Stavvy's World - #65 - Jordan Jensen and Chloe Radcliffe

Episode Date: February 26, 2024

Jordan Jensen and Chloe Radcliffe join the pod to discuss Jordan's life going bad, the time Chloe hooked up with a FedEx guy, cheating, and much more. Jordan, Chloe and Stav help callers including a guy whose fiancee is pissed after he admitted he finds his coworker attractive, and a guy who really wants his girlfriend to shave her butthole. Find your inner wolf... and put some shorts on him at https://www.chubbies.com/ See Jordan Jensen live! Buy tix: https://punchup.live/jordanjensen Follow Jordan Jensen on social media: https://www.jordanjensencomedy.com/ https://www.instagram.com/jordanjensenlolstop/ https://www.facebook.com/jordan.cosentinijensen See Chloe Radcliffe's one-woman show in LA on 3/3! Buy tix: https://www.elysiantheater.com/shows/chloeradcliffe Follow Chloe Radcliffe on social media: https://www.instagram.com/chloebadcliffe/ https://www.tiktok.com/@chloebadcliffe https://www.youtube.com/@chloebadcliffe Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Oh, welcome everybody to Stavis World 904800 Stav. Colin will solve all your problems. We got Jordan Jensen, Chloe Radcliffe on the couch. How we doing? How we doing game? Jordan is, sounds like your life's going bad. You're even, like, I don't know, there's a sadness to you. Before you were like delusional the last time you've been, the last couple of times times you're here It was like you were happy, but you were clearly lying to yourself now. It seems like you've taken some truths

Yeah, and you know down. Yes, she's taking stock of her life and Realized it's bad and you know like these kinds of things So I don't like seeing you this defeated, but it is it is funny that you're spiraling I guess She bought a fucking puppy ever like, you know feet on the ground yeah yeah yeah I don't like to see this humbled but I know well it's just two sides it's either I manic her to press I'm just got you got you got you got you were you manik when you got the dog you know what that's interesting because I did put some time into it like I had over I had like a couple a week or so to make the

decision to like go through with the adoption and then I fostered her and then I still wow wow so are you saying you were manic that whole time yeah yeah you made a bad decision it's a bad to say I made a horrible say I'm not I mean I don't regret it because she rules and she's the best and she's like somehow magically a very well-behaved animal. Okay. Magically. She is.

How long, do you say she shits all over hotels? No, she's a puppy, so she's puppy training. She can't go outside, but she poops on one mat and pees on the other. Why can't she go outside? Because she has to get all over Parvo shots, or else she'll get Parvo. What's Parvo?

It's like a thing that kills puppies if they don't have it. Well, good thing you don't expose her to any weird elements. You just take her from city to city. She lives in the dirtiest city in America. Like the most toxins and shit you'll find. You live in New York and then you take her. You just took her to San Diego.

A nice short trip from New York. What, where, where, did you fly with her? Yeah. Okay, did you have her cleared as a fake like? Yeah. Oh my God, that sucks. How much extra do you have to pay? She's an emotional support. You don't have to pay anything because it was so easy. That fucking sucks. This is the most Republican thing that I believe that I have. totally that's so fake and unless you're blind You don't get one look and you have to be super blind by the way Look at you can't be like the kid from from a fault. What is it? What's the number I texted you to throw it up?

Doesn't matter. Well, you want to text you want your puppy to get airtime. Yeah text to eldest I guess oh Sorry, maybe not on there. Look at how we woke up this morning. Can you read yourself to the screen? Wow okay. Come on. A puppy cuddles you. Who gives a fuck? That's amazing. That's classic puppy behavior. Yeah can I see? Yeah. Gals I just want to interrupt for one second to let you know that this podcast is brought to you by Chubby's, one of my favorite brands. I've been a Chubby's user for years and pumped to have them on the show.

And in fact, we are introducing the Bunch of Wolves collection by Chubby's. Chubby's, find your inner wolf and put some shorts on him. At chubby's.com. Go on. Yeah, no, totally. It was a rash decision. I just was sick of the city

and I was sick of not having any of like the farm person in me, and I was sick of loving everybody else's dog and not being able to have my own, and I realize now that it's a little bit abusive to bring her on the road all the time, and I'm probably gonna have to get somebody to watch her, which is pretty sad. You're literally like a teen mom that's like, I need something to love. I need something that has to love me back. But as a dog, isn't it any dog's life good if you just play with it all the time? No, not in New York City.

It's this big, she's this big. How old is she? How big is she gonna get? Just this big, she's tiny. That's as big as she gets? She gets this big. What kind of dog is it? She's a Chihuahua cattle dog.

Interesting. That's gonna be so annoying when it gets, when he starts barking and shit. She's not barking, she rules. I'm telling you this. She's not in the bark, but she does need to run and Whatever it doesn't matter. This is boring who gives a fuck No one cares about your dog. It was a mistake that I made. Yeah, sure

I decided you said you wanted to I decided that I didn't want to have sex or date anybody ever again I got a dog. It's been crazy. We went to the vet today. Not helping the white woman dog stereotype, by the way. Saying that back to back. Just externalizing anxiety about being alone. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. And she can't leave me or call me fat, so I love her.

Guess she did call me fat the other day because I rolled over on her little inch, and she went, and I was like, oh, ow me that's yeah that's awesome that you that's what you think that means you're just all your all your like issues are coming to bear to bear right now why the celibacy Jordan I just can't do it anymore it's too much it's too crazy I can't it's hurting me, it hurts. And I hate sex, I hate it. I mean, when are you gonna admit you're a lesbian? That's really, I mean, this is fucking crazy.

This is like, I hate it, it hurts. I hate it, she don't like a hell dog. I got a dog instead of sleeping with men, yeah. And I love her. Yeah, yeah. There's gonna be one of the most predictable and not even, no one's gonna be, you're, it's so there's gonna be like one of the most predictable and like not even like no one's gonna Be you're gonna come out and people gonna be like, okay

About fucking time. It's gonna happen. I did have a girl come out to a show recently I had a crush on when I was younger. Oh interesting and she had the pheromone smell really yeah Yeah, she was very mad. Who's up with the woman? No, you had a crush on her when you were younger. Yeah. And she came and you, wait, you never, did you ever fuck with a girl? No, no, she was a little bit more than me

and I had my little mall goth gloves on and she had a Batman hat and I would go to the coffee shop she worked at and be like, hi. So you have been attracted to women since you were a fat goth. And was she hitting on you at this show? No, no, no, she was just coming to watch. But I hugged her and I compulsively was like,

I had a crush on you as a kid and she was like, okay, well, happy to be here. I could date a mask woman. The problem is I'm mask. So you can't mask women. Don't want mask women. Masculine. Some might.

No, it doesn't happen. Okay, find me a mask. Tignitoro, I would take Tignitoro. Okay, you're just saying you're a lesbian. This is crazy. That you think you're not gay. That you think the phrase you just said was, I want women, but I like a masculine.

I can't be gay. Like that's such a classic. Yeah. What are you talking about? What the fuck are you even talking about? Okay, but I don't like vaginas. I've tried going down on a girl and I didn't like it. It freaked me out and it was gross.

So who have hooked up with a woman? Well, it was a threesome. Okay. And you didn't like just the going down? No, no, no. Did you like that? You didn't like that just hers? I did, I liked it.

Did you like the situation though? You do like the movies? No, no movies. What are you talking about? I didn't like the boobs. You like her boobs? Do you like d situation though? You do like the movies? No, no movies. What are you talking about? I didn't like the boobs. You like her boobs? Do you like dicks? Yeah.

Yeah, that's the problem. But my mom likes dicks and she's a big old dike. She loves dicks. Another argument on this is actually something. You're actually so hysterically gay. It's like not even, I'm not even gonna, it's just like. But any masculine woman we always think is gay. No, no, no, that's not true.

What do you mean? My friend Jordan who is clearly a lesbian is who always think is gay. No, no, no, that's not true. What do you mean? My friend Jordan who is clearly a lesbian is who I think is gay. It's not any mask woman. It's like the person I've gotten to know over the years who just said she was too depressed, she hated men and she's gonna just be a celibate because it's too complicated.

They freaked me out with their penises coming at me. That's awesome, whatever. I don't care. In 10 years, you're going to have a wife. Maybe you're right, because this guy was sexualizing me the other day, like touching me, and I was like, stop. I'm not gay. You know what I mean?

This guy was? Yeah, he was being intimate in a way that the only thing I'm attracted to is if somebody's not attracted to me. It can be man or a woman. This statue facing away from me, doing it for me. Yeah, okay, interesting. Whatever. You're going to have a loving gay relationship.

That's the thing. This is my easiest call ever, is that all of this is projection. You say you're not attracted to people who give you attention, because if you just admitted that you just want a woman to give you attention, it would just, you would say like, oh, I'm gay. I'll try it. It's just internalized. You want me to try it? I'll get it on that. 100%. I'll get an app. I'll go out with. I've been on a date with a woman. They get too sycophantic. They get too like

you're my boyfriend and I'm like I'm not gonna say. Because you just need a masked woman. I didn't say you. You need a woman. You need an avoiding woman. Yeah you need a man as a woman. Yeah. They're out there. They're out there. We're gonna have make it happen right here. If you're a masked woman that'd like to eat Jordan's pussy and maybe kinda... I won't eat your pussy. Well, we'll see. We'll work up to it. We don't have to. You don't have to day one. You can just be the man in the relationship.

Pillow princess. That happens. That's out there. Yeah, I'll be a pillow princess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. See, that's perfect because that's theilla you're hot enough to do that in. Yeah, you know? It's like, yeah, yeah. Like for masked lesbians, you're the most feminist, feminine one.

You know what I mean? Like in masks. But with men they're like, I'm not gonna eat out this bear. Yeah, exactly, exactly. You're the bell of the mask ball. Okay. You're Cinderella.

I like this. This is working for me now. Okay, great. I'm glad we fixed this problem. This is awesome because we'd be having the exact same conversation with Ian if he was there. But Ian, you're just gay. I think Ian is straight. He just is. Okay. Let me tell you. That is a non-starter. We started by.

And by the way, the reason this is a page or not in a page or an That is a non-starter. We started by, and by the way, the reason this is a page, or not in a page on episode is to make Ian mad. I'm purely just. What's your argument that Ian's straight? How is that? He's gonna see this and be so mad. I told him he could come on with Jordan,

and then I just put Jordan on without him. It's awesome. With a woman. With a woman, yeah. Because Ian has sex with trans women who are very hot very feminine and he has sex with super feminine women right and men though not only when he has to someone has a gun to his mom's head and suck this black guy's dick as she gets it I don't think

that's ever happened. I don't think I would really put him in that much of a corner. Okay, then the other argument could be that he goes super feminine because he's gay, so he has to overcompensate. That's what you think? Okay. I don't know what I... He just can't get a normal girl, because no normal girls can get an 80-40-year-old who pees on pee pads. Yes, I mean, certainly there's more problems with Ian than just that he's gay. That's really the least objectionable thing about him.

Like no regular woman is gonna be regular, and I do mean that in the worst way possible. No human woman. Yeah. It's gonna come over and be like, yeah, show me the toys collection that you have of Ghostbusters. It's not gonna happen. They're not gonna be okay with it. And also no gay men, which is why he can't fuck regular gay men. That's what I'm saying.

He would fuck regular gay men if they were fine with Show Me the Toys collection that you have. Yes, and you know what the problem with Ian is too? It's just normal people have too high of standards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's not high, it's just a regular level. It's just the baseline. And Ian's big issue here is the trans acceptance

is happening because it was kind of like a mark. It was like, it was like a market inefficiency. Was that trans women weren't accepted by most of society. So if you just treated hot trans women as human beings, they would be like, this is the most romantic man alive. I don't care that he's wearing a bad brains cut off right now. And so, but as the community is just getting more accepted man alive, I don't care that he's wearing a bad brain's cut off right now. And so, but as the community is just getting more accepted by more people, Ian now does

it's not, he's not nearly as special. You can't be a short guy who's pretending he's not ugly. That's the other funniest part about Ian is that he thinks he's hot in his soul. He thinks he's like a handsome guy. It's awesome. He's the man for that. I gotta tip my hat. I gotta tip my hat to him. But anyway, that's you know, Ian's not here. We don't have to talk about him. We just gotta calm gay real fast. Did you orchestrate all this lavender? You know I didn't actually, but you're really

crazy. Is purple your favorite color? It's not my favorite color. Wow. I got this. I bought a new phone and I just wanted to Get a Proved to people that I'm not a monster what why wait well everybody just is the monster Everybody's the monster thing to do I'm a fumbler and that I am a fuck up and I'm showing them you're gonna prove Anyway, whatever. They don't test this theory. Yeah. No monster.

No case is monster. No cases I have enough money to not need a case. Yeah. I want to look like that. You want to look like that? That's the worst monster that cracks green. Well, you got to stop thinking. You got to stop caring about what other people think

of you, Jordan. And you just got to let what you want. I know. You're like, you're gay. I'm like, you want to fuck me? I'm like, changing everything. I'm like, maybe I should be looking for women. I're like you're gay Changing everything like maybe I should be looking for women. I mean you are gay. That's true I hate everything that women say right. Yeah, I do

I didn't say you're not a misogynist That's actually means you're double that that actually proves my point if you find women annoyed your pals Do you think I have you Never interesting and I am so I'm so uninter I want I would I it would like to my life would be I think easier and better I was I'll be gay just to get bookmark. I'll do it. Yeah, I I think easier and better if I was. I'll be gay just to get booked more, I'll do it. Yeah, I would. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love clout, you know?

