Stone Clearing With Richard Herring - Chapter 77

Episode Date: September 23, 2020

Chapter Feventy-Feven: Jamef Hunt and Niki...... It's 7.48am on 23rd September 2020 and the prospect of second lockdown hangs heavy on the fhoulders of everyone but the stone clearer. He lives by the rules of the field, not the rules of the BJ. There is a surprise celebrity guest out on the stocean today and some wise sayings about blackberries and shelves. Plus an email from one of our foreign listeners. Plus quite a lot of awkward silence. It's everything you could want and more.

Stone Clearing with Richard Herring Welcome to the 23rd of September 2020. It's 7.48 am. I believe this is chapter 77. Maybe it's 78. I should check before I come out. It's been raining overnight. Quite heavily. The ground should be damp. I have no trowel with me and no gloves. That's going to be dirty work. Once again, very poor night's sleep. I keep waking up with a kid at 4 and then I can't go back to sleep again. This is why Stone Clearing is a curse and a blessing. It provides cover for what you're doing. A curse because of all the rest of the stuff that you have to do.

Let's drop my poo bag. Alright, woofer woofers. And we arrive at the Stocean. I vaguely hoped the crop may have been harvested by now, but of course it is not. A couple of tiddlers for the Alpha and Omega. And off we go. Woofie, come here. Woofie, come here. Good dug. I might just do a quiet one today. I've just been thinking I need to do some photographs for the illustrator of the Stone Clearing booklet of me Clearing Stones.

But it would be quite hard to do that on my own. How did I persuade my wife to take those photos without giving away what I'm doing? It's going to be hard. So I might take a few of those photos as I go around just to the close-ups. It's still going. Let's just find a stone to kick. I mean, that's not working, is it? That's not working by any stretch of the imagination. And it's not interesting for you. So we'll move on. I mean, I'm tired. I haven't got anything to say to you. What do you want?

How easy do you think it is to do 77 of these things and keep it as fresh and exciting as I have done? It's not easy, is the answer, but we will perhaps press on to see what comes up. A couple of little molehills here on the edge of the field. Stones being pushed up by our friends, our underground blind friends. They may not be able to see, but they can see better than many humans that the stones should not be in the ground. And they've dedicated their lives to pushing them up before we sing a shit. It's a good one. Someone on YouTube, I don't know why I bother with YouTube or it might have been Facebook, saying why don't I clear the poo when Wolfie does the poo in the field? Because you're not allowed to go into the field, you fucking idiot. And also, no one's going to be out there except me.

Because I am allowed to go out there by the rules of stone clearing. And if someone else is trying to clear my stones, they deserve to step in some poo. That's what I say. This is my field. Respect each stone-clearedest field, so it must be shall. Some dog shappen in the background. No man is an island entirized himself, but his field is his own, and if anyone else comes in it, they should be put on a shelf. Those are not my words. The words of John Dunn in that time, putting on a shelf, was just a way of saying they should be executed. Because often, when you went to the hangman, he would stand on what looked like a shelf before jumping off to your death. You can look it up, and if you don't believe me, that's their no man is an island entirized himself.

Whatever I said about the field, I can't remember now. That's the problem with getting old, is that sometimes things come to you very clearly, and then the next minute you've forgotten them. I'd say I've cleared five stones so far today. Here's another. That was a small, medium, medium, I would say, for those of you keeping track. And there's some of you who'd like to basically be like a cricket scores person with your ledger, dot spools, size of stones. That was always my job on the cricket pitch to be the guy who marked the end of the score seemed like an important job. I felt like he gave me privilege and now realise everyone was laughing at me. Obviously it was better to play cricket, not be the dweeb, scoring the cricket, dot, dot, dot.

That's what you are. If you're at home scoring this, wow, I need more sleep. I'll start being nasty to the people who make this stone frame podcast, what it is. I was mocking myself rather than you, although also you put the pen away and go and live life. Become a stone player, don't be the guy who documents the stone clearing. I notice the guy who does, whoever, guy or woman. I use guy to mean men and women, but women don't like it. Bloody idiots.

I think it's sexist, that's stupid pricks. God, I hate women. And the least sexist person there is. That's why I hate all women. What was I saying? Oh God. Is this going out? I can't remember what I was saying. Oh, there was someone who was doing a stone clearing on the website, it was quite useful, but then they gave up after a while.

I think they might have been Dutch. But good, I hope they gave up and I hope they went outside clearing stones rather than be the person documenting the stone clearing. Because sometimes you have to get out there and live and do something important with your life, like clear stones, not something unimportant, like documenting someone clearing stones. But if anyone wants to get that site up and running in, it's quite useful for me to remember the brilliant things I've said. So I'm not listening back to this. Not one about the shelf, for example. I mean, you can just Google John Dunn. No man is an island.

The whole thing. No man is an ifland, as well. No man is an ifland. Stupid time. It was a stupid time to be alive. Came across from the main can, gets an extra. Flatty. Into its rim. Wolf's con.

Wooving. And nobody around. I'll just touch earlier than usual. They've confused the stone, Stasi. I mean, really, I can't do much with this field until the farmer gets off his or her arse and pulls up these crops so we can get to the proper crops and stones beneath. It's going to be an exciting day when it happens. But here we are. Practically in October.

I think you might have forgotten that he planted this stuff. It's pretty easy being a farmer, just come out, chuck her through seeds around, wait five, six months, come up, take them all up again. That's the kind of job I could do with. Two days work a year. Nature just grows the stuffy. Probably didn't know what was in the packet, seed packet. That's why he's ended up with beets. He's going to come back and go, oh shit, how am I going to sell these?

Yeah. So, approaching this thing in ringing tree, that's literally over as far as we've got. And it's picked up a small, small, large. We're going to toss that into the roots of a tree. I think you're going for a run later today. I mean, I don't know how that's going to be up and barely talk and walk at the same time. Passing the Romand Villa here. Nothing particularly coming up.

I've got a couple of nice bird flu across my path. I've got my North Place jacket on today, but I could possibly do with having it. It's a little bit of a chill in the air. The summer fades into autumn. Autumn crashes into winter. It was beautifully warm yesterday. Today, the chill tells us winter is coming. There's number one in the singing ring tree.

Number two, it's not the day, folks. The singing ring tree has a nice scree of stones beneath it now, though. That's all we can hope for. What am I doing? What have I done with my life? I'm thinking of all the time before I started clearing stones, obviously. 50 wasted years. So it looks like we're heading for a second lockdown.

I mean, they could sugarcoat it as much as they like. But the example of Dominic Cummings may rest in peace. Because I think it's pretty impossible for people to be bothered about obeying the rules. So the second lockdown is pretty much inevitable. But I will be out here every day, whatever the rules of your so-called society. I live by the rules of stone clearing. Rule one, there are no rules. Rule two, you must obey the rules of stone clearing at all times.

Rule three, please take any rubbish that you bring to the field back home in here. Got a nice medium smaller, I'd say, there. This is a bit damper. It bitties a kick and gouge. I haven't seen a soul yet out here. It's always slightly worrying. That usually means just being attacked on all sides by the end of the walk. Oh, I can see a dog, though.

But no human. What? Ah, there it is. Coming from off the other field. Looks a bit like the racing driver, Nick. Nicky Louder from a distance. I mean, is that likely that Nicky Louder would be in a field in Hertfordshire walking a dog? Given that he died a few years ago. Might be a woman as well.

But that's the kind of thing Nicky Louder would do to put you off the scent. Basically, they're wearing a cap that's supposed to never run in the distance. They do seem to have some hair coming in the back of the cap, which... I think he's got excited. But if it is Nicky Louder in a female form, he, she, is they striving through the field. There's something helpless. He's walking the dog down, trying to get there, but I have tethered her to myself. As if we are on the mountain side.

There's no way he's dragging me down with him. No, Wolfs, come. Stop me a bit. Nicky Louder. Disappearing now into the distance. Perhaps it was just the ghost of Nicky Louder. He is dead, right? And a man. Reminds me of a joke I remember from school.

You watch in the racing with James Hunter, Nicky Louder. You'd say Louder, they would say it Louder. And it took you a while to get what they were doing. It was a funny joke and probably one of the things that sent me on the path away from stone clearing towards comedy, which was a mistake in hindsight. I think we can all agree with that now. After 53 years, I think we can agree. It would have been better had I just cleared stones.

I'd have been happy, you'd have been happy, you wouldn't have known it. On we go, Wolfie, on we go. When we're on the very little stone you get in the field now, I'll let Renups interact with the dog off the lead, even though Nicky Louder and her dog are some miles away now. Walked purposely and fast. Into the brambles. Ah, I meant to do some brambling today, that was my plan. Gonna make a lovely bramble and apple pie on Monday.

Crumble actually. And I've bought too many apples. And I've got another at least two or three blackberry and apple pies in me. So I did mean to bring a little tub with me today. But it's better that I'm clearing stones. You can't clear stones and gather blackberries. That is an ancient saying from the ancient times. You can't clear stones and gather blackberries.

And that is worth remembering that one. It doesn't just refer to stone clearing and gathering blackberries. It has wider implications, but it is particularly true when you are clearing stones and thinking about... Oh, that was a good throw. I didn't think that would get to the edge, I think it just bounced over the edge. Good goals. Well, if you went for it, couldn't be wrong to think about that. That was too far.

It was too good a throw. Nearly cut my finger. That's why you should wear gloves. You can't gather stones and pick blackberries. Should you start using that in your life? People will think you're wise if you had tried to do two tasks. It's basically a very apt for this particular situation, but it's also true. Anything where there are two activities you attempt to do are diametrically opposed.

Stones are very hard. You need to be quite energetic. You need to throw. Blackberries are soft. You have to put them in a tub. If you start throwing things around, even if you've got a lid on the tub, those blackberries are going to get shaken up. Be pretty useless. There's another stone star.

Do you remember coming from the far corner? Again, missed. They seem to be mistiming things a little bit today. Good for me. Good for the stones. The last stone clear. I think it was the last audio one. It may have been the video.

They really flummoxed me and stopped me doing my work. Today, I've got three stones in my hand right now. It looks like Boris Johnson, actually. I know it's the guy with all the labradors. Maybe the Boris Johnson is the guy with all the labradors. He's a big shock of yellowish hair. I mean, Boris Johnson would be the kind of person who had six labradors. Just because he can't keep a lid on it, can he?

That's the thing with him. And his clock, I mean. I'm not saying Boris Johnson is able to have sex with dogs and create other dogs. I'm sure he has sex with dogs. That's just the kind of thing Prime Ministers do. But I'm not sure he's able to breed with dogs. But all I'm saying is he let things get out of control. He's the kind of man who tries to gather stones and pick blackberries at the same time.

But you can't pick blackberries and gather stones. You can't clear stones and pick blackberries. Is that what he was? Again, my short-term memory. My long-term memory, obviously, from when I read that in the book of ancient saints. It was good when I first thought it up. What's going on? I don't know. You didn't see the snooker this week.

I know it's not your thing. But amazing. Almost supernatural. I'm going to start with the final pink. It might be worth checking out and do check out the stone clearing. This is the snooker kickstarter. I know you'll be happy that in the two weeks of stone clearing, we made well over 20,000 pounds.

The snooker after two weeks has only made 10,000 pounds. But of course, not even 10,000 yet. But of course, we've given it longer with the snooker. So hopefully, it'll hit the target. www.rehalasema.co.uk Another stone starter, again, heading in the wrong direction. Two dogs. They're just being crazy.

Two colleagues by the look of it. I don't think that's the celebrity. Had disappeared, as you expect, gone very fast. Could be my pushy marker. I mean, he's very non-script. So heading down. I don't think Boris Johnson's ever taken part in Formula One. So it's not a Formula One-based stone starter today.

I don't think they've probably just gotten a key louder and regenerated him in the process. He turned into a woman. That can often happen with regeneration. That's a simple explanation. When you've been discounted, the improbable, the impossible is all that remains. As Sherlock Holmes said,

that's the mantra I live my life by. So we're looking for some stones to come down through the beaks. There's one. Oh, found one. Pretty much cleared this field down. My doubt will be on here for many more weeks before I move on to another one.

Just picking up the last few stones. I need to get five stones for the stone pole. I did an unofficial one last night. Three out of five. But the recording ones of late have been weak, has to be said. So I've got five stones. They're not really quite near enough to the stone pole yet, but I do want some of them for the Dominic Cummings Memorial.

Luckily I've got two hands. So I've got three in one hand, five in the other. I just hope the stones don't turn up now. They're all on the small, not tiny, tiny small. Maybe small large, some of them. Three of them are going on Dominic Cummings. May rest in peace. We should forgive Miss Trespass's ultimate sacrifice.

There's one that saved so many of us. He was responsible for a lot of death, but like Jimmy Savile, you know, that clunk-click thing probably saved a lot of people's lives. Add it up, you know, that does that make up. No, he doesn't. He could have done the clunk-click and not done any bad stuff. That's the thing, isn't it? That's the thing you have to remember when you're trying to use human lives

in a mathematical equation. Right. We've all done good things, we've all done bad things. If we had judged by ten worst things, which of us would come out as well? If we'd judged by ten best things? It's something I think about a lot, I'd probably say. Here we are, a stone pole. Oh, Wolfie's excited.

Wolfie pushed me off of it. I missed with number one. Wolfie's in the way, but that's a solid hit that have hit the left arrow as well. So that's pretty good. One out two. Ah, way off. Two out three, two out four, sorry. This is the one that decides, oh, and it bounces off the top into the next door,

which slightly spoils it into the next door field, but it's still a hit. It's three out five. Three very palpable hits as well. So good luck will come to you today. The world will remember your ten best things, not the ten worst things today. Remember, if you think the Amazon Prime account is a Twitch Prime account, or Amazon Gaming account, whatever they're calling it,

right now that will double your luck from six out of ten, which is much better than three out of five. You can also become a monthly badger. Go for us at stripe.com. Help us make ever more elaborate jingle, and hopefully a alternate universe based audio sitcom, who knows. So heading to the main can that this I feel, I might just put more, I've got to just feeling in my bones.

I've got this feeling. So I've got much a lot of trolls that there's going to be a stone starsy person just waiting around this corner. I have to look as much like an ordinary dog walker with two children at home as I possibly can. Let's see how this goes. Will they surprise me by not being there? Perhaps.

That would be the biggest shock of all. Now, it won't be because I'm anticipating when Wolfie's looking for something. I think I've got it right. Alright, she's looking at nothing like an idiot would. Well, let's make the most of this. Get out a few tiddlers to the main can. Let's think about it in the middle.

The gravity has really pulled this beautiful thing down, and someone's thrown some vegetation soil on here. Very disrespectful. But it's not looking too bad, and it does stretch right on this corner, which I'm very proud of. I'm walking, and I'm still a wall beside me. What could be called a wall? Alright, it's 8.15am.

Been going for nearly half an hour. That's some good little mini kens down this street, especially given how hard it is to get stones down here. I've got the spieling. To watch trolls is good. Well, this isn't the sound like all the time. The kids are annoyed. They want some coughing music, but you know,

I'm in charge of the tape player. Got a few bits for the ditch that stopped Brexit. Thank God it did. I would hate to think how we'd cope with Covid and Brexit at the same time in January. I think the lorries will be queuing for two to three days. So thank this ditch for stopping that. Thank God it's pouring a few migrants to make up for all the people left

that I've discussed with our country. Four beautiful stones going into the Brexit ditch today. And, of course, prompting Dominic Cummings' resignation as well, which led to him going on to do the good works that he then did to assuage for all the things he'd done, which did lead sadly to his death. Do not question the ditch, the way it works. It's a wondrous survey.

I'm just going to get an hour for an omega-can stone. There's another tiny one in the path. There's two more tiny ones in the path that are just loose. You might as well pick those up. They've all got to come off them in their small, small, small. Not the extra small, extra small. They're not that small. The size of a toenail, maybe,

has someone with slightly smaller toes than you're imagining. So we're coming up Alpha and Omega-Can. I hope you enjoyed today's forecast. It's a bit more stream of consciousness than usual. All some nice blackberries there. Only I brought. It wouldn't work. You can't clear stones and pick blackberries.

Everyone knows it. So let's have a look through your emails. Aeroplane noise tree. There's a bit in touch. We'll maybe make way for these people to come to us. There's someone coming up the path with a big dog. So I'll just stand up here for a sec before we get to aeroplane noise trees' email.

It gives me a bit of time to think about the other thing. Morning. No worries. Are you coming up today? Because it's quite a complicated question. Aeroplane noise tree is asked. So it's good that I had a little bit of time to think there. Aeroplane noise tree is the first name that's aeroplane noise or one word. I think it might be a Latvian name.

Tree, just like it's felt like tree. Are there any good activities you can do while stone clearing to make the most of your time? I was thinking of picking fruit or that sort of thing. Well, it's aeroplane tree. It's no aeroplane noise. It's all one word. It's an aeroplane noise. You should listen to this podcast really before you ask that question.

I think this happens a lot so that people are just so impatient that they don't bother listening to all of it. Just listen to the chapters. I'm obviously going to get for most of these things. There are other things you can do, but not pick fruit because, as I explained in this podcast, the fruit will get crushed or fall on the floor. And fruit only comes around very rarely anyway

and you might have a feel of no fruit in it. You can do some other stuff. I listened to Rosamund's first day's murder club. As I walk my dog and see a stone, you can do that. But it's best to concentrate on the stones if you can. If it's a really easy book to understand, like a child would have written, then fine. Then you don't need much concentration

because it's so up to you. You can't respect a man who's written a book that sells that many copies because it's clearly pandering to the last common denominator. It's a good book if you're a baby, if you're a human baby, you might enjoy it. I've been listening to it thinking, my book's better than yours. It's mainly how I do when I'm listening and reading books.

So you can do that, but I wouldn't gather fruit. I'd say that was a bad idea. Now, I've got hope. Oh, come on, lots of bins in the way. Bind a yesterday's book. A lot of people actually want preferring a bin-based podcast, but I don't know if I have time for that as well. Right, come on, Wolfs Insights.

Ah! So, I know I'm in the kitchen, so I might get away with carrying a little bit longer. Need to stack the dishwasher. This could be a podcast. Need to feed the dog. Wolfie, come on! Come on!

It's like a vampire, she needs to be invited into the house. She's sniffed yesterday's food, turning her nose up at it, which is a shame, because she's getting more of the same. Who's that? She's reading most of the space. I'll mingle it together, she'll never know. Dog food and podcast, you can do anything.

I'm full of ideas. There are things you can do with podcasts, but people just aren't imaginative with podcasts. Oh, my voice is coming. I've got to go. I'll see you. Thanks for listening. Enjoy yourself.

Bye. Thank you. To ye, my friend, my fine friend. You have been listening to Stone Clearing with me, Rich Turing and Wolfie the Dog, plus the lady who brought a dog up the path, a couple of people in the distance, and of course, Nicky Louder,

great to see him back. The music's by Mike Coffgrave. The voice of the Patons is Mike Coffaheen. Listen to the thorns, my friend, and they foul thing ye a merry does. Don't listen to the birds and trees. Don't listen to your underhands. Listen to the thorns, listen to the thorns,

and they in turn foul liver to ye, my friend, my fine friend. Thank you.