Stavvy's World - #87 - Jake Johnson

Episode Date: July 29, 2024

Jake Johnson joins the pod for the third installment of the LA Chronicles (from the Bad Friends’ studio!) to discuss the unexpected joys of podcasting, the bawdy tales his uncle shared when he was way too young to hear them, ambushing his podcast co-host Gareth Reynolds with a surprise drop-in from Stavvy, the time he tried Reiki, how he found a close connection with his dad later in life, Stav’s favorite game show, and much more. Jake and Stav help callers including a bookkeeper who’s wondering if she should switch careers to become an animal psychic, and a guy who’s pissed that his buddy’s unpleasant girlfriend is crashing the bros trip. Check out We’re Here to Help, hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds: https://www.heretohelppod.com/http://www.patreon.com/heretohelppodhttps://www.youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodhttps://www.instagram.com/heretohelppod Follow Jake Johnson on social media:  https://www.instagram.com/mrjakejohnson Unlock exclusive, Patreon-only episodes at https://www.patreon.com/stavvysworld Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get advice!

Welcome everybody to Stavisworld 904 800 Stav. Call in, we'll solve your problems. We're here in our studio. This is our studio, our new studio. We built it. No one else has ever done a podcast here. Isn't that right, Eldis? Yeah, that's right. The new studio is looking awesome. Yep. We're in New York City where we've got New York resident Jake Johnson to be in. Mr. New York. Yeah, Mr. New York. Everybody says it.

Mr. Saturday night. Mr. Saturday night. It's not Sunday morning. It's not 10 AM on Greek Easter slash Cinco de Mayo. No, no, no. It's Saturday night. It's Saturday night. I just left the club in New York. We were just in Studio 54.

Yeah, just fucking partying. Doing yips. this fucking guy. Lot of girls that were 14 when you girl came out. Havoc just came up to him nonstop this way. He's been cheating on his wife at Studio 54 all night. But they're now like 40. So it's not weird now. Now you're good.

My hair's totally dyed. Yeah. We are, of course, at the Bad Friends studio. We've taken it over. We have Santino and Bobby Lee locked in the trunk of Elders' Toyota yards. Who's Bobby? Who's Santino? One of us is going to fill a row. We kind of averaged out. We combined them and it wasn't a clean transfer. It's like you're mostly 60 Santino. But I got some Bobby. But you got some Bobby and I'm obviously Bobby, but larger. But you got some Santino.

Yeah, and some Santino. So we're kind of in the middle. Remember the Seinfeld episode where they did. The Bizarro. Yeah. The Bizarro Bad Friends. Bizarro. We are Bizarro Bad Friends.

And welcome to your first of four episodes in the Bizarro Bad Friends studio. Will they all be shot today? No, they're all done over a couple days. We're here for four weeks, guys. That's what's going on here. Do we know who's even going to be here? Not really. I love talking about something that these people

are going to experience over a month. But fuck you, that's podcasting. We don't care. We're just trying to pay out. We're just trying to get Elvis paid're just trying to get Eldest paid. We've almost got him up to $11 an hour. I have high hopes for next year. The grossest part of podcasts is you're just trying to pay the producers.

Alright man, so with Rocket Money, does you take this? I gotta keep ZockDoc, man. I'm not doing this as a fucking hobby. Yeah, so thanks for coming, man. I'm not doing this as a fucking hobby. Yeah, so thanks for coming man, we're pumped to have you. So we figured while we're in LA we'll get some some bros in here that we don't have access to over in NYC and yeah big fan had a blast on you and Garen's pod. You're hilarious. Thank you, dude. Thank you. So thanks for coming out

on Stavi's World. We'll take obviously this is good. I made fun of I feel bad actually just So I made fun of Garrett for just stealing the idea but with his most famous friend Yeah, and so now how's it feel you fucking piece of shit? I got him now and we're doing advice nothing you can do about it I've tried to build in Gareth isn't playing about it. I've tried to build in Gareth isn't playing it but a couple times I've been like maybe you should comment on it and he's like no no I didn't steal the idea and I'm like okay I know it'll be fun let's get a little battle. I obviously am not accusing you of that. I was like we could be fun. Just call me a fat piece of shit and tell me to fuck off. Tell me to go to another greek diner and do another podcast. My favorite part of that he came on the pod we're all in the

zoom talking having fun. You're honestly a super nice guy, really sweet. We're just having a great time. It starts, and it so reminded me of Chicago. It's like, all right, let's get into it. And you're like, hey, how you doing? Really happy to be here. Listen to me, you stole from me.

You're back in the room. And I was like, oh, I'm home. I waited until the mics were on. And then it's like. I waited until the mics were on. I was dying. Yeah, until the mics were on. I was dying. Yeah, yeah, that was awesome.

But your guys' pods is hilarious. No beef in the advice pod game. This is the summit. This is like when the Bloods and the Crypts are holding that bandana. The blue and red bandana. Yeah, making peace. Yeah, making peace. We're here to help, right?

Yes. Yeah, listen to that bad boy. Yeah, it's a lot help right? Yes. Yeah, well listen to that bad boy. Yeah, it's fun man Yeah, and you guys do voicemails and then you just riff off it. Yeah, so we'll do we'll get a little interview You know, we'll do a little we'll do a little ask you about stuff Just just fuck around and then we just do yeah, we do voicemails and we and then we do on patreon We will we started doing the live calls Just but I just don't trust my fan. You guys have nicer fans My fans, I'm not putting live. I'm not putting them live

There's no way like I've built too much behind a paywall I've built too much in my career for you to take it down and me to laugh I'm a generous laffer. I can't help it. And then I'm never working again. I love a good bit, but uh, but yeah, so yeah. But what's going on, man? I just, and you have a new movie out, right? It's relatively new on Hulu, Self-Reliance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really funny. Thanks, bud. Yeah, it's been fun. It's a fun concept of a guy who is offered a million dollars,

and all he has to do is just not get killed by hunters on the dark web. It's based off, there's a documentary right now about it on Hulu. It's based off a Japanese reality show where the Japanese reality shows of the 90s started really fucking with people in like really fun ways.

Insane. Insane. Insane stuff. And I remember when I first started hearing about it, I thought that's where we were going with reality TV, right? Right, right like I was old enough that when Survivor started I thought like oh, we're gonna start doing stuff Yeah, they're gonna have to eat one of them Like somebody about time Die on television

You know like all the jail shows You know, you know where they like literally you go like, you know, where they like literally put cameras in. They have somebody going undercover now. Totally. Yes, yes, yes. I'm like 90, like these are fascinating shows. Yeah, 90 days in or something like that.

Yes, but they'll have something where you'll have like straight up criminals and one of them will be like, to the little camera, be like, there's a rat in here. I'm like, and then they'll be like some dorky guy in a cot being like, I think they think it's me. It's like everybody think it's me. It's like, everybody knows it's you. 99 criminals and you're laying on a cop going like, so you're from the Baltimore area? Your ass is dead. So what kind of drugs can we smuggle in here, fellas?

Anything to shove up your ass. Andrew, so what was the Japanese game show? So I'm not going to try to pronounce the name, but it was a guy a comedian gets picked He doesn't know what he's doing. They put him in a room. They take off all his clothes They say you can leave whenever you want There's no food and they say the only way you can get food is if you win it from Contest that you see in this newspaper and magazine. He laughs. He's like, okay, he's trying to be funny He wants me to stand up. Of course, he's like doing bits. he's like okay. He's trying to be funny. He wants me to stand up of course. He's like doing bits

He's like covered in junk and then he's nude and he's nude the Japanese really are I mean humiliate you drop a couple atomic bombs On a culture and they will go they will some fucked up is gonna happen and then and just you just let a culture be racist Too that's the thing it's like they're just they are in Japan. Like anyone who's not Japanese, they're polite, it's the weirdest combo, and that will fuck with your head. Some samurai shit, plus getting worked in world, being friends with Hitler, getting bombed by, getting bombed. And then a pretty big 180. Yeah, and then a slip, and then you're just good

at electronics, but no one who's not Japanese gets to be treated as like the same citizen. No matter how long you live there. No, dude. Do you ever go on YouTube, like foreigners living in Japan? It's insane. But no no one who's not Japanese gets to be treated as of like the same citizen How long you live now dude you ever go on YouTube like foreigners living in Japan? They'll be like I've been here for 11 years. How was it? Very lonely very hard Yeah, is they're treated like a like a beloved dog. That's the best you can hope for is like a really like a dog Everyone likes yeah But that and that that just something fucked up happens to society where they'll put a guy, they'll just get a guy naked and then they'll just

win. So what was the... So the whole thing is then he so he realized that he's trying to be funny, he's trying to be cute. He's 22. Oh no. He wanted it bad. He was an aspiring stand-up. Oh a 22 year old open mic'er. He's a 22 year old. That's one of the most despicable energies in the world. And to channel that, that's genius. Then I know they know what they're doing. But then there's no food. He loses like 20 pounds in the first week. How long is he there? I think it ended up being two years after. What? Two years? No. He's in a room? So he's in a little apartment with no clothes. But then he wins rice, right?

And you see him, he's like dancing. But then he doesn't have anything to cook it with. So he's got to figure out how to make mush. Then after the year he thinks he wins, they drop, they take him, put him in blindfolds, put him in another room and he's like, where am I? They go, you're in Korea. Now figure out how to do it again and get out of Korea. What?

And he did it? He did it. What'd he win? His freedom. $40? Wait, are you kidding? That's the show? Yeah, they also told him a while ago.

What? Yes. Yes. It's called the Contestant on Hulu. Holy shit. Truly, I recommend it. Oh my God. So I saw.

Plugging a different movie while describing your movie. Well, mine came out longer. It's all right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I already got paid, it's all right. Yeah. I already got paid itself. Yeah. Yeah.

Hell yeah, dude. But what I loved about it and what I've been, I mean, my movie's good. I didn't quite nail the ending, because it's hard, but what I loved about that movie and that idea of those shows is, they were really pushing it.

That's insane, yeah. So the guy at the end, and then they say to him, he was just on A This American Life, they rebroadcast it, but they said like, why did you stay? Because there's not a lock on the,

you're not a fucking prisoner. And he stayed because he's like, I wanna do this thing. I wanna finish, I wanna be a comedian, I wanna be a star. I never. And that's how he thought it would happen? Well, they were airing it like Truman Trill live. So he was a celebrity?

But he didn't know it. Because they said, every day he had to change tapes and they said when you're done give us the tapes we might do it. After two years they blindfolded him, put him in a box that looks just like his apartment. Wait, he didn't know he was on TV the whole fucking, he was just doing it to do it? He was a huge spokesman, he was a huge star, the country watch, it was like the biggest hit. Wow.

He's in a room that looks like his apartment, they say like you're doing it again, the walls fall down, it's a live studio audience. He's naked He has a panic attack. He's like Hasn't seen a person in two years and then the hosts are like these like, you know, cute ladies and a hunk being like And his dick gets hard immediately He just smells female pheromones for the first time in two years That'd be a nice feeling. And he's fully nude in front of everyone.

That'd be nice to not see a female in years and have your body work properly. Yeah, that's true. So this is what's supposed to happen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the studio audience sees your hard dick. That's awesome. Holy shit. Dependent.

Dependent. Yeah, not mine. Would not be a good look. No, no, no. But the idea of that thing, whatever that is is has been the fascination of like that's fucking Wild premise and then they were doing other things like I heard they did a thing where They they used to have a guy they took a Japanese guy did a show went to Australia he had to go up to gay guys in bars and

Offer them condoms or something and hit on them and they were trying to make a show the guy got assaulted really bad and it cuts off where he's like no no what the fuck dude they were pushing it but the country loved it it was really popular getting raped in Australia the number one show in Japan but you see this guy when he's talking about it he's like it could have been worse. They were pushing. Oh my god. And the leader of it, there's this one guy

who was like the genius behind it, is this super dark dude and he's like, I was really trying to entertain. He's a fucking super villain. That's crazy. But it's fucking awesome. If you go to like entertainment. It is entertaining.

