Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 38

Episode Date: October 1, 2019

Chapter 38 - STP. It's the evening of the last day of September 2019 and the conditions are damp. Richard and Wolfie go out to see if the Brexit ditch can have as much effect on world events as it clearly did last week and whether Boris Johnson has found the way to dampen its magic. There are more medieval aphorisms to help you with your stone clearing and some amazing discoveries including a very big stone, a stone that seems to have writing on it (a warning from the stone?) and a heart-shaped stone which seems to be encouraging Richard to carry on. Mixed messages from the world of geology perhaps. But Richard presses on, even though his wife nearly catches him in the act, which could be a marriage-ending moment. Please again, no w*nking to this podcast.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Come on Wolfie Harris, good girl, are you excited? Excited to go out, come on then. Come on. Alright, let's do this thing. Okay, good girl. Good girl. Hello and welcome to another chapter of Stone Clearing with Richard Herring. Wolfie is very desperate to get to the field today.

I think she may have a big wee in her. Alright, it is the last day of September. Do you remember the 30th day of September? It is 5.43pm. The conditions today are damp. Just some drizzle coming down. I hope it doesn't get too bad as I'm wearing my non-wattish jacket. Walkers off, up the pathway.

And we're here to see what bounty there is in the fairly newly powered field. Obviously, there is a very wet field. There is the wee. That does add a dimension in terms of clay mud. And of course, there has been some adventures this last few podcasts, but we're going to try and get back to basics. Okay, yeah. An educational podcast for potential stone clearers. Hopefully free of people trying to disrupt my work.

Just, you know, try to come up with some new phrases and rules, because there are no rules that will help you become as good as stone clearers. Straight onto the field and straight away I see an alabaster stone, which I toss onto the pile back there. There's a couple more here. Nobody around. Some good stones. I mean, it's spoiled for choice, of course, as we have been since the plan.

Goals. Yeah, the ground very soft. I'm sinking. It's a bit like quicksand. I'm passing 100 stones every step. Basically, nice ones that you'd really like to pick up and throw. Oh, we're getting excited by the thought. There goes another one. Just tossing these to the edge.

No real plan for the wall that will surely develop over time. Let gravity create its own wall. That's my motto, one of my many mottos. And of course, many people find it difficult to remember what elements can be removed from the field and what can't. So, I'm trying to remember this, and you're saying this helps me. If it's a stone, it must be thrown. If it's soil, leave that on the boil.

Of course, boil, B-O-Y-L-E is an Anglo-Saxon word, meaning field. You do need to know that further. I've arrived to work. We'll be doing another way. That's two in as many minutes. Oh, and there's a big iceberg sticking out here. Oh my goodness, that is a hefty stone. That is the size of a partially deflated football.

A child's football, bloody hell. Properly heavy, that one. I've got to find a nice place to put that. So, there are some monsters, I'll put it in there. There are some monsters revealing themselves within the field. That's just right at the edge as well, so who knows what's... Certainly the top five biggest stones I've ever found on this field, they're straight away. And you can see from my...

I'm not all that excited about it, how many stones there are here. That even that monster just lying there waiting for me. It does not excite. Of course, me. I get too excited. Okay, a little bit of a walk out into the field now, just to see what's going on. The rain is coming down quite heavily, might be to hear it pick the path turning on my jacket. Jack is very annoying me that the zip keeps it sticky.

I'm going to try and deal with that. I'm getting mud on my lovely jacket as I do that. Oh dear. That's no good as it will slightly rip the jacket inside. Poor design by Paul Smith. Yeah, I dress in very fine clothing. I've never done the same thing again. I've done the same thing again.

Cheese please. We're going to keep moving and just get wet. Oh, sorry Ernie. Ernie, Wolfie. I mean... Ow! Ah! Big... Rose there.

Cracked me in the head as I bent down. And then scratched the back of this jacket. It's getting a bit of a beating today. It's fairly unpleasant conditions out here. But... For a stone tire, that's just part and parcel of the job. Another saying you may have heard from the stone tire. If the weather be fine, then make ye some wine.

