Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 169 - Andy Kallstrom

Episode Date: June 7, 2011

Comedian Andy Kallstrom joins us to talk shorts, costumes, and the space program.  Also, drunk dials!

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 169. Hey, hey, hey. Stop podcasting yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is the, he is the cake boss to my Maurizio, Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh, you dropped the cake again, Maurizio.

I'm sorry, cake boss. Maurizio is, I don't know if we talked on the show about how Maurizio is our favorite character on Cakepots. He's the big, fat, bald guy. Yeah, he should have his own show. We'll talk about this more. But first, let's introduce our guest. And by more, you mean Maurizio.

Give me more, more, more. That should be the theme song. Our guest, a very funny young man. You may know him if you're a longtime listener of the show, as a person who called in an overheard experience last week. Wait, no. If you're a second-time listener to the show, you may know him. Oh, well, I was trying to, you know, give it some heft. He, along with Dave Shumka,

probably two of the best-dressed comedians in the Vancouver scene, I would say. I dumb it down for the stage. Yeah, but even when you're dumbing down, everybody else is classing it up. Anyways, our guest, very funny comedian, Mr. Andy Kallstrom. Hi, guys. Thanks for... No, thank you for coming. Thanks for having me. It is a dream come true.

Did I oversell that? Yeah, a little bit. But, you know, dreams... What dreams may come? Dreams do come true. Look at me, babe. I'm with you. You know you got to have them. You know you got to be strong. Is that

Desiree? Oh, the you've got to be strong, you've got to be cool. That one? I don't know. Dreams can come true. I think we've probably talked about this on the show before. I do not recognize it.

I remember putting it on the blog before. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. That was the theme from Inception, I think. Now, before we started the show, you biked here. Yes, I did. On a Velocopede. On a Velocopede? On a Velociraptor.

Yeah. And before we started the show, Graham wanted to start the show real quick after you arrived, and I was like, Andy's still out of breath. Yeah, I was still sweaty. I was still very sweaty. I think that's just your voice. You might, like, you still seem a bit out of breath.

I do? No, I think he sounds fine. Do I just have an out-of-breath voice? Well, maybe breathy, like, what's her name? Not Catherine Hepburn. Catherine's either, John. Catherine Gifford. So, Andy, you're a comedian about town,

a cyclist, a clothes horse closed horse a bit uh yeah okay um and uh you've just moved into a new dwelling batch pad yeah well i just moved to east vancouver with five other people including another comedian um it'll be a lot of dishes am i right a lot of dishes sitting in the sink yeah oh that is the worst. Real bone of contention. I've not had roommates in so long. Has anybody put a cell phone in the microwave yet? No, but there's one on top of our fridge. My roommate is the will-it-blend guy.

No, but what sucks about it is that I was a driver before I moved to East Vancouver, and I sold my car because i was living very central and i was like i just never need my car i can bike or transit everywhere and then i sold my car and found out i was going to be moving and now i found out the doctor came back with the result yeah exactly so now you have to cycle now i have to cycle everywhere and show up places super sweaty with my breathy voice. And you're going to get those super crazy big calves that the cycle guys have. Yeah, they're already pretty good. They're coming in good.

I don't know why I pointed at them. Well, are they impressive? Are your calves? Confirm they're impressive. For the home listener. Yeah. Oh, that is the other thing is that I'm wearing shorts, which I never... I bought shorts this year for the first time in years because i'm cycling

everywhere sure i was anti-shorts before yeah i'm a fairly anti-short but i felt like i was gonna die last summer uh in pants in long pants yeah so i don't know what to do dave i don't know what to do um there are yeah you shorts are acceptable sometimes if you're gonna die okay uh what type like do because andy's wearing a uh they they look like pants that have been just yeah it's got a belt and they're nice and they have pockets and it's like what is it is cotton or uh linen almost chambray it is a chambray exactly wow well done so yeah like uh that's a fancy short, what he's wearing. Yeah. That's a real Sunday best short.

Mm-hmm. Church picnic, et cetera. Yeah, I think you should avoid the cargo. I was going to say that exact thing. Yeah. But something with at least a pocket? Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, they don't have to be skin tight. That was going to be my next question. Is there a happy medium between a cycling short and a cargo? No, you have to choose one or the other. Fair enough. Yeah, well, I'm no fan of cargo. I mean, when they first came out, I thought it was God's gift of pants because they keep a whole bag of Skittles in there.

