Some More News - SMN: House Speaker Mike Johnson Sure Is A Scary Little Freak

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

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News, where we're going, we don't need news. Hold on, do. Where we're going, we do need news. It's a news show, that's why you're here. It's the one thing we need. I'm so sorry, we gotta go back. We gotta go back, we gotta go back, we gotta go back. All right, look, hi, happy holidays.

It's holiday season, okay? And here is some more news. We got you a brand new speaker of the House of Representatives, Mike Johnson. He's right out of the box. Last name is a word for penis, so that's cool. Shoulda put a T in that name, Johnson. Anyway, that concludes all the good things

about Mike Johnson, a man birthed from tremendous embarrassment as the GOP-led House continues their turd jamboree of infighting and unlikeability. Like, yeah, these do-nothing politicians, am I right? But as we've talked about before on the show, the current House is going far beyond the baseline uselessness featured

in a Dennis Miller monologue, a reference so old and obscure that even Dennis Miller wouldn't make it. Their previous House speaker lasted less than a year and is now retiring in what I'm going to assume is shame. And as his replacement, Johnson leaned on the Democrats to avoid a government shutdown

so they don't look more of the fool, whom I pity. That means all eyes were and are on this Mike Penison fellow. Eyes that would go on to notice that this new Speaker of the House, a man second in line after VP to be President, was also at the risk of editorializing. A bit of a scary little freak.

Not sure how else to put it exactly. Mike Johnson really seems to be a scary little freak, otherwise known as, you know, an average member of the GOP. Hey, title time! Mike Johnson is a scary little freak. That's right, Louisiana's Mike Johnson, the Speaker of the House, who is in charge of counting and declaring votes,

appointing people to committees, managing the House proceedings, and is two bodies away from becoming the president. He's kind of a scary little freak. Note how I keep saying scary, because you probably have heard about how he's a, he's a little freak, he's a nasty little freak. But you might've missed the nuance

about him also being generally terrifying. Not cool terrifying like Skeletor, mind you, but like creepy terrifying like Stinktor. What are you, Stinktor? Fun fact, Stinktor's action figure literally had patchouli oil baked into it so it would smell bad. But we're getting only a little off topic, all right?

Let's talk about Mike the Penis Johnson's actual career as a terrifying man. Much like Stinktor, Mike had something baked into his plastic mold as well. And that thing was extreme Christian nationalism. His dark origin story begins as a young lawyer when J-Dawg fought against the opening of a strip club in his town. His argument was that a, quote, sexually oriented business would spread disease and other social problems in his community. He lost the fight,

that club is still open today, and Mike would officially go into the culture war business from there on. Incidentally, Shreveport does indeed have a high rate of STDs and STIs, 21st in the nation, Though this is down from being ninth just a few years earlier. Houston has the most strip clubs in the nation and is 58th in the highest rate of STDs. The state of West Virginia has the lowest rate of STDs in the nation,

but the second highest number of strip clubs. It's really just hard to say, you know, what means what and what affects what and what correlation there is or is not and if there are other mitigating policies that can help bring that rate down instead of banning the boob store. But one thing this study did point out is that Shreveport, along with many other high STD cities,

is very close to a military base. So get on it, Mike, ban the military bases. Anyway, after Mike tried to ban a legal business from existing, he continued his career as a senior lawyer for a group called Alliance Defending Freedom, an anti-LGBTQ, big quotes, advocacy group that's most famously known for defending that cake guy who didn't wanna do a gay wedding,

but also they fought for European countries' rights to sterilize trans people. They didn't get their way, thank fucking God. Also correction, according to the ADF, they aren't pro sterilization. They simply wrote a legal brief supporting the rights of European countries to establish their own laws, in this case, the law being to sterilize trans people.

Saying, quote, "'With such divisive medical and psychological debates "'taking place over the nature of the treatment "'and diagnosis of transgenderism, "'it would be wholly inappropriate for this court "'to make a decisive pronouncement, "'which would strip member states of their role "'in determining the most proportionate "' and appropriate means of promoting public order, public health, and morals under

Article 8 of the Convention. In this case, states' role to sterilize trans people. So, yeah, they're a hate group. Their then president even wrote an entire book about how he doesn't like gay people. It's a hate group obsessed with the idea that gay people are degrading the religious freedom to, I guess, hate gay people. And Mike's early work reflects this. He wrote editorials for his local paper giving support to amendments that would ban gay marriage.