If the weather be rainy, then... Hold on, I'm just picking up some stones. I'm not trying to think of what the end of that is. If the weather be rain, then go stone clearing again. That's the famous round you've probably heard. These are all old, as old as the hills, passed down from one stone to another. Sometimes father to child, mother to child. Sometimes just older guy to younger child.

In a weird way. It's just what a teacher is, isn't it? Someone's teaching people things, that's weird. Interesting, I've been a tackle of this in this. Nice big stone there. One of the ones that I cleared. Maybe that's the big one I cleared the other day. I've decided a couple of little ones towards there.

Pretty miserable out here, that that's the way of this world. And all these fences back here that were burnt down, just maybe a month ago, all repaired now. Brand new fences there, they're old to see. And they've taken another little hassle off out into the field. But to be honest, the work here is just too much for unperson. This stone looks like it has initials written on there. I think it's just nature's done it.

There's an S and a T and a P on there. But just written by nature, is that stone telling me to stop what I'm doing? Because it was, why didn't it put an O in there? That's probably the easiest. All the letters for nature to draw. So I'm saying it's not, I'm saying it's just a coincidence. And with the fire cleared, all the vegetation,

we can get to see quite a lot of nice little cairns. Building up along this part, we're always just throwing things fairly casually into undergrowth. Nice mini walls developing here. All these stones pretty easy to lift. I think you can tell from the exertion to the early one, how big that stone was. And to think out here, there must be just something mammoth,

something unliftable, something I might need to wait for my daughter and son to be able to help me lift once I've indoctrinated them into the family business. Oh, it is nice to be back out here. You know, the grind of real life, being a parent, being, doing a job, can get you down.

It's nice just to come and do something that seems simple, but is incredibly complex. Here's the cairn at the edge of the field. A couple of new nice stones out into that. Quite a change down my trainers, I have to say into my wellies, at least I thought to do that. Because I am getting bogged down here. But you know what they say,

if you find yourself in a bog, you must walk like a hog. If he ground, she is solid, then work like a mollid. And mollid, of course, is a, that's an Anglo-Saxon word for kind of mosquito, very fast buzzing, midge. Probably know that.

There was more things to rhyme in those days. So it's a good way of rhyming a bit easier. If you look at these words up in any decent Anglo-Saxon diction, you will find them there. A lovely big stone there off the edge of the field. That's from a year or so ago. But it has been under growth. I think actually there's been some pruning as well going on here.

Which is why I'm seeing a lot of old friends. So I'm going to add just a tiny stone to that. That big one. Certainly that one is also the top five of the stones I've ever found in size terms. Can we cross in the field in a second? I don't think I'm going to pick up too many stones today, as they are very dirty.

I'll cling them to my body, but it will be tempting to do so. Because there are some beauties out here on display. Mainly having to clear by hand due to the sticky conditions out here. The dread of the rain. I'm going to be ejaculating. I think a lot of people did find the last podcast quite sexy.

So please, I can remind you once again, please know it is forbidden one. There are no rules to stone pruning. That is actually the first role of stone pruning. One of the rules is you must not mess the bait to another person's stone clearing. It's just not appropriate. But even with permission, and you do not have permission, even with consent that it is still considered a stone salt.

I'm just kicking a couple of stones off the path, those good sized ones. That one that may have hit the base of the tree, it bounced off, went on its own way. So still, even in these awful conditions, it's still very exciting to be out with so much together. I'm not going to be going as tempting as I am. I wish I had the time to go to the Longwood Rainfield.

We all do a podcast about that quite soon. Partly just because I can clear stones without having to carry them right across the field. But here we go across in the field. We're not going up to see what wonders have been revealed by the plough further up yonder. The path already formed across here. That's how quickly it happens.

