Something Was Wrong - S10 E4: [Emma] Monster Inside

Episode Date: October 28, 2021

This week survivor Emma shares her story.Emma met her future husband Drew through her oldest brother and after a series of toxic relationships, and finally thought she had found a safe place in Drew. He showered her with love and affections and all of her friends loved him but little did Emma know that this relationship was going to be the most traumatic of them all.**Resources:For free mental health resources, please visit SomethingWasWrong.com/Resources Sources:2015 CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 2015Centers for Disease Control and Prevention National Center for Injury Prevention and Control Division of Violence Prevention 4770 Buford Highway NE, MS-F64 Atlanta, Georgia 30341-3742 www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention Drug-facilitated sexual assaults (DFSA): a serious underestimated issueBusardò FP, Varì MR, di Trana A, Malaca S, Carlier J, di Luca NM. Drug-facilitated sexual assaults (DFSA): a serious underestimated issue. Eur Rev Med Pharmacol Sci. 2019 Dec;23(24):10577-10587. doi: 10.26355/eurrev_201912_19753. PMID: 31858579.**Something Was Wrong’s theme song was originally composed by Glad Rags and is covered this season by Basic Comfort.Website: Basiccomfort.bandIG: Basic_ComfortTwitter: Basic_Comfort FB: Basiccomfortband See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, prime members, you can listen to something was wrong early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. I'm Candace DeLong and on my new podcast Killer Psychy Daily, I share a quick 10 minute rundown every weekday on the motivations and behaviors of the cold-butter killers you read about in the news. Listen to the Amazon Music Exclusive Podcast Killer Psychy Daily in the Amazon Music exclusive podcast killer psyche daily in the Amazon music app. Download the app today. Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences. Episodes can discuss topics that can be triggering such as emotional, physical, and sexual

violence, suicide, and murder. I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you're in need of support, please visit something was wrong.com slash resources for a list of nonprofit organizations that can help. Some names have been changed for anonymity purposes. Opinions expressed by the guests on the show are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of myself or audio chuck. Resources and source material are linked in the episode notes. Thank you so much for listening. are linked in the episode notes. Thank you so much for listening. According to the latest 2015 CDC National Intimate Partner

and Sexual Violence Survey, 43.6% of women, nearly 52.2 million in the US, have experienced some form of sexual violence in their lifetime. Drug-facilitated sexual assault, or DFSA, is defined by experts as a non-consensual sexual act in which the victim is incapacitated or unconscious due to the effects of alcohol, a drug, and or other intoxicating substances. Dozens of drugs, including ethanol, can potentially be used to commit sexual assaults, but GHB and

Rohipnaal are the most common drugs used. Victims are sometimes reluctant to report incidents because of embarrassment, guilt, or perceived responsibility, or because they do not clearly remember the assault. I'm Tiffany Reese, and this is... something was wrong. At all, you think you know me, you don't know me well. At all, you think you know me, you don't know me well. You don't know. Hi, my name is Emma. I am a 35-year-old woman located in Baltimore, Maryland. So in 2002, I met Drew in high school. I was 14 years old and he was 19. He was one of my brother's best friends. He was in this really big, regional, kind of new rock metal band.

And he was just everyone's crush in high school. He was a cool guy, he was handsome, he was artsy. He was basically Paul Rad and Clueless. I think that way, this really handsome guy. Though they were just friends at first, Emma and Drew kept in touch throughout their high school and college years through social media. I'd always had a crush on him,

we kept in contact through my space and Facebook, and always kind of flirted every now and then. That fall, Emma was back in her hometown visiting from college. She saw Drew was on my space and messaged him to see if he'd like to meet up for a drink while she was home on break. This was technically, I guess, our first date, the first time I had seen him since high school. I had just gotten out of a pretty bad relationship. It was very verbally abusive and at times physically abusive. So kind of running to someone familiar was really comforting to me at that time,

being that he was my brother's best friend and someone who I grew up with and knew a lot about their past. So we had a bunch of drinks that night, so we went back to his place. We had started to mess around and he started to push things forward and I had said no. And he kept pressing and kept pressing. And something about me that is pretty critical to my mental history is that I have PTSD and I have something called a freeze response. So if I'm really nervous or I'm really anxious, I just freeze and I can't move. So that happened and that was the first time

that we had sex. I didn't really think anything of it because he was so doding and nice after. I wasn't used to that kind of treatment, took me out to dinner, held me, did all the sweet things and I was also still kind of had that teenage crush lingering throughout the years. Within a month, Emma and Drew made their relationship official.

