Soder - The Sludge with Sam Tallent | Soder Podcast | EP 17

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

This episode Dan is joined by comedian Sam Tallent! They talk about all things Colorado. The TRUTH about Arby's and MEAT. The worlds TALLEST man with the worlds SMALLEST woman. First mushroom trip stories. Cloudy piss and blind nachos! Check out Sam's special here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eIUA1jfEk0 PLEASE Drop us a rating on iTunes and subscribe to the show to help us grow. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/soder/id1716617572 Dan is on the road all 2024! Get tickets @ https://www.dansoder.com/tour March 8-9 Cincinnati,OH March 10 Lexington,KY March 28-30 Nashville,TN April 12-13 Omaha,NE April 19-21 Washington,DC May 31st - June 1 Columbus,OH Follow Sam Tallent https://www.instagram.com/samtallent/?hl=en Connect with me! Twitter: https://Twitter.com/dansoder Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dansoder Tiktok: https://www.tiktok.com/@dansodercomedy Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/dansoder Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/@dansoder.comedy #dansoder #standup #comedy #entertainment #podcast Produced by  @homelesspimp  https://www.instagram.com/thehomelesspimp/?hl=en

Did you ever take the 83 bus from like right around Chinese like behind Chinese man into Denver? Yeah, of course. You know where the last stop was on that bus? No, Montbello. And I fell asleep on it one time and woke up Parker and a Rappaho. The last stop on if you didn't get off in Denver at Civic Center, it went on to Montbello and I fell asleep on there one time and woke up and was like, where we're not in Colorado. Yeah, dude.

That's the every black in Colorado. I would just put them all around up of the mountain time. So it's just the billips family. That's like the New York equivalent of when I fell asleep on the four train. Yeah. I woke up in the South Bronx. I was like, well, uh-oh. Well, you throw your wallet out of Well, uh-oh comes to mind.

Uh-oh comes to mind. By the way, if you don't want a Denver-centric episode, skip it. Oh yeah, turn it off right now. Don't knock your watch some other stuff because I'm telling you right now, having Sam Talent here on my podcast, I just want to talk to you about all the stuff in Denver.

Me too, dude. I was hoping you would do it. I mean, he did bust out the, the Broncos Jersey. I thought it was a modern Mecklenburg, which is a cool. It's a good eye. And hey, hey brother, can we just take a moment? Randy Gratt of Shars in the hall. So he is with, you know, what? I know that doesn't matter for you with Patrick Willis. Yeah. Okay. All right. Let's not start doing that. Oh, you mean the handsome, powerful black man who played for an empire versus the

orange crush figurehead. Those guys who are your dad's friends. Oh, dude, just smashing into people. I don't know what my dad's going to talk about now. Oh, really? Because that's all he would ever like. I'd be like, was that his Pete Rose? Yeah. Yeah. He's like, Radish Shars on the hall. He had 204 tackles a year for 10 years straight. Dude,-school Bronco fans just being like Craig Morton Before Tom Jackson was yapping his mouth on ESPN. He was running a 3-4 D before anyone else

Welcome to the 5-2-8. This is gonna be heavy Colorado top. You're Lewis. I'm floor wax You're Lewis, I'm Floorwax. I'm scared, dude. Let's get it. KTCL. Rocks the Rockies. That was 93-3. KBPI was Lewis' or Floorwax. 106-7.

Yeah, that rocked the Rockies. That's where I learned about Rush. That was my alarm clock, and I woke up to Tom Sawyer in fifth grade, and I was like, this song fucking rules. Yeah, you're like, I must still be dreaming. I was like, dee dee dee dee dee dee dee. I was like, fuck. And then I went downstairs and it was like right

when my mom started dating my stepdad and I was like, hey, who's the band Tom Sawyer and my mom's boyfriend was like, you mean Rush? I like swimmed with that song, yeah. That was a good boyfriend, bad boyfriend was the swimmer. Good stepdad was like you mean rush. I like swim to that song. No, that was a good boyfriend bad boyfriend was the swimmer Okay, good stepdad. Yeah was like a He he actually lived in Load like he lived in downtown like near Capitol Hill, which is the coolest thing you can do not back then though

This is no, but I mean like I knew a couple dudes whose dads would break up with like their moms and then move down to like five points Yeah, and you get to go hang out down there and be like, what? They run around the alleys. You guys had jazz? Yeah, all this time. What's all this flavored food? Yeah, what is that? It's like red chili, but it smells a little bit better.

It was, but dude, yeah, this is gonna be so Colorado. KTCL was cool. That's where I learned about Oasis for the first time. Yeah, they were alternative. They were the modern rock alternative. A lot of sex and candy nonstop. Yeah, Marcy playground constantly being played. Yeah.

I remember going, they did an annual show at Red Rocks. Mm-hmm. And... Is it the Christmas one? No, it was the summer one. Yeah, yeah. You remember Nick Cage? Of course.

Yeah, he was... I met him when I was in high school and I was like, I want to do radio because I wanted to do comedy and radio. And he was like, yeah, it's all being, it's all being phased out by computers. And I was like, nah, really? That's all his voices I can do though. And he was like, sorry kid.

He really did like to stay away. And then I moved to Tucson and got into radio. I was like, fuck that K-Hitch, I'm a Liu Kang guy. Liu Kang. I was like, I'm a Kano. Hey, you can do Liu Kang, but don't do the voice. All right, there's still terrestrial radio. Can I, yeah, don't do the him flying through the air kicking.

Which was just three suges. Wa-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- great if they made him do that, like actual three stuge. I gouging. I, and you're like, that's, that was a Asian warrior. This one up and down the face. Fatality. Yeah. Yeah. Yiddish fatality. So you grew up in Elizabeth, Eastern Colorado, the forgotten maligned part of our beautiful Centennial State.

It is crazy how a Colorado does not start till it's Denver. Doesn't give a shit. If you're from, if you're from the Denver area, I'm from Aurora. Colorado doesn't start until you hit Denver. No, no, and then it ends once you hit like 120th. And then I think it ends even once you, before Parker and all that, like where comedy works south is,

I don't count Greenwood villages Denver. That was crazy because my whole life was watching that get built up. Cause living in Aurora, you watched it like grow and grow. Now all my friends I grew up with, not all of them, but a lot of them live in Parker. Yeah. Live in.

Everyone lives in Parker. Yeah. And I fucking hate Parker, bro, because I'm from Elver County. Oh, yeah. I have like nothing but blood that I want to spill in Parker. You have contempt for them. Oh, yeah. Because you remember when there's farm boys.

Well, they were never farm boys. We were farm boys. And then we'd go over there to go to see a movie before the Chinese man opened. a parker yeah which is also our movie a bro I know that's where the confluence it all old school yeah ours before that was actually near where David Borey lived Hamden and seven Hills movie theater old one that was over there and then when they opened Chinese Man, everyone was like, it lights out, dude.

