Stavvy's World - #72 - Liz Miele and Carmen Lynch

Episode Date: April 15, 2024

Liz Miele and Carmen Lynch join the podcast to discuss their storied past as roommates, doing standup comedy in Pakistan, their first time meeting Stav when doing gigs in Baltimore, getting worn down by the comedy life, having a classic short & spunky/tall & aloof friendship, and much more. Liz, Carmen and Stav help callers including a cancer patient who has dreams of becoming Hugh Hefner, and a man whose girlfriend doesn't like how often his ex texts him. Visit https://www.thefreezepipe.com/ and use promo code STAVVY for 10% off you entire order. Say goodbye to harsh smoke forever. Watch Liz Miele's comedy special 'Murder Sheets' out now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ftaI0VJCF00 Follow Liz Miele on social media: https://lizmiele.com/ http://www.instagram.com/lizmiele https://www.youtube.com/user/LizMiele http://www.twitter.com/lizmiele http://www.facebook.com/lizmielecomedy Watch Carmen Lynch's comedy special 'Queef Week' out now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxPGfnOg4Bs Follow Carmen Lynch on social media: http://carmenlynch.com/ https://www.instagram.com/carmencomedian/ https://twitter.com/CarmenComedian https://www.facebook.com/CarmenComedian/ http://www.youtube.com/c/CarmenLynch https://www.tiktok.com/@carmencomedian Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Oppa! Welcome everybody to Staffi's World. 904. 800 stop. I always forget. It's a Jacksonville area, but we just got to go say stop at the end, so I always forget. Anyway, call in, we'll solve your problems. I'm very happy to have on the couch this week, we have Liz Mealy and Carmen Lynch. Very funny comics. Me and Liz, I mean, it's crazy because I feel like you would come to Baltimore, like Maryland really, just kind of randomly, you were like a comic from New York that would just do gigs in Baltimore.

Like we just met when I was like really, pretty early on in comedy. Yeah, no, I think I've known you 10 years. Yeah, at least, for sure. Because, so my older sister went to GW and she's lived in like the DMV area for like 20 years Oh, wow, so I there's a lot of people that almost think I'm a DC comic Yeah, because I would come like two three times a year cuz I remember to sleep on I remember Yeah, you would come and it was like it was cool cuz it was like these were really I mean the open mics

I started were really dog shit just really bad stuff old Uncle Dave. Yeah. Uncle Dave. Yeah. Elvis remembers Uncle Dave. Oh yeah. He's a cool guy. Oh man the local Maryland like open mic like these people had egos because they were open mic bookers and it was like crazy how insane but they were like compared to New York open mics you could actually do there were people there so it was like good small room at the Arlington draft house that was awesome with like Randy and Andy and then Ramin had a bunch of me shout out to Ramin Mostafavi he has great rooms of it is uncle Dave the one that was like in the back of that restaurant or like do you know what I'm talking about where you go down some steps? Almost all of them were in the back of a restaurant down some steps. Everything like I started in a fish restaurant followed by a wings restaurant. Like there was all like but yeah uncle

yeah he was just like he just had a bunch of whole I mean they were good whatever but it was just cool because you would come down and it was like when you start doing comedy anywhere but New York just someone who's been to New York you're like oh my god she knows you probably knows Conan O'Brien you know it's like it's like turned for it yeah it was like it was like we were such commoners and it what you're a good comic it was cool to see you because it's like oh this is awesome but it was like, oh, this is awesome. But it was like, anyone could just like, people would, other people who were worse at comedy would just come and pretend.

They were like, it was like a really, it was funny to see people have like ego trips and be like, cause you know, they were probably failing here and they were, they would come down to Baltimore and be like, yeah, it's tough up there. But it was cool. You were always awesome and you, you know, had great advice and it it was cool to watch you and then that's how we also met because you you guys have been friends forever yeah right which roommates which is so fun that's like I love on the show to have people that have their own because always fun to tap into a different like friend vibe onto the show it also made

me laugh because he emailed me he's just like would you want to do it Carmen I think you guys are roommates or your enemies. Just let me know. I Remember you guys were connected somehow. I'm like that bitch? I hate her but fine Well, it's always funny because people that are it is very volatile because 90% of time It's great and people are pumped and then 10% I asked that and it's like Nah, I can't do that and it's like clearly some horrific falling out has happened but yeah it is cool you

guys it's awesome to have so how did we meet I think just through through Liz like you would because she she figured out like oh there's no good comics in Baltimore so I'm gonna bring my friends to be able to headline these so it's cool you were like you had like a little was, I met a lot of good comics, but yeah, we probably met again, one of those horrible, you know, these promoters were just like paying your comic like $300 to like headline or whatever. And it was just like, you know, so it was cool. But yeah, yeah, no, they were fun. They were fun. That was, and I didn't meet a ton of a ton of good comics But yeah, it is crazy to be like oh this per I definitely feel Getting old cuz I'm like oh, I have like decade long memories that feel like they were yesterday

That's new you know what I mean where you're like that was ten years this person who I feel like I just met It's like oh, yeah That was one decade ago or that was I have 20 year old memories and that's fucking wild for me I think also in this like business like I Carmen Elizabeth thrilled to have you here in the same room that I am But before we keep talking I just wanted to tell you about an American owned company with over 100,000 happy customers. That's right, The Freeze Pipe. Visit thefreezepipe.com and use code STAVI

for 10% off your entire order. Pipes, bubblers, bongs and more, no matter what you're into, there's a chilly solution at thefreezepipe.com, use code STAVI for 10% off. Now what were you gals saying here in New York City? I think I I saw Carmen the second show I ever did Rose's turn do you remember Rose's turn which is this bar in the in the West Village that had a really high stage So she's already six feet tall and there's a high stage and I swear she was like a unicorn I was like I did like I walked in and I was like, oh my god, I'm too young and too tiny

And then over the years I heard her name and then we became friends and roommates But it is like I have a very strong memory that the second time I ever did stand-up. I But it is like I have a very strong memory that the second time I ever did stand-up I Interesting the weirdest part though is when you see people started after you and they're starting to look old Yeah, you're like how old am I? I feel like I do that I that happens a lot. I feel like I have caused a lot of Existential crises because I keep looking like shit I just like just I'm just like don't take care of myself and like I feel like a few people remember me from like oh cuz I was like I still open for Bobby like we had

Norton on here and I was talking about like how I liked him when I was a little kid and like for a guy like me to be like I loved you when I was a little kid you must be like oh I'm on death's door. I trigger a lot of those but yeah it's and's uh, and you also, you guys have both spat your, your specimen out for awhile. Carmen Kweef week. Yeah. Yep.

Great name. Anytime you get in there, I think that's perfect. Cause it's just not like us. It's just like dirty enough to not get, but YouTube doesn't understand it. Maybe you slide through I had someone look up queef to make sure We do diligence It's on Mark Norman's podcast Yeah, he loves that word saying queef so we looked it up on his

Page and he has a video that went viral that says queef sure like it's it's fine. It's perfect No, I think it's just walks the line just right. I love our business though. They're like, yeah, I had a really busy week. I had to research queef. Hey, mom, I can't talk right now. I'm doing real research. I'm missing the recital.

I have to talk to a queef expert. I have to talk to a queef Google expert. But the funny part is I'm doing the Spanish one one and people are like, well, what's queef in Spanish? And they don't have a word. Right. So it's queef week is la semana del pedo vaginal, which is the week of the vaginal fart.

Which I'm like, I'm not going to talk about. That's right after the running of the bulls, right? It's kind of Like the female equivalent every these guys just running from women queefing Can you keep your hat on while every woman in Barcelona queefs at you? Yeah, then you when you get to kill it. What did you name it? If you're just Carmen Lynch in Espanol because I want you know, I want people to know they want people to think it was a porn To think that that's like my Spanish as a native, because it's not perfect. So they're like, what's wrong with their Spanish?

He talks like an eight year old, because I lived there until I was eight. So they're like, oh, it's en Espanol. Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it, we get it. That's interesting, because like, and you also have a special coming out, but I do want to, that's also fun, because you're like a crypto foreign person person because you just look like a white lady

Yeah, but you did have and Spain is also just a fascinating place. I'm like is like it's it's sort of like I mean it is foreign I mean Greek is the same way where it's like but I feel like I let Spanish people have less of a like defined like There's no like stereotypes But I feel like Spanish people have less of a defined, there's no stereotypes. I think part of it is because everyone thinks of Spanish because of Latin America and America mostly. And so it's like no one really knows what Spanish people,

everyone knows that you say, it's fun to be like Barcelona or Ibiza and that's all you know. And then like, so it's just like interesting, but let's also plug your murder sheets. Yeah, murder sheets. Coming out, what's the date? April 2nd.

April 2nd. Love it, watch it. It's probably already April, it's past April 2nd, now this is that right? Or is it the week before? It's about a month today. No, it's not. You know, we're.

No, cause they're taping. Yeah. Oh, oh, sorry. Anyway. It's not even December. No, no, it's okay. Edit, edit. It's all right. It's out now. It's out now. Oh, oh sorry. It's not even December. No, no, it's okay. Edit, edit. It's all right. No, no.

It's out now. It's out now. I gotta pull up the schedule. It's doing so well. It has a gazillion views. It's actually, you can leave actually. And she's also doing it in Spanish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

El Barcelona. El Barcelona, that's really well done. So wait, I didn't realize you lived. I knew your mom was Spanish, but I know you lived there till you were eight. I was born in America, but we live there because my dad was in the Navy. So we lived there until I was eight. And then we moved back. Station there. Is that how you met your mom? Classic.

He met my mom in Barcelona off a ship. He was on a ship and he and that's where I did my Spanish special. Was where they met. Whoa. So that bar is still there Yeah, that's weird and she's looking for her husband. Yeah That's what that is a classic like just meet a lady in a foreign country and then just he's doing her bring her yeah Bring her back. She didn't even speak they didn't speak each other's language That's awesome that goes show you like what is was important to your father.

Her relationship is like perfect. I can't even understand when she's complaining. She's hot. She'll fuck. I can at least smoke hand signal, let her know when I'm trying to smash and everything else. She makes some paella and I'm good to go. Well, they only went out four times in about a year and a half. So I it's funny, this came up during Dan Soder's podcast,

and that's all we talked about for like an hour and a half because there are these letters that they wrote each other in between those four dates. And we were like, what's on those letters if they don't speak the language? Yeah, we're like stick figures. Your dad traced his penis. He's like, cover your tits in charcoal and press them on a big sheet of paper and send them over. But it's like there's no Google Translate. There's nothing.

Are you going to the library and you're just trying to figure out what she's saying? And then there's also just the idea of like, I don't know, like dudes don't even text back. Yeah. They're writing long letters that you have to get translated. This is wild. It is funny, there used to be,

you find if you read some book from the 1800s, it's like platonic friends are like, I long to feel your, to grasp your hand and draw the same breath as you. And now it's like, sup, what you up to? You know, like what I am, which, yeah, I don't know. It is funny how quickly it's deteriorated. It hasn't taken long.

Everything's like much more visual. I guess when you didn't have pictures constantly, you had to like use your brain and write shit. You had to be creative. But yeah, that is so interesting that they would write letters and I guess have a friend translate. My mom had a friend. The night they met, my mom had a friend with her and she translated.

Ah, interesting. So somehow it worked out. They're still together. That's crazy. That's insane. How old was your, how old were they? When they got married, they were 28. Oh, okay.

All right. That's actually- She's like old, which is really that's actually I was about to make fun of them because it's like oh They're dumb children That came up on we were talking with diversion. I'm trying to write a bit about this where it's like my whole life It's like you wanted to everyone's like takes Relationship advice from grandparents really seriously. It's like, oh, they have so much wisdom. But then you think about it, it's like, these are people that probably married the first or second person they fucked. And it's like, they don't know shit.

Or not even fucked. Or not even fucked. You know what I mean? Like, they literally showed up on time and they're like, I like that one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. It's like, they just didn't know shit. They just had no options.