At first, they dated long distance, and we're living about an hour apart. It was tough. It was challenging because in your early 20s, you're drinking a lot, trust is up in the air. So we had a lot of arguments at first, but we stayed together. Despite these arguments, Emma felt lucky to receive so much support and attention from Drew that she hadn't received in her past relationships. He set all the right things. All my friends loved him. He was very sweet, doating the type of like

chivalry that you would expect and like I get some modern gentleman. So we stayed together and it was at that time a pretty decent relationship and I was happy. In February of 2010, we decided to move together so he moved into my city. At first, he struggled to find a job. He has an occupation of a bartender or sometimes server, depending on where he was working at the time. I had just started an internship with my company,

and I was making very little money to get by. But this is really where we start in my relationship, financially covering everything Drew and I had done together. I was the main provider of the relationship. So when Drew and I had done together. I was the main provider of the relationship. So when Drew and I had moved in together and I was financially supporting him, I had a number of friends come to me

and family members come to me with concern of how much I was providing for Drew. My best friend was really concerned when she found out he had no car. So I was his main source of transportation or he would use my car And I suppose she had saw that as a red flag my mother had also said the same thing like oh you are making such a little money And barely doing anything for yourself and you are living in this nice apartment downtown and

You're supporting this man and so that was really the first time I had anyone come to me with an issue on Drew and of course I blew it off. I blew it off. I was happy to support him. I loved him. Emma was thrilled when Drew finally got a job but she was a bit concerned about where he would be working. Drew was working at a bloke go bar. And of course, as someone who was drinking a lot, you can imagine, as he is in this position, he continued to drink even more as a bartender. So it was just something that he was doing near every day in our relationship. In those moments, I could catch him on his phone a lot,

texting back and forth with people and one day, you know, being the suspicious girlfriend. Took his phone and I found these direct messages to a younger woman he worked with. She was about 17. She had posted a picture of herself online and he had directly messaged her with sexual comments and she hadn't replied. And I was baffled. I froze, which is what I do. Shocked by what she had discovered, Emma tried to calm herself down, gather her thoughts, and think about how she wanted to approach Drew. He was disgusting in these comments. He's never, he had never said anything to me like really, really vulgar. It was always very sweet, genuine, doating, and he was vulgar with this girl,

is talking about what he would do to her, and I was really shocked by not only the content, but also the fact that he did that, and it's clear she wasn't interested because she hadn't replied. And so when I had finally gotten the nerve to address them about it, he had said, oh, that's just the way that people in the industry talk. You're in a different industry. You don't understand what it's like to be in a service industry. It's been so many years since you've been out of it, which wasn't true. It was about five years or six years since I had been out of the service industry. But that's what he had said. I was super upset naturally and kicked him out. But that's what he had said. I was super upset naturally and ticked him out.

Two nights after Emma broke up with him, Drew showed up with flowers and tears in his eyes. He begged Emma to get back together with him, saying he would do anything to win her back. I was the best person he ever met, like all these things I hadn't really heard before. And I took him back. I took him back.

So relationship was okay for a while. We had our ups and downs for a couple of years. We did have some various scary arguments in between through drinking. So that had really become after about a year or two from that incident. Really drinking just became the thing that we did together. And it was, I guess, away from me, I never really got over those comments and I just wanted to feel numb. Even though things weren't perfect, Emma and Drew continued their relationship, and eventually the couple became engaged. We took a trip to the beach and he proposed we were engaged. He was at one of his shows, and I was supporting him there. It was

everything I had thought I wanted. I remember I used to pester him all the time. Like when are we going to get married? I thought marriage was something that you do with, you know, your late 20s, mid to late 20s, you get married. You have kids. It's just this thing I thought they need to do and I really wanted that. I thought it would fix us. I thought they need to do. And I really wanted that. I thought it would fix us. I thought it would make us happy. I thought it would be this commitment that would keep us together forever.

