Spitballers Comedy Podcast - Teleportation Troubles & Things That Are Green - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: January 2, 2025

Spit Hit for Jan 2nd, 2025: On today’s show, we discuss important topics like naked teleportation, musical dreams, jellyfish stings, and lots more! To close out the show, Andy, Mike, and Jason take turns drafting things that are green! Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike and Jason. Making a scene in my lean green mean machine. Alright. Okay. Okay. I didn't like that. making a scene in my lean green mean machine alright yeah okay I didn't like it I won't even pretend it's fine

we were there you didn't crash land I am because you also didn't I never never took off. There was no flight. I was a passenger on the tarmac for eight hours and then they said sorry folks. They definitely back into the airport. We taxied you out to the runway. Oh yeah. And back to them. They turned the AC off. It was one 10 in the summer. We're all sweltering and then they are now de-boarding this plane. Oh my goodness. Speaking of like that plan, is a little bit of a current event thing,

but did you guys see there was some unfortunate, like huge storms in New Zealand and they had to, like the airport got flooded. Really? The inside of the airport and there were flights. So two flights, a flight from Dubai and a flight flight from Dallas They were halfway there and they had to turn around

so Imagine Which I mean, that's not a short flight. It's no fault of it. It was like it's just it's a natural disaster What are you gonna do? But imagine being? One of those people you've planned probably for months a whole bunch of money to go to New Zealand. A dream destination for many, for many, many people when it comes to a vacation. You're five hours over the middle of the ocean. And then the pilot's like, sorry folks, we got to turn around. And then you fly five hours back.

Yeah, a 10 hour flight to nowhere. For nothing, for nothing? I mean- Oh man. When you land on your right where you took off. I was like, I was so bummed for those people. That would be the most helpless feeling too. Because it's not like, I mean at least if you just landed where you were you're done

with the flight right and you can be mad but this is like you get to wait to be sad. Just drop me off somewhere. Right. Open the door. Just pick a destination land and that's where I'm vacationing now. Wow, that is a... Five hours? That's a bad, bad break. I was talking to my wife about it. I'm like, we need to remember this. Cause everyone has... Oh, when you have a bad flight? It's not as bad as this?

When you have a bad flight experience, just remember, there was two planes of people who flew for five or six hours turned around. No. I'm like, it's the ultimate, I'm gonna turn this car around. I will turn this jumbo jet around. Did you ask her if we're there yet? Wow that's yeah that's a tough time. All right let's jump right in. Would you rather? Amy from the website would you rather go for a three mile... I'd rather fly a plane. Would you rather go for a three mile run on a hot day in the sun or in the shade but next

to a very stinky sewage treatment plant? So you're going on a three mile run no matter what. You're either doing a hot day in the sun, which three hours, that's a lot. Wait, it's taking you an hour to run a mile? It says, oh, okay. I thought three hour run. It's a three mile run. My bad.

You said that's really slow. Yeah. That's like, that's army crawling. I really read three hour run. Okay. That makes the hot day easier. How long would it take you guys to run three miles? Do you think I? Probably

27 to 30 minutes. I'd say under 30 for sure cuz that's just lollygagging at a at a moderate jog yeah, 10 minutes is a is a the pace I'm gonna count just because I feel like the first mile will be good and then the next two I'll be like annoyed by the sun and hot and probably stop and walk a little bit. If I was running for time. Eight minute mile? Yeah, maybe. Maybe get that down to 24-ish.

Yeah, but you're not doing, I mean, I'm not in running shape. You're doing the third mile in eight minutes? No, that's why it's probably gonna be like 25 to 30 minutes. Yeah, I'm gonna give myself 30 minutes. They say it's like 15 minutes to walk a mile. Okay. So 45 minute walk in.

I can get that down to 30. You can get it down to 41, 40. Now, would you jog or would you power walk? I would jog, I would jog. I think power walking looks too stupid for my taste. But you don't get nearly as winded and it doesn't hurt your knees and your shins. One of the keys to appearance while running is if you need a break, like you're slowing down and you need to walk a little bit on like a street and people are going to see

you is you have to visibly be doing something to fix your equipment. Like tying your shoe? You gotta be like tying your shoe or like adjust. It's really nice to pull out your phone and adjust like your AirPods or like act like something's wrong while you rest and then resume because you wouldn't have stopped if you didn't have to. Well, can you just, can your equipment be like your knee? Can you be like, oh, oh, and then you're, oh, man, you got a good limp here for about a quarter of a mile.

You want to bring a lot of braces and wraps Yeah, it is the absolute stupidest thing But I can't be like I've had a lot of people have had running phases I had a running phase where I ran a lot and I would legit have those thoughts of like when you're when you're walking and Then a car happens to drive by like, okay, that guy thinks I'm lame. I think I'm in really bad shape. Like, did you see

me running? I just ran for 10 minutes straight. Why, why do we think of these things? The person didn't even look at me. And I'm like, the world is all about me. I'm so self-conscious. This person definitely saw me taking my break and thinks that that's a pathetic runner over there. That's 100% the feeling. It's just human nature. It's why when you take a group photo and you look at that photo, you know who you're looking at.

You're looking right to only yourself. There's a bad photo. No one else is looking at anybody but themselves. Everybody's fine. No one sees you. Only you see you. But I remember being a kid and I'm playing basketball outside my house and it doesn't matter I'm just playing. I'm trying to make 10 free throws in a row. I make some, I miss some. But if a car drives

by, oh my goodness, boom, watch these moves, watch me dribble behind my back. They got to know I'm good. I better make that shot. It might be a scout. You never know. You're right. That's funny. Now the other option here than the hot sun, which is miserable, is a stinky sewage treatment plant. But you were in the shade, in the shade.

I mean, it's nice. They say you got it made there. Yeah, I mean. Yes, that is where it is made. The shade is delightful. The hot sun. I mean, I'm taking the sewage plant. To give context. You're taking those gasps?

