Something Was Wrong - Data Points: Narcissistic Abuse (featuring Vanessa Reiser, LCSW)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Wondery Plus subscribers can listen to Something Was Wrong early and ad free right now. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Hi friends, it's Vanessa Riser. I'm a licensed social worker and mental health specialist from the Tell a Therapist psychotherapy group. I'm guest hosting this episode of Broken Cycle Media's new series of informational episodes, Data Points. These special episodes will include educational information and support regarding different topics that are important to our community.

Starting point is 00:00:38 Thank you so much for listening. Narcissistic abuse can be defined as physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and other types of abuse by perpetrators that exhibit narcissistic or antisocial characteristics. However, it's also important to note that many perpetrators of narcissistic abuse do not possess a defined diagnosis of any type. Perpetrators of narcissistic abuse often exhibit extreme self-importance, are generally attention-seeking, and either lack the ability or the care to understand others' perspectives or emotions. However, under their facade of extreme self-confidence, often resides an insecure self-image that is easily disrupted by external input.

Starting point is 00:01:29 Perpetrators of narcissistic abuse generally cycle between degrading and devaluing their victims and bombarding them with gestures of adoration. These cycles present themselves amidst love bombing. The term love bombing actually comes from the 1970s and the members of the Unification Church of the United States. The church used the term to describe a manipulative strategy of excessive flattery, admiration, and friendly conversation to recruit members. Other cult leaders like Jim Jones and David Koresh also used similar tactics. In this love bombing stage, perpetrators of narcissistic abuse often express extreme interest in their victim. They also may appear to have a lot in common with you, to share your views, values, ideas, and so on. The reality is they are not like you. Their lack of empathy and

Starting point is 00:02:25 ulterior motives sets them apart. And in this information gathering stage, they are actually amassing knowledge to weaponize in the devaluing stage. In the devaluing stage, the abuser begins to criticize, berate, threaten, and or invade the privacy of their victim. Abusers will then love bomb their victims again after the devaluing stage, creating a horrific, destabilizing cycle of abuse. In the devaluing stages, a common weaponized behavior in narcissistic abuse is gaslighting. Gaslighting is any time someone causes you to become confused with the intention

Starting point is 00:03:07 of causing that confusion. It can be through the use of word salad, someone talking with you for extended periods of time but saying nothing, or it can be in denials, projections, or deflections. The goal of gaslighting is to shift a victim's narrative or perspective further from the truth. Narcissists use many other mechanisms of abuse to confuse their victims and alter their realities. Other methods of manipulation may include future faking, impulsivity, intimidation, lying, passive aggression, projection, punishment, superficiality, physical abuse, and a lack of empathy. Isolation is also a recurrent theme in narcissistic abuse.

Starting point is 00:03:55 Removing a victim safety net of loved ones allows for abuse to persist and worsen. Outsiders will be encouraged to be viewed as dangerous or as potential enemies. They will work to isolate you from not only others but ultimately yourself. When you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you begin to fall in line and feel your true self slipping away. We are starting to see and hear the voices of so many victims saying that they feel they have sustained trauma and physical, emotional, and mental injury from this insidious form of domestic violence. Unfortunately, because of a lack of research, victim reporting, and or perpetrator diagnosis, it's impossible to know how many people have been victims of narcissistic abuse. The implications are that the number of people affected by narcissistic abuse is vast. However, what is confirmed is that narcissistic abuse does not only happen in romantic

Starting point is 00:04:56 relationships. One can become a victim in interpersonal relationships of any kind. Platonic, familial, professional, etc. Relatedly, some of the things I'm about to say may feel strange to those that have experienced violence or abuse at the hands of a narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath. Because I am going to fuse a concept for you that you may not have ever thought was applicable to your life. I certainly did not either. and now that I see it, I cannot unsee it. I often talk about narcissistic relationships as being a cult of one. There are a few reasons for this. One reason is because every cult is led by a narcissist, a sociopath,

Starting point is 00:05:39 a psychopath, or people possessing a variation of related pathological disorders. In many cases, there are also overlaps between the disorders. According to Robert J. Lifton, there are three primary defining characteristics to a cult leader, and they are exactly the characteristics we see in a narcissist. Cult leaders are defined by 1. A charismatic leader who increasingly becomes an object of worship. Narcissists and cult leaders are both addicted to attention and are controlling. 2. Thought reform or coerce of control. Cult leaders also inject shame and exploit collected collateral to further manipulate and control their victims. 3. They also exploit their members.

