Some More News - SMN: The Existential Horror Of Living In The Marvel Universe

Episode Date: December 28, 2021

Hi. Here's a video about Tony Stark, The Avengers, and why nobody is going to save us. Support SOME MORE NEWS: http://www.patreon.com/SomeMoreNews We now have a MERCH STORE! Check it out here: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/somemorenews Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/some-more-news/id1364825229 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/6ebqegozpFt9hY2WJ7TDiA?si=5keGjCe5SxejFN1XkQlZ3w&dl_branch=1 Stitcher: https://www.stitcher.com/show/even-more-news Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/somemorenews Visit http://athleticgreens.com/morenews to take control of your health and give AG1 a try. Visit my exclusive link http://ExpressVPN.com/somenews and you can get an extra 3 months FREE on a one-year package. If you go to http://GETQUIP.com/MORENEWS, RIGHT NOW, you'll get your first refill FREE. Right now, Imperfect Foods is offering our listeners 20% off your first 4 orders when you go to http://www.IMPERFECTFOODS.COM and use promo code MORENEWS! Executive Producer Katy Stoll (@KatyStoll). Written by Katie Goldin (@KatieGoldin), Lon Harris @Lons, and David Christopher Bell (@Moviehooligan). Directed by Will Gordh (@will_gordh). Edited by Gregg Meller. Graphics by F. Clint DeNisco. Head Writer - David Christopher Bell. Producer - Nick Mundy. Associate Producer - Quincy Tucker (@LTP313). Follow us on social media! Twitter: https://twitter.com/SomeMoreNews Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/SomeMoreNews/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/SomeMoreNews/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@somemorenewsSupport the show!: http://patreon.com.com/somemorenewsSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

🎵 Here's some more-val news. It has been a fucking week for New York. I don't know if you remember this, what with the New Mexican demon tornadoes and Virginia College monster sighting, but the Stark Expo exploded just five goddamn days ago in Queens. You remember that?

Remember when two lasers shot out of the convention center and like fucking spun around slicing everything in a three block radius before the center exploded? And then a bunch of other different explosions exploded, like big explosions around the main convention center. And it just seems as though there's been a general ramp up of explosions ever since Iron Man like happened to the world and how we only just learned

that weapons manufacturer and really good dancer, Justin Hammer, apparently built a series of rival Stark style robots only to have them all freak out and try to kill everyone and then explode. Remember that? How that was Monday? Well, yeah, so, um, sorry, here's some news. Just as cleanup was slated to start on ground zero of the expo, it turns out that Harlem

also exploded just last night, as in the New York neighborhood of Harlem, just completely getting wrecked by, and this is real, robots? Yes, early accounts describe a giant green man-shaped robot fighting a giant gray man-shaped robot. I assume they're robots because it's not like monsters exist, right? Hey, remember when we didn't have robots like six months ago and now they're everywhere?

It sure seems like ever since Tony killed his elderly mech-suited business partner in the middle of Los Angeles, we've had a stark ton of robots suddenly wrecking up the place. And not just at these expos or rich guy labs, that demon tornado I mentioned earlier, you know, the one that took place

in the middle of New Mexico. Well, it turns out we're just learning that there were sightings of a robot there as well, but like a different and even more advanced robot with a the day the earth stood still vibe. And it exploded an entire town. More explosions, wow, who would have guessed? There are additional reports that the robot backhanded

a hunky Kurt Cobain who showed up later in medieval armor. No clue what that's about. Maybe that was a second robot? So it's like, there's literally nowhere where we might not get randomly attacked by robots now, I think. And I don't know, maybe we should create some new laws to perhaps regulate who gets robots now that everyone has a fucking robot. Seems like that kind of power shouldn't just be privately owned by a few people we trust to be the right hands for this technology, especially when they're this guy.

I have successfully privatized world peace. Oh, okay, interesting. Do we have a clip of that? Anyway, speaking of literally what I just said, when asked about the expo and like, who's liable for all the explosions? Billionaire Tony Stark smirked at what I just said, when asked about the expo and like, who's liable for all the explosions, billionaire Tony Stark smirked at the camera and said, I am Iron Man before getting in a Humvee.

And like, yeah, Tony, we know. You keep saying that. Also, he gave an interview to Newsweek where he casually mentioned that he discovered a brand new element that gives him quote, limitless, renewable, clean energy. And like, why aren't we all talking about that more? Like, hey, Tony, can we have some? The interviewer didn't even ask him a follow-up question after that. Is anyone looking into this brand new miracle element that might solve the world's energy crisis? I don't

know. Maybe we'll get around to that someday. And I'm not saying that Tony's Iron Man suit isn't like extremely awesome. Maybe we'll all get Iron Man suits at some point. Like it would be weird if he just gave one to his friend or girlfriend and then kept the rest and didn't use the technology for like helping people or at least letting them fly around a little bit. Maybe search and rescue or weaponsless automated suits

that administer medical aid in war or just life. I don't know, I'm just Stark balling here. Lest we forget, we're talking about a guy who was a proud and vocal weapons manufacturer just a year ago. And like that conference he gave where he denounced Stark Industries history of aiding mass slaughter was super cool,

even though he seemed to be focused on his weapons falling into the wrong hands, because apparently weapons are fine industry's history of aiding mass slaughter was super cool, even though he seemed to be focused on his weapons falling into the wrong hands, because apparently weapons are fine if used by the United States for the good reasons that totally don't amount to any kind of death or devastation, Tony. The problem totally isn't the weapons themselves. Thanks for helping.

But you know, you don't see someone change their mind like that every day, and I super respect it, but also it seems like since denouncing weapons and working towards peace, he's just made a bunch more explosions. I had my eyes open. I came to realize that I have more to offer this world than just making things to blow up. He said, before making a bunch more things to blow up?

Gee, thanks, Tone. I don't know, maybe it's not his fault. We don't know. Nobody is telling us anything. Like, hey, here's some more New York City news. A man was spotted freaking the heck out in the middle of Times Square this morning. And while that's not normally news,

insider reports are now saying that he is Steve Rogers, a USO performer and propaganda icon named Captain America from like 70 years ago. No, I don't mean a guy that just looks like him, like an impersonator, but the actual guy. I don't know about you, but I always assumed Captain America was some sort of exaggerated Uncle Sam character,

but it turns out he's like one dude. There's even a Smithsonian exhibit being built about him, which is weird because I asked Jarvis Tim last night and the results for Steve Rogers just say that he toured the country promoting war bonds in the 40s before going AWOL and freeing a bunch of prisoners and attacking a series of strategically unimportant Nazi bases and then dying.