Yeah, pretend that's what it's for, yeah. Jordan's trying to get booked more, guys. So when you see her, she's been married for eight years to a woman with my body type. Just know that it's because she's trying to get booked more when she opens up a rescue farm in New Hampshire with her fucking wife. I mean, I know exactly what your life is gonna look like.

You will 100% like take in like abused pit bulls and shit like that. Yeah. I do want that. And you're right. The idea of a man being there pisses me off. I'm like, how are you doing with my dogs? You're too aggressive with them.

Coyote is gonna be your entry point to lesbianism. Okay. When you just find a woman who is willing to come in and help you out with- I saw a hot guy at the vet today with a little dog and I walked in and his dog was beautiful. He was beautiful. And my first time I was like, you're a fag.

With this little dog, you fucking pussy. You're a pussy. Taking your dog to the vet like a bitch. But if it had been a woman, I would have been like, what's up? But the other problem is, yeah. My mom has the same problem. Women get too attached because she's the masculine one,

and then she gets grossed out by them and rejects them. And now she's along with the dog. I mean, with the cat. You can be avoidant with women. It's that you're anxious with men, but you could be, I bet you could be like power position with a woman. I don't like the power position I need daddy I need a woman who will be daddy there you go yeah solved yeah like I said I don't

think you are you it's that you are less masked than you think you're usually think you don't know shit Jordan you're dumb as shit you're just a lesbian okay let's just start there you'll figure out everything else you already got it Just start there. You'll figure out everything else. You already got a dog. You shouldn't have gotten. We are, we are a trustee of judgment on any of this. Just go on a couple dates with a lady that's wearing like a bowling shirt.

And then she'll move in immediately and then she can babysit the dog when I'm gone. There you go. Thank God. Done and done. Okay. Perfect. Does your mom think you're gay? My mom doesn't care about me.

I mean, folks, there it is. Why she's a lesbian who needs a woman that doesn't pay attention to her. We thought it was daddy issues surprise it's her weird sort of bisexual mom like looks gay as hell but is bisexual mom that's the funniest kind of kind of guy to be honest. She'll just fuck anything yeah that's pretty cool yeah yeah your your mom was born in the wrong era because she should be like a dirtbag they them right now. Yeah, she would be. You know what I mean?

She would be a dirtbag they them with like weird spiky hair, give a lot of different types of people, Chlamydia and Bushwick right now. She came home one day and she's like, I want to change my name to Dylan. And I was like. That's like an awesome. You are, I mean, mean honestly for your parental situation,

it is just crazy that you can do anything. You know what I mean? Like you have dead dad that knocked up a clear lesbian and then just had a, you know, and then you grew up on a weird lesbian farm. You're a fat goth that got molested. We covered that on a past Patreon episode. You were groomed by your PSAT tutor.

He wanted to fuck the lady that worked at Anteans. We didn't even know that until right now. You're up against a lot, bro. You're up against a lot. So good for you for even being semi useful as a human being. Yeah, getting a dog is the biggest mistake you've ever made. You're actually pretty proud of you for that one. Put it all into that dog.

So you know for sure all dudes for you, huh, Chloe? Yeah. That's okay. She's a sex addict. Oh, interesting. Nice to have a friend under the bus. I would say you're a sex addict. I don't think it's sex.

No, well not a sex addict. You had sex with a FedEx man say, I love that. You're a sex man. Love that. I don't think it's sex, no, you had sex with a FedEx man. Not pen. You had sex with a FedEx man. Yeah. That's cool. I'm so mad about it. I'm so mad about it.

I'm so mad about it. That's cool. What happened? I don't read them black. Okay, well, someone's been on gas digital a little too much to whisper black like that. This is why she won't come out as a lesbian. whisper black like that oh my god

no they what are you talking about there's there's plenty racist lesbians out there anyway there's hope. You mean it. Damn, Jordan, that's hilarious. So how does this happen? This is fun. That's a fun story. He just knocks on, and you literally just lived out a porno? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a lady who had sex with the delivery man. Now how does that start?

So I was on a Zoom, and my desk was in the like front bay window of my apartment and he walked up and I was, he was like motioning, he was like, it's for the upstairs but they're not answering. And I was like, just leave it there. And he goes, okay. It wasn't even your package. And he walked away, it wasn't my package.

Didn't even get like a, did he even get some Tupperware? No, he came my package. Yeah, there you go. He walks away and I turn to the, oh, it was before, we were like through the window and he, when he was like, it's for them, I was like, just leave it. And he mouthed, you're beautiful. And I went, and I was like, who me?

Did this? Cause it was just one person on the zoom and I like knew him well enough that I could like, get a whore and trap him. Yeah, I feel his love. And I was trying to impress this guy. Yeah, what do you think? All I wanna do that. Yeah, I feel his lungs. And I was trying to impress this guy. Yeah, what do you think?

All I want to do is fucking impress. Anyway, I just want to seem, just want to appear fuckable because that is how I interpreted value. That is value, yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is just due. Your value. I want a little of that.

It's just that I didn't. Well, then you should apply yourself a little more if that's what you're looking for. It's not, it ain't going too good right now, George. You know why your number, I could could give you one you wouldn't like it So anyway, but that's only from men's perspective right right, but that's she's again We've covered she's attracted to women with my body for sure a bitch that weighs as much as me with a polo on You know what I mean?

Cargo khakis. Yeah. Yeah. With stuff in them? Oh yeah. Dog treats? Yeah, dog treats and like little stuff for a plier. I don't know.

And they don't wear a little news boy cap. They don't want to fuck that much. Exactly. This is your dream scenario. Anyway, we're done with you. She's telling an interesting story. We don't need to go into more of Jordan's therapy. The ball will come back to you eventually, Jordan.

Can we talk to it? Can we hear something that happened that's weird? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Enough. Interesting. Huh? You don't, you really don't want to know right now. Is it four? Yeah.

It's four. Yeah, let's say it's four, Jordan, anyway. Look, you're just coming at me. The way you are right now is tough, okay? That's all I'm saying. You've got like a sadness, but not a sadness I can take advantage of, which you know, just a deep rooted one. Like there's just a lot of not going good.

The hairs are oily. You were late, you know? You're clearly dumb because of that dog. Yeah. It's not good, Jordan, but yes. All right, Chloe. Yeah. you soaked a man's dick. Come on. Only once.

This is interesting. So all he had to do was go, you're beautiful. He said you're beautiful. And I was like. I'm guessing he's a piece of ass. There's no way he's not. He's beautiful. He was hot.

But I would say, maybe the hottest person I've ever met in Texas. Oh, cool. And he walked away. That was what it was. He walked away. I turned to the guy in the zoom. I was like, that's crazy.

He just, he looked through the window and said, you're beautiful. And I was like, oh great. Guy in the zoom was like, I don't even know that that's true. You might be like, like we were like laughing about it. And then a minute later, the FedEx guy comes back up the stoop and was panting.

He was like, I need a signature and they're not answering can you come sign for it? through the window and I was like, okay, I have my air pods in so the guy on the zoom heard all of this I like went to the front door and I asked the I Was like, oh this is what happened I was I said I can give you the upstairs neighbor's name because it's not for me and he was like, oh, this is what happened. I said, I can give you the upstairs neighbor's name because it's not for me. And he was like, no, you can give me your real name.

I can just transfer it in the system or something. And I laughed and I was like, is this just a slick way of getting my name? That like came out. And when that came out of my mouth, I was like, oh, we're doing this. The ball is rolling down the hill in a way that I didn't expect it to.

And he like blushed, he laughed. And then I told him my name, I asked his name. We were sort of like giggly. We were like- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Some's in the air. It was crazy. It's in the back of both people's minds,

like we're not gonna fall, right? Exactly, 100%. I mean, it just felt so crazy. And I laughed and I then said, I said I'm on a work Zoom right now. And he was laughing and I was, and I don't know, we said a couple of the things. And then I can't remember whether I said,

I think he said, when is your break? Or maybe I said, when is your break? One of us, whatever it was. But I think he for sure said, when is your break? And I was like 20 minutes, because that was how long was left in the Zoom. And then he straight face goes, looks at his watch and he goes so should I come back at two and I was like sure whoa and then he the the straightest face I've ever had

it he said are you sure and like yeah yeah yeah and I was like yeah yeah because at that point it's like you you're not thinking. You're just talking. Yeah, of course. You're in the moment, yep. You could think about the fear for your life or something bad happening. Now that is racist. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. It's a rock and roll. Quiet down. It's a rock and roll flag. It's so weird. It's so weird. Everybody, people do, people, when I tell this story,

because he then came back, he, like we hooked up three times, he rang my doorbell every day, every weekday for three months. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was crazy, you got one. But it was, is very give a mouse a cookie, you know? Of course, I mean, listen, he's not wrong. If I ring a doorbell and the lady fucks me immediately, I'm ringing that doorbell a couple of times. This is pep only.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just standing, we're supposed to. The lady fucks me immediately. I'm ringing that doorbell a couple times He goes home gets the same shorts he was wearing maybe this is it What am I doing differently? Maybe trying different patterns. He goes home, gets the same shorts he was wearing. Maybe this is it. Damn. And he, yeah, he like, I ended the Zoom early and I called my best friend out in LA and I was like, what's, I remember saying to my friend out in LA, I was like, do you think, I was so, I mean, it's like, I was like, hi on adrenaline. I couldn't figure out. And I said to my friend out in LA, I was like, do you think, I was so, I mean, it's like, I was like,

hi on adrenaline, I couldn't figure out. And I said to my friend on the phone, I said, I just made some coffee, do you think we're just gonna have coffee? And my friend was like, no, I think you're gonna fuck a strange. Some coffee. And then you read, and I didn't know if he was really gonna come back, and then the doorbell rang,

and I was like, I gotta go, and I hung up, and that, and yeah. Well, there's no. How did you get from door to sex? I'm gonna guess immediately. Immediately? There's no like chit chat. We started making out right away.

I like, I open, I mean, but what was nice? He was like, we were both like physically shaking. Well, the fact that he came back every day for three, like tells me he's not cool. Tells me that like. tells me he's not cool I wound up getting to know him Well, well, but like yeah a couple times because I was like I cut it off three separate times. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Then I moved

Now was the move already in the works or was it motivated? Don't touch that chord like that while she tells his story. This is like, really? Taking notes is like, yeah, when you move. Also my new FedEx guy is ugly, thank god. Yeah. Hey, but he might be like a good listener nice personality The less you know the hotter they've been I would say I have a very wide range I would say I don't have like a type you like

uh-goes you Me too I'd go for nerds. Yeah. No, I get hot guys you did Jordan needs something let's give her this bone. I know who you fuck. You don't. I got one major complaint. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, there's some complaints. I'm sure, yeah. I mean, okay, how about this? We had to go with your three worsts. Whose are worse, would you say? Hers. Oh, really? Hers. Oh really? You got one really bad one and then.

I don't have many bad ones. No, you don't have many bad ones. But you also don't have as many as me. I have a lot of horrible people. Right. You have worse people. What did that tutor look like? What was his name?

Yeah. Whoa. That was a different situation. That was, I was very young. Okay, all right, all right. I had a different situation. That was... I was very young. Okay, alright, alright. I had a blindfold on. Check out the Patreon with Maddie. I gagged in my mouth and I was chained up.

Check out the Patreon originally. Elders will flash the date it went on. Sign on to patreon.com slash Stavies World. Best deal in the show, but in entertainment folks. Five bucks a month, you get extra... You get to hear Jordan's crazy childhood stories. Anyway, interesting. So, that is wild.

Yeah, that isn't a crazy thing, cause this is- It's the coolest story I'll ever have. I will never have a better story than that. But what's funny, so after the first time I was like, great, the lesson that I'm taking away here is never say no to novelty sex, because the sex wasn't amazing. Yeah. A ton of funny, I mean it was crazy.

Like, he came in and he was so hot that he just like kept saying, also how we dealt with our nervousness was very different. He talked 100 and I talked zero. And it was just, I was like silent most of the time and he just could not stop. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really funny to be like, to be being like nervous while you're getting your dick socks. It's like, the nerves are over pal.

He has like first date nerves. First date nerves. And it's like, but he's inside of you right now. That's, that is hilarious. Kept talking, kept talking. He also, but when he came in, we like started making out right away. And then he said, after a little while,

he said, can I shower this dick off? And I would. Oh, wow. That's a fair question. I mean, he's a working man. He's a working man. You're being anti blue collar. That's offensive.

Can I shower this dick off? Is like, what do you gotta shower off? You would have rather gotten a fucking UTI from him, probably. Yeah. You would have just shut your mouth. Oh, oh, before he put it in you. Before. Oh, I thought after he pulled it out,

I was like, can I shower? No, no, no, no, no, no. Now that it's been in there, I need to. That's the kind of guy I'm dealing with. Hey, do you think you could cut my dick off now that it's been inside you? No. Can I shower this dick off?

Can I shower this dick off? That's crazy. He had to like take off his little FedEx uniform? He had to put a scan gun on you. I made him keep the scan gun on me. He's putting the scan gun in your pussy? But he... He's just like...

Like you're... Oh fuck. The little beep actually tickles your clit. It's like the electromagnetic radiation. He does signature on it. Yeah, yeah. Wow. That's how he with the electromagnetic radiation. He does signature on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. That's how he would practice fingers making.

Yeah. Practice fingers making. Wait, every day he came back? Not every day. After the first couple of weeks, it was like every other, every like two or three days that he would ring the doorbell. And then for three months, he rang the doorbell every single day. To the point that I was like hiding.

Hiding, yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. And I hiding. Yeah. Yeah, that's crazy I never felt unsafe people everybody's always like don't didn't you feel unsafe and like no, he's a sweet Yeah, moron Sweet sweet guy younger than you. He's nice. Yeah, that's cool Now it's cool. Well, yeah, it's like a young boy Yeah You know like a young boy. Yeah, he was like young boy. You know, like a woman.

Yeah. Yeah. No, but it's cool for him. It's super cool for him. Are you kidding me? Yeah. No, totally. And the nice thing was,

it's such a cool story for him, no disrespect. Oh, of course. It's just like for him, it's like, for you, it's like, yeah, come on in here, fuck me on your break. For him, it's like come on in here fuck me on your break for him. It's like god damn for real I'm the woman in her you know, yeah middle-aged who's like smoke No, that's he will be beating off that to on his deathbed. Yeah, that's a fun one That's cool here the the so I like finally cut it off.

We like, the time that I cut it off after a few times I was like, come on in. Cause we hooked up a second time. The second time the lesson was don't try to recreate novelty sex. It's never gonna be, it's just gonna be bad and the novelty's not gonna be there. Then the third time I took more control and like told,

I like, he had been doing like dirty slut dirty talk And I was like none of that that's not my thing Interesting the second I said don't none of the dirty slut dirty talk that literally the next sentence out of his mouth was you're amazing I just watched a mid-20s guy brain. He's like oh, she doesn't like bad, what does she like, she must like good, yeah. I don't care. But, and then it was like, I was just like, I don't want sex at last 12 minutes and comes as a surprise.

Is this not, cause he wouldn't give me his contact information, cause he was cheating on his girlfriend, that's what it is. This guy's fucking awesome. No, all it to, I was too. This guy rocks. It's just ego-wit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

No, he probably is a piece of shit, but he is funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's funny though. Wouldn't give you the contact info about rings the door every day. Yeah, yeah. And then we put a full proof plan for him. Yeah, it is old fashioned. I kind of, you gotta, you know. You used to be able to cheat a lot easier.

This guy really is doing like the old milkman thing. Yeah. He's like, this is a throwback. Yeah. I asked him once, I said, I was like, I think I asked before we had sex the first time, are you clean? Also we used to con him.

But then, no, no, no, we didn't use to condom. I forgot. I forgot. Whoa. Now you're cool again. Oh my god. Now it's back to your cool. So cool.

Yeah. Yeah. Damn, no condom. I mean, listen. I'm glad he was not raw dog, some questionable strange, cast the first condom. I'm not throwing it, all right? I've done some.

I've taken some wild risks. This is, yeah, it was a wild risk, but I remember asking, are you clean? And then- That's when he has to shower his dick off? He thought you were being literal. He only gave him one ticket. But the panic on his face,

because when I was like, you are clean, right? And I watched the terror of if she's not, and I take an STD back to my girlfriend, I was like, I know I'm fine. That was the insurance. I was like, I always talk to somebody who's cheating on your girl, I guess you're a bad girl. You never get an STD.

Yeah, well, I don't know that math is full proof. I don't know. It is full proof. Show me how that could go wrong. Walk me through the scenario of that going wrong at all. I'm with you. Do you wear condom every time you fuck a rando? I'd love to give you the answer I have worn a condom and How old am I? Yeah, really great. I don't think I've worn a condom in, how old am I? That's the whole thing. Yeah, really. Condoms are great.

I don't have random sex though. I have sex with people that I'm intending on marrying most of the time. That's, what are you? I wish it wasn't true. I can't have random sex. I can't, I could never do that. Intending on marrying?

Yeah, if I like have a big crush on them and I'm like I can see my life with them, I fantasize about them and then I have sex with them. A woman claiming she's not a lesbian when that's what... That's like a Victorian lesbian like fantasy. It's like... Yeah, the first, the second date is just a chapel. Yeah.

I mean, I... Yes, I have definitely... I definitely had a stretch that I can't believe I came out of unscathed, but I'm good now. I'm a responsible boy. I also think I have... This story is not typical for me. Right. I think this story makes me sound.

No, Columbia. I mean, I... Whoa, the rare white woman going to Columbia for cock. Wow, it's usually... Yeah, but I hooked up with a German guy. Okay, all right. All right, all right, all right. The passport, yeah, there's no passport chicks.

It's all passport bros. But this is a, so you, but that's all, she's on vacation for Christ's sake. Who is going to use a condom on vacation? It's a vacation away from things like sex. You have such a, so many issues, it's insane. That's why you're this weird. It's like, it's like so many things fighting

to create a person, a vacation away vacation away from set you on your perfect vacation You're not getting Not like you're having so much sex that you need a vacation from it Go on the beach suck my pussy and salt salt water so it snaps back from all the sex I'm having What you just look up the random guy in Columbia? Is this her story? In a hostel. In a hostel, I mean that's all part of the story.

And then her friend, can I say? Yeah. You can bleep it out if you don't want to. Or we can not say whatever you want. I mean say it and it just was just about a person who, it's not bad, who cares. We can bleep it out. She just was on a trip with a friend

who was not happy that she was getting dicked out and she wasn't. And then she made Chloe go on like the next day. I was hungover the next morning and the person I was on the trip with was made me go on a hike that we had gone on the day before. Trayme just repeat the hike. Just punitive?

While I'm gone for it. Because she didn't fuck? That's the most woman thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh you don't want to go on the hike. I thought we were in this together. Yeah. That sucks. That is fucking hilarious. Um yeah I don't know I mean look our condoms great especially when you have a subpar penis that doesn't need another obstacle to stay hard I'll tell you that much no, but sometimes you got to persevere, you know Everybody should Doesn't it just create like a I just have never I think I might have used one twice I can't It's not good Yeah, they're a nightmare. They're a nightmare. They also, they smell, the, like, the smell is the worst thing. It's not good.

It's the worst thing in the world. It's not good. A media yeast problem, just knocking my pH off. It's just not... Interesting. They should make, they do need to improve the technology. And listen, I'm using, I've said it before, the thinnest ones, the law will allow to still be called the condom. The land.

I'm using just the most translucent, you know what I mean? Like, you know, whatever can legally, the thinnest something can legally be and be called the condom. I'm using that. But still, you know, we're, I guess, you know, you shouldn't get diseases and all that kind of stuff, but they do suck.

And then if somebody lets you fuck with that one once, you can't go back. Yeah, you can't go back. You can't go back. Yeah. You can't go back. You can't go back. You can't go back. Ugh. That was so, I was dating someone that's like, we had been raw dogging and then I guess she started seeing, because it was, I guess she thought we might have been dating, like

we were gonna date or something and I was just like, I don't know about all that. Which in hindsight I should have, she was actually great. And then it's very funny to be like demoted to condom sex No, she was like we should probably use a condom from now on and I was like Fuck is what it is weird to have to stick to and I stuck around for a while, which actually just feels a little Punitive like not I mean it's fine on her, but like does feel a little punitive right because it's like what's the point? Is it that she was like trying I got pregnant I'm fucking other people It was that it was it was more of a like hey, I'm fucking other people type thing. I mean I don't I want to she was

She was I mean only one other guy and then I Mean she was right to want to call I'll put it that way She was like that's the thing It's like before it was a different guy It was like I guess she was cool to be a risk-taker right If someone was gonna give someone something It's also always men giving women something it's so much for women to get STDs from really yeah men It's so much harder for men to get STDs. because there's just less fault there's just like places yeah yeah yeah if you like

unfolded a pussy would be like so long all the skin all the skin if you just like if you like filleted like a fucking wraps around the world all of the labial yeah yeah yeah absolutely and have each disease like there's a lot of space for disease there. But what are you gonna do? But luckily I've never, I'm clean, never, you ever have anything Eldis? I'm clean.

Peerless ass dick. Crowdly, yeah. Crowdly clean. I have a lescom contagios in months. What's that? A lescom? It sounds like a Harry Potter spell, but it's like, no, it sounds like something that happened to you.

Oh yeah. It's when, no, it sounds like something that happened to you. So yeah. It's when your uncle, the willing guy, and he comes over and plays games. It's like itchy bumps on your pubis mound, and they itch so bad, and the lady was like, do you want me to burn them off or freeze them off? And I was like, I want you to burn them off. Yeah.

It was to this day, the best feeling in the world. Oh and I was like, I want you to burn them off. Yeah. And it was to this day, the best feeling in the world. Oh, it was like getting your pussy bumps. Yeah. But singed off. They it so bad. And she just, oh. What?

What is that? You could hear them die. Is it an STD? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it an STD? No kids get it too. Yeah, that sounds like just like a bacterial. A rash infection. It's like a itchy, I don't know. Look it up, Molluscombe it an STD or something? No kids get it too. Yeah, that sounds like just like a bacterial infection.

It's like a itchy, I don't know, look it up. Molaskum, did you have to shave first? Did she burn the hair too? Good question. You probably had to shave. I don't know, she might have shaved me. I wonder if she did, man. Tough day at the office.

Yeah. It was itchy. I still have a scar right above my clitoris from where there was one really itchy one and she dumped the bottle and I was like, I need more there. What are you doing, Bert? What are you, what?

Fresh. No, no, no, but what is it? Is it? To drop her. Of what? Of acid? Yeah. Whoa.

Didn't they, you had some, do you have a wart or something? No, I had a yeast infection That looked like some shit Like on my dick head under my foreskin. Yeah, we're on sirk over here We're members of the foreskins. Yeah, I had I had that shit. They just gave me I think singed off no Never singed off my dick I had a word on my leg that

Did you say it smelled like fucking bacon or some shit? Yeah? Oh, I don't remember somebody else Maybe maybe told me this story another fat friend of mine There is roasting the fat Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a nut. It's like when you when you cook like a the fat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you're smelling. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like when you cook like a pork shoulder. Yeah, I mean, you feel it rendering off. Yeah, that is what people say. That's the only thing I've had. You've never had anything?

You're such a whore. Eating people. No, I've never had anything. Really? Never had anything. Wow. But it's because I fuck losers who are only in love with me? I Sell select into people

Are like you are the most interesting thing I've ever met in my life, and I don't care about anything else You are my soul focus, so I remember that's why you're saying you're a love addict not a sex addict because I also like you know I I have cheated a ton. I have I have a fucking solo show about it. I'm a cheater, huh? Big cheater. That's why I won't reveal the FedEx man's name. Yes. Yes honor amongst thieves I'm not a bad person hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah-snitching around here. Thank you. You absolutely are behaving the right way as far as I'm concerned. So I, no, but like in cheating, I drew the line before penetrative sex constantly.

Like I never, I one time, yeah, one time I crossed the line. The very last time that I cheated I crossed the line. Oh, so what would you consider, I mean, we're talking. Oh, I mean, I would like, we would be naked. I would like, we would have oral sex. But like, I'm not saying like, I have done yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah You're shaking so much. That's a wild move. So bad. So, so, so bad. We can have anal sex, and you can have one of my hands. You can also take one of those off.

Yeah, Jesus. And you can hurt me for a while. Oh, interesting. The cheating and the love addiction is an interesting combo. They're just losers that won't do anything about it, or are you just find somebody that's like. It's just doing the drug of, it's just feeling somebody go oh my god you're incredible and that's am her boyfriend in relationships where the office I'm always the guy who's

like I'm obsessed with you and they're like I just fucking for other guys I saw her solo show and at the end of it everybody's clapping I was like I don't like you I don't like you. I don't think we'd be friends anymore. She is good though, the social is so good. It's really good. Thank you. But the amount of, I've dragged,

I've like made her sit with me for four hours, so I've been like, just explain what would make you do these things. Yeah, I am the people you fuck. I am the point, you are the anxious. And you are the people I like you. I'm the simp bitch. Right, I'm the ugly simp bitch.

She's like, what do you think that you would love me when you're thoughtworked? I'm like, oh you find somebody, if you find somebody who's like, you're the best I'm ever gonna do, that is the bread and butter to your sociopathic management. That is a latch.

Like, oh, it feels so incredible. Yeah, yeah, yeah oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, to stand on your merits. Oh yeah, you don't even remember what have to risk rejection. Yeah, yeah. That's cheating is the safety blanket because it's like, I remember being in college and I had a long distance, I had two long distance boyfriends back and back.

Nice. And it was like, so I would go to a party and really what I wanted to do is like go to a party in college and feel like popular and attractive and whatever, but I was weird. I like, I weighed a lot more. I was competing in college speech and debate every single weekend like I was a For

This is where I forget I'm a little weird, there's like stuff going on, I won't get into it. This is where I forget that I have it. I forget too, I forget too. But also it is like, yeah, it shapes every single interaction I've ever had in my entire life. And so it's like- Do you feel it's a big win for the birthmark on face community to be getting this much dick?

That you're doing it? I'm a teacher for my people. These are the people, yeah, sucking off strangers. This could be you little girl with a fucked up face that's beautiful man that. That's beautiful. When they can't look at your face, they will be fine with it. That's the kind of that's nice glass ceiling breaking right there. Thank you. Yeah. Sorry, so in college.

Oh, that's the safety blanket is that I would like, I really just wanted to go to a party and make out with somebody. Yes. But I would but I was too insecure. So I go to I was in a long distance relationship. I would go to a party, I would, and then I would flirt with somebody, and if they liked me back and we made out, then it was like, awesome, this is the thing I want.

And if they didn't, then I was like, well, that's fine. I'm not even supposed to be flirting with you because I have a boyfriend. It's the perfect insurance. It's just nice to hear that from a woman. Yeah, yeah, I know plenty of, we were actually just talking about this, how, that is one of this like I've never felt More like I could fuck more women than when I had the support of a loving woman in my life

You know what I mean where I'm like and I didn't do it Jordan I didn't here's the thing not everyone's not everyone's a scumbag scumbag. You know what I mean? I mean, but a lot more than they've met. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now listen. Am I going to ask you directly? Every guy cheats though I'm finding out.

No, no. They don't. I think every person cheats. I think so many fucking people cheat. I don't cheat. Women don't cheat. I think every women. Women definitely cheat.

