Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 174

Episode Date: September 21, 2024

Chapter 174 - Ozymandiuf (Part II). It's 2.08pm on 21st September 2024 and a worried Richard Herring is out trying to get this job done before he moves in six days. It's not looking that good. The Stone Stasi, depleted by Covid, send a couple of kids out to do an adult's job, but they are no match for Richard Herring. Is it better to leave a couple of feet behind or nothing at all? What the hell has Wolfie been eating? And what's that thing out on the field? None of these questions or answered and are barely even asked. A listener email is full of embarrassing effusive praise, but at least the person who sent it kept their top on. Become a badger here: http://gofasterstripe.com/badges Subscribe to Substack here: https://richardherring.substack.com/

Stone clearing with Richard Herring. They told us not to throw stones when we were a kid, when we were children, even then we were being indoctrinated against the fine art of stone clearing. No parent would want their kids to become a stone clearer. They knew what was that involved. It says a lot that we are starting this way. Welcome to chapter 174. It's Saturday the 21st of September 2024, it's 2.09am, there's a thunderstorm going on. Don't know why I'm out stone-clearing but I do know why, because that is my life and that's what I have to do and the field must be cleared.

It must be cleared. and trying to see if we can make any leeway so you're getting a second podcast this week just to see what happens I was out here this morning clearing stones, back out this afternoon, no doubt I'll be out this evening as well. I'm doubling my efforts a little bit. I'm starting to wonder if everything I've done in my life has been worthless. I think of the poem Ozymandias, which I may have mentioned before in these chapters. Where I think it's Shelley as it finds, or Wordsworth Shelley, I don't know, finds a

couple of feet in the desert. I am Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look upon my works, ye mighty in despair. Dismay? I can't remember. I haven't checked this out, I'm just remembering it vaguely. But you know, a couple of big feet in the desert is better than nothing, isn't it? If I could just have a couple of big feet in the desert to survive hundreds of years, then

this is very weird. I'd be pleased with that. There's a couple of kids out on this ocean here which is unusual let's go on to the alphanomic again one of them's just looking at me we're gonna let the dog off the lead she's all right she's friendly Wow there's more of you, there's two of you, you've doubled. I thought you'd magically changed into two kids, you look so similar. No you're not. Does she bite? She's a she and no she won't, if you punch her in the face she might bite but don't punch her in the face no she's very friendly, we've got kids ourselves so she's very friendly

all right no she doesn't bite good girl Wals, well that's slightly uh put the kibosh on my stone cloned some good stones here they're going the other way but managed a little sabutio there that's all I can do there's another kid further up so I think the kids whose house is back on to this field are using it as a playground. They're cycling, a couple of boys cycling, look like they could be twins, they look like the same age, they're brothers. But that was with them as well, getting a bit of a weird look, like I was some kind of weirdo talking to his kids, what have you done there wolfs I don't think that's Mr. Wee

Wolfie come here, Wolfie come here, come here Just adding some stones to my new camera. Going to put Wolfie on the lead because there are some children further up as well. I've never seen children out here in my life. It's weird to see several of them come on what are you doing? are you being sick? whats up? you alright wolves?

you look like she's going to vomit. You ok darling? Have you eaten the stone? You alright darling? Oh, she's eaten something yellow. Must have done that while she was running around good girl what have you eaten a big caterpillar or something puked up something bright yellow what was that will be your body did not like it whatever it was I managed to go over

managed to pick up a nice medium stone There's some great stones here as a result of the ploughing. Some of them just sitting atop. The surface looking as fresh as the day they were created by the stone gods. No dirt on them just sitting like it's time for me to come off. Those are the ones I really feel have to come off as soon as possible and there's one I spot here nice white stone right I'm hassle-hoffing, I'm hassle-hoffing and when you get out this far you do realize how much there is still to do in this final six days before we move I mean it just feels like no one's been out here doing anything. I found like a really big, I mean I would say large stone on this morning's walk just a few

feet away from the path and you think that stone's been waiting there all these years, thousands of years probably for me to come to move it to the side. How could it still be there after all this work? Well you know the stones come up from underground. Even if I get this top layer done in time there is some question about whether the next time the plough comes over more stones will appear. Everyone's fucking out in the gardens today, I can tell you that, my friends, my finest friends. But anyway, yeah, you know, I think my Ozymandias...

