Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 24

Episode Date: May 15, 2019

Chapter 24: Bonef of Ftonef. It's approaching 7pm on 14th May 2019 and a trendily dressed Richard is in search of stones (and not dog-walking based love). But more excitingly he's invented a brand new non-confusing stone size classification system that will bring this audio guide into a 3 dimensional video extravaganza (in the cinema of your mind). The crops are so high that is hard to see where the vegetation ends and the stones begin, but that doesn't stop Richard musing on how he might be able to literally become one with the stones and live amongst them for eternity. You may laugh at his vision. But let's face it, laughter is unlikely. Check out https://www.stoneclearing.com for all your stone clearing needs.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello there, welcome to another chapter of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. It's five to seven, it's probably a late one. A few months ago this would have been a terrifying night time experience. But still a beautiful blue sky, summer has arrived in Hertfordshire. Good news for everyone except Stone Clearing, it's Wolfie the dog is very keen to get to the field. Wolfie come here, come here. I think she probably needs a way she's been in the house for a few hours while we've been out in the dentist.

There is other things, it's not your business. Well I've been, all your business is that I'm out here clearing stones once again. That's not that good, she hasn't even had a wee yet. So, oh that's about too soon. A dog we enthusiast. The first one, it's a shaft of yellow liquid, coruscating its way down, that's the right word, down the path. I've got to feel like a little bit of a cold coming on.

But of course Stone Clearing does not stop mainly for illness. Stone Clearing is of old but I've come out here whatever their state was. And I intend to do the same as a tribute to them. There's many things that won't be quite the same. Blimey, I'm out on the field now and are you hearing that click that I didn't manage to locate the can with a little stone I picked up? But my goodness, everywhere's overgrown in the field and everything around the field. That looks a bit like a baby that's wheat in there, that's wheat growing in amongst the rest of the stuff. Last year with peas, I mean they may have changed their crop.

There's definitely some shoots coming up their ears like grass, they may have just flown in from somewhere else of course. But they're doctored right throughout the field today. And they're just trying to find some stones for you to get us going. There's a little triumvirate. Oh my goodness. I thought I'd been out recently but this is everything's very different. The can's by the bench there.

It's a naked fruit bar thing. It's really caught in the back of my throat. It's important to keep your energy up as a stone clearer. But remember if you are going to be speaking during your stone clearing to be wary of not eating anything that's too flaky. It's a bit like some coconut in the back of my throat but it was a lemon drizzle one. It wasn't very nice. I bought a bumper pack of 20 different kinds and these are very much the ones left in the end that I don't really fancy. They're not sponsoring the podcast.

There will of course be a few sponsors of the podcast who paid on the Kickstarter having any names as yet. Nicely hit the fence there. Wolfie running out into the crops, whatever they are, they are nearly as tall as that. I mean like that's not, her legs are completely underneath the crops now. It gives you some idea if you know how big she is. But yeah, any attempt for me to find most of my cans is going to be fruitless. It's incredible growth of weeds and grass and whatnot along the side here. I know there's something there.

They've just had a click. But yeah, it's becoming pretty difficult now to find stones. I'm going to walk out into the station a little to see if I increase my chances. There is a little furrow of non-plants here which I'm mining and just throwing from a distance to the edge. I'm only a few feet from the shore. I'll keep my eye open for of course for other dog walkers. I'm not sure who's out here at 7. There's a nice fence here.

We've been mainly conquering on the path of late. The dog thinks I'm playing. This has jumped in my face. Go on, go and chase those if you want to chase somebody. Nice three, nice mediums there, medium smalls. Not medium bigs. Oh, that's quite a nice one. There's a kind of egg-shaped one and longer.

This is sort of the size of a semi-tergid penis or a small penis that is fully tergid. I'll allow you to assume in penises I'm talking about there. It's also the shape of the penis which is what I'm not obsessed with penises. There's a good little hole there just out a few feet into the field. I think that might be where I have to go if I really want to find some treasures. I've just stepped one step out into the ocean and two more nice mediums. One clatters against another fence a bit further up. Again, we're at the point of the year where really you can just only hope to throw your stones off the field.

