Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 30

Episode Date: July 9, 2019

Chapter 30: Judy Murray Assignation. It's approaching 5pm on 8th July 2019 and Richard Herring has hurt his big toe, but nothing can stop him stone clearing, not even the prickly plants that are threatening to take him down like the Triffids they dream of being. Richard has to get home to take over childcare and is also risking a curse by making his first harvest of stones to take off the field for (un)lucky kickstarters, so maybe he is a little distracted. But he also wants to risk a major daylight transgression, but will the mother of Andy and Jamie Murray turn up to thwart him? And is Prince Andrew going to start stone-clearing soon? Before this episode you would have said that was unlikely. But with stone clearing anything can happen.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Hello and welcome to chapter 30. It's the 8th of July. This might be the last Stone Clearing podcast of my 51s. It's five to five in the evening. It's a late night podcast. I'm going to try and do a reasonably quick one as I'm taking care of the children in 34 minutes. So, will I be home in time? Will I have paid some stones in time? That is the question. I have the good news is I have located my archeological trowel. My wife had hidden it. Not deliberately, I don't think, but it's hard to know. She knows what the true significance of this thing is. But I'm out again in just my swimming trunks t-shirt and some old running shoes.

I had a foot injury. I played football against my daughter yesterday. I was just wearing my socks and I managed to keep the ground inside the ball. I'm passing through a pathway with nettles either side, which is pretty dangerous for a bare-legged man as myself. I haven't really thought it through and I made a gathering. I put a bag with me today so I might gather a few stones for the Kickstarter awards. They may not go off the field. We'll see how that sounds to you as we go. The field is almost an impenetrable wall. I may come down some of these trackways later if there's nobody around. The corn or wheat, whatever it is, the wheat, I suppose, is right up to my hip area. Really, the other stones I can readily see are the ones in the park ahead of me. Let's get one of those up. It's a tiddler, but some of your favorite ones. That one is going in my bag.

This is the first, I think, of 152 stones I have to correct. It'll be interesting to see if the curse takes effect. I'm going to try and do this bit by bit. I was never going to do all 155 today. Some of you have paid for slightly larger stones, as is a sensible idea. Are you pooing out there? Wolfs, what are you doing? Wolfie, just standing still amongst the corn. I'm calling it corn today and it is wheat. I'm pretty sure it's wheat. The first one I threw out there, I like to throw against that fence. I nearly cleared the fence then. That was my whoops.

Not too much to report at this stage of the proceedings. I could take a little step out into the field. Someone seems to have there some of the crop now. It's been caught on the lotion. They're like some kind of plant-based enemy trying to get to me. I'm still throwing some of these stones where they belong. I do feel bad and wrong about taking the stones away from the field. There are no rules to stone cloning. That is the first rule of stone cloning. The second rule is that it is forbidden upon pain, of curse, to take stones away from the field.

Yet here I am doing it because I look at the first rule of stone cloning. That's where I often find myself heading back. I'm looking at the U.S. Constitution or the Bible. A lot of things contradict other things and you have to decide what's the most important. Should you be able to have slaves? I say no. The Bible says yes. They're in the commandment. I choose to ignore those commandments because A, I can't afford to have slaves.

I don't want to keep them. I think it's also a problem that I've already wanted to have slaves. God wouldn't notice that when he was writing the Ten Commandments for me. If he was a good guy. That's why I don't follow that particular God. Stone God's commandments are less fraught. The rules of stone cloning are made by man. Man is capable of making mistakes.

So I tend to just judge it if I'm being hailed on by the stone gods with stones made of ice. Then I think I've done something wrong. If I'm not, then it's alright. That's the way I look at it and that's only happened once. I'm not sure exactly what it was about. I'm getting pricked. My daughter, I think I've told you, thinks the prickle is a swear word. So every time I get pricked, I do quite enjoy thinking about that.

