Stavvy's World - Robert Kelly

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

Robert Kelly joins the pod to talk about his Dickensian upbringing of ripping off gumball machines and going to juvie, compare and contrast sex, drug, and food addictions, talk about the rule he had to instate to protect his appetizers after bringing a young Stav on the road, and glow about how fatherhood made him a man. Stav and Bobby help callers including a married midwest woman considering a fling with her ex who has cancer, and a guy who’s worried his life has peaked after an amazing fling in Las Vegas.Subscribe at patreon.com/stavvysworld for exclusive Patreon-only episodes.Wanna be part of the show? Call 904-800-STAV and leave a voicemail to get some advice!

I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels but then it was obvious get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods

and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mom and I stopped by that area to walk around and remember one of the most special times for my family.

Whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. Oh, welcome everybody to stop this world. We are back. We're in the studio calling 904 800 stop if you want us to get to your questions very special episode We have my my comedy Papa Bobby Kelly came right to Queens This is how Greek people shake hands by the way sometimes Good. Let's see you with my voice. This is how Greek people shake hands by the way sometimes. Because I see you, my boy.

It's great to see you, Bob. Yes. Thank you. We're doing a Stavis world after dark. I love it. Yeah. Me and eldest, we, we, our super producer, eldest, by the way, everybody he's here. Yes.

You're going to give yourself the applause, eldest. Yes. I mean, he's got fantastic. He does not look albany. 100%. He looks like he, his family had a coffee shop. It's true. Portsmouth, Nehamshire, that went under during the, the, the O-A. The housing crisis.

Yeah, the O-A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he went out of Obama elected. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. He does not look like he's family, cut people's throat, and he's Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Banyard came over and fucked a whole town They did at the end of a pock-a-lip dough to give those fucking those little as tacky and some height right Yeah, right. I didn't make it to the end of a pock-a-lip dough You never met dude a pock-a-lip dough one of the greatest movies ever

We didn't we try and watch it and the audio wouldn't sink up elders No, I don't know that's not mouse fault. It's not it's not mouthful no no and I try because I respect a lot of his other views so I tried to make it but the juice yeah hey try to restart my career just having the wrong podcast maybe I should call Nikki Glazer hey Hey. Hey guys, how you doing? So on that note, let's just say Bobby's got a new special out. Yes.

And he has a lot of the same views that I and Mel Gibson just asthous. Yeah, man, Louis CK actually directed it. So Louis CK.com, so I'm basically fucking fucked. It's very funny though. I really did choose a lot of that. Just a lot of fucking. a lot of fucking lot of obstacle You're playing on hard mode. Yeah, yeah How's on effects

Get a better point of view Make some nicer tweets. Yeah, you know you mean fucking maybe a couple more gift baskets to Dennis The re that a couple photos with a couple kids with Down syndrome on the basketball. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. God damn it. I have so many opportunities to take a different path in life. That's right, it's true. I really, I really.

But you did, hey, listen, you ended up where you needed to be. Yeah, I'm here with a rich fat Greek kid with a dirty shirt. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm right. I'm getting ready for bed. Literally. These are my pajamas. You're literally loaded. You could have silk pajamas.

And you're hanging out with a fucking now banion with a fucking gland problem. It's true. He was this height and preschool. Fucking guy. Huge. It's fucking hilarious. We were the same height up until like six he was this height and preschool and that's a and that's that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a

and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a

and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a and that's a first hand experience with Albanians, Bob? No, I just, I started taking. You started taking. So what they do to fucking American chicks that can't run

when they go to parry. That's right. You know, it's one of you fucking. You never met any, huh? No, I've heard, of course Greeks. I've met a ton of Greeks. I love Greek people. Yeah, Greek people.

I love Greek people. Look, let's just call it the way it is. Let's. Oh, here we go. You're gonna be mad but Italians are up here get out first of all You're not Italian. I'm your barely Italian buddy You're one of the whitest men of all time. I am Italian Irish Yeah, okay the the put the just American mongrel is what you are The, the, the, the, the, just American mongrel is what you are. I'm a tagger. I'm doing the same.

I'm two of the best people that came to this country and fuzz each other down in the lower pots of man-ass. That's right. I love you saw that movie that that guy was in with the knife. The two that couldn't wait to be racist to elevate themselves. Sure. They were like, all right, time to be cops and the criminals that prey on yeah minorities

Either way we're beating up black people whether with a mob or the cops I mean Jesus Christ I mean you still hate the cops I'm gonna tell a couple Puerto Rican's how many cameras you got up here. You see how much I hate to cop's in. You and the fucking- I welcome the dialogue, the multi-ethnic dialogue to have with the Puerto Rican people. Yeah, man, you're gonna fucking send this- I'll just-

I'll just- I'll just with a broom fighting them off. Yeah, keep them away, eldest. I was gonna be pushing this- What? What's happening? 9-1-1, please. There's been a disturbance in my home. I was gonna be pushing this left. What? What's happening? 9-1-1, please. There's been a disturbance in my home. It's funny, because when all that stuff happened in New York,

I remember Gabby that worked with me. Yeah. So Gabby sends me this thing. She's, I don't consider myself right. I just consider myself right. You do, or Gabby. She's left. She's left. Oh, she's as woke as they come.

But the problem with her is her dad is rocking real. Her dad is bond Joe. Is in bond Joe. So you really can't, you know what I mean? You can't, you're riding that line, but she was like, you know, she sent me this thing, signed this document, blah blah blah, I'm like, what is this dog?

I don't sign shit. What are like, what is this dog? I'm not saying shit. What are you nuts? And it was to whatever the police, whatever that thing was. The fund? Defund the police. And I call it back, go fuck yourself. I'm not fucking defunding the police.

We don't live in Missouri. It's not the Burke's years, you twat. We live in Manhattan. I need these motherfuckers. So you know the Burke sheers you taught yeah, we live in Manhattan I need these Markers Yeah, so you know I'm saying sure and she she was like well, duh, duh, duh, and then of course Too much lady she had a move because her neighborhood just fucking plummeted right and there was just rapes and murder It went from rich white girls to defund the police. I dumb dumb I'll try to walk back to your house. Where did she live?

I don't know, one of those Brooklyn places that just fell off. Do you think there was rapes emerging? I think she wanted to go back to living in Jersey. No, she moved to a better part. Oh, yeah, she's moved to a better part where... If my dad was in Bon Jovi, I'm not leaving the house. Dude, if my... I'm playing as keyboards, you know what I mean? 100% mean? I'm having a good time in Jersey. I'm on the road. Yeah, I'm on the road

I got a jovy Dungery jacket I'm gonna fucking just patches of all the shows I've been doing. I'm getting laid. Yeah, I'm getting I'm just getting Getting pussy off you the strength of your dad Getting getting pussy with my dad Dude, oh my god, I'm always blows me away is that you know, it's generational It's like these families come in and they work really hard to get something right like a restaurant and they you know And they get it and then and they make good but then that next generation makes it successful.

Right. And they just get a ton of cash. Right. It's like the best Chinese, and then that third generation is like, I don't want to work. Yeah, yeah. Because they have all that money. You're going to do poetry. Yeah, I want to go, yeah, I'm going to do a podcast with Bobby for nothing.

Oh my God, you're going to shit together. Go live with your dad. Stay home. Fuck it, asshole. You know what I mean? Are you worried about that? You're gonna get shit together, go live with your dad. Stay home, fuck an asshole. You know what I mean? Are you worried about that because you came from basically nothing, you crawled out of, you know,

I would say the sewers. Sure, okay. I would say the subterranean shit piles, is what you were reared in, right? Drinking booze as a baby. Yeah, as a f*** stabbing. Stabbing other children. I wasn't fucks wrap Getting blessed

Kids in Juve You know That kind of stuff you're into that kind of stuff. I mean we kiddo I mean You want to push a lot of things together and put it in the Just kind of let's package it up nicely. Yeah sure. Yeah Are you and you have made a success despite a lot of A lot of you know a lot of obstacles. Well, do you ever worry about like your kid? I mean, I love Max one of the he's the best. Yeah, sure. Do you ever worry about like well? You have everything?

You're he doesn't have that sense of struggle that made you who you are, do you ever, does that ever cross your mind? Well, let's not get carried away. I mean, there's a three bedroom ranch here. Right, yeah, sir, there's not. You're right. The FXL has been off the air for a while.

Oh, yeah. It does. The first generation, guys, that the second generation, he's gonna make it good. His kids are fucked. Right, right. He's fine. You think he's gonna take YKWD and franchise it?

Yeah, he's gonna take it. So get a logo, like why? Like make some hand thing, YKW. Yeah, yeah. That's right, I need a missing brand. Yeah. Well, it's funny to me because I look around, you know, you're a life and I'm just like, it must be you

and all you fucking little podcasting. Ooh, we bought seven fucking can. We got a bunch of black magic and we got plasmas and all our fans and, yeah, you got nothing. Hold it, there's nothing holding you back. And I think it's so beautiful that you can get just a project here for the liver, but not ask anybody. That's right.

It's awesome. Yeah, you don't have to come back and see dirty peanut but a finger on your fucking projector. You know what I mean? Come here and see what the tri-pods kicked over. Yeah, yeah. And your black magic on the ground. Yeah. You know what I mean? Come here and see what you, you had tri-pods kicked over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had black magic on the ground. Yeah, yeah.

You don't have to ask somebody, go, do you think I could get a new hard drive? We don't need it. I have a wife and a child. I have things that need me. Yes. You have nothing that needs you except for this overgrown alien who's so man-haired.

He does have a knowingly nice hair. A knowingly. I mean, compared to us, I mean, we're different level. Well, I mean you, I have beautiful hair. You have beautiful hair on the sides. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I can have pink hair. I can have pretty nice pink tails.

Your hair is so bad, it's good. It's coming back. I mean,'s good. I'm coming back. That's what I'm going for. Was it Larry from the three stages? It was so bad, I can't help it. Yeah, you are so, what a great stage of life to be independently successful, which they didn't have, when I was coming up,

you didn't have independently successful, you needed to be accepted by the industry. You had to, you needed to do it tonight, sure. You needed to do late night, you needed to get on a TV. You needed somebody from NBC, ABC, CBS, one of the networks to take a liking. You had to do showcases, you had to get an agent, you had to get a manager, And they had to like you.

And everybody had to have this synergy together. And they would decide, well, now it's like, we look at man, wherever we are in Queens, and you've got a fucking giant nerd. Yeah. We didn't know anything by the way. We learned it. Yeah, yeah.

Of course, he's a nerd. He just learned it with those. How can't you learn with those fucking microscopes he has in his face? You know what I mean? He's like a poem's gay nerd though. He's not like a nose technology nerd. Oh really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like a poem's name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many times did you read? What was your favorite book in high school? Madame Boverie? I read Madame Boverie a few times. And then I did it over a couple of times.

People would annotate books for fun. What a fucking goddamn. Your body wasn't supposed to be what you are. I know. Your body, you know your body was supposed to be, you were supposed to be directing something or running some type of upstart thing. Now look at that body. Look at that. No, no, he was supposed to have a plow attached to his neck in Albania. He was supposed to be getting whipped by smaller Albanians. I get no, no. And killing the fields.

He has a bed and breakfast with his little wife in Albania. Those hands didn't pick up anything. You're right. The hands are too delicate. Yeah, he had a bed and breakfast in Albania. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, people, hello, and welcome. Welcome, Joe. Taking, yeah, yeah. And then, you know, people, hello, and welcome. Welcome, guys.

Taking advantage of adventurous tourists. They wanted to be like, let's not to grease. Have fresh bread and money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what your Albanian dishes are, but I'm so happy for you. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you, Bob. That this is happening, and I'm so glad that, you know, that all this stuff has come to, to gather at the right time to be able to, it's fucking great. Right. Thank you everybody who's listening to Stavis World. But it is, you're the first person who took me on the road. I owe it all to you, Bob, truly.

Well, really Nick Moen, but listen to me. You're the one who took me on the road. No, I remember, yeah, well, well, you knew how to do it. You look at a lot of guys that at your stage at that stage of the game, don't know how to do it. You knew how to do it. You know how to, you hang out, you have some fun fun you laugh a little bit you don't push too hard and You take a fat fuck like me to a 24 hour

That's true. I mean you really did, but you're always a sweet guy and a good guy and And funny so you know when I would put you up at the Thing and you go up and kill, oh my god, this guy's got it. This is a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. And it's cool for guys in my position to get guys who are funny, but also cool. Nice. We had always had a good time on that. We always had a great time, man. I mean, even when we did the stupid

my tour, the... Yeah. Oh, God. There was a couple times I wanted to We almost came to blows in a hotel room. Yeah, we almost sucked each other off Attention was there. Yeah, we were gay that would have been awesome You would have fucking you would have this old man sucking your dick every night You know that come on Bob Mine's better than yours. I mean yours looks weird. It looks like a tie and ice cream. Is it over? Is your penis is over? No, my dick is bad. It's rejuvenated. Dude, my dick is bad. Like Matthew McConaughey. Yeah. Yeah. My dick is back.

It was gone for my dick. It was gone. But I mean when I saw it, when it came back from underneath everything, I had to get it, I had to get a detail. I mean, I had to send it and get the veins, but it popping again. Yeah, I got it shined up, stuff, yeah, because it was definitely weird, shiny, shiny. It was like you found it. You know when they find stuff in the water,

like that magnet thing, they throw them in, they magnet fish and they pull it out and like, what's this? What's going on here? And they find it completely perfect meanderthal and ice. You know, it's just like, it's like, whoa. This is a penis from 2003. Yeah, but you have to clean it off of the brush,

like that's slowly. Yeah, with this little, my God. Some type of fluid. Yeah, my dick brush like this. Yes, slowly. Yeah, with this little, my God. Some type of fluid. Yeah. Yeah, my dick was like, like an old painting. With a painting underneath a painting. You know what I mean? Absolutely.

Yeah, it's back. I'm very excited about it. I mean, my wife's a pre-medipot, so it's for nothing. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can't even. You can't fuck it all, huh? Well, pussy's die. And I didn't know that.

Pussy's die. And they have a, there's a shelf life on a twat. Of course. You know, all these young girls watching, I'm sure you're, they don't know that they're pussy as a timer on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when it hits 50, you're gonna hear a tingling, a tingling, a tingling.

And you ain't gonna be able to punch it, a flick it, a slap it, a hit it. A hit it. No, you gotta fucking do gentle. Wow. And it'll take shape to whatever thing you mush it into. You know what I mean? Like back in the day, you can, like, get down the house.

Yeah. You gotta, yeah, I just have to stay like that. So you gotta fucking, you gotta be careful with that. Sure. You go with a little gentle with it. You know, you need some lube. You know, you need some lube. Of course. You need some lube.

So sex, we have sex. Me and Donna rock and it's still having a good time. But you have to. That must have been a thrill when you're the first time your penis came back. First, wow. That must have been incredible. It was, it was good.

Cause I'm sure everybody knows, but for anybody who doesn't, you've lost a ton of weight. Ton of weight. You know, on the special, you, it was, it's so interesting to watch the special. Yeah, Louis K.com. Louis K.com.

Louis K.com. I really easy, Apple Pay. Read your phone. Blight, you even don't like me. Who gives the fuck? Call charity. I'm homeless. Yeah.

But it's funny to watch it and be like, wow, Bobby was fat as hell. But I watched that now and I'm like, fuck, if I could've just waited like six months. I fucked up. I mean, I fucked up too. Here's the thing, inpatient cocksucker, those, and you know this from doing jokes, those jokes are better now. Right.

Because I'm coming up with new jokes and I'm pushing the old jokes out, so I still have to do some of those on the road. Yeah. And there's so much better now. So many more tags and all that shit. And I look so much better. I would get so much road pussy now.

And I get nothing because they're expecting that tub of shit to show up. That's I had a fucking the back of my neck look like a honey bun. Yeah, you were very, you were taught. Yeah, I was you were taught taught Yeah, it was a good word. Yeah It's a big boy. I was 350 maybe 355 okay 58 so it was It was not comfortable anymore. Yeah, you know, they may get that there's a fat That's comfortable that you can kind of roll around it sure I know I'm looking right at you comfortable that you can kind of roll around it. Sure, you don't need a stranger. Very well.

I know, I'm looking right at you. I'm very familiar with that kind of fact. Like I love it, you came down the sport, you came down to get open the gate for me downstairs as you should have. Yeah. I'm over, I fucking have to tell you that. What the fuck?

I think it's a nipple. How about you were more in mobile these days? Yeah, it's mobile. Yeah, it doesn't the King's mobile So we have when you came out you're still spry right you still got those those ham-hawn caps You could probably play a half-court game. Yes half no full court half-court you can rock and roll little three on three as long as I'm guarding the other Fat guy right there's nothing worse for you go to play pickup and everyone skinny. Little three on three. Three on three. As long as I'm guarding the other fat guy. There's nothing worse for you to go to play pickup and everyone's skinny. It's a come on man, give me another fat guy.

We know the rules of pickup. We're not running. That's nice when you get full court, you get another fat guy. We're jogging, three point line to three point line. Yeah, you're kind of high five in each other. You're grabbing each other's underwear elastic, holding each other back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chill, chill, chill, chill. Chill, chill mean each other's underwear elastic holding each other back Yeah, there's nothing better while when we went on the road not to go all over the place because that's We do Fucking guy just stairs He's doing his job. He's switching cameras. Is he awake though? He's fucking awake for him.

All right. But we were on the road. I mean, I tell people this, I still have the rules. It's a Stavvy rule. Yes. I had to make rules up with you. Is Bob being the train me like a dog?

Because when we were eating. Because with two tubs of shit. With two fatties on the road. Yeah. And when I don't think trained me like a dog. Because when we were eating, because we're two tubs of shit. We're two fatties on the road. And when I don't think we were used to that, I think we were used to being the, you were the fatties or I was the fatties. So now you get two fatties, when you order a fucking 12, won't wings, I look down and the wings are gone.

And I'm like, what the? And you're like, you weren't eating them. I go, yeah, I know because I was on the phone. I was going to eat them. He's a time sensitive thing. But it's not. So we had to make the stopby rule. You can't eat the last one.

You have to ask. You can't just say it. I could eat the first or the last. You have to open up. You have to open up. You have to open up eating of a ditch. I have to open up. Because they had one. And then you have to ask up. You have to open up eating of a dish. I have to open up, because that's what I want.

And then you have to ask for the last. I was asked for the last, because you'd roll through a fucking dev row planner and check the ways and be gone and you look up like a little dog, they're in chocolate. I didn't think you were going to have it. And I was, fuck you mean? So we had that rule, but we had like, mother fuck. I'm thinking you're gonna have it. I don't know what it is. Fuck you, me. So we had that rule, but we, we, like, motherfucker.

That was, I'd tell you what, when I toured with Louis in Europe this last time, right before I got the stomach surgery, the sleep surgery, I went to Europe and I for a farewell tour. Buddy. For the stomach. My god, did I?

I had, I'll go through this meal with you. Please. I believe it was Norway and We stopped at this little little tiny place this guy the promoters you have to go here So we wound up as little tiny place hole-to-wall place you go downstairs, you know regular dudes like him literally like look like him Yeah tall European fucking glasses of water. You know what I mean? Just a good looking guy, a little slow, but good, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, you go in all of a sudden they start,

we're just gonna bring dishes over to you. Like it's one of those places. Awesome. They're so confident it's like, give me the menus. Yeah. You know, they saw Louis, just give us the menus. We're gonna rock your dick off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your dick's gonna come off. And what kind of cuisine are we talking about? So they come out, dude. I'm gonna try to remember it all, but they come out one of the dishes that they roll out of the gate with. Fried zucchini flowers. Love that guy.

Whoa, whoa, ready? With Fragwa inside. Fragwa? Fragwa. Oh my God. Buddy, you've been into this thing. And the... You used to, you used you used to ricotta use some kind of cheese You say different every time we use I'm trying to say the way right that way

I'm gonna point you what I say it was fried zucchini with Inside Melted down your face like chocolate. So you That's what was coming down the oh man. It was that's incredible Okay, then the second dish I'm salivating go ahead chicken skin Chicken skin come on chicken skin with cream then caviar on top. Oh my god That's the most decolent shit I ever heard my Lava. Baba. I was fucking losing my fucking chicken skin. It's the bread. The chicken skin was the bread the cream and then

Dude and then that's incredible. Then they came over. Then they came over with a meat pie But a legitimate it was a pie and it was so crushed and you cut it to it and you're like fuck like it Yeah, it was so good. I mean I have so many photos of it. You want to do actually want to see some photos of the meat pie I'm gonna try to roll. I'm gonna try to get these as quick as I please Can't but brother. Oh my god. It was and that's interesting because I usually hear that like Norwegian shit does not their cuisine is not that good that it's all right Might have been pickled and shit like you didn't didn't you go? You might have it stuck home Sweden and might have been Sweden. Let me look either way. That sounds incredible. I was Sweden fuck me Okay, dude. Okay, so look at that. That's it. That's chicken fried chicken skin

And then the f**k. And then the f**k. We'll put that text into me. We'll put it on the episode. Uh-oh. Okay, well let's just, okay. This, dude, these are, these are little patties. Oh, man.

That's not, that's not cake. That's fat. That's incredible. That's pork fat. Oh, man. That they drizzle over these cheese. Oh! Look at that, dude. It looks like a doughnut, but it's not a doughnut. It's pork fat. That's so fat that they drizzle over these cheese. Oh, look at that. It looks like a donut, but it's not a donut.

It's pork fat. That's so decadent. That's incredible. A salty donut. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Look at this fucking pizza with egg. That's awesome. Pizza with tomato.

Oh my god, here we go. Ready? Here, the best lobster roll I've ever had. I'm from Boston, I'm saying that. That's incredible. I'm from fucking Boston. Dude, the best lobster roll ever had, then'm from Boston. I'm saying that. That's incredible. I'm from fucking Boston. Dude, the best lobster roll ever had, then there it is right there, the frog wall.

That's incredible. Zucchini flour with fried fuguagrass. Frog wall. And, fucking mental. Then bone marrow with steak tartar on top. Good. On top.

So bone marrow. I gotta go. Steak tartar on top. On top.. So bone marrow. I got to go take Tata on top Where's he from Boston? Yeah, take Tata on top with the bread and everybody here's the thing everybody got their own You didn't have to share yeah, everybody got their own little fucking plate. This was corn cream corn with shrimp Okay, knock my dick off. There's the meat pie that pie looks good. Look at that with the sauce with shrimp, knock my dick off, there's the meat pie. That pie looks great. So look at that with the sauce.

I think you're at the boss. And then for dessert, this shit was not. Ooh, a little wafer. Now here's this other thing, it looks like somebody's shit in the hole. It does. That does look like what happens after all this shit's in there.

It literally looks like after this meal you shit, they took the best chocolate most ever. They sprinkled cheese on it in olive oil. Buddy, buddy. I mean, you can't fuck with it. And this is the little tiny shit, I mean, dude. Will you send me the pics so we can show the people? I'm not, I'm, of course.

I'm not just walking right now. I'm gonna fuck your protein shake and a fucking peanut bread from you. I don't know. I didn't know you were still eating. You didn't know? I eat it. I don't know. You maybe you ever fucking know? I thought I was going to come over.

There's going to be a fucking... I usually do have Greek food for a week. I thought they would be a lot of shitty. Next story. Well, it's a little late, now to talk. I'm leaving tomorrow for seven weeks. I got to go fucking 12 for seven months. I have no family, I have nothing holding me back,

except this gay statue and these three cameras in my Albanian fucking autistic friend. He's coming with. Are you going? Yeah. Are you filming? Yeah. Oh good, good, good, good, good, good, good,

good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, and so what is the deal? Can you, I met a guy who had, I don't know exactly the surgery you had, but he could barely eat. He was like, he would chew everything for like five hours.

Well, I got the three surgeries. There's a bypass where they fucking literally rearrange your shit, the sleeve, the band, where they put a band around it, but those two kind of, one is really invasive. The other one doesn't really fucking work. And then the sleeve, where they put a band around it, but those two kind of, one is really invasive. The other one doesn't really fucking work. And then the sleeve, well they just kind of make you stomach

the size of a banana, right? So what happens with that is that, the reason why that's laparoscopic, you're out that day or the next day, it's not that invasive, and they do it by a robot. The guy was just in the corner, fucking, you know, some, some fucking Iron Man shit.

Yeah. Listen into Led Zeppelin. Yeah. And then, and then, and I'm just going, but, um, so that one, and, but what happened to make you stomach small, there's two things, is growling cells in your stomach. So in theory, the growling cells are what makes you hungry, when you're not hungry.

And the more big your stomach is, the fat of you are, the more cells you have. So in theory, it's not proven, but they think that when they make your stomach small, they remove a lot of those growling cells, which helps you not want to eat as much. Gotcha. Now, you can eat as much.

So you start out sipping on broth, protein shakes for a couple of weeks, then you move to creamy shit, then you move to like some chicken, then you move to, but I'm at the point now where I can eat whatever I want. I can have anything I want, but I can eat a lot. Still. I can eat more than I did.

You, you, you, like I can have more, but you gotta be careful. Because it's, I look at it like when I quit drugs in alcohol, I went to rehab for 14 months. Right, right. When you quit, you can't do that with food. Yeah, but don't I know it, brother. But my, my stomach can go to rehab. My stomach's in rehab while I walk around.

It still work. Still smelling. I'm still out there. Still smelling the smells. Well, I can work. I can go do my shows. But my stomach is out here saying I can't I don't eat as much I can eat shitty food. I can't have sodas. Yeah, so it's like it's in rehab kind of learning how to be again be normal I would love to go to fat rehab. I would love to go to fat camp. Yeah Just a bunch of fatties trying to figure fuck each other That would be great. There's some good pussy. There's some good pussy up under there

Get on the stomach. Maybe I know you I think they would probably yeah eating disorder Girls, yeah, it'd probably be a nice mix of fatties and girls leading. Oh, that'd be the fatties. Two candies and two fatt. I would be the king of a situation like that. But if it was all fats, I'll take all fats too. I love a big girl.

Me too. I have a bid, I'm trying to work out where it's like, it's not, I like big girls, it's not that I'm not attracted. I haven't dated a lot of them, it's not, because I'm not attracted, it's because I don't have enough penis for two stomachs. It's geometry, it's pure geometry. And that's true, man.

You get in there, you gotta really play the angles with a big girl. But dude, this is, I mean, this is an opportunity to get on Shark Tank. We have to, I'm taking, I'm taking some type of Velcro thing that would strap onto her gun. Right? Wrap around her neck, come across on your gun

and the closer you get, the more it pulls up. How about this? Spanks with a dick hole. Spanks with a dick hole. Spanks with a dick hole. Because you know, it's spanksy. Alcom's razor, the simplest solution. They gotta be disposable

You're absolutely correct. Yeah, you're gonna cut me out like a burjuto Yes, and we'll throw these out. It needs there needs to be like a rip cord in the back Like an Amazon bag and some of them. You know that thing. It looks like it's gonna be hard, but it's a grip. I'm like, can you get it off? Yeah, this is the opportunity. I love it. You can back.

I've been with a lot, one of my first girls I was with, I called their Kimba the white lion. She was a moose. I mean, a white lion. I don't know, it just doesn't connote obesity. I know, I just called it that. I was like, you ever I mean, a fine line. I don't know. It doesn't connote obesity. I know, I just called her that. I gave her a nip, Kimba the white lion. And she would come calling.

Like, I'd be out with my friends and I would just see her standing on rocks across the field. Oh! Oh! This fucking tight-jean bitch with a fucking awful ass and weird tits. He was just beckin' me and I would go. He would go.

Oh, I fucked her on train tracks once. Wow. Like on the rocks. I love that. She was just great. She was just a good old girl. Good to go. Yeah, just fun.

Big girls are fun. And what age is this approximately? I was four. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'll just, you know, I was thinking the other day. I love, you know what I love? Mango the fruit. I love its sweet, its delicious.

And I was eating a piece of mango, pre-cut from a beautiful market here. You know how a story has some beautiful fruit markets. Absolutely. That was my move. I would get a little fruit salad. You know many times I've gotten sucked off, be like, this actually, one time after a day, I was like, want to come back with some fruit salad. And I thought it was smooth. And then some

girl after she fucking was like, that was so weird. You asked me to come over for a fruit salad. I was like, I don't know. I wasn't drinking at the time. Well, they say mangoes are an effort, D'siaq. Well, here's the thing. I'll thank you for bringing me back on point because I was eating the mango. And oftentimes I've had mango and gotten pussy right afterwards. And I was thinking to myself, what if this mango made my dick hard?

You know? I was like, now that would be something else. That'd be awesome. And I am happy to report that there is a new kid in the game. You know I'm a dick pill evangelist, eldest. You know I'm an ED. I've tried them all from the gas stations to other services. MangoRX now has a new ED pill that is game-changing, okay?

Really? Tastes like mango, my friend. Delicious, just like it. And they have a nice proprietary, because like I said, I've tried them all, Eld. They got a new proprietary formula that combines the active ingredients in Seattle and Viagra with oxytocin, known as the love hormone.

I've never heard of oxytocin before in my life, but let me tell you this, made my dick harder than ever. We're talking zwing! You know when they take out a sword and it goes, zing! That's how I felt putting my dick out of the condom. It was like unsheathing my hardcock. It was pure metal after I had some mango Rx, bro.

Shining in the light. Yes, one little gleam. One little gleam when I turned my dick a little bit. Hahaha. Mango Rx tastes good and makes your dick hard like metal folks. You heard it here first. I don't know, yeah, cause like I said, I've done a bunch of them.

And they also have an amino acid that helps increase blood flow. They got all kinds of science shit in here. They're making them taste delicious. I am so happy. It was the goal of this podcast. Truly, we sort of made a podcast to discover and work with a new innovators

on the cutting edge of the heart making your dick hard Science in the field right people who have a beautiful goal. You here's their mission make America hard again, eldest They you know, let's get can we get Fucking idiot there you go. Sorry We tried to give it the applause it deserved, but some asshole wasn't ready to go. And look, make America hard again. I think on, whatever side of the aisle you're on, conservative, liberal, leftist, centrist, you could, we could all use a harder dick.

Maybe if we busted more with harder dicks, all this division in the world would go away, eldest. I think this is such a good product, eldest. I think you might have to change your long-standing opinion on on ED Medication in general because look here's the thing about mango orics. You may not need it But you're gonna want it pal. Yeah, all right. I know I know I know I've spoken about it a lot But I am excited to try this one. Yes, a big part of that is the a lot, but I am excited to try this one. Yes. A big part of that is the dissolving factor. Quick, works within 10 minutes, my friend.

The dissolving factor and the yummy taste do make me very impressed. You've seen me take adibles, enough for. That's true, just because you wanted a little dummy. You wanted a little dummy. I'm a snack, because I have so much wine to get high as well. I've seen you take weed adibles. I've seen you take fiber adibles where you're

shitting yourself because you wanted a momentary snack. I've seen you take thums on an empty stomach just because you wanted the taste. And that's how we got elders through the door here with mango Rx. It's easy folks, buying mango is so easy. Just go to mangorx.com, complete a short and secure

telemedicine visit. You're in, you're out and mango can be shipped to streetly straight to your door. The telemedicine visit. You're in your out and mango can be shipped discreetly straight to your door. The telemedicine visit is over and literally a matter of minutes, it's nothing. Quick and easy, be sure to use code stav20 to save 20% off your first order. You and your partner are gonna love it.

That goes double for you, LD. I can't wait. I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago, it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels, but then it was obvious, get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was

a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal. This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mum and I stopped by that area to walk around. And remember, one of the most special times for my family, whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. I think I had to be damn.

It's a good question. Had to be seventh grade. Okay. Seventh grade when I was in, yeah, Lincoln, Lincoln, junior high. I got kicked out. I couldn't go to Hobbs because I had the whole eighth grade after me. The whole seventh grade was at me in sixth grade.

They wanted to just kill me. What'd you do? I fought, they're fucking, one of the kids, one of the kids. Yeah. We were wrestling, I, I know, I maybe went too hard and he got hurt and all his brothers, his Puerto Rican brothers.

Yeah. So I literally had, you know, a blood feud. Yeah, it was a vendetta. I would, outside, here's a problem. This is where a lot of my fear of life came in was back then because every day I remember I was in sixth grade. Every day I'd look outside after when school got dismissed and there would be 10 kids just waiting from seventh grade to in the kid to beat the shit out of America. I mean, because Boston, you know, like everybody talks about, you know, slums,

Boston had white slums. Sure. You know, back in the day, Medford, some of the, child's town, these are white slums, these are really, it's not the projects. Yeah. But we, nobody had money and everybody was fucking tough and everybody, yeah, family was tough, so it was really hard living, you know, to be a kid back then it was hard too. So I remember every day I was like,

oh, they're gonna kill me. I would have to stay under the stairs, hide from the janitor until like 3.30. Jesus, after like an hour after school, like an hour after school until they got tired enough. Like every day, and then I remember telling my mom, like mom, I remember crying like, you know, so taxing. Yeah. I was just my mom, like, mom, I remember crying, like, you know, so taxing.

Yeah. I was just so like, fuck, I'm gonna die, like they're gonna kill me. Every day you thought as a child, you were gonna be an ex-cubic. I was gonna die in sixth grade. Yeah. And then I remember, my mom was,

oh, you'll be fine, cause I grew up with Irish Catholic people, you know, and they went through hard of shit than that. Yeah. Cause you'll be fine, and I was like, oh, I know, and that's where I learned anger and rage and violence. Because it was the only way out. And I broke my wrist doing something,

and I remember one of those kids who was bullying me, caught me in the hallway while I was going to the bathroom and I injured like a wildlife documentary, but it was perfect because I Beat the fuck out of him with my cast I lost it I just went Can I smash this face to where he's begging me crying? Oh my god, and I wouldn't and I was he don't ever fuck with me again And I remember going back to class with this bloody cast. Yeah, and And then you know know, you know,

anybody with a cast on the right hand, please come down to the office. So I went down to the office, it was two of the kids just crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had blood all over my nose. I did it. Sorry.

But that's where I learned, and it sucks. Yeah. I was taught that. I was given that. That's where I was taught that, I was given that. That's where I was learned. Because I wish like with Max, Max got no altercation. And we have Max and Jiu-Jitsu. He's learned it from ego-gracy.

Oh, oh, graces. Yeah, I'm just talking. He's unbelievable. So he's up there doing that. And so he's learning how to, you know, kill somebody. Right, right, right. But I can. But I can.

I'm thinking that when people know that they can really hurt somebody, they don't. There's a certain confidence that goes with somebody that knows I'll just you just should rumbling around and yeah, well, I was big. You'd have to get down on the ground and put your face in somebody's ass hole.

Yeah. I'm just my kid on a blow as we out of situation. Yeah. It's not exactly punches. No, it's just come on. Lay on top of me. I don't fuck you up, dude. You gotta get on your, I'm gonna get on my back.

It's a little boring. It's grappling. It's grappling. Well, that's actually the best fighting system. Okay. Because all fights wind up on the ground mainly. So what happens is, you know, when somebody throws a punch or whatever, they take you to the ground

and they'll basically rip your arm off or choke you out. In a matter of seconds, it's really the best. If you type in Jiu-Jitsu versus it beats everything. Every form, boxing, kung fu, karate, all that shit, the Gracie's, used to think called the Gracie Challenge. You ever hear that? I have not.

Gracie Challenge, they would be like, you could challenge your Gracie anytime anywhere and they would take it. And there's video of it on YouTube. And these guys just beat the fuck out of somebody in the sand. They're gonna be, they're gonna beach. I don't know if you're a fun,

I can't even walk on the beach. We still have to walk on the beach. Let alone throw a punch. Oh my god, you get sand in your ear. Yeah. But these guys like wrestlers would come in and boxers and, you know, come through the early UFC is very interesting because it would be a complete, it was like a clash of different types. Well, that's not well, that's what it was originally. The grace is invented the UFC. Yeah. one of the graces with this other guy invented that because they knew that hoist was the smallest of them all and they put him in there to prove that Gracie Jiu-Jitsu is better than anything. Yeah, and he won that first one against Shamrock. Can't Shamrock is up. Dude pancreas champion beast. Yeah, I mean you look at them physically. It was wild

There was also here Oh, there was also a guy with like one boxing glove. I can who was there was hilarious There's some fat guys like some fat trucker just in jeans. There's like a guy in boots. It was a really we UFC one watch it It was if you can get it's fucking crazy. Well the guy with the one boxing glove was so crazy because he couldn't when he got on the ground, he fucked him up. Well he didn't have any, he couldn't, he couldn't fight and he had no hand. Yeah, he had one hand. Just a thumb. Yeah, it was hilarious. The other guy, but the first one, they actually made a rule for the next one. The first one of the guys went over and just fucking hammer fisted the guy in the nuts 17 times.

It's so crazy to watch. The guy is dying. He's smashing his nuts. So the next one they'd be like, I know hitting them. No nuts. No nuts. Yeah. That's smart though.

You got to take advantage of the nut rule. If you can hit the nuts, get hit the nuts. This guy went out and just smashed this guy on the balls. It's very funny. 17 times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the back of his hand, it's crazy.

But so anyways, I taught, Max knows that, but he also knows I got you. Yeah. I'm there for you, dude. I'm never gonna lay. You might get hurt, you might get in a fight, but I got you a back. And you didn't have that at all.

Single mom. And you had a single mom that worked. Yeah, I got to. You and you didn't have that at all Single mom and you have step mom that works The first one was abusive. Yeah, my first day I wasn't there second was abusive third one little too late I was already kind of gone at that. Oh, that's right. I remember that story where it was like He was nice and it was like but you were already fucking fat bitch on the train on the train track I was already a piece of shit And you were so little I bet you it's so like it's it would be I mean obviously it's sad But it would be funny to just look at video of essentially a little kid

I was a little getting fucked up and getting pussy on train tracks It would it's like insane to think about Just this little kid who should have been like, you know, at after school club or whatever. Sure, yeah. You should have been playing like board games with his friends, playing Fuzball. Yeah. You were a finger popping instead.

Finger popping. I'm drinking wine. Yeah, drinking communion wine. Yeah, Matt Dogg, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20. Bum juice. Bum juice was the shit. Because you got sober, litter, what? How old?

15. Crazy. Yeah dude. When someone got sober, literally what? How old? 15. Crazy. When someone gets sober, before 21 is the rule, but before 18, that you were a fucking lunatic. Well, yeah dude, I remember flying back, I got arrested in Rochester. Okay. That was just the worst year.

How did you get to the Rochester? Well, what would happen? My family, I went away the first time at 13, and my family wanted to move. My mom was with Larry and my sister, and they moved to Ben Salem, Pennsylvania. Okay. So when I got out of jail, I went with them. Yeah. I just went to, but I was still a ward of the state of Massachusetts. Oh, well. So anyways, I went there. I got into it. I got into trouble there. Like a few months in, I broke a. I got into it. I got into trouble there like a few months in I broke a kid's arm Fucking idiot. I am because I'm from bet Boston. He was looking at me. What the fuck are you looking at just an idiot?

Yeah, just a fucking idiot. Yeah, and Hit the whole his brother his brother is we're on the wrestling football team So again, I had a group of just dudes wanting to beat the shit out of me. A motif in your life, a theme in your life. Really, yeah, it was bad. It was sucked. So I actually, when we went back to Boston for the first trip back, I ran away. And I wound up living on the streets for a while. Wow.

And me and my friend Frankie wound up going into the sum of the projects to get weed one night. And then we got our asses, whoops. For men. Man. Dude, yeah, I remember that. I was 13 and the four, like men were beating the shit out of me. And there was blood head to toe.

Wow. Blood head to toe. Frankie was bleeding internally. What should they just stole? They knew they could rob you. But they sold us the weed. Right. And then they came up to get it back.

Right, right, right. So they basically sold us, got our money, robbed us, beat the fuck out of us. The beating is pretty unnecessary. Well, the beating was weird because they already got you. In the middle of it, they stopped. They were like, one of the bigger, leave him alone. He's bloody. He's had enough.

So he was like, where you from? I'm like, I'm like, Medford. He's like where you from? I'm like and I'm like Medford He's a god cool. What part of my west? Medford he's like you know and I was like oh yeah You're bleeding he's yeah bleeding here's 13. He's fucking probably 28 imagine hitting a fucking child When you're 28 so he's he's talking to me and we're on this great conversation. Yeah, he just goes all right And he goes you ready and I great conversation. And he just goes, all right. And he goes, you ready? And I go, yeah, and he just waxed him.

So I'm like, I like Wily Coyote. And roadrunner, it's like, I had time to clock back in. So it was weird. We were believing me. And Frank, he's bleeding internally, can't walk. We're going to hop the fence to get back over to Medford. And I remember I was so proud of myself that I didn't cry. Wow.

I was like, Frankie, I didn't cry. He's like, what? I'm like, I took a beating and I did this the first time I ever got my ass kicked and I didn't cry. And I was like, I was like, he's like, good for you, kid. This is awesome. He's bleeding. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's bleeding. So, he's exploded. Yeah, so we wound up, so I went in, he went in the hospital. I wound up visiting him two days later in the hospital hospital and all of a sudden this the cop the first guy Detective to arrest me when I was like I think I was like 10 I got arrested And for we're still in a robin a canteen truck wow cigarettes and fucking you who I think When you smoke your first cigarette For you the cigarette was for you 10 whiskey first time, I whiskey when I was 10.

That's a funny combo is cigarettes and you who? Yeah. That's what I get. That's what I get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. Mm, a little chocolate milk next. That's what I get.

Let's watch him in. That's what I get. So, well, I went into the hospital to visit him and the guy stuck his head in and he goes, Bobby, let's go. And I was like, fuck, I went into the hospital to visit him, the guy stuck his head in, he goes, Bobby, let's go. And I was like, fuck, I got caught. So as we're leaving, he's like, why would you ever, if you know you wanted, why would you ever

kick a vending machine in the hospital? I go, I didn't kick a vending machine. I was visiting Frank, he goes, I got the wrong guy. And I was like, well, can I go? He goes, there's a warrant out there. Oh, so I went back to jail. Wow. I was like, well, can I go? He goes, there's a warrant out for all of you. So he, I went back to jail. Wow. I went back to jail. Some other guy kicked a vending machine. Stupid cunt. Oh my god. Sorry, just wearing like that. I want to get you demonetized.

It's really positive. I know. Really big. So I went back to jail. Yeah. And I went back to. So anyway, let's talk in detail about a man beating a child. That's fine. But God forbid we say cunt. I know. Keep detailing the horrific child abuse you had, Bobby. And, you know, something's safe for the algorithm. Oh, fuck. So yeah, because then you basically just spent a lot of your adolescence in Juve, you get

sober. I got sober. I was up in Rochester working on a farm. Wow. I got a job on a farm through the state. Five days a week, I would wake up and- This is like Jesus. A great depression life by the way.

It was crazy. You grew up in the fucking what, 80s, 70s? 70s and 80s. 70s and 80s and you lived like a kid in 1910. You're like, I robbed a truck for cigarettes and they put me in jail and Rochester. So I had to work it off on a farm. Wow.

Yeah, well. Once Moss settled down with Larry, they didn't want nothing to do with me. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Your life is like a shitty Steinbeck novel. Like a first draft. Yeah, I worked. I had to wake up at the crack of fuck to drive my bike. Crazy dude.

Like four miles up into the country of Ben Ciel and Pennsylvania. Wow. Upstate near Rochester. And I would work on this farm, but this farm, I want to just phone and love with the animals and the responsibility. Oh, interesting. I got so tired at the end of the day,

I couldn't go out and do all the shit. And anyways, I want to make a money, and me and my mom were getting along, and Larry, I had to, they were like, gee, I was really doing it, you know what I mean? And I didn't have time to go party. But then of course I did, and I got fucked up again. I went up ripping off gumball machines.

Again, these are, I mean, these crowds. It's tragic that all the crimes are funny. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's just a fucking gumball machine. You're just, the cops are like, did you take them and you're like, no, and then you walk and it's like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh,

just pockets full of quarters. Yeah, well the cop actually said, he had a shotgun to my head. And he goes, if he moves, shoot him. But, and I literally went, it was gum. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, It was gums. You fucking redneck pop-up and fucking black-asser. I was so like whatever. But that shit sucked.

That shit was the worst. And I remember when I was there for like a week and a half and you were a number, it was terrible. It was really bad. For some reason I felt like I met Mike Tyson up there because of juvenile. Probably not. It was 100% not.

Yeah. Wasn't even lined up. Yeah. I remember being in the Jail Cell with this black kid. He was 20 and 89. Yeah, I thought. He was like 21 and 89. Yeah, well, I was, I got sober in 85, 86.

Okay. Yeah, I like this. You know, it's just, it's just feasible enough. It was, we were in a cell together. Uh-huh. And it was, it was like him. Yeah. But he, it was upstate New York.

You might look up how old Mike Tyson is, Elders. 52, 53. Yeah, we'll fight, we'll fight. It's weird, what if it was him? That'd be wild. We were locked. And I see him, he's like, Bobby, you're 52.

56. I mean, dude. I don't know What are you 55 52? Fuck this. Sorry. Look fantastic. You do you look great. I just I honestly I went from his age and subtracted one to be nice Yeah, no, I was hoping that I was hoping that you and him were in the cell together. I don't think it's possible That'd be fine, but anyway, you just sucked off a different black guy with a list. You're just not gay. Because of the list. The list cancels it out. That's gay doing something gay. It's so fact though, they can't allow. If you have, if he said this, that's a woman. That's a female partner. And that's her pussy.

Yeah. Like, but I remember they flew me back. They had to fly me back to Boston because I was the ward of the state. And I remember 15 getting on the plane with a pack of marble red and sitting in the smoking section. Right, right, right. And asking for a light. And I remember the students coming over and I was like, hey, can I get a match?

And she was like, yeah, sure. And she went, Matt, could you imagine looking at a... Can you get a child? I'm literally just smoking a marble red, 15 on a plane. And they got me the light to light it. What a better America. I mean, that's fucking free to.

Yeah, it really is. That was fun. Straight from child jail to smoking a cigarette on a plane 90s 90s what puts a gun to your head for stealing gum. That's the American I miss baby You're one redneck's bad mood away from being executed. Yeah, Ben. Rock and roll. Fuckin' pussy.

Let's be fun, then. I catch all the people still and go. I love it. It really isn't, it's an insane. And you delved into it, but it's like, that is such an untapped. I'm tapping. I can't seem to tap into it through comedy.

Yeah. And I would love to do it. It's honestly, sometimes I feel like the one man show thing is a cop out, some people do, but I think in your case, it's a real thing. You're a great actor. It would be a hilarious show, so I can win you a funny. And then you don't have to go on the road.

You get to do it in New York, you get to fucking... You fucking retiring me from the end. Can I get 10? I just wanted a piece, I go on a couple points on this. I want to be the EP of your one man show. Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, we'll get the fucking Albanian. Yeah, fucking push a button somewhere.

Yeah. No, I the fucking Albanian. I can push a button somewhere. Yeah. No, I've thought about it. I gotta do, you know, with this whole fat thing too. It's like, there's so many people that are actually doing this surgery now that I know, because I came out of a closet with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's like being gay.

It's exactly the same. Oh, it is, man. This is surgery. Fat people want to, you know, you, because you get it, you know people like, oh you look good, man, you're doing it. I'm like, yeah, but excited, you know, I'm gay. I did say, maybe, I mean, you're also probably gay.

That's could be part of it. Yeah. Your eyes are too expressing. My wife, I'm just saying, I'm about 100%. It was funny, because we did the podcast while you were in. If I'd grabbed my chest at all, I'm throwing my phone at the lake. Yeah.

Literally, whatever I am, I'm tossing this phone. I know what she's doing. She's just getting on my browser history. You got to fucking do in private mode, Bob. What's that? I'll teach you all about it. Please. Yeah. I don't nervous here today. It's hyped in X mode, Bob. What's that? Oh, I'll teach you all about it. Please, yeah.

I don't nervous here today. It typed in X for this thing. And just fucking what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I jerked off to that. Yeah. I was like, oh my god. Bob, he tried to search Sharon Stone,

but he stopped at the SH. And boy, did he have some things pop up? The TR-T pop up? TR- TR-A Can I have an L? L-A-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L I'm scared, that's how it sounds. You better be quick with the R, that's all I know. He's got to. Be fast with the R. Yeah, that's so fucking great, Bob. I mean, yeah, it's just so, and then what's very interesting is that the like,

so you do kick the addictions that have you basically in jail. And then you live probably like, you manage a whole other host of addictions for probably 20 years ending with food Yeah, but before that it's sex and then you know cigarettes, you know, yeah food was the first one Of course, it's the most primal one. I think food is the first one for a lot of people my my first time I got fat was six grade

In that time where the kids were gonna beat me up. I had no friends. And when I, you know, it was, it was my, my mom got divorced from the guy who was abusing us and she had a work seven days a week and blah, blah, blah. And I was alone. I had no friends. I had nobody, man. Nobody looked out for me.

Nobody checked up on me. And people just assumed I was okay, but I wasn't. And that's when I found food. Food really became a friend very quickly when I was alone. I could eat and it really fucked me up. My first fat was kind of sad. But my sixth grade teacher, Mr. Depersio. Depersio. Yeah, I loved him. A tying guy. Beautiful name. It was in the running and was in, you know, and I remember we did the sixth grade Olympics. And I was fat as shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember he really, he actually went to my father's son, Pollock Supper, and my dad, because I didn't have one at the time. And then I remember that when we went to the Olympics, and there was the 440 which is once around the track. And he came up to me and we were doing it against other junior highs and there was this

shredded black kid on the other six grade team. We were a six grade team from I think North Method or something. And I remember he was like, Kelly, Kelly. And he gave me that fucking, you know, that football coach goes, I want you to win. I want this medal. I want this 440. I want you to go out there and you win this for me, Kelly.

You got it. I was like, I got it, Mr. D. And I remember I was running so fast. And I felt that kid and he started to pass me and I just I just I'm getting this for Mr. D and I won Wow I won the 440 Everybody was like what the fuck? The laps were sweaty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's it Kelly. And it was like the greatest, one of the greatest childhood experiences I had.

And then I started running marathons. Wow. He got me into running and I ran a mile and then I ran a 5K and I lost, I started losing the weight. Because I had somebody. Something positive. And then I went to seventh grade

and fucking started doing, viking in and. Yeah. Fucking out of all the. Positive and then I went to seventh grade and fucking started doing viking in Fucking the non-seo wasn't that good a teacher sounds like the persio the persio Cali I want you to win Yeah, I remember that. That was my first fat. Yeah, it was a I'm going to win. But yeah, remember that, that was my first fat. It was a terrible, terrible time, man. I would go in the basement, I couldn't go to school.

I would go in the basement and I would sleep in the corner. I had a pillow and a blanket in the corner. Just a dusty cement dirty basement floor, but I had little bags of treats. I had like Susie Cues because the devil dog was too dry. Yeah, of course. And a ring ding was too decadent. Susie Cue just right.

Yeah, like the fat Goldilocks. Yeah. Yeah, that was more. Right? Yeah. And I would have my little treats. Yeah. And I would go down there and, you know, watch the TV and I'd have my little snacks that

were my friends and maybe feel good. Of course, I know. It was something to go do, you know what watch those TV and I'd have my little snacks that were my friends and made me feel good. Of course, I know. Something to go do, you know what I mean? I know about, I mean, when it's like, when shit gets stressful, it's like, I find myself just wanting to have a fucking pizza, a fucking scuba ice cream, a whole thing ice cream, and then just zone the fuck out.

So nothing better. So I never get the name morbidly obese. It's like, dude, I was never morbid. I was the happiest. I've been one of those naked in a hotel with a pizza. Pizza on one sit, and I clamped out on my other sit. I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. Now I'm morbid.

I only have a half a sandwich. I want a dump. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know. So I love a snack. It's, yeah, food. And nothing else is as bad. It's like even like drugs and sex or whatever.

It's like they can, but food is always there. And it's so easy to slip into. Well, food is, yeah, like I say, you can't, they don't celebrate holidays with heroin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like food is the motherfucker. Yeah, because you this, and the old that old you get the more little celebrations you have. Of course.

More little birthdays, the more little anniversaries. You know, when you're young, it's Christmas Thanksgiving. Yeah. And you're out. Yeah. You know, that's in your birthday, maybe. Good to go. But when you get older, anniversaries,

Oh, you know, everything. And then retirement party. It's fucking death I mean death and food is I mean dude. I'm glad I got this surgery because I can eat like dawn made our meatloaf last night Yeah, I ain't giving that up. Yeah, yeah, I'm giving up. I gotta give up drugs alcohol pussy and meatloaf Just fucking kill me. Yeah, what's the point? Yeah, fucking blow me, shoot me up with heroin tonight.

Fucking, I ain't doing it. So I can eat that stuff. I just gotta be careful with it. Yeah, no, you'll be good. Yeah, no, there's so much we can talk about. And we'll get it, you gotta come back, we gotta talk. Because so many great stories of the like, I mean, again, it's, they're sad, but

it's like, stories you're talking were in the road about like when you were, you know, when you had the sex addiction stuff, like the places that would lead you, it was bad, but a couple funny ones in there too. Well, sex addiction is a tough one. Yeah, it's a tough one because it's fun. Yeah. I mean, a lot of great stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I was a professional. Yeah. I knew, I was a professional. Yeah. I knew, I remember we would drive a mean Gary Gellman. We would drive in a Boston and there was a girl walking to the gas station. I think she's a hucker. And he was like, what?

I go, hang on, I pulled over. She was using the pay phone. I walked over to use the pay phone. I go, she's a hucker. He goes, how do you know? I go, her knuckles. Knuckles. He's like, what? I go, her knuckles. Her knuckles. He's like, what?

I go, you go, look at the chicks knuckles. If they get little ashy dirty knuckles, it's a whore. It's a street walk. I'm sure enough, she started walking up the street. I go, you want to ride, she goes, yeah. She went and ate my ass with $22. I'm what was Gary doing? He, I dropped him off.

Yeah, I love it. Sex is a bad one too. It's a bad one, yeah. But now, dude, beautiful life. I dropped him off. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha was like, oh shit, because you know, I mean, I'm still a fuck up, I'm still I'm still fucking whacked, but he's so good. Like even last night we had a, I said something, I said something, he was being an asshole. Yeah, which kids will be. Of course. And I raised my voice and I was, you know, you know, I got that thing, you know what I mean?

I forget sometimes, I got that. An anger problem. Well, it's an anger problem, but it's also my tone, my regular tone, to people who don't, yes. It's a kind of a Boston thing. Of course. Well, it's like, hey, shut the fuck up. It's a scare off of normal.

It's a scare off a pack of Puerto Ricans. Timber in your voice. Timber, hey, fucking cock, suck. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, but sometimes, but he last night was like, your tone was unnecessary. Wow. And then I said something and he goes in and hurt my feelings

and I'm like, but here's the greatest thing. I went, you're right. Yeah. I raised my tone, I apologize. And I will try to be aware of that. If you can do me a favor and try to listen blood. And I'm like, I got a kid who will fucking talk, who will express his feelings.

And he's got somebody who listen, who's not gonna just tell him everything's fine, relax. And I will admit that, you know what, your dad isn't perfect too. I will, you know what I mean? Of course, I'm so happy that I have that with that kid. And my wife, she was there too, you know what I mean? I mean, passive aggressive towards sometimes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Man, they sucked the fun on us. I'm sorry. That's, that's, that's, Kim on the other day, I see him on the ring, Kim. They suck the fun on a set. Max, Max came on me the other day. I see him on the ring cam. He peed on the house. I mean, we have two bathrooms.

He's five seconds away from him. I see him with his Sebastian. He'll be right there. Walks up to the front door. You know my front door. Walks over to the ring cams right there. Whips his little packer out. you can hear it hitting the siding I'm sudden don goes what are you you can hear on the winner? What are you doing? There's some taking a piss?

I got it on video. I'll show you the video. You want to see the video? I do yeah, yeah, can I show it to you? Yeah, yeah, dude this fucking kid now. I'm howling at this of course it is hilarious I'm howling but dawn is you know mad at it But I'm like listen. I can't I can't I can't be I can't I can't listen you gotta hear this shit, too I'll see if I can yeah we go ready I'm taking a piss. I love it. I got a good kid. He's a good kid.

Yeah. Well, why don't we take some of this fatherly advice and bring it to our callers? What do you say? I can't wait to talk to you. Let's do it. Let's do it. We need this. We need a, you're, we've had a father father on but he's a father of a young we've had

Micraseed we were we haven't had a father who's actually raised the child yet. So let's hear it. Here's our first one I Have a good time every single time this happens I just have a quick question. My boyfriend is kind of into butt stuff and me too completely consensual. But he's only really into me receiving, and I'm trying to get him into being the one

that's into receiving. I've heard that prostate stimulation is earth shatteringly great. I don't have one, but I've heard through other people that it is. Okay. My question just is how do I get my boyfriend to see the light? It's not it, it's easy. Yeah, Bob, you want to take this one? Next time you are going down on him, eat his asshole like a fucking cream pie. Go down there. Whatever favorite pie you like, apple, Boston cream, pumpkin, go down there and give it a lick.

Start with the lick. Lick it, lick it, and then as soon as he goes, oh, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go and make him ask for it. Don't do it again. First one to Tom Luzas. I'm not gonna have a better perspective than Bobby on this one. I've only ever had a finger in my ass put in combatively. I've never had it put in. Dude, I've had girls who literally just ate my ass. Josh. I used to date a girl at the cell at the bartender

Is Puerto Rican girl smoking hot everyone to be she would like I go meet her at the cell at like in the afternoon And she we go outside smoke a cigarette she's like All right, well, let me go eat your ass We go up to my place And she I would shoot I would it on all fours, like an animal. Look at that. Yeah, I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true.

I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true.

I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's true. I don't know I cleaned my ass. I was like, okay, they cleaned it, came out, they should give it a little swipe. That's good. It's right back to it. Yeah.

Now you say that was the whole base of your sexual relationship. With her, yeah, I had a couple grows. Now you would bust from getting your ass in? Mm-hmm. I say, I say, yes, I say, yes, I say, yes, I, yes, look. Yes, I've done. I say yes. I yes. Oh Yes, I've done I say I say yes. I have no getting no getting jacked. Oh no, they touched my penis. Of course Yes, I was bust solid. What's up? Trump? What was the the trombone? Yeah. Oh God, dude. Yeah

That was my thing. I mean I wouldn't do it now to anybody because it what it looks like an elephant's knee patch Yeah, you're back. It's that's not that that's the last one. That's a spring. No, that is not that's like a waistband It's elastic. Yeah, it's a string. It's been stretched out. Yeah, that's not bouncing back No, that was it. That's like a fat of fat black girls elbow a fat black girls elbow. Just imagine. Your ass looks like precious. Yeah. You know that little...

Gaborate Cidabase elbow. Yeah, did you Gaborate Cidabase? Fuck it, what's up? Thank you. What a pull. Thank you, thank you. So you heard that. Start, eat as I just to, you know, just a little bit. You want to get down there

You want to get down there with your forces like the Navy seals they get in there They get down there looing this all sat in the distracted then when you get down you get in that perimeter you fucking Mmm, and then as soon as you're done you get the fuck out. Oh, this you've never had your ass eating right? I Think I have you have you that's ass eaten right? I think I have you how that's right you have You needed a hair dryer in a comb I don't know how or what someone would try that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, then brush your tongue out. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh my god. She had like somebody doing cornrows. She had to just pull it. Yeah. She had a black thing. You go, have pity lady. You want me to braid this bum for you?

So you can get in there. And anyway, I gave him some straight backs. Let us ask her look like Alan Iverson so I can get to it. Alright, let's hear another one, Eldis. I gotta get my ass in. I can't believe I haven't. It's such a great thing, but you gotta wash. I'll wash. You gotta clean. You gotta wipe. You gotta nice. It felt good, but I feel like I never really, you know, really locked in was it or...

It was just dabbling. Alright, some people were just meant to dabble. I never really, you know, really locked in was it or... Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, uh... at a gas station she could tell somebody wants to say that she know she could tell a lightly closeted man lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly lightly I'm playing about in any way, but I was clubbing in Vegas. And I had by God's grace, I was propositioned by two college seniors, 22 years old, to have a three-person party. Okay. I'm 34. They were both fucking nine-hour stands. Just, you know, as good as it gets, but the thing is I'm kind of obsessing over it. No shit. Like, kind of sucks in general.

And I don't learn how to move forward. I feel like I'm never been so sure that my life is careening downhill from here on out. You're right. And I feel like I will avoid love at all costs, at the one in a billion chance that something like this happens again. So how do I just take the win and fucking move on with my life? Because I cannot stop. I can't bother.

Thank you. You're the best. You're never going to stop thinking about this. You're going to be dying and your grandchildren will be like, what are you thinking about, Papaa? And you'll have to pretend it's about like their grandmother. Because what you'll be thinking about on your deathbed is getting double sucked by two college seniors. That's it. This is the best moment of your life.

This is, you have peaked. You're, when he says 34, it's not happening. This is the height of your sexual career Yeah, and now you move on to another Another phase of your life. Yeah, I told you before pussy's die 34 whatever girl you're gonna wind up with is gonna be around 30 something by the time you get shit together Who her pussy is literally almost gonna be in hospice? This right here was given to you from the gods.

Right. A farewell gift. Yeah, so you need to remember it and burn it into a hard drive. Burn it into one of your minds. So, when you get all the timers or whatever the fuck it is, adventure, and you can't remember your dumb kids name. You'll remember Kathy and Terry, the 220 year old, and you'll remember that night when they sucked

you up mediocre packer and a fucking hotel room. I'd love to know the story here, what happened? I know, well, you know, I don't know, but he was proposition. Two college seniors, which is awesome, the 22, and they have a three person, I'm 34, both fucking nine out of seniors, which is awesome. They're 22 and they have a three person. I'm 34 both Fucking nine out of 10, which is nuts and this guy doesn't sound like I should truly sounds like he might be a good looking guy Too all right looking and a nine out of 10 would be a nine out of 10, right?

It could be or they could be you know He could not he could not get no pussy and we're talking about six and a half and he's on Molly He could not, he could get no pussy and we're talking about six and a halfs and he's on Molly. And you're in Vegas. Yeah, and you're in Vegas. Yeah, she could have had hairlip. Yeah, yeah. Have you chas anybody, has anybody opened up a credit card in your name?

Is your social security card still safe? Let's run a credit check before you start celebrating. You have a Canadian girl. Yeah. That's how you get all these cameras. Yeah. Yeah, you please. Listen, you need to just remember that, enjoy it.

I would figure out some type of tattoo, maybe 22, 22. Yeah. I have 22. Slash 9. Yeah. Yeah. You can look down at your ankle, your gay ankle, when you're 47, and you'd be like, ah, man, remember that?

Yeah. Remember that. I know. Yeah. But to say that you want to avoid love for the remember that? Yeah, remember that. I know. But to say that you want to avoid love for the one in a billion chance, that's crazy. It's not gonna happen, pal. You're not this guy, you're not a three. Clearly he's not a three-some guy.

Clearly, it really wasn't one in a million chance. And look, start your new life, start the next phase of your life. Yeah, it's over. Yeah, dude, like if you did this in Missouri or like Montana, you ran into 220, it's Vegas. Yeah. Yeah, that's not an odd thing.

Did they sleep in your hotel room with maybe they were fucking for shelter? It's a possibility. Dude, 100%. I had two fat chicks play truth at the dare in my dick. And what's that other game? Did, uh, trust me? Trust me? Trust me? what's that other game? The trust me trust me trust me. What's the idea? Two fatties with three fat people on the king size bed and he can sun suck it. Then one game of the flu I almost died.

That's hilarious. I have also shared a king bed with two fatties. Can't find it on Fuck any one genre yeah There was a lot of weight on that king bed brother Thank God that was not a load bearing bed Good luck we're rooting for you. Yeah, listen don't stop thinking about it But that's to be don't stop thinking you think it's all wrong. Yeah, dude, listen, don't stop thinking about it. But that's the beat. Don't stop thinking, you think it's all wrong. It's not a bad thing, it's a beautiful thing. You'll think about it.

You might be thinking about it when you get married. That's okay. In fact, you're gonna need that to come on your way tonight. That's what I was gonna say. If you're ever feeling sad and like you have to fake happiness, God gave that to you. Yes. You don't care that your son got a hundred percent on a spelling test.

Think about these four tits you saw in Vegas. Yeah, I did. You're good to go. You're golden for the rest of your life. You're knowing you walk your wife in, you carry her through the thing, she's on the bed, you take that stupid dress offer and you can't get it up because you're, you're lover but you don't like her. And you're going to think of these two girls and they're going, but you don't like her. And you're gonna think of these two girls

and they're gonna get you through your night with your wife and you'll be able to close your eyes and think of them and then open them at the last second and look at your beautiful wife and go, I love you. Yeah, you got to give from God. Don't be don't look at this negatively. Not at all. Enjoy yourself.

Mm-hmm. Butch the best you have one. You have something locked in the chamber. Don't be don't look at this negatively not at all enjoy yourself But's the best you have one you have something locked in the chamber I got a lot I did some I did a lot of weird shit. Yeah, I was into a lot of weird stuff. That's great Yeah, I loved I loved sharing sharing Sharing. Sharing. Like swapping. We're sharing a girl with a friend. I like when a girl, look at, I like when a girl, I liked, I knew she liked somebody else.

You know what I mean? And I'd be like, it's okay. You would allow her to be the one to talk to. I would allow it. Yeah. And there's a power to it. Well, it's her power, not mine. Interesting.

It's hers, not mine, because you have all the power. I don't have any of it. You know what I mean? So you like the powerlessness? Yeah, I like the powerlessness. I didn't like to get hit. Sure. Yeah, I had tried that a couple of times. One girl handcuffed me instead of slapping me. I ripped out of the handcuffs and fucking was like, fuck you and then I put her on the can.

I left for two hours. I went and got dinner. It's so mad when I came back. Yeah, but we fuck like motherfuckers. That's a pretty good one. Yeah. It's so mad when I came back. But we fuck like mother fuck. That's a pretty good one. Yeah, I like sex with me.

I like dirty stuff. I like weird, not too crazy, but I don't mind. I remember one time I was dating this girl and she was like, I want you to piss on me. Sure. And right in the middle of conversation, my real dad, we had a relationship at the time. We kind of rekindled our father done.

And he called me up on Hanlon's second. I clicked over, I go, hey, dad. The girl wants me to piss on her. Like, what the fuck? You're biologic, my father. I'm not. Who would be the left, who would be the band and use the bass?

Was there for this one? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah this one. Yeah. And I said, this is the greatest advice you ever gave me. He said, I go, what would you do with your piss on? He goes, well, look, I wouldn't get a gallon of water and muster up a piss.

But if I had to go, yeah, that's like not. Very pragmatic. I mean, really made sense. Dude, I'm not gonna go and try to piss in this chick, but if someone said I have to piss and I had to pee, yeah, I sure let it be. Sure, yeah. Yeah, because I think we've all been there

where you're getting your dick sucked and you kind of have to piss. 100%. This would be convenient if you were into piss. Sure, if you were into it. Who's not? My problem is I don't have a great stream. You don't wanna dribble all of the sudden.

You have a diabetic stream, it's not good, but it tastes awesome. So kind of. You're right. Yeah. It's like, this fat fuck tastes like honey. Yeah. I'm drinking phanta.

I feel like I'm blowing a beehive right now. Yeah. Honey yeah, I'm drinking phanta like I'm blowing up be high right now That's up a tree's found out you had diabetes. That's a great joke. Oh my god He's he's he was pissing on his girl and she's like There's like lucky charms I Think that's on the mr. P special or was that on elephant in the room. Oh, no, so good though Let's keep him rocking here, eldest. I know you got some good ones for us.

What up, Stuyves 80? I've been listening to you since you first released your first Stuyves World podcast, what you're doing, keeping it as well as special too, looking forward to the next one. So I'm 28 years old, and for the first 25 or so years in my life, I was about little bit more professional too, looking forward to the next one. I'm 28 years old and for the first 25 or so years in my life I was about 150 pounds. Never been ripped or anything but have always been pretty skinny and thought I'd have that metabolism forever. I know when naive dumbass kids thought that is.

So I put on about 60 pounds since then and I realized not a ridiculous weight but definitely a big change for me from an appearance perspective and is something that people who I know in the past can obviously notice. It hadn't completely deteriorated myself confidence but for sure something I'm self-catchable about. Sounds like it. So being a newly fat man in this world I was hoping you could give me some advice about what the world would look like to me going forward and if you had an advice about an navigate through life. I guess I'm just trying to decide if I'm going to commit to being fat or buckle down and

figure out a way to lose the weight. Any advice will be much appreciated. Thanks, sir. What am I, a fat Sherpa? Yes. You're the guy. You're right. I guess you're right.

I guess you're right. Fatest You're the guy. You're right. I get it right. Fatest guy in comedy. Sorry. Yeah, you fucked me on that one. I thought I was golden. I know, I fucked you just son. I'm sorry.

God damn it. You really did. Well, look, it is. First of all, this thing where he says skinny and I thought I metabolism. I know When I eat like a dumbass and thought I put on 60 pounds since then and I realize it's not a ridiculous way 210 so he's 210. He's like I'm not Ridiculous. No, it's three it's six babies. Yeah Listen to me. Yeah, go carry, that's, you know, that's, that's three 20 pound turkeys.

Yeah. I want you to go to the store. Yeah. Put them in the back. I want you to grab three 20 pound turkeys. Not even put them in the back. Hold them around your waist. That's what you're doing.

It's not good. Stop it. Yeah. Stop it now. Yeah. Right there. Yeah. Somebody's now. Yeah, right there. Somebody's a, somebody, listen, gets one fucking surgery.

He's calling people tubs of shit. You're David Goggins all of a sudden. You wait on, it's fucking doing. Look at the mirror. I just, you know what, you're right. Yeah, it's good, good. I'm strong too. I hate your fucking, you hate me now that I'm

No, I don't hate you. I don't hate you. I don't hate you felt it. You don't know. No, no, that's not what you felt. I felt it That's not what you felt hate me I don't like the way. Don't play the victim. Don't play the victim. I got one on you and you don't like it That's what that is. Yeah, you got one on me. You got two on me. Maybe five. Fanny. No, dude.

No, dude. Now, but look, Bobby is actually correct. I mean, first of all, 60 pounds is a lot. 60's not, you know, 2.10 is not the craziest, the way it obviously to be. For what? You really have forgotten your roots. 60's not you know two ten is not the craziest the way it obviously to be for what You really have forgotten your roots Like I haven't split six appetizers with you many times

I gotta tell you it's not like you put on 20. Sure, sure, sure. Not 30, I'll give her a 30. You're right, you're right. It's 60. 60. That, you know what that is? Which is a lot. That's a, that's a seven year old. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to help this guy.

You're, and listen, when you put it that way, when you put the turkey analogy hurt me, because what you heard was me lashing out at you, because this guy weighs 80 pounds less than me. You know what I'm saying? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, and you're like, you fat fucking dog sucker. Because this guy weighs 80 pounds less than me. You know what I'm saying? And you're like, you fat fucking dog sucker. You got three turkeys.

You got nine turkeys. I got nine turkeys. And you know what? You said that I was like, Damn, that does suck. I've carried turkeys before. I've carried one big one. That was fucking annoying.

You have a little Thanksgiving carrying that dumb turkeys. It sucks. It stinks. You have. It sucks. Yeah. You I know. I got a lot of turkeys. You have seven turkeys or seven big ones. Yeah, well dude, I was seven juicy ones. Yeah, you could feed like a battered woman shelter. I'm like a I'm like a gang throwing the turkeys to the hood. Oh, thanks giving. I mean, look, I only know I was bigger than everybody. Yeah. 350 something.

So, no, but 60 pounds is not a, it is a ridiculous amount of weight. It's, so he probably means he doesn't look fat as shit yet. That's probably what it is. Right, which is serious. It is very dangerous. Yeah. That is very dangerous, because that has happened to me before where I'm like, oh, my habits are bad, but I haven't gained the weight.

And then, one day, you wake up, you've gained 80 pounds. And that's a problem, is nobody tells you. Yeah. Nobody will say anything. They say it all behind your back. 100%. It's all that jibbassine stuff, you're like, I know what the fuck happened.

Hey, Stan, how you doing, buddy? You look good. And you know there's the fat angles that you give yourself. You only look in the mirror, the one specific angle where you don't look that fat. Well, it's not being crazy. I still have three, I still have a turkey and a half left.

Yeah, I'm not in shape. Right, right. I'm still a shape. Yeah, it's not your character. Yeah. I know those people watch around, he's still fat. Yeah. I know, I know.

I know. Who are these people exactly? It's just very thin douchebags From what part of the world? I they're from down south Not on the coast, but in shore in land on in land So that's why I'm still fat mother fuckers because I like turkey now he's now it's Richard prior now on mudball um so look he's what you're asking is like I I love that you're like, should I buckle down and live the fat lifestyle?

No. No, pal. That's like, here's, that's the reality. If you could get out of it, and also, you're not built for it. You're not, you know what I mean? You're not, you don't have the joints, you don't have the lower body strength.

Yeah, you don't have the lower body strength. You're a lollipop, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a lollipop with a fucking weird stomach probably. You gotta stand out calves. Yes. We could actually build the pyramids with it. I Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a lollipop with the fucking weird stomach probably you gotta stand out calves Yes, we could actually build the pyramids with like I got a treat we got treat trunks going here. Yeah, look at those fucking things I still got them. Yeah, it's nice. So If you could lose the weight lose the weight obviously, but look there's nothing wrong the other the reality is

Life is not hard for a fat guy in America. Most people are the funny thing is your right, Bob But in 210 in America he's like he's 160 in France. Yeah, you know what I mean? He's like the devil. You're fucking You're a type of shit. You're a circus. Oh 100% So I would I would try and come back if I if you have that ability come back come go back dude Why you can you're not meant to be here dude? 20 more pounds dude you ain't gonna be able to click your little heels and come home. That's a good point. Yeah 60s actually you're right at the precipice. You're right there. You're right at the precipice my friend. You're right dude. Please come home. Go back. Go back.

You're not meant to be here. You're not meant to be here. Go home. Yeah, trust from the cowardly lion and the skidman and the tin man over there. I'm just saying, tin personality. He's just got to press the buttons, Bob. No worry, but- He's the ability to small talk like a fucking phone booth door. I'm kidding, you're a great guy. I can't talk to the guest. I don't allow the Albanian to make direct eye contact

with the guest. I apologize, you can't. This was a train. Yeah, I think, dude, you're right there. Go home. Just go home. You're not meant to be home. Yeah, go home, dude.

Whatever you got to do, what have you got to talk to? You run a girl runs away and blows Charles Manson. She's like, should I stay? And I'm the one, I'm his main bitch. I'm like, you're not cut out for this. No, well, like the old gang members, yes, hey, go home. It's here only for you, man.

Dude, you don't want to live this life. Yeah, yeah. You don't like the life. Don't put the tattoo on him, man. He's a little kid. So, she's a mom. Yeah.

Oh, come on, oh, come to mama. You don't go on a text. You take you go on a text. You want to fuck around. You put in a whole pizza, have ramen, bread, and then cookies. You take you got that in you.

You take you go walk around and sit in a plane seat and use the accelerator. e aí, coqueis você tem que ir, você tem que ir, você tem que ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você ir, você And don't give up to anyone Even the ones you know what I you don't got it in you don't got it is saying no Go on brother you have a fight one of your friends for the last He doesn't have it in him nope here. Here's with another one, Elders. Hit us. Get us a nice juicy one. Okay, we got everyone. Oh, good. All right, hi, Savi.

I'm from the Midwest. And I have had a husband for 15 years. I'm 43 years old. Okay. And recently I had a husband for 15 years. I'm 43 years old. Okay. And recently, I had a boyfriend. So high school, they're trucking me. Actually, trucking me. And I never respond with anything sexual back to him. I kind of just laugh it off.

Okay. But he recently told me that he has cancer. He said cancer in the past. Oh, and what the f**k? No, he's like cancer in the past. Oh, and what the fuck? No, he's been sick in the hospital. We're still in this place. Now it's cancer's back. And he only has a few months left.

He has worked a couple of times. No, he's lying. And he wants to sleep with me. Yeah. Now I am married. So that's a big part. Obviously that wouldn't be a great idea, but on the other hand hand he's also dying

Yeah, I'm just not tell my husband. What do you do? That's a question in my hair for you today. Well, wait. I'm sorry. Is your pussy John Cena? It's not make a wish. You're fucking married there. You're pussy St. John Yeah, what is it? St. pussy St. John? Yeah. Was that... What was it? St. Jude. St. Jude, yes. Listen to me. This is awesome that you're thinking about it.

I hope it's your husband. Yeah, I hope it's your husband. And it's grand. Try not to pay 50% on the divorce. He's supposed to be cuckled. Oh, interesting. You do not listen to me. I just got scammed on Instagram.

The lady said she was going to send me this knife that I wanted. And it was really a dude. And I gave him $400 bucks on PayPal on the friends and family. So you can't even ask for it back because it's friends and family. The friends they knew what they were doing. Finally said, hey dude, you got me a good scant,

Mary Christie's doing all right, cool. He was like respect. Respect, thank you. Respect, thank you, Christmas shout out. Bowing after a karate match. Yes, you are. This is awesome. He's so clearly lying. I mean, clearly lying, but how,

I mean, the fact that she's thinking about it, there's two things. She wants the marriages on the rocks. Well, this is the nicest human being to walk, planet Earth, that's willing to fucking put her marriage on the line to help a dying cancer patient from high school. Sure, sure.

Well, that is true. It's like, if your wife had the cheat on you with anyone, if it's a guy that's dead next week, I'm listening. You know what I mean? He's not coming back. I'm not letting you fucking know. You why what I mean? He's not coming back. I'm not letting you fucking know. Why? Don? I don't give a fuck. Yeah, if he has age, you can cheat. He's got

full-blown fucking age. The least is on a sack. Go ahead, honey. You're all the dice too, bitch. Yeah. You know what I mean? You're all the dice too. That's a tough dice roll. I think it's more than a dice roll. I'm just saying, I'm not saying except that I'm just saying One way of thinking is if you had to get cheated on the guy dying Here's the thing he's dying anyway her husband should get to shoot him with a gun He's about to die. That's cool. That's kind of cool. Yeah, you know when you get in cucked You and you get to feel what it feels to kill someone That must feel pretty cool. shoot him right in the fucking head

But you know what happened I would feel cool Yeah, two dead birds Yeah, that's right. You don't have to go through chemo, you know I've never video of your wife fucking some guy that would be to beat off to yeah You know, so the video of your wife fucking some guy would be to beat off to yeah So both the video of you killing them and the way if I you yourself both of them Buy a fucking beach house buy a beach house. You're good to go. I'm more people to fucking kill Now this let's dive into her a little bit because I you're saying either the marriage on the rocks or She's nice. Yeah, she this also, if you are a person

who doesn't want a cheat, but you're like, well, I'm being a good guy. You know what I mean? It's kind of like the fat guy eating the last slice because no one's gonna have it. It's like, well, it's gonna go to waste. This guy's gonna die without a pussy. That would be rude.

And of course, I'm gonna die And I shouldn't have the slice but there's fucking kids starving in Africa. I'm gonna throw it away It's a little bit of that words like she has she has a get out of jail free in her own way Even if she's the kind of person who wouldn't cheat. It's like well, this is I'm Yeah, but she's listen this guy Here's the problem. He's from high school, old boyfriend, start recently started sexting me, right? That didn't work.

So what did he go to next? I'm dying of cancer. Yeah, you're dumb as shitly. This guy is not, you gotta see a fucking, you gotta see a hospital. I want to get some money out of her. We should never, we never see we can corner us. You need to see a fucking, you gotta see a, I want to from the hospital. I want to get some money out of her. Yeah, I want to see if we can corner her out of the trash. You need to buy a knife.

Yeah, I got, I got, I got lymphoma. I need, I wouldn't need it. I'm dying, right? Yeah, I'm dying, right? Yeah. Right? You feel all right? You feel it, yeah.

I'm dying. Oh, Bob, my doctor just called. He said, unless some bitch in her 40 sucks my dick, I'm not going to make it through the night Bob. My doctor just called me. When he said illicit, I watch you. You dick sucks because you're dying. I'm going to die.

I'm going to die. You're my dick so proud of you. Oh, I'm going to die too. Oh, my son. Oh, surely someone can help us. Maybe the most gullible bitch of all time can help us. Please, are you anything in your heart? We want to continue in the same room.

We'll be sitting in those chairs that ladies get pedicures in next to each other. I thought it was going to get blown in those. That would be awesome. Oh, why don't they should do that? They should do that. They do do that Get the fish eating your yeah, yeah, yeah for now. Good price. Yeah, you feed you feed in by the fish Yeah, you dig sucks Like your like it's thriller Yeah, lady you come on this guy is that and look I would have to see paperwork from the hospital call Unless this doctor calls you on FaceTime. Yeah, so it's not his friend. He's in a hospital. Yeah, his doctors were in a cub shirt Go second husband's dick. Yeah, it's over if you want you know your husband can pretend you can roleplay your husband has cancer Yeah, who shave his head say you just got back from chemo if that's what it's gonna take

How long would be doing else? I don don't wanna keep Bobby here all night. We're at our 35. Oh, love it. Why don't we do one more, Bobby? You got time for one more? Let's do it. That was a great call. Thank you for calling me.

Yeah, that was great. She was great. God, the amic could for you. Yeah. That was a good one. That was fun. And that chubby bass before was fun, but that naive fucking two- two sweet was fucking great.

She's probably cool to fuck with that kind of imagination. Yeah. Is that accepting of everything? Yeah, it's great. Yeah. You guys just like, I have cancer. Yeah. Could you fuck me?

Hey. Hey. Hey, send me pictures of your tits. No, I'm married. I'm dying. Oh, you're dying. I'll ask my husband for me. I would love that conversation. He's like, oh, he has cancer. Just ask me to get the force. You fucking bitch. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Yeah, I like the turkey's good Oh good, you're good. Hey, can I talk to you about something sure? Promise you won't get mad. Okay. What are we talking about? Okay, I

Know went to different high schools. I went to I went to the Brooks. Yeah, and and you went to Lincoln I should Lincoln of course one of my ex-boyfriends hit me up on FaceTime. Okay. And it started out a little hairy. I got in, man, I'm being honest. Okay. And then, you know, I was like, well, no, I'm married. You know, he's wanted. But then he's told me he's dying of cancer

and he wants me to suck his ass hole. Is that so? Will you be all right with that? Oh. Another boyfriend from high school with, what is this, the eighth one? It's we are. Fine. because they have a hole. Is that so? Will you be all right with that? Another boyfriend from high school with, what is this, the eighth one? It's weird. Fine.

No. Three more in that's Max. OK. I was thinking of running a marathon next year for these guys. And at the end, I was just sucking them all off. And it's so fun. What if I'm going to have their gizzes the protein the night before? That makes sense to me honey

Love you to you're so great, but these guys really gotta start taking better care of themselves Where these guys do these guys vaping be funny if she went don Kelly ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I think there's an ab cancer. All right, take us home, Eldis. Hey, stop. So Basically I smoked a bunch of crank with my friend and then we stole a band from a funeral home. No, come on. And there I mean, there were no bodies in and or anything but like okay no dead bodies then I got locked up on unrelated charges and while I was in jail I wrote a letter to my other friend I told her basically everything that happened but the jail took that and now it's using it as evidence in my case

his tone this is really my question is should i snitch on my friend so that i get a deal no this is fake out of the side of the guy's but i'm also on my third strike this is a fucking lying fucking loser. With little circular glasses. Yeah, and he didn't, he read it.

Yeah, he brought this to you. Yeah. Well, you know, do I rat them out? Yeah. He watched like too many movies, you know what I mean? No, that's rounders. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, my friends.

That was horrible. Yeah, sorry buddy, fuck you. And you know what, that's on L, just for letting that one slip through. Sorry. It didn't sound like he was reading. I was skeptical too, but we've had ones where they're like clearly reading something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But fair enough.

Fuck this guy. Yeah, fuck him, but listen, rat your friends out, get out of it. Trust me, rat them out, they don't care about you. This is real, rat them out, rat them mothers out, rat their kids out, get the fuck out of that jam, and fuck them. That's right.

Let them go to jail, you stay out, you don't got what it takes. You don't get in jail. So yeah, absolutely. 100% takes. So if it is real rat them out because you're gonna be he's like I'm on my third strike he's get the fuck out of this guy has done any crimes right next one else come on get let us end with a good one please oh yeah that would be nice I would love that it's like this might be the fastest update ever i'd love it

that bet you just fucked i'd die in the fat rascal that called in about the sperm count pauser let's let's get all that wow this just came out we just an episode just came out this guy uh... he his girlfriend was potentially couldn't have a kid.

And he was like, should I leave her? Should I get my sperm tested and leave her? Because I want to have a child. And we kind of went in on him because he's like, you know, it's pretty selfish to say that. You could always adopt whatever, whatever. Anyway, he said should I get my sperm count tested and to potentially use it against her.

Yeah, he's against her in the future. If he has good sperm. He's a spursify. Her pussy was all fucked up. How exactly? So let's get to the... I got my sperm when I was having... We couldn't have a baby.

Yeah. I'm in vitro, I'm an vitro kid. The first one miscarried. And then we couldn't have one and I wanted to get my sperm checked. How are we looking? Well, we went down. It's like in New York, these things are zoned.

So it was like brown stones on the east side. And I went into this place and I was like, I'm here to get my sperm checked. And then it was like, you're in the wrong place. I looked around, it was a pediatric. It was all kids. I was like, you're like the wrong place. I looked around, it was a pediatric, all kids. You're like, I got my juice in the bag. Give me that big bird cup, I'll pour it in.

So she goes, go next door. So I went next door to the browser next door and I walked in as old chubby black lady. Oh yeah. miserable. And I go, I'm here to get my sperm. She goes, okay, bring me upstairs. I go up here, bring this room she goes okay bring me up stairs I got here bring this room one and two someone's into how you going to one she goes all right he

has your magazines here's your DVDs here's a chair here's a napkin and here's your time yeah when you're done you know come down give it to me so I'm sitting there and I'm looking over and I don't do magazines. I have to see a video and I look the only video is fat black mamas. And I'm like, so I go downstairs. There's the only one. So I guess the guy in two came in and shared out the goods. So I went downstairs and I'm like, hey, you asked for a different one? Do you have anything else? I'm not under this. If she looks down at the title, it's Fat Black Mamas, which is her.

That's your way. I don't want, I like, I just, I just went back upstairs. You put that dick in my pussy, big boy. Get that dick in my eyes, it's like, oh boy. But you got the job done, huh? I got it done. I didn't sit down though.

I can't believe it was a chair. We sit down, who's sitting down? There's no way you clean that chair. That's true, the beat-off chair. So this is, I've been here. But what was your king? We had, oh it was fine. Fine, got you.

Yeah, it was just, a miscarriage is very normal. Just happened to you. Yeah, it cleans out the box, you know? Yeah, it's like, it just cleans the box up. Your kids goes up, rattles an egg, it goes, bitch, fucking shit out of my kids. It's like blowing the cartridge on it. Oh, you don't want that kid. Whatever that kid was, you don't want that how I was going to be a problem yeah man don't you I wouldn't be here right now you know I'm fucking holding him because he probably hit himself

topic putting him to bed and putting the Velcro around his wrists sure you go to bed yeah exactly all, exactly. Alright, hit us with the update here, Eldis. Listen, stop. This is the fat rascal that called in about the sperm count and being a piece of shit and all that. Yes. I hope I gave you the funny version of the story. Yes, you did.

And I realized later, after listening to the podcast, that I sounded like a piece of shit correct. I Do love this girl Love in my life. I want to send the rest of my life with their great. I was trying to use humor the way to cope with a different Titles for probably 150 million 150 million I'm a fat rascal. So I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with that information. I thought it would just make me feel better and a little selfish, but I am going to stick it out.

Good for you. I think that my nut sack has the power to make a baby. We're going to do the potential problems that my thing I think has. But I thought I'd update you. Thank you for the advice. I appreciate you. Alright, that's very nice. We appreciate you too, buddy.

Yes, stick it out. If it's a love of your life, you'll figure it out. I told the story on the last episode, but my parents couldn't have kids. And my dad, we have a complicated relationship now, but his credit, my mom said, hey, I can't have kids. I have the problem if you want to get divorced. We can do it. And he stuck it out. They did in vitro. They didn't have the money. They had us. I wouldn't be here if

What's in vitro they did they put you dad's gizz and some other test tube baby test tube baby Yeah, classic so how did and you grow and they fertilize the egg and then they put it in your mom after it's fertilized So they for they do all the work inside of a test tube and then stick it back up. And they put you in there with like eight embryos. So the one that makes it. That's me, baby. Well, you didn't make it, everybody. The one that dribbled out.

The one that's struggling now. No, that's great. You made it. I made it. It's pretty wild. No, that's great. You made it. I made it. It's pretty wild, right? It's crazy. So many ways that it, and then my brothers, same thing, they were eight embryos or whatever. They were supposed to be triplets and at the very end, they choked one of those motherfuckers

out and they came out twins. They ate his ass. They sparked him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Through his body off the earth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Through his body off the ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, your mom shit him out. They absorbed all his nutrients to make them,

to make, that's what happens. Okay, they eat, they eat the fucking other kid. Your brother has a tooth in his stomach and then eyeball is back. That poor fucking loser that couldn't fight him off. Yeah, yeah, he's dead. So good for you, buddy. Stick it out.

We're rooting for you. That's a beautiful story. Thank you for the update have a baby. That's good to you love your chick You fat rascal. You'll have yeah, you'll have a baby one way or another pal. We believe in you Bobby, thank you so much for doing the show man. I love you. I love you I appreciate you coming out here doing the pod so funny Go get the special right now kill box Louis. Louisck.com. Louisck.com. My podcast, you know what, dude? You know what, dude. And there you go on an Robert Kelly live on social media.

So funny. Go see Bobby live. Truly one of the best comics working today. You will laugh harder than you will at any other show. I love you, buddy. Thanks for coming. I love you too, man. Guys, we'll see you. We'll see you next time. Subscribe to the Patreon.

If you want an extra bonus episode, we do this free one a week and we do a bonus one. And yeah, we got some good guests coming up soon. So, bye. See you next time. I have a big family and they're spread around multiple countries. So a few years ago, it was my brother's wedding and most of them decided to come. Great news, but a big problem. Where do you put eight people all with different requirements and keep them all together? We looked at some hotels but then it was obvious get an Airbnb. My mom and I were able to find the perfect place. It was a big house with multiple rooms and in a part of the city with woods and walking trails all around. The Airbnb also included a huge kitchen where we all got together the day after the wedding for a big family meal.

This is a cherished memory for my family and me. And whenever I drive by that location, it always makes me smile. Not long ago, my mum and I stopped by that area to walk around and remember one of the most special times for my family, whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification, get an Airbnb. around and remember one of the most special times for my family. Whether you're traveling with friends or with family for a big wedding or justification get an Airbnb.