Spitballers Comedy Podcast - A Balding Constellation & A State Animal Battle Royale - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

Spit Hit for Jan 6th, 2025: On today’s show, Jason explains why unlimited free Starbucks would be a curse to him. We also talk about a big guy in the sky (who is losing his hair) and play some ‘Man of the People’ before heading back into the Colosseum for a battle royale of official state animals. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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Algoma University is a publicly funded university in Canada. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Okay. There are no words in that roar. Oh, that was one continuous roar. Yeah. Let's go with that. Mike, the flow is a roar flow. I mean, it was abrasive. I w that'll take, uh, well the claws were out. Yeah. I like that you did the monster hands for those watching along.

He did. He did put them out. Arrrrrrr. You know, I didn't even know what I was doing. I was letting the inner animal come out. Yeah, well, I mean, you're trying to stick with our theme. Today we are drafting... Well, we're back in the Battle Royale territory.

It's been too long. It's been too long and we're drafting the state animal battle royale on today's show. That'll be our draft at the end of the episode. We have man of the people back on the show today. I can't wait to have a dominating lead, only to be defeated by one of you in the end. It's my favorite part. And would you rather on the show today as well,

thank you for joining us. Appreciate everyone here, including Al Borlain, who is in the building. That's so kind. Yeah, I appreciate you. Yeah. Who will be in the Gladiator Arena at the end of the show. With all of the animals. And we'll see what happens. Kind of like the ringmaster. So he's going to come out into the Coliseum take center stage Yeah, and while he's there we really we release our animal really stand and then we I think he'll be okay

Yeah, these are wild push-ups and he does and I imagine he'll just start singing greatest showman style. Yeah This is the great Blah Blah Blah Blah AHHHHH SOMEONE HELP ME It's not a good show It's terrible Add Spitballers Pod on Twitter Thank you for listening. If you want to be our best friend in the world You can review the show on Apple Podcasts

or over on Spotify Click that follow button Tell your friends about the show. If you want to make their lives happier and we'll get it going. Would you rather? Stevie from the website, would you rather have to roll your eyes every time somebody tells you something or have to sigh heavily every time you're asked the question. Man, this is this is uh this is brutal. I do think a lot of times those go together. A lot of times when

you're doing the sigh, you're making the eye roll but we gotta separate these so we understand the nuance of just an eye roll or just a sigh the eye roll says Your response was stupid The sigh says your question was stupid Or a waste of my time or I'm it's a sign of impatience right the sign is like The side feels what do you want? What do you want the side feels more aggressive to me. It feels like I am looking down upon you more. Like I've rolled my eyes at someone for something they've said when I found it silly or like, Oh man, you, you're so gullible or whatever.

It can be playful. The sigh is like, it's always a downward upset you're an idiot I am so much smarter or better than you I don't think there is a way to play it off just going let me ask you this Mike yes you're in a situation where an eye roll or a sigh is the response you'd like to give somebody which is more difficult for you to suppress. Hmm. So you just in real life?

Yeah, in real life because I'm trying to figure out if the difficulty in suppressing it shows which is worse. Like if you ever, like you really want to give an eye roll but you suppress it or you really want to sigh. I think an eye rolls, harder. To suppress? Yeah, it's just a physical thing of you just naturally do it. Yeah, sigh you can kind of exhale quietly.

Yes, you can and you can kind of catch yourself doing it and change it into something else. Like a... True, true. Sorry, I was clearing my throat. Ah, true! Great question, great, great question. Where the eye roll, once the eye roll begins, there's no, it's done, it's been fully executed.

You can't do like, oh, oh, oh, there's something in my eye! Well, I mean, that's how you would have to play it off. Right. What if there's something on the ceiling? Great question. Something on the ceiling you're looking at? Yeah.

Oh, whoa, did you see that up there? There's bats now there is That's do you have a bat in your house? There is nuance. I really did. I saw that it was up there There's there's nuance here Because this is you have to roll your eyes every every time someone tells you something. Okay, so they're just telling you any story They're telling you what happened. Your wife is sharing just some information. Dreams, whatever. You're rolling your eyes at it. But the sigh heavily is only when you're asked a question. So if your wife says-

Less frequently. If your wife says, we're going to a birthday party on Saturday- You roll your eyes. I would have to roll my eyes. If I pick the exhale, the sigh, I can choose not to do it. Which I would still do it. I mean, to be fair, I would do it, but I could do it. You would do an eye roll and sigh. Yes.

If you sigh heavily every time you're asked a question, but you keep yourself so busy that the sigh seems justifiable, is that an escape? You're running in place? You're always being interrupted no matter what. No, you're always out of breath. Yeah, I look I think the eye roll The eye rolls the one I don't want so I'm gonna go with the side. Well, what's right? The answer to this question is easiest to answer like a maze in reverse. Okay? Okay.

