Spitballers Comedy Podcast - The Poop Boot & Things That Make You Nervous - Spit Hits! - Comedy Podcast

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

Spit Hit for Oct 10th, 2024: We’re back with another hilarious episode AND the return of Liar, Liar! Can the guys get back-to-back wins? We also talk about horizontal buttcracks and selling our teeth. We wrap things up with a draft of ‘Things That Make You Nervous. Re-brand Mondays with some comedy! Subscribe and tell your friends about another funny episode of The Spitballers Comedy Podcast! Connect with the Spitballers Comedy Podcast: Become an Official Spitwad: SpitballersPod.com Follow us on Twitter: x.com/SpitballersPod Follow us on IG: Instagram.com/SpitballersPod Subscribe on YouTube: YouTube.com/Spitballers

What happens when three buffoons give life advice, explore unrealistic situations, and give random topics more thought than they probably deserve? It's the Spitballers Podcast with Andy, Mike, and Jason. I Know it's one of the best It's all organic I just didn't want to end it the same way other scats in and maybe that's the problem It was incredible and then you got in a fender bender right at the end. That's okay. That's okay I mean it was like a like a gentle one at a stop sign You were moving along really well, and then yeah

It was over Yeah, well, you know welcome in welcome back spitballers podcasts Annie Mike and Jason another episode of the award-winning. Here we are. Al is here, the judge as well. We've got liar liar on the show today. Yeah, we do. And we don't really know what's going to happen because it's taken months, I think, for Al to recover from his defeat. If you look at the, because we're, you know, we like numbers, we like data, we like information. If you look at the historical numbers

in the most recent Liar Liar, we are undefeated. Honestly, the last several weeks of recording, we have not lost once. That's true. So, it's taken him a lot of time. And time and I'll just check in on you mental health wise Are you are you at a point where you even want to move forward with liar liar? Have we is this over? Oh, I'm good, man. Oh, he thinks he's got He thinks he's got this on lockdown because he's changing rules got X Games mode coming up

Yeah, and they I'm guessing these, they have to do with this whole, we can work together at some point strategy. I don't know. But we have Liar Liar today, so that's something to look forward to. We have Would You Rather. And we are drafting things that make you nervous. Things that make you nervous.

So that should be pretty fun. As I was thinking through ideas right before the show I was laughing to myself a little bit because there are I think there are a lot of things that are common to everybody but there are some that are maybe more personal personal yeah or you know different people different things so and it's it's incredible when you start thinking about it there's a lot of small, like just really insignificant things that make you tilt your face off when it happens. And you're like, look, I'm a grown man. Like I'm nearly 40 years. Some of us on the show are already 40. Some of them are not going

to name Nate old people because we're all about to be there. But like, I'm, there's still things that make me have a full anxiety attack that should not happen to a grown human of any kind. Yeah. It's funny how that works. Like if you're nervous about something for enough years, that just becomes something you're always, and there are some things you grow out of that you used to be nervous about. Please, please let me know. Like I used to be a really nervous driver Really cuz I got into like an accident okay, and then from that point on it was just a different level of

anxiety for many years I Remember my first drive with my license And how fast were you going? Oh, speed, speed limit. Uh, the progression I'm on, I will, my driving full bell curve of like when I got my license, I was by the book. Eventually I got a little too comfortable with the book thrown at you with my driving abilities. Speeds reached a limit that they should definitely not have been. And I've calmed down. But I remember that my first, I remember my first drive where my parents were not in the car and I'm talking out loud to myself like a crazy person. Just

like it's we're good. We're good. Mike. And I'm referring to myself in the third person like it's okay. We can do this. Oh my God. We're perfectly fine door. And then I'm referring to myself in the third person like it's okay we could do this oh my we're perfectly fine don't worry and then I'm like I'm like don't no don't do that don't do that like talking to other people on the road it was very eventful like I could I can tell you the exact route I was gonna say you remember oh yes and it's funny I didn't even know Mike had a speed phase oh yeah I would have imagined Mike was always a speed limit guy ever since I've known you you've been a speed limit guy. Yeah then the man. Oh sometimes the man catches you going a little too fast. Okay. And you pay that bill you go oh I should. I gotta be a

speed limit man. That's not worth the extra couple seconds of time. Alright let's uh let's get into it Would you rather Oh, I hate we are into would you we're into would you rather okay haven from the website? Would you rather have your butt crack be? Oh you already got it Just a funny premise. Would you rather have your butt crack be horizontal? That's a mouth.

Or have your mouth be vertical? It's your butt mouth. What? Oh, so you gotta flip it. You gotta butt mouth and a mouth crack. You gotta choose between having a vertical mouth Major problems here. I mean the vertical mouth you would so it opens. There's huge problem It opens sideways huge problem because of gravity

No, it is the problem Al is over there and he was pretending to have a vertical mouth just now and No gravity listen to me stay with me on this gravity is the problem is it? Yes over there and he was pretending to have a vertical mouth just now and no gravity listen to me stay with me on this gravity is the problem is it yes because food food organically goes like on a fork right and you insert into your mouth and it's oriented to where the way you chew right and so you chew and your teeth are in a motion that works with gravity. Okay, you are sideways Oh imagine imagine right now you turn your mouth sideways when the food gets put into your mouth It goes into your cheek. There aren't teeth. I mean, there's like kind of teeth there, right?

But they're not no tongue. Your tongue is on the side. Your tongue is you If you have a vertical mouth where it's just getting to Which side is it on? Oh, that's a good question. It's like lefties and righties. It depends on... You're just using some are left handed, some are right handed. When you're born, you look in the mouth and they go, oh, he's a lefty. Now you know what you would probably have to do here when you're eating is turn your head to the side. You would probably have to turn your head. Now maybe this is an advantage. Maybe there's an advantage because I can lay down to eat. Like right now, the three of us cannot lay down and eat very comfortably.

Oh, that is a perfect example. If you lay down sideways on a couch and you try to eat a bowl of cereal, good luck. Right, exactly. You try to eat a bowl of cereal, lay down on the couch, doesn't work. However, move to a side mouth and all of a sudden you can lay down and eat. Has this been a problem for you guys? No, it's just if only I could eat cereal laying down. It wouldn't be bad. I can't find one possible explanation as to why I'd want my butt crack to be horizontal. I can't imagine. There's no advantages to the vertical crack. I disagree. For two reasons. One is the shape of our toilets. The shape would it really matter? Well, to me, like I when I go on to like your center is going to be centered.