Truly an ally defending freedom, arguing, quote, if everyone does what is right in his own eyes, truly an ally defending freedom, arguing, quote, "'If everyone does what is right in his own eyes, "'chaos and sexual anarchy will result.'" Damn, Mike, what do you think is right in your eyes? What's your sexual anarchy stuff floating around there in the old noggin? All right, he also wrote,

"'Homosexuals have the right to live however they choose, "'but they cannot redefine marriage for our entire society.' "'Real dogs and cats living together vibes. "'Also, gay marriage has been legal for a while. "'So where's the freaking sexual anarchy I was promised? "'This is a sham, Mike! "'You, you, you fooled me. But Mike doesn't just have painfully outdated

and unpopular views on gay marriage. He also has painfully outdated and unpopular views on marriage in general. He's a big supporter of covenant laws, which are laws designed to make it harder for a spouse to get a divorce for any reason, up to and including physical abuse. Basically, you'd have to prove it in court. Mike is personally in a covenant marriage,

which is his individual right. You know, because people should have that freedom. Right, Mike? Except, as his political career would show, Mike only believes in a very specific type of freedom. While in the Louisiana House of Representatives, Mike would support bills designed to legally protect people discriminating against LGBTQ people. And while that's not surprising, because of all the stuff I've already said, he would go on to up the freak meter by co-authoring a bill requiring, as in forcing, school children to recite the part of the Declaration of Independence

saying that their rights had been endowed by their creator. You know, redefining religion on society the way he wants it. Like really specifically the way he was brought up, his religion, because Mike also supported a resolution to discourage state cops from working with the civil rights group Council on American Islamic Relations.

But don't worry, according to Mike, that decision wasn't about religion, but rather because he is quote, opposed to terrorism. That's why he's against the Muslim group with zero ties to terrorists. So it wasn't religious discrimination, okay? It was just regular old racism. Phew, boy, he sucks.

You know, he really does. And this is on top or included in of all the standard GOP hogwash. I mean, he wasn't the only Republican supporting that anti-Muslim resolution. I feel like a lot of this is just par, which, you know, is bad. I didn't even mention that MJ is a climate skeptic

that coincidentally gets a butt ton of donations from the oil and gas industry while representing a state that has famously been ruined by the effects of climate change. Because again, that's like, that's standard now. It's boring. Honk, honk, chew. So bored.

Oh my God. So after the break, we're going to get more into the quirky side of Mike Hangsdong Dongson. What makes him tick? Is it like some actual tick? Like a weird magic tick making him think his little freaky thoughts? Does it perhaps involve a creepy jerk off accountability app? Yes, to the second question, not the first.

But first, don't jerk off to these ads. Hey there hunks, it's Cody, also a hunk, Johnston, here to tell you about Ground, Ground News. There's a lot of news out there. Some more of it, perhaps? Some even more of it? Some all of it? There's a lot of news. And it's not always clear who you can trust. But with Ground News, you can see multiple headlines about the same subject and it comes with a bias distribution for every source, as well as who owns the publication. So for example, if we search for Mike the Slopper Johnson, we can see a full range of

angles on him. There are several left-leaning headlines focusing on this religious fanaticism, a more centrist take focusing on his far-right leanings, and of course the conservative Washington Examiner pondering if Mike is even conservative enough for them. And with the help of their Blind Spot feature, you can see which stories are disproportionately covered by one side of the spectrum. There are lots of reasons one side might not cover a story, but it's interesting to see when those times exist.

It's a very cool tool. It's hot stuff. It's a hot tool. Punks like us like the news. We like knowing the truth about the news. Ground News lets us personalize our feeds to specific subjects, as well as compare and contrast headlines so we can actually see the objective, SWOAW facts. Check them out at ground.news.smn. Hey, hello.

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Comfort from the outside in. I said don't jerk off. Come on people. Disgusting. Wait no don't come on people. That just makes it worse. Oh well. While we're horned up, or while we're really uncomfortable with what just happened, we

may as well talk about Mike Johnson entering the United States House of Representatives. Sliding in there, real turgid. Turgid Mike, they called him. Fun fact about MJ the turge, he's a big graphic design nut. No, really, Mike designed his own campaign logo when he first ran in 2016, and it looks...

Fine. Got like, state on there. Makes sense. in 2016 and it looks fine. Got like state on there. It makes sense. You know what? It's beautiful, Mike. Maybe you should go into that full time. Anywho, Mike was elected in 2016 to represent Louisiana's fourth district. Any guess what part of the state that is?

It's majority white and heavily dependent on the oil and coal industries, hence the climate-denying stuff. A little over 20% of their residents live below the poverty line. So, naturally, Mike Johnson is really concerned about banning abortion and restricting LGBTQ rights. After being elected, presumably for having the best logo, Mike got all up inside several bills that would either ban or restrict abortion access to help with the poverty and flooding you see.

Also to help with poverty and flooding, he introduced a bill designed to ban the discussion as in public health groups talking to children under 10 about sexual orientation, gender identity, or gender dysphoria in any federally funded institution. Really, really tackling the issues that need tackling in his perpetually waterlogged state.

But as I keep saying, this is all, perhaps tragically, par for the average GOP lawmaker. What makes Mike special is that, much like designing his own campaign logo, he really seems to live the puritanical laws that he legislates. Even if that means discussing his jerk-off, cum-dribble habits with an audience of people. Covenant Eyes is the software that I've, we've been using a long time in our household. What it is, it's accountability software. So

men in a church, you know, men's Bible study groups will do it. That's how it's presented at Promise Keepers. But they also mention, hey, when your kids become teenagers, especially if you have boys, dads, they're talking to the guys at this event, you might want to think about doing this with your sons. And so we've been doing that. And so what it does real simply is it has an algorithm and software. It's way above my head how it works, but it scans. You obviously opt into it, but it scans every, all the activity on your phone or your devices, your laptop, tablet, what have you. We do all of it. And then it sends a report to your accountability partner.

So my accountability partner right now is Jack, my son, right? And so he's 17. So he and I get a report of all the things that are on our phones or all of our devices once a week. If anything objectionable comes up, your accountability partner gets an immediate notice. I'm proud to tell you my son has got a clean slate, alright? Oh my god, he kinda sounds like Jeff Goldblum. I did not expect that. Anyway, cool Mike!

Glad to hear your son isn't jerking off on specifically his phone. I'm sure he'll grow up to be a really balanced and unrepressed dude who will hold zero grudges against you. He's probably really happy that all the other teens know that his dad is his no-no beat-off partner. Very normal stuff. Now onto the fact that the current Speaker of the House and second in line for the President of the United States is sitting in front of a war on technology background while talking about the app that he has that tracks everything he does on his phone and then sends that report to another phone.

The app is called Covenant Eyes and their webpage is totally not creepy and I'm sure these stock photo models are very happy to be associated with it. It's exactly what Mike is saying it is, an app designed to help you stop masturbating by sending your phone data to a friend, or, and this isn't required, a family member.

Although I guess you could also use it if you just wanna share all the awesome porn you're coming to. Subscribe for my daily spooge letter. And of course, like any company whose logo is a magic all seeing eye, apparently it's got a lot of problems because Covenant Eyes isn't just a favorite

for evangelists who want their kids to hate them, but also for probation officers and other cops who want to keep tabs on ex-convicts. Seems telling that the software being used by religious parents concerned about their kids is also being abused by law enforcement. Just a lot of super normal, not at all fucked up stuff from the guy who could be president.

You probably heard about the jerking app because it's fucking weird. What you may not have heard about is MJ's broader views on religion as it relates to governing. And believe it or not, it's a lot grosser than a jizz-shaming app. What's happened, Alex, over the last 60-70 years is that our generation has been convinced that there's a separation of church and state. You heard that all the time. And most people think that that's part of the Constitution, but it's not.