I'm going through a little war, dear. Really, how the original stone clothes did all of this make it, I do not know. I have bare arms and bare legs and I'm taking the brunt of this. They're staying there, nice, medium, small, small, thrown onto the corner can, which is one of the few ones still visible. It hasn't really been overgrown, but all around it there is high crops and weeds. But good to stay still, standing okay. Right, five or six minutes in.

It should be okay. I think this is going to be a shortish one. I don't have much to tell you about. I mean, I think hopefully you've picked up most of the tips you need by the 30th podcast. Hopefully from now on, you should be enjoying the sounds of a man walking and not walking in a field. Good girls. But we may get into a little adventure later on in the podcast, so we'll see how that goes. If I survive without being stung to death by some mystery poisonous plant, a plant that does feel like they're closing in on me.

They know what I'm trying to do. They know that ultimately I'm trying to defeat them and they're not going to take it standing. I don't understand enough to feel. I think as long as more go off and come with me, then we can feel that I haven't transgressed too quickly. And my commitment to you, the listeners of the people who are backed, that kickstarter is greater than to the stones. And that is a compliment indeed, my friends. Well, the stones are more important to me than my family. And there we are.

We're at the camp opposite the big camp. You can picture that. It is just completely hidden away. I actually find a good medium, medium, medium there, which will sit nicely on the pile. But that pile is well beneath the plants. It's not visible, which suits me really. So again, we're heading across the field now. This is the shortcut way.

I'm going to do a bit of lobbing. Do be careful if you do this at home. First rule of thumb clearing is there are no rules to thumb clearing. The second rule, of course, is to not throw stones. If people or animals are around, it doesn't matter about plants. Try and hit as many of those as you can. Or if you're not engaging in the game of chasing the more sheet droppings down here weirdly. I'm going to grab it now there, possibly.

I'm going to rodent it. I'm throwing here probably 25 feet. Most of them reaching the edge of the field. This is a good place, of course, to pick up and transport a few. Once we're out of throwing distance. More poo here than that horse poo. Some animals have been coming down here shitting. That's all I know.

I did not approve of that amongst crops. That seems wrong. I mean, yes, of course, this is a very excellent use of the bag system. When I started thumb clearing, I would often come on this path with a bag for life. Big sturdy one. This is a plastic one from Tesco. It does have a hole in it already. It's not the perfect stone carrying bag.

Part of the reason that initial can got so big is I would walk across here twice a day and pick up all the big stones I could find, carry them in a bag, and deposit them. It was a very rapid way to grow that original big can. I come less often now for my mental health. I don't mind telling you that times this enterprise has taken its toll. I find you should set the number of stone clears a week that you can do whilst remaining sane. It's quite an important thing to do. Actually, I seem to have taken a wrong path here.

It's a little bit confusing as to where you should cross the field, but I'm not heading directly for the can. I'm going to get it from myself. So this is quite good. I'm seeing some stones that I might not otherwise have seen. I'm picking up a couple of good stones in the medium range. Sort of the size of a Hermione hand palm, both of these. And they will find their way onto an actual can.

I'm doing a little bit of taking for Peter and giving to Paul over the phrases. Giving with one hand, taking with the other, whatever the phrase you'd like to choose could be. But definitely heading for a different part of the field than usual. Although it is about to curve off and I think rejoin the proper path. Not actually that second an area in stone terms, which is some parts, unexplored parts of this field I go to and find an abundance of stones. This one, this particular place, we're not overwhelmed. For goodness, I've got my trusty archeological child back.

The wall paper stripper was not really in use to me. And yes, now spinning back round, I'm going to slightly crops through and talk. Now it takes those difficult to see, but it is heading back towards the proper path. And I might come back here as we come down the field. In order to reap a little. And no great surprises yet in terms of size. That's what all this is. And as I say that, the one that's a bit bigger than I expected has come up. There, these will go nicely on the central can.

So not the central can to make it all. I'm in trouble that somebody is coming up the path I was hoping to circumvent. As you can possibly see me. So we'll dump these guys onto my main can and maybe just head back this way. We'll try and just look innocently like we're going this way. I hope she isn't coming this way. It's a lady, which is, you know, exciting in some ways. A good thing about having this bag like that can hide my trowel there.