The center will be centered inside of that crack, my friend. But I hate I absolutely circle. I absolutely hate going to the old grandma's toilet. That's a small little round toy. We have a toilet. Well, that's now every toilet with a horizontal because you're going long ways, but crack across the short ways toilet seat. So you're going to feel like it's a small toilet every It's not nearly as big a deal as eating sideways. I'm just trying to say you're finding a way deals

But there's actually positives here. I Imagine if it's hold on for a second. I imagine if it's sideways because let's be honest and this is getting I don't want to get too biological here But like what is what is coming out? Poop. Yeah, we can say poop. Yes, poop is coming out. And it is again, gravity playing a role in the equation.

Now, right now, because of the orientation of the crack, you have it falling away from you. Whereas if you just turned it sideways, there would be a ledge there, potentially. OK. Oh, you got to, you got to, uh. Where you would have a smoochie ledge. Smoochie?

I was going to say a cheek lip. A cheek lip is a better way to put it. You got to kind of lean back. So, you know, and some people have more of a lip than others. Right. They got that badonkadonk junk in the trunk. So I imagine those people, you could have a trap situation. Oh no.

What if you thought you went and you would just... Oh, I don't think that's gonna... You just put it in the trap. You have a ghost poo and you're looking down and you can't find it? It's not in there. And then you just saddle back up to get the pants on and you smoochie. I cannot imagine that happening. We're back! The show is back baby! Let's be honest here, the real issue is not gravity or smooch poops. The real issue here is one is not covered. Like one is on my face. Yeah, I agree.

And the other is the only people that are gonna see my horizontal butt crack. I was like, I was your horizontal butt not covered. That's all I was thinking. I wanna remove that though. Let's just say everyone goes, that is the humans. So it's for all people.

Yeah, humanity now has vertical mouth. Okay, all right. Well now that makes this question actually debatable because if you you know, whatever I I can hide my horizontal but I can do cool party tricks for those But if everybody has a horizontal mouth if everybody has a horizontal mouth then I think this is such a good question I'm not a vertical mouth. Oh, yes a horizontal mouth, then I think... This is such a good question. I'm not ashamed. Vertical mouth. Yes, a vertical mouth.

Everyone does that. We all have horizontal mouths. But I'm not ashamed of my vertical mouth if everyone has it. And now I can lay down and eat. Imagine trying to fit in. Hey guys, turning sideways. So now, when I was thinking about it, like if your mouth is vertical, I was thinking of it as you still have

an up and down chomping motion. It just opens up. Mike, that's nonsense. Yeah, what, I mean. My ball time. What a silly thought. That's my bad, guys. All right, man, that does beg another obvious question,

which is if you could move your digestive tract And to another part of your body would there be a convenience factor there? Like are you like if you were to uh, not following Yeah, the digestion or the exiting the exiting. Okay. I don't the exiting like would you know through the Tip of the pinky Right. Okay, or like your elbow you're like your heel foot Yeah, yeah, exactly. Is that what you do? Oh, and then it would just be built into the ground and you just put the foot out Yeah, because you just you'd have a special boot that you'd be able to use put your oh, it's got like a trapdoor boot

It's the poop boot and you just put your foot in there and then like you can have there's a show title for you The poop boot is just a pier. I mean I Assuming there wasn't like a pain problem would you not have and maybe that doesn't work sitting on it that's because the trap is closed honestly you would acting itself could have just completely like bathrooms wouldn't even need to be private right you know there's no button balls never know everybody's opens their poop boot that would be but that would become your private place oh because you know what I Right. There's no butt involved. You'll never know. Everybody just opens their poop boot.

But that would become your private place. Oh, because... You know what I mean? If everybody's pooping from their foot, they'd be like, don't... You can't see my foot. Oh, it'd be a private thing. That would be my private foot. I'm scared of the rest of this conversation.

I think I might need to ask another question. My last thought on getting back to the horizontal mouth is how small would our mouths be? Because right now I feel like there's a lot more room for a wide mouth But like you can't go from from chin to nose. No, I know but I'm saying that's smaller than I think most people's mouth No, you don't think so. I Can't see your chin. Yeah, I got a beard cover up my neck chin yeah I got a beard cover up my neck so maybe you're right I just don't know how strong your chin is I just measured and Andy's right this would not be a problem we could do we could pull off the vertical mouth and for that reason

I'm going to choose the horizontal butt cheeks. Alright, Stu from Twitter, would you rather personally perform really well on a losing team, or really bad on a winning team? Oh man. This is a crazy question to come up today, because I was driving into work listening to sports radio, and a hockey player that was facing our home team had a hat trick, which is three goals in a game. And for some reason that made me think about playing in our flag football leagues and the

way you would feel when you had a special game and you'd, you know, win or lose, you kind of have a sense of personal satisfaction. You go out there and perform well or play well or have good numbers, good stats. So there is a pride that comes from just going out and doing your best and saying, it's not my fault. Sure. I mean, I don't know if that's the headline, but the headline is I did my part. Yeah, they didn't. But the team, right. So it's not your fault. You played pretty, pretty well. This is really well.

And to be clear, 100% of all athletes in every locker room in the world will tell you their personal stats don't matter and the team matters the most. Yeah, there's a lot of liars. And yet you know that, you know, which one would you be? Which would you prefer? I mean, this is performing bad on a winning team.

This is like, I didn't help at all. Yeah, it's not average. It's not saying, would you rather be part of a winning team or dominate on a losing team? So you're not a bench warmer. You're playing. And terribly. And you are playing bad.

Which means your teammates are really good because they're making up for a lot of your slack. I am going to go with the performing well on a losing team. I appreciate that honesty. I am gonna go with the performing well on a losing team. I Appreciate that honesty and that's not because I don't want to win but that's because I I'm not winning That's why I'm not winning if I'm the bad player on the winning team, right? I'm not winning after enough of those games. I Know that I'm useless So that would not that would be feeling. I don't know if I appreciate that level of honesty. Oh, okay.

That was so honest that you feel like you're not winning if your team isn't, your team is winning and you're not playing well. Might as well be a fan. You're not winning. But winning teams go to the post season, which means more games. Ka-ching.