What? My most common reaction. When I tell women I've cheated in almost every relationship, not every single one, but almost every, the far and away the most common reaction that women have is, oh yeah, me too. Well, every single one is kind, like I would definitely assume that everyone has cheated. And listen, I haven't cheated the way like,

yeah, technically Amazon pays their taxes. You know what I mean? Like I haven't cheated because we weren't date. You know what I mean? Like it was like, I fucked like three girls and like, all right, ready to be official. You know what I mean? Like it was like, I fucked like three girls and I'm like, all right, ready to be official. You know what I mean? Like it's bullshit.

But yeah, I grew up with a guy on the phone and then while my dick was pushed up again. Well, your dick was pushed up. There we go, folks. Maybe she's even trans. Maybe Lesbeth's not far enough. Maybe she's actually trans. In two years, I'm just blowing in.

Yeah. Oh my God! That's it! It's been in front of us the whole time! Holy shit! Once you become a guy, then you guys get married! He is just jerking my dick. Holy shit, that's beautiful.

Anyway, sorry, but this is interesting though. Holy shit, that's beautiful. Anyway, sorry, but this is interesting though. Every relationship is, because I would have guessed that in, like there would have been a couple that like everyone's cheated, like has been lying about cheating in general, but every relationship does seem,

that actually even surprised me, who is, I'm no prude here, right? Like that is kind of shocking. Yeah. You are shocking, for me, you're shocking to hear that a lot of women are like that. Both, I guess. I mean, for me, right? Like, that is kind of shocking. Yeah, shocking for me or shocking to hear that a lot of women are like that. Both, I guess. I mean, for me, it's like, I just,

this is my maladaptive coping, coping. I don't drink very much. I don't, like, I like drugs, but I don't do very many drugs. I'm so able to not lean into substances. I'm so, there's so many bad habits that I, or like coping mechanisms that happen to not do it for me. This is my thing in the way that people who are like,

oh yeah, I haven't cheated or like I cheated once but whatever and that they can walk away from that, but then like cannot walk away from alcohol or whatever. But, but no, but I will say that like the amount of women who are like I've cheated in almost every relationship I've ever ever it's so common. I believe it because I mean I also think that Especially if you're like constantly someone's constantly trying to fuck you if you're a hot woman I could see what you're just like, you know, just sorry Jordan. I'm kind of talking to Chloe right now I'm trying to actually have a conversation with someone that relates to this.

You looked me in my eyes and you went, if you're a woman, I just looked away. This was like, oh. You are the dog that has been shamed. No, Matt, not for you. But all my cheating was before, I lost a bunch of, I lost like 40 pounds about like two and a half years ago. And that's, all my cheating was before.

My cheating was when I was heavier. For the plus size and the face, and the face community. It's like you're doing it for both So much bigger Even when you're heavy it was like proportionate, you know what I mean? I don't think I've been a hot girl forever, but I think I've been like carry yourself. I carry myself like a sloth Yeah, yeah again Jordan you're not the

Fucking up the flow this conversation Yeah, even if you had these you wouldn't how would you there's no way that would be such a waste of big tits if you had these you wouldn't, how would you care? There's no way. That would be such a waste of big tits if you had them. That would piss me off. I'd be like give these tits to someone else, Jordan. They're wasting them. You're shipping them up. I would get removed. I thought about it if I had big tits.

You might have to leave if you keep talking. The bid is going to end and I'm just going to get pissed off. You think one of the people who like wouldn't wear a bra and would wear a sweatshirt, like would let your tits just hang. Like a great hound dog. Yeah. You wouldn't, yeah.

I would bind them I think. Yeah, interesting, that sucks. Yeah. But anyway. That's interesting, that sucks. Noted, unfortunately. Thank you for making me imagine that. Put another one in the file. Thank you for making me imagine that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you for making me imagine your, like, theoretical big tits not getting shown off. Thank you for making the one thing that would be good about you. The only thing that could be added. Let me have something. We have something that doesn't exist. Let's get you up to five. Which is a bump of two steps actually.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Interesting. So, but what you're saying is like you cheated before, but you're off, you're trying to get off cheating basically. Is that what you're saying? Totally, well I mean, I mean truly like. It could be a youth thing too.

I could definitely see like, especially if you're like younger, you want validation. And also, are these even good relationships? Like there's a lot of stuff going on here. Oh, there's so much going on. But I could definitely see a bunch of young, but it is funny because you say that, and then my inner like red pill,

I'm like, they're a horse. You know what I mean? Like you say that, and like I can't even help it. I hear that, and I'm like, every relationship, you know what I mean? And it's like, also when I'm saying this, it's like- So sample size is not like, you know, these are people that come up to you and stuff.

It's not like you're doing the census. No, she's bad. What do you mean? Is that what you're saying? No, I'm saying it's not that meant in the grand scheme of things. Like if somebody, if there's somebody who I wind up engaging in a conversation with cheating about,

that's probably a person who's a cheater. Oh, but I would say no, I am like pretty, I've always been open about cheating with like, stranger level people. Like my boss, when I was 22, I worked at Corporate Job. Before I did stand up, I worked at Target Headquarters and my boss at Target Headquarters knew that I had a history.

Like I've always been open about it. That's so funny. It'd be just some girl at Target, some fat 22-year-old who's like, yeah, I suck dick on the side. I mean, it's so crazy. Like, how does that come off? It's so fucking work. That's awesome.

No, I get it. Yeah, people come up to you like cheating, like they come up to me, and they're like, I also want to kill myself. Yeah. And nobody says that to me. Nobody says that to me and they're like I also want to kill myself Everybody says to me don't kill yourself Interesting interesting, huh? Well, you know, I would love to see some real numbers on that. I just think it's the same across men and women.

Like, I don't think, like, the reaction of like the women are whores, which is the like, that's just how we are taught to view women as submissive. That's fair. That's it. Like, men cheat exactly the same amount. Exactly. More, if not more. Well, see, I guess what's really shocking about it is that I definitely think a lot of people cheat, right?

And even men, but like if you told me every guy has cheated in some, like it just doesn't track with the people I know. I agree, no, and when I say- Every guy you know has cheated. Who hasn't? He hasn't. Okay, the one guy you see all day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one guy who you have eyes on. But no, like my friends growing up, like definitely people I know growing up, I would say, and even if they cheated, they didn't cheat in every relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like when I'm saying the most common reaction I get,

I'm not saying 100% of women say that. But that it is. There's a small but vocal minority. These slots are not a minority. I know how I'm defying my way after the show to be like, I've done what you've done. You know what I mean? No, but it's like a stranger at a party

and I'm just like open about it in a way that, and I am open about it because I think that so many people have this experience. Also like, so I wanna be clear, like I'm not saying every woman has cheated, I'm not saying every man has cheated. But I do think that more than. Then let on.

I think way more than let on. But I think that the majority of people have cheated. Also my definition of cheating is not like having a second family. To me, I'm like cheating is making somebody feel safe and then pulling the rug out from under them. Like I count an emotional affair as cheating for sure. But like that.

I guess you're right. I'm thinking straight up like stick suck or more. Like for me is like that's the. Stick suck in the broom closet. Yeah, that's cheating to me. I've done that. Okay. While my boyfriend was at the party

I sucked a dick in a closet. Whoa, what the fuck? I was very mad at him. And you and you think cheaters are unforgivable. Well, the guys didn't get... Oh, that's so funny. That still counts? Still counts?

Sorry, you used up your cheating token on a dud. That's not... that's no one's fault but yours. Yeah. That was so awful. I knew it at the time. I was like, your dick has to get hard. I can't get back at this guy if you have a soft dick. It sucks. You just got owned twice. hard. I can't get back at this guy if you have a soft dick. It sucks.

You just got owned twice. You got owned twice. Yeah, that's just getting back at yourself. It was so bad. I think the guy I was dating was like, I want to go on a break. And I was like, oh yeah? So then I went into the closet and tried

to suck a flaccid dick. And it was like, everybody hates me. You just grabbed a random man at the party. Who was this guy? Come on, come on, come on. You knew him, or? I don't know how this blacked out. Oh, hell yeah. It's this guy? Just come on, come on, come on. You knew him, or? I don't know how this blacked out. Oh, hell yeah.

It's like I got limp ass dick. That's awesome. I seriously. It might have been my boyfriend. Yeah, yeah, you weren't sure. Impossible to say. I just mean, I just think that a lot of people have cheated. And I think that women cheat exactly the same amount as men.

Yes, yes, yes. I think men cheat exactly the same amount as women. I think it's like, I think people stray all the time and don't admit it and don't. And like, and justify it and keep it secret. And I think that- I think you're right about that, yeah. The idea that there's any, to me though,

like there's no joke to this, but it's like, if we wanted to stop, we would want people to talk about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cheating isn't like a, I don't think it's a sexual prowess thing like we think of. I think it is like a overeatering thing. It's like, you know what I mean? It's like, yeah, if you can't say no, you just will cheat. Definitely. Oh yeah. Or if you learned, yeah, it's like if you learn, I learned that it was, that I could get away with it and that that was easier than ending the relationship. Yeah. Yeah,

yes. That I could definitely. Wow, that got to mm. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, yes. That I could definitely. Wow, that got two mmms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, because I definitely think now... What are you... Now, what were you saying about whores? Well, I didn't... I'm not taking that back. I just... that's how they think. You're just letting me know how they think, so I'm armed in my war against them. Yeah. She's made me read pill too. I'm like, oh yeah, you're not good. But no, I guess the, that always has been, I've always looked at it, I'm not even just saying this to shit on you, but it's like cheating also is kind of,

serves as the coward's way out of a relationship. I understand. Sometimes where it's like, I don't want to have this conversation, I'm gonna fuck somebody up. You're just dead ending yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also like, I was never found out,

I was only ever found out once. Damn. Had a lot of options. Yeah. But that's. How also like I was never found out. I was only ever found out once damn had a lot of options How'd that feel? being found out yeah, yeah Scary but then at the end of the conversation. He said he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life Oh my god, which is the ultimate win for you, which is the The games where you get you play a grig game You're the best thing I've ever, yeah. The games, you play a rigged game every time.

It's rigged, totally. And I don't mean that, again, I don't say this to say, I'm trying to be better, I'm trying to do it. Totally, totally. The fact that I'm trying to talk about this so openly is because I'm trying to investigate this. Two Chloe's boyfriend, she's doing a lot better. Yeah, yeah.

Don't worry. It's all good. Hasn't ordered anything from Amazon in weeks. Yeah, don't worry. It's all good. Nope, hasn't ordered anything from Amazon in weeks. Yeah, this guy's like, I'll stay for the pack. Why don't you just get him delivered to my place, got a doorman building. It's a little safer that way. And I'm like, you think I can't, you think I can't then

find a delivery. I'll look at Uber Eats, guys. My standards are low. No, that totally makes sense. So that's interesting. I mean, I've definitely thought about it because I have in when I'm in a full on relationship, relationship, I never have, but I've been so tempted.

Like I know that's in me. And it's also this, like my dad cheated. It's like that's fucked up, like you do tend to recreate all that kind of shit. So it's like, was there any cheaters in your family? No, but my parents were like, like weird loners. I've always been a weird loner, they're weird loners. They got divorced or what?

They were never married. Oh, they were never married, okay. Never married, split up when I was a baby. Or a randabaster. Yeah. They were never married. Oh, they were never married. Okay. Never married split up when I was a baby and a bastard That's where the devil tried to drag her back to hell Just so everybody knows, don't go near this guy. Yeah, danger. Oh, interesting.

That is fascinating. My parents were both serial cheaters and now I'm a simple little bitch. Right. I think it's like, yes, you may be recreate patterns, but you also, but to me, the pattern that I'm recreating is I, my dad, I remember my dad teaching me when I was really little that the most powerful,

my dad was a lawyer and he said the most powerful position in any negotiation is the total willingness to walk away at any moment. Like anytime you have to be willing to walk away until the ink is dry on the contract. And when I look back and was like, oh he taught me that when I was like little, little, little kid, like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That is true. And it's true. And it's 100% true in negotiation. But it's also like, I learned like, protect myself at all, like always be okay with the bottom falling out at any fucking moment. Eye on the exits all the time. Have a trapdoor every single moment. Never be afraid to walk away if you feel the heat around the corner

Yes, Robert De Niro heat Your trapdoor is just dicks My trapdoor is I can't you can break up with me. Yes tomorrow, and I'm fine Oh Yes, she's good. Tomorrow and I'm fine. If the guy you're dating now broke up with you tomorrow. Oh, devastated. Oh. And that's good. And it's because I'm like, I'm better. But also that's because we're like, he's like, I wanna know,

if you flirt with somebody, please tell me. I would, and then I'm like, I flirted with somebody and I didn't tell him and I felt guilty for the first time in my fucking life. And it's like, oh, I just needed somebody to be like, yeah, I want to know. To hold basic standards. To hold you to basic standards? Not only to hold me, no, but's like, oh, I just needed somebody to be like, yeah, I want to know. To hold basic standards, hold you to basic standards?

Not only to hold me, no, but to like, I mean, because- But wouldn't the other guys want to know what are you talking about? No. But they wouldn't want you to do it. They wouldn't want you to do it, but they wouldn't want to know.

He says, I don't mind if you flirt with people, but tell me. Yeah. Oh, okay. So he's okay with you flirting with people. And that he's like, if you did something more, I don't want that, that's not in our agreement, but like, would much rather know more, I don't want that, that's not in our agreement, but like would much rather know that you crossed the line than not.

So every time you call him, he just has to be prepared for it to be like, I flirted with somebody. He does sometimes, he's like, have you cheated on me? And the thing is that I'm a terrible liar. I'm good at obfuscating, I'm good at like, around the corner. But I'm a dog shit straight liar.

