Something Was Wrong - S11 E11: [Dara] Very Sorry

Episode Date: March 17, 2022

This week survivor Dara shares her story. *Content warning: Today’s episodes discusses sexual assault, rape, and physical and emotional violence. Change statue of limitations for sexual assault laws in Indiana Change.org petition **Resources:RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization. RAINN created and operates the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE, online.rainn.org y rainn.org/es) in partnership with more than 1,000 local sexual assault service providers across the country and operates the DoD Safe Helpline for the Department of Defense. RAINN also carries out programs to prevent sexual violence, help survivors, and ensure that perpetrators are brought to justice.Sources:U.S. Department of Justice, Office of Justice Programs, Bureau of Justice Statistics. September 2019, NCJ 253043, Criminal Victimization, 2018Rachel E. Morgan, Ph.D., and Barbara A. Oudekerk, Ph.D., BJS Statisticians**Something Was Wrong’s theme song was originally composed by Glad Rags and is covered this season by Kenna and the Kings. Support and listen to Kenna and the Kings on  Spotify, YouTube, and check out their albums! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, prime members, you can listen to something was wrong early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. I'm Candace DeLong and on my new podcast Killer Psychy Daily, I share a quick 10 minute rundown every weekday on the motivations and behaviors of the cold-butter killers you read about in the news. Listen to the Amazon Music Exclusive Podcast Killer Psychy Daily in the Amazon Music exclusive podcast killer psyche daily in the Amazon music app. Download the app today. Something was wrong is intended for mature audiences. Episodes can discuss topics that can be triggering such as emotional, physical, and sexual violence,

suicide, and murder. I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you're in need of support, please visit something was wrong.com slash resources. For a list of nonprofit organizations that can help, some names have been changed for anonymity purposes. Opinions expressed by the guests on the show are their own and do not necessarily represent the views of myself or audio chuck. Resources and source material are linked in the episode notes. Thank you so much for listening. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, an American is sexually assaulted every 68 seconds. One out of every six American women

and one in 33 men, have been victims of sexual assault. Child Protective Services agencies found strong evidence to indicate that 63,000 children a year were victims of sexual abuse from 2009 through 2013. A majority of child victims are ages 12 to 17. A victims under the age of 18, 34% of victims of sexual assault and rape are under the age of 12, and 66% of victims of sexual assault and rape are ages 12 to 17. I'm Tiffany Reese, and this is... something was wrong. Was wrong My name is Dara. I was a competitive swimmer. I was nationally ranked. Swam with the US Open, my mom graduated medical school and she matched with a trauma residency in Indiana and she picked this residency program

due to the collegiate level that we had in Indiana. So we moved here for the training program for my swim team. I ended up getting injured with bilateral tinnitus. My sophomore year of high school, that was pretty catastrophic for me. It definitely was a dream of mine to swim Division 1, college swimming, and hopefully one day as a freshman I was maybe 3.5 seconds away from my lap trials cut. That definitely was a goal of mine. I think being injured and not being able to swim again definitely took away a big idea of mine because that's all I thought that I was and I was looking forward to that. I have trained between, I would say, four and six hours a day

every day, except for Sundays from when I was nine years old until I got injured. And even when I got injured, I was still in the water every day, practicing in hopes that, because I chose not to get surgery, getting surgery would have me out for a year, and then rehabilitation would be another year. because I chose not to get surgery. Getting surgery would have me out for a year and then rehabilitation would be another year.