Also, pro tip, if you're doing like a maze on paper, start at the end. It's super easy to complete that maze. It's just one path. He's not wrong. It's a little cheat code to life, but which one feels worse to receive? Like if you're... Do you get more upset if someone exhales or do you get more upset if someone rolls their eye? And as I say this out loud, I know which one is worse.

I don't know. To me it's the eye roll. Yeah, it's the eye roll. They're both really bad. They're both really bad. Both awful. Like I wanna punch you in the face if I get that. But an eye roll is like breathing is part

of what you're doing already. So you're just kinda adding to your, the eye roll is I'm going out of my way to show you physically what a dumb dumb you are and it really feels Insensitive so I will yeah, that's my final answer as well. Yeah, sure Rusty from patreon Would you rather have a constellation of your face that is named after you fixed in the night sky every night? of your face that is named after you, fixed in the night sky every night. Okay, so every night people look up, they see your face. Or have a holiday celebrated in your honor

on the closest Friday to your birthday, where everybody gets the day off work. So the whole country gets a day off of work because of your birthday approaching. This is literally like, what do you got Friday off for? Oh yeah, that's Jason's birthday. What, no, the constellation, is this the nonsense This is literally like, what do you got Friday off for? Oh yeah, that's Jason's birthday. What? No, the constellation.

Is this the nonsense like the current constellation? No, no, no, no, no, no. Like the Greek constellations where they're like, hey, it's the guy shooting the arrow, and you're like, no, it's not. That's Orion's belt. Which ones? You can kind of see one of them.

That's the buckle. No, this is like. I see so many belts in of this is amazing clear and obvious This is you can't look up there and see a face you look up there and see Mike's face. This is the Mike right constellation. I mean it just looks a lot You're thinking it's like too much pressure. Yeah Look, we all do you all want some respect and adoration around, you know from peers and for people but free Your face is like, you know, not a photographic quality, but you can tell that that's your face

Beaming here. The thing is if that's there if it's up there in the sky Everyone gets used to it, right? We only think one moon is normal because we've always had that moon there. If there were 10 moons since you were born, it's 10 moons. But the moon often looks cool. What I'm saying is that I don't think I want the one that like...

Oh, Mike's beaming tonight. Oh, you're saying there are days when the constellation looks a little nicer Yeah, it's like it's a man. The clouds are covering Mike's face again. It's a clear sky and The stars are extra bright tonight. Hey, aren't you that guy from the sky would be Big fan would you recognize me? From such things as the sky You may recognize me from such things as the sky. This is a really funny question.

Would you be the most famous person on the planet? Because that's global, right? It doesn't matter. No, in hemisphere. In hemisphere, there's some constellations that you... Wait a minute, there's constellations that I can't see from... Yeah, you can't see the Southern Cross where we are. For real?

Yeah. Breaking news. I cannot see constellations from the entire globe. Some of them. I don't know if that's if it's all of them. But there are like the Southern Cross is a southern hemisphere only constellation. Wow. Wow. So here's the thing. Would you feel a pressure to not shave your beard? Yeah. I mean you're well in the constellation or is it not or is the constellation adapt, I mean, you're- Well, is it in the constellation or is it not? Or does the constellation adapt? Just whatever, like-

However you look, the stars are- So it's like, if I wore glasses that day, my constellation would have glasses. That means over the last 20 years, my constellation has grown. It's gotten a little rounder. Pretty cool. You see the way that these stars are expanding. The night is a little more lit up than it used to be I

Can see everything? Sir additional stars well the stars on the very top and started to go away, so Be okay, you know they're just dropping down Yeah, the hair just shoots off. Everyday, bing, bing. The other one, I mean the Friday off is great, but I do feel like, look there's a lot of days people get off. Does that magic get lost too or is it just?

Yes. I mean is there going gonna be a whole set of greeting cards from from Hallmark that people are handing out around Jason's birthday don't think so I don't think there's President's Day cards okay you know we get the holiday off you don't think there's some like I don't believe that Hallmark happy President's Day nope I don't think so that's yeah that would be a weird card to get. That would be super weird

Yeah, there's not enough like rows on the card aisle to have every card. There really isn't a benefit to having your face in the sky other than the amazing novelty. It's so cool. There's no actual benefit. Can you play that off to something? Like, could you? I'm going to make plenty of money. You think so? Yes, I'm gonna have a bunch of books

if I'm the face in the sky. People will probably. No, are you gonna write this as like. No, hold on, hold on. He's going religious leader here. I was gonna say, if I'm in the sky, there's no way there aren't people that think I am. Oh, you have followers for sure.

I have followers. Yeah. Yeah. And not just on Instagram. You're a dean. No, no, you like sleeping on your lawn. I will be able to go up to people and tell them to do things and then when they say no, I will point. Yeah.