Like it's not a Coincidence that as soon as Facebook started so many people started cheating everyone like they would look up. Yeah They're active. It was like yeah, it was like 50 year old people were having affairs. It's like yeah No, your grandparents didn't know shit. They just didn't have the opportunity to cheat They just didn't understand how to do it. It was too like Complicated too hard and now they're like cheating made easy anyway that is interesting 28 is like yeah that's pretty that's so all right maybe maybe I guess maybe they were both desperate I don't know what it is but

it what your mom really wanted to get to America she wanted to leave her family that is it is always funny cuz sometimes situations like that, you're like, oh, they just wanted it, like they did want to leave their family, they wanted to get out of like wherever they were. And it's like, that feels opportunistic. But then it's also like, but if it works and everyone's happy, who cares? Like, it's kind of nice. It's kind of nice to find.

And it's almost a romantic where it's like, oh, this person was like, my ticket out. I love them even more, not for who they are, but what they provided for me. And I'm sure it's both. But you know what I mean? It's just like, but it does get hard later. Like my sister did the same thing backwards. So she went to America, fell in love with a Spanish person

and moved to Spain. Wow, that's fascinating. And it's pretty crazy. And my therapist says it's not a coincidence. No way. Of course not. You're a therapist. Anybody who's ever heard that story can tell you that.

Yeah. You think that was just random happenstance? I mean, I find it like, I don't know. My mom went through a lot when she did it because she couldn't be near her family. Right, right, right. So when my sister did it, it just kind of triggered my mother.

Like, what are you doing? Well, it's almost like I left for a better life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like it's got to be like she probably because I definitely relate to my you know, my parents came here from Greece when right before like a few years before I was born, they came in like the 80s and my dad, I was born in 89. They came here in 82. And my dad has complained my whole life about how like you I'm away from my family

It's kind of he just likes to complain and I could totally see your sister probably being tired of your mom Complaining about how hard it was. Let me like watch bitch Shut the fuck it's not that hard Fluent my sister speaks flu fluent languages, my mother didn't, so she was like I got this, but now she's going through it because you know my parents are old and she's like you know. But what is actually really interesting because I know your relationship with your boyfriend, your boyfriend moved from LA to come be with you in New York so everybody in a relationship did some kind of voyage. Well he says he did it for his son but I always give him a hard time. I'm like in a little bit me. Yeah. But anytime he's at a party he's like well I moved back for my son and I'm like what? You're like cutting yourself in a corner and you're like okay.

That's awesome. That's hilarious. Yeah that's fascinating that everyone's moving but you're you're staying put you're not going anywhere I tried to leave but I just don't like it anywhere. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, when did you guys what was how long we were like roommates? We were roommates for three years and it was more or five five years. Yes, because I had just gone through that breakup Yeah, we used to go on double dates and then my boyfriend dumped me and then and it was like. More, five. Five years? Yes, because I had just gone through that breakup. Yeah, we used to go on double dates and then my boyfriend dumped me

and then she like held me and then two years later she broke up with her boyfriend and she was just like, I think I wanna move out of my place and I was like, I have a place. Yeah, it was so creepy cause I was like, I think I need a new environment and then it was like, ring, I have a room.

Yeah. And I was like, did she kick out a roommate? I love her so much. This is my favorite part about Carmen though. So, you know, it was a three bedroom and it was like a medium sized room, but she lived by herself, you lived by yourself for like 11 years. So it was a big change for her to like come live

with somebody and I show her the room. She goes and talks to her therapist and she goes, my therapist says that I should sleep over to see how I feel. And I was like, and you know, I'm, we're girls. I was like, let's have a sleepover. So I like planned like a whole weekend for us. I was like, we're going to the beach.

We're going to go for a run. Like can you tell I can't make decisions? My therapist is like, try it out. Yeah, you're a recruitment visit. Liz is like rolling out the red carpet. It's like, that's not. My therapist is like, try it out. Yeah, you're a recruitment visit. Liz is like rolling out the red carpet. It's like, that's not what life is like. We didn't know each other that well. Oh, interesting.

A little bit. No, we used to go out. We were friends, and we would go on double dates. But you know how comedy is, where at first you see somebody at a show a couple of times, and you're like, oh, they're funny. They seem nice. And I almost asked her out to become become friends because there was one week where we had like four shows right right and when we would always walk to the subway

together and then it would be like oh well I'll see you around it is nice you know it's like you get to almost like micro dose friendships with people because it is intent like those hangs can be intense like there are people that I have probably spent cumulatively four hours with but I've known them for 12 years and like I know like when their parents died and it's like it's not like a you really get into it there's no everyone is just open to it and then you're right it's like sometimes those can be really those can be you like well let's hang out outside of it it's like wow this person rocks and then another time you're like, oh, I've made one of the biggest mistakes

And now Ian finance is my friend forever I can't shake the fucking guy no matter what This was like aggressive in a good way You want to go for coffee and do you want to go do this and see a movie and I was like aggressive in a good way. I was an aggressive friend. She's like, do you want to go for coffee? And do you want to go do this and see a movie? And I was like, I'm the opposite. I'm like, if they want to be my friend, they'll just come over.

Sure, sure, sure. That's really bad. Yeah, I get that. But I did, I courted her for quite some time. She courted me. Yeah, and then we went on double dates together. And then she was, she was, had like a small thought about moving.

And I was like, I have a room, come over. We'll have a sleepover. There's no ghosts. Please be my roommate. Yeah, yeah, yeah small thought about moving and I was like, I have a room, come over, we'll have a sleepover, there's no ghosts, please be my roommate. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you guys are a great, like, you're a classic, like, friend couple. Yeah, it's like a classic, almost like, it does feel like it's like a cartoon thing where it's like the little spunky one,

like the tall aloof one, you know what I mean? I mean, me and Elvis have a very, me and Elvis are basically the red and yellow M&M so I know I know what that those relationships are like you know I've Carmen like pretty much saved me but like I am I'm very angry I'm like I'm like a tiny chihuahua like hey bud yeah yeah yeah it's gone the other way, too. Like, you've saved me. We've definitely balanced each other out.

I had a therapy chair. I literally just had this chair I'd had for like 15 years. And both my old roommate, Chris, and Carmen, they would knock on my door, and they'd be like, can we do therapy chairs? And I was like, oh, yeah, buddy. And they would just rant about like, Chris was a photographer. And he would just rant about models. was a photographer and he would just like rant about models and like Carmen would come in and be like I hope this booker dies.

And I'm just like okay let's work it out. You can tell who had the big room. I had a therapy chair. I love it yeah. But it was it was I mean it was probably one of the most important because it was ten years into my career and I was you know I think we all hit that kind of place where you're just like I don't like either I'm gonna quit yeah, I'm gonna figure it out right and I don't think I was on the verge of quitting But I was on the verge of being bitter totally because there's definitely a time where you're like it's not fun anymore

It is your job, and then when you're like, well, it's this thing I used to love now is my career and it's not going well So it's not making me it's not fulfilling me like it used to when it was like a hustle now It's the thing and then it's like oh, it's my source of income There is definitely that point where you're like, oh am I gonna live like this forever? Like something has to change. Well, at first, it feels like it's you're on a high. Yeah. You discovered it. I remember I didn't even mean to do stand up like I was living in New York.

And I was like, what's this for acting? Oh, cool. And and I was frustrated because like all the I'd get a callback and the guy was like, five to. I'm not going to get that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I went to a show and I was like five two. I'm not going to get that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a show and I was like, oh my God, I thought people on stage were just funny all the time. I didn't know they wrote jokes like I knew nothing about stand up.

Yeah, people still don't people still like so you do. You just make that up every time. It's like I'm I'm on the road. I do four. I do like six shows a week. And you think I do six hours of improvisational being hilarious. Mrs. Maisel and they think Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People just walk on stage and just go, I had a horrible day. Huge laughs. Yeah, stand up. And anyway, sorry to cut you off, but so you're you're on the callback. Yeah, so you're like. Oh, so then I decided to do standup and I was like, what's this? This is amazing.

And then it was this like, like I got married to standup without even real. Like I just got, it was a high. Yeah, yeah. Which is funny, because the last time I felt that high was when we came back from the pandemic. And I was like, oh my God,

I haven't felt this good about standup in so long. I'm like hugging comics I don't like. I'm like, come here, bud. I was so happy for like two months just to be like indoors and telling jokes. But for me, like 10 years in, I had to actually, because I was so miserable that I had to figure out what was making me, I couldn't figure out why I was upset.

And I realized, because a girlfriend of mine that was like not a comic, like I knew her from high school, was like, well, if you hate comedy so much, why do you do it? And I was so mad at her, because I was like, I don't fucking hate comedy, I fucking hate comedy but it made me realize like I love comedy I love the puzzle of joke writing I like getting up I everything about comedy is great the business makes me soot so totally just genuinely just

it's like constant rejection and it doesn't make sense and you know the just the the pettiness and the sadness of being like but I did what they did why are they there like you're just and I couldn't. And all the sociopaths you need to like. Oh, my God. Any entertainment thing is like so many people are like so they like look like if you can't help them, they're looking past you. It's like half the people you meet, some really great people. And even the great people are wildly mentally ill.

And the only ones who aren't mentally ill are sociopaths that are just like, how can I get this next thing? And like, how can I use a person for it? Is I get that I totally get it. And I think when you're a genuine person, you're just constantly getting hurt. You know what I mean? So I did. I felt like somebody would ask me for something. I'd be like, they want to be my friend. Like I was a puppy dog. You know, I chase Carmen like yeah

Every time somebody talked to me I was like, oh they want to be my friend and then they would blow you off and you're like Oh my god, I'm a loser. Nobody wants. Yeah my friend. I'm bad at this like or some creep is trying to fuck you I mean that's for women in comedy It's like stories about that because they would always want to go after Liz. Yeah. I don't know if I just scared them. And I was like, never their target. It was always Liz. She'd come back and she'd be like, so and so wrote me and I'm like, leave her alone.

I won't say who the comic was, but one of my strongest memories is I was at Caroline's and I was hosting and Joe List was featuring and I went to go shake his hand and he held onto my hand and Joe goes was featuring and I went to go shake his hand and he held onto my hand and Joe goes, not this one.

And I was like, oh Christ. Oh my God. And I was like, what? Jesus, yeah. No, it is such a, it is, yeah, it's brutal. So when you guys are like 10 years, so you're saying you're at this point and that's when Carmen was sort of like came in and when you were struggling with all that stuff well we were living together and it was actually when her career was taking off

and that's such a hard place to be in where you're happy for your friend this is like a big moment I'm aware that it's a big moment and I'm miserable so you're like smiling and she'll be like how are you doing you're like hold it in and hold it in and I'm you know I'm, you know, I'm better now with therapy, but I wouldn't say anything and there just be this moment. She'd be like, how are you? And I just be crying at the kitchen table for like two hours. I don't know.

