Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Blonde Roast Colonic & A Farm Fight To The Death - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

Spit Hit for Jan 16th, 2025: Today we talk about driving without a windshield, friends that brag too much, and getting a root canal. Then, the fellas share some real life wacky news stories before drafting farm tools for a fight to the death. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

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What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, Alright, welcome in. First try. I always want to psychologically examine each scat. I understand. And I feel like that one went like this, like tap, tap, tap, tap. And then in your head you're going, oh crap, that's not enough,

that's not enough. And then you end it with a big, ka-ka-pow! I knew you had to build. You gotta go somewhere, you gotta tell a story, and you can't tell the story at max volume. You gotta start somewhere. Welcome into the- Dynamics. No, look, you're the musician.

Jason's here. I am. That was it. We have, is this real life? Would you rather? We are drafting today and look, I'm excited. I'm excited because I know today is going to be one of our top 219 episodes we've ever done.

Well, that's great. This is only 218, but we're giving room for in case. You're going to have margin for error. Yeah, exactly. So you can follow the show at Spitballers Pod if you are so inclined over on Twitter. Follow Jason at Jason FFL. Mike is at FFHitman.

Yes. You can follow me at Andy Holloway and spitballerspod.com is the website. Let's get it going. Would you rather? All right, we are into would you rather with this question from Britain from Patreon. Breton, Breton. Yes, yes, Breton. Breton.

Yes. It's like a baton. Yeah, you gotta, yeah. But it's from a different country. Right. Would you rather have no windshield or have your car's horn wired to your brake pedal? That's a funny one. Okay, come on.

I mean, if the car horn is wired to the brake pedal, if most of you out there are like me, we drive automatics. We do not drive the stick shift cars, the manuals. So when you're at the red light, your foot is on the brake pedal the entire time. And I mean, I get maybe you could put your car into park, but you are just sitting there, you are holding the horn on for minutes at a time possibly. But you have to have a windshield, right? No, you just put on some goggles. I think you need a windshield. What?

You should tell that to the bikers. Well then, do you wear a biker helmet in your car? I mean, that would make the most- Some motorcycle helmet you get in your car. You can't just wear goggles, because if you get hit in the face or something like in the mouth. But motorcycle drivers do. They don't, they use helmets. Not always. Not in Arizona. Yeah it's so funny. In Arizona

you do not need a helmet to drive a motorcycle. Legally speaking. Right, you definitely need a helmet on a motorcycle but not legally. Right. And so we see people, it's funny because my first thought with this question- But legally you need some type of glasses. Oh, do you? Yes.

Okay. Because your eyes could get- Otherwise you get a real bad dry eye. Oh, right, right. And they want to, look, the number one problem across the nation when it comes to motorcycles and riding them, just nasty dry eyes. Yeah, you don't wanna have red itchy eyes that feel uncomfortable.

I mean, we've all had a rock hit our windshield. Yeah. Now, go back in time to when that happened. Now take away the windshield from the equation. And put your face. Yeah, it's not even eyes. You got the goggles on, put your face. Yes, not even eyes. You got the goggles on, you're legal. You're street legal here.

Forehead, it just, I mean, this thing cracks my windshield and puts a hole in it. What's it doing to my forehead? Which is your face's windshield, your forehead. Yeah, as mom always said. Windshield to the soul? Yeah, thank you. I mean, I imagine it's very painful.

Yeah? I also imagine maybe Al Borling's been hit in the face with a rock before. How did that feel, Al? I have not been hit in the face with a rock. Really? I'm surprised. I'm really that shocked.

With a windshield the size of... Looking at you, I thought many times. I've actually been hit in the face with a rock before. Like, someone threw it? Someone threw a a some random kid Through a rock when I was in grade school, and I was hit doesn't know it was me I was hitting the face and my face exploded Your face define your face like they stitched it back up like it like there was blood everywhere. Oh

Yeah, just miss my eye. It hit me right in the right in the nostril Yeah, but I mean the face is a very bleedy area and it's not I'm sure you didn't get hit with a pebble like the no You're right. I got hit with a big old rock Yeah, the things that hit our car windshields aren't big old. Why do we even have windshields then? For dry eye. Yeah, I guess this is about the the eyes It's for dry eye. Yeah, I think this is about the eyes. A long time ago, big eye drop was taking over the country and we put our foot down. With the windshield.

No, they were with no windshields because everyone's eyes were drying out. So we said, well, we got to solve that. No more selling your moisturizing drops. Well, I'm just thinking to myself, you're telling me little pebbles hit my windshield. Yeah. And then we all know if a tire comes off a car

and hits your windshield, your windshield's not helping you. My windshield got hit. It's going straight through it. On the way home on Sunday, driving home with the boy, a nice piece of tread was kicked up by a friendly driver in front of me. So I'm driving on the freeway. Yeah.

There's a piece of, as there is for time and time, some shrapnel of tire tread. It's like this big, you know, for those listening at home, it may be, uh, like a four inch area, easily avoidable because it is so small. You could just buy the car in front of you. Yeah. You could have just positioned it easily between your tires, not hit. No, they decide they need to hit it. Launch this thing in the air and that smacked my windshield. And I about broke my neck due to my startling capabilities. Were you trying to dodge? Like, yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. I went the eyes fully closed. I ducked down like I was trying to be a tortoise going into my shell. Now what if you didn't have a windchill? Oh, yeah. Just dead. So wouldn't it be better to honk your horn? Never. No, you're just too annoying. Socially dead or physically dead is the two questions here. Like how many red lights are you going to holding your horn down before someone tire irons you in the face? Which would be bad. Yeah. I will say that. I'll take my chances with the pebble. I've never had a piece of shrapnel

hit my car windshield. It's terrifying. It sounds bad, but it's never happened to me. I have been at a red light before, so I will take the windshield. I have experience. Yeah, I'm with you. Calvin, from the web from the website, would you rather have a friend who is a bit too proud about how in shape they are or how much money they have so too proud about the vanity of physical appearance I got a follow-up question okay are they in shape yeah yeah I think okay they have money and they brag about it okay in shape and they brag about it and a bit in shape and they brag about it. And a bit too proud, that's the right amount of proud to be annoying. Because the big time proud, they're in their own world.