And I'll say, I'm sure about that. And then they'll say, let us carry you on our shoulders Would your children respect you more would they think like you could just tell them? I mean from the time they're a baby. You just let them know. I'm always Watching from the sky a real Mufasa situation. Yeah I mean all of all of that fun aside That's a benefit to me give it But it could also become a curse pretty quickly having your birthday off

For yourself if this was you just get your birthday off Every single year for your whole life, and you don't have to work that No, Friday. It's the closest Friday. Oh wait It's the closest Friday doesn't happen wait. It's the closest Friday? It doesn't happen to be on my birthday, but it's more my birthday. I mean, if your birthday is on Friday that year, yeah. All right. But my point is everyone in the world gets this.

No, it's cool. It isn't as cool. It's definitely not as cool. Because I would want- What happens with your birthdays on Saturday or Sunday? Then you don't get nothing off. Well, then it goes to Monday. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I mean, we're still following. Yeah. These benefits are overwhelming here, but I, I'm going to, I'm going to be a giver with this and I'm going to take the holiday for everybody. I'll be the deity. Go ahead. Mike. I give light. Yeah. With my face. I was shocked. I thought for sure based on this question and how these normally go, I thought these would be exact ops. I thought I'm taking the guy and you guys are giving something nice to others Jenny from patreon would you rather have unlimited free coffee wherever you go including the fancy lattes etc or unlimited free adult beverages wherever you go okay let me tell you something about coffee yeah it sucks now I like coffee I have coffee

from time to time it's not not that good. It's really not interesting. Is it really kind of, I'd say, piss-portake? That's fine. I know it's very popular. And let me take this a step further, because coffee at home is one thing that's nice. You get to wake up and it's usually just coffee. It's not like a Frappuccino latte, Americano, pshhh. Yeah. This, this.

That would have been a better scat by the way, but go on. Yeah, thank you. This Starbucks or any chain, coffee chain that you would now get for free is a nightmare to me. I hate going to those coffee places, those coffee shops, having to order drinks I don't understand, and then I just, I don't like anything about it. Like, if you told me all my coffee is free, I feel like that is a curse, a curse I don't want.

Because you'll feel obligated to go get it? Yeah, and then other people will be asking me like, hey dude. Give me one. You gotta pick up coffee every morning for the office. Okay, the only thing I agree with was the last part, which is I don't want to be the every morning for the office. Okay. I the only thing I agree with was the last part Which is I don't want to be the coffee the coffee boy for the office But you think that's that doesn't apply to adult beverages. Oh, yeah, but I'll get that Round on this guy. Well, I mean one of those is way cooler

How come no one has never done that, You know, like that shows up in movies. Like the people at the bar are celebrating. Hey! Oh, when you're in there, the whole bar gets around? How come no one's doing that at Starbucks? Cause Tom Cruise isn't at Starbucks, getting off of his fighter jet, buying everyone around. I just saw an on-clusive resort,

and one of the perks was that there are multiple Starbucks on the property, and you could just get free drinks the whole time. And like, that would be awesome. Yeah. I mean Starbucks is great. Too much of either one of these beverages is a problem. Yes.

No doubt. But I actually think too much of the coffee. Like that's a bigger problem. Like people don't really house tin, you know, coffees the way that, you know, they might have a problem and house the adult drinks. But the reason you don't is because your heart would explode. You mean you're not getting a DUI on the Starbucks side. No, I obviously, but that's because you can't just keep drinking coffee.

You can't, I mean, how much, what, what's the max coffee? Some people can have? Some people can have a lot. I cannot. I'm pretty sure that, I think there were some people that did too many Red Bulls and their hearts might have ended. Yeah, I mean it's one of those things where it's like- But that's a lot of coffee. It is. So Jay, have you ever had a mocha?

I have. It's okay, it's good. I like, um, uh, what's a chai tea latte is good. Those are okay. I mean, they're, they're nice drinks. And also, did you know you can order on an app? I have done that. And then you, you don't have, cause I'm with you that, that I am not a coffee professional. And like still to this day, I don't even know what all of the coffee drinks are so I've been in in a coffee shop and like they're like okay what would you like and you look up and it's it's like I'm reading a completely different language I'm like ah I know what that is so I will get that you know if we had a game show on this episode.

We do. That was specifically what is blank, and it was coffee drink. I don't even know how to answer. Like if they said, what is an Americana? I would go, I don't know. Sometimes it's coffee drink. How to put words together in the coffee world

to say what it is. There are lots of cocktails that have different mixes that you don't know off the top of your head necessarily. Sure. You still order them and get them, and you like them and drink them. What is an Americana? That's not just American coffee?