Like he didn't even help win the war or stop Hitler or anything. He just crashed into the sea. But now there are rumors of some top secret mission he was on regarding, and I'm reading from the declassified document here, a glowing cube, which still doesn't explain these new rumors

that he's somehow alive and the same age, or maybe it does, I don't know. I guess anything is possible now that we have robots and new elements being invented and these goddamn tornadoes that no one seems that concerned about. It's weird, right? It's weird that in just the last week, we've had multiple terrorist style explosions,

reports of large robots and or monsters, and a man that seemingly time traveled to the future. Most of this just happening in one city. And so that's all what we're going to be talking about today here, because while the instinct is that all of these things are connected, the wild detail here is that they actually might not be. Let's start with Harlem, and while it's possible

the creatures there were robots, witnesses seem to report one of them literally choking out the other one with a chain, which awesome, but also seems to imply that maybe it was some kind of big dude with an organic neck you would want to choke, which is interesting because of this news report from just two days before. It's huge. It's like Hulk. Yeah. McGee, who happens to be a reporter

for the campus paper, captured this on his cell phone. Further search for the mysterious Hulk was postponed by powerful thunderstorms in the Smoky Mountain National Forest. Okay, weird word to call it, Hulk, since that word normally describes something unwieldy like a ship, and this is just one random college student saying it, and the reporter's like,

okay, let's call it that. That's the name of this now, but sure, let's go with it. So a big Hulk was spotted at Culver University in Harlem, but actually seems to originate in these other news reports about a factory in Brazil that was destroyed by, and I'm using the right word here, monster. This same factory actually made the news a little bit earlier for putting out radioactive soda that horribly

killed an old man. Like, really painfully and slowly killed this guy. Meaning that whatever this is might be highly toxic and you certainly wouldn't want to go near it or hold hands with it or fuck it or anything. You might definitely want to do to it. So that's our first thread. The second

is in New Mexico with like this robot fight and weird storms. And let me tell you, I'm just not sure. Local news claims that witnesses saw the robot get murdered by this aforementioned grunge knight with some sort of electricity powers and shoulder length hair, which leads me to think that this was the same guy who attacked Tony Stark during the Grand Prix, but I thought that guy was dead. It seems strange. There would be multiple people running around with lightning powers though.

But also I found one local story about a similar looking man freaking out at a New Mexico hospital. So I just don't know. Also one eyewitness described some sort of unliftable mallet but that witness might've been some random tweaker. It's weird he looks like the same old man that died from the soda. I don't know what that's about.

Also, there were reports of protesters showing up to march against the removal of the mallet because everything's a goddamn argument in this country. But that news sort of petered out after people reported a bunch of government vans moving into the town, which sure seems like something that Tony Stark would be involved in.

So maybe this does have to do with that dude who attacked him at the race that he wasn't supposed to be driving in, but nobody stopped him. Like, I'm sorry, but that driver trained his life to race in the Grand Prix. What a crappy thing to do, Tony. Anyway, I don't know about this demon tornado.

I just don't fucking know because nobody is telling us anything. I guess it's just, you know, another training exercise. An unfortunate training exercise involving an F-22 Raptor occurred yesterday. I am pleased to report that the pilot was not injured. Perhaps considering all these fucking explosions and deaths and city ruining events,

they might be nice enough to fill us in, you know? Because let me tell you, the conspiracies are piling up and we have nowhere else to turn. There are already people comparing this electric brawny man to those stories from the 90s of that like wizard who attacked the train in LA. You remember that? Also had blonde hair, also had electric powers.

And if you recall, there were additional sightings of them in the desert not far from this New Mexico thing. Around the same time, there were all those UFO sightings too. Like when those actual spaceships showed up and one of them exploded in space above earth. Would be pretty impossible to miss that. Also, there was that big story about the abduction of that kid Peter Quill in 1988

that remains unsolved to this day. And at the time, we all kind of wrote that off as an urban legend like Sasquatch or that little bug man in a suit people kept spotting in the 70s, but now, not so sure. Maybe there's something to those abduction stories, because again, they sure aren't telling us anything.

The government seems to be working closely with Tony Stark, a private citizen and billionaire corporatist, and whatever they are doing has resulted in a series of devastating explosions and chaos. At this point, I am willing to accept any possibility. Like even that meme where everyone claims Tony Stark is a vampire because of some picture from a military base in the 70s?

It is all on the table. I mean, I guess every culture has, like that one actor they think is a vampire, like that Kingo guy in India. Hard to believe he's not literally his father and grandfather. Maybe they're all vampires, and that's why this Steve Rogers guy is walking around.

Do we need some kind of vampire hunter? Again, no fucking clue. I'm just spitballing here until someone from the government mercifully gifts us with some shred of information. So, boy, I guess that's it for now. I am absolutely exhausted. Join us next week for our New York charity episode. We're streaming live from the center of Manhattan.

Hopefully together we can pool up some money for the injured and uninsured and perhaps work on rebuilding Harlem. You know, it was a really hard week for New York City, but at least the worst is behind us. Heareth be news. The war criminal Loki was killed last week after suffering a fatal stab wound by a cursed warrior,

which is odd because that man seemed a lot more formidable than that, but what if ever. The only witness to this incident was his brother Thor, who has since claimed that he died in an act of heroism and turned good at the end after, you know, trying to do a genocide in Midgard. Also, it sure is convenient since Thor is the one who broke him out of war crime jail. In probably related news, the King Odin sure has been acting oddly garish lately. Like, with the risk of getting executed, it kind of seems like he's Loki. You know, because we all know Loki can take the form of anyone, so perhaps someone should look into that.

