Soder - Greek Best in Show with Stavros Halkias | Soder Podcast | EP 7

Episode Date: December 27, 2023

This episode Dan is joined by comedian Stavros Halkias. Check out Stavy's new comedy special on Netflix. Fat Rascal is out now! Growing up Greek in America is a wild experience. If comedy didn't work out what would Dan & Stav be doing? Drop us a rating on itunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour JAN 5 & 6th, 2024 - Baltimore,MD Sat, FEB 3, 2024 - Stamford,CT Sun, FEB 4, 2024 - Manchester,CT Boston | Feb 17 2024 FEB 22 & 23rd, 2024 - Cleveland,OH Thu, FEB 29, 2024 - San Antonio,TX MAR 1 & 2nd, 2024 - Comedy Mothership - Austin,TX Follow Stav https://www.instagram.com/stavvybaby2/?hl=en Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

As a big guy, you have to either become a mafia boss or a restaurant owner. Well, that's the thing. If you want to stay fat, yes. If you want to stay super big, restaurant owner is the position. And don't think I haven't considered, like, I really want to own a restaurant called Fat Stavs. I think you can, I mean, I'm not meaning to fuck with your idea restaurant called Fat Stavs. I think you can. I mean, I'm not meaning to fuck with your idea. But Big Stavis?

Big Stavis, yeah. Big Stavis, Greek-American infusion? Just like a light-up neon meme. It's got its little hat lights up. Yeah. Oh, my God. I never thought about this, but you'd be the perfect restaurant owner

to go around to tables. How we doing, folks? Slightly sexually harassed the ladies. You're looking gorgeous, Diane. Oh, look at that. What are you doing with this bum? Oh, my God. What is this?

Oh, my God. You bite your palm a lot? Oh. Your daughter's gorgeous. She's 15. Oh, yeah. This is just like just toeing the line. What a woman you're becoming.

We're all so proud of you. Dude, so this was like a year and a half ago I took Katie out to dinner. Our favorite restaurant is Quality Italian. Oh, great place. Have you ever been there? I have, yeah. It's awesome. Shout out to Timmy D.

That's Tim Dillon. Put us all on. Tim Dillon put us all on. Put the whole team on. They opened a Quality Italian in denver like in the fancy near cherry creek mall and tim knew about it and i brought tim with me to comedy works this is like six years ago yeah and i bring tim with me to comedy works and he's like let's go get lunch quality italian we get trish out and i've said it before but i'll say it as many times as i can

if you get the opportunity for tim to go to dinner with him and let him run point yes absolutely it's one of the best meals stand back stand back let him fucking cook dude it is crazy like let the boy go yeah yeah yeah yeah peppers and, yeah. He's like, oh, peppers and sausage. Yeah. And then this. And he just ordered everything. So we, I mean, I love quality of time. Of course.

Great spot. So I took Katie out there for it. And we were eating. In Denver or in New York? In New York on 57th Street. And we were, like, eating. And we got the chicken parm, which is, like, their chicken parm is like a pizza that they drizzle honey on

it's hot honey it's good stuff it's the best thing i've ever had in my life yeah katie was eating it and this older guy came over and was like just talking to katie yeah and he works for the restaurant okay all right that's what i think yeah yeah i'm like oh this guy must be the owner the major d or the manager and he's like how's the real New York how's the how's that chicken palm how beautiful is that yeah doesn't look at me

right just the whole time talking to Katie how great is that we're like oh she's like it's real good and we eat it

yeah and we're like who is that guy and as we're eating our meal as the night goes on another couple about two tables down comes

same thing same guy walks over just talks to the lady. Doesn't make any eye contact to the man. Doesn't talk to the guy. And then we start wondering, like, does this guy even fucking work here? Is this guy just coming up and talking to women

about their chicken parm? Yes, yes. That would be a role that I think you would be fantastic in. Absolutely, dude. Glad-handed, coming through, like, comping things. Oh, you know what? I got you a dessert. Here's a couple tiramisu's for you come on my god i heard how good you're doing in school i heard you hit a home run in little league here's an apple pie coach harbaugh you do not

spend a dime at big stoppies dude absolutely that's what you it's we need to start thinking what we're gonna do what's next comedy's great right now comedy's great, it's, we need to start thinking what we're going to do. What's next? Comedy's great right now. Comedy's great, but it's going to come crashing down. And when it does. Yeah. Sure, we'll still do it. Of course.

But where do we pivot to make our money? Where's our money maker? Fat Stavs. Fat Stavs. Big Stavs. I think Fat Stavs. Because you know what? Fat Stavs makes me feel like everything's going to be covered in a sauce. You know what?

You're right. Fat Stavs is the wing spot yeah it's my takeout it's my takeout diner oh my god with just a little limited seating if you do or that's the to-go menu from big stovs yeah yeah yeah there's a little yes it's like a secret menu yeah where you met where you mix dishes yeah oh you know what we're fat stops the takeout right yeah it's got the window the actual place is called venetia's and it's named after my mother and it's the fine dining establishment and it's got a beautiful like renaissance painting of my mom and me as a baby almost like the virgin merit just on the lap. But it's your adult head, so they know who it is. And they go, that's why we're here.

Yes, yes, yes. But this is a... Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then classical Greek music playing. Just beautiful Greek music. And it's like high end. Oh, my God.

Good luck getting a table. No, no chance. But fat staves. For the fat staves. I say, come here. I see a kid. I'm like, hey, you need a job, buddy? Come wash some dishes at Fat Staves.

You come to the back yeah yeah everyone's working under the table I think I would want to do if I could I'd probably want to do

a weed business everyone's doing the but everyone's jumping in weed and booze now yeah yeah isn't that kind of weird I don't think

what would it be would you just have a dispensary no I would want a strain. A strain. Because that would be fun to test. Yeah.

And I would even put out to market the ones that fuck me up. Right. Like, you know, this one, spooky season. I think you got to go dispensary. Because here's what I'm saying. A full brick and mortar? Brick and mortar. Because here's the thing.

We have to think of weed dispensaries like car dealerships. You know what I mean? It's like, maybe you don't know the car business but you know how like every athlete or do commercials like that exactly hey i'm dan soter our deals are so good i forgot about them yeah yeah yeah our weed's so good i'm scared right now right dude car commercials but for weed yeah but people because people want to buy the weed from you even if you're not the best you don't have the you don't have to have the highest quality. It's like people are buying a Chevy.

Like if Tony Saragusa opened up a fucking car dealership. Infamously, John Elway. Elway had on Arapahoe Road in Colorado. He had, I'm not joking, John Elway Nissan, John Elway Toyota. He had everyone. My mom bought a 4Runner at John Elway Toyota. Exactly, dude. So yeah.

That's the level. That's like only a couple of our friends have gotten car dealership. Nate Bargetzi. Nate could have a car dealership. Shane at this point. Yep.

Don't be gay. Buy a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you gonna fucking ride public transportation like you're from fucking France, dude? That's gay.

That's gay. Buy a car car i'm trying to think who else of our friends could open car dealerships yeah yeah yeah because i think yeah you got to find the second huffle sebastian maniscal we don't know he's not our friend personally but you're not getting you're not getting financing aren't you what are you doing over here you're telling me you're telling me you're not gonna walk off the lot with the new Honda get out of here we got something

discuss me what's the deal with Hondas why are they so affordable they should be affordable Seinfeld Nissan it's a rug it's an SUV but it drives

like a car yeah we gotta think of our Sega hustles yeah dude I love it Soder you're gonna be a fucking weed guy

yeah dude I got Venetia's slash Fast Off Danny Smokes Danny Smokes yeah come on down to Danny Smokes

are weeds so good are you mad at me just start having legit freak outs why did you guys hear that do I have cancer touch my neck our weed's so good. Are you mad at me? You start having legit freakouts. Why did you guys hear that? Do I have cancer? Touch my neck.

Yeah, dude, that would be great. I love it. And then Joe List does like a hiking company. He's like, it's beautiful, come camping. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't fucking know, I'm gay. What do you want? I'll suck your fucking dick. I have a kid, please. Yeah. Oh, dude. I mean,

it's like the cool part of where we're at in our careers right now is that we were all micers. Yes. One of my favorite stories with you was I met you through Bobby. Yes, of course. Yeah.

You were in Baltimore, but then you started opening for Bobby Kelly. Mini Bobby. I mean, I was Bobby's mini me. That's how I broke into New York. Yeah. Before anything, before Comptown, before anything. Anything. Bobby's opener who looked exactly like him.

We were both completely bald. I had no mustache. Come here, mini me. Yeah. Come on. Do you want to have some delicious fruits? You know what, dude? Come over here.

Look at you. You're my little mini me. Yeah. But we, I remember you did this tour with Bobby. Now, Bobby Kelly now is one of the sweetest men in the world. Best guys of all time. Because he had a child. Had a child.

And I moved to New York when Max was born. So I almost like track my time in New York with Max's like life. Yeah. Where I'm like, oh my God, my career is a fucking 10 year old. It's crazy. You know what I mean? Like my time in New York is going to be a teenager soon. Like you started opening for Bobby when he still lived in the city.

No, right at the end. He had just gotten the house. Okay. So he just moved out of when he still lived in the city. No, right at the end. He had just gotten the house. Okay, so he just moved out of New York. Just gotten the house. Okay, so yeah, because Max was born in the city. Yeah, no, I met like, I started opening for him

when Max was born, but I hadn't moved yet. Okay. So I like, literally his first birthday party was like when I met everybody. That's nuts. Yeah.

But I remember specifically because when I opened for Bobby, I would get the calls from De rosa and big j where they'd be like how you doing and you're like i'm all right and they're like is he freaked out on you yet you're like not yet and then january 4th through the 6th gonna be at the port in baltimore come on out working on new jokes. Going to hang out, have fun to start off 2024. DanSoder.com for full dates and cities. I'm going to be everywhere. So we'll see you in the year 2024.

Hope you have good holidays, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, all the hits. Happy New Year's, and we'll see you in 2024. It is hilarious. If you look at everybody, all of us had a complicated relationship with our fathers. It's always. Everyone that Bobby, he could just sense that.

You gravitate. You really did. You don't know your dad, do you? Yeah. You want to help form your Sunni Delphi? Right. You want to come to Helium with me?

And you're like, yeah, that'd be great. Yes. I mean, it is, that's like one of the fun parts of comedy is realizing who else that everyone's got some dust on them. There's four types of guys.

But it is weird when you meet someone that had a good life. Totally. Yeah. Like, why are you here? Yeah, exactly. Why the fuck did you do stand up? It's crazy. And they look at it like, well, I just have to hit certain goals.

Yeah. By this quarter. Or my parents will be upset. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. stand up it's crazy and they look at it like well i just have to hit certain goals yeah by the by this quarter or my parents will be upset yeah yeah yeah yeah i try to explain to people because comedy is very popular now there's like younger comics i'll meet on the road who mc or whatever one of the clubs and i try to explain to them the embarrassment of telling people you're a comic 10 years ago oh yeah more than like 10 years 10 10 and over that's crazy you're telling me people are doing it with pride now that's fucking weird that's what i mean that's fucking weird comic it's awesome oh dude it would it ruined my family for years

well apparently also you have an immigrant family that busted their ass off so they're working to give you a better life. Dude, totally. My dad abandoned. He's like, I left my family. Yeah. I missed my father's funeral. Oh, I mean, that's like. And it's like.

He's got that real. He was going. Like, I remember. They gave him the last of their money and they put it in their hand. Yeah. And they're like. For America. For America.

And he was like, I will make this into something. Yeah, exactly. And so. And then now you're like, tits. I'm like, who's got pussy last time? Yeah. Which one of you motherfuckers got cunt recently? You're getting sucked off.

Your Greek family has no idea that you have a Baltimore accent. Yeah, yeah. You're like, yay. You get fucking sucked off by the water. He's getting pussy over here. Yeah. Who's buying pussy over here? Yeah. Who's buying pussy over at Jimmy Sifu? What's your dad's name?

Manolis. They go, Manolis. How is the new country? How is the new land? He goes, my son talks about blowjobs nonstop. He's bringing disgrace. Because, you know, it's interesting. On the Honest episode, we talked about it.

Because he said, like, I was like, what's up? He's like, I'm a comic. And we actually brought you up. Where he was like, Stavros is just one removed. Dude, one removed. Like, my face, I still, I went to preschool with a Greek accent. Like, I spoke Greek before English. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I was like, in preschool, like like where do I get the blocks I want to play Legos literally dude I was they dressed me up they dressed me my mom dressed me up way too nice for a Baltimore City Public preschool I was getting like all these little black kids are like what's wrong with you I was getting mocked by like yeah we had it was and it was like a really we actually had a crazy diverse school so it was like a ton of like kids from all over sure and so we had a lot of different like a lot of it was like a really, we actually had a crazy diverse school. So it was like a ton of like kids from all over. Sure. And so we had a lot of different, like a lot of, it was like a little melting pot thing. But I remember just coming from a pretty sheltered, I would only watch Greek stuff.

I like, I really, like you never watched Sesame Street. I watched it in Greek, Greek dubs of it. I watched Greek dubs of Aladdin and like, and fucking Little Mermaid and shit like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, let me ask you as as someone that watched dubbed stuff, how close does the voiceover work? Like, is Big Bird just like, Hey, lol, counting is one, two, three.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The count's like, one, two, three. Just a guy who doesn't even fucking know how to count. Just a Greek count. Yeah, yeah. But no, it was weird. I mean, it was like pretty... It's all you knew.

It's all I knew, so I had no idea. So when you found out that there was like... It was kind of crazy, dude. And like my parents also like... It's funny to think of me now, but like who I am now, but my mom was pretty strict about... Like I couldn't watch Simpsons, South Park. I'd like go to my friendete's house to watch all that shit

who also was like his parents were well his dad was fresh off the boat yeah but his mom i think grew up in baltimore but it was like but you were born here i was born here but i was in it's crazy how much of a greek community baltimore had yeah well i mean i lived in astoria for as long as i did yeah it's a tight knit no it is And like literally, it's crazy to think about, but my parents, when they moved here in the 80s, there was a like, there was a Greek

like community theater group that like sold tickets. Like they could sustain Greek language live theater. People would come out. There was a store that just sold Greek music. There was like a Greek Sam goodies.

It's so funny you say that. It's so funny you say that it's so funny you say that yeah because i lived obviously in a store yeah i mean you lived across the street from the greek titan the titan grocery store which is a greek which i'm not even kidding we would take field trips and stop at that grocery store i mean you go in there and it's like they don't even make an attempt it's how i felt in arizona when you go to a mexican food restaurant yeah and they didn't speak english a mexican restaurant you'd be like this is gonna be a banger yeah like this is gonna be if there are they're not even trying yeah you're like this food rosas you go

to rosas and tucson and they're like you better have some semblance of what spanish is or you're not gonna be able to get ready to point yeah and. And guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But when I went to Teton, which I called Titan for years. Yeah, Teton, baby. It is Titan, but in Greek people are like Titan. And they'll correct you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I go all across the street from Titan and they go, Teton? Teton. I'm sorry. Yeah. Grape leaves, they would sell the stuffed grape leaves.

They're modest, yep. And when I barely had any money, dude, I would get real high on resin. I would smoke a lot of resin. Scrape the bowl, baby. Remind this, yep. And when I barely had any money, dude, I would get real high on resin. I would smoke a lot of resin. Scrape the bowl, baby. I would scrape the bowl. Scrape the bowl, make a little ball. And make it pop.

Yeah. You know, like. Yes, yes. And I would get. Which is the closest to being a crack fiend. Yes. It's pathetic feeling. It's way pathetic.

You feel pathetic. Yeah, you feel really pathetic. But I would smoke resin. And then the money I had, i would get a pack of smokes from down at the bodega and then i walked to teton i would get a i'd get smokes a dr pepper and then i'd go get those wrapped grape leaves and man that's nice so fucking that's nice dude but next to teton there was the greek music and video superstore is what they called it. And it was right there.

And now it's a CrossFit. Yeah, yeah. I remember it. I remember. That's the place they used to take us. We would go to both. I'm not even kidding. They would bring us on Greek school trips to New York City. We would go to the Met to see Greek statues.

No other parts of that museum. That's so funny. And then they would take the school bus to Queens, and we would stop at a Greek grocery store and CD shop. That was like, that was going to New York. And the joke my old roommate Vic and I would always make

was that it was only filled with my big fat Greek American wedding. My big fat Greek wedding. But if you went in, it was only the soundtrack and the DVD. We'd go, is this all you guys have? Just a poster of Yanni on the wall?

Oh, Yanni was another big one. Shout out to Nia Vardalos. Yeah. A fucking legend. A legend in the community. The most profitable romantic comedy ever made. Did you know that? Is what?

My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Is that really? The first one, for real. You know there's three of them? Oh, yeah. Do you guys have to watch them? Well, dude, not have to. We choose out of our, because we love good art to watch them.

Yeah, you love cinema. Have to is a, there's a weird connotation there, Dan. It's cinema. It's cinema, okay? You're telling me. The whole franchise. Well, that's always crazy to me. When you found out that Sesame Street was in English.

Yeah. Did you feel like ripped off? I was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. didn't make more sense it was just we i just i don't know it was just kind of like what age did you start figuring that stuff out i think when i went to preschool and it was like everyone like everything's in english like my parents just kind of gave up once i was once i was in like yeah they're like you got like you figure it out and you want to do american shit with what everybody else is i remember the funniest thing was though that there was like i got paired up with like a white trash girl shout out and it was like we were playing house yeah

we're playing she goes hit me no hit me as hard as you can it's not you're not far off where it was like where everyone's like oh you get assigned like play buddies and everyone's like playing fucking legos or like tag or whatever and she wanted like play buddies and everyone's like playing fucking Legos or like tag or whatever. And she wanted to play house. And I was like a really like when I was I was like there was some culture shock. I was also it's hard to think of, but a shy kid when I first got there. I think it makes everything you're saying. It makes sense on why you would be shy.

English isn't your first language. Yeah. You come from a very strict house where they're like letting you know that you're in the outside world. Even though that's true. Even though that's where you're born and raised yeah yeah like you're like i had a weird thing in denver because i moved there when i was five yeah and i felt like all my friends were from there and no matter even though i grew up there interesting i always felt like yeah but i wasn't born right like i grew up here but you were born and raised there but it was opposite because they were going like everyone's an outsider totally no 100 and we would call i mean to this day in greektown you would call people like non-greeks you would say americans you would

be like i'm gonna go hang out with some americans yeah like but the chinese do that with chinatown like they do that thing where they like get their little lock until we didn't consider ourselves americans that's nuts so i was like i was i was paired off with this little white trash girl and she was like let's play house and i was like okay like i don't know i'm a little boy i've never played i think you mean single wide yeah yeah you want to play single right so the house was was like, sit down over there. She's like pointed to a chair and she starts sweeping. She puts a baby doll under her dress and she starts yelling at me to do something. She's like, you're just sitting there.

Like, I'm not exaggerating at all. This little girl, her idea of playing house was a pregnant woman berating her husband into cleaning more. And you're like, what is this? And I literally was like, what the fuck? And then she, she drops the baby out of her thing. She's like, ah, she starts screaming, dude. And it, that has burned into my fucking head. Dude, I was like freaked out.

I went to the teacher immediately and I was like, ah, I don't know what's going on. Also, can we do a wellness check on you at home? And I told my mom and like, and this is like day, this't know what's going on. Also, can we do a wellness check on you at home? And I told my mom, and this was like day, this was so early on in preschool, and it was like, I can't imagine my mom freaking out about everything she thought about public school. She's like, great, now my son's exposed to white trash, Maryland, being like, okay, you sit down.

Now, again. Oh my God, what the hell are you doing? Michael, get your fucking ass off. Oh, you lazy piece of shit, you sit down. Now, again. Oh, my God. What the hell are you doing? Michael, get your fucking ass off. Oh, you lazy piece of shit. You're drunk. You lost money on the Wizards. My sister was right. Yeah.

My sister was right. I should have never listened to my dad. I should have married that black guy. Yeah. Instead, you said you had a factory job, and now you're getting hammered down to the Orioles games. Dude, it was. Dude, it is really funny when little kids tell on their parents like that. Dude, it was fucking wild.

Because I always was like, I always thought it was, and I didn't even realize this. I'm not even, I'm really realizing this kind of right now in the moment. Yes, yes, yes.

I used to think it was funny to take shots of like water when I was little and then act like... And I didn't realize that they're like, yo, this kid's parents got a problem. And I'm always like, they take like and I didn't realize that they're like yo this kid's parents

got a problem cause I'm always like they take like blue water and I'm going but I always thought it was funny take a couple shots getting one of those

like fucking electric cars crash into a pole yeah and then just run yeah and just run naked down the hallway yeah

but I always thought when I was a kid that it was funny to take a sip and wince cause my parents so I'd be like. Yeah. And by the way, if I saw that, a little kid do that, I'd be like, this kid's fucking hilarious. I'd be like, this kid's awesome.

And then you think for one second why he's doing that, and you're like, ah, damn. That's funny, because that little girl doing that is very funny on the surface. But then any thought into it, and you're like, oh. And then you're like, oh my god, her life is brutal. Screaming as a baby comes out. Screaming and be like, are you patient? Like, not cursing, but like screaming. Yeah, why are you so lazy?

Totally, dude. I had a baby at prom. So you start saying something. We gotta put this baby in the dumpster. And you're like, oh my god, what have you seen? Brutal stuff. And I don't remember her. I don't remember her from the rest of, since they might have moved. I don't remember I don't remember her from the rest of they might have moved I don't

know did you with your parents were you guys in a community that was like protected did you feel like if there was a problem at school and you would go home and tell your parents would they like close ranks with the other greek people oh that's interesting like we got a problem with these actually yes yeah I'm not that so funny. I never thought of that. But yeah, there was like a secondary like, because like we all carpool. Sure. At the elementary school, not so much because it was like we pretty much, we were the biggest part of the community.

But yeah, they were, they had fucking my, my, they were PTA meetings. They were like, they were running shit back then. Yo, Greeks close rank. They do. Probably better than any immigrants. Yeah. Yeah. I would say the Chinese and the Greeks.

Yeah. The Chinese got it pretty good. They close ranks in a way where they're like, we're not even going to put up your lettering. Yeah. Yeah. Would you guys do something? Yeah.

I've learned that Taverna is on everything. Yeah. It just means a tavern. Yeah. Tavern. But I was, uh, I'm always impressed with that,

with like Greeks. Oh dude. Because we were just like, I was just a suburban kid. So it was like very, everything was like pro-American. Right. Everything was very American. No, dude, we would like, there was guys where it was like, there'd be a couple guys that got like, because the Baltimore City Police was so dog shit, they would fire the commissioner

constantly. Right. And when I was growing up in the 90s in Baltimore, it was not good at all. You know, it was tough. It's when it inspired the wire. It's when the wire was written and stuff. Right. So one.

And so they would have interim commissioners constantly. And one of the interim commissioners happened to be Greek. Was that a big day in the community? Dude, it was. You want what Rudy Giuliani did to New York? Yeah. He did time stand to Greektown where it was just like, he was like, take it out of Greektown.

They were just like police brutality-ing any teenager that was on the street. Greektown went from like the shittiest place to just like, this motherfucker cleaned it up through the like iron rule of law. Yeah, it was the broken window rule. Yeah, there was no due process.

They were getting fucking batons. The batons were getting a nice little workout. It is funny to think if you're just like a regular white guy in Baltimore and you're like, yeah, did you see how nice Greek town is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like going by and noticing how, but it's only Greek town. Dude, it's an eight by nine block neighborhood. That's so funny.

And so we got such a hilarious surplus of funding. And then it was the same thing. It was like there was one guy who who was a lawyer that worked in the mayor's office. And I had a friend who didn't get into... The way Baltimore's high school system works too, it's dog shit if you go to your regular

school. But we had magnet schools that if you were like, you know, you could test into and get into. It's fucked up to make kids jump through hoops to be like, hey, you might have a shot in life if you get into these maybe these four high schools get out of that swamp and everyone else is fucked you know but one of my friends didn't get in and they just like their parent called this guy and then they just like oh yeah we actually uh they took a look at your admittance again and you're actually in now when they would when that guy would become like the police chief or whatever would the greek parents be like be a cop because one was running

it did they ever do that no we never did no that's interesting there was no because i feel like um like right now you know at the new york giants yeah yeah what's that quarterback's name tommy devito tommy devito yeah i almost called him Anthony DeVito, our friend's name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shout out to Tony. Shout out to Anthony DeVito. Shout out to Fat Tony DeVito. Fat Tones.

Recently married. But now you got Tommy DeVito. Italians are very big on like, there's going to be a lot of kids in New Jersey going like, and he drops back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carvizzi drops back. Hey, it's back. Italians are quarterbacks. Everyone says. You had two years, back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carvizzi drops back. Hey, it's back. Italians are quarterbacks.

Everyone says. You had two years, blacks. Running? How about a quarterback that can make a sauce? That's what they're thinking. I also like that he goes like this. He does. I mean.

That's all marketing. He is completely. I mean, the guy's a. He's like a caricature of an Italian. Yeah. It's crazy. It's like he's doing Italian face. He lives with his parents.

Not just in Jersey, with his parents in Jersey. Did you see the tailgate? The tailgate for the game of the Packers on Monday night, they had 40 people in the parking lot, and the spread was nuts. Oh, I believe that. The guy was like, you got a little sausage and peppers. He's like, it's stuff I've never even heard about.

He's like, there's a little pucca oil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bragadool. Get a little Bragadool. Get a little magellan. And then we're going to move over. I don't even know what that is. They're like, this guy fucking forgot about.

But there's something about it. Because you're in the AFC. Ravens are number one in the AFC. Ravens, baby. Niners are number one in the NFC. Are we getting a rematch? We weren't friends the last Niners. We didn't know each other, Niners.

Super Bowl XLVII was Niners-Ravens. The Harbaugh Bowl. It was. The Har Bowl. Yeah, the Har Bowl. We might be getting that. We play each other on Christmas. We do.

Or the Christmas game. In? Baltimore. Oh, in Baltimore. No, in Levi's. Oh, okay. Because I was going to say, if it was in Baltimore, I might have gone. No, it's in Levi's. It's the New Year's Eve game, Dolphins. That's Dolphins. Oh, okay. Because I was going to say, if it was in Baltimore, I might have gone. No, it's in Levi's.

It's the New Year's Eve game, Dolphins at Ravens. That's Dolphins. I might go to that one. Fins up, baby. I'm thinking about it. We're about to fuck your boy in the ass. Mikey sent me a fucking game ball, dude. Mikey gave me a game ball to beat Belichick.

Oh, that's pretty sick. So I was like, dude, I got to save that. Yeah, that is good. You can always... I got to go to Monday Night Football and go to the Titans game and hang out. Oh, wait, the one that they lost? Yeah, it was tough. It was just this Monday.

It was a tough... Shout out to the Titans. Fuck you guys. Number one seed thanks to you guys. I mean, fuck, man. It was... I've only been when he's won. So that must have been tough. When you lose... Because also, this was a loss... Change the car right now. It's also a loss that you weren been tough. When you lose. Because also this was a loss. Changes the car right home. It's also a loss that you weren't expecting.

No. You know, everyone penciled this in. Before the game, I was like, stomp them out. This will be easy. They're four and eight. Bye. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. For the one seed, too. They needed it to stay the one seed. And then in the game, you go, okay. Oh, this is interesting. Well, you don't realize, like, Mike's wife always says, it's our livelihood. She used to say that when I would coach. Because, like, when he used to coach for Washington, I would go up there.

I'd go down there. But I'd go down there for, like, Niners games. And I'd be like, can I wear Niners stuff? And his wife would always be like, it's our livelihood. And I'd be like, yeah, but go Niners. Yeah, but come on. But I would sit with like the coaching yeah yeah i sat with um when when he was in washington i went to 49ers at redskins

and we were in the stands and i had to sit with the coach's wives and there was one niner fan that was like talking shit this is when the 49ers were real good it's like 2012 2013 so they were like we were one of the best teams in the nfc dog walking the the skins yeah yeah yeah every time i'd be like like i would flex but then nice this guy started talking shit like aggressively talking shit and i'd be like to like the just anyone just the section i was, because you were in the visiting wives section. No, no, we were at home. So this was like all the coaches' wives. Oh, shit. The Niners were away.

And this guy was getting so aggressive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That at one point I had to like, instead of flashing a badge, I had to pull up my sweatshirt and be like, hey, I'm a Niners fan. I was like, you got to chill the fuck out. You're making us look bad, Chief. I was like, dude, you got to chill out. And it really was like flashing a badge. He was like, you got to chill the fuck out. You're making us look bad, Chief. I was like, dude, you got to chill out. And he saw it, and it really was like flashing a badge.

And he was like, all right. Respect. I don't respect women, but a fellow Niner fan. Yeah, that's absolutely good. He's like, I don't care about ruining this women's day. Go Niners. He really did the thing where I was like, hey. Hey, come on.

And he went, bang, bang, Niner, guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was almost like, hey, man, I'm undercover. You're blowing my cover. He's like, I got it. Sorry. He had had a blanket around him i remember this guy was going nuts but it is you like you don't realize uh like these people for us it's like a fun game to go yeah yeah but for them it's like well look i don't mean to push back now but do your boy mike's now in the beautiful phase where it's almost like, and he's a great coach.

I wish him the most success. But there's no better thing in life. The best gig of all time is a fired NFL coach because they have to pay you the end of that fucking contract. Oh, yeah, dude. So I don't want him to get fired. I think he's doing great stuff. I want him to lose to the Ravens, obviously.

No. Disagree. Hard to disagree. But if I could literally choose one profession to have, it would be recently fired NFL coach. I will see that. Let me get fired

with three years on a fucking, you know, $5 million a year contract. Oh, think about a fired college football coach. Oh, that guy, that guy's like... Jimbo Fisher?

Jimbo. He's got like a $70 million deal that's like saying that. You're right. Recently fired college is better. College. Because you got booster money going in there. Oh god you got weird money you got illuminati money absolutely absolutely money where they were invited to a party where they're like do you want to watch

a woman get sacrificed yeah and you're like for what like rotad you know how much bloodletting nick saban has watched where he's like all right that's all right this is beautiful fellas yeah he goes great boys all right roll tide i'm gonna All right, this is beautiful, fellas. Yeah, he goes, great boys. All right, roll tide. I'm going to have boys out. Yeah. I think the best job in sports. That's awesome, dude. College football Illuminati. I think Matt Leinart had the best career.

Okay. Because he was the king at USC. King at USC when they were awesome. I mean, unbelievable. Yeah. I mean, right behind Carson Palmer. Carson Palmer wins the Heisman. Leinart comes in and wins the Heisman.

So you're like on the same level. They lost the championship though, right? 0-5. DeVince Young. Greatest game. So crazy. Greatest college football game that I remember watching. Outside of like that Auburn-Alabama where Auburn took that kickoff back.

That was crazy. Cam Newton senior year. That was nuts. But Matt Leinert goes to the NFL. Top 10 draft pick to Arizona. Yes, the Cardinals. off back that was crazy cam newton senior year that was nuts yeah but matt liner goes the nfl top 10 draft pick to arizona yes the cardinals that's right doesn't play he plays a little bit doesn't he played a little bit yeah but it wasn't that good yeah yeah right true true that fat first round draft pick yeah contract goes to oakland for the the Raiders backup for the rest of the time. Yep.

Gets a couple snaps in. Now is just on the booth. No, you're right. Backup QB in terms of athletes. Yes. Backup rules. You want to take the less amount of damage for the most amount of money. Yeah.

Because like, I think the worst is running back. Oh, the worst. You're just getting smashed and then you barely get paid. No, it's crazy. Because they don't pay running backs like they used to. They don't pay them at all, dude. running back oh the worst getting smashed and then you barely get paid no it's crazy because they don't pay running backs like they used they don't pay them at all dude they've they've wisened up but it's like it's fucked up they treat it they treat them like you know like a like a farm animal or some shit like a mule like a mule yeah yeah beat the shit out of them and they're like

put them down yeah yeah yeah yeah if you could if you could play professional sports, any sport, and have like, you're going to have a career. Yeah. What sport? When you say going to have a career, just I'm a journeyman? Not necessarily. You might be a glue guy. Right, right, right. You might be a guy that blows up in the playoffs a couple times.

Okay, okay, okay. And then you return to average form. You're not a superstar. No, no no no but you do stuff that people in the city recognize you're not ray lewis right you're bart scott right i would i would choose i think i would still choose hoops because honestly soccer or hoops because of the crazy amount of money that you make sure and it doesn't fuck your body up and it's culturally it's cool hoops is cool but you are you gotta worry about your knees yeah yeah weird breaks gonna get slapped in the face of

the back of the head yeah yeah I'll go golf golf you're that's good it's just beautiful courses that's good yeah you're always in great weather. Yeah Yeah, only play it when it's good. That's right, and you could play Your whole career yeah, then you go to the senior tour senior sources like a good time. Yeah, that's true But it's not cool. It isn't cool. It is what he Dennis had the best answer to this hit me with he said Premier League Star yeah, so then you go to Europe. You're a fucking rock star. Yeah, for sure. So then you go to Europe, you're a fucking rock star.

Yeah. Come back here, you don't get bothered. That's a great point. You can still go to the store. No, soccer is really probably the answer because we have no understanding of how famous soccer players are in the rest of the world. And you're in such great shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And their wives are all...

Good shape. Golf wives, though. Golf wives aren't bad. No, this whole thing, you're getting incredible pussy any way you slice it. But I just think, like, soccer... What do you think sports gets the ugliest? Which sport do you think gets the worst women? Hmm.

You're a womanizer. You love the women. I do like women. You love the ladies. I do like the women. I mean, it's... I guess I don't want to say... I mean, they all get hot women.

You know what I mean? Like, you're tempted to say like hockey But some girls love hockey players Oh my god that girl that played house with you You probably ended up with a hockey player Hockey players are the toughest sons of bitches I'm going to say arena league football Like imagine the arena league football groupies

I gotta go to the arena Just the way they say it I gotta go to the arena. Just the way they say it. I'm going to the dome. My buddy Aaron that I grew up with, I played high school football with him. He was great. He was super funny. He played Arena League football for like eight years. Wow. And he like won a championship

and shit. Dude, I might unrobe. It's getting hot in here. Yeah, disrobe, brother. Disrobe. I definitely think there is something to be said. I mean, I bet you Arena League football groupies are similar to low-level podcasting groupies. Are there? Do low-level podcasts? I would say it's honestly on point with comedy.

Yeah. It's just comedy in general. Feature. Bust out the Stone Cold shirt, dude. Oh, that's awesome. And that's the bottom line. The worst groupies, low-level wrestling. Low-level wrestling's tough the bottom line the worst groupies low level wrestling

low level wrestling low level wrestling groupies gotta be a real tough look yeah you remember when you took out

commando yeah you were in that blading match my dad lost a lot of money on your you're like

your dad bet on wrestling isn't that crazy DraftKings does that that's crazy you have to be the next level retard to be fucking

wagering money. You're either the dumbest person on earth or you have a legit gambling problem. Also, can't you just... That's gonna be a scandal so fast.

Someone is figuring out... Like, they know who wins. Yeah, get the dirt sheet. It's gonna happen. Yeah, yeah. Get the dirt sheet, turn around, and have a hell of a parlay.

Fuck yeah, dude. If I was getting fired at the WWE, like if I worked for WWE or AEW and I knew I was getting fired, it's immediately what I'd do. 100%. It's going to happen. Put a $20,000 parlay down. Yeah. On,

on the Miz winning a three-way match. How did you know KO was going to win that handcuff match? I just had a feeling. By the way, how fucking awesome was it that Vince McMahon was accused of being a rapist, disappeared, and came back with the most rapist Pepe Le Pew mustache I've ever seen in my life.

I mean, that really is crazy. He looked like he was tying bitches to the train tracks, dude. If you've never seen it, we'll put a picture up right now. And it's not even, when you think mustache, it's just hair above his lips. He has the John Waters mustache, which is like, a gay guy can do that because it's campy. A straight man is a rapist. There's no two ways around it.

Villain, yeah. If he's not raping. I love how you say or. Or. As if there's rapists that are misunderstood. Sometimes guys just need what they want. You know, sometimes a man has needs. You can push a man too far.

Yeah. It really is. If you have that mustache, you have to convince people you're not a bad guy. Right, right, right, right. I know how this looks. I know. I'm just, you know. I volunteer with orphans.

This is a community theater. We're doing, you know, I have to look like this. is a community theater. We're doing it. I have to look like this. Oh, my God. Just along the lip. And he also came back with his hair dyed black. Man, the Vince McMahon story, when all is said and done, and all the skeletons can truly come out of the closet. Because you have to understand, I mean, I'm a lifelong wrestling fan.

It is carnival performance it's very close to what we do why so many love wrestling and so many wrestlers love comedy is because we understand that we are both carnival performers the lowest rung of show business Sagalow and I were driving to Vermont

and we kept doing this thing about like like a jester that's obsessed with cancel culture. Oh, my Lord. He's got bells on his feet. He's like, oh, I might get canceled for this. What walks in the woods?

And I was like, you're doing riddles, but you're like, don't cancel me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's so ridiculous. I mean, what's lean and strong

and has never met his father? Oh, you're a performer. But I think the thing that bugs me the most, and you're very good at this, is when people take comedy too seriously. Oh, sucks. And you're like, dude, this is... It sucks.

It's fuck around time. Yeah. Constantly. I think John got it on tape when we were coming in and we were like, let's podcast. But we were jokingly being like let's get in the zone brother i've been sick for like a fucking month well i had covid but then i got a head cold and i'm getting over it now but the whole thing my doctor was like don't smoke weed so i've just

been eating edibles oh my god dude but before he came over, like Katie, I was like, hey, should I smoke a little bit of weed? She's like, I'm not your mom. But she really was like, you fucking idiot. What do you want? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was like, can I have permission? Can I please smoke weed, mom? Can I have the thing that makes me happy?

To be a silly boy? But you really like, there's nothing that bugs me more than when people, because you can talk about it. Like I had a great conversation with Bargetzi this morning about joke writing. Yeah. But we weren't taking it like too serious. I definitely am interested in the technical aspects of comedy. I love it, right? But keep that shit quiet.

Quiet. It's embarrassing. It is. It's embarrassing. You have to act like you're a closeted gay man in the 20s. Yeah, yeah. When you talk about actually comedy. Well, of course we'll handle that business. And then you look at your friend man in the 20s. Yeah, yeah. When you talk about actually comedy.

Well, of course we'll handle that business. And then you look at your friend, you tap his foot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, meet me in this bathroom stall to talk about tags. And you go like, so what this premise? I just don't feel like it's getting over. And then someone exposes you and you're like, well, get that away from me.

No, you get out of here. No, we were talking about business. Yeah. We were talking about how growing a platform. Yeah, whispering premises through a glory hole. Yeah's so cool did you ever think about like what it would feel like to work at a carnival there you go you know that's pretty good because it wasn't it was always like back to kind of what we were saying earlier it was like embarrassing to tell people you did comedy when we started yeah it was i kept it. I kept it like I was a closeted gay man. Totally.

I couldn't tell my, I think I knew my whole life and I could not tell my family because it was like, they would disappoint them. Who was the most disappointed? My father, without question. Like my mom,

my mom was disappointed because my mom has this warped idea. She's like a quintessential immigrant mom who's just like, you come over, she's baking baked goods for all my friends. Can I, real time out yeah before we get to your mom katie was really hoping we were gonna get some of your mom so okay i don't want everybody to think my mom hates them she had a hip surgery and it took her out of the out of the kitchen brother say no more okay say no more i have i think I have to send everyone a postcard

because they probably think I'm like not friends with them anymore legitimately Katie goes do you think he's bringing cookies little V is out Venetia is out

for the count I told Papa this I told Tom Papa this and he was literally like you don't need your hip to make cookies he didn't even want to hear it he didn't even want to hear it

I mean I slipped my C5 I still made bread and Papa's like Tom Papa's like getting mad about people not baking. He goes, oh, really? Well, you tell her I had a hernia. Yeah. Still got up and made delicious croissants.

Come on. We made some sourdough. We played through the pain. Yeah. I got a rye that cost me this fang out. So your mom's got like this like warped. Well, dude, she thought I was going to be a kid that goes to like Harvard at 12 well dude she thought I was gonna be a kid that was like Harvard at 12 she literally thought I was like the smartest kid and I'm not I was never I

was like good at standardized tests right yeah and I think that gave her like a really did you get good grades I got pretty good grades yeah I was a good student I was good at tests um and I got also the immigrant mom thing yeah I definitely had that like, the guilt of like you have to do good in school. And I also figured out pretty quickly, like I was smart, but I also figured out like, oh, I could cheat certain times. Like I just figured out a way to get good grades on my report card. Sure. Half the time that was learning half the time that was cheating in high school, you know, figured out a way to like I had a buddy who took a trig exam right before me. And I got him to to put all the answers in

the calculator, and I just had them. He was so smart. Part of American schooling is learning how to cheat. Learning how to cheat. And if you don't cheat, you're a dork. Yeah, absolutely. You're just a dork. To succeed, you must cheat.