Just in one week, what was just ploughed up soil has become a path again. I'm tossing from a distance here. That one didn't go any near the edge. That one, careful, will be trying to catch these like an idiot. Do be careful about throwing stones around excited dogs. And yeah, just very little in the way it bounced. So you have to, if you're tossing,

and remember that's the throwing stones got a tossing there, the tossing of the lab. You do need to clear the field or the stud like that. It's just a shot put into the mud. Still, those all got closer to the edge than they were. Is that what you're going to do? Oh, there's a doggy coming. Come on, Moose.

Let me down. I don't see my dirty hand if I'm not careful. So I have to hide that away. Red-trousered woman or man, I'm not sure yet. Come on, good girl. We'll be eight. All right, there you are. We'll be something silly.

Come on. Good girl. Come on, sweetie. Good girl. Come on. And the path has disappeared again. So it hasn't been fully formed within the week. It was a red-trousered lady.

She said, too exciting if you don't know if you think that up. Referring to the dogs. So picking up a couple of... They'll make me in the face. That's not on. A couple of little ones picking up there just for the fun of it. I'll carry those to the edge or close to. And looking out.

Oh, there's a biggie. That's too big to ignore. I'm medium, medium, medium. That's all we're talking about. It's not going to be a difficult carousel down. There's someone coming. He's going to have to dump that load. Another person coming.

Ah, they came the other way. Whoops. They're coming. So I'm actually going to go back for my three stones that I threw to the ground. I think I'll get away with it. They're playing that complicated game of chess with me once again. I picked up a fourth big chunky there. Like a big birthday cake made of stone.

I'm carrying all those four stones part of top each other. And passing so many more that I can unfortunately not carry this time. What a shame. Oh, but look at that one. Maybe I can just manage one in the other hand. Oh, it called to me. I answered the call. And here we are with five nice stones and just passing ever and ever more beauties.

What a shame to leave these behind. What if I were to die before these stones could be picked? John Keats, of course, had a similar thought. If I should die before my hands have picked up all the stones or I want that one as well. I'm getting greedy. I'm going to pick a second tower. On the other hand, this is a nice sort of flat, but large stone that falls in a nice plinth. If I should die before my hands have picked up the teeming stones that lie on the fields

that here and there. John Keats owed to stone clearing. For stone clearing, of course, he called it in his time. One of his lesser known works actually hidden away by many scholars who felt it was just an aberration of madness or dropped to the stones and close enough to come back to those babies. And believe me, I will. So these guys all just from forming the wall down the field and no, leave no stone unturned. Leave no stone behind.

Those are the rules. The heart shape is rather beautiful. Might actually get my camera out. Because in these difficult times, it is nice to remember how beautiful the world can be. And sometimes they say stop on them. STP. That means it could be pits, couldn't it? That's trying to say not stop.

So you're assuming stop. I am not assuming that. Be careful not to stop them recording. It's beautiful heart shape stone. It will form the photo for this. Still recording so far, Wolfie. So hopefully that'll be okay. They speak to the stone.

Sometimes with words, sometimes with shakes. Sometimes they just whisper to you, Richard, pick me up. Again, missing the stone mate pole today. Sorry for that. I know a lot of people like that part of the podcast. Just imagine I'll throw in. I'll do it against just a regular pillar over here. I'll miss.

I hit the vent. It's not as exciting. It has to be the real one. I accept that now. I'm just kicking a few extra stones. I walked down to the ditch that stopped Brexit, which has a phenomenal amount of power last week. I think because I put 11 stones in there, if you count them, and the next day, 11 judges decided that Brexit must be stopped.

They said it was nothing really Brexit. We all know it was. Each stone took human form, went to the Supreme Court to stop Boris Johnson. Now, I have been thinking about Boris Johnson a little bit this week. He is my stone enemy and my human enemy as well. An enemy also. It's interesting that the ditch that stopped Brexit has managed to stop Brexit so many times, but also didn't strike me with that phrase he used,

I'd rather be dead in a ditch than fail to see this through, whatever the rest of it was. Dead in a ditch, is that a coincidence? I don't think anyone could see this as a coincidence now. There are too many parallels, too many coincidences in inverted commas because they are not very carefully thought out things. My worry is that by saying that Boris Johnson knows where my ditch is and knows the only way to counteract it, like the Voldemort,

is to use his actual human body and die in the ditch and then Brexit will happen. So, I'm doing all I can to look out for Boris Johnson on the field. If he is here, I will try and kill him with my magic wand, which I don't think anyone will complain about because it's my land. He should understand that more than anyone. And no man should mess with another man's stones. I'm not prepared to give him any kind of lessons here on the field. Even for how much money he gives me, that is not what I'm about.

Here is the ditch that has so successfully thwarted Brexit. It's a shame in a way I wasn't here before 2016 and then it can just stop the whole thing happening altogether. And having three, I mean I may have to put eleven stones in it every time I pass now. Five, six, seven. It's not magic, it's all science. Eight, nine. And this is for each of the High Court judges.

Perhaps they can go back to their stone form now. It's interesting that one of those judges looked like she'd come out of a ditch, didn't she? Spiders were cornered over her. Coincidence again, no. It all fits together. So as long as we can keep Boris Johnson out of that ditch, I think we'll be okay. But there's always that final reel where the villain gets their way, isn't it, before the hero comes and stops it also.

I think you haven't heard the last of Boris Johnson. That is my guess. As he fights against my stones. So coming to the end of the field, and have a look as soon as there's any beauties just to add to the care at the edge of the field. I've got one, not a lot round here, actually, weirdly. And it's looking quite healthy, so I'll just put the one on. Be happy with that.

All right, Boris, let's get this back on. Sorry about my dirty paw. If you get your emails coming in, they've been flooding in, possibly answers them all. Brian Drizzle has been in touch. He's just congratulating me about stopping Brexit. I'm not going to read that out. He loves the podcast.

We won't be reading that out, Brian. I don't want to flattery some questions that I can answer. He worries about getting that stone blindness when there's so many stones that there are at this time of year. If your field has been plowed, if it hasn't, sorry, if we're going to be showing off about my field as we've been plowed. Yours will be too, don't worry. It comes to a source. Yeah, sometimes there are so many stones you can't even see the stones, Brian.

That is a very wise thing. You can't see the stones for the stones. The stones just mould into becoming looking at the field. And at the moment, that's what my field is. It's like it's a field of stone. I can tell you there is some soil, and it's because some of that soil is on my dirty fingers now. But you just have to focus, Brian. And the stone gods shall reward you if you believe enough.

Sometimes plenty can be the worst punishment of all for the stone clearer. So you have to learn to appreciate the times and the stones, a class tight in the jaws of the earth where they're difficult to find. Enjoy those moments. Because sometimes you just have too many stones and you can't cope with it. I know that. I know a lot of good stone clearers who've ended up consigned to mental hospitals because they haven't been able to just cope with that sheer volume of stones

that we're doing from the earth beneath the crops. But I'm coping pretty well. Just keep mentally strong to do this job. Don't wear Paul Smith jackets when you're doing it. It's just, you know, half of Casey's. The stones will not like that. Hello darling. Hello, Casey.

Oh, I'm just talking to myself, don't I? Casey's there. I'm expectedly just moving some stuff on that side of the kitchen. So she heard me talking to myself. I'll have to come up with some kind of cover to, you know, the part of the house at the moment so I can talk to you for now. I'll just shut the door so she can't hear me. I think she looked to me a bit weirdly then, like, hopefully.

I've been a bit mad recently anyway. I've had some weird fainting, a bit of sleepwalking, so hopefully she'll just think it's me being mad rather than those. Anyway, she's coming in. I'm going to have to go. Thanks for the emails. See you next time on Stone Clearing. Bye. Shush, Wolfie, don't give it away.

Stone Clearing with Richard Haring started me Richard Haring and Wolfie the dog passed that lady walking the dog who said the dog was excited. And the man in a distance. And my wife towards the end also. The music is by Mike Coffgrave. The voice of the Photones is Michael Faheen. Stop doing that, Wolfie.

You're not meant to be in the credits as well.