I think an Americana is water and espresso. Gross. What? That's what I think it is. All right. I thought it was um playing coffee It's an espresso topped with hot water boom Yeah, would you like I mean well this drink good by this drink is pretty bad

You're gonna need to pour some water on now the end the espresso really concentrated That's just the tiny little caffeine shot right instead of having it, yeah, it's a tiny shot of concentrated coffee and then that makes it more of a cup. An Americano makes it a cup versus mixing like milk into it. So an Americano is like a mixed drink where just the espresso is like a shot. Yeah. Yes, and here's what I'll say. Al makes a good point, he sent it through on the slack here. Most people in their day to day life, they're having maybe a couple coffees. They're not necessarily drinking every single day. Right. And so from a practicality of free, like look, Al, you from time to time, you offer the studio here, you'll be swinging through Starbucks, right? And you get your drink and you get drinks for everybody else. Yep.

Now once in the morning, one in the afternoon, you just get free coffee every day. Are you using that? Yeah. Every day. Yeah, I would use it. That'd be a caloric problem. Both of these would be a caloric problem, but the way that I look at it is one of these is not that great. That's coffee. And also that's like five bucks a drink or something like that. True. You go to you go to a dinner and you want to

order like a little cocktail off their menu. That's 15 bucks. Yeah, this is this is a three to one. Yeah. But they but let's just you said it. There was a side effect of the coffee. You you'd go there and you'd feel the pressure and people would want you to get it. Is it going to be good for your health? The word unlimited in front of that. When you go to that restaurant and you see unlimited, that's not going to be good for you. No, no, both of these are going to be very bad for my health. I'm going to go coffee. Mike, final answer? I'm an adult, right?

Yeah. Rounds on us. Should we move on to Man of the People or do one more here, Al? Let's move on. Today's show is brought to you by our friends at Quince. When it comes to winter, it's like survival of the fittest out there. And I'm willing to do or buy whatever I can to stay cozy. For the ultimate cold weather necessities made from premium materials, you've gotta check out Quince.

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Man of the People. Alright, another spectacular Man of the People. I've got to prepare my area. No, don't even worry about it. Just wait for the last round. That's what I'm preparing for. Three points goes to the person that buzzes in first, two to the second, one point buzzes in first. Oh, I'm sorry, three points to whoever gets the

tie. Number one. Oh you can go and explain the game. I mean why don't you tell me how to play the game. If you guess the number one answer you get three points the number two answers were two points any other point on the answer on the board is worth one point and then the final round is worth double points we're doing seven rounds. Sounds good. All right for that seventh round. The first round. Oh we're going. We are going. Hands on table. Hands on table. Name something that the sign outside a hotel might tell you. No smoking. That is the number four answer. I got a point! Read it again. Name something that the sign outside of- Did Andy buzz in?

Yes, he did. Okay, I'll stop. Valet. That is not on the board. What? Yeah. Okay, read it to me again. I know the number one answer now.

Name something the sign outside a hotel might tell you. No vacancy. That is the number one answer. Yeah! Oh, then ooh wee! Let's all laugh at Mike's funny answer. I didn't laugh. Wow.

I clearly did not understand this question. Vacancy? Wait, lobby, the nightly rate, the hotel's name, no smoking. See, this is Motel Town, man. That's where I was so hesitant a motel I would have gotten all those yeah we're thinking there's a big valet lot a hotel man for sure we're going to the Four Seasons over here I mean I got the number one answer so I don't see what the problem is okay all right but I do agree that that's where I was frozen if you told

me a motel sign I'm'm going, it's like cable TVs here. Was that one of them? It was, it was the number five. Yeah. There you go. I'll talk to our production staff about the hotels. We've got cable. I remember passing them. They'd say HBO. Yeah. A motel. Yeah. A motel. Yeah, exactly. You're not pulling up to the Venetian and they're like, no vacancy. No sign out front. No vacancy. I think that question sucked. All right. Go on. I thought it was great. All right. Round two. Name something a kid might get in trouble for writing on. The wall. That is the number one answer. No. Yeah baby. Keep an eye on those buttons. I'll reset them I'm gonna go with furniture

We got to go to the judges yeah, that's not on the board okay. Oh, thanks I'll buzz in last time you need to waver your buzzer sir. Oh, thank you all right the body That is the number four answer all right the body Let's hear which one you disqualified for me out. I'm going the desk then yes the number four answer. All right. The body? Let's hear which one you disqualified for me, Al. I'm going desk. Yes, the number two answer was your school desk. Yeah.

Then clothes, then body. How does furniture not count for that? That one's tough. Yeah, school desk makes it if your peers want to overrule you or if Judge Giamatti has a strong preference. I'm going to the judge. Yeah, the judge can make the call on that. It counts. Oh

Alright, I got one point guys. You got you know, it's a number two. Thank you. You're tied with Jason. Don't thank me Thank Brooks Thank You Brooks. All right. Yeah. Yeah, we're out three school desk versus furniture. That's mm-hmm Furniture feels like your home. Yeah, I stand by my denial The ruling has been made. The Supreme Court overruled. All right, round three. Name something people do while riding a roller coaster. I am in first.

