Something Was Wrong - S2 E4: Life Isn't Always Fair

Episode Date: September 4, 2019

Sylvia's medical condition worsens.Sources: http://parentification-researchlab.com/ https://www.cancer.org/  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, prime members, you can listen to something was wrong early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. I'm Candace DeLong and on my new podcast, Killer Psychy Daily, I share a quick 10 minute rundown every weekday on the motivations and behaviors of the cold-butter killers you read about in the news. Listen to the Amazon Music Exclusive Podcast, Killer Psychie Daily, in the Amazon Music App. Download the app today! This podcast is intended for mature audiences and could be triggering to some. Please use

discretion when listening. Dr. Lisa M. Hooper and her team at the University of Iowa Research Lab, define perentification as a type of role reversal and boundary distortion in which children or adolescents assume developmentally inappropriate levels of responsibility in their family. In the perentification phenomenon, the overarching role of the perentified youth can be described as that of caregiver, caring for others at the expense of caring for self. It is often clinically observed and empirically examined along two dimensions, instrumental and emotional parenthification.

Instrumental parenthification primarily involves completing physical tasks for the family, such as taking care of relatives with serious medical conditions, grocery shopping, paying bills, or ensuring that a younger sibling attends and does well in school. Emotional parentification often involves a child or adolescent taking on the role and responsibilities of confidant, secret keeper, or emotional healer for family members.

Parentification is often observed in families where the parent or caregiver has experienced a serious medical condition or mental health disorder. Parental substance use and abuse are also common in families where parentification exists. I'm Tiffany Reese and this is...something was wrong. The American Cancer Society reports that approximately one in five children have serious emotional symptoms a year or more after a parent's death. A 2011 study showed that two months after losing a parent, one in four children were depressed.

If the parent has a long and difficult battle with cancer, the child may have started grieving before the actual death. Sometimes emotional symptoms can become more severe and interfere with the child or the family's life. Having cancer is hard, and it affects the person with cancer in each family member or loved one socially and emotionally.

This is known as the psychosocial effect of having cancer. Just as there are cancer treatment teams and surgical teams, there are also teams of experts each with different focus on mental or social health who understand how cancer affects a family. A psychosocial team can offer the patient and the family support during this difficult time. Psychosocial support can include mental health counseling, education, spiritual support, group support, and many other such services. Sylvia's daughter was put into therapy by her grandmother to help her process the illness and possible death of her mother. During her time in art therapy, Sylvia's daughter and her therapist

made a video, pretending to have a talk show where she answered the questions of other children whose parents have cancer. Please note, in the clip you are about to hear from this DVD, the voices of the therapist and Sylvia's daughter have been changed for anonymity purposes. I'm eight years old. Okay. And who's sick in your family? My mother is sick. Uh-huh. And do you know what her illness is? Yes, I do. It is ovarian cancer. It was first known her ovarian and then it traveled to her back. Oh man. Okay. Well the reason I asked for you to come here today is because I've been getting lots of letters from kids in our community who have parents with cancer or other serious illnesses and they're having a hard time dealing with their feelings and

knowing what to do and since you're an expert in this area I thought I would invite you here and maybe you could answer some of their questions. Do you think you could do that? Yeah I could do that, that would be awesome. Okay well let me start off. This first letter I got is from a boy named Roger. Okay. And Roger's eight years old and he wants to know what are some ways that he can express his anger. He's feeling really angry about his mom having cancer. What are some ways he can express his anger without getting into trouble?

Without getting into trouble, let me think. I think one of the best ways to do the best things to do is to think of something happy. Do something happy. Do something you enjoy every day and try to just look that slip off. So you don't just feel angry and you can just let your anger go. Oh, so do something happy so you maybe aren't feeling so angry. Yeah. Oh, okay, okay. Do you ever get angry about your mom's illness?

Yeah, I get angry when people stare at her because she's lost all her hair. They just don't understand. That's why they stare because they don't understand why she's like that. They just don't know that That's why they stare because they don't understand why she's like that. They just don't know that the illness. Right, right. Okay.

Let's see here. Next, here's a girl named Sally, and Sally's seven years old. And it's hard to hear you anymore, right? I think. You think it is. The older you get, the more it gets a little easier. Yeah, like my brother, he doesn't understand yet.

How long have you been dealing with this? How long? Well about I think it happened two years ago, two years it's been two years since she had figured out chaps of the disease. Hmm boy that's a long time isn't it? Yeah. Okay, well Sally says that she gets really sad about her grandma having breast cancer. And she wants to know what she can do to feel better. Well if she's sad, maybe she could spend more time with her grandma and the more they

spend time together, maybe she'll start feeling a little better about it and she'll start understanding a little more and just be a little happier and not as sad. Now grandma, if she's in bed and resting a lot because she's going through all her treatments and now what I think she could do to spend time with grandma while she's not feeling well. Well what I do is my mom is I hop in bed with her and she likes to read so I read with her and I sometimes do like get her water or warm up some food or some or make her stuff to eat. You can spend time with your grandma Sally, spend time with your grandma by just helping her and maybe doing things you guys enjoy that you guys can do together when she's in bed. Great, thanks.

I think that's going to help Sally a lot. Here's a letter from a kid named Ryan. Ryan's nine. Okay. And he wants to know how you first felt when you found out that your mom had cancer. I was so, I think I just was so upset and I was, man, I was sad the same time I was upset and I was feeling like, why did this happen to her? Why can't it happen to someone else?

Mm-hmm. Things like that as. It sounds like you just felt like this isn't fair. Yeah. And then I figured out life isn't always fair. You're right. That's right. You're very wise.

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an America's criminal justice system. Follow American scandal wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wonder App. So the daughter, I noticed that she doesn't look healthy. Like her hair is very thin and not healthy. If you've ever seen a blonde person who is not healthy, their hair has a straw-like quality Or even a brunette, so their hair would be very straw-like

Her hair was very thin Very very thin for a child. It had no luster. It had no shine. I did not think she was nutritionally very Fed variable and it it kind of showed. The boy still wasn't talking very much. He could talk, he could communicate, but he did not talk often. But his sickness kind of went away. Like, I do not remember her cooking

for the children very much. And I did not cook nutritionally great meals for them because it would be like mac and cheese or something quick because I had to come cook for my family. There, there was always food in the kitchen. I believe that the children were feeding themselves a lot. I believe that the daughter took on an adult role. I believe she was a very old-sold type of child anyway. I was concerned for

the children. At this point, they're going to do the house swap again. I want you to think about how many moves that is though. Five or six already? Yeah. I was supposed to move in with her at the house where Sylvia attempted suicide. The moving day came, I like packed all my stuff in the car, and like I could not get a hold of her for anything. I didn't know what else to do, I just turned around and went back home and I think it was a couple days later that she suddenly got a hold of me. I was like, uh yeah, what's up?" And she said she was either going to be forced to buy her home or move in that she was just really stressed out and kind of shut down and then didn't get a hold of me. And then I think it was like a few months after that when we finally wound

up moving in together. You met Jen earlier this season. She was a co-worker of both T and Sylvia. After Jason and Sylvia separated, Jen became roommates with Sylvia and her two children in Citrus Heights, California. She had told us that the cancer had spread to her back. So, you know, we would see her trying to do things like lift heavy bags at dogs food and like, oh no, you know, we did everything from bathing her dogs. We wouldn't let her carry anything heavy. I was a really clean person and I loved to clean, so I always made sure the house was picked up and vacuumed.

And if she had her sheet, her bed sheets and blankets and the dryer, I would take them and put them on her bed for her and wash the dishes and make meals for everyone. The kids loved it when I cooked for them and colored with them and helped them with their homework and played like video games. Like they just like sucked up that attention and I think that they felt special, you know,

to get some solid attention like that. They were really, really close together and I think they kind of leaned on each other for support because their mom wasn't always there for them mentally. She was a nurse at the prison in Sacramento. It was weird because she would have these printed out like work schedules that she would put on the refrigerator. And then like on the days and times

she was supposed to be at work like she would put on the refrigerator. And then, like, on the days and times, she was supposed to be at work, like she would never be there. She was always at home. It was just so bizarre. And it was just like a schedule like she could have made and printed out herself. I don't know if she really worked at the prison or not. I don't know if that was, you know,

another story she made up, or if she really worked there. I don't know. But she came home one day and was like, I was at work working and one of the other nurses came up to me and told me that she knew who Jason was and that they had a relationship together. And I was like, what the like how that so bizarre. One time she said her Boston got hit by a car and passed away, but like she never brought it into the hospital for body care, anything. The really weird one was she had this cat named Boomer.

And he was this really beautiful, friendly, long-haired orange cat, and she brought him in one day and he was like just a sack of bones and all of his skin and fur was missing from his back. She had said something like he had been locked in an attic and nobody knew and they just found him. It looked like he had been burned. But once the cat got at the hospital and was receiving regular care, he made a full recovery. I mean, she said she was a registered nurse, but I think there's some thought she wasn't quite a registered nurse. She was like an LVN, but she was a nanny. It wasn't very long. I want to say it was like a month or maybe two at the most for this baby that was really sick. And had some kind of condition where like her skin would

sluff off. So she did bring the baby in one day and the baby was wrapped from like head to toe and like east bandages. So she would tell friends of ours that I was an awful roommate, I didn't pitch in, I was gone for like weeks at a time, which was not true. My boyfriend lived out of town at the time about an hour away, so I would go stay the night

there sometimes, but I think that she just got so used to me helping so much and like relying on that, that when I wasn't there to do those things, like, you know, she got upset. I mean, my feelings were just really hurt. Like, I'm like, here I am, you know, putting in all this time and effort and for her to go behind my back

and, you know, tell our close friends that stuff that's not true. I just, I was really hurt by that. She bred bulldogs and had bulldog puppies pretty often. So she wouldn't be there and I would be there alone and she would call me up and be like, oh hey Jason's gonna come over and hang out with the puppies and I would just think, oh okay, but that's really weird you know because he was like abusive and cheated on you. And now he's like, coming over to the house

to hang out with the dogs. It was just so bizarre. Any interaction I had with him was always great. He was really nice and cordial and friendly. And we didn't really have conversations about her childhood, but she would always say, like, you know, her mom and dad were like horrible people and they weren't there for her when she was growing up and that's all that I really knew. After I moved out, Sylvia got a lot sicker. She was in a wheelchair. She wasn't really able to function, wearing diapers in bed and needed help getting up and

physically going to the bathroom. So even after I moved out, I would take shifts there, still doing laundry, cleaning, making sure they had food, things like that. I never ever saw her physically ill. I never saw her throw up. In that house, she got additional sicknesses. So she became, she said the cancer had spread to her brain. She said she was going to Stanford for surgery. She told me that she had reached out to

Jason that she was really lonely and she missed her best friend and that maybe they couldn't be married but maybe they could still be friends and did I it was I mad at her for that and I said no you know you I understand being alone and that being your safety person and in retrospect I don't know if she was stringing them along I don't know if they ever stopped talking I don't know what he was told I don't know if she was stringing them along. I don't know if they ever stopped talking. I don't know what he was told. I don't know Quite what that relationship was. I Would imagine guessing they were hooking up. I don't not sure. She told me that Jason took her to Stanford

So I go after work to check on her when she's home. So she was gone for like a day. I go to check on her. She was home so she was gone for like a day. I go to check on her, she was in bed, her back of her head was shaved, completely shaved and there was a one and a half inch one inch incision that was stitched up and look like an incision. It looked it was stitched up properly. I felt horrific for her. She had to have brain surgery, the cancer has spread. I can remember she had beside her bed this spaghetti strainer, like the plastic spaghetti strainer, the big ones, and it was full of pill bottles, like all different kinds of medications, and like she would have a timer that would go up and like it's time to take the pill and she would just be taking like handfuls of medications and pills and such.

She didn't get out of bed a whole lot. Her mom came for a visit and I communicating with her mom, you know, on and off while her mom is here. She told me that she was having seizures. I remember her mom going, I need to get marijuana. Like, she's so sick from this chemo drug. We need to get her marijuana. And I went on my way to work to check on her. And she was in the bedroom. And her mom was having a business meeting via the computer. So I just went in there and I was sitting with her and talking with her and just like, I just, I feel so terrible. Like, I just can't do this anymore. And then all of a sudden, she has a freaking seizure. And it's a grandma. I mean, the full arching of the body, the mouth, the everything. And I call her mom in and her mom's like

swirler on her side, it's what we've been doing and she comes out of it and her mom goes back in the living room and I'm sitting there with her and she gets up and starts to gal bed and walk on the kitchen and go, what do you do? She was saying it's in bread pudding. And I go, you just had a seizure, she'll say, why? I go, you just had a seizure, a full seizure. And she's like, oh, I didn't know. And I'm like, you just had a seizure, she'll say, why? I go, you just had a seizure, a full seizure. Like, and she's like, oh, I didn't know. And I'm like, yeah, you need to get back in bed.

I'll use my bed putting her, you know, whatever, but I was just clearly no recognition of having a seizure. No, didn't even know that she had had a seizure, which I actually have come to find out now. That's pretty common. Like, you don't even know you have a seizure. You think you passed out, but you know you have a seizure. As I was leaving to go to work,

I stopped and I talked to her mom and her mom's like, have you looked at those medications that she's been taking? And I said, to be honest with you now, I mean, I see the giant, columned or full of medications and she goes, yeah, I was looking at them the other day is trying to figure out what you know is going on and I know there are a bunch of psych meds and I was like hmm like I never I didn't look at them and she goes

Do you know who this doctor is? And she said the doctor's name and I said no and she goes well, he says psychiatrist But and there's all these different meds and there's different meds from different psychiatrists So I'm kind of confused, like, I mean, I understand she's depressed, you know, but I'm just kind of confused. And I go, I don't know, I just ask her to call the doctor and have them go over all the meds with you.

It's probably a good idea. She's like, okay. And so at this point, the mom has to go back home, go to back to Canada and work. So I make a big, giant poster board chart. And it has, who's bringing dinner this day, who's coming to check after work this day. People who own the house that were renting her the house, they lived in the house next door. They started helping out. So it was a married couple and they had two adult

children and the adult daughter was helping out. Here's where it all goes. Terribly, terribly crazy wrong. Next time. Something was wrong, is written, recorded, edited, and produced by me, Tiffany Reitz. All of the music by Gladrags. Here their album, Wonder Under on iTunes. Follow the hashtag Something was Wrong Pod on Instagram. You can now purchase something was wrong merch at SWW.Threadless.com.

The book's referenced on the show can be found linked in the show notes. If you or someone you know is being abused, please contest the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. That's 1-800-799-7233. Thank you. If you'd like to help support the show, please consider leaving a five-star review on iTunes and sharing the podcast with your family and friends. A neighbor, a garbage man, a gynecologist, a record producer, and a back-spoil friend.

Yeah, just like everyone I know, that would be cool. Thank you, everyone. You think you know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don't know me, you don'll know me, don't you? Don't you? Let it all go, let it all go Let it all go, let it all go Let it all go, let it all go Let it all go, let it all go Let it all go, let it all go I'm going to be you, I'm going to be you I'm going to be you, you can listen to something was wrong early and add free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Or you can listen early and add free with Wondery

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