Like the people that are that over the top about this stuff, it becomes almost a joke, right? Like it's not, you know, the subtle pride, but the subtle obvious pride is the worst kind of implication. Yeah, because you still hang out with that person. You want me to take care of that bill? I can.

You still have a relationship there. You haven't just written them off, but then it's just the eye roll. Because they have money. They buy you stuff. So then you're saying maybe there's an advantage to being around the wealthy person who brags about their wealth because their wealth can go to you. Their wealth will be shared with me. But their muscles cannot be bequeathed.

No, yeah, I can't do anything with their muscles other than feel inadequate, not inspired, and just stand next to them squeezing my own tummy going aww. Now that being said, I would say that more often, that when these two braggarts exist, more often the person who is really in good shape is their doing, right? They didn't luck into money, they weren't born with money. A lot of times-

It's earned pride. Exactly, they have a right to feel good about the fact that they work out three different times a day because they're putting in that work. Now there are certainly people out there that have earned a great salary, but there's a lot of people that don't. I don't know how many people just

lock their way into a six pack. No one. Some people do. So some people have better- I wanna be one of those people. It's too late. Oh, it's way too late. It's too late for a 36-pack man. It's but the I mean You have to stand next to them and like the personal money. What are they gonna have like a fancy suit?

I don't care. I don't care, but if they're over there just like casually Peck bouncing, you know, or like a, you would, they would definitely do the, uh, what the, the beaches over there move or they're like, Oh, I gotta pick this thing up. And then they're flexing and they're, they're vascular veins are popping out. I guess the money can benefit you more. Yeah. They're always being like, you want to do a pool party? You know, It's November 15th, Fred. He's like, yeah, but shirt off. Shirt skins. I'm skins. Yeah, if someone's bragging about their money,

all you gotta really do is just be like, prove it. You know what I mean? Two words, now it's mine. That's not bad. So, give me the money braggart. Mark from Twitter, always hit every red light for the rest of your entire life,

or always get slow internet after the sun goes down. That's a weird one. Yes. I mean, they're two inconveniences, but internet is life. So I feel like there are- You're still wrong. This is right after he said he's always at a red light, too But that's the point. That's the point. I feel like when I drive to work, right? I already feel like I'm hitting every red like an unlucky red light driver. Well, sometimes certainly not you don't pace your speed properly

It's definitely that's that's that's malarkey. What a lie that he's been told. Remember when they used to have signs up, and they're like, these lights are even timed to 40 miles an hour. They've been timed to 40 miles an hour. Nonsense. Bullcrap. They have not. You guys don't buy into that?

No, I tested that. It never worked. Did you now? No, and what you needed to do. You went the speed limit? If it was four, I tried it. Hogwash. I tried it. Iwash! I tried it.

I did. I have tested it. I have tested when the signs were up. Oh. It's just a bold face lie. Do you wanna know how you hit more green lights? Faster. Faster. Just keep going faster.

Kids, don't listen to any of this. The odds of hitting the green light are better. But my point is like, no, there's certain times I take the kids to school and I'm like blown away. I hit every green light and I mention it. So I'm certainly not a red light, bad luck person, but I have had plenty of experiences where I'm hitting every red light. Yeah. You want to know what happens? I still get to my destination. I'm still okay. It's not

the end of the world to hit every red light, but I do a lot, like I'm a night owl. When the sun goes down, you know, I might be doing work, you know, late into the night on the computer. Are there day owls? Over there. Oh. Yes, there's owls, but the phrase,

you're like, oh, I'm a night owl. That's a good point. It's just a redundant thing, because owls are up at night, and so you call them night owls. We don't say like, oh, I'm a night bat. You know what I mean? That's right.

Because all bats are just out at night. Yeah, it's a nocturnal animal. That being said, there was an owl, full barn owl looking big owl, in our neighborhood, it's been around, which, Andy, we're in the same neighborhood basically. But it's been on one of the homes in our neighborhood over and over. Yes, because it's sleeping. Oh, in the day.

Yeah, it sleeps during the day. On the house? Where do you want it to sleep? Where do you think they go to the hotel? A tree? A tree? Yeah, I mean, you just sleeping right out in the open? Excuse me, do you have any rooms available?

I'm an owl. Yes, right out in the open. They sleep all over the place. Really? It's a wild animal I guess not to say part of the morning. They're not down to sleep. That's obvious now that I say that but like it just seemed like Right on the right on the go one foot up to They do that Our neighbors have sent us pictures because they wanted everyone to be aware. If you've got small dogs or something, there's like an owl that could, you know,

eat your dogs. Um, do owls eat dogs? They pick them up. They can't. I mean if your dog is small enough, which come on, if you're, if your dog is owl sized, like if it could be prey for an owl, get a bigger dog. I love our small dog. Could your dog, do you feel like an owl could take a dog? Oh yeah. Oh for sure. An owl could pick up and enjoy. What? Get a bigger dog. But yeah, I guess I've- Watch out for coyotes too then. Well yes, that's fair. I've seen this owl perched up. So you're telling me, are all owls asleep in the day? Like they're just- I believe that owls are a nocturnal species of bird.

You know, the twilight hours are, you know... Which it's actually, I mean, I don't know if you have noticed this as a human, very difficult to sleep when the sun is beaming down upon your face. Owl is just sitting as pictures of dead owls and pretending they're sleeping for Jason. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I can't take it. They're so sleepy. Look at them. Look at the cute little guys.