And I hate to keep secrets. I hate, I truly, around the corner. But I'm a dog shit straight liar. And I hate to keep secrets. I hate, I truly, truly, truly, it's funny that I picked the thing, but that's why I've always told people that I cheat. Cause I'm bad at keeping secrets. Right, right, right. Interesting. And so if people would just have been asking ever,

I would have been caught the whole time. It's not that though, because you clearly have picked a guy who, it's not that he wants to know, it's that you're not operating from that position of power that your dad told you. That's the difference here. It's there's no other, it's not a communication thing. Those guys, technically they wouldn't want to know,

but yes, they just wouldn't, they wanted you to not do it. It's not that they didn't want to know. You know what I mean? Like, and I feel like it's the same thing with this guy. It's not like- But they were just like, please, please, please, please, and I feel like it's the same thing with this guy. It's not like- But they were just like, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Right, right, right, right.

Well, this guy's like, tell me and then I will act accordingly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not like he's like, yeah, go fuck whoever. It's not like he's some weird open guy. It's that like, you know, you just happened to respect this person. Yeah, I think I found somebody. A friend of mine was like, you found somebody

who you really like in a way that in the past what I have liked about, and also this is not to denigrate like every ex I've ever had because I've dated some wonderful people. There was some wonderful ugly people. Some comics that my watch is posh. We know what you're saying. We know what you're saying.

But I, no, he won't, but his friends might. But no, no, no, but like, but that I, in the past in so many, that was the one, that was the closest, the one comic is the closest that I've ever had to a healthy relationship before this. But the, what I have liked about people I have dated is that is how much they liked me. I hate that I am this person, I know I'm this person.

I've been in so many relationships where I've heard them be like, I do love that you love me. That's this person. I know I'm this person. I've been in so many other relationships where I've heard them be like, I do love that you love me. That's so crazy. I know. It's crazy that they would say that to you. I would never say that to somebody. I would lie to their face. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But then it's like when the only metric is I want to be likable, then I lose all of my own. Like there's no other, there's no do I actually like this person because what I like is that they like me and I'm just forming myself into a thing that they like. So it's just like terrible feedback loop.

You usually don't do that for losers though, that's an interesting, you know, usually. I don't think I have, I don't think that my exes have been like, you know. I don't mean losers, I just mean, I just mean like usually that's behavior she would, like that's usually mean losers that I just mean I just mean like usually that's that's behavior she would like us that's usually the it's just interesting it's it's it I never had enough confidence to think that I could that I

could get somebody I've always picked below my league yeah a loser and then you go fuck people that are outside of that round no no no I never I fucked I I cheated with losers just fair keep it in the family, no, no, I never, I fucked, I cheated with losers, just kidding. Oh, that's fair, keep it in the family. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I don't, I have so few people who I'm like, I can like list the like three people and I don't think I had sex with most of them,

where I'm like, this is crazy that you like me. No, no, no, that's like a- You just venture away from that. I can't even, it's like, it doesn't feel like real. It doesn't feel possible to me. I can't fuck the losers. Maybe you're contaminating. Maybe it has made me feel like oh I could and honestly I think it's I think it's birthmark shit. I think it's that in New York my birthmark isn't weird or is so much less weird than it was in the midway. Yeah, because it's still

weird. Yeah, it is. Don't let it get out. it come on you got one All right, well listen we've got this is this is actually very interesting But I think we've got hopefully eldest you can maybe queue up some cheating questions for us I don't know if you have any I don't god damn it I don't god damn it Jason let's get some adjacent questions going here and anything guys you want to plug before the questions start here We'll plug in the middle of the show Sacramento Boston Appleton Colorado nice bro something else Okay, so a website

Punchup live comm slash Jordan Jensen punch up live nice And go there if it comes out late Feb your website. punchuplive.com.com. Go there. If it comes out late, Feb, I'll be doing this solo show. I'm doing this solo show in Los Angeles February 19th, but this might be out by then and March 4th. A dynasty typewriter. And then in New York,

those dates are still like up in the air. But look for them But look for them and then Vermont comedy club and Atlanta and Asheville nice And that's all on hell. Yeah, Instagram at Chloe bad cliff. There you go. Damn My last name is My last name is Ben. Mine is Jordan Jensen, L.O.L. Stoff. Oh, gals, quiet down again,

for I have something important to tell you and our entire listenership. Chubby's is officially a sponsor of Stoffy's World and I have loved Chubby's for years. I've been a, I've been, I'm drawn to the name of course as a plus-size man. They got stretchy, fun, you know my vibe. You know, I'm fat guy, guy Hawaiian shirt having a good time.

One of the finest proprietors of Fat Guy Fun Time Closest Chubbies. They got four-way stretchable shorts. They got fun prints. You're going to want to check them out. And they're introducing now the two wolves collection I believe. I believe it is the collection. The bunch of wolves. Actually it's not two wolves it's the bunch of wolves collection

and it's an interesting concept here the bunch of wolves because you know it's not every man you would you think there's a two of them fighting you know. One's a fucking bitch, she's a fucking nerd, awkward, doesn't want attention but the other one's fucking awesome. Wearing a leather jacket, doing fucking chin ups, hard under his jeans, and he's smoking a fucking clave cigarette baby, yelling at the first wolf that he should talk to girls more,

and they're fighting about it. And you'd think the cool one would beat up the little nerd, but no, because inside of both of them are two more wolves. And one's a bitch and one's awesome. And their bitch is in cool in different ways. You know, one's a fucking little crypto nerd. He's got it, he had $20 million in pictures of fucking monkey skateboarding and shit like that.

And now he lost it and his bitch left him too. And then inside of him is a guy that actually is fucking that guys. Because he's just a solid the earth guy. Blue collar guy hangs out paces child support gets pussy on the side.

There's a lot of different wolves you guys. It's not just two fucking wolves. Do you get it? Fuck. The binary is restricting. We got it. There's two wolves. One's a badass. There's a lot of different types of wolves. Where you know, inside of us we can be a cool guy we can be the most little dick bastard of all and there's different variations and that's the beauty it all matches together and it makes us you know the fucking alpha that we all are inside of you there are many alphas and there are many bitch ass wolves as well

as well. I fucking love Chubbys man. I literally do brother. You can go to my fucking swimsuit pictures for years. I'm gonna say you might even find a Chubbys 2014 if you scroll all the way back far enough. My first Instagram that got banned that was wearing chubbies. I've been a wolf in many different ways. I've been, when I was smooth and toothless I was a chubby's connoisseur. Now, fat and hairy, a different wolf, I'm still a chubby's connoisseur. I wore them as recently this summer when I went to Greece with Elvis. I wore them to my cousin's wedding, it was a chill wedding. So go into the budget was collection by chubby's chubby's find your inner wolf and put some shorts on and that's how the dot com fucking pussies

alright i'll just hit us with some fucking questions pal dot e uh... uh... what's going on love the show i've been trying to rack my brain thinking though, like what I want to ask you, but this has been heavy on my, on my heart for a while. I'm not sure if I need to go to AA or not.

Um, I don't think non-alcoholics don't think they're alcoholics. And I don't know. Sometimes I'm walking down the street and I feel like I don't have a gunshot. Oh my god, God, like the mental tear remembering some shit that I did and like most recently, like I don't feel like it's ruining my life. I just feel like it's holding me back. And I keep getting like mental tear to this one instance of like, kind of got a little too drunk on some bush light and I, I talked to Dick in the next room up on it

and I took his friend home. Take his friend home? And I don't feel good about it. I'm gonna fall down. We talked about it at home. I'm gonna fall down. Jordan, Karen. You're gonna turn up on the dick?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm kidding me? Yeah, me too. I've made myself feel like I'm using a dick. Jordan's been like, when it comes out, she's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, why isn't this a pussy?

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yeah, I've thrown up at a dick. Keep it going, Eld. I talked to the dick and the mic throughout on it, and then I took it from home.

And I don't feel good about it. I'm in a small town, like Northern Canada, and I feel like I'm too big for this place. You know? Clashing. But you just feel like, hmm, maybe that's not the look I want to go for. Right.

And yeah, I just don't know what to do. I'm like, do I go AA? Like do I need to chill out? Um, but I'm also just having fun. But it's like, it's getting to that point in my life. I'm like, okay, like I need to like simmer and focus on some things. But yeah, if you just have any advice, like I know the answers are within and that kind of thing.

But, um, I figured maybe you could, yeah, you could help me out. But thank you so much, deuces. All right, yeah. So. You guys have any ideas? I have some thoughts, but I'd like to open the floor to you. I always think when people say, should I go to AA, they should have already been in AA.

I mean, that's immediate. It's possible, yeah. Definitely. Why not? Just go check it out. And she said it's weighing heavy on her heart. That's somebody who It's possible. Yeah, definitely. Why not? Just go check it out. And she said it's weighing heavy on her heart. That's somebody who like killed a kid with a car. Okay.

Also the, I'm just having fun, but she's like, sometimes I'm haunted by instances of what I'm doing. Yeah. But I'm just having fun. That doesn't sound that fun. That just doesn't sound fun. Yes, yes, yes.

Also there was a cackle in there that I was like, you need help. When she was like, everything's fine. I was like, okay, you gotta get in. she was like, everything's fine. I was like, OK, you got to give me. I just think that regardless of the alcohol stuff, I mean, that can turn into a very bad habit, a very bad pattern that you got to get on top of, whether it's AA or whether you just manage it.

But it just sounds like she's sad about something that's not alcohol. Like there is something underneath that. But that is also so often like connected, right? Where it's like the substance stuff is like clearly some kind of coping mechanism. And look, she's 26, right? So this is, this is a classic.

Which means she's closer to the trauma than- Yeah, exactly. Then you're- Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like this is a classic age where stuff, it's maybe even, I would say a little early, but like there is always that like, you know, until you're basically, you know, 17 to 24 is pure party time.

There's no like, maybe even 23, like 24 easy. 11. Yeah. Like she's exiting. this is the very, this is the early onset of like, oh fuck, the way you can't really behave the way you behave from 18 to 23, 24 the rest of your life. And it feels like it's just starting to dawn on her.

Like this is, 25, 26 is when the first batch of alcoholics reveal themselves, right? The ones that just keep going hard like it's college, you know, like, and it's like- If you wake, this is how I do with food, because I'm a food addict, if you wake up in the morning and you're like, what am I gonna, well for me, it's like, am I gonna eat, what am I gonna eat,

how am I gonna eat, how much am I gonna eat? If you wake up and you're like, is today gonna be a drinking day or not a drinking day? And do I get two? Do I get two? Yeah, then you're an addict. Clay wakes up drinking day or not? And do I get to? Yeah, then you're in it. Chloe wakes up, am I gonna cheat? Who am I gonna fuck? Who am I gonna cheat?

We've all got our addiction. If I've already done it, then I'm gonna do it. I broke one. That's so true about the food. I never thought about that. I do that every... The days that are fucked up are the days where today I was like what kind of bagel should I... I mean I'm working all day. mean I should get a bagel you know and then I have to

order something I'm trying to cook. I'm thinking about food 100% of the time. 100% of the time. But when I'm when it's health like when I'm like actually planning my meals and shit and act like I don't think that way cuz it's just like oh yeah just yeah it's within the flow of things. Totally. But it's so hard to fucking suck dick I hate it. Who plants it? Do you plant it? When I do yeah it's so hard it fucking sucks dick. I hate it. How's it do you plan it when when I do? Yeah, it's me Do you order? Do you get no I just like like I'm when I like I'm going back to Baltimore and just like just I want to cook my own shit again Just to kind of

feel like what actual food is and do it myself for a while and then like I might do some meal delivery stuff I might do like some meal prep stuff, but. I'm thinking about doing meal prep stuff. I wanna just do it become like a machine where I'm like you're only allowed to have diesel 89. Yeah, yeah, but see that's the problem. That's not healthy. That's not sustainable in the long term either. That's also disordered eating.

Well, how am I supposed to get, how are you supposed, you gotta choose one or the other. If you're broken. I just have to wait until I'm, to me it's if I eat before I'm hungry then I'm the rest of the day is fucked Then I'm like great. I can just keep eating when I'm not hungry. I can try myself It's a big game that I'm hungry. I can feel a feeling in my stomach That's excitement over food and be like is that oh man

But I'm saying like I know that that's not yeah. Yeah. I'm like It would be really fun to stick my hand into this big gallon bag of like little heaf bits right now and just sort of eat them like that. I don't even talk about that. What are you doing? Can I see that real quick? Yeah.

Can we use that for reference? Yeah. Anyway, I've been looking within a window and binging the whole window, going is that healthier? No, no Okay, yeah, but it allows me to binge eat and then I just cut it off I fucking love you get the pain. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah feels good. Yeah Yeah, but this the thing that made me think say about her like yes There's the like party habits and what did you know like and now you're at the age where you're realizing like yes and patterns that I can't do but it's when

she was like I feel like I'm too big for this place that says to me like oh the person that you want to be is not the person you are for sure and separate from party habits also if you're getting wasted on Bud Light That's tough. That's like a lot of us a lot of us especially if you do it all the time because your tolerance is pretty high Which means yeah, yeah, yeah Shane drinks like 40 beers Yeah, like he's just to get a buzz going because he just he can drink as many light beers as you want And if she's in that realm, that's tough for a 26 year old

But fun realm that's fun But that's the thing, it's like, also she's young enough where she wants to leave where she is. And I mean, look, it does feel like you have some kind of problem with alcohol. It does feel like it's something that you need to examine, maybe go to A. I don't know, maybe, I don't know if there's other programs or books and shit that you can read, I'm not sure, you know, maybe, I don't know if there's other like programs or books and shit that you can read I'm not sure, but yes, it does feel like you're having enough of a problem where why don't you just do it? Why don't you just try? Just go on AA Zoom. That's the move. That's what I tell my alcoholic friends to do. AA Zoom, turn the camera off, turn the microphone off, just listen, helps.

