Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Big Shoe Diet & The Best Ways To Spend A Rainy Day - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 14, 2024

Spit Hit for Oct 14th, 2024: We’ve got a hilarious episode for you today! Find out what’s got Jason looking so trim these days. We also discuss little baby boils, lizard people, and shower shorts. Don’t know what any of that could mean? Tune in to find out! We also shut it down with a draft of the best ways to spend a rainy day! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

Hey, Spitwads! We just wanted to say thank you for listening to the show. We've got a special episode for you today, a spit hit episode from our archive of over 300 hilarious episodes. We're taking a break this week and we wanted to deliver a very funny friend to your pocket. And that's this episode. Enjoy. What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. flip-flop baby da beep-bop Okay, look I I

Didn't know what to expect because This is the closest to the morning that I think we've asked Mike to scat and Mike is not known as a morning or afternoon guy. Yeah, I'm right there with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, usually when I wake up, there's about 722 messages from Andrew Holloway in his cups of coffee. And company, and company. Sure, but it's-

Fellow early birds. It's mostly you with a couple responses to what you're posting. You usually have some coffee emojis that have flames coming out of it. That's fair. That's fair. That are posted. Do those resonate? Oh yeah. I know what's going on in your life when I, by the time I wake up and see that you're two hours into a solid work zone. We're in different time zones. Yes, we are. I think your response to what Jason was saying that has brought something up to me that I've never really thought about.

Why are we so at ends? That's a phrase, right? I don't think so. It's a perfect... At odds? At odds. At odds and I don't know. There's something there.

Let's keep our ends out of it. Turn phrase right which we are masters of morning people yeah and night people mm-hmm night owls I believe is what they're called there's no night people it's also it's early worms and night owls let's just let's just all shake hands like you think we need to get along? Yeah. Cause cause you could tell you could tell by when, when Jason was talking about you, you felt like you had to come into the defense of morning people. And it's like, I feel a level of resentment at how much they have, he has to catch up. And it shouldn't be that way because Because your body is hardwired.

It's a wonderland, as our good friend, JM, would say. But your body is just wired that way. I have tried. Like, tried for years and years and years and years. How old is your oldest? 14? 13? About to be 14.

So that's how many years you've tried. I've tried to become a morning person. I still wake up early very frequently. My body never ever likes it. I was just- It's never adapted? Never. Never ever. I was just talking to my wife about this because she was saying, you know, I want to get more active and work out because I had gotten in a workout regimen of doing it in the morning and it's terrible. It is these people like just get up and rise and shine. No it's awful.

Who's the every single time it's terrible. It's the actor that's part of the 3 a.m. club. Oh Mark Walbert. Yeah he's always. Yeah. And the rock the rock and him get up super early because those guys like will you sleep for three hours. And I'm like, you sure are a filthy liar. Well, they are wired different. I mean, that's the thing is like I was reading it. Human beings are not wired to survive on three to four hours of sleep. Right. But we know they're not human beings. Like that's that's widely accepted.

They are lizard people. But I was reading the Atomic Habits. And one of the things is like what you say about yourself causes you to believe it. So if you say like, I'm not a morning person. I believe that, yeah. But that's nonsense because I mean there is some truth to that for sure. But I've seen it like I started doing the same thing with me.

Like I'm not going to say I'm not a morning person. I can get up. I can be a morning person. I can get up, I can be a morning person. It just takes 20 years of practice and then maybe someday I'll be a morning person because I mean it don't work. It don't work. There is a truth to a positive mindset. I believe that. But I think that your body... There's self-fulfilling prophecies that you say like I am. It's like the introversion, extroversion. I know people are introverts and people are extroverts. But it doesn't do an introvert very much good

when they need to go out and do something to say, oh, I'm just this other kind of person. Because then it just, it self-fulfills. It's like I'm not. That sounds like an extrovert talking. See, I think, yeah, maybe. Although I. You don't go home after the party like good Lord

Oh, I'd hope I never have to talk to another person for the next five years Yeah, but I mean he's saying like if it can be partially not morning people and partially night owls Yeah, and and you can still do it like I can still get up in the morning But it sucks every time right if it is a negative thing, right? If it's if it's a hardship upon you, it doesn't do you a service to constantly remind you. It's like, I deal with anxiety. I just want everybody to know I have anxiety. Well, the more you say that, the less helpful it is to you because now you are really, really confident in your anxiety. Not that you don't deal with anxiety,

but maybe don't wear the shirt that says I have anxiety. Back to the original point is, morning people shouldn't feel like they're under attack from night people. In the same way that night people shouldn't feel like they're under attack from morning people. Now I'm picturing we're in Blade and there's Daywalkers and I don't know what's happening.

We change shifts. You clunk it. The vampires are certainly not morning people. Correct. Who wins, okay. And they're the sexiest of monsters. In a war, okay, because I presume, I presume in about 40 years,

there will be a war between the night owls and the morning people, because despite- Oh, morning people are toast. See, that's what I'm wondering or do they fight in the darkness we're used to the night and the darkness they need that sunrise to really get going but I also wonder there coffee dependent people if their diligence and you know if they attack early I mean that could be a real problem we might still be awake. Oh, that's true. We can wrap around. That's right. Okay. You can wrap around. So yeah. Wait, if you

call the morning the night, will you feel better? Oh, absolutely. The greater point being we should all be able to get along, but night people are superior. Right. Yes. Perfect. That's the point of your whole. Yes. I had to work through it, but I'm not there. So now I need to defend myself again. All right. Welcome into the point of your whole yeah, I had to work through it, but okay there so now I needed to fin myself again All right, welcome into the spitballer Sandy Mike and Jason with you. We're gonna kick it off with a review Review a source rags this one comes in from Corey saluti PSA to father's five stars. This is my first ever Apple podcast review. I felt this necessary. Fathers, husbands, be aware. No, be aware. Be aware. Andy, Mike, and Jason are so funny.