It's very hard to find the cairns that you've already created. But in a sense that's a good thing because that's what I really want is just to remove so many stones from this field that just by randomly throwing them to the edge they will form a wall. At least 10 foot high wall without me even attempting to build a wall. So the cairns are fine, they attempt to craft something I find. I think the real skill here comes from just the random nature of the fall of the stones they fall where they wish to go. And that's a nice, what would you say, I mean it's bigger than a golf ball. It's sort of a ballish shaped stone.

It's kind of the size of a squash ball with maybe a golf ball squeezed, ping pong ball maybe squeezed on to the end. Oh yes, I mean this is crazy. How has things got so overgrown? This is the area where I'm at. Oh well there, I can just see the probably third biggest cairn I've got. But it's hidden by nettles. It's not John nettles, it's from a bear jack who made that joke already. It's going to be some repetition. And just flick just down there with my archaeological trail, my controversial archaeological trail.

See if we can flick another. Oh that was a better flick. Just off the path really, although along here it's slightly a moot point as to where the field ends. The path begins, there is crop either side of me. In fact where I am now although I am officially on the path around. Oh and that's a nice, that's very much an egg. A normal large hen's egg size. All the testicles, the man with quite large testicles.

An old man probably, an old gentleman. These testicles have been distended by the force of gravity. I'm out in my civvies today. I have a fence in town. That's our local town and I'm still wearing the clothing that I wore out. Quite cool casual clothes. Last time wore a suit you know. I just like to mix things up.

Keep the dog walkers of culture guessing. Take on a series of identities really so that they don't realise in case they spot me one day. I think oh there's a guy in a suit doing this and then oh no it's a sort of cool funds type fella. Which is what I most look like now I think. I'm actually overwhelmed by the growth of plants here. I mean I know that we mowed down and destroyed as they deserve to be. I know they're not as permanent as the stones that I covet. But there's something impressive about the speed with which our planet will be taken over by vegetation.

If we were not here to reap what we have sown. Which the way things are going may be the case. I mean perhaps the plants we will take with us. You know when we die not literally they will also be wiped out along with humanity. Which I think is fairly certain to happen quite soon. I hope not because I want future generations to see the wall I've created. But it doesn't matter to me if they're the future generations of humans or cockroaches, alien life forms. I can't really see the second biggest camera field hidden by nettles.

Maybe bay leaves there, maybe a bit of thick grass. I don't know when the farm is going to come and sort this stuff out. Might find it difficult with all the stones in there. Like my kids harvesting, cutting. The verge is a bit more difficult. But that's not my lookout is it? So yeah this is a very deserty environment we find ourselves in. Now I'm passing a few stones that I could stop to take.

But that one's calling to me. How do you know which stones to take? They just they will tell you. I hope some of you, but I know some of you are going into the many emails I've been getting. Hi Richard, does this email at all? Sorry I just found it's in the past too. What I thought was two small stones. One medium, one quite large or a small medium.

One medium small. If we're going by the scale of small, small, small, medium, small, large. Medium, small, medium, medium, medium, large, large, small. I'll come and help you. Woofie, come here. I hate my little trowel. Come on, come here. Good girl.

Oh, hold on. Woofie, come here. Don't get the clip on. There we go. Spam your dog. Right, it's way. A couple tending to. I think they put his on the lead as well.

Woofie. Come on. Come on, dum-dum. Hi there, how you doing? She's all right. She just wants to play. There we go. No, well, I just don't just think that because with a smaller dog,

she can sometimes be a bit too rambunctious, but she's not. She's a good girl. Good girl. Well done. Yeah, very pleasant to those two strangers, the evening dog walker people. But of course, I love them in reality.

For their puny human forms. I'm hoping one day to replace all my flesh and bones with stone and be a stone man walking the earth through eternity. It may take a little time, but that is the ultimate goal of this. Once I build the wall, then I can start. I reckon if I just swap out, you know, some of the smaller bones to give to see how that works out for me,

then just try peeling back the skin, just guarding that. We'll see. I mean, I'm not a scientist, but for me, that seems likely to work. Right. So again, found quite a nice-looking specimen. Not quite as good as it looked, just in the pathway. As I was saying, lots of emails coming in.