Scream. That is the number one answer. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Andy got in first. What? Was your hand on the table? No, I watched.

It was here. It was here. It was fair. Fair game. He got there first. They raised their arms. That is the number two answer. Yep.

How many answers are there? Five. Two. Mike's out. What? So you scream, vomit. That is the number three answer. That's where I was going for three if I missed it for sure. What were the other two?

Yeah, I'm curious. Laugh and close their eyes. Okay. Yeah. I guess that makes sense. I thought there was like two answers to this. Yeah, you scream or you put your hands up or like do nothing. All right, through three rounds we got Andy with four, Jason with five, Mike with seven.

Okay. All right, we're doing all right. We're going on to round four. Other than academics, why might a team choose a certain college? Sports. That is the number one answer. To party!

That is the number four answer. Nice. That's a good one though. Come on kids, get it together. I'm gonna go their friends that is the number three answer also one point the number two answer missed is location yeah oh yeah and then the number five answer was cost who's one location of a good party come on people moving across the country this school is in a terrible spot, but man

do they know how to party. I am here to party. One of the guys here gets free unlimited drinks. It's a weird thing. Somebody just gave it to him. One of the other guys faces in the sky. I'm going here. All right, we're moving on to round five we got name something that you can get in extra-large you hadn't reset these buzzers just name something that you can get in extra-large a soda that is the number four answer what's what is happening number four all. A shirt. Mine never went orange. They must have because I hit my...

I think Jason hit it simultaneously with me resetting. And Jason you got the number one answer. What did he say? A shirt. That's a good answer. Pants? Technically the number one answer was clothes. So I will let you go again yeah I have no other answers

three two one all right a seat French fries that is the number two answer pizza is the number three answer and eggs the number five answer what I don't think Jason had it yeah like when you go get a carton of eggs, they say extra large on them. I know, but I don't. I would have never thought of that.

Does anyone think of that? When you're shopping for eggs? Five people of the 100 we surveyed did. Did you? Nice. We're doing some really good survey work. When you guys are in the, picking up eggs, I just, I go. I mean, I do the range.

I do the free range. Yeah, the free range. I don't ever look at how many sizes of eggs are there. That's a great question. I do the range. Yeah the range. Free range. I don't ever look at how many sizes of eggs are there. That's a great question. I have no idea. I only buy caged and angry. They're so cheap. Horribly mistreated chicken. Depressed. They have the best eggs. Alright on to the next round. Oh me and Jason are tied now? Yes through five rounds. We got Andy with seven, Jason with nine, Mike with nine. Andy, you are starting this one from behind,

so maybe you have a chance at actually winning in the final round. Hold on, I take some umbrage with this extra large thing for eggs, because I am seeing now the eggs are now sold in four different sizes, small, medium, large, and very large. This does not say extra large. I have definitely seen extra large eggs.

I don't think I've seen very large. Well, Google it. Oh my. Sir, this shirt does not fit. Do you have a very large? Oh, man. I like it. I'd like the number one, very large.

All right, we're going on to round six. This is the last round of normal point scoring, then we will have our final round. Round six question is, name a job in which you'd stand in one place all day. I will go with the toll booth guy. That is the number four answer. Toll booth Willie. A cashier. That is the number four answer whoo told with Willie a cashier that is the number one answer a bank teller that is the number two answer okay all right we're back in come aggressive all right so going into the final round commanding lead we got Andy with eight Jason with 11 Mike with a one-point lead with 12

Reminder that this round is worth double name a big expense that some adults plan for years in advance First a house that's the number four Vacation yeah, that's what I wanted to say. That's the number one isn't it? That's the number four answer. That wasn't what I wanted to say at first. A vacation. Yeah, that's what I wanted to say. That's the number one, isn't it? That's the number five answer. No! What a loser! A car? It's gonna be college.

That is not on the board. It's gonna be college. It's gonna be college. It is child's education. Child's wedding. Retirement. Buying a house. Family vacation. Education no child's wedding retirement Jason one with 13 Andy, I'm sorry Mike with 12 and Andy with 10 You took a full back swing on the butt Mike's revelation that he lost was so entertaining All right, congratulations Jason you are this week's man of the people

That speaks to our economic situation in this country. What was number one, though, the child's education? Yeah, I do think that people probably save for child's education more for more years than they're saving for a house. Yeah, that makes sense. On to the draft. We go Jason, the man of the people. This show is brought to you by Belt MasterCard. You've probably heard me talk about Bilt as the company that helps you earn valuable points on rent, but I'll let you in on a little something. The Bilt MasterCard is also one of the best ways to earn points on dining. If you've ever eaten at a restaurant, that means all of you keep listening.