And so I would be expected to perform at division 1 level at senior high school when I had been out for two years. I was optimistic that I could get it together without surgery. And it didn't happen, but yeah, it's a big change where you're getting up at 4 in the morning and you're heading to the pool and you're doing weights and you're in the pool and then you go to school, you hurry and shower the wet hair and then you get to school and then you do all your classes and then you go to practice right after school and then you get home

I would say after 7 o'clock at night so so you'd leave it for your home at seven. And that was my life for a long time. That time, it's a big change. It was an average student. You could even say it was below average because I kind of rode the wave that, with my swimming career, as long as I got seas, I could go anywhere I wanted. Then when you lose that, and then I'll be said in your average student and then you don't have swimming, then you're like,

well, what do I do now? And so then I would try to do well in school and I just did horribly. I didn't know how to study. I was just coasting through. So it was a big change to try to do that. And then I think when you try and everything came so easily to me in the swimming aspect that I could just apply myself and work my butt off and it was a natural talent. I mean, you work hard at that and you got results. It's different to work really hard in something else and get no results because we all learn differently. So yeah, that was a big adjustment. But I think it was very easy for me to get myself into trouble at that point and probably be in the crowd where everyone goes out and parties and you get in trouble. I started drinking and smoking weed and just doing a lot of things. I was very free-spirited

and so I just was like, we're just going to have fun. That was my motto, I was the fun girl. Well, I imagine emotionally it was a huge adjustment, especially at the age you were, you were a sophomore, correct when you were injured. Yeah, I mean, high school and junior high, it's so hard. That age is so hard, your brain is still developing, your body is developing, the hormones are no joke. It's already so hard just being a teenager

and dealing with this loss, it makes sense to me that you were struggling a bit. I didn't think about the consequences of a lot of things that I was doing. I remember one particular situation where I was very friendly and I always said hi to everyone in the principal. Notice a change in me and so he requested that my parents get me drug tested because I think I didn't say hi to him or something. I pretty much looked at it like,

well I'm getting drug tested tomorrow. Let's go out and party. It wasn't like I went home and was like, oh I'm going to get drug tested. This would be really bad. I was like, no, it doesn't matter. I kind of was that person that just didn't think anything bad could happen and you just go out and have fun. I got to a point where my grades were so bad that we ended up transferring to another school in Indiana to hopefully work on things and improve things going to a different school. I turned 18 so I legally could call myself in and that probably wasn't a great scenario for me already.

I called myself in a lot. I miss a lot of school. I almost ingratuate. That was a struggle. That's another big change. What was it like transferring to a new school? I made friends quickly. I think every time you go to the lunchroom,

you're like, who am I going to stay with? And there were a good group of people. Now we all did the same things that you shouldn't do. I just continued doing what I was doing at the other school I went to to this school. But there were a lot of good kids that I got involved with. I'm friends with them to this day, but there were a lot of good kids that I got involved with and friends with them to this day. We just made a lot of poor choices.

Then fast forward senior year of high school, you were heading on a trip for spring break, correct with the members of your previous high school. Yeah, a senior trip and the class that I was friends with from the other previous school, I had known them since summer before seventh grade. These are people that I had known for a long time and it's our senior year. So there's a senior trip offered and so you pay for that and then there are shop runs there, usually other parents of those classmates. We've got about 1,500 people in our class and I would say at least 100 to 200 people would go on this trip that

was not sponsored by the school but definitely kind of driven organized by people in the class and then parents. My family, so we could go and I brought a friend me and my parents stand the island next to this island and The other island is where the senior trip was We were with our parents. We begged them all week. Can we go over there? Can we go over there? Our friends are there and blah blah. So finally a parent said yes, you can go Check in with us when you get over there and work out the details Well, they had pretty much printed out this hotel on this island for the week of our senior trip. And so we

had a lot of friends that were staying over there. I say so-called friends, but they all had their own rooms and kind of spread out. On the day that we got there, this friend and I, there was a big plan for they called the booze crews. They had everyone get on this big boat. It's kind of like a big house boat. There's two levels from what I can remember. There's a DJ, there's music going, there's a lot of drinking and I was 18. In this island, if you're 18 you're illegally allowed to drink. I was excited about this. There was drinking and some weed.

There was all day on this booze cruise on the boat driving around. We made a way through the day. We drank a lot, we were partying, and then we stopped at this island. I remember I was offered some weed, so I smoked that. And I remember one of the guys video taping that video taping the whole trip. As it started coming to an end we'd been out all day and everybody was talking about what they're going to do when they get back and I was like I can't go back out again when I get back I'm like I need to go to bed.