Means you make more money. I mean, I know that those players that are on the end of the bench, they get the rings in basketball, are champions. Yes. But we know they're not. Well. We know they're not.

But they think they are. They get the ring. But then later on in life, when you're like, I'm a three time champion, and you're like, how many minutes did you play? None. Yes. How much do you need to participate then for you to move in from, from us as the, the, the judgy Judgers and public saying, well, your ring is invalid, except they were at the direct practice. They're a practice. They are, they are a part of the team helping the team to improve and get better,

but they're not, they may not just be good enough compared to the other people on their team. Especially if you're thinking basketball. There's a few guys on basketball that just, they don't get into the game, but they are an important part of the team. Yeah, they deserve a ring. Okay.

But they didn't actively perform bad, which is what the question says. That is true. You're saying they're helping. So Mike brought up you can make more money getting to the playoffs, you know, your team's doing well. I'm trying to go through it all. No, you've got to go through it all. Absolutely. And the financial side, but I think the financial side is better to be a dominant player on a losing team. To stick with basketball, there are plenty of superstar players on bad teams.

Well, if you want to go that route, fine. I mean, being a superstar player on a bad team, you know, I think that's the way I'm going to go. I'm going to go with Andy. We're going to have some bad teams. Yeah, but we're going to be legends. And I'm going to be competing as to who's scoring more me or you Mike final answer Gotta be gotta be good. Yeah Lit Lily, I gotta be able to look at myself in the mirror. I know it Lily from patreon Would you rather get $100 per fart for life? Okay, or $300,000 per tooth you remove.

Oh, I remove? Yeah, what's the story there? Is this just getting it out? Yeah, you could have a dentist pull it for you. So man. Well, how much does that cost? But the caveat is says you are unable to replace the removed tooth

and only the front eight teeth are eligible. Four on top and four on bottom. So my good teeth. Yep, the cosmetic teeth. But you can't replace them. Correct. Oh, you're opening up a whole another world of me choosing the fart one. I mean, I mean, maybe the truth is, is I'm not I'm not taking all eight out at 300k. Are you are you even taking one out? I look that's a, that's a ton of money. I think it's it'll become a thing

If you do that one, that'll become how retired people end up retiring. They end up going. All right It's time to retire pluck pluck Pluck pluck right? Okay, you've got some years taking care of some people they retire early So they get they got to have all six or eight of them I mean that is really the first question on its own is just would you take $300,000 to have a missing front eight tooth like one of your mains That's what your insiders is that what we're oh right now. No, they're not ins. I mean, what are they? I mean, they're your front there and your insiders. They're not your bicuspids. No, they're your front eight teeth.

That's how my dentist works. We gotta look this up. I'll give you a bottom tooth right now for 300 grand. Yeah, here's the thing. Yeah, some people talk and their bottom teeth aren't even seen. If you, well if I lose a bottom tooth, you're never seeing my bottom teeth again.

You know what I mean? I will talk in a different way or smile in a different way. You can't do that. Oh absolutely I can. You know what I mean? I will talk in a different way or smile in a different way where Oh, absolutely. I can't. Insiders your forefront teeth on the top of the bottom. Thank great job. Those are your insiders. If you knew it, just say it, man. Don't question it. But at that point, if you lose one of those, you got to lose all four bottoms. If you lose

all four, but because I'm not showing you my bottom teeth, you know what I mean? Like I'm'm okay as soon as I've lost one I'm gonna be embarrassed and shy and try to hide it and Honestly the them having other teeth nearby might highlight the missing gap hit the camera with a smile right now Jay I just want to okay your bottoms can go bottoms can go. Oh, that's right. Oh, yes. That's a $1.2 million. $1.2 million to get rid of my bottom four teeth or $5,000 a day. Yeah. Yes. Okay. We need to get back to the tootin that you can make some serious cash. I can make some serious cash? I mean, what do I need more than $5,000 a day? Do I need more than $5,000?

Are you real? You might, but. Are you hitting $5,000 a day? Oh, I'm hitting $5,000 a day, brother. Hitting 50 farts? Is that 50 farts? That's 50 farts a day. Oh, he's probably hitting 50.

I'm hitting 50 farts. That's so many farts. Easy. And? No, I'm not making that kind of money. I'm making like $300, $400 a day. Now, can you? You know, I don't know how the rules work here, but once you got this contract signed You know sometimes you can turn like when you got a big fart you turn that up in little parts

You know to be like hey, that's a new one If you're running, oh yeah, but you're doing the walk parts those, those are the best walk farts. Each step gets you a little bit more out. What is the duration in between blasts that counts as a new two? Contract signed. I mean, it's going to be in the contract. It will be fine print. If the trap door closes, it's a new fart. we go baby if I can I picture Jason getting home from the you know grocery store six pack after six pack after six pack of A&W root beer I mean he is chugging that stuff making his money doing your part for your family I will eat so many beans like if you rip like just a triumphant

note like people gonna be shouting you're wasting money. Yeah, I will be disappointed in myself at that point. I'll be like, oh, whoops. $5,000 a day. But I mean, think about that. Think about $5,000 a day, which is very reasonable. Dude, OK, what's the math? 240 days is all it takes to get to $1.2 million. OK, so.

And I got all my teeth for Toots McGillicuddy over here for the regular person. It's going to take some time but yeah if you're going like what three hundred or how many farts per day do you do you admit the my dear friend the average human passes gas between 13 and 21 times per day. So 1300 there That's three years to get to that amount of money. Okay that's easy. Yeah. So that's probably the way to go. Yeah that's the way to go. And we haven't even factored in the... The teeth are worth a million dollars each now. We... No no no no no there's there unless you're talking billions unless you are giving me money that I can buy a ball team with. I don't need more.

Because it's a one done. Yeah, I mean, I'm just saying there's no amount that I would take losing my teeth versus this free money from farting, because think about the amount, I mean... Because of what you need. $1,300 a day. And that's only 13 farts, which is pretty embarrassing. If that's all you can fart a day,

1,300 a day is... That's just breakfast time. It's basically infinite money. Yeah, yeah, you're right. I mean, unless I'm trying to buy a yacht, you know, I'll save up for a while, but just normal living. Don't save up.