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That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T dot com slash ballers. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Joinbuilt.com slash ballers. The Spitballers Draft. Well the Coliseum was getting a little dusty and we cleaned it up. Time for another Battle Royale. We are going to go with the state animals the state animals battle royale assembling a team of four of the state animals To fight one another of course to the death

We have made a determination Before this draft it's important that Al hears this, there are some states that have the same state animal. We are not allowing those to be duplicate drafted. Which is pretty embarrassing for whichever state to be in the long second. The second state, yeah. Or the fifth. The United States very into the white tailed deer. Yes, everyone wants to lay claim. when they all hit their buzzers. They all said white tailed deer and they just gave it to everybody,

which really as a state animal, this is on whoever determines those. You shouldn't allow duplicates. You should have made them pick a different animal. A hundred percent. It's like going to get a copyright and they're like, I'm sorry. That is a, that's already trademarked. Yeah. So Jason, you have the first pick in this draft, unfortunately. It was who I was as a scatter. I'm starting with the claws out,

and I'm taking the grizzly bear. Ah. Unfortunate. I see. The apex predator, and there are several great animals. Now, which state? I am going with Montana because California's grizzly bear is extinct. I thought I could get you on that one

for the grizzly bear No longer exists That's a shame. Yeah, sorry. I wonder how different it was I The California was it just like it was way surfboard. it's much boosier. Yeah, I get it sunglasses Bleach tips. Yeah. No, I look I think that the a lot of people the California grizzly bear is not tech I use the word extinct. They just moved they just Yeah, they were like the taxes were too high there now the like the Florida. Yeah, we bear like I can't take this traffic No, it's state tax. Yeah. Roar. All right, so that was in my opinion a worthy, the best one-on-one.

Interesting. I'm going to go with another animal that has the most size, massive, powerful, has weapons. I'm taking the moose. I'm taking the moose because, look, I did a little research before the draft. I know that the grizzly bear, look, that's a formidable adversary for the moose, but the grizzlies, they like to go for the moose calves. Because it's a big fight with the big moose.

So I need something big enough to kind of be my stalwart here. Yeah, according to... Was that going to be your pick, Mike? No. Oh, okay. No, it wasn't. I mean, it should be the number two. But that would have been a backup pick.

Yeah, it's a great pick, but according to ChatGPT, in a hypothetical encounter, if the grizzly bear is determined and the moose doesn't manage to scare off the attack, the grizzly bear would likely have the advantage due to its predatory nature, experience of fighting, and formidable arsenal of claws and teeth. Well, not the California one. Well, right. That one's... Claws and jaws is a powerful argument. Claws and jaws.

Let's announce the state too as a graphic animal. Oh I'm sorry, yes so there are multiple moose options, but I will go with the more wilderness moose of Alaska as opposed to the... Oh that's a rugged moose. A rugged moose. Maine has a moose as well. Yeah, but they're like really into lobsters. Yeah, that's true. How is lobster not Maine's like? Yeah. You know what I mean? Like animal? That should be their animal. Yeah.

No, that's their crustacean. Each state has their own crustacean. Probably. Now, we're in the Coliseum. Yeah. Is there water anywhere in this Coliseum? You bet there ain't. Oh, there ain't?

Oh. Oh, I've been given the I have fallen on the Sword a couple times for the lack of water in the Coliseum, right? But you picked before asking the question and I am asking the question before I make it how many Coliseums Historically have been water Coliseums the Coliseum had water in it at times. I Want to know I'm voting. There's no way I'm voting for the Coliseum How many different I mean, I'm voting for the Coliseum. How many different? I mean, I guess there's the Coliseum, like the ancient one.

And then there's a mermaid or something. You do. King Triton. Well, we've had water battle royale. We had in the Coliseum. Oh, they're not in the Coliseum. They're an open water. OK, where are you on this one, Jason? But look, I'm not the judge.

We have a judge in the house. So that's that's it's our Supreme Court Brooks is saying no All right, I would say yes if in this case well So you would say yes, he would say no. So what's the official answer? I don't think Brooks said no I think he deferred judges can't defer you. Yeah, recrusing. There we go. Okay. So that animals are allowed.

There's a tank? I'm sorry, water animals are allowed. I'll tell you right now, there ain't gonna be no water in there. You can pick a water animal. But in my head, it's suffocating. You're gonna be flopping. Flopping. Well.