Oh he's really tuckered out. Oh man. The wings spread wide open, eyes closed, yeah taking a good nap. But yeah, I mean he might be moving a little bit that's because you wake up sometimes when you're sleeping. Okay well Well, I guess these are animals too. So they do stuff different than us Every red light forever is really intense You never catch a break. Oh, you never hit a red line on a freeway More freeways, but good luck getting there if you know if you know, you're gonna be hitting every single red light I think that your outlook on life would be adjusted. Now what if I just...

Yeah, you'd understand that's how you drive. What if I tell you that no matter what, you always hit the yellow light? Oh, so you have to make the decision every time? But no, but your decision... There is no decision. You're just far enough away that you, I have to stop. Oh, I see what you're saying. The worst case scenario. So the most, yeah. It's not just red when you pull up, so maybe three seconds later.

No, it's the light goes, no. That is so much worse. So you always think you're about to go through, but then you can't. You know what's funny about that is you come come up to red lights all the time very common Yeah, but when I come up to any yellow light that I can't make I'm upset every single time I don't would that change your answer it absolutely would change my answer because I don't think about like if a light is red And I'm just pulling up. I don't even think about it. It's just This is just like yes, just driving nothing is the best part I mean the best part of this is you could just set the rule as you have to stop if you see yellow No matter what oh

Man, so you see it turn to yellow you've slammed the brakes. That's a danger or more dangerous You ever done that you ever miss called it when you were I have missed call the line where you're like I should have gone through but but you wanted to be... Not the one where you go late and you run a red. I had done both. The one where you do the early and you feel like a doofus. Yeah. A doofus.

Yeah, you stop too early and then the car that was behind you goes around you and goes through the light. You've done that? What is the story here with yellow lights and why are they not all exactly the same? The timing? The time, cause there are, I've had, we've all hit yellow lights where it's like yellow red. Cause they can't, they can't keep, you gotta keep you guessing.

If you know, if you know exactly, every yellow light is going to be the exact same, you know how to play them. I feel like it has to have something to do with the size of the intersection. Yeah. The amount of traffic. Federal guidelines recommend yellow lights three to six seconds, but then due to other things, it would be changed. But I don't know.

It feels like, look, I'm not interested in the truth. That's my speculation. I was just posting cause I find that funny. Three to six seconds is literally too much. Yeah, that's a very wide margin. A six second yellow light. You could, that's a very wide margin. A six-second yellow light, you could casually stroll through it. I think you put the six seconds on the really chill intersections so that people can just roll right through them. But you get used to it. And you put the three seconds on the tight ones where you need to get traffic moving faster.

I feel like the opposite. I feel like when there's a lot of traffic and you need the time to get people through, when it's chill, it's just like, hey, there's probably not even traffic here. Yellow, red, go. Or they're all exactly the same so people know how to gauge a yellow light properly. Ridiculous. And we're not running red lights. Would you like to answer another question? Yeah.

Would you rather have a root canal or a colonoscopy? John from Patreon. Ooh. Very simple question. Can I change my previous answer?oscopy? John from Patreon, very simple question. Can I change my previous answer? Yeah. I would not like to answer another question. Oh, that one.

I have, we've got two producers in the building. Do you have either of these? I have never had a root canal. I have never had a root canal. But that's only one of two. You've done the colonoscopy? I have. Okay.

I haven't done, I didn't perform one. I was the, I was performed on. I was the, is that a colonoscopy? Hello sir, my name's Andy. I will be your fill in doctor today. I mean, is that a colonoscopier? If you're the one that did it? Colonoscopier?

I don't think that's it. Have you had either? I have not had either to my knowledge. See, I feel like a lot of people get root canals. I feel like we're in the minority that we've never had one. Al, have you had a root canal? I've had two. And then-

I hear they're bad. Wow, I thought- How many colonoscopies have you had? I've had none. Oh, so you're a two nothing root canal? Yep. Both involved in root canals. My root canals were both, I was like 12 years old.

Now I- On your root canal? So what's funny is I thought. And my root canals were both, I was like 12 years old. Now I've- On your root canal? So what's funny is I thought when Andy- That's when you get older, yeah. I thought most people have root canals at a much older age. Or you take tooth damage also. Yeah. If you get hit really hard with tooth.

What is a root canal? I have literally no idea. I believe basically- Gotta get way down in the canal near the root. I thought it was they dig the root out of the tooth. What? They grind it of the tooth. What? They grind it out, right? What?

Because when you have a root canal, eventually you will have to replace that tooth because it's going to die. Yeah, because- That's my understanding. I thought root canals are like cavities that have gone so deep that you have to- Root canal treatment is a treatment sequence for the infected pulp of a tooth which is intended to result in the elimination of infection. So is that the inside of a tooth, which is intended to result in the elimination of infection. So is that the inside of a tooth?

Yes. That's just called pulp? I guess, yeah, you got the hard white stuff and then the pulp on the inside. Ugh, gross. I'm like a no pulp man. No, I'm a no pulp. Yeah, and I don't want pulp in my teeth.

Or my orange juice. Well, you need the pulp in your teeth. Oh, not according, wait, so do they put more pulp in when they take it out? No, no, they take it out and then eventually your tooth turns black and dies. No, no, no. That's not a root canal. Root canals, they take it out and my tooth dies?

I don't want that. Am I wrong? That's toothanasia. Yeah, no, they usually seal it back up and crown it or something and then it's fine, I think. Well, yeah, but they crowned it. I could swear that a root canal has to be replaced eventually Maybe I've believed that wrong my whole life. Maybe well you've never had one and you've never had a colonoscopy here I'm not but I've done. I have had a colonic

Okay, what's the different braggart? No, no, I'm just letting you know the the colonic is where they they they go in and they kind of wash everything out Oh, yeah, they fill you up with water. It is unblueless. Oh man. So if you're not familiar with the colonic, they say it's a healthy thing to do. The colonic people.

Yeah, the guests. Was this just big colonic? This was just for fun? Yes. Yeah, it was like I was for a night out. I saw the sign. Day and night. And I was like, you know, I've been thinking about doing this.