Right, yeah, you gotta let them go. But yeah, I don't know how you could ever... This is this episode. Have me remove my teeth. And we didn't even talk about the actual process of getting your tooth yanked out of your skull. I just am curious about that general question. If it's a million dollars,

and you have the opportunity today. Look right now, let's put Al and the three of us in this situation. You are... The toots are off the table. The toots are off the table. There's a totally separate dilemma. The doorbell for our office rings.

At the front is a well-to-do dentist. I like him. And he's got his bag. And he walks in and he says... But is he just like chomping his clamps? No, no, no. He's like, ching, ching. No, he looks, he looks like an upstanding Open word.

Tooth purchaser. And he says, I will give you. Anyone coming in saying they're a tooth purchaser is an evil scientist. Regardless, he says right now, he goes, I will give, he says, I will give you, you have one chance, I will give you a million dollars for any of those insizers. So you got eight teeth to choose from.

The offer is now, and you do it right now, what are you doing? How many teeth do you have left? At the end of the day, he walks in, he says a million a tooth, you can sell me up to eight of your teeth. How many teeth do you end up going home with? You can't replace them. You can't replace them. All right, the talk. Oh man, so so

much money. It's a million a tooth. Al how how he's eight. I don't know. Are you eight? No, I'm not eight. How many are you? Six? Are you going just the top two left? He's going for his four bottom. I think I'm going four bottoms. I think for $4 million. The only right answer. I think I'm at four box. It's either four or zero off the one. Yes. The tops are off the limits. It's four or none. That's the right answer. Now let me, let me just put a little twist on that question. Man comes in he says yeah I will give you five million dollars per tooth only one of you gets it only one of you can claim this got it yeah wait I don't get it I'm saying the first person of the three of us will take owl out of this the three of us

Just one tooth to sell one to he gets it So you might be just you might think I don't want to do that But if Mike grabs it you're gonna be like, oh no, he's got five million dollars for just a tooth I don't care about the bottoms. I'd sell we'd all sell the bottoms The real question is if he walked in right now and said I'll give you Two million million a tooth and he only wants to buy your top four. That's the real question.

Would you sell, because I think, you got four. I'll give him one for two million. That's what I would do, I'd give him one. I don't know, man. I think I'd give him one and then when someone says, what the heck happened to you, I'd say, I'm rich. And I upped it it's two million or two top four no not on the tops not on the top no way you get

those are worth two million dollars you better work on your closed-lip smile well what's crazy is you're never smiling in your picture again never smiling in your picture well you will yeah closed lip but your functions will be fine you'll be fine without one too for eating. So this is a hundred percent appearance. Yes. Yes. And judgment.

Yes. Due to appearance. Yes, we are vain. It's not just, it's not just. So it's two million dollars versus vanity. Yeah. Oh man. And I know it is.

When you say it like that, because it's worse. It is. It is. But then reverse it. You have a missing front tooth. Would you pay two million dollars to get replaced? And there's no way. No way. No you wouldn't. No way. Would you pay two million to that's just your lot in life. This is why. Oh we're. That's where that question was really interesting to me because it's like but the difference here is you don't have two million dollars like. Yeah. I mean if you're telling me I have 10 million dollars and it cost me two million to put that tooth back. Sure. Then I might do it. No you would. You would hate you wouldn't have had a billion dollars. 20

percent of your cash. You're not doing it. Oh man.'re silly people. Yeah that's funny. Do we have time for another one or you want to move on? Maybe we move on. Yeah let's move on. What's going on Spitwads? One of the most important things you can think about when you're younger is investing and the difference that a bunch of time makes. I wish when I was younger someone had explained to me all the benefits of investing at an earlier age and how I could have missed out on the opportunity at the time to begin investing. And that's why I wanted to talk to you about Acorns.

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View important disclosures at acorns.com slash ballers. Liar liar, pants on fire. Oh boy. New rules edition. All right boys, here's the deal. Okay. I took some time. Yeah, some. I talked to the Spitwads. They reminded me, Al, you're 19 and 1.

And part of the fun of this segment is hearing you guys discuss these. I wanted to make it in a way where you couldn't discuss them and team up against me, but I think that would take the fun out of the segment. Okay, all right. So we're not changing the rules. A man of honor. Okay, we're just gonna- A man of honor.

So we have a chance at a hot streak? You do. I cannot wait. Oh, wow, no rule change. Now Mike- So that's official. You just, we're not changing any rules? That's official.

Wow, okay. Wow, that was a big set. So Okay, that was a word this whole time. Thank you nervous. Sounds like we're gonna go to know then I believe you mean to at 19 based on the historical stats that we obviously forget except for the most recent one Yeah, I think I think it'll be tough. So Are those top three there might three to go with for our first one? Yes, sir. We got a formatting problem No, that's fine. That's why I was just talking letting them do it. All right, we're in to lie a liar We're on a winning streak guys. Let's do this. I bet he spent some time on these lies Never worked harder on this segment All right statement number one

the second most expensive animal ever purchased was a rare lobster bought to be served as a meal to Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman for his... The guy's named Salman? For his 37th birthday. I didn't catch that, but okay. The lobster cost 2.2 million dollars and ended up giving the prince food poisoning.

That's truth or lie number one. Okay, so just real quick, most expensive was seafood to prince salmon and he got sick from it. Okay, got it. The world loves that. Number two, the mushrooms in Mario games are based on a real species called the Amanita muscaria that when eaten make people feel like they're growing. That's a good

maybe lie. And the third one, autosomal dominant compelling heliopithelmic outburst syndrome or Ah-chhoo Syndrome is characterized by uncontrollable sneezing in response to the sudden exposure of bright light or sunlight. So hold up. The Ah-Choo. Okay. The Ah-Choo. That makes no sense to combine.

Unless there's a band of scientists that began the Ah-Choo, like, that's not like Buzz, right? This is a band of scientists who are in a comedy improv troupe. Yes. And they have decided. That's what I'm saying. Just, that's ridiculous.

I mean, Ah-Choo is one of those, what do you call it when the sound- Onomatopoeia. Onomatopoeia, like buzz or whatever, right? Mm-hmm. So- But, I will say, and I don't know on this one, but I feel like- Ah! Ahchoo!