Starting point is 00:06:26 As in a relationship with a narcissist, over time, victims can lose touch with their own healthy habits and innate values. Narcissistically abusive relationships are similar to cultic abuse because both types of abuse utilize the same mechanisms. Both the narcissist and the cult leader lure or love bomb in the beginning stage. They also gaslight, isolate, and devalue their victims in consequent stages.

Starting point is 00:06:54 Both in a cultic environment and in a relationship with a narcissist, lies are repeated so often that they seem true. They might also pepper in truths to further confuse those they engage with. People are often unable to discern fact from fiction when they leave cults or these relationships because they were gaslit and brainwashed into believing things that disconnected them from reality. Victims often do not even trust themselves. Cult leaders will also use repetition and music, or peddle the idea of random coincidences, to further confuse and cement their victims' dedication to the cult or relationship. This includes saying things like, we were meant to meet, or this is fate, similar to a narcissistic relationship.

Starting point is 00:07:43 Cult leaders and narcissists also both prove themselves to be domestic abusers through such shared practices as controlling their environments at all times, creating a sense of powerlessness in their victims, creating a system of rewards and punishments to diminish a person's former identity, manipulating the victim's social environment to solidify the narcissist's ideology, and creating a closed system of logic and an authoritarian structure

Starting point is 00:08:12 that doesn't permit feedback. And just like you can be in a narcissistic relationship in any arena, it is possible to be in a cult of one like in an interpersonal relationship with a narcissist. You can be in a cult of few, as in the family system, a team or small group of people, or you can be in a cult of many as we see in many political scenarios where millions of people can be coercively controlled. It is extremely important to understand that narcissists and cult leaders are not easy to spot. They can appear in any realm of your life, and their lack of empathy makes them extremely dangerous.

Starting point is 00:08:54 Although there are textbook mechanisms of abuse to watch out for, anyone can become a victim of narcissistic abuse. To save yourself, the most ideal response is to go no contact and find a narcissist savvy clinician in your respective state that understands the abuse you've faced so that you can develop strong coping mechanisms. It can take a good deal of time to undo the damage that narcissistic abuse creates in your life and the people's lives around you. But when it becomes apparent that the tactics of the narcissist and the cult leader are

Starting point is 00:09:30 the same and we understand that these tactics can be used as a means of domestic violence in all aspects of life, we can move toward protecting ourselves as a society and healing. It is in this understanding that we can become free. However, it is important to understand that victims are often most vulnerable when they finally get away from the cult leader or narcissist. It takes a person an average of seven times

Starting point is 00:09:59 to successfully leave an abusive relationship. To the narcissist, abandonment is the ultimate act of betrayal, so they may intimidate, threaten, and weaponize the judicial system to further abuse you. Putting an end to narcissistic abuse will require an all-hands-on-deck approach. Preventative educational programs, more comprehensive mental health resources, as well as legal and criminal support for victims is a start. Improving assessment is another method of prevention. If we do not try to find a way to assess for narcissistic personality disorder in a meaningful way and start to talk about empathy as a society, it could pose serious problems for mankind.

Starting point is 00:10:46 We need empathy to exist. To any survivors that may be listening, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can absolutely meet your full potential after leaving a cult of one or a cult of many. If you or someone you know believe you are a victim of narcissistic abuse and are in immediate danger, please consider calling 911. If there is no immediate danger, other resources include the National Domestic Violence Hotline at thehotline.org. You can also visit somethingwaswrong.com forward slash resources for a comprehensive list of related nonprofit organizations. Many of the amazing groups listed on the website are only able to exist because of the community's

Starting point is 00:11:35 help and support from people like you. I also suggest you communicate with other people that have been victims and lock arms so that we can begin to shine a light on this. There are various support groups and online communities available. I'm Vanessa Riser and you can find me at tellatherapist.net or at VanessaRiserLCSW on Instagram. You can hear more about my own journey and work on what came next episode number 77 entitled The Treachery of No Empathy. You can also purchase my book Narcissistic Abuse, A Therapist's Guide to Identifying Escaping and Healing from Toxic and Manipulative People at HachetteBookGroup.com or

Starting point is 00:12:24 wherever books are sold. Thank you so much for listening and learning with us. If you like Something Was Wrong, you can listen early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.

Something Was Wrong - Data Points: Narcissistic Abuse (featuring Vanessa Reiser, LCSW)

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