Go ahead. Thankfully, most of these water animals breathe oxygen. All right, yeah. No, it does breathe oxygen and it eats animals off of the land. So I will take, from the state of Washington. Mm-hmm I will take the orca whale because Shamu don't take no crap from nobody. They are known as the killer. Yes They do have that nickname and all we have to do is run Well, yeah, but if you eventually have to come fight me, right? No

Well, yeah, but if you eventually have to come fight me, right? Nope. No, no, I don't. I just have to sit down and watch. That's what I have to do. I just have to not go by your mouth. Interesting. Unfortunately, I made a large list of animals and then deleted all water animals from the list. Oh, I see. That's why you voted for no water. Yeah, because of all the other drafts. Go on, Mike. So in the end, Jason, it will come down to which one of our animals can go the longest without eating. Yes. Go on Mike. So in the end Jason it will come down to which one of our

animals can go the longest without eating. So I will take the killer whale and then I will take the tank of land I will take the bison from Wyoming which I never know if a bison and a buffalo are like the same thing or if they're just slightly different but I do know that they are... The bison and a buffalo are like the same thing or if they're just slightly different. But I do know that they are. The bison's a great pick. They are extremely dangerous and it's gonna take a whole lot of attack power to bring down my bison.

You needed a tank. Yes. And a land animal. Well yeah, I'm dominating both now. I'm gonna go with the Florida Panther. Okay. Yeah, that's right. Which I didn't know was a real thing until you put this list.

I completely agree. I've always assumed they weren't really from Florida and that was just a catchy hockey nickname. Yes. There's a team called the Panthers and they're from Florida and it was always, well where did they move from? It's like the Los Angeles Lakers. No, it's the thing, it's the official state animal. So I need the speed, the stealth of a panther. It's good. To go with

my moose. We need to rebrand some. We should draft the animals for state animals. New state animals? Yes, new state animals. Because I feel... What would we all go with with Florida? We all... A crocodile. Absolutely. Absolutely. Or a gator. Yeah, gator or a crocodile. One of the two. It doesn't, they're the same thing. Or both. Yeah, both. Alligator or a crocodile.

That's their state animal. I agree. The more generic picks make more sense, but somebody, who's in charge of this? Yeah, that's a great question. Does someone get- Sometimes the official stuff, I just wanna know who makes the call.

Are you just in the right place? You just happen to be the mayor at the time that your state needs a governor? I mean, does that come across your desk like, okay, I'm signing some checks and sir, what animal do you like? I mean. And then Big Panther comes through and they're like, sir, I know you probably want to go with the alligator, but have you ever considered the panther? That's a weird one. Jason, two picks for you.

Okay, geez Louise. Um, this is getting interesting. We're about to jump from great predators to animals. Medium animals. To maybe cute animals. Well while you think about it, I'm going to remind people. Mike has the orca whale and the bison. I have the moose and the Florida panther.

And Jason, you have a grizzly bear who needs a friend. I'm going to get him a friend from Minnesota. I am going with the Eastern Timber Wolf. Yes. That can, you know, it's like a... Or as I wrote, the Easter Timber Wolf. Yes. They can you know it's like or as I wrote the Easter Timber Wolf. Which is much more pastel than the other wolves. It's got big ears. Big old ears. The wolf has big ears, big front teeth. Cadbury cream eggs. Cadbury hands and blaze eggs. Buck buck

buck buck buck. It's me. So I will take the Timber Wolf. It's a predator. It's got some fighting experience. Got the teeth. It's not predator. It's got some experience. Got the teeth. It's not as big, you know, nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing to be proud of. How big is a timber wolf? About six inches. Are they larger than? Let's see. They're not giant. They're not. They're like 60 pounds. Oh, it's like a dog. It's big. It's a big dog. OK. But since we're going size, and I feel like my grizzly can hibernate, but your orca has blubber.

Yes. And that's going to take a long time to die. Or eat. But sperm whales are gigantic. And you will never let that thing die. He can live forever on land. You can't do anything to him. A sperm whale is one of the animals? Connecticut. Really? Connecticut has a sperm whale. I don't know why they have a sperm whale as a state of kids. What? Connecticut? What are you doing up there? So, you know, according to my list, I believe

Connecticut's state animal is the sperm whale, which is gigantic. I looked up like who would win in a fight and it said one orca could not harm a sperm whale. They're just too big. Do you know how the jaws can't open wide enough? It's like daddy long legs. They're, you know how the John's can't open wide enough? It's like Daddy Longlegs. You know, they can't bite you. You know how insulting it is to these water animals to have a state claim them? Like Connecticut's up there going, he's like the sperm whale of the ocean.

He claims the whole, he swims in the whole ocean, and Connecticut's like, you're mine. Yeah, that is. You're mine. But you're a state, you're land. No, you're mine. Yeah. How much of the ocean is in your state?

Very little. Very, very little. We touch it. We ship some in. One edge of our state kind of goes into the water. Would you rather sperm whales hang out? No, we don't. It's an insult to bog turtles everywhere.

I genuinely believe. Thank you, Mike. I'm looking up Connecticut animals. Yeah. I genuinely believe that the the bay there probably does not have a single sperm whale anywhere near it. I don't think it did but then the giant sperm whale destroyed it. Yeah, they did. Okay, you got sperm whale. I'm gonna go with the smaller version

of a claw and jaw attack. I'm going with the black bear which has been claimed by Louisiana, West Virginia, New Mexico. They've all got the black bear. Which one you going with? Oh I have to choose between those three? What were the three I said? West Virginia. Louisiana. Mountain mama. No I'm going West Virginia. Oh okay. Yeah. It's a mountain bear? Mountain mama bears. The Louisiana one can handle spice though.