I feel like a lot of times people start with the acronym they want, and then they work backwards. This is horse garbage. That one is my lie, and I'm locking it in. All right, I feel confident that the makers of the Mario game did not do enough research on the mushroom and say, oh, the reason we're putting this in the game is in honor of this real life mushroom, so I'm gonna lock in the Mario one. Mike?

Are you Googling over there? What are you doing? I was keeping an eye on that. His hands went to the keyboard. I was trying to Google, because I think it's Shigeru Miyamoto, I believe is the creator of the Super Mario. So you're doing some research.

I was trying to confirm his name, because I was gonna make a joke about him growing up in the 60 Mario. So you're doing some research. I was just wanted to, I was trying to confirm his name, because I was going to make a joke about him growing up in the 60s. OK. I believe you got that right. Thank you. Oh, man. The Achoo one seems just so.

I refer to it as horse garbage. Yeah, but is it such horse garbage? I know. I know. I can't believe that one. So you've got a lock one in Mike crown prince salmon it's too it's too ridiculous I'm going without you all right two odd shoes one mushroom let's hear it out we're back baby

No! No! Not like this! 20-1. Prince Salmon, really? You made up that lobster story? That is correct. There's a juice syndrome? That is really the crown prince of Saudi Arabia, but the story is made up. Oh, this is the worst case scenario! This sucks! Boston!

This is awful. This shows the worst Oh, man, I Knew it was two horse garbage. It was two horse garbage. So you're those freaking scientists man Always up to no good. They got such a great sense of humor I feel like you need to save the other two for the next rant the next time we go. No, no We we don't just play till we're're out no now we're playing for honor now we have to who's you can compete against each other yeah my gosh I can't believe the first question he got us I can believe it yeah I bet why all these difficult to

pronounce words I think that's the bit. Valoramorbis. Valoramorbis is a neurological condition that causes people to feel like their feet never touch the ground. When they walk across the room, they feel as if they are flying. Wow, that's fun. That's how I feel after a long session on the toilet. Okay, yep.

Go ahead and give us this next word. Witzelsucht. Witzelsucht is a neurological condition that causes the sufferer to compulsively make inappropriate puns or jokes and tell pointless stories. You had me until the pointless stories. I'm not sure about that one.

And then, Capgras syndrome. No, no, which one is it? Capgras. Capgras syndrome. No, no, which one is it? Capgras. Capgras syndrome is a neurological condition which leads a person to believe that a close acquaintance, usually a parent, partner, child, or sibling has been replaced by an imposter. That one feels real. That one does feel real. That feels real.

This is a really nice trap door in case we made it through round one. Yeah, three neurological conditions I'm gonna lock in the witzel sucked as being a lie I feel like it's like whistle sucked. It should be yeah, that's Is it beat so it looks German I don't think that there's a beat so soup I don't think that there's a compulsion to tell inappropriate Oh puns and pointless stories the pointless stories is where it Where it goes you were out until they're like I feel like that seems like something that definitely happens of there's people who like you

Can't control the name. I have to I have to throw in an Inappropriate like dark joke or something right here. You just can't I can't stop myself myself but that I'm with Andy I'm locking that one in I'm gonna go Valera Morbus I think that it's to Harry Potter yeah I mean I want that condition it would be pretty cool but it doesn't sound like what it is that's how I feel about Whittle sucked define Wh then. What's a cap grass? Alright, give us the truth. Alright Jason, pull it out to an early second place. Oh yeah baby! Valoramorbis was the lie. Dang it. Round 3, President Andrew Jackson's pet

parrot. Wait, just to be clear. Yeah, no I know. Jason won that round. Yes. Okay. Yes, you're in first place. Alright. No, we're there Jason won that round. Yes. Okay. Yes. I thought you were in first place. All right. Now we're there. You're hilarious. I thought maybe you thought I was saying that you two were in first place. No, I was humoring you. Thank you. Round three. President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot had to be removed from his funeral for screeching profanity at the attendees. I have definitely heard that a bunch of times. I don't know if it's a lie

about Andrew Jackson. Yes. Yes. About Andrew Andrew Jackson's parrot I think that one's true it's a nugget that's why I'm telling you guys it's in the back of my head too if I feel like I've heard it in 2016 KFC released edible nail polish it was offered in hot and spicy and original flavors I that sounds like I'm putting it past them. Wow. Why home of the the double down and the third one here? A French art collector once paid over $50,000 at an art auction for an invisible painting. He claims it is on display in his house, but will not disclose which wall

it is on for the fear of theft. People are so dumb. That has to be real because art people do the stupidest things. I think the KFC one's the lie. French. That's my final answer. I really wanted to go with the President Andrew Jackson simply because the lie was the first one in round one and in round two and I feel like he would say like, oh, they would never think I would put the lie in all three spots. But you guys saying that

you've heard this. I'm going to go with that. I'm going to go with that. I'm going to say that Andrew Jackson's pet parrot didn't do it at the funeral. All right. The lie was the French art collector. Sweet. That's the one I pick. Yeah. You didn't let Mike make his choice I Thought he locked it life is meaningless right now. Anyways after that first round we tied for a second Boy let's draft The Spitballers Draft I knew I was thinking to myself Mike hasn't said anything Yeah

I was pretty sure you hadn't locked in and but then you didn't kind of put Up a fight at all because it was because I just got second place Look if you're quiet and you bide your time sometimes it works out Alright, we are drafting things that make you nervous things that make you nervous a million choices out there With the first pick I have to go with what I think is a common one. It is certainly the one that I notice the most and try to avoid, but it is certainly heights. Heights in general, up the top of a ladder. If I am, goodness, if you're at a canyon, type of thing like heights in general

they make me very nervous and it's grown with it it's not gone the other way as a kid I was not afraid of heights yeah I had on my list being on a tall extended ladder like yeah not no not necessarily a broad washing of all heights but those things when I'm when I'm in those positions on like us not an a-frame ladder But like the extent the shaky. Oh, man. I can't I just I can't do it man I don't trust the device or myself Yeah It's just a heights in and of itself is just a really common fear and it certainly makes me nervous when I think about having to

Yeah, a regular ladder. I'm good really common fear and it certainly makes me nervous when I think about having to, yeah, a regular ladder I'm good, but you get to a 12 foot ladder or an extension ladder, there's a problem. Yep, it's a good one. So for my first selection, things that make me nervous, looking at Jason, what makes Jason nervous, and I'm going to go I mean speaking of speeding I'm going when the police are driving behind you Because it is The worst isn't that so weird how you know yes, you're just you're there's nothing that's gonna happen to you You have yet you have that one. What's like? I mean I

Like I haven't done anything. I don't think I'm gonna get pulled over there's some reason you could hold over That 100% and then you have times where are my tags right now where it's like you're on a freeway and I'm in the carpool lane going literally the speed limit. And then I overtake a cop who's going slower than that. And you're like, uh, what are the, what, what are the rules here? Cause I'm not speeding. I will not go faster than a cop if I'm near them. Nobody does. Yeah.