You should be aware of listening to this show when your wife has had a really bad day or when putting your kids to bed, plus so many more family situations your desire to take care of your family is no match for the instinctual need to laugh at this hilarious show you will make your wife stay worse you will wake your child up be aware be responsible but keep listening so there wife has a bad day and if you have the the AirPods in you may chuckle too much for your wife's bad day. I have so many suggestions. I have a PSA for Cory. Maybe take the AirPods out and share this with your wife and children. You'll all have a good time. Yeah you're keeping it a little bit

secret. Yeah well it's like if you get home and you're keeping it a little bit secret. Yeah, well, and it's like, if you get home and you're like, oh man, we all can read it. The spouse like, there's something's, something has gone wrong here. You don't look at it and be like, you sure seem grumpy. Plop, AirPods in. I'm out of here. Cory, don't be putting your kids in the bed while you're listening to the podcast. Thank you for the review. Hey, but hey, tell your friends to stop the show. Yeah. Would you rather?

All right, Spencer from the website, would you rather have the voice of Sam Elliott? Beef brisket. Or Morgan Freeman? Oh, oh, I oh oh I can't I can't do a Morgan I yeah I don't think any of us well no no well let's try it oh I remember Andy Dufresne okay that's not bad that is not that's it's not good it is like I am I know a lot pressure. I need to work into it. You know how you do an impression? You gotta like.

Everyone, I think impression people, they have that word. Right. That you're like, okay, that's the word. That's the only phrase I ever go to when I try to do a mediocre morning frame. You have to say Andy Dufresne. I have to say Andy Dufresne.

Sam Elliott, do you get the mustache? No. Do you want the mustache? I don't want the. Are you required to grow it once you have the voice? I don't think you're required. But should you choose to grow a mustache with that voice? The mustache is now not creepy, but pretty cool because there are creepy mustache.

I want the Sam Elliott voice without question. I want the same. There is almost nothing I am more jealous of when I, if I'm watching TV, if I'm watching movies, you know, they've all got great bodies. You know, these are, these are celebrities and actors who care for their bodies and their crafts, you know, unlike me. And so you might be like, Oh, I'm so jealous of you know the athletic swimmer type body they have no what I am truly jealous of you want the voice are the voices of these these certain men who can no longer be a bad actor genuinely in the a sting they couldn't say something in a way that appears or comes across as a bad actor because Genuinely, they couldn't say something in a way that appears or

comes across as a bad actor because their voice is so deep and so specific that you just believe and trust everything they say. I've seen it a million times in shows and it's and I'm so jealous of it. The word that you said there was the one I was gonna go to which is trust and there's a reason like if I have if I hear a British actor or actress, for whatever reason, I trust them more. They're smarter. And the only American voice inflection that I trust

is like a Sam Elliott Morgan Freeman, where you are narrating with authority. If you walk, like, the success that they could have in so many fields simply because of their voice. Yeah. I want Sam Elliott simply because I want to grow the mustache and become a full cowboy. Yeah you all you lean towards the cowboy for sure. I guess the reason I- The morning people. The cowboys. They get up early with the- Yeah that's true. Cowboys have to be early risers. Yeah. Yes. And you have- Yeah I've seen Yellowstonestone Like you have the coffee in the in the metal. Yeah, Tim. Oh, yeah, where is it?

You're chewing the ground. It's 50% like half-grown up beans in there but I I Would go I'm pretty confident here. Sam Elliott's voice is lower than Morgan Freeman's voice, right? I believe so. Yes, and it's not just lower in like the octave, you know, where some people like Shaq, you can't understand anything he's saying because. What was that?

Did that come through? That sounded like a cruise ship. Oh my gosh, there's a cruise ship. Did that come through the microphone? Oh, it had to. I hope so. I had to bring it up, because there's a cruise ship outside the door.

We're at the port right now This is incredible. I've never we've done Probably two thousand shows in this studio over the last five years between Footballers in this that is the single loudest horn I have ever heard. I mean that way impressive Yeah, I am actually curious If it's not a boat it has to be a train and we're not at a station here. No report, no report. Like they have brought, you know, on, on the back of some semi truck, a, uh, a locomotive right to our back door. That's how it works.

You were, you were making a point. I was, I don't remember it. It was probably about how sexy Sam Elliott's deep voice is. It was that his octave is lower and something. His voice is low and growly, but it's not like this low octave like Shaq where you can't understand what's being said. Shaq's voice is like a bass line. Right. Yeah. He's gigantic, though.

I mean, I imagine his vaulting cords are also large. Yeah, I mean if you just imagine like okay the the amount of air that can vibrate, it's like I'm guessing his neck is one yard wide. So that's just a lot of space for air to go. I've never been in the presence of Giants, but yeah, I mean I remember when I remember though the only NBA player I've stood right next to like shaking hands with was Charles Barkley and this was And he's a shorter fellow. He is for NBA standards. He's a shorter fellow knucklehead. It was the largest

I mean, but he was so so you're saying he was still big. He was bigger than anything I could imagine a human being could be like I was blown away by how monstrous he was and then to think that there are people that dwarf him is outrageous. So which one are you going with officially Mike? Officially Jason. Okay, you go Sam Elliott Sam Elliott, Morgan Freeman. I'm going the Morgan Freeman. Yeah, like if we're going with the like the trustworthy voice, I feel like Morgan Freeman has more range. You like the cadence? Yeah. You like the speed? He can't talk fast. Never talked fast before. No, you just take it low and slow. Oh, Mike. I would agree with you. He's got more range. Yes. Like you're kind of typecast when you're growly Yeah, and and Morgan Freeman certainly has more range. I just want he has done a good job with it though

He's been in a lot of stuff as a cowboy Have you seen him? He's been in a couple movies without the mustache it will Shake your core. Yeah, it's weird. It's really weird. You know how people, when they don't have a beard, they have a soft jaw? Yes. He has a soft upper lip. I mean, it's like... Oh, I understand then, Mr. Sam Elliott. I have a negative top lip.

It just, it does not exist. When you don't have a mustache, it's a very strange world. Yeah, I have one lip. So, was thinking about, was thinking about Sam's voice. My grandfather, he had a very, very deep voice as well, but he was a smoker since a very, very young man. And it changed. I was like, I wonder, does Sam Elliott talk about that?

So I just Google it. I'm sure he's been a smoker. But I just Google, is Sam Elliott a smoker? But the interesting thing here is the top result is in Amazon.com Alexa, and it says, does Sam Elliott smoke? Answer, Sam Elliott do smoking. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank you, thank you, Alexa. Is that where AI is bringing us these days? Top result from the Google machine. Answer. Sam Elliott do smoking. I see it, I Googled. You're not like remember the old ads from the 90s kids. Don't do smoking. Yeah. Yeah, don't do smoke Don't do smoke kid. I I was so jealous of the your brain on smoke. I was so jealous of these type of Voices that I actually got a corn cob pipe

these type of voices that I actually got a corn cob pipe. And I tried to just destroy my vocal cords so I could sound better. I'm like, this sucks. I don't like this at all. So I stopped. But I legitimately was like, oh, I don't know. You want a low voice or you want cancer? And I was like, give me that voice Wow Wow Alright Ali from the website. Would you rather go back to the very first mobile phone you ever had?

forever Or go back to the very first TV you ever had home forever. Oh brother You guys are much older than me obviously much. Much, much, much. By about a year. Yeah. However, we're from different, kinda like decades. No, we're not from different decades. No, no. We're living in different,

like you guys are in the 40s. And I'm in the 30s. That's what I was getting at. Okay. However, I unfortunately am old enough to have had my first TV be a black and white television. So I would be 100% stuck in black and white. Wow, that's crazy.

I don't remember my first TV. I remember my first TV, but it wasn't black and white. I didn't think people in our generation. It was like the, so the parents had, we had a color television, but then, you know how everyone has like the sick TV or something where like you know when your kid is sick you bring it into the room so they can watch TV okay I don't think everyone has a little black and white television and you know they're all box TVs and it would be

brought in if I was covered in viruses it was covered in viruses and I what I'm saying is is like I can live with just a phone that makes a phone call. I could totally live with that. Can you? Probably. I don't think you could. Yeah, because I can see here's the loophole there.

Is I can text on my computer. It's not about texting. Like the, it's information. Then what's the big deal? All the app functionality, airplane tickets. Now you're back to having to print them out. You don't need to be so quick to. Going to a concert.

Yeah, I'm just saying, like, I have. Airplane tickets is a problem. Concert tickets is a problem. I've been through this with my kids. I'm like, well, what phone do you give them? Because we don't. Because you wanted to give them a dumb phone. Right.

We're trying to be protective of, like, let's not get them into social media just yet. Let's give them some more time. So let's go with this phone and you're like Man that phones dumb. There's a lot a lot of things like we go We're a Disney family. We go to Disneyland a lot and your tickets and like that's your tickets to get in That's your fast pass. So you watch a black and white television. That's 13 inches. No, I'd watch TV on my phone Six inch screen and I mean living life dude, they're so high def that is the right answer Gotta be a phone

I was thinking like, you know, you've got 2fa for a lot of different things where anymore No, you you can't access anything without a smartphone. It has to be the phone that you grab. Okay, you're right. What was your first phone? I believe my first phone was like maybe one of those old cricket-like phones. Oh, so the smaller? Yeah, it didn't even flip.

It wasn't a flip. It was like a Nokia-looking... So my first phone, I remember it very clearly, was a Nokia kind of like like the bar phone. Yeah, but it did flip it flipped It had a little cover. Oh is a flip cover It was just a flip cover that covered the numbers and you could flip that out dust cover right like a Even where the microphone was no no you could have ripped that thing off And so it was just that was a phone in a case it was it actually attached to the nose attached to the phone engine every day

I had a hinge and you flip it open and pretend like you're on Star Trek Yeah, okay, I see that yeah, I had I had the Nokia bar phone or yeah, and it had No vibrate function. So so like only you either had You had your ringer on or you had it just silent. So when you don't, a few years later when you upgrade to the next phone, you're like just look at this thing on silent. I know that you're calling. Yeah, that's so crazy. What happened to Nokia? Phones got smart. The iPhone came in like a giant and smashed everybody.

All right. Um, I guess we all know the right answer there. We gotta keep the phones. Yep. Scott from Patreon, would you rather always be overdressed or underdressed for any occasion? This is... I... You guys, I've already proven that my first impulse here today on this show could be wrong and you've corrected me. My first impulse here is I'd rather be overdressed. That is the correct answer. Because I can be complimented, like somebody might notice it, but when they notice it, it is like, oh look how dapper you are. The other direction is pure embarrassment. It is like if you're at an event and I'm going to go, my mental picture of

being underdressed is somehow I'm wearing a bacon neck t-shirt and it's really like it's a basketball shorts and it's wrinkly and some basketball shorts or a pair of sweats to the Super Bowl whatever. And and then it's a fancy and then everybody around you is you're the bum man. See here's here's where you're a cool guy here. Yeah. You could pull that off. You just get some tattoos. Yeah If you have tattoos, then it's a choice. It's art. It's like Adam Sandler's just like, whatever, man, I wear basketball shorts everywhere because I don't care. Yeah, but to be fair, he's Adam Sandler and people know that. So you're not going to, you know, if some random person you don't know shows up in basketball

