Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 14 - A.J. McKenzie

Episode Date: June 3, 2008

Comedian and TV star A.J. McKenzie pops in to share his pop culture cluelessness and childhood thievery.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hey everybody, welcome to number 14 in a series of 1,200 podcasts of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Hi, my name's Graham Clark, and with me in the studio, or office, or basement, not basement, we're above ground. The very funny... We'll get back to that later.

That is a tell. The very funny and talented Mr. Dave Shuka. How are you, Dave? Thanks. I'm good. And our guest today, filling in for one Phil Hanley that had to get up earlier or stay up late. Couldn't make sense of it. Very hilarious and just goddamn wonderful.

AJ McKenzie. Oh, thank you. Yeah, man. Thanks for coming out. Yeah, no problem. How are you enjoying what I would say is the first really summery day of the year? I'm enjoying it tons. Yeah?

Want to hear what I did today? I do. No, wait. Yes. I took pictures of you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I was there. Okay.

In your backyard? Yeah. For some reason. Yeah, well, we'll see how they turn out. It may have been for no reason. And then you bought me a blizzard. Yeah, and I bought myself a blizzard and some hot treats. Or hot eats, I guess, at Dairy Queen.

Have you ever done the thing where you buy fries and ice cream and dip the fries in the ice cream? No, but I saw someone doing it and it looked disgusting. I did it on the way over. It's not disgusting, it's just kind of like... Well, I saw someone dipping it into a milkshake once. That's what I was doing. A blizzard is basically a milkshake. Although I like they come over to you at the counter and the thing they do, they turn it upside down to show you how awesomely thick.

I don't know why that's a big selling point. It always has been. Yeah, I know, but I don't understand. Like, whoa, that's way thicker when they turn it upside down. That's way thicker than I thought it might be. If they had just given you a cup of soft ice cream, it still wouldn't fall out. No. Or, you know, if they did it fast enough, neither would Cola, if you just did it really quick.

It's called physics. Read a book, AJ. What did you do so far today on this gorgeous, hot summer day? Nothing. This is going to be a great interview. Well, most of the interview is usually about the weather.

Well, yeah. Because when Phil, I was filling in for him, he said, they're going to ask you how your week was. And I said, because usually when people ask me that, I just say nothing. Yeah. So if somebody says, how was your week? You go, nothing. You say nothing. Then you walk away.

They go, what have you been doing? I go, nothing. And then that's usually the end of the conversation. Well, it's not really an interview show. That's good. Yeah. So don't feel pressured to, but also don't, but do feel a bit pressured to not just say nothing for every answer. Well, let's, should we? Yeah. Well, let's get to know us.

Get to know us get to know us uh i guess should we go with the we always go with the guest first maybe i'll go with dave first this time all right to know dave i've got something juicy here we go uh on thursday we we're recording a bunch of podcasts in rapid succession. Yeah. Because we're stocking up because Graham's going away in July. Speaking of stocking. Right. On Thursday, I didn't want to bring this up on that podcast with Darcy because I was terrified at the time. But that's kind of passed.

And I just want to talk about this letter i've received in the mail it's an overnight express post letter from a person who will rename remain nameless should you are you gonna bleep it out if i say her name that's a lot of editing okay i won't do it uh her or his name maybe i'll just do it oh yeah right uh her or his name is woohoo see you didn't even have to edit that one in i just did that one uh it's a rant it's a express post envelope that was sent like with an overnight guarantee so it had to get here in time and it got And it contained no letter, but a tube of stop itch cream and a used band-aid. That's right, AJ. How do you feel about it? And I have no idea who this person is.

I looked up their name on the internet. Couldn't find any information. Looked up their address. the internet, couldn't find any information, looked up their address, it doesn't seem to exist, but it did come from, I could say it came from Victoria. Yeah. So I thought... Express post from Victoria. A prank from my former...

From your college years? Yeah. But Express Post, that costs some coin. That's an expensive print. It's a prepaid envelope, so maybe they just had access. Yeah. Oh, no. I'm pretty creeped out by it still.

I've asked around. You haven't got anything else? No. No phone call or anything? No. But I asked around if anyone knows anything, and no one seems to. My sister thinks it's the kind of thing that Georgina would have sent to Sabrina on Gossip Girl. It's also like one of those.

What is Georgina and Sabrina on Gossip Girl? I don't know. Oh, Gossip Girl. I was thinking of Gilmore Girls. And I was like, they don't usually play pranks each other. You're thinking of the great Rory and Lorelei pranks? I don't know what I'm thinking of Gilmore Girls and I was like they don't usually play pranks you're thinking of yeah the great Rory and Lorelei

pranks I don't know I'm thinking of Happy Gilmore that's what I was thinking not Gilmore Girls Happy Gilmore something like that

is something you would like mail yourself if you were ever going to like lose your memory right if I ever need to like retrace my steps

I'm going to need the itching powder and the bandaid to piece this story together but they just got the address wrong and so now you have it and you're like somewhere soon my steps. I'm going to need the itching powder and the band-aid to piece this story together. But they just got the address wrong, and so now you have it. And they're like... Or whatever.

Some old person lost their mind and doesn't know what's going on. They're just waiting for the letter to come. There's just a thing on their hand that says, read the letter. And they're like, what is the letter? The person who sent it has old woman writing. So I thought it might be Graham's grandmother because she lives in Victoria. My grandmother does love pranks.

Or psychological warfare. Yeah, you're just going to leave the... Oh, good. You put the band-aid away. Yeah. And I think Darcy was saying on Thursday, like, oh, have you touched the envelope? Because maybe they could fingerprint the envelope. That was me.

Oh, yeah. But they could also do DNA tests on the Band-Aid. True. And I didn't really want to mention this earlier because I don't want to provoke this person. Because they're probably crazy or funny. But there was something that we brought up last week on the podcast that there was that you had in rapid succession had been mistaken for a different dave shumka like two or three times so you have no way for sure of knowing that that isn't meant for that dave

shumka right and i don't have uh a listed address in the phone book, so I have no idea how this person got my address. But couldn't you get it through anything, like if you're on a mail order thing? Yeah, probably. Like anybody could just take a piece of junk mail, right? Or whatever? I don't know. I don't know. That's weird.