What, gasps? Well, yeah, when you're out of air running. You guys know what this is like. You've had something where there's something stinky in the house, right? Maybe it's a bad, a good example would be like the chicken goes bad or something, you open the fridge and that aroma fills.

Now it's awful. But what happens is, is within about three or four minutes, you have now gotten used to it. And if someone from outside the house walks in, they go, oh, what's that smell? But you're like, oh, I thought it was gone. That's stinky chicken, though. That is not, I mean, how big is the package

of the stinky chicken? That's a pound of? Like when I go by the stinky chicken plant. I'm just saying, it's like a pound of meat in a tiny little yeah previously sealed bag and how noxious is this situation oh it's gonna be bad I think we I think we as human beings we get adjusted to bad smells no matter how bad they are we can but how but you're not getting like miles have you ever okay have you ever visited one of a farm yes that's what I was going to say is I've

been to a dairy farm where you show up there and it's miles and miles of cow poop. You know when you're close. Yes, you do. You're like, oh, you ever driven through the panhandle? I mean, same thing. Sorry, Oklahomans out there, but I mean, your place stinks. Someone's got to raise the cows. Your place stinks. But you get used to it. And I think we're in Arizona here. When the context of you're out in the hot sun, it's different here. Sure. You're out in the hot sun. Is this Arizona sun? I mean, this is where I'm running. This is where I live. It's a're out in the hot sun, it's different here. Sure. You're out in the hot sun.

Is this Arizona sun? I mean, this is where I'm running. This is where I live. It's a hot day in the sun. I am not, I don't go to my car in the hot days in the Arizona sun. Running a three miles, I won't finish the three miles in the sun.

What month is it? Hot. We have to establish a month. August. Okay, so. Yeah, I think you're taking the sewage. You have to for risking death. It's that hot if you're trying to run three miles.

It doesn't help that when you run you need to breathe a lot. Yes. And that's bad next to the sewage plant. But again, three miles in the hot sun, that's... I mean, I'm not dying in the Arizona sun that's I mean I'm not dying in the Arizona Sun in three miles I'm not but I am you're gonna have a really bad day yeah I've got the speed dial for the old 9-1-1 I mean it's because you need speed dial for that yes for the record I've got a short nap function one I've trimmed it down to two buttons. I'm like such an idiot saying that. I have a voice program where I say, hey phone, please

call me an emergency service. I need assistance. Thank you. Yes. Saving time. That number is 999 over in Europe, by the way. They just stick with one number. That feels smarter. Yeah I'm sure we knew about it and we were like we will never we will never do what you do. No the King's number? No way. Also feels like you could make a mistake a little easier though. With 999? Yeah. Oh like accidentally call it. Yeah like 888? No no. I'm just saying just you you hit you're sitting on a button or yeah something an accidental Oh, I know calls have to be higher than 911 calls. Yeah, I agree with that Yeah, you can't just hit three nines and then you're calling

Calling emergency, but if you're saying your butt dialing you would have to lean Release the pressure lean I think if you hold isn't there something like if you hold nine, it just calls 911? Let's find out. I feel like there's something on phones. There's some special stuff. Don't try this at home.

I'm going to go, I think I'll get used to the smell. I'm going sewage plant in the shade. If you give me, I'll say October through April, I'll take the sun. And then the other months, I'll take the sun. And then the other months I'll take the sewage plant. I'm gonna smell like a sewage plant if I'm running three miles anyways, so just put me next to it.

Which one, if bystanders are watching you, think make you more dedicated to the running? The hot sun, right? The sun, yeah, because then they're like, oh, now that's a man. Look at him out in the sun. Look at that sweat. Look at that idiot in the sun. Look at that sweat. Look at that idiot.

That guy's really burning some calories. I do admit to thinking that when I'm driving, and there's people that run in the summer, and you drive by, you go, that's an idiot. Yeah, that's fair. Ali from Twitter, would you rather be able to play any single instrument you choose or be a masterful lyricist?

Ooh, fun. Only get one instrument. Would you rather be able to play any single instrument you choose or be a masterful lyricist? Oh Fun I only get one instrument. Well, what would be our instrument? This is this is a bat. So for Mike, he's got to get rid of the ability to play many instruments Honestly, I would choose if I could be a master pianist. I would choose that I would yeah, I'd probably go that way too You know, I'm already a masterful lyricist, so just give me the piano and I'll be set. Of course. For the lyricist, are we talking like, I did want to define that.

One of these people, can I just write really well if you give me an amount of time, or is this the people who have the like Eminem or Lin-Manuel? That's who I was going to my mind first, Lin-Manuel Miranda. Yeah, butch going to my mind first, Lin-Manuel Miranda. Yeah, butchered his name. But where you can just, they give you a beat,

and then you just go, and you tell a story that has a plot, and you rhyme, and that stuff, that blows my mind that people could do that. Yeah, I think it's both end. I think that just like those guys, you're gonna win your rap battle But you're also able to put pen to paper and make it even better And that seems

the more valuable Oh, yeah, I mean because you you you could put that stuff into like public speaking you do rhyming Rhyming is so powerful. What if there was a politician that that's the only way they spoke? Oh, I'm like, yes, and like I mean like you'll see some you know, like some preachers They'll get into a rhyme scheme and you're like, oh, you just okay. Okay, like you're getting fired up Like you can only take so much of that. Rhyming is powerful. You're not gonna do a 10 minute speech. that's just all rhymes. I feel like that would be...

I mean, you've heard the poetry that's like, it's not necessarily like sing-song rhyming. Yeah, it's not Dr. Seuss. It's just like the longer story that all of a sudden, oh, there's the rhyme! Oh, there's the rhyme! Your rhyme schemes can fluctuate. You don't have to be the dog sat on the log. I don't know how often I would be using my masterful lyricist ability. What? On the reg, man. I mean you do talk for a living.