Because they know it's they think control the road. They know what they're doing when they're going 63 in the 65 If I'm driving on a freeway and I'm I'm going you know three or four miles over speed limits totally Totally normal not worried at all. I'm in the margin. I'm going with the flow of traffic and As you're going all of a sudden off to the side, you see one. You see him out there ready to get someone. I am in full freak out mode. I'm like, I wasn't speeding, but I mean, you're just living in that rear view mirror now. Like, is he pulling out? Is he pulling out? Is he getting me?

I better not show my brake lights because then I'm obviously admitting that I'm going too fast. I mean, yeah. That's a good one. Police driving behind you. I once saw that the greatest driving safety device is a rear view mirror with police in it. Like. Just like a sticker or something.

That's what you need to do, man. Just put a sticker on that rear view mirror and every time you look, you think there's a police officer behind you, you drive perfect. That's funny. You also, anxiety ages you 20 plus years. Yes. All right, Jason, what makes you nervous? You've got two picks

Okay in a row. Well, that was certainly gonna be Two picks make you nervous That doesn't make me nervous honestly, I could say that my first two picks were gonna be being on a tall extended ladder and Police officers on the road. Wow. Well done gentlemen. I'm gonna go my first one here and police officers on the road. Wow. Well done, gentlemen. I'm going to go, my first one here, any kind of,

it's not just this, it's really body wide, but just for the purpose of having specificity, chest pain. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. Is this a heart attack? Yeah. Oh, my finger's twitching. It's really just any body thing that is.

Is this a stroke? Yeah. As we get older, they're like, uh, this is fine. This is fine, right? It's not a... It's fine. I loved being at an age when you could eliminate them due to age. There was no chance that it could be X, Y, or Z, and now... When I take a deep breath, it kind of hurts. Am I... Yeah. Do I have a rib out? Yeah.

Or am I... Dying. Or am I... Do I need to go to the hospital right now? Oh, man., yeah that's... That's gonna get better with age. That's nerve-racking whenever the body is not doing what it should. And then... Hoo... doggy.

I got a large list here and they're all about the same to me. I'm gonna go with one that I have not necessarily... I have not personally experienced to the level, I've experienced it in very minor ways. But I've seen it, I've watched it, I'm always freaked out by it. I can see a situation in the future where I do experience it, I will be beyond freaked out about it. But it's basically swimming in the ocean. Like if you're swimming off a boat in the ocean, there's, you know what I mean? It's like, there's-

I have big shorts and stuff out there. Like I don't think I could, I don't think like if I was out on a boat in the ocean, I don't think I could jump in the water. Just jump in and- Yeah, out there. Not on the beach, was out on a boat in the ocean, I don't think I could jump in the water. Just jump in and- Yeah, out there. Not on the beach, not in the tide. Exactly, just swimming out in the ocean.

You wanna know how I described that? It was the second thing I wrote down. Big open water. Yeah. Just the, when you don't know what's under you, and it's dark and deep, that is terrifying. You have no idea. You could be jumping on a shark. So the idea of swimming in the ocean makes you deep. That is terrifying. You have no idea! You could be jumping on a shark!

So the idea of swimming in the ocean makes you nervous. Yes. Part of... That would make me nervous as well. Being a taller fella, there are rarely pools where you can be full on just kicking your legs without any kind of crouched position. When mean, when I'm in a pool, I'm always crap. My feet are always pulled up at least a little bit because otherwise you're going to kick the bottom of the pool. And it's the same mostly in the beach situation because there's rocks and coral and all these things that

are going to cut you up. When you get into the water where you can just fully kick and you look down and You're making me nervous and you don't know how far down the ground is and like you can hold your breath and try and go touch the ground and maybe not make it it is a Freaky freaky sensation. Yeah, which is like I mean, I assume it's just cuz you're like I'm a I'm a human Yeah, you're little that's big like I should not be in the water this deep But yeah, I agree it is there is something about that is there. It's it's part magical

In a part terrifying like it's like go out on the Saharan Desert, right? You're you're you're out there and there's lions somewhere nearby, okay? Okay. Now there's, let's say there is one. And you could see a, right, you could see a lion, you could see a cheetah, you could see whatever could kill you, right? Well, the Sahara's a different environment.

Yeah, yeah, no, I got you. And you would not get out of your car and go on land. If you're on a safari, yes. Now pretend that they were all invisible. You get in that car? Some of them were in the grass. Yeah, I mean, it's like that's what that's what people do on the ocean. Yeah, no, that's a good answer. And it was, I was trying to just let things come to me on this. Just like, what was my first thought and in big open water like

I you know you've been out on a lake. That's big enough and deep enough you feel weird there, too And that's not even there aren't even sharks. There's just a no those are monsters. Oh Lock Ness monster that's that's actually true when we when we go boating on our local lake here I I swim, but I'm always nervous. Oh, I don't want nothing touching my leg. It's a little different. Yeah. Okay. Where are we. Back to Mike. We're back to me. The police are driving behind you. You're feeling a little nervous. What's your next pick. Apparently I'm just afraid of the man because this is a you got to do it every single year. Got to pay those taxes. Really. And he's a little nervous. They freak me out. Unbelievable.

Because, well you're like one of the fellers like, you can do your own taxes I imagine. Sure. Like, I cannot. Because they, the forms- So it's like a mysterious open water of potential penalties. It's a completely different language. And all, I go to a person and I just trust that this person knows what they're doing.

You're not gonna get audited. And then I'm not gonna get a letter later from the IRS that's like, hmm, we're gonna need to look into some things. You're like, I don't have the receipts. I don't have the organizational skills that I can prove all of these things. And I'm like, and.