Yeah. Just go on your way. Leave them in there as you put them in the wash zip off your uh uh long pants into shorter pants oh right yeah that was a big innovation how did that not always exist for pants um zippers yeah yeah no i mean just uh like with the advent of zippers how did nobody go oh we should make pants that zip off and become shorts seems like it would be a no-brainer but uh yeah uh but they're they are awful unless you're doing like a bear grills sure uh party theme party where you all wear a

seal's body as a wetsuit yeah have you seen that episode where he does that no does he drink his pee uh yeah he has a pee cocktail and then he uh no he like uh he finds a dead seal or maybe they kill it i don't know he finds it they don't show that part in the clip i saw i just saw where he takes off the skin and he makes it basically it looks like a muscle tea but it's like a but it's like off the skin and he makes it basically, it looks like a muscle T, but it's like a seal skin and then he squeezes into it and then he's walking around. Gross. Yeah, and then he goes swimming in it.

Oh, and then an orc will eat something. You laugh, but I found a dead seal once when I was a kid on Halloween, no less. What? Yeah, we thought it was a human being, or an ex-human being for a while. Because it was wearing the scream mask. Where did you grow up?

Victoria, British Columbia. So it was always Dead Seals. Yeah, you found the seal. You didn't just find it in your neighborhood while you were walking. It was on the beach. It wasn't... Sugar-treated.

It didn't die. It seems like something that teenagers would do, take a dead seal and move it into the school, you know, leaving it on the football field or something. No, a seal's way too big. No, I mean like eight guys. Yeah. The football team. Yeah.

Benny and the Jets, et cetera. You know, some sort of gang. Or youth group. A mischievous youth group who wanted to get back. What is... So is Benny and the Jets the Elton John song? Is that what you were referring to? Yes.

Is there a different Benny and the Jets? The street gang? There was the Jets. Or the street gang. In the West Side Story. In the West Side Story, yeah. Is Benny and the Jets about a street gang? I assume that there was a connection there.

I don't think so. I'm just trying to go through the lyrics in my head what else hey kids benny makes them ageless nope yeah it's about a face cream manufacturer uh so you've moved into this place you no longer have a car yeah you're my life is really falling apart you're dressing up as a as a as a bee i can't even afford a full pair of pants oh yeah i'm dressing up as a bee man i hope no one is a second time listener because they are just gonna think that was a great overheard the other day uh oh yeah but it's embarrassing that is not my job dressing up as a bee i did it as a favor. Sure. It was very uncomfortable.

You said it was as a favor. Oh, I did? Yeah, you're a very good friend to have done that. I wouldn't have done that for a friend. There is no question in my mind that I am an amazing friend. Yeah, yeah. It was a weird experience, though, because I just went on a road trip where I saw so many people on the sides of roads waving. And all of them, I was like, how can that loser have that job?

Like a guy in a carpet outfit waving at everyone. Hey, buy some carpet. But now I feel like I know their stories. You don't know what they're going through. They're probably all just helping friends. Did I ever tell the story about the the spider-man that i saw that was like uh the out in front of the car dealership waving the sign like sale on cars or whatever and uh man oh man i feel like they just had a spider-man suit at the auto lot like they didn't hire this

guy in the suit and he just it feels like he drew straws and ended up because he had the the mask part peeled up so his mouth and nose were showing and uh he just had a huge gut and uh and he was wearing uh you know like penny loafers or whatever like there were no shoes so maybe yeah he just worked there but he uh lost a big sale. Yeah, exactly. You know the punishment. That is something that I hate, because I love Halloween, and I hate when people have a costume that they don't have the shoes for. Like they're Jack Sparrow, and they're just wearing, like, Nikes. So disappointing.

It really breaks the illusion for me, is what I'm saying. Yeah. But I always think that's the opposite when I see someone with a costume that doesn't fit the situation. Yeah. I always think they... Nothing fits the situation. He's got those huge abs. I've got a lot of things that fit him great. No, no.

They're monstrous. Really? They're grotesque. They do seem a little grotesque. What about Batman? He could just wear a Batman t-shirt and it would be like he had the foam rubber thing. Ew. I don't know why I'm so pro-situation.

