Something Was Wrong - S5 E13: Declaring War | Rachel

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

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Hey, prime members, you can listen to something was wrong early and add free on Amazon music. Download the app today. I'm Candace DeLong and on my new podcast, Killer Psychy Daily, I share a quick 10-minute rundown every weekday on the motivations and behaviors of the cold-butter killers you read about in the news. Listen to the Amazon Music Exclusive Podcast Killer Psychy Daily in the Amazon Music exclusive podcast killer psyche daily in the Amazon Music app. Download the app today. Something was wrong, covers mature topics that can be triggering. Topics such as emotional,

physical, and sexual abuse. Please, as always, use caution when listening. Opinions of guests on the show are their own and don't necessarily reflect my views or the views of this podcast. Please note, I am not a therapist or a doctor. If you or someone you love is experiencing a suicidal crisis or emotional distress, please call 1-800-273-8255. For more resources, visit somethingwaswrong.com-resources. Thank you so much. But things just felt weird and it felt so tense and literally, the day, I was spending two weeks with them. The day before me, my husband, leave to go back to America. My mom takes me aside into the backyard and I can tell she's really upset.

And she starts like being very emotional. Like, what is going on? And she tells me that like a couple of weeks before I came, her and dad got into this fight and like he pushed her and hit her. And she had told her not to tell anyone at their therapy because other people were there that were involved with other churches and everyone would know. And so she wasn't supposed to tell anyone.

And she didn't feel right about it, but she felt like God told her to just do it anyway. And so she did. And I was like, no mom, what are you, and she was like, I don't know. And told me that she was having visions and that she'd had this vision of social workers coming to take my brother away and that she was scared that things weren't changing and that people were gonna know and that my brother

was gonna be taken away from us and I remember just crying and saying like mom give him to me like I will take him I. I will take him to America. I will, like I will take care of him. And she was like, no, no, no, I can't. I'm like, you literally believe that God has told you that your family's going to get ripped apart and your brothers, my brother's going to be taken away. And you still, like you think it's bad enough right now. These are my dad is hurting Daniel bad enough that you'll be taken away. And you still won't give him to me. Like I was so frustrated so angry and so angry for her as well being like

How dare he hit you and then forbid you from telling Re therapist who's meant to be helping you guys and I knew he would be held accountable probably what Here's the thing she was also talking about feeling very frustrated because They wanted you in therapy to talk about like the issues and why, like you don't get along anymore. My father brought up my mother sending that letter to the church in Hawaii and how he could never trust her again

after that and she broke his trust and blah, blah, blah. They made my mother apologize to my father for doing that. Are you kidding me? Who made her apologize? The church? The therapists. The therapists. Okay, I should not call them therapists.

They were not therapists. Okay, church counselor. Yeah, Christian ministry for like marriage. Okay, they made your mom apologize for reporting your dad's abuse. And I don't know how they, how my father phrased it. I'm not 100% sure, but yeah, they made because my mother broke. And it was very much that thing of like,

you don't do that. And I was furious about that. So I've learned all of this. And then literally the next day, like the next morning, I have to leave. And like up until now, everyone's been telling me everything's fine, things don't feel fine,, everyone's been telling me everything's fine, things don't feel fine. But everyone's been telling me everything's fine.

My father apparently just liked my mother fucking face because I thought everything was great. And now my mother is sobbing, built over rocking because she has this premonition that things are gonna get so bad. And she somehow feels like it's just supposed to happen. Like she's not even saying like take him, say no. Him, she's just like this is what's gonna happen.

God's just preparing me to go through this. Wow. Yeah. And I at that point was like, oh God, like you literally told me you think things are bad enough that he'll be taken away and you still won't give him to me. Crap. Like wow.

Or, past one of the return. So I, and she said, don't, you can't tell anyone I'm telling you. It's like, he wouldn't let me tell anyone. And I'm like, you know, I'm even, I don't even know if I should be telling you this, but you know, she decided to tell me anyway. And so I have to go through the rest of the day, just stunned feeling like, I don't understand what's going on.

And this whole two weeks have been a time for us to all really like reconnect. It was the first time we'd been together for so long and like it was wonderful and it felt like everything was destroyed by that. And I remember the next morning I'm getting ready and everyone's super emotional. And I look over at my little sister Sarah is sitting on the steps to her house. Cring like she is in pain, bitterly crying. And I start crying and then my mom starts crying and her back has starts crying. And Hannah had gotten married.

And so I'd take a bite of her the night before and we both howled and then cried all the way home to the point where like I was like in the fetal position in my house or in my parents' house when I got back and like all the girls had like never seen, they'd never seen me cry before. Like they'd never seen me show any emotions and all of a sudden I was super emotional. And it was also interesting during that trip because everyone kept saying like, wow, you guys are just so nice.

You guys are so lovely. Like your relationship is so nice. Like it's so, you're so fun to be around and it was a crazier reminder of like, oh, like we're just being normal and y'all are so fucked up that you think that we are extraordinary because we're being nice to each other. So I walked away just feeling so much pain and whatnot and then my family starts bawling as I'm leaving and it wasn't like a, it was like painful, it felt like we had been like ripped from each other. And so I cry all the two hours to the airport.

