Stavvy's World - #67 - Dan St. Germain

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

Dan St. Germain joins the pod to discuss sobriety, rehab, getting dressed as a ballerina by his grandparents, Rami Malek, his playwright father, his complicated relationship with his mom, the KFC Double Down, and much more. Dan and Stav help callers including a guy who's wondering if he should ask his friend's sister on a date, and a guy whose family hates his girlfriend after she called CPS on his sister. Grow your business right now at Shopify -- no matter what stage you're in. Sign up for a $1/month trial at https://www.shopify.com/stavvy Murder your thirst with Liquid Death! Visit https://www.LiquidDeath.com/STAVVY to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. Check out Dan St. Germain's special "Dance Fatty, Dance": https://800poundgorillamedia.com/products/dance-fatty-dance  See Dan St. Germain live and check out his comedy at: https://danstgermain.net/ Follow Dan St. Germain on social media: https://twitter.com/DSGermain https://www.facebook.com/Danstgermaincomic/ https://www.instagram.com/danst.germain/ https://www.youtube.com/@danstgermain Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Welcome everyone to Stavis Bro. We have a great episode for you with the very funny Dan Saint Germain. But before we start, we wanted to thank our presenting sponsors here. We use Shopify. We love Shopify. We use it for our merch store, our online merch. And if you have a business here trying to get off the ground, we think you should use Shopify too.

Sign up for $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Stavi. All lowercase go to Shopify.com slash Stavi now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in. Shopify.com slash Stavi. Oh and I love that little chiching sound almost as much as I love this little sound. Oh baby! Maron, that beautiful liquid death. We're happy to have liquid death back as a sponsor. One of our favorite products. We slurp it off all the time here. We buy it ourselves even if they don't provide it for us. That's how much we love the product. Liquid death is actually a beverage brand that makes mountain spring water, low sugar soda, and low sugar ice teas. Those are my

faves. Go to liquiddeath.com slash Stavi to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. That's liquiddeath.com slash Stavi. Liquid Death.com slash Stavi. Eldest, hit the music again. Let's start the show. Opa! Welcome, everybody, to Stavvy's world. 904-800-STOV. Call in. We'll solve your problems. We got Dance Age, Germaine on the couch,

all the way from the different part of Queens to Astoria. We won't dox him. We won't dox him. I waved it in an invisible studio audience. No, they're there, dude. They're in the back. Clearly're going to early signs of dementia Yeah, people understand this eldest has there's 800 people behind elders. That's why the energy of the show is so good We got Dan in here. He's got a new special out right now dance fatty dance

Go go watch it on the tube on the tube on the tube on YouTube right now click out of watch Let what watch a couple more minutes so the view counts Watch for three more minutes and then go to dance special watch the whole thing come back Then we get two views out of the hole keep going back and forth so me and Dan get multiple views If you want to put my own silent while you're watching pornography That's tough though to get even a glimpse of you while they're beating off. It depends on what you're into, but yeah.

Yeah, I'm certainly. I don't know why you defended myself on that. Certainly, there is definitely a demographic. I think if me and you, if life went different, me and you could make a lot of money on a different part of OnlyFans. Oh yeah, just suckin' tennis balls out of each other's ass. You must have gotten a lot of a lot.

I just feel like you're a specific type for, because the beard, the hair, you know, I assume you're a her suit man. Well, before I was married, there was a guy that every four months would just like mention me like, hey man, you want me to suck you off? No, I'm good. But once you got married, he stopped? He was, yeah, he was Catholic. That's awesome.

Some gay guy in your DM's like, well, he's taken now. He's taken now. Every four months, same guy? Same guy, yeah. No, okay, interesting. Yeah, I'm trying to think. You've probably gotten hit on by some bears. Oh, the bear appreciators. Although I I will say one hurt my feelings recently. Yeah, where there was a guy who would harass I just talked about one, you know, and I hadn't really heard from him for years, and you know

I don't really pay attention. I don't check my DMs the way I used to get away from my phone all this shit so in my head, I'm like, well, you know, and I kind of forgot about the guy to be honest with you And and then I posted I think the newest Some naked picture Back in the days where I was posting basically just nude like I actually had people not even know I was a comedian I think there were people like in 2014-2013 who thought I was truly just a nude gay model, like a soft core nude gay model. And back in those days I heard from this, from just some fat, and he's fat as shit too by the way.

Some fat guy from Texas wouldn't fuck him, not because he's fat, just wasn't my, not a cute enough guy either, okay? Let me put that, let me just say right now, not hot enough, even if I was homo sex, to have, for me to fuck him, right? Right, right, no, no Matt Reif this guy. No no no that's not my type either to be honest with you I don't know who would I fuck if I alright let's anyway back let me finish this story then we could talk about our gay fantasies our thinly veiled way to just talk about the stuff we actually want under the guise of comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As Com just slows down our pant lane. We're so hard. You just see a fucking little,

I'm just describing a man's ass and my dick gets hard. Anyway, I put the newest, whatever, some naked picture from the calendar, and a guy, I forgot about this guy, and he just comments publicly, not even a DM. He's like, I missed before I got this fatty era. And he's this gay guy who wanted to fuck me because I was a fat, I'm too fat.

I fatted out of being fetishized by guys who were a fuck fat guys. I have to go, I thought it was like heavyweight. Once you cross over, Elda says the air conditioner running. It's got too hot. Yeah, this is the problem with the room. It was like, oh, we're on morning.

Three fat closeted bears are talking about fucking other bears. Oh man, this whole room could make some money on that sector act. Who am I talking about, dude? Just fucking, just all of us wind up like a snake eating its own tail. God, it's so disgusting.

And I guess to answer the, yeah, so anyway, that guy pissed me off because he's also very fat and not hot. Okay? Now he does, he's a very groomed gay man. Yeah. He's got like the, you know, how Puerto Ricans have their lines very, Oh yeah. That's the thing that kind of crosses over between straight Puerto Ricans and gay, I guess. Puerto Ricans do their beards like a sixth grader thinks a beard should look like. Yeah.

You know, like they're like, I gotta have a Nike swoosh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that is true. That is, yeah, yeah, they had a little. But this guy had kind of like the, such a very gay, like the lines were, they borrowed from the Puerto Rican style, but it's kind of like you've seen that. Like who's that guy who's friends with Young Miami, that gay guy? Anyway, there's some gay, there's some, there's some black gay guy. Tony Kushner?

No. There's some fat gay black guy who has, who has facial hair but is very femme. Anyway, whatever. Fuck that guy for saying I'm too fat for him to fuck. You never could have sucked my cock, pal, okay? Oh shit. You never, even when I wasn't this fat throwing it down I mean that and I suppose if I had to get sucked off by a guy he would have to remind me of a woman to now that I'm real now that I'm all worked up and thinking about it you

would have to be a slight man yeah it's gotta have like, yeah, soft lips. Soft lips. Soft lips. That's the grossest description. Just quivering soft lips. A supple mouth. A supple mouth. A hum mouth hungry. A delicate mouth. With a thirst for my sweat.

A dry tongue that can only be lubricated by my saliva, sweat, and nut. Just that kind of stuff. You know. Mmm. Some of these cooking up a brisket. Anyway, that's a cool introduction for our friend Dan here. And before we even started recording, you were saying, this is very interesting.

You looked at Eldis. You guys haven't met. Yeah. You and Eldis don't know each other. You looked at Eldis, you guys haven't met. Yeah. You and Eldis don't know each other. You looked at Eldis and there was like a look, actually when you walked to the door, there was a weird look in your eye, I'm like, did him and Eldis, what's going on with him and Eldis?

Did they kiss? Yeah. It was like that kind of look. And there was something, I was like, I was like, do they know each other? There's a look of like when you like someone or when you have beef and we had a look of like, I remember you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. From oceans of time ago. And hundreds of years. like when you like someone or when you have like 22 and I see I was like bored and I was singing that five for fighting Superman song I think of course I go I'm not I'm just here to find and another bearded fat guy walks out of the bathroom goes the better part of me I mean, I sang it together and then she didn't say anything else. Oh wow, that's so intimate. But that was kind of like the look. Yeah, it looks like my father. That's so interesting.

Yeah. I feel like we're both looking at each other and see your father somehow. I don't even know what he looks like, but... You don't look like Eldis' father, but I also feel like, yeah, he has a similar... He sees you as a father figure. Like, we have a look of like a men meeting across the planes and then hugging as the sunlight, cascades in back of us.

Was your dad good or bad? He was a good dad, great dad. He was a good dad, okay. Oh, okay, so he's not a piece of shit. You're filled with adoration for Elders. Nice. Yes, it was a good, it wasn't like you piece of fucking shit. I mean, I mean, like there's, you know,

like we have our issues here and there, but he's good, you know, he's a playwright, he's a very theatrical kind of dad. That is a way your life could have gone for real. Where'd you grow up? North Jersey and Rutherford. Okay, okay, yeah. Elders could have a little,

Elders could 100% be some weird suburban, like Midwestern, whatever, like drama teacher. You 100% could some weird suburban like Midwestern, whatever like drama teacher. You 100% could go that route. Where he just talks about, oh yes, I used to live in Brooklyn. He's the coolest guy in the town just by virtue of having been in New York for a decade. That's interesting, playwright, huh?

So there's always art and shit in your house. There's like plays everywhere. Like I read a ton of plays growing up. And yeah, I can't fight. Yeah. That's the spoiler alert. Like my dad was like, this is how emotional. Like my dad never hit me.

But like one time my dad like, while he was fighting with me, he like grazed my hand and I go like, you hit me. You know, he's like, oh, shitty little kid. Like you hit me. And he goes, that's not hitting. and he slaps himself across the face and it's like glasses go across the room And he's like that's hitting And I'm like I want to call CPS just for embarrassing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Can you get a real dad who knows how to throw punch in here?

Theatrical self slap is so funny But I would be like we would go to his play premieres and there would be these old gay guys. It was like, I didn't know they were gay and they would have like ties and they would be like Greco Roman, naked guys wrestling literally on each other and be like, oh, you're so handsome.

And me, because I wasn't getting hit on my girls, I was like, thank you so much. I didn't pick up, I just didn't pick up on it at all. I was just so pumped. That's so funny. Do you have any siblings? Yeah, I have a sister. She's going to school to become a social worker.

Oh, OK. No art for her, huh? Just you're the only good artist in the family. What? I guess. Yeah. The lowest art, the dark art. Yeah, of course.

It's barely an art form. It's barely a, yeah. Definitely, it's up there with, I don't know, like snake charming, I guess. It's barely anything, yes. It's barely an art form. It's barely a, yeah, it's definitely, it's up there with like, I don't know, like snake charming, I guess. It's barely anything, yes. It's barely anything. Yeah, I fully have said over and over again, I'm against the elevation of stand-up comics of like,

I mean, the norm thing of like, we're not modern day philosophers, philosophers are modern day philosophers, like they still exist. But did you do like acting and shit is a little Yeah, I did a lot of acting. Yeah, hell yeah, Joseph the amazing technical dream cup I went to school for there. I went to school acting school with Rami Malik. Oh, okay, you know, it's so funny like you think that like

because I Rami was like walking past the cellar and I was doing a show there and He was like, I'm trying to get in. Can you help me out? And I'm like, yeah, I'll help you out. And then I had him sit down and watch. And then I was like, I sent him a script and I was like, maybe he'll read.

And I'm like, he didn't have, of course, he didn't email back and I'm like, this is what everyone thinks like the big famous people help you out, but it's actually the lower people get them free shit as soon as they become famous. Please, please, Mr. Mallet. Yeah, it's like, I just got him a free ticket.

I got this millionaire free ticket to the comedy show. Well, to be fair, you also went hard PDF immediately. Oh, of course. There was no, like, good to see you, man. Let's get a coffee. It was like, here's my fucking script. Please, I need this. I need this bad, Rami.