Dude, it brought all the kids from all the surrounding areas. This is a great place to lurk and like scrape resin. Yes. And then just like chill in borders for four hours before the movie. Oh my God. I got caught sneaking into a movie there

with my friend Calvin Beeman. Well, classic Calvin move. Dude, Calvin first off, Calvin was all state baseball player, so he was going to get away. Are you playing in real sports? Oh, Calvin. Yeah. Um, so you were in Elizabeth. I didn't know Elizabeth and Parker hated each other.

I think that we hated them and then they don't think about us at all. It was the mad man in the elevator meme. Yeah. Yeah. They didn't lose any sleep thinking about E town. What high school did you hate? Ponderosa? Ponderosa was closest to us, but I hated Chaparral.

Chaparral, who? Didn't they get really good at football when Dave Logan went there? I think so. Dave Logan, who now coaches at Cherry Creek. A dynasty in high school, Colorado high school football. White and blue. Yeah, dude.

The Creek Mystique, my cousin Oliver plays for him right now. Wow. Hey, shout out to Oliver. Oliver! Big Ollie. He's like a six foot seven sophomore. Golly. Hey, Ollie, drink some electrolytes, pal.

You're going to need it. Stay hydrated. Yeah, he's going to have Oschenschlotters. This is doorknob knees. This is going to be like Andre the Giant by the time he's 18. He's like, I want to drink wine. Oliver, you alright? No, go boss.

No, sorry. It's just it's called Katie and I Boss. Cause I saw her boss. I don't know, Christmas. I'm armed to my spine. But he... Dude, I'm sorry. But I've been listening to nothing but Mick Foley on Terry Funk today.

Oh, that's great dude. Terry Funk is the man. the man cactus you dirty dog. He goes, your mother. So you pick. Lawler, you pick. You pick. Jay and I used to do a bit on the bonfire of Terry funk matches. Oh, yeah.

When he, when we watched Jay and I watched the documentary beyond the mat. Uh-huh. Yeah. And there's a scene. I saw. At Chinese man. Yes, sir. Let's go with my father. Yeah. Let's go. One he's like, at Chinese man? Yes sir. With my father.

It is the greatest wrestling documentary of all time. If not for the Jake the Snake moment, where he goes, you ever look in the mirror and realize the person you hate the most is staring right back at you. My daddy did old me. Yeah, he goes, well he was born out of love and I still love him. He's like, My father rate my mother which is 13 Insane it's an insane documentary Also, his father was like six foot ten four hundred pound pedophile Did you see the dark side of the ring on them? Of course? It's an it's a grizzly Smith grizzly Smith It's one of the saddest stories in wrestling ever. It's horrific, but also knew about it, too. No one stopped him

Yeah, he was on the road Uh-huh ever it's horrific, but also knew about it to no one stopped him. Yeah That was like it really does read like old comedy where they're like sure was he selling tickets brother? By the way, if you haven't please go read Sam's book running the light a good book It's an unbelievable book Yeah, you want to get the audio one me and a bunch of other comics did chapters from it I gotta say bud you are revered I'm not blowing smoke people love your chapters. It was very fun to do Thank you loved the book and then when you're like you want to do the audio book I was like no problem no brainer that I know Ari did it Bert Kreischer Norman

Yeah, I'm not Norman Norman who tried and then God bless. Oh, yeah You did it. That was him. Oh yeah, I did two chapters. You did, that was convenient. We just wanted more Dan. Yeah, sure. It wasn't that New Orleans education. Yeah, I was like, dang old wood jumping around on a page, and I can't pull my finger down on it. He reads like a cage.

He doesn't talk that way? He goes, I don't know. It's something about words on a page. It just brings me into that place. Especially if they've got two Gs. Yeah, I know. Yeah's something about words on a page. It just brings me into that place. Especially if they've got two Gs. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, well Cherry Creek School Districts did well enough that I could do two chapters. Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, my book is in Smokey Hill High School.

Is it really? That's right, man. Yeah. Is it really? It's in like most of the county high schools all over Colorado now. It's at Smokey Hill? Uh-huh, yeah. I would have, if I found that book in high school, you know, much that book would have meant to me. Well, that's nice of you to say.

I think it's like right in there with like, if you're a young person who wants to like do cocaine, read the book. Ollie, hey, you're dumb with sports, bud. No, Ollie's at Creek, dude. They're not gonna let your sludge in their library. Don't call it sludge. He's a real...

Hey, we talked about this. Hey, T.O. What the fuck are you doing? Can you make a note of that? I said no sludge talk. That's behind me, man. No, they just have Matt Christopher books at Cherry Creek. This is about women.

It's all left behind and shit. It's all he had. It's all her camera and shit. Dude, how about a Rappahoe Road? Yeah. I love a Rappahoe Road. I don't. Gunther Tooties?

And then you had the Bucka scoop across the street and the target It was a successful target and a Garth's a Garth sports of our sports. Yeah, hold on real quick That's okay. I don't want to get too far away from the Terry funk. Yeah in Beyond beyond the mat. He's Kind of retiring but then keeps getting called in for matches and that's why Jay and I would do like different matches. We was like, I've got to drive a U-Haul from California to Iowa, loser leaves town match. Someone's got to put gang girl over. Yeah, that's what it was.

He's like these young boys, but watch that documentary. If you're not even, if you're not even in wrestling, it's Young Rock where he hits McFulley in the head about 20 times in a chair. He's throwing up. Yeah. And it's Young Rock hitting, beating the shit out of Fully in the head about 20 times, throwing up. Yeah. And his young rock hit beating the shit out of fully in front of his small children, which he's had a apologize.

Yeah. Who are weeping at the end. They're like, comes in and goes, sorry, I had to do that to your dad, buddy. Yeah. He had to do the damn job brother. Yeah. But he's still, he's still carny rock.

Yeah, exactly. He's not fake motivational rock. Like he is now. He's not like, rock now like hey try a little energy drink little guy your monos strong yeah the let it green brah yeah oh it was your on it brah yeah I think we're getting close to Japanese rock mr mr. for it big a fan rock gain almost Christian, a bigger fan. I'm in Rock, gay nomos. He deserves the Japanese slinger.

Will you do the job, brother? Your cousin, not to put you over. But he, it's fucking wild, because he beats the shit out of Mick Foley and then just apologizes profusely to his kids. And Foley's face looks like it's a fruit by the foot. Yeah, and he's so nice, he's like, I, hey, he's the sweetest man ever at wrestling. He's like, hey, cool.

His eyes hanging out of the socket. Yeah, he's like, good job. And we're like, oh, fuck. Arapahoe Road. Sorry. A couple of things I want to get to. Please. Then it's barbecue.

RIP, it's gone. There's like a whole little mini mall there. But it used to be a barbecue place off of Apojo Road If you wanted to get to Park Meadows Mall Turned it Bennett's barbecue and you cut through the Inverness, right? Which was like a it's a business park which is where I learned how to drive my car Oh in the empty parking lot in the empty parking lot. Yeah. Yeah, my mom took me. I had a stick shift Honda Accord hatchback,

and then I got it a police auction from one of her friends. Police auctions, dude. Yeah, and it was a lot of money. My friend, do you mean guy who dp'd her? Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't really wanna do that. Hey, sludge man! Come on, now it's slinging sludge.