My little brother comes with me because he has been like last shot to my side this entire time. Like he's been my little baby, this entire trip. And he came with me because he didn't want to say goodbye. So we drove all the way up those two hours. And we get out the car and he holds on to me. And I can tell he's crying, but he's like embarrassed that he's crying. So like he doesn't want to be his face. He, I think, was 10.

Yeah. And so he lets go and he's crying and trying to hide it. And then my dad hugs me goodbye. And my dad pulls away. And he has tears running down his face. And I've never seen my father cry before. And I don't, I've never seen him show emotions and he pulled away and he had tears rolling down his face and he looked so sad and so broken.

And I am just stuck in this like agony of being, I was so angry and frustrated and he lied to me and he hurt my mom and he hurt my siblings. And at the same time, he's hugging me goodbye and he's more distraught than I've ever seen him in my entire life. And he's showing more emotion and care towards me than he's ever done his entire life. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm walking away knowing like after my mom told me that, I was like, I told him what would happen the last time we talked. I told him that he kept doing this. I would not stay silent. I'm gonna have to do something. I don't know if he just had a sixth sense, but it felt like, I felt like he knew like

that was the last that was the last time I saw him. That was the last time I spoke to my father. I'm so sorry. But I hugged him goodbye and I don't know it just it felt like he knew that was it and that was the last time we were all together. I got into the airport and I think we had like a couple hours before our flights and Jake held me and I cried flights and Jake held me and I cried just like how my siblings were like impaying like I just sobbed and like to the point where like people around us are like what is happening and like I just I couldn't couldn't get over it was so painful and we got back from that holiday and I remember talking to my mother-in-law about it and her just being like that's not okay you have to say

something I was like I don't know what I don't know do. Like, it felt like it had been years of me building up this relationship. He came to graduation and then he messed up and I called him out and it was good. And then we had this holiday. And I found out it was all a lie. And then I see him like broken hearted that I'm leaving. And I didn't know what to do. so I didn't talk to him at all.

And he started messaging me a couple of months later, being like, hey, I miss you. I've been thinking about you. Like, it's really hard not having you guys here. And I didn't even respond because I was like, I feel like if I talk to you like nothing is wrong, I am betrayed by values and I'm betraying the people that I love. It's so I just that months like agonizing and I got to the point where I was like, I don't

know what else to do. I don't know how else to reach you. And I was still at that point. Like I should have just called the police. I don't know why I didn't call the police. But at that moment I felt like I still could reach and I felt like I still had, it was my duty to try to help him before hurting him.

And the only thing I could think to do was to be very blunt with him and basically hold my relationship over his head and say, like, you are dead to me until you figure this out until you prove that like you will protect our family like we're done and so I wrote him this massive letter broken hearted letter I've just been like you lied to me you've done this. Like I've lost all respect for you as a father. I love you. I love you so much. But you are so damaged and you are so messed up and you won't listen to me. And I've tried and you it's clear to me now that like none of what you've done to us matters enough for you to change. And I'm sorry, but you've gotten away with this

because we've been your family and because we had to talk to you and because you could control us. But if we were anyone else in the world, this relationship would not work. You could not treat anyone else like this and expect them to have a still, like being a relationship with you.

That's not how life works. The actual consequences for your actions. And I said, like, these are the consequences for your actions. I cannot be in a, have any type of relationship or contact with you while you were like this. It's not healthy for me and I can't do this anymore. You like sick like I'm blocking you and everything, like I'm deleting your number, like your dead to me.

If you wanna write me a letter, you can, but like you don't exist anymore. How did that feel? So sad. I mean, I knew I had to do it and I sent it and I just crumpled over the computer and bought, like, I felt like he died. And in a way, like, the father that I thought

was there did die because that father wasn't real. And I was finally accepting the reality of like what he was and that there wasn't any like thing left to like hold on to. And I called my mother-in-law after it happened and just like balled on the phone to her and she she was lovely and helped me through it. And I just it was in that moment of like just feeling like I'd lost a parent and needing some sort of parental love in that moment. Thankfully, I have a wonderful mother-in-law who was, he'll be there for me.

