Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 138

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

Chapter 138, Ye Long Way, Wrong Way Round. It's 17.25 on 19th April 2023 and The Stone Ftafi play a move that turns the whole stone clearing world back to front and upside down and sends Richard dizzy and thinking life may be about to end. Richard is a maverick and breaks a lot of rules this evening and lets slip about his fecret cairn that can be seen from metres away. It's the difficult ftone clearing feafon of fpring so there is some invaluable advice on how to tell stones from plants. Don't miss it.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello my finest friends. It's 1725 on the 19th of April, 2023. And welcome to chapter 138. What am I thinking? I'm going to get across the road with that dying, oh my god! We did it! Just... It's the first stone clearing of the year without the north face,

stepping on north face. It's the exact north face of the National Front. There's some dogs coming wherever, there's some in the streets. It's going to be wary. So we're putting the beer away. That duckets passage away from the stone stars. You mainly occupy the streets now. I don't know what their new tactic is.

But I don't like it. The bird feather hangs in a bush as they pass. What are you doing? Come on. Or if he's distracted by something, somewhere. But now she's careering back towards the station. And it's a beautiful afternoon, early evening. The sky is blue. There's a pretty blue sky.

There's some sort of thin cloud. It just looks sort of a lighter blue. The sun is shining. I'm just in a shirt and it's chilly, but pleasantly so. Like when someone nails a nail through your foreskin onto a plank of wood. I mean, that's not chilly, but it's a pleasant experience. Oh, it's actually dogs all over the fucking shop. I was going to let Wolfie off the lead.

That's not going to happen now. I'm going to have to quickly pick up a couple of pebbles. Get on there. And we're going to have to go the wrong way around. I think we're doing the reverse. Don't pass the ditch that stopped Brexit first. And that, my friends, is quite the play by the stone snazzy. A couple of gentlemen who live together.

I understand sharing, living together to save accommodation costs. That's we all do in our relationships. Our sexual relationships grow up. What's wrong with you? I think it's them. Right, ditches stop Brexit. Let's see if it works in reverse. It might, if you do it the wrong way around,

it might be like when Superman went the wrong way around the world. And time went backwards for a time. Oh, we should want a coat. Can you say what I like about North Face is politics, but they do a bloody good job of keeping you warm. I do recommend their coats. The clothing and fashion is always good, of course. Luckily, no one listens to this podcast or I might be sued.

Or I'll get a deal with North Face. Who knows? Just clear a few more stones here. There are little ones that are going to the edge, helping to make the wall that will one day line this particular part of the field. And of course, all the way around, eventually. I suppose it's going particularly well. Oh, I've just seen a stone calling to me.

And remember, they do call to you. Well, I feel so weird going backwards. When they do call, do listen. Everything happens for a reason. And there's that big hole. Well, no, the stone's gone down the big hole. I did it on purpose. The Badger or Fox or Wolf or whatever lives in that hole

will get the benefit of a delicious stone for their tea tonight. I mean, I think I might have time to go the long way the wrong, the long, wrong way around. I look like Charlie Borman. I love motorcycling. And Wolfie is very much the Ewan McGregor of this relationship. I'm her bitch. I've got one testicle.

We're going the long, wrong way around today, kids. Let's see if you can work out what's happening when it's backwards. Why did we go that way? Why did we go clockwise around the field rather than anticlockwise? It's a good question. It's as old as time itself, weirdly. I'm not talking about a clock face. And why isn't it called a cock face?

Well, it's a good sort of clock. And there's a dog this way as well. We've chosen the sun's come out and the stone stars have gone absolutely insane. We're going to add a few. There's no way around. It isn't covered in dogs. There's a tiny stone I've ever put on that big, the main ken. We're going to have to go the long, long, the long, long, wrong, wrong, long way around.

This dog is just sitting there looking at us. Apparently no owner. Definitely no leads. Right by the stone pole, which I was going to treat you to a little diddle on the phone on the stone pole. Oh, here comes someone. They've appeared. And the dog is coming for us. Finally, they're putting the dog on the lead.

And this is straight up confrontation. I can't tell if that's a man or a woman. I think it's a woman. We'll step a little out of the way. Almost heavy. Good girl. Hi there. Right.

Oh, come on. Good girl. Thank you. It was the sun was shining in my face. It was clearly a middle-aged lady. Probably a little younger than myself. And I hate to admit it. So, yeah, so it's a stone clear a day going very well.

April the 19th. Tomorrow, of course, hit this birthday and the blue ticks that aren't blue being taken away. Where's the stone? I was going to take it away. It's been a while since I've done stone pole. I haven't got any ammo at the moment because that lady got my way. Let me see if I can just find some ammo. Unition.

Is it a coincidence that it was birthday in the day they took away the blue checks? I've got to go. I'm just going to have to forget about the stone pole, guys. Another great big hole under that tree. There's so many stone stars out here. I'm absolutely bamboozled because I don't recognise many of them. That lady I thought was a man. I mean, you can't assume gender now.

Anyway, that person. So I thought, oh, God, I don't know what you have to say anymore. So they've got all these new stone stars out here. Maybe it's them. They're all slightly younger so far. I'm looking for some stones. The crop covers the ground very efficiently. And this is where it's one of the problem times, the spring.

Vegetation seems to like the spring. It seems to spring up. There's a bugging family over there in puffer jackets. Oh, a family nice stone. That's bordering on the medium, but not quite there. It's only a yellow jacket of all things. Now I've seen it all. I'm crossing across to the can in the middle of the field,

which regular listeners, which you must all be, will know is a rare can that doesn't have to be around the edge of the field for some reason. There are no rules to stone clearing. That's the first rule. Second rule, all stones must be cleared to the edge of the field that they were found in. Addendum. Unless you feel like putting one in the top in the middle, a bit in the middle, not really exactly in the middle,

but they just felt like this is a good place to put one. I have to admit the rulebook that there isn't, doesn't exist. It does not like this. But I'm a maverick. I do what I want and I want what I do. And I poo in the loo most of the time. That's, of course, very short. So here we are, can in the middle of the field.

And actually, a big scattering of stones all around it. I don't know where they've come from. They haven't slipped down. They're too far away to have slipped down, but just have become exposed, I guess. It's been a while since I've been out here. We've done the short route most of the time. Well, I think I can let you off the lead now, because I'm a bit of a good girl.

We seem to have shaken off the opposition, which is better than pulling off the opposition, isn't it, Wolves? Shake them off. Yeah, they're like a hundred of them. One, two, three, four, five. Nearly a hundred people all together. One in a yellow jacket, one in a red top. Can't see much, can't make out.

They've got three or four dogs there. There's an easy jet flying over in the distance. Everything's happening here today. My head, I have to say. This is a fever dream. This is where I go down. Then, you know, I'll be disappointed that I haven't even got all the way around this field.

I am incredibly unfit. I don't know how it's happened. I mean, I had two months off with this illness. Part of weight. I just can't do anything. Look at me. Listen to my breath. 66 years old, I am under 55. Oh, that's not so bad.

Why don't you say 66, 55 cents, all right? I mean, I'm nearly 56. I've just been trying to book the new series of Rehabilites, Rehabilites is about stones. Just as a side piece. The last one of that series, I will be 56. Which is, you know, it's an upsetting thing to think. The years fly by.

The stones also fly by. Someone throws them by you. I managed to find a few stones here. One from the path that's like a big taphole. Oh, and I've got them a little bit. Dizzy wolves. What's that about? Oh, cool.

The wind is rippling. It's actually really beautiful. I miss these evening stones. I don't do them enough. Obviously, I'm so clean most of the day. But when the sun's out, when the summer hits, and the crops are aplenty, and the leaves are,

grass just blowing like it's alive, like it's a stream, stream of grass. We're going the long, wrong way round. Not the long, long, wrong way round, though. Just the long, wrong way round. And Dizzy, my head is spinning. Come on, Wolfie. Wolfie, not your food.