And that I wouldn't have to be alone in this. I would marry this seemingly wonderful man. So in May of 2014, we were married. Our wedding was beautiful. It was a beautiful day. Though Emma was excited to be getting married, a few moments of the day gave her a sinking feeling. I remember walking down and looking at my mother and I remember seeing my mother's face and my siblings' weddings, right? I remember seeing her and my sister's wedding. And she

was just so happy and smiling the entire time. And I remember looking at my mother, and she wasn't smiling. And I had no idea why she just didn't seem happy. I think of that now. If you see a mother of the bride, who's really a proof of a partner, they're being being. So it was something that I think back on, maybe red flag or something I should have asked,

why are you smiling or what's going on? He at the wedding had gotten so drunk that he passed out after our reception. So I was pretty much alone for majority of the evening for our wedding night, but I was still happy. I guess in the facade, I thought, oh, well, you know, this is a good guy. Again, no one's gonna love you like this.

And that's something I kept saying to myself, just no one's gonna love you like this. He made it seem that way and everything that he did, that he was the best that was gonna get. He's gonna love me endlessly. Shortly after the couple married, they moved to a new city for a job opportunity for Emma. She continued to financially support Drew, who occasionally worked when he got bartending gigs.

Probably within a year after our marriage, it became very tumultuous. So his drinking had increased so much that he had totaled my car, and he had attempted to run away from the car. We got in a lot of trouble for that and I was just livid because this car was my first big purchases and adults. Your real first adult purchase, I was so proud of myself, I had saved and built myself up and he had just crashed it like it was nothing. And it really took a turn on our relationship

and just started to feel numb. I just started to become very, very depressed. Now as I think back, I kinda call it my sweet phase where I just was so numb to everything in that relationship in my life. At the time, I just started to notice like how much he was taking out of me, not only financially, but he had dependent on me so much.

So a couple years later, we bought our first home. I was still not all the time. And how we even got the home is he contacted the realtor to let him know that we wanted to put an offer without consulting me. And of course, like he had no money in his bank account to cover the house and had not consulted me.

Emma recalls how powerless she felt after the couple moved into their new home. I was at such a point in my life where I just let anything happen. I couldn't retaliate. I had no voice and just something in me broke. And I had many days where I couldn't get out of the bed. I had my grains all the time, which now that I know I contribute to anxiety and depression. And of course, like no sex drive. So my ex drew it constantly used that against me

to say things like, oh, well, if you don't want to have sex, maybe someone else will want to have sex with me and that always was a point of contention for us or he would use my mental health against me and said, if I didn't fix myself or make myself better, he would leave the marriage. And I was terrified because that I would be alone with anxiety and depression,

with the undiagnosed anxiety and depression at that time, not knowing it was going on with me, and it was really scary. And that's really the point of really the year when our marriage just started to have a dark side. Hi, I'm Lindsey Graham, the host of Wondery's podcast American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history, presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our newest series,

we look at the Kids for Cash Scandal, a story about corruption inside America's system of juvenile justice. In Northeastern Pennsylvania, residents had begun noticing an alarming trend. Children were being sent away to jail in high numbers, and often for committing only minor offences. The FBI began looking at two local judges, and when the full picture emerged, it made national headlines. The judges were earning a fortune, carrying out a brazen criminal scheme, one that would shatter the lives of countless children, and force a heated debate about punishment, an America's criminal justice system. Follow American scandal wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wonder App. That spring, a regular who visited Drew's bar approached him about purchasing a nearby local

bar that was put up for sale. Drew had always wanted to open a bar slash music venue, and the space was perfect. It was this beautiful, gorgeous, like dark mid-century lights and the sound sounded so good. It was just like a magical place to be in. I had felt because Drew had finally gotten to fulfill the dream that he's always wanted, that this was going to be a huge for our relationship. We're going to be happy now. He's going to have a purpose. He's going to stop drinking as much. We're going to be better. And I gonna have a purpose. He's gonna stop drinking as much. We're gonna be better.

And I was really happy to support him at that time. I had gotten investors, invest in the bar. There were times that I purchased things for the bar and purchased things. Obviously everything at home was covered by me, but I was happy to do it. He finally got his dream and I was happy for him. And super excited to be a part of it. I mean, he doesn't wanna be part of a cool music venue bar. It was really fun at first, just to be a part of something that big.