Yes. Very Cajun you know honestly I think you took the wrong one the Alabama also has the American black bear which I think is the largest hmm oh but he locked it in mistakes were made I get them all it's a whole team all right so I'm up you're up Mike final two picks okay so looking through my list here We have we are dwindling you could go with let me give you some ideas while you're thinking The gray squirrel of Kentucky. Oh, that's cute as is the ringtail from our home state of Arizona The Eastern Goldfinch from Iowa an option Yeah, but what if I told you that?

My whale friend, or my whale needs a friend, because now we have to team up against the giant whale, so I will take the state animal of Massachusetts, the right whale. What is a right whale? Like a Mike Wright? No, I actually had to look it up, because I thought thought what a stupid name for an animal and According to Google at least the top result. It was called the right whale because it was quote the right whale to hunt It nearly went extinct and they banned hunting in 1935 so good work, Massachusetts

They named it the right whale because it was the right whale to hunt. Wow. Which whale should we get one? The wrong one or the right one? Mike, you have another pick. Oh, yes. And while you're thinking about your last pick, I will once again protest that I can't picture a bear fighting a whale at all.

I can picture- And I contend that Al is stupid. My bear will walk up behind the order can just start slashing it. Yeah How are you gonna walk up behind the whale this is why we shouldn't have watering coliseums Tell that to the Greeks so the last one I Look maybe I need to protect my water area I will seal it off with some trees because I will take the beaver from New York and he will create a damn situation and he will protect us we're at the beaver level huh and he

will ride upon the orcas back I like like it. That's teamwork, Mike. Teamwork makes the dream work. I will go, I will close out my draft with... the Texas Longhorn. Delicious. We will have much sustenance from you. Huge horns. I don't think they do anything with the horns. Oh, you bet they do. They stick them right up your... It's not a bull. Yeah, I mean, Longhorn's got the horns. Oh you bet they do they stick them right up your... It's not a bull. Yeah I mean longhorns got longhorns. I mean it's a bull isn't it

but it's not like... It's huge and they're sharp Mike it'll be just fine. Come at me with your beaver. The beaver will gnaw your horns right off. Good luck. All right I'm up. Yep. All right, so I'm looking. Still got the raccoon on the board if you want it. Eastern Goldfinch. Tennessee had all those choices and they went raccoon. Yeah, there's, wait, Beaver was New York? Yeah.

New York state, what are these states doing? Well, upper New York is a lot of wilderness. You can't just think of the city. A lot of Beavers up there. Yeah, but I mean, they gotta claim one from the city. This should be pigeon. This should be rat. That should be their state animals. The rat. I think New York's going to like that on their slogan. All right. Home of the rat. I will. York City. The biggest rats this side of the Mississippi. There's. New York City. The biggest rats? This side of the Mississippi.

There's really one animal left here that is... No, there's not. Yeah, no there is. There's a very good animal left. Has weapons, has enormous size. He ain't no moose, but he ain't far behind it. I am taking the Rocky Mountain Elk from Utah. Of course.

Yeah, my little... Big ol' ant course. Yeah, my little. Big ol' antlers. Yeah, I mean the moose looks down and says, one day you will not be as big as me. One day you will be dead as I stand over your body. Grizzly bear, timber wolf, sperm whale, and Rocky Mountain Elk for Jason.

I have the moose, the panther, the black bear, and the Texas longhorn. Mike with the orca whale, bison, right whale and beaver to round out our animal battle Royale. It's going to be a stalemate. It's going to be, it's going to be something. Nobody's not much action. The white tail deer left alone. Uh, as the Nebraska, New Hampshire, Michigan, uh, Indiana, Illinois, Arkansas, South Carolina option. There's also a lot of horses. Sorry, Virginia as well.

Horses, Idaho, Maryland, New Jersey, North Dakota, Vermont, they're all horses. There's a lot of horses. And I would've taken a horse if I had something to ride it. You should've got the Beaver. The Beaver could've ridden the horse. That was the secret of your pick. Don't worry, Missouri has the Missouri Mule.

That sounds great. That sounds delicious. That's part of your unlimited drinks. Exactly. I'll take a Missouri Mule. What did we learn today? I genuinely learned that there are constellations that can't be seen from certain parts of the planet. I assumed you can't always see them, but that

over the course of time, you'll see all the constellations. But, wrong-o! I learned that people are not saving up for years for a car. I learned that a desk, according to Al, is not furniture. That'll do it for today, Spitballers. Thanks for joining us, supporting the show. We'll be back with another episode. Someday. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballersPod.com.