Just a thought. After all, Loki was once slammed repeatedly into the ground by a giant green monster, so it just seems unlikely a single stab would kill him. Again, don't want to be banished or some shit, but Odin was like 5,000 years old, and lately he's been acting like he's 1,000. I don't know, maybe the dude got a hold of a time stone, but we should at least check his blood for an obedience potion or something, right? Because I thought the whole thing was that we didn't want Loki in charge.

What with the whole genociding the frost giants thing, and now this whole business in Midgard. Can't stress enough that I do not want to be banished to go make fucking chalices in Nidavellir or like thrown in the kiln. But it just seems like we've been bouncing from one oil father to the next for thousands of years here. And it might be time to think about forward progress. Like, yes, it's great that Odin fought off the frost giants thousands of years ago, but it sure seems like he's just riding that victory into the

ground. Like, cool, you helped Midgard once a long time ago, but what are we doing for Midgard now? Or any of the other realms, for that matter. I guess you could argue that Thor helped out with the recent disaster, or averted a worse disaster, I suppose, But that was only because Loki got away in the first place. Loki, a frost giant terrorist that we trained, did a coup and then lost track of after he freaked out and tried to use the Bifrost to murder an entire

planet. Like, it's wild when you think about how concerned Thor was about border security when our own Rainbow Bridge laser is the biggest threat to the universe. Not to mention when Thor was immediately banished during that time for wanting to start a fucking war. Remembereth that? Remembereth that leet audio from inside the house of Odinson that everyone was outraged about and then forgot like a week later?

March into Jotunheim as you another realm to teach them a lesson. Why aren't we talking about that still? You know, Loki is a lot of things, but he is the only one who actually tried to return the casket of ancient winters back to the Frost Giants. It is, after all, theirs. And yet we just stole it like thousands of years ago and refuse to give it back because we're, what, the police of the nine realms? Again, Loki is a real turd. But if returning the source of their power actually creates peace with Jotunheim, then frankly, I don't care who does it. Perhaps it's a better solution than fucking invading their land, Thor. And so, just to recap,

Thor Odinson broke a treaty with the Frost Giants and was banished for like a week for his arrogance right before Odin got super sick and had Loki take over. And gee, I don't know, maybe we shouldn't have 5,000-year-old guys in charge of everything for this reason. Like, I know we all laughed when Odin got sick after he kept publicly calling the Odin sleep a media hoax and blamed it all on Muspelheim, but that probably should have been a wake-up call for us. I mean, Loki nearly committed two

consecutive genocides before a bunch of puny Midgard heroes had to catch him. Not Odin, not the goddamn Einherjar, but like five puny mortals, and I guess Thor helped. And by helped, I mean broke Loki out of jail and then got him stabbed. Sorry, allegedly stabbed. And now, some lighter news. In a returning segment that we call, What's the dealeth with Thor's eyebrows? Hey, what's the dealeth with Thor's eyebrows? They were like blonde at first and

almost blended in with his skin. And then they got way darker a few years later. And like, did he dye them? Does Thor dye his eyebrows? And if he does, then does that mean he dyes his hair? Or did he like have blonde hair and decide to dye his eyebrows to match them and then gradually decided not to dye them? Or were they first blonde and he now dyes them brown? What's going on there? Thor, what's going on with your eyebrows, man? Emaileth me about your eyebrows. Anyway, this has been What's the Dealeth with Thor's Eyebrows. Well, hope I don't get executed for that. These Odinson's love to act like there's a free press in Asgard, but boy,

most days it seems like it's us against them. There's all this performative back and forth between brothers and fathers. But at the end of the day, they're all just hanging out. They're in their castles with their frosty mugs of ale. And we're out here being kept in the dark world with our frosty mugs of ale. But we're out here being kept in the dark world with our frosty mugs of ale. But like, hey, perhaps we can use that soul forge to heal people,

besides just the king's son's girlfriend, you know? Maybe a little universal soul forge for all? But instead of any measure to help the common folk, the king's two idiot sons keep fucking up realm after realm and receiving exactly zero accountability. Like, are we even going to try and clean up Midgard? According to Odin, Thor's hammer has the power to both destroy and build. But I sure as shit haven't seen any example of the latter. Dude just grabbed Schwab with his new Midgard friends and left. And I know it's just some Fenris shit rock on the

other side of the galaxy, but it sure feels like we have some responsibility, right? King Sun opened a big black hole and shoved a bunch of Chitauri through it. Where did he even get those Chitauri? Those fuckers were last seen with Thanos at the Zen Warberry Massacre, and now the King Sun is hanging out with them? Did anybody look into that? I don't know. Maybe I'm paranoid. But a member of the royal family was seen palling around with a cybernetic hive mind, surfing on fucking leviathans and shit. And nobody seems to be questioning that.

Like, here is some news. The mad titan Thanos continues his tour of destroying half of every planet and randomly abducting children. According to reports, the swole genocide enthusiast is seeking out the Infinity Stones, one of which is right here, so maybe we need to worry about that. So far, the only response has been a group of protesters who showed up in front of Thanos' tiny floating space rock, who he then immediately eviscerated. So, you know, maybe some concern is required. Maybe some concern that Loki has been hanging out with Thanos' freaking army.

Or that Thor, the guy who originally wanted to go to war with the Frost Giants, fucked up with his murderous brother, and then just claimed he got stabbed somewhere with no witnesses, and then Odin starts acting like Loki? Perhaps I'm as nutty as a reticulaturer, but it sure seems like bouncing leadership from one Allfather to the next without holding any elections or something like that is bad news for all of us. And it's just a matter of time until they get us blown up or some shit like- Wait, yes? It's Magic Rock. Yes? I- us and it's just a matter of time until they get us blown up or some shit like wait yes it's magic rock guys i've just been informed that i have been banished but also i'm required to do an ad too well that's pretty fucked up all right well here's some ads enjoy them

hello puny insignificant mortals unlike me your bodies are frail and temporally limited. You will surely die soon, possibly before this ad is complete. That's why it's important that you pay attention to your pathetic human need for nourishment. And yet you live like a voracious bilge snipe, wolfing down fleeting forms of sustenance at every turn. You sicken me. That's why you should try AG1 by Athletic Greens, the category-leading superfood product that brings comprehensive and convenient daily nutrition

to everybody, even you. Ah, yes. A hearty warrior's quaff. Just one powerful scoop of AG1 contains 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food sourced ingredients, such as a multivitamin, multimineral probiotic green superfood blend, and more in one convenient daily serving. It will sustain those who don't have time for a balanced human diet. And because your kind is so feeble, Athletic Greens is going to give you an immune-supporting, free, one-year supply of vitamin D and five free travel packs with your first purchase if you visit athleticgreens.com slash more news today. Again, simply visit athleticgreens.com, more news, to take control of your health and give AG1 a try. Do it before you perish.