It was a big thing for the community as well. Drew and his business partners Barr quickly became a local hotspot and grew in popularity. As the venue continued to do well, they were able to host bigger music acts, which was awesome, until the neighbors of the bar began to make formal noise complaints. They didn't have a ton of investment on the property to do proper soundproofing. The neighbor was pretty much right next to where we would call and complain.

And so they were really cautious about what bands they would book and have become overly cautious about just bands in general who would come in. So maybe just a little over a year after the bar had opened, they had booked a band that was, I guess, noisy, a fun, loud band that was very popular locally. And Drew's business partner, being cautious of the noise complaint had basically pulled the plug on this band and initially was pretty cool about it. Like, hey, I'm sorry, we're just getting these noise complaints.

The noise complaint issues continued when Drew's business partner went on social media and made a post saying that he would no longer allow punk or hip-hop acts to perform at the venue. The post quickly became a flurry of conflict, as some commenters felt his post was racist, pretentious, and disrespectful to the popular local band that hadn't been allowed to finish their set. So it took a big hit and my ex was just broken about it. It had resulted in some of his staff leaving and his staff being angry with the way that they were treated. They had to let go staff because business was not as lucrative as they had hoped. And so letting go staff and staff then is taking to social media and angry ways and it just led to this fury of hate for the venue and for the bar. I had done my best to lift drew up. He was pretty unresponsive at that time and not really taking any action into

addressing things with his business partner, or anything with his staff. So I felt a really strong connection with this staff. I always felt like a strong kinship with them. And so I would call them and check in on them, see how they were doing, see how I could help, and try to rectify the situation anyway I could. Because obviously this doesn't just hurt the business, it hurts the staff involved and they're innocent.

As this process was going on, I see the way my ex is handling it. And I'm also seeing just him just completely being on responsive. And basically taking his business partner side in that, oh, it's fine. Like, he's right, this isn't the type of music that I wanted in my venue. And I just started to lose or started to, I guess, wake up from that slumber that I had in that numbness. And I had started to have a lot of self-reflection in those past few months, really just trying to figure out, like, what am I doing? Like, why am I the one calling his staff? Why am I the one trying to, I'm taking its battles on social media and I'm getting direct

message from these internet trolls? And I'm like, what am I doing? He's not out here protecting his dream, his business. I am out here. I'm battling and I just woke up and I just said, I do this for everything that he does. I support him financially. I support him when he's upset. I feed him everything. Like, So I just realized that I was basically married to someone who was just sucking the life out of me. During this time of reflection Emma starts to realize that her relationship was taking a serious toll on her mental health and happiness. I just woke up I started to realize how much she had manipulated me with money and

a flurry of memory throughout a relationship kind of hit in those past few months. The drinking, the manipulation seemed like him not coming home from the bar and telling me, oh, I just drank too much so I just stayed at the bar and when he I just drank too much so I just stayed at the bar and when he totalled my car when we had these really really crazy drunk arguments and him throwing the leave and him telling me that there's something wrong with me because I don't want to have sex with him

because I was depressed because I was sad. He started to try to embarrass me at staff parties. He would get so drunk and tell his bosses that I wouldn't have sex with him. And it was really embarrassing. So he had taken every opportunity to embarrass me in public when it used to be this grandiose love thing. And then he started to feel me slip. He's getting angry. And it was awful. And I realized that I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I needed to find myself. I needed to get myself back. So in July of 2019, we decided to separate or I had confronted him and telling him that I wanted to separate. I felt that our marriage was one sided and he was very upset by the whole situation. Of course, and had mentioned that he didn't want to get a divorce. And so we tried for a few months. I thought,

you know, I've given this guy nearly a decade of my life. Surely we can repair this. But it just wasn't. It was too far gone. The things throughout a relationship that I had blocked out from my memory, the times that when I really needed help and I was in a dark depression and where he would just tell me to suck it up where there are times in our relationship and every time I had said no to sex and still had sex anyway. After trying to work on their relationship for a few months, Emma had enough, and asked Drew to move out. I just woke up and realized I can't do this anymore, this cannot be repaired. So Drew had moved out and he moved into an apartment in his bar.