You have no idea. Shit's going bad, dude. He's like, this is my eyes. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. I don't care about her. She's just some whore. She's just some whore. Here.

It's about a wrestler. He's going to kill himself if his dad doesn't say he loves him. Hurry up. Just fucking make it. This guy at a comedy. He wants to get at a comedy. He really wants to get at a comedy. He's got a famous friend.

He's got a famous girl helping out. He's got AIDS. He's got AIDS. He's got AIDS. He's got AIDS to get out of comedy. He's got a famous friend who made me that famous girl, helps me out. And he's got eight. Yeah, he's gay. He's gay. He's gay. Well, I know. We need something marketable, Rami. I know. You're gonna say it. He's a retard. He's gay. And he loves, but he loves wrestling and he wants to quit comedy.

I fucking need this. That's fucking awesome dude. What was he like? Rami, I'm still waiting. Rami, come on man. Yeah, yeah. But to be fair, the role I gave him, it was like for a pedophile. Of course he just got done doing Bohemian Rhapsody around a canceled pedophile.

He's like, I'm not gonna go do a role of a pedophile. That was dumb. I opened with him and we go, hey, this Brian Singer, huh? And he goes, he gave me that look like we're not close enough for me to talk about this thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow, a couple of wild swings. Real wild swings. But I respect him, man. A couple of home run swings.

I mean, I treat show business like Gil from The Simpsons. Come on man just give me a shot please. I'm fucking I'm almost on food stamps here. I've been on Fuse. This is a Fuse TV legend you're talking. You have just some words the worst manager in the world. I've headline Dr. Gwynn Graham's wife. Come on. Come on he's been on clip shows with Tonya Harding he's been reacting to viral videos right after Tonya Harding and Danny Bonaducci for Christ's sake give the man a bone Rami Malik I've done short term improv with Joey Butifuco I'm in Providence, Joey Butifuco, please. Hahaha.

Hahaha. Were you guys friends in acting school? Yeah, I mean he was older than me, so we were cool. He did my plays. He did my plays. He did like a reading of it. At this school university of Evansville in Indiana. Evansville, Indiana is like, it's like a depressing place.

It's where like they test out all the new fast food. Like they had like... Oh, they had all the new fast food. Like they had like, Oh, they test the first one. They had like a, like they were on seriously trying to do like a lobster roll and like hardies. I forget what it was, but it was like all this stuff that never worked.

And it was like the highest divorce rate, how high is that? Really? Yeah, it's all flat. It's all just like. Evansville. Yeah. The America's fast food test kitchen.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. They probably got the double down first. It's not all bad Yeah, yeah, well, that's probably got the KFC double down before anybody. You double down guy. I That it was too even for much It was even at the high and when it came out This is what what year did it come out because we definitely had these philosophical discuss me and those have been friends our whole lives Yeah, it was junior or senior year of college. Yes. Yeah, we definitely got one To do it and we were like this is fucked up. We did a group outing of college. Yes. We definitely got one to do it, and we were like, this is fucked up.

We did a group outing of it. We got one. And yeah, even back then, that is just so up our alley. Our names written all over it. Yeah, us at 20, 21. You know what it is? It's just holding meat as a bread. It's too much.

It's too much, man. I need that layer. Like, I need the. And it's like, bread is good. Bread's that layer like I need the and it's like bread is good Bread's not the problem here. No, right? Just give me the same thing with bread. It's my favorite sandwich of all time Probably I was insane man. Oh cuz good. It was it was a yeah Yeah, let's let's go down memory lane to fucking little cutlets. Yeah, and then what was in it bacon? It was oh there it is. Yeah, dude put a biscuit around that and I'm in

KFC you're doing too much the rapper you're like you really feel like dude It's bad when the pool I guess this is the Wikipedia picture, but like it's bad when the picture doesn't look at but That's the KFC wanted it still looks like an abortion. Yeah, it's not it does look like a fuck-up. They had a double-down dog. Oh My god, you hear. You hear that genuine excitement in his voice? As we're shitting on you're like, oh hey they put a hot dog in it. Have you? Yeah it was like my big thing. I was writing on this show uh a superior doughnuts at CBS and at Friday nights I would have like a fast food night. Hell yeah, and I remember like that's a nice little treat So when you have my favorite podcast or all like wrestling your true Listen, and I remember the one time I went to like KFC and I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna get like a

Like one of those it was like just a little wrap or whatever I went around and then I got a text of the girl I was seeing didn't want to see me anymore and I like drove back into the drive-thru like not making a guy like double dip back in and just like not made there like oh if we have my shut the fuck up just get me a bucket give me a bucket the largest bucket you have of chicken please and every side twice that's brutal that's also that little ritual of like I love that hey I have one the cheat day ritual yeah as a fat person it's like oh like you know it's for four four times it's under control and then it starts when that slowly becomes Friday night

becomes well there was some leftovers Saturday morning, I'll have a little bite become just like, I love when that spirals out of control. Cause that's, that's how I'm with weed too. I mean, right now fully, just fully addicted to it again, where I was like, I'll smoke a little bit. The rave, you know, the Ravens lost. I'm sad. I want to sleep.

We went back on the road. Do you use air for the Ravens game? I was, it was horrible. It was one of the worst moments of my life. It was one of the worst moments of my life. Yeah. Where I'm from and have a house. I love the wire.

No, no, I do love Baltimore. I mean, it's just like you love where I at least have the love for the shitty place I'm from. Yeah, yeah. Where I just like feel, I I at least have the love for the shitty place I'm from. You know what I mean? Like where I just like feel, I will feel a connection to it forever. My thing is if my family had left at any point, I might just try to move everybody to New York or something. But they've kind of put down roots there.

So it's like- People there are nice. Yeah, and it's a fucking, whatever. It's a fun little shitty city. But that was fucking, but anyway, that's how I am with weed where it was just like just a little puff and now I am just me and Elvis so fucked up I I'm gonna give myself a week I have a week of podcasting to do where I'm not I can't quit cold turkey the

product might suffer I worry you know I might not be as quick accusing someone of being a pedophile or whatever. You know, that style of comedy we do around here. So, but after that, I am, I am going to fucking, you know, clean my shit up. But that's also, I just quit. But for five years straight, I was just high constantly. Really? Yeah. It was either, I was either doing Xanax or weed and I was like, I'm not drinking.

I love that. Yeah. And I'm like, so I'm sober. I love the only person that seems to work for a soda who does not drink and he is high constantly. You can't tell. He's funny. I will say he's like he he does because I've been on the road with him. He like does weed like rich people do wine where he'll have a little and he'll be and he's like nice and toasty but he'll never get like retired. You know that is true because that is actually true I have gone way

too high but that's because I tried to like I just wasn't on the level of the weed he was smoking like the first person ever showed me a weed pen was Soder when I first moved to New York I never had a hash oil pen and I'm trying not to seem like a bitch around him and also we had just met and I just fucking hit that bitch way too hard and I am just pretending to be sober for the whole like two hours that we're fucking too high early on in a friendship and lost that friendship yeah thank god Danza I remember I was like I was hanging out with Kumail and his wife

had too big of an edible and I just went you guys are gonna have to get out of here and I kicked him out of the living room I just fell asleep and had a panic attack You know he doesn't return my text You're a pedophile and you kill Romney molly who's an even bigger pedophile than you bigger pedophile than you. It's like Spiders 5 or Pepper or Pepper. But you stay, you gotta get even more jacked. You need to get even more fucking jacked for this.

I know you probably don't feel like doing anymore, but for me you have to. You're a lame ass ripped kiss. That's so fucking funny. I also love the Friday night, listen to my favorite. You just like get fast food, listen to the wrestling podcast. That screams like child from a broken home to me. Where it's like you get your four hours of silence. You know what I mean?

Like that ritual where you're like, mom's at work, dad's doing his shit, there will be no yelling. There will be no fighting. They left me $20 for like my favorite days with my brothers that we still talk about or like dad was fucking doing a job somewhere yeah my mom was running errands she leaves us you know it was the 555 deal at dominoes at the time she leaves us $15 and maybe another 10 for sodas or whatever and we just each get our own fucking pizza we're fucking watching yugioh we're fucking

we're just playing gamecube and like that is still what clicks. When I think of like happiness, it's like, ah, just a couple hours to not, you know, no fucking yelling and shitty food. Yeah, for sure. Like I brought a friend over and I remember his reaction after seeing us all eat dinner was like, I'm like, so what'd you think?

He's like, you know, not a lot of joy there. With your family. As a kid or like now. This is like when I was in my 20s, early 20s. It's like, there's not really a lot of white moments. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's tough. Yeah, I know. It is like when you have a family,

like you know your family's fucked when it's like, you have a family there and you're like, ah, it feels like jury duty. Oh yeah. Where you're like, I don't want to fucking do this. I have to get through like, you don't want to make, like the people that are supposed to be your like closest loved ones and you feel like you're just making like small talk like you're in a fucking, you're getting your oil changed.

Well, it goes, it's this weird thing where it goes to small talk to heavy talk real fast. Right, right. There's no in between, you're right. It goes like, oh, how is your data? You never knew how to love. Yeah. It was in 15 seconds. I know, I know. If my dad had gotten into podcasting and knew how to vamp and knew how

to fucking kill an hour of conversation. Wow, that is, we are really getting into the psychological stuff. My whole childhood was like, yeah, just tense conversations and now I'm like, my job is to just be able to have a good time talking with anyone, that's fucked up. Yeah, but you know, you're able to do it, so good small talk. Yeah, that's true, yeah. Maybe my dad, you know, my dad, yeah, I mean,

it is, I recently had like lunch with him and it's just like. Are you guys close? No, no, our shit was bad and I'm trying to figure it's... my family shit is kind of complicated right now. I'm trying to smooth it all over. Hopefully, you don't want to be like, you know, you don't want to have a shitty relationship with your parents if you can help it.

So I'm giving it the old college try. One... I'm almost giving my dad like, alright pal. You get one more shot. My mom died a year ago and you want to say everything all the stuff that you think it's really hard for you to say right now I just implore you to say it because like it will haunt you for the rest go from a KFC double to this

well yeah it's like the secession thing say everything that's not said cuz your mom you had you you were you have the cli- We had a tough- We had a tough mom. I have good mom, bad dad. You had good dad, bad mom. Yeah, it was very tough.

And the end of her life was, you know, she's a big problem with alcohol. And we had to, you know, this is actually the first time I've really talked about it on a podcast, but like, huh, but no, we had to put her- Pussy. We had to put her- This is the worst podcast to do it on a podcast, but like, uh, we had to push. This is the worst podcast to do it on.

Again, we are, I'm doing it. I'm literally doing this podcast where we have Google images of double downs right in front of us. I'm about to talk about like my alcoholic dementia mother. But yeah, it was, I mean, dude, the last, the last inter, like physical interactions I had with my mom and we're now, you know, I can't get into it, but we're having to do the, this is a living facility,

but it was Christmas Eve and I brought her Christmas presents. She told me to get the fuck out. Damn dude. And that was the last. And then like we told, and then we talked on the phone. She said she didn't remember and she apologized. And then like a week later, she went into cardiac arrest and then hit her head on the elevator on the way down

and then paralyzed herself from the eyes down. So we had like in her living will, she didn't want to be, she would be hooked up to machines. We had to pull the plug. So that was like a year ago. And then because of that, I started drinking again. And then, you know, now I'm back from rehab. So, please check out that special.

I only talk about her death a little bit on the special, but I don't think I've fully gotten through it yet. Yeah, I mean, that's going to fuck. Because also it's like, yeah, it was rough. It's the only one like, it's the only one where even Soder who's like got real dead dad issues was like, man, that's pretty. Yeah.

