Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 139

Episode Date: April 29, 2023

Chapter 139, Goffamer. It's 8:15am on 29th April and another day of stone clearing begins. Richard tries to encourage his many teenage fans to enjoy their lives whilst they are young and tries to sort out whether you need to clear teeth from the stocean, plus experiences one of the many dangers of nature that can afflict the inattentive stone clearer. He cheats in the game of human cheff and is nearly discovered at the last minute, but otherwise it's a run of the mill, slightly sexy, stone clear.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello my finest friends, 8.15 on the tour. Is it the 29th of April 2023? Welcome to chapter 139. Jeva, suddenly step back from I think, what am I doing? Why have I wasted all this time doing something ridiculous? Look at the volume of ridiculous stuff I've done, because not me. And luckily I do have done 139 chapters of stone clearing, which we'll live on through the ages. So I'm assured, even if my wall is knocked down, these podcasts are solid, there's a mountain. And we'll always be here, because mountains never disappear, and knowledge is permanent.

And stone clearing will always be of interest to any sentient being, a non-sentient being, and the universe itself. And when the universe implodes in on itself and is destroyed, these podcasts will be the last thing beaming out into nothingness forever. That's my wish and hope and belief. You might believe in God, I do, I believe in stone gods, you might believe in democracy. That's what I believe in, you can't criticise anyone's belief or say it's wrong. Because it's what they believe, and so therefore you have to respect it. Right, just looking for stone for the alphanomic account. Oh, there's a big one there, I mean relatively.

That's roughly on the alphanomic account. It's a bloody sunny day, my friends. I'm not even wearing my North Face jacket. North Face, sponsored by GB News. So North Face are being sponsored by GB News. And then I'm sponsoring them and GB News. Stone clearing carries on whatever's going on in your personal life of course. Oh, there's a web there, it's a lovely bit of Gossamer web. Love Gossamer.

Gossamer just makes me think of condoms though, does it you? Do you have a certain age? Jurex Gossamer. Tell you what, I wouldn't want a fucking Gossamer web thread condom. I can tell you that would be useless. What was I saying? Oh yes, whatever happens in your life you have to carry on stone clearing. Yesterday, I was eating a Curly Whirly.

Because I'm 55. And I've given up chocolate but I kind of thought that's alright, it's mainly toffee. That's the kind of lie I tell myself as I fail to lose weight at the moment. And pulled off the crown of my tooth. Great gaping fucking hole in there. I'm not sure if it's just the crown or whether something else has come away as well to be honest. Because I can't see how just that little crown can cover up the gaping hole in my tooth. So I've got the ever-present danger of just suddenly falling through the ground in agony.

But I will carry on stone clearing. I'll carry on telling you about it if that happens. So far, luckily no pain, it's all dead in there. But what a time for it to happen. Just sort of three o'clock on the bank holiday weekend. Around a few dentists, most enclosed at three, all of them booked up. None of them taking an emergency appointment. Not even for hard cold cash.

And so I have to wait until Tuesday to see how that goes down for me. It's beautiful looking down on the Wall of Morial, the Ukrainian and the United Kingdom flags flying together. It's a beautiful day. The clouds are covering the sky. It's the islands of blue amongst the sea of white. But it's warm. I might not even need to wear my jumper. Wolfie just about to do a poo.

I think she's gots the look of it. I can always identify that's my skill. You'll remember in the last podcast where this is about to wee your poo. She just skitters around a little bit. And then the way she hunts is just pooing now. If you're interested, she's looking directly in my face as she poos. An act of defiance. Now she's looked away.

She's embarrassed. Finally she's embarrassed by what she's doing. Well, correctly so. Because what she's doing is disgusting. But anyway, I'm clearing some stones because we're not here to talk about teeth. Organic material. If you see a tooth on the field, however big, if it's a horse tooth or a dinosaur tooth.

This is a dinosaur one. It might be petrified into stone. So you do have to clear that. But it will rot away eventually. I think it takes a while, doesn't it, for the teeth to rot there. The last thing to survive. So maybe if you see a big tooth, get it off. Just be on the safe side.

It might be a tooth steak shaped stone. But what I'm saying is my teeth will have rotted and decayed. Lert and disappeared. Probably been burnt up in the furnace. Long before these stones melt in the furnace at the end of the universe. I was thinking yesterday, you know, when you die, what if you, you know, who knows whether you can still feel stuff or not. Just because your brain's dead.

Sort of like you should be, you know, you're dead. But you're still sort of alive. You know, just you're not moving around and your brain's not working. Then they burn you up. What if that really hurts? And being buried. What if being eaten by worms really hurts? You're off, wouldn't it?

That'll be a hell. That'll be a hell on there. I think science is going to cover. Again, a bit off topic. That's just something I was thinking. Just thinking about. We're passing some lovely blue flowers. Or if he's just cocked a leg a bit away, even though she's a girl.