Yeah, but this isn't saying that I'm a good public speaker. This is saying I'm a masterful lyricist for writing words to music. That's fair. So it's like... It doesn't have to be to music. Is that not what So it's like, I just... It doesn't have to be to music. Is that not what lyrics are? I'm saying, but a lyricist thinks the exact same thing as like writing a poem. A poem is lyrics without music. It's got to be narrowed down to... A lyricist is a person who writes the words to a popular song or musical.

Right, but I'm saying if you can do that, you can also write poetry. None of which will help you on fantasy football discussions. Right, but I'm saying if you can do that you can also write poetry. None of which will help you on fantasy football discussions. Right. Unless you're gonna write, I mean you probably have like a little bit every week. Yeah. Where you do a rhyme. Right, like picking a kicker or something, but I guess I guess I do have. It would be incredible. I mean so I already am clearly a master lyricist. Yeah, Kyle, You are definitely masterful. But if I could, like I guess what I'm saying is, if I could just absolutely free form a rap battle,

and I was really, really good at it, I don't believe that I would go participate in those things, I just don't care. I wouldn't wanna go. You wouldn't write a musical next week. But if I could play the piano, I would play the piano every day. I would don't care. I wouldn't. You wouldn't write a musical next week. But if I could play the piano, I would play the piano every day. I would enjoy doing that. Like even if I'm by myself. But you're a musical guy. Wouldn't

that be a dream come true? It would be awesome to write a musical. I mean, that would be the one huge win. I honestly think that that's one of the coolest aspirational things to ever accomplish because you write this this you write a play a musical You're writing songs you are directing you have people come and perform your vision you get I don't know everything about it, but if I was a great lyricist, I could not write a musical You can write half of it I mean cuz you wouldn't have the music. I don't have the I don't have the music

I can't come can, I mean. You're saying cause you wouldn't have the music part? I don't have the music, I can't come up with the music. So I'm taking the music. What instrument would Mike pick if everyone else, every other instrument on earth is gone, you have one instrument that you're great at. You're saying that I can't currently play? No, I'm just saying like this question, just you got one instrument you can play.

I mean like if I could keep my ability that I already have as a guitar player and then be a master piano player, I would do it. There's just there's so many aspects of life where there's a piano or a keyboard around. Like we weren't we had a company party and we got this this guy who works for us Andy Schneider and he's a tremendous musician he's a great piano player and we're at it's the end of like towards the end of the party and you sat down he started playing and then everyone in the room just starts singing. It was a great piano player. And we're at it's the end of like towards the end of the party and he sat down he started playing and then everyone in the room just starts singing. It was a great

time. I mean it felt like a bit from a movie where when you see people do it on the screen like that doesn't happen. Like that's so it's cringy. It's nerdy. We did it. Yeah it was a freaking blast. It happened naturally like someone started playing the piano everyone's singing Yeah, I'm probably but but if you had to only like you had to get rid of all Things you could play because right now you can play a lot of different right and you can only pick one I'd be a guitar. Okay. Yeah, this is more like that's the the nuclear bomb goes off and you grab one instrument to save You'd go guitar Yeah, it's easier to carry than it is You'd go guitar? Yeah.

It's easier to carry than a piano. It is. You ever carry a grand on your back? No. I'm taking the music, I'm taking the piano, and I'm realizing that I think that if I was a master piano player, I could write a musical. I could do that with my current ability of lyricism. Yeah, I mean, like if you take away the,

you get one of these things and you tell me right now which direction do you need to work harder at to accomplish your goal? The not being able to play the piano in any capacity versus I could, you know what I mean? You could write lyrics. I could try to write lyrics. Maybe you're not a master.

Like if I had all the lyrics right now and I sat down at the piano. Exactly. What's happening after that moment is not good. It's nothing. Nothing is happening. Those guys are good. Yeah, I'd just be playing chopsticks and singing to it. Every lyric. Okay, one more here. Lee from Patreon, would you rather explore a deep sea cave filled with glowing jellyfish. Oh. Or a hidden lagoon filled with singing mermaids. What? What? Come on, Lee. Come on. Would you rather see like a pretty neat animal? That exists. Or a mythical creature that everyone has wanted to exist who has never been found

because it doesn't really exist? Which one would you pick? I'm going mermaid. Would you rather see some beautiful birds or the Loch Ness Monster? Oh man. Deep Sea Cave is cool but Hidden Lagoon is cool so those are neutral to me and I'll go with the singing mermaids deep sea cave. I'm also I'm a little concerned about the jellyfish generally somewhat concerned as well being I think you're okay because if you're in a deep sea cave You're you're covered in all of the the scuba gear like you're wearing what a full wetsuit and everything you So if I don't know what some I know because it's I mean, it's nice. They're glowing too. Yeah think you can get stung through a wetsuit. No. Because it's, I mean. Well, it's nice they're glowing too. Yeah, you can avoid them.

You can avoid them. It's like scorpions. At least they glow. Because it's, I mean, it's a, I thought it was a stinger of some kind. I thought it was just like electricity. That's the eel. Hmm.

Man, we got to figure this one out. I thought jellyfish had stings. I don't think you can get stung through. I don't think so either. I don't think it's long enough. It's like a mosquito trying to bite you through a wetsuit. Yeah. Now, if they were like octopus that could constrict you, that could still happen.

Yeah, it'll get you with that beetle. They can inject venom from thousands of microscopic barbed stingers. There you go. Yeah, so I think you're okay. Yeah, just don't wear a thin version. Yeah, wear the armor I always thought it was you get shocked by jellyfish. No, really? Yeah always like this is blowing my mind So when you've heard the expression a jellyfish sting like pee on a jellyfish sting you didn't I you figured that was electricity

You think it doesn't sting? Yeah This question turned into education. Yeah. Would you rather be able to teleport anywhere, but only completely naked? Well, yeah, it's the only way you could do it. Or be able to fly, but only while playing the accordion. Spencer wants to know. Oh man. See, at least, at least this one is very practical and realistic. Teleport anywhere but be completely naked, that's a, I mean.