He's like, all right, you compete. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no, first of all, mom is all, I think mom is always gonna have the, it's always gonna, bad mom or like complicated mom. I would say complicated mom. Yeah, like that's always gonna be harder than dad stuff because your mom is like,

like babies don't even care about their dads. You know what I mean? Like from a biological evolutionary thing, it's like your mom is the only like, it's like the most natural like comfort system whatever like and so that like the nurturing aspect and then it's got to be complicated for you too because it's like You see alcohol fucking her shit up. That's been an issue for you Yeah, and then the likes like the iron like the dramatic irony of like your alcoholic mom's death the iron, like the dramatic irony of like, your alcoholic mom's death pushing you back

to the fucking bottle. It's like, it's where it's all so connected. That's fucking brutal, dude. And I wish, I mean, like, look, I'd still be, if I could stop at eight, I would still be drinking. You know what I mean? But I just can't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, eight.

Not even four. This is like, I know I had to go to rehab because I was like, this was like four was like over three months ago, right? And I did the bonfire and I had like 10 drinks before the bonfire and I thought that I could get away with it and then as soon as I got off, I got a text from Soder being like, were you just drunk? Like I was like, ah, fuck.

And I was just a bit of wreck because the only time like Bobby Kelly like gently looks into my eyes and like put his hand On my knee. Yeah, you know like I'm used to Bobby Kelly like giving people shit Human being around you something's wrong Like something is term like you haven't terminal as you don't know about Bobby's like if Bobby's just purely nice to me. I'm like fuck what's going on He doesn't call me a fat idiot the second he sees me. Yeah, that's tough. That's worse There's no insult that stings more than Bobby being like hey man. Let's be serious for a second

And then I will go over Jay still talking about sex then Jaymo was like Then I'm talking about sex then J-mo was like bada bap bap bap bap you know and I'm talking about my mom it's a real nightmare brutal dude and so you were just cause you had like drinking back that's been the whole you kind of been back and forth with it

I would get like 3 years sober and then go out and then sober and go out and then I would do something like you know I'd be like I would half know, I'd be like, you know, I would, I would half it where I would be out with a girl and she would have a drink. She'd be like, it's weird that, you know, I can trick around you or not tricking.

I'm like, yeah, I know I'm sober, but I would be drunk before the date to try to get ready. Or then like one time I was like, yeah, I'm sober, but I took oxy, you know, like, so I was like drawing out of my mouth. So it's like gone back and forth kind of thing. But it is like, I mean, I assume that it's- You're still livin' to drink, right?

Yeah, yeah, drinky's never been my issue. I mean, weed honestly is way more my issue. And food unfortunately just is- Food's the hardest one. That's the one that has the most grip over me, where it's like, even drinking, I could see myself actually stop. Like I think if I ever got sober off anything for good yeah probably like it's hard to

realize or anything no yeah honestly we I've had a problem bigger problem with weed where it's like I can't sleep or like I'm fucking irritable like there was I definitely had those years of from fuck I don't know what like there was like my 20s there was like a few years I was high every day and then when I first moved to New York, forget about it, I was so depressed. Life sucked so much dick, I was high constantly. Yeah, it's hard, I mean it's hard.

You wouldn't want to be medicated all the time and you know, maybe the story was things would start going well, you know, I'd get the girl career wise, things would be going better and then I would go out. Now finally, I feel like I've kicked it and I'm like taking care of shit seriously. Unless you're buying, you know.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude. I mean, I just always, my grandpa died with a bottle in his hands. It's just always been. Oh, that's tough. That's in your fucking blood, brother.

Oh, yeah, bro. Mom's side or dad's side, grandpa? Mom's side. Okay, so it's your mom's side. I had two grandpas that went to World War II. One, one one of them, free like dock out was like free concentration camps. And the other one, which is the one I take after shot himself in the hand in Australia and then they didn't deploy him. He got drunk and I guess all I heard was that he was an argument to prove a point. He shot himself

in the hand. Oh man, they're like, you know what man, don't even, we don't even want the Germans to shoot you. But he was also cool when he got kicked out of high school because he fucked the teacher. Whoa, that's fucking sick. But yeah, also when he went back to college. Old school, back when that wasn't even, that was a purely good thing back then.

Yeah, back then. And in fact, it's like, that boy, make that boy mayor. You know, it's like, that boy's an upand-comer like that you could get a fucking- You think you're like a zeppelin as a president? Yeah, you become a foreman of like a fucking a steel mill if you f- if you're a 16 year old the fuck's your teacher back then And she has to go to a sanitarium She's like- she's like in with Virginia Woolf Like in a basement somewhere Damn. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to.

You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to.

You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to.

You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. You're gonna have to. Mom is from Jersey. They met, she was in one of my dad's plays. Oh, nice. And he was actually dating somebody else, and then they got together. And then when they split up, that's kind of when she started to really kind of go down the, but she was going through stuff beforehand.

Obviously, when you split up, it was, it's never like a- Community theater actress. Right, right, right. Not like the most stable person I would say And even same thing of playwright to don't get it wrong She's a great teacher. She was great with emotionally disturbed yet But remember my dad it was it was a weird thing like growing up This is actually cathartic to talk about like it in their most day. It was like the opposite like most dads

Like it would be like, you know, you get the aggro idea of like, you know, like, you got to play ball better. And he was the opposite of that. But he was like, if he had a bad New York's times review, like you couldn't talk to him for a couple of days. Like, so he would like, you just like hear him in the office. Well, you know, just like slamming away at his keyboard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The times eviscerated his show.

So that was very bizarre. It was a very bizarre, they were good parents, but it was very, you know, they're very emotional and heavy. Like when I had depression issues in high schools, my dad, I remember he goes, the only thing my son has inherited is a pharmacy. Yeah, it's like shut the fuck up. Be my dad, brother fucker. Don't be corny right now. Don't try and make this a big moment.

He's trying to plant lines for your screenplay He wants to be like quoted We need an Indian guy we need a fucking Egyptian or some shit. There's no white guy It's about air pedophiles and whet wrestlers. No gay playwrights. That is funny though, because that's like gay toxic masculinity. It is. It's like how dare you. But he's still straight.

It is. Your dad was just barely snuck under. For sure. I get that. That is interesting because it does, it is damaging to you, but you get none of the like manly positives. No.

You get none of the like, I'm gonna kick that. Like, I don't like my anger issues, right? I don't like, but. I've never seen them. So you've talked about them on the podcast. I've never seen them. I'm totally good at keeping it like. I look in Elvis as like a,

like a So much theater makeup kicked on right now. He's got two black eyes because he didn't get me a coffee this morning I had to get my own fucking coffee you fuck But like I will say they're happy like it's not they're not positive at all But like I will say they're not positive at all, but I do think in a like, me and my brothers have fucked up a couple people that were fucking with us. You know what I mean? And that was because of my father.

Like when I was younger, I would get in fights and win them. You know what I mean? Like in elementary school, middle school, like there is a little, there is still a little usefulness to like, look, if shit really goes down You have a dark source of energy yeah that been to where it's like, you know You write a like a poem and then take pills and then watch wrestling here. I got studying Strinberg

I can take a punch that's about it Yeah, you're the since we're homer basically that's what we're just as fuck and I'm glad not to do it cuz I can't obviously I'm too fat and no one's trying me I don't want to have to like I don't want to get angry try and punch someone my shoulder falls oh I probably probably literally me and my brother one of my brother's fist fought I haven't fucking dry dry heaving yeah yeah I mean probably yes I'm one of my brothers fish font. Yeah. I haven't. Just fucking dry heaving after lunch. Yeah, yeah, I mean probably yeah, some kind of, like a college thing, early college thing and then that time me and my brothers fucked up another kid on a Greek school, on a Greek

field trip to I think Hershey Park. There's a, and look, I obviously have trolled, I'm the guy, I trolled this kid so hard he wanted to fuck me up. Like he was, I'm not an innocent hero in this. No, no, no, no, no, no, here's the story is. You say with a proud smirk on your face. He was annoying, here's the thing. He was annoying and he tried to insult me.

You know what I mean? It was like, one of the, like Greek people do have this weird like pride of like, there is a lot of macho bullshit there. And so like they hate to be like embarrassed. They hate to be all this shit. And like, you know, I was, I always am good. I mean, embarrassing people is one of my,

I didn't know, I'd never knew that professionally that would be a mess. Like I never even gave a fuck about crowd work really. And it was like this thing where I was a minor bully. Or it's like, I liked fucking with people that took themselves too seriously, right? This kid, he was a dork. This happens sometimes where dorks go away one summer

and get jacked. Has that ever, you know that phenomenon? For sure. He was a fucking loser. He still wasn't coordinated, so he sucked a basketball. And I just trolled him a lot and then he was just too aggro And he was like shut the fuck up or out He's like he just told me shut the fuck up or else I was like or what and I called him a pussy whatever And he just like lunges at me. He's a fucking idiot because we're on a bus, right?

So he just lunges at me tries to punch me. I just take him I put him down on the seats Right, and then I just start fucking him up and he's punching me a little bit But like I'm pretty much I just have the upper hand right and then my shit of your dad Yeah, yeah, I definitely had the shit of your dad I definitely had the shit of your dad his dad was a you know another nerd a meek nerd and then my brother's coming people like oh thank God his brothers are gonna Draw are gonna break this fight up and then my brothers come and people are like, oh thank god his brothers are gonna are gonna break this fight up and then my brothers just start fucking him up too

and were just fucking bop bop bop bop bop bop bop six fists uh, just over and then my, actually this you know what, this is a big problem I have with my fucking bitch ass father that I think you need to fight him

he was uh, I would fuck him up that should be a patreon there was something where I was like, oh, I definitely could fuck my dad up now. He's old, he's been ravaged by time. Even though he is strong, he's been a contractor his whole life, but he's got that angry dad spirit. He definitely does, but Badheart,

give him a, hit him in the fucking ticker. Little kill bill. Yeah. Little kill bill hard punch. Get that balloon, that stint keeping his heart open, fucking pop that fucker. He's gone He after me my brothers fucked him up which we did what he taught us in theory Which is like always have your brothers back He made like a big public showing of slapping me in front of everyone to be like I control my children like

Wait in front of the kids the whole like fucking thing and I couldn't believe it I was like dude this you're supposed to be on my side and then he apologized see that I've never got hit so yeah Two week of wrists He was too busy holding like a Marty grommat Yeah, He bet. I mean, he didn't hit me that much. My dad didn't hit us that much. He did a little light hitting, but it was more the constant, like, anger and the constant threat of being.

He broke a lot of shit. I'll tell you that much. It is always funny when a guy's like, I never, I wasn't it. I was. I never hit you guys. It's like, yeah, but there was a lot of like, uh, vases that shattered really close to us. Right, yeah. There was a lot of stuff I dodged.

Yeah. Yeah. But whatever. Whatever. We'll see. We'll see what happens. Well, he's gonna be proud now. Yeah, but that's another thing too.

It's like, oh, this is the year you want to make amends. It's like the year I get rich. Is he apologizing now? I wouldn't even call it apologizing. That's the other thing. It's not even apologizing. It's just like, I don't know. I wouldn't even call it apologize. That's the other thing. It's not even apologizing It's just like I don't know. I don't know what's going on There's a lot there will be an update at some point too much is up in the air with my family to like

I don't even know what's going on, but are you guys your mom? Yeah? Yeah, my mom's great. My mom's my mom's cool But you know they're fucking I Don't know man people get I do think there is something to when you get older and you're like, fuck, I mean it's like, shit's about to be over. And you're trying to like, it's like the, it's like the, you know, when you didn't work on your homework at all.

It's like my parents are trying to just like sneak being good parents in. The emotional homework from my ex-wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're trying to just like really close, get a pet. My dad is definitely trying to get a C minus right now in terms of like connection to his children, but he's doing a bad job.