I know people who are loving stone clearing themselves. Oh, that's a nice, another nice. I mean, I would call that a small to medium, medium. That's the scale we're using today. Maybe the scale we stick with. Do you imagine a small, small is like a regularly small sized stone? Yeah, I think you could probably work your way up to understanding what I am. I'm not sure it's helpful with some of these other, like,

cabbage cream egg ones, you know, you have to have salt, have a cabbage cream egg by you, and know whether I'm talking about cabbage cream egg now, or cabbage cream egg from the 70s, you know. I don't think it's a practical scale, but the small, small, small, medium, small, large, medium, small, medium, medium, medium, large, large, small, large, medium, large, large, where the large, large is going to be bigger than any stone I've found so far.

I'd say the best I've done so far is large, medium. Anyway, as I say, a lot of emails coming in. Dominic Pebble. Dominic Pebble's been in touch, and he's, he said, yeah, Rich, thanks for inspiring me to stone clear. I've started clearing a field in a place called Crop Land, and it's going really well. I've got, again, with over five stones in it already.

Well, that is very good, Dominic. Start small. That's the only way you can, you can't start big, because, you know, you need to have nothing to start with, and then stone by stone, that's what I'm, one stone upon another stone until the half, the photons in their big pile. I believe that's one of, well, it's just not made up, actually,

but it did sound as like it could have been said by an old stone theory, don't it? That's my point. And yeah, thanks, Dominic. It's nice to hear that I'm inspiring people all over the world. Don't just have a podcast. I've got an awful old Brian Bramble with his podcast, winning quite a lot of the Stone Crane Awards

of this year's Stone Crane Podcast Awards. All of them. Set the boards. Don't think it's spare. I think I'm, you know, doing the real work out here. Not as glitzy. It's not as showbiz as some of the other ones. But, and I use an archaeological trail,

which did make me, apparently, ineligible for any awards ever. But, no, I'm not going to get that to me. It's not about the awards. It's not about having the best podcast. It's about helping people like Dominic Pebble. Look at his name, isn't it? I just checked the emails again to see what his name was.

He was in Cropland. Cropland. That's where he lives. Don't look at that up. It's probably, I don't know what country it's in. And that's the thing about something that's truly an international, and sometimes even beyond that, there's no saying you can't find Cropland in the world.

Maybe it's not from this planet. So, you haven't got me. That's what I'm saying. And, yeah, as I'm talking here, finding some nice specimens, these are small. I mean, what would you say? Medium or small? Wuffy?

Two medium smalls? Or, I mean, maybe small or big, small large. So, I'd say one of them is smaller than the other one. It's slightly bigger. It's medium small. I hope you can, are you getting an idea of envisaging that? Of course, as you did science for Kickstarter, there will be a visual representation of this task,

which I might be able to explain that further if it's confusing. Working with that glove still, it's a nice smooth piece of some kind of brown stone. Not really important what the stone is. Clay like it is, but hard. Like it's being baked, but I don't think it's, in a sense, all the stones are being baked. Yeah, I'm not going to find any walls over there.

I'll just chuck that in there. And we've arrived at the diagonal. I'm not going to head into the next door field. I've decided to try and obey the 15 rules of stone clearing. Rule one, of course, there are no rules. But if I'm going to obey the rules, there are. Because otherwise anarchy will prevail. It's also very important to transgress the rules,

because that's what we're doing here. We're not caring about mankind and his petty laws. Just heading out, throwing a couple of nice stones there. I'd say it's more medium, was the biggest one there. Up to the edge. And yeah, this all that's bigger than I thought it was going to be. That's a small, medium small, but that's what I meant before. That's the confusing thing about the system, I suppose.

So I'm going to throw this like a shot put. And Wolfie's running after it. Oh, it's gone bit too far. Yeah, he went into the next field. I could have hit someone. So that's one of the rules. Be careful about how you throw it. So I did check there was no one around.

Very important. That's the second rule. And there's just three small mediums. One of them might be a small small there. Just throwing a few feet to the edge of the field. I mean, there's another one. Maybe it's too far away to hit the edge now, but we'll see. Oh, no.

Comfortably into the undergrowth, haphazardly, randomly. No one around to see me as far as I can tell. Well, that one might fall a bit short. We know it bounced and went on. I thought it was going to end on the path, but it's gone over the path into the thick undergrowth. One more from here. And I don't know, we're probably 10 or 15 meters

on throwing those stones with ease, I would add. Very much with ease. I mean, I can appreciate why people enjoy the lushness of nature as I walk through this incredibly green field under an incredibly blue sky. There's some arcing downwards, but still some way from its nighttime rest. And I'll just find myself walking up some tracks

made by the tractor here just to see what we can see. We'll take these to the middle of the field. Nothing too massive, but it's still quite nice. Nice little hole of four. Four stones. Oh, probably somewhere. I mean, you could, some device further, you could be small, small, small,

small, small, medium, small, small, large. So I think probably I will need that. I don't think the categories I've got are enough. I would say small, medium, medium, small, medium, which is quite a bit bigger. Or is it a bit, yeah, smaller, small, large, and flat. Flat is always harder to decide. It will be large.

I mean, it will be medium, probably small, large, if it was thick, but it's thin. So I'll go for small, small, medium. And there's another one that I want to just mention, but thicker, so that would ask me for more medium. I think we're all getting the idea, but all the stones I picked up, I'm holding in one of my small hands, which should give you the idea that they're not particularly big.

There's a sort of goose egg size stone there. Very much like an egg that can just rest on top. The others. Oh, and I'm crossing the path a little. I found something quite exciting. I think let's have a look. Oh, not quite. It's just flat again.

It would have been big if it had gone down beneath the ground. It was what clearly was part of a much bigger stone. It's been chipped away from its brothers and sisters. And now, still very much medium, small, or bad news, maybe. No, I think we're okay. Some dog walkers there, right across the diagonal. I thought it might be coming towards me,

in which case I would have had to dump this precious load of stones. This isn't the time for that kind of humor. But they've gone off on their way back into the village, back to their lives. Whilst I continue my work alone. Unobserved. No one knows what I'm doing. Just the swishing of grass and my jacket.

No one to be seen. This is probably quite a good time to come out. I mean, sometimes I do come out this sort of time in the dark, and there was rarely anyone around then. So you can get a lot of stones out while you're unobserved. But in the day, like you can only see, especially here, I can see every corner of this field now. Just the first entrance bit, I can't see.

It's an hell-shaped field. What was that kick there? I feel like I should take that one in. I didn't find the one I kicked, but right where I was looking another, I mean, medium, small or small, large. And we arrived at the... I really like the new system.

I'm going to perfect it. Oh, there's a dog poo on there. Oh, no, it's nice. I'm at the central telegraph pole, and really, I can't even see where it just... It's overgrown. There is a little tree here. You can hear that I'm hitting again and again,

throwing my stones into the growth, and they're finding their brother stones. It's quite beautiful. I'm just down here. I mean, it's taken a step off the path into the field here. I'll look, but this is all stones, and all smallish stones that are going to be very hard to get to. I'm going to pick up five of them.

They range in small, small, small. I'd say small to more large, actually. That one's very small, small, medium. It's right up to small, small, large. But five off the field, at least, together, they made one probably just bang on medium. Wow, that's a small medium. A medium small.

We'll get used to that system. Don't worry, I think it will... Maybe on the website somewhere, I should just put up a size guide to what each size is, because it's difficult, because we're working in three dimensions. Oh, and there's a couple of lovely stones. One a bit of a flatty, and the other, the shape of a walrus.

The head arching upwards, not with the horns, more like a seal, maybe, then. And the size... Well, there's three-quarters of the length of Hermione's hand. I think we have to call that medium by any stretch of the imagination, bang on medium properly. It's a complicated art, as I'm saying. If there's something you will pick up as you go,

I said, of course, there are a lot of emails, not this Dominic... ...table. Just checked his name again. I wasn't just trying to remember it. I got all the emails laid out in front of me. Brian... No, not Brian, there's a lot of those.