The IRS is listening right now look I Mean I your social Mike Am I supposed to give that to you right now but it's like I I If I'm skirting any rule, I don't like I Believe I am doing it completely my fair share But it still freaks me out the idea that you could get a letter in the mail that says you didn't do it right and now you need to

prove all these things and you're like I can't. I'm like how am I possibly gonna prove all of these things to you? That's interesting. So you are afraid of getting in trouble from people who have power. Yes, yes the man. This is good to know. All right, I had heights, afraid of climbing up that tall ladder as my first pick. My second pick, when I think about, I mean, when I think about getting nervous, genuinely, I am a sports fan.

And I feel the nerves at the end of sporting events. I didn't even think about that. I mean, genuinely, if you wanted to tell me how can you guarantee you can get your heart beating really fast in a perceptible way where if you're wearing a halter monitor, your doctor's going to call you. It is a hundred percent the end of a sporting game that I care about for the team that I care about. I remember Jason, we were at

the NBA finals and Jason Moore was crouched in a position that you could only describe as abject terror slash fear. Yeah, fetal. I mean this was the nerves, I mean sporting events has always done that to me. I've always been like, why is my heart beating so fast? It's like mind, body, fandom, football. That's a good one. That's a good one. I think it's not on my list because I didn't really think of nerves. It's a good nervous.

Right, it's nervous excitement. It's like going to a horror movie. Yeah, versus nervous to go to jail. No. The other thing that makes me nervous, a little from left field here, but it pumped into my head. So I'm going to go with it. I'm a dad. I have three kids. I've been through the baby phase for three kids. No problems. But if you hand me your baby,

it's a whole different ball game. Cause it ain't mine. Yes. Yes. And I've already forgotten how to hold them and it's your baby. And the, the, the thought of doing anything to hurt another person's baby. I am an awkward nervous mess holding somebody else's baby. So that one popped into my head and it made me laugh. One of my best friends recently had their first child and I went over got just incredibly sweet baby

and like you want to hold him I'm like I'm like Mike yes and then I immediately sat down. I lay down on the bed. I, I don't know that I've held a baby since, and you have three, since my youngest, you have three kids. Yeah. Who just, I think who I would just turn nine and I'm like, I don't have these skills anymore, but I want to see your, your fun new cute baby. And I know what it was. There's, there is a little bit of panic of, of inside of like, I don't know what I'm doing anymore It's so weird, especially having been through it with your own kids and certainly was nervous the beginning of having your own kids But but the idea of being handed somebody's baby was I think a funny one. That's very funny

I'm going okay. So number three here. Yeah, which which person in power is the man is gonna make you sweat now Mike This one is not the man. Your parents are lawyers. This one is not the man. This is my my own worst enemy being myself. So this is just I mean, you have to kind of be in a specific place, but it's the rumbly and the tumbling. Oh yeah. and there's no bathroom that you are aware of Gotta go and gotta go like having you know As we say on the show redlined where you've where you've gotten to the brink of disaster on too many occasions It is now a a panic inducing Effect for me where if like because we all at this age, you're in tune with your body. You know what's, when there's certain movements and sounds that happen inside, you're

like, that's the timer and you can use tick tick tick tick. This is why you need your boot chute. Yes. Yes. 100%. That would be fantastic if I could get that rearranged. But if like you're in a car ride with, in like, you know, like an interstate drive, and you feel it go off, and you're like, oh no. You just, yeah, the alarms are going off, and it doesn't even need to be that extreme for me anymore. It's just, when I feel it go off,

and I know that I'm not close to a bathroom, palms start getting a little bit sweaty. That's pretty funny. All right, Jason, you get to close out your picks. All right. Chest pains in swimming in the open ocean? Yeah, I think those are two that are common to a lot of people that would get nervous in those situations. These next two are Jason's specials. These are things that I'm sure that I'm not alone, but these are not gonna show up on people's lists, I don't think.

The first one is opening gifts in front of the gift givers. Oh, that's, that is brutal. I hate it, man. I hate it, I get so nervous because like- There's expectations. I don't- Can I dig in here? Sure. Can I ask a question after you explain it? I hate it. I get so nervous because like there's the expectation. I don't. I don't again here. Sure. Ask a question after you explain. Yeah. Yeah. So I, I don't like things like I just,

I don't really care for many things. The things I do like I, I get myself. And so like I just, there are most things that people are going to get me. I just don't care. And I totally appreciate the giving of a gift, the fact that you went and found a thought about me. Like I understand all that. I just don't actually care about whatever this thing is going to be. I don't want it. I don't want you to give me a gift. I don't ask for gifts. I tell people I don't want gifts. And I just hate the fear of disappointing them. I'm going to put on a happy face. I'm going to say thank you. I'm going to say, Oh, no, really this, you know, all that jazz. But I, I'm so afraid

they could see through me. I'm so afraid they could be like, he does not care about that. And you know what? You're right. I don't. So I get so nervous. And I, I mean, I love so much, um much not getting gifts. I was gonna ask you, does this extend all the way down to like, you know, your wife, she's got a heart of giving. Oh yeah, she. And she real, I mean, of all the texts I've ever received from your wife in my life, at least 90% of them have been,

do you think Jason would like this? What, you know, it's something about a gift she's thought to get you. Yeah, I mean, it's tough because, you know, she loves me and she wants to do well and she knows my proclivity for fear of opening gifts and whatnot, so. That probably makes it more fun for her.

Yeah, yeah. And it's really funny too, because the gifts that I end up really liking a lot are always just unexpected. I think the best gift I ever, I've received in the last, as long as I can remember, last Christmas my daughter got me these little, little cleaning wipes for my glasses.

Dude, I love them, they're incredible. Practicality. All right, my other one. So I need one more thing that makes me nervous. And this is, I'm sure a lot of people are like this. I would imagine, Mike, you are not very much like this because we just talked in the studio today. You have such a good memory.

You have such a good ability to remember things. But when I go to a place or I'm in a situation where I know I'm supposed to know this person and at least know this person's name oh my goodness I hate it because I don't remember you and I don't remember your name and I know that I'm a jerk and I'm so so so sorry but please I just don't I don't want to be in that situation. It's just, it's stressful. It's how my brain don't work.