Hi I'm Lindsay Graham the host of Wondries Podcast American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history, presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our newest series, we look at the Kids for Cash Scandal, a story about corruption inside America's system of juvenile justice. In Northeastern Pennsylvania, residents had begun noticing an alarming trend. Children were being sent away to jail in high numbers, and often for committing only minor offenses. The FBI began looking at two local judges, and when the full picture emerged, it made national headlines.

The judges were earning a fortune, carrying out a brazen criminal scheme, one that would shatter the lives of countless children, and force a heated debate about punishment, an America's criminal justice system. Follow American scandal wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wonder App. Please note, today's episode includes descriptions of sexual and physical violence, rape, non-consensual pornography, and suicidal ideation. Please use caution when listening. Thank you. I asked one of my so-called friends for his room key. They said, if you guys are all gonna go out again,

I don't need to go back out. I need to go to my room. He gave me his room key and I went to his room to get some sleep and I think I just had my swim suit on. I went to his room to sleep and he later had followed me in the room after I'd gone to bed and people followed him in the hotel room. The guy that was videotaping everything was there.

He continued a videotape, what continued to happen to me. There was another guy that was there using different objects on me. Why I was passed out and then the other person raped me. The only thing that I do remember, the flashback that tends to keep coming up throughout my life is looking up, opening my eyes, and I see him over me, but my head was getting smashed against the wall that the headboard fell on me.

All these years that have passed and talking to my husband about it, because he knows that I was going to do this podcast. He made a point that he was like a headboard doesn't just break like that. You have to hold on to it. Someone has to hold on to it. Why are there? I don't want to sound too. But there was a lot going on in that situation. I couldn't put my hands up. I wasn't protecting my head. My head was just smashing against the wall. It was a very physically severe attack.

And it continued to where they let people in the room and they videotaped it and people watch from the windows. And then I think I woke up later and I pulled up my suit. I didn't really understand what had happened. But I remember leaving the room still in the haze, the next day, there's a lot of people in the lobby having breakfast and they just were all laughing at me. And I didn't really understand why. I knew that, yeah, I drank a lot. And then later we went out dancing

and one of the guys that was there told me what happened, why he was dancing with me. It was kind of a crazy, crazy time. There was a lot going on and trying to navigate everything, having that one thing, that one flashback. I knew something happened, but then hearing the other side of things and then hearing other people say, yeah, we watched from the windows.

I'm so sorry. Thank you. It's okay. At this point, it's okay. It's not okay. You know what I mean? I'm so sorry you experienced that. I can't imagine all of the things that you felt.

And this friend that told you was this the boy that was your first love? Mm-hmm. Yes. He was my first love. He was the first person that I was ever intimate with. I think it was eighth grade and a freshman year. We were super close. He was a really good friend of mine. And definitely was that puppy love. He went on a trip in the summer and I didn't see him for 30 days. I thought I was gonna die. Because you deal like you love them so much. He definitely was someone really important in my life.

And I think when you broke up, it was an nasty breakup. I was very fond of him at one point. I thought he was a good kid. I can't speak for him in that situation. And I wish he didn't do that. But I'm at a place where I can forgive them and the rest is up to them. How did he explain it to you?

It was very weird because it's not something that you would come up to someone and tell. At the time we were out partying again and I knew that something was wrong. I told my friend, I said, I'm so sore, I have things that hurt, my head hurt, my vagina hurt, my vagina hurt. It was a hurt that was really different.

I remember telling her about it, but then we kind of moved on. It hadn't set into me, and so I don't know if it was so much of parting, if we can all handle trauma differently. I don't know, I can't really explain all of that, but we were out dancing and they was having a drink and then he came up to me and told me what this person did to me

and then that this other person had recorded it. I said, what did you do? And he told me. He said it was water bottles. And then later I had him on the phone. He was like, if you ever wanna talk about it. I mean, it's so weird. He divulged what had happened and then he was like, I'm here for you. If you want to talk about it

He kind of divulged it again and it was so weird to me. I'm grateful that he told me. I really am Already knew what happened deep down. I have one memory But I think if I would have only had that one memory, I think my imagination already had run wild and it already can run wild. And through the years of counseling, it tries to mag at you. And so knowing some of it, I'm actually grateful that I know some of it, as weird as that sounds. How did you respond when he told you? I think I compartmented. Well, and it's gonna sound weird,

but I continued to party like everyone else did. I did not stop. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. It was like trauma happens and then you separate. I don't even know how to explain that, but I noticed that I did that a lot throughout my life, but it all stems from that one experience. I think I compartmentalized that situation because one, my parents were calling me like, where are you?