It doesn't matter really how you're viewed, as much as I want to be remembered in 10,000 years time, with a wall that's visible from space. The wall isn't yet visible from space, maybe it never will be, but anyone walking through here you'll see one of the Cairns go, I wonder who did that? Was it Ozymandias King of Kings? What's that? This isn't even on the field, it's a big bit of pipe. Wow, I'm throwing it further off the field. Bit metal pipe just sticking out the ground. Without caring the world. But, you know, what I've done, no man can undo and it cannot be undone.

What is done cannot be undone, that's what I'm trying to say. Unless someone comes while I'm away and just throws all these back on again. But even then, you know, the stuff I've created here will at least have existed. Look at that, so clean as anything. How's that possible, the rest is dirty. That's nice little can, developing their nest. That's added three more to it. So take it, it might be a bit of pot, but it's nice.

So off it goes, into the underground. You know be a bit of pot but it's nice. So off it goes into the undergrowth. You know a lot of what I'm doing it's secret it's going into undergrowth never to be seen again and I'm happy as that as well. You know what I'm saying is even though I see Mendes isn't real and made up his feet still survived and that's what I'm hoping here at least will happen at least a foot a toe maybe. Some vestige of me will be left behind the villagers may be relieved. There isn't a weird man moving stones talking to their kids or they may think why doesn't that guy come, think what he could have done for the economy of the village had he been successful.

If they'd just try and carry on his work they wouldn't be able to do it. They don't have the necessary skills. That's all having a bit again because there's a couple of beauties out here. And a bit of metal I think over there, we'll have to investigate. Looks like a bit of plough again, usually is. Yeah, it's one of those, one of those metal bits of plough. You find these all over the place. Ploughs must have to be replaced all the time, the number of these I've found. But I'll take it off anyway,'s what I say. You might say

Rich why are you wasting your time doing metal, there's still stones to go. I'll fucking do what I want, alright? Fuck you. I'm coming here, here criticizing what I'm doing. You're the one listening to this, I dare you even for a second think you're better than me, you're not, you're worse than me. Yeah out here, it is just like more stone than soil out here I have to say I'm now a little bit into the field and yeah that's quite dispiriting gonna go back to the edge where it doesn't look quite bad can I get this one can I subute here this one is from a distance. Oh no, got closer. Let's try and see if we can sub. You can play golf if you want, that's another game, so

that's one. Two, it's just on the edge of the green. And then I think a putt. Oh, he awfully stopped it, so that was a four. That one was a two, I kicked that one and then I kicked it over the edge. Got three nice mediums in my hand. I'm honest, I've got two mediums in one hand and a large one in the other. You know how big my hands are, I can't hold three mediums. Those are going into the base of the trees. I don't want to start lying to you now, I've been honest with you. Look at that, that was a parabola.

I wish you could be here to see these, but at least it went a bit too high, that one to be a beautiful parabola. Parabola. Parabola below. There's a few new potato stones there. Don't worry, they're not potatoes, they just look like them. I wouldn't take a potato off, know that you know that much by now that looks like a witch's dick I'm going to chuck that off as I say the chance I might come back can I keep away could I really keep away it's a question I've asked myself many times.

And just picked up a few smalls there. They're big smalls, but they can go in the can across from the main can. And the pathway that a few days ago I was almost the first person to traverse is now solidly, let's take a photo of that pathway so you can see how solid it's become. That's the pathway that leads home, the pathway that leads away from the stones, that's what goes towards the stones. It's the path that takes me to my new life.

A life that might not even have any stones in it, who knows. Not me. We don't know what the future will bring, Ksarasa. Even she doesn't know I don't know why people keep asking Ksarar what the future will bring she just has the same answer it's incorrect because you are in control of what will be whatever will be will be. Whatever will be will be, but only when it's been Wolfie doing a poop now. It is quite a diarrhea-y one.

What's happened to you darling? You're fine this morning. I picked up a massive shit this morning in a bag. The dog shit fans would be very happy. This one's like, what have you eaten? Did you eat something this morning that I didn't see? You've been sick, diarrhea. Who's looking after you?

Isn't no one looking after you little girl? Oh my love! I'll give you a drop when you get home because I might forget to do that in the move with the move coming up. Maybe that'll help. She does eat some weird things. God knows what that yellow thing was, my goodness. It was all yellow. My cat, my dog did some sick. Upon the stocian floor.

What a thing to have done before and it was all yellow. I'm surprised you know in many ways that this podcast has remained an underground cultish thing, with ending becoming more cultish as it went on. I said cultish. More refined. We've weeded out, like a farmer weeding his fields, we've weeded out people that don't deserve us. What's out there? That's too far for me to investigate there's something out there in the middle of the field. Might be another balloon of some kind. Can't really hassle off out there. I tell you those kids would fucking hassle off and all over the place bikes and everything. If the farmer saw them I'm

intrigued as to know what that mystery object is it could be some pirate gold. I'm intrigued as to know what that mystery object is. It could be some pirate gold. I did notice on my walk this morning I picked up quite a few stones down this way but there was a lot of nice mediums. I've got two small larges in my hand right now. There's another medium to join them. There's a lot of stones down here. It can be cleared. Oh look at that, what's that one? I still haven't found my Moby Dick of a stone, the big... oh that's pretty big, this one though, look at that! Oh that's the biggest... oh yes! That's not my Moby Dick, but it's my Moby Cunt. Ah! Spreading oil, soil into my face. I mean this, that wasn't even one of the ones I saw. I just spotted that one peeking out from under the ground. Look here, there's just hundreds.

We can clean up here, we can make this main can. I mean just a couple of them just on the palm here. And mediums, small mediums. Maybe I shouldn't have picked those up in favor of the ones that are to come can't take them all I reckon I can get one more let's just take that one for now we'll hope no one comes the other way because we're going to drop all of this no just there there there there there oh man it's cruel in many ways that a stone clearer has to work alone. There's a team of stone clearers out here who can make light work of this. But there are no rules to stone clearing, I don't know if I've mentioned that before. It's actually the first rule of stone clearing.

Oh I want to get that one, I can't, I've got too many hands full. But the second rule of stone clearing is that each stone clearer must work alone in his job on his field with neither man nor beast to aid him. There are some stone stars in the way but they're too far away to catch me. And these are going right on the main cairn and that one's going right on the top because that's the beauty. Didn't even break when I threw it. The main can, I have to say, looking no bigger than it did four or five years ago,

but I think there's been some gravity and spread. If you look around the corners it's bigger, but the actual main bit... Almost looks like... Should we go? Should we just do one little... There was that one I really wanted to get and now I can't, now I'm going the other direction, I can't... Oh is that it? I love these ones. I know it's wrong to prefer one stone over another. They're these brown smooth circular ones. Ah yeah, that's a, that's the size of a dinosaur egg. Look at that wuss! Wanted to come off. It was calling to me and saying

Richard please don't leave before I am off the field. I would like to be on the main camera possible. And there you are just as you asked. I'll miss this place, the friends I've made along the way, they're all stones. I'll miss you my listeners, the emails you've sent in, mostly 18 year old girls new chats, but amongst those some really pertinent questions from unusually named people. That was a nice kick, that was a nice kick. Wish I could have seen that one. This is a good skimmer, that one. I wish that was just a flat stone. You know, get me completely flat stones here. Good size but flat. I love all the stones. I love them in a natural way, not in a perverse way. I've never inserted the stone into myself. I thought about putting one in my scrotum to replace my testicle.

So far, they all haven't eaten any of the stones. Anyone who says that, I haven't, they've seen me eat them as a liar. That rumour has been going around. But yeah, me and Ozymandias, we've made our mark. And that is the meaning of that poem. We left something behind. The future generations can only wonder who was the man doing this? Did he have any idea of the ecological damage he was causing? No. No is the clear answer to that. Thought I was helping. Come on, come on, diarious puke dog.

I've seen some stuff today come out of this dog. Maybe those children were angels sent by the stone gods to thank me. I don't know why the stone god sent them to a dad who looked so suspicious of me. Ah, the ditch that stopped Brexit. I'm going to feed it nicely now. There's a nice egg, that's more like a regular large chicken egg that's gone in. that's more into the ditch, that was sort of slightly out of the ditch but there's a nice nice couple of extra stones there for the stone gods. Let's give them a potato that's the ditch that stopped Keir Starmer getting free clothes. It's not politically biased, you know, it might sound it.

I've tried to get prime ministers taken out but wherever it sees a wrong it will write that wrong. As long as you feed it stones. God knows what the result of me moving out of the area is going to be for the larger world. I'm still in the area, I'll be back. I'll be back, don't worry. Don't worry my chickadees. But what will help me come back is if you subscribe to my sub stack. And I'll become a monthly badger. Two different things. There may be a little bit of crossover and content. But if you want the money to go to making podcasts

gofasterstrike.com slash badgers. If you want the money to come to me to help me pay for my two mortgages and two sets of bills keep my family alive. Richardherring.substack.com I think you'll find it you know you know the places to it. Anyway we're coming down there's some good extra content there not very much of that stone so far but who knows what will appear in the future. Right well Wolfie I'm glad we took you out for a walk. Just check we're still recording here. Because you needed to get that stuff out here.

It's just time to look at your email. This is an email coming in from Spinbag McCloud. That's a nice cloud that today, coincidentally. They do look slightly Scotch. That's some nice clouds out today, coincidentally. They do look slightly Scotch. Binbag MacLeod, I'm guessing that's a nickname. I work on the bin lorries. People from all kinds of backgrounds enjoy stone clearing.

I mean, bin men sort of, I saw here they were accidently clearing our rubbish in the day. They then clear stones at night. Hi Richard it's me, Bin Bavid McLeod. That is my actual given name. I do not work on the bins. I am actually a professor of medieval poetry at Oxford University, like probably most of your listeners. I don't know if that's true. But I'm certainly very middle class and I do not believe the other single working class listener proved me wrong. Very aggressive from a medieval history professor. Anyway Rich, I haven't really got a question as such, you've covered most of the aspects

of stone clearing, I would say. Well, you're a fool if you think that. That's like you said, you've covered most of the aspects of medieval history, binbag. It's, what is it, like sea bag Montefori, is that your name? Maybe that's where it gets from. You know, I've just scraped the surface in these 174 chapters. That's why I probably do have to carry on. We haven't even got up to the intermediate levels. Anyway, Richard, I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done. I know no one has really recognised this work or mentioned it anywhere. I think Alex Horne might have said he liked it in

the newspaper about four years ago, four or five years ago. But in any sane society, I just want to say Richard, that your work here would be heralded as genius. But we don't in a sane society, we live in a mad society, we live in a society where genius goes unbiased. And so I just hope my simple but heartfelt and genuine words will make you realize this hasn't been a waste of your time. You are a genius and one day people will realize that probably after you're dead it would be too late to properly thank you, give you awards and stuff and money, but I reckon it will happen.

So really that's not the question, is it? That's just me digging you up. I know you'd be too embarrassed to say this stuff yourself. I am. I find it embarrassing just reading this out, but good on you. Well thank you for that Bimbag and to all my working-class listeners. I know he wasn't one of them. He maybe came from a working class background, you know, like I'm middle class but my grandparents worked in the building trade so, you know, on one side, the other side were teachers which is quite middle class.

I'm Irish, but if you go back now it has to be working class and there's nothing in Ireland for people who aren't working class. So that is my heritage. Anyway, thanks for listening and hopefully we'll see you again. Before the move, this is just a little bonus, just because I'm on my own in the house, everyone's gone out. That's why I left the TV on because I was watching football. That's not good for the environment, is it? Alright, good luck to York City. dance. Don't lift unto the bird-fan tree, Don't lift unto your underpants, Lift unto the stone, Lift unto the stone, And they in turn, I lift to ye, my friend, my fine friend. Photone clearing with Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog.

Start Richard Herring with Wolfie the Dog, plus a couple of kids and then another kid, and some stone clothes in the distance. The music is by Mike Coughgrave, the voice of the tones however is Michael Vahena, who's going to be guest on Brownist of a Soon. Listen out for that one. my friend, and they foul sing ye a merry dance. Don't listen to the birds and trees, don't listen to your underpants. Listen to the stones, listen to the stones, And they in turn, foul-livered to ye, My friend, my fine friend.