shorts, you'd view it very differently than going, because when Adam Sandler shows up in basketball shorts, you don't say this, you don't say, oh my gosh, he's in basketball shorts. You say this, you say, oh my gosh, that's Adam Sandler. That's the problem, is Mike, if you wear, if you're underdressed at an event, but you're covered in tattoos and other aesthetic choices, piercings and things, people are just like, that's his look. If I show up that way, it's like he made a mistake. You know, he should have put something on,

he's a lazy bum. Now here's the problem with this. It says you're always overdressed. So when we're here at the. So when we're here at the studio, when we're here at the studio, I'm in a button up, right? Cause we don't need that. And for me, I would be in jeans and a button up. I would be overdressed for here. But when we go to the wedding, I'm not in a suit where I should be in a suit. I'm overdressed. I'm in a tuxedo. That's fair. And it's not my wedding. You're at like the gym, and you're in a suit.

Yeah, I mean, this is a problem. Run the elliptical. Just hitting a hard G30 minute. It's so sweaty. Imagine. I don't know if you ever get to wear shorts in that choice. Oh, no, no, never. Shorts can never be overdressed unless.

Unless you're in the shower. That's the only place where you're overdressed in shorts. You have shower shorts. You do have to be overdressed in the shower. That's the only place where you're overdressed in shorts. Yes, you have shower shorts. You do have to be overdressed in the shower. Could you imagine the visual to me of seeing a guy working out in a suit on the elliptical is hysterical. I want to- Toss the tie over the shoulder. We saw the same thing. I want to do this. I want to dress up in a suit because I get real sweaty and just go work out, get some good social content going. Excuse me, where's your coat check?

Underdressed means I will be in sweats all the time. Sweats or shorts. Oh, that's a good life. Do I feel like I've reached enough levels of Adam Sandler? Like how many degrees below? I think I'm taking the underdressed because the amount of time Live your life! The amount of times that being overdressed or being underdressed will be a problem Right Is much, you know, it's

It's the parent teacher conferences Parent teacher conferences, funerals, that one's gonna be the big problem Funerals are way worse than a wedding You're right A wedding I'm gonna feel like, oh man, I'm embarrassed, I'm underdressed. I'm gonna have a funeral, I'm gonna say no suits allowed. Well that's another issue. But then I'm underdressed for that.

Thank you by the way. So now you're in bathing trunks. Yes. But it's a disrespectful thing at funerals, what you're gonna say. Exactly. This is how much I cared. Thankfully I don't go to many funerals. Exactly. So but thankfully, this is how much I cared. Thankfully, I don't go to many funerals. I don't know who to like to continue that trend. You know, but I would rather live 99% of my time comfortable than 100% of my time uncomfortable to just to just be dressed up at fancy events. What a thing to be able to brag about is that I don't go to many funerals.

All my friends and family, we stay living. Yeah, I've never been to a funeral. I don't go. Yeah. The shoes. Oh yeah, fancy shoes. What are you doing when you go to a basketball game? That's what I mean.

What is this rule with dress shoes of like, they need to be mostly uncomfortable. I don't know. There's no reason that the inside of a nice tennis shoe can't be the inside of a nice dress shoe. There's none. Now maybe like the super high end fancy ones that I've never experienced that- Are super cozy? Yeah, I don't know.

Nope. Cause I mean, oh, you've experienced them? Oh, I've had- Cause I roll, I go down to the Coles and I pick up some steam hats. He put them on with the corn cob potty that one day. I mean, I don't know how outrageous, but like I've had a $300 pair of like fancy shoes. Okay, that seems like that is

a price that... Should be comfortable. That should be a comfortable fancy shoe. Nah, I can assure you it is not comfortable. I can assure you, but on the bright side, when you're wearing fancy shoes that are uncomfortable, they also require you to wear the thinnest socks imaginable so you can feel every ounce of that uncomfortable shoe. You're not allowed to have cushy socks. Yeah. They're like, no, this

this really hard piece of leather needs to dig into your ankle. That is so true. Dress socks are like the same material as pantyhose. They're the other part of the pantyho that just... Yeah, they just cut the top off. It was a tube and then they just cut the top off. Right, if you actually look at women's capris, those are, that's how they make them.

They're just, the bottoms were cut off and made into men's dress socks on the on those we're going to be lettings yeah it is called company dress clothes dot com let's start it up we've got to fix the issues alright uh... we should probably move on right What's the difference between me and you? Okay. Al, how are you doing today?

Doing great. You have given me some choices here. Yeah, there's a list. Yeah, of what's the difference options. And we tend to put a, the debate ends with us. Right, this is finality. These things get brought up and then we close the book

and then they print the book or whatever. I don't know how that works. But let's begin here. What is the difference between an abscess, a cyst, and a boil? Well, let's get real juicy. Okay. Man, so I feel like a cyst and a boil. I know the difference there. You do? Yeah, that one is easy. I feel, to me, like a boil looks like at any

moment it could explode. Yeah, it one is easy. I feel to me like a boil looks like at any moment it could explode. Yeah, it should be almost popping, right? There's a thin membrane and maybe you could see like... Is it josselin? Yeah, it's just like a jello. You know, like if you poke it, you'll see the liquid shifting around, whereas cyst is a little bit thicker covered. A boil is something that once was a cyst and now you can't look at. A boil is disgusting. A boil is something that once was a cyst and now you can't look at. A boil is disgusting. A boil is something that... Now when I say you can't...