I didn't know about, I guess they started those because of the pandemic. I go to SLAA Zoom. SLAA is... Sex and Lovatics. Oh. She should come with me. I didn't know about, I guess they started those because of the pandemic. I go to SLAA Zoom. SLAA is? Sex and Love Attics. She should come with me. You think that's what you are? Well, I couldn't quit that relationship where he broke up with me once a week, remember? So then I started going to SLAA.

And that helps? Yeah. Really interesting. Yeah, cause you have to report to your sponsor. Like, I found his hat and I sniffed it and I had to call my sponsor. I sniffed. I sniffed.

And she was like, what do you mean you sniffed? And I was like, I found a hat and I sniffed it. And she was like my sponsor. I sniffed, I sniffed. And she was like, what do you mean you sniffed? And I was like, I found it out and I sniffed it. And she was like, that's okay, that's all right. Just get rid of that. That's more weird than a problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You actually might not want to tell me this. Yeah.

She's like, you might want to call your ex actually. Yeah. Cause then he'll never get back together with you. Right, if you remind him how annoying you are. He'll continue to. You might solve your own problem. So yeah, I mean, I think it's worth you at least experimenting with it and like try staying a little sober, you know, whatever.

Who amongst us hasn't thrown up on a dick and then sucked that dick's friend off? Brought a different guy home. I'm just saying like try, if it's not AA, do therapy because there's something on your knees. Ask like, what do you want to be? Right, right, right. What'd you say?

I said keep drinking, quit dick. Not everyone's a closeted homosexual, Jordan. It's not everyone's solution. Keep barfing on them then. Also, you stick a dick in your mouth, you barf sometimes I think it's not really the barf it's the sucking in the bathroom and then fucking a different guy same night and not just a different guy but like relate their friends you know. Hooking up with two people one night that's cool in my book. Two friends that is straight you know that gets

back to them it's weird you know whatever. It's stirring the turd. Yeah yeah so but yes I think you're right Chloe where it's like you gotta figure some stuff out it feels like you want to move out of your small northern Canada fucking town that's one thing and like you know the clock is kind of ticking I mean you're not old but like that's 26 is right around the time I moved to New York, but I had been kind of setting things up for what you gotta save.

Like leaving a small town, you gotta save some money, you gotta have a plan. So it's like, you, our friend here, she definitely has some, you have some stuff you wanna do, and it seems like you're drinking, probably is getting in the way, but you definitely should be working in yourself

one way or the other It's okay to get you know, it's it's fun. It is fun to just be aimless for a while, but I Think what she's feeling is the begin the the tendrils of realization are starting to get to her Yeah, doesn't you know I'm not feeling fulfilled Yes, I'm not feeling satisfied. Yeah, and then if you that and and I just keep harping on the same thing But to me it's like way beyond the drinking the lack of fulfillment is the thing that's gonna keep the drinking going Yeah, it's gonna keep any other status like dissatisfaction going like that if you're not you know it Yeah, there's not in Canada. What is this? Yeah, come on, you can't be in fucking Saskatchewan or whatever the fuck.

So yeah, deal with your shit. Go to a meeting, it doesn't mean that you're doomed to never drink again, you're just feeling it out. Meetings are fun, you meet people, you can meet a dick to suck, who knows? That's not her problem, she seems like she's doing fine in that department. But yeah, good luck pal, Work on yourself a little bit.

Think about what we said here and you know whatever makes the most sense for you as a starting point. You can probably attack the problem for a couple different angles. Big Eldie, what else? Hey, Stav and Elvis. I got an issue I could really use to help on. So I have a fiance now, we just got engaged. Madly in love. Really like everything is really good. But the one problem we have is I have a coworker who I admitted to my girlfriend. I'll admit that I've been to her but I thought that my

Co-worker was cute after being pressed. I think I was acting a little weird about it And For us just won't let it go. I mean I was like, oh, oh, but you think she looked nice today But do you think she's hot and he's like, uh, I mean she's just I don't you know what I but no, no I mean she looked nice, but was she hot or she what cute at least would you say she's I don't know I mean, I can't come on. She's cute, right? I mean, I guess you fucking piece of shit like it's so clearly that situation. Oh, that's so funny and to me I'm the exact opposite. I'm like no, it's so clearly that he really to me

This is hip. He's minimizing how he like I don't think a fiance This is this is I'm on the like believe women. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think a fiance gives a shit about the co-worker if the Man isn't giving the woman a reason right to be suspicious. No, I've accused, accused. Bro, I've accused. I find out that the guy I'm dating works with a woman and every relationship I've been in, I've been like, you're fucking her. And they're like, she's 65.

65, and I'm like, you're bang. You know, listen to how he, when he was like, I look and I admitted it to my he wasn't like he wasn't like yeah There's a lady I work with and sure she looks fine, but my fucking crazy ass girlfriend is obsessed with her I just wonder he was like I'll admit it Where does it come up here, but where does it that seems insane to me? I'm up that he like talks about her every day, you know that he's like She's like how was working. He was like, oh well me and Laura had a

It's not this thing like this I was saying that the lady's crazy. I think it was a little mix of both. I you know actually Earlier I Think what happened? No, no, here's what I do think. I think you're right in that he led a little sum too much slip that then caused the like, sure, oh, is she cute, you know what I mean?

Like, yes, yes, yes. And it's very possible that she then can't let it draw. I can just see an idiot like this getting himself into, like, putting, just arguing himself into a corner where he has to admit, you never want to admit someone's, anytime that's the question is like, well, is she hot? You're fucked. Like what if that's being asked?

If you've said enough that the issue hot is critical information in this situation. And that she's not, that she has a warrant for that question. If you've said enough for her to actually be able to ask that, you've made a fucking mistake to get yourself in that thing. That's why me and Jack broke up though, that was the last straw was I was like, do you think she's hot?

And he was like, I'm not gonna talk shit about her. And then he said, she's too skinny. And I threw a bottle. I threw a bottle because I was like, oh, she is her pussy too tight. I'm your pussy too tight I Got so mad and I threw the bottle and I think that yeah, and we were and we were like we yeah Yeah, you're Jordan's insecurities come out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That is the toughest one

That's the toughest one to throw at you is too skinny That's not true this people are too skinny, but you just I'll fuck it. That's not true. Two skits people are too skinny, but you just You will never fuck a two-factor girl, but you will fuck a two-skitty girl admit it Not necessarily First of all, I've like plenty of fat girls, okay? And I but I will say there is definitely a person who can be too skinny What are you talking about? But the barometer is way higher like they have to be way too skinny Whereas they only have to be a little bit

It's also just that I don't know really about that. Yeah, I think you're actually not giving fat people enough credit in terms of How many people want to fuck them who wants to fuck them people want to fuck fat people? Yes, Jordan just goes who wants to fuck like you have bought you have body dysmorphia People fuck fat girls, but they don't respect it. It's like, don't get me wrong. They don't like it. They don't treat them nicely. But I think they don't treat them nicely

because of societal shit, not because of the one-on-one interactions. But the societal shit is also why the She's Too Skinny is the most painful thing for us to hear. It doesn't matter. It's totally, it's completely a- For Jordan specifically. For me too, I mean it's the same thing.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, she's too skinny would be the absolute worst thing to hear. Because it's, and I know that I'm saying that as a person who now I think people would describe me as skinny and it's crazy because it's not how I feel, it's not how I see myself. And so I've stuck my hand in a gallon bag of Heath bits for the last 48 hours. I mean myself sick on this. We keep mentioning those and I would really like to see, I just want to double down that

I don't believe you if you have it, can I see it right now? I will. I'll send you a picture of it from home. I eat it up from one of my three groups. Yeah, hell yeah. From an at home baker got a bunch of like of a, and she sent me home with a, yeah, no, no, I like, I biked to. Oh, you don't have it here, well.

Podcast is over. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Wait, wait, wait, we haven't even finished, let's finish the question actually. Because we paused 40 seconds in, I was just gonna do a little act out, but I would actually like to see what he has to say. Go ahead, Eldis. Here, thanks for your interview. Oh, you were never something that meant anything. I think the reason I was acting weird about it is because I've been one herd of feel weird, but I wear my emotions on my shoulder, um, actually whatever you say. Um, and now it's been months and months we're engaged now. Like we were talking about buying a house, buying a family, but

every time I'm out with my coworkers, which is rarely, frankly, because like I want to hang out with my friends, love my coworkers, good people, but we don't hang out like that once in a while we go out every time we're out Feel like she's got me really Piley held Like Doesn't even cross my mind Like just one of fucking but it makes her feel she gets this real jealous feeling and I don't know how to convince her to trust me on that

she trusts me and everything we've talked about it she says she trusts me but when it comes to this one co-worker who oh yeah she's cute like no doubt everyone works with someone that's cute. I Yeah, but there's nothing else there And I just can't kind of get over that hill even after being engaged Sorry, I'm rambling a little bit could use some help on like how do I talk to her about this and like get us over this Where I can just go out with my co-workers Do I really love in the door like I you know, I supervise most of them and Looking over my shoulder or feeling guilty

To me to meet the thing with this is that this is We got it. Yeah. There's a gap between how he's describing It and her reaction and maybe his fiance is a psycho jealous asshole. Yeah, but also maybe He that she the reason that she's jealous about only this one person and that it doesn't sound like she has problems with everything else, is that like, there is some gap there that he's not being honest with us about it in his voicemail. Definitely, and I say this all the time to people.

It's like, we are your defense attorneys. You have to tell us everything. We can then help you lie, but we need the full story. And here's what I think this is. I think this guy Legitimately does not want to cheat on his But I think he does he probably would jerk off to his co-worker Like I think that's that's where we're at here That's like he I think what happened is he did weirdly let it slip in a weird way that he does find her attractive

Yeah, but it's like natural shit. And that's why I think that initial like, I guarantee you they got caught up in one of those weird little whirlwinds where it was just he shouldn't have said shit and now it's become a thing. But also the problem is that the more you minimize, the worse it looks because the woman knows,

the fiance knows that something's not matching. It's a classic like the reverse of this in genders is when women are like everything's fine, nothing's wrong. And the man is like, no, I know something's not matching. It's a classic, like the reverse of this in genders is when women are like everything's fine, nothing's wrong and the man is like, no I know something's wrong and you're not telling me. And so then it just goes over and over. I think this is a retard. I think this guy's just a dumb, this guy,

I've dated this guy, he's just a dumb sweetie pie who was like, yeah we got a new coworker and you know, Richard Rousseau, I think he was hitting on her and then the girl was like me and she went, why was he hitting on her? Is she hot? And he goes, oh, no, she's cute. And now he's fucked for life because he's dating somebody

like me. And what he has to do is be like, you have to man up and you have to be like, we are not going to talk anymore about this woman because you are making this weird. And that is the end of it. And then she'll blow you. If it's you, if the fiance is you, then shut it down or else we just keep fucking psyching.

This guy doesn't have that in him. You gotta do it, then you gotta be a man. But you're gonna buy a house, pussy. Go ahead, if that's you, now she's you. But if it's the other one, then the problem is that that like the more you minimize If anything comes out that it's a little bit more than what you've set represented Yes, yes, then it's this terrible drip feed of like well

If it wasn't as small if it was a little bit more than what you represented as first then It's probably a little bit more than that then it's probably a little bit So you got a so to me, you gotta man up and say this is the full story, which is, I know I never wanna cheat on you, I've never wanna fuck this person, but yes, I jerked off to her in the shower. You don't tell her that, you don't tell her.

But you say I find her, but yes, she's attractive. But it's, yeah, yeah. That's it, that's the whole thing. I recognize somebody who's attractive, that's it. I love you more than, whatever, whatever. Have the conversation, but yes. But then you have to end it because she's just gonna keep spinning it.

You have to be like, if you say one more thing about this, I'll beat your ass. Back of your hand and hold. Yeah. How do we take this? Yeah, Jordan, you're right. You gotta cut it off.

You have to threaten to hit your fiance Jordan Jensen. Yep. Yeah But yes, I I think there you I know what you hear it in his voice like he's rambling so much He's just like he's nervous. He's so exasperated He can't fucking like it's he's questioning him. It doesn't end and he can't say the right thing right there's no right There's no you're right. You're right. So he's got a but I gotta be like he's got to be like like what Jordan saying like if it comes up against like yes she's cute whatever I don't want to talk about this anymore yeah there's nothing there I'm not gonna cheat on you yeah yeah maybe if that's all it is, I just don't think that that's all it is. Okay, that's fair. We don't know

I don't think that he wants to cheat I agree that he does he sounds like he doesn't want to do anything with this person There's I think I don't I don't think it's just like oh, yeah one time She wore a tight shirt and I noticed and then my life moved on like I would guess that they have chemistry I think that's what I think that's what'm, when I'm saying like there's a gap between what is actually going on versus how he's describing it and that that gap is what's freaking out the fiance, I would guess that the gap is the two of them

actually actively have chemistry. And that the fiance can tell that, and that he could be like, we have chemistry and nothing is ever gonna happen. That's certainly a scenario, definitely. I would kill myself if somebody said I have chemistry and nothing is ever gonna that's certainly a scenario definitely I would kill myself somebody said I have chemistry with this girl chemistry You can't say we have chemistry Everything this is the this is why it works for me

That you would jerk off to him having chemistry with another girl you'd love that I would hate it But then I yeah, but then we would be good I'm dating a loser at this present year. I think it's like, they might have chemistry at the office or whatever the fuck. And you know, that's fine, and they work there, and that's what they do. But I would just tell this guy, like,

just make sure you're not like texting this bitch after hours or something. Yeah, here's the, yeah. Keep a clean slate. Right. Make sure all the evidence holds up. But that's what I'm saying, is that like, if they are doing that, and then that comes out at all if he was like no no no it's nothing

It's nothing let's shut this down and then like one text pops up Then it's yeah, then you're fighting for sure. That's why I'm saying you gotta be you gotta reveal I think you reveal it all and you save you don't have to reveal all that's crazy For something this innocent you definitely don't have to reveal all, that's crazy. No. For something this innocent, you definitely don't have to reveal all. But I'm saying it's innocent. I'm saying like, so you say like, oh yeah, we texted, and if you want me to stop that, that's fine, I'll do that. I see, I see.

It's like, if he really is innocent, then if you have nothing to hide, then. Yeah, I guess, but that's just opening up a more can of worms of like, I just would love to talk to this guy and know if we're even sort of right, because one is the wife's picking up on, fiance's picking up on something

and you just have to nip that in the bud. And the other one is you do have to just be like, can we just sort of fuck off? Yeah, the other one is she's a crazy, she's a, she's a crazy, I could see this, she's like, it's really freaking me out. If she's crazy, absolutely shut it down. And the other thing is either way,

like there's also, you're right about the He's also kind of lying to us because he goes from like you know, I don't even want to see my co-workers So like I would love to hang out like some things off. She's not I don't think she's crazy in this one And I think and I'm not saying I'm not just I think he's a bad communicator I think I actually think there's a piece of information missing that- He's retarded. This is a lying to himself. Yeah, maybe.

He's a stupid guy and the girlfriend is used to having him on a leash because he's an idiot and he's just like, she's cute and now the wife is like, oh my dog is turned to pole and that is pissing her off. So yeah, you just hate women. That's true. I'm a bad woman. I'm this woman.

I've been this woman. I've literally taken underwear that I bought and gone, who's are these? They're mine. I've done that. You're like, who's are these? You know what I get? Who's are these white cotton?

Oh, she's too skinny. God. Who's are these giant underwear? I think this is me. I think he said she was skinny. Those are yours. Are you pulling me back? I think that's me. underwear. Yeah so anyway buddy there you go either you think is your wife crazy then say shut up bitch I'm tired of hearing it and if she's not then just

be like look you know whatever I'm done with this. You have to be honest with yourself. You know you're not gonna be honest with her. You do have to be honest with yourself, and also I wish you were more honest with us. And then also like, why do you even wanna hang out with your co- The other thing is, even if your wife is a little too sensed, if there's some middle road here, where we're both kinda right,

and your wife just doesn't like it that much, it's getting fucking happy hour drinks with your co-workers worth pissing your fiance off. Maybe just don't fucking hang out with them. He's their boss. Yeah, like there's stuff going on here. If it was me, honestly, I would probably just have the conversation.

Then also probably see my coworkers less. Like that's the other thing. It's like sometimes, even if it's a kind of like crazy request, but it doesn't really harm you either way, that it's sometimes the easiest things to be like, all right, fuck it, I'm just never talking to this bitch again. You know what I mean? Like sometimes that's totally-

What are you losing by cutting it out? What really is the issue here? So anyway, we offered you three solutions, your choice, dealer's choice, good luck. Some nice eldest. Hey, Stav and Eldest and whoever gets to have on. I love the show, I've been listening to this come town and I've seen you a couple times at Comedy Shows in Texas and it was great.

I just love the show. Anyways, basically, my problem is my boyfriend and I have like a really, really good relationship personally. We're like best friends. As soon as we met, it was like just an instant connection. We moved in after like four months of knowing each other. He really like heavily pursued me we were having like frequent sex in the beginning but after moving in together and like he started a new job basically where he's working like 60 hours a week. We really don't have sex that often. I Have a really high sex drive like I would like to have sex like every day and it seems like now Honestly, like we're having sex It was like once a week and now it's like

The other like main factor is basically we have been doing a lot of cocaine and a lot pretty frequently maybe every other day for the past few months which we know is a huge problem. Anyways when I have to confront him about why we don't have sex as much, he says it's because of that. What the fuck are you fucking with me? It's fucked up! You- you- you move in with me and you fuck me all the time in the first four months and now I don't get any fucking dick ever at all because you work

because you buy me- you fucking get my rent and you fucking buy me all this fucking cocaine you're a fucking piece of shit! That's how that's going. She's on a date like this. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I'm just dryly sucking his dick. Anyway, finish it. I like it. It's just like we do cocaine every other day. Right, right, right. I'm sure it's not every day. I can't wait to answer this, but finish it. Let's give her the whole. I don't know why we don't have sex as much.

He says it's because of how much cocaine we do. He says it just kind of kills its sex drive. And I guess I'm just wanting to know like the all things that's bullshit like that's just an excuse I mean holy shit tell me your thoughts my thought is that cocaine doesn't really kill my sex drive like I'm still ready to go like the next day or whenever so it's just kind of awesome. No, makes me think and it makes me think that I'm ugly.

Oh, be quite honest. Are you? Come on. Let me know what y'all think. All right. Also, what a crazy what a crazy leap. You you you weren't ugly when he was fucking you every day for the first four months. You don't look different. Yeah, what is something going on?

It's making you paranoid? I mean, look at that possibly be. I mean, this is fucking insane. This is, like, before the cocaine revelation, this was still kind of crazy where it's like, look. Dude, this happened to me. He's working six years. I dated a coke dealer.

I dated a coke dealer and we did so much flow and I was like, you stopped wanting to have sex with me. I dated a Coke dealer. I dated a Coke dealer and we did so much flow and I was like, you stopped wanting to have sex with me. And he was like, yeah, my dick doesn't work cause I'm on so much Coke. And I was like, I think it's cause I'm ugly. And he was like, no, I don't have any feeling in my cock. Yeah, yeah. It's definitely, I mean, look, the other thing is like

for like men, your dick literally won't get hard. It won't get hard. It just won't. And then also all the next day, you're just royally hung over. Yeah, it sucks. You're just brutal. I mean, I can't think of a situation

that would make me wanna fuck less than 60 hours of work a week and all my free time I'm doing cocaine. That's not. You're probably doing cocaine while working too. Yeah, there's no like, I would, that sucks. That's not a good setup. And also like, I mean, take the coke...

Why are you doing so much cocaine? You gotta stop doing this much cocaine. That's number one. And none of us are brews here. You know what I mean? Like none of us are anti-cocaine or fucking or anything, but what you're doing is crazy. I think you're ugly and you gotta get out of this relationship. Whatever stops you to coke.

More cocaine, lose some fucking weight. Right Jordan, she's probably too fat. No, what I'm saying is whatever breaks them up because this is bad. Yeah, this situation is really really bad. It is weird for sure. Why are you doing so much coke together? Just hang out.

Maybe you don't like each other. Every time I've done coke with a guy, it's because I hated him and I needed coke to make it fun. That's crazy. Hating someone and doing coke is just crazy time I've done Coke with a guy, it's because I hated him and I needed Coke to make it fun. That's crazy. Hating someone and doing Coke's. Oh, I've done that so much. Although I'm not a big, to be fair, to be honest, I'm not a huge Coke guy.

I just don't think it's, I don't think it's that good. With that suit? That's a Coke suit. I know, I know, I know. I'm much more of a... He's like a dealer who doesn't do his own stuff. You know, doesn't get high on his own supply. You give the Coke to girls while they suck your dick.

That seems cool. Yeah, I could do that, no problem. Actually, yeah. They get all chattery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You give the Coke to girls while they suck your dick. That seems cool. Yeah, I could do that. No problem. Actually, yeah. They get all chattery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, never mind. I don't want to. But yes, so I mean, there's a couple things here. The non-cocaine reading of this is, OK,

there is a honeymoon phase in the relationship. And then if somebody is working 60 hours a week, and, oh, by the way, do you have a job? Did she say it was a new job? Yeah, he's just starting a new job that's clearly, like, stressful. Yeah. And then it's like, what are you fucking doing?

Where it's like, you don't have a job, you don't have shit to do, you just do cocaine all the time? If you don't have a job, all you do is cocaine, you're not ugly. Let me tell you that much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nobody supports an ugly bitch. Nobody works 60 hours a week to let some ugly bitch do cocaine all day. You're hot. Let's take that out of the way. That's

not what it is. Yeah, the ugly thing is crazy. Yeah, I mean, that's, again, she's drug-addled and a woman in America, right? Like, you're gonna be self-conscious. But like, the cocaine, you gotta get that out. Even without the cocaine, this kinda makes a little sense. You add the cocaine to it. And it's like, yeah.

Also if she's like, I can do coke and then the next day still be horny, but she doesn't have a 60 hour a week job. It doesn't sound like, and so he's doing the coke and then the next day has to go be a lawyer or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love to know which job it is. Also she's probably validating her bad night So he's doing the coke and then the next day has to go be a lawyer or whatever. Yeah, yeah, I love the way he's job is.

Also, she's probably validating her bad night by being like, well, at least my boyfriend still loves me, but he's waking up validating his bad, you know what I mean? He's waking up being like, my life is horrible and this bitch wants to suck my dick and I'm not a real man. Or it's like all she has is the relationship outside of her constant drug use and what he has to validate him is his, it might be stressful, but it also could be like a high power job, right?

Like it could be like a, he could be making enough money and this is how he feel, that's the important thing to him. So it's like on the, on the totem pole of what matters to him, it's like job cocaine. I think if the job is really that important to you, you don't do that much cocaine. Maybe he's a Wolf of Wall Street guy. Maybe he's like a fucking weird day trader or something.

I don't know, but yeah, I mean, whatever it is, we certainly don't have enough info. But the thing is actually, we have all the info we need, right, like, yes, 60 hours a week and constant cocaine will not make you wanna fuck. So weirdly, we do have enough information, but we don't actually have enough to know exactly what's going on here

So I would actually love can we contact her and see if we can talk to her on a live show because I need to know more about this But for now this is all we can tell you my friend that yes his reaction is normal But the circumstances are so fucked. I guess my question would be like what happens if you go a week without doing coke Yeah, like what's your reaction to that would hurt would she be like no no no I can't do that I can't do I'm doing every day. It is hard to say that's what I'm saying. I'm saying like that's like trash is bad Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that's the They wouldn't date they don't like each other probably. Who knows? I mean, two seconds you get off work,

you're doing a bunch of lines. You already told already. But yeah, when did you start the cocaine? Was that during those, like is that a constant in the relationship? I don't know. Also they moved in after knowing each other for four months. So they make rash decisions.

Well, coke is like an oval team for relationships. It pumps things for, you know what I mean? You just, it really boosts it That makes sense, but anyway, we don't know enough. Sorry. Sorry pal. Stop doing so much cocaine What else we got big LD? Oh Hey, stop a guest big fan of the show I'll get right to it. Thanks, man. I Have been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now. Okay great lover

But I have one problem She doesn't shave her butthole she shaves her pussy and that's great but I Don't know. I'm trying to get over it. I did well, but I tried to get just a turnoff man. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do stuff I'm like painted at it at dinner once with dinner man. That was that was weird Yeah, you know, she like like a joke how's the steak? I don't do it because it itches itches? yeah it's a nightmare

seems tough fair but I don't know man I just want to see like a clean butthole like a nice shading butthole and I'm not getting that right now and it's making it's making backshots harder

Give me your advice man I would love better way to get hit that yes Yes, I would hate Hated over first first be about buttholes be about butt holes, so yeah, shoot away, thank you. Oh yeah, why don't you shoot away, fat shot guy? You can still fucking come with a normal butt. To his girlfriend, leave this man, please for the love of God, get out of this relationship.

Hey, oh come on, let's not get rash here. Just stop watching porn, that's all Let's not get rash here watching porn That's all you have to do Yeah, you're fine just think about the fact that you get to you get to come into her ass and you want more I don't think he's fucking around. I think he's just fucking her pussy. I would just like seeing the hair Just from the back visually harder Just close your eyes and picture a bald pussy wait, I mean a bald a bald just grow up Oh, fuck. Get better at your game. Ha ha ha waxing your whole dick and balls and ass and then be like yeah I just think it's better and then if you're willing to go through it both can like yeah

Yeah, like I would love I would love to try it once and I will do it with you in solidarity Yeah, and then watch watch how it feels when it grows back and you have fucking the ingrown hairs and zits in your Crunchy crusty asshole. Yeah fucking dick or what you do if you're really trying to if I'm trying to be a G Mm-hmm watch porn with her Damn, that's an awesome ass. Just illuminate The buttholes because I did watch porn recently and I was like these are pretty pink And it did make me want to bleach my asshole. No, but that's a great asshole Yeah, everybody has a gray ass. I know yeah, but if I don't watch porn, I'm fine

But if I watch porn so this is a good thing so don't also you might be a pedophile think about that I yeah, it's possible. I'm going full Pito on this guy. He might be. And you're the expert on the panel. When it comes to pedophiles. From all the pedophiles I've met, they love a nice pink butthole. As soon as it gets gray, they leave you. It is good that we got this question with two female guests, because you see the actual answer.

And I will say, I will, taking will taking a more I would say moderate approach Let's but these we've got Bernie Sanders over here. I'm gonna be Joe Biden about this whole thing I think yeah, dude. It is a thing of like look you can Say hey what you can throw it out there You can throw it out there as a preference, right? You can be like what do you think of this, right? And if she just says no then that's it. That's really the conversation You can throw it out there as a preference, right? You can be like, what do you think of this, right? And if she just says no, then that's it. That's really the conversation.

The best maybe you could say is like, I don't know, is like, unless you shave your own ass or something, you could maybe try and, as a special occasion, get a wax going. You know what I mean? Be like, look, I, that's your preference, I get it. Would you do something for me? In terms of like, I let your preference. I get it. Would you do something for me in terms of like, that's the only thing I can think of where

if somebody doesn't want to do that as a, because regular maintenance of a fucking clean asshole. I just guarantee. Is insane. I guarantee she, okay. A, she has already answered the question. She said, I don't because it itches. Yes.

So it's not a ask about it. Like she's already answered the question. Yes, they've had the conversation. I guarantee you she does shit for this guy all the fucking time. I guarantee he does not make her come. Yeah, okay. Or like not consistently.

One of the bus rates, like, that is true. That is actually true. You can't broach the subject until you get an 85% bus rate. Like that's it, that's where it starts. Or ask her, and fine, here's my, I'll be Joe Biden. Please be Joe Biden. Okay, this is the best you're gonna buy. This is the nicest you are gonna get me on this one.

Open the conversation with, hey, is there anything that you would like me to do differently in sex? Okay, that's interesting. Ooh, okay. Manipulator. Open it with you. No!

I'm a master manipulator. No, it's good. It's really good. I mean, fucking hell. And you'll go, yes, please. You're thicket. The thicket needs to go. Oh my God, for the love of God, I'm trying to go against it.

And ask her to be honest? Yeah. And when she's like, oh, I don't know just and when and when she says she's gonna say something Like she's gonna minimize because we have been trained to not ask Yeah, we've been trained that when we do ask and not just train societal we trained experientially We've been trained that when we do ask when we say could you do this thing differently? men wind up interpreting it as I'm being Emasculated I'm being told that like I'm not good at sex

and they get defensive and then they don't do the thing. They usually like react badly. It usually winds up going in the opposite direction. And so we can't ask for whatever the fuck we want. This is the best wild. Everybody's like, wait a minute. You can never be like, well, you go down on me. They're like, I'm not gay.

You know what? What are you talking about? When it's? They're like, I'm not gay When it's like I I mean I'm doing a bit about this right now, but I asked an ex I was like here is the specific motion That will work every fucking time and he said doing that would feel like going to a factory and pulling a lever And that pull the lever The lever don't know, you need to make sure you have a factor. At least you're out of factor. If the lever gives you a million dollars every time, would you pull it? Yeah, pull it, pull it.

But then he's, and that's just pure defensiveness. It's pure ego, but that that is our experience every fucking time. And so if you ask her, if you honestly go in and say, is there anything I could do differently, first of all, she's gonna say, no, no, no, it's great. Then push her, say, no, no, no, let's actually have this honest conversation.

Then she's gonna say something small. That hurts. It'll hurt. It will hurt, you probably heard your feelings. It will hurt your feelings, and so pull your fucking ego out of it. Let's feel that for a second, yeah. And then when she says something small,

then be like, can you give me details? Can you actually like help me change this? Be honest about it. And then if she's like, great, now in the opposite direction, he's like, oh, sure. Honestly, if you can swallow all of that, then I think it's fair. That's a fair trade off.

And I think, and I- But he will, I do not believe that a guy who's like, I don't believe this guy is a girlfriend. I think this guy is like, I'm gonna call Stahl and talk about porn. Well look, we got it. We got up. She's hot. I did well for myself that guy is not ever gonna his he might listen Hopefully that's the that's the beauty of this show We are trying to Anybody who's been like I took your advice in my life. No joke. We get we get like cool calls all the time really people

Like yes, my girlfriend shaved her butthole and it's just what it was. Yeah, this is the most important one. And now I just hitch it for her and it's a win-win. I bought her an asshole scratcher and we're good now. But I think that's good advice. And I think in general that's good advice in a relationship and it trains you to not be so selfish about it because you're right.

He's already brought this up, she's already rebuffed him. She's already given the answer. He knows the answer and he's just asking for permission from a guy who is, he's asking for permission from a stranger and a man. He's like, I don't wanna talk to this woman who I know very well and who I'm intimate with all the time.

Well, she might not be as wise as I am. Yeah. Catching purple outfit. wise as I am But I think that's really good advice actually That's good stuff actually you heard it you heard of my friend. Yeah, and I think that's also true to just like I'm like she should should shave her butt or he'll go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, she should go, go, girl, get out of there, leave him.

And listen, and here's the other thing, that is the reality. If it comes to a head, and it's like you, she is adamantly, does not want to shave her butt, and you adamantly want some of the shaved butt, then yes, you shouldn't be together, because there's people who have clean holes out there. You know, and there's people that- Hey holes out there you know and there's people have

our butt hairs clean we keep it clean yeah yeah that's just a phrase I thought I thought I had a whole wax recently how'd that feel great well they well maybe it's the middle path yeah growing back that's bad the shaving no the waxing growing back was fine really let's go I've had it've had it before. You've had the wax in the butthole? Yeah. Wow, it went great. The wax, because you catch the little... What was the occasion? I was trying to keep somebody from breaking up with me. It didn't work. That's like a crystal ball for this relationship that's calling in.

It really is. It's probably not going to work, but maybe you take close advice. Call me, sir. You got a nice one for us to go out on, Eldis? Anything fun? Every single, every time I'm ever like talking about relationships, whether it's in stand up or it's advice, I just want to be like, I want to say the words leave him

to any woman who's listening. Have you ever left somebody for being bad though? And that if, no. No, the ones, the guys dating her have had to do that. Yeah, and they don't. She's leaving, leave me. I just wish, to me, there's so many women, and I think there's, there's a bunch of men too,

but there's so many women who are like, I just need a sign, just give me a sign. And I'm always like, if I can for one woman, there's thousands and thousands of women listening to this, it doesn't have to be all of them. If for one woman, if you are listening, if you are wondering like, what is the sign? Let me be the sign.

If you are wondering, you are already there. Leave him. It's true. There's probably a lot of dog-share relationships. And in general, I do think there is something. I mean, I feel like the bar is hysterically low. It's just someone who, I like direct. I think that's, hand me the keys to the bust code.

I feel great. Literally just being someone who listens and it's borderline nice. Like it's actually been a problem where it's like just by being kind of nice in a casual thing some women have thought I'm like in love with yeah yeah cuz I'm treating them with basic respect my boyfriend my boyfriend like got me a glass of water I just had that thought right now. I was like, don't let him go, Chloe. Yeah. The bar is so fucking low. It's humiliating. And that's good for, that is the thing that I think

we might be pushing some, knowing that, we can push some of our dumb friends here. It's like, buddy, it's not even that hard. You only have to be sort of better. And that's, we're slowly pushing in the right direction, incrementally, change the system from the inside. We don't need radical, we don't need a revolution. Joe Biden for president.

I'm sexual Joe. He is, Joe Biden is already sexual Joe. He's got that. Well, yeah, damn. You're just regular Joe. I'm just regular Joe. All right, I're just regular Joe All right. I'll just something nice to go out on here, buddy Hello, um, I love your show. I just wanted to say last week. I was hooking up with a guy

We're in a situation ship friends and benefits type situation I don't know. He's cool and stuff, but we live long distance. The issue is, when he was little spoon and I was big spoon, I saw two concerning moles on his back. Is this why you brought this up? I'm wondering, I mean, I should have said something in the moment, and now we haven't seen each other for a week, and we don't even text like that. But I'm just thinking like what if he dies? And I never told him he has two weird molds on his back.

Trauma my uncle died of melanoma. What? So I'm like oh my god. How much was that motherfucker in the sun? Anyway would you just text him out of the blue and be like hey you should get these two molds checked. Or would you like send him out of the blue and be like hey you should get these two moles checked or would you like send him like an anonymous anonymous picture that's so funny I don't even know this is so cute get a burner phone she's so where this goes back to exactly what you're talking about where it's like

she's so nervous to contact him outside of their agreed upon sex arrangement that she's thinking about getting out like. Get rid of your butthole. Yeah. I think you certainly could be like, hey, I just, I saw this thing on the news, or I just saw a picture of Melan or

just something and it reminded me of this. No I think you could just be like hey I might be overreacting here but my uncle died of melanoma and I don't know if those moles are cool. Yeah yeah yeah. I don't think you have to be like I saw something on the news. Right right right I'm just I'm thinking of like a way to just kind of for her to feel less nervous but you're right she shouldn't feel nervous. I just think straightforward is the most is the best way to just kind of, for her to feel less nervous, but you're right, she shouldn't feel nervous. I just think straightforward is the most, wait, is the best way to not feel nervous. It's the hottest way.

Because a lie, a lie about like, I saw something on the news, is more nerve wracking because you're covering up the line. Oh that's true, that is true. Just being like, I might be being crazy here, maybe it's just that a person I really care about died from something. Yeah.

Just pull the OCD card, just always do that, I always do that if something's bothering me. Oh and how successful has that been, Jordan? Listen, I have a dog. Just say I'm really sorry I have an OCD and I'm thinking about it a lot. You have two moles. We're just saying she doesn't need to apologize. She's doing something nice for him too, actually. The other thing is, he's not going to die in the next 10 days before you do see him again. Right, right, right. You could just wait.

I think she should not. It sounds like they're not dating for a reason. I feel like if it was like some chick I was fucking who like sent me a text. Hell dude. I love when you're coming off the top row with your tachies. I'm serious though.

I was just like seeing Casher's like oh you should get the moles on your back checked out. You might have cancer. I'd be like what shuters like oh you should get the moles on your back checked out you might have cancer I'd be like what shut up. I don't care. I know I have moles and like Really and be like stop trying to weasel your way into my life That's not a feeling it would feel like trying to like we like an excuse to like reach out to this guy Is not really like that's not trauma uncles are made to die Uncle Malanoma thing is not really like... That's not trauma. Here's the trauma.

Uncles are made to die. No. Uncles deserve to die. I personally would look at that text and like probably just not even respond to it or just respond some bullshit if I thought maybe I'd want to fuck again. But this guy's like not dating you like he doesn't give a fuck that you think he could have cancer possibly? No, you're right, it's crazy.

Wow, you are right. I completely, I also will say, as the only person here who is an expert on mold, the only thing about the only birthmark reactions that bother me, literally nothing bothers me, you can say the worst shit to me on TikTok comments, insane. I've had the craziest shit said to me to my face. People lick it, kiss it, strangers in bars.

Like, I've had crazy interactions. Like, kiss it, bump it. And they pull it, suck it. And the only thing that bothers me is when somebody comes up and is like, you know, that might be cancer. That is actually the one thing that I am like, oh, you are out of my life forever. And so to me, the question with her is like,

I'm like, girl, are you, like, what did the moles look like? Is it just that they were moles? Or is it like you? Wow, so much mole awareness today. I didn't even think about it yet. Yeah, that's why I have this. That's why you pulled this up. Where I'm like, do you have some kind of background

in dermatology and you actually have a reason? Or is it just that people freak out about moles for no specific reason and you've like decided? This is awesome. Chloe's like, pit bulls are not inherently dangerous dogs. We shouldn't be putting them down. Moles are not necessarily cancerous. What? I'm fine, why do you have? We shouldn't be putting them down. Moles are not necessarily cancerous.

I'm fine, why do you have? Maybe he spent a lifetime trying to love these moles and accept himself for these moles. Maybe he actually cheats a lot because he's been insecure about his back moles forever. And maybe you should just ask him how best to support him, you know? Tell him when you flirt with somebody. All right, so yes, I think that's,

I think probably where we come down on it is, the next time you guys hang out, you can say it in the moment type of thing. But a text, a text two weeks after, does feel a little bit like trying to, it could be construed as like, oh, this girl's trying to claw into my life, trying to be too concerning and caring about me

if you're in a situation ship like this where- And I would rather have somebody die. And then I'm like, yeah. Yeah. Yes, when you're trying to avoid this, because it sounds like he might be- It's also like, what if he dies? What the fuck?

He's not gonna- He's not dying and we're back. Like what is, are you being, are you exaggerating? I don't think you're exaggerating. I think that is actually what you're worried about. He's not gonna. He's not dying of weird back hole. Like what is, are you being, are you exaggerating? I don't think you're exaggerating. I think that is actually what you're worried about. He's not gonna die. Which at that level, that's crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're okay. And maybe if she really dug deep and really thought about it, she probably is trying to do a bit of a bit of like girlfriend behavior here. A little bit with, but she has a clear excuse. Like in her head. You can just text him I want to be your girlfriend just do that. You could do that. I love you. You could do that it might not go the way you want

but it might save you like a couple. You're asking us permission if you can text this guy just text him. No no no we said me. No don't text him about the thing but you know that's what she's doing is basically being like it's been two weeks since we've talked is this a good excuse just say. Well look ultimately what she's doing is basically being like, it's been two weeks since we've talked. Is this a good excuse? Just say. Well look, ultimately if she's not happy with the situation, she should just get out of it. I just think, yeah, she also she described him

as he's cool and stuff, but we live long distance. This is not, the answer is just, this isn't gonna last. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your boyfriend is in Britain or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. That's all right, she doesn't have a history of cheating or anything. She doesn't have a history of cheating.

There's no moles in this situation. So yeah. I'm the one with the mole. I'm the one with the mole. So yeah, good luck. You can say something in person, but you probably shouldn't text them about it. And if you want something more, ask for it or end it.

But this shouldn't be your little way in. But you can, if in person, if you hang out again, you can say something. There you go, pal. Guys, that's gonna do it for us. Thanks for the show was so fun. Thanks for coming on. Go see our friends here live, whether it's

Stand Up, The One Man Show. 29 Man Show. The 29. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's not that bad. 29. He's higher. Yeah.

Yeah, go watch him live. And leave us a nice comment, a review. We've never tried to plug the show on iTunes or anything like that So you know give it a fucking five star and we will talk to you guys next time. Bye. Bye