Which I have no idea what I'm doing because really I can't go through that. And that's where I want to go down there. So we'll manage it. It's a bit like Andy Murray's mother. I might be in a Wimbledon frame of mind. Or Andy Murray's mother might have joined the Sloan Stasi and be able to get me. It's hard to tell. Oh, there's a beauty there.

And it's raining so it's possible you know it. Come on down. Good girl. We'll come back. So all of us are coming this way as well. I've been well and truly zugs-wanged here. There's another dog walk coming this way. Come on down.

There's another female. That Memphis is going to be my lucky day. I'm obviously a... If it is, I probably won't put this podcast out. I mean, I won't do it because I'm married. I'm going to have to play a little skill here. Next up is... Hello.

Yeah, my good friend. Hi there. David there. That young lady was more kind of Prince Andrew style than mine. So... This podcast will probably be okay to go out, I would guess. So this Andy Murray's mum's, you know... Little...

I think something's wrong with wheat. Oh, what are we? Where have you gone? Come here. A little tweet in the weeks. That's not what I'm trying to say. A little... Trust I think of as a nation that rhymes with wheat.

I am actually now... Yeah, that looks a bit weird. I'm going to turn around because I want to go about that way. But it looks like I'm following this child. And that's weird. He wouldn't... Yeah, I mean, it's taken a strange direction, I think. But I will go back this way because I think now she's heading off.

And I did spot some good specimens along here that I could quite grab due to the pincer movement. And I'm now hoping that there will be no one around like a wind my way through the fields with no one suspecting what I am up to. I hope I can spot that message that I passed on the way here. There's another one here that I'll take. It's a reasonable bit of flint.

I'll take that one home with me. And, you know, I've got a fair few stands in my bag. Plenty of small ones. That's a good... That's a good... Here we go. This is the baby I was after. They're not quite...

They're a bit flatter than I hoped. They look promising on the outside, but basically they're the opposite of an iceberg. All... On top of the stochem, nothing, Billy. I think now I might be safe to... Try my luck away from the edge. And last time I did come down here without my child,

I did spot some nice possibilities. So I'll just deposit these two mediums that I've gathered. Try and make them build a little wall down towards... Andy, my mum's far away now. It wasn't to me, Judy. Maybe another time. Maybe when would... I mean, when would a week's probably the...

You've got other things on your mind. Andy's doing well with Serena. Of course, if you're following the tenets. So I'm taking this chance now. I can't see anybody around. So everywhere you look, things look like they're people. Finally, little sign, I'm just going to chuck back to the edge. Everyone counts.

Everyone makes a difference. And let's see where we get to heading down the field. And immediately, bang. And a spear, head, thighs, or stone that I've thrown, and it hasn't gone to the edge. That's annoying. Just slightly slide it all in. This is a nice one.

I mean, these are dangerously large stones. Wolfie actually chasing these. That one not quite got to the edge, but hopefully we'll pick that up on another occasion. I could just pop these in my bag, of course. I wanted to be a little more safe. Let's go for a little one. It's in a leg shape.

And again, the poor throw. So maybe just the tension of transgressing onto the field without being seen out here. Throwing my throwing arm right up. This one looks like a bone. Wolfie should like this. It will be. And that's the first one to clear to the edge.

So that's good news. Another medium-sized one goes to the edge. And I'm glory-hunting a little bit here. I'm trying to see if I can find some bigger stones. Not happening so far, so I'll chuck that on. This, of course, means that I'm going to have to aim for the ditch that stops Brexit from some distance. Kind of problematic.

This stone's not enough. This stone looks bigger than it appears. Oh yes, that's a good size for there. That's missing in the face with a bit of silt. I'll put that one in my bag and then fish it out later. It's not leaving the field. It's just that I don't want to throw that from this distance. Not that big, baby.