Are they always in groups? Boils? No, no. You can have a single boil. You can have a single boil, absolutely. 100%. It's come to the surface. It's always going to have some red to it and you either can't look at it or if it's really special

You can't look away from it It's what you know what I'm saying that I feel like a boil always has to be connected to a disease Well, I said a cyst can happen outside of a disease a boil feel like needs to be in the symptom list of a disease well That's a common misnomer Andy And I completely understand where you're getting this, because when you look at someone with a boil,

you assume leprosy, some kind of deathly illness is upon them, a boilitis. My boils are really inflamed. It's because of how bad it looks. They're not my normal boils. Right, usually I get say this is a boil because it's disgusting. Can they go back and forth?

So I believe the only way. Or is this a one time transformation? If you disinflate or uninflate a boil, does it become? I believe. That's quite the show today. Scientifically speaking. Disinflate. Highway to Spell, Andy, your word is disinflate.

Or what is the origin of that word? It's not actually a word. So spell it how you want. I feel like if you drain a boil, it just grows into a boil again, later. But if you drain an abscess, it's gone. Oh. So I don't know what an abscess is. Well that's part of the question. Jason, people are here for these things. No, but that's why there's three. Oh. Because. So I don't know what an abscess is. Well that's part

of the question. Jason, people are here for these things. No, but that's why there's three of us, man. We come together with our knowledge. I know that boils. And the best way. There's fluid in all of these. I don't know if there's, is there fluid in this? An abscess is. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's fluid, it's middle name. Oh, I didn't realize that. I know you talk about getting rid of a boil. The boil has come so far to the surface. It's only way out is out To me a boil is like a blister. It's a skin bomb. Yeah, think of Think of a teenage zit that has gone to be the size of a quarter. It has That's a sale thing right because a pimple

is like a baby boy. It's like a baby boy. Yeah absolutely. That was a cyst because it's more covered up. A boil to me is like how surface level is it? No but you know like a white head on a zit where it's like yeah that's reached the exterior. That's a baby boy. It's a baby Oh, I think that's a cyst. A cyst can be underneath the skin quite a bit. Again, again, you just go back to the look at it test. If it's a crazy whitehead, you gotta either avoid looking at it or you can't avoid it. And so now you know it's in the boil family. Are you looking at a cyst?

No, you don't look at a cyst. You go, oh, I wonder what that is. I don't care. You drain a cyst, right? All are poppable? No an abscess is not poppable. Yeah that's carveable. Yeah you have to carve an abscess out. But it's got liquid in it. There's some liquid yeah. Okay so they all have liquid. I'm with Jason I don't know what an abscess is. They're all trying to get to the surface. Well yeah, because the liquid doesn't want to be in your body. Maybe it's just three levels.

Abscess is the deepest level, cyst is the middle level, and boil is the top level. Perfect. This is a disgusting top level. We did it. That's right. Am I allowed to move on at this point? Yeah, we answered it.

OK. Disinflate the next question. All right. What's the difference between, this one might be easy, but what's the difference between being kidnapped abducted and taken hostage? Okay, okay. Do you have to be a kid to be kidnapped? No No, that's a weird or a goat. I feel like adults borrowed that Like kids had that as their term right there. They had that on lockdown. Yeah, and then and then it was like away

I I was also kidnapped. No, you weren't you were adult-napped Kidnapped is when you are taken from your your comfortable places, okay? You're okay your home. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Store you when you're abducted you're usually like out of the city. Or there's aliens involved. For sure, that's the extreme of the geography. Geography comes into being abducted. Aliens don't kidnap people. Yeah, that's the question.

No. They can't? No, they're too far away. Yeah, they only abduct. Abduction is about geography. So, abduction has to have distance involved, has to have a great deal of distance. Just vertical distance or horizontal distance?

Either one, either one, as the pro flies. So, I feel like you have to, don't you have to be abducted from your home? No, no, you can, if I were traveling to Mexico, I can be abducted in Mexico, absolutely, because there's great distance. But you can be taken hostage there, and you can be taken out. Well yeah, because that's- Hostage is just a matter of are they asking for something in Mexico, absolutely. Because there's great distance. But you could be taking hostage there. And you could be taking that. Hostage is just a matter of are they asking for something in return for you. That's, everyone knows that.

Or shielding. Are they cowards and hiding behind you? Using you as a shield? Yeah, yeah. Meat shields are hostages. Now, can an alien take someone hostage? No. I don't think so.

No, because we don't use the same currency, right? That is the big that is the biggest your largest supply of floor goosebills What we're all out man, this guy's not hostage he's been abducted yeah Well done Mike Yeah. Oh, well done, Mike. But are we trying to return kidnap just the kids? I would like to. I would. I mean, I would that mean your man napped?

Like what? What is it if you're if you're going with adult? Yeah, adult. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we got to keep kidnapped then. And then if you're like really old, your elder napped.

Right. But nobody's napping the elders. No, they're already napping. Yeah. All right, do we have time for another one of these? Let's do one more. All right, what is the difference between, let's go with a stomach, a belly, and a gut. Oh yeah, brother.

A stomach, a belly, and a gut. Okay, well a stomach is the smallest of the three for sure. It's internal. Yeah, it's the same. It's the organ. Yeah, it's just the regular thing. I don't think people normally say like, man, he's got a huge stomach.

No, you don't. Because that's an internal, I'm just thinking, because the other ones you're like, oh, he's got a huge belly or you got a huge gut. Those can describe the physical appearance. If you have a huge stomach relative to other stomachs, no one's noticing. Yeah, in most stomachs, even a larger fella, their stomach is not going to be that much big.

What's funny is stomach, I think, is tied into the word tummy. And if you said someone has a huge tummy, I would know what you're talking about with their size. Well, and stomach is for all people. Yes. A gut is really for guys. Girls, you know what I mean? A gut.

Okay. Like a beer gut. Well, yeah. I mean, a beer belly can go everywhere, but a beer gut, a girl's not going to have a beer gut. You know what I mean? And it only goes out the front. Only out the front. Only out the front.

Gut is really dangerous. It's dangerous. Oh, yeah. Oh, very, very dangerous. You tell. Well, because... Tell me more. I mean, that's just science.

If you've got a big gut, you're... Now, the gut can spill, right? There's spillage. Like, that's how you get the tire. You can... Like the spare tire? Oh, he's talking about this, because we were saying if the guts out the front of it, there is some overage like some yes, like over the rim. You know what I mean? It's spills out.

Oh, okay. I see what you're saying now. Yeah, though. Guts can have a lot of spillage. You're talking about the belt line. I'm talking about. Yeah, spills over the beltline. Yeah. Yeah It was the other belly but belly and gut. I mean is belly include the beltline Belly goes higher belly goes up to like just under yes under the pectoralis. What's the difference? Same say beer belly and what beer gut is a ones a dude The beer guts on a dude really? Yeah, and the beer belly can be you will not appropriate a gut to a woman I think it's disrespectful. I think you would go beer belly. Yeah Everyone can get a beer belly a gut implies Visceral fat and visceral fat that's what I'm saying. That's the danger zone, you know

And I don't want to I don't want to I don't want to put women in danger here. Is at what point does it become a gut? How far forward or how far over can you see your shoes? Standing straight up. Okay. Looking straight down. Can you see your shoes? Okay. If you can. Just out of curiosity. As a gut. Yeah, Andy's got a really important question here. Can you see your shoes? I can, but that's because I wear size 13 shoes. So part of whether you have a gut is how big are your feet?

And a lot of people don't realize that. Oh, so you have a little more room. I've got more room to go. How much shoelace can you see? Yeah, oh, well, let's not talk about shoelaces. I can see the toes. You know, that's- Is there a chance at some point, you will make a decision to buy larger shoes?

Absolutely, absolutely. I've got room to grow- Did you lose weight? No, these are size 15s. He's actually only got size nine feet. He's in 13s right now. The idea that you're wearing some clown shoes. And people are convinced.

This isn't a gut. They're convinced you've lost weight. He starts wearing these size 20 clown shoes and people are like, you're looking good. You're looking good, man. Really svelte. Wow, this guy. Compared to those shoes. It's all the ratio. Oh man, I didn't know this. Oh, this guy! Compared to those shoes!

It's all the ratio. Oh, man. I didn't know this. Well, that's why people listen, is to learn things like that. I am dying. Oh, man. All right, we're going to move on. The Spitballers Draft. Alright, we are drafting the best ways to spend a rainy day.

And I'm going to throw in a little bit of rainy day context here. At least for the three of us, because I know there are lots of places in the world where it rains regularly. And I live my life. I go to work. Yeah. And, and not here. People that have rain don't understand. There are people that have fled rain to come to Arizona because we don't get a lot of rain. And because we don't get a lot of rain, we videotape it. Like that's what happens. Like people are excited when it rains here.

I remember growing up in school, and this is what this question brings it up a little bit to me is, if you had a rainy day in school, which people have all over the world, our schools function totally differently. Yeah. They give them rainy day schedules, your recess goes indoors, it's a special day as a kid because you're watching videos and you're doing stuff.

So rain is a special thing out here in Arizona where I think we always appreciate it, am I right? We always appreciate the first hour of rain, yes. But we are still people that complain about everything. So if it's raining too long, I get sick of it rather quickly. But yes, when it comes to go good, we got some rain. Go away. I'm a little disappointed that I don't have a top two pick here because I think there are some real winners things I want to be

doing on my rainy day that I'm not going to get to do because you guys are going to take them. Mike, you have the first pick. It is a rainy day. So for the most part, I'm not gonna get to do because you guys are gonna take them. Mike you have the first pick. It is a rainy day so for the most part I'm trying to avoid going outside because I don't want to get too damp and while I'm inside and I got some time to kill fellas finally I have time I'm gonna fire up the video games. It was the number one pick. Yes. Yeah. Yes. That's the why I'm gonna fire up the video game. It was the number one. Yes. Yeah. Yes That's the why I'm sad. You can't stop me because I can't go out. Yeah, you want to go do the yard, honey? Oh, no, can't do the yard can't possibly do that. Take the kids to the park. Mm-hmm. No, no

I'm gonna take him to school and say pick up the sticks. Yeah Okay. All right. This is so with any we just ruin your whole no no, but I'm viewing I'm viewing this in within the context of this game that we're playing amongst each other where Andy's worried about these top two picks and And his number one pick was video games and I know what my number one pick is but it's kind of it's kind of Different and so I'm going to pivot and hope that this one comes back to me. Interesting. I'm going to go with my number one pick to be binge watching something. Binge watching?

I've been watching it. You're just looking at stuff that you put into a bin? Yeah, no, but video games and binge watching TV shows, it's raining, you got to stay inside. Let's find a great show and binge watch. So I ruined my pick because I said that? Was that what you wanted? I wanted television. Yeah, you did!

You ruined it, because that was not gonna be my pick. Thank you for opening your dumb, dumb mouth. I am unhappy with you. I will, I do get to pick You do and so one of them thankfully I can say movies and if it's too close to TV for you Then I'm going to the movies. It's watching movies on a rainy day. I can go to the movies. I can enjoy a movie sure I'll allow it. Yeah, you're going to the movies. I'm going to the movies. I'm going to the movies

Yeah, you're safe inside Which I just did it had been too long since I've gone to the movies because that'm going to the movies. I'm going to the movies. Yeah, you're safe inside. Which I just did. It had been too long since I've gone to the movies because that's like my favorite. Oh, movies are great. My absolute lifelong favorite pastime has been going to the movies and then COVID hit. What'd you go see?

It's all Shazam. How was that? It was the new one. I really enjoyed it. I had a fun time. I like that it's goofy and stupid. But- We'll take this off there.

Yeah. Yeah. But no, it was just so nice to go to the movie theater again. I'm going to do that more. Did you get the sweet set a goal and then accomplish it? Was it an AMC? Hashtag not a sponsor. So did you get that really cool Nicole Kidman intro video? That's so ridiculous. I did. And let me tell you something. She is sitting- We sitting to the movies She is sitting in chairs that are not in the theater I was in because those chairs looked soups comfy. Is that that super melodramatic? Yes. Yeah. Yeah. All right my second pick

Will be it's an obvious one for me in part because it's the right pick and in part because I hope it hurts Jason And it is hurts Jason. Oh and it is napping Yeah, a rainy day that's Good rain nap it's cloudy. Yeah, it's overcast Maybe you got some drops outside and then you just go off into a nap I don't even have to wear a sleep mask in the day. No. It's dark enough I just sleep right there. Wait, do you wear a sleep mask while you nap? Only if it's, yeah if it's bright in the day. My bedroom has a lot of light in it. Is it made of satin?

No, no. Okay. Cloth. Okay. Try satin. Alright, um,, you are back. I assume the pic that you were going with is there. It is still there, and this is something where, I said it was different because most of these are, I wanna get away from the rain. I wanna not get damp, as Mike would say. But I actually love, it's probably my favorite rainy day activity, like I binge watch shows all the time. I don't need rain for that. I nap all the time. I don't need rain for that. But this

one I can only do in the rain, which is sitting on the porch with a drink and a rocking chair in the rain. That is, is very frustrating. Oh yes. I stole both. You did. Yes! You did. You did. Funny enough, we're in Arizona, it doesn't rain very much. It did just rain last week and I went under the patio, I had my coffee and I was going to tweet that about, you know, just how like a coffee under the patio in the rain is elite and then I remember I did not sweet because of this show and I got it and you got it Anyway, you have to have a drink and the best part is it could be anything all day or your morning coffee Your your afternoon tea, your late

night. There has to be sipping. It's sipping in the rain. It's sipping in the rain. Sipping in the rain. All right. That's a good one. That is upsetting. All right. And he's out. Well, shoot. So with my next pick here, this is something for Arizona you don't frequently get to do it. Even though, I mean, like with new homes and everything, we're obsessed with putting them in in Arizona. And that's the fireplace. But when it's raining outside, it tends to be a little bit cooler and just the overall snuggliness that the rain brings in. The atmosphere.

Yeah. The fireplace is perfect. Just sit in, I'm just going to say, you know, just turn the fireplace on. Hang out by the fireplace. I think it's going to resonate with the listeners. I like that. There's a lot of fireplaces out there. I like that visual.

I am curious. When is the last time you have turned on your fireplace? Uh, I don't know. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. That's what I thought. But I only have, right now, I don't have a, oh no, I have my electric fire, my fake fireplace. So that thing goes on a lot, but I don't turn the heat on.

Yeah, no, no, no. It's, we're in Arizona, I mean. Yeah. All right. I've had a fireplace in, I think, my last four houses over 15 years and I don't know if Like I I remember lighting fires at my home. I grew up in as a child I don't think I've turned one of them on never all right, and then I will follow it up with

Just a really good rainy day lunch it up with just a really good rainy day lunch. You gotta get the grilled cheese and the tomato soup. Now, bro. Oh, you're looking for a. Yeah, I mean, look, I'm gonna eat lunch. But, and Jason was, he's right on the. That's a rainy day meal. He's right on where it's like, there's these things,

I do them all the time. I play video games when it's not raining. But something about the rain makes it feel more special. Makes the, watching the TV, makes the fireplace, these are things you do, and you have a grilled cheese and a tomato soup, but when it's snuggly out, and you get the grilled cheese crisp and the warm soup,

it is just, it's extra special. Yeah, yeah, no, I get that, and I'm going to go with something that, a lot of times when you are, it's a rainy day, Yeah, no, I get that. And I'm going to go with something that, a lot of times when you are, it's a rainy day, you're looking for activities to do that are indoors. Now that could be in your home or that can be out and about. And sometimes you just wanna get out,

but you've gotta stay inside. But it's raining and it's special. To me, that means I want water involved. I am going to the aquarium. I going to the aquarium going to the indoor aquarium like the big aquatic we've got you know interesting I want to feel like I'm a part of the rain you could just go stand in a dry no see I don't I don't want to I don't want to get too damp here, Mike. This one's blowin' my mind. This one, left field can't even be seen from where this one is.

Yeah, no, this is a real good one. You could have not narrowed it to an aquarium. You could have said, like, gone to museums and like all these things. Well, that's a different thing. But we know he doesn't go to the museum. But you're saying that you need... I have museum on my list. I might pick it next. You're saying you need it to be... You need water to be at the place that you... Are you watching television shows that have more water in them?

I can honestly say. Yeah, like are you watching Waterworld? Oh, great movie. That'll be part of my movie marathon, absolutely. You can go point break in there? I can honestly say that when it is raining and I'm looking to go do an activity, it's not even a joke, there's one other thing on my list.

You go to the aquarium? There's one other thing on my list. You go to the aquarium? There's one other thing on my list. It's one of the weirder things you've ever said. That like I want a somewhat wet environment because it's raining. I mean, we're all here, right? In this place of just. It's weird to everybody, right?