I'm so sorry. My memory is excellent for a lot of things. Dates and names are not one of them. And as though I'm with you, like I, there's nothing more. I know the faces, but I don't know the names and you just become very adept at listening to people's conversations or finding someone else to try and tip you off with someone's name is nervous. Like, like, oh, it's the worst. You know, if I go, Hey, there you are. Uh-huh. It's you again. The worst time was a while ago when I went to a friend from high school's wedding and

then I'm around a bunch of people that are... But going to a, I don't know, whatever year reunion it is. Nightmare for you? I want to go. That seems like fun. Oh, that sounds awful. No, I don't want to go. I don't actually want to go.

It seems fun in a vacuum, except it seems awful for me know I won't I don't want to go I don't actually want to go like it seems fun in a vacuum except it seems awful for me because I Won't remember you don't want to study your yearbook. Yeah Give name tags to those events. Yeah, but that's to try to save you not good But they don't want to they don't want your eyes looking at that. Ah What's Frank Frank, of course? All right, that's a good one And that one I've seen you deal with. Yeah, you know me from high school. I got some texts from Jason going, please tell me his wife's name or something like that. Alright Mike, back to you. Final pick, what makes

you nervous? Alright, so this is a funny one. I get it for the purpose of the game. We can maybe count only one of these, but it's it. I feel like it has to come with a combo because it's just so ridiculous. So part one is when my wife doesn't answer the phone. Oh, I know which, which I've talked about this before. And the other part is when my wife calls me because either one either one sets off a panic alarm. That's a that's an anxiety thing because when I call my wife and she doesn't answer she has been kidnapped and right and her car is greened off a clip. It's been a yes. Yes she is.

Parish she's been abducted. She's gone. Basically I'll never speak to my wife again. She has left and if she calls me, that means that someone else is, uh, is no more. Like my parents are gone, but something's wrong with my kids because I didn't get a text message. If I get a phone call, we have moved to the stage where if my parents call me, the first. If the first thing I say and they laugh at it now is everything all right. Yeah. The first thing is you know that when my when my wife calls and like during

if I'm at work a non normal time and she has gotten it she's tried to help me show like she'll text and say hey are you are you busy? Not in emergency. Yeah. But even still, immediately I'm calling. Probably pretty serious. What's going on? Everything's OK? Everything's all right?

Who lost a leg? Wow, yeah, no, I get it. And it is weirder now because phone calls are less common. So the phone call breaks through as like a inherently more important thing which telemarketers need to understand that's fair when my phone rings I might my blood pressure goes up all right my final pick got a few more on the list I'm gonna go with surgery okay yeah surgery slash like medical procedures things where you are once again Not unlike your taxes. You're trusting another person you barely know

To perform something on your body when you have no say no control. You just get to wake up later You know, it can kind of go to the dental world too. because sometimes, you know, if you get your wisdom teeth out, they put you under, you're in a different state. Sometimes it can be a test, right? They put you in twilight sleep or something. Just those things make people nervous in general, and they certainly make me nervous. So are you more nervous of the procedure itself,

or are you more nervous of going under and being completely? More nervous of like not recovery, not dealing with any of that more nervous of like I have no control of this situation. So I'm handing it off. I'm handing it off. Something could go wrong, I guess. Yeah. And you know, I'm the opposite. I'm like, if I've got to get something if I've got to have a dental job done, I'm worried about the procedure. I put me under just like put put put my life in your hands. That's fine. Let help me not remember it

So long as you wouldn't be nervous if let's say that has happened and you're getting driven in to do that You'd be fine. Yeah, totally fine. If I know that you're gonna put me under I'm like, you know, they're like sir We're going to reorient your mouth in a vertical position when you wake up. You will have a vertical mouth Have you have you had anywhere you're not put, like just like a mole removed or any of, and now do you watch? No. Or do you look away? No, I can't watch anything done to my own body.

Okay. Because I get a, my body responds to it. You get the reaction, yeah, yeah. I get the vagal response. But I don't mind that if I'm fully of full mind, I actually like, even though it's more painful, it's something about the control, giving up that control of, not that I'm controlling the procedure anyway,

but just that I'm aware. And I guess it's as a dad or whatever, like, you know, worst case scenario, when you think about that, you're like, do I need to write letters to my kids today? You know, like, right. I need to get my affairs in order, which is funny. So, um, that'll do it. My other in contention. Oh, bees. Oh, you said bees making nervous. Yeah. The fear slash nervous is very close. A horror movies, the nervousness of going. That's why I hate them. Nausea in general. Any form of no, you know, is this leading somewhere? Are we going on? Is this going to a town I don't want to live in, you know? And then I said that holding other people's babies, roller coasters, and then the unknown in general. Just the unknown makes me nervous.

I had airplanes. Yeah, they do make me nervous. Which there's some nausea related stuff in there and being late. Yeah, I get it. I understand it. I do not like it. I've got being the passenger seat driver because I'm never the passenger seat driver. The phrase we need to talk. Oh, that's the worst. I mean, there's nothing just start talking to me, bro. You make me so nervous.

Because that's, that is the phrase that is preparing you. You're not going to like what I have to say. We need to talk. I'm giving you $3,000. That's never happened. No one ever says that. No. Having the scat always makes me very nervous.

That was on my list. That is so true. And then my favorite one, we actually talked about this before the show so I didn't interrupt it, but opening a can of biscuits You know what we're talking about then you know it you You peel off that paper on the outside wrapper and all of a sudden owl said as soon as you unwrap it is you you have A live grenade in your head at any moment that biscuits gonna pop Any out anything that makes you nervous that we didn't mention today?

You covered all the stuff that I had on my short list. Okay, you didn't say like losing a liar liar, that doesn't make you nervous? Not anymore. What did we learn today? What did we learn today? I learned that scientists are even more ridiculous than I have thought they were

with the achoo system or syndrome. I learned that Al has not lost the step. We thought maybe he would, uh, you know, fold, collapse into a group. He regrouped and he brought some real real lies today to the show. And I learned that there is a lot of flawed logic in money I would not take to lose my tooth and not pay to have a tooth back in place. The tooth goblin! I'll give you two million. Thanks for joining us. Oh my goodness. Thanks for laughing with us.

Hey, tell your friends about the podcast, please. Your friends and your family, they'll like the show. Goodbye. Thanks for listening to the Spitballers Podcast. To see what other nonsense the guys are up to, check out spitballerspod.com.