I admire her for that. Equal rights for all dogs. I love them bitches. In the dog sense, it's fine. It's what they like to be called. The dog. Bitches are equal. That's what the dog feminists say.

We'll be eating some grass. Or crop, actually, some crop that's spilled over to the wrong side of the path. Come on, darling. And as before, we're going the right way around this time, I should say. But no sown stars around here today. There was a lot, wasn't it, the other day? It suddenly appeared. That's what they do, lull you into false insecurity.

But it's very hard to see any stones on the field. I've just seen one. They're trying to dig it out with my boot. Yeah, and successfully so. And that can go in. We're at the trees. That's going into the roots of the trees. That's fine.

Click as it hits another stone. Yeah, but out of quite unfit, aren't I? Breathing. I did a person training session yesterday for an hour just to keep. You've got to stay fit when you're at the forefront of the stone-crewed community. You're walking for what, 10 minutes now? You should not be out of breath. So I do do a weekly person training session.

Takes me away from the field. But I think it's a good investment of time. I hope to run 10K on Monday. I'm not sure about that. It's a fun run for Mayday. And just try and keep fit. That's FIT. Don't try and keep fit.

That's not what I'm saying. Oh, and the stone-starzy on the way off. Coming. Very good timing from the stone-starzy. You've got to intercept me, basically. The care and opposite of the main care. I might... It's not really playing by the rules,

but I'm just going to wait for them to get through. I'm going to go back. There will be a complaint from the stone-starzy to the stone-peering guild that I haven't played by the strict rules of human chef. But I just don't want the hassle. I'm going to say, who is this guy? Looks like the invisible man.

You know, when he's got gloves on, even though it's not cold, he's got sunglasses on. I don't know if that makes sense. Oh, and you can see quite a lot of his skin, so it's not the invisible man. His dog is looking at Wolfie from a distance. Like I said, another stone-starzy right in the distance there.

Not saying, why are all these new people coming from... Oh, fuck, is he coming this way? No. Yes. No. No, the dog wants to meet Wolfie. Oh, she's coming out. But been called away.

Abedient dog. Look at that wolf. Imagine what that must be like. Having an obedient dog, he does what you say. Wolfie. Heading up away from the... I thought he might come back in this direction, and I'd have to pretend to be talking to Wolfie rather than you.

I don't know how to talk to you, don't know, Wolfie. But I'm not proud of that tactic, but it has worked. We're cleared to cross the field and impede it. Wolfie. Probably. He's done quite stiff from my personal training session, so bending down pick-up stones is quite a pull-over.

So that's the difficulty. If you have to actually get properly fit rather than do one session a week every now and again, and hope for the best. Right. Up the hill we go. Mr. Schmoe. Her tire tracks from a tractor. Cutting sways through the stochin, the green stochin.

But no stone's really apparent. And it's slim pickings for Tim Lickens today. That's what they say. Slim pickings for Tim Lickens. That's another t-shirt. I must get around to making these t-shirts. Slim pickings for Tim Lickens. Come on, that's a catchphrase.

You'll all be saying it in the playground tomorrow, but don't tell anyone in the playground where you got it from, obviously, because it's a secret. Also, probably get out of the playground. You're a 54-year-old man. I'm talking to you. That's not me getting my own age wrong. Come on, Wilson.

Oh, there's another dog coming up behind. That's a nice pincer movement. Maybe they anticipated me playing fast and loose through the rules. Fast and loose with the rules. And they've sent someone. Oh, he's gone the other way. Interesting. Is he going to intercept me on the return leg to the alphanomic again?

This is going to be a shortage one again today. I'm afraid because if you listen to me, I'm practically dead. It's just going to get worse, isn't it? Teeth falling out, balls dropping off. Fucking hell. Why didn't no one warn me when I was young that one day I'd be old? I mean, they did. I just didn't listen to them.

I thought they were stupid. You're probably young now. A lot of 18-year-old girls listening to this. I'd say to you, enjoy yourself while you're young. Go out. Sleep with 55-year-old married men. You know, enjoy yourself. Go out there.

But you won't listen. Definitely to that bit. But also to me saying, come on. Enjoy your life. It's just that this is me picking up phones. They work quite tough to get up. You won't be young forever. You feel like it.

Suddenly teeth falling out. Your balls will be dropping off girls, as I understand it. Just your life will be wracked with pain. So enjoy your pain-free life if applicable. And just go and suck off some 55-year-old married men. That's what I'd say. That's what I would do if I was you. Only if you're very attractive.

If you're not so attractive. I apologise. I apologise for this bit. What hath become of me? Why hath thou forfaken me, for tome gods? I did everything you asked, and yet still I am fragile. I am impermanent. I am wracked with pain.

What a pief of work, if a man foe bolds his apprehension, and yet trick him, and he will not bleed. Ah, yeah, I know all the quotes. Need a wee as well. That's another thing that happens. You know, just make the most of your young. It does not happen to wee every ten minutes. Looking across at the other field, the field opposite.

Can't see that cairn from here. At least we can. Where did it come from? Surely not from me. That would be a breaking all the rules of the tongue theory. But I am a married man. That's it, because the sun's in my face. Beautiful.

I mean, I'm warm. There's a big log here. I know it's, like, it's just in the path. I know that's not necessary. I know some of you go rich. That was organic. No need to panic. And I'll say to you, the tea who is without sin not cast,

the big bit of wood that's in your way. You're allowed to touch organic stuff. Thank goodness, because my penis is still organic. For now, I'm obviously just me touching it these days. What I say these days. What the fuck is this podcast about? Stone clearing or what? On my penis.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I remember. So I found another little oasis of stone in the, in the desert of lush green crop of some kind. I don't know what this crop is. It looks like grass, but I doubt the grown load of grass. We'll find out.

Different crop every year. That's part of the fun in it. Impermanent. But I've got some ammo. I've got some shrapnel for the alphanomic. And that guy, he turned, turned the wrong way. Not apparent. Makes me wonder where he's got to.

Here's the ditch to stop Brexit. Got three stones for that today just to make sure Brexit doesn't come back by stealth. Full of nettles. Like Brexit itself, perhaps seemed like a beautiful ditch. And yet, when we finally jumped in it, full of nettles, metaphorical nettles that stung us. That's what would have happened if Brexit had happened. So the metaphor, Duff, not let me down.

Coming up to the alphanomic again, as I said, shorts. Short stone clear today. I've only got, you know, one of my teeth is out. What do you want from me? I'm picking up a couple of, oh, that's another. Listen. Oh, look like it was a small one. It's me.

I'd say it's a small large. Most of it is a very much iceberg. They're most of it under the soil. That is a good offering to the half. I mean, it's even maybe medium small. It's a good offering to the half of an omega gods. And there it goes. I'm not sure the one I threw one at the start hit the, but there it is.

I can see it. I think, I think that's, yeah, that's one. Oh, nice. Falling to the nettles. I've got stung. Oh, got stung moving. Ah, as if my life was not pain enough already after making that point about nettles. I've actually been stung by a nettle.

And what was I do trying to do? Trying to help a stone into the right place. And that was my punishment. Why gods? Why have they all forsaken me? Doesn't make any sense. It really hurts. Well, onto emails.

I can't let pain stop me from my endeavors. I've got an email here from Holly nettles, John nettles daughter. Funny. I've just been stung by a nettle and that's, that's the email I see. Hi, Rich. It's me, Holly nettles. You know, my dad's John nettles from Berger. Obviously with my surname, a lot of people tease me about nettles, the plan, which I

understand at this time of year can be quite a problem for stone clearers. If there's, I don't know why they'd be on a field. There's more likely to be on the side and you shouldn't really put your hand there. But, you know, it could be an issue. What is the best way to avoid getting stung by a nettle? Well, it's sort of weird that that's the, that's the email I should come across. So to speak. I haven't ejaculated media.

However attractive. I'm imagining the progeny, the female progeny of John nettles would be very attractive. Just happened to me. That's the weird thing. And like, yeah, the best way to avoid it is not to go near nettles, which are generally, as you say, not on the field. The occasional one might end up in the crops. Could wear a glove.

Sometimes just wear a thin gossamer glove, but not literally made of real gossamer web, because that stuff can get through the web. But, you know, it feels more like your real hand, though, if you have got gossamer web on there. That does the sensations aren't dulled. But yeah, maybe just a Michael Jackson gossamer glove again, without just, you wore one glove or something. So you don't have to do anything inappropriate to do that, Michael Jackson.

That would be my advice. Or just enjoy the pain. Because life is pain, stone curry is pain. In some ways, like Thomas Beckett wore a hair shirt with me to get himself closer to paradise. I think me having a bad tooth and a one ball and a stung hand is my way of saying to the gods, look how much I love thee, my gods. Look, I find it quite exciting to be in pain. I just tripped over that suitcase.

The suitcase is still out there. Won't fit in the bin. Just drying that because you've got wet. I'm going to put it in. Come on, Wolves. I'm just watching the kitchen. My wife suddenly appeared, bringing her coffee back. Don't think she had his talking.

That was very, very close. You'll notice how I just ignored her and said, come on in, Wolves. Let's have some food. All right. I better go. That was too close. Wolve, come on. Come inside.

What's wrong with you? Anyway, enjoy your stone clearing. See you next time on Stone Clearing. Bye-bye. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. Start me Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog, almost Katie Herring, and probably a couple of others. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring.

Start me Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog, almost Katie Herring, and probably a couple of Stone Starsy in there as well. Wasn't that? I can't remember. It was a couple of hours ago. Now, the music is by Mike Coffray. The voice of the Photon's is Michael Pahey. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring.

Start me Richard Herring. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring.