i ate a whole i ate probably two whole oranges at halftime but he looked over and

like where's the orange i was like like that and dude he lost it and gary pay laughed so hard it was nice it was the hardest i got someone to laugh in a situation where they shouldn't have been laughing yeah he was like dude and they're like garrett pay you know because he's like a captain he's like a letterman jacket and jeans like yeah he has jersey and tucked into his jeans here we go number 51 and then i just looked over i was like with my cowboy collar i was like oh dude down 40 down 42 to nothing just getting fucking crushed we got crushed because you were on a good team uh we yeah we were good they went to the playoffs no we my senior year we blew it really we're five and five we were my i wasn't on the team but my team went five and five which made me feel like i sucked

even more we're pre-season top 10 in the state. Five and five. What happened? Who can you blame all these years later? Can you blame someone? Probably me and my friends. Your line? No, just my whole senior class.

Like we were all like me. You just going to get fucked up. Everyone didn't care. Did you live that varsity blues life? No, it was just, we didn't take it serious. Really? Enough. I remember when we first started hanging out,

you showed me a picture of you and your pads in high school. I was like, damn, you were like good. You had like a dark visor. You had the fucking neck roll under. The visor was nice. I was wearing Jordans my senior year. Yeah, I was more, I was in it for, I was a cat. We needed more dogs.

Oh, okay. You were there for the looks. I was like, oh, thin wristband, cool was a cat. We needed more dogs. Oh, okay. You were there for the looks. I was like, oh, thin wristband, cool gloves, Jordans. But you're getting recruited by D1 schools. Yeah, but then tore my MCL. Not that that. Against who?

Week two against Delone Catholic. Delone Catholic, those sons. They pray for that. Squires. We fucked them up, though. Yeah? Yeah, we fucked them up. What was your guys? You guys had a helmet. We had Trinity Shamrocks, and we had the Michigan. That fucked them up though. Yeah. Yeah. We fucked. What was your guys? You guys were the, you guys had a helmet.

Trinity shamrocks. And we had the Michigan. Yeah. That's what I was. Yeah. I know you guys were green with the Michigan. Oh, you're live Twitch.

Do glass. I Shane Bonville and Shane were like, the world is mine. And yet I can't stop my Twitch. When you, when you're getting recruited, are you like, I should try harder?

No, I was just like i got it i don't need to work hard at all you're like they love you yeah we're dudes so as someone that was shitty at football asking someone that was good at football were there were there dudes like slobbing you're not calling you house and being like yeah when you're getting recruited yeah they're like hey bud yeah because i got recruited but i got recruited by the military i had the army and military and marines calling me being like hey you're pretty fucking dumb why don't you come fight yeah which

i would have been right in afghanistan that was right when i would have gone in but you should have oh my god i would have been it would have made me such orange peels during artillery and i go i just hold up the i hold up the bullets guys like all right that's funny it's funny but when they're calling you are is your dad like shane main is on the phone yeah main was one of them yeah it's cool it was the best in school when they would they always come to your high school and in class somebody calls over the speaker and it's like shane to the office and it's like dude when i got an office call that was like boston college is here not really well they were there they just schools they just come by they just meet with everybody yeah were they like this kid's big enough to play d1 i'll meet yeah and then i did like a

scout.com combine in west virginia and that was kind of the end of my d1 hopes really i ran like a six second 40 they were like oh my god was there a moment where and i just if i've seen disappointment in the eyes of so many people throughout playing football was that your first time where you saw disappointment where you go like oh no like it was that feeling of like oh no because like anybody in high school all our 40 times were hand timed by our coach so they made it look so i went into it going like i run like a 5-1 i'm fast i'm the fastest fucking lineman you're ever gonna see it was yeah it was but then you had that moment where they were like oh yeah it was a it was a i think the guy timing it was a

player for west virginia like a d-back like and was just like damn oh did you walk over i heard him say it and i was like no way because six one and you're like i was like oh that's like impossibly slow and at this camp are you staying overnight there or is it like a day that was a one day she's go and do it yeah because when you sucked i was in the summer you have to wear those like sleeveless underarmor shirts with the number on the yeah like the combine yeah and it was i just was covered in blisters from sunburn oh oh dude your freckled shoulders just do like a long jump i think i did like three feet was there anything you excel down was there any like bench i did good on the one-on-ones they're blocking yeah just get in

your stance and go that was i felt good about that you're like yeah so i can fucking play yeah but i didn't know i was blocking wrong so i was like just using leverage and putting the guy on the ground that's sick pancakes baby it's not a pancake that's how you get and then i did it in college and they were like you're gonna tear everybody's knees you can't block like that like you get yelled at for that they'll be like don't you'll rip it because you're just like jerking a guy throwing a guy on the ground next to the guy who's blocking next to me yeah yeah it's like you'll end his career yeah because he'll get he'll get tripped roll up and that's nuts did you wear knee braces yeah in college you have to you have to yeah it's just standard yeah i mean i would because i love stone cold steve austin i got i got the cool knee