Just learn how to do it. Yeah, yeah. I'm not saying do it all the time. Yes. No, I say, yeah, whatever. Who cares? But in school? School's bullshit anyway. They don't really care no so learn what you can yeah cheat the rest so i had a i had

a cheating ring going on about like you would get the kids from the first period to take down the to write down their answers really hard and then we just traced the answers they would write them down hard on double? Double paper. They just double paper. And then they would like, hey. And then you'd sketch like in movies when detectives do. Not even kidding, literally. That's what we would do.

You would just do like the light shade. And then we would have the answers, and then you'd just memorize them. It was fucking awesome. I loved cheating. I did love cheating. But my mom thought, so when I was like, I'm going to do comedy, she was like, she literally thought I was depriving the world of my mind. Why didn't you do it? Is that the speech she gave you? Literally, dude. I'm not to do comedy she was like she literally thought I was depriving the world of my mind why are you doing is that the speech

she gave you literally did I'm not even kidding she was like you could do so much for the world I know and this is what

you do sillies you go to Timonium you go to Magubis and then it's like mom I'm sorry mom you were so wrong but then she saw that I was working

hard at it my dad like when he heard i was doing he literally i get a call from my dad when i'm graduating college and he's like your mother told me you're first of all i answer the phone like hello and he's and all i hear is you've been doing comedy before i started comedy i started comedy freshman year okay took a big break because because of the immigrant guilt sure i was like so immediately you did comedy you're like you did comedy, and you're like, my parents are going to disown me. Everyone's going to be disappointed.

And I was like, all right, I'm going to try school for real for a year. And I did it. I literally interned at the House of Delegates, the Maryland House of Delegates. I did some real shit. And I had good grades. I had a 4.0 until my senior year. Of college? Of college, yeah.

That's insane. It was political science and history. It's pretty easy. No, I mean, those were awesome. If you would have said communications, I would have given you that. Political science is pretty tough. It was whatever. And then I was just so depressed.

I was like, I have to do comedy. So senior year, I just do it. And my dad, I get a call from my dad, and it's just like I just sigh. No way. And I'm like hello? And he's like no hello, no nothing.

He's like your mother told me you're gonna do comedy now? And I was like yeah, yeah I'm gonna do comedy. And then another just like another

and a hang up. That was the conversation. That was the whole thing? Holy shit. And it was like nice man. conversation That was the whole thing Holy shit And it was like Nice man Thanks for supporting me Did you feel

Did you feel any like I'm gonna get him I'm gonna get him back No Honestly I wish I had that But there was nothing That wasn't really how I felt

It was just like It was just like I just kind of disregarded it I was like Who cares Were you kind of just like Bummed out Like oh man you know it's

hard to say i i mean i don't want to i guess i just didn't really expect much to be honest like it was like my dad always was like and we're getting better now like we're trying to he's gotta be proud now yeah yeah you're making money now he came to the he came to the baltimore shows and it was i think it was like because i went the Lyric And it's a fucking huge awesome venue And I think this year kind of dawned on him And we talked for the first time in a while We're trying to get It's also like mortality happens

People start being Like my dad is getting up there And I think he's starting to realize I would think after the success of Come Town I would think after the success of your of your podcast of stand up there wasn't a moment where he was like oh was your mom like oh my mom was as soon as she saw that i was working hard she was on board even when i hadn't made it like before anything and my mom was back when you're on the road with bobby and stuff even before that even

when i was open micing but she saw that i had a day job and then i went to dc every night and then i was working on she just wanted she thought I was just like taking, getting an excuse not to work because I'm also lazy. She thought I was like, oh, you're going to do comedy, you're going to get drunk and do open mics, you know,

which was the first like couple years of it, right? But yeah, it was like, but then with my dad, it was just, you know, we're just, we're getting back in the zone and it's so funny though with my mom where she was proud from the jump

and it's so funny once Comptown popped, she would be like proud from the jump, and it's so funny, once Comptown popped, she would be like, I called her talking to her friends and being like, yes, he has a show. It's like a radio show with his friends, and they're making money, and it's going very good. And then I just hear a pause, and then she's like, what's it called? It's called come town

I bet she refuses to go and see you and it was the cutest come to my town come to my town and be a friend come to my town and have a good time

I was on the road with Mullen right before you guys started it. And he was like, yeah, I want to do this podcast because I want to make the logo look like cum. Look like jizz. That was the whole idea. That was the only thing.

The whole idea. He worked so hard on that logo. It was so funny. Because that's his mind. When he wants to do something, he wants to do that specific thing. He's locked in. And he was like, I want to make it look like cum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. that specific thing he's locked in and he was like I want to make it look like cum yeah but now

like with your when your dad goes and sees your stand up it's like there's sex stuff in there is he how does he feel about the sex stuff

see that's the thing is like I do come from dirt bags yeah so he's like it's not the vulgarity at all he's like

I liked when you asked that guy if he could suck off no totally no my godfather dude my dad's best friend, is the horniest. Is he from Greece? Oh, is he from Greece?

Dude, this guy is the Greekest, horniest. Like, he's a caricature. Yeah. He's like. He does a lot of chest rubbing. A lot of chest. Horny guys like to go like this. Always open.

Always open. And they always go like this. What are you questioning? Yeah. How are you doing? Yeah. And he, like, he's so. So he's a de facto uncle. Oh, he's so like he's so

so he's a de facto uncle oh he's yeah exactly I don't see him as much but it's like dude this guy is so traditional that it went all the way around and he's polyamorous again

where it's like he's such the man is so in charge that he's just like I'm gonna go get pussy just telling his wife that he's getting pussy and she's like

go ahead sweetheart like they have the such a traditional setup that they have an open relationship. That's so funny. Because he just openly talks about getting pussy in front of her. And I was talking to Daniel Simonson about this last night, where, like, when we started comedy, you would get afraid of conservative audiences.

Yeah. You'd be like, I can't talk about a lot of shit in front of these conservative audiences. And now you're like, they're liberal. I can't talk about a lot of stuff to these liberal audiences. Right, right,'t right right right right right right right stavi's world podcast that's right fat rascal on netflix like i said you're the fucking best you're the best i love you i love and i i'm so glad that we can make katie feel bad about your mom's cookies yeah yeah me too we're about to go right now i didn't know how I was going to face her.