Your mom sludge, you go, stop it, Sam! I was joking. Shut up! Enough slug stock. My wife's in the next room. They did, we did find out that Buzz, who is a mechanic, who was my mom's friend, they knew each other.

It's not confirmed nor denied that there was romantic connection. However, Buzz also knew my friend Joel's mom. Oh no. And so I don't know if they were Eskimo sisters with a mechanic who was right off 6th Ave in 225. Oh that's not a good place to be hooking up man. You gotta go all the way up to the worst highway in Colorado. You know what, fuck you. No dude, you're a 225 guy. 225 sucks. Oh yeah. Catch me

between Isle of and Parker on 225. Yeah dude, I gotta get up to Florida and Isle of so I can eat the worst sushi in the world By the way, that is did you see the documentary on Netflix about the guy that had the motel that? Devoyer no, oh dude. It's in Aurora what a guy owned a motel off 25 and you'd watch people for years. Is there a bunch of like footage of your mom walking in there? She's got a new key. She's got a hot girl's cord. Yeah.

My boy's going to love this. Danny's sitting courtside tonight. He's knocked down there, but still. Daniel still comes out wiping his mouth. Your mother, it's the season for us. Your mother cares about your sports fan. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no, a Dale Ellis jersey.

Oh, God, damn it. It doesn't care a lot. Hey, guys. Well, it's time. Ads are here. We did it for free for five months, but we got to pay for the equipment. We got to keep the lights on. Isn't that what the old radio station said?

We got to pay our bills. But we got sponsors. And this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, life's tough, therapy is, I think it should be mandatory. It's helped me out, I've been in therapy for over 12 years. It's helped me learn why I react to certain situations,

to certain people. It's unbelievable. I always will say this, because I said it once to Jay and he was like, that's the best description I've ever heard. You untangle the wires in your brain. That's what therapy does and better help can help you do that. If you've benefited, oh, that's, they just told me what to talk about and I just did that,

but better help therapy can get you a therapist fast and it can be effective. Therapy can help change your life almost immediately. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. All you gotta do is fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched to a licensed therapist. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. That's huge. Because sometimes you're going to find a therapist that you click with and it's great.

But sometimes you don't click and you need to find a different one. Don't feel bad about it. Just switch and BetterHelp isn't going to charge you extra if you want to switch therapists. Become your own soulmate. Whether you're looking for one or not, visit BetterHelp.com slash SOTR today to get 10% off your first month. That's better H-E-L-P.com slash SOTR. Hey guys, Dan Soter.

I put a special out on YouTube called On The Road. I don't know if you haven't watched it yet, but if you haven't, go check it out. It was a fun little show in Portland, helium that we taped and it's got some fun jokes on there. Also subscribe to my YouTube channel and I'm going to be on the road since in Addy, Ohio, I'll be coming to go bananas March eighth and ninth and then Lexington, Kentucky, Lexington, Kentucky, not Louisville. Like I said last time, Lexington, Kentucky.

We're doing two shows on March 10th. Come check it out. The first one sold out, but the second show we added. It's got tickets and then Nashville. I'm coming to Zany's at the end of March, March 28th through the 30th. I'm bringing Brendan Sagalow. We're gonna have a hell of a time.

DanceOder.com for tickets. Thank you guys for watching the podcast and my standup. I love you. I love you so fucking much. Go watch The Voyeur on Netflix. I'm glad they will, yeah. It's about this guy, but it was right by Buzz's auto shop. Okay.

Aurora, I think, what high school was there? It wasn't- Is it TJ? No, Aurora Central. Oh, God. Yeah, it was by Aurora Central. Yeah. And where we played soccer and then there's just a motel where a guy was filming everyone that stayed there. Yeah. It's fucking wild. J found the

documentary on Netflix and he was like, uh, hey Dan. It was like things you will like. He was like, you might want to see this. And I started watching it and I was like, I know exactly where that is. Yeah. You would know exactly where that is. For sure. Anyone from Denver. But on Arapaho Road, Bennett's barbecue, my friend's older brother and his friend worked at Bennett's. And John Elway would go in there because it was right by the Broncos facility. Yeah, yeah, by Dove.

And he'd just pound, beers and smoke marble lights. Smoke sticks, dude, yeah. I have a bunch of friends. Everybody in Denver knew that about Elway. Well, I had buddies who would work at Elway's, restaurant in the Creek which that that opened after I left sure yeah when you abandoned us To go down to Arizona What a tough decision you come back to Colorado and tell us about New York and we'd be like really you can do two sets of night Mr. It's beautiful, buddy. I'm telling you right there. There's pizza on every street. The streets are paved with drink tickets.

That's all it is. Danny, Danny. You get to see Sean Patton in the Mark Garner. I heard you were at the New York Comedy Club. I was. I got to see Joe List do a check spot. Yeah, we, I love you. I've always looked up to you, but sincerely, but fucking.

So your buddy worked in the sun. Oh, they'd work there. And then, you know, it was like midnight, it would shut down. And then Elway would come down from wherever gilded box he lived in upstairs and be like, no one's leaving till I get a Marlboro red. And eventually my buddy would keep a fresh pack

of Marlboro's on him, but he would also smoke Marlboro's and then he would offer Elway one. He's like, I need a seal pack. What? Yeah, yeah. Damn dude, he was- He would have to make a run to get him fresh ciggies. And just he would just come to the restaurant

and ask for a cigarette. Yeah, and like play pool and shit. That's it's still John L. Way. Oh, he's the man. Well, here's the thing that no one talks about John L. Way. Everyone, his old lady got sick and got that claustomy bag put in. No.

Well, he did. And he left her right around that same time. That was when he left. Yeah, dude, when she finally had the port put in. Damn. Great comedy club. Check it out. It's in Baltimore. It's good. I like it. I love it. I did it in January. It's unbelievable. I know I'm going to my Goobies and I'm like man, that little room

was nice. I sure sold that one pretty well. Didn't have to do radio on those days. You have to stand outside of the sandwich board worried about that one. Do you remember when he got caught with the house in Cancun? Yeah. Uh huh. So for those of you who don't know John L L. Way, Hall of Fame quarterback. Still my quarterback. Still Sam's quarterback. I was a Montana guy.

Yeah, I know. More of a family man. I was a big Montana guy. I love Arby's. The big Montana did fucking rule. Dude, it was crazy. It was this big. Dude, I tried at Katie's and never had Arby's and I keep being like, Arby's rules.

Side story,'s rules side story little Colorado side story one time I was in the parking lot of target where there was an Arby's on Buckley and Hampton yeah right I think that's what it is Buckley and Hampton there's a there's a target and it's kind of up by like centerfolds no no no no no it's more towards towards smokey hill. Okay, and it's it's it's It's Quincy and Buckley Quincy and Buckley and see him buckling

You know, there's like the King Supers and then a kitty corner There's a target with an Arby's in the parking lot one time My friend and I were smoking a bowl in my car and watched a guy kick the shit out of his kid in an Arby's parking lot. No. And we had to be like hey hey like honk our horn. Yeah. But we were smoking weed so we were like like out of a tin little pipe. Uh-huh. And we're like look at this and the guy was like opening his back seat because it was like a through door. He's like spanking his kid. Oh, bare ass. Not like over his pants but like doing it in a way that you're like like spanking his kid. Oh, badass. Not like over his pants, but like doing it in a way

that you're like, that dog, that's abuse. Yeah, yeah. That's how it goes. The Jango scene. Yeah. And then we just like in my car like, weep. And they're like, meh, meh, meh. And they're like, hey, leave him alone.

And the guy's like, hey, who said that? The guy was like looking at us while he's spanking. And he's like, shut the fuck up. Yes, sir. All right, I don't want to catch one of those. We're going to get a Jamoka shake. You need anything? The turnovers are fresh and six.

I'm thinking about doing one of their new deli sandwiches. Yeah, it's a healthier option. It's the number 12. You can probably fit two in those giant hands. Can I get you some curly fries? That might bring everyone together. I'll put all the sauces in the bag. I used to, we used to go to that Arby's somewhere.

Well, here's the thing about Aurora is that kids from buyers would claim to be from Aurora. Why? Because it was like cooler. Well, we claim to be from Denver. I know you did. Yeah. It's all shit moves downhill.

Right. And I'd be like, I'm from near Castle Rock. I'd be like, you know about Lyman? That's the big city. There are people that are from Denver right now. They're going, you guys are doing Eastern Colorado. Yeah, who can we get Denver? Talk about the flat irons at least. Yeah, Jesus, bring up. Well, let me ask you this. Where what are your confines of Denver in your head?

What do you think is Denver? I'll tell you mine Alameda to the south. Yeah. All right. And then Bruce Randolph to the North, and then I 25 to the West, and then I say Colorado, but recently I've said Monaco to the East. That's my idea. I think Monaco, absolutely, I don't go as far as to say Colfax. Well, Colfax runs East-West. That's what I mean.

All the way, I would say that's like the most South, Colorado, Denver to me runs like, I'd always felt like when we went north of Colfax okay it was like we're in Denver yeah okay no matter where like you had to be across Colfax to be in Denver yeah it was like if you bumped up to Colfax that everything else south of that felt like oh that's Aurora sure and then everything north of that was Denver right West honestly because we were coming from the east,

everything from Arvada felt like Denver. You go all the way to Boulder and you're like, I don't know, does this still count? Like, you know what I mean? Dude, Franktown felt like Denver to us. Yeah, we're coming from- We're going on a wagon train. How long did it take you to get to Aurora from Elizabeth?

It's closer than Denver, probably like 40 minutes. That's crazy. Yeah, because you can take Delbert road all the way in. Yeah. So kids from buyers would be like, oh, we're from Aurora. Yeah. Oh, sure. Is this relating with you? You know all about rural Colorado, right? Yeah. This season, New York kid. Yeah. It is. Well, it's crazy. It's interesting. It's not funny, but it's interesting.

People put on podcasts just so they don't have to think about their own lunch. Yeah. Yeah. So they're not going to cut their thighs. People from Colorado are just so they don't have to think about their own lives. Yeah, yeah. So they don't cut their thighs. People from Colorado are going to shit at this first. Oh, yeah. They're going to be like, I know that. I know that. They're going to crash their Subaru's into Dick's Sporting Goods Park.

Oh, come on. Do my mom's boyfriend Joe bought a Subaru. It was the most disappointed I've ever been when someone said they were leasing a car. Why, how did she just date these men for for regional cars? Dude, it's all the auto trade. Yeah, we used to call her auto trader. Yeah, Kelly blue book She buys low she sells low, you know my mom took the Kelly blue book value probably get you two dinners in a weekend Yeah, but leaving Denver and then coming back and like, cause I left for college when I was 18

and I went to Arizona and come back. And then you had all these like people, these transplants, which you must hate. Cause you're, I would say out of my friends, you're the most in comedy, you're the Colorado guy. I fly the flag. Yeah. You fly the flag. You, the Grolik's guys. Yeah

Are the most out of my friends Sharpie. Yeah, there's like a couple guys that are like Colorado friends in comedy. Yeah Sharpie Come back sharp. I need a tiny host god damn. He's the best. He's so funny You can get also bring him to the gig in your carry-on. Yeah, there's a picture of the world's tallest man meeting the world They have to hang out now because all I want is him walking around with her like a parrot You're almost simple edit it so the picture comes up. Yeah, it is fucking wild awesome He could do this he could like put her in his hand. Yeah, it's a little scoop up Yeah, it's gonna be Oliver his first girlfriend like put her in his hand yeah like little scoop up yeah it's gonna be all over his first girlfriend exactly I want to feed you you want a kid yeah we

beat ground view I have to take a shit in the bathtub cuz the toilet's too big look at those two yeah look at those two just out having fun yeah how does he not you know what I don't want to get launched if I were her I want to get like like dad does with a baby all the way to the moon Like really fired me up there Yeah, I want you to granny shot me up into the air and by the way put some English on it. Yeah. Yeah little backspin Flickin a little so I like I'm not wearing panties

It is gotta be weird though because the tiniest woman and then the tallest man. His dick's taller than her. Yeah. Yeah. And also, it's pure fear. She's like, I'm prey, you're a predator. Oh, yeah. If it was the smallest man and a giant woman,

he'd be like, let me climb all over you. Oh, for sure. You'd be like a little spider monkey. She's like the baby bird that cleans the hippo's teeth. She eats meals out of his gums. He's like, can you go back here behind my ear and she's just back there? Yeah. We should all have a tiny companion.

Dude, what do you think mean Sharpie? We're so close. Sharpie get my back. He was your speed and you're his power. We used to do a gag called taking up space with Sam and Chris where he would like stand in a doorway and then I would stand in a doorway and it'd be completely occupied. Oh that's wow. So this is this is the world's shortest man meets the legiest woman. It means

Princess die. I mean yeah for real look at those yeah. I can't because you're being perverse and not sharing a thank you Dan. God who's sludge. He looks like it looks like a mad TV. He's not people or a mad magazine. Yeah, who's sludge? He looks like it looks like a mad TV. He's not peeper mad magazine. Yeah, that's Mr. Mustapelistic from Superman. You say his name back where do you get a wish? I really thought it was Isle of Dr. Moreau also give me all of that. Yeah, yeah, word. You're a big boy. Oh yeah. You would take down the legiest woman easy. I betted a volleyball player once and then two weeks later I betted a ballerina.

And you couldn't have had lower payloads in either of those girls. Really? Oh my God, yeah, that ballerina would walk around on the tips of her toes for the first hundred steps of the day, and just be like a trail of blood all over the apartment. Oh my God.

Yeah, it was one of my first girlfriends in Denver. I don't wanna say girlfriend. Lover. She took me in. Yeah. Yeah. She bought me breakfast. I don't think you need to speak of yourself

like you're Frankenstein. Living outside of a hovel. Well, she did chase me into that bell tower. Yeah. I watched her and learned language from how she interacted. She taught me shapes. Now I know where the sun goes at night.