You've got a murder she wrote. Except there was no murder. I don't know. That's weird. You've got a murder she wrote. Except there was no murder. Not yet. Okay. But one of the reasons I'm mentioning this is just in case I am murdered. Like, here, like, cops, here are some clues. Stoppage, cream, band-aid. They'll figure it out from here.

Yeah, they're like, if I was was a mystery writer that's how I would start but I'm not it's kind of like they go together almost if you had an itchy cut oh you almost said a thing I did not that might have been a show we did once

and you said bigger and someone said what did you say and you were like I didn't say that but and then they made you say it and the whole show was just weird oh me yeah oh do you remember that well there was like a few years ago right yeah where someone said nicorette nicorette oh yeah it's charlie yeah poor charlie he was real broken up he was broken up he thought he'd ruined everything uh but it was already ruined. Yeah, it was already completely ruined.

So that was the big event for me this week. That's pretty stellar. Yeah. Next time I hope it's a used semen rag. Don't say that. Because what? Oh, so then you get one? What you wish for.

Earlier you said you don't want to provoke them, and now you give them ideas. Like they didn't have that idea. I don't know. Well, maybe. I'm really hungover. Okay. Yeah, I just thought I'd bring that up on the get to know us portion. Like, surprisingly, more hungover than I thought I would be when I started drinking yesterday.

But here's what happened. over than I thought I would be when I started drinking yesterday. But here's what happened. I went drinking because I was part of a panel at a thing called VidFest. Which I'm not sure what exactly it is. Did you get paid to be on the panel? No, sir. Did you get all you can drink for free? I got tickets to a big gala event that was happening at the VidFest that night. So I used those tickets, and I went down there and drank a lot.

And it was all, like, computer designers and stuff all in this room in this very party atmosphere. And some very pretty girls and not a guy in the room that would know what to do with them. It was great. It was great. It was great. And the band that was there was a band that was just playing the video game Rock Band. That was the entire band, and they were awesome. What does that entail? They just stood on stage, and they had a huge monitor behind them

that was showing the Rock Band parts. And so they weren't an actual band at all. I assume that they must all have been musicians. They're all older guys, so I'm like, I don't think that they all would play rock band all the time. Pretty solid logic. Think about it, Dave. Put the pieces together.

Now take it apart. Now mail it from Victoria. But that was pretty awesome, and there was video games. That's how computer geekaroo it apart. Now mail it from Victoria. But that was pretty awesome. And there was video games. That's how computer geekaroo it was. There were guys at this party where there were women and drinks, and they were sitting in a corner playing video games. It was great for me.

We'll come back to your rock band progress later. Do you have anything else? You told me, and I wrote this down for the last show, the Steve Wilkos show. You just discovered it. Oh, Steve Wilkos, the former bodyguard slash security guy

on Jerry Springer has his own show. Have you seen it? Never a full one. I only saw it for the first time on Monday because it was a holiday and it is great it's Jerry Springer

but more bald and less advice giving does Jerry Springer give advice? but did you watch the Steve Wilco show to the end? no I watched a part of it where there was a girl on there was giving him attitude because she wasn't a very good baby mama.

And at one point she just said, well, you're just bald. That was her big take on Steve Wilco, which is true. He is. You know, that's hard to, whoa, sorry. That's hard to defend when you actually are just bald well i like how um just but when the jerry springer show first came out it was like the craziest thing ever yeah and it's been like five years and now they re-air it during the day at like four o'clock it's on tv well it used to be on at four o'clock did it yeah

i remember being on it at midnight first came out it was like it was a daytime format show but they would play it at yeah after hours yeah it was an after i remember watching it after in the afternoons because i watched i remember when jai harris was on it i watched it and it was in the afternoon i guess we'll have to agree to disagree i think at that point it was already and not cool anymore was it ever cool i think when it first that point it was already not cool anymore. Was it ever cool? I think when it first came out it was pretty cool. Yeah. Well, it was popular. I don't know if it was ever cool.

For like six months. And there would be, I remember renting like special. Oh, the, what was it called? Like the Too Dirty for TV? Yeah. Or Too Wild? Whatever. They were a bunch of specials.

I remember the. I watched them at my friend's house. It was either the Christmas or the Thanksgiving one. Where they set up... Somebody wanted to have sex with a turkey or something? I think they set up a table of white supremacists and a table of minorities. Same table.

And made them have a giant Christmas food fight. They started the show, and they acted like it would be all civil. I like it when the guests, like, jump the gun before... Where they just come out right away. Before it's even time to start throwing punches. My favorite is when people come out on Maury Povich, and they don't even make it past the entrance way before the audience starts booing that's my favorite like where maury's just set

them up so poorly that the second they go you know please welcome andrew everybody and he walked he doesn't even get out and people are already boo and then when he walks out it gets even more my favorite is when they were booing that baby that was still my favorite they were booing a baby because he's fat oh the fat baby is a fat baby that one and like the mom was like i don't know why you know she was saying that like i don't know why he's so fat i just can't never say no to him and then the kid you know they look at your baby the baby's fat and all the people in the audience were like at the baby he's a fat piece of shit so yeah they all uh they were all booing a baby which is great because a baby doesn't know that but it will

affect his life for the rest of his life somehow deep in his subconscious like he didn't have enough problems already he's already 150 pounds and he's two. Yeah. And now a group of people are booing him. And they make them take off their shirts, which is a nice touch, too, so that everybody can see how fat they are. So that's great. There was a while when it would be, no matter what the problem was,

you could solve it two ways, boot camp or makeover. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes it would be the same problem solved each way so juvenile delinquents get a make uh like a makeover yeah and then we send them to boot camp i like the guy who was the guy that they had they had a regular boot camp guy that would come on big tall angry angry black man forget was was it the Jenny Jones show that had him that sounds right and he wore like the old timey

like Sergeant Slaughter hat maybe he'd come out yell at these kids whatever happened to Jenny Jones I know exactly what happened

to Jenny Jones Jenny Jones had a show where it was like secret crushes revealed and it was a guy

came on the show and revealed his crush on a co-worker that was another guy. And after that show aired, that guy that the crush was revealed to killed that guy. So then her show was canceled very quickly after that. AJ's reaction is quite possibly the best possible reaction. I don't see why the show has to be cancelled for that.

You don't? Really? Well, no. I think her ratings were already starting to tank. You think that would save her? Yeah, you'd think it would have saved her. Yeah. Well, they never canceled To Catch a Predator.