I don't understand how she continued to ask me how I was. I could see it in your face. We need to talk. And it was, it was the therapy kitchen too. Yo, therapy kitchen. Because I remember therapy apartments. There were moments. Cause I got, I think I got Letterman while we lived together. And it was it was the therapy kitchen to you know Kitchen because I remember therapy apartment

It's because I got I think I got Letterman while we lived together And I was the first one and it was all like it was one of those moments where like cuz there was so much skin There was actually a lot of scandal around Letterman where it was like they weren't booking female comics Oh, yeah, any real or whatever yeah, and she was the first female comic They booked afterwards and she murdered like I there's there's just like with you know how it is with your friends like you you couldn't be more you're happy yeah you're actually happy yeah but you do it's also hard in this business where all of a sudden you're like nobody's taking anything away from me but it's just very obvious I'm not there either you know what I mean and

it's like how do you maintain these friendships and I it took real work and real therapy to be like I want to continue to be friends with people and be proud of them but I am struggling to be a mature adult about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was really, you know what I mean? Like that was over 10 years ago and it's, I think this business you can go one or two ways where you can grow as a person or you can go down that path of being a psychopath. Well, give me some-

I think I was on the psychopath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well I was going to say, give yourself some credit, I'm sure the rest of your life was going bad too. At the time, like, it wasn't just your career, you know, I'm sure everything else was going bad too. Bad relationships. We've talked about her family,

you have a weird family too. You have like a bizarre family also. You have like a jacked old mom I feel, I remember. My mom is a bizarre family also. That's valid. You have like a jacked old mom, I feel. I remember. My mom is jacked. Oh my God, she's a badass. My mom's pretty dope.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm one of five kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my mom got into power, she got into CrossFit and then powerlifting. So she's like. At what age? 50s is when she started to do CrossFit

and now she's in her late 60s and she powerlifts. Like my mom was a competitive powerlifter. That's. I think that she can deadlift like 320 pounds and she's like not too much bigger than me. I think she should be your security guard. Oh I joke about it all the time. Absolutely. She I mean she's incredible. That's so wild. Yeah. Yeah it's really impressive but like she was also scary as a kid Yeah, it was like one of those things where I was just like what well, I'm glad you got fit later But yeah, I mean I'm one of five kids there's so much mental illness in my family So it's just like one of those things where like I was very scared that I was gonna lose my mind And I was very aware of it and I never told anybody my feelings Whatever and it's so weird because I think we all are pretty honest on stage. Mm-hmm, but

You would get off stage and you tell and you wouldn't say anything to anybody And I think it took me a long time to like people would be like you're so open I'm like, I'm so open and then realize I've never told a boyfriend a feeling Took me so long to realize that I could be one way in one situation and another way in the other and it I was Quite I started comedy really young but I was quite immature Emotionally and I think creatively for a long time So I do feel like it's taken me a while to like catch up Yeah, but I also think you're very mature because there are moments where like Adrienne and I, it's the three of us a lot,

and we are like, mom, what do we do? Yeah, well, that makes sense. That checks out, having three people taking turns, two people, one person takes turns just being the responsible one, and then it's like, you only have to be responsible a third of the time, because the other two are kind of taking up the slack. For sure, I mean, I can't tell you how many times I'll call up Carmen,

I'll call up Adrian Apolucci, and I'll just be ranting. Like, just fuck this person, da da da da. And you know it's bad when Adrian's like, I think you're wrong. She's like, I think they're actually being nice. And it's a real wake up call where you're like, I might be overreacting. Yeah, yeah. Adrian Apolucci for everybody. Really funny comic also.

But also, yes, a person that I would say usually would want vengeance. So she's the one who's like, you need to chill. No, it's the problem. Yeah, that is. So when you guys were roommates, what was the main dispute? Was there ever a living dispute? I was always the messy one.

Although I would get pissed off because Eldis was the second messy. So we've been roommates, we've been friends forever. And we had, it was me, him, our friend Christina, and a comic that Ryan shot actually. And Christina and Ryan were like clean people. Also from Baltimore area. Yeah, I remember Ryan. And Christina and Ryan were like, Christina was messy for a girl, which means she was the cleanest one in the department.

And Ryan was pretty like orderly whatever and I definitely was the slob but Eldis was not that far behind but he would take cover in that it all of a sudden when it's time to clean up the apartment it's like three against one it's like let's relax Eldis you're just not as bad as I am I could do my dishes just a little bit more than stuff. Just quit, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also he was more aware of the dynamics. So like he knew when Christine was about to explode

and he would conveniently do a dish. On the day we're about to get yelled at for not being clean. I believe these dishes are clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, so that was a big, I would always get pissed. I would always literally bring that up whenever it was time.

Like, look, I will clean more, but I need you to yell at Elvis a little more In this conversation him to take a little flack right now. That's all Great oh he's wonderful and I lived with Chris for 11 years But and it's funny because he now has he lives in the apartment I moved out of still, and he has two different roommates, and the girl that took my room is the messy one, so now he's apologized to me twice. Cause like I'm, I don't think I realized,

like I'm a pretty clean person, I'm not like 100%, but I would say I'm at like 70% clean. And my roommate, cause after she left, I lived with my sister's best friend, John. So John was like, would do the dishes, but like was kind of dirty. And Chris was like, this isn't my problem. And I would be on the road.

So, you know, you'll be on the road for three weeks. We had a dishwasher, which is like magical. And I'd come home to a pile of dishes and I was like, guys, we have a dishwasher. And you know what I mean? And it's like dirt. I shouldn't have to wash a plate when I haven't been home for three. And that's where I would like lose my mind. And so I you know, I love these people. These are

my friends. And I kind of got myself down to like where 40% of clean was what I did. And I would explode at anything less than 40%. And then I moved out and I live by myself now. And I don't think I realized how much I was suppressing like my cleanliness, cause it's like so important to me. And I didn't, but you know, you learn dynamics where it's just like, is this fight worth losing a friend? And you pick your battle. Yeah, for sure.

It's like a relationship. But I think, I think for us, we didn't really have like issues. I'd say they'd be more like little friend issues. I don't think we had roommate issues. We'd have- The only main roommate issue we had is that she had this wonderful cat, Pasta.

Yeah, Pasta. And Pasta- Rest in peace. Pasta. I loved Pasta. Pasta was my first pet, cause I never was, no one, my parents were like, you're not getting a cat or a dog.

So Pasta was like my baby when Liz was out of town, but she was like only when Liz was out of town. But she was like only when Liz was out of town. She was like, oh, you're good enough now. And I'm like, fuck you. Like, ah, she like whined in front of my door. You were a side piece for pasta. Yeah, but she was great. And we had a web series, all three of us,

called Apartment C3, which really, I mean, it was a training ground. I learned so much about editing and just sketch writing and working with others, because ground like I learned so much about like editing and just like writing and like working with others Because we work by ourselves so much. Yeah, but my favorite one of my favorite silly memories is You know, we had one bathroom and I was in the bathroom my cat if you want bathrooms brutal Yeah, and if you're bathroom three people's But um, I usually possibly would usually be in the bathroom with me

But I think I had a pee and I shut the door and Carmen took a picture of pasta sitting outside the door And it's waiting just wait. It was like God the bathroom line is so long Literally be just like wait for it. Yeah, and I was like I think I was triggered by that attention. I'm like what about me We have like a sibling rivalry Yeah We have like our sibling rivalry that's hilarious over my cat That's so funny do and it's like I mean, oh we had we had two bathrooms here But remember the era when the when the main bathroom was perennially it was like you never knew if it would flush Yeah, there was like a time where that would just get clogged and it was nothing you did. It was just like every

400 flushes it was getting clogged. Yeah, we never you're like and it was never like every 400 flushes, it was getting clogged. And we never, and it was never like a system. Yeah, we were never like, well, this is no one's fault. We should all pitch in. It was always like, ah, ha ha, clogged for you dickhead. You gotta clean it. And then it wouldn't get done. And then we would just be like sneaking into the, you know, I think it was, was it your bathroom at the time, this one?

No, it was Christina's. Oh, Christina still lives here. Oh, the other one. Yeah. This used to be a main. This used to be the that's the master bedroom. Yeah. That is one thing that I I just there's something that makes me gag. I cannot unclog a toilet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Don't don't be friends with Elders. Literally, you place. I've got a place in Baltimore, the first time he was like, can I use the bathroom? He was like, Hey man, I think I'm going to go walk and buy a plug. We didn't even have it. We had just moved in. There was no furniture. Elders had clogged it before we had a couch in the house. It was more noticeable. You don't have a plunger in every bathroom. You had to walk to the basement, grab it from there.

I love the idea that he's like, I'm gonna get a coffee and a plunger anybody need anything? Anybody? Thank God the new place has a hysterical amount of bathrooms so Elders is welcome at any time but yeah he is the most the man has clogged more toilets and we don't know what it really is. I feel like I feel like in that area you're talking about we also went like hilariously long stretches without having a single plunger in The apartment. Yeah, that is true, which is like why are you playing that game? I don't It was brutal here It was like I look at pictures that were taken in this apartment and I was like, oh my god

That's what it looked like in here cuz like we've made it kind of nice now We bought like nice furniture, but it was like remember that fucking disgusting Ikea couch Oh, yeah, great couch that we got used. Yeah, it was my bed when I was subletting somewhere Yeah, some girl it was her bed that Christina used to live with yeah, and then it was like just our cow You you broke it. We just didn't fix it for like a year It was I mean, it was a very everybody's like first couple of years in New York City because it really is like hey don't sit on the right you'll slide right off. There's all these little rules, hey don't use that bathroom it clogs you can pee in the sink but only a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cold or hot water do not use the warm water. Do not put it in the middle. I do not want to tell you what happens. Like it was yeah, this place was so so hilarious. But it also sounds like you guys were together at a fun time where it was like, you're going through a breakup. It's almost like the, like how Stella got her groove back time. That's a fun time to have.

Because if you were living alone, that's a fun time to have roommates. Because it's like almost like a second, like adolescence kind of vibe where you're like, it feels like a party here. It's a college. I feel that way because I was living in New Jersey. Oh wow. So moving to Brooklyn felt like cool.

That's hilarious. But I think the other reason I asked my therapist what should I do is because I was going from living alone for so long to moving in with three, like three of us. Yeah. And that just felt like, yeah. Yeah, like am I being stupid about this? But it's interesting cuz I I it was such an important time in my life. Like it was one of those things both like But it was we were we were both single.

We were both kind of trying to figure out comedy. We were both 10 years in and like just both being like, I don't think we're bad, but we're definitely not great. You know what I mean? And that's such a I think the biggest thing is people don't understand what a career comic is. Right. Like, you know, who famous people are. Yeah. Like we know who our parents like watch. But like this this middle ground and like now it's getting even, you know, wishy was. Like we know who our parents watch, but like this middle ground,

and like now it's getting even wishy-washier with like YouTube and TikTok and all that stuff, but this middle ground of like making a career but you're not famous is just like this place where like it was so hard to explain to other people, and then I'm like, am I making up this path? Like, so I think just having a support system and like, you know, having somebody that I could come home after my long 20 minutes.

Oh, that was the best. You know what I mean? You just bombed or somebody just blew you off and you just feel so bad about your career and you could just sit with somebody and they like either understood or they like, you know, I think we both are pretty good at pep talks. Yeah, pep talks fun. Yeah, and we're actually very alike and at some ways we're not but in some ways We're very alike and it's just we actually live together before social media to like it was like Instagram started when we were living together Yeah, so we have a little bit of that like where you going tonight? Yeah, are you gonna promote it? Yeah?

That's so funny, and I mean I know you're saying was about like that But the I don't know if it's the good news, but I think people understand more because just the middle class in America is disappearing for everyone. For sure. It's like it's like people get it now because it's like, yeah, you're either rich or you have to work at Amazon and not piss in a bottle instead of for no money. But you know, it's interesting, the pandemic actually gave me a lot of perspective because, you know, all of us got into this career and every single person was just like, that's pretty risky. What are you going to do? That's not going to work out. And then the pandemic happened and people with good jobs got laid off and couldn't work. And I was just like, oh, that's weird. I got Zoom. I'm doing corporate gigs on Zoom. I did pretty good during the pandemic. Yeah, podcasting took off in a crazy way.

Oh my God. I was doing shows in a playground. I think I did that in Fort Green Park. Yes. What was so great about that is I, this is a humble brag, but I had just done The Tonight Show and I was like, now I'm in a playground. You got to love that, though.

That is that was hilarious. Yeah, I know it is. I mean, there is. Yeah, everyone just did. It is a reorganization of things going on, but whatever. Yeah, it is interesting that I definitely think things. I mean, I remember we were talking earlier about like not knowing what do you want to do or whatever.

I will say during the pandemic, I was like, oh wait, I am the happiest I've ever been. And like I am really struggling with the like, do I want to do stand up comedy? Like I do, but it is ruining my life. There's no way around it. And like this year is the best example where it's like, I had a great year. I was very lucky with a lot of different things, but I was also like the least health,

like the more successful I got, it was like, ravaged my health, ravaged like my relationships with people where I was like, I was happy at the end of the pandemic when I was just like grilling every day, going on like long walls, like seeing, going outside, going to the park and shit. And I'm like, should I just retire? Just like a podcaster, which sounds horrible.