We haven't gotten ahold of you. We're worried about you. And my mom's angry and mad at me that I'm not back yet. Like, I'm going to be in so much trouble. And then this traumatic experience happened and then I was treated so poorly by my friends and my peers I had known for so long and trusted. And so my only way to deal with it at that time was to continue having fun and partying.

And that sounds not very rational. I would tell anyone if something happens to you, please go to the police immediately and get the DNA immediately. But I did not do that and I really wish I did. You feel a lot of shame. You feel like, oh, I did all these things wrong. You almost feel embarrassed. Like, is it my fault?

I put myself in this situation. So yeah, I just continued to continue doing what we were all there to do. It was to have fun, hang out, and be with what we all plan to do. And then I had to go home and get in trouble because I stayed out and I didn't call my parents back. And then I had this deep dark secret when I got home and played off like nothing was wrong. I wanted to run my car into a tree. I was very damaging to myself over all of it. Who was the first person that you told? I think I told my friend that was with me and I think she

was like well they're probably. You don't tell anyone. Don't do anything about it. But I think the next person I ended up telling, we were really close friends. My parents were really close friends with a gentleman that I used to swim with. He was an ABCL and he went to the Olympics. So we trained together. He's kind of a mentor. And I babysat for his kids. I ended up telling him in a teacher. He told my parents, because I just couldn't month up the courage to tell him face to face. And so I told my teacher. And then once the Navy SEAL told my parents,

I came home. I just remember coming in the door and my mom was throwing up in the bathroom. When I walked in the door, then my dad came right up to me and he couldn't stop saying, I love you, I love you, I love you, and he was hugging me. I was very vulnerable, and so that was new for me, because I had lost swimming before, but then this really broke my spirit and broke me down at a different level.

We went down to a crisis center that was a hospital that was for rape, sexual assault. We went and did a rape kit that night, but I didn't tell anyone for probably a few months after that. So a rape kit wouldn't have shown anything unless the damage was so severe. It didn't show anything. We didn't get any DNA or anything like that, and that's why I would recommend if this happens to anyone, please get DNA immediately. Do not shower. Go straight there. We went there. We didn't get much from that. Then we did

go straight to the police, I shared what happened to me. A detective got involved and they were very gung ho in the beginning, ready to get going. I had called the boys and we recorded them. They recorded the phone call. The first two from what I remember, the phone call went pretty smoothly. They sounded like they were worried.

I can't remember everything that they said, but it sounded like we had a lot of information. And then the one that actually sexually assaulted me, we called him last. I think he knew something was up because he didn't say anything. Then we got a search warrant for their houses and for their lockers,

which I think would also include their cars. We were able to search everything, and they searched it right in the middle of school, where school was going on. We got the tape where they recorded my sexual assault on the trip. So a videotape. I asked to see the tape. I wasn't allowed to watch the tape. I never got to watch it for myself, but that was part of the evidence that we had. That's where it

gets kind of confusing. I was moving forward with prosecuting, even though I was terrified, and probably wasn't very mentally stable at that point, but it seems like things kind of halted. We didn't get much further than that after we got the tape, and I'm not sure why. Since this was in another country, an island in another country, I know that we had to send off and talk to their police department and get the rooms that everyone was in, the plans of where everyone stayed, and we had to go back and forth. I'm not really sure if it complicated things to a point where we would have to prosecute in that country. I don't really understand how all that works and I don't know how much that played into criminally prosecuting them. I do know that when I was on my last interview that I was