So technically he's right in the Frankenstein isn't the name of the monster kind of way. But he's wrong in the, but Frankenstein was the real monster type of way. If that makes sense. It might not. A wall of separation is how Jefferson referred to the First Amendment that clearly prevents the government from making any laws that respect an establishment of religion. You know, like if someone tried to ban gay marriage or abortion because their specific religion foreboded.

Weird, ooh, ah, ah, ah, weird. So you see where things are heading here for Mike, who has repeatedly introduced the Free Speech Fairness Act, which, wouldn't you know it, isn't really about free speech so much as permitting any tax exempt group, like a church, to retain their tax exemption even if they get involved with political activities. In other words, he wants churches to be able

to legally involve themselves in politics, such as making donations to politicians, giving them the ability to buy somebody, not unlike the oil and gas industries bought him, or depending on your perspective, rewarded him, because that's what you want to happen when you're a Christian nationalist, which is what Mike Johnson is.

He's a true believer, raised in the Southern Baptist Convention, which is one of the largest Protestant denominations in this country, but is becoming increasingly unpopular due to their hardcore anti-gay and anti-trans views. They even expelled one of their churches for having a woman pastor this year! That is some antiquated stuff.

But this is Mike's jam. Mike, who is very concerned about the country moving away from religion and claims that Christianity is under attack by the left, saying, if we don't have a heavenly boss who tells us what's right and wrong, then we define it for ourselves. Mike, who openly believes that the United States has undergone a so-called moral or truth decay, which he has specifically outlined, as in, said aloud with his pretty mouth,

in a timeline that is as follows, quote, 1700 to 1940, biblical morality, aka things are right and wrong because the Bible says so. 1940 to 1960, biblical morality, aka things are right and wrong because society says so. 1960 to 1980, immorality, aka things are right and wrong, but we don't care anymore. 1980 to today, amorality, aka right and wrong are subjective.

Find your truth. Did you catch all of that? That's the current speaker of the house saying that the high point in morality was between 1700 and 1960. Coincidentally, ending right after Jim Crow laws and at the start of women's liberation. And I don't know, call me a dildo. Wow, mean, rude.

I can't believe you actually did it. Okay, but dildo or no, I just don't think our current politicians should be nostalgic for the times of slavery. Honestly, I'm suspicious of anyone who thinks that we need religion to understand the difference between right and wrong, because those tend to be the least moral people.

The kind of person who would say, well, if you can just do what you think is right in your head, there would be sexual anarchy and chaos for everybody else. Not me, I'm normal inside. Hey, interesting and totally unrelated segue, Mike's Southern Baptist Convention has spent the last 20 years covering up roughly 220

sexual offenders in their ranks, resulting in over 700 victims. SBC lawyers just recently helped to fight against an unrelated sex abuse scandal in Kentucky's Supreme Court, because it would set a precedent that would open lawsuits against their own abuse scandals. That's how fucking evil they are.

So how's that for moral and truth decay? See, as evidenced by his views on not saying gay and climate denial, Mike Johnson's actual moral truth is plugging his ears and saying, nah, nah, nah, I can't hear you. But sadly, with a bit of a Jeff Goldblum vibe, his finger wagging ethics are painfully selective. He wants religious morality and freedom,

but only his religion, his freedom. He's a weird little scary freak who lives in a fucked up demon bubble. And he wants us all to live in his bubble too. And after the break, we're going to talk about exactly how he plans to do that. Enjoy these ads, which you can masturbate to. Hello, thoughtful consumer.

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Shopify.com slash more news. I said you can masturbate to the ads. Can! Work with me, okay? Anyway, hi. We were and are talking about Mike MJ, the no-no-jerker, dongson, the penis, Johnson. Actual full legal name. We talked about how he was raised in a religious bubble

and is very clearly a Christian nationalist who wants to reshape the country to fit his personal beliefs and experiences, which he does not care to explore beyond. It's a common problem with bigots, specifically that they live in a bubble and only gain empathy once they meet someone outside of that bubble.

I guess they can't imagine another worldview unless it's right in front of them. Not unlike how some people apparently don't have morals unless they get them in a book written by humans claiming to be speaking for Magic Wizard Daddy. Seems weird. For example, one of the things Mike the Mike Johnson is actually a little bit progressive about is the pickle in this country when it comes to race. I'm really lowering the bar here, but Mike Johnson is one of the few far-righters who spoke out against the murder of George Floyd, correctly identifying it as murder. Real low bar.