Like I say it and it makes me want to throw up. But I am like, but when you're in that moment, it feels right. I remember going, that was a good run. Yeah. I'm going to do next. Yeah. Like, do you ever go to like, so I have these fantasies of like, should I just go to fucking Greece and just like Live by a beach and like who like I probably have Greece is pretty cheap I probably have enough money for a shitty island life. Yeah, not the good islands, but I could go on the ones No one's you know, you know one like gay people haven't discovered yet

You'd be like no gay people know like rich sheiks that go to Mekano or whatever like I go to some little secret ones you're at a place where like cuz like my like I used to be like I had to constantly be on the road because I was like paying my rent like hundred dollar gigs at a time and now I try to do every other weekend if I can and then just there's a natural lull during the holidays there's a natural lull in July and that's when I kind of do nothing but like my dream for me personally is to tour like Jim Gaffigan where it's like three months where you tour kind of in the middle,

then you're off for a couple of months and then like another three months. And you know, it makes sense. Like my tour looks like- And bring your five kids. And bring my five kids. Well, you need more Hot Pocket material. Yeah, yeah, no.

I'm trying. It's on your vision board but I haven't heard a single thing about being Catholic. I haven't heard like, there's a way to get here, Liz. But I guess what I'm saying is that you're at a point in your career where you can make your schedule the way you want to. Do you feel that you're in scarcity mode? Because what? I don't know. I guess I haven't

thought about it. Yeah, there's a little bit of like you're scared when she starts going good you're like, well if I stop it'll go away a little bit. Like that's the fear. But also like, I don't know at this point I don't really give a fuck about that and now I'm like I need to fucking it's like I gotta get healthier like for sure because if I see because like there is a I mean there is a So many examples. It's not even like it would come out of the blue. It's like every fat comic dies Wouldn't be a surprise. There's no like, everyone who gets fatter the more successful they get.

We know how it ends. And it like, if you add heroin in the mix, it ends quicker, but if you like, it either ends like over an overdose or it ends in like a tour bus where you have a specially made bed because no hotel fits you anymore. Those are the two options. So I'm like alright let's just chill a little bit but whatever we'll be fine. It'll be I am I am uh I don't want to be when they show a clip of you dead this is what they show. I'm like, all of a sudden, I'm like, and she smiles. I'm like, just smiling as you talk about your death.

And his friends didn't care or warn him. No, no, that's what the show's about, please. We don't have to talk about comedy. Let's talk about more morbid things we've done, the dumbest things we've done, the most insane. My landlord just died. That's cool. And he's Greek.

Oh, so it's a tragedy. She was, I love, I mean, I didn't know so much about Greeks until I've been living there with my boyfriend for about six years and he brings food over all the time. Everything has so much salt in it. Yeah yeah yeah. But so cool he would just knock, leave the plates on the stairs. That's awesome. He was like 75. Yeah yeah. And then we would just run down and get the food. That's so sick Yeah, Greek people love doing that kind of shit. They love like the feeling of family where it doesn't really exist They love like over sharing. Yes becoming close pretending you're closer than you are like that's all classic stuff But alright, I always offer drinks too. They're like he's like you want the little yeah

My boyfriend doesn't drink, he's like, you want the little? And my boyfriend doesn't drink and he's like, ah, he doesn't drink. Come on, just a little bit. That is, yeah. But I was gonna say, cause I'm Italian and I do think the Italian, Greek, and then even Spanish, it's like, it's all kind of like both visually, like we all kind of look the same.

Well, Spanish gets no, like Italians are way over represented in media. We it's so like can we stop. Yeah. Can we stop with all the pride. People are too people are too proud to be Italian. It's over the top. Greek people are in a nice place. Yeah. It's too much. It's like I and I love mafia movies but literally if the Godfather and Goodfellas don't exist. I do think the world's a better place. We have to listen. We have those the less Italians fucking pretend they're in the mob and whatever yeah, but there but and Greek people I think we're in a nice place where it's like everyone knows a Greek a Greek person everyone's been to a diner It's like a it's like a little fun a Greek person, everyone's been to a diner, it's like a little fun, we're like a little,

we're kind of, we're like a salt, we're like a sour cream and onion chip, you know? It's like, it's not exact, it's not chips, we're not everywhere, but it's like fun when you find it. Whereas like Spanish people, I feel like no one knows anything about the culture, about like, I don't even know, you know? Don't you feel like it partially,

it's because there are no like I know there's Spanish people here, but they're mostly Latino. Like when I'm around, when I do like a Latino festival, it's always like, where are you from? Where are you from? Where are you from? Where are you from? Spain? Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're the conquistador. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the oppressor. You're the ancient oppressor.

But but yeah, there is like usually most shows in America and New York that are Spanish or Latino. Yeah, it's almost like the Spanish people are the only, like Spain is the only like colonizing force that actually got like penalized for it. You know what I mean? Like Britain doesn't, but it's like, cause Spanish people were like.

Yeah, anywhere you speak Spanish you're like, sorry. Yeah, yeah, it's like no one respects the original one. They're like, do you know this? Do you know this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you guys have been sort of, your empire has been like completely erased in a weird way where it's like England and like,

you know, whatever. It's just like, it's very, it's interesting. It's like, I don't know anything about I'm sure there was interesting ancient Spanish shit I mean I guess that's part that's why Greece and Italy probably it's like the Roman Empire the Greek Empire it's like I guess Spain just kinda got swept there's no I mean you did have I don't know there's just not enough ancient shit

maybe people love ancient shit that's part of it I mean there is ancient shit I'm really bad with history, but yeah But yeah, usually it's like oh Barcelona is so pretty yeah I'll just stop talking about it. Yeah, and I mean I was in Barcelona for 24 hours, so I'm I know a lot Yeah, yeah, I just I mean that's the only because when I tour overseas It's like I want to feel like I'm somewhere else yeah like the architecture in Barcelona. You're like oh my god I'm somewhere else and then you go to in Barcelona, you're like, oh my God, I'm somewhere else. And then you go to Madrid and you're like,

this is anywhere in Europe. You know what I mean? So it's just like, I think depending on where in Spain you go, do you feel like they have culture? I don't know, I've never been, you know, and I'm interested in, I do kind of want to check it out, but it's like funny talking to a Spanish, somebody who is Spanish and it's like,

yeah, I don't know anything about actual Spain. It's gorgeous and the food is amazing. Yeah, I'm going to go. I'm going to go this. You should go like a flamenco show. I love it. They're also like, have you toured Europe? Not really, no. You should do it, man. It's like, honestly, like it's really fun. There's like honestly, there's like six comics that, you know, I mean,

it's like me, Carmen, what Dave Hill, Todd Berry, Judah Friedlander. There's like a handful of us that that like, you know, clearly famous people. But like on a small level, like I do like 100 seaters and it's yeah. I mean, I'm going to May. It's like my favorite thing. It's really sounds like a little little vacay that you get to call a work trip kind of. Yeah. And you're like, you'll be surprised, especially because of the Internet, because of like Instagram and YouTube and stuff like I have I mean I started touring Europe like 10 years

ago but you do accumulate a lot of people that come out and see you and you're like oh my god like I've never I've never been here before and if you know 150 people came out to see me and you're like how do you relate you know what I mean like you're in like Vienna and you're like how are you yeah why are you laughing at my bullshit and it really is, where I started to kind of build self-esteem and really did start to build my career 10 years ago was going out to Europe. And just being able to see the world.

Cause like we all go to Ohio every year. Why, why are we here? It is brutal. It does suck. It is pretty funny though. Cause like I went to Berlin and Vienna last year and something happened at the airport in Berlin, there were no flights, so we had to take the train to Prague and fly from there and it sounds so braggy, you're like, and then I had to take

the train to Prague. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, no, that's really what I had to do. It also is weird how close everything is in Europe. Yeah, totally. It really fucks your sense of, like how, you know, it's like a day trip to go to two countries away. But I took it, I think it was a four hour train from Prague to Vienna to do shows. I was in first class and it was 35 euro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, am I a hero? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is insane. Like they're like offering me sandwiches. I was like, give it to someone and coach. Yeah. I like.

Well, good for you. But redistributing your wealth. I'm out here. Yeah, I'm a hero. But I don't know. I just that had been both the best thing for like my comedic self-esteem to be able to realize that I was universal, but also just what it like, oh my even this if I've peaked,

if this is where the farthest I'm going to go in my career, like my parents have never left the country And I've been yeah Jokes and people paid money to see me Yeah, like I've been to it'll like at least four or five cities in Italy and my parents have never been yeah You know that keep fucking doing deadlifts What's that passport look like What's that passport look like? No, I know what you mean.

There's like, there is just, I guess really what it comes down to is there is something to like success in whatever will not make you happy is like something you hear when you're a kid and you're like, well, I grew up poor. That's can't be true because I'm not happy. My parents aren't happy. I'm sure if they were maybe a little successful, we'd be happy. It's like, no, no, not at all my parents aren't happy. I'm sure if they were maybe a little successful. We'd be happy It's like no no not at all like it won't and it's like that is true where it's like you want to find the life You want and it's like yeah, that's what makes you happy

You're just doing the stuff you like the fact that you can support You know as long as you have to worry about money as long as you can support yourself and you're living a life that is Fulfilling that's the that's kind of the thing that I'm trying to get to at this next level where it's like okay Shit went better than I even thought right like I thought it all I wanted was to headline B clubs funny bones I wanted to be exactly funny bones my my my alma mater Mugubis Joke House 2012 comedian of the year not you know no Brad Mugubis Joke House but yeah so it's like but now I do feel that way of like, let me just

let me just live a life that I'm like, yeah, this is fulfilling and nice. And, you know, and it's full of surprises, too. Like we both went to Pakistan like the same year. That's crazy. And it's like, hey, how was your trip? OK, what we're going to pack. What's the bag saying gig like? I mean, it's the worst food poisoning I've ever had in my life. Just so you know, I lost five pounds, but it was incredible.

Like, that was the thing is that, like, they take you to do like a couple of open mics just to kind of get you ready before you like headline shows. And there was one that was all women that were like asking me questions and like we're just like so excited that like there was a female comic doing like jokes and stuff but then you would be in the audience and there's women that are completely covered from head to toe laughing at your jokes and you're like this is wild.

Yeah, that's insane. It was such a cool experience that's like I'm not gonna vacation in Pakistan. Like there's no way. Well you can because someone is in the truck with you with a giant rifle. Oh dude. Like we went to McDonald's, there's a dude with a gun.

Holy fuck. It is insane. Everywhere outside the club, there is rifles outside your hotel. Somebody's holding rifles. We actually, when you do a tour and it's women and men, they have to put you in a hotel that's shittier because the good hotels are for only men. And I was like, what? What? Yeah. are for only men. And I was like, what?

Yeah, we had that. No, our situation, I was with Will Sylvaince and another comic from overseas, I forgot his name, but Will and I stayed in one hotel and then this other comic. The woman and the black guy. The woman and the black guy had to stay in the bad hotel. The other comic had to stay in another hotel

because he brought his girlfriend and they weren't married. So when Will and I would check in, he'd be like, I'm not with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm like, stop saying that. That must have been refreshing for Will to be like, ah, finally, a place where being a woman is worse than being black.

Yeah. Yeah. He's like, no, no, no, this is riff raff. I'm not with this riff raff, this female riff raff. I don't know her. Yeah, that's insane. Yeah, the dude's only hotel is so funny. That's crazy. Because it's also like, even in a patriarchal society, you're like, wait, the guys get like a higher thread count and better lotion? For sure.

I was like, shouldn't it be the other way? But also, my landlord, my Greek landlord, for Christmas one year, he gave, he always gave us gift cards, which I know is weird to get like a gift Yeah, but my boyfriend's was a hundred and twenty dollars It was crazy that's hilarious The only other thing is like whenever there was something do like the electric bill or whatever he would always give it to him At least with Greek with Greek chauvinism, there's some perks. Yeah. You're like, I don't pay for any of these bills.

One year, he got a gift card and I got this wallet. It was definitely like a re-gifted wallet. And I was like, what the fuck am I gonna do with this old lady wallet? That was probably like his aunt's or Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, well that's crazy. It sounds like what you could use is To smoke weed out of a very cold bong lucky for you We're sponsored by the freeze pipe. That's right our friends at the freeze pipe calm

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Everybody at home use the code Stavi get 10% off now. What were we talking about? I Love it. Well there we've only scratched the surface There's both hilarious stuff to talk to you get more stuff to talk to you guys about but we should take some of your expertise clearly you're both in therapy guys you know you're big so uh... we can fix you yeah yeah uh... and let's take these perspectives we got a lot of we got some questions to get to sell this why don't you play some uh... questions here for us pal uh... the elvis what's up guys love the the podcast. I've been binging all the old episodes as I found it.