That's amazing. Yeah. So it was, I think I went into like, instant like grieving. And I didn't know what to do in regards to my father. And I think I went into instant grieving and I didn't know what to do in regards to my father and I think I put off doing anything because I was so much pain. And so I think there was two or three months after I came back that I didn't text him, I didn't call him. Before everything had happened that my mother had told me about, before I knew everything

my mother had told me about, it would have been like, if I didn't know that, I would have been like texting him every day and like we would have been like reconnected and everything would have been great. And so I know that he was like, what's going on? Why aren't you talking to me? And that freaked me out as well. And I felt awful because I didn't want him to feel bad, you know. And I'm still trying to protect him. I'm still feeling bad for his feelings. But inside I'm freaking out because I know I have to do something and I know either way,

like it's going to mess some dynamic up in my family. You know, it's going to, something's going to go bad. And I remember telling my mother-in-law when we got back and, you know, she encouraged me, she's like, you have to, you have to say something. So I did, I wrote that big letter and it took me a couple of months to really figure it out what I wanted to say or what needed to be said. And I think at that time, I still felt like everything they had told me was like after the fact, you know, and so vague in a way that like I couldn't have just called the police and said, hey, this is happening because they didn't really tell me what was happening. I didn't have any facts, I didn't have any times. I didn't have any dates. I don't think I was even mentally prepared at that moment to have called the police or to have tried to get that side of things

involved. Looking back, I wish I would have just done that right away, but I don't think I was mentally able to process that. It's also so much responsibility to put on you as even though you're an adult child of your parent, it's so much because like you said, you still want to protect them, even though they haven't prioritized protecting you. It's just like embedded in you when you love somebody, you don't want to hurt them, even though you've given this person so many chances I would imagine. Yeah and I think I I think I still thought there was a chance you know that I think it's

they could fix it. I think I still thought that there like I haven't I hadn't tried everything yet. I had to try everything I could before I did that. And so what I did was I cut my father off. And this was horrifically shocking to my family. I remember my mother, I guess, had read it on his Facebook, because she didn't have her own Facebook,

but she would use my father's a lot. And she had seen it and she had basically made him promise, not to read it until they got home. And I remember texting her and saying, like, hey, I don't know what he's gonna do. And I texted Hannah and being like, you may need to get out of the house because I'm telling him that I know what he did to you. And he told you not to tell anyone.

I don't know if he's going to hurt you. And she says, well, I had a vision and, you know, God told me it's going to be fine. And she wasn't, she didn't yell at me for doing it, but it wasn't exactly like, I could tell she was like, okay, why are you doing this? My sister even like, you're gonna break his heart. And I said, I know when I was crying and I said, he's been breaking my heart for like the past 13

years. And I don't know how to make him listen anymore. I don't know what else to do because he apparently either doesn't care or he doesn't believe me. It came from a space of, I don't know how else to make you listen. Maybe you'll listen to this, you know, maybe this will be a language that you understand. Take him seriously. Like, this is important. Yeah, definitely. And, you know, I think there's always a part of me that was like, well, maybe I know my father's messed up emotionally and maybe no one should ever call them out on his bullshit. And maybe if his daughter does and he realizes

that, you know, it's his lifestyle or his relationship with me, maybe I'll be enough to make him change, you know, stupid me for thinking that I mattered that much, but that was the hope. Yeah. Hi, I'm Lindsey Graham, the host of Wondery's podcast American Scandal. We bring to life some of the biggest controversies in US history, presidential lies, environmental disasters, corporate fraud. In our newest series, we look at the Kids for Cash Scandal,

a story about corruption inside America's system of juvenile justice. In Northeastern Pennsylvania, residents had begun noticing an alarming trend. Children were being sent away to jail in high numbers, and often for committing only minor offenses. The FBI began looking at two local judges, and when the full picture emerged, it made national headlines. The judges were earning a fortune, carrying out a brazen criminal scheme, one that would shatter the lives of countless children and force a heated debate about punishment

and America's criminal justice system. Follow American scandal wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen ad-free on the Amazon Music or Wonder App. Did he write you back? So what I basically blocked my mind and everything, and I said if you want to get a hold of me, like you'll have to write me a letter because you're not going to have any other contact with me. Gotcha.

And yeah, apparently my sister said that they thought he was going to like be really angry but when it happened, he basically just like locked himself in the room for the afternoon and like started listening to like my favorite music from when I, before I had left. And that broke me as well, because I know he did, however messed up he was, I know he did have a true emotional reaction to it. And nothing happens. I think for the first couple of months,

it was just in shock that I had even done that and it was super freaked out. And my mom was like, yeah, no, it's fine. And it's really good and said that your dad's, like, I think he's like really listening. And that was also around the time where she said that she was having these visions that the black spirit had left my father and that he was now

truly able to listen. And a couple of months went past me, got to Christmas. And this would be my first Christmas without my father in my life. And that meant that I couldn't call my family on Christmas because they all, you know, he controlled the household. And I couldn't have a family Christmas call. Like I think I had, I spoke to some people, but it was them like on a phone hiding in a

bedroom talking to me. And that was really rough, really hard. And then I got a message from my mom that said, like, hey, dad's left you a prezi. I was like, what? And I looked in my bank account, and he'd put like 100 pounds in my bank account for Christmas. And he used to do that sometimes when they had money, because it cost a lot to ship stuff.

And I was so stunned and freaked out by it. I mean, one, because this is the first interaction he's had in probably the three months that I've cut him out of my life. And two, it's money. And after, like, I think I got to a stage where I was big enough to where I could defend myself if he did physically attack me, money was how he controlled me. And I felt instantly at need of like, oh, I have to say thank you. Or, or I have to like write a letter. And I felt instantly at need of like, Oh, I have to say thank you. Or, or I have to like write a letter. And I like, I felt like he was forcing me to interact with him.