Like for context, this was enough for the far, far right to accuse him of being a secret Democrat. Literally him saying, quote, "'George Floyd appears to be the victim of murder. "'Got him in conservative jail.'" That's fucking absurd. And the only reason Johnson felt a fraction of empathy there is because he has adopted a black teenager,

which people have flagged as kind of weird, I guess, since he doesn't mention it much and has no family pictures of the kid. And this is a thing that other GOP weirdos do too? What's with that? Like, I don't know. With Johnson, there's nothing overly fishy if you discount the jerking off app.

Okay, so there's something overly fishy. My main point is that this is why Mike had some semblance of understanding about how much harder it is to be a black teenager in America. Mind you, he still voted against reparations on the House floor and has since walked back a lot of his more progressive statements on race because it was too leftist.

So again, low bar, lowest possible bar for the weird, weird, scary freak, this nasty little freak in his bubble who also wants to reshape America. How do I know that about Mike though? Well, let's start with his views on democracy. You know, we don't live in a democracy because a democracy is two wolves and a lamb

deciding what's for dinner, okay? It's not just majority rule, it's a constitutional republic. The founders set that up because they followed the biblical admonition on what a civil society is supposed to look like. Now, call me a big floppy wet dragon dildo sucker. Nobody?

Thank God, thank you so much for not saying that. But yeah, I don't think our current politicians should believe that America isn't a democracy. Because it is. I mean, it's also a constitutional republic because those two things aren't mutually exclusive. It's a type of the thing. And there are a lot of flaws with our democracy

and voting rights and civil rights. And remember that attempted lazy coup? So yeah, a lot of flaws with our democracy, and voting rights, and civil rights, and remember that attempted lazy coup? So yeah, a lot of problems with democracy, but it is supposed to be one. I guess the lawyer guy's easiest having fun with words, another Frankenstein's monster sitch, probably because he wants to justify a Christian nationalist takeover of the United States,

which I will explain in a moment. For starters, it's probably no surprise that Big Mike is also an election denier who remains firmly balls deep in Trump. He even led a brief in support of Texas v. Pennsylvania, the Supreme Court case attempting to overturn the 2020 election. And much like how he tried to double speak his way

through hand- hand waving democracy, Mike used his fancy big city lawyer talk to try and grift away the election results, claiming that the 2020 election was voided because states modified their voting procedures during the pandemic, which according to him, violated the constitution. And spoilers, it did not.

Also, funny that BM should cite the sanctity of the Constitution considering that he's also dabbling with the idea to rewrite the Constitution, because along with being a MAGA dude, Big City Mike has close ties with the Convention of States Action, a far-right extremist group that is actively looking for ways to rewrite the constitution to achieve partisan goals.

Meaning that they literally meet up and practice rewriting the constitution, the sacred constitution, but we gotta like practice fucking it up. The plan is to use Article 5 to call for a constitutional convention, something that's never been done before, where in theory, each state would only get one vote

to make these changes, effectively undermining democracy and empowering a minority of mostly white and mainly conservative people. After all, that would mean a state with millions and millions of people would have the same power as a state with a few hundred thousand people. The desired result would be to remake the Constitution in their image,

as well as rewrite the Bill of Rights and eliminate federal agencies. They even filmed the event and made a little documentary about it. Convention of States simulation. People with those kind of ideals working together to find consensus for the betterment of our country. People rise above the everyday and start thinking about what can they do to really make a contribution to the future of our country. These are folks who understand what's at stake in the country. They understand their role as state legislators in that. We cannot just pretend it'll fix itself.

We cannot assume foolishly that somebody else will take care of this. This is our time. Ah yes, people with those kind of ideals, working together to find consensus among themselves, a select group with specific beliefs. If you're wondering how Mike, the current House Speaker, fits into that, well, back in 2016, Mike Johnson petitioned

to have Louisiana be one of the states calling for this Article 5 convention while working with the Convention of States Action. Quote, whenever they needed help on a legislator who was on the fence related to the convention, the state's resolution, they would call Mike Johnson. So I don't know if you noticed this, but we finally gotten to why Mike Johnson

isn't just a weird little freak, but a scary weird little freak. He is a far-right Christian nationalist who thinks that America's golden years were the slavery ones, and aspires to literally rewrite the precious, untouchable Constitution to cater to a minority of ultra-right religious weirdos

like himself, presumably to make a world where women are baby factories, divorce is punishable by death, and gay people have to pretend to no longer exist while everybody sends their jerk-off shame to their kids. I'm being hyperbolic, but what's wild is I'm only being a little bit hyperbolic. And of course, and most importantly,

Lord fucking knows what will happen if this terrifying little freak gets to oversee the 2024 election, which he's on track to do. That's what this is all leading to. Like, maybe Mike won't get to rewrite the Constitution, I'm so sorry Mike, but he can certainly screw with an election or two. If the 2024 results are even a little bit close, no Nut Johnson could pull any number of stunts to tilt the favor toward Trump, the sleazy grifter who lies and cheats

and has barely touched the Bible and definitely nuts all the time. Whether or not he tells his kids about it remains to be seen, but I suspect it's probably one of the kids that he does tell. And that's worth mentioning about Mike Johnson. He's a true believer who mingles and fits in perfectly

with the other moralist, MAGA-ass GOP-ers, many of whom are just lying suck-ups who believe in nothing. He's a great example of the monster they have created, but not like Frankenstein's monster. He's also an example of how easily religious fanatics go hand in hand with rifters. Mike seems to be right on the line, preaching about morality while ignoring the overtly amoral

among his party and church, not to mention being funded by oil and gas companies. Hey, did you know that he apparently has no bank account? At least according to his financial disclosures, which sure sounds like a man who absolutely has bank accounts, but doesn't want us to see them. And it's just one more weird hunk of freak

we can throw on his pile, I guess. Mike Bowel Movement Johnson claims to make over $200,000 household income annually, but doesn't have a bank account. What's that all about? You can't just say you don't have a bank account. Well, I guess you can because Mike did that. They say you've never reported a bank account or an asset on a financial disclosure form going back to 2016. Can you clear that up for us? Yes, look, I'm a man of modest means, okay? I was a

lawyer, but I did constitutional law, and most of my career I spent in the nonprofit sector. We have four kids, five now, that are very active, and I have kids in graduate school, law school, undergraduate. We have a lot of expenses, but I can relate to everybody else. My father was a firefighter, right? Oh, right, that explains it. He was the son of a firefighter, which I guess means he doesn't have a bank account. Do firefighters not have bank accounts? Also, he absolutely doesn't sound

like Jeff Goldblum anymore. It must've been the audio quality before. So I guess Mike isn't that unique from the GOP after all. He's the same kind of weird grifter with an added spice of genuine Handmaid's Tale vibes, which still isn't that unique. In fact, when you think about it, Mike Johnson, the religious fanatic

who wants to rewrite the Constitution, he's a moderate for the GOP. After all, he's the House Speaker, the guy put there to literally moderate his party, to keep order, a guy that was accused of being a secret Democrat because he dared to suggest that a black man was murdered by the police. That was too far left for them.

And so this is another way of saying that the GOP, at least the House GOP, has no actual moderates. I know that's old news for some more news, but I think it was just a slow creep, you know? And so people might not have noticed. And if anything, Mike Johnson is a great point of reference for just how far gone one of our political parties currently is.

He's the high watermark now buried under 10 feet of flood, an analogy that will get more and more real in his state of Louisiana. So geez, I don't know, man. I sure hope the next election will prove that this push to the far right is too much for the American people. That would be nice.

Thank goodness the Democrats are running with Joe Biden a guy who's always hanging out with Obama or are they like cousins or something man I thought he died I'm pretty sure he died okay just do the thing.

Okay, so this article is about Joe Biden as if he's alive, but the photo they're showing of him, it looks like he's dead, I don't know. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for watching the video. If you could like the video and subscribe to the channel, that'd really help us out. Leave a comment if you want. And we've got a podcast called Even More News.

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