Yeah. You guys, if we're going to have this conversation, you should know I love the Jersey Shore. Legitimately. I've never seen it. Oh, me neither. I saw episode one. Really? Season one, episode one really season one episode one

a tale of two shorts it was the best of tanning it was the worst all of the episodes are dickens references i have some more please etc etc give me more um i know I've never... It's the one kind of show like that where I think I know most of the cast of the show. I've never seen the show. I can surmise how it works as a show, but I don't...

I've never even seen... Aside from the clip that was online where... Is it Snooki that gets punched in the face? Yeah. That's the only clip I've ever seen from the show. So I don't actually know what they do on the show. I know that Snooki's in a pistachios commercial. Those pistachio commercials.

That's some weird stuff. It's Snooki. It's Rod Blagojevich. Louis Black. Yeah. You know, he yells. And then there's a drill sergeant that yells at the nut. Have you seen these ads?

I have not. I don't even think they're running anymore. No, they are. I just saw one this morning, and it was Louis Black yelling at a pistachio. They used to be a classy nut. Yeah, I guess. Well, I don't know. Maybe they wanted a hipper nut audience

anyway you were wearing a costume yeah i was wearing this b costume with proper feet oh yeah oh yeah here's the thing because you you have a problem with people wearing the wrong footwear yeah do they do is there such a thing as a like a a Superman costume that has fake boots on it. And, and like they cover your shoes. Ah, yeah. I think that's how most of them work. I think the ones that you rent, like they have a thing and then you just put like,

it's a little drape. Yeah. But it ends up just looking floppy and dumb. But like, where are you going to get red boots or even red shoes? Like who owns a red shoes? That guy who wrote the diary. Someone who's really dedicated to dressing up as Superman. Judy Garland. Yeah. All right red shoes. Like, who owns red shoes? That guy wrote the diary. Someone who's really

dedicated to dressing up as Superman. Judy Garland. Yeah. Oh, right. Angels want to wear my red shoes. Wasn't there a Tom Hanks movie where he wears red shoes? The Man with One Red Shoe? Oh, yeah. Is that Tom Hanks? Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid? So, what is the solution, though? If though if you're a jack sparrow nobody owns a

pirate prostitute boots uh well this is kind of embarrassing but if you're me yeah you uh go buy some shoes that are close and then make them really yeah uh and jack sparrow funny example because that's the one I did for Halloween one year. Okay, take us through this. Yeah. Are you a tailor? Can you tailor things? Yes.

Okay, first of all. Yeah, why? You should have introduced me as a tailor. Right. Yeah, we're talking about boots. Yeah. And tail is not a verb. Well, it is a verb.

I'm being, you're a tailor. Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead. Yeah, I know my, like, i'm not at a professional grade so don't contact me to make you some pirate shoes but if i start off with some regular shoes you can turn them into pirate shoes oh yeah no question it's just sewing a flap of fabric on the top sure um you make it sound like that's a thing that anybody knows how to do yet i imagine uh almost everybody listening wouldn't know how to do that really yeah how do you stitch a flap of fabric onto a onto a that's why they have those dumb things that just fold over your feet

yeah idiots uh do you use fabric or would you use leather uh well because they were like fake suede obviously i didn't spend a lot of money. They were costume shoes. There's no obvious in this. Yeah, I guess that's true. I'm kind of holding myself as someone with an insane hobby of making Jack Sparrow shoes. But they were just like thigh-high ladies' boots.

Or not thigh-high, that's too high. But knee-high ladies' boots. I like that that was the thing that you dialeded back on there were thigh there were knee-high ladies um i think uh in zardoz sean connery wears the thigh high ladies boots that's right yeah probably men's boots i bet they were custom made from for that movie probably um wasn't that high a budget movie. Yeah, but you can't get a lady's boot in Sean Connery size. I think he's got pretty small

hands and feet. Oh yeah, all actors do. So now, are you a crazy Halloween person? Yeah. I just really like, well, I also went to school for film stuff, so i've done lots of costume stuff for like shorts and things you've made a lot of sure i've made a lot of shorts

that's what i'm trying to say zip them off it's pretty easy uh so yeah sometimes i just do that to keep the and that's why i was gonna say about costumes earlier is sometimes it's just a guy who had that costume because i've almost before but never have done people been like oh you have that pirate costume why don't you just wear that and like stand outside my store um so that's why i always think it's probably just the guy who had a spider-man costume oh like he just had it yeah from uh previous he spilled uh bolognese all over and couldn't return it to the costume shop. My main thing, I also, because like costume contests, if you got a win, you have to have the shoes, right? Yeah.