Absolutely hilarious. Thank you. So I consider myself barely bisexual. Nice. And I've had this friend, best friend, we just graduated college together. We were friends way before college. We essentially left the same religious cult There's a lot of trauma bonding there and I think she's a person I've been most vulnerable with and shared the most about like my inner traumas and issues and stuff and Essentially a week ago. She approached me and said that she's had a crush on me and asked me on a date

she approached me and said that she's had a crush on me and asked me on a date. Now initially I was like we can all empathize with having a crush and not knowing what to do when you're close to them and you don't know when to ask. So I sort of felt bad but I was going to reject her because I'm not attracted to her. Now after I rejected her it sort of shifted to like her using everything she knows about me to try to get me to go on a date with her. So she'll say things like, you've only been in toxic relationships, so you don't know a good thing when you see it. Oh no. And I feel like that's kind of manipulative.

I don't know. I don't know what to do. I think it's going to be weird to hang out with her did I just lose a best friend what do I do stop help me out oh also bear in mind she lives directly across the street from me we will live there for a while damn well you know this is this is kind of like I don't I feel bad for our caller here, she's in a bad situation, but it is almost like, it feels like society is moving forward where even women can be incels to other women.

Like even like, this is like- Bro, you don't know how good I am. It's like it's usually- You've never had a clit like this. Yeah. It really is like, this is bad for you, but it is like, it's almost always an ugly guy getting rejected by the girl he's been pretending to be friends with for years to try and fuck. So this is the, she's breaking the glass ceiling

in that regard. Well, what's kind of interesting is her being like, you've only been in toxic relationships. You don't know what it is. It's like, yes, you're you just got to have a cult. You don't know what good is either. Yeah, you don't know shit either. Yeah, absolutely.

But I mean, this it's an easy one. It's so easy to walk away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right now, because like the truth of the matter is, is like, it never feels good to get rejected. And I don't I don't know how old she is. So it's just like I I know that we get rejected with comedy all the time, with dating and stuff like that.

It takes a while to be able to be like, hey, whether this is about me or not, it doesn't matter. But if I say no and you can't take that answer, I don't know, we're not gonna be friends, dude. That's not okay. Yeah, it's like, even, it's pretty hard, I think, in general for a true friendship to recover from a rejection, but if it does, it's like,

they ask once respectfully, they take a shot, you say no, and they legitimately go back to treating you the way things were before. This girl has already not done that. This girl has already not taken no for an answer. She is literally, she's behaving like a fedora reddit guy right now And like that's the thing and look also to her you both have a weird you both had a weird upbringing you Traumabonded like there's a lot going on here where it's like even this girl might just have some kind of weird

Psychological attraction to you that she's also physically attracted to you. This is just messy in general where even if you were attracted to her, I'd be like, this is kind of weird and a red flag. Like, I don't even know that this is necessarily a good idea in any context, but specifically this I think all you can do is like firmly say, hey, we can't bring this up anymore. You're really important to me as a friend, but if what you want is not platonic, all I can offer is something platonic,

and we should maybe take a break from even just being friends for a while until things sort of settle, I think is the way to handle it. This is actually a gift, because to know that you're toxic even before you start dating, to know that you're the wrong person

even before you start is actually really good. A lot of times we don't figure this out until we're three months, six months a year. Yeah, so say thanks to her and walk away. But also my last thing is like, I don't think you can lose a best friend. They, you know what I mean? They just never were. You thought you were close, but you're not. So I think I've learned that some people are in your life just to get through a moment, and you've run the course, and then a true best friend, you go through multiple versions of the show.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys never made out, like you said. Yeah, don't make out with your best friends. We need to join a cult. Oh my God, we're gonna make a cult. And the other thing is, you both might need a completely fresh start because like you escaped the cult, you're like you come with this weird religious background like whether you like it or not you're also both kind of a link to that life and I'm not saying

you can't ever have a relationship but it's, it might be good for you just in general to completely unplug, untether yourself from any reminders of that life. Find who you are, just completely separate of that, and then like see how you're feeling. But yeah. Or just kill her. Yeah, just like send her back, tell the call where she lives.

And then be out of town for two weeks. But yeah, got to get out of here. There's no exactly you didn't if you didn't lose a best friend If she's acting like this, you just lost someone who's been trying to fuck you for a while What else we got big held What's up, Stobby baby now be I got a proper not a problem but Maybe it'll be I got a problem or not a problem but Have been with a girl for almost eight years now coming up on eight years and this last few months I happened to

Inherit basically a mansion four thousand square foot ginormous fucking house I've also had testicular cancer so I only got one nut. Oh, but you're good? And that one nut doesn't work. I do not come anything out my dick. Thank you for using technical terms. So, you know, sitting around, not working, not doing anything anything looking at this ginormous house This makes me want to be Hugh Hefner Love to have four different only fans bitches just running around this house Take care of everything Hold on well. I just you know you're not rich, right? You didn't buy this house You probably can't make the pay the tax can you afford the taxes on this house. In fact, you probably can't make the pay, the tax,

can you afford the taxes on this house? Like this is, anyway, and the one nothing is so, such an interesting wrinkle, it's like, because you can't get anyone pregnant, you think like that's, well, since I can't, I can, raw dog, of course, I can't get anyone pregnant. This is, do you have, we can finish, but do you have something you wanna interject?

I mean, there's no furniture in this house you have something you want to yeah yeah there's a huge TV I'll tell you that much there's a giant TV there's a PlayStation 5 but yeah go ahead let's finish this bad boy up she's just running around this house take care of everything paying all the bills they're paying the bill well I walk around in a nice kimono, making coffee, smoking wats. You're not capable of doing that. But I do love this girl. I mean, we've been together eight years. I mean, she cuts my fucking toenails. I love her to death. I don't want like, I wouldn't want to leave her,

but I don't think she's going to, you know, be along with the idea that I should be a huge F-ner. What are you talking about? Want some advice, Davi? Just want to know maybe I should go down this route of being Hugh Hefner Stop saying Hugh Hefner. Stay with my partner and live our lives the way we have been appreciate the Listen, Davi Please you can take your first crack at it. She needs to leave you.

100%. My advice is to her? Yeah, can we cut to her? Give her your number. Yeah. She needs to, ow, Jesus, dude. This is crazy. This sucks.

This guy, I honestly do hate this guy. Because it's like, okay, first of all, I don't know, man. It's like, it's one thing to have this like weird little fantasy of like, look, whatever, you're beaten off and you're, you want to pretend you're Hugh Hefner and that, but what do you think happens? Like, what does he think having four women, Hugh Hefner was a billionaire. Like you inherited this house. He had a magazine. He had a magazine. He was, this house. He had a magazine. He had a magazine. He had a robe.

Yeah. He already had a nice smoking jacket. Let's say you had all the resources in the world to do this, right? It's still kind of a sad, do people, when they think of old age Hugh Hefner, do you think people speak of him with respect? Or do they think like, man, that was was fucking sad that old guy went out that way like it's just like that's not a dignified life

It's a fun look it would be it would it be a fun couple months of your life to live in a huge house with a Bunch you're essentially saying you want to buy Prostitutes, I guess like you want sex workers to live with you I guess you think you're going to hire them right like you're not saying you have the fucking Rasputin like charm because basically what he's talking about is like he said paying the bills like they're taking care of him like what the fuck are you talking about you think you're gonna be a pimp to hot women who also fuck you because your aunt who invented

something 80 years ago didn't have any kids and left you a fucking house? I just, the like level of um... Delusion? Delusion and like weird like entitlement is just crazy. I just don't even know where to begin here. And it's like you have a person you've been with for eight years and you're like, well, should I stay with her or what? Create the first nude magazine in the sixties and become a cultural icon, have billions of dollars and have four women who, by the way, since then they've had like every single

woman has come out hello like memoirs they're like it was it was living hell it was weird it was creepy I felt like I was fucking my grandpa like yeah none of this is good man you have none of them cut his toenail yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah every contract they leave that out So I guess I am really wondering like what do you think? Part of me feels like maybe he inherited more like it does feel like he might have some money here sure But even if he does have money, I mean there's like this is like immature like yeah, yeah, I have somebody that I he can say I genuinely love her. We have a great relationship, but I have this fantasy and it's like sure but maturity is relationship but I have this fantasy and it's like sure but maturity is deciding do I want to build a life with somebody or do I want to live like a like a

fucking teenager and it's like if that's what you want to if you want to live like a teenager and smoke blunts and yeah I don't know fuck people that are half into you That's not a horrible life. It is pretty fun for a few years. I look at you and I think some people need to grow up. Has anyone cut your toenails? Hey, maybe I'm starting to see things his way all of a sudden. But no, you're absolutely right.

You're right. I'm tripped, I guess I, you're right. I'm tripped up on the fact that he even thinks he deserves this. Like, that annoys me because it's like you just inherited a house. But it's like, even if you could pull this off, it's an empty, shallow life. And you're just like, now maybe he is like unhappy with the way his life is and the only way he can even conceive of, he can't just be like, do I want this relationship? Am I actually happy in it? So he's like, oh, it's either this or I'm Hugh Hefner.

Maybe he can't just have a quiet moment of introspection and be like, oh, I inherited this. I have for the first time in my life financial security. And it's like maybe this is changing the way I feel about my relationship and should I think about these things? But he can't yeah the way though the way he's thinking about it is very childish and like you know He's using the testicular cancer. That's a fun one, too. What is that? Yeah, we didn't need to know that at all Yeah, the only thing I can think of is that he literally because he can't nut he's not scared of getting someone pregnant

That's the only or thing or he's looked death in the eye and was like I deserve bitches But he didn't make that argument right he literally was just saying I don't come out of my dick That was what he thought we should know not like and after you know after wrestling the Reaper I think I need I deserve to have a five-way Four strippers, that's not what he said which I might be more sympathetic towards If he made that argument, but yeah his like the pride He has in the house He didn't earn and the complete contempt for like the eight-year relationship is weird

so I don't know man, you got a lot of shit going on your whole way of thinking is fucked up and We do feel like your girlfriend should leave you last two emails both are like run One was the caller ones the yeah what I've learned Yes Therapy is that when you start reaching out like researching on the internet reaching out to friends asking questions You kind of know the answer right absolutely a lot of the times when people call in most of the answers are like have the conversation with the person you've been avoiding yeah almost like 80% of our

calls are like that it's like yeah have that hard conversation and it's like I'm gonna talk to a man I've never met before and tell him my problem because this is the solution. So for you buddy, it feels like you need to do a little more thinking about what this desire is the root of because it's really impractical and childish and I don't even think you believe it. I think you're trying to half be funny but half, you half are asking for advice. So really take a look at like what are these feelings, what is making this fantasy happen and like be honest with yourself. And you know, are you having doubts about this relationship? Are you having doubts about something else?

I don't know, I can't, if we were talking to this guy in live, it would be one of those calls where we break down how wrong they are immediately. And we actually get to like what the root of the problem is. Have you been to therapy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm really proud of you. No. Have you been to therapy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm really proud of you. No, you break things down well.

Yeah, you really do. I've been to a lot, I mean, I actually just got back in the mix because that's part of the last year where it was like, now I was like getting like, well, it's like gaining weight, but it was also like, I just stopped therapy because I got busy and I was like,

oh, I'll reschedule. And then I looked up and it was like one year and I was like, oh, fuck. So we're getting back into it. But yes proud of you You stink right now, but hopefully there's something underneath here there Hopefully, you know what there's more than meets the eye because if if our surface level read of you is right You're just a kind of a dumb piece of shit I want him to blow his life up and try it cuz he clearly doesn't have the swag to he doesn't have

What's gonna happen is a woman is gonna steal your social security card Yeah, like you're gonna get yeah, it's gonna be so bad They're gonna like use his mansion to save money on like Oh f like yeah, you know like house rentals Yeah, is that gonna be like getting sucked off left and right? Not at all. No, he might get a couple begrudging hand jobs what else we got big LD hey star the LD and esteemed guest slash guess thank you for taking my question today so I'm in a bit of a predicament with my girlfriend of one year and three months. For context, I know you always ask, I'm a 28 year old male. So what happened is basically she's had this problem with someone who used to be in my life in a romantic way a long, long, long,

long, long time ago, but no longer is. This individual doesn't even live in my state anymore. And this person texts me every once in a while during holidays or during my birthday or something and they seem like perfectly innocuous texts. Like, how are you doing? Happy birthday, merry Christmas. It really has put a bad strain on my relationship with her because she doesn't feel, you know, trustworthy with this person, you know, she being my girlfriend right now.