That's a tough one. That is really, really tough because teleportation has always been like one of my favorite sci-fi tech hope for the future, whatever like that. Teleportation changes everything about the world but if and I could see a situation where if you could do that like the the biology of who you are can can be transported but not your shirt you know and it's like if that would be naked you're saying yeah you would be naked and then it's like well that would I don't want to teleport does your hair come with you oh that's a

look because your hair is dead. Yeah. Otherwise your fingernails wouldn't come with you. Oh, that'd be almost like teleportation is impractical. I'm far more concerned about this fingernail thing. I could I can make it through a few weeks of no eyebrows and no hair and is this under the basis that you can only teleport things that are quote unquote living? Yes. Organic material. Isn't there like other non-living parts of you? Like do you, when you leave, does your like... I think it's just your hair and your toenails and fingernails. Is your poop alive?

Oh, that's great. That means I've already... So you could teleport a poop out? Absolutely. That means you teleport from one spot to the same spot, but your bowels are empty. That's what I'm saying. And you're naked with no toen what I'm saying! Where does anything go? Where does anything go when you teleport? I mean it just drops straight to

me this is easy. There's just piles of poop and nails and hair and clothes and poop. So it's left behind when they teleport us. That's the most disgusting pile of anything I've ever heard of. So if you just teleport to the same spot, basically all your hair and clothes and poop just drop to the floor and you're naked hairless again. And I'm assuming it's very painful because you don't have nails at that point. Is it worth it then? That is the real issue. You are hairless, nailless.

And I think this is what Mike was trying to get to, is if you didn't have fingernails. Oh, that's, ow! You can't fix that. You can't survive. No, you just gotta wrap your fingers. Would the quick of your nails being exposed, would that hurt by not being touched? Yes, yes, air.

Oh gosh. By not being touched? Yes. Like air. Oh man. That actually sounds like this is a whole new question. Because if teleportation just straight up existed, but that was the price. Then I would not teleport. You would not? No! You can't take your fingernails off? I mean

I assume society would become, there'd be like a product for that. Yeah, I mean, I assume society would become, there'd be like a product for that. Yeah, I mean, you'd- Like a gel. At the teleportation receiving location, that terminal. The nudity terminal.

I would imagine that they have some things to put your fingers in quickly. You just instantly put your hands in two big gelatin barrels. If you're always naked when you teleport, and let's say that nails don't come off, you just have to be okay walking a little while. Like just be 300, 400 yards away from civilization at all time when you transport.

Yeah, but I mean the chance- And you transport in the woods. Your chance of- Where are you getting clothes though? Exactly. Eventually you have to go somewhere that has clothes and that has people and that has problems getting arrested. I mean, that's if you can teleport and you show up naked. Is that a but is it like is it a free pass so that you won't get arrested if you just say oh recently teleported here. Oh of course you give them the teleportation

hand signal you know. I guess I just TPed'd here yeah I guess I wouldn't fear being locked up if I could teleport now flying whatever you can't yeah you want to arrest me bye I'm gone here's my hair my poop and my nails enjoy oh no they've got my DNA hope you got a mop Oh, no, they've got my DNA. Hope you got a mop But now flying with the accordion that would be just like that's okay to me That's fantastic Cuz it's like instead of grabbing like a wingsuit you just grab your accordion and start playing and you take off if you ask Me would would you rather it's weird Al flying would you rather fly? He can play would you, bro. Would you rather fly? But he can play. Would you rather fly?

Or would you rather fly while playing an accordion? Just that. I mean, I might choose I'd rather fly with an accordion because heck yeah, man, that's pretty fun. I think they're heavy. Well, I don't think that's a problem if I can fly. But no, I'm saying it's not going to affect your flight, but you'll still have to carry the weight of it around your neck. I mean, it's got like a strap, right? Yeah, but you you'll still have to be you'll have to carry the weight of it

It's got like a strap, right? Yeah, aren't they heavy and you'll look ridiculous It can't be too heavy to have clothes on clothes on it's not like people don't play an accordion for a concert Flying is kind of like oh, I gotta put this down accordions on average weigh 15 to 20 pounds That ain't nothing that's 20 pounds to have to fly around with that pushing down on your neck? I mean you'd have to build up some, you know, accordion muscles.

Yeah, you gotta do neck exercises. I guess I'm gonna take the accordion one because flying is like slow teleportation, right? Yeah, straight line anywhere is Pretty nice. Very, very nice. I will definitely fly with an accordion. Mike? Yeah, I'll take the accordion.

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can see how you're spending your money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps you find and cancel unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills so that you can grow your savings. They have over five million users and have saved a total of 500 million and canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when using all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash ballers today. That's rocketmoney.com slash ballers rocketmoney.com slash Ballers. Another edition of What's the Difference? Here we go. What is the difference between a colleague, a coworker, and a cohort? A colleague, a coworker, and a cohort?

Now, I'm gonna be honest, I have no real idea what a cohort is. It sounds like a group to me. To me, that would be something where you're not, you're not connected to the same company at all. Whereas a colleague and a coworker to me seem like, well a coworker definitely is. Like a colleague is someone who is in your field. Yes.