I'm not as big as I hoped, but still a good medium-size. No monsters for a while even though it's on the podcast. Or, indeed, really outside of the podcast and my other stone clearing. I don't podcast every single thing I do. I'm not mental. I'm about even with the ditch that stops Brexit now, so I'm going to have to chuck a few willy-nilly. Probably would not have gone by the stone maypole today,

so this is going to have to be a bit of a cheer if I can get into the ditch that stops Brexit from here. Then Brexit will be delayed further. That's gone in and that's a bit closer. And that one might have done it, to be fair. So I would say we'll take it that if Brexit happens, you can blame today's podcast. Maybe I'm not as much down here as I was hoping.

There's an L-shaped stone there, or a 7, or if you go on a 7 or a 6, they take that one. So if they like stones, my son does love them and both my kids like stones and collecting them. My son seems particularly interested, which I can't say I'm not pleased about, because I am pleased. He's been passed down.

He doesn't have an archaeological trial. He works just by hand. I'm just picking up a few loose ones. Now you venture back through the actual weeks. If we could actually hide enough now, the prickly part, but it's not actually prickly only too much, if you're interested. I've gathered five nice sizes,

three nice sizes and three small ones, maybe. Two nice sizes and three small ones. And then there's another one in my bag. Out! Typical, just got stung. Actually, one of those nice sizes is just two mediums together. One is shattered slightly as I throw it down. Let's put all those on there.

Let's get one more big one. There's a big one there. And all the care is looking slightly pathetic up against nature. But that has helped a little bit. Well, there we go. It's been a short one today. I have just finally been stung just for the last minute. If that was a triphid, I'd be in trouble now

unless the poison has been removed. It was a farm triphid. I haven't gone across my eyes, I can see, but bang, right across my leg, lost him. No bay leaves or dock leaves or whatever I need. That's the one in it, dock leaves around. Saved me. So, you know, probably 20 stones there off the field

for some lucky people. I don't think you'll be getting these for a little while, my friends. If you expect them, you might have heard your stone be collected and gathered. And so far, I'm moving away from the field and so far no curse has performed on me. But they're disappointing in some ways today. I was hoping that little transgression across the field would be a bit more exciting.

Maybe a farmer would arrive with his gun. But what are you doing there? Chased me off. It would be an interesting. Hi there, you guys. Come on, wolves. Good girl. That's one of my neighbors.

Not really aware of what I've been doing. Treat me as if I'm a normal man. It's worth smiling at. And another of my neighbors with his thumb on his shoulder is coming towards me. So I'm going to have to be a little quiet before he's waving, because I'm going to doggie up the road. Hello.

Right. Hello, are you all right? Nice and high up there. Well, yeah, for all intents and purposes, I seem like a regular member of the village. I don't think that little boy knew my secret. I think even though he looked at me quite impressed, just for having a dog, I think he would be

somewhat more impressed if he knew just what a maverick I was. But there we go. Very few emails in this week, so I can't really let you know about those. Oh, I should say, there's loads of food there, Wolfs. Simon Dyson,

he's been in touch to say, what are the ethics which are taking stones off the field really, I mean, I know you're doing that for your kickstarter people. Won't your family see the stones and become suspicious? And also, what about the curse? Well, I'm not worried. I've been so far uncursed. It seems to be going okay.

I'm happy to say the rest, to be honest. And thanks for very mailing in, Simon Dyson there. I do coincidentally have a Dyson. I know you prefer to be a Brexit. Okay, there's, my son has just done poo. He's going to his nappy change, being chided there for having a dirty nappy, which is only right.

So, I think I'll leave it there. It's been a dullish, shortish episode. That's why I break the habit of a lifetime. Thank you for listening. And we'll be back next time with more photon clearing with Richard. Goodbye. Stone Clearing with Richard Herring

starred me, Richard Herring and Wolfie the Dog. It also featured the lady from A Distance who looked like Judy Murray and the Prince Andrews girlfriend and some people in the street. The music is by Michael Coff Grave and the voice of the Photones is Michael Faheen. Thank you.