So that was where he lived. We had remained friendly, I guess, throughout that time. And any time I had brought up the concept of divorce, he had basically changed the subject, wasn't into it. He had mentioned that he felt like he could win me back, that this could be fixed, and he would brush it off. And to be honest, I was afraid of serving him the papers at that point in time, just because there was still that little part of me and saying, you can't get better.

He's the only one who's going to love you like this. There is nothing better out there. And it's almost like he put that in my brain and I couldn't get it out. Anytime we talked about the relationship, he would just say, oh, well, I'm so glad you're doing okay. All I do is cry. All I do is stay in here and I have no friends and just made me feel so guilty all the time about the decision of the separation and me wanting to end the relationship and it's my fault and

that he constantly told me it was a poor decision. Emma had felt sorry for Drew and guilty for leaving him, but that changed a few months later when she learned some shocking information about Drew. I had remained friends with various employees who had worked at the bar and one was a former employee and I never knew why she left or why she quit. It wasn't something we had talked about really. I was just seeing her for just a social occasion, wanted to hang out with her. We really got along well.

And so at her house, we started talking about the bar, started talking about the incident, and then she had told me, well, the last straw of the bars when Drew sexually harassed one of his employees who was a 21-year-old girl, brand-new to bar, tending. And I shook my head and was like, what? So she had went on to tell me that there were many incidents where he would force himself on this young girl and that he would then sexually explicit messages to her and texts. And she had also mentioned that in this time, like, he was using his knowledge of bartending

and his status as the bar owner to kind of control the situation and control her. She was much younger and she needed this job for income. This was her first bartending job. She wanted to learn the art of bartending and he was one of the best to teach. He was very good at what he did. He had one ton of different cocktail competitions. He was very good at what he did. He had one ton of different cocktail competitions. He was really, really good and she wanted to learn.

And he knew that. And so he used that position to sexually harass and I found out later, assault her. So I was livid. I was shocked to hear that because I, on the other hand, I would get calls from him. This moby-sad guy, all he could do was think about me. Oh, here's the song I wrote about you. Yeah, I was looking at our wedding photos today.

He had a couple dogs and you split dogs in the separation and just used that. So here I was hearing this Moby Sad Guy and then hearing this story of this predator and thinking about like, oh my gosh, this can't be real. I was just so livid, I was so mad. When I was meeting with his former employee, she had let me know that prior to Drew and I's separation, he was praying himself on his younger employee. I always kinda had those hunches and little memories kind of

like came up to me when I would see him like hugging girls that I didn't know or stalking them in dark corners at bars in certain situations where I just kind of brushed off in it that moment I just kind of realized you know what I bet he was unfaithful but I would not have anticipated of him being a predator or being that aggressive towards a person. Never would have I predicted that he would use his stature as a bar owner and let alone his employees to use that status to pray against them. So it was heartbreaking. Did you confront him right away? Like you said you were angry. I which is completely understandable No, so I didn't confront him about it because I knew that he was trying to avoid the divorce papers

And I had called my lawyer about it Should I confront him with this issue and the lawyer knowing that I wanted to file and wanted to get this thing done It's just possible and he had cautioned know at that time because there was no proof. I had no proof. Maybe I could have gotten proof, but I didn't know. I don't think I could take it. So at that time, I had not addressed him with anything, but I did try to keep Michael

with him. So I had attempted to file divorce with him. And that was basically our only conversation was very transactional. He had declined, he would not sign anything and he would make mention a lot of when I would buy something new or something for the house, like a footstool or whatever. He'd be like, well, when I come into money soon and kind of made all these like mentions of how he's going to come into money soon and kind of made all these, like mentions of how he's going to come into money, and, truthfully, I was scared that he was going to ask for

spousal support. I was scared that he was going to come after me, and I was going to have to support him forever. Because I had no proof at that time. I had no proof in knowing now what I know he would have just denied it. As you're processing that on your own, how are you coming to terms with this information so far? So at first, like I just froze,