I'm like, I would fucking watch that show so hard. Yeah, there's no, we will never write anything or be in anything as interesting as that. You can't touch it, man. My favorite Japanese game show thing I ever watched was, you remember this one, Elvis, do you remember this? It was, there was a straight Japanese porn star who was like, he's like, look look I'm a pro like you know I

Sex is just like a job for me. Whatever the only had sex with women only had sex with women and There is a gay Japanese porn star, and he's like I'm the best at giving head in Japan The guy's like dude you will not make me bust. I'm straight as hell. There's no way I'm gonna bust. Oh my god. And they're in a studio audience. And this fucking, the guy, they put a box around the guy's dick.

Oh my god. They have girls, and there's polite Japanese people just standing like, in the, like they're watching a political address, just like hands folded in business suits. Will you nut or not? And it's literally, will this gay business suits. Will you nut or not? And it's literally will this gay guy make this straight guy nut or not and It's one of the funniest videos. It's it's on the internet somewhere. One of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my life

They start fluffing him. So like this guy's getting his dick sucked. Okay, so women are coming around. Women come around, you know And he's a porn star so he's a porn star. Yeah, exactly. He's a pro. So yeah, it's not, he's not. That's not part of the game. That's not the game at all. And so he's in a box, and all these people are watching this guy get his dick sucked. And these ladies just kind of fluff him, and then here comes this fat little,

and he's like, he's not hot either. He's like a fat, he honestly does look like Bobby a lot. He does look a lot like Bobby Lee. And same body type, little guy, little fat guy. If it's Santino as the guy That they're getting there I'm telling you they're ending up there Bobby will suck Santino's dick to they don't end up there. Swirl that on Netflix Live! I'm telling you, they're ending up there. Bobby will suck Santino's dick.

To get the Patreon numbers up. The show is called Orgasm Wars, by the way. Orgasm Wars! The Japanese have Orgasm Wars. See if you can find a picture of the little fat guy. Just so we can put it in posters so people can see. That's the straight... yeah, look at the guy's face. Oh my lord.

So, he's the guy's face. Oh So he's getting his dick sucked Yeah, and then and then the little the the fucking the little gay guy comes out start sucking his dick and the guys like He's like the straight guys like this ain't shit He's really And then it's like something like not even that long. Yeah, like a couple minutes in something his demeanor changed and he's like It's like in hot ones where like the wing takes a second to kick in He's like that ain't shit. They're like who is like that shack

He's trying to play it off And then and the gay guys like and then he does that remember and who wants to be a millionaire Anyway remember who wants to be a millionaire the first time where the guy called his dad to be like Just wanna let you know I want a million dollars the gay guy like peeks his head out winks at the audience Such a pro he can feel the nut I don't care that he knows when the guy's gonna come. He's such a pro, he can feel the nut traveling. I gotta tell you, I don't care that he's sucking another guy's dick. That's the most gangstas in the world.

And any star guy who pretends that isn't cool, you're laying, like, you're sucking a dude's dick on TV who claims you can't make him come, and you go like this. Yeah, he literally winks, and, like, I think there's some cash prize, so he's about to win a bunch of money. It'd be really funny if behind his back he goes like this, like, three, one, and die. And, dude, he just fucking... I think there's some cash prize so he's about to win a bunch of money behind his back. He goes like this like three

And the guys like no So Man Japan so ahead of the curve when I was growing up my uncle Eddie had some legal trouble and came lived with us Uh-huh and throughout the years as I've listed back to all the stories and came live with us. And throughout the years, as I've looked back to all the stories, you never know what's real or not. Of course, of course. It's one of those things where you're like, yeah, those were like really formative years.

I believed you to be like a father figure. I think you were a lot of games. Of course, of course, of course. One of the real pivotal ones I look back at is, we were doing some chore. My mom made us do like building, like digging fence posts or something stupid. We were just like in the yard.

And you know, I was telling some story because my mom had a junk shop and he sold neon out of it So they were always working, but I was always there too. So yeah, whatever I wasn't there He would say like you fucking missed it yesterday Some chicks with huge canes came over so I went into Baltimore Chicago yeah same guy, different voice. Throw New Jersey. Chicago has its own, because you're from Chicago. It's D's and those.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's no T's, it's D's. D, oh, interesting. But his story was, he's like, this fucking broad comes in here. And he goes. And how old are you, like, what are we talking? 14, 15.

Okay, perfect. Out of high school, I dropped out, I was like, looking at him like, you're a super cool guy. I gotta get in the Uncle Eddie zone. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This guy's not allowed in your schools has to live with us No, I don't want to When you first came on and then you get told I was watching your stuff getting to know you, it was the first time in a long time, I'm like, I'm 15 again. I told you, I was like, you got a whole thing cooking that is a character that is going away.

Absolutely. And I was like, and it shouldn't go, I was like, this type. You need these types, you need guys like me. We're getting older, a lot of us aren't doing it right so no everyone's trying to become regular hot Yeah, that's not everyone's shot. Everyone's getting fucking plugs everybody's fucking getting veneers. Everybody's like really trying I mean oh Zempik now dude is a game change. It's fuck. I mean just being in LA. I'm like oh Everyone's on this fucking thing. But not only that dude. It's what really gross about it is because I don't give a fuck what you do. I don't care if you're blowing coke and getting skinny.

We were talking about this before, but I'm actually not a hater. Because I don't care. What I don't like is when there's a career chubbo. God bless. I wear weight. Your body's probably just a little different, that all of a sudden you're real skinny. I can see the bones of your face these are people I've been out with yeah go like how is

it and they go intermittent fasting yeah and I go a lot of green juice yeah they'll go like yeah it's just discipline yeah 62 years you got it now that's not the way life works. You're allowed to say, I'm taking this weird drug. And you know what I'll say? You look great. I hope there's not some weird side effects, which we all will find out in seven years. By the way, that's why I'm giving it another seven months.

Dude, there's going to be a terrible... Whenever we all jump on something, there was a time doctors used to prescribe cigarettes. My mom told me when I was growing up, she's like, Whenever we all jump on something, there was a time doctors used to prescribe cigarettes. My mom told me when I was growing up, she's like, they would say it's really good for your anxiety. A doctor! You go to a doctor! Now they're giving you a shot and you go like, I used to be 280, now I'm 170. What's the downfall? Nothing. Dude, really nothing at all. We checked.

And how long, so the company who's making all this money on it, they're the ones who checked? Yeah, well not them, but a subsidiary. And they said it's all good to keep selling? And they said it's all good. So I'm fine with it. There's some weird stuff going on, like my eyes are getting yellowish, my face does look a little weird. I have horrible nausea and diarrhea. I can't eat like certain foods I like literally.

I can feel my liver when I eat certain foods. If I eat leafy greens, my fucking pelvis starts starts throbbing but you see me in a photo on a red carpet yeah don't look at the skin don't look at shirt off by the way I lost so much weight and fuck it yeah like well I just the quick loss the skin's gotta be tough sure skins gotta be tough but anyway I'm staying in the Eddie zone at least a little on the Uncle Eddie zone at least a little longer. So we got a nice fat guy. Honestly also though, please don't lose so much weight. And don't go through the thing where all of a sudden

you are the kinda handsome. Nope, dude, come on. Well here's the thing, I have thought about this actually. If I ever make the pivot, it's gonna be hilariously late in life. Because that's the whole thing. The John Goodman. Yeah, yeah, not even I mean, no, that's a good point. Because Goodman did it in his 60s. But it wouldn't be Ozabic, it would just be like plugs and veneers.

You know what I mean? If you got plugs, you're such a king. That's the end. Go to Turkey, do it, you know what you should do? Yeah. Your stand-up special should be in Turkey. Yeah, do it with the fucking scars on. Do it with the fucking diaper on my head. Do the lines. Would you ever do your special in Greece? No, I wanna go there. I mean, I'm fluent in Greek, but I'm fluent the way like,

you know, like a ninth grader is. Like I have a hard time. You know, I can speak it, but it's like to do it a whole hour, I might be able to get, I can do probably 10 minutes in I got you know I was saying you do it in English. Oh in English No, I don't know You go to Turkey and get plugs yeah, because if you got plugs, and then you got big veneers

Yeah, you're the best thing I've ever seen There's one winner 60 though that's what I'm saying. It'd be awesome. That's when everybody's fucked up surgeries have started like wearing down. And they give up. Then I slam back in. That was always my move. I always zig when they zag.

You're playing the long game, my man. You're playing the long game. So this was Eddie's look. He was like a fat... No, but he was different. But he had the kinky curly hair He could take his teeth out These were a different shade of white, but when you took them out they were fangs and they were scary Absolutely, but his whole thing was one day

He told me he was like there was this long hair broad in there and she's sucking my fucking dick and you know at the junk Shop yes, and you know, there's jealousy. I don't care whatever story it is. I don't care how bad it is. How fake it is. For a moment you're like, what? And at first you go like, I've been here a lot. All I'm doing is like stripping and staining furniture.

When women come in, they just see me as like a rat in the back of the shop. It's never gotten close to somebody being like, would you prefer a blow job? Never. The steps it would take to get there, you can't even fathom. To this day I can't fathom.

That's not how life works. Of course, of course. But he goes like, he's fucking sucking my dick. And I'm not at the age where I'm not going like, now I would talk shit. Of course. But at that age I was still like, I still believed everything he said.

Of course, yeah. And he was like, he's fucking sucking my dick. like 14. Yeah, I still believed everything He said of course, and he was like fucking sucking my dick And I'm like in my head thinking like super my wonder years monologue is this is the greatest story I've ever heard And in your head just like if that's true. It's one of the most atrocious looking women that's ever existed I may see that even yet. Yeah at that point hadn't even cared. Yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah this place my mother hangs. Where we like work and hang out and get terrible fights and then he goes,

I'm getting my dick sucked and he goes, and then I feel a stubble on my nuts. And this is a true story. I go, what? And he goes, I feel a fucking stubble hitting my, I go, like a man's beard. And he goes, it's a fucking stubble hitting my, I go, like a man's beard? And he goes, it's a fucking guy. That looks like a woman. And I go, in the moment, I'm now in the head, it's turning. And I go like, oh, what'd you do?

And I go, I said, finish what you started. And there's, but this is why psychologically, you're such a fascinating character. That's awesome. Because it finishes and I'm like, I don't think that's a cool story anymore. Yeah. I think that's a bad story.

Yeah, that's a weird story. But you finished it, like you dominated me and told the best story. Totally, totally. And your confidence has confused me, so I had to go like, that's awesome, man. I think a dude in a wig sucked your dick. And then when I told my brother, he said, that's a lie. And I'm like, but why lie like that?

Why say he was a guy? He did a bunch of stuff like that. That's such a good lie. That's so crazy. A great liar has to add an element where you go like, yeah, but hold on, I don't think that makes you cool. And he goes, why do I give a fuck? I don't fucking care.

I'm just telling you a story when I got my fucking dick sucked in here. I got a nut in here. What have you been fucking doing? And being like, literally nothing. Hanging with you. And whenever I'm not with you, you're getting your dick sucked. I love a story where it's like, dude, you'll never believe this. And it's like, you think it's going to be awesome,

but it's like, he's talking about a minor inconvenience like they got his order wrong I order salami, it's fucking roast beef. He says it but it's a guy sucking his dick, which I would assume this is the 90s in Chicago. He's homophobic Eddie or sure well I will say some of those guys and this this is a ridiculous statement, the world's gotten very progressive. There's a really hard left right. He was a maniac. If you listened and read everything he said, he's canceled a million times.

He's a wildly progressive guy. But you're like, it's just crazy. We literally, my mom used to hire homeless guys to deliver the furniture. So my job garnered would be me in the back of the truck with like four random homeless guys. Still to this day, some of the funniest bits I've ever heard was when the homeless guys are all like to my mom, Eve, it'd be very polite like, Miss Eve, you got it, you got it. Then soon they realized like she's paying us in cash and we're kind of in and we got fed. Then once you finished a job and they're like with their shaky alcoholic hands, they realize like she's paying us in cash, and we're kind of in yeah We got fed then once you finished a job, and they're like with their shaky alcoholic hands They're like I'm can I can do this yeah? Yeah? Yeah? When they would let it rip I would be

Where you're like you fucking and it's changed homelessness Yeah, I'm like you fucking guys are so funny that you ended up up You fucking guys are so funny that you ended up on TV. You're too funny for a job, man. You can't have a job, dude. You guys are on another level of bits. What are we talking, what are they doing back there in the van? What are they up to? What are some of those homeless bits? All the blowjobs they get.

All the sex they're having. How cool they were when they were younger. Yes, man. That's awesome. And at 15, just being there, like I hear it, and then being like, man, you don't know, Jake. Yeah, yeah. You're right. Let me know.

I have no proof. There's no paper trail. And just go for it, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got two hours of moving futons. Well, this is the first time probably in years that someone who lives indoors has to listen to them. You know what I mean?

Like, that was you in that van. You know what I mean? You and that man. You're totally right. Someone with plumbing. Somebody who lives indoors, because all of them together, they are part of the same community. Absolutely. Where you're like, if we all live outdoors, I'm not listening to your bullshit. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. His mother threw him with us. Toots of sheep with wolves.

Honestly, the first time they had power over anyone. Like any power over anyone in years. So they're getting it out. Even when they like see the kids they haven't seen for a while, they have no power. They have to go hat in hand. Absolutely. Because what was nice is and what was comedic about it, I'm glad it too, is those guys, when they're flexing,

oh, yeah, they're so funny. Yeah, absolutely. And the way we see them and hang with them in life if you're like doing something nice And you're like giving something or you're you're seeing them at their most humble. Yeah, you're like I know but let it rip my man Come on, dude. There was a day before before all this happened. Yep. Yep. You were a guy You were a guy that you had a clear POV and part of that POV got you in trouble. Yes And you had a clear POV and part of that POV got you in trouble. Yes. You know, you got a lot of your right about everything.

And there was part of it that's right, a lot that got bad. Yeah, yeah. You made some big bets and it's clear you lost them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had a life going. Sure. But you didn't think the life was treating you right. Right, right, right.

Whatever that POV is, I'm your audience for it. I find that shit pretty good. That is fascinating. We gotta get some The Houseless podcast, podcast eldest. We need to figure that out. I would love to get some He's like for the 11 an hour. Yeah I can do nothing for you. And I'm out. Slap a little bit. Whenever that episode's a debate show.

It's like chess. Oh, we need a ding. You know you should go like chess. If you got two guys who talk too much. Okay, so then let me tell you an Eddie story. Go. We do need the David's dick bell. Elvis, get on it.

Come on. But this is utterly fascinating. Oh, I love, I love orgasm. Yeah, we gotta check out more of orgasm. I want to hear more about this junction. Well, and also, you guys are going to be doing a lot of work on this. I mean, I'm not going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this.

I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. I'm going to be doing a lot of work on this. But this is utterly fascinating. Oh, I love orgasm. Yeah, we gotta check out more of orgasm. I wanna hear more about this junction. Well, and also, you were like searching

for like a father figure. Was your dad split? My dad, well my dad was gone when I was two. He got sober when I was 18. Oh wow. So it was raised by my mom. 18's a nut. It's the dog shit.

I was the youngest too. Yeah. Oh really? Yeah, I mean I love the guy. He and I before he passed we became very close. It is funny to be like youngest one I'm not legally obligated for and I'm back. Well the thing about him and what I realized- You know how they had the Olsen twin countdown for when they turned 18? He had one for you and it's like alright couple more- couple more shots and then- You know the cocaine was on top of me. I couldn't help it. But you could and it's like, all right, couple more shots. You know, the cocaine was on top of me. I couldn't help it.

But you could help it. My brother and I have a mean thing about addiction where you're like, it's for my dad, he was always like, you know, it's a terrible disease. I just wish he knew I didn't have it. We'd be like, cancer's a terrible disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I agree, this is bad. But like, if you go to like a kid in a cancer ward, you're like, that's so sad.

And then my dad with like three hookers and poking his nose, you're like, yours is less sad. Looks fun. Norm has that bit too actually. Where he's like, really? He's like, all right, it's a terrible disease. I spent all night. Gambling, drinking.

Having a great time. And I woke up in bed with a strange woman. So my dad, when he would talk to us, it's like the kid, when he was in like, you know the homeless guy vibe, my brother wasn't that but like the hat and hat. His was like, it got on top of me, it was really sad. But then he and I became legit friends. Right, right, right. And when we became legit friends, he would be doing like the, I don't know, and then

I'd go. So you were going to a lot of those bulls games and he's like, I had a fucking car dealership. I knew Horace Grant, I knew Scottie Pibbitt. He's like, Jack, I was at fucking games every week, didn't know how to go to Gibson's, I'm eating the steak, I'm drinking the vodka. He's like, there was a row of working girls. He goes, I could go like this.

And I'd be like, sounds like a terrible disease. Yeah, dude. I'd be like, you're forgetting, you're so excited. Of course, of course. They're like, would you say this in front of our sister? Right. And then he'd be like, you're forgetting? You're so excited. Of course, of course. They're like, would you say this in front of our sister? Right. And then he'd be like, she walks back to the room, and he'd be like, so I go like this, and it hurt me.

Because the cocaine had ravaged my body. She leaves, and he goes, but then I got stronger, because you take a Viagra, you fuck, fuck. But then you got nothing, because you got no love. And I'd be like, I'm here for both, Dad. Come on, man that we're past it Lean in I'd love that I would love I'm trying to I mean my dad never you know He didn't have as good a time and we're trying to get it

I just wish it's like if you were just if you just fucked a couple things up. Yeah, we're past it. Tell me Oh, so your dad still yours. He just like... I think my dad just struggled with... You know, he didn't have the life he thought he was gonna have. He moved to America, didn't really think he was gonna do that. I don't know if he was a super ambitious guy. I don't know what he thought it would be. I don't know that he had a plan. I think it was just... It was just like, yeah, he met my mom, and everything until then was like, oh...

And then they wanted to have kids here here Okay, but the thing is they it took them forever to have kids So I was one of the first I was one of the first like in vitro Yeah, and like kids and I think and that's that process took them ten years So they wanted to have kids and fucking I was born in 89. They want to have kids in like 80 You know what I mean? And so and so I think I my dad by the time his whole life had been like him you know they met my mom when they were

relatively young yeah they get married relatively young sorry there's all this stuff with in vitro that we're creating like the perfect babies like we're also afraid of AI in the future. You're great proof that we're fine They were baited testing me or yeah, you know, we're scared at the end of the day humans gonna human I'm yeah, we're gonna be us. No, this is how you'd sneak it in though You say you sneak in perfect like you think what if under me there was a beautiful ex like exoskeleton It's scary pop out of my fat ass. It's like a 411, like, super killer. Oh, that's the best comedy action sci-fi movie. Write that down, Elvis.

All right. Let's get this going. We can make this work, dude. We're not going to get a huge budget, but between us, we can make it for $1.1 million. We can get under $5 million. We can get $1.1 million. I saw that Netflix movie, I mean,

the Hulu movie for some money. We're OK. All right. We got to live under $10 million. We got to live under $5 million. We can get one hundred. We can sell that Netflix movie, the Hulu movie for some money. We're okay. Alright. We gotta live under ten. We gotta live under ten. This is a funny idea for generally. If we were, that's how they were hiding it.

But I actually met somebody later who she was, she was an in vitro kid but her parents were lesbians and there's a big problem with in vitro of like Almost like selecting out like it's gotten kind of Racist and like ableist over time where it's like how they pick it They all with everyone it's like two lesbians that they don't they're not into dudes But they're like alright give us the fucking Harvard educated six five Swedish blonde guy with blue eyes Yeah, and it's like that's just gonna happen over and over again So a lot of in vitro kids, like against their will are just like, I mean, I guess no kid gets to pick

his parents really, but it's like, she was studying. And that's a very fascinating thing. We didn't need signs for that. That's human beings just being like, they're not picking me. You know what I mean? If I'm in a sperm bank, they're not like, oh. But isn't that also a version of natural selection?

Yeah, but it's like on stick cuz you take out everything But take out charm like you take out alcohol. I got a fighting chance in the real world Yeah, you see my nuts got a chance in the not Press a button and the character in the little like jizz catalog talks and you're like you're like press this for bits And you're like I do want funny. Yeah Because you might have a guy who's like six foot four Doctor look like but honestly that personality matters. Yeah, and it does get passed down. I see that my kids

I'm like, you know when my I have two dogs are young cocaine. They're already Seven-year-old girls Two dollars already on cocaine. They're already I wasn't accusing your children of being gay Hey, man. Don't get a second, my dick with a beard. I'm saying pass. Unless I'm on that show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Iam.com going like this. Unless you're on fucking orgasm. I'm not into it. Ooh.

Yeah, dude. It wouldn't even have taken me the three minutes. Are you kidding me? I couldn't get hard on you. That's not a chance against Grader. That's true. That's a good point. I don't care how much viagra I'm taking.

I am too aware of it being in front of an audience. Well, you say that, but as a man who has really taken plenty of dick pills, I'll tell ya, sometimes it stops being a penis, and it's more of just like a mallet. Is that true? That you're filled with blood through, like, you know, medical means.

Yeah. It's a real game changer. One time I was gonna fuck this insanely hot girl, and I like overdid it, and I was like, let me just make sure my dick, and I just just it was like a Faustian bargain of like well I have a hard dick, but it might as well be Elders's dick Like I didn't feel it was like a such it was like an over inflated balloon and I couldn't bust It was just like weird, but she did think I was weirdly good at fucking but what does that matter?

You know, I'll never see her again You'll never be that good again. Yeah. Yeah, and what's the point of having good cock if you can't let some nuts off? So anyway, my point is I think you could get hard but yeah at what cost yeah in front of life You know, but that's interesting about your parents. So they started, so your dad moved here. They both moved here. They met there. They met, so my mom's parents moved to America.

My grandfather got a job. This shows you how much they cared about family input at the time, it's the 70s in Greece. Some guy just offers him a job and he comes back and he's like, hey, got a job, it's in America, I'll go for a year and send you back money and then you'll come. There was no, what do you think about this? There was no nothing.

This is happening. This is like, hey, by the way, this is happening, I'm leaving in like a day or whatever. Shocking. So then they move the family, and my mom's like, by the time she moves to America, she's like 18, the worst age to completely move. At least her younger sister was like, she got to go to school. She got a schooling, yeah. She got the shot. Totally.

She was more of a, she had more of like the culture she understood a little more. My mom is fluent, but she went back, she basically went back as soon as she could. Your mom did. My mom went back to Greece, and her best friend was friends with my dad. It was like they met through friends early, got married, were in Greece for a while, and were just kinda, I think they were just kinda a nameless young couple.

Like, it is, that's the period I'm most interested in, is like, what did my parents, cause I just thought parents got married and they had me, but dude, they didn't have me till they were 34. They just chumped their time. I don't remember if it was, they either had me at 34 or 36, or maybe they had me at 34, my brothers at 36,

either way. But yeah, you don't think about that, but now being the age they were, when they had me, I'm like, whoa, that was my, like, I had a whole, I know what that period feels like. That was a life. Those 15 years are like the biggest yeah for the thing You think about the most your 20s to 35. That's one of the most you know and so so anyway

I don't know what the fuck they were up to in Greece eventually come to America and Just cuz my they they move in with my mom's parents. They live you know they live in the apartment They could miss a Baltimore a townhouse. Yeah, the house. I grew up in. It was, they converted the top floor of an apartment. And yeah, they were just, they stayed there to make money in America. And then because they had problems having kids, they stayed for Invitro, which was happening here, not in Greece at the time.

And I think my dad just woke up. And he's old. It was fucking 1996. His kids are, he thought he'd have five year old, no, we were like, I'm born in 89, so he has little kids, but it's the 90s. He thought he would have little kids in the 80s. You know, that decade he thought he was... Like my cousins are all, you know, my cousin's like, you know, eight years older than me.

Like, he thought he was gonna be in that zone. So I think he just woke up. His life wasn't what he wanted, but he also just didn't have any ambition, so he was just kind of a dickhead a little bit. Like he was around, but just unhappy, you know? And then a little cheating here, and then he got, I talk about it on my special, but he had a heart attack and lost weight, and that was the moment he was like,

I should get pussy. He wasn't like, well, I knew Lisa on life, let me connect with my family. It was like- But you know what might have happened Yeah, yeah, I heard somebody say about cheating that it's options Yeah, rather than it started internally in his head. He literally might have been in a restaurant You're so all of a sudden a young waitress is flirting with him

I don't know about young, but a waitress Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah He goes like this, why are you talking to me like this? Right, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Why am I not invisible? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why am I not invisible? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean, have a good day to me? You're right, you're right.

You're absolutely right. And then all of a sudden, he goes home and he's like, man, people are seeing me differently. You're absolutely right. And I'm not dead yet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, that's a wild turn. But anyway, my whole point in all of that was to just be like,

I would love to have my, whatever my dad's version of I'm getting pussy and doing coke and going to the fucking and watching, you know, the last dance live. Like I'd love to just, just tell me dude. I'm a grown man, stop lying to me. So that's the thing about whenever I talk about my dad, I'm 45 years old, but I don't have any of the sadness. So some of the stories we would be like,

you know, even having to say like, he left on us too, he was back when I was 18. It's because we had so many years as straight up friends. He was in my- Four presidential terms your dad took off. Yeah, but in my phone, like when he died, I was talking to my brother, I'm like, I literally lost a top five friend.

You know you've got like a few friends you text with that you're like, I really like these three to five. Totally, totally, totally. He was a guy. I make some of them podcast producers. So that way it's like, let's really, let's test the limits of this. We have to be in touch. It's only because I really like you.

Of course. No, honestly, if I had hired anyone but Eldis, that guy would have killed me by now. Eldis is with me so long. And Eldis has thought about it a couple of times. I would like they that would have that guy would have killed me by now Elders has thought about it a couple times Over my bed But he's so when he died he was like but by the end I had heard so many we used to do a thing where When we would hang out I'd go back to Chicago to shoot something cuz Swamberg's out there, but a partner I've worked with a lot. So I'm there my brother's there with his kids My mom's there with his kids,

my mom's there, so I try to get back a lot. And I would always have, by the last like eight years he wasn't leaving his house very much. Gotcha. So fun, he had a big ass TV, there was always Chicago sports. We'd sit next to each other. Is he a fat Chicago guy or just like?

He was, big fat guy with a mustache. Love it. And then it slowly started to go, and then as you die, every like 10 years you start John Goodman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the natural Ozempick. Yeah, die, every like 10 years you start John Goodman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the natural Ozempic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's God's Ozempic. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know, it just kept getting smaller. But we could sit there and he'd go like, you know, I don't like the bitch. And here's what, and then, and then. Once we get all that out, we'd be sitting there,

and then I'd be like, he's not gonna ask questions. Right. He's not interested. You know that's not who he is. That's not that generation. And so then you get to go, I'd be like he's not gonna ask questions right we're not he's not interested You know that's not that's not that generation yeah, so then you get to go. I'd be like like it was an interview right I was like so you started selling cars, but you didn't know cars you go. I didn't care about cars This is fucking Charlie right right right those old guys once they get going yeah, they just let it rip Yeah, you're like oh, I got to know your personality, and I like you. Yeah.

Terrible dad to young kids. That's what I think about all the time. But great guy. I think I would be friends with my dad, because he does. I got this from somewhere. Right. That's it. And he has a little bit.

He was a funny. I mean, he's not. He's a funny guy. But it's like, I think. And now, I don't know if he'd be a top friend. I don't want to get too into it. I've assassinated this man's character a lot on multiple comedy specials. So I don't want to get too into it.

We're trying to get better, so I'll keep the details out of it. I've thought about that, but that's interesting that you guys were able to just kind of get back in the zone. Well, I took all the personal stuff out of it, all the, but when you literally, he literally never came to a game. Literally, he was the guy who would go like, you know, he'd be like, we should, he's like, you don't know how to golf?

And I'd be like, I'm literally raised by women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's gonna teach me? Wow, that's a horrible throw. It's like, why do you think that it is? Like's a horrible throw. Yeah. Why do you think that? Yeah, like you see this yeah I'm watching Shawn Dunstan my man He was the guy who would say like Sunday 10 a.m. I'm here and I would tell my mom and I'd be like so tomorrow

I'm playing golf with dad and she'd be like he's not gonna come and I would always do the like bitch You're wrong such this is why This is why he's not here. Yeah I gotta say you're a fucking bitch. It's you pushing. Sitting outside, pre-cell phones, 10 turns to noon, turns to 2, walking in and going to my mom being like I'm choosing to pass on golf today. Yeah I got a lot of shit to catch up on. But as you get older and you know I'm sitting next to this guy you know know, and he had cancer, Parkinson's, it was eating him up. When you parted that hard, you pay the price.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'd be like, I know it's not forever. And I'm like, and this fucking guy is here right now. And when I leaned into that, the fucking joy I got from him and then the good dad he became as an adult. Right, right, right. Like in terms of his business, he helped me so much. Interesting.

By being a Chicago capitalist rat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause he would say things he's like, you know you always talk everything for you as a team, like you're on a fucking basketball team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy and this guy, you can win together. He goes, when you're gonna realize you're a boxer.

Right. Yeah. You win, you get paid. Right. And I'd be like, well yeah, so I'm on an improv team and he'd be like, who gives a shit? I saw the show. Some of the guys aren't very good. And I'd be like, I know, but.

Like, where? And he's like, stop it. And then I'd be like, I remember thinking like, you're kind of an asshole, man. Yeah. And then as I moved out to LA and I saw it, I'm like, yeah, I'm not sharing my bill. Like, this is, that's what I'm talking about being a hater. About somebody else's stuff. I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

What you eat doesn't make me shit. If you're killing it, there's so much stuff now, big people killing it right now, I don't even know. Totally. I'm not watching any of it. I'm doing my stuff in my lane, I'm making mine. I'm like, I'm fine. Yeah, and you need to be a cutthroat scumbag.

You need a little bit of that. Yes. And it's like, you know. And then once you are, and it's like, you cut the river so that some of the water comes your way, then you can go like, all right, I'm not a, they're done, I'm done, I don't need all the water. But like, I gotta divert some my way.

To me, it's more like, it is good to have that feeling of like, everyone's trying to fuck you. That's more what it is it's like not even cut it's cut throat, but not even scumbag so much as like Not like just don't trust anyone understand that all of this is a it's just trying everyone is just trying to get money Yeah, it's literally I don't see about Hollywood and I know with everything's happening right now I'm not in the a circle, so I don't know what those guys are doing yeah, but this whole idea You're not you mean you're on the fucking spider-man group chat, bro

But I'm leaving voice notes This whole idea that, you know, this town is so dark and fucking Satan and pedicab, I haven't seen any of that shit. Any of this fucking dark, dark stuff that everyone's like, it's everywhere. I haven't seen it. What I have seen is this is a-

Come on, even when you girl was hot, you got a little bit of it, bro. Don't be modest. You got into a couple pedophile rooms. A couple parties where you're like, I don't want to go into the beach house right now. You know what's even sadder? I wouldn't have hated if my story was like, I was there and I chose the right path. None! Damn, just Zoe was getting the fucking invites huh?

Just parties! Where you'd be like, yeah I guess there's a lot of people also on Fox. So, Raising Hope? Yeah. Seems like a good show. I haven't seen it. I haven't. Mindy Kaling's got another one here. Okay.

Right, right, right. But what I have seen is a lot of intense capitalism and that Kumbaya shit is not it. There's a big table, there's a lot of seats. If you have a seat there, there's a lot of people capitalism, and that Kumbaya shit is not it. There's a big table, there's a lot of seats. If you have a seat there, there's a lot of people trying to take your seat. A hundred percent, yeah. Anyone who pretends like, I got your seat saved, it's like mean junior high stuff

and you're the new kid in school. Nobody's got your back, you gotta have your own. I'm like, that's LA. That's this game. But once you lean into that, I'm like, fun. I'll have my seat as long as I can when it's over. Thanks for the fucking cheese. It was a lot of fun man. Totally and I definitely feel like it's crazy to have any success. I assume you have the same thing when you're just born into such bullshit. When you're with fucking Eddie stripping

neon at 12 and your fucking dad is getting his dick sucked. Like probably like one mile away. Like geographically he's so close. It's not far. Well that was the sad thing about Tyrell Owens when he had his freak out. Where his whole thing was his dad would you found out like his dad who was like I want nothing to do with this kid. Lived like nine houses down.

If you're gonna do that as a dad, move far away. You gotta go. Three bus transfers. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Gotta be across town. It's gotta be far. You gotta go. Three bus transfers. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Gotta be across town. It's gotta be far away. You gotta, couple zip codes. A couple zip codes.

It cannot be the same zip. It would be nice if it was a different city. Different city would be nice, but zip code minimum. Zip codes are... Minimum zip codes. Zip codes. You can't be getting your mail mixed up. No.

How are we doing time-wise, Elvis, here? We're at, I think, about like 48 right now. All right, why don't we do some calls? This is hilarious that we're on a time crunch when we have a guest who's actually interesting and telling incredible stories. We're like, yeah, sorry, man, we gotta get four done today. So everyone's like, wow, this is a good episode.

I was like, nah, don't enjoy it too much, folks. At the end of the day, we gotta get four done in a day. So you gotta come back, though. It's like don't enjoy too much folks today. You know we gotta get four done in a day You gotta come back though Please come to the studio. Let's do once you boys get those cans on oh there he is Yeah place some good ones here eldest anything to plug by the way in the midway point check out the the pod, we're here to help and that's kinda it. Everything else is coming when it's coming. I mean he doesn't wanna plug the movie

but I like the movie. Self Reliance on Hulu. Love it. I mean, you know, honestly everything's kinda out there that's out there. So it's a really fun movie, it's on Hulu, if you got it, it's free. We're here to help whenever you can do it

and then developing a TV show I'm really excited about. Oh hell yeah, I love it. I'll come back and talk about that. Please. Hi, so I'm hoping you can help me out. Basically, I've been working doing bookkeeping type stuff, scheduling appointments, yada yada, with a psychic that lives in my town.

She's local and very popular. But business lately, I've worked there for a while now, but business lately hasn't been great. And I'm the only employee at this place. Do you have is there a way for us to look at the fucking transcripts? Yes I had the same thing I couldn't quite hear what you're saying. Oh a psychic. She's been doing bookkeeping for a psychic okay and get that fucking bigger for us there chief. So she's a bookkeeper for a psychic. Okay, and get that fucking bigger for us there chief So she's a bookkeeper for a psychic. Yes, and business hasn't been going great. All right, we're caught up To fucking Apple Plus you dumb motherfucker. I'm trying to see bigger fucking letters

There you go Dumbass. You're earning that 11 fitting. At first I thought Stally was the bad guy. Now I'm torn. Any, any, uh, ever come into a contact with any Albanians that got them in Chicago? Albanians, sure. I mean, Belushi was an Albanian. Oh, true. Yeah, that is a big, that's a big hit for me when it comes to me and El, El this is Albanian. He does get Belushi, which is a tough one, him, Elijah comes to me and Elders is Albanian. He does get Belushi, which is a tough one. Him, Elijah Dusku, half of Action Bronson, those are all tough for me.

Those are big wins for Albanians. He won't claim Dua Lipa because he says she's a Kosovar. She's a Kosovar. Technically not Albanian. All right, let's go. So this lady's a bookkeeper for a psychic. Gotcha. I've worked there for a while now, but business lately hasn't been great. And I'm the only employee at this place, aside from her, you know, the namesake. And she sat me down the

other day and basically just gave me the speech about how business isn't going too great. And he told me that that psychic stuff is really big right now and that she's thinking about expanding the practice of bringing in a pet psychic. Okay. Yeah. So people that do readings. Yes it is. Yes. And offered me the position. and offered me the position. I do not possess any psychic abilities. Pause this, this is fucking awesome. This lady just be like, I mean, look,

she's basically telling her employee it is bullshit. Yes. And it's like, I love that they have a pet psychic because it's like, you can't talk to them. You can't prove it. It's like a baby psychic. Yeah. It's like a human psychic, you're not,

we can communicate, you can not, we can communicate. Can you communicate, let alone read their mind? Pet psychic is another level of bullshit. That's awesome. That is great. You bring a lizard in. I see your dog is going to eat cat shit in the future. He's going to fucking die within 10 years.

The reality of this call though is that it is big business. I believe that. And I believe that pet owners who view those pets as their kids, who have such a bond with them, they feel like any way to fake communicate or feel like they can hear, they will spend real money. True, true, no, you're right. I think the psychic's not a bad business lady,

we'll give her that. Let's see what our caller, let's see, let's conclude here eldest not possess any psychic abilities of any kind and she's well aware of this she Basically told me that she wants me to buy these people and tell them that I can communicate with their dead animals And I would be getting paid Double my current salary. That's fucking awesome. She gave her the Alec Baldwin Never told me I don't know

So she said she said she was working This is fucked up. I thought this woman was a real straight shooter talking to people's dead relatives Animals I gotta ask her a couple quite. Wait a second. Has she been lying the whole time? I mean, very clearly, if the woman's asking to double her salary and she's already working for a psychic, of course she does it. This is not...if she's in a galaxy where she doesn't want to do this shit, she's like, my cousin's a psychic. I don't know I feel weird booking appointments because I don't want to be fucking them involved in the muck right now She went then you're different right you're in the muck. Yeah, you work for the car. Yeah, you're in the hustle You're Epstein's limo driver

Doing the fucking cards in Times Square? You're the person going like, hey you, Hawaiian shirt, five bucks! And then going, I don't want to be a crook. Your hands are bloody. That is true. So I guess it comes down to, can you pull it off? The moral stuff, because she's basically, we talked over her a little bit, but she's like, she rejected morally

Just out in everything just outing everything the psychics told you so cute that you didn't do that You thought she was legit. This is what you call the business a mark Whoever she is you go like yeah, I'm gonna give you my Venmo because there's some stuff I need to talk to you about I know oh, so I just need to give you a thousand Then you're gonna send me 15,000? Right, right, right. The bank right now in Switzerland is holding my money. Please don't respond, don't click any links you don't recognize in your email.

Because she's worth there. It's one thing to be like, to believe in being a psychic. She's there every day. But she's been there for a while and she's still like, huh? She knows this bitch. What the hell is going on here? So yeah, I mean you have to really be careful you have to do I guess I guess my question is that let's take the moral

Aspect out of it right because it's like whatever it's all fucking bullshit, but also it's too late. It's too late Yeah, if you want to be a moral person because everybody makes up their own lines in the sand, too late. Yeah, he thinks he's already fucked. You can't. I will say this. What? It's a difference between being a mob associate and a maid guy. Agreed.

You know, it's like, it is- But if you're saying to the guy, hop in the Oldsmobile, right? And then you open the door, then there's three mafia guys, and they go, and I say to you, hop in the Oldsmobile, sit in the front seat. And you you go why would I sit in the front seat? I'm new here I just did that one weird thing with gambling that went sideways and I go they want you to have shotgun and you get killed right? Yeah, morally am I I hear you but but you're not you aren't as bad as the guy I agree So that's what I'm saying is like she's not clean, but this is this is like a hustler She's not quite the this is down, Nebraska. Exactly and this is it. But she's not the hustler. She's not quite the hustler. This is Donnie Brasco.

Exactly. This is you're going in deep. I don't think, and more than the morals, right? Because I honestly, and maybe I'm showing my lack of moral character here, I don't give a fuck about. The kind of dumb motherfucker that thinks they can talk to their dead fucking Labrador,

take their money, you need it more than them. If they have, now look, if they're poor, if this honestly comes down to class for me. Well, I promise you they're not gonna be rich. Yeah. Well, they didn't make the money. They could be somebody's dumb husband or wife or some shit. It might have been money passed down. Yeah, if it's a trophy wife or a nepo baby

or like any of that shit, feel free. But if it's a trophy wife or a nepo baby or like any of that shit feel free But if it's someone with their last dollar Trying to like I just you know their dog just died and they're like I never got to I didn't know where they wanted to Be buried and I need to fucking do it But like honestly I think as long as these people got a little expendable income morally who fucking cares but Can you pull it off because you're such a more such a naive soul of course you think you know what I mean

of course you can it's probably so much easier than even doing basic bookkeeping I think you are actually dead right so what I think it is is because all this stuff with this whole world and I'll go down the road every once in a while Well, I'll get a little I'll get weird. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because what I love is I don't know. Yeah Yeah, I'm with I don't know. I you know, we can all pretend I'm with you the older I've gotten the more because I used to always when people would say shit about energy I'd be like shot the fuck up and now I'm like, I don't know. I do I do feel energy. Yeah, sometimes so you want to weird stars

We fuck yeah, I just told it's just happened. Please. I don't have a great ending cuz I don't know So, you know, I went to therapy years ago when my kids were coming and I was like, I'm good They were bored. I'm like, I'm just getting weird. Yeah, I need to talk this out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I went to this lady. She said I'm not, I'm getting an urge to gamble and sell Buicks. Well, when I moved to LA, I worked at the Hollywood Park Casino, so that itch was already gone. And unfortunately for the Buicks, I'd already been on TV where I'm like, I gotta sell 10,000 Buicks.

I'm not that good of a salesman. Oh, that's a tough one to fucking go from TV to fucking car selling. Or, the best. Yeah, that's true. Oh, that's true tough one to fucking go from TV to fucking car selling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah the best. Yeah, that's true Oh, that's true. Hey, did you like the show? But your name's gotta be on the deal of course, and I'm in every commercial Yeah, yeah, actually, that's yeah together We got a movie in a car dealership Into the ideal used car salesman without even meaning it.

Yes, you are. And then I would be the guy. I mean, look at this. I got a fucking pinky ring and Greek coffee cup. Are you kidding? This is it, dude. You with a Marlowe light in your right hand, talking to somebody, and then it-

Come to Dimitri. Come to Dimitri, Nissan and Altima. We will get you the number one Altima, Morano, whatever you need. And then at a certain point, I go like this, can I talk to you guys without my brother for just a second? And I go, he's wonderful, but I'm gonna tell you this, I'm gonna be honest with you.

He's pushing something that's not right for you guys. You guys should not walk out of here without Altima. And I'll tell you why, it's too expensive for you. And then the husband goes like, I think we can afford the Altima. I I'll tell you why, it's too expensive for that. And then the husband goes like, I think we can afford the Altima. I'm gonna put you guys in a used car that's more you guys. I can see the way you dress your wife. You guys aren't made of money.

I'm so sorry, my brother's, he's interrupting. Guys, come over here. You know what, if the price is an issue, I'll knock a thousand. We just have the whole thing going. My brother's interrupting. If a thousand's an issue, here's what we can do. Why don't we do this? I'm going to knock two thousand off, but what I'm going to do is I'm going to charge you for a little thing. I got to put a wax on your tires. I can't have you drive out of here with a car that gets dents on it. My fucking brother would. I love a buddy would. All right. So what's your weird story? So I went to a therapist.

We did hypnotherapy. We were kind of talking, she said, she was getting into the energy stuff, she goes, I know you're not a big believer in this, blah blah blah. For a couple years I said, and I'm not interested, and finally she said, would you ever try Reiki? And I don't know what Reiki is, but sure. So she found some late- People do fucking like, kamehamehas at you.

And honestly, for my two cents, the reason I did did it if you ever smoke too much pot or you eat mushrooms Yeah, and all of a sudden you're like the trees are Mushrooms is where it all started for me where everyone's talking about I'm like shut the fuck up I just want to see colors and have a good time and literally a fucking I'm not kidding When I've said this before a tree in Seattle convinced me to date my last serious girlfriend. I am losing my fucking mind at a park. By the way, I thought it was a huge park. I went back like a year later.

It was like two blocks by two blocks. It was nothing. It was called, fuck, I keep forgetting. I'll remember later, whatever. But it was such a small park, like in the university district. And truly, I was like, and then I had another time after the pandemic,

where in the middle of the pandemic, where I was just like so, you know, everyone's so lonely and I just fucking just took mushrooms for no reason. Yeah. Went outside, hadn't been outside in a while, walk all across Queens and shit. I'm sitting in my Costco. There's a Costco with a nice view of Roosevelt Island. I ditched the mess, I'm outside.

It was at that point where we're like not afraid to be outside. Yeah, yeah. And I'm literally just crying at the Costco looking at fucking Roosevelt Island and thinking about every woman I've ever loved, which includes like my mother, not just women I've dated, but it was just like women. You love women.

And I'm just crying about how the ones I've let down and the ones who have always been there for me. And I'm just on mushrooms alone, fresh out of the pandemic. I'm growing out my hair, it's in this weird fucked up spot. And I'm just crying and there's like a big titted German lady like talking next to me. It was one of the weirdest moments, but all that. Excellent.

Those mushrooms were the start of me being like, ooh, something's up here. Anyway, go ahead. So you're getting Reiki. One of the weirdest moments, but all that, those mushrooms were the start of me being like, ooh, something's up here. Anyway, go ahead. So you're getting Reiki? So I did my mushrooms in high school. So the reason I don't do it now is I'm like, I don't know if I'm ever gonna get back on a set again.

And that's where I do it. I was like, once you go too far with one of these, there's no coming back. So I go to this lady out in Laverne. My therapist didn't know her. It was like this comes recommended. She's just a Reiki fan in general. She just said, honestly her thought was like,

it might work for you, but I'm also not pushing it. And I just had a thing where I was like, honestly, kind of sounds like an interesting Tuesday. I'm not smoking weed these days. I'm not eating mushrooms. I'm barely drinking. Right, right, right. I could use a little something to spice it up. Throw some spices in weed these days. I'm not eating mushrooms. I'm barely drinking right right right I could use a little something Yeah, throw some spices in between these ears. I'm getting a little bored mentally

You know like working on a project talking about the project Yeah, the project developing and I'm just getting a little bored. Yeah, so that was my energy and be like let's see what happens Mm-hmm. I walk in there the lady goes. This is weird little shop. She walks in She goes why are you here? And I go I believe I'm shop. She walks in she goes why are you here? And I go I believe I'm here for Reiki and she goes why are you here? And I go Aggressive by the way. Yeah, truly. Yeah, I'm here for Reiki. She's got a gift. She can't be wasting her time Yeah, and people will do that every once in a while with me where I'm like, why are you getting hard on me? Yeah, I was coming in soft. Totally. I'm coming in hand in hand. Totally.

You're getting tacky like I'll be an asshole too, but I thought we were going to be really nice. Totally. I thought you were going to light incense, do candles. I was going to cry. Yeah, yeah, massage vibes. Massage vibes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And hers was like, no, you're not being honest with me. And I'm like, I mean, I am a liar, but I'm, I am being honest with you. Yeah, we don't have any trust to betray yet. I don't know you. I haven't let you down. Yeah. And then she goes, you have a dark energy that surrounds you, that is outside of you. And I will say, part of me,

and I was talking to my wife about this, the thing that really got triggered is the kid version of me, and that is now I'm gonna fuck with you. It took everything in me not to go, you thing I was. But in like a real, because she was believing that there was a real darkness around that was scaring her.

And I was like, all I need to do is literally go like, what do you mean? I don't think I do. And then go like this. You think I do? You fucking idiot. You fucking. I'm like, we're in a little room in Laverne.

We could turn this into the wildest hour. But I'm like, you're 45. You're Yeah, that's a bit you would have done at 12 Yeah, don't do it. Yeah, don't do it We're sitting on the table She starts to and you try to do that then she just goes like this and just like actually puts it on you and then You're actually talking like that But it ends up turning into like a weird seance. Whoa. And crystals all over my body.

She's got some gong right in my ear. She's talking half Spanish, half English. So much incense in the air that I'm like choking a little bit. And in my head, there's the me voice being like, this is getting wild. Yeah, absolutely. This is getting a little bit out of my control. But if it was a six foot six guy, I would have left. Yeah, but I'm like worst-case scenario I can get out of punch her in the fucking head. I can just stand up and go. Yeah. Yeah, I appreciate it

I'm gonna go right right so I was in that mode, but then I was like just a lean in yep And so she's like how do I and it's going and I did feel some version of a release Yeah, going back to this was that release real? I don't know Wow But if you tell somebody about their dog and you go there's an old dog and they go like my dog Tiger has died He's 40. He's been my best friend. He was there with my Bob died of cancer. And then you go like Hmm, and you feel like Tiger wants you to know that you are okay. Yeah, and that you'll be okay Tiger loves you. Yeah, and she goes like

Nice totally it's all bullshit Like who knows yeah step into it Yeah So I would say a hundred percent lean in be a pet psychic get on commercials do infomercial double your pay sounds nice I just and you could do something for them, but you have to have the conviction. You have to start lying to yourself now if you're gonna do this. I think you also have to start believing that you can do it. You also have to change your look.

Absolutely. Because if you're gonna be a pet psychic, you can't look like a receptionist. Loose fitting, loose fitting, layers of semi see-through on their own stuff, but like kind of layered over top of it. Burn sage around you so you've got an array. You gotta smell like you were at a fish concert. Yeah. And you gotta look.

You need essential oils. You need essential, no shoes. No shoes. If you don't wash your hair for a couple days so that it's got a different. You need it oily, you need it crunchy. Yes, put it in some weird version of a braid, lot of necklaces, lot of jewelry

so when your hands move, you hear sounds. You need jewelry, you need crystals in your shit and you need to ask them to bring a fucking, their favorite thing so you can feel it energetically. Cause you need to figure out a way to lie about it and be like, I can contact them through energy or something like that. And every once in a while,

you're gonna have to pick one person to pretend that their dog hates them. Yes, exactly. Because you need one bad review. You need mostly five stars, then you need one review where it becomes clear, where the person's just mad, you said like. And then comment back on the other one,

be like, I'm really sorry the reading was negative. Yes, exactly. That's the last thing I wanted to. I'm merely a vessel. But your dog had issues with your behavior. I am sorry. He hated the electric shock collar. You knew it.

You knew what you did. You bought a fucking shepherd dog and you kept it indoors. And you did it to be mean. And you thought he'd like it. And you did it to be mean. And he knows it. So throw one of those in the mix every like 15 times. Also for the room real true maniacs like this have like a weird thing like tangerines where there's like

an orange theme there's a thing they're eating when you come in yeah so everything you go like I don't feel comfortable this woman's eating a fucking tangerine yeah smells like a joint, there's like weird sounds, there's a wrapper of a tangerine, like you got the peel of it, you look in the garbage just- I think even more, I say essence of it. Making clear tangerines where they're never let them see a tangerine. Oh interesting, so all they smell is tangerine. I gotta tell you, it smells like I was inside of a tangerine.

That's interesting. But they never see it and you never mention it. If they bring it up, you go like this. No. Maybe you come out of a room, you're clearly chewing, you're finishing a tangerine, but they never see the fuck any evidence. And also I would lean into, I would study mentalism.

Mentalism is a lot of fun, especially if you can plant words early on, so that like if all of a sudden, for one if it's tangerine, everything's tangerineine and then at one point you go like I'm having a really crazy thing they're trying to relay something to you it is a fruit and she goes and you write down tangerine oh that's good and you go like they're trying to tell you something right now it's a fruit it's like as it's something that they they they like it's it's little and then it's or what is it what

is and then you don't even say for you go like it's little take a ball but it's little and then it's or what is it? What is it? And then you don't even say for you go like it's little take a ball, but it's not a ball you play with it So yeah, she does tangerine and you go like Tangerine If you pull it out true now you got business if they don't say it never pull it out But then you just have to have like a long piece of paper in your head. I don't know also go through their Facebook You just have to have like a weird piece of paper in your ear. Just move on. Be like, I don't know. Also, go through their Facebook. You know, these are old, these are people that like,

find as much as you can about them and just any random thing about their dog, you just throw it out. So yeah, we got a good way to get you to be a fucking fake. I got one more on it. Please. In terms of mushrooms and weed, smoke a huge joint before everybody comes in

so it's right on top of you so you believe your own bullshit Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, if it's all happening you have to start lying to yourself. You have to start lying to yourself Yeah, I would I would say I don't know if I could do huge joint for me The vibe would be the right vibe would be like a five milligram edible. Yes I think that's exactly right a little some where you're feel good feel loose have the right music when they come in and they walk in If you're sitting on the couch and your eyes are closed, don't open them right away. Yeah.

Address them with eyes closed. Then they go like, hi, are you Carol? And you go like, hi, give me a second here. And she goes, everything okay? And you go, just communicating. Yeah, yeah, yeah, one moment. Give them a moment. And you remember their name, like Rebecca?

Yep. And then don't be afraid to hug and don't be afraid to hold the I love that that weird touch where you're like This is all great. I mean we honestly have set this girl up That bow babies we will talk to your Have a fucking little side. I love a side room at the dealership What else we got, Big Eld? Hey Stovey, hey Elders. Love you guys. I'm just calling about a problem that I've got coming up later in the year. I'm living in Amsterdam and I'm meant to be going to a music festival with one

of my best friends who's living in London. And we had everything planned and everything like that. He's going to stay with me when he comes to Amsterdam, got the tickets booked and everything. But now he tells me his girlfriend is coming with him for this like trip. And I really, I don't really want her staying on me. I really don't want to go to the festival with her. She's just, she's really a kind of a difficult person.

She's gonna like kind of be on his case the entire time and on my case the entire time. And yeah, just not really looking forward to it. But this guy, he didn't have, he like, this is like his first girlfriend. That wasn't really successful with dating before he started seeing her. That's tough. Basically, she's just a little bit annoying. She's really sweet. But I don't know if I really want to go to this festival with her. and I don't know if I should just suck it up

or find a way to warm up this arrangement. Yeah, please let me know. Thank you, love you guys, bye. The guy who got no play and has his first little piece of pussy pie, that's a tough guy to get. He's honestly probably lost forever. He's lost until she's done with him. She's lost for this festival for sure.

Oh, this festival's done. This is really what you... Are you man enough to admit you don't want to do this? I guess the math you have to do is what is more important to you the festival or your relationship to your friend? I think there's another way okay lie lie about what you can't make it. He's fun. The guy's flying in to visit him Okay, right, okay, so the guy's coming and I saw this is a huge faux pas by the way I'm great you can the friend pulled a fucking shit move. That's fucking wild.

But even if it's not just the girlfriend, I'll tell you another thing I hate. Let's say you go, let's get lunch. And I go, yeah sure, I guess Wednesday's time we're getting lunch. And we get there and you go, this is my stand up buddy. That's fucked up. I go, I wasn't looking for a third. That's fucked up. I'm down for, I've agreed to this.

I don't like the add on friend. Hundred percent. I've agreed to this I don't like the the add-on friend 100% and listen if it's a thing like hey I was with this guy you're gonna love them Do you is it cool but that has to be before you I need to be okay to go and I don't have to I don't Want to say like no, I'm a 45 year old prick. I don't want to be Can say is All good, but hey something came up can't can't make it. And you can't push. Because if you push, then I gotta go,

what the fuck you doing man? I don't know your fucking cousin. Totally, totally, totally, totally. Pass. Yeah, be like, ah dude, and listen, I fucking done that before, right? Like, where I was just like, ah dude, I can't. I can't make it.

I can't do that. And I would say, you have every right. You planned a trip. You do. He's coming here, he's staying with you, you're going to a festival. You were excited three days with just another guy for this. That's a big commitment.

Big commitment. Also, I will say, you're absolutely right. He, the mature thing to do is to just be like, hey man, I thought it was gonna be a bros hang. But you're entering a conversation you don't wanna be in. But it's your guy, right? I know, but here's what I don't want to have happen.

Yeah, man, I agree, but I love her. And you go like, I agree, man, but I don't want to do this. Now... But it's not on you. That's the thing. Yeah, interesting. That's him fucking it up. That is the mature, the truly mature thing to do here, is be like, look, I like your, I like that you're dating a girl, whatever. Because he even says she's sweet, but kind of annoying. He's not even saying he fucking hates this girl.

He just doesn't want to be with this girl He just doesn't want to be just doesn't want he his bros day was ripped from his hands Yeah, and that even like somebody like I love eldest his wife She's great if we had if we had a fucking take a turn here that makes all of us Yeah, but I'm trying to get him to get a divorce get an annulment It hasn't been that long no, but but like she's great and we will hang. Like we'll go on vacation together, whatever. But if we had had a thing planned with just the boys and Eldiz says, you know,

and it's like somebody who I actually like, I'm still like, are you out of your fucking mind? Let alone if it's someone who's annoying. I will say for me, it's even less about her because I don't even see it as like the, a boys day versus she comes. If you guys were hanging out and you brought me, Right, right, right.

He's got the right to go, I don't wanna hear his stories. Yeah. When it's you and me, we talk 50% of the time, fucking nose won't shut up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think you need to have that thing. I would say if I was him straight up, hey man, all good without going into the

big depths of the lies. I don't think you can. I'm a no go on this festival. I don't think he can go that extreme. I think that's a little tough. You think you suck it up and you do the trick? No, no, no, I think you have to give him the pot, you have to give him the answer.

The benefit of the doubt that he'll do the right thing. But what is he going to say to his girlfriend? Now, let's say he marries her. She always hates you. Well, but what you can say is, and this goes to do you trust your friend enough, right? How are you going to sell it to her? Because that becomes a sell it to her. Interesting. Because that, I think, do you trust your friend to be like,

hey man, no disrespect. I thought it was just going to be us. This is what I've been planning. I really miss you. I want to hang with, hey man, no disrespect. I thought it was just gonna be us. This is what I've been planning. I really miss you. I wanna hang with you. We never get a chance to. Is it, you know, does this really have to be her? And maybe there's some compromise.

Maybe she comes in for the last day and you can suck it up for that, right? Or maybe it's like, and then if he's like, hey, she wants to come, she's really jazzed. You just be like, all right all right well I'm gonna say something came up for work or something that's when you decide to sell it. Oh I hear what you're saying. You know what I mean that's when you're like all right dude I get it I get it if you want to go with your girl that's fine let's get a bros thing just us because I do want to do it I don't want her to hate me but I just I'm not into this. I think this is a friendship ender You can I'll tell you why if he if he chooses to I thought you're giving me the heart out

I was like, sorry jiggling some rubbers But I think if you say to somebody hey Can we do this and you have that open talk with him and he won, let's say he chooses her and says, I'm coming. And then you bail out. Now it's weird. Let's say he tells her, let's say they then get married and have kids.

You're like, what are you gonna do later? Go like, well, I was a little bit of a baby because I didn't want to hang out with you. Because from her and him, they're like, who cares? And for his point of view, he's like, what do we have to like lay on the bed and stare at each other the whole time? We're just hanging out drinking beers. point of view he's like what do we have to like lay in the bed and stare at each other? The whole time we're just hanging out drinking beers. I love her. I like you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're right

You're right. The other move could be a bit But see but that's the thing he's that would be that would drive me up a fucking wall if my friend didn't understand that if he Was like but because like it's not about obviously you love your fucking wife more than your friend But we planned this but we plan this and you're it's just a rude thing to do I agree with so if so that's why going right back to the beginning I decide what I'm saying is does the festival your friendship matter more because if you're all good this this might be his fucking favorite fucking festival right right and he just be like look you kind of fucked me I love these bands or whatever whoever's

playing you guys have fun get an Airbnb I don't want to host two fucking people. No, but I'll party with you guys. I'll see you at the festival. Maybe it's something like that. I think that could work. And then if it's going well, you could say, hey, tomorrow let's all get breakfast and go out. This is a different thing. I don't want this in my house. I don't want a third wheel this weekend. I'm not interested. But so then it, now if you think you still love your buddy but you know because he's pussymatized

that he won't go for it, right? Then I would hold it in your back pocket to lie to him if you think he can't handle any truth and he matters to you enough, right? Yes, I get that. Because like that's when it starts being like, ah, this is fucked up but I can't make it. That's when you're in the lie zone.

But I would prefer because you want to save him from himself. Right. He's going to tell he's going to fuck up the friendship or tell her or do something. He's going to regret it in whatever years. He's already shown his character. Yeah, he really has. He has. By being like, she's she's come. By the way, showing the character, dude, by the way, my girlfriend's coming. Like, by the way, I need to fucking like store an extra bag in your garage while I'm there.

Like it's that level of inconvenience is fucking insane. I got a pitch on it. Yeah. Another thing you could do is he brought one, you bring one. So now you bring a buddy who's party guy. Ooh. Who's not. You now bring

so that you so you and this guy you're having fun at the festival so most likely this guy is now looking for a very different thing. He says right there she's sweet, which means she's a nice human being

she doesn't want to be with these fucking animals at a festival she doesn't think this shit. She doesn't want to be with these fucking animals at a festival. She doesn't think this shit's funny. She wants to be with her boyfriend, who she knows is sweet. Ooh, you know, that's good, because what you can then do is like, hey man, I thought my buddy,

this guy was gonna crash. I was gonna bring the third wheel to crash in my place. I already have. But we don't have enough space now. He'll just crash here, you guys get an Airbnb. And so he's gotta go like, what'd you guys do last night? We did what we expected after a festival. We fucking parted our ass.

How about you guys? We went back out of Lights, a Little Bite team, like Jenga and went to bed. But I didn't want that in my house. So that is upping the stakes a little bit because that's harder to pull off. But then he's getting the festival he wants and guess what? She might prove to be. Be cool. And all of a sudden if they go,

Fuck it, come over. Come over, you're right. And then go, and then you never have to say, sorry I was a little bit of a bitch about it. That's a great point. You then go like, fucking Sarah's legit a cool hang. He's made it a group hang. You turn it into a group hang.

Now you make, okay, he set the fucking precedent. Blow it up. Great. I'm gonna make it a group I wanna be a part of. Exactly right. Now you might not. Yeah, he set the fucking precedent. All right up great. I'm gonna make it a group I want to be a part exactly now you might not fit into this right, but I wouldn't have done that to you Good point. Yeah, now you're going to go with this other friend that is now. There's a couple other ones, too Yeah, so we've given this guy actually a nice. He's got a few options here Yeah, and I really like that if it does take take the right friend and grades take a little finessing But all of these are like but you have lie

You have lied to him because he's a fucking pussy that you know is gonna fucking betray you you have Give him the opportunity to do the right thing, which it does none of us are feel like he's gonna do I also don't think the lies gonna work. I think you're right the lie I think the top two are gonna be trouble. The lie is gonna be harder to pull off than what you're saying. And then there's the group hang, which I really do like. And then there's also like some compromise of like,

we'll hang but don't stay here or something like that. So I like the group, the group is nice. Let him choose to say, we're gonna get an Airbnb. Yeah, and so, you know, by the time this airs, definitely this has already happened. But if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, hopefully this advice will be good for you. We got anything nice, Eldis?

What else we got, brother? If not, just play that clip of that guy sucking his dick. I looked for it on YouTube, I couldn't find it. Eldis, you wanna get some bagels, bro. Yes Fool fuck yeah, dude. Shout out to this place. You want a bagel on the way out bro? You're gonna go This is the kind of fucking show we're doing Yeah, go ahead and and respond to mr. Cheeks' email and I'm gonna get the fucking the Nova

Locks. The classic. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Welcome to Stavis World, folks. You know, we're on a, like we said, we have a great guest and we're rushing it and we're ordering lunch in the middle of it and we've gotten the two calls, like we said, we have a great guest and we're rushing it and we're ordering lunch

in the middle of it and we've gotten the two calls, but we've done them thoroughly and it's important that we have bagels. What's most important is that we have a good time and you'll have an okay time. That's kind of the motto here. Play the call before you decide on your bagel sandwich. I'll see you locking in on the menu over there.

It's your boy Atlas. Hello Atlas. Appreciate you beautiful Balkan boys. Got a question for you coming from San Diego about fucked up family dynamic, father-son relationship, and letting sleeping dogs lie. Perfect. Wow, some good producing by elders against all odds. And I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad. I didn't have much of a relationship with my dad. During growing up and then after the divorce, it was really radio silence. But seven, eight years later, we get to go to Taco Lunch every two, three, four, five months, see him a few times a year, update each other about fun things we've done. It's pretty much just as intimate as seeing an old friend

from work or school, that's the most, I'm gonna get out of my relationship with my dad and I'm cool with it, but I always wondered why he kinda was the way he was, and my mom told me some shit, and I'm not sure if I should believe it or just trust it and let sleeping dogs lie but she said he's kind of standoffish and unavailable because uh he was adopted back in the day and kind of went through some Epstein shit as a kid. Holy shit. Rich kid in LA and as a survivor of all that terrible kind of uh you know, you didn't really

Stand conflict and want to be around families and stuff like that. I'm a sheen Well, how do they become because I don't want to bring it up and like remind them of some childhood adopted sex abuse shit And like having relapse and whatever Yeah, I don't want to go opening that can of worms. You know what the show is We've been talking he hasn't paused because he's trying to decide what's bacon or fucking sausage Role players play better at home I can only hit in Cleveland. I don't know why. Alright, alright, okay so. This is a shocking, this is clear. Leave your fucking dad alone.

If he went through that as a kid, and he's opening, he had a tough go of it. Adopted to a rich family in LA like this That's so fucked up the fact that he's communicating. He's fucking trying his best He's trying his best and maybe all you're gonna get is some taco lunches every fucking fortnight Pretty good pretty good pretty good for what the guy's been through be kind to this guy for the last Ex-amant a news in his life and give his ass a break man. Oh my god, this fucking poor guy. He's just like on the set of Apocalypse Now getting passed around.

I'll tell you what, this is what's wild about kids. When my wife was pregnant, my buddy, Damon Wayne Jr. said to me, he goes, no matter what you do, your kids are gonna hate you, so take the pressure off. This is a great example. The kids will never give parents a break. Yeah. The protagonist of this call, pretend it's the death.

Yeah, yeah. I got put up for adoption. Yeah. Some fucking piece of shit adopted me. Yep. Raped me. Yep. I was passed around a bunch of rich people.

I was on the set of Cocktail, the producers all had a go at me. Worst case scenario I lived through. Yeah. Met a woman, I'm all fucked up. She got pregnant, she realized, and I realized, probably best I'm not around kids. I'm boogied! You're an adult, I'm trying to do the best I can,

I would love on Wednesdays to get to know you over a taco, then I go home and hit my head against a brick wall, because I got some demons! And the kid goes, it's just not enough, man. Should I remind him? Have we seen what this guy went through? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a lot. And also, it's interesting because it's like, was it true? That's the weird thing is like. Oh, did he put it in? Was it true? Is he doubting? No, no, no.

He said that's kind of the story that he got from the mom. Yeah. Which means most likely, the mom is giving him the nicest version You ever met a woman who raised the kids and the guy left and she's going I like him. Let's give him a Yeah, it's true it's fucking true so yeah, dude, I mean I don't even understand why this would come into your fucking head Yeah, why you would even consider bringing this up over some fucking aqua fresca? Just fucking. Enjoy the taco.

Yeah, just chill, bro. Just have some fucking, just have some Alpa story. You're good. Get to know your dad. As best you can. Yeah. Don't show him any, don't show him Spartacus. Don't show him any Golden Age of Hollywood.

Don't show him any fucking wild shit. You know like Mike Tyson, who's got like he's making this big comeback, he's around his new Mike. You know like insightful I love Mike videos. When Mike's just letting it rip. This is a situation you don't say when he's sitting there smoking weed talking about

like life and philosophy. You don't trigger Mike Tyson. You got molested, right Mike? Don't say anything to Mike to bring out the Brooklyn Mike. Right, right, right, right. Your dad is doing really good near a taco truck. Sure. Let's not bring him back.

For sure, for sure. Let's stay right here, man. And why would you even consider it? I mean, look, maybe he's just a dumb guy, and he's young, and he's like asking us, and he's just saying it out loud. Don't do it, man. So we're here to tell you that's fucking wild, dude.

Don't do it. Don't do it. That's fucking insane. It's wild, man. What do you hope comes out of it? Yes, agreed. What's the best thing? Do you want that to be part of the apology?

This kid seems like he's fine with the setup. Yes, but also how about this? Does he think he's helping? That's the other thing. Maybe he's trying to be a good son and he thinks he's helping his dad. So imagine this apology Yeah, I'm sorry that I didn't raise you because I had been getting Never even lifted a hand on you, right? Yeah, but, yeah. No. I never even lifted a hand on you, right? Yeah. But I'm apologizing for your tough go.

Yeah. Come on, man. Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. Enjoy the tacos, man. Enjoy the taco, brother. And do not bring it up. No. He says, and he ends his call by saying,

I don't know how to approach this shit with a 40-foot pole, man. That's exactly right. You don't approach it. And if in some world your dad brings even something up, just be a supportive guy. I agree. Be a friend, man. Be like, yeah, give him something positive then.

Be like, I'm sorry you went through it, and I know you were doing the best you can, and I'm glad that we're getting, I'm glad that we're in each other's lives like this now. And have a little fucking gratitude that he left the group, because he probably left the group for good reason. Yeah, yeah. Definitely.

He was like, I shouldn't be around this spot. Yeah, you're fucking looking nice in those X-Men pajamas. And your dad's like, I gotta take off. I gotta get the fuck out of here. And good, go. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Go live in a cave until I'm in my 20s, my man. Get in the fucking Saddam Hussein bunker.

Whatever you gotta do. Don't repeat this shit. Bsein bunker. Whatever you gotta do. Don't repeat this shit. Bury it. Whatever you gotta do, my man. Yeah. Good for this guy. You got something fun to take us out on? Jesus Christ.

Yeah, I got a fun one. And did you respond to Ben? Yes, I did. I gave him your order. You didn't get anything, motherfucker? He's gonna do the worst thing. Everyone's gonna watch you eat Everyone goes yeah, the food comes you go nobody's in it. Yeah, no, no these I got two dishes and an app

These fucks are gonna eat don't you worry? Nice dude Do you guys all travel as a group? Eldest is thank you for being such a pro that you're stalling for Eldest not being able to hit play on a call Yeah, he's also my tour manager. I mean he's my best friend. We've known each other since we were in kindergarten So it's like this is perfect. Yeah, I mean it's hilarious what our lives have become Like our parents were probably like those two fucking morons all they do is giggle and call each other gay They're not gonna be able to do this for long.

And it's like, you'll see. Yeah. Check us out now. You figure out your technical difficulties? I think we got it going here. Okay. Ready? Yes. Gentlemen, how's it going?

Pause this. Got a fun little... How did you figure out not to put it on the screen? I'm about to do it. Okay. You know what? I won't bore you with a nitty-gritty here. And I'm sorry, no one can see this, but Elvis is doing something hilarious.

How he fucked this up. When we started doing our podcast on video, because we do pretty good on audio, but we're shit on video, there was a feeling as we were going that I was like, this is Wayne's world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then you're like, oh, that's what podcasting this is Wayne's world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then you're like, oh, that's what podcasting is.

It's an element of like, we grew up together, like press the button, you want a bagel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you think of like, yeah, this is the, we're all doing Wayne's world. An insane, and it's like, how did we become successful? I don't understand. How is this like a, we literally run a hugely successful

media company. Me and Eldis. Me, Eldis, Benny, my friend Ben and my other friend who just quit her job and I was like, you wanna just answer emails? She just had a baby and I was like, yeah. But that, honest to God, man, it's what I'm liking about, cause I was in the machine for so many years,

only that way. Like when Gareth first started trying to get me to do this, I was like, no, cause of the machine. Of course. Our social media director is a girl who emailed us and said, you guys are really boomers with social media and you're bad at it? Can I do it? And we went like, yes. And then the social media guy on YouTube wrote, your videos are really bad. You don't know how to do it. Can I help? And we're like, sure. And then it's so important. You go like, yeah, just how much money do you need for

this ridiculous company? It's a wild era, it's really fun. It is fun, it is fun. We accidentally, I was very soured on podcasting, we accidentally created one that I liked doing. I literally was like, ah, fuck, I have to do, and then after a couple of times I was like, ah, I'm never doing a podcast, and I was like, fuck, a lot of people know me from podcasts,

I probably should do one. And then I was like, I'll just, yeah, I'll I probably should do one and then I was like I'll just yeah I'll do one and then hopefully my road business picks up and then the road business did better than I ever thought it would But not because of this and then we just happened to get successful and we happened to turn and by the way when we when We started this Elvis didn't know shit. I should have been constantly but I was like he's gonna fuck it up Yeah, the shows aren't gonna work. He's actually gotten good at it somehow. He's become a good producer and I've started liking it. I'm like, oh, I guess we'll just do this forever. Well, I got into it because I was doing so many years

of old world press where you go to New York, you do all the morning shows, all this, and then you would see the numbers and you go on Good Morning America, then your project, there's no bump. But you're out there dancing in front of the live studio audience and the hosts don't like you. The bits are not playing.

And I'm not a standup, so my thing is, I don't wanna go out, I don't like leaving, I'm not looking to perform, I wanna do the thing. And then all of a sudden, more and more press, it started with Dax's. Dax, I knew a little bit, asked me to do his podcast. I was in his garage, and I literally thought when it started, what are we doing here, big guy?

What is this, man? She's going this bad for you? Didn't you marry a famous person, too? I was also like, I know you're wealthy. Yeah, right, right. We've played this, I know where you're at. What are we doing? The amount of people who heard that affected projects.

It's crazy. So now press tours, when I did the Self Reliance press tour, I said to my publicist, I was like, let's do it differently. I'm not going to New York, I'm not doing all the morning shows. I'll do Kimmel here, because Kimmel's great, but I'm doing a podcast press tour.

For sure. The fucking thing killed on Hulu. It's crazy. And they're all contacting me during it. They're like, thanks for all your press. I'm like, this is the press? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then my older.

Talking about my uncle getting his dick sucked by a proto-transvestite. But not only that, my show is now the press. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where I'm like, what the fuck? It's crazy. We had the cast on that, and then all of a sudden, they're like, it's help.

I'm like, this is out of control Why do you what you do the talk? It's what's the upside? There's no fucking point. There's no fucking point It's all they're letting you in the back and they'll let you push Matt Lauer's rape button That's the only thing that might be cool about it, but it's a wild new year. Yeah, dude. It's really excited I know it is so funny, and I don't know what I don't know what we did to Accidentally be positioned for it timing. It's crazy Yeah, yeah, all right. I'll just take us out with something fun Gentlemen how's it going?

Got a fun little thinker for you today. Nepal's on a voicemail shocking. How's it going? Can't answer your question. I know. How's it going? Can't answer your question. A situation that I'm in currently, a decision that I got to make. It's one that I'd love, absolutely love to get you two cents on. The long and short of it is basically I got surgery in about a week for testicular cancer. It's a good cancer to have. I'm fine, I'm not gonna die,

that's not what the protocol's about. What does happen with that is they take off the nut that's got the cancer, which is my right one, right, he's gotta go. Now, initially, I was prepared to live with one nut, but my doctor told me today that they have a prosthetic option. So here I am, thinking that one of the funniest things in life,

one of the, and it cuts there. Oh, sorry. You played the wrong one, didn't you? Probably. Yeah. I will say, I will say. I will say, I've never played in Yankee Stadium. Again, I know one stadium. Bring me on the road. I will say, there never played in Yankee Stadium

There were two other versions of it that were longer than two minutes, okay, Warren it He's basically wondering if he should get a prosthetic nut or not. Yeah, that makes I mean Clearly you did play the wrong one. But yeah, we get it. We get it. You get the question. He could have Vamp for another 40 seconds that happens a lot where people will call because since it's voicemail people take a couple cuts at it Oh interesting call it. Yeah, I didn't love that one. Yeah But so yeah this I like it is very funny. I think you're good on the fucking one nut What would you do? I would get a magic eight ball put in I would take But they'd be all like dick sucking things like should you you know, should I take it to the take it to the throat? So you push it against your sack and then you can actually read it. Yeah exactly

I would get I would get the one removed would be like a nut sack But it would be like a little window so it wouldn't be like painted like a magic a painting like a nut That's fine, but you would shake it up It would be like yes skin to the window of it so you can like see through your sack Sure for sure it would be a little like plastic You shake it. It's like should I sex stuff off and they're all yet. They all say yes Yeah, I see no upside in a fake testicle if this was dog Yeah, okay, have you ever been with a woman and it's getting out and she's like I love the look of both is

woman and it's getting out and she's like I love the look of both his nuts. One nut, one round. I think it's cool. If this was his dick I would say you know you got to figure that out. Sure. You're too young to go like if he's like this thing is gonna like I know if you get prostate cancer my old man told me like your dick doesn't work so it's like that's if this call was like it's I don't think it's gonna kill me if it does my dick doesn't work forever pills don't change anything what do I do at 30? I got it. One ball ball who gives a rat. I mean it would be funny to get Big both balls bigger. Yes, if you can if you can get both your nuts or get one percent huge smaller Make your dick look bigger Hmm two smaller nuts or you get them you get them to split the one

Put a seam down the middle of the one. I don't know if that optical illusion works. I don't know if little or nuts make your dick look bigger. I think the whole package just looks junior. You go like, this guy's got a tiny dick and a tiny nutsack. You're right, you're right. If you put like a... If you put like a... If the cock looks normal and the nuts are tiny. This guy's got baby balls. It's tiny, so his balls are a little... If anything, it's adding stride.

That's fun that it'd be a grown man named Baby Balls. Jimmy Baby Balls. Especially if it's a mafia guy. Why do you call it, like, honest to God, we've seen him in the sauna. Tiny balls. Little-ish balls. I like that more than baby balls. Little-ish balls. I like that more than baby balls. Little-ish. Little-ish balls.

I think, I mean, I wouldn't, if I got my nuts chopped, one of my nuts chopped off, I think I would rock one nut. Me too. Although, although, I've, I just constantly, because, now I think, I've talked about this before, it's probably because my penis is small, but I get told I have large nuts a lot. You do. By gals, and I think it's because my penis is small, but I get told I have large nuts a lot by gals, and I think it's because my dick is small. But I do think I have pretty, but you've seen my nuts, they're pretty big, right?

Yeah. Some little bulldog nuts there. Yeah. It's the most excited I've seen you all day. Finally. Finally engaged with work. By the way, the bagel doesn't bring him to life, shit, not nobody's job doesn't bring him, same childhood best friends, you. By the way, the bagel doesn't bring him to life. Shit, not know about his job doesn't bring him.

Same childhood best friends. You go, the nuts, he goes, got those bulldog nuts. I do have those little bulldog nuts. So I get, you know, my instinct is to say no. But now I'm thinking, I do take pride in my big nuts. So if I lost, because of my, when you, if you think of your package as a team, my nuts are like an offensive line, an incredible offensive line, propping up a mediocre quarterback.

And your dick's Kyle Murray from the Cardinals. I wish it was Kyler. No, Kyler would be a small dick that's good at fucking. My dick's who's the Panthers quarterback. My dick is Bryce Young. What's worse as a Bears fan is my dick's Rex Grossman. You guys are looking nice, by the way. Not to tell this to a Sports Bros pod at the end.

You guys too, man. Oh yeah, oh yeah. But you're set up for the future. I like Caleb a lot. Yeah, it's gonna be. He's fucking weird and cool. I think so, too. I think I, you know what? I would need to do a little more research.

I need to feel the balls. I think I might get fake balls. Let me give a pitch on this. I have a friend with one nut. And? It's cool, he doesn't have a problem with it. But here's the other thing. If you're in a bar, you're kinda getting floored,

and you're with like a fun chick, you're all partying, you could say, FYI, No, you're right. But both of them work. You could say, I got a fake nut, and they go, how does it feel? You go, I can't feel anything. You can squeeze it as hard as you want.

Ooh, that's fun. Which is a fun game to join. It won't hurt, and you go like, then you go, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's the one that's real. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or the other one is you go like, what's wild is I only have one nut?

My sack looks so different. And she's like, really? And you go like, I'm not, yeah. If you don't want it, I'm not pushing it. Yeah, yeah, not pushing it Yeah, if you're we could find out you could see how it works Yeah, you know that's a great point. Have you ever driven a moped? Yeah You're used to cars. This is a different kind of automobile. That's true. The one nut does make you a little bit of a it's exotic Bingo car. Yeah, well you're like you could say like I know you're not into this and it's the night's ending and you're gonna go home Have you ever said you fucked a

guy with one night yeah yeah you will meet somebody who goes like you know what fuck you'll fuck one girl who'll go like I just want to see if it's like when it's banging against me if there's a different thing and then you go does it and she goes no no if didn't know difference whatsoever you well, I still beat you, dumb bitch. Now get out of my fucking house. Or, thank you so much, I appreciate you. Get out of my house, I have to watch Self-Reliance on Hulu by myself, you fucking bitch. All right, well we did it. Thank you, dude.

Thank you so much, it was so great. Please, anytime you're in New York, hit us up. And we'll get you in here with Gareth I just wanted to fucking just show you bro. You take some from me. I take some from you Come back on the show. Let's surprise them. I would love to Next time you're in if you got some time I will I'm gonna come back because I have a I have a little indie movie coming out Hopefully in September October something like that. So I'm gonna come back do a little do a little tour here, but hop in with us

Yeah, and one time we got to play brothers when we were doing that kidding me I'm one of these things there's gotta be we fucking love you and me as brothers. We'll figure that out Yeah, we're also thinking about doing talking about how we have control over everything. We were thinking about in the summer Writing some shorts and just making them ourselves. Because it'd be fun. And then if something really feels good, we did a 10 minute version of something and we're like, this is great.

So who knows, man? We might even do it soon. So thank you again, buddy. Listen to the pod, guys, and we will talk to you next time. Bye bye. I'm sorry.