It doesn't always turn in the evening. I don't know how it is in the evening. But I don't know. But I poo all the time. I mean, not literally 24-7. And I can look over. I've got a secret field. Money, mostly you don't know about.

I can see it's evenly. I'd say it's a good half mile away the can. I'm looking at that. But I've got a secret can that I can see from here that puts every can on this field to shame. There are no rules to stone clearing. The second rule is you must finish the field before you start another field.

That is a rule. But I've told you I'm a maverick. I don't know how to play the rules. I play the rule if it's organic, then I need to panic if it's not chuck the twat. I've never panicked when I found something organic. Yeah, the ground part. Just a little bit of moisture in some places

where you can just pry it out the stone there off the sphere. And I'm putting that by the base of a tree that we haven't really got much action. I think I tend to put the stones on the divide between the two fields. That's where we are now. But coming the other way around,

it doesn't go, oh, you don't notice that. So much when you want to put the stones in a slightly different place. And maybe there's a lesson there. Don't just get stuck going one way around your field. Don't get stuck in a rut. Don't start. You've got to mix things up.

So I have to say, going counterclockwise has made me dizzy. Come on, wolves. Come here. Wolfie, what have you got there? Come on. Nearly caught my stone stars in there, coming up the side path. They heard me talking to myself.

I assumed I was mentally ill. And I've gone on their way. Wolfie, give me that. Drop that. Good. She's taken one of the stones off the field, but I've thrown it in its bounce back on the tree. And now she's got that.

She's got it again. She's not picking up the stones. She's running off with it. She's going to put it on the field. If I know that dog. Excuse me, wolves. Now they've appeared at the top of the fence. Say, Wolfie, come here.

Come here. Wolfie, come here. Come here. Drop that, wolves. Give it to me. All right. Leave this off the field this time. We're here to clear stones, not put stones back on.

If I've thrown it into the holly, and even Wolfie isn't foolish enough for going after that. She's becoming a problem in the stone clearing job. Had to pick her up earlier to try and weigh her. Maybe that's why I'm dizzy. She weighs 35 kilograms, and I weigh more than I should.

I'm dispiriting to find out how much I weigh. Having done so well in the last two years. There's the yo-yo. The yo-yo that is Richard Harry. One day, my yo-yo will not yo back. It will just yo, and then I'll go. The good news is that it won't be imminently from testicular cancer.

I've just been in to be scanned, and maybe put a load of glue on over my testicle. And then I went into the scanning room. And I ascertain that there's nothing sinister inside my remaining acorn. So that's something that, obviously, you've not been super fit this year,

which I don't like. I like to be out here, feeling full of life, full of being brave to go. And I think tomorrow, maybe start with a little jog. A little jog around the countryside. Pickin' up stones to go, of course. And three stones there as I was talking,

fired into the... fired like a catapult into the... into the hetero. Where again, one day, you'll walk down here, you'll see a huge wall. Stones marvellously wrapped in that civilisation built this. Some will say there was no civilisation.

There was one man, no one knows his name. He did it in secret. You'll say there's no way one man did all that. But you'll be wrong. I thought of a way of... Should I go all the wrong way? I'm going the wrong way around. Should I go all the way the wrong way around?

Or should I go back over there? I think we've cut across the fields. It's a tough choice. Maybe I should go all the way the wrong... I'm going to be truly Charlie Borman. Do you remember you can hear me talking to Charlie Borman in the podcast, Can I have my ball back?

There's a baby on the helipad feed. Another episode coming out on Friday. Maybe there. It is a bit windy. As you can probably hear. It's a little bit windy. I'll take a photo of my ken. You can see it.

It's a little secret. I'll tell you where it is. I'm going to take a photo of it. I'm going to sit in the distance there. Should I zoom in? I'll take one zoom in. I can't find the next zoom in. What's that?

One field, that's why. I'm going to zoom in. I've got my zoom in as far as I can go. Whoops. We'll see how that ends up. It's not been a very good episode. We haven't tried to be taught anything. We've taught the value of going backwards.

Maybe one way. That would be the way to go. Let's walk backwards. It's another strain I'm going to take. It's very hard to see anything. This is a roundabout where the Roman pillar is. I can't see any of it. It's really cold now.

I thought I'd wear a face jacket. It's nice to have a slightly longer episode though. We're rushing through these a little bit. It's good to have more times. The more time goes on, the more you learn. The more time I have to really hit straflate about the great arcs of stone terrain. I'm feeling like it'll be warmer over the other side of the field.

But that doesn't make any sense. Right into the wind at the moment. As you can hear, I would assume it's really irritating with those audio files. Oh, to step into the wind, it felt like a stone. It was. And that's sometimes the way a stone will let you know it's there. It'll sort of prostrate itself.

Prostrate itself, yeah. And prostrate itself. And throw itself under your boot. A little bit unshod foot. That's the true stone clearers of old wood. Coming down to the can opposite the main can, but obviously usually we've come to that before the main can. Confusing, isn't it?

But a lot of you, your head is spinning as much as mine is right now. What's going on? How can you go this way round? Picking up a couple from the right-hand side of the path and coming down usually to the left-hand side. From the other way, it's the right-hand side, which is debatable whether this even needs to be cleared,

so I'm going to say that's off the field. I'm going to say no, not far enough. I'm going to put it on the can opposite the main can. Then it's back home. Then it's a good morning on here, regardless of where I've been. People have come past me. I've got quite civilisation, but that's what I said.

I said this already was. It's so hard to tell. Okay, an opposite the main can. I was going to take to a stock tech, wasn't I? Take photos of everything, but I haven't done that, so I will have to come back on it. It's not a good time because everything's covered in fucking green stuff. I like the brown, the grey, the black.

Sometimes blue, occasionally red, never green. I mean the puff minerals. I haven't found any of that here. The good thing about grass and plants being green is you don't generally mistake a blend of grass for a lot of wood and stones sticking up. Because if you did, this would be absolute hell. Absolutely hell.

The other feels way better. Looks like it's just made of stone, the other one. Ah, wish I'd started on that one. That's just my hobby. It's just a hobby to clear the stones off that field. This is always going to be my main job. Until I've finished here, and then I'll move on to the next door to this one,

and then sometime later I'll move on to the field that I'm already doing. Secretly, it's a secret. Oh, we're in a bit of a dip now, and the wind is slightly abated. Still a bit dizzy. I don't like this. How it should be, is it?

There's the old man clearing stones. This could be played at my court. At my, what do you call it? I want to say a bit true, but that's not what it's called, is it? In courts. Anyway, when they do the autopsy, it's not called that either. When they do the court case to ascertain what happened to me, they'll have to play this conversation,

and I'll be talking about this, and it'll make me look like my wife, and we'll be there crying, and she listens to this bit. The first time she ever listened, just not because of the content, just the first time she ever listened to the stone clearing. I found out what it was. Can't believe she married that guy.

I hope I can make it home, at least. But if not, I leave my stone field to my kids when they're 16. No rules to stone clearing. First rule, second rule. No one under 16 made clear stones upon pain of death. So many young people have died.

So many 15-year-olds. One day from there, on my birthday, they have died, because of not being that rule. There isn't much capital punishment in the stone clearing world, but that's a weird place. It was a weird hill to literally die on. The stone clearing community.

Oh, I'm trying to prize this. I think, of course, got my trowel with me. Just prizing out with a finger. There, you could hear the strain. Nice stone, small lodge. Remember when there was a fire on this bit? It was near the beginning of the podcast, rather than the end. We'll still come back to the alphanomic again,

but there's no way of avoiding that. I've had a good life. I've cleared some stones. My only one regret is I didn't clear more stones when I was younger. I was too busy sleeping with people and drinking. I could have been out here all tight. You know, sober. If I die now, I won't have a drink for 27 months.

What a waste. I mean, what a good thing. A couple of caramel card stones. Very much not green. I'll tell you if you see a green one. Sometimes you see them around. Graves. Graves don't get as good a green stone than what they are.

I've never seen them in nature. The long, wrong way round. The wrong field, the wrong manhole. There's someone coming. Looks like Chris Evans. Not that one. I'll move across a bit. Hi there, all right. Stay here, good girl.

I've never seen her before. Have I entered a parallel dimension where everything is backwards? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe I did turn back time. If I get back to my house and find other people who are living in it, it's going to be way confusing. Nice set.

Only small ones there and a little bit of tile or something. I like to take the tile off the man-made artifacts. A bit of metal. Again, just a hobby on the side for the stone thing. Just to keep it. And not that it's not interesting, but just to keep it special for me. Interesting for me.

If as if stones weren't interesting enough. Oh, there's a green stone on that piece of grass. It's a long piece of grass. So, nearly back to the Alfa-Romba can. I'm walking across a spree of stones here. They do grow up. This is a well-cleared patch, but however much you clear new stones appear.

Might make that into a t-shirt. However much you clear new stones appear, boss. Of course, it's not my field. I'm just looking after it until the next stone clearer comes along. Hand the baton. It's a stony baton over. What are you going over there?

No, come on. We've had plenty of opportunity, Wolfie Harris. Wolfie, looking now just eating grass. Why not? Oh, hold on. It's a wee. It's out from the body shape now. If they do, who better again? They could do a who bet.

And for me, I can always tell whether my dog's doing a wee or a poo. They can show me pictures. I'll tell them what it is. Impressive, really. This Matthew Kelly's up for doing it. I've got four stones. And these are all about the same size as I cleared today.

Or smaller. They're in slim pickings. But... Grimlickings. It's always quite grim to lick. Whatever they're building in that garden is coming along very nicely. Looks like an armish barn of some kind.

Right, well, back to civilization. So if I do collapse, the medical authorities should be able to get to me in time. They're heading down Duckett's passage time traditionally to look at your emails. Had some good emails come in.

It's passing the compost heap. I'm not named after that compost heap guy who was the emailer in the other week. I took a big load of ivy off my... It's like a big plant. Had to drag it here to throw on this. Compost heap is nice to contribute to something

from the neighborhood. Anyway, let's have a look at the... It's armish blackbird. Nice name. It's a hyphenated blackbird, but I think a mum was saying they're black and father bird or the other way around.

Armish, you know what I'm saying? They are emailing to say now that spring is coming and the plants on most fields will be dominated. Is there any way that we can work around that and destroy the crops?

Armish. That's not a very armish thing to say. Sorry, you must get that all the time. And no, although we do not respect nature we do not respect organic material and we realize that

it exists only to die we still have to respect it. Even though we don't respect it. And also, the farm finds out you've assaulted all the crops probably won't let you work and fill them

and you won't be able to clean the stones. It would be a good way, Armish. If you could do it really fast and then clear the stones with some kind of machinery that would still fit the farmer would be a knight. Like a giant sieve. Someone was asking on the females

window Volkswagen was asking at what points do you take a sieve onto the field on those big stones if you've got a household and that would be crazy. Not until rightly the end

since it would be presumptuous to take one out now when you're still clearing stones that wouldn't even fit in the sieve it would be so big cleaning the garden bin I've got a garden bin

it was too big to fit in so that's why I'm telling you on there we are safely back inside kitchen looking dark with a binny

passing an old broken suitcase that I thought wouldn't fit in the bin I want to do it hopefully someone will come and steal it but you know it's inside so I'm like back door locked and we're in

we've got to go just in case just in case anyone from the herring families is staying alright thanks for listening everyone thanks for listening to this amazing podcast don't tell the friends about Elks we'll see you next time on stone clearing

with Richard Herring and Wolfie the Duck goodbye stone clearing with Richard Herring started me Richard Herring and Wolfie the Duck also quite a lot of stone stars

they weren't there in one way or another they look like Chris Evans and Richard Herring and Richard Herring and Wolfie the Duck also quite a lot of stone stars they weren't there in one way or another

they look like Chris Evans not that one the music is by Mike Coffgrave the voice of the Photones is Michael Fahina listen to your underhand listen to the phone

listen to the phone and they in turn will listen to you my friend my fine friend

you