Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 162

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

Chapter 162 - Mega Chocolate Button Madneff. It's the evening of 5th June 2024 and Richard Herring is high on life, but more pertinently high on Chocolate Buttons and the result is a podcast so unhinged that my first impetus was that no one must ever hear it. But in the end I think it's an important podcast to put out to warn younger listeners of the dangers of chocolate button addiction. Things are said that should not be said in a public place, but luckily they are said here on a podcast that no one listens to, so it's the same as just shouting them in the middle of a rapeseed field. Hardly any stones are cleared, just a man questioning if his life has had any purpose. And his life has almost certainly had more purpose than yours. So where does that leave you? Is it time to stage an intervention? And if so, who first? Me or you?

Stone clearing with episode 162. It's 1744 on the 5th of June I'm eating a pack of Party Ring Minis. No, your life's falling apart. I've just also, I mean it's bad, I've just, I'm very tired. I've just eaten some Cabri's Mega Chocolate Buttons. I don't know if you've had them, but the two have gone too far. The escalation of the chocolate button. I know this isn't really the forum for this discussion, but they're too big. And I'm not sure I like it. I'm not sure I can count on it. It's given me a nice sugar high which is what I wanted. So this one for this club car. And look if you're gonna email and complain about me eating tiny children's biscuits while I'm doing this podcast then fuck you. I will eat what I want, I'll do what I want. This is my podcast.

I'm sick, fed up with the back teeth. People tell me what I can and can't do. Look, I'm off my nut on sugar. Let's do this. And people say, should you have performance in taps and drugs? So those don't ring? Yeah, of course you fucking should. Clues in the name. You've gotta do the best you can.

So yeah, it going to be a slightly over excited edition I find like if I eat a bit of chocolate then I lose all control self-control everything falls apart it can't be good for me I'm a 56 year old man I'm very nearly 57 years old, like a grandad would be. And yet here I am, eating tiny biscuits and much too big chocolate buttons. Really, fucking hell, I mean the giant ones are fine, they're a good size. The big ones, it's like a big piece of chocolate. Everyone you eat is too much. What's next? Where will they go next?

Well at least it gives me a size scale to differentiate some of the shrapnel. I'm gonna have to find a piece of thisy. I'm really up against it here to find even a fine stone on this field for the alphanumeric chem. There's one. Oh that's quite a big one. That's the size of two to three mega chocolate buttons and then maybe two or three thick as well. So anyway here we go. It's a beautiful pasture. I've got to take a photo of this for you guys. This is too beautiful. It doesn't look that good on the camera. We'll get a bit closer. Just all the blues and yellows. I don't think... and the blue sky, look at that. That's... I mean, you can probably see that. Unless something orange happens later in the podcast.

That will be the podcast pick. There's nettles, there's blue flowers, there's white flowers, there's yellow flowers. There's a blue sky, there's scudding clouds, for cutting clouds. I'm starting to slightly come down off the sugar high. I'm out of biscuits, don't worry. It's just a small pack and I'm picking up a lot of stones here, a little handful of them, and every single one, maybe the last one, that's smaller than a mega chocolate button. I don't advise you eating stones. Many people want to feel at one with the stones. You can maybe eat the really little ones.

And that will introduce stones into your body. you'll become more of a stone person. Oh, a couple of nice small mediums there, too big to describe on the chocolate button scale so far but you know what comes next super mega fucking massive and say fucking chocolate button the size of a plate dinner plate chocolate buttons just a bar of chocolate that's what we're getting to what was I saying but anyway it's lovely to be out and talking to you again. I've not gone mental, a lot of people emailing in saying have I gone mental and that's not a polite way to deal with mental illness but no I have not. I don't think I've ever been more sane. You know I'm getting older and having to consider

where my life's going, what I've achieved in my life and working out whether what I've achieved is as much as I'd hoped I'd achieve. And you know maybe when I come to this field, luckily I can't see the stones because there's so many crops, but you know I sense them. They speak to me, it's a cacophony of sound as they shout to me from the field. Some nearby, some in the distance. There's three more of the fuckers off. Shut your fucking faces. You're off.

Happy now? You know, it feels a bit like maybe this field signifies my life. Gotta finish it in the next three months. That's not my life, that's the field. But you know, what I have done is impressive. I've taken off thousands and thousands of stones. That was good, but what's left behind, what's left to do is too much. What I've failed to do is too much.

Was it even worth it? That's what I have to have to look. This is both my life and if it wasn't even worth doing what I did to get to where I am. And you know, of course, yes is the answer. It was created stones. I've probably more importantly spread the words, maybe I'm not going to be the new Stone G Fuff, but maybe I'm the new Stone John the Baptist. And maybe the Stone G Fuff is listening to this right now, maybe it's you. Maybe you don't even know yet who your dad, real dad is. and maybe a mum was impregnated by a stoned man back in the day with pebble spunk and a sandy anus. Don't know why it'll be sandy, it'll be pretty abrasive. But you know, yeah, I'm taking stock, thinking is it worth it anymore, is it worth even carrying on? You know, I think I've got to stay alive because of my kids, so fucker. But is it worth trying to carry on working? Is it worth trying to carry on clearing the field? I mean these are the kind of doubts that make

us human, don't worry. We all have these doubts. Most of you haven't achieved anything anywhere near as much as I have in your lives so you must feel really worthless. I've been playing a lot of Civ 2 when I'm not clearing stones, trying to just create a peaceful world for myself. I've got beyond the stage where I've conquered every kingdom but I've done it mainly through peaceful means. I'm just now, the game's over but I'm carrying on, I'm just trying to make every city perfect, every piece of land, farm to its maximum, every piece of the planet earth or whatever planet civilization is on inhabited by my people. I mean it takes a long time and it's a moronic thing to do.

I mean it takes a long time and it's a moronic thing to do. I like clearing stones off a field which has some purpose. It's false purpose as most of your lives will be false purpose. I have the real purpose here. I look at my young life trying to make jokes. Trying to get on TV, succeeding and all those things. How many stones did I clear in the 1990s? Probably three or four if that and just by accident. So you know when it comes to the end well I look back and go that was that was a good life well lived.

Or will I go fucking hell why did I waste all that time not stone clearing. But the good thing is I don't you know don't think I'll be rocked for working. Is that noise is that yours? I don't think I'll be rock-working. Is that noise, is that yours? I don't think I'll be writing much comedy. I mean obviously I'm doing my tour show, that's pretty much written, I'm adapting it a bit so I kind of have my ball back. So it's nice to have that. Do come and see that if you can in London this weekend. I mean it's so absolutely pathetic to try and publicise this to you guys. A. You'll know and B. You are literally six people. But I could do with some ticket sales in London.

Friday the 3rd is Sunday. Sunday the less squint it. Tell all your friends as if any of you listening this have any friends. Maybe just go out and shout about it in the street. No, don't actually help people. I know what you look like. Right, wolves, we haven't cleared many stones. Let's cross across here. I've never let you off, even though it's a bit dangerous. I sense you might need to defecate. Do tune in to the dog poo podcast that I mentioned last time. Come on, keep going. What are you doing? Right, through this jungle. Come on. There really is a jungle now out here. A hemlock, as though a hemlock I had drunk so I haven't worked out what I'm supposed to do.

No one's told me. I've found a stone near enough to the edge to throw it but I can't really see if there's any around I'm gonna risk it. Wolfie's chasing it. I mean that's a fool's errand she's never gonna catch it. Come on Wolfie! This is literally like walking through through hell of the hell of made of crops. There's these little bean things, hemlocky things scratching me trying to kill me. Oh fuck, excuse me, that's the biscuits. I'm not mad, not mad. Just as long as they hold on to that I'll be fine. As long as you don't say that out loud you'll be fine. Anyway, we haven't cleared many stones but you know you're all gonna have been gonna get to the point I'm doing this as an exercise obviously it's all scripted very carefully. I'm just here to show you that even someone as successful as me can go through existential dread

to think that maybe their life was meaningless, that everything they did was pointless, no one really liked them. Even someone like me can think that. And even people who did actually did actually like as well. I'll keep going that's what I'm gonna do I'll just keep going till the world catches up with me that's yeah it's the world that's wrong it's everyone else that's wrong not me it's the world that's wrong. More Rattlespurs coming up in the autumn as well, just starting to try and book those now. Why am I bothering? I'm scared selling stuff on eBay. Thanks for anyone who bid on those stone clearing items. Well thank you especially to the people who got them.

I won't invade your privacy by mentioning your names also, I can't remember who you are. Not seeing them, the stones embedded deep in the party, there's just no chance of seeing any stones. This could be the least, someone will be counting up how many stones I've cleared. This could be the least number, even with that good handful of shrapnel earlier on. This could be the, also the ground is as hard as concrete, as hard as a concrete direction. I'm going to miss those things as well, I'll tell you. They don't really tell you about that though when you're 57. I used to be able to get wreck to the drop of a hat. Sometimes I didn't even have to drop a hat. I could do it. Trying to do a bit for the talking cock there.

But, my goodness. It takes a lot more effort these days. Is it a blessing or a curse? Couple of stones cleared here into the wall beside the main can. You heard them click. You heard him click. I could produce my human glue

seven or eight times a day, I mean it would be running low but now, you know, if I do it once a day that's an amazing couple of days. No one warned you about getting old, Wolfie, today. I'm going to warn you, Wolfie, you're going to get old. You're young now. You're going to get old and you're not going to be able to spunk. Oh, you're a girl. It's going to be the same for you. You're a neutered dog. I mean this is the safest place for me to talk about stuff like this because of course

this is a true safe space where no one will hear what I've said so I can really open up and tell you all the truth of the terrible things I've thought and done. Sadly that's hardly anything as well. I've really wasted my life. You know, you look at some of the high achievers of nastiness. I've been much too considerate. Though you know I had my moments of selfishness so well done me. Well done me. Not enough. Coming down towards the ditch to stop Brexit there was a stone starzy guy in the distance, looked like a holiday rep holding up a cane, looked like he was taking a holiday party. As I can see he's got a little cap on, yellow cap maybe. He's going the wrong way. The good thing about this high chaperral, sorry this high crop is that

they can't see me. I can't see them but they can't see me. So it's a double edged mirror window, double edged window. Right I've got to find some scraps of shrapns for the ditch. The bitchy ditch. Is that the best I can do? I can't get that out. That's too embedded. Even though the sand and ground is slightly wetter and softer here. Couldn't get that out.

Ah, here we go. That's a poor offering. That is the site. That's not even as big as a mega chocolate button, but it's going into the ditch. It's stuck in Brexit as we speak. Perhaps I'll find something for the alphanomagican gods. What if there's a person following me? Just the light shining on the crops. I've got a few little bits of shrapnel do. The sugar come down. It was quick wasn't it? Fuck. The glee followed by the depression. Then back to the mega chocolate

button pack to see if that can save me. All those months I was healthy and doing well. Back on the drugs, chocolate button drugs. I can't even get hooked on a good drug. I might start taking heroines and stuff now I'm old. See how that goes down. Right, we're here at Duckett's Passage on our way back. Alpha and Omega Cairns has been fed and yeah it's a short one today. Gotta get back that's why I was eating biscuits I couldn't wait for the biscuits because I've got to get back to the kids and just time to look at emails here we are I'm just looking at them now, going to pick one to read Rose, nice normal name, Rose Staunchen, is that what it's called?

Rose Staunchen, is that what it's called? Ah, sorry, is that your name? Rose Staunchon. It's got a touch. Someone's put some wood up against the fence there, presumably to stop it falling down. Is that Staunchon? I don't know. I don't know why. That's a coincidence. Hi Rich, it's me, Rose. I haven't emailed before.

I'm 19 years old and deeply in love with you. I attach photos. Please don't do that, Rich. I won't be looking at those photos. Thank you, but Do not send photos of your young naked body to me, please. It's not what this is about. Can I just say I haven't ever heard you eating on the podcast but I just want to say please don't ever eat on the podcast it's disgusting to hear someone talking just chewing especially on something crunchy like a biscuit like a child's biscuit it would annoy me if you did that and I would take my photos back I

want you to take the photos back. I don't want them. I'm gonna look at them they can't you, if you send them I might as well look. But I just didn't want them. I didn't ask for them. I didn't want them. And as I've explained, there's no point sending them to me anyway. The equipment is not fully functioning. I'm no good to you or anyone. Anyway thanks Rose for... I won't be doing... sorry that I did it in the start of this one. I mean it will look to you like I ran your email before and thought

how can I annoy his Rose sort of shit. But I didn't do that and then he says I did jab to that and they saw me and they checked my computer and saw that I'd read that email already in a liar. He promised you they're lying. Right back home. I'll be thinking about you when we are far away. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. I don't think enjoy is the right word. At least we have those beautiful flowers to get us through the misery. Okay thanks for listening. Sorry I didn't think enjoy is the right word. At least we have those beautiful flowers to get us through the misery. Okay, thanks for listening. Sorry I didn't clear many stones. From me and all the stones. Thank you flag hag. Enjoy your stone clearing. Listen to the stone, my friend, And they're halfing year merry dance. Don't listen to the bird fan-tree, Don't listen to your underpants. And they in turn I'll live for you, my friend, my fine friend. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring stars me, Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog, plus

the Tourist Guide style Stone Stars-y man and some chocolate buttons had quite a lot to do with it as well. This music is by Mike Cosgrave. The voice of the photons is Michael Fahin. And truth don't live unto your underhand, Live unto the throne, live unto the throne, To ye, my friend, my fine friend.