There was a guy who killed himself on To Catch a Predator, and they never canceled that show. Yeah, I don't see why. Well, that's got good ratings. Here's my thing about To Catch a Predator, if I may, if we may delve into that for a second. Please. Okay, so the guys go in.

Okay, like if you just put yourself in their shoes for one second. They go in, like this guy comes out in the room. A lot of them don't seem to know that it's the guy from Dateline. That's the most shocking thing, is when the guy walks in, people are like, what's this going on? He says, please have a a seat and they always do i wouldn't honestly if i was caught red-handed doing something that i knew i wasn't supposed to be somebody who's like do you mind sitting down and be like yes i do i'll see you later and i would run or jump out the window trying to act innocent maybe yeah but how do these guys they always do they kind of play it cool like no we didn't say anything explicit

what time does dateline air, though? Is it late at night? No, Dateline's on at prime time on Friday nights or something. Oh, the guys know it exists. Yeah, they must. But it's so funny because he comes out, and it's not like he's got a mustache this time. They just don't recognize him. He always looks the same, but people, they don't go like, oh, my God, I'm on that show.

They don't realize it right away. He has to bring out the camera crew, and then they're like oh my god I'm on that show like they don't realize it right away he has to bring out the camera crew and then they're like oh no no come on well now they have

cops there that'll tackle people yeah yeah so what's the point of do they just talk to the predator like what do they

no when the predator leaves they arrest him oh they do arrest him yeah and then they try to they don't well isn't that kind of entrapment because couldn't he technically't that kind of entrapment? Because couldn't he technically...

It's 100% entrapment. Because couldn't he have got there and decided not to do it and then nothing illegal has been done? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's...

It is entrapment. So they can't really... Have you seen entrapment? I've seen parts of it. Have you seen that one scene where Catherine Zeta-Jones goes under the strings? Well, that's the preview. I've seen the preview for that more times I've seen parts of it. Have you seen that one scene where Catherine Zeta-Jones goes under the strings? That's the preview. I've seen the preview for that. More times I've seen it. Nice butt.

Nice. Stunt butt. Stunt butt? That's not her butt? I don't know. Oh, nuts. Time will tell. Time does tell. So, AJ, did we get to know AJ at all? Or did we just assert that he was going to give us nothing?

That's a pretty safe assumption. Anything interesting happen in the past? I did something. All right. I mentioned this earlier. I got my full driver's license. Oh yeah. Despite, I almost failed.

Even though, cause I'm a good driver, I shouldn't have failed, but I went 50 on the highway, which is not a good thing. And a 18 wheeler almost run me over from behind. Oh, you were going slower on the highway. When I was going 50, you're supposed to go like 90. It's a highway. What highway? Oh, Highway 1. I don't know if it was Highway 1. Any of the highways are about 90. Yeah. Well, it's because I was going onto the highway,

and I just saw a sign, and it was one of the signs that says if you can't stay above 60, you can't be on the highway, but I just saw 60, and I thought that was the maximum, and since it was the test, I was going slower. I like that you just read parts of signs. Well, it was, you know, you don't be on the highway. But I just saw 60 and I thought that was the maximum. And since it was the test, I was going slower. I like that you just read parts of science. Well, it was, you know, you didn't have time. Or it says, like, bend in the road ahead.

It just said ahead. It just kept going ahead, I assume. And at the end of the test, the instructor thought it was so obvious. He goes, you know where you almost failed, right? And I had no idea. I was like, oh, that one left turn. And he was like, no. Where I was driving for a minute with my eyes closed yeah um the thing where i dropped my mochaccino and i can play how i got my license before this graduated licensing system

how old were you when you got your you get a learners and then you get a new driver yeah you get new drivers and you have the new one for like a maximum of five years. And that's how long I had my new one for because I was just really lazy. Okay. And then there's like – I got it like a week before new restrictions came in. Like the old N, all you had to do was have an N and no alcohol. But the new N system, like you can't have more than one person in the car. Right.

Stupid stuff like that. See, because, yeah, in Alberta, you would get a learner's permit, and then you would get a driver's license, and that was it. Yeah. Well, say my cousin is in Phoenix, and she said the only test is you get on the freeway, you get off the freeway, and you go back to the place. And they didn't even tell her it was the test. They told her it was like a warm-up to the test because she thought she might be nervous.

And then they were like, congratulations, you passed. You did the only maneuver you'll ever have to do. Yeah. On and off a freeway so that's like just like the bumper digging capital of the world it's pretty awful like nobody knows how to parallel park at all they're just everybody's double and triple parking

in the street there's nothing but space because it's just a huge desert so I don't think parking is that big an issue I disagree I don't think that Phoenix is just a huge desert I think it's a big desert issue. I disagree. I don't think that Phoenix is just a huge desert. I think it is a big desert. Well, I mean, there's desert around it. Not the city itself. Yeah, the city is not like a desert city.

Why wasn't it a city? Star Wars. I can make assumptions. Yeah, you can. I can make ignorant assumptions. No, yeah. It's just a big desert. There's nothing but sand.

Abby. Freeways. Freeways and sand. Freeways and sand. Abby grew up in Switzerland and didn't get her driver's license pronounced swaziland i think it might be pronounced turkmenistan uh in switzerland if you uh if you failed my learner's test. Well, the written test for the learner's permit.

Was it learner's permit? Yeah, I failed it nine times. What? How could you fail it? I just wasn't that interested. I'm not going to lie to you. You'd still think. I'd be interested enough to not have to come back five more times.

I had to pay for it every time, too. And then one time I studied, and then I still failed. And I was like, oh, man. That's not a good time to actually try. Yeah, I'm like, this thing's really got me beat. Were you studying on the seventh time, too? Yeah, eventually. I think what happened was I had taken it so many times

that the initial test I had taken just came back around again. And I was like, yes, i know the answer to this one um but then i when i did my driver's test the first time out the drivers the driving instructor was like well you just do whatever i say and uh during the course of the drive and so at one point she said uh drive and park ahead of this don't it wasn't anything dirty was there a sign she said park up in front of this car and so i parallel parked or uphill parked or whatever it was and uh and then she's like and you have failed and i was like why and she said because you parked in front of a driveway and i was like, but you told me to park there. And she said, well, you should know better. And I was like, so she tricked me into the failing the first time.