Well, my brother, Dan, he does his, every year he makes his own Halloween costumes. They've gotten progressively more elaborate over the years and like really quite amazing things so what were you last uh halloween um oh that is a good question i'm not sure i know yeah i partied too hard yeah uh yeah if you remember halloween you weren't really there okay i may have been nothing last Halloween. I'm all or nothing. Like some years I go nuts. Is that one of those pun costumes? Yeah, I painted half of my body completely see-through. And then you had a bunch of alls. You know, that you use for woodworking.

You know, that you use in the... What was the game show with Rebuses? Rebi? Was it Reba? Oh, the one that... Was it Classic Concentration? Yeah, Classic Concentration, yeah. They would always use an all to represent the word all.

Yeah, but it looked like a screwdriver, so people would often get kind of gummed up. So you don't remember last year. What was 2009 and 2009? Ah, oh man. I'm not sure I'm going to remember any of these. You may be barking up the wrong tree. I know big ones I've done.

Okay, let's just say, yeah, do the recap of the big ones. Yeah, let's do it your way. Jack Sparrow was a huge one, which I more did for a pirate-themed party, I think, in the summer. So, okay. And then the other big one that I did was Indiana Jones, because I'm a big fan of that. More did for a pirate-themed party, I think, in the summer. So, okay. Wow. And then the other big one that I did was Indiana Jones, because I'm a big fan of that.

Sure. And then the jacket I got from the tailor who made the original. Who made the shoes. Yeah, who made the shoes for Indiana Jones. And I had no idea how to make this jacket. It looks terrible. So, yeah. Those are my two biggest costume that's awesome to fame

there's a indiana jones is just pants and a jacket right yeah but like i have thumbs down kahlstrom oh this jacket is made by the man who made it for harrison ford and he like i was in england and he measured me for it. Oh, wow. Come on. It was made to measure. It was made to my measurements. It was even bespoke. I'll go one better. Oh, wow.

Because I got to choose like everything. Wow. And it's also obviously just a totally good leather jacket. Do you still wear it? I still have it hanging up. I don't wear it because I've been out in public and seen other guys with exact Indiana Jones jackets. And I always go, hey, man, nice exact Indiana Jones jacket. And now I'm afraid someone will call me on it.

And then they whip you? Yeah. Wow, that's, yeah, the pirate-themed summer party. Yeah, the pirate-themed summer party, I imagine there were a lot of people who just showed up with a bandana on, crappy eye patch that they got from the dollar store, etc. I once went to a porno pirate-themed party. Go on. And that was all. That was all the information we were given.

Porno pirate. And make it what you will. And I believe I used a condom wrapper a la Lisa Left Side Loving as an eye patch. And I had a hook for a penis. Oh, see, I was going to say, did anybody use a sex toy as a hook? Oh, in the other way.

Well done. Well done, Porno Pirate Party. Yeah, but you can't recall the other ones? They're that forgettable for you. Well, yeah, because those other two had so much work into them. This was, I should say, years ago. I feel like I wasn't. Wait, it sounds like you didn't put, I'm still on the Indiana Jones thing.

One guy put work into the jacket. You found some pants. Maybe that's fair enough. I feel like I did a lot of work researching it. I also got the bag which i ordered from the internet really wow so like how much how long in advance did you work on that costume like halloween's like near the end of october i think yeah um yeah exact end of october uh that is a good question i kind of just like worked on it for like a year

like year round and then finally it was halloween and i was like no like i wasn't like this is i didn't even plan on it as a halloween i was just gonna i just wanted to have it in my arsenal you should have got your friend to dress up as a giant boulder yeah you were on the whole night like a big styrofoam boulder that would have been awesome look all scared uh so many good photo ops uh the embarrassing thing is then i wore that costume to the premiere of the new indiana jones no because it gets more embarrassing because then they interviewed me on the news big labuff fan and uh oh man man, that was like-minded. I feel like on the news interview, I should have been like, oh, can we just do that again?