I've got someone who wants to call Brian, but I've been reading a lot of Brian's email. Stem. Said, I've been stone clearing in Anglesey for a while in Anglesey, that's good. And I've cleared over seven stones in the four months I've been doing this. That's quite slow work, Brenda.

I am very proud of this work, as I have very limited mobility. Sorry, I wasn't... No, that's fine. Seven is good. I have to crawl through the field. Okay. That's very admirable. Please do ensure you're not harming yourself

by stone clearing. Make sure you do have to be... I'm not... No, I mean, anyone can do it. But please, you know... No, anyone can do it. I don't want to damn bake a situation here. It's good, Brenda. I mean, it's good.

I'm sorry to give you a duress as well. That might allow people to work out who you are. No, I've changed in there. It's in Anglesey. She comes from Poland, Poland. So, it's fine. Probably a lot of Brenda's stems. In Poland.

We just had to come up to the pole, coincidentally, where I've tried to throw stones. I've got three... Those three big-ish ones I've collected on my way, and they're going on the can that never seems to grow, no matter how many stones I've put on it. There they go. I've got one left over,

one big-ish one left over for the pole. I'm just going to pick up a couple of tiddlers. I've just got it on the car. I'm going to do it in three. I'll start with the smaller ones, working my way for the big ones. Got one big one. I mean, these are very small, small.

I mean, they're small, small, medium, and that's missed by a long way. That's a very small, small, small mist. The bigger one... Oh, it's missed as well. It seems to have got worse at this. This looks like a bit of chopped-off potato. It's not, it's a stone,

and you may have heard a clink there, but that was not... That was against the fence. Come on, Rich. Concentrate. Two more chances. What was the dog coming... Oh, and hits it.

With that, hits it twice. What a genius. And there's a man coming with the dog. Come on, Wolves. Come, Wolfie. Luckily, the dog got in the other direction, but very nearly caught there, due to my slowness,

I mean, she must have heard the clack of stone upon wood. I wondered what on earth was going on, but I think I got away with it. Come on, Wolfie. Heading off in the other direction, giving me a chance to pick up one more stone from the path,

just to hopefully put on the big can. Going to pub tonight to talk to the nursery school committee about a few things. I won't be drinking myself. I'm still free of alcohol so far this year. The stone clearing, of course, I've been working in two directions.

30 pounds I've lost in weight, which is two stone, two pounds. So, doing quite well. I can recommend this as a diet. I would also say the chocolate booze, crisps, and all the other stuff I've stopped eating might also have contributed.

Surprisingly, nice, medium-small come up from the path there. There's about three about that size. Oh, I'm getting quite dirty. My lovely new jacket's getting quite dirty. Shouldn't really come out in nice clothes. Luckily, it's a fairly wipe-of-all, waterproof material,

so we should be okay. This is the day it's just coming in your trendy clothes. I haven't come out in my trendy clothes in the hope of impressing a female dog walker getting in on the action. You might think that just because I suddenly, oh, is he suddenly wearing trendy clothes? It's just because I was out in these clothes.

I'm not just trying to use my new slimline physique and posh clothes to lure him. So I'm expecting dog walker out here on the field looking for some fun. And to be honest, you know, it doesn't mean much. Today, anyway,

maybe I'm just too late. The good ones are gone by now. You know, thanks to the ladies and the man I've seen so far, but come on. That's a perspective. Um... Come on.

And, yeah, the crops on this side seem even higher. No one around, though. So, well, you know, whatever you think about today's podcast, we've got a very helpful new system of stone measurements. Not perfect, but we're perfecting it.

Oh, and that's, again, a surprisingly large stone plant there. From the path, though, because I can't really get into the field. I mean, I could try. It's almost like, though, that there's a wall of plants here. And it's forming a barrier

that may be impenetrable. I remember all this when it was a field with no crops on it, and it was better for stone clearing than it is now, because, you know, sure, I could step out there, I could look between the gaps.

I could find a few stones if I really tried, but... It's very off-putting. And it's quite hard to see where the ditch that stopped Brexit begins. Um... The weeds, this thing here, they're just kind of white, sort of colourful hour-like

tops. Um, they're high. They're as high as my black belly button, many of them. I think here's the bitch that stopped Brexit. Oh, yes, there's a satisfying click there. I always like it when it clicks.

I've thrown two little stones in there, and I'm saving this very medium. They're almost a quassorn in shape. Um, they're the claw of a really big crab. It'll be a very small quassorn, the kind of quassorn you get in a hotel buffet.

And they don't want to give you a whole quassorn, but what you do then, you just take two, don't you? So I think we might be better off having normal sized quassorns. No, we're going to take two of those, but people often take more than they want, because they think, well, that's a small quassorn.

I'll have two, might have three of those. Not me, because I'm only like, oh, a crab claw. It's more much like a crab claw. And that's going to go on my opening can, if I can see it. Well, that didn't sound like it hit anything. Did it, Wolfie?

Right, Wolfs. Come here, get your glee back on. Did you do a poo? I didn't see you do one. If you did it, you did it out on the field though, so that's good news. Oh, look how dirty I am. This is going to miss.

I'm going to pick up women on the field. At least dog walking women. But there you go. I'm not trying to do that. I'm trying to clear stones. I'm not interested in worldly pursuits. And the flesh has little interest to me. And when I am a stone man, everything's going to be placed by stone.

Yeah, including that, mate. And it'll take a lot of stones, or quite a big stone, I guess. A really big stone, though, too. And then two other stones. But once on that, that's it, isn't it? I'm only going to be having sex with stone ladies

and poor men. But there aren't any others as what I'm saying. That's the main thing. I might just go without gender. I don't know how you really would attach. That's going to be the difficulty. I might need some sinews or something, I guess. We'll work it out.

There might be some wire or something, but that will over the time that will rust away. We'll work it out. The science is still in its early stages. I'd just have to work that in the next 20 or 30 years. And the more I walk, the more healthier I get,

the longer I have a chance of living. The longer we have a chance of becoming a stone man, who does this for us forever? I can't get vocal chords out of stone. That's going to be tricky. I mean, it is tricky. No one's saying it's going to be easy.

So, just approaching the house now. The sun shining on the upper windows. Glaring in my eyes. The sun's still up. We've been out here for 35 minutes. It's a beautiful little out here, I have to say. And I hope you've enjoyed the walkthrough.

I know that... Sorry that I haven't read out many of the emails. There's a lot of people emailing in about their own stone clearing stuff. Basil. Just in the herb garden at the moment. I'm currently in Wellington.

Basil Wellington has been in touch. I've been stone clearing for longer than you, Rich. Well, it's not how long you've stone cleared. It's how well you've stone cleared, Basil. And I've cleared better than you. Well, that's not for you to say.

I've cleared a million stones in one day. I don't believe you, Basil. And I don't really like stone clearing. I really like it. Well, then go away, you know. This isn't for you to stop listening to my podcast. Stop emailing in.

You're not as good as you think you are across the deck. Basil Wellington. Right, well, I'll just give the dogs some food. And then I think we can call this a little day for ourselves. Can't we, Wolves? Do you have a good time out there? Yeah, good girl.

Do you like meeting that other doggy? Yeah, chicken and lamb tonight. What do you think? Not many more of these left because you're an adult. Now this is junior food. Enjoy pretending to be young. That's what I've been doing, dressing my fine, knowing.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the stone clearing podcast. There will be more of this next week. And maybe some responses that I might mention soon. Maybe just waiting for those funds to clear before Chris Evans, not that one. Can you ask me to let me know about it?

I'm so dirty. I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening. Enjoy your stone clearing. Keep emailing in herring97.gmail.com. But it's more important than that. It's good as long as someone is clearing stones.

I thought I'd care about as long as it's not for Wellington to have my game. Bye. Stone Coat with Richard Herring starred me with Wolfie the dog and there was a couple and then was there another lady? I can't remember.

I'm recording this the day later. Thank you to Michael Koskame for writing that music. Thank you to the voice of the Photons, Michael Faheen. Thanks for watching.