Wow. Yeah. So I had to go back again and do it again. And she tried it a second goddamn time. You had the same woman again? Yeah. There's only so many, like in any district, I guess, in Calgary, there's only so many people who are qualified to do the actual driving test.

Anybody can be a driving instructor. Like you could be now. You could be. I could be. Ex-cons. Predators. Future cons. The catcher predators.

The catcher predators. Future shop employees. Anybody can do it uh is that another comment on his haircut what the shop employee future shop employees yeah no future shop future shop because early said his haircut looks like a 1950s shop teacher it did it doesn't anymore yeah i thought you were making another like a future shop like he's gonna be oh wow wow yeah good for you some things i can remember other things not at all. Speaking of haircuts, I understand you're going to get a haircut soon.

I am. I've decided I'm going to get one. Oh, good. If this wasn't a radio show, that would make more sense. Did you, so you have your license? Yeah. And you passed on your first try? Yeah.

You passed on your second try? Yeah. I think it was second try. Maybe it was try? Yeah. I think it was second try. Maybe it was third. No, I think it was second. I, uh, you're allowed to get 45, or at the time you were allowed to get 45 demerits on your test? Yeah. I got two.

I'm just saying. So you're 43 demerits short is what you're saying? I'm 43 demerits short of failing. Oh, demerits are bad. Yes. I only know that because of the Police Academy films. Ah, demerits short of failing. Oh, demerits are bad. Yes. I only know that because of the Police Academy films. Ah, demerit. Because he got demerits all the time, didn't he?

Have you seen the Police Academy films? I've seen Police Academy. You haven't seen Police Academy? Come on, you've got to tell us. I've seen it all the time. I've seen parts. Born in 1989. What year were you born?

1984. I've seen parts of it. My brother was born in 1984. He's seen all the... Yeah, but he's your brother yeah that's true but this is the thing how could you have a television in this day and age i've seen parts of it have you seen the part that the demerit part no have you seen the part where they go to the Blue Oyster? Do you remember where they go to the Blue Oyster? Yeah, we mentioned it in a previous podcast. Did we? We're already repeating ourselves.

What happened at the Blue Oyster? It was a gay bar. And the cops tricked each other on multiple occasions into going into the gay bar. And the thing was, in the 80s, I guess... That sounds like a good movie. In the 80s, I guess. That sounds like a good movie. It was somehow implied that in the 80s that anybody who walked on the premises of a gay bar was, first of all, undeniably attractive to everybody in the gay bar.

To the point that they had to dance with them or maul them. In costume. In costume, yeah. Everybody had to be in costume in the gay bar. If you're dressed as a cop, you can't really be a cop. It would be impossible that you could actually be a police officer. That was the logic in the 1980s. And anything slightly gay was played for huge laughs. Like, just anything, you know?

It was really... Those movies... The fact that they made seven or eight of them, and two spin-off TV shows and launched Steve Guttenberg's career. Which way? To the top. Three men and a baby.

And that other one he did. Interspace. Was he in Interspace? No, Martin Short and Dennis Quaid. Paul Reiser was in Aliens. Paul Reiser was in Aliens? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I haven't seen Aliens. And also Mad About You. Oh,iser was an alien? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. I haven't seen Alien. And also, Mad About You. Oh. I knew that. Is that a way? Someone's honking outside. Speaking of movies, when I was talking about maybe provoking my stalker, I was reminded

of that scene in... Swimfan? In what? Swimfan? Never seen it. Oh, that's a classic. Have you seen Swimfan? No, I haven't seen Swimfan. In what? Swim fan? Never seen it. Oh, that's a classic. Have you seen Swim Fan? No, I haven't seen Swim Fan.

I've got to try it. That would totally be up your alley. I've seen the previous one. Oh, good. Let's discuss. I Know What You Did Last Summer, where... That was on TV today. Oh, was it?

I didn't see it, though. With Jennifer Love Hewitt spinning around and looking out all over. Where are you? Come and get us! Why are you doing this to us? Why don't you come and get us, huh? I remember it ended in huh. And then they went to an overhead shot of her spinning around for no reason.

That's what I do whenever I'm frustrated. Where did I put my watch? Spin. Yeah, that movie made... I remember at the end of it, it made no sense because... So, like, they figure out who it is that they ran over or whatever. And then at the end, she goes in the sauna. And he's, like, hanging out in the sun.

He jumps out of the glass. And that's, like, the big cliffhanger at the end. Do you remember sauna and he's like hanging out in the sun he jumps out of the glass and that's like the big cliffhanger at the end do you remember? no I haven't seen it you lie and the sequel was called I Still Know What You Did Last Summer and my brother used to joke that the next sequel was going to be called

I Still Still Know What You Did Two Summers Ago did you ever see that movie? i didn't see that um have you ever seen a movie yeah i'm sure i have what what name one movie that you've seen in the last six months i saw iron man yeah how'd you like it yeah it was okay did you like the fact uh that before they showed iron man in the theater they showed clips from the George Strombolopoulos show? Or did you not get that at the theater you were at? I didn't get that. No, nobody got that but you. Maybe you dreamed it! I hope so!

What a glorious dream! I saw the movie you told me to see. The Man Who Knew Too Little with Bill Murray. Did you like it? It was great. It was hilarious. I heavily endorse that film. I haven't seen it in 20 years. It's impossible because... I haven't seen it in 17 years.

That's not that old. I'd say, okay, I haven't seen it in 14 years. Okay. Are we that old? Were we ever that young? It's 2008, Graham. Wake up. When did that movie come out?

2001. That was a royal Tenenbaum. Oh, right. I didn't like that movie. Oh, a movie you've seen! Yeah, I didn't like it, though. Why? I don't know.

It wasn't... The jokes didn't hit. I would love, every week, if we could do anything where AJ calls in and does a movie review of a movie he may have seen, maybe not seen.

An old movie that you saw on TV. You tell me clips of the movie and I tell you whether or not I thought it would be good or not. But when we ask you why you did or did not like it, you have to be as vague as that. I don't remember. I just remember not liking it. Yeah. Yeah, like that. That would be your movie review.

I think it's a pretty good review. And then that would be a quote that they could pull for that ad. Four stars. I don't really remember. I don't remember liking it. Wasn't that good? I guess it's pretty good. Yeah, just meh.