told that the boys were very sorry and I was handed a teddy bear pretty much saying that's all that's going to happen. And so I left, so I don't really know what happened. How did you feel when you left that meeting? I felt very defeated because I don't really know if I could be in a trial because I do know that they prepared me for a trial that they would destroy me at a character level. I was thinking, well, I was in a virgin, I had sex before and I've dated before and I've flirted before and I had done drugs and I had drank and I mean all

these things come to your mind and they said they're just gonna destroy you on the stand. On one hand it was terrifying to think I was gonna go forward and try to prosecute but on the other hand it was like I didn't have the support of anyone saying we had your back we're gonna do what we need to do. I felt like the rug was ripped out from underneath me. That was another let down in my life. I mean, it definitely crushed me for sure, even though I didn't know what to do about it.

It's been a long road and it's a lonely road. When we talk about trauma, a lot of mental health things can come into play because I was definitely a self-medicator. I struggled with trying to self-medicate and I was diagnosed with a lot of different things. The list could go on with what I was diagnosed with. I was starting to see things, and hear things, and self-medicate,

and continue with drinking a self-medicate, and continue with drinking this health Medicaid. I was on a lot of medication to wake up. I was on medication to go to sleep. I was on medication to bring me down to not be so up, and then medication to not be so down. For me personally, it was in a big dark hole, and I didn't know how to get out. I would advocate for anyone to get the help they need to be healthy at whatever that looks like for them. For me, it was kind of starting over and getting to the root of the trauma. And then finding my identity again.

Who was I after or even before swimming? Who was I before that? And then who was I before all this happened? But it's a long journey and I was in counseling for almost 20 years. For me, we do supplementation and eating healthy. That's what works for me to clear everything out and start over and get to the root of it.

And so I now'm mentally really healthy. There's no shame in asking for help and there's no shame in getting the people that know what you've been through, having them surround you and walk you through that because I even know where to start. And it takes time. I always wanted a quick fix for everything

because I had certain things in my life that hurt and I didn't want to feel that hurt anymore. It's a lot of hard work but in the long run you're going to be better and you're going to be able to be stronger and handle anything that comes your way. I hated that this happened but I'm so proud of the person that I become because I've worked my butt off and I know that God didn't give up on me and if I can be there for other people, then I'm okay with that. I'd feel really good about that.

Through the years of going to counseling, I feel like I was at a good place and then I had children and I think that's what really reminded me, you gotta get better. You gotta get mentally better. So that was part of the journey, but then my mom called me and she couldn't talk.

And so I just knew something was horribly wrong. What happened was, is at 13 years old, my sister was writing her bike in the middle of the day in the afternoon. And on her bike, she came across a group of college kids and their truck was out and they stopped her and I think they were doing some drugs or they were drinking or something from what. She told me they're cat calling her and banging on the window and they were trying to get her in the truck with them. Here she is at 13 years old.

They couldn't get her in the truck. One of them raped her right there. In front of the group of boys, and they were all banging on their windows the whole time. They were believing her there, and she picked up her things, and she hop back on her bike, and wrote her bike home. I hated that I wasn't there for her. My mom had some friends over and they were sitting around the back and having gossip wine. My sister came home after they couldn't get a hold of her for a little bit and she just crawled on my mom's lap. My mom said, are you okay? And she said, I just need to hug you. At that point, she didn't share with anyone.

She later shared this with her counselor at school and her counselor, since she was a minor, her counselor had to then share with my parents. And so I got a phone call that this had happened. My mom called in. I couldn't hear her in the phone, but I knew something was wrong. So I got in the car and I came home.

I think Trump is really tough and my sister later tried to take her own life. We were waiting for her and my dad called and said she's in the hospital. I got to a place where enough is enough and if I can be a voice for my sister and for anyone else out there, that's what I'm gonna do. We started a change.org. We are hoping since we are in Indiana, we are gonna start with Indiana. My hope is to change legislation.