I need to wash out. I mean, but like, it's not, is this? It's not medical. Yeah, it's not medical like the doctor said. Right, yeah. It was a prescribed by a doctor. They're not doctors that do it either, right? But it's, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't think so. These are like the, do you have a garden hose you can perform a club But so the way the way it goes it's supposed to be good for gut health I don't know say people that sell the oils or whatever. Yes, okay, but you the least for me I go into it's performed. Tell me about this before it's performed in someone's house You've told me about this before. It's performed in someone's house. No, it's not. Oh, yeah.

In someone's house? So there you go. What? You bought a Kalanikov Craigslist? You're feeling real comfortable to start. Come on. Is that? That's real.

This is real. This is real. My mind is blown right now. This is real. As was. Yes, as were my insides. But you lay on your side. you get a very uncomfortable hose placed and then they, and then the ladies like, okay, here we go. And they, they wash it a few times, but

they, they load you up with water. And what you feel is you're laying, you're like, you're, you're really vulnerable. You're laying, you know, kinda trouser down next to this person, and then you get the most overwhelming feeling of you have to poop that you have ever felt in your entire life. And your, but your body, you're like, you're trained. You don't, you're not on a toilet. You don't poop in public.

You don't poop when there's someone sitting next to you. And it's- Wait, they stay in the room with you? Oh, because- What do you think, they put the hose in and leave? Yes, yes. I'm gonna go watch this show, I'll be back in 20 minutes. Oh, please leave.

No, because they wash in and out a few times, and it is- This is not good. Oh, it was, oh, it was not great. How many have you had? One. Look, the colonoscopy, on the other hand, you're in a twilight sleep, so you don't remember anything. So you're in the astral plane.

You're in the astral plane. Apparently in the twilight sleep, you can't follow instructions. So I was given instructions, but they performed the procedure, which is medically certified, not done in a house. Mine was done in a doctor's office. And they check you out, and then you wake up in a bed.

That's nothing. I'll do that over the tooth. I am learning so much right now. I'm at the Mayo Clinic's website learning about- About colonics? Well, I just wanted to know more information about this great procedure. Does Mayo do that?

I'm hearing good things. No, it does not. It just says, is colon cleansing a good way to eliminate toxins in your body, is the question. But I found this paragraph fun. But colon cleansing, also called a colonic, or a colonic irrigation, for such purposes, isn't necessary. That's because your digestive system of bowel

already eliminates waste of material, but it says during a colon cleanse, large amounts of water, and this is my favorite part, sometimes up to 16 gallons, and possibly other substances such as herbs or coffee are used. Yeah, I've heard about the old coffee enemas. So I went with the blonde roast. Oh, nice. Nice, so you go into someone's house, they're like, I highly heard about the old coffee enemas. So I went with the blonde roast Nice so you go into someone's house. I highly recommend the the blonde roast the bikes place

Wow Did you I mean one-to-one testimony here? I know you've only gotten one right did you? Have benefits well if by benefits you mean extreme diarrhea for about two days and then no BMs for the next two days and everything was just completely thrown out of whack, then yes, I had that. Make sure your colon cleansing practitioner is reputable. That's one of the big markers here. They were three out of five stars. Okay.

We have got to move forward here. No colonics there, Al? Not for me. Not yet. Not yet. Mike made a good case for one. Did we get confirmation? Here's the-

The dentist can save your tooth by removing the infected pulp and filling it with a replacement material Yeah, replacement pulp. I'm gonna take the root canoe Over the colonoscopy. Well, they're called but the colonoscopy is a good nap It's just a nap and it can it can save your life. I'll take the colonoscopy. There you go. Yeah You're on it. I mean very partial like what the the rule of thumb is right when you get when you hit that big 4o Is it 4 or 5o? I think when you're 15 guys who turn 40 just keep pushing it down like no I heard it was 75 Well Jason you why you would know yeah, that's why I'm asking I would know and are you do it is recommended Adults age 45 to 75 so I'm in the fellas. Perfect. That was written by a 44 year old.

All right we are moving on. What's going on spit wads? I uh I gotta take a minute here and talk about something we have learned over the years. 20 years of being an entrepreneur. Look, hiring the right people quickly is so important. And honestly, it's very difficult. You think you can, uh, figure things out quickly, but you need to hire the right person to build the team, to have the right culture, to have the right people. And, um, look, sometimes you're a business that realized you need to hire the right person yesterday, basically.

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All right, it's time for Is This Real Life? where we each share a real life story from the real life world that has happened with one another. Well, I'll start us off because my owl story in our neighborhood just perched around apparently, and maybe this is super normal elsewhere in America. Like, oh yeah, we have owls. Animals? Yeah, owls are pretty normal. Where we live? Yeah, they're around.

Seriously? Yeah, I showed you. Like the first owl in the wild, I feel like I showed you a video I had an owl attack another owl on my porch a couple couple of years I've in your defense the first the first time I ever saw one was it was nighttime and up on a light post There was a giant creature that it made us up in the it's on the light So you you know, you have to squint you can barely see it but it looked like a cat and I at this point didn't know we had

owls and I was like how in the heck did a cat get up to a light post and it made no sense like can they how did this happen climb They climb metal can they really climb and I'm just staring at this thing for quite a while Eventually, it swooped down and I said that is not a cat You couldn't accept that it was an owl. All right, so what's your story? Okay, so my story reads Buzzards That vomit wind threatened and leave piles of acidic droppings have invaded a small town and nobody knows why. And nobody knows why.

So they vomit? They got vomit bombs? So apparently they got both directions of these buzzards is a problem. Okay. First of all, it seems like- Are these dragons? Of these buzzards is a problem. Okay, first of all, it seems like It seems like from this article and my extensive research now on buzzards that buzzards in general will vomit when

Startled basically. Yeah, is that because they have no other way to fight. I don't buzzard I don't know Mike? I don't know, Mike. I don't know if it's a fight. I thought you were doing research over here. I'm still learning. Working on the doctorate. Their poop is heavily acidic, has been removing paint from cars. And so these are problems. These are serious BMs.