And my mom is just trying, I don't know, I think my mom is just, she feels like her, cause they stayed together. My parents never got divorced and they should, they clearly should have. And I think my mom, it's kind of like, she's pretty, we're pretty close to her, but I think she's kind of trying to really fast

fulfill the rest of her life where she's like, I stayed in this dumb marriage too long. I didn't know. She always thought about wanting to go to community college. I kind of wanted to go take some classes to just like, you know, she's an art lover. She liked going to school, but she was she was an artist but she didn't go to art school she went to like interior decorating school because her

right her dad was like well you can at least get a job doing that she hated that she should have just gone to art school there's a whole so I think in the twilight of her life she's trying to just like you know feel better about herself as a human being and of course she also really wants one of us to have grandkids I think you know in the car tree think or no I don't know I used to think I would I used to think I was just gonna be what you see I could see being a good thing I think I would be if you know if I help myself to a bust and I don't plan it out too good if it happens it happens I'm in that stage where I'm like, but I do think I actually have gotten further away from wanting like I always thought I would eventually

I'm 35 or I'm about 35. Yeah, you're sperm's still good for a little while. Yeah, yeah, I find some dumb bitch 15 years younger than me. Going down to pumps. You know. But yeah, I don't know. I think if I ended up with somebody that wanted them I also would love to be the fucking uncle like you know, you know, be the cool uncle in a family easiest thing to do Easy if you fuck up being an uncle man. Well, there's one way There's one classic way to be a real bad uncle. Yeah

My great uncle apparently was a pedophile uncle Gus But my, but- The inspiration for the screenplay. This is another thing. It's like, I didn't like my grandpa when I was, because my parents couldn't afford, like they ended up, my dad ended up becoming more successful and getting money.

And then it was, you know, it's a playwright. So it's up and down. Like, oh, some years it was like, we have a pool. Other years it was like, maybe I work at Barnes & Noble like we were my grandpa used to dress my grandma always wanted a granddaughter so like they would my my mom would leave me at their house and she would dress me up as a ballerina and I would like dance in my grandfather's cigar smoke pictures I think I put one on Instagram me as a ballerina but again it's like,

why not just molest me, get me the street crime on the mucus, I'm sitting here doing this weird David Lynch montage that I can't even like, I can't even like, tap in. There's no like chapter in a psychiatrist like book about that. No, there's done. You know molested, there's ton of writing on molesters.

Right, there's no dance in a ballerina through cigar smoke. You know, like the end of a Twin Peaks episode. Writing on the last right there's no dance in a ballerina through cigars You know at the end of a twin peaks Yeah, that is so fucking weird At least you know at least it was an uncle Gus dressing you up. No, that's true. He had a bad rep He had a bad rap. Do you want to have kids? I? Don't know. I don't know if it's in the cards for us biologically, but like it will be bad nut bad

My mom Baby that's what cuz I am I'm a product of You know bad pussy and bad nut I believe yeah I you Yeah, I think that I could see myself if we had money, hey man, if this show goes to the special pops, tell the animal docs. But we're really happy. We have three dogs, so we really love those dogs. And we could get a lot more rescue dogs.

And the thing about dogs is they die right at the age where if they were a kid, they'd realize you were a fraud. You know, so it's a nice dynamic. So if they give dog sentience, you're not signing your dogs up for that. Yeah, no, fuck that. What, why would I ever do that?

That's the whole point of, you know, that's like having dance syndrome, but also being able to be sad. Yeah, you don't want to create one that doesn't like candy. What's even the point? It was fulfilled in the worst way. Yeah, that is brutal. That is that's got yeah. I'm uh, I'm just ready to be I'm ready to go uncle mode Hopefully, you know your brother having a kid. I think one of them wants to Yeah, they're married. Yeah, two brothers. They're both married one. I don't think you know him and his wife I don't think they're you know, they're both artists. I don't think they ever they could surprise me who knows and have good But the other one I think definitely wants kids and then I have a cousin I'm really close to but I don't think she wants kids I

Have my you know one of my best friends She had a kid and that was like the first kid where I was like, oh, I care about a baby. You know, because I don't really, I mean, I guess I have a cousin in Greece who had a kid, but you know, he's kind of annoying. No, he's a cute kid, but I don't see him, you know what I mean?

And then, you know, so, and then if other friends have kids, who knows? If there's enough kids, basically my point, if there's enough kids around, were they all like, cause also like life is a nightmare and it's like, who knows dude? The problem is, is like when you have, if your friend is too into your kid,

you sort of have questions about your friend. Right, right, right, right, right. I've never met a kid that I'm like, wow, this is awesome. That's a cool kid, yeah. This is an awesome hang, I can't wait to see this kid. Well, totally, but that's the thing, it's like you never, that's why, that is what's interesting is like, wow, this is awesome. That's a cool kid. Yeah, yeah. This is a great, this is an awesome hang. I can't wait to see this kid. Well, totally, but that's the thing, it's like, you never, that's why, that is what's interesting, is like, because when you meet just some, like a friend's,

like an acquaintance or like a lower tier friend, right? Yeah, a lower tier friend. You count the baby as its own person. And then you're like, well, this is just some fucking guy, I don't know. Who's Kai, who's a fucking, who's annoying? He's fucking guy. I don't know who's kind of fucking who's annoying. He's a baby. I can't do anything cool with him.

But when you're when somebody you really love has a kid, you're like, oh, this is a fucking extension of my friend. This is her kid. Like he gets all the he gets. He gets all the goodwill his mom built up. That's about Lawrence comedian, one of my best friends. He has a kid and I'm very, you know, I'm like, when I see that kid, I'm gonna bring him a toy.

Exactly, exactly. That's a good boy. I'm really happy for them because they've wanted a kid forever, you know. And that's the kind of, that's the kind of shit I'm talking about. If this fucker has a kid, I can't wait to try and turn him against his father. Yeah. And win, and win, and win. Make me his favorite.

That's my goal. You know, I'm his god. He's my property. I'm gonna tell him, be nice, but don't get too close to Uncle Stavey. You'll have no choice. Freedom in combat. You'll have no choice. He's gonna love me. You know it.

Then quiet. That's the sound of making money. That's right. thanks to Shopify. That little ditty plays every time we make a sale and we're making a lot these days, folks, and it's easy to track thanks to Shopify.com. When I first started podcasting, I didn't think I'd have a merch store. I started podcasting, whew. Oh, Obama was in office when I started podcasting kids.

Okay? Never thought I'd be selling t-shirts. Now we got a calendar for sale. We got beautiful t-shirts on our merch store. Merch is a big part of our business here. Merch is putting that beautiful flannel shirt on Eldis' back. And when I first started started I was just selling shit out of the trunk of my Honda Civic no probably losing money not paying my taxes

don't tell uncle say all cash business wasn't really growing was barely making any money now thanks in no small I mean we've had Shopify ever since we launched the real merch store. We've been using Shopify. They're a global commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business. We started when we were barely moving units and now we're selling a lot of calendars. They're for sale right now at the Stavi.biz store.

They've been with us throughout every phase of the merch store from when it was just like, we only had a shirt to now we have multiple things going and multiple times and there's more coming for ya. And no matter what you're selling, you don't gotta just be selling merch, whatever it is you got. You wanna sell little origami kits, you artsy, you know what I mean?

You wanna sell, I don't know, a painting, you want to sell whatever it is. Eldest was going to remember when you were going to make soaps. Yeah, I mean, that business isn't quite dead yet. I'm working on the business plan. I'm actually looking for investors. Are you looking for an angel investor? I'm going to talk to you after this. Maybe we can Shopify's been there for us from the beginning the second we opened our store We were using Shopify before that. I was literally just people would DM me I was I was personally writing envelopes. I have shitty handwriting, we would lose half our merch. We love having Shopify on board. We've been able to track our sales, we've

been able to sell more, we know when people are buying stuff, what kind of our promotion is being successful because we track all our numbers with Shopify. We love them, we think you'll love them too. So sign up right now for $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Stavi all lowercase. Go to Shopify.com slash Stavi now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in Shopify.com slash Stavi. Oh, we just made a sale. Ah, my mother fucking thirst just got murdered bitch. That's right. Thanks to liquid death They murdered my thirst you're looking at this you're like what the hell is stop drinking this fat Piece of shit told me he was sober. Why is he sucking down that tall boy of Bruce? He it ain't you fucking numbskull. This is a sparkling mountain water thanks to my friends at Liquid

Death. Liquid Death, you might, you might, my mom saw me drinking this while I was driving. She thought I was really losing it and was about to drive her off a bridge drunk. But I, little did she know I was murdering my beautiful thirst. Thanks to Liquid Death. It's actually mountain water, it's sparkling water. They got low sugar soda. They got low sugar iced teas too. I love the iced teas. The only reason I'm drinking the sparkling right now, it's delicious, but I love the iced teas so much they barely last a fucking week in my house. I'm having one every day. I like the armless Palmer. It's a little play on I don't know if I can legally say a golfer. Let's say Half iced tea half lemonade is awesome. I also like the Grim Leefer

I'm a nice tea's guy when it comes to liquid death because they're just they just got a hint of sweet 20 cows and the whole fucking can you know, I'm trying to watch my figure these days guys And I and the other thing I love about liquid death I Used to think plastic was the most recyclable shit turns out they're full of shit when it comes to that Most of the plastic you're drinking you motherfuckers are separating your shit that's ending up in the ocean fucking choking out Flounders left and right Metal is actually fucking recyclable. Did you know that dumbass? That's why I also love liquid death. They have these healthy,

like I said, the low calorie sodas, low calorie ice teas that still taste great, still kill your thirst, and they're actually recycling, they're actually helping out the fucking country. It's pretty fucking sick world. Not just the country. It's worldwide, baby They got great merch Eldest well, just why aren't you wearing your fucking trucker hat new piece of shit? Sorry, please don't dock me That's that's guys coming out of eldest's pay folks and we're putting the proceeds But we're actually giving liquid death back some of their money It's coming right at eldest's paycheck. I love this fucking stuff. I think you're gonna love it, too

I'm not even gonna front When I thought when I first I was like, oh, yeah liquid death whatever I've seen around it looks cool It's got a cool can but who really gives a fuck these motherfuckers hooked me by buying advertising space on my podcast I love this fucking brand of shit I was at my buddy Joe Liz fellow comedian. He just buys it himself. They don't even sponsor the fucking guy He just loves it Be like us Enjoy this love of liquid death you can get free shipping of liquid deaths mountain water flavored sparkling and iced tea eight packs with

Amazon Prime or grab a can or a case of your local 7-Eleven Target, Walmart, Whole Foods or on Instacart. They got their Walmart their fucking Whole Foods. They got all of America represented. Go to liquiddeath.com slash Stavi to check out all their healthy, infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer. That's liquiddeath.com slash Stavi. Liquiddeath.com slash Stavi. retailer that's liquid death comm slash stave liquid death comm slash stave

Anyway, well look we I we could talk forever. There's so much interesting shit We didn't get into but we got it We got to bring the people some fucking advice then of course man. We need to bring the people some advice I was just in the cum sock episode That's a good one. That was a great debate What's up So yeah, that's a good one. That was a great debate. Well, stuff stopped. Elden esteemed guest. You thrust up. So it's stopped.

Elden esteemed guest. So a little context before I get into the meat of this situation. But essentially, me and my college buddies had been a couple of years since we graduated, kind of winter and ways, stripped of the part a little bit, live in different cities until my one friend started inviting us to his family gatherings, his beach house and stuff like that.

So give us a good little opportunity to all touch base with each other, hang out, reconnect, all that good stuff. And it's been really fun and great. The thing is, me, we're 26, and me and his older sister kind of have had a little bit of a romantic vibe when we are all hanging out. Nothing's happened, no lines have been crossed or anything, but now we've become friends and family friends and whatnot you know we're texting and there's certainly like a vacation going on and we live you know about two and a half three hours away from each other and she has a friend in my city and

text me like hey if i come visit my friend we should hang out and i'm i'm open to it but you don't want to cross any lines with my friend. So I'm kind of just looking for a guide and how to navigate this situation without damaging my relationship with my friend, being respectful to a sister. Is it okay to pursue a potential romantic connection or should I just kind of pull back on that? You think you're just never allowed to fuck anybody you might have a little bit of your thanks for any of us you can give me appreciate it but stop later don't spit in her mouth yeah unless you yeah yeah yeah yeah unless she insists yeah I mean this is kind of an

interesting I get well first of all how bad is he blowing it where she's like, hey if I were to come visit, maybe we could hang out. She clearly wants to fuck this guy and she has to contrive of- Man, I have this problem. My pussy is just wet all the time. She has to be like, yeah, I'm gonna visit. Which I get also, that's a clean, if things go bad, I have a friend to hang out with, whatever. But dude, you're 26. This is not like, this is a problem when you're like

in high school or like, it's also not necessarily ever a problem. It depends on how close. I feel like, I don't know, like I've gotten, like I've had a thing where my sister was hooking up with my best friend and I, but I probably reacted. I was a little bit too weirded out by it. And I probably was recently.

But I got fucked up. I gotta say, no, this was like years ago, but I gotta say like I was wrong. I should have been. Right. Well, in hindsight, I should have been more accepting with that. So I think that it's, I think it's fine. I think if it's your mom, it's probably weird. Yeah, more accepting with that. So I think that it's, I think it's fine.

I think if it's your mom, it's probably weird. I agree with that. But even then, if it was my mom, I'd probably be happy. Oh God, get her out. Well, not now now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Some guys got to stick on a Ouija board.

Oh, this is the worst are's a good the fact yeah, cuz you realize like it was Certainly it can be a problem if someone has like a bunch of shit and a bunch of resentment and just like if you weren't in a good place Anyway, but I think if you Like at 26 you're close to your friend like to me. That's also like this is also a like in a perfect world This is great. Your best friend marries your sister. It's like you're literally works out. It's great It's the best it's like your works out is great, but in 26 is like, you know And it depends what you want. Are you just trying to fuck a sister? Treat her poorly and never

just you know speak to her again because that's obviously the bad thing but if you're going into this with real intentions and i would also say because it's your best friend sister you do want to probably even be a level more respectful than you would right like don't try any weird shit be really open about your communication ship but not to the point where you're like

blowing the vibes. You know what I mean? Cause no one, but like- But you still wanted to fuck you. Yeah, you still wanted to want to fuck you, but yeah dude, you're at the age where it's like this, this could put, I'm not gonna put any pressure on you here, but 26, you know, you're at the age where it could be

something serious, like if this was 20 or 21 or whatever, maybe it's different, but this is not a problem. I don't think at all. This is, I mean, maybe talk to your brother or your friend. Maybe. I'm also realizing from this answer that you've definitely fucked some of your friends. I never have.

No one has like sisters my age. But that's the thing, I would, I've definitely thought in the past, just like when I was young, I was like, oh, what if this person ended up with this? It would just make my life, there's certain, like I have a friend right now who, he's dating someone and he's like,

oh, what if like my friend started dating my girl's sibling? Like that would be, and we could all hang out? Like it's just like, I actually think this is a good setup. No, it's true, and it does, because you. Like it's just like, I actually think this is a good setup. No, it's true and it does, cause you know, as you get older, you know, I'm married and sometimes, like sometimes you're just like grandfathered into these hangs you didn't want to be a part of, you know?

Like imagine if your wife, if she had a sister married to like Soder or something, or like, or just like somebody you like seeing. By the way, so everybody's in love with Soder. Soder's like, like, yeah, everybody, everybody like has a crush on Soder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's happily taken. He's got the cute, he's in love with Sotir. Sotir's like, yeah, everybody has a crush on Sotir. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's happily taken. He's got one of the cutest relationships.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, they're great. But anyway, I just, like, so I don't know, Eldis, we're on the same page, I would assume here, right? Or do you have a different take here? I could see the friend being uncomfortable with it, and it's kind of weird to navigate. think it's complicated because like this guy is going to like the guy's family's beach house Which is like a very intimate like invitation, but it also sounds like he's not like super close with the guy

Feel like it almost be easier to like discuss or bring up if they were like closer But I part of me is like to me I read this I read the beach house thing differently though I read it is like we are really we were really close when we were younger and we want a way to keep stay connected because you're important to me so I seriously it could I guess

what it really boils down to the problem is like it's weird to be like hey dude your sister's gonna be in town I'm kind of interested we kind of flirting Do you give a fuck if anything happens? It's just like presumptive to even ask your friend that like before the fact or something You know at the same time. I mean come on. She's coming a bit. You know, they're gonna hang out like I guess at maybe after the first hangout But even then it's like how close are they? The thing is it's probably going to happen. Yeah.

Because this isn't a first hangout. Right, you're right. They've known each other. This is not a first hangout. Yeah, he knows what's up. I guess what it boils down to for me is only pursue this if you're actually serious about it. That's really what it boils down to.

I think that's very true. You know, because it's like even if you're like, I'm trying to have, don't look at it as a potential like, oh, if we hook up for six months, you know, and I just softly ghost or who cares? No, like you have to actually be able to go, because of your friendship, like you just wanna actually give this a little, make this, it's like the difference between when you're on trial for civil versus,

like OJ was found innocent, because there's a lack standard of proof. There's a lower standard of proof in like criminal court, right? You have to prove beyond the reasonable doubt, whereas like civil court, it's like, is it more likely than not? So you have to apply.

So he did a terrible job at that civil court. Yeah. His personality really shown through. Yeah, yeah. He showed up as naked gun OJ and he showed up as Heisman OJ. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he thought he was untouchable. So basically you have to be, it has to be beyond the reasonable doubt. It's criminal rules, it's harder to prove here.

So it's like, do you really want to take this seriously? And then in terms of telling your friend, I mean, if you think there's real vibes, you can check the temperature a little bit. I also think is this guy a fucking idiot? He doesn't know. He doesn't know that there's some vibe going on at the beach house. He hasn't picked up on anything. And here's another conspiracy theory, not conspiracy, but like, we're only talking the negatives, the positives could be like your friend could also be stoked in theory.

Like if things are good, you know, like it could be cool to him that you could be, you know, you know, dating his sister, I don't know. But I do think only do it if you're serious. And then what's the verdict on should he talk to his friend about it beforehand? I kind of think it's just going on the reasonable doubt thing.

Hey, if she comes out to your town for a weekend, hang out, feel the vibes that way, if anything happens or if you really catch us. Well, I might be on Elvis inside here. Probably, but you don't know. I think he can wait to tell the friend before. It's true, it's a little- He has a,'t know. I think he can wait to tell the friend before. It's true. It's a little...

He has a, you know... You should at least hang out once in a context, just you and the sister, just to feel the vibes out. Because you do have the reasonable... Now we're back to being a bit of a scumbag. But as long as you have the right intentions, you can be like,

I was just, I hung out as she came over, we hung out. I'm catching kind of a vibe. How does that make you feel? Tell him midfuck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Face time. Facing her call. Face time, everyone, with your cock.

And his sister. Just like, hey, dude, your sister's over here. My cock's right on the outside of her pussy. She's crazy. She's like a metal detector on beach. Speaking of beach houses. Can I put an M-Bro? Are you going to be weird about this?

She's like what are you doing? I shut up bitch. That was such an accurate pantomime of a dick Yeah, yeah, it was a dick rub Little dick rub never hurt nobody. Well there you go buddy. Don't be so nervous and as long as your intentions are pure go for it All right, what else we got a little L though? Hey, Stavi, it's covered uh... and i'll get well uh... so i've been with my current girlfriend for about

just about five years going on the six now and uh... i want to propose this year uh... very excited i've already got a planned out of our gas for her mother's blessing and everything. The problem is, is my family. A few years ago, they had a huge falling out with my girlfriend and just completely like now hate her. What happened was, is my sister, the psycho psycho crazy bitches on multiple medications but i don't for anger issues and bipolar shirt um...

she uh... we got the first fight but i don't think uh... fight with your sister well my girlfriend who comes from a more reprieve lot more uh... a lot of preppy she comes from a background. He would consider not getting maced by your sister. Oh, you know prep She shopped at error pasta

Not that her family wasn't abusive anyway keep going Lot more a lot a lot more money will just say that okay um not trash she called cps on my sister which definitely was not okay but you know it was it is my girlfriend weathered out and we worked on some stuff but um we're still working on stuff with my family and it's slowly getting better but it's it's very obvious. Like they clearly want me to find someone else. And I'm just wondering like I need your advice on how when I do propose this year, that's just the plan. How do I talk to my mom about that? How do I, how do I tell my

mom and my sister that I were now engaged? Because I feel like the reaction is definitely we're now engaged because I feel like the reaction is definitely not gonna be good. So yeah, I'm just really trying to figure out how to navigate that and figure it out. But uh yeah, sobby, guys, have a great day guys, love you. Hey man, listen, here's my advice, you fucked your way out of white trash, okay? Your girlfriend's rich pussy's like a UFO hovering above your trailer park, and you just need to fucking, whoa, and get sucked right into her pussy, and up out of fucking having hot pockets

for Easter Sunday brunch. Run into that fire in the sky, bro. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, I think people have to realize like as soon as you get married or engaged your wife is more important than your sibling Yeah, that's the thing is like they're much more important. There's a debate, but sibling more important I think I mean, I think it's I think it is the Like I think they're yeah, I think they're absolutely more important and if you're fully committed That's the thing when you decide to get to get engaged to somebody you're basically saying committed. That's the thing. When you decide to get to get engaged to somebody, you're basically saying, this is my family now. This is my, my, my, and I don't, it's not like I'm not saying everybody has to, you know, it's nice if you can stay

close with your family, your, you know, your birth family, whatever, whatever you want to call it, your parents, your siblings, all that kind of stuff. And certainly, I, you know, I think it's for the best if you kind of merge families. But that, even your mom, your dad, your sister, I think it's for the best if you kind of merge families and but that even your mom your dad your sister They become your extended family like your family is now you and your wife you and your you know Fiance if you have kids, that's your fucking family. It's but you know, so If you're making this decision in my opinion You have to be prepared for her to be more important than them and you have to be prepared to I

Mean if you're dead set on it, then yeah talk to your I think talk to your family And if they're disrespectful about it if they're didn't you have to I think you have to draw a line of like you have to behave A certain way to be around me and my what or me and my fiancee or We just can't be to get like we we can't be, I'm not coming and visiting anymore. We can't have, you know. There's plenty of people who don't talk to their families anymore. You know what I mean? And you have to be.

I'm not coming, I'm not coming for like the white elephant Christmas, the Christmas gift exchange where it's, every single one is a pack of Marlboro Reds. I'm not coming to that anymore. Everyone, everyone. So yeah dude, I mean, now her calling CPS, that is snitch white lady behavior, I agree. To call it on for kids, like for a fight you guys had, as someone who is poor, that is fucked up.

Did she apologize? Like that's the other thing, like you fought your sister, you ended up in jail. Did she end up in jail too? Like was it one of those? Or did you do something wrong? Has your girl apologized for calling the cops on her, on your sister?

Like is there something you think you can do to make amends? Make it, do your part, do everything you feel like you should do, whatever you were in the wrong for, make up for it, and then have a conversation with your family and be like, this is the decision, I love this person more than anything. And then see how they take it and you know. I have a different take, I think you guys should fight again

To marry that's fair you each select your own weapon. It's like they come they come out to the fucking John wigs She says the terms she's like we will be fighting with maces And she says the terms she's like we will be fighting with maces Are you fucking twirling a fucking maze? But yeah, you know that's that's basically it like Did you figure out if there's anything you and your girl need to apologize for go into that conversation with a completely clean slate on your behalf? then, you know, see how they handle it. At the end of the day, they don't get to fucking choose, man. And it's like, this is your life, this is your family,

and you're deciding this who you want to start a family with, so you know, fuck your dumb sister and mom. So funny, you could see how desperate the call is by what time the call You guys can't see it, but that is true. I never even noticed 30 a.m. I'm like, oh man, this one's got to be rough Yeah, I never even thought of that. It's very very perceptive Stop I've been engaged now for about eight months. Very in love with my fiance.