Refresh my memory. AJ McKenzie says, huh? Which one? I saw a preview for it. Yeah, I saw the preview. It didn't seem too intense. That was some good getting to know us. Yeah, what do you want to do now?

Shall we overheard it? You know what? Oh, yes, we should. I was told what this was. All right. Overheard. All right. Overheard.

AJ McKenzie, I would be honored if you would be the first to honor us with an overheard. All right. Well, I only had a day to come up with this, so I didn't. In a lot of ways, you've had your whole life. Yeah. All right. Listen, if you're going to be that way. The way I am.

I didn't overhear someone saying this, i was driving and i saw this so i think that still counts yeah all right sure yeah i was driving my church and they have those bulletins outside the church that say inspirational words and it said uh you are god's number one interest and all i could think that is why the world is in so much trouble. God has his priorities all messed up. And if I'm his number one interest, I should be doing a little bit better with my life, too. Yeah. Yeah, and that's why the rest of the world is going to hell. Yeah, because he's wasting all his time thinking of things for me to say to people on Facebook.

Yeah, or, oh, AJ's masturbating again. Yeah. God, I waste a lot of time watching him do that. It's like when you play a video game or a sports video game and you make yourself a character in the video game and you're your number one interest. And then maybe you make a few other characters in the video game and you make them not as good as you. Yeah. I think that's exactly what's going on.

That's what God's got going on. Except the one he created, he made very realistic and very not good. 65 overall. It was going to be like 45 and 35. Two home runs a year. Yeah, I remember you play those games and you're like, well, I'm not that fast, so I'll only give myself 90. Would you be realistic? Well, you try to be realistic but like 90 is the worst you could

give yourself but now i do it and uh i still do it and i make myself younger just which never happened when i was a kid yeah i'm always a rookie yeah you're always just and i'm always six foot five 240 pounds and for some reason they asked for penis size too. So I put, yes please. Have you ever played like a wrestling game where you can like make your own wrestler? Sure. It's my favorite thing to make

the wrestler as kind of like you know, like he would really have to labor under his own weight just to make it into the ring. Like I try and give him as many disadvantages as possible, like really poor eyesight or just like a huge upper body but like really stick-thin legs. Is eyesight ever one of them? Well, like I'll put his agility down to nothing,

but I'll put his weight up to the top possible thing so he'll get exhausted after one punch and just kind of like slog and give him the most ridiculous outfit you know like half hip-hop but half you know jungle safari i remember one of the first baseball games i played you could change everyone's stats and no matter what you change it to it didn't seem to make a difference like if it was 40 or 99 they played exactly the same so it was just it was the most ridiculous the game well because it was like the one of the very first games on pc oh okay it was just earl weaver baseball i know the one yeah it was hardball 5 the very first i guess the wrong one hardball 5 yeah wow one of the first

ever pc games about the fifth ever i would say well it was one of the and i remember because it was my first pc game uh and the first time i put it in the drive i put it was one of the... And I remember because it was my first PC game and the first time I put it in the drive, I put it in the like the three and a half inch floppy drive. Oh. And I like had to

pull it out with tweezers. The CD? Ooh. Yeah. It's a little nugget about me. There you go. Let's edit that into the get to know me section.

Yeah. Let's put it in there. It's fine. Do you have anything, Dave? I don't know if... I have a thing but it's hard to set up I have a thing

I wrote down something yeah the other day I was walking my dog and it was a really nice day and there were these kids selling lemonade well it wasn't lemonade

it was Kool-Aid yeah it's hard to get good lemonade 25 cents a glass. And they saw me coming from half a block away. I think the glass is already poured for you. Oh, they had a bunch of glasses set up, which is kind of gross because I want it poured fresh. Kids.

If you're listening. It was on the 14th, and there was no traffic, no foot traffic. It was a terrible idea you were it yeah you're gonna save the day and they were sweetening the deal from the get-go they were yelling at me from half a block away your dog drinks for free and they had a little bucket of water and that was supposed to sweeten the deal yeah and uh that's the policy everywhere i didn't even have to buy anything and my dog drank for free. Grandpa probably did try to nose you towards the free lukewarm water.

Oh, he got us free water. Did you not buy any? No, I didn't. You suck. That's awesome. You suck. They weren't disposable cups, so I would have had to stand there and drink it in front of them. Make small talk.

I like that. How long you been a kid where's your parents well isn't it equally as awkward while you're waiting for your dog to drink and you're just standing there uh it must have been because he wasn't gonna buy anything all right it was not awkward at all because they're dumb kids with terrible location is located 14teenth is a bad location. Twelfth is the money spot. But they're probably not allowed to be that close to the heavy traffic. They're probably not allowed to be out of their parents' sight. Yeah.

So it's the parents' fault for not being so committed. Really? Did you ever sell Kool-Aid? Did you ever do that? Or lemonade? Have a lemonade stand? I did it once along a race route. I don't think I did that. In a race ride? In a race ride. We did it once along a race route. I don't think I did that.

In a race ride? In a race ride. We sold cookies once. A race route. Yeah, like a foot race. Like a fun run? Yeah, like a fun run. Like a foot race, you know, where people run on their feet?

You know what I'm saying? Where they use their feet to propel themselves? Did people buy any? Mm-hmm. People run with quarters that they can give you? Here's the thing. Most of the people that bought it were people watching the race. Ah, okay.

So I set up a little portable table. I was 18 at the time. And 18 till I die. This changes the whole story. Why were you doing that at 18? I was joking. Nickel beards. Oh, okay.

I don't get jokes. Yeah, apparently. I should have went with it. Yeah, I could have kept going with it, but then you'd look scared. Here's one. This is what I like, is when I hear the tail end of something, and I have no idea what the preceding conversation that led up to this moment, but what this guy was saying was obviously the last point he was going to make on the subject,

but I just passed them as they were leaving a building, I was going in. And all I heard the guy say to his friend was, Fuck you, I'm still afraid of SARS. I have no idea. There's so many possible conversations that could have led to that being the final statement. But he was angry at the guy, too. Do you want to come to Toronto with me? Fuck you.

I'm still afraid of SARS. So that was my overheard. That's great. Ain't no problem. I was going to say I like hearing conversations from the middle and wondering what it was.

I like doing the same with shows like watching it halfway through and trying to figure out what's going on. For example? Like television shows?

Yeah, TV shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like you watch a TV show halfway through and it makes an impression. I used to do that with Columbo. I wouldn't watch the first five minutes

because they would always show who did it or how they did it in the first five minutes. So I wouldn't watch that and then I'd try and figure out how they did it so I could figure it out

at the same time as Columbo. I would do that. I had a lot of friends when I was a kid. Lots of them wore trench coats and smoked cigars. With Win, Lose, or Draw loser draw yeah the pictionary show now is that the canadian version or i think it was

american oh acting crazy that's what i'm thinking right and uh i would do with acting crazy too and i would cover up the word that they're trying to guess at the bottom nice and i would try to guess as one of the people aj doesn't know what I'm talking about. I have no idea. You don't remember when the loser draw? No, I never. So what, like when you were a kid, were you not allowed to watch TV? No, I wasn't allowed to watch TV. What did you choose to watch? Yeah.

I had to watch... This is a source of endless fascination for all comics, because it's like finding a caveman and trying to describe to him, like, microwave? Microw microwave microwave yeah well i remember when uh i was growing up like when i came home from school i watched tv but i had to watch what my sister watched because when she watched tv california dreaming now she watched uh saved by the bell okay i've seen like every episode of saved by the bell what do you want to just... No? Let him finish.

I don't know what's going to happen here. Go ahead. Keep going. Keep going. I'm pretty much done. Just Saved by the Bell? Just Saved by the Bell. No, no.

What was... I watched the show. It was like a robot. There was this kid who was a robot. Small Wonder? I don't think it was Small Wonder. Was it a live action show? Yeah, it was live action.

Yeah, it was called Small Wonder. Was it? Well, how many other shows? I'm pretty sure... Was the robot a girl named Vicky? Yeah. Yeah, it was live action yeah it was called small wonder was it well how many other shows i'm pretty sure it wasn't was the robotic girl named vicky yeah yeah i thought it was called vicky no it could have been here comes vicky here she is she's a robot so i remember she's a small one an episode of that show where she stole money from her parents wallet and so i decided to do the same thing and i stole like 200 for my parents over like a course of like two weeks and like one day i went up to them like let's go out to a restaurant and they

were like no and i was like oh i'll treat i was like six maybe and so then they were like where do you get the money and so i showed them and they were like, where do you get the money? And so I showed them and they were like, that's where my money's gone. And I'd also for some reason stolen a bunch of my mom's knitting supplies. So she found all this wool too with the money. I don't know if this will have value too. I'll drink. I'll drink. I'll drink. That's very funny.

That's precious. That is a really, really funny story. Yeah, I completely forgot about that. Oh, wow. You really peeled back the layers on AJ McKenzie. The six-year-old mind. Why do you do it? Because a robot did it.

Because I saw a robot do it. Why would the robot do it? I don't remember the rest of the episode. I just remember. And then at the end, I think she didn't explode, but all the money flew out of her. Was she eating it? Yeah, that doesn't make any sense.

I forget the show. Would she just take everything really literally? Yeah. Like if somebody said, call the police. That was something that my brothers and I are being repulsed by. She was just yelled out the window, police. I do remember one episode where I think her brother, quote unquote brother, said, oh, just forget everything. And so she did. And wiped out her memory banks.

Yeah, the thing is, the ludicrous thing about the show was that obviously the parents weren't infertile. They had a boy. They obviously had enough money that he could create an incredibly lifelike robot. The boy created it? The kid made the robot? No, the dad did did so that they could have

a daughter but i'm like it's so improbable like i could understand they're completely like they couldn't have kids so he made a robot daughter but even that's a stretch where you're like don't worry about it honey how much like a robot how much do you not like sex but want a kid oh build a robot and she's not gonna we not going to start her out as a baby. I think eight years old is the perfect age forever. I wonder what... I tried to find out a while ago what happened to the girl that played Vicky. Because it wasn't actually a robot.

Oh, is that right? I saw her wires. Yeah, no, that was a Hollywood special effect. Remember there was a show that was like a companion show to Small Wonder that was about a girl that was from another planet I'm asking you I'm not asking

she talked into the crystal box could she stop time? who could stop time? well Zack Morris could but only like five times in the whole run of the show. It was weird because that show, sometimes he would talk to the camera. Like he would start out the show and be like,

Ah, the spring dance. Can't wait to see what will happen. And then like he's talking to the camera, but then there would be like 18 episodes in a row. No mention of this ability to speak directly to the population. But yeah, the timeout thing, they just used it, I think, when they were like, well, we can't get him out of this ability to speak directly to the population but yeah the timeout thing which is they just used it i think when they were like well we can't get them out of this we've really written them into a corner here let's get a timeout and just walk out of the room

give me superpowers and have slater punch belding i think i saw that episode we did a thing last week where we were trying to come up with our favorite was it our favorite lines? Yeah. From Saved by the Bell? Yeah. Do you have a favorite line? Do you want to play the theme song?

Yeah. It's all right because it's Saved by the Bell. Favorite lines. All right. Well, I can't come up with any favorite lines, but I was thinking about. I have one. All right. Give me yours.

There was a thing where Slater was going to give up wrestling. He was going to take up home ec. And he was really good at making a quiche or whatever. And so somehow this was the world they lived in. Because Slater couldn't make it to the wrestling match. The next guy in line was Screech. Made no sense at all. I remember that.

And then Slater came back. Like at the last second, and he said, back off, Manduso. Why don't you take on somebody your own size? Right, right, right, right. Here's just from Valley. Yeah. Maybe the reason they got Screeched was to try and entice Slater to coming back. Oh, maybe.

Maybe it was like a Zach. Zach was like, we'll get Screeched that way. He'll feel bad. Maybe that's what it was, yeah yeah but it's funny that the coach would be like okay zach you're calling the shots on this tournament yeah if you say it's screech it's screech one thing i don't understand about the show was the nepotism towards those six main characters uh what is nepotism? Just favoritism. The three girls were always the three cheerleaders on the team. And there's only three cheerleaders on the team,

even though these girls are in grade 10. Here's my question. At one point, Kelly left, and another girl... When did that happen exactly? Jesse. Jesse left, and Tori came. Or did Kelly leave? Kelly left.

No, there was a season where, it wasn't even a full season, but they inexplicably, Jesse and Kelly both were gone. Why? Right, right. They were replaced by Tori, who is this man-ish. And then for no reason whatsoever, Tori just vanished, and Jesse and Kelly were back. But there was no, like, oh, you're back from holidays. That would have taken literally one second to say.

But I think what they did was they did a graduation show with Tori, and then they did another graduation show with the two girls. They had, all in all, I would like to know how many proms they actually had on that show, because it seemed like there was an abundance of proms. Did we ever have a chance yeah um one thing i was thinking about uh was the uh there was one episode where the teacher was five minutes late and zach instituted the five minute rule oh yeah and then i don't know if this existed ever but but uh belding was old five-minute rule, and Zach was like, I thought I just made that up. And we did that in school. If a teacher didn't show up, everyone would talk about five-minute rule. No one ever actually did it.

But in university, it was an actual rule. It was, yeah. I remember that in university, but I remember it was like, it's university. You don't have to be here anyways. You could leave. Is that why you never finished university? Oh, I stopped showing up. I missed the last three months.

What university did you half go to? Kwantlen. Ooh. Yeah, they kicked me out. Well, I kicked myself out, really. It was mutual. A mutual... It was a truly mutual breakup?

Oh, yeah. It was... Because my parents said you can either go to school or work, and I didn't want to work. So I just went to school, but I didn't want to do that. So now you've found the best of both worlds. Somehow. You don't go to school and you don't work. And I convinced them it's a good idea.

Nice. Good. Well done. Well done. Not bad, huh? AJ. You did get that Robson Arms gig. Yeah.

Does that haunt you? Do you – No, it was great. I have nothing bad to say about the whole thing. But just like every time you're introduced on stage, you maybe have seen him on Robson Arms! It's better than saying,

hey, he's the guy who does shows around Vancouver. Yeah, that's a tough... It's not even an intro, really, that does shows around Vancouver.'s not even an intro, really. No shows around Vancouver. That's evidence by the fact that he's here right now. No, like... Obviously, when you're just going up there

and in your mind you're like, well, this isn't going to go well. You don't want someone giving you the grand master introduction. He's a grand master. Well, you know what I mean. When people give you the really great introduction and you're gonna go up there and i'm doing new material yeah exactly i'm just gonna eat it that i don't like already yeah but like yeah there's doing in the show was

great how many episodes did you do i was in four i think and i just got another check from them for some reason nice oh residuals yeah that was an unexpected surprise. Well, kudos. Kudos to you on your driver's license and your brand new residual check. And I also got another check because I didn't pick it up two years ago. And they sent it to me and said, well, there it is. Double kudos. Well, I just got a check from the government. Oh, nice

Four taxes Yay So, uh, I'm doing alright myself Here's a question, do we want to do Okay, why don't we do the Road to Rock Band We're on the road to Rock Band Why don't you go fuck yourself We're on the road to Rock Band.

Fuck yourself, you cunts. All right, Road to Rock Band. For those of you out there who are not familiar with the amazingly fun home entertainment system game Rock Band, it's a close cousin or spawn of guitar hero and uh it's a there's two guitars there's a microphone and drums and i played it here at dave's house three weeks ago i think sure was the first time and i was so bad not even a week it's the sean episode was the first time oh that's the first time i played it yeah so, that was the first time I played it, yeah. But like three episodes ago. Yep. And I was horrible. I was scoring. You say I wasn't scoring in the 50s, but I believe I did. All right. So then I wanted to make it a commitment

to myself to try and make it to 100% on all instruments, at least on easy. Now, I should point out that you made yourself a character who's got terrible eyesight. And only one arm. And a very big upper body. Could you do that on Rock Band? Could you make your own characters? You can.

Nice. I have a character named Lips McFucks. And I have a couple other ones. Oh, something like... He's just like Steven Tyler, but lippier. She? Oh, yikes. Sorry.

So anyway, so the last time I wrote it down, the next go-round we had, I got 83% playing drums, I think, on Say It Ain't So by Weezer. The easiest song on there. Right. And then 82% on a song called Maps, which is another easy song, right? It's not as easy. It's 1% harder, apparently. 76% on Gimme Shelter.

Was that harder? That's a harder. Yep. Sure. And 88% on Sabotage. Ooh. That wasn't bad. That's your highest score yet. It was. And then the next, the following time, I somehow fell off the wagon and plummeted below any of those scores i think the highest score i got was 68 so you have an 88 so far on drums are

we have you done other instruments i forget yeah i've done the bass and i've done all the instruments and i'm equally bad on all of them so i have to go one instrument at a time and try and figure it out i've played the career mode on rock band and it's something i really don't understand because you start out you're a member in a band yeah and you start out at a like a roller rink right doing shows for nobody and then as you get better you uh you go to bigger venues and then by the end you're playing huge stadiums but you're still just a cover band and you're not even like a tribute band for one artist

you're just like a top 40 band who's playing this huge stadium show tonight, you know, like Blue and the Rockers at Live Aid Wembley Stadium feel free to jump in on this anytime at Live Aid. Yeah, exactly. Wembley Stadium. Yeah, and it's also, because that is indicative. Feel free to jump in on this anytime, AJ.

These are rich veins. I've been riveted. Anyway, so that's my progress update. Mostly I like this segment because that theme song is so good that I don't want to let it die. I want it to be part of every podcast. So let's move on to the celebrity crush hat.

Celebrity crush hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity crush hat. Go fuck yourself. Celebrity crush hat. Chapeau chinois. Celebrity crush hat. Crush hat.

Celebrity crush hat. We haven't actually drawn a number yet, but we're going to. You go ahead and explain it, Dave. Yeah. We have a bunch of numbers in a hat, and AJ will pick a number yet but we're gonna it's you go ahead and explain it dave yeah well we have a a bunch of numbers in a hat and aj will pick a number and we'll talk about who we had celebrity crushes on at that age these numbers go up to 35 so aj may pick one that's too late 35 okay i set this one up i like the fact that nobody in this room is 35. I like that fact too. So why do you even have the number in there? Who will you have a crush on?

Seven. Ooh. Okay. What year was that? Do I put this back in? We'll pause, we'll do the research, and we'll be right back. 1987 was Graham's year when you were seven. I am more of a 1988.