I used to just get confused and scream at the sky. Give it back. But then old bloody toes Tommy was going. Tommy took a big nap. But you do you want to you don't you want to stay in Denver? No I wouldn't move to Paris. I'd move to Paris tomorrow if I could. Really? Yeah. That's where you'd how do you watch Bronco games? At 4 a.m. You would get out. I'd be alone in the bar. Dude. This man, he comes around, he cheers for these pennies.

They are like horse people. They are horses, but they run together. Yes, and they're like. My favorite part of Bronco games was, is Thunder still around? Thunder rules. Yeah, well, is it like Thunder 5? Yeah, I don't think Thunder's lived forever.

Yeah! What is that? You're telling me that Pat Bowlin didn't give that horse a cloak of invincibility. They actually put Pat's soul into the horse. It's like a Crang situation. This is a voodoo shaman. It's like Adonaza. We stab Bowlin lives in the horse now.

It was Pierre Paul. That's so funny. They brought him over. I love that. So when I would go to Broncos games, my favorite thing was the Broncos would score a touchdown and then they'd have an actual Bronco run around the stadium. The big flag. It would shit all the time when horses can poop when they run coolest part about

horses, if you ask me. And they were just, they're live the muscles or the grace. Giant dong. It's dumping on the go Hello God, can we get that feature and not make it liquid shit down our legs? Just once a solid would be killer God if you got time I'm busy over there in palace time. Hey, hey, Seuss. I know you're dealing with Rafa right now

But if you can toss me a run and do appreciate one brown robe can toss me a run and do one brown rope would be huge, but it would be so funny because the stadium would be just fucking rocking listening to Gary glitter idolizing a pedophile. Yeah. Oh yeah. Complete, but bring back rock and roll part two. They haven't gotten away. They it's not gone. I went and saw them lose to the Patriots and get knocked out of the playoffs and they play. Yeah. Yeah. But, do you know that guy was such a pedophile? He got kicked out of Taiwan. I did not know that, but I knew he was Thailand too. I think they were like, guy, come on, we do that here. Hey, if it starts with,

I you're not allowed. All right. If there, if there's a sex trade industry here, we just, you can't, well me and Borey are going to Bangkok together in April and Brent Gill. So they're just going to be following us from the airport. That group, they're like, come on guys. How many kids are they going to smush? My favorite SNL sketch that no one remembers was in the Bill Hader years. And they did a Rosetta Stone and it was Bill Hader and he's like, I'm trying to learn Thai.

I'm going to Bangkok for a thing. It was all sexual criminals trying to learn the languages. I was like, that's such a brilliant sketch. But yeah, how long are you guys going for? Two weeks. Yeah. It was Bori's idea. Yeah.

He just wants to go hang out? Yeah, and we're going to find a Vietnam and then we're taking a river cruise up to Bangkok. Oh, you guys gonna be doing this so so much I don't get mosquito bites because of my Mexican heritage Recorder Mexican, I don't get bites. Is that is that what you tell yourself? So my grandma told us your abuela if your abuela tells you that then it's true No tienes una... What a troopa de mosquito. She was like, look at me. No mosquito will ever bite you. Oh, and you don't want to learn the language

because it's for dogs. Please, you'll never get a real job if you learn the language. Grandma, I don't want a job. I want a job so bad. You are my little sludge child. Your name in Spanish means slush. Slush.

Your slush. I regret not learning Spanish so fucking bad living in Colorado. I just completely go, I'll do French, you fucking moron. Yeah, dude, what were you thinking? I think friends of mine took it in seventh grade. They took French and I was like, I'll go with them. It's a sexier language, but you can't use that on federal. No, you cannot. No. No, you cannotier language, but you can't use that on federal.

No, you cannot. No, you cannot. Dude, have you been to federal recently, gotten some Vietnamese pho? No. Oh my God, I'll put our pho up against anywhere. Really? Dude, over there at like Tennessee, right by Star Kitchen. There's a place called Golden Bowl, dude. Listen, if you're in Colorado, please. I don't know, man. Here's the thing I like about Marcus. I'm not going to talk to anyone about this shit. I did want to know about John L. Weasby's house. Oh, yeah. We'll get know, man. Here's the thing I like about podcasts. I'm not gonna talk to anyone about this shit.

I did wanna know about John L.W. Beach House. Oh, we'll get to John L.W. Beach House, but real quick, Golden Bowl. Clear schedule. Clear schedule, Golden Bowl, off federal. Mm-hmm, yeah, it's just excellent. And they do the blood cake bun-bow-way. Yes, Ari Shafir and I talk about this all the time.

If there are local businesses, you should absolutely shout them out on podcasts. Because you have no idea who's listening and who might actually go give them business. I want them to put my, dude, if I can get my fucking picture hung up in Pete's kitchen, I've made it. Oh, you could get that done.

I think so. If I was going wearing this jersey, Pete's like, oh, he's a Bronco. Oh, Pete's kitchen, fucking rules. It's okay. There's a lot of sentiment that is in our memories. It's like Steubens. Steubens is not, you can't compare the two.

I liked Steubens growing up. Steubens is good, yeah. I mean, it was like the best restaurant we had. Yeah, that's why, but back then. And then now I go and I'm like, wow, and everyone's like, we've got, what? Yeah, going to A's. When you move from a place,

when you move from a place and you come back to it, you're still stuck in that year. So I have comics, like Big J was at Comedy Works and he's like, dude, where should I go eat? I'm like I can give you a 01 Rex. Yeah What are you telling like Sam's number three? Well, that's the place right by the comedy one eats at Sam's number three But I told him like Illegal Pete's if you can get it, you know, you know that burrito chain that's in eight different states This guy knows Denver. I don't I don't know it. This fucking guy got me well. I love you, but come on Yeah, but I don't really know this is swollen Valor all I want all I want good times burger

When I go home, oh dude good times right there on Colfax No, I want the one right by the Arby's where I watched a kid get beat sure that's the better one Quinty positive memories there I did mushrooms in the parking lot of the good times for the first time first time I ever did mushrooms when I was 16 It was at the good times did bush of first time I ever did mushrooms when I was 16 was at the good times. Did mushrooms the first time I ever parked in Manow's Mall? Really? Yeah.

I used to work at that Red Robin. Dude, I would do that Red Robin all the time. Really? I was a busboy. When were you working there? From 99 to 01. Okay, I bet I was there in 01. I mean, Christmas there was hell.

Yeah, I bet. If you work at a restaurant near the major mall, Christmas season is your Vietnam. Yeah. And like the way they would breach up, the way they brief us is they'd be like, it's going to get bad around two. It's going to get worse around five,

around seven o'clock, you're going to want to kill yourself. Tell Scott if you need a smoke break, and just go back out by the trash compact. We used to take the food runner trays for Red Robin, and when it was snow, there was that hill. Down the hill. Yeah, we'd go up there on our smoke breaks and fucking fly down.

Oh, that's just good old-fashioned fun, man. Yeah, it was fun. Yeah. Red Robin sucked to work at, but we got free food. All the fries you can eat. And a lot of cute girls would come in. It's a high school boy, You're like, this rules. Parkman was mall was a feeding ground.

Yeah. It went in open because we're, I was in Aurora mall boy up until eighth grade. Mm hmm. And then part. You need an airbrush t-shirt in a hurry. Mr. Rags. You're all in mall, baby.

If you want to go to the only successful store, there's a lids. Yeah. There's a lids and a black eyed P. It's crazy. You go to the Royal mall. That's why when the shooting happened there, you're like, I don't even think anyone went there anymore.

And everyone's like, yeah, this guy killed everyone at the Century Plaza. He shoot a bunch of pigeons? Yeah. Why does everyone make this a big deal? And you're like, no, people are still going there. Wow, are people buying grills? Yeah.

Was it Juneteenth? Yeah. But Park Meadows opened up and everyone was like, It was night and day. There's the wall. They erased all history previous. But that's where all, like kind of like we were talking about

with the Chinese man movie theater. It attracted kids from everywhere. So you got the Cherry Creek kids, you got Smoke Hill kids, Eagle Crest kids, kids from Elizabeth fires. You got the Elizabeth kids in their leather jackets walking around with a chip on their shoulder and no one knows where they're from.

Are you from, is that even in Colorado? What is that? What, are you guys from like Eaton? Is that Eaton? No, Elizabeth, go Cardinals. But dude, at Park Meadows Mall was like, working at that Red Robin was where I got into a lot of shit. Sure.

I was like buying weed from people that worked at Earl's or like the people that would come, you know, my friends got hired at the Costco by there and they all got fired because of their cloudy piss. How cloudy is a man's piss? You smoke weed, you're gonna come out a little cloudy. There's roaches floating in there. That's a Simpson's joke. Oh, I didn't.

Oh, I didn't even realize that. But John Elway, as homeless pimp has brought up, John Elway had a home in Cancun where it was revealed that he was flying down collegiate volleyball players. I think it was soccer and volleyball. From Northern Colorado, which is in Greeley. Yeah.

He would just have. Which is the bottom of the barrel. Yeah. He would have these hot college girls just go down to his house. And then what like him and Gary Zimmerman would just go to Marshall airs like they call me stink you want to find out why I stink why not fuck but can you put your phones in this bag real quick ladies

thank you come on in they were doing the bags before Chappelle yeah yeah he invented yonder to suppress his malfeasance yeah and then he got caught because of pictures because a girl took digital pictures. Well, he didn't realize he showed up in pictures, so he thought he was a vampire. He's going to live forever. So funny. Well, thanks for saying that instead of laughing. It's always a good sign. It was. It took me a while to get it. Yeah, well, I was like, what? Yeah, you always like on an audience goes. Yes. Very good. How about another humorous take, big man?

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That's 20% off and free shipping with code SOTR at manscape.com. That's 20% off and free shipping with code SOTR at manscape.com. This St. Patrick's Day, make sure your little Harry leprechaun is luckier than ever with Monscaped. I didn't even really nail the accent, but I nailed that ad read. We used to go to Park Meadows and take drugs, take ecstasy. We would buy off the hilltop apartments in Parker from Russian guys and then go over there. And one time there was a very, very attractive blind girl and I don't know if David Borey was there, but I think Clay DeHaan was there and I was like,

oh yeah, I'm from, I'm from Elizabeth. I'm a swimmer and she was like, really? And I was like, yeah, touch my abs and then I held up and she touched my fat pale belly and then she was like you and then we laughed really hard, but I was very upset. Yeah, I thought it would work as like a funny like pickup line, but she like oh yeah. This guy's funny. You know why? Because you were in high school and that level of maturity with humor, right? She was just reacting viscerally. Well, yeah, it was also like she put her hand on a blindfold on and do like a jar of brains. And you're like, Oh, it's spaghetti. Yeah. It's just cold spiel grapes. Don't worry. It tell him it's high. It's my ass. She goes, Oh my God,

were you in a horrific accident? Yeah, what happened? That's so funny being like, yeah, I'm pretty jacked. You probably put your hand on me. Yeah, what happened to you, Samuel? A terrible accident. I ate that muscular man. Yeah. Yeah. Or he's inside of me. Yeah, that's the thing you don't want

is the part of mask where she feels his face. Oh, God. And she goes like, oh. Pass. Yeah, dude. It's real hard to turn people down when you're blind. I know, she was so hot. You seem so nice.

Oh, fuck. Ew. And they go like that. After they touch you, they go, yeah, fuck. I know, she was so hot. You seemed so nice. Oh, fuck. Ew. And they go, after they touch you, they go, fuck. I got it on me. Where am I? And Arby's touching the roast beef? She checks your teeth like you're a dog. Like a horse.

Yeah. I don't know. You seem good for breeding. Yeah. Touching your neck in a weird way. You could pull a wagon. Damn, dude, dating a blind girl? How?

The perfect crime. How long would it last until you got like frustrated with her or she'd be like, what is it? You go the sun's rising over the Rockies. It's great. It looks like cotton candy. It's heavenly. It makes me believe in God. I don't ask you what that sound is from a mile away. You hear squirrels running. Can you quit clicking? Yeah, we're not even in a tunnel. You just put her hand up in the sky and you go, I don't know, feel it. Yeah, he just catch a vibe.

Let the sun hit your hand. Yeah, I don't know. I'd lie. I'd be like, it's DJ Paul E. D. Oh, cool. Wow. Oh, I heard about it. She's doing the Stevie one here all the time. You're like, stay stationary! People behind you can't see Mr. Bicentennial Man. Yeah, dude. That's gotta be, you wonder if you are abled, and then you date someone with, who's blind or something.

Well, I have a bunch of blind friends. Because my wife was the treasurer for the Rocky Mountain chapter of the National Federation of the blind the NFB And they're cool and we would like trip mushrooms with them and like have a blast But what happens when you're blind and you trip mushrooms? Oh, they're there. I wish you could see what I'm seeing Yeah, it's a big laugh. Yeah, they do a blast. Yeah, shout out Eileen Gallego. Sweet G. She wraps She's like a 61 year old like very obese grandmother love it Yeah, and she like rap and like, you know, take drugs.

And she just does mushrooms with you. She's the best. And she's just like, do you think they ever get high enough that they think their vision comes back? I'm pretty sure they're aware that they've never seen. But have some of them seen and then like. You think they have a moment? Am I seeing again?

Oh, what? Cause I can't smell, but I've gotten high enough where I've been like, I think I smell something. Yeah, what is that? It's toast. Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, it's not. Oh, no.

Oh, no, it's all gone. Oh, god. You JR'ing over here. Oh, wow, stop the damn match. Stop the damn stroke. You JR' so funny on Twitter. We're JR rules. Jim Ross, legendary wrestling commentator. Yep. Best follow on Twitter. We're talking about Jim Ross. Legendary wrestling commentator.

Best follow on Twitter. Oh, he's great. Cause he's horny. Oh yeah, the thing you don't wanna do with blind people. Order nachos and share them with the table. Oh, I bet it's a mess. Cause they tap around to figure out the guacamole in the sour cream.

What a murder scene. It's terrible dude. What a murder scene. I was stripping mushrooms one time with this old blind guy and he's like, you know, society falls we're gonna be the first to die. They don't need us now They're not gonna need us then all be food. I'm food You are food Yeah, you are food. Look at you.

Yeah, you're covered in food. You look like a toddler. You're having a eating nacho, some cheese all over your face. Your chin's a Pollock painting. Oh my God. You're appetizers. Fucking get this man a bib. But having an old blind man yell, I'm food.

I'm food. I'm food would creep into my nightmares. I think about it all the time. I just wake up and go, he's not food. He's not food. I'm food. Wait, my nightmares. I think about it all the time. I just wake up and go, he's not food. He's not food. I'm food. Wait, wait, am I food?

Ah, I'm food. Yeah, dude. Do you think after you moved to Paris, you would ever go back to Colorado? Will you settle in Colorado? Because I have a feeling there's a chance I might. Here's the thing, man, is like, we have this like idea of buying a home in Colorado

and letting my sister live in it. I want to buy a house on 7th Street Park, which is like the nicest part of Denver. And letting my sister and my brother-in-law live in there. But at the same time, it's like, if you buy a house, or like what, fucking buy a condo in the Brooks Towers. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't know.

It's just like, I don't want to be feathered. Trisha's got a town house near Meadow Hills Golf Course. Oh, so I'm just that's my retirement. Nothing wrong with that. It's good townhouse Fine golf course a very playable golf course. I suck at golf. It's no castle pines I mean, I'm not listen. We don't have that money. Do you Douglas County? If it was on fire, I wouldn't spit on it Damn, yeah, so we're gonna have a big one in Douglas County's listening to this on fire, I wouldn't spit on it. Damn. Yeah. Even if I had a big old movie. Someone in Douglas County is listening to this, they're going, all right, Sam. Hey man, come over to Elbert County.

Come check out Kiowa. Wear your North Face jackets over there and see how long you last, how it always looks like rain. You know when you talk to someone and they know a different language and then they're like, they're out of practice speaking it. So they go like, I can conversationally keep. Right, yeah.

That's with Colorado knowledge. I'm out of my, I'm out of my debt. Well, it's cause I'm so immersed in rural Eastern Colorado now living down near La Hunter. I mean, it's gotta be nuts. It's crazy dude. There's a population of people who walk to Sonic and order at the window. You don't want to be trapped behind those guys. No. What is it? Like a roving pack? Yeah. It's like, Hey, do you guys take copper wire? What about catalytic converters? Yeah, what do you do? Tell me one of those slushies for a catalytic converter. Yeah, can you do ocean water and the ice cream? Down the side! I don't want to mix, Dan.

Doctor said no mixings. I took Katie to Sonic for the first time. Yeah We were staying in Longmont, and I was like, do you want to go to Sonic? She's like, yeah, I've actually never had Sonic, and she was like, do you want to go to Sonic? She's like, yeah, I've actually never had Sonic. She was like so overhyped. Yeah. I was like, what'd she get though? I don't know.

Green chili cheeseburger? No. Maybe the breakfast toaster chicken sandwich? I thought you were going to do a click after that. There's a cheesy talk. I'm talking to that blind girl. A little bit? Yeah.

All your blind posse Sam what are you doing? You're confusing me Over here, where am I? That last nacho before he smashes it with his forearm. I think there's still a chip left over here. Oh, that's corn salsa. Okay. Oh, this is the salsa. This whole hand is in it. Hey, just cheese sticks, boys.

I know you're all food, but don't make it my problem. God damn, how did that, can I ask you back to that blind guy yelling I'm food at you? How did it calm down? Did he just go like, anyways? Well, you know how when you're on mushrooms, there's those like spikes of like enthusiasm. And then there's just like the day new mob kind of like,

but another thing, you know? So that was like his like, we're food. You're describing every hang with Dan Saint-Tremaine. Who you going for? I don't understand. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah. He was one of those guys that used to wear the hoodie with the suit jacket over it.

I love them, dude. Remember that look? Yeah, I was big. Bring it back. Yeah, get it in there. Suit jacket, casual and... Let's get some fingerless gloves going. Oh, dude, you're talking about all my best friends.

Oh, yeah. Are you making a mishmash of all my friends' fashion? I think I'm just describing Jeff Tate. Yeah, and Big J, Saint Germain. Well, Big J is the OG fingerless gloves. Yeah, that's the guy. Yeah I mean, that's like if anyone Claims fingerless gloves in comedy who's better than big J. I'm not be smirking dice dice would be the only one Dice has actually publicly said that like he created the fingerless gloves in comedy Wow What a J felon lineage to leave behind.

I know. Yeah, my big head follows in line with other victims of fetal alcohol syndrome, such as. Yeah, adult onset encephalitis. Yeah, yeah. And my eyes are just close and I'm just like. I've heard you talk about this closeness in your eyes. I think you have a perfect face.

Thank you so much. You have like Mount Rushmore head dude. Come on with the flat nose It does look like it was blown out of granite. Yeah, well, that's what happens to be hanging out the Arby after hours Did you take a little sock to the nose? What's your if you've been to the botanical gardens in Denver? Yeah, of course growing up. I did my favorite all the time That's where my mom's interned. That's where you guys a tree there. That's awesome. Yeah, and my dad, we got her a buckeye tree because she's from Ohio. And then my dad got her a plaque and then we did a big plaque reveal where we went

and we held each other, we wept, we gathered around and then my dad pulled the cloth off the plaque and it says, Betsy Talent, I'll be seeing you all very soon. That's fun. That's very fun. Yeah, it is. That's a lot of fun.

Yeah, my dad rules. My grandma is in hospice right now. So it's like this weird thing where she's dying but still hanging around. It's like she's got her coat on and she's at the door. Right. But you're like, oh, um, tell dad I said hi. Right. Another thing, let him know the diners lost because Yeah, Kyle then run the ball mm-hmm also Did you do you remember where all my like old cards? Are you like what an ask her about stuff as she's leaving right because it is crazy because once they're dead You're like it's all over. Well, how fast am I gonna see you again? Mm-hmm might be real fast might not be for a while fingers crossed. I never see you again

Now we're you're going we're going different direction in the same parkway But it is weird to have like it was weird to have because she lives in the Bay Area or she's in Sacramento right now Oh, wow at hospice nurse will put her on Speakerphone so it's weird to have your final conversation with a loved one with just a guy named Manny standing there And you go hey Manny You're gonna hear me choke up right But just know I'm a dude. I'm a strong dude.

He's like, I'm listening to LOS. Yeah, he goes, sorry, bud. Louis is so crazy. Louis is back out at What a Realist Dude. He learned a new slur. They got, and they got black baby back. I go, all right. He goes, I'm gonna see you at Skankfest though.

But you're on speakerphone, go ahead. And he's like, Daniel. My grandpa died, he didn't die in hospice. He went into hospice because he hurt his foot and he just was like, I'm good, you know what? I'll die right here. My mom's dad and he gathered us all around his death bed and he was like, Betsy, Julie, it's been an honor to be your father, the truest owner in my life.