And basically like, you know, we've pretty much agreed that I need to either set boundaries with this person, with this other person, or cut her off entirely. Burn the bridge, cut her off, never speak with her again. And I mean, look, I will confess, I'm not the hardest guy, you know what I mean? I'm not like the toughest guy in the world. I think I'm a little too nice, admittedly, sometimes. How would you go about it, you know? Another thing I need to add is that she recently

texted me and asked, oh, what are your New Year's plans? Hey, what are your New Year's plans? I can't even, this is pissing me off. Come on, man. Your girlfriend is so right, it's insane. Like, we all, what do you think a happy birthday, happy Thanksgiving, happy Christmas text is? it's always trying to fuck your ex That's the way in every time

Dating 101 it's so clearly like they're giving you the like before Instagram stories existed That was the Instagram story was like now it's like a heart on an Instagram story is like oh interesting Whereas like if you get a response to happy Merry Christmas, you're like, oh, I got the response. Interesting. My ex-girlfriend, I didn't get, she got a boyfriend between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I got a happy Thanksgiving. I did not get a Merry Christmas text.

That's the thing. Is this girl dating someone? Like this is, I mean, I know you're asking how to go about this But I just need you to understand how right your girlfriend is and how these texts like this from an ex solely exists to try and fuck you one last time cuz like there is a little bit of like your Grandfathered in with an ex where it's like if you fuck your ex and you're both single on like Thanksgiving That's who cares. It doesn't count You didn't you didn't add another there's no new body

There's no that doesn't like they've already get they're already in the tally marks You're like you can feel good about it Like I just need to this is the amount of time he said this has pissed me off and now he just said something about New Year's Well, she asked for New Year's plans. Yeah, and it's like come on But also at the end of the day, your girlfriend is basically saying, hey, how am I supposed to trust you? Yeah. And we're slowly building,

you know, a year, a little over a year, you're still building up a trust. And if you can't clearly set boundaries with other people and you're allowing this, what's the word, temptation maybe to be out there, or you're not this, what's the word, temptation maybe, to be out there, or you're not being clear with this person and showing that you mean something, like she's important in your life,

then he's gonna, every time you text, it's like, okay, when are you gonna tell this girl? Allowing temptation is so right too, because it's like, I'm trying to lose weight, but it's like, somebody sent me some chocolate bars. They're in my house still. I've had chocolate in the last week. They need to go away.

Yeah, you want some of Mr. Beast's chocolate? You have two women on this show. We'll take your chocolate. But also, if you really care about your girlfriend, this shouldn't even be texted to you. This is easy. It's a no brainer. Like why can't you see that you should do like what your girlfriend wants?

Fully, fully. Well, I think to his credit, I think let's let him finish. Cause I do think he's asking, how do I go about it? I just, I was so pissed that he, the interjections of how naive he was being, that I just felt like I needed to call that out before answering his question. She wants me to have a nice Christmas.

Yeah. She says, should Jesus be with you? Yeah, she's very religious. Yeah, let's finish this up here, Aldo. She recently texted me and asked, oh, what are your New Year's plans? Hey, what are your New Year's plans? She texted me that on New Year's Eve and I saw that I still you know three days later

I still haven't responded to it and I see this text and I'm like look you're just trying to get attention I think like I Opened my eyes. That's what it took to get attention at this point. Maybe he's just a dumb guy. What should I do? What's the I get?, easiest way to, you know, set boundaries with this person, you know? What's the best course of action I can take here? Should I simply set boundaries? Should I burn the bridge?

You know, thank you for your help, Dobby. This might be his first relationship. One other thing- That's true. Please, please, please come to Flappers Comedy Club in Burbank. I swear to God. I was telling you really wrong. I can promise you that will never happen.

If I'm in Flappers, bro, shit's going bad for me. I'm in Flappers. April 13th. I was in Flappers. Everybody on the left side needs money. So much so I don't have Netflix specials. Go see them, they'll be at Flappers, come on. Yeah, here you go, you can have the new fan list.

So how does he go about it? I mean, I think the easiest thing frankly Like you don't take like He's not texting his exes this I think the easiest thing to do is like to even say Because here's the thing about these texts the other person maintains plausible deniability when they send them They're not you can't be like you can't be like fuck. Stop trying to fuck me bitch, I have a girlfriend, right? Cause then it's just like, hey, I'm just trying to be nice. I just wanted to say hi. Right, right, right, right, right, right.

But you can, not to say you can throw your girlfriend under the bus, but you can do it in kind of a nice way. You can be like, you literally can be like, hey, you know, I wish you all the best, but I think the frequency of your text messages is making my girlfriend uncomfortable and I don't want to hurt or hinder this relationship by continuing to talk. I think it's best if we kind of stop talking.

You know what I mean? You could definitely say that. I personally, go ahead, Carmen. No, I was going to say you don't even have to bring up your girlfriend and be like, I don't feel comfortable. This is not what I do. Just put it on yourself.

This is not what I do. And we need to stop doing this I I honestly truly think because he said he he said the New Year's one is the first one He hasn't responded to to me if you just answer don't respond like that's the thing. This is not someone in your life Delete her fuck like just you can even block her if you really wanted to and just whatever it's like It's like yes burn the bridge bro Because if you're not burning the bridge you are keeping that like toe and you're keeping like you're just keeping an eye on your on The backup plan for this relationship

That's what your girlfriend is sensing exactly if you if you really were a hundred percent into this relationship You wouldn't keep this door open. Yes, and I think in my from my view Having a real having the conversation almost elevates What's going on here? It almost makes it more serious than it is like being like hey? We need to stop texting is almost like it's not cuz he a little bit to his credit even though He's naive it's he has been kind of like you know he's not really responding whatever, but it's like I forgot He's 28 He's old baby. Yeah, he's like. Yeah, but still he should know.

He's old enough to not do this bullshit. But if this is his second relationship, he's 28. If he dated this girl for a couple of years and now he's with this girl. My brother's 28, he's a dumb dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's fair, that's fair. I would personally just stop responding. But the only annoying thing with that sorry is really fast

is that then they'll go like, why aren't you respond? I've had that where they're like, why aren't you responding? And it's like, can't you get a hint? Like, I'd rather respond to that. Like, that's I know. I know you say it and then stop. Yeah. But I was gonna say on that same effect, I'm very anxious. And so I had a breakup, like one of the worst breakups I had one of my like my first relationship breakup and he broke up with me. But like, whenever you get drunk, you'd be like, Hey, and I couldn't not respond to him so the best thing that I did is I kept it was the same response so he'd be like

you know you're my best girlfriend everything we'd and you I would just be like thank you so much I wish you and your family well That's so awesome. That's worse than no response. I know. I know. Exactly. And I wouldn. That's your dad. Exactly. And I wouldn't deviate from it. So for three months, like once a month for three months.

And I was single. I was heartbroken. I really, truly loved him. Good for you, yeah. But he was fucking with me. And so I couldn't not text him. But I kept it to a script. And I never deviated.

And he got the hint after three months. Interesting, interesting. So that's the other thing is if you just want to be like, you know, Merry Christmas. But you know, or like, or you just like you keep it so flat that they get nothing from it. And the other thing to also realize, like he's made like it seems like it's finally gotten through his dumb skull that this she is. This is not these are not innocuous texts, you know,

it seems like he's finally understanding that. And by the way, if you haven't let this be the time We're telling you these are the ears are not innocuous text But the other thing is like ultimately these are three options that you can take and I think what you should do is Because this is to prove to your current girlfriend that you have her back ask her out You she'd like you to proceed right like like be like look I don't want to talk to you at all if it was up to like if it was if I was In the situation I wouldn't be because I'm not a fucking idiot I'm not gonna like keep texting her back if you know if I'm in a relationship

but if I was what I would say is hey I I think what I would like to do is just like stop responding to her I don't you know I don't really want to have a I don't want to elevate this because it does I From my perspective is innocent like I'm just gonna stop responding to her. I don't want to elevate this because it does, from my perspective as innocent, like I'm just going to stop responding to her, I'll even block her number if you want. But would you prefer that I tell her, like would you prefer that I say, hey, I appreciate these texts,

but I think it's, you know, it's better to like, you know, I'm just kind of in a relationship. I just, or just like, I think we should kind of cool it on these texts, they're a little too frequent, you know for for the let for where we are in each other's lives like we're not together anymore, and it's a little much for me or I think like that's you have to ask her what she would like because again personally I'm on team Just stop responding. She'll get the message, but you know to each his own and ultimately you want to make your current girlfriend feel Feel You know to each his own and ultimately you want to make your current girlfriend feel Feel

Secure here, so yeah That's that's a good point to like he needs to reframe how he's thinking about it because it's not about like sparing his ex's Feelings it's like how does he make his girlfriend not uncomfortable? Exactly that's the goal here Fuck your ex's done. Dude. That's the thing That's why their exes and you're right Liz maybe he even though he's 28 You're right maybe if he didn't have his first relationship till he was like 24 and

They they broke up when he was like 26 and like it's only like it could she this woman could have a place of outsized importance in his head But like yeah You need to start thinking of it in those terms of like making your current girlfriend comfortable and then that's for me like I'm still friends with one of my exes and I see him every time I mean my sister go get lunch with him when I'm in LA and so even two months into my current relationship I was like hey this is a little early to do this but I'm just always very honest I'm gonna go get lunch with my ex right like I do you have any questions questions. You know what I mean? Like, it's from 10 years ago. How's your family?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right, right. I mean, this is not somebody that, you know, ripped my heart out of my chest. But, like, me and my sister are still close with him. We always get lunch. It's, you know what I mean? I see him once a year. But, like, the same thing back. Now it's, we're together, we've been together seven months, and he was going to LA, and he's like, I'm gonna go, I think, get lunch or dinner with one of my exes, I just want to let you know. Cool, so now it's like you're not hiding it,

you know what it is, he's told me about this ex, like I don't feel, she's feeling insecure when you're upfront about stuff and you let people know what level, let them ask questions, like he knows exactly how I feel about my ex. He's a friend, we talk once a year. Of course, of course, yeah, yeah. No, totally, and again, there's a little. We talk once a year. Of course, of course. Yeah, yeah. No, totally. And again,

there's a little immature to hear of just not being, A, not understanding what those texts are from an ex, and B, just not being open about it. It seems like his girlfriend caught him texting her almost is what it feels like. And look, is your current girlfriend maybe a little too sensitive about this? That's a possibility too. Maybe he if he is like if he just is dumb Like and not picking up on the hints then he caught he almost could plead Innocent due to reasons of being stupid. You know what I mean, but like So they'll they'll get messages and think it's nothing like you know Where it's like we tend women tend to be like, what's that about? Because we're sending these messages. I'm like, Merry Christmas.

Like, she's like, hey, I've sent a Merry Christmas text. But either way, even if she's a little too sensitive and you're a little too dumb about it, though what's important is to make her feel comfortable. Yeah, exactly. So exactly so yeah good luck good luck little buddy what else we got eldest I liked your jacket So, um, my friend is a comedian. Okay. And, uh... Hang up on this guy, please. Is it us?

He's a new comedian. And, uh, I don't know. I'll get right into it. Just, just like, um, I just started seeing a new, new girl, and she just, like, keeps making jokes about wanting to fuck her. Oh my god! And I guess I just want advice on like... What?