Yeah. And I'm an old man in this room. You're a 1991, AJ. Okay, so let's say, AJ, who would you say would be your celebrity crush from your... What was the age we were going for? Seven. Seven. So not much of a crush. Yeah, like I probably had more of a crush on Spider-Man or Mr. T than any girl.

Well, I remember the earliest crush that I had, mentioning earlier, I said I watched Saved by the Bell, is Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Kelly Kapowski. That's the one. So did that follow on later in life, like when she went to Beverly Hills 90210? I never watched 90210. Really? Even though she was on it?

That's the only reason I watched it. I never followed her to it. I didn't even. I did. I followed her everywhere. All never watched 90210. Really? Even though she was on it? That's the only reason I never followed her. I didn't even. I did. I followed her everywhere. All up and down the dial. Yeah. So I'm not the only one then

who followed you. Oh, no. A lot of, yeah. She was easily the best looking girl on that show. Oh, not even close. It was, yeah.

Except the few episodes Tori Spelling was on as Violet. Laurie, or what was her name? Lisa Turtle. She ended up being very attractive.

She ended up being on like a daytime soap opera. She became very... Saved by the Bell. Should we talk about it more? Okay. All right. No.

This is becoming more and more Saved by the Bell style podcast. You, Dave, would say you have multiples multiples i well i don't know that i have multiples uh i have one specific but that it wasn't even that big of a crush uh but actually i was thinking about you at that time in my life yeah no as young boys tend to do when when i thought 1988 i thought the winter olymp I thought the Winter Olympics in Calgary. But I didn't have a crush on Elizabeth Manley. No, Elizabeth Manley was it. Oh, she was yours?

She was a hot dish. No, but that's a good call, Elizabeth Manley. Or Katarina Witt. Ooh. Or Debbie Thomas. Or who was the... Eddie the Eagle. Right.

I have no idea who any of those people were. Brian Boitano. Elizabeth Manley was one of the only medal winners that year for Canada. She won a silver medal. As did Brian Orser. In figure skating. He won in figure skating as well. Yeah.

But different sexes. Yeah, but then he later went on to shock the world by winning in darts. Really? No. Yeah, but different sexes. Yeah, but then he later went on to shock the world by winning in darts. Really? No. Oh, okay. I'm not the only one who doesn't get jokes. But I remember because they used to play her... You think of Geena Davis. Yes.

I always think of Geena Davis. I know who that is. I probably had a crush on her in 1987 actually. Geena Davis? Mine was more of a 1991. Okay, so who would. Gina Davis? Mine was more of a 1991. Okay. So who would you say, then? Mine is Miss Elizabeth. Oh, good call from wrestling.

That was Macho Man's wife, now deceased. Now deceased. Murdered. Wife? She got murdered? In the wrestling world. Right. Were they wed?

In the ring. The only ring she was wearing was a squared circle. Made doing the dishes very difficult. Now, that was the thing, because they did a Wrestlemania where it was titled

A Match Made in Heaven and A Match Made in Hell. And Macho Man and Elizabeth got married in the ring, and then Sid Vicious and Hulk Hogan wrestled in that same ring. Wow. Not but an hour later. And that's what I want my wedding to be like. Back when wrestling was cool. I just remember

her looking really worried all the time when Randy Savage was getting beaten up. It can't be easy to see your fiancé, your one true love, having his ass handed to him every time he walks in the ring because he's old. But he ended up winning most of the fight. Yeah, through chutzpah. And or choreography.

Yeah. He's still alive, though. Yeah. Macho man? Well, we assume. He's slapping into a Slim Jim. He didn't slap into it. He snapped into it.

I don't know that that's the case. I'm losing my brain. I'm losing my sight. Losing my mind. Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Papa Roach. Papa Roach.

You're funny. Name that quote. Papa Roach. That's next week's segment. Name that quote. Papa Roach. Did you have a celebrity crush in 1987? 1987,

I think that might have been the year that I discovered Debbie Gibson. Oh. Who is now... Deborah Gibson. Deborah Gibson and posed naked in Playboy. Who's Debbie Gibson? You were three. Think back. Didn't she sing... Was that Tiffany?

Electric Youth? Yeah, did she sing I Think We're Alone Now or was that Tiffany? That was Tiffany, I think. Amber Thiessen. Timmy, Amber Thiessen. Debbie Gibson was... Poor man's Tiffany. Yeah. Who was a rich man's Britney Spears in Reverso Time.

Wrong, wrong. Britney Spears at her best is way better than Tiffany. Well, I'm not going to say that they should fight it out, but... I'm just saying in terms of rich man, poor man, good cop, bad cop. Yeah, do cops ever do that routine? Rich man, poor man? Just give me some change, man, and I'll let you go. The one guy comes in, he's just got all this bling.

He starts drinking. Cristal. I don't need your confession. Good energy, Graham. I'm falling into a depression. Graham is lying prostrate? On my prostate. All right, well, I think it's about time to wrap this shit up.

Yeah, it's been fun, AJ. Thanks for coming in at the last minute and being an awesome fill-in guest. Do you have anything that you want to plug? I'm doing nothing. Nothing? When are you going to shave next? When's your next big shave? Next big shave?

I'm going to say, what day is it today? Saturday. I have no idea. When do I have to go shave next? When's your next big shave? Next big shave? I'm going to say, what day is it today? Saturday. I have no idea. When do I have to go out next? Tomorrow? Never. You're going to go out tonight.

You're going to go play some poker. I don't care about those people. Are you going to drive, you're not going to drive all the way home and then drive all the way back out here for poker? Yes.

Really? Well, I have to go. I'm doing something. I'm doing something with some friends. Do you want to plug that? Laser tag. Yes.

And now he's having a meeting in a tree fort. No girls allowed club. I just came together with some friends. Tea party. Me and some stuffed animals. That's what I did before I came here. Sorry. Tea party is taken care of.

Priorities. Get that out of the way the way well you were an excellent guest and you're welcome back anytime well not anytime uh but uh yeah if you want to email us it's uh stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com and visit our uh update recap. Stop podcasting yourself. Stop blogspot. Go fuck yourself. No wonder no one can find it. Thank you everybody for listening. This has been fantastic.

My name is Graham. This has been Dave Schumke. Stop podcasting yourself.