Right now, the statute of limitations for sexual assault, as a minor, you have 10 years, no matter what age you are, as a minor, you have 10 years, no matter what age you are, as a minor. You have 10 years to prosecute. As an adult, you have seven. Right now my sister doesn't want to prosecute, but she has allowed me to share her story, and so I'm going to be her voice and hopefully a voice for others so we can change legislation. I think we can get some senators and some government officials to stand behind us and change this.

And I hope that we can make this nationwide someday. There are 12 or 13 states that don't have a statute of limitations, but we would like to change the other ones, but I think it's baby steps. So that's why I'm sharing my story. I'm gonna try to say this without without getting emotional because this is really special to me, but I did want to share that the reason why I'm still alive and I'm even speaking here now is because of my Lord Jesus Christ, what he has done for me. When trauma happens and it shatters your life and it shatters your spirit and it shatters your mind, at least it did for me. He put all the pieces back together

and then he carried me and he picked me up and he even walked me through. I also wanted to say to my sisters, both of them, that I'm proud of them and to keep moving forward and to never ever ever give up and they're so much stronger than they think they are. And I think that's it. I can't thank you enough for sharing your story and your sister's story on her behalf. It's a devastating one, both of you. I just find it so incredibly inspiring

how you both are using your experience to help others and advocate for legislative change. We will make sure to link for everybody in the episode notes the link to the change.org petition petitioning for Indiana to eliminate their statute of limitations on reporting sexual assault. Please for our listeners if this is something that you support, please check it out, add your name. You don't need to donate. We will not take any of that money, so no need to donate. What do you hope others will take away from your story? What I hope to be for other people is just to surround our arms, surround anything that we have to surround them to know that we'll carry you for a little bit.

We'll be an ear for you, we'll listen to you, we'll support you. I think that it's a long journey, it is I have to be a lonely one. I hope to move forward and encourage our fellow survivors because there are other people coming and it's our job to be there for them. I hope that's what we do. If that's anything I can do, that's what I hope to be for somebody else. Rape and sexual assault are traumatic, life-altering experiences that can leave survivors feeling confused, vulnerable, ashamed, and alone. If you have been sexually assaulted or raped, it's important to honor whatever you're feeling and thinking as these feelings are common

when processing traumatic events. According to medical professionals, if you've been sexually assaulted or raped, the first step to take is to make sure you're physically safe. Depending on where you are, you might want to go to a friend's house or ask someone to take you to a hospital. It's common for those who have been assaulted or raped to want to take a shower or a bath right away, understandably. But if you can hold off, it's best to leave everything on your body as is. If you can avoid brushing your teeth or combing your hair until you've been examined, it also helps preserve physical

evidence if you're able to avoid eating, drinking, smoking, or taking any medications until after you've been seen by a doctor. Even if you don't want to press charges at the time, it can be beneficial to preserve the evidence in case you decide later that you'd like to pursue legal action. For your health and safety, it's important that you get a medical examination as soon as possible. In addition to collecting evidence, medical professionals will test you for sexually transmitted diseases and can help provide you with medications to help prevent HIV. If you'd like, they can also provide you with emergency contraception to prevent pregnancy. Though assault and rape are crimes, you are not required

to report it to the police unless you want to. It's 100% your decision. If you do decide to report what happened, you may want to take a friend or a relative with you for support. Please remember, no matter how difficult life may feel right now, there is hope. The National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline can connect you with a trained staff member

from a sexual assault service provider in your area. When you call 1-800-656-4673, you'll be routed to a local Rain Affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have an option to enter the zip code of their current location to get a more accurate location of the nearest sexual assault service provider. Rain also provides free and confidential support from trained staff members. Thank you again to Dara for sharing her story.

To support her petition, please visit the link in today's episode notes. As always, thank you for listening. Until next week, stay safe, friends. Something was wrong is an audio chuck production, created and hosted by Tiffany Rees. Our theme song was originally composed by Gladrax, covered this season by Kenna and the Kings. You don't know anybody,

you don't know anybody, you just have to know. So what do you think Chuck, do you approve? Hey, prime members, you can listen to something was wrong early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the app today, or you can listen early and add free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey.