Something Was Wrong - S2 E7: Somebody I Love is So Sick

Episode Date: September 26, 2019

Tee comes to terms with her relationship with Sylvia. Sources:Treatment Advocacy CenterNational Institute of Mental Health  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, prime members, you can listen to something was wrong early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. I'm Candace DeLong and on my new podcast, Killer Psychy Daily, I share a quick 10 minute rundown every weekday on the motivations and behaviors of the cold-butter killers you read about in the news. Listen to the Amazon Music Exclusive Podcast Killer Psychy Daily in the Amazon Music exclusive podcast killer psyche daily in the Amazon Music app. Download the app today. This podcast is intended for mature audiences and could be triggering to some. Please use discretion when listening.

On a personal note, sadly this past Saturday, my father-in-law, Papa Papa passed away suddenly. He was the only real dad I've ever had, and his impact, both on myself and those who I love dearly, will go on forever. My father-in-law was a dog trainer, and yesterday my favorite dog of his Maya passed away and went to go be with Papa. I want to dedicate this episode to both of them. They always made me feel loved, safe, and cared for. Thank you. In an article written by John Snuck, executive director of the Treatment Advocacy Center, that he wrote for Variety and Rolling Stone for a special series entitled American Injustice, which is linked in the show notes, of course. He writes, An estimated 8.3 million adults in the United States have a severe mental illness. At any given time, 3.9 million go untreated.

With medication and other support services, those with severe mental illness are no more dangerous than anyone else, capable of leading happy and productive lives. Without treatment, their prospects worsen. Yet the odds are stacked against these individuals. Our healthcare system actively denies them care, and we criminalize the symptoms of their diseases. When someone has a heart attack, an ambulance takes them to an emergency room. When someone is in the depths of psychosis, however, police are called and frequently

cart that person off to jail. Without treatment, those with severe mental illness experience a host of negative consequences. Many take their own lives. Others face a shortened lifespan due to much increased risk of other chronic health conditions. Ultimately, those with severe mental illness die on average 25 years earlier than their peers. Others are lost to the streets. Conservative estimates suggest that one quarter of the homeless population suffers from a severe mental illness. In 2017, that amounted to 138-435 individuals

on a single night. Although common, our arrests for so-called quality of life crimes like loitering and public urination, behaviors that are triggered by illness, not criminal intent. As a result, incarceration has become the norm for those with severe mental illness. 40% of them are incarcerated at some point in their lives. Two million are booked into jails each year. The treatment advocacy center estimates that 383,000 individuals with severe mental illnesses were incarcerated in 2016. Although many belonged in hospitals instead,

but jails are the worst place to provide mental health treatment, would be patients are isolated. They deteriorate, are victimized, and receive inadequate care. Their symptoms result in additional offenses and time behind bars. A 2018 national investigation revealed that since 2010, more than 400 people with mental illness have died in our nation's jails. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, mental illnesses are common in the United States,

affecting tens of millions of people each year. Estimates suggest that only half of the people with mental illness receive treatment. Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness, 46.6 million in 2017. I'm Tiffany Reese, and this is something was wrong. Mental health is so it's such a problem in the United States right now. Um, people can't get help and that I remember when she was really sick and saying that she didn't want to live anymore. And I tried to call her on to get her counseling and you can't. I couldn't, I couldn't find anywhere that would talk to her, take her. And I've experienced that problem too with this exact thing because when I found out that she did not have cancer, I

preached out to my health insurance and I said, hey, I'd like to get an appointment with a counselor. And I had seen a counselor previously dealing with, you know, my friend is dying thing, so I made a phone call and they said, oh, well, he doesn't have any appointments for six weeks. And I said, lady, you know, I just found out my best friend has been baking cancer for four years on that Shiasvictitious disorder and then cry and they're like, well, we don't have any appointments. I was furious and I'm sure I yelled and said to my nice,

very nice thing. And then I sat down and I wrote a letter to my doctor and I said, I just want you to know what's going on. This is what happened. You know, Sylvia does not have cancer. She has been cutting herself open, sowing herself back up. She never had cancer and we just found out. And I tried to call the given appointment to come talk to you and I can't.

And I'm in terrible, I don't know what to do. I'm terribly upset. And I just thought you should know. I thought you should know that I can't get in to see you because your office won't let me and they won't even get a message to you to tell you that there is a problem in a crisis. And I just thought you should know that and I sealed it and I put private and personal on it. I addressed it to his office with attention to him and four days later he got his mail and he opened it and he called me right away, he got me in within 24 hours. You know she did not feel good and she was sick and she was sick and tired of being sick and tired. And although she really never had cancer, you have to keep in mind that she was making herself extremely ill. She was sick, she was physically sick and mentally sick. She was taking medication

to make herself sick. So although she didn't have what we thought, she still was extremely ill and she looked terrible. And so when you come over and see this person and she's, you know, I don't feel like I can go on anymore, I don't feel like I can live anymore, which is totally normal for someone who has cancer and who has no hair and who is vomiting and diarrhea, you know, 24-7 and dehydrated and can't hardly walk and can't get out of bed and can't take care of their children. That is mentally toxic and I remember sitting there and pulling on our healthcare card and I remember even calling the different places that are in town that have inpatient, they were all full. That was the problem. It wasn't that they wouldn't, you know, her insurance wouldn't be taken. They're all full. And what you might not know is even if

you go to the emergency room and say you want to harm yourself and you want to be 51-50. All that does is they know, and this has been in the last few years, is all they do is they find a place, a facility that has an empty bed and they put you on a 72 hour hold and they basically put you in a room with things that you cannot harm yourself with. So you cannot have shoes, strings, you cannot have, you know, all these different things. But you don't get any counseling in those 72 hours. It's not like you get 51-50 and they take you to a place that has a bed for you and you're going to get help within those 72 hours. No, they just keep you safe for 72 hours and then they set you

up with counseling or program or an outpatient or an inpatient program, but you don't get to talk to somebody which is the misconception. I would think if I thought I was losing my mind and drove to the emergency room and asked to be 51.50, I would think I would get to talk to a counselor. That is not the case. The whole healthcare system with mental health is so completely broken. And let's face it, when you're having a crisis and you're a person that is having an issue and a trauma, you wait to call for help until you can't take it anymore, until you can't deal with it anymore,

until you feel broken and that you're going to snap and happen, break. until you feel broken and that you're gonna snap and happen break. And then it takes six weeks to get in to see somebody. And that is the standard of care. Yeah, my doctor got my letter. How many people do you know that think to write their doctor a personal letter? I might get private personal and then have their doctor call them. That was a random thought that happened to me.

That worked. Thank goodness. And it was so, so helpful to get to talk to him because he is the one that told me, you cannot rationalize irrational behavior. So in your rational head right now, you are trying to find rational answers as to what happened and why it happened. There are no rational answers because she is unrational. Her behavior is unrational. It's not normal thinking. So normal people are not going to understand that. So you need to give yourself a break, take a breath, and know that you're not going to figure this out. And that was so helpful. One day, one hour of counseling after the initial trauma

was invaluable to me, and to know that it's so hard to get and it shouldn't be. I went to her house to do a so sick, and so like the under her eyes was like so dark, and she was so sick and so like the under her eyes was like so dark and she could barely walk and I took her to the emergency room and she told them I was there in the emergency room in the bay with her and she told the nurse I have cancer I have ovarian cancer, I'm taking, I'm in chemo, I am taking, you know, these meds and shirabble duck beds, they refuse to treat her. And I remember being so confused.

Why are they not going to give her any medication, any pain medication, any anything? And I believe they said we can give you fluids, but that's it. You'll have to follow up with your regular doctor. Well, they had to have had, because that's where she went a lot of times, they had to have her medical record. They had to know that she did not have cancer.

And, but I didn't know that. So in my view, I said, well, maybe they think you're a drug know, a drug seeker. And so they're not going to give you any meds because, you know, you need to follow up with your cancer doctor tomorrow. But you should at least get a clue. It's and she literally, no, I went out of here. And I remember her peeling the, you know, the leads that are taped on you off. And I, she was like, no, we're going to get out of here. And I was like, no, you're gonna get out of here. And I was like, no, you need like, you need medical help.