These are serious BMs. But the real problem is how many there are. There was, on Wednesday, 28 buzzards sat on a cell tower along Main Street. There was a woman, local resident, Ali told the paper that the height of the invasion, she counted 58 buzzards perched around her house. So we're talking swarms of these buzzards.

And the town can't get rid of them. Oh, I've got a method. Is it gonna, you're gonna put them to a nice little nap? Yeah, they're all gonna take a nap. Tuck her a mouth. They might look real sleepy. These aren't endangered buzzards, are they? I don't think buzzards can be endangered.

I do have an update for everyone who perhaps you were thinking like me a buzzard and a vulture look nothing alike. Oh really? Wait for real? So what is a buzzard smaller? Yes so I just googled buzzard because I'm like in my hand. That's a fun word buzzard. Yeah it's great but all I can see is a vulture and then people also ask is a buzzard the same as a vulture. And then people also ask, is a buzzard the same as a vulture? The vultures are large, bald birds, but buzzards are smaller vultures

and they prefer to hunt, attack, and eat their prey while the creatures are somewhat alive. Well, wow, that's pretty rude. But they like this. This article says that although called buzzards, the birds are either black or turkey vultures. So. I've always thought all vultures are buzzards, but not either black or turkey vultures so I've always thought all vultures are buzzards but not all buzzards are vultures maybe the same thing twice no okay I just heard it right but the buzzard

doesn't maybe some of them have the redhead but this is this is blowing my mind so I thought they were interchangeable so they have is there an end to this story do they get rid of the buzzards? No. They're still taking dumps. At the end of this story, they left the town. At the end of this story, they could not get rid of them. They were blasting cannons and noise makers.

Cannons? That's what it said. And I'm like, I sure hope so. So what if they can't get rid of them? We've tried all of our cannons, and it never hit them. They just fly away before the cannonball gets to them. All right, I have to follow up with my story because it is also related to animals. And I'll be honest, I chose this story mostly

because of the headline, which reads, I mean the details are great too, but, pig steals camper's beer, gets drunk, and starts fight with a cow. Ha ha! Okay. That's good for today's draft. So the campers were out and about having some drinks,

left out 18 cans of beer. One pig? One pig. Oh brother. Pigs are heavyweights from what I hear. 18 cans of beer, pig gets drunk, pig starts messing around with a cow and picking a fight with a cow because it doesn't know where it's going, running around randomly.

I think I'll take the cow. I'll take the cow. Starts raiding the trash. Well, that's just normal pig stuff. And was nicknamed Swino. Okay. Instead of Wino. Okay. And so thatino. Okay, okay.

And so that's the whole story. I mean, there's not anything else to this. Other than this pig dead, I mean the sad part, it stumbled then into the road and was hit by a vehicle and died. Oh, for real? Yeah, later on in the story. It's so sleepy.

18 cans of beer. It's all sleepy 18 cans of beer So, yeah, he slurped down the liquid gold Went to the garbage bins began rooting around for a snack Pick picked on a nearby cow Huh and your eyes general pandemonium at the campsite. What would you do if there's a drunk pig running around your campsite? Like, you can't reason with that pig. Oh, usually you can, but this one's drunk.

So what are you going to do? So, uh, yeah, nothing. All right. All right, Mike, uh, mine is pretty short and sweet. It's just a, like number one, humanity. Let's be better to each other. And number two, let's be a little bit smarter about things. So-

Wait a minute, is this a PSA? Yeah, I mean, just a little bit, because a woman in Michigan, she was charged with trying to have her ex-husband murdered. Okay. With a musbund. Yeah, got me. And she had to plead guilty to multiple charges.

Okay, she's trying to get him murdered. Yes, and where do you think you would go to find such a debaucherous type of a thing. Well, of course you go to rent-a-hitman.com No, she didn't. Rentahitman.com and offered them $200. $200 bucks? I mean $200 bucks. I wouldn't... He wouldn't have killed that pig for 200 bucks. I believe that the that's a very low price, but Rent the hitman and so the owners of the website called the Michigan police are like, uh, Hey, she's really trying to do it He is soliciting us give trying to give us money to have someone killed. And so now that lady is in jail.

That's where she belongs. So that website exists as some sort of joke. I just- Did you go? I wasn't willing to go. I just typed it and I hit enter and then I went, what am I doing? I should not be going to rentahimhinn.com and closing out.

So I'm marked now. Sorry, honey. Uh, wow. Yeah, that'd be better. This is what, is that what we need to catch crime? Is just set up a bunch of domains? Honestly. Like, break into jewelry store .net. You have to be so stupid to do something

like that, that we should trap, we should do all the lowest hanging fruit traps possible. Yeah, absolutely. Cause if you fall victim to that trap that we should trap, we should do all the lowest hanging fruit traps. Absolutely. Because if you fall victim to that trap, you should be out of society. Tax fraud.biz. Right. Yeah, I just did howtogetawaywithmurder.com. See, that one's way better.

Yeah, I also got the.co. Oh, very nice. Just in case. Very nice. Well, real life never ceases. Yeah, what are people doing? To disappoint. The spitballers draft. Well, it has been a long time since we, uh,

since we got to battle it out in a battle Royale draft, but we're back. Mike has the first pick. It is a battle royale on a farm. Yes. Yeehaw! Goes along with the pig story already, which I don't know if you can draft the pig, but you can give it a go.

You can, yeah. Mike, you have the first pick. We are all on a farm. We are. We get to pick four items from the farm and we are going to fight it out to the death. So with the first pick here, many picks between this pick and the next one. So I was trying to think what is there like is there really a top weapon that I can get to to defend myself on a farm because there's a bunch of really cool stuff. But after I sorted through everything,

I realized with everything that you guys are gonna be bringing at me, I gotta be able to get around, and I gotta be able to get around quickly. Quickly is the key for me. So I am going to draft a horse. Yeah. I feel like a horse was good enough for the battles in old Europe, and really everywhere.