We have kind of a relationship where we kind of make fun of each other and make jokes like that but like he's probably been joking like that every time I've seen him since he met this girl so like I don't want to be too you know it's like it's fair enough to make one or two jokes like that I guess I just want advice on like how not to harsh the vibe too much but it's becoming like disrespectful yeah you're a comedian how would you like talk to your friend? First of all, yeah, me and your friend are not the same Don't even fucking

Your friend and the people on this show have nothing in common We were at some point that I mean they going back to your friend is the guys we were talking about in those shitty bars In Baltimore that we're on these shows. It's like an open mic com. It's like these guys who do three open mics. They're like, I should be able to shout the N word whenever I want because it's my freedom of speech. So let's just let's take the comedian aspect out of it. This and in fact, any let's let them finish actually before I really get get rolling Your girlfriend all the time then like she's a writer and like he'll be like I'll mention like a Book she's reading to him and he'll be like, oh well, I read that book let her know that I think Guys friends socks

Yes back to leave your friend. Yeah, you're all about just leave the person I mean, this is so crazy and like it's just a shitty friend. He's just a dickhead It's like first of all being a comedian Actual comedians do not behave this way like actual comedians aren't like always joking and can't turn it off like this guy is a fucking Loser he's like unless he's like I bet, I mean he's not. I don't know what I'm saying. Unless he's kind of successful, he's not. For sure he's not.

He's probably like a starting comic who's like, people who take this too far. So I'm just gonna say for real, like we were joking earlier, but truly take the comedian thing out of it because it doesn't fucking matter. He's just being a shitty friend. He should, like, so I don't know if he's laughing every time or if he said something but you have to be like hey man you got to stop like yeah

like it's it's I don't find it funny yeah it makes me uncomfortable yeah and I who care it's what's so funny where's like I don't want to hurt the vibe and it's like what's a bad vibe he's fucking the vibe yeah hurt the vibe. Yeah, I'm sucks. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's Chris Rock. Yeah Yeah, dude, I um, yeah, this is just a shitty friend and you can just be like, alright man Just stop talking about this shit Yeah this guy's the friend is like such a loser because there's nothing worse than like Getting to the point where you need to tell your guy friend like

Hey, man, can you chill with those jokes like oh, it's brutal It's like if it gets if it ever gets to that point like you just got you guys just aren't clearly not on the same page Right, right, right and your friend his friend is so diabolically horny Then he does that he is fucking up one of the most sacred things in the world, which is saying the most fucked up things to your friends. Like, you know, me and Elders will joke about horrific things, right? Like we'll talk about fucking near and dear members of each other's families in despicable ways, right?

Never, I have never even considered telling Elders to calm down a little bit You know what I mean? like the fact that that's even in the like That that's even possible means that his friend is your friend is the one not reading the vibe Yeah, it is one not reading the room And so you have you clearly have some kind of self-esteem shit going on here because the fact that you're worried about how? Telling a guy who's not even really joking about basically you're worried about how telling a guy who's not even really joking about, basically you're worried about, hey man, am I gonna come off weird if I tell my friend to stop mentioning that he wants to fuck my girlfriend?

Do you understand that? That's insane. He's worried about offending an open mic. Yeah. Yeah. This is like, and in terms of what you say to him, it's just like, hey man, you gotta fucking chill. You gotta stop talking about my girlfriend like that like it's you're being you're being weird You're being a loser which is what's going on here

And then if he says something like dude you can't take a joke never speak to that guy again Never speak to him again lose his number like what does he think is gonna happen like he's just gonna like charm He's oh, let me get he's like well if he just brings his girlfriend to an open mic, all my rape and transphobic jokes... ...are gonna really sell her. I know this guy's acting right now. I know exactly what his fucking jokes are. Um, so yeah, dude, this guy's a piece of shit. I mean, like, not even, just knowing this kind of guy, spending...

...all of my youth surrounded by exactly who you're talking about. Maybe I'm a little triggered here by how many horrible green room conversations I've had to have with this exact kind of fucking guy, but you gotta be firm with him and be like, alright man, you gotta stop fucking doing this shit. And also, you need to start standing up for yourself, man. This is like a general thing here. Because if you're even worried worried about this you're a little too wishy-washy a little too people Please see it's hard. I get that but

You can't if you're because this guy's again a definitely a good friend if you go hey man cut the shit And he's like all right my bad Thing sometimes a friend can go over the top of that. Oh sure I mean I think as comics We've all been like we that was too far. It goes. Hey, man. It was your mom Absolutely can I just say my favorite part about this whole thing is that the transcription cannot figure out what your name never said Bobby yeah It's all over the place. It's almost fun. We discussed this on another episode, too It's almost fun that like it's a shitty AI

Because now AI is getting so scary where it's like it almost feels good that Google doesn't know how to spell my name Yeah, you know it's like they could easily just spy on my email You know so and they're like hold on what did that stop? Yeah, the day they get stoppy right is the day I'm like, we are fucked. Yeah. Terminators. I am, I'm just looking at it and it's just like, Billy Bob, Stavi.

And I was like, Bobby, is that his nickname? Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead, Eldest. Give us another non-open micro-related question. Is it always all about dating? It's a lot of dating, sometimes there's family stuff. We'll get random ones, but it's a lot of dating friendship

Like I feel like you should give him a heads up. I could have talked about cats They'll be like my car is true and I'd be like, okay This next one is actually a caller update kind of from do you remember the call in the re episode? The guy who took his friend to a bath house and the friend didn't want to pay him 40 bucks Yes, he said it was gay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so there's there was a guy who took his friend to a bath house and the friend didn't want to pay him 40 bucks because he said it was too gay. So there was a guy who they made plans to go to like a Russian bath but they accidentally went on gay night and his friend was like dude those guys were trying to jerk me off I'm not paying you 40 dollars.

I'm not paying and the guy fronted him and our clear Clear ruling was if you if you buy some if you go if you front someone for like anything and they don't have a good time It's not your fault. You know I mean it's crazy to not pay you so anyway It's like going to a movie and being like I didn't like the movie was bad So I'm not paying my ticket so this update is actually a call from that friend Wow We're getting his perspective this is awesome hey what's going on Stavi long-time listener first time caller I'm actually I'm the guy's friend from that bath house story I heard about the other day. I mean, I get that he pays for your Patreon, but for each side of the money, hear me out.

Alright, I'm driving. Mind you, this friend of mine is a little bit more adventurous, I'll say. So, I mean, all the time, you've got to be a little bit careful of where you let him take you. Pause, please. You have to be careful. You have to be careful where him take you. Pause, you have to be careful. You have to be careful where he take you. So go ahead, that's your first mistake.

You're telling me like you gave a guy money that's not that reliable. Again, if I've typed my fucking credit card into a fucking weird website that promises me to sell me a fucking Vitamix for $30, and then it steals my fucking information, that's on me. So anyway, strike one on you, keep going, Aldis. Of where you let him take you, you might end up

at a dog restaurant or at a gay spa or anything. A gay spa, sure. Not homophobic or anything. After a college football game, I think there were some other activities I was looking to spend my afternoon with. The fact of the matter is, I think it was more of an entrapment situation. It may seem like everything would be okay. I was in a very small room full of 70, 80, nine year old cock and balls.

And on top of it when we left, a stranger approached my window and asked for gay sex. If that makes me homophobic, you can call me Kid Rock. It does by the way, you're Kid Rock. I don't know, you're in a traditionally gay place and a guy, now did the guy grab your cock or was he polite about wanting to fuck you? It's like the guy just was forward with you about sex. He probably treated you the way you treat women at a bar. I was about to say, it's always so funny when men are in this situation I was like oh were you a little uncomfortable?

Like we're massively uncomfortable all the time. Yeah were you afraid the guy was to follow you home and rape you? Anyway, keep going, Eldis. I would consider myself more conservative, financially responsible, but whatever. As long as I've known the kids probably 10 plus years at least. As long as I've known him, I think $40 is very justified for at least damages in this situation. In this economy, Joe Biden makes $40 barely enough to prove a point. We get it.

We get it. You're a maggot. That's just what we're doing in this situation. This isn't common in Russia. If I can't be homophobic with my boys, I don't know. You can joke about being homophobic. You can't actually be homophobic. That's the whole point. You're literally not right here. You can't actually be hateful. That's what's fun about. And by anyway, go ahead. Let's finish this. But that's it. Love you, Savvy. Uh, I digress. I just want to, uh, see your insight.

I think your answer was a little too woke for me. No, you're a fucking stingy piece of shit. You yourself said, this guy's the kind of guy who's a little too adventurous. So what you did was you trusted someone to pick out an activity and you, that's your judgment being wrong. The second you agree to do this, the second he fronts you, someone to pick out an activity and you that's your judgment being wrong the second you agree to do this the second he fronts you you owe him that money

just because you're a homophobic Republican doesn't mean that you don't owe him $40 you're a piece of shit you have a you have a weird friend okay and you agreed with it like eldest likes a bunch of fucking dumb bullshit, right? If I went to something, like if he described something I knew I wasn't gonna like, and he paid for the ticket, I was gonna go, right? Like, I'd complain. I'd complain the whole way.

I was like, that movie sucked dick, Eldis. But I would not give him the $20. Yeah, you just, you make him feel bad for at least a couple weeks. Yeah, you bully him for being a bad friend. Yeah. Do you remember I took you, I took, I took Liz to a musical. I hate musicals.

And then at the very end of the movie, I go, what'd you think? Because it was a musical movie. Yeah, yeah. And she goes, I hate musicals. You could have told me. Yeah, yeah. But it's like, I was like, ugh, the whole time. But even if you knew it was a musical and you agreed to go.

Oh yeah, of course. You know, like that's the thing, it's like, you can throw as many fucking, as many little buzzwords as you want. You can do whatever you want, as many fucking, you know, little alt-right memes as you want to throw in here. What are these damages though? You signed a contract? Like what are these damages? And by the way, that's a separate thing from you. By the way, what you do here is like if this guy has steered you wrong forever, then you stop being friends with him or you only hang out in very specific context. You made a choice. How about this buddy? You want to talk about this is in communist Russia, whatever. Take some personal responsibility. Stop looking for a fucking bailout.

Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Tell a gay guy you don't want to get sucked off by him. And pay your friend $40 without fucking thinking the F slur in your head. You're a piece, again let me just highlight this. You're a welching piece of shit. You suck. Pay your friend the money and you have to take responsibility and just double check the activities you go on.

I mean, really, you have done nothing but make me hate you more. You're trying to be funny and it's not working. You're so clearly in the wrong. God, this guy sucks, all right. So that's where all the 70, 80, and 90 year olds hang out. Yeah. Yeah, look, no one wants to see, you know, I like being in a sauna.

I don't like seeing old guys' cogs, but I like the sauna and whatever. The guy asked you for gay sex, like, grow up and be flattered, by the way. Next question, man. Yeah, that guy stinks. And your friend pays for the patron. You're a freeloader it sounds like. Hi Starbro's. The problem I have is I'm with my best friend. So he lives with me in a room that's separate from the main house that's converted into like a studio apartment and The problem we have is his room has gotten so bad. It's hoarder level bad, but the trash Just trash Everywhere his mattress is even on top of trash and I love him. We've been best friends for 12 years

I know he has a lot of mental health issues the depression and things like that so I know it's not him just being a disgusting asshole I know it's due to his mental health but I have no idea how to approach the situation unfortunately both of us are unable to afford like a dumpster to clean the toilet room out but I just have no idea what to do a good dumpster to clean the whole room out but i have no idea what to do and no idea how to be sensitive to someone who i love and it has

a lot of issues did she say it was her friend roommate or lover or boyfriend her best friend and it's like almost like a uh... like a almost i would i think like almost like a converted garage yeah he's got his own space but he's still like it seems to be her spot I don't know it's like she the she lit he has she has the main house he has like this studio apartment on the side and he's just trashing it what what I wonder is like because there's there's hoarders where everything is important and they can't throw it out and there's

depression where the act of actually doing anything feels like a mountain Yeah, so it's like if it's depression Um, I think you can actually be like can I help you and let's do this together Like I actually think like it would you know, if he really is your best friend It's like what can we do together and how can I be helpful? So it doesn't get this bad again if it it's hoarding, which is a mental illness in itself, like that needs like therapy or like you know like there's something like there's something you genuinely need to do to try to fix that like any kind of like OCD or whatever like there's I don't know what type of

therapy but there's a type of therapy that helps with. Yeah and I think both of them are therapy it's like this is I mean I definitely empathize with like what do you do if a friend is like in the throes of mental illness and you can't, you know, because I've definitely had friends who have like kind of been, and I get kind of, I get way messier when I'm depressed. And it's like, and I do, there is a, that's a very satisfying day when I'm like, I wake up and I'm like, oh, I think I, today's the day I clean. When you're like, oh, sick, That doesn't seem insurmountable.

It seems like the thing I want to do most in the world is like clean this shit up. So I think she should just call hoarders that TV show. Is it good enough to get him on hoarders? And if it's not, maybe she's it up, get some weird baby dolls in there, get some like antiques, like kind of really. You're going to need an angle for hoarders In a couple buckets So yeah, I mean I think I think Liz you're right in terms of like

Yeah, she says it's so bad though that she's talking about a fucking dumpster like that's what's crazy to me is like Is it literally too much trash to handle? That's what it seems like. I mean if it's trash under his mattress, that's massive therapy Like he needs like an intervention. Yeah Yeah, what and what is his situation in terms of like mental health does he have a Psychiatrist does he have like because I have when it's like sometimes one thing that's helped me when it's with friends of mine or family members of mine It's like I got everybody in my family into fucking therapy So when it was shit that I couldn't handle I was like I think you need to talk to somebody And yeah, I mean is it the kind of thing where if you help him out and clean it it's just gonna get dirty as fuck again?

For sure Is it the kind of thing where if you help him out and clean it, it's just gonna get dirty as fuck again But I also wonder like if he's if he's depressed and and you kind of help him clean his space I mean like don't I've been in situations where like The people just kind of give up and you kind of go. Hey, why don't we do it together? You know what I mean? And you kind of like a literal shoulder to lean on Yeah, and and sometimes that kind of helps. I absolutely could go get you know what I mean? And you kind of like a literal shoulder to lean on. Yeah. Um, and, and sometimes that kind of helps. I absolutely could go get, you know, disgusting again, but at the same time, like it must be probably pretty embarrassing for him, both his mental state and his surroundings that to, to love somebody, um, wholeheartedly, no matter what state they're in is

therapeutic in its own right. But I don't know there I mean I do think it's gonna be a community yeah yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be a community effort yeah um or hear me out Get a goat, get a pig, convert it, start charging people. Have a garage sale, yeah. With all that trash. Yeah. So yeah, I mean, yeah, I would just say do what you can, I think if you can help, but like, you're talking about a dumpster, like, is it just enough,

can you get rid of it some other way? Like you said you can't afford the dumpster, but you're gonna have to clean his space at some point. Yeah, if you can. And it's only gonna get worse if he's not getting help. So you might as well do it now. Yeah, and it's like, can you guide him towards some help? Is he already in therapy?

Does he have meds? Like, you know, personally, I find a little Adderall helps me clean my room not like nothing like nothing else That's what this guy needs guys. It's got needs a maybe. Oh fuck drop my phone. He might He might So yeah, I don't know I think it is a two-pronged thing of like you're gonna want to make an effort and like just kind of see if you can Click like be like hey, I want to help you with this, and can we get you on the right foot?

And then, but yeah, if he is, you say he has a lot of mental health issues, is he actively taking care of them? Is he like, because that is the long-term thing. And that's also the thing where you can be like, you can give him a nudge to get in there, and then let an actual professional Deal with it

Yeah, because you want to help but you also sometimes you don't you don't want to What's that word when you actually do the worst thing by helping them too much enable enable? Yeah, you know a little bit of tough love but also friendship Yeah, for sure and I think I, I think you can start with friendship. Like I think you could be like, this sucks, let's get through it together. Let's clean it up a little bit here. And like, if you can't have a, you say you can't have a dumpster,

but it's like, that seems to me like a kind of small limiting factor. Like, do you have a friend with a truck that can take stuff to the dump? Can you just like, pile up the trash in the garage and like, every trash day, throw it, and like, you know, it might be like, it might take in the garage and like every trash day throw in like, you know it might be like it might take a month. But yeah, do a bag a day, something like that.

I think yeah, it might help to just start with that, start with like, but it does feel like he has to get his, he'll feel better in a clean space too. But yeah, the two pronged attack of like a little friendship, a little therapy, make sure he's taking care of his shit and then maybe leaning on more friends, maybe making more of a community effort. Like maybe a little bit of a pig.

Yeah, get a small, a teacup pig. Yeah, yeah, a little piglet. Just experiment and if that works, get an even bigger pig. Yeah. You got something fun for us to go out on here, eldest. And gals, one more time, let's plug the specials before we go. What's we're going to do this when they

get out of here. So where can people follow you? Where can I see the specials? Check out Queef Week. Hell, yeah. It's on Mark Norman's YouTube channel. It's been out for about two months and it's past 300 K, I forgot what.

So good. Very good special. And then the Spanish one is already out in Spain only, but it comes on YouTube in May. So please check out my YouTube channel, subscribe, and you'll see my Spanish special. And all my socials are at CarmenComedian and all my tour dates are at carmenlynch.com.

Nice. My special's called murder sheets Watch it. I have a bunch of other specials on my YouTube channel, and I'm touring and That's all I got everything's at let's do it. Yeah follower watch the specials and here. Let's let's take us out here Eldis. Hey Savvy, hey Eldis, hello esteemed guest. Eldis, that's awesome that you're 6'6 and I give my left nautical to be that tall. It's freaking awesome.

He's just telling you in school you're tall. Generic guy in his 40s, wondering what your opinion was about men that dye their hair. Getting some gray, not that anybody cares what I look like, but just wondering what you thought about dyeing hair and also what is your opinion on plugs. Kind of expensive, kind of a stupid thing to do, but I don't know. The older I get, the more it sounds pretty good. Thanks for the advice. Love the show. This one is so simple. This for the advice, love the show. Wow, this one is so simple. I know, this guy's so insecure, it's awesome. Where he's like, dude, that's so cool, you're tall, Eldis.

I'm bald and I'm gray. Yeah, these short bald guys are fucking pathetic. Yeah, I suppose a guy like that would be pretty pathetic. Do what you want. Yeah, interesting. Is hair plugs still a thing? They're good. Yeah, they're out there.

No, there's definitely hair plugs. But you know, we know a couple of comics. They've done the thing where they take the little bit of hair that you do have and they're going to replant it. Matteo's done it. He's talked about it a lot. Soda's done it. I think Andy Haines did it.

Andy, yeah. But that's not, you can't see the plugs. No, they're just better They're replanting your hair. Yeah, and if you're gonna get plugs do get expensive ones Do not do not fucking cut corners on some of it. Yeah, I will that it's absolutely because I'm a six foot tall woman Oh, you get the bird's-eye view the bird's eye view. I've seen bad hair plugs. And let me tell you, that conversation is very awkward. Because you want to look, you know?

It's like a bad glass eye. You want to look. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bad glass eye, weird breasts, weird rock hard breast implants. Any kind of thing you're doing, or fucked up BBL, if you're going to do it, there's around, a lot of thing you're doing, or fucked up BBL, if you're gonna do it, there's a lot of those around right now, but if you're gonna do it, you gotta go whole hog with it.

Oh, there's also, I love those videos where it's almost like a sticker. Yeah. Right? I love those! I know. And they look really good. Yeah.

I definitely follow a guy that's like, he does it to help a lot of like kids that like aren't, but like he does it for adults too. And I'm just like, yo, I want sticker hair. What is it? It's like a sticker with hair on it. It's basically like a crazy toupee. Yeah, but like.

What happens on a humid day though? Does it unstick? No, they got real sticky stuff out there. It's real sticky. And you have to replace them. They got AI stickiness. You have to replace them a lot, I feel like. Yeah, but regardless.

They slide down and maybe come up. A sideburn. A sideburn. But my thing is always like do whatever you need to do to feel confident like you know but be you know. Be good about it. Be good about it. Totally. Totally. Don't be a dumb dumb. That's the thing it's like people think that making these things will also just make you a more confident person and that's just not true. No. Like it's gotta, you gotta start believing in yourself first and then if you wanna sprinkle a couple things that are like help, they'll help. But this guy's clearly like, you know, he is insecure. He's like, he seems to be, my guess, we got a guy in his like 40s who's single, thinks he's a little too short, worried about the thing, like he wasn't doing well before and now he's like, oh my God,

the ground underneath me is eroding. What I had is leaving me out of gray, I'm bald. So, you know, buddy, what are my thoughts on it? I don't really give a fuck. My favorite thing to do is to just succeed in spite of every obstacle God has thrown my way. So I take it as a badge of honor to be able to have the more fucked up things about me the better. I think it's funny to have, to be like on paper seem horrific

and then people just think like in person no one feels that way. But I understand that's pretty high difficulty and not a lot of people are like that, have that, take that pride in that. So you know, if you wanna dye your hair, dye it. If you wanna get plugs, get them. But don't cut corners, is my only thing. If you're gonna do it, you know. Yeah, and find your inner hair plugs. Like, yeah, we're on the inside.

Those hair plugs count first. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, I do think there's a little bit of, you should just, you need to believe in yourself first and foremost and foremost and like this stuff can be like the cherry on top, but you know do it to feel good Not as a way to hide something. Yeah You know after he gets the hair plugs be six Be like now I want to get rid of that mole on my face and all that stuff. Yeah.

So. Yeah, no, it's interesting. Yeah, it is interesting. What do you guys feel about gray hair? How does it? I like that salt and pepper one. Yeah, I really like salt and pepper. I think it looks cool.

I honestly think it does look cool on both men and women. I think it's a cool look. Especially, I actually like a salt and pepper beard. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's... So it's like, well, and even losing your hair, it's like, look how look at the world like so like none of this stuff is insurmountable Right and it's so it's like it's so clearly about your self-esteem first

So yeah, that's our that's our usually it's so funny usually we get like like 20 year old kids Who don't believe in themselves? This is our first like 40 year old guy Also, why can't he go like like we're in the buzz? Yeah. Why can't he go full ball probably action hero? Do you like the shape of your head? My guess is he's not built like an action hero. OK, that's part of it.

Which is another thing. It's like I like sometimes I like whatever you're going to do. Like sometimes I tell people we're very body positive show here obviously but sometimes I tell people like go fucking work out because or lose weight or whatever because There's just something to or even like gaining a new skill because there's something about feeling yourself making incremental progress or that just feels good and like Fires up that confidence and then especially what it happens to also aid the way you look which is

So I hang up for so many people Sometimes it is that simple of like yeah, dude do some stuff like you want to get plugs you want to die, you know Dye your hair could you just work out would you would you maybe feel an even bigger benefit from the like exercise and from the you know? Whatever you like I've worked out even when I wasn't losing weight and it was like like early in the tour I worked out like a motherfucker because it was just like I needed it for my mental health and so there's like stuff like that where it's like I would say think about that kind of stuff dude because you're clearly a little hung up on your appearance and for somebody in your predicament I would say like

actually focusing on exercise might kind of be a double edged sword of like, you will feel better, I mean first of all you'll feel better because of like the chemicals, but also you'll feel better about making progress in something and the thing you're making progress towards will also make you look traditionally more attractive

which seems to be a hang up for you. So. Just don't become a comedian. Yeah. Don't start doing open mic, don't be a hang up for you so just don't become a comedian yeah don't start doing open mic don't be a divorced open mic or one of the most pathetic types of guys uh... but yeah that's gonna do for us thanks for coming though god go watch the specials

uh... love leave us a nice review if you haven't. You know what I think we should start doing on this? I think we should start reading five star reviews. And I know we were so, we've booked so far and ahead that it's going to take like, we're not going to be able to start doing this till like May somehow. But like, I think we need to start giving some nice incentives because we've never tried to make this podcast successful. It's just, we just kind of put it out there and it's been doing pretty good.

But, you know, give us some nice reviews and please subscribe to the YouTube channel or subscribe to, you know, iTunes, Spotify, if you listen the other way. But we appreciate it and we'll see you next time, guys. Bye bye. Bye.