But you do not work with them. No, you can work with them. You could, but I'm saying they don't work at your company. They're just, I am a scientist. You are also a scientist. My colleague. I'm at MIT. You're at some other university. That part's definitely true, but I'm not sure

that it can't apply to in the company. Yeah, I think it could be in the company, but it has to be, you do the same topic. A colleague of yours, and you are a colleague of theirs, means that we are in the same field 100 without question That's that's what a colleague is if Coworker you're punching in at the same time with them, right? You guys same company. You guys are my colleagues No, we're your co-workers. Yeah, we're your co-workers. Well sure, but I mean we're in the same field

Aren't you a colleague of mine? I don't say that like some of our books Sorry, bud. You're not a colleague. Oh like some of our looks sorry bud you're not a colleague oh agree that looks is not a colleague he's not he's a producer I don't know produce nobody in the bigger in the bronze broad scheme we're all in the same field like Brooks could say he's where so I don't know if we're colleagues in the same building I think cuz I think co-worker is a is a more is a closer connection colleague would be like another host of another podcast somewhere else. Colleague is like an acquaintance

except they do the same job as me. That's fair, that's fair. You're closer to a coworker. A coworker is someone that you- Well, you may hate them, it's possible. Absolutely. But physically you're closer. Yeah, and there is a certain amount of time

that must be shared with that coworker. A hort is- Yeah, what is a certain amount of time that must be shared with that coworker. A hort is. Yeah, what is a hort? Let's start there. Cause like, it's like I'm a host or I'm a co-host. So if you're a cohort, you probably got a hort somewhere. Yeah. I mean, that's the step one is figuring out what a hort is.

Well, I know it, it hears a hoop. It does hear a hoo. Right. So, no, I like it. It hears a who it does hear who? Right. Um, they did. No, no, no. I like it. I like it a lot. I, that yeah. Horton hears a who we're though. It's Hort. Hort hears Hort. That's what his mother calls him. Okay. Yeah. We call him Hort. Like his coworkers call him. I'm not sure cohort has anything to do with this question.

That's the part that's bothering me. Core feels like you're going to sentence. It's a bunch of people. It's a bunch of people that work No, we're working in a location together, but they don't they're not related to each other, but that's cohorts There's a singular like what no yes. No a cohort is a plural word is it I? Don't I? Demand the cohort a cohort is a good Webster on the phone I've got a group of people with a shared characteristic. Yeah. Which we're not supposed to look it up in this section.

Well, I mean, you looked it up in your mind. But yes. Good job. Wow, incredible. A cohort of civil servants patiently drafting legislation. A group of people with a shared characteristic. Yeah. Okay.

I think what we understand here is it's a stupid word. Yeah let's get that let's get that out of here. For sure. Banished. Basically you have a colleague or you have a cohort of colleagues is what it sounds like. I just feel like colleague is more I don't know it's just an elevated term. I can feel like colleagues are reserved as specifically for like professors of the same thing at different know. It's just an elevated term Like I feel like colleagues are reserved as specifically for like professors of the same thing at different universities It would it would it would a janitor? Yeah, one of my colleagues would he call another janitor a colleague. Yes, you're in this Yeah, but everyone would chuckle it feels like a colleague

Requires a diploma Yeah, it requires otherwise. It's just a colleague requires a diploma. Yeah, it requires otherwise it's just a coworker. Yeah, I mean, a colleague, I think you have to have some kind of education interest. So you're saying like when you're you're like a cashier at Mickey D's, you don't have like Burger King. They're not your colleagues over there. They don't have colleagues. No, a colleague requires a diploma.

At a minimum, there has to be a conference you go to with your other colleagues. Yes. Okay, now we're talking. If there's not a conference... There is no cashier conference. No, not for the fast food. Okay. I think that's a big key, because you've got to invite your colleagues to the conference.

Yes. And everyone knows what a co-worker is. It's someone you work with. I mean, come on. Yeah. Like Like grow up. Why even ask this question? Speaking of why would we ask this question? What is the difference between a lawyer and attorney and counsel? Nothing. Oh, just full on nothing? Yeah, I mean, there's no difference between that. They're all the same. A lawyer, an attorney. Counsel is a group. Yeah, you can make the argument that counsel is a group of your...

It's a cohort of lawyers. It's multiple representatives for you. Yeah. I mean, it is a cohort of lawyers. I feel like a lawyer is better than an attorney. Now, see, I think the opposite. Really? I mean, I think they're the same.

No. But, yeah. Att think they're the same. No. But yeah. Attorneys went to bad colleges. No. Lawyers, lawyers from Stanford. Who's doing the commercials? Attorneys. Attorneys are doing like, no.

Yeah, those are the people chasing after car accidents. Those are lawyers? Yeah. Those are accident attorneys. Yeah! Oh, boom! Accident what? Attorneys. Those are accident attorneys. Yeah. Oh, accident. What attorneys?

Attorneys are the people going after small accidents and, and, you know, ambulance chasing. They, they got their degree probably online and a lawyer. They've got really white teeth. Yes. Yes. A lawyer. They're on the side of buses. Lawyer went to school longer than an attorney. That's for sure. I Know the phrase opposing counsel gets thrown out there, right? Well, they there's opposing counsel would be all the lawyers who represent the opposition. Yeah, right and then there's the prosecution Well see in England, I think they call them counselors

No, those are people that you see down who help. Yeah, like we all have We got to work through some things. And they wear wigs over there still, right? Yes, of course. I think they do. Of course. Wait, do they really? No, I think there's some wig wearing.

No. Yes. We're still doing that? I think there's some wig wearing over there. Yes. Now, I'm not joking. For real? Yes.

Is that because we look at people with gray hair and you're like, that person's old, so they have to be wise? Is that why they went with the gray wigs? I don't know. I think it's tradition at this point. So like the people who are in their 20s, it's like a shortcut to gaining years of wisdom. Like when Superman takes off the glasses,

all of a sudden he is a superhero, but when they're on he's weak and he's Clark Kent. So when I'm in my 20s and I'm an attorney if I put the wig on people start giving me some serious respect I feel like now you're here. We go. Here we go in the UK Nothing is more British than the iconic white wig judges and attorneys where barristers and what they're called over there. There's um like the Bears No, like the banisters on a set of stairs No, like the banisters on a set of stairs. Many of the judges and barristers who wear wigs

They look so stupid. Say the headpiece brings a sense of formality and solemnity to the courtroom. Solemnity? Thank you. You're welcome. Have you ever used that word before? No, all the time.