I mean, once we started fighting, we're like, hey, I'm going to jump on this horse, and I'm going to fight while I'm on this horse. So I feel if nothing else, you will never catch me. Well, you, I mean, you have to stay on the farm. Yeah. I mean, you can go around in circles or whatever. Yes. But you got to stay on the farm. That's fine. I didn go around in circles or whatever. Yes, but you gotta stay on the farm That's fine. I didn't even have horse on my top 14 pick

Oh, wow, a horse was definitely one of my top picks, but I'm the guy who chose my butt that is Which is available for this draft? Yeah, because if you're on the farm your butt is on the farm. All right So you went with a horse? Yes, I respect it Your butt is on the farm. All right So you went with a horse yes, I respect it hmm hmm Okay, so you know how to ride a horse Mike I Have ridden a horse several times okay, so you can get it up to speed yes. Yeah, you go And then you get it and you kick it in the butt all right all right

Which it's apparently that all the horse people tell me they're like just, just kick away, because you're not, you can't hurt a horse. You are doing nothing to this monster of a creature. It always seems mean. Yes, it does. Now with the spurs, I don't know, but with just your heels, they're like, okay, fine, I'll go. Yeah, they're pretty big. That's true, because if you're like on the ground

and petting a horse, you slap it for like, that's like a pat, like a good boy. You know? And then- Well I guess if my kid at three years old hits me as hard as he can, it doesn't do anything. Right. A horse is, they are-

They're bigger than me to a kid, right? It's a unit. These things are serious. All right. All right, well I'm going to get a big serious, I might not be able to catch you. Yeah. But eventually we are going to have to fight.

We're going to have to get at it. Okay. And I don't think your horse is going to help much. When I have a full armored tractor, I'm going to, I'm going to tractor with a plow blades, the little rotary blades. You don't get to have an armored tractor. You got a tractor, bro. I'm just saying that gonna tractor with a plow blades the little rotary blades. Yeah, you'll get to have an armored tractor You got a tractor brother tractor is armored. Okay. I'm not putting sheets of That was gonna probably be my number one pick so it's not the ride-on tractor you're on the where you're you have a door

You're the ride-in track. Yes I'm on the inside of this tractor good luck getting me get past these blades now are all track I have a horse I can sacrifice now are your have you run the tractor before I have yeah okay are those automatic are they manual I've never driven one so I would wait you had multiple people in a on a tractor he said if I ever been on a tractor, like Hayride type tractors. No, I kinda expected you to be the one driving

when I asked that. Yeah, that's what I thought. No, I haven't driven a tractor. And have you actually been on the tractor or were you pulled by a tractor? I've been on the tractor. Okay. I will say this, I can drive a manual.

So I'm not too worried if it's a stick shift. You're far more high T than me. I wasn't sure. Yeah. When's the last time you did a, when you drove a stick shift? Oh gosh, it's a stick shift. You're far more high-T than me. I wasn't sure. Yeah. When's the last time you did when you drove a stick shift? Oh, gosh, it's been a while now, but my first few cars were all manual. I could-

He's pretty old. It's like riding a bike. I could absolutely go get in a manual and ride no problem. I'm sure there's a slight difference to a track. You might be dead by the time you figure it out. Shr-shr-shr-shr. Well, that means you guys have kind of taken your- Transportation.

Transportation, which means I get two picks and I get my pick of the litter in terms of like- You do. Offensive weapons. Yep, there's some good ones. Unfortunately, there's a lot of them. So I don't know which one you guys think is the best, nor do I care because I'm gonna go with

what I think's the best. I'm going to go first with a sickle. Oh It's very on brand for your fantasy Reaper, yeah, I mean it's a common farm tool the sickle It's also what death chooses to use. Well, that's got an intimidation factor as well as a weapon death goes with a scythe Sickle scythe. Sickle scythe. Wait, those are different? I believe so. Wow.

I mean, the sickle is more hooked, right? I think the jest is very, they're very similar. But they are not. All right, so. But they're not the same thing. I can't even. I ended up with the word cliche when I tried to spell it. I was gonna say, I can't even find out information on this because I don't know how to spell it. I believe it starts with an scy

Yes, h e Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah, that is like it's the same thing as that would have that would have been my 43rd guess for how to spell that word. Yeah, they're the same. They're not a sickle shorter. Yeah Oh, so you which is more nimble. Oh, man, that. Yeah. Oh, so you got the shorter one? Which is more nimble. Oh man, that is way, so you don't have the big, tall. Right, because that's the size. That would have been a good pick. Maybe I'll grab one of those.

That's a great pick. The sickle's like the little handheld version. He still has another pick. Oh, he could double up. Just dual wield. Thank you, Mike, for knowing the difference between a sickle and a scythe. They do the same job gentlemen.

Just one that is- Cutting both your heads off is what they're doing. Better get real close. So unbelievable. Fine, you know what? I'm going to take advantage of a different part of warfare neither of you will have access to which is I'm going to put a backpack loaded pesticide sprayer. And I am going chemical warfare.

Nothing's off limits on this farm. Oh no, there's no Geneva Convention here. No. So you're getting some serious, dangerous long-term side effects from these pesticides. I would imagine- You're developing an eventual cancer growth of some sort. I would imagine that if you sprayed me in the face with pesticides, it would be short-term bad for me as well as long-term bad.

That's right. You'll just turn your windshield wipers on. My windshield wipers will turn on in my tractor and then I will mow you down. All right. All right. will turn on in my tractor and then I'll mow you down. All right, I am up. I'm gonna, now we're eventually gonna have to get to the weapons here, Andy, you're right. You got the weapon, you got the short little sickle.

It's not that short, they're various lengths. And so I'm going to take something that, honestly, I know that I've talked at length about how the greatest weapon of all time is a spear. Yeah. But I think I have really forgotten about the pitchfork because it's basically a spear with more pointy things. So, I mean. That's what it is, huh?