I didn't know how to respond to it or how to digest it to know that he was praying on this poor young girl. I was a mess, so I would talk to my friends. I didn't tell my family at that time. I'd talk to my best friends and let them know what happened and they're like, we gotta get you divorced. And they're like, but you gotta protect yourself. So in December 31st, so having several months at that point of having that secret on my belt,

yet I had heard no other instances from this person and part of me still hoping that it wasn't true, but I was still trying to get the divorce on that day. I was scrolling through my phone and I see a story with my ex's face on it, with Drew's face on it. Basically, it was just his face and saying that to be aware of this sexual predator is something like that. I'm trying to remember the exact words. And I am confused and I look towards the next story and I see a former employee, a different former employee, and shared a story from a young girl detailing the sexual assault of my ex-husband. So as I was scrolling through Instagram, I saw a story from a former employee of my exes

and it took me. This story had my exes face on it and it had called him a sexual predator and Clicking into the next series of stories. I see this story from a young girl who had hung out at a bar with my Ex-husband that she was just talking to him about Music and how much she loved his bar and was interested in learning how to record and he invited her to his bar.

And she had went on to discuss how she had been drinking a lot. They had been drinking a lot this bar and she wanted to leave. So she walked out and my ex followed her and he had kind of pushed her against something and started kissing her and she pushed him back and he went after her again and I guess she bit his lip and ran away because he was being really forceful. The young woman said that she and Drew struggled a bit more, but thankfully she was able to get away from him and run to her car. And then minutes later, he had messaged her on Instagram and she had a screenshot in the story saying that,

next time I'm going to have to hold you down. And so, indicating that he would rape her. Emma was in complete shock. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. And then, probably an hour later, I see more and more stories. Just flooding my newsfeed where these women who had talked about how my ex had used his bar as basically his predator playground, who would use his status of this bar owner, this place there, I supported him, this place where I praised him for how well he was doing his job,

and he used this place to manipulate women. And to get women drunk, they were so young, it's just something that I could never get out of my mind, like these young, impressionable women. questionable women, her broken Emma couldn't help but think about how she too had been sexually assaulted in her 20s and the lifelong impact it has on her. When I was the younger 20-something year old woman, remembering all the salts that I had gone through and just thinking about what it did to me and I was just broken for these girls and it broke me at all the skilts, all the anger. And I just didn't know what to do. I was in the car, a friend of mine was driving

and I dropped my phone and just started shaking and couldn't breathe. And my phone's just going off, going off like these new notifications and people calling me, people texting me. I continued for days where I was getting texts, calls, it was just everywhere. The stories blew up. They were on every social media group, true crime group, like that was local. It just blew up. It was everywhere. So everyone knew without even having to talk to me,

like well before I could even tell my parents they knew from Facebook. My siblings knew from Facebook. They knew every little detail that my ex had done to these people that it was just like a knife was just cutting me every time I would read a story or I still at times don't know how to react to that. It just caught me. It just broke me. I'm sorry, I can't imagine how traumatic that must have been to be processing that. All at once it sounds like a literal nightmare. Yeah, it was a nightmare. What is your family saying? Like are they surprised? Are they angry? So a lot of people were surprised. My friends first and foremost were probably the most surprised because they're like wow he's so sweet and natured and seemed to love you so much like even when you were separated he would like treating you like you were gold and

never did they think that he could be violent. I remember my friend when she found out and she was reading through the stories and she was like, I never would have predicted this. I never would have predicted that he would be so manipulative and to assault women this way and to be so aggressive. Desperate for more information, Emma began doing her own investigation into Drew's background. I had contacted previous bars where I had worked at different cities and contacted young girls. The ones that I was close with, and I just wanted to say, hey, I just wanted to talk to you, see if you're okay and I wanted to know, like, if my ex ever did anything to you, then I'm so sorry and I'm here, and I wish I could have protected you. And those

who I did reach out to, they had not been impacted. But there were a few who were like, well, I wasn't surprised. I always thought he was a creep. So my brother-in-law came to me. And when he found out, he said, there was always something false about him. He just seemed false. And he's like, everyone I met in your family and everyone's spouses, they're genuine and real, but Drew is false. And that really stuck with me. And that's something I hadn't really heard before and just thinking through that, like, yes, he was false. I was tricked into thinking he was a sweet person, but there was this monster inside. Did you contact any of these women that were posting on Instagram? I really wanted to like being a survivor myself when I had worked at a bar and when I was 19 years old and I was raped by my boss and I know everyone

heals differently and I didn't want to trigger anything. So I was I wanted to so badly but I had been advised by everyone like don't reach out you might make it and I didn't want to trigger anything. So I was, I wanted to, so badly, but I had been advised by everyone, like, don't reach out, you might make it worse. And that was the last thing I wanted to do, is trigger anyone, or I didn't want to mess with anyone's treatment plan if they were proceeding with that. And I hope they are, or whatever works for them.