And I was so frustrated. I spoke to my mom and I was like, Why, I don't understand. Like, why would he do this? And she said, Well, you know, he was really, you know, he didn't really want to. And he was, you know, frustrated. And I, you know, I sat him down and I said, she's still your daughter. And she doesn't just stop being your daughter because she's acting in a way that you don't like. And so he gave you the money. And I was so angry. I was like, I'm sorry.

You coerced him into giving me money. I don't want anything from him. I don't want to owe him. I don't want any interaction with him. And like, oh, I'm supposed to be grateful because you convinced him that even though I'm being a shitty kid that, you know, he should still somehow take care of me. I'm so angry on both levels. It's amazing how the reason for the boundary gets completely lost. And people sometimes act like holding a boundary is holding a grudge. I don't know where I ever heard that the first time,

but when I read it the first time, I was like, that is so accurate. Like, it's not fair to make the person who's been harmed feel bad about holding their boundaries. They deserve them. Well, and I felt, I mean, my mom had always, my own mom has always been a manipulator and a controller. And she, I think, felt bad that my dad wasn't doing this.

And so she basically made him do it. And so, of course, on one hand, it's like, well, great. He's given me something, again, another thing that he didn't necessarily want to. But then, on the other hand, stay the hell out of my life, woman. And I think it was around that same time, we had several different conversations. And I talked to my mom a lot around that time. I don't know if this was intentional in her part, but it felt like we

got closer after this happened and we spoke more. And I don't know if that was like her just trying to like keep the tabs on me because she felt like I was going off the deep end. I honestly don't, at this point, I don't know, and I wouldn't put it past her. At this point was she ever saying, like, please don't ever tell anyone or anything like that? Nope, I think she knew better than to say anything like that to me. And I think I was very looking back, very kind

and very diplomatic. And I think she saw as me just trying to make him understand. And she even said, she said, you know, when this first happened, I didn't understand why you were acting like this, but God showed me that, you know, you did this for me and you did this for us to protect me and you did this out of respect for me. And this is the first time she'd like openly validated me for what I did. And the other hand, I was like, wait, God had to tell you that what I did was okay.

Like, I called him an alcoholic beating you. And you weren't okay with that but then apparently God somehow like said that it was okay that you did it out of respect for me and now it's okay. Like I just felt so frustrated because I think she had kind of acted like she kind of understood or kind of like was on board like we were on the same page. You know like she couldn't necessarily do anything about it, but I had I stepped in. I was trying to protect her and she was only now just kind of realizing it.

And then I was like, well, what the hell did you think was going on the whole time? Why were you acting like everything was cool then? If you clearly had issues with what I did, which, you know, again, makes me think that she did have a lot of issues and was trying to keep tabs on me. So that went on for a long time. And I kept talking to my therapist about it and being like, I don't know. And for a while, I felt this intense pressure to like, well, I have to maybe at least send him a card saying thank you for the money.

And I just really didn't want to do it. And I was fighting it. And it was this whole thing of like, well, I just need to put it off. I'm just not ready to that yet. You know, I know I have to, but I'm not ready. And my therapist was like, why? Why do you have to? I was like, I don't, I don't know. She was like, you don't have to do anything. I was like, you are right. So then I was like, okay, screw it. No, I, I didn't ask for this. I mean, I was very clear about my intentions and the boundaries I was setting. And if he decided to do something to interact, that's on him. It's not my job to go up and say, thank you for giving me this money,

even though you clearly have disrespected everything. I have the one thing I asked you for, you know, part of what happened here was that it really felt like my mom was taking their situation very seriously and everyone else was. And it felt like the girls for the first time, I had verbally said I wasn't okay with what was going on. And I was physically taking steps to hold our father accountable. And I think the other girls saw that and were like, yeah, yeah.

And so the way my mother reported it to me was that everyone was doing so much better. And your father really, starting to connect with your brother and he's really taking it seriously. He's been doing a lot of like sinking and soul searching and there would be times where I don't know. Stuff just seemed off or just like a little too good or I just felt like I wasn't getting like the picture. Like something just fell off and I would hear like little snippets of stuff. And for the most part, it was fine

until I had a conversation with my brother. And he said something about getting into a fight with my father. And I said, that's not OK. He's like, yeah, I know what, you know, I was doing this. And I said, Daniel, that is not okay. What he did to you. And I said, like, he didn't just do it to you. He did it to me too. And like, our siblings, and I began telling my brother of stuff that had happened to us. And I don't think anyone had ever told him that. And he lost his mind. Like, he was furious.

And apparently, like, stormed down and confronted my dad about that. Like he was furious and apparently stormed down and confronted my dad about that. And it was he at this time. This was two years ago, so he would have been 12. Apparently after that, I couldn't get him on the phone for a while and I was informed by my mother that I had broken my father's trust and that Daniel had flipped out and stormed. And like I had broken my father's trust and that Daniel had flipped

out and stormed. And like, I had hurt, I had broken my father's heart by like telling Daniel stories of stuff that had happened a long time ago and stuff that my father had already apologized for and that, you know, that whole thing of like, it's gone and forgotten. And we don't talk about it anymore. And so yeah, after that, my mother basically said, like, you can't talk to your brother anymore unless your father's in the room listening to what you guys are saying Wow

And she was like, you know, you just I think you just need to talk to you your father about it or you know You you can talk to Daniel by yourself, but you then you know, you just need to call Your dad and explain what you said and like you know, that's okay But dad just needs to know what's going on and like went backwards and explain what you said. And like, you know, that's okay, but dad just needs to know what's going on. And like went backwards and forwards. And I said, no, like I'm not talking to him. Like what? He's like, you broken your father's trust. I didn't know we had any trust. I didn't know I, you know, I owed him this thing. And apparently my brother was told that I was no longer allowed to talk to him or I wasn't allowed to talk to him, or I wasn't allowed to talk to him, and I asked my siblings to let him know what had happened, and I wasn't

ignoring him, but mom literally wasn't letting him talk to me. And the way it was presented to him, whether they meant to or not, it was presented as Rachel had a choice to keep talking to you and talk to dad and she chose not to. So she's chosen not to speak to you anymore. Gross. Which is horrifically different and I don't think this person meant it to come across that way, but that's how it came out. And I was told that like, you know, Daniel is broken-hearted, freaking out that he went

through the house and destroyed any pictures he could find of me. And at the time, I wasn't told exactly what had been said. I was just told that, you know, the person I had asked to let him know why I wasn't able to speak with him anymore said that, you know, he was just really broken hearted. And I might write him like, well, you know, maybe he just, it's really hard for him to see my face. No, he can't talk to me like I get it. I wasn like, well, you know, maybe he just, it's really hard for him to see my face. No, he can't talk to me like I get it. I wasn't like freaked out by it.

And then I found out later, no, he'd literally been told that I had chosen not to speak to him anymore. And he felt like I had been at the gym. Or maybe him. And throughout this time, my mother continually is pressuring me to talk to my father. Rachel, his heart is open now that black thing is gone, the black spirit's gone. You need to talk with him. You need to give him a chance. You can't hold him accountable for these things and not even talk to him and

got to the point where she made a comment about it's not fair and Daniel. He's only 12. How can you do this to him? And I lost that was the real turning point with my mother where I no longer saw her as an ally in the situation or even like a no longer saw her as a neutral party who was just there. I was like, Oh, you are actively working against me. You were actively working against your kids. You are not safe anymore. Like you, I can't trust you. I can't trust you. I can't trust you I can't trust anything that like I say to you won't go straight to dad Doing the work of the abuser. Yes, and she was literally like your brother You know, it's not fair. I'm telling you your brother's so sad blah blah blah. And I said that's not me doing that like you're Keep it up and she's like well, no, you're the one who's like made the choice and you know

You need to talk with your father and And I was like, you are forcing me to like break my boundaries and talk to the person that I am terrified. I can't even hear his voice. There would be times where like he knew people were talking to me and he would come into the room and talk loudly. And I could hear his voice and I would like panic. Like I would shut down. Um, isn't it amazing how when you get distance? Oh, like those things just become so clear as day like that? I don't understand why it took me so long to realize how shitty my mother was. And I think it's because I was so used to her being

so shitty our entire life and just being so implicit. And this was around the time I was like, I feel like I truly saw him focus. I was like, oh, you're not even trying to protect dad. You have this idea in your mind that God has called you and your husband together and you two have to be together in order for this thing to happen. You are trying to protect this promise of a life that you want. You don't, this isn't even about protecting dad or protecting us.

This is about you and what you need your life to be. And it was like, well, this is between, you know, him and he is making changes against the age of thing of like my dad did that whole thing of like trying to act better. And he would act better for a little bit, but nothing would actually change. But because my mother had now decided that this black evil spirit had gone in her brain, well, it's, you know, it know, it's different this time. You just don't understand. You're just not here, you know, I know you don't believe in this Rachel, but I'm telling you it's true. And do you think she really believed it or do you think it was another manipulation?

I think she believed it because that was how she made sense of her story in her brain. Of I believe that me and my husband are supposed to be together so that we can do this thing. Like God has called us to like this, have this like great impact on the world. And so there has to be a reason why my husband is acting like this and it's a demon. Well now that that demon is gone so we can go back to like how we were. Like you know, she was gaslight in herself into like, you know, she created a world in which everything around her made sense like that. And everything to her was the devil or demons.

Like I remember she made this comment once about my brother acting up around a certain guy that would come to their church and it was because there was a spirit around him. And I knew it was a spirit because anytime he's around Daniel Axisway and I was like, I don't, I think he's maybe just this and I was given all these explanations and I felt like she was listening to me and I was trying to get her to understand like helping Daniel to process things emotionally

and building his emotional intelligence and I felt like we made some great headway there. And she was really listening to me. And I think she was and like wanted to in some ways. But then like that age old thing of when push came to shove she needed to believe in her fantasy. You know, like I've heard world didn't make sense anymore. Like she, her sanity would be gone. Make it make sense. It had to. Yeah, the truth is to her, if it got her wise. I don't think she is able to live with the thought of the reality of her facilitating and enabling the abuse of us.

I don't think she can physically live with that idea. I think she has created this world in her brain, where that's not the case. So after you had that conversation with her, where you were finally like, no, what was her response? Well, that was multiple conversations where it went backwards and forwards until finally, when she blamed me for my brother, my brother's behavior and his emotional pain that he was going through and she put that on me, I was done. I was like, I'm done with you. I said, you know, you are physically hurting me.

You were trying to hurt me. You were going out of your way to not take responsibility. And like basically like, I'm sorry, we're done. We are done. I don't think I blocked her at first. I think I just been like, nope. And then she kept texting me and kept sending me these things. And it got to the point where I was like, oh, if I don't physically remove her capability, she will keep sending me nasty messages that make me feel like shit.

Like, that's the only way to protect myself is to literally take away her ability to text me. And so that's what they did. And so I think after that, I considered them as hostiles, and they considered me as hostiles, and everything got real shut down. And this whole time, I think I've been told, you know, things are getting so much better, and there's so much hope in this. And kind of, I think maybe a year, year and a half.

So I forgot to mention this part. So the first Christmas I was given money, and I really freaked out. The second Christmas, we were moving, it was super stressful, I was busy, and we were at a new, we're staying at a friend's house. And one day, we were running out the door, and I think it was before Christmas, yeah,

it was before Christmas. And we were running out the door and I was like, oh, this came in the mail for you. And I was like, oh, this is weird. And it had like a British stamp on it. So I thought, oh, maybe it's my grandma, whatever. And so I ripped it open. And I'm halfway through a reading it before I realize it's a letter for my father. And this is like a year and a half, a year and three months Since I wrote him that letter and he's finally written me something back And I am like and this is after you've broken off your relationship with your mom. This is before. Okay, so this is before So I think everything that was going on went on for almost two to two years before I fully shut off from my mother as well.

Because it wasn't until late last year that I fully shut off from her. So, he wrote me a letter and he said, you know, I got your letter and it was very hard for me to read. And, you know, I want you to know that, like, things are great with me and your mom. And we've gone to, you know, we, I'll have, you know, we went to that couples counseling, like three times and we tried really hard and I know we can't turn back time, but like, I really want to have a relationship with you and please forgive me and blah, blah, blah, blah. And my husband was like, oh my God.

Wow. Cause I had said, you know, I doubt who even write me a letter. Like, I highly doubt he would even like, stoop to write me a letter. Like at this point, I had given up, but he had finally written me a letter. Like a highly doubt he would even like stoop to write me a letter. Like at this point I had given up, but he had finally written me a letter and it was like meant to be this good thing. And even in my like the minute I like saw it, I just felt like dead inside.

Like I hadn't even read it yet and I just felt like, oh no, like I don't wanna be confronted with this. I actually don't wanna deal with this person. And so I kind of just really hastily read it and I think was so freaked out. And I think my husband was like, this is so great. And then saw my reaction was like, oh no, like, uh oh.

Okay, we'll talk about this later. And so I like put it down. We ran out, went out for the day and I came back and I read it again. And when I first read it, it felt weird to me and I felt irritated by it. And I went back and read it. And his was like, even the first words were like,

I got your letter and I read all the things you said and it was really hard for me to read that. And I was like, oh, even like the first thing you have to say is that it was really hard for me to have to deal with that. Me actually calling you out and telling you how much you hurt me was really hard for you. And I had talked about everything he had done with, done to me and I had talked about my mom

because that was a specific example I had. And he didn't address that. He was like me and your mom are doing really great right now. I'm happy. And I was like I don't care how you and mom are. Frankly, how and your mom are doing really great right now. I'll have you know. And I was like, I don't care how you and mom are. Frankly, like how you and mom are right now is a very little consequence to me in this moment. This isn't about you and mom.

This is about me and you. The more I read it, the more it seemed like he was making excuses and pushing it off. And I was like, even in your attempts to reconnect with me, you are still so narcissistic and so dangerous. Like even if you aren't physically dangerous to me, you are dangerous to my mental health. And it's still manipulation in the letter to be like, it was so hard for me to read. Are we fucking talking about you right now? Like as a parent? Are you kidding me? No, you're wrong. Who's the kid here? Who's the, like, who is supposed to take care of who here?

Exactly. That doesn't sound like a parent to me. Exactly. My mother was so, I mean, I think she was like, what did you get the letter? You know, like, she knew it'd been sent and she was like, easily waiting for me to get it. And, you know, are you going to respond?

And, you know, I think for a while, it was like, oh, I have to respond. You know, I told him to write me a letter. And he's done what I've asked him to. And now balls back in my court. And I felt so pressured by this and so stressed and so freaked out for the longest time. And again, it took way longer than it should have.

But eventually, I was like, well, I don't actually owe him anything. I don't owe him a response. I said he could write me a letter if he wanted to talk to me. I never said I would reply. In fact, I specifically said you can write me if you want, but I don't know if I will reply. And he still doesn't sound like he understands anything.

And I was so, I felt like his letter trying to make things right between us brought up so much more anger and hurt. And I definitely was in a spot where I was like, I don't have the strength to go through this with you. Like I don't have the mental bandwidth to try and go through this with you. So I just did not reply. So I had that conversation with my brother. And that's what my mother would use against me. Well your father wrote you a response that you didn't respond.. You need to have it hash it out with him and really go through things before you can talk

to your brother. You owe him that. That's your responsibility. But they made it seem very much like, you need to game back your father's trust. And like the Bible says that if you have an issue with someone, you need to talk to them. And so you should be talking to your brother about it. You should be talking directly to him about it.

And I'm like, will you have an even like very much. And that was when it kept going backwards and forwards. And I was like, okay, something is really wrong here. And so I, I mean, I was very blown with her. I said, I don't think, I said, I think you were very clearly hurting my brother. And I don't think you're holding my father accountable for this. And I am telling you now, like you do not want to make an enemy out of me. Like you were trying to bully me into something and it's not going to work and you better stop. Because if you don't, you're declaring war. And I'm not going to lose. Like you are not going to win this fight.

Like do you understand what you are doing right now? And the response was just so like, you can't talk to us like that. And you know, it's not your call. And just very much just like, okay, there's nothing here. I said, we are done. I said, you have proven to me that not only is not only, I mean, is dad not a safe person to have relationship, you are not a safe person to have a relationship. You have not respected my wishes. You in fact keep pressuring me and trying to put me in a situation that is dangerous for me. And you don't care. I was like, I will not allow people who are trying to,

who will end up damaging me in my life anymore. And you have become one of those people. Yes. How do you feel? Well, furious in the moment, but that's how I like my power, you know, especially dealing with people who do hold so much power over me.

Fury and rage and anger is like what allows me to like say that stuff in the moment, you know, and there's definitely emotional like going back like I was so broken, over the fact that I have to say that to her and that she tried to make me do that. But in the moment like the rage is what, you know, it may be brave. You told her that and then she's instead of respecting that and giving you space, continued texting insults, basically, at you. Well, not blatant insults,

but very much manipulation control and trying to explain, you know, like why my dad deserved a second chance and how I was in the wrong. And just very like emotionally taxing and just would not let up. And this is like the mother, or the woman that, you know, we called the Holy Spirit,

the woman that would badge her my father and chase chasing from room to room until he literally broke. That was the woman that was I was facing right now and I was like oh my goodness okay and so I blocked her I said like we're done like you won't leave me alone. I like I'm blocking you like until this is like fixed like no. Things got of course real quiet after that but. Things got, of course, real quiet after that, but I think the more noise I made, the more my siblings began to quietly make noise as well, and the more I began to kind of like reconnect more with them. My sister, Rebecca, started to move out and had a little bit more freedom and Sarah even definitely was getting older and had her own thoughts and own feelings. And I remember one time talking with Sarah and she was just furious and said that,

like, I'm so stressed, I'm so anxious. And like, they don't believe that I try to tell them, like, you know, I have anxiety and they tell me that I'm making it up. And basically, my mother told her that she was developing anxiety because she had been listening to me talking about my depression and how that wasn't real But because they listened to me that they had let the devil in and now the devil was attacking her with a spirit of anxiety And that you know, it was because she listened to me and like the crap I was telling her And I was like, oh, okay, this entire time That before I cut my mother off I was very open about my mental health and therapy and how it was going and she was so supportive, so supportive.

And I thought, man, this is amazing. Like, I'm explaining what we're doing in therapy and she's talking about how cool it is. Then I realized behind my back, she's openly telling my siblings that I have let the devil into my life. And that's why I'm dealing with all of these mental health issues, not because of my upbringing or not because of anything else. And then when my sister tries to tell her that she too is dealing with anxiety and can't handle stuff, she's telling her that it's her own fault for listening to me and that I'm, you know, letting the devil in. And that's wow. I lost it. And I think I actually ended up texting Hannah and being like, dude, like this is insane. I don't think they're safe. I know something's going to go down. I said, if it does, I'm going to try a get custody of Daniel. And her response was like, whoa, my goodness, that's a bit harsh, don't you think? And I was like, yeah, can you honestly like look at me and say that you believe that they

will do what's best for Daniel and put him above themselves and she said, no, I said, Hannah, and she was like, I know, I know, I just, I don't know what to do. And how old were your other sisters at this point? Like, because Hannah got married, so she's clearly an adult. Yeah. And Rebecca was moving out. So I'm assuming she was over 18 at this point, like because Hannah got married, so she's clearly an adult. Yeah. And Rebecca was moving out, so I'm assuming she was over 18 at this point. Yes. And Sarah was, I think, 17, turning 17. Okay.

Where Daniel's like 13 at this point. Yeah. And they were very much, my parents, you know, they were all doing this homeschool stuff. And not only is it just the curriculum is awful, but it is so janky that it's not really recognized by the colleges in America, sorry, in Scotland. So even if my sister wanted to go to normal school, like if they looked at her curriculum, they'd be like, well, we don't know where to put you. So we're going to have to move you like three or four years back. And she was like, well, I can't do that? And so she felt like she was forced to like stay at home because she couldn't

She couldn't leave in work full time because she didn't have an education, but she couldn't go to an actual school and get one So she was forced to stay with my parents and It just felt like things were ramping up and ramping up. She told me that you know She's like, I'm so stressed out and I feel like at any moment, I'm going to have to like quit everything to take care of Daniel. And that was a weird moment for me because Sarah's our youngest sibling, you know, and I have felt like my entire life that I had to be in a safe space. Like I had to quickly get my life in order because I didn't know when I was going to have to like leave everything to look after my siblings. You know, like I had to be stable. I didn't realize that every single one of my sisters

felt the exact same way to the point where my 18 year old sister was stressing out about getting her life in order so that she could be a parent to my brother if she needed to be. And I think that was truly a part where I was like, oh, it's not just me. And it wasn't just because things were crazy in Shen up. Oh dear, I raised my brother, but Sarah went on to basically raise him the rest of the way. I mean, Hannah definitely as well, but Sarah and Rebecca were left with him alone. Like, whenever, like my parents would go to Israel and leave them and he would, they would look after him and Sarah would be, you know, the one cooking and taking care of everyone. Like, she

basically carried everyone. So I have this conversation with Hannah. I felt like when she spoke to me that she thought I was crazy or that she thought I was not thinking clearly or that I clearly didn't know what was going on, but it just felt weird. After I said that to her, like you know they're not safe, like come on. And she said, well, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but something happened and social services are involved. And I was like, what? Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm telling you that I think our parents are like dangerous and not good for my brother and you're telling me that I am being harsh and overreacting. And then in the next breath, you say, well, they told me not to tell you because you'd freak out but social services is involved With Daniel or with yes, with Daniel Did he target Daniel physically with his abuse more than the Sarah and Rebecca? Yes, it was definitely spread out But for them, you know, the girls were older and would get

out of Dad's way. Daniel is a child. The girls could go out with friends and stuff. Daniel don't have anyone. Oh my God. Okay. So Hannah tells you this. Yes. About social services. Yes. Somebody called report. So I'm trying to figure out what's going on. I'm also trying to play it cool because I don't want to like scream at her. So it goes backwards and forwards. And like I ask Sarah and Rebecca trying to figure out what's going on. But at the same time, I felt like I couldn't even like bother them for details because everyone was so stressed out and freaked out about it. Like, and I like get it. Like when you're in the middle of that, you're so traumatized by it. That's happening. It's really hard to deal with it.

And so in a way, I knew what they were going through and so I didn't push them. And so I was kind of just like we lean away for information for months. And it was like, well, things are good. And they're having one-on-ones with social workers, but Daniel won't tell them anything. And I'm like, well, why?

I'm like, well, they're interviewing them all together. Why are they interviewing Daniel with our parents? I don't understand. What is happening? I can't. I don't know. Did they know who had reported them to social services? So. Sorry. I'm my jumping ahead. Well, here's the thing.

These are all the questions I have. And I was like, just, just, just, just, nobody could give you the answers. Not making sense. Just something is just off. I don't understand what, but something is off. And, and so I even asked the Sarah, like, you know, why did they, you know, did they really tell you

not to tell me anything? Well, they said they didn't want to worry you. And it was that whole thing of like, well, don't tell Rachel because, you know, she really loves Daniel. and she's so stressed out and worried about Daniel, you'll just really freak her out. What I found out months later, my brother had tried to kill himself by jumping out of a second story window. And the only reason he has a life's days because Sarah saw him grabbed him by his jeans and dragged him back inside. Next time.

My mom was in the car in the passenger seat and started like freaking out, rocking backwards and forwards and hitting her head off the dash. You hurt my siblings. You're starting a war, you won't win. I'm not threatening you and promising you. All of this is happening. Like as my family has been like ripped apart, and my parents are arrested, I am also in their emergency room for hours.

Something was wrong is produced and hosted by me, Tiffany Reese. Music on this episode from Glad Rags. Check out their album, Wonder Under. If you'd like to help support the growth of something was wrong, you can help by leaving a positive review, sharing the podcast with your family, friends, and followers, and support at patreon.com slash something was wrong. Something was wrong and now has a free virtual survivor support forum at something was wrong. Something was wrong and now has a free virtual survivor support forum.

At somethingwaswrong.com. You can remain as anonymous as you need. Thank you so much for listening. You think you know me, you't know me, don't know me You think you know me, don't know me well You think you know me, don't know me well Let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, let it fall, it fall, let it fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, let it fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, fall, let it fall, fall, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Until you turn to turn to turn to turn Hey, Prime Members! You can listen to something was wrong, early and ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the app today.

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