Yeah, it's like I'm King Trident now of the land. I mean, you can't throw a pitchfork the way you could a spear. Oh yes you can. Not with the same distance. I would think so. No, it's lesser aerodynamic. A spear is very, it's like an arrow. How many people shoot arrows, like shoot forks out of their bow and arrow?

No, but- Nobody. I bet that when it comes to throwing a spear and a pitchfork You're gonna be real close. I'm not throwing either. I'm gonna keep holding on. He's using it for dinner. Okay fine Yeah, I will be I will be stepping Andy while he tries to reach me with the sickle Mike you get two picks So I'm on my horse, this first pick. I'm going to take it. One, you get the intimidation factor.

Yes, I do realize more than likely I am ending my own life. All right, let's do this. Because I'm riding this horse, I got a chainsaw. Oh, chainsaw on a horse. Okay, chainsaws a... Feel bad for the horse. Is that a farm instrument? Oh, of course, farms have chainsaws.

It is on my list, it is on my list. Being on your list does not answer that question. Well, everything that's on my list came from looking up farm research, so... Yeah, well, anything can technically be used on a farm. Fine. You got a chainsaw on your horse. Yeah, you got to do a lot of cuts.

How many children's books with farmers are wheeled in chainsaws? 100% of them. I don't know. How many children's farm books are there? You in on this chainsaw thing, Al? Yeah. Yeah. I had to do a little research, but yeah, it says most farmers and rural landowners

own chainsaws for a variety of purposes. You're darn right. They got a lot of things. Rural landowners. Okay. They're gonna do some cutting. All right, you know, just trying to play the game. And farmingbase.com has the five best chainsaws for use in 2022.

What's the number one? I don't know. That's the one I got. So I've got a chainsaw. Husqvarna 96. Yeah, be quiet. 76. Thank you for, thank you for chiming in. All right. So I've got, I'm on the horse. I have the chainsaw just like a farmer. Go on. Did you know that the saw of the farmer and the Dell talks about his chainsaw. That's what the Dell was. It is really funny. It is really funny to visualize this guy on a horse. Like I'm a farmer. Yes. You got a piece of straw in your mouth though. All outdoor

people use chainsaws to cut trees down, but farmers and chainsaws are not commonly connected. How do you think I cleared that farmland? with my sickle Yeah, I got a reach so For my my third pick here. I am going to go Now we're getting pictures of chainsaws I'm going to go with something that I found that I had not heard of. So you need a hand-held weapon just in case I have to go up very close with Mr. Short Sickle over here. It's apparently called a Slater Hammer. A Slater Hammer. Look it up. It's a real a Slater hammer. A Slater hammer.

Look it up. It's a real neat looking hammer. Slater hammer. Yeah. And this is, oh so it's like a little pitchfork hammer. Yeah. Not pitchfork, axe. Yes.

It looks like a snow pick. That's a snow pick climbing instrument. It's called, did you find it called, I found it on a farm website called a Slater hammer. It looks dope. It's for roofing tasks What are you picking man? I don't know It's I'm going off a farm equipment that I'm finding if you draft something that doesn't belong on a farm when you show up At this battle royale your weapons not there Yeah, it's an empty space the referee would take a look at say sir. You're not yeah roofing

Yeah, please go do some roofing then why is is it on the farming website? Because they want to make money. They'll sell everything that they can. You can't just go to a farming website. What? Yes, you can. No, because they'll sell everything. Like we have already Battle Royale in a Home Depot, right? Go to a farmers only website or whatever. Not a website. Go to a farmers. Farmers only. if you go to a farming store you can still buy all the things we bought in a Home Depot guys are destroying this draft nope I think the chainsaw holds up I don't think the

Slater hammer does really from what I can tell okay I'll change my pick sounds like you it sounds like you have to I was totally gonna let it slide. Okay, fine, I'll hatch it. Okay. Okay. Hatch it. Fine, I'll take a hatch. I feel like it would have been better for us to have the Slater hammer. People wouldn't have known what that is. Yeah, but I want people to learn about it

because it's really cool. It was pretty cool looking, I will admit that. All right, where are we at? What do I have? Tractor and a pitchfork. Oh, that's true farming equipment, Andy. You said you guys. He lumped me in with Mike here.

You were Team Chainsaw. That's why I lumped you in. Oh, that's fair. Okay, I'm going with one that I got this from just all I did, and I was trying to put myself in the mind of the farm. I was trying to put myself on the land. And so I Googled farm. And then I went and I looked at pictures of farms.

And one of the things that was common there were these big windmills. Was it behind all the chainsaws? Right, right behind the chainsaws were big windmills. And I'm taking a windmill blade, I'm taking it off, I'm ripping one of those blades off this windmill. like a yeah like the old school like yeah okay yeah and I'm taking a windmill blade off my beautiful windmill at the farm and I'm I'm running y'all down with this thing are those sharp I hope so I worry that

they are made of paper they're not made made of paper. They're not made of paper. I wouldn't be worried about that. I'm hoping it's metal and it's super sharp. Well, I'm back on the clock, my final two picks. Number one, you both have mobility. Yes. I don't. And I'm not drafting a counter ride, okay? Yeah. I'm not an idiot. It'd be real slow.

Any drunk big can pick a fight with a... And I gotta get close to you, right? I got this little sickle, which is like a pocket knife apparently. And then I've got a pesticide sprayer. So what am I gonna do? The most realistic scarecrow possible. Oh!

You're gonna go in for the kill and I'm gonna ninja you from behind. Okay! The scarecrow is gonna distract you it only work once But I like it. I'm taking the scarecrow. I think you only need it to work once Well, there's two of us Mike. Yeah, but well, I'll turn your corpse into the other scarecrow. Oh, okay. That's actually really good That's just a good tip for the future It's me. I'm Jason.

I'm really alive. Sick. Sickle. And then this next pick, boy, it's going to be a good one. So I got to really build it up. I guess I'm going to go for a kind of fort building. I'm not going to be mobile like you guys. I need a little fort.

I'm going a number of hay bales are coming with me. I'm building a miniature little fortress for myself with these hay bales. So made out of hay. Yes, the most armored hay. But the thing. Should we draft some fire? No, I'm not gonna draft fire.

I'm gonna draft the thing that that eats. Hey, right Okay, your horse. Yeah, you're gonna eat the way through the whole fort Hold on I'm eating your fortress Slow a horse tongue coming through. All right, Jason, you have one final pick. You have a tractor, a pitchfork, and a windmill blade. Well, this is an animal farm that I'm from. That's the kind of farm that I raise. What do you do with the farm? I don't know.

Live, I live on an animal farm. And one of the things that we have just basically infinity of, I mean, I have an endless supply of these because it's such a big animal farm. And I am taking those fresh eggs. And I've got- Oh, you're egging us?

Oh, I'm egging you like crazy. You're not even going rotten eggs, you're just going fresh eggs? No, because- It's all the same. Yeah, I mean, eventually it'll- One is real smelly. Well, sure, but I'm still there.

I don't wanna smell these rotten eggs. So I'm gonna take these eggs., but I'm still there. I don't want to smell these rotten eggs. So I'm going to take these eggs. Okay. I'm going to throw them. I'm going to open the door for my tractor, throw some eggs at you, shut that door, drive slowly away, wait for you to come by. I'll have my pitchfork ready. Okay. And I have decided that the windmill, the arm of the windmill that I broke off, I have attached that like a feather onto my tractor. It's now decoration. I don't even need it between my eggs

and my pitchfork and my tractor. Mike is on the chainsaw with a horse and a hatchet. So you're one-handing the chainsaw? Oh yeah. And you were worried about killing yourself when you had two hands on it. Yeah, I had already said. Did you cut the head off your own horse on accident?

It's very possible. Either the horse is that or my head. That you cut the head off your own horse on accident? It's very possible. Either the horse is dead or my head. That's a new definition for headless horsemen. Yes. One of us has got to go. He's not so sleepy. And, okay, I'm going to...

And I'm going to have just the... This is my final backup plan. Should everything... You'll catch the pun, should everything go to poop. Ooh. I am going to have a barrel full of manure. Wait, how is this your backup plan? Because if I gotta light this thing on fire.

Oh. And kapoop us. Kapoop us. It's gonna go kapoop. Because I imagine I will mortally wound myself immediately with this chainsaw But then I will just sit there so manure is really flammable. I mean it's they use it in it like explosives, right? Do they oh, yeah Okay, I didn't know that cuz I know we're not flammable that will be a funny moment on the battlefield

It's like fertilizer light light. Yeah. Yeah. But fertilizer is okay. Cause of the methane. Yes. All right. I'm in. And then I thought you might be hiding yourself underneath it. I don't know why you were trying to throw it. Yeah. I can't throw a barrel of manure. No, I thought you were going to reach in, grab little pieces of manure and throw it as like little scat bombs. I, I loved it. This battle royale turned into the final draft. I'm hiding behind the hay while both of you throw eggs and poop. Yeah Why we did it we did it we are we are battling Mike on a horse with a chainsaw and a hatchet and a barrel of manure Jason with the tractor pitchfork windmill blade and some eggs. I have a sickle. It's a baby sky

Pesticide sprayer a scarow, and some hay bales. I did have some other picks. Yeah, likewise, what were yours? I thought I could throw seeds in your eyes. Oh yeah. Some seeds, you know, you're planting some seeds. I'd have to close my eyes for a couple seconds. I thought about a pickaxe and hoe.

A hoe, yeah, for sure, for sure, it's on my list. I didn't know how many chickens I would get if I drafted some chickens Maybe I could release them cause some panic on the battlefield. Yeah, if you had enough chickens I thought about a big shovel baseball kick a big old shovel. Yeah, I kind of wanted a wood chipper. Oh but High dead anymore. Yeah high damage, but I have to like get you into the wood chipper Yeah High damage. It could have been a more, yeah. High damage, but I have to get you into the wood chipper. Yeah, my number, the 101, according to when I was looking up what our main farm equipment, every single place had this on it.

I did not draft it because I was like, it's not exclusive to a farm, but it was on every list I saw. And it would have been the 101. It was a pickup truck. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. That makes sense. That's a weapon.

With my last pick. With my last pick, I'll take a pickup truck and run your horse down. I also had a story going, I was going to have an old time well on my farm and I was going to take the bucket on the rope. Oh yeah. Yeah, swing that thing around. I was thinking you were drafting the well and trying to trick us to fall down. Come over here. I should have done that then I could have used the bucket on the rope and pushed you in a well. Okay Mike did

you have any backups? You know like some shears, parachute, a gun. A lot of farmers have guns. A pickup truck I would have let go. I mean that was a good pick. I will draft pickup truck. It has to be like an old Chevy blue pickup truck. It barely runs. Well, no it runs forever because it's American made from the 50s. At a fence post? Yeah, that's pretty good. Oh, barbed wire. Oh dang it. That would have been real good.

Yeah, that's pretty good. Oh, barbed wire. Oh, barbed wire. Oh, dang it. That would've been real good. Dry dung fuel or dry manure is animal feces that has been dried in order to use as a fuel source. Yeah. All right, that's pretty good.

And it smells. And we're back to the colonic. All right. What did we learn today? Well, I definitely learned that you do a colonic in someone's house. That blew my mind. I thought this was a doctor visit. I learned that a sickle and a scythe aren't the same thing.

I learned that the root canal, your tooth will be okay. You thought it would just kill the tooth. I thought over a long enough time once you have one you had to eventually replace the tooth now Are you more open-minded about a root canal? I still don't want one. Yeah Thank you for tuning in everybody tell your friends about the show. We'll see you next time. Goodbye Thanks for listening to the spitballers podcast to see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.