We've both gained weight throughout. We've been together about eight years. I still think that my fiance is very sexy, very hot. You should immediately think through the quad. She looks great. But we have both gained a lot of weight throughout the years. He keeps... Um, despite how much...

Okay. I always think that she looks great. So, so meekly telling us that bitches too fast. It's starting to become a health factor. And I'm... It's starting to become a health factor. Okay. And I'm...

I just... How do I say that you need to lose weight, or not even lose weight, just be healthier without sounding like an asshole and yeah that's about it also how do I like I have friends who are so like girls who aren't even that big people called Trevi and a fucking bullshit like I like it's so she's setting up his so bonafides we're saying I'm one of the good ones I'm a fat ally having said that my wife is a pig

he handled this the best way you can like being delicate, but because he was delicate now I just imagine this woman is like the science of Macy's day Yokozuna not not to also pile on this guy and put him on blast, but I Mean you hear he heard in his voice here, but he called in like eight times Yeah, try to get the wording just right so he So he's really doing the reason to hold out. Well, I have a couple thoughts. I think the first thing you can do, and maybe we've suggested this in the past, slightly damage all of her chairs.

So that every time she sits down, she breaks a chair. And you have to be like, this is crazy. I'm going to call the manufacturer. You have to be like this is crazy. I'm gonna call the manufacturer You got to be on her side, but every time it happens. It's got it. She's got to start fucking like you know being like Is this me? You know saw a hole in your deck. So when she walks out You know what I mean like? That's one way to get the message across without you having to do it. But, okay, but now that we got the bit out of the way,

which I was thinking of the whole time he was talking, and so there's, look man, you said we've gained a lot of weight, but all you've said is how do I get her to lose weight? This is your easiest thing in the world. If you and that's natural right this happens in relationships people gain Like comfort weight you're not out there You know you're you're not trying to present the product anymore. You're actually happy you feel secure You don't have to go to the fucking gym so much to fill the hole in your heart that this person is filled

That's a natural thing If you gain it together, why can't you lose it together too? Like make it, we did this together, right? Like because it's almost a symbol, both of you getting fat is a symbol of, you know, your love for each other. And if you're really worried about health, first of all, what health issue? Like does she have health issues? Or are you just finding the one way to be that's acceptable? Because people love so I can't tell you how many people are like we're so rude to have been rude to me my whole life about losing When they're like goes just for your health, and it's like you're on pills

I've seen you do cocaine at 9 a.m. You're not worried about my fucking house I'm worried about we can't now it's my health Just cuz my thing you see how it affects me, but we don't see what's going on with it You know how rotten your guts are from all the fucking coke and fucking pills and cigarettes and shit Because health is a way people like to it is possible that somebody can be Relatively healthy if they're a little overweight and if it's not like getting crazy right now at the same time I'm not gonna

sit here and say that obviously like a big reason I want to lose weight the only reason I want to lose weight truly is it has started affecting my health like that's why I'm like I need to take this seriously so like that's one thing but I think the easiest thing here is, do it together. And if you're worried about health, truly, since you've also gained weight, you could be like, why don't you go to the doctor, get your blood work done, and be like, oof, he's saying I need to like, babe, what do you think if we, like,

it's gonna be easier for me if we're doing this together? And that's also true, by the way. If you're living with somebody and it's just you and them having the same healthy healthy meals is easier like Working out together is easier having somebody to hold you accountable. That stuff is actually true. So I think that's your best bet if if it's truly health if you know whatever And that way it cushions the blow and also if you've both gained weight, it's true of both of you I think unless you've gained a little you haven't gained as much weight and it's really about

her. But I don't know. Yeah, I feel like in a situation like this, you just got to lead by example. You can never be like, I want you to lose weight to be fucking healthy. Right. Like you have to like, you know, you're like, yeah, I think I'm just going to make a salad or something tonight, kind of drop little, you know, just kind of make those healthy choices yourself and out of love or a good feeling

or out of pressure or worries, still join in. Yeah. But I think also you can't fully just, you also have to, I think a conversation is merited here where you're like, oof, I just went to the doctor, I did all this, I feel like we've gotten a little unhealthy, like, and it's probably true, right? They probably have together eaten a little,

like what, and you can frame it that way, where it's like, what if we like kind of get a little healthier, why don't we both kind of do a little health journey? I think framing it that way also is like, that's also less disingenuous and less insulting than like, mm, like, mm mmm this salad's good mmm it looks

better than your pizza like she's a fucking baby like you know what I mean you kinda have to treat her like a fucking person and not like a dumb little kid oh my god this is so much better than candy yummy numby numby

cause I've gotten fatter since I've been married, but my wife is still, she still keeps her shit fucking tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, she can't much of me, she's like, is it okay if I start to botox? I'm like, is it okay if I just start like eating like I always eat like shit all the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause that wasn't the agreement in this marriage.

Yeah. You did not marry Matt Reif. Yeah. I mean that is a classic set up though of hot wife fat husband. That's the dream. That's what I'm looking for. I don't have a wife. I gotta be fatter than my wife. Yeah for sure. Are you attracted to a bigger woman or mostly smaller woman? I gotta be fatter than my wife. Yeah, for sure. Just cause it's like, that sitcoms. Are you attracted to a bigger woman

or mostly smaller one? I do, I am attracted to the, I have a joke, I don't wanna do my bit, but it's like, I do feel like there is a, there is a compatibility, like two fat people when your dick is little, hard. Hard to get done. My dick.

Have a little dick? Oh yeah. I mean, it's nothing to write home about. But women seem to love it. They see, they're fine with yeah. Yeah. I mean it's nothing to write home about. But women seem to love it. They're fine with it. Yeah. You know it's not really, it's like the dick is part of, I think it's more of the experience

you know, like I think I'm a good time. Right. But no one's signing up for my cock. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah for sure. If it was just cock and no fun little banter. You know, no.

Yeah. You don't have like Metzger's dick lying around. No, no, no. His dick is humongous, right? Yeah, that's very, very, very, very, yeah. He's got like a 13-inch penis. Yeah. Nice.

Round of applause for Kurt Metzger's penis, everyone. Yeah, I guess that's part of my thought process of like the classic sitcom of like, at the end of the day, you know fat fat guy You like the Jim Bellucci and keep going? Yeah, not blonde, but yeah fat fat guy and some kind of uh, you know and again not not fat don't get me wrong I'm just gonna be fat as shit. That's what there's no way I don't get fat like I'm trying to Maybe keep it together for ten years. There's I don't die in my 40s There's like a picture of me like when we first got engaged where my wife is on the beach in a bikini

And I'm just wearing a shirt over a baby Fucking picture you've ever seen Fat guy Chick like fucking picture you've ever seen yeah, one of the people in the comments are like well Yeah, that's hilarious. What is going on see I at least offer. I'm my titties are out. I'm confident I'm not as confident as you I'm not as good. That's why yeah, I'm not confident That's that's that is the that's the experience I offer and especially now I have big hopes of The there's a whole there's some kind of tick-tock trend coming out about the mob wife aesthetic and I'm a

fat guy that believes himself that's that's a type of guy the Gandalfini yeah yeah absolutely people always thought he was hot you know yeah he was a piece of that he was a sex symbol during the Sopranos for sure even when he was you know at the end we're getting some fat as hell he was a true piece of ass in the beginning i'm trying to get there season one season one he's kind of jacked season one he looks good he's like uh... he's like like two fifty yeah yeah and he's a tall guy too

yes so it's a tall thing is always. Ah, yeah, it's a fucking cheat code, this fucking guy right here. You're married though, Elvis. I am married, yes. Yeah, although I guess that's true. He didn't get that good of a pussy that much when he was, even though he was taller,

but some came very easy to him. It's even, you know who the real assassin is, and he'll never even admit admitted is our good friend Jimmy Mack JP McDade He's in a great relationship now. He's tall. He's tall as shit. He's nice. He's funny Like he's unassuming and I feel like that's the guy women like will secretly like that's the guy that they'll just DM and be like Hey, do you want to come over and fuck me and he'll just go you know what I mean? And like to the point where I feel like he just wants to be in a relay he's tired of being used for his car we should save this for Kush

brothers jimmy mark yeah shout out to JP anyway let's get another one going here eldest get another one going in there hey dog and eldest big fan of the show I am calling because I I am like I'm calling because I am like, I'm a little chubby. My hair is thinning. I don't know, I guess I don't have a whole lot of confidence these days and it's good. I'm trying to figure out how to just like accept that stuff and Let it go I feel like you Maybe are able to do it a little easier because you have

like you're very funny and You have these You have these gaps Did call I find it a little more difficult to just like I'm not able to just descend into being a fat glob For my body I wonder if you have any I don't like how much you're enjoying this one, Elders. I hate the word. I don't like the pure delight this question is fucking giving you. It's not even like that.

People need help out there, man. People need help and get it. The fucking pureglee your bitch ass has right now, as this guy's like, hey, Stove, I'm getting ugly and fat. How do I do it? He was complimentary said I was funny at least this is by the way his uncomfortable fact I shirt And you're not even that fat Yeah, you could have gone away with this, no problem.

But you're right, your bi-language is so bad. It looks like a Comic-Con where she played your favorite actress. It looks like you're posing on reluctantly with a fat nerd who liked her portrayal of some Star Wars character. I love this message, though. Star Wars character. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. we owe this man body stop any well

continuing to better myself working out out, eating healthy, or all that, but I know even if I got to an ideal weight or something like that, I would still have something that I'm self-conscious about. So I'd rather just, like, do that and learn how to just accept it. Alright, thanks, Doug. Okay. Alright, well, we are going to let you get away with the backhanded nature of your call.

It is like real slow rolling those fat. It is like when women talk about how they'd, somebody had a bit, I'm sorry I'm forgetting who it was, but a very funny comic. She had a bit about like how she just doesn't want to be called brave. You know what I mean? Like she doesn't want to be called brave when she posts a picture of her with a bikini

on. This is sort of the equivalent of that. But no, I am here. This actually is what I'm here for. I'm trying to provide a shining example for ugly incel. My thing is always like if I can do it, you can too. Not maybe not at this level, like our friend said. I have some talents.

I'm more charismatic than most of you are. But still, you can still punch above your weight, right? And so I think there's a couple things in terms of acceptance. I think the biggest thing for me was realizing whatever the hang ups you have are, right? This guy says he has problems with his body, whatever. My guess is you're worried about how women are gonna treat you or how like it's gonna stop you from getting what you want. And

the reality is that's just not true. You're the thing stopping you, right? And look look am I telling you that? As many women are gonna want to fuck you as a traditionally attractive guy No, but here's the thing you don't need to fuck all those women You need to fuck one woman that you love or let's say ten for a guy like you ten would be great, right? You need to just fuck a very small percentage of women, right? And even in society people do treat fat people worse. That's true, right? But you don't need to fuck you don't need everybody to fucking love you. You need the people you work with you need the you know

Whatever you need you just need to be successful in your sphere And so when you feel you would like when there's there is so there are an amount of people on earth That are straight up attracted to you, what you look like. There are more people that want to fuck your theoretical look than you could ever fuck. Right? There's more than you could ever fuck in a perfect world. So go find a couple of them. You don't need to be everybody's favorite. You need to be the best version of you. You don't need to be the best guy of all time. Right? So that's that's really the acceptance thing is like I got dealt a certain kind of hand, right? 5-7, you know

Balding like no not good hair. The Lord gave me beautiful skin that thank you for that one God, but bad penis Just a lot of physical negatives, right? But I may do there a moment though where you like embraced it and it started to change? Yeah, I mean, that's, so like I was, when I was a kid I was much more self-conscious. What's your origin story? That's my question.