And I feel so embarrassed now because I know her. And when I was helping her out, and she couldn't even hardly walk and her arms around my neck. And I'm dragging my dying friend out of the emergency room and we're passing by the nurses on the doctor's station. I looked at them and I go, you should be absolutely ashamed of yourself. You should just be ashamed. You are not

helping someone who is dying of cancer. You're not giving our medical attention. You should be ashamed of yourself. This could be your mother, your daughter, you know, whatever. You should be ashamed. Now I know. They knew, but I didn't know. And then I took her home and then she said she told me that later that her husband took her to a different hospital and she got help that she had a seizure while waiting for treatment and that her heart actually stopped during this time where she was waiting. Her husband took her to a different hospital where she could get care and that during that process but her heart stopped beating and how you know horrible the other hospital was for not helping her and how she

almost died from it and that her heart stopped and it was this huge thing and I was so mad you know at that other place like look at what they did and you know and things like this happened but I at the time I thought it was you know I'm mad at the doctors at that hospital but the reality is is that they had to have known but then why when you know something like that's going on, is there no reporting at that? Is there no follow up on that? Or I guess if there was, I wouldn't know because she certainly wouldn't have told us. There was like no electronic medical records

at that time or very very limited. So, but even if they did know, like you said, they couldn't say anything because of hippo laws. Like that's, they would be breaking a law because that's her personal medical information. You're not a family member, you're not like her sole care provider. And so, you know, there are laws in place that protect that. And unfortunately, I think this is one of the few times where that sort of sucks. And it could cost them their job. So I've been reading the DSM and trying to understand more about, you know, the different categories of mental disorders and personality disorders and all sorts of things to help me better understand this story and one of the things that I am having I guess trouble with understanding and I don't know that I'll ever find the answer to

it necessarily is that she had these obvious symptoms of fictitious disorder and like making herself sick. She did she did also also have a lot of malingering behaviors. That often looks to like secondary gains aside just like making yourself feel like with fictitious disorder, you're feeling ill and that's a conscious process, but your gain is really medical attention and the sort of sympathy of others. However, a lot of times it sounds like she wasn't even actually getting the medical attention. She was doing it herself. So, I struggle with doing the research on what exactly is this, what are the gains, like, did what she associate with, did she feel guilty?

Was she a narcissist? Was she, she was brilliant? Which psychopaths and narcissists are usually pretty fast-drawn smart? What was she? Like, what mental ailment did she have? So I'm with you. I went, I researched, and I'm still so confused on what exactly she had, because we don't really know where the truth lies.

She also received lots of secondary gains. In my eyes, they were not huge. She did not get a house, but I mean, she got like care packages and meals and I'm sure people gave her stuff all the time because she was bald and sick and and did she feel guilty for that? Did she feel guilty after she was bald and sick and and did she feel guilty for that? Did she feel guilty after she was found out? She never wrote me a letter explaining except for that very first day that said, you know, I've come to find out I don't have cancer and then I have fictitious disorder and then I never had

cancer and I want you to know I did believe I was getting all those surgeries, but she never, I never saw any remorse from her She just showed a little bit of remorse, you know with the doctors with the letter She sent him there seemed to be some kind of remorse there, but again It's that hyper sexuality and that men were always in the forefront for her. Like she always put men first. Her husband's her boyfriend's. They all went ahead of her children and her friends and her family. So that I think is part of her mental illness. But I still, I'm with you. I don't know what exactly could, I mean mean she could have multiple things. Let's face it she had to have had multiple things but trying to understand them it's easier if it was just

Munchausen and she's hurting herself for the attention but it really wasn't just that and it really wasn't just the fictitious disorder. Why isn't just the fictitious disorder? What if you were trafficked into a cult over shot nine times or fell in love with a vampire or went into a minor Surgery and woke up one week later Paralyzed what would you do? I'm wit missile dine the creator of this actually happening, a podcast from Wondry that brings you extraordinary true stories of life-changing events, told by the people who lived them. From a young man that dooms his entire future with one choice, to a woman who survived a notorious serial killer, you'll hear their first person account of how they overcame

remarkable circumstances. Each episode is an exploration of the human spirit and personal discovery. These haunting accounts sound like Hollywood movies, but I assure you this is actually happening. Follow this is actually happening wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to ad-free on the Amazon Music or Lund wonder app. I think that we need to hold people accountable that do this not vendettably or viciously, but when you know something like this has happened

and through my own listening to the news and research, I find that it happens with nurses sometimes on my research. It seems like I've heard a lot of stories. I don't believe these people should be able to be practicing medicine and I think that we have to hold people accountable for their actions that do this. How is that, what does that look like? I guess it would depend on the person and the situation, but I feel like I can't have these people taking care of other people

and doing things with other people. And absolute mind control and manipulation that happens to make these things happen. And I think that, you know, there has to be something we can do. I felt like, gosh, you know, I was really trying to, with the nursing board and stuff. And like, what I called social services and for the children and they did not care. Social services did not care at all and I'm like, do you understand what I'm telling you that she told her children she was dying for four years and she caught herself open and sold herself back up. And she has her children. Like, how can you guys not, they did nothing.

Because they didn't have proof. No, they didn't even investigate. They didn't even investigate. So the system's broken there. It just consumed all of my thoughts and energy, just trying to understand, you know, how someone could do this to other people. And then, you know, eventually you just realize, you know, I'm never gonna understand. There's not one person that exists

that knows all of the truth except for Sylvia. I mean, thinking about it, you know, so much over the years. I just had to learn that I can't take it personally. What happened to me, she was mentally ill. And it had nothing, you know, really to do with me, all these lies and stuff, and that I just, I couldn't take it as a personal attack on me, what happened.

And just know that she was sick, and it's something that happened, and I just had to move on. How has this experience changed you? I definitely don't let people in as much, which I think is good. I still probably try to take care of people a little too much, but I... that's my nature, that's who I am, so that's just what it is. But I do, I think that I learned a big lesson, and I learned not to put anybody ahead of my own family, and I learned that people lie, and that even the sweetest person that you think the sweetest person, the planet, they can lie. Even the sweetest person that you think the sweetest person to plan it, they can lie. And to see even steal and rob and cheat and you know that's the thing.

I mean she was the sweetest young woman and beautiful and nice and kind. She was never mean to me. She was never, she never had it. I mean word to say you know how you sometimes bicker with friends, never, nothing, never mean words to me, nothing. Had no clue. Had no idea this was going on. I had no signs this was going on.

Nobody did. I was thinking about some of the other aspects of this and the fallout of after we found out about Sylvia and telling people and explaining to people what happened and the guilt I felt for dragging my co-workers into this and dragging my family into this and my friends into this. I know it wasn't my fault that this happened and that, you know, my friend had, you know, fictitious disorder and munchowson and I know that isn't my fault. I do know that on a, on a level, but I really pulled in my coworkers to help. So like I led the troops. I was, come on you guys, everybody get on the meal train, come on you guys, let's help her move.

Because I believe in the you know it takes the village mentality and it takes the village trees, our children and the community, unlike if you know someone's painting their house, you go and you help them because you are hopeful that someone will come and help you. So that's just always been my way of things and I really did know, had them helping me buy things, do things, you know, hoping, going over there. And the guilt I felt that I did all that and that I sucked all those people in and, you know, I did have the thought, why didn't I see this? Why didn't I know?

Why, how could I not know that these things were not real? How could, how did I not see this for four years? And then I also, the exact same moment had solace knowing that she went to a counselor and that the counselor didn't see it. And that is their job. So that was helpful that I had that person, you know, that I knew that they believed her too

and that we all believed her. I mean, everybody believed her, nobody doubted her but I still had really bad guilt. The damage I did to my child by dragging my child through that four years with me Sick in it and I made her healthy like no, you're gonna help me do these dishes Do this run this vacuum or no now you have to help me at home because we were over there so we have to you know and

My you know my sweet child has such a huge heart. And she loved Sylvia. She loved those children. And I put my daughter in that situation. My mom's my best friend, so it's just hard to see someone you love go through. Such heartbreak and loss. Because if you think about it, even though she didn't necessarily pass away with us, I mean, that's what happened though, she was no longer in her life abruptly. We had to grieve it on her own, yeah.

When things get so dark and twisty with a whole situation that happened, it's like, will was there a funeral? And then you're like second guessing everything in your head. And so it's like, oh okay okay, well, if I was there, and maybe in my head I could cross it more. It's, okay, yeah, this is validated. You know, I have some closure. And I know this has happened,

so now I can move on and grieve. I felt like I was really close with that with me. I wish at least the kids could have kept in contact. Not only just with me, but like, again, with like everybody from the hospital, all of us kids like we were there together We did easter together. We did events at the hospital together and it's like oh, I was like okay Well, this is also the time for up loss for you. So not only have you lost one person you've lost the entire family

My mom or both didn't pass so we feel it other people feel and then mom or both than past. So we feel it, other people feel it. And then somebody I love is so sick. There's nothing I can do to fix that though or really to help the diagnosis that she said was bad. So it's like I have nothing I can do to help, but you know, almost take the pain or feeling and then put it on myself. And like it's hard for us to on top of that is we have autoimmune diseases still like it makes us more tired We have way more chronic fatigue. I feel like we're more or immune are more elevated It's a traumatic experience at the end of the day afterwards and that's hard The horrible grief when I found out my friend was you know had cancer when it's dying and then I had a horrible grief when I found out my friend was, you know, had cancer once dying, and then I had a horrible grief, you know, when I found out that she wasn't dying and that she was

mentally ill, that was the whole death and it sucked me. That was the death of my friendship and I never saw her again. And then I had the whole grief thing again when she did die and the whole, there's never going to be answers. And so that was three, I had three different sessions of grief to go through. And they were all horrible and they were all traumatic. And it was the same person in three grief cycles. But what made you want to tell your story? I always wanted to be able to tell it in my own voice, and I didn't want somebody else changing my words

or my feelings by editing. And so, I think it was too soon before now, because I wasn't in a good place with it, and that would be something I want to share that like, I am in a good place now, and I am okay with it now. It was a terrible thing that happened to me and sometimes it feels unbelievable but I am over it. I did learn from it

and I haven't moved on from it and that people that are in the thick of that when that happens to you can recover, you can move on. It's a lesson, you know. There are some people out there that will do and say anything, and I feel really sorry for her ex-husband, and I feel sorry that I doubted him and thought he was a douchebag. I'm not sure he was a douchebag. He may have been, but I don't think so. I think that we're all told things to keep us in our box. It's hard to summarize how I feel about this story. At first, it was so easy for me to hate Sylvia, especially after hearing the things she had done to her children.

Over time and through deeper understanding, I began to feel complete pity for her simultaneously. If you are mentally ill enough to be cutting and sewing yourself up while emotionally abusing your children, you're probably either evil or psychologically unwell. And yet as much as I empathize and sympathize that Sylvia was mentally unwell, I still feel utter heartbreak and anger for her children. To hear her daughter on that video talk show clip was unreal levels of sadness. And then there's T and her family and all of their own heartache and trauma. I've only known her for a few months, but I can tell you that she's an incredible person. Just yesterday I had to put our family dog down Maya. Only a few days after my father-in-law,

Papa, just died, and she helped me find an organization that would come put Maya down in a peaceful way. A few months ago she offered help when we had another personal family issue to deal with, and she completely saved us. She's just one of those weird freak of nature humans that give a genuine fuck about other people. So much so that despite herself being sick, with multiple autoimmune diseases, she took care of her sick coworker and friend

for years out of the goodness of her heart. And even after this took place, she went back to school to better understand psychology and mental health. She's gone to therapy and chooses now to use her story to help other people. And though I am devastated that any of this actually took place in real life, and that tea went through this trauma, and that Sylvia's kids went through this trauma, and that Sylvia's kids went through this trauma, and that Sylvia went through this trauma, and everybody else who was affected in the wake of this horrible thing. I'm so thankful that I got to tell this story, and I'm very thankful that I got to know

tea. And like life, there are so many unknowns that will forever go unanswered, with Sylvia lying sociopath, or a mentally unwell person with fictitious disorder abusing medications. Is she both? Can you be both? No, seriously, I'm asking. I don't know. Can you? Let me know. Sadly, I desire to believe that Sylvia passed away due to years of abuse she put her body through instead of the thought that she killed herself and let her young daughter be the one to find her dead body, we will never know. A lot of people loved Sylvia, and simultaneously she left a massive amount of emotional damage and destruction for those that loved her.

There are some answers we simply cannot find, and I'm working on figuring out how to accept these kinds of unknowns, learning to accept what cannot be changed, and it fucking blows. Thank you to T, Kurt, Sarah, and Jen for participating in this series. Tee and I will be recording a Q&A episode soon. If you have a question, you can send it via email, Instagram, or by calling or texting 1-3-2-3-379-5678. Thank you so much. Something was wrong is written, recorded, edited, and produced by me, Tiffany Reitz.

All of the music by Gladracks. Here their album, Wonder Under on iTunes. Follow the hashtag Something was Wrong Pod on Instagram. You can now purchase something was wrong merch at SWW dot threadless dot com. The book's referenced on this show can be found linked in the show notes. If you or someone you know is being abused, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-Safe. That's 1-800-799-7233. Thank you.

If you'd like to help support the show, please consider leaving a 5-star review on iTunes, and sharing the podcast with your family and friends. A neighbor, a garbage man, and gynecologist, and record producer, and ex-boyfriend. No, don't do that. Yeah, just like everyone you know, that'd be cool. Thank you, love you, bye. Don't be away Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go

Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go Let it all go You don't know anybody, you can listen to something was wrong early and ad-free on Amazon music.

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