Yar! Yar. Good day to you and your realm. You know, as a powerful Asgardian with access to high-speed internet, I do occasionally enjoy your suggestive midgard photographs of respected cartoon species in various acts of coupling. But alas, I am ashamed

by this. This is why I use ExpressVPN, an app for your computer or phone that will encrypt your network data and hide your IP address so that no one will be able to detect your dark midgardian fantasies. Nor shall your personal information be sold off to sinister advertisers or dark elves. Even the mighty internet service providers will be at your mercy.

All thou must do is visit ExpressVPN.com slash some news to swiftly cut down your enemies. That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-p-n.com slash some news to get three extra months free with my exclusive link. Go to expressvpn.com slash some news right now to learn more. You shall enjoy the romantic expressions of Sonic the Hedgehog, Earth's fastest warrior, in peace. Welcome back to Marvelous News. Our top story, the Sokovia capital Novigrad levitated hundreds of feet into the air before exploding, killing 177 people, but probably those were all bad guys and not like kids or anyone's family. And I know what you're all thinking. It must have something to do with those Avengers or someone who was mad at them or something like that. I get it.

We're all upset after what Hulk did in Johannesburg. Personally, I was on vacation in Seoul when their Quinjet grazed the building I was in and shattered the windows into my arm and leg. When Captain America took down those city sized helicarriers, the ensuing debris decapitated three of my personal friends. The Chinese theater completely exploded and that's a bummer. It was a pretty iconic landmark. Also, did anyone notice when that giant blob of blue glowing goo exploded out of a Dairy Queen in Missouri and started engulfing and murdering everyone? Anyone else recall that? It killed like half a town and then no one talked about it after that. Like it was this giant blob that ate everyone, stopped for a few minutes, and then ate a bunch more people before randomly stopping again. Did anyone find out what that blob was

and if it's still a danger or did we just move on? Seems weird that we never circled back to that giant blob. Can we check in on the giant blob thing? Point is, we've been through a lot. In the last few years, we learned that the Vice President of the United States committed treason resulting in the near-public immolation of the President, whoever that was. Not to mention, that time we learned that an entire branch of our country's law enforcement agencies were secretly Nazis,

like Operation Paperclip, but for an entire branch of our government. I mean, who knew that the people entrusted to police America would be secretly fascist, am I right? You know, it's not every day we see attempted sedition and country-wide systemic authoritarianism in the United States. Totally unheard of. The point I'm getting at here is that it sure seems like the United States government is having a bit of a hiccup at the moment, and so perhaps we shouldn't be so hard on these Avengers. We're already getting word that Hulk was apparently brainwashed into destroying Johannesburg, not to mention that the low body count in Sokovia was due to folks like Captain America and Iron Man evacuating the city before it exploded. The entire ordeal was caused not by the Avengers, but rather a black market

arms dealer named Ulysses Klaue, who rumor has it created some kind of robot, or maybe the robot was from space. We've had space robots before, and there's nothing we can do about that. We're even getting some new Avengers added to the team, which includes James Rhodes, seems about time. Congratulations to the war machine, as well as Sam Wilson, who you might have seen flying around like a goddamn bird these past few years. Pretty cool. Also, some newcomers. A Wanda Maximoff, who I'm now being told is the dark witch who brainwashed the Hulk into destroying Johannesburg. But, I mean, I'm sure she has her reasons. Listen, they don't tell us everything right away, but I'm sure it'll all make sense in just a few months. Also, I hear we have another god now, like a mysterious see-through cape deity that kind of looks like Satan,

actually. Is that Satan? Did the Avengers recruit Satan? Again, no doubt they'll fill us in when they're ready, but that might be Satan. I mean, it's not impossible, considering that we only recently learned that the entirety of Germanic mythology is, I guess, true? And people have physically met the Norse god Thor. He's done, like, interviews. He was on an episode of Hot Ones that was unsurprisingly anticlimactic. So what, does this mean Jesus and the Bible were wrong, or is Moses going to show up one day to beat the shit out of a giant lizard or something? Like, it's really, really odd that this one specific religion turned out to be 100% accurate, and now, much like our disillusionment with the United States, everyone is sort of questioning anything that isn't Scandinavian in origin.

Just today, we learned that the majority of New York churches have hastily replaced Jesus on the cross with Thor's image, which, in their defense, wasn't a hard adjustment. I think he just replaced the thorns with, like, a Marilyn Monroe wig. And boy, are those fucking Scandinavians feeling themselves right now. Like, I get it. Your gods turned out to be the right gods. No need to rub it in our faces. Holy war over. You won. Norway won. World, zero. But despite all of that, everything else is still going great. We're starting to rebuild New York. Tony Stark has been talking about the possibility of maybe exploring the idea of perhaps finally using his arc reactor to power cities. Maybe Stark Industries will start selling those

flying jets or something. Heck, we'll probably get those cool holographic computers soon, right? Tony's great. Always saying cool quips and stuff, blowing up shipyards. We love him. We're doing great. We got rid of Hydra, took care of those Ten Rings dudes, or rather that honky pretending to be the Ten Rings in order to settle that honky pretending to be the Ten Rings in order to settle a personal grudge he had with Tony Stark, but again, nothing he could have done about that. Yes, sure, most of the terrorists going around lately have been people with personal grudges against Tony Stark, and perhaps he should have been nicer, but hindsight is 20-20. I don't want to see any more tweets about how Tony Stark shouldn't have broadcast

his personal address and was somehow caught off guard when a bunch of helicopters blew up his Malibu home or any more autopsy photos of men with the rib cages crushed by Captain America's shield. The man doesn't have handcuffs on his suit. So yeah, sometimes he has to kick a dude so hard he flies off the side of a boat and pinwheels into the ocean and gets washed up days later in a public beach. It happens. Does Thor cause massive blackouts every time he charges his hammer? Sure. But that's the price of freedom, folks. It's just stuff we have to get used to in this new phase of society. Like how everyone has seen and recorded Bruce Banner's sweaty dick from all the times he unhulked and lost his clothes.