I'm trying to think. I think honestly, truly getting pussy for the first time. Like I was so self-conscious that I couldn't make a move. And I had a college girl, I didn't have sex until college and I had a college girlfriend who we were in a relationship and after her, after I got sad, when that broke, when that didn't work, I just fucking realized like I did it once, this girl was attracted to me.

She was like, you know, like for me it was a lot of like insecurity around romantic stuff and sex stuff. And once I just had the basic thing of like, oh, I can make a woman bust. There's women who, there's a woman who is, and I felt like she was attracted to me for real. And then I just started dating a little bit and getting out there and like, I was broke.

Comedy wasn't going good. I was like a local comma. I was in Baltimore. I lived in a, I paid $300 rent in this place in Baltimore. And that, and I worked at a paint store a Look, I'm a loser. I mean I eat I just eat beans and eggs for most of my meals They were the cheapest things you could get and even in that year. I fucked like 10 girls because I was just like Whatever like it's like I just realized people would and so I mean and then I do also talk about like, it is important, I think, even if you're happy with yourself,

working on your body and making yourself more attractive or more desirable or more whatever, it's important not for the positives from other people, but it's important because it makes you feel better. It makes you more confident. Like any improvement, whether that's physical or like, even if you've got a hobby that you were really into and you learned shit about it

or you just like, you know, you're doing better at work. Like for me, it really was. It helps your mood. It does not like, I haven't been working out but it does when you work out, you're less depressed. Yeah, and even like in terms of my origin story, it was like I was in a relationship where I got validation from a woman

and like, and it kind of melted away a lot of myself esteem issues there, but then also I took I always wanted to do comedy and That was also the year where it kind of started to click and working really hard on something I cared about even though didn't make me any money I was just like known as the funniest guy and like open mics in Baltimore like that doesn't get you anything but like like open mics in Baltimore, like that doesn't get you anything. But like just that, like focusing on my career and my dreams made me feel better and more confident. So even though I was a broke fucking loser,

I got more, and I got, I fucked some of the hottest girls I fucked in that stretch when I was like 24 in a loser. Cause I was just like, you know, if you're just around your bars, your shows, you're just like, you know, you're having a good time. So that's what I would say is like, you're just like, you know, you're having a good time. So that's what I would say is like, find stuff that makes you feel better about you as a human being.

You're not just your looks, you're the whole fucking package. And for me, it's like, this guy said I was funny, whatever, I had the gift to get up, whatever. That didn't help me when I was, even when I, I had that stuff when I was in college, I didn't get any pussy then. It helped me when I worked on shit I cared about and that was pretty much it. It was like, I was just in a place where I just,

I felt, things felt positive for me. And you know when you're younger, nothing feels better than potential. Because you don't have to have done anything. But you're like, I was 24 and being like, dude, moving to New York, they're gonna fucking put me on SNL. I'm be headlining and like didn't happen for you like I didn't get successful for like I probably it was probably like three years till we even

started come down in the year after that until it made some money and even then it was like other shit was slow going even though I had a podcast going so like I was headlining immediately it's not like I didn't get a TV I didn't get a TV credit till Netflix you know what I mean it was like she was going good so it was like it was just being in a positive place for me that made me believe in myself more and I think our friend here it's like if he does some stuff that makes him feel a little better and I mean that's that's all the acceptance is you right now who you are is good enough for a lot of people.

You just have to find those people and then just work towards being the best version of yourself while you're looking for them. Improve a little bit and just improve for yourself. And I think that'll help. I mean, I don't know. Seems like you're still not coming with the shirt off. You're still worried about it.

I've gained a lot more weight, but like, no, I'm not comfortable with my body at all. That's so interesting, cause dude, if I had a loving wife, dude, I wouldn't even think about my body as an issue. Like it's so funny how tied my body is to me for like. I hate myself a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's taken, you know, it's taken, if it's not about that, it's about, you know, like, like, have a set goes or something. It's just constant, you know, it's constant. And it's gotten better, but it's definitely rough, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just that you just find it as one of the ways that like, that self-loathing is just criticizing your body.

Yeah, and it is a form being self-involved too, you know? It's just a different, it's just the worst way to be self-involved. Yeah, I just find that so interesting because like Jay's the same way We're like big Jay's like, you know, he's fucking super successful He's fucked a ton of women in a good relationship and he still like worries about like Being around with his shirt off and I just don't to me It's just your body is so purely tied to sex. Maybe we got picked on more than you did. That's true, I would often flip it.

I often, like I, I think I was probably, but I did get picked off for being fat. I just also shit on people, which I feel like both of you guys could have done as youths. Yeah, I don't think we did though. I mean, I'm not super close to Jay, but I think that we both, you know, I mean, I got not I'm not super close to Jay, but I think that we both Yeah, you know, I mean I got picked on not really high school, but I definitely got picked on a lot Right, right middle school and gay father. Okay, you know that's gotta hurt

You he would have taught you snapbacks. Yeah, I thought you had to be like Sassy Firestone or whatever. Yes, yes, that's a good dad. That would have been a great dad. Yeah, that would be a great dad. All right, well good luck, but hopefully that helped. I don't know what to tell you.

Eldis, as a also ugly piece of shit, what would you tell him? I think you're handsome, Elvin. Thank you, thank you. That's because you want your dad to love you. Yeah, I think so. I think so. Tell you. Thank you. That's cuz you want your dad to love you Yeah, I mean just do stuff that makes you feel good about yourself No, fuck you eldest you've been able to trade on your height your whole life

You don't get to give this ugly motherfucker with thinning. I felt insecure Down in ship before I believe me, I know that. I mean, just like hit the gym, seriously, if you lose like 10 or 15 pounds, it'll be the same mental effects as if you lost like 70 pounds. Literally, I spent a week in Baltimore walking and I was like flexing in the mirror.

I was like, damn, damn, I look good, bro. I literally spent one week eating the right amount of calories and taking like one hour walks and I was like, God damn, it's working already, dude. Yeah, dude, any kind of progress will feel better. Anyway, whatever. Next question, fuck this guy. Hey, big stuffy, lovely little sexy elders. I'll try and keep this quick so you guys listen and give me an answer. Man, one of my best friends in my life, dude, known the guy 20 years. We've always been close. Our wives are close. During COVID, man, we've always been close. Uh, our wives are close.

Um, during COVID man, we became like so insanely insuperable. We talk to each other every single day. Wow. This sounds unhealthy. I don't know what it would be like to see your best friend every day to work with him, to travel with him, to even when he's done work he stays and hangs out and smokes weed and orders falafels on your couch. Wait a second.

You two seem like two great A-Homo's as far as I'm concerned. Anyway, go on. Each other, man. One of my best friends in my entire life. But over probably the past two or three years, this dude's entire fucking personality has absorbed, you know, Trump. I mean, and I'm not against it, man, but the guy is just like Republican or die. And it's just so fucking hard, man, to still maintain friendships with people

who just get so stuck in something and are unwilling to change. And, um, man, I don't know what to do it's one of my best friends in the world I'm not saying that I don't believe in some Trump stuff you know what I mean but this guy is just like modern day of Republican I mean anything like if it's tranny if it's gay It's so fucking exhausting And I don't know what to do man. That's tough. I feel like so quickly we stopped being best friends Fuck man Give me some advice

That is that that isn't tell me because like look I do think there I do think there's a and I think what this came up on a live call recently, but it's like People just are too quick to not be friends with people sometimes. I think especially now. It's like I have friends I don't agree with I just that's what happens like what the fuck you didn't grow up in a Like where did you guys grow up where everybody has the same fucking opinions and by the way everyone with your opinions is not a good person and everyone with different opinions than you was not a bad person right like just cuz you disagree over some stuff it's not the end of the world right having said that if somebody takes it too far and especially if they're doing like

hateful shit especially like like it's one thing to be like, you know, to have a friend that it never comes up, but if you had to guess, they're a little racist, like actively, you know what I mean? Like that's, that's, it's a lot different than somebody sending you like, send them back to Africa memes.

You know what I mean? Like that is a difference. That is a material difference of somebody who like, you know, if you have some fucking old, if you have a friend where it's like, somebody's 30 years older than you and they're like from, you know, from a farm or some shit or like they're from like, you know,

I have friends in Baltimore where it's like, yeah, you know, old guys where I'm like, yeah, I'm not getting into a political discussion about trans stuff with these guys, you know what I mean? Like, but if it comes up, I will say these guys, you know what I mean? But if it comes up, I will say no, you guys are wrong gently, but we'll agree to disagree, right?

Like if it doesn't have to get, like I'll just be like, he's a fucking idiot that can't change anything. I don't care, right? As long as he's not harming any of these people or he's not like too, you know, whatever. But it's like, as long as somebody, but there is a level, I do think a level exists where if somebody crosses it

You're like I'm just not comfortable with this shit man Like we just aren't if you're constantly saying racist homophobic shit. It's one thing to like tell an off-color joke It's another thing that just constantly be absorbed and sending memes and doing hateful shit It's exhausting to have to then also be the guy who brings up the other point too all the time, you know? Like when you just want a friendship. Exactly, you don't want exactly, exactly. You don't want your downtime to be like educating and checking people on their fucking

racism and fucking homophobia. That's annoying enough when you have to do it with your family. I think in general, there's people I know who are that way, they'll be that way, people'll be that way with the people I know that way with Biden and or like really pro-biden and I'm like that's kind of corny Well if anyone's purse anyone's pro-biden. Yeah, what the fuck are they talking about? That's crazy like

Like it's like it's elder abuse, but I know what you mean in terms of the anyone that's yeah, buddy I have a bit of my special Yeah, yeah, it's it's it's it's but it's like it's just like they're just they're civil servants, man Yeah, yeah, these people are really are like down for you. Well, and I mean certainly the main Trump, no, yeah, I mean and it definitely like the mainstream like yeah, you were any kind of any kind of like mainstream political like yes MSNBC fucking parents are Annoying a shit too, right like I don't want I don't want to be sent I don't want to be sent like ooh Russia memes, you know, I mean I don't want to be sent like Trump's taxes are coming out and he's done for like I

But that's also like a I do have this I do I do really believe that like the two sides thing is a little bit of a cop out where it's like I do think the far right is materially worse and like I And is like and like to me this is they're both annoying They're both as annoying but like if somebody was spending with like Rachel Maddow memes I'd be like you're a fucking loser loser not like you might like shoot a trans person It won that you might you might like snap and like hit a man who you think is like a fucking across dressers You go far in either direction. It's either like Franco or cultural revolution like it's bad Farther you get on either side it gets bad

So it's like you got to find and I I just think though, in this particular case, in this particular case, it just, because once a guy's in this, you can't really talk to him. Once he's gone down the meme, like sending you fucking like, you know, and like, there's something happens to people's brains where like, the trend, like, how is trans shit, how does that affect you?

How many trans people do you know? How is this a fucking issue? It's an exaggerated issue on both sides. It's so crazy that this is like, that Republic, and even the groomer shit, it's like, they're being, they're like, this shit of like, that's not gay people aren't, who's molesting people. It's literally Republican politicians.

It's pedophiles across the board. Well, it's just it's across the board. It's good, man. It's pedophiles and priests. Yeah, well, same for the screenplay. Stop plugging this fucking screenplay. Please. So look, yeah, I mean, it's really a matter of, I mean, I guess you can have some discussions with this,

right, but like, I don't know that I really have any close friends that have like, have gotten like, you know, more radicalized in a way I don't agree with. And I don't know how I would handle that. I mean, when it has happened, when I do have friends who like have differing viewpoints and say something I don't agree with, I do just make fun, I just bust their balls about it, right? I'm have friends who like have differing viewpoints and say something

I don't agree with I do just make fun. I just bust their balls about right? I'm just like you're fucking idiot. What do you even hear that and it's just like, you know good-natured whatever But I don't I think this guy's kind of it sounds anyway This guy's a little far gone his friend. It's it sucks because like all the rhetoric is so like Incendiary now that it's like when you have a guy who like gets this deep into this shit they like it almost becomes like you have to hide like certain parts of each other from like your friends when it should just be like like what you're saying like just call them a fucking idiot yeah laugh it off take it off and like

you know feel good that you can call them an idiot without like getting hit with a bunch of fucking talking points. No, no, no, no, listen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're a sheep, man. You listen to the fucking L. You still listen to the mainstream media, bro. Yeah. That kind of shit. The mainstream media.