Oh yeah. Okay. I love you, Jay, but that's weird, bro. I know my next pick now. I know it. Oh, I know I won't have a shower All right, I'm gonna close out the draft cuz I got two picks my draft and I Thought I had it locked and loaded now I'm worried about you want some water I hear you I'm gonna go with there's several good picks. I'm gonna go Jason. You want some water, I hear you. I'm going to go with, there's several good picks. I'm going to go with.

Water park. Board games. Oh, yeah. I'm going to go with board games. All right, all right. I was between that and aquarium. I didn't have aquarium on the list. Board games are like, you know, it's the same thing.

You're here listening to the rain. What board games are water themed though? No, not enough, which is why I didn't go with that, Mike. Am I back on the clock? You're not. No. Okay. And then for my last one, this is very difficult because I have two that I really want to pick,

but I'm going to go with bubble bath. Yeah it's very high on my list. Because that is like it is a little bit of the like it's cold outside. It's warm inside and you can just it's like a nap for your body in the water. I love the pick Andy. I mean you've got water involved. Yes. In your rainy day activity. I see one of the Andy. I mean, you've got water involved in your rainy day activity. I see that you- One of the fundamentals. One of the fundamentals about a rainy day in Arizona

is that you want to be with water. You're next, so I know washing dishes is coming up, but go ahead. No, I'm going to an indoor water park, baby! It's raining outside and I wanna be wet, but I wanna to be inside I'm going to an indoor water park. I mean, it's so obvious How is this not the first this is just Jason not wanting to go get in rain itself No, but wanting water all over him around him

What is this clean rain water? Have you considered going out into the rain? Gross, my shirt will stick to myself. Give me a water park with some fun slides. Do you water park with a shirt on? No. You should really consider, sometime, like, and this is day rain. We're not talking thunderstorms.

Stay inside on the thunderstorm. But day rain, Jason. Put on them trunks. Go on a little walk walk ski around the block Go kiss the rain. So here's what's so funny We my wife and I were talking about this with all sorts of social norms the other day And and things that don't make sense and they are stupid and they're just social constructs. They still absolutely exist

If I go walk down my street, and I don't have a shirt on, I'm a weirdo. I am straight up a weirdo. The vast majority. Unless you have very loud swimming trunks. Or that may excuse you going to a neighbor's house to swim. Even still, I'm going to feel super uncomfortable walking down my street in swim trunks and flip flops and no shirt. I can change that whole situation though.

In just a second, but if I go to a water park, I take that shirt off, I feel comfortable, I feel fine, and everybody else there is doing it. Yes. I mean, yeah, but that makes sense. I agree. I'm saying I completely agree that these are social constructs, that there's no different. I'm around people without a shirt. In one place, I'm around people without a shirt.

Yeah, it's all about the context. But it is truly different. If I'm naked in my shower. But if I go outside, it's like a problem. Okay. So how can you fix this? Put on headphones. People immediately assume that you are working out

Not with a gut like mine they're like that dude doesn't work out no, they'll be like look good for that Oh, they're gonna think I'm starting my journey. It would help if you shuffled your feet while they drove by He's still in the before picture phase. Yeah, this man with size 20 clown shoes going down the street Just make sure your hands are all just on your hips. Yeah. Like you're just taking a quick breather. Oh man. You know, it is sad that when you see that, you see the before pick workout. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like good for you. It's like good. You should be doing that. Yeah. Yeah. I'm that guy. All right, Mike.

Did the- What water activity- The aquarium wasn't stolen from you, I hope. It's reading. Yes. It's reading. Yeah. There's nothing better. Now, there's reading, not something.

Preferably by a window. Yes. Oh, yes. Yes. I must hear the pitter patter gently against the glass pane window. It was the best of days. And I should definitely read more.

But something about, again, this is not just- You would if it rained more. The snuggling, like if I lived in Seattle, I would be just, I would be so well read. I would know everything. Be like, hey, there's a new number one New York Times bestseller. I'm like, yeah.

You got the blanket pulled up a seller, I'm like, yeah. Already read it. You got the blanket pulled up a little bit. Oh yeah, yeah. Just enough, just enough to cover my toesies. Books was on the list, Mike. Couple ones that were not mentioned as we closed this out. I did have a last minute thought of, when I was a kid and it was a rainy day,

we built forts in the house. Oh, for sure. The house forts with the kids. Sitting by the window, singing in the house. Oh for sure. The house forts with the kids sitting by the window singing in the rain. I haven't done that really. I was going to say, Winsor and Statham. I got a mall day or going to the science museum and I do mean the science museum because regular museums are boring. It's funny because all I mean yours are very much you leave the house to go somewhere else in the rain. Yeah I it's one of those like I, I need to get away,

but I wanna be inside, but I wanna be wet. Only one of yours, the TV one, is inside your own house. Everything else is outside of your house. No, I've rented a hotel room. In the rain. In the rain to watch TV. And I have cocktails. Yeah. Okay.

Sure, that'll work for any day. Yeah, oh, is it raining? Ah, come here, honey. Hold on, did you hear? I heard it. I heard the thunder. Get the shaker. The rain's on the way. He's got the hose spraying over the house. Another cozy day with a cocktail.

All right, let's answer this question. What did we learn today? I learned that shoes can make me skinnier the bigger the shoe the smaller the belly I learned that aliens can't take you hostage because we don't convert their currency Yes, and I learned I've been using the word deflate. Oh just wrong my entire life inflate It doesn't inflate that that'll do it for today's spitballers podcast. Please tell your friends about the show Thank you for supporting it, leaving us those wonderful reviews. And we'll be back with another episode very soon. Goodbye.

Thanks for listening to the Spitballers podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.