There's an entire subreddit devoted to Bruce Banner's dick now. So what? And in other news, Hawkeye's official mobile app has been shut down after only six months. The app was originally designed for fans to directly interact with the lesser beloved Avenger, but was quickly infiltrated by trolls flooding the message board with taunts referring to the hero as a squished face arrow simp, as well as a BDSM Robin Hood. No word from the Avenger, also known as Clinton Barton during this time, but rumor has it that he was planning to use the app to boost his music career. Breaking news!

Oh, dang, this just in. We're now learning more details about the origins of the mysterious robot who attacked Sokovia. Was he from outer space? Perhaps he was built by some evil mastermind? Please bear with me while I listen in. All right, they're explaining it now. It seems the robot's name was Ultron, and it was constructed by... You want it to what? Global Defense Program. At a party? Well, how many did he make? Okay, well, How would he know the song from Pinocchio? Frosted Tips, you say? Okay, well, thanks for the news.

I think I might grow this back out. Gonna grow this back out real quick. So I guess enjoy those sponsors while I do that. I can do it, hold on. Do the ads. Hello, global community. You know, looking this good doesn't come easy. And for anyone looking to get that stark level chic and confidence,

it often starts with good and basic health habits when you start or end your day, specifically your chompers. And luckily, that's why we have Quip, the electric toothbrush company loved by over 7 million mouths. Their toothbrush is like something straight out of the Avengers compound. Ooh, what with timed sonic vibrations to guide a dentist-recommended clean. It also has a sleek and lightweight design and multi-use travel cover, so you can bring it wherever you've been displaced by mass destruction.

You can also upgrade your Quip with a brand new smart motor that connects to a free Quip app, so you can brush just like Tony Stark. Or a bad Tony Stark impression. And boy, gee whiz, Quip doesn't just sell brushes. You can have everything you need for a complete routine delivered to your door, such as anti-cavity toothpaste and reusable floss picks. No more burning through the disposable kind for you. Did I mention their brushes are only $25?

Come on now. If you go to getquip.com slash more news right now, you'll get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash more news right now, you'll get your first refill free. That's your first refill free at getquip.com slash more news. Once more, it's spelled G-E-T-Q-U-I-P dot com slash more news. Quip, the good habits company. Brush like an Avenger. Ha ha! Hello there, cowering citizens.

It's me, Katie. I don't know about you, but it's been pretty tough to go out and buy groceries lately. I recently took the subway and Captain America tackled a robot straight through the side of the train car. The fear in everyone's eyes. Oh, it's something that I'll never forget. But it's cool, man. I'm sure he had his reasons. The point is that I want to tell you about Imperfect Foods, a grocery delivery service offering an entire line of sustainable groceries that taste delicious

and reduce waste just by embracing the natural imperfections in food. You know, even with all the amazing space age technology the Avengers will definitely one day share with the rest of the world, each year 35% of the food supply goes unsold or uneaten in the United States. But Imperfect Foods is working to turn this around by sourcing foods that would otherwise fall through the cracks of our food system. And unlike other food delivery companies, Imperfect delivers weekly by neighborhood, producing 25 to 75% fewer emissions than individual trips to the grocery store.

It's easy to use and customize and all that other great stuff too. Trust me. And right now, Imperfect Foods is offering our listeners and watchers 20% off your first four orders when you go to imperfectfoods.com and use promo code MORENEWS. Again, that's 20% off your first four orders, and that's up to an $80 value at imperfectfoods.com, promo code MORENEWS. That's right. Join the movement at imperfectfoods.com and use code MORENEWS.

Do it before you explode into dust. Hey, welcome back to the news. I'm your host. I can't remember my name because I have a concussion at the moment. And no, this eyepatch isn't a copy Nick Fury. Midland Circle collapsed next to my apartment and a bunch of drywall punched me in the face. Don't even want to leave my home anymore.

The other day, I was walking to the bus and saw a chick in a leather jacket punch a guy so hard he shat blood right there on the sidewalk. Seems there's like ten super-powered people just here in the city now and it's just complete carnage. I read an interview with Daredevil saying he doesn't kill people, but I've literally seen news footage of him kicking a man directly in the face so hard that he flew through the air.

There is no way that man survived. Also, the NYPD have begun to find random criminals glued to alleyway walls with giant spider webs, and I shudder to think what could be doing it. Also, I read on a forum that there are dragon bones under the city now. So that's fun. I guess dragons and giant spiders exist probably,

and we're all living in Middle Earth now. There might even be some wizard magic on account of the Pym Technologies headquarters in San Francisco seemingly imploding during a presentation. Seems like we deserve to know why that happened. I mean, there sure appear to be a bunch of sightings of tiny cars and shit around that area, and frankly, I have no idea if I need to be terrified.

And finally, NASA is on month 11 of searching for the Hulk's frozen corpse that is surely orbiting the planet. Sure seems to be wasting a lot of resources ferrying celebrities into space to try and spot Hulk's dead ass body. So that's some of the stuff that's been happening, but boy, that's not even what we're here to talk about,

because here's some breaking news. There's apparently some kind of awesome superhero battle currently happening in the Leipzig Halle Airport in Germany, causing massive travel delays, but what the hell else is new? Weird how we're all still flying in regular planes when I'm pretty sure Quinjets and Helicarriers have existed for a while now.

You're probably watching this on a laptop and not some cool hologram computer too. Thanks for nothing, Stark Industries. Anywho, just gonna, you know, pull out the old not futuristic space age cell phone and give it a look. Yep, that's awesome. Also pretty crazy someone got such dynamic footage of this

and put music over it, but I guess journalism is all about who has the best presentation. Anywho, yeah, it's fucking awesome, and they're all fighting each other and there appears to be a giant there? Like, like a giant man? So I guess we can add that to the dragons and spiders. Okay, well that's pretty fun to watch. Not gonna lie, this looks totally sweet. There's a pajama guy swinging around like Tarzan? No idea who that is. Okay, yes, that is absolutely balls-out killer to watch. But this news dude feels like it might be time to address a few concerns

about the fact that the world-spanning team of superheroes who operate outside of the law are now literally duking it out in a random airport, and we have no idea why. I'm not even sure who to root for here. And like, I assume this has something to do with the newly established United Nations Sokovia Accords, which if you recall, were created a month after the terrorist attack in Lagos

that killed several humanitarian workers from the nation of Wakanda, a small country that no one was talking about until just now. The Avengers and a group of mercenaries in Lagos, Nigeria last month, the traditionally reclusive Wakandans were on an outreach mission in Lagos when the attack occurred.

Our people's blood is spilled on foreign soil. So that's odd. Both the neighboring Kampala and Nairobi are giant cities with like millions of people, so you'd think someone would have more information about this place. Also, just a few days ago, the Wakandan King T'Chaka was killed in another explosion,

which seems bad and tragic, but also still weird that we don't know much about Wakanda and no one seems to have visited there, and we have no pictures or even a Jarvispedia page about it. You know, I'm just very confused and my ears won't stop ringing and everything seems to be exploding all the time

and I can't help but notice that things didn't explode nearly as much before Tony Stark began flying around in his metal rich guy suit. And now we're getting all these stories about this long history of scandals and misdeeds, countless women stepping forward with claims of harassment and systemic emotional abuse

involving Tony sleeping with women and then having pepper pots berate and eject them from his house. Flight attendants forced to double as strippers aboard his private jet. Flight logs being covered up. Guests at his parties coerced into signing NDAs following an apparent drunken brawl between Iron Man and War Machine, endangering countless lives in the process. Really dark stuff. And so I think about that Senator Stern guy from a few years back, who did all those hearings about how perhaps Tony Stark shouldn't get to privatize all his massively powerful technology and use it exclusively for himself.

Your priority was actually the well-being of the American citizen. My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon priority was actually the wellbeing of the American My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon turned over to the people of the United States of America. Well, you can forget it. And like, yeah, we all had a big laugh at how witty Tony was being. And yes, that Senator guy turned out to be one of those super Nazi Hydra plants,

but he wasn't entirely wrong in those hearings about this one thing. At the time, Tony's excuse was that he wasn't going to give up the Iron Man technology because, as he loves to say, he is Iron Man. But what about all the other robots and weapons and tech he has since built? Like I don't even need Stark technology

to be completely open source, but maybe he could have at least explained that whole thing where he can power an entire city on clean and renewable energy. With that new element he's apparently keeping to himself, you know, because the only thing he's powered so far is his one fancy building in New York. Maybe someone else could have gotten on that, even if he didn't have time to, because he's too busy going to almost space with his billionaire rocket suit.

Yeah, real cool, Tony. You wrote a nuke to the edge of space and now you're acting like that's a huge accomplishment. You were barely in space. And like, I don't know, perhaps by working with the government, he could have discussed his plan to build a worldwide robot protection army before actually implementing it and releasing Ultron on the world.

Maybe we could have had a vote or something before fundamentally changing the entire defense system. You know, it took months to figure out what even happened in Sokovia, because as I keep saying, no one tells us anything. A bunch of bizarre events happen, often leading to some kind of catastrophe. And then by the time everyone learns what happened, we're just off to the next thing. And it doesn't even seem like the United States government or anyone but like six people are even anywhere close to being in the loop at this point.

Like, does anyone even know when our last election was? Can anyone name who the president is? Do we even have one anymore? These Sokovia Accords were ratified by 117 countries around the world. And yet we're now being told that this bad-ass airport fight is a direct result of half of the Avengers flat out refusing to go along with them.

Steve Rogers has gone on record saying that he trusts his own personal judgment over what governments have to say, which I understand, me too, but like that's not how it works, man. He's just some dude we found in ICE. Dude is from the 1940s and apparently thinks he's more fit to run things than a democratic power. I repeat, Captain America grew up and went to school in a time before black people were allowed to vote and is now running around the world, shaping global policy via punching. He literally beat up a SWAT team and stole a police van,

which awesome, but all that damage? Who's gonna pay for that, Steve? You make a lot of money as Captain America. And when 60% of all countries asked for just a little bit of accountability, he has thrown it right back in our face. Sokovia courts for thee, but not for me. And I totally get that until recently,

the US was basically puppeted by a secret Nazi-born shadow government, and that's super bad. Ever since the widow leak stuff happened, we have learned a lot about that. All the bad stuff the USA did since World War II was secretly Hydra, so pretty big weight off our backs, I guess.

But it sure seems weird that all these surveillance programs and sky-fucking helicarriers were seen as totally good and necessary when Shield was using it, and then suddenly bad when Hydra had it. You know, pretty convenient that we got to pin every American atrocity on this one group and then never question whether all these

overreacting weapons and overreaching surveillance technology are a bad thing across the board. And how we love to make this distinction between bad weapons dealers and good weapons dealers as if there's a difference. Like, gee, sure seems weird that there's suddenly a lot of really bad arms dealers now that Tony invented a bunch of wild ass weapons.

Good thing we got the good guys to help and not question where the bad guys suddenly got all the weapons. So yeah, perhaps nobody should hold a monopoly on the type of technology that Tony Stark is putting out without some kind of regulation. Just a thought from my bruised brain. Like remember all those years ago

when Stark told the press he was done making weapons for the government and then went on to just build and hoard a bunch of way more dangerous weapons just for himself while also still making new weapons for S.H.I.E.L.D. Who do you think gave those helicarriers those new repulsor engines? Fucking Bruce Banner? Way to keep everyone safe, Tone! Way to hand over that mind control crystal to the secret Nazis after the New York attack. Good job building an out-of- control robot that destroyed an entire nation. Your beard sucks. I never liked it. I was doing it ironically. And Cap, if I ever go clean-shaven,

that's ironic too. Just sign the goddamn accords already, you 100-year-old fuck. Before Thor brings another one of his weird siblings to destroy another city, you just know he's got another one hiding somewhere. And for fuck's sake, we still haven't fixed Harlem yet. Because of course we haven't. I need to go lie down. But first, a word from our sponsors. Fun! Hello, frightened citizens. I'm still don't remember my name. Here to ask you a simple question. Do you have ongoing personal trauma and regret related to your dead loved ones? Perhaps you never got to say goodbye or have a specific memory you'd like to relive. Maybe your parents died in one of the many explosions we've experienced.

Well, that's why I'm going to tell you about Stark Industries new binarily augmented retroframing semi-holographic therapy app. It's like a family therapy session for your phone because Thor forbid we have a working healthcare system that allows people to get actual professional help from a doctor. Seems like Stark could have used his wealth to create some sort of system like that, but instead built his own holodeck

that he's now sort of sharing with us all. You might've recently seen Tony Stark publicly relive his family drama, i.e. his grotesquely wealthy dad was busy sometimes to demonstrate this new barf tech at MIT and wondered when we'd all be able to have this technology ourselves. Well, I'm here to tell you that no, not yet,

but at least there's now a way less impressive app version. It's not holographic or anything and just seems like a transparent money grab. But heck, if you use the promo code SOMEMOREPUKE right now, then you can get up to 3% off your first therapy session. Just visit stark.barf.com and enter SOMEMOREPUKE. Try it today before you die in an explosion. Holy fucking Hulk shit, breaking news! A building in China is being brutally demolished

by some kind of planet-destroying vortex that appeared over the city of Hong Kong and has begun engulfing every living thing in its path. I don't know, it's some kind of supernatural hole slowly getting larger, and with no sighting of the Avengers, it sure seems like this is it, folks. Man, I gotta call my parents and tell them I love them and confess a lot of stuff, and also...

Holy fucking Hulk shit, breaking news! A building in China is... Totally fine? Nothing of interest or to note at this time. And frankly, I'm not sure why I'm reporting this. That's strange. Yeah, yeah, strange is a good word to describe this. It seems like something just happened, but I'm not sure what. Maybe I should call a doctor?

Odd. Well, back to... crying in my apartment, I guess. Later, everyone! Here is some Cruz. The space city known as Asgard exploded today after a giant fiery man stomped the city to death. We Kree do not bother ourselves with the business of Yggdrasil, and so this does not affect us in any way. The residents of the realm were able to escape on a single spaceship, which is odd that so many of them were able to fit into one vessel.

Seems like there were a lot of them, but we do not care. In other crews, the fugitives responsible for the demise of Kree outcast Ronan the Accuser have been spotted near the celestial head known as Nowhere. Witnesses have described the gang as plucky and accompanied by a large violent tree, often playing ironic C-5030 in music from a more nostalgic era. So far, all attempts to capture the escaped convicts have been described as wacky. You know, they're in that wacky part of space that we do not like to go to. The one with the talking duck that seems somewhat tonally inconsistent but extremely entertaining. But we do not care. Also, that trash planet filled

with poverty where creatures are forced to fight one another for a slim chance at luxury and wealth mainly held by eccentric sadists. A worthless, polluted rock filled with bizarre war crimes and useless arena contest that calls itself Earth. A disgusting place we refer to as C-53 that served the Kree well as a petri dish for our many experiments. This includes human fugitive and Kree guinea pig Carol Danvers, who also remains at large. She is to be considered extremely dangerous and overpowered, but luckily only shows up

sporadically to turn the tide of skirmishes at the last possible moment. But we do not care. Breaking Cruise of skirmishes at the last possible moment. But we do not care. Breaking cruise! Oh, and this just kin, it appears that the Asgardian ship has been brutally attacked not hours after their maiden voyage. Our Kree reporters are still getting all of the information, but have described the massacre as swift and somewhat frustrating considering all of the effort made toward evacuating the planet. Like, it almost seems like none of that business with the giant fiery man mattered after all. But we do not care. Stay tuned after the break for our hollow weather report.

Spoilers, this week will be kind of orangish yellow and always at sundown for some reason. But we do- Here's some, you know, news or whatever. Yesterday, a big circular spaceship hovered over New York City because they just love messing with New York, but then, after a little bit, it just left? I don't fucking know, man. It looked like Iron Man and that Spider-Man guy were fighting some kind of ghouls with the help of another guy in a robe.

And like the robe was also alive. Dude had like magician hair. Dressed like a Highlander or something. Probably a good guy. I don't know. I don't know if the ship was good or bad. But everyone seemed to leave on it. So now I guess Iron Man and Spider-Man are like in space.

And so there goes all the non-criminal fugitive avengers we had you know because hulk also went to space seems like space is the cool place to be now no one cares about earth anymore now that they've ruined it then who the fuck knows or cares where hawkeye is maximoff and that ant guy were in ocean jail but then then Black Widow and Captain America apparently broke them out. And now they and that God robot are just... I hear that Ant guy's back in custody, but also it sure seems like a lot of random cars and shit have been shrinking and getting really large in San Francisco again. Like, you know everyone saw your giant body explode off the pier, right? That wasn't subtle. It was on the news. Everyone got a cell phone video. So yeah, everyone's just gone.

Sure hope there isn't like some other terrorist about to kidnap the city of Chicago or something. Another giant robot bird man blowing up national monuments and ripping boats in half. Hey, pretty cool how the only people who seem to have the power of flight and all this cool alien tech is either a very select group of heroes

or a whole bunch of villains. I know I sound like a broken record, but what's the point of withholding super technology in case it falls into the wrong hands when literally all of the wrong hands seem to have the technology already. And the only people who don't have access are regular people.

Seems like there should be a middle ground between Darren Cross making an army of shrinking soldiers and Pym's technology being exclusively used by a single dude on house arrest. Maybe that enlarging technology could be used to, gee, I don't know, completely eliminate world hunger? Ending of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, anyone? But no, I guess it can't fall into the wrong hands, except when it does all the time. Seriously, wrong hands? What exactly are your hands doing with it, Pim? You fucking goatee wearing shrink hog.

Holy Christ. I'm so tired, you guys. Anyway, spaceship. No one was killed this time, except for a single high school student who vanished from a bus. Not that it really matters, but if you know the whereabouts of one Peter Parker,

I guess called a cops or something, he's probably dead. So many are dead at this point. It's just been like eight years of nonstop global disasters. So many explosions and fights. I have no idea who is good and who is evil. Like remember that robot armed terrorist that fought Captain America in the street four years ago

and teamed up with the secret Nazis. And then how like right after that, there was news footage of him hanging out with Captain America. What the fuck was that? What was that guy's deal? Where did he even go? Can we get robot arms for like people with no arms?

Tony working hard on incredible magic sci-fi tech to actually help people, right? And does anyone know why Iron Man and Cap suddenly hated each other? Nobody tells us anything. Sorry, our title monkey exploded, so we got a new guy now. Gotta deal with loss, you know?

So yeah, I guess I'm glad that all these heroes are gone. Seriously, now that they've fucked off into space, maybe we can get a second of peace. Perhaps we can get our economy going again if people weren't terrified to go outside. We've had malls, airports, movie theaters, government buildings, highways, city streets, all attacked. All of our infrastructure has been usurped

by government agents in the interest of national security concerning things they barely tell us about. You know, I read an interview with that vulture guy, Adrian Toomes, and he was saying that the entire reason he started doing super crime was because the DODC shut his salvage company down due to a contract they had with none other than Stark freaking Industries. It's like there's only one goddamn corporation now

that's allowed to handle the entire U.S. government. And boy, that's pretty weird, isn't it? How Tony Stark refused to divulge any of his technology and then used his position to basically monopolize an entire nation. And yet we still haven't gotten any flying cars or holographic computers or arc reactors or that fucking holodeck he promised. I mean, shit, Stark has been promising flying cars since their expo in the fucking 40s, and they still haven't delivered on that. I even heard there's a goddamn magic medical box that will literally heal the sick

that's being used exclusively by and for and on the Avengers. Where's our med box for all, huh? What the fuck are we doing here? Like, of course, if we don't fix these systemic inequalities, we're gonna keep getting these weird and elaborate villains every motherfucking month. But then we wouldn't need the heroes, now would we?

Like, you know, these guys are dicks, but they're usually right. Not just Vulture, but that Killmonger guy a few years back, that dude had a huge point that we just sort of dismissed when he fucked up the London Museum. Museums! That's another place we're scared to go now. And lately, it seems like all these guys

came in direct reaction to the Avengers. If not having been literally created by them. Remember that Mandarin guy? He turned out to be a British actor, which is odd since no one in the entire world recognized him at the time. But in those creepy videos, he'd often talk about America's long history of wiping out indigenous tribes

and sticking their armies in foreign lands. Ready for another lesson? In 1864 in Sand Creek, Colorado, the US military waited till the friendly Cheyenne Braves had all gone hunting, waited to attack and slaughter the families left behind and claim their land. Sorry folks, wet tickle man is outside, so I gotta lay low for a second.

Super don't want to deal with that guy. Anyway, yes, the Mandarin and those other villains were murdering dicks, but they were all part of this compounding cycle where they would do unspeakable acts in retaliation for systemic failures in the status quo, and then, as promised in their name, these acts were avenged by our superhero teams in order to protect that same broken status quo without ever addressing the systemic issues at hand. Okay, I think he's leaving. Dude really weirds me out. All right, cut to a clip.

Let's recap some of the frightening developments. American airwaves were hijacked. The nature remains on high alert. All attempts to find the Mandarin have so far proved unsuccessful. Central to my administration's response to this terrorist event is a newly minted resource. I know him as Colonel James Rhodes. The American people will soon know him as the Iron Patriot. And how is President Ellis responding? By taking the guy they call War Machine and giving him a paint job. Okay, it's bad enough that all these villains have a point. Now I have to agree with Bill fucking Marr?

And then, as a result of all that avenging, more often than not, this would create yet another villain with yet another very good point about injustice who they'd have to fight. And all while these ultra rich, super powered, costumed weirdos never really used their privilege to better the world between these disasters. They just kept edging out our government and democracy,

building up this personal arsenal of weaponry and surveillance tech that enraged more and more super villains who used our cities as their fighting arena. Yes, sure, they try to save lives in real time, but imagine how many lives could be saved if they put their efforts into bettering the day-to-day functions of the world. Like how freaking convenient is it that all the people pointing out systemic failures turned out to be monsters that we can dismiss? Occasionally someone murmurs, well, the villains have a point,

but it sure seems like nothing actually gets done beyond that. All ideological disagreements are ignored and left unsettled because some bigger threat comes along. And so the world just keeps getting more and more chaotic and shitty while these gaudy demigods buzz over our terrified heads in pursuit of various personal vendettas and violent

acts of heroism against problems stemming from a system they refuse to help change. So yes, I'm glad they're gone. Because at least now we- and breaking news. Well, they're back. Fuck. Okay. Or rather, we're hearing reports about a bunch of giant weird looking spaceships showing up over the country of Wakanda. You know, that country we only just learned had a bunch of Jetsons age technology that they vowed to share with the world, but instead just built a bunch of rec centers

where I guess they decide who's king based on whoever can punch the other guy the hardest. Great system you got there. Let's watch. Neat, looks like death. Anyway, these spaceships have apparently appeared over the country before vanishing into a bunch of dense trees.

And I guess, fucked if I know what that's about. They might even belong to Wakanda for all we know, because, well, nobody tells us anything. And in other news, Ant-Man has now been spotted on the roof of a parking garage next to a van equipped with what appears to be a retro style robot anus or something, no word on whether that's good or bad, or if the van is gonna spring alive

and kill a bunch of people in the name of abortion rights or whatever, there's literally no way to know. And frankly, where's that noise? Oh thank god. Take me, darkness. Mr. Cody, are you home? You weren't answering, so I slid under the door. Oh, hello. Was Mr. Cody telling you about Mr. Stark and all his wonderful inventions and facial hair?

Wombo loves Mr. Stark and Mr. America and Mr. Man and Miss Widow and other Mr. Man and Mr. Fury and Mr. Thor, but not Mr. Hulk because he makes Wombo scared. Bye now. Cody will return in 2022 in January. Next week, so, you know, pretty soon. Everybody, thanks for watching.

Make sure to like and subscribe do the youtube stuff and also you know we've got a patreon.com slash some more news we've got a podcast that's this show and a show called even more news we have merch with stuff on it and uh that's probably the end of this sentence but it is