And Dave and Tom, thank you so much for taking care of my baby girls and to my grandchildren. I didn't know love until you came into my life, but now like George General Patton said do his troops I fought my last battle go on win your own Goodbye, then he's laid on his pillow and my mom's like dad my Andrew is like dad and everyone's like freaking out And I see my grandpa go He looked around to see if we're still there. He goes, and see. And then he lived for six more months.

No way. He came to Thanksgiving that year. No way. He gave a goodbye and then showed up and went, are you guys doing skin on or skin off? Who did the stuffing? I wish I would have died when I gave you that speech. This shit's dry as hell.

That's wild. Yeah, it was a fun move. Yeah, because there is a feeling, my grandmother's 97 and I've been talking about it on stage, but there is this feeling of like, you can go. Yeah. There's like, she's 97. Right. There's not like a, ah, you gotta stick around

for one more NBA playoff push. Yeah, what are you gonna do, another I quit match? Yeah, she's like, I've got a Dan's inheritance on the line match. Loser leaves Lakeport. I am excited to, uh, when she does pass on, I am excited to go to her townhouse. Yeah. And just fucking rob it blind.

Well, she robbed, she got me a little bit and I've explained this on the podcast. She kind of finessed me out of some money. She said she was having troubles and I kept sending her money. Yeah. And then she broke her hip and I saw the bank account and I was like, bitch, this is more than I have in my bank account. Yeah. What the hell?

So grandma's hoarding cash. I, I, I felt that it was a little too mean, but I kept doing a thing on stage. And I was like, you really go through your grandmother's townhome differently. Where you like picking up earrings and you go, yeah, these are mine. Just putting stuff back in my pirate. That's real cool. 14 carat there. Yeah, cause it was wild. We were like going through stuff and I was like,

no, no, is that expensive? That's mine. Fuck that. My cousin be like, I paid for that. But it is, it's like weird cause everyone in my family has died. Yeah, that's what they did. Sad, like under 50.

Oh. So having someone died in natural time, you're kind of like oh this is this feels. Yeah. Hey, tap out. Yeah. Yeah, have some dignity. Jesus Christ. How many diapers are you gonna go through grandma? Yeah. We can't go to IHOP anymore, the changing table's not big enough. Which dude, I took her to about five more than that. 2014, I took her to the second to last game at Candlestick. Whoa. So she was 86. Dude, that was the worst experience of going to sports ever.

It was like carrying a plate of Jello into an NFL stadium. We were like, watch out, watch out. Because she was like, and you got her sat and like, just stay here. And she's like, ah, ah, ah, and you got her sat and you're like, just stay here. It's just like, I'm thirsty. And you're like, shit. She's like, I have to go to the bathroom.

And you're like, God. We just sat down. You know what? I don't want to break it to you, grandma. It smells like you went to the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, I'm going to wring you out. Since about Oakland, I've thought you did it in your pants.

Yeah, since that last muni stop, I've been on to in your pants. Yeah, since that last Muny stop, I've been on to you, Gran. My favorite argument with her was we were leaving the 49ers game and I was using GPS. And she was like, go through the city. She's talking about going through San Francisco, cause she lived north in Lake County. I was like, no, Nana, GPS, Google Maps says

we should go east, go through Oakland. And she was like, I've lived here for 72 years. And I was like, yeah, this is a satellite. Yeah. You're not winning this one. No, no, you're not gonna argue with Google Maps, Krami. Yeah, she thought I was gonna be like, oh, okay, take me the way you used to when all the blacks

lived in Oakland. Yeah, yeah. And they're like, she's doing it where it's like, old timey shit where you're like, that's right, dude. She said. She's taking the red line droughts that are safe. Yeah, she was doing it where it's like old timey shit. We're like, that's right. Dude, she said she's taking the red line droughts that are safe. Yeah. This there's no rhythm in blues on this. Daniel, this is a celestial neighborhood. Do we were dry? I swear to God, that same trip we were driving to the stadium and the windows down and I've told the story before, but this woman laughed

and my grandmother went, oh, I could tell from her laugh. She's Oriental. And you go, oh, oh, after my mom's stroke, I could tell from her laugh. She's Oriental After my mom's stroke God bless her Asian people would walk by and my mom will go Yeah, after her stroke she would just laugh at Asian people in the park. She'd be like So here's my thing. How do you explain that to anybody? I tell people all the time My mom was like while it was happening. happening you're like I didn't try to explain I just fucking rolled in the mud. I was loving it dude She goes Sam. Yeah

Literally she'd be like She was like can you believe this Why what did the show do to her brother? I don't know she would count airplanes So anytime I'd go out and visit her she'd tell me how many airplanes she saw that day. She'd be like an Asian people. That was it. Turns out you never know what you're gonna love right before you go.

Oh yeah, there was like a, we were gonna do- It's jelly beans and laughing at disabled people. Not, they're not disabled, they're Asian. I'm saying that's my, that's mine. Oh yeah, for sure. Because I'm gonna love jelly beans and laughing at people in wheelchairs.

You love jelly beans. I don't know, I don't know what the stroke's gonna do You think that's coming down the pipe? I don't know. I'm thinking of the randomness of it Yeah, I'll probably wind up wearing hats Like weird ones like the kind of women wear to the Kentucky Derby right yeah, Sam. I can't talk to you right now It's like you don't have to talk just look at my hat yeah the flower on the flower this is be circling dad take off the hat have it no he gets he freaks out if you ad he's adorable

So we do a thing on this podcast sure yeah, it's just we talk about Colorado only I got one You know I keep that thing on me. Yeah. Oh, I like this segment. Yeah Oh, we start doing it and people just like it, but it's fun as hell. Yeah from a 1989 Box of NBA hoops cards. Okay Yeah. From a 1989 box of NBA Hoops cards. OK. Who gets the gum? Oh, there is no gum.

Trust me. Cause I would have ate every piece. You start eating the cards after your stroke. But go through there. I will. Fucking rule. And I was really happy that you were coming to New York and you got to come up into the Sky Palace.

Yeah, me too. In do, in Myrtle went nuts. It's always a sign of a good person. Well, yeah. Myrtle loves true alpha. Yeah. She knows, she knows person. Well, yeah. Myrtle was a true alpha. Yeah. She knows, she knows that I'm the beta. She knows I come in here and go, please come in here. My dog's going to love you.

I hope we open up a Purvis. Oh, I hope you get good basketball cards. I know this Purvis isn't in this pile that's going in the archive. I do. Is that not, is that not going in? I want to sign these and just start giving them to people after shows. Yeah. Yeah.

Where they go, I got a Reggie Thuce signed by Dan Silver. It's worth less somehow. I don't know why. I'm going to burn it. I'm going to use it to light cigarettes and stomp it out because I'm angry. Shout out to the Arby's on Quincy and Buckley. Shout out to Pandaria LaBeja, Colfax and Penn. Get in there. Yeah.

Get in there in Colorado. You're still numero one. Number one, come see me at Comedy Get in there. Yeah. Get in there in Colorado. You're still numero uno. Come see me at Comedy Works in Thanksgiving. Do it. Do it. Do it.