So I was just, I wanted to. I had, like, my finger on the direct message so many times, and I had friends just kind of walk me off the, you know, ledge there, like don't do it, don't message them. Were you seeing at this point the bar's response on social media? Have they posted a response? So the bar had just because as a result that he was the

co-owner of the bar, it took to the bars social media sites and they basically kind of responded and kind of brushed it off and said these are allegations. I think they had a couple of posts like couple posts in delete situations, tried to go back into that time and that it had somewhat of a sympathy or you know kind of half-assed sympathy. For the victims and saying that oh yeah he's going to seek therapy, our heart goes out to anyone, then I think they had eventually posted and said that he was no longer with the bar employed. But it kind of went through a series of posts. I think about a couple of posts in the leads and of course people just kind of going

after them on social media, but that time I couldn't read what they had posted. Any mention of him I was like having a panic attack or a mention of the bar as having a panic attack so I didn't go to Facebook or Instagram maternity, social media much, But I do recall them making excuses. Going back to when I was meeting with one of his former employees, I could tell in her eyes that they're really bracing herself like, oh wow, she doesn't know when you have this stuff.

I mean, this is what happens when you're, I guess, just all wrapped up into somebody. I never would have assumed that kind of violence to someone like a complete stranger and a younger woman. I never would have anticipated that. And no, I had no idea. So after you learn all of this, can you talk about how you got through the following weeks afterwards?

What did you do to take care of yourself? Because I assume when you discover something that is so shocking in life, altering, it takes a pretty big toll on you. Yeah, it definitely does. It went through a pretty dark spot. Like, there were times when I was drinking a lot, like, drinking as much as I possibly could. I had some really, really dark thoughts that I was scared to tell friends and family.

You know, I felt so much guilt at that time. I just felt so much guilt and just seeing these girls' faces just kind of raised through my mind, wanting to protect them. And I just remember when he opened the bar and he started hiring people and I said, please protect your female employees. It's very important that they feel safe. I remember saying that to him a lot because he knew what I went through with my former boss and how horrible that was for me. It really changed me. And he's like, oh, I always am. I always make sure when someone closes with them, he made it seem like he was so protective over them. Almost like big brother type, you know, sweet, big brother, caring for these young women who worked for him and finding out a simply reverse

of any woman going into that bar. So I remember he called me probably a couple days after the flurry of the internet, you know, that the whole, like, internet just blew up in my world. He had called me and asked, oh, hey, have you heard this thing about me? And I said, yes. And he said, oh, this girl, what she's saying, she's lying. We were dating. And I said, well, what about the others? And he said, it, what about the others?

And he said, it isn't true. I don't do this. It's flat out wide and said he didn't do any of these things when there were screenshots galore. And said, that's not who he is. I am not this predator. They make me out to be. I do not assault.

I do not rape women. And I said, well, apparently you do. And I need you to sign these divorce papers now. And this anger took, like everything that I was afraid of, present in the divorce papers, like, no, you need to get this done. I need to get out of my life. I need to get out of my life, because I am even just thinking about him, even seeing his face, saying his name,

is giving me just nothing but anger. And panic attack, I had to get away from him. He did agree to divorce, and I had decided I really needed to uproot my life. There was so much of him tied into the city, and there was so much of us tied into the city. It was the city where, you know, bought our first home that we got married. This was a city where I lost myself. I lost myself and I also, it's a constant reminder

that I funded my ex's playground, like predator playground. And I just couldn't, I needed to leave. I felt disgusting everywhere I looked because that was our home. I felt dirty. And so I had decided that moment like I'm going to move and I'm gonna sell this house and I'm gonna get divorced from this horrible person. And he was so beaten down at that time, he'd finally agreed to sign the papers

and to get out of my life. And so we were officially divorced. It only took us a couple of And so we were officially divorced. It only took us a couple of months to file and get divorced. I had texted him at the divorce and it's like you are the worst thing that's ever happened to me. I will never forgive you and I hope I never see you again. And it's awful. I really wanted to remember thinking through divorce like early before I found all this stuff out. I really wanted to, and I'm thinking through divorce, like early before I found all this

stuffed out, I wanted it to be amicable. I don't like ending things in a negative way. I couldn't say anything else to him other than your terrible person. And I hope I never see you again. That's what I said to him. How did you feel when you were able to say that and finally get the official approval? It felt good because at least I said it that it was off my chest and I hope that in some part of himself that he recognizes what he did. But there's still kind of rigging back to when he had

originally called me about the assaults that he basically just denied everything and in my mind I'm like he probably just denied it. He just washed it off But I needed to say that I never want to see him again It's definitely hard. I mean that was the decade of my life to this person and A decade of my life was asked to this person. I didn't even know this monster who had this such evil side in him that could be capable of doing this innocent people. So it felt good to say that and I felt lifted. So I had to leave and it's the best thing

that I think I could have done for myself. I sold my house, I got divorced and I moved to a brand new city. All within like two months, it was nuts. And people were like, whoa, why don't you calm down? I'm like, no, I need to get out. I had the surge of energy. It came across me, and I was just using that anger

and fury to just get it done. And so I moved in, then I had started doing some more EMDR therapy so I could deal with these issues. I kept taking my regular treatment for my anxiety and depression, but I kept putting off therapy. I was using that anger so I could believe. And I was using that as a driver. So I had to keep that anger in me to keep moving. Or else I would just freeze and sink and never leave. And since then, just going through therapy weekly and it's been amazing and eye opening

and it started to help me out a lot with the guilt that I was facing with these women and trying to go through each individual memory that we had throughout our marriage and our relationship EMDR has been incredibly helpful for anyone in PTSD. It's been very effective for me. It was really a blessing for me to move here and to also start that form of therapy. It's still hard though. Like you guys still see those girls' faces. I still think about them all the time. I still want to talk to them. I don't want to see how they're doing. I want to make sure they're okay. And I also want to congratulate them. Because there's a big thing of like what happened to me in my 20s. I

Was so terrified of exposing this person. I never told anyone. I was just so scared of what would happen. This younger generation, they have the bravery to address this publicly and to expose, and to expose him. And so a part of me just wanted to say, wow, that's amazing. You're really, really brave for doing that. When I was your age, I was too scared. I couldn't do that. I personally think you're all quite brave, all quite strong. A follow-up question I had for you is, do you know if any of his victims filed police reports? So, I had heard that there were some girls getting together to file a report, but I don't know if they've filed through with it.

I hope so. I've really, really tried to keep out of it. For your own sake, yeah, 100%. Yeah, it's kind of important. I had to protect myself still at the same time. Part of me wants to check into it, see if what they did. And maybe one day I will, maybe I can do that, but I'm also still trying to be cautious.

I don't want to mess up anyone's treatment planar trigger something because I have no idea what they're going through and I know what they went through, but I don't know their process of how they prefer to heal. I respect that greatly. The last question I want to ask you is, what do you think you will take forward from this experience? What is the major lesson that you have personally learned from this experience that you will carry with you as you move into other relationships in the future? I think a lot of it is trusting myself, trusting the people around me, being aware, so I definitely think I'll carry that with me. I've promised myself to never lose myself in a person again. It's scary. Let alone like all the terrible things that he did, I lost myself. And so really trusting myself is something that I need to carry forward. And also something that

the light in this situation is that these next generation of women who are coming are vocal and they're strong and they're badass and they're out there and they're going to expose the people out there, the predators out there. And that gives me so much hope and strength in knowing that we're becoming so much stronger. We're tired of brushing things under the rug. We're tired of being quiet and I'm super proud of the women who came forward.

So I love that aspect of it that just how strong they are, the strength they have. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I have found it incredibly inspiring. Like you said, not only hearing your your story but to hear so many women come forward and sort of unite and stand up and be inspired by one another it's just really incredible so thank you again so much for being here. Oh sure no thank you thank you for giving me a chance to talk about this and it's been helpful for me as well. Something was wrong is an audio chuck production created and hosted by Tiffany Reese. Our theme song was originally composed by Glads, covered this season by Basic Comfort. So, what do you think Chuck?

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