brace when i tore my knee in high school you got like the but it was in 2006 so the knee braces weren't they did yeah they didn't have a giant piece of metal you couldn't move your leg it looked like you were bashing two beers together it was bad you had to wear it over like wrestlers yeah did you when you tore your mcl and they gave you that knee brace did you rock it at school no okay that thing stunk dude oh yeah like hockey pads sunk just fucking smelled dude that is getting an injury like that when you lean into it where you're like oh yeah my old fucking knee injury hurt too really yeah did you hear it pop yeah you can hear it pop i got injured in practice yeah what'd you hurt i broke my shoulder on an

onside kick i'm a weak man dude that's not weak no they my friend my friend chad still takes credit for it but he kicked an onside kick and it did he was he was a good kicker yeah it bounced and i put my hands up to catch it and a guy got a helmet right there and drove me to the ground and it just went like my whole my whole body was moving except my left arm i was like and then they're just like the worst feeling in the world is when they go all right guys move it down 10 yards and you go i'm still hurting and you can just hear them still practicing and you're like dude they picked my arm up and they were like all right we're gonna they put me in a golf cart so you're like they have horrible shocks and my mom's boyfriend picked

me up and took me to the hospital and he was just like yeah he was a mailman he was like i had to call out today and you're like i'm sorry joe yeah sorry i broke my fucking arm but then they got me there and they cut my pads off sick gave me morphine did you feel cool in my football pants on morphine i felt like the shit yeah that's pretty i was like oh yeah they didn't know i sucked at football they just saw the grass stains like this guy looks like he gets involved in plays and i was like and then they gave me dude they gave me perks and i got hooked on perks at 14. nice dude i so they were like it was freshman football so they didn't care if i showed up to practice or not it wasn't like varsity but i would go to this kid ryan ryan hoffman's house and we would do percocets and

smoke cigarettes while i was up in my sling and you could see the high school from his backyard but i would go to this kid ryan ryan hoffman's house and we would do percocets and smoke cigarettes while i was up in my sling and you could see the high school from his backyard and i'd be like practice is going on i was just fucking doted i was just fucked up like 14 like dude it was crazy i used to think it was funny when my mom's boyfriend was home alone to take my arm out of the sling and walk into the kitchen like everything was all right but i was in so much pain i'd be like hey joe and he'd be like where's your goddamn sling and i was fucking around it's a funny joke i do yeah i was like dude and then i had a pin i had a pin through my shoulder oh man you really fucked your arm up oh yeah i broke my humeral head and it went up into my shoulder and they did do like reconstructive surgery i had pins in my shoulder your high school career

it's zero glory zero glory dude i used when we used to do jv defense versus varsity offense my sophomore year there was this guy jacob haynes who played tackle he played it like d i think it's like d2 or d3 he would lift me up and throw me down like dads do to kids in the pool. Like he'd be like, wee! I'd just be like, I'd just get driven into the ground. I would have to put my ear pad back on my helmet.

I'd have to wait for the gun. All the time. But when I broke my shoulder, dude, I had pins in it. And then I was in the main hallway in our high school and someone just walked up from behind me went what's up soda and slapped my back and it went and it fucking came through and i was like i had to go to the doctor i was like all right it was like a passing period so the guy's like hey oh and i was like dude it was it was it sucked so

bad but those perks were you battled through the injury and came back yeah and then i got level and then i got level again the next year was when i was just rudy dude dude but not even but rudy that just wanted to get fucked up if rudy didn't care about football and eventually it was just kind of like uh you guys want to go drink at my house but it's fine here's the deal i embrace that yeah because i think what happens is a lot of guys are decent in high school and then they hold on to that yeah and then you can't ever let it go like that's what i mean i didn't have if i didn't play in college i would seriously think i was the man so good you're going to combines yeah people were pulling

you out of class you were the fucking man found out but then you go to college and i found out and you got humbled those guys were trying yeah very hard and we're disciplined yeah would you go drink when like you played at elon right i got drunk before a game which game uh i forget who we were playing did you know you were playing no i knew i wasn't gonna play how funny i was just getting drunk dude was notre dame michigan it was the year notre dame got smoked by michigan at home brady quinn's senior year so who was the coach ty that was charlie weiss charlie weiss okay but there was just a bunch of beer from the night before and you were like i just got drunk and watched college game to great then i had to do warm-ups before the game and were you like were you like more chatty than normal like no i was just like holy fuck i'm gonna get so much trouble really yeah because sometimes when you get drunk you get like brazen behavior i knew i

was never gonna play and so uh like i was certain if if every o-lineman got hurt they'd put like a fullback in before they put me in really i sucked and you didn't get so you didn't play that game when you were drunk no because i never played one game dude what's funny is in high school i would like my junior year i was like suiting for varsity yeah but i was like i probably won't play so i'd get high and eat like dude i ate carl's junior i ate so much carl's junior and we were playing mullen who's better than creek and we were getting blown out. Yeah. Our coach read us the little engine that could before the game. Oh, no.

And one of our coordinators that didn't like him just went, Jesus Christ, and just walked out of the gym. We were away. We got crushed by Mullen, 49 to zero. But that was the full game. Dude, they pulled the linebacker.

I was chilling with Chad on the sideline because he's a kicker. So I could always hang with my boy. And we're just chilling and they go soda and i was like what no and i couldn't find my helmet and then i looked at chad and went i hate so much carl's jr i just went in it was like uncomfortable dude i was getting fucking tossed around the guy that i was that i was lining up on as an outside linebacker played at nebr Yeah. Like he played Nebraska and the tight end for Mullen that year was this kid, Alex Smith, this kid,

he's a man. Yeah. He played at Stanford and went on to play for the Buccaneers and a couple other teams. Dude, they were grabbing me. Remember I told you like the kid in the pool, but I had a full tummy of burger and fries with ranch.

So they're like tossing me and I'm getting up and going like acid reflux i'm like dude it was horrible all all football was to me was just a giant ass kick that's all it was and i laid out a couple of dudes that's nice though it feels great it's the best feeling i recommend everyone going through that just so the one time you stick someone in an a-gap you go like that felt fucking great it's a good feeling but i only had those for so few and far between between me just just getting up being like god mullins creek these guys are good these guys these guys this guy and then watching him go on to the nfl you're like that guy kicked the shit out of me i wonder if amateur boxers do that like whoever whoever got lit up by like Floyd Mayweather when they were like young.

They're like, hey, that guy. I told you that guy was good. The fuck? Everyone was making fun of me for getting knocked out. You go, hey, Stacey, come in here. Remember that? That guy beat the hell out of me in front of you on like our third date.

Remember that? Yeah, that's gotta be tough. You thought you were marrying a champion? That's gotta be tough. Being a fighter. Can I? Bringing a lady. I'm throwing shit at you.

You motherfucker. You winner. Here's what i always think about ufc no shoes podcast is so fucking weird dude it is white dudes and no shoes i'm gonna take a nap dude do it dude we'll sleep like this like we're poor we got snowed in i had known i wouldn't have worn these extremely dirty socks you're lucky i can't smell or else i'd be covered in dog hair oh my god myrtle fur all over that shit uh i always am tripped out by ufc fighters they don't do it as much as box this is how we sit this is not this is very gay no it's not this is a cuddle puddle dude

but dude boxers oh it always makes me laugh when boxers wives wear like nightgown like gala yeah and like elbow length gloves to watch their just husband get the shit and they're getting splattered on them and then after the fight where they're like hey they're like all dressed up to go to a fucking 1,000 plate dinner. I've got to stop sitting like this. Wow, you're doing great. No, no. It's making me uncomfortable.

Is it? Yeah, I just always think about. This is the mistake of doing the podcast from this couch. Seeing your dad. Like, imagine coming home and your dad sits like that. Like, I'm 36. So what? This is not how a man sits on a couch.

Dude, this is a gaming couch, dude. I can't sit like that. Imagine if you came home and your dad was... Hey. Like this. Just watching baseball. Going like this. He goes, Astros are up.

You'd be like, dude, my dad's gay. Even when I sit... This is how I sit when I play video games on this. I don't even sit... I sit like this. Yeah, you gotta be focused. I sit right to the tv dude this is where you know how many ncaa games are gonna happen this is where i'm gonna i'm

gonna put a nail in your coffin this is it what did i told you dude i'm from the darkness you think i'm afraid of an l i'm gonna be so good at this game bring it devote my life to it dude i'm gonna i'm gonna i cannot No, they might never lose a game. I'm going to have Dez come down and teach me the ways. Dez is not. Well, yeah, Dez cheats. Because of the passing thing? Yeah, he runs bullshit plays.

There you go. I mean, if you say it. Dez is. When this comes out, he's going to be like, you guys are just slandering my name after I've shut down my podcast. He's just the guy in the world being like, what are you guys fucking talking shit about? He fucking bodied me. He was talking on the eagles all year well when they started to fall apart yeah and he was like ravens are the best team i was like we'll see niners got buckled

by the ravens and he was all up there he would send me memes like and you're like dude not right now and then what happened dude well they lost to the chiefs that we lost to same fucking team both teams choked did you feel uh like you betrayed cmc when you went to the chiefs after party oh fuck you bringing that up i'm bringing that up because i'm a niners fan dude uh i'm a niners fan no for life no you betrayed no kittle and use check oh dude dude, we're going to do that soon. Sick. Oh, dude, you get your fucking... I didn't know you did cards on this. Yeah, at the end. You open up a pack from 1989.

I've listened to every episode you've done. Oh, there are bonus episodes on Saturday. Oh, okay. Dude, Jeffrey Asmus opened a fucking Michael Jordan All-Star card. This guy DMed me. He was like, you know that card's worth $7,500. Damn. And you're like, because there's...

Did you get it back? Yeah. Hey, Jeff. By the way, i bought your flights on a couple of those weekends it's trying to kick back um guys listen they're telling me what to say for the therapy and i'm just going to be honest with you it's completely changed my life i know how to process my emotions better i kind of understand situations for times that bad stuff happens. It's just great to be there. If you, uh, if you need therapy or you feel like maybe your life is just getting you down, try better help.com. Um, it's obviously daunting to think about finding a new therapist, someone that you're comfortable with, someone that can help you. But I, but trust me when you find the right one, it helps almost immediately. Um, it's great for learning coping skills for just a bunch of stuff. If you're thinking of starting therapy, then give better help a try. It's entirely online designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited for your schedule.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched up with a licensed therapist and switch therapists at any time for no additional charge that's huge you can just switch if you don't like someone and find someone that you can so you can start getting to work learn to make time for what makes you happy with better help visit betterhelp.com slash soda to get 10 off your first month that's better help H-E-L-P dot com slash Soder. Hey guys, Dan Soder. I put a special out on YouTube called On The Road. I don't know if you haven't watched it yet, but if you haven't, go check it out.

It was a fun little show in Portland Helium that we taped. And it's got some fun jokes on there. Also subscribe to my YouTube channel. And I'm going to be on the road. Cincinnati, Ohio. I'll be coming to Go Bananas, March 8th and 9th. And then Lexington, Kentucky. Lexington, Kentucky. Not Louisville, like I said last time. Lexington, Kentucky. We're doing two shows on March 10th. Come check it out. The first one sold out, but the second show we added, it's got tickets. And then Nashville. I'm coming to Zany's at the end of March.

March 28th through the 30th. I'm bringing Brendan Sagalow. We're going to have a hell of a time. DanSoder.com for tickets. Thank you guys for watching the podcast and my stand-up. I love you. I love you so fucking much. NCAA.

How are we going to do? Am I down to austin for the for the first weekend we're gonna have to figure something out in in get a house we'll get like an airbnb a little beach trip ncaa beach trip i would fucking kill to do that yeah do you have like a an erase board with a real tournament oh my god are we about to do that yes you get a dynasty we can do a season in a week oh yeah oh dude i got i think i got july mostly off and it should be a it'll be an 18 playoff by then which will be on the game yeah because that's for the 24 seasons let's go dude who's the other six i mean we talked a lot of noise about des des is not coming he's good he's too good you gotta drop some games before you're invited

oh dude that'll be fun well we should flush that out yeah dude that'd be fun as hell for sure oh my god i'm gonna get so mad can we do a place with a pool so i can scream under the water so no one can hear me go on shadow box like ali you see me down there going i'm just gonna stick my head in yeah dude that'll fucking rule yes oh my god i just got so hyped for july it's gonna be really nice who else do we know that plays ncaa because we gotta have we can't have people that don't know the game.

No, they're fun to have, though. Little cupcakes. Oh, yeah. Well, those are round one. Yeah. You got to do the seeding properly. Get O'Connor in there. He's never played it. Just run the score up on him.

Dude, and then what we can do is, well, here's the fun part. We can do a seeding tournament to see who gets seeded where. Yeah. And then they get to pick teams first. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This fucking iTwitch is driving me nuts, dude. Have you looked up how to stop it? wear yeah and then and they get to pick teams first yeah yeah yeah yeah like the lowering eye

twitch is driving me nuts dude have you looked up how to stop it i don't think you can i think you can't i've heard you can like homeless pimp's gonna look it up we'll have a cure for you by the end this man lives on the street he knows about eye twitches he puts woman he makes woman charge for sex give him the money no and he lives on the street. Have you done that? Homeless pimp. No. It's just a guy. I get it, yeah.

I go downstairs. I just figured that out. Oh, yeah. Homeless pimp. Yeah. That's what we're talking about. I go downstairs, and there's just these crusty-ass women outside going, is he there?

Bitch, he's producing my podcast. Get away from him. Yeah, dude. I'm surprised you didn't have a uh like a skater phase or a prep i had like a one week skater phase and that was tony hawk pro skater video games yeah you never were a prep do you dress preppy no jocks either go like jock or they can go you can do a jock with a prep with a prep flavor yeah i was more uh i don't know i was skate i would like skater energy couldn't skate poser real big poser nice though but then old navy opened old navy and i just

became an old prep i was just no but that was like my sophomore year so i was an old navy man myself i just started dressing nice did i join the joined the Navy, the old Navy. I got in there. I started wearing khakis and shit and sweater vests. That's nice. You started dressing like Doug? Yeah, like Doug Funny. Like Doug Funny. Yeah, dude, I started to dress like that, and I was like, oh, okay.

Because I loved, obviously, as I still do, I wear like wrestling shirts. Yeah. But that was cool in high school. It was the move, dude. Because it was the Attitude Era. Yeah. So you could wear an Austin 316. It was cool in high school because it was the attitude era yeah so you can wear austin 316 it was cool and people are like sure yeah and then columbine happened and they were like don't wear rock and roll shirts like yeah rock and roll all the kids

that were like my sophomore year was columbine so everyone was like do you wear maryland manson shirts damn it was nuts combine while you were in colorado in high school what's even crazier is my friends my friend mike's sister played basketball you know that you come from a high school basketball girls high school basketball family playoffs was happening we went to a game at columbine girls high school basketball because his sister was on the varsity team two weeks before the shooting we were walking around the high school wow just randomly walking around we like drove out there because it was like west of denver it's like kind of it's in littleton so we like drove out there uh walked around like looking at their trophies i was smoking weed in the parking lot and coming back in and being like is this game over can we fucking go and then two weeks later

they're like a lot of people are dead yeah yeah it it was nuts. I was in fifth grade, I think. Damn, I didn't know I was that much older than you. Oh, yeah, five years. Yeah. What did they do for fifth graders? Because they rolled the TV in for high schoolers, and they're like, no shit's going down. I guess because it was the East Coast.

I feel like I was out of school when I got the news of it. Well, it was East Coast. Yeah, because it happened in the afternoon. I was on the East Coast yeah because it happened yeah we were mountain time yeah i was going to baseball practice were you what were you in seventh grade when 9-11 happened fifth grade because 99 eighth you're in eighth grade how would it how did they tell eighth graders i was they didn't tell a shit they were just going to go to the church and pray that's it No one really told us. And then, actually, I was just laughing about this. Then we got recess all day. Which you're like.

Which was sick. And we were just running around like, holy fuck. Dude, that's like an Al-Qaeda, that's like a recruitment trick. It was nice. And then. Do you like sandals? Yeah. I love sandals.

Why don't you hit the jungle gym? Can you do this? La, la, la, la. I can. No, we just had a lesbian gym teacher that was breaking the news to us. She's like, those fucking terrorists got us. Now, probably there's some men on there that were too big of pussies to get up there. I was in college, so I woke up from my 8 a.m. class hungover.

Yeah. And it was after, you know why I remember it? Monday Night Football that year was broncos giants ed mccaffrey broke his leg against the giants damn because i bet on the broncos on 9 10 on 9 10 2001 wow my mom went to the game and bought me a shirt that was monday night football broncos giants and it had the whole schedule on the back that never happened or all the dates changed yeah yeah so it was crazy I still have that shirt because I was like that my mom bought the shirt being like world's completely normal and then I remember getting drunk as hell in my

dorm room watching Giants Broncos because the the Broncos were my backup team 49ers were awful or we that was when we started to skid and i just remember being like blackout drunk and then waking up and checking my email my mom's like well we're certainly going to war for this and i was like going to war for what we need to go to war yeah i was like i was like are me and you about to fight bitch and then i turned on the tv and i was like whoa yeah we're going to war we're going to war and my first class was a political science class and i went and the guy was like i don't go home watch the news yeah he's like you're seeing shit that yeah but it's funny because when you're hung over in college all you want is your class to be canceled but not that way where you're like all right yeah i kind of

am pumped i'm gonna stop by and get a breakfast burrito but i'm not happy about it i'm sad but i'm set that's kind of how i feel because my grandma you know shane came over yesterday to I'm going to stop by and get a breakfast burrito, but I'm not happy about it. I'm sad. But I'm sad. That's kind of how I feel. Because my grandma, you know, Shane came over yesterday to hang out. Oh, perfect timing. Shane came over to hang out. Me, him, and Kath.

I saw him too. As soon as you answered the phone and stood still, I looked over to Kathy and I was like, yo. And she was like, no, he's been getting these calls all week. Well, because my grandmother's been in hospice. Yeah. So it's not the one. So's just hanging out watching tv and then my cousin kim called me and i was like and that's when katie katie did the like

nah yeah fucking happens all the time because i saw you stood up and stood still for like a minute yeah i was like and then i walked in here took the call and my cousin was like our grandma died but we've been waiting she was 97 yeah i love my grandma obviously 97 year old deaths 97's wild you're also dude you're like she was like very cognizant for world war ii dude she told me a story she was i took her to the i took her uh yeah 1944 she was born in 27 so she was like 20 she was like 17 18 yeah dude was crazy as i took her i took her to the she's a hot during world war ii she was a hot lady really i look back at my dude my grandma listen rest rest in peace love her to death she had total former hot girl energy that didn't understand why no one was treating her the way that she got treated up until she was 40 so that

turns into a bitter old lady where she's kind of like do this for me and you're like why your old bag of bones and she's like but i told i took her to the second to last 49ers game at candlestick before they were closing out candlestick park so i took her to last 49ers game at Candlestick before they were closing out Candlestick Park. So I took her to the Rams game at Candlestick and we're driving back to Lake County and we're going over the Bay Bridge. They just opened the new Bay Bridge and my grandma's out of nowhere goes, you know, me and your grandfather sat on that hill

like pointing towards Oakland. She goes, and we watched him turn the lights of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay Bridge on when the japanese surrendered and i didn't realize they had to keep all the lights off the bridge because they were genuinely worried about bombing from the japanese and you're like you just lived through that it's wild yeah one time my grandma went to the pharmacy and the pharmacist goes yeah you were you know that uh you were born in the same year that wyatt erp died and my grandma went well that made me feel old she was like 90 and she's like jesus christ guy goes hey you're old as fuck lady but she was fine and like anyone will tell you with an old person that injury like an old quarterback yeah she broke her hip and then that was it. That's how my grandma went. Yeah? Yeah. I would like to see the stats on completion percentage,

broken hip to death. Broken hips, yeah, that's it. It's it. Yeah. Because she, what's funny, she, it's not funny. I was about to say something. My grandma was falling a lot towards the end. She was?

Which was pretty. Like pratfalls, or? Like you would just find her. She'd be laying on the ground. Dude. And by the way, they act like it's no big thing. Hold on, there's one my favorite one uh my dad went across the street to ask the neighbor's kid if he could help carry

this couch in yeah so they're carrying a couch in and the kid the neighbor's kid was going in first and my grandma was just laying on the ground right next to the door like hey and he had to carry it in backwards like what the fuck she's like hey hey came in on the other side like jesus christ well that's because you got to have that energy we're like get up mom damn it mom come here i um my grandmother would do this thing where she hated when i didn't like the fact that she lived alone because she lived so far away and i was one of her only family members left so i'd be like hey are you okay and then i called her just one day it's a couple years ago i called her and she went yeah i fell in the garage i was in there for about 35 minutes and you're like dude you can't

you can't do that my grandma was trying to get turn the spigot on out back yeah and fell behind a bush i mean like in mulch and just had to lay underneath this bush until the neighbor's kids came home from school and they were in the backyard she was laying underneath a bush like hey help help must have been so scary just a kid playing catch you're seeing an old woman laying on the ground like help me it's like it's a witch yeah dude it's a sad easter egg hunt you go look what i found she's like hey can you help me out hey what are you doing hey kids what are you doing out there yeah dude it was like her broken hip and then it just went down she was in hospice and i'm like joking around about it on stage but i can't

joke around about this because it's just actually a legitimate gripe i feel like hospice was trying to upsell me on stuff they do yeah yeah they were going like do you want to play not punch her are you punching her yeah we punch her at night you know do you want me to not eat her food are you not giving her food he goes i don't know but they were first off they do two things they're morphine peddlers and they listen in all seriousness they do a lot of great work but jack them up on morphine dude who gives a fuck that's what i said hospice the guy called me yesterday and he goes hey it's real bad i'm thinking about i go yeah before he finished it i went fire her up dude blast her off yeah she's just listening to hendrix in her head you know she's like i remember the 60s i remember when i was 40 yeah woodstock she was actually i actually

was against civil rights she's like i remember when blacks took over oakland but she he called me and they kept doing this thing where they were like do you want us to hang out with her? I was like, she's out on morphine. But it felt like an upsell. Yeah. It felt like they were like, yeah, yeah, for extra. We'll talk after. Do you want us to turn her into a puppet and do a video for you?

They just bring her up and she's like, hey, dad, I love you. Bye. I'm off to see your dad. And you go, oh, fuck. This is fucking, this is dad. Dude, your joke from beautiful dogs sticks in my head

all the time where we were doing it this weekend we kept going dack and twisted in the Australian accent I'm sorry dack and twisted

that was in Brisbane I hate that fucking guy it's so funny took my hat called you a fatso and then in real life he didn't call me fatso

he said fatso's just such a funny word fatso's funnier in real life he didn't call me fatso he said uh fatso is just such a fatso is funnier yeah he in real life he took the hat off my head put it back down and goes uh i haven't worn a hat like that since i was five years old and kept walking he just did and then he sat at an outside we were we were eating fucking kebabs yeah so i'm standing eating are you with mccusker yeah okay so you're with someone who knows you very well are you with mccusker yeah okay so you want someone who knows you very well i'm with mccusker who when that guy did it was just like he thought it was the funniest shit in the world because the guy lifted it up and put it down fucking crazy just by walking by you yeah it was so crazy that i was ready to scrap i didn't know i would have

murdered this guy he was so small but then but there's something about that that tells me he's nuts. He threw me off, dude. Yeah. And then he sat for a while. He was at an outside bar. And I was sitting outside eating this meal. And I was like, I'm just staring at him. I'm like, I'm going to fucking kill this guy.

And then he walked by to leave. And I was like, real cool, dude. And he goes, and kept walking. And McCusker was like, yo, that guy destroyed you. That guy. Yeah. Do you think there's any chance that that guy, was he young enough that he'll put on Netflix to watch stand-up

and maybe see it? And he'll go like, that guy, like, I bullied that fucking guy. He just, like, did the bucket hat thing over your head. He goes, I fucking got that guy. Yeah, he got me bad. I mean, I was talking about it for a year. Dude, to thousands of people. Just every night going like this fuck can you believe this guy

he owned me yeah i had nothing and he went back to his his thing he's like i'm fucking yeah fucking yank came down here did he know you were american? I was pretty clearly American. Yeah? Yeah. What kind of bucket hat? UNC. Nice. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it was, he got me. What would have happened, though, if you just whooped his ass? I don't know. If they would have been like.

I think in Australia, they'd be like, yeah, fair play. Yeah. Nicely done there. He does the thing where he's putting the lip over his body lip, and he goes, I deserve that. You were in every right to take it out on me no australia is awesome yeah i love i've never been there it's it's a long flight i've heard the travel it makes it not worth it that part that's why you're there everyone's cool as fuck yeah i've heard it's beautiful yeah everything's nice yeah but i'm just so like the flight sucks yeah i want to go to japan if

i'm gonna travel that far australia's got to be better i've never been to japan people love japan japan's weird yeah and all that weird shit i do like yeah underpants vending machines i was just gonna say i need that let me just buy some undies out of a machine you know what all the fuss is yeah i want to take a nap in a tube just have a fucking do they have weed there like is weed common because i think if i could bring weed with me that trip would be an all-time drugs are wild over there that's what i mean they're like yeah you have a octopus eye and you're like eat something and you're going and i'm like sitting there having tea with my grandma and she's like why didn't you ever pick me up off the ground and then i have to come back sweaty like they're like don't worry daniel son they call me daniel you'd be a giant over there too oh my god

dude andre the giant voice could be finally andre the whole time i'd be like i want to try your sushi the thought of getting pushed onto a subway train when they shove them and then the doors close behind the head and shoulders above everyone just sorry i'm sorry i'm taking up all the space but let me tell you something man queensborough plaza they do that on the set in the morning when i used to wait tables at queensborough plaza where the end meets the seven train they would come off the seven train and fucking fourth and goal into that subway and i would be standing there with my tush push dude tush push total they would do the fucking they would do the brotherly shove right onto that train and it would get me in a way

where i'd have coffee so i'd be so again i'd hit him with that front desk energy where i go excuse me excuse me this hot coffee's all going down my arm because some little japanese ladies just fucking shoving into me it was wild it was wild I would get so fired up to go wait tables yeah because you're doing furious oh my god I'd be furious every day rush hour driving to work I'd be furious every day I couldn't I took the train and then you'd set up and then you just get bros at uh finance places that just wanted to get drunk and they were younger than me that was the worst it was when. When the guys started coming in that were like 22, 23, fresh out of UPenn, and they're like, what's up, bro?

I got some classics. All your little men. All my guys, dude. I got a whole shelf of Macho Man guys that people give me. Nice. Fucking rules, dude. Is it time for the cards? Let's open the cards. You ready to open some basketball cards yeah

we have people opening them so you got to go two piles crusty and cool okay most of the time i keep the crusty cards but if you want to keep some crusty guys i also get it all right let's see who you got open it with an all-star. Mark Eaton. Oh, big white. Eatin' him up. Eatin' him up. Let me see. Yeah, you want to... Dude, you get a Karl Malone jazz.

Damn. And that's, I believe... Well, at this rate, Eaton is good. Eaton's good. Malone is... Malone's incredible. That's huge. Winston Garland.

Let's see Winston Garland from the Warriors. He's on the Krusties. Oh, yeah, dude. Walter Davis. Krusty. First off, he's a Denver Nugget, so he goes up here. Todd Murphy. With fat love.

With fat lover and Alex English. Building another. Who you got right here? Todd Murphy. Todd Murphy, by the way. 88-87. Or 87-88. He played one game.

Also, though. Two rebounds, two assists. Peep that. Five points. Let's go. It's an expansion team oh wow the wolves 89 damn you know who what i was hoping i was hoping shane was gonna get sean kemp that would be the ultimate but olden paulie nice how do you even say that name

olden paulie nice he's a seven footer. First round pick out of Virginia. Seven feet tall. Yeah, dude. Also had, I mean, just block city. Averaging 25 blocks a season. Holy shit. This guy. And they got, by the way, oh my God, he was traded to the Sonics.

This is interesting. Check this out. Traded to the Sonics fromago in exchange for the draft rights to scotty pippen wow so because of this guy scotty pippen became a bull crusty piled my ass gerald henderson yeah dude check gerald out dude gerald's the kind of guy that he goes oh i used to ball when you talk to him oh i play ball young man oh he goes i i just spend 10 seasons i played with the celtics a couple for the sonics sylvester gray sylvester gray oh we got a good one coming you do sly gray's that's good for the crusty pile damn come on let's go under marley let's go that's in the fucking awesome pile

him for the suns yeah dude rookie season is 88 89 yeah damn you got a rookie marley card it's nice this is oh dude that's huge a famous infamous gm charles davis charles davis for the bulls role player yeah i don't by the way this is the bulls before the dynasty larry smith larry smith good name but here's here's what i love to see second round pick out of alcorn state six foot eight guy does a lot of years though dude this guy's first year in the league this guy's first years in the league 63 blocks that's insane let's see this guy yeah for the golden state warriors how great is that yeah he was a good guy averaged eight and a half throughout his illustrious 10-year career 10-year career i'll tell you what i had a run the guy could probably the guy could go coach

anywhere he wanted to on that on that resume bill winnington dude winnington now here's the thing about bill winnington from montreal from montreal traded to chicago he's another part of the bulls dynasty they started winning in 91 when they got Wennington. Wennington was on those teams? Wennington was on the 91, 92, 93 Bulls team, I think. I didn't know you knew so much about this. This is right here. Lester Connor.

This was my phase. This was the beginning of my NBA phase. These guys are trash. Oh, dude. You know what's funny is Lester Connor. So when we started doing these, we made fun of him. That's what I mean, though. We make fun of him.

And then you'll see people tag their kids. And they go like, these guys are shitting on your dad. And you go like, Lester Conner, I didn't know. I was a child when you played in the NBA. Dennis Johnson. Dude, DJ. Lester's career. Dennis Johnson's a Celtic legend.

81-82, he averaged 19.5 points a game. He was a big part of their championship teams. Yeah, this guy was nasty. Yeah. My mom's boyfriend, Joe, big Dennis Johnson fan, had a signed autograph of him on our- He had a signed Dennis Johnson? On the desk in our office was a signed picture of Joe and DJ.

Mike Woodson. Don't know him. Probably did a lot. He averaged 18 one year 17 17 18 he had a good he's the kind of guy where you go like beast damn that's all you got you didn't get that great of a pack dude malone though he did get malone that young malone young damn he averaged 29 and 88 89 i mean dude carl malone is you know number he's on the court work three all-time leading scorer now behind lebron and kareem wow i didn't know malone was third i mean the craziest is everyone wants to bring up his

off-court shenanigans his antics his antics of having a child with a 13 year old and then that child goes on to be an nfl player which is nuts his son is an an NFL player? Yeah. Oh. I keep saying this. I hope it's fucking true. Probably. But I think the kid that Malone had with that child went on to be an NFL player and doesn't talk to him and does the whole like, fuck him. Really? I don't fuck with him.

Which. I would forgive him. You would? Yeah, I'm a pussy. I'd be like, damn, he's Carl Malone. I love him. I get to be the male son. Can we please hang out?

Hey, Carl, can we hang out? He goes, Carl Malone doesn't know if we want to hang out. I think he's a third person guy. Yeah, just from the impressions. Dude, my favorite. Just from the Jimmy Kimmel impressions. Yeah, yeah, Carl Malone doesn't understand. Jimmy, you might want to scrub that off the internet.

Dude, my favorite third person story. Do you know this Ricky Henderson story? No. Ricky Henderson infam dude my favorite third person story do you know this ricky henderson story no ricky henderson was ricky henderson infamously spoken third person he was in the locker room and someone was talking about bible verses specifically john 316 and ricky henderson walked by he goes ricky doesn't care what john gonna hit 316 ricky gonna hit 320. i love that dude yeah that might be if it's true, just lie to me the rest of my life. I want that story to be true so bad. Matumbo was a third-person guy. Dikembe.

He was? I feel like there's a story of him walking into parties and being like, who wants to sex Matumbo? I've heard that story. And also, when he used to swap motherfuckers for the Nuggets, he'd go, not on the Mount Mutombo. Yeah. He would say his own name.

You start doing that, dude. Be the first third person comic. You go, Shane knows you like that joke. Shane just bombed. Oh, Shane understands you didn't get that reference. Shane thinks the crash would be doing a lot better than it is right now. Absolutely. Please start doing that.

Shane's tired. Shane doesn't want to be here. Shane's done with that. Shane had too many beers before the show. Shane wants to sit down. Shane tried to loosen up before the show. Got a little too loose. absolutely please start doing tired shane doesn't want to be here shane's done with that shane had too many beers before the show shane wants to sit there shane tried to loosen up before the show got a little too loose now i can't talk good shane's gonna say some slurs or slur dude i can we please follow through on this ncaa house internum dude yes i'm i'll bring my playstation we'll bring multiple play 5s. Multiple, yeah.

Multiple games going. Multiple games. Simultaneously. In houses. Who can we invite? Oh, the food. The food's going to be crazy. The food will be crazy.

Yeah. The atmosphere. The drugs. I'm going to do mushrooms. And none of this micro-dose pussy shit. Yeah. Full dose, baby. Yeah.

Fucking fire. You got to watch out on those mushrooms, though. They're getting stronger. Everything's getting stronger. those mushrooms though they're they're getting stronger everything's getting stronger it's too much everything's getting i took one block of mushrooms the other day a chocolate bar it was like four blocks is a gram i was like i can have one square that's nothing that happened to me i was high in 10 minutes that's what happened to me in amsterdam what was in there they gave me truffles and they go here's 10 grams i go dude i can only do 3.5 and that's at my that's at my best and the guy went not 10 grams you'll be fine and i took it i took two thirds of it

shot me to space faster than i've ever been in my life at a pearl jam show yeah i don't know if i told you that and i freaked out and had to go stand in the back of the arena and lou lou witsky had to find me and i was like it was horrible it was horrible um i love you dude i love you i really appreciate you coming by and doing this i love you i know you you've had a hell of a week snl was fucking ripped yeah it was it was really fun you did awesome i loved it it was fucking cool as shit what a fucking great moment yeah it was fun it was awesome and i'm glad you had fun that's what you said you said you had yeah it was super fun to do that's awesome the show's fun to do it was badass and i liked i know you know mckeever saying he didn't get a word on or whatever but just the

fact that you guys it was you and mckeever at the snl offices just as your friend but also as a like fan of comedy that fucking ruled dude yeah it was we couldn't we could have got a word in if we fought for anything. But you went with the experience. Yeah, we were just, we were, you know, overwhelmed. We were kind of sitting there like, we're stupid, we don't know anything. Yeah.

Yeah. But then you fucking did it. You did it awesome, and now you got a Karl Malone card. Now I got a Karl Malone card. But you fucking ruled, dude. I love you. Let's play some NCAA.

I love you too. Let's get this turd. Oh! Let's get this turd.