I've never used that. So wait. And they want uniformity. They really still do this. Yes. I'm looking at photos. Because they think it makes them look more professional. It makes bring some formality to the room. It makes that that this is unbelievable. The ridiculous black getup doesn't doesn't do that. Not enough. The robe. Like that's why I wear two ties instead of one. Okay, here's the question like

Acceptable places to wear a robe. The courtroom. The bathroom? Your room? The spa? The spa? Like you just exited a shower or... The judge. When you're giving someone life in prison. That's true. How is this a thing? What is going on? You don't put any credence into the formality of such things of the wig I don't know. I'm just trying to defend the way for a minute. I get it like if you show it's like it's indefensible But there is no attorney who would take the case

Would you say and I know the answer but would you say that like, you know, obviously for weddings There's a lot of tradition in weddings, right people right? Wedding dress wedding dress and they dress people wear formal tuxedo and add something to it right absolutely it does and and these these wigs I think not that you couldn't be married in shorts and a t-shirt but it just there's a formality I think there's some effort that the wigs do add say but quite a bit but the the official at the wedding is not wearing a wig from the 1760s. No, because... That says respect me.

Right. It adds quite a bit. I'm looking at pictures here of these barristers. Thank you. And... Salaminity. Well said. And it adds quite a bit.

It makes me have such a lack of respect for every single person wearing it. I look and I go, you put that on your head. This is a choice. This is a choice. You did this. It doesn't, I mean, it doesn't cover the sides of their head. You could see their hair under this no wig. Oh yeah. I posted a picture. Like you got to check this out. I'm looking at a group of stupid people I knew this because I watched a like a mini series BBC series that had to do with people being prosecuted in modern day But they the barristers as it were had wigs and I was like this really happened. So no one over there

And in the I mean, what are we talking? They should make the defendants were clown wigs. Just a big bozo afro. You have to put that on when you're up there defending yourself. And like it's all this time after what hundreds of years. I mean, this probably goes back. Yeah. I don't like pre United States. Certainly like hundreds and hundreds of years and we're talking Thousands upon thousands of people have done this yeah particular job and we had we haven't had one person with the courage To stand up and say Enough is enough guys guys Look at what we're doing. Do you know powerful big wig is over there? there? Oh, man, they got a lot of them. Those factories, they're churning these out.

I mean, where does one even get one of these? I know that there has to be high quality and low quality wigs, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, someone in this picture, in this crowd of the wigs, has the budget version and gets made fun of all the time. The curls aren't tight enough. I can see your fibers.

Yeah, that's right. All right, We've got to get to the draft. The Spitballers Draft. Well, there's no draft I'm more jealous of Mike for having the first pick in. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah, there's a clear 101. Then things that are green. We are drafting things that are green and I have a laundry list. Yes I mean I have a big list I feel like there's a couple okay that deserve to be the first overall. In your defense I had no idea there was a one on one until Jason told me what it was. Oh well then let's see if it is the same. I'm starting the draft out here and look it's about the Washingtons, it's about the

Lincolns, the Jacksons, the Benjys. Give me that cash money! There's no debate over what the 101 green thing is. It's money! Way to not blow that one. I mean, think of your day to day though. Because we, I agree, the first thing is like it's green It's look I live in America. It's capitalism. It's Bert. It's in my head. It's money, but we don't really use

Like what is the color of money now? It's my custom credit card. That's what money looks like now I completely understand people have cash in your wallet you go What is this 1985, but here's the thing? People have cash in your wallet, you go, what is this 1985? But here's the thing, cash is green, right? Yes. Cash is, but when you say, when you talk about the color of money, it's green. It's just associated with green. Sure.

Money is green and that's the clear one on one. I went to a professional clinician the other day. Did they wear a wig? That would, would know nobody this is this place would have won they would not accept any form of of credit or debit payment of any kind all that's a red flag cash or check no no no cash or check no been in business that's a elderly woman

she is right at the same way since the eighties. Uh, attention IRS. I mean, this lady is scamming you. There, there I was like, she's like, do you have a checkbook? I'm like, what are you talking about? What is a checkbook? Yeah, no, up, up, uh, we, we, we go up north of here into the woods up in a city called Prescott and that Half those places are like cash only. Yeah, it's like what this is Down that was over 20 years ago. Yeah I'll give you an extra tent but The fact that I'm up and then they've got ATMs in there in their restaurant. Well, it's like

I'm like, so you're telling me I gotta use my card to go over to that box to give it to you. Because you pay, well no, it's not just the 3%, you pay for your breakfast, your family comes in, you spend whatever, the $50 to $100, and then they take your money and they go, you were never here. Yeah, they're right. Alright, money number one, Jason, you have the second pick in the draft. So, since he's got the best thing, I'm going to go with just my favorite thing that's green.

And it's a Christmas tree. Oh. I mean, I love the Christmas season. Give me one of them nice Christmas trees or many of them. Now, does that disqualify the broad pick of trees? Because that was going to be my first pick. I think it does. If you call it a forest. I'm going to go with forest first I think it does if you call it a forest I'm gonna go with forest I think it counts we'll go with

forest what if it's a pine forest because then it's the forest Jason and I he's not a Christmas tree until it's cut down yeah is that true I believe wholeheartedly yeah it is not fair those are pine trees and you cut it down now it's Christmas tree so when people have have a Christmas tree, a mart, I don't know what you would call that, they can't call it that, they have to call it a pine tree. Well no, they're cut at that point. But I'm saying if you go up north and it's not,

if you get to choose which one you're cutting down. Is that a thing? That doesn't really work that way. It has to be a thing. I don't think that's a thing. You get a tag that you're allowed to go out in the woods and pick one out. Right, but that's not, you're not picking out a Christmas tree. No, you're picking out a pine tree. You're picking out a tree. That's right. And then you're chopping down a Christmas tree. So in the advertisements, can they say Christmas

trees? That's what I'm asking. They can because they know you're going to chop it down. If you watch closely, as it falls, it does change. Okay. Right when it hits the ground, it does become a Christmas tree. A tree falls in the forest. So I will go with the forest. I think trees are awesome. All right. I actually got a lot of respect for trees.

You know? Love to cut them down, put some lights on them. They're doing great things. I love trees. No, mine aren't cut down. I respect them. Yours, unfortunately, are just some. Oh, dance for me, tree.

I mean, mine's not real. Your trees are dying. So I'm gonna go with the forest and then I'm gonna turn the table a little bit here. I'm going with Hulk. Yeah. I'm going with the Hulk. Okay. My second favorite thing that is green is going to be the Incredible Hulk. Yes. I mean his name. He's incredible you can't even debate it. It's a good pick. It is a good pick. It was the first kind of character that I thought of that was green because he is so famously green. Mm-hmm But as I continued there was a different character who was also green who is better And so I am taking a little one. You got a big one. I'm taking master Yoda. Okay. Yeah

I mean on my list as well. Yoda is my 101 of the green characters, so I will take him here. No, he's kind of got like a decrepit green going on where he's heading towards the death. He's a faded green. Was he a more vibrant shade in his younger days? Bioluminescent. Like the Yoda species, I don't know.

I mean, just go look at Grogu, right? Isn't he a more vibrant green? He's a little more vibrant Yeah, I mean when the skin gets leathery it fakes. Yeah, the sun takes it out. The sun takes it out of him Yeah, all right, so I have shmoney Andy has the forest which is very similar to trees But not no not the same at all. Just a little bit different Hulk and then Jason went Yoda there's when I was when I started going through it it was it was very difficult because it's just as soon as you start thinking of characters there's many yeah there's many many green characters so

man do I jump on incredible I know that's that's the problem. All right. I am going to start. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Well, because they're not as good. Well, just don't take a character then. All right, well, number one. Lettuce is still available. I would take spinach, but I'm not going to.

First, I will take an emerald. OK. Yes. Which? You got money and emerald then? Yes. I mean, I got my fiat. OK, that's pretty cool. And then you got money and emerald. Yes. I mean I got I got my my That's pretty cool. And then I got my shiny emeralds. Are emeralds worth money? Oh, yeah, are they? Well, yeah, I mean they're they're rare gemstones. So there were something but it's not like

You're not there's anyone like making it rich. Does anyone have like a basement full of emerald? I just in case don't think so all right the emerald and then We're gonna we're gonna go a little bit of a different direction Cuz it's the the color of this fascinates me of this Can I guess that it's green you can okay, but I'm saying cuz it is quite spicy. But you don't think of green as spicy.

I'm going to take wasabi. Oh. When that comes on the plate, you're like, what is it? When you haven't been introduced to wasabi, and you get a California roll, or maybe you're more adventurous, and then it's there, you're like, what is this green paste stuff? It's got a weird texture,. Yeah. It's a little like Play-Doh. It is like Play-Doh except it doesn't taste or

smell like Play-Doh and it's insane to me how spicy this green food product can be. I absolutely love wasabi. I'm not a spice lover. I can't handle a ton of spice. I can handle all the wasabi in the world because it goes away quick. It's not one of those lingering like you eat, you know a spicy pepper and Ten minutes later your mouth still on fire Wasabi you got cash and emerald and wasabi. Yeah, Jason. You got a Christmas tree and Yoda Classic combo. Yeah the classic combo. I'm gonna go to a place that is beautiful. They are Prevalent in the And he has for Scottsdale area and oh, yeah

I On the list. I hate being out on there because I'm not good at it, but a golf course. Oh! It's a fabulous pick. It was on my list. It's not on my list, but that's a great pick. That's why you go. You're like, oh man.

Right. Especially in Arizona because everything is brown and dirt and dust and just death and desert. And then we thought, you know what we should put here? A beautiful golf course that takes all the water. Yeah just look don't even don't worry about how is this how is it so green? Stop asking so many questions that's what you should do. They cannot be good. Oh that's a that's a good pick. So Christmas tree Yoda and now golf courses. I'm pretty happy with my team. I have the I have a

forest the incredible hulk and I, do I have two picks? Yes, you do. You have two picks. So I get to close this thing down. You can go mold and one more pick. You know, it's tough because I have mold green. I think it's associated with, well, black mold. Yeah, I mean, that's like a big problem. But when you have to specify that it's black mold,

like a black diamond, that means that the default diamond is not. That means the default is not black. Right black right wait I thought a black diamond was just a ski course there's actual diamonds that are black they're not black diamonds black diamonds are just a term to describe a difficult ski run it's a term to describe diamonds that were acquired via unhealthy means that's not a lot oh you're right that's right no black diamonds are thing okay really yeah yeah they're bright red okay this is tough cuz I don't I'm worried about blowing it now I'm gonna be honest with you I'm worried about

blowing it I could I could go boogers I'll be very spitballers I'm gonna go with sports fields so like a like a field like to play like a baseball field. Do I have to say one sport a football field? Yeah, I need to have my imagination knowing where you are Are you on a soccer field or you know football football field? Okay. There you go You have our football fields pick number one. Okay, and then pick number two But go with the character or not. That is the real question. See, now you're in my conundrum. Um, so this is brutal. I guess I'm going to go with the Grinch. I'm going with the Grinch. Uh, so many other green things. I honestly,

I feel like a fifth round belongs in this draft, but I will go with a football field and the Grinch to complete my Green things draft the Grinch was on my list certainly Very green very green But I'm counter. He's a counterpunch to your Christmas tree. I mean you brought Christmas tree in the first round I need to counter it. He's gonna try to steal. I say say you don't have a Christmas tree anymore. Cause the Grinch. You're down a pick. Yeah. Um, alright, so a lot of times when you think of green

and when you look up things that are green and lists of green, it's a lot of vegetables. Yes. You got your lettuce, your broccoli, your spinach, your whatever, and most all green vegetables suck. I mean, they're healthy for you, but they're just not delicious.

But there's one that I really like once it is changed from a cucumber into a pickle. I do like cucumbers too, but I'm taking pickles. Yep. It was on the list. Very good, pickles. Gross, but Mike is not a pickle fan. Not everyone likes pickles.

It's not for me. It's not for me. It's not for me because it tastes like a pickle. Ah, yeah, it's been pickled. That's the hardest part. Well, it's not that it's been pickled because pickled onions. You like pickled things. Yeah.

You don't like pickled cucumbers. But pickled pickles are... He doesn't like pickles, but he likes pickled cucumbers. He... No. He does not know what a good pickle tastes like because when he was a child, he decided he didn't like pickles and he has stopped.

That's my opinion. Oh, you haven't tried, when's the last time you tried a good pickle? Yeah, when's the last time you tried a good pickle? Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, and it's, Now that does, Yeah, backfired.

Yeah. And look, you think when, look, when you order no pickles at a fast food restaurant, your chances of getting pickles are still pretty high and it just depends on what you say. It's at least 80%. Say what is your trust factor? Do you look?

I usually I don't. And then you just bite in and you go, oh, that's a pickle. And if you don't like pickles, they do have a juice that leaks. You get pickle leak. If a pickle just is put onto a burger and then taken off, it's still there. Yeah, the flavors are there. And the problem is you're you're experiencing fast food pickles. Yes. And those are a crime against

pickles. They are rubbery. And they shouldn't be hot. We should have a new name for it. Yeah, they should. They're all pickles, cold pickles out of the cold, crisp closet called pickles. And then there should be a new name for anything that's warm. Yeah, Clausen not a sponsor, but I would love to sponsor you. You're the only pickle worth you want to sponsor them. I want to I want to sponsor Claussen. I'm going to I'm going to put an ad campaign out just just you wait. I'm going to bring a lot of more and I love gloss and pickles. I approve this message. Go to my website. Jason, it's pickles.com super pack just for your enjoyment of pickles. All right. So I am up final pick and all nice.

I have a lot of things still on this list, but we're gonna, we're gonna, we're gonna try and pivot. We're gonna go a little bit wild here with this last one. It's a little, what's the word I'm thinking for? Metaphorical, whatever. That's not the right word. Okay. Envy. Oh, you're going with envy.

I'm going with envy. You're picking envy. That is correct because it is in fact green. I don't know why. Yeah, I'm either the green monster. But when you are green with envy. Green ey you are very very envious it's all clear now when you're green you're green all right by the way that wraps up the things that are green draft so many other options Look, here, the hard part was Kermit is so high up on the list.

Because, I mean, it's not easy being green. No. But, he's crazy. Yeah, exactly. Nobody actually likes Kermit. There's a respect level for Kermit as like this king of the Muppets. Yes.

But do you actually want to go and just watch Kermit do anything? No, it's very much like Mickey Mouse. Yes. That's fair. When you think of Disney characters, I know there's going to be some kids who Mickey's their favorite, but as you grow up, I think it's more rare that people grow up and Mickey remains their favorite Disney character. There's no way Mickey or Kermit sell the most shirts of the Muppets or the Disney characters. They probably do. Mickey certainly does.

Just because they're on the most of them. Yeah. There's no way that Kermit sells the most shirts. That's because Miss Piggy's dominant. And there's 10 Muppet shirts sold a year. Right? Luigi? Ah, yes.

Oh, that's a good one. I kinda wanted dinosaurs, but we don't really know what color all of them are. Like the Ninja Turtles. When you were picking pickles, I thought you were going to go away from the veggies completely and go to fruits and go watermelon. The problem is watermelon's red. It's kind of like kiwi is green, but kiwi is brown.

You know, it's like the outside and the inside are different. So I- Oh, because then you would have been stuck with the rind? Watermelon rind. Exactly. I ruled those two off my list because I didn't like that they had other dominant colors. I had a Jolly Green Giant for the old folk that listened to this podcast. I love it. I almost tried to counter your Emerald with Kryptonite. Oh!

Because that's green. Oh, that would have been a great pick! But I went with the football field. That would have been way better. Yeah. Yeah, I had Grass. There's also different colors of kryptonite, so you would have to specify. Are there? Yes.

Not just green? What? Yes. There's different colors of kryptonite? If you Google kryptonite, it's all green, man. It's going to be green, but there are different colors because there's, I think it's like red kryptonite removes Superman's powers forever. I think there's yellow.

Oh man, you're such a nerd. What a nerd. I barely know this stuff. I think I's yellow. Oh man, you're such a nerd. What a nerd. I barely know this stuff. I think I learned this from like Howard Stern. There's a... What did we learn today? I just learned that there's other colors of kryptonite. Yeah, I figured you'd go there. There's green, red, yellow, blue, and white. Oh, there's even more than I thought! It's basically all of the colors colors We're out of ideas Another kryptonite Did you learn anything today Mike I think I'm learning how to pronounce Solominty

Solominty Solominty I know I know I learned that when faced with a decision of a mythological creature or a Plain ordinary creature you prefer Yeah, often you go with the mythological one. Yeah, pretty good, pretty good. Also the teleportation leaves quite the mess. Hey, tell your friends about the podcast. Thank you so much for listening. We'll see you next time. Goodbye.