So dude, it's really for our friend here, our caller. You know, I think, I think you can't, you're still his close friend and I think if he's saying shit that really bothers you or offends you or just you don't like, I think a gentle call out in a friendly way can hopefully restore some normalcy to your friendship. You don't wanna have a super serious like,

hey man, cut that out. Like that's inappropriate. Cause he's going to accuse you of being pro cancel culture then. He's going, he, a loser is going to accuse you, a man with no power of trying to cancel him for saying something fucking transphobic. So you don't want to like play into the,

you don't want to play into it, but it's like, and the other thing that I have found when I, when I, if I have friends with different opinions of me is like, I like to talk about things in broad terms that are not the rhetoric right like because there's a lot of you can agree on a lot Of shit there's a lot of shit you can agree on like whenever I have friends that bring if anybody brings up anything That's like you know anti-immigrant or even like woke shit. I'm just like dude. None of that is really the issue anti-immigrant or even like woke shit, I'm just like, dude, none of that is really the issue.

Inequality is the, like all this shit is smoke screens for inequality in America. And even like, and that's, I do think a big reason Trump is so successful and a reason that in 2016, it should have been Bernie Trump is cause there was a grassroots like, we want outsiders and we have been getting fucked, there's no way you can look at the mainstream political parties and say,

these people give a fuck about us. The rich are getting richer and we're getting fucked. And that is like, those are talking points that the far right and the far left 80% agree on, it's a matter of like, what do we do about that? Give everybody healthcare and maternity leave and paid time off or execute Mexicans. That are like put every man who's ever put a woman's wig

on in jail. So anyway. Which would make jail more fun. Which would, to be fair, the gay guys in there. The jail was just an unliving color sketch. That's pretty fun. Does sound pretty fun except except for, you know, the hottest guy in a wig who's probably

getting his ass taxed over and over again against his will. Unless he's into it, in which case, sounds like a party for him, too. So there you go, bud. That's our really good motherfucking advice about this. Alice, you have a fun one. What are we working with your pal and we want to say also folks go watch the special

anything else to plug then here yet check out a dance fatty dance is online right now and uh... you know my uh... podcast wrestle roasts i'm on there infrequently but it's a great if you love wrestling the best wrestling podcast. Go fucking listen. You fucking. Check it out. A lot of funny guys. Scott Chapin, Mike Lawrence, Robert Carpal. That's funny dudes.

We watched me and elders fucking in Baltimore. We were supposed to work. We were supposed to like work on eldest came my buddy Ben, uh, Ben who directed my special, Ben O'Brien, the consigliary of Stobby baby enterprises. He was visiting his family. And so we all met in Baltimore. We were gonna like work for a week and like do a bunch of shit. But because the Ravens lost, I was too depressed and we had one meeting. But one night we got high and just watched

the most recent Royal Rumble. Because it's on Peacock. It was a lot of fun, man. It's a lot of fun. I can give you which ones are the best in order. Not that you asked for that. That's good. the Royal Rump putting on old Royal Rumbles is one of the best Everyone's hanging out. Oh, we're high and it's just on the background. You don't fully have to pay attention But with something cool happens. I love the order. Yeah, I'm sure some best. We're gonna write these. It's perfect for 80d. Yes

Yes, it's awesome perfect for 80 day. Yes, yes. It's awesome. Alright. Well, play us a nice one. Nice one to fucking take us home here, eldest. Hey, stop. I have a quick question about dating. So for some context, I was in a long relationship for a really long time. And then before that went through like a, you know, mostly a hope base. So I never really done the dating thing I've never really been on apps we've been on a relationship and then was in that for a long time so I'm not I'm a

little nervous about getting started dating again so my question is really like what sort of things did you I like what red flags should I be looking out for? I feel like I'm vulnerable to just use bullshit because I really haven't tried to just like see. So I love your opinion on things to like look out for so I can try to find you know someone who's not a total fucking loser. Interesting, interesting way to approach the whole thing. She definitely wants to date you, I can tell. Yeah.

It's very flirty, that message. Yeah. I mean, where do you live? How big are your kids? No, they can be small. I do want to go on record. I do like small titties as well as big fat titties. Thank God you came out with that.

We've been waiting. We've been waiting. So first time, what are the red flags to look for? That's an interesting question. This woman's guard is up big time. This is a little, you're coming at a little too defensive, I would say. I'm not saying it's all should be about what you know, this is a look you're coming at a little too defensive. I would say I'm not saying it's all should be about

What you do, but I do think I do think your approach is a little negative here, right? It seems like what do you want? I don't like it's weird to start to start with the negatives of like what red flag should you be looking out for that? You're that you're really vulnerable to dudes bullshit because you haven't been out there I would say one new trend actually to actually look out for is men who have been to therapy and have learned to weaponize the language against women. That was a big one.

The Jonah Hill? Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yes. So talking about boundaries and shit like that and like, and what knowing that like, there was a, there was a,

there was a, the Halcyon days of maybe 2016, 2017, when I was getting out of, I was getting out of a commitment with just therapy speak. You know what I mean? Just pretty much. I've pulled that too. Yeah. My 20, I was an asshole.

Yeah, just the classic. Face tattoo, anybody with a face tattoo too. Yeah, I think that's a classic. That's a no. Although now it's turned around where I feel like some very gentle people have face tattoos. the classic. Face tattoo, anybody with a face tattoo too. Yeah, I think that's a classic. That's a no. Although now it's turned around where I feel like some very gentle people have face tattoos. It depends. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it's like Knights of Templar or something, you gotta get away from that. If it's like a weird little, if it's like a little rose that's mostly neck with a little face, you might be okay. If it's just daughter's face, no way. I don't have any tattoos, but I would be very interested in a heavily tattooed woman. No problem. What's so ever? Oh, yeah, I love that man. So I think yeah, maybe weapon maybe somebody who appears to be in touch with his emotions, but it's just using it as a smoke screen I

Definitely talk about I definitely will be like yeah I've I used to set the the bar low and I honestly I still Kind of do where it's like oh I have fucking look I have commitment issues and it's like just because you know it doesn't mean it's okay but a lot of men will get away just knowing it is an improvement I think you know what else in terms of general red flags I do think if you you know if you were if you were in a long-term relationship you missed there's a there's a big I'm sure you know about it,

the situationships, a lot of people are very happy to be in like a four, like you date someone for six months but you hang out seven times in that six months kind of thing. Yeah, situationships. Everyone kind of does have a roster these days, like where it's like, you you pop in you pop out shout out to the gals on the team so and I'm happy to be important I'm happy to be like somebody's part of the roster I love being someone's rock and someone's

roster call me every you're not a very jealous guy I'm not I'm not super I mean not right now but I do think if I was in a serious relationship I think there would like, I would like to not- The Greek would come out. Oh yes, I think so. I think there's a little bit of like, I'm just not engaged emotionally right now so I'm not super jealous or like, it is interesting because I've dated women who are in open relationships and it's like, it's almost like if that's the rules of engagement, if someone's like, hey, I have a boyfriend or a fiance, but I'll fuck you ever.

And I just know, oh, nothing ever is gonna happen, like serious between us, but we can, she can be a friend that I get to fuck. I can accept that, but if it was like, somebody I was like, I want this to be my girlfriend, and then she's like, that's great, I also would like to fuck other people. I don't think I can accept that.

Yeah, yeah. You know, because of the Greek, the villager comes out. The villager. The villager comes out. So, you know, I think that's some bit poly, you know, poly stuff in general, that's big out there. If you're not interested, if you're looking for a serious relationship.

But I don't know. I can't imagine dating again. I would be so into a nightmare. It's weird to me when people get married and they're like, all right, now we have an open marriage. Cause it's like, you want, you don't have to date anymore. You're married, you found someone and you're on Tinder.

You were free. Why are you coming back here? Also like the thing that a woman wants to hear least is, I'm married, but my wife's cool with it. Yeah. That's just a tumbleweed goes goes across the pussy with that reel. But yeah, so there's definitely some red flags out there, but I also think, approach it from a more positive perspective. What do you want? What are you trying to look for?

There's nothing wrong with taking your time in a thing, not everybody sucks in fucks immediately. You don't necessarily have to if you don'ts immediately, you don't necessarily have to if you don't want to, you don't necessarily have to get more serious than you want to with anybody quickly. Like if you're feeling a little skittish, it's okay to like put your defenses up a little bit and like go on some day, you know, really get to know somebody before taking, making anything more serious, whether that means

sleeping with someone or just, it means like spending the night at their place, everybody has their own sliding scale of what you want but you know, that is the problem with dating. I mean, you are vulnerable. It is, that is a scary, scary part of it. There's a lot of rejection, but I think more just think about what you want instead of being like here,

thinking of what you to defend yourself against, think about what you want, instead of being like, here thinking of what you, to defend yourself against, think about what you want, and then think about, and then it's somebody giving you those things, right? And if they're not, get out of there. It's that, you know, it's like, that I think is my biggest advice is something I, I wanna like, you know, I'm taking a little time to just kind of recenter, I feel like it's been

a crazy couple of years and I'm all over the place emotionally, so I'm not, immediately I'm taking a little time to just kind of recenter, I feel like it's been a crazy couple years and I'm all over the place emotionally. So I'm not, immediately I'm not looking to date seriously, but like, I think at some point this year, I want to just be a person, I'm not gonna be on the road, I'm gonna be living, I'm gonna spend a lot of time in New York, I spent a lot of time in Baltimore. And when that happens, it's like, I want to go at things with an open mind

and actually give them a shot, but if it's feeling like it's not happening, there's nothing wrong with just cutting it off and not being in a weird limbo. So I think just being decisive and giving things a try and then when it feels like they're not gonna work, being decisive and moving on, there's nothing wrong with that.

But, you know. It's very off-putting to be on a first date and feel like you're at a job interview. And like that you know that that person is waiting for you to fuck up. And it's like, well, why am I on this thing anyway? It's all right, we're ready to have all this against me. Right, right, right.

Yeah, you don't want to be on the date looking for red flags to eliminate this guy. For sure. You want to be on the date being like, ooh, that's cool, that, oh, that's cool. That's cool. That's cool. And then later on deciding, you know, making a decision of what and look, sometimes you might get hurt. That's the other thing. You're going to get hurt in dating. You just are. Yeah. Like it's going to be bad. There's going to be, you're

going to take a couple of tough L's. Someone you really like that you felt connection to. It's going to, maybe they were a bit of a sociopath or maybe they like didn't feel that connection or you're gonna re you're gonna read some cues wrong somebody is going to read cues wrong from you like that's unfortunately part of it don't let your fear of that stop you from finding something really good is for is really what i'd say which

and i've been guilty of that too i've i've done that and i'm i'm sort of projecting a little bit here maybe where i'm trying to uh... sense of your relationship ready right now. You're getting ready. I'm close. I'm trying to gear up I mean my life is more stable than it's ever been. I'm you know, it's like as fun as being on the road and Sucking random titties has been I think I'm right. It actually Like I liked my last one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Have a home to do some a titty I can build put a above ground pool in the backyard

Don't titty you can build on Foundational titty that is true I want a foundational titty to fucking build my life on top a top of so yeah, good luck good good luck, buddy It's gonna be tough, but I believe in you All right, I'm feeling good Good for her. I think that's gonna do for us Dan. Thanks for coming brother. Thank you so much. Super fun.

Yeah man, I really appreciate you. Yeah, go listen to the podcast and watch the special Dance Fatty Dance. Dance Fatty Dance. And we will talk to you guys next week, bye bye.