I want to sound less. Yeah, can we do that again and with me not in this costume? But the other thing that sucked. Can you give me that tape? And they're like, see ya. The thing that sucked is that that movie, well, that movie is the thing that sucked. And then they were like, so you're obviously a big fan. What did you think?

And on the one hand, like, I felt obligated to this guy not to give him the soundbite that was like, it sucks. Like, the one guy who dressed up did not care for this movie. It's the clip heard around the world. So I was just like... Did you say you should have worked in Indiana Jones' catchphrase? Uh-oh, snakes. Does he have a catchphrase?

I don't think he ever says, uh-oh, snakes. Nazis are king. Oh, so yeah. Wow. Every conversation topic we have had so far has not ended are things that i am super embarrassed about that's great um bike i'm not embarrassed on my bike i'm getting in really shorts i'm getting in good shape so i'm in front of that yeah how about those calves no let's talk about my calves no i mean the cleveland cavaliers um no but we if just in case people are lost If they didn't hear your call last week

You called in and overheard And you saw me You were dressed as a bee Outside of a drugstore I was going inside to buy mouth lube And Dave was dressed like Dr. Richard Kimball From the fusion

And then Thank you And then, uh, thank you. And then you, uh, uh, considered chasing me in, but didn't. No.

Okay. I didn't consider chasing you in. I considered trying to like flag you down, but then, but you respected the fact that I did not want to talk to a star, a foam rubber bee. Yeah. Cause you look,

looked scared. He didn't want to get stung. Everybody gets scared around. Yeah. It was, uh, I, I had to go. I had to buy something. Yeah. And that is the, like, why do stores do that?

No one wants to go into your store if you have a bunch of stuff going on outside your store. I will say I don't feel like it was effective for them. Like, I kind of felt like when I took the, when they were like, okay, you're done, they were kind of like, oh, that was a waste of $20 that we're paying you. Not for us it wasn't. I would have paid you double. When you say bee costume, it was a big foam rubber thing. It wasn't the girl from the Blind Melon video. Yeah, no.

And like my, I was, like my face, I could see through the mouth, I think. But it's not like you could see my face or anything. That's how bees actually see through their mouths. It's sort of like how the male seahorse has... They see through their mouths and they shouldn't be able to fly. Fact. Is it true? Is that true?

Is it like a physics thing? Yeah, if you account their shape and their weight versus how big their wings are, every other thing that flies has a certain proportion. And bumblebees are completely off of that, and so they shouldn't be able to fly, but they do. So it's just that they work that much harder? Yeah, they're really dedicated to it. So, you know, if you want to fly. Yeah, they said Michael Jordan was never going to fly,

and boy, did he. R. Kelly believed he could. Yeah, but said Michael Jordan was never going to fly. And boy, did he. R. Kelly believed he could. Yeah, but he was wrong. So I feel like I want to know more about Andy Kallstrom's amazing world of fancy hobbies. And I want to try to remember more Harrison Ford catchphrases. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. Get off my plane. That's a good one.

Bring me back my son. That was a good one. That was payback. That was ransom. And it was Mel Gibson. Yeah. What was that one he was in? I didn't kill my wife.

Yeah, sure. It was a weird man. Yeah. He must have a catchphrase from star wars um well he said a bunch of things book it book it wookiee yeah book him wookiee punch it chewy um but uh i re-watched the the fugitive recently for your costume work. Yeah, sure. It was me jumping out of a giant drain pipe. No, but that scene where he jumps out of the giant

drain pipe, I remember it was in every preview for that movie, and every thing about that movie. It's the fakest looking dummy jumping out of the... His limbs going everywhere. That's how I would do it if I was jumping out his limbs going everywhere that's how I would do it

if I was jumping out of a dream fight just let it flow let my leg go over my head any other any other weird Andy Kallstrom hobbies that we should know about before we that's a good question I am kind of a serial hobbyist

like I've dabbled in so many things models go on what type of models supermodels no models inc yeah um well mostly like well i guess it doesn't really count as a hobby because i made them for a short film i made last year but making short films you make short films oh okay But is that a hobby if I went to school for it? When you've done something at a university level, I don't think it's a hobby. But it's something that you do. And that I didn't say in your intro, you make short films. Ah.

What type of short films are you making these days? The shortest. Yeah. I just turned the camera on and off real quick. Whatever it gets. The last one I made was about a woman on mars who uh drives around in a lamborghini there's like it's like a big car chase thing but we shot it all with hot wheels uh but it's oh man i should have a better pitch for it than this uh she breaks out of prison on mars okay that's good

and then recall yeah and then she goes back to the future yeah yeah uh and then she jumps out of a sewer drain uh then she meets up with her she goes back to the rebel base okay star wars yeah and then uh meets up with felma and louise that is pretty much how we wrote it because there she meets her girlfriend felma and louise nice um and she fights the cyborg yeti which is another costume i made oh wow what does that look like uh it's got think of a regular yeti yeah but missing half robot is it half robot what percentage it's not like a definite 50 50 it has light up eyes like that i made up it was a hockey mask yeah regular yetis have light up eyes uh have you not seen a real life yeti no they have kaleidoscope

eyes you're thinking of a different thing sure yeti in the sky yeah um the idea was i wanted to make a movie where every single thing of it was like handmade if that makes sense sure um so no store bought yeah except that yeah okay no store bought cyborg yeti costume for this guy i did not just and so all like blasters and stuff i like things like that well that's cool um can uh is there do you have is it online uh it's not online yet i'm uh sending it to film fests you're still looking for distro yeah i'm still looking for a distributor to put it on vimeo um but yeah well that's awesome that's awesome selena's another thing that i do i like uh uh the idea of being a serial um killer no i uh a serial a hobbyist yeah because i think i there were times in my life when i was like

yeah maybe i do want to get into comic books. Yeah. And then I read two and I was like, no, I don't want to get into comic books. It's a... And you make a little investment and you're like, why did I buy this book on card tricks? But that sounds like you are a serial hobbyist. Like if you bought the book, you did it a little bit. Yeah, I don't think I'm...

I think I've sort of taught myself a bit lately. Do you know any card tricks? No. You didn't even learn one? Well, no, the only one I... Well, it was like the first thing that you have to learn how to do is shuffle, and I can't. How to do the truffle shuffle? My favorite...

Well, the only card trick I can do is the one where I hand you a card. Yeah. And then I have the deck and behind my back i bend it and then you put your card back in the deck and yours is the only unbent card uh you just like gave away a huge bet i never knew how that worked i don't think that's a real one i think that's just that's like uh something a bully does to you well you get your magic money yeah you'll never be a magician now you're out of the league uh you should take up costumes you could be a short round no no no no no no no no no no no i taught myself that i don't want to do these hobbies. But you started that by saying you wish you could be. But you collect watches, right?

I don't collect watches. I like watches. Not fair enough. I can only wear one at a time. Well, that's not what Doc Brown said. Yeah, that's true. So, Dave, what's going on with you and your magical world of non-hobbies? Well, we last recorded an episode two days ago.

Yeah. And we, because we just realized... We had a scheduling flub. Yeah. Andy was kind enough to come in at the last minute. Yeah. Should have said that, and we greatly appreciate... Big score.

...my pleasure. And... I was working on a costume. Yeah. I took that off. Oh, not anymore. My sewing machine is not in Vancouver. I haven't done, done like costume stuff for

several years you're i think you're an adult now i'm very mature guys i have cool person stuff that i do everyone i like the way you laughed at the end there i don't believe that for a second it's like what seriously what's the name of your Etsy store? I did a... No, I don't have anything. I thought we would be recording later this week.

Turns out that's not the case. You and I were at the comedy club all weekend together. Doing our duo act that's very popular here in the Pacific Southwest. There aren't very many duo acts, but they are so easy. Yeah, I think so. Because we were talking about it, about how you would just have the set thing and then you would just...

Yeah, you'd have a prepared bit and then the rest of the time you just banter. And when the banter runs out of steam... Go back to a bit. Yeah. Yeah. Pull out the guitars, sing the song making fun of the local politician, etc. But yeah, when we were there, there was a couple moments when we were at the comedy club. The three giant guys that they

seated up front. I've never had that before where they seated the three biggest dudes in the place right up front. Like big, big, wide, you know, weightlifting, juicing situations. Yeah.

Three situations. Yeah, it really was. They were bigger than he. Yeah. Yeah, three situations. Yeah, it really was. They were bigger than he. Yeah, but just as Abby. Yeah, and thanks to everyone who came out and saw us. Oh, yeah, it was a good time. But we, yeah, when I went out on stage and there were those three guys in the front row, huge, rippled pectorals, etc. Yeah.

Two of the three were texting when I went on stage. Yeah. I ignored it. Yeah. I choose not to pick a fight. They're texting. The iPhone in their hand looks like a tiny box of raisins in a normal person's hand. I don't even know how they were hitting the numbers properly. It was so tiny it was a uh box of tic tacs and my other favorite

thing that happened uh was that show like that was the how was i left before your set how did that show go for you it was fine they did stay on their cell phones a lot but they weren't intrusive they were just up front not really interested in watching the show paid a 20 cover to text yeah probably insisted on sitting in the front row and uh yeah no it was fine yeah it was but we were we had just had a really good show earlier that night and we were afraid that the late show was going to be the worst yeah and uh ivan who was also on the show ivan decker past desk Ivan Decker past dest he overheard someone before the show

talking about how once they had been at a comedy club and they were such a good heckler that the club bought them shots which is just there's just no way any part of that is, uh,

true. It's impossible. Everything in that sentence is a hundred percent impossible that, uh, that, that like, uh, you know,

the club would buy you shots that will never, they don't even have to the comedians that worked on the show. They're not buying shots for audience members. Um, uh, and yeah, they don't encourage heckling maybe they were 98 percent of clubs don't encourage it maybe they thought the hecklers were like right on the verge

of passing up so they were like yeah yeah have the chance to stay awake alcohol will keep you up are you gonna pass out drink this no but yeah that's the thing like he you mean like they're about to pass out and the club's like let's get them to pass out yeah we'll carry them out of here or just then they'll shut up right yeah right okay i see yeah that's good logic it seems like something uh you would do in a cowboy time or uh yeah yeah it seems like a real gamble yeah oh it just made them more drunk oh it turns out they can drink a lot more than we do. They weren't even close. Yeah, and we just blew $300 on this bottle of premium tequila.

Yeah, because they could taste the difference. Start heckling the cheap tequila. Boo, you're a worm. Gross. And what else has been going on? I don't know. It's been two days. I'm dog sitting. Abby and I are dog sitting. This other dog, Pearl, is

a very smooth dog. Like a Boston Terrier. It's a Boston Terrier with a very smooth, human-like chest. Yes, and neck. It has the skin folds that an old man neck would have. It's a Boston Terrier with a very smooth, human-like chest. Yes. So hot. And neck. It has like the skin folds that an old man neck would have. So it's like, you know how you've always wanted to feel your grandfather's neck, but it's weird now?

But there's no way to approach it, yeah. Get a hot little dog. I mean hot, like temperature. Yeah, yeah. Make sure they're at least half a degree hotter than everything else in the room, otherwise you won't notice. Yeah, Pearl's delightful. Real friendly face.

Oh, oh, oh, here's another thing. A couple episodes ago, we were talking about our new favorite TV show, Gigolos. Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. It's a show about these gigolos in Las Vegas where it's legal to be gigolos. Yeah. And we watched another episode of that. It was great. Vin Armani had to invent a girlfriend and then break up with his girlfriend.

Yeah. The entire show is completely fake. Yeah, she was very obviously, like, she was, I don't know why they brought her in to play the role of the kind of like down to earth, like she looked like a prostitute. Yeah. But she's supposed to be there. Thanks for that.

She was supposed to be the like down to earth girlfriend that can't, you know, she's not really behind him being a gigolo, but like when you see her, you're like, but you're a hooker. Why would you have a problem oh and do

we even i don't think we ever talked about the episode before with the guy who wanted the rap career uh oh we maybe we didn't mention it no we did we talked about you did because i heard that did we talk about his raps that was something yeah we did i think we did a hot rhyme hot slime i'm pretty sure yeah you definitely did i heard that one i don't think we had even watched it by that time that episode anyway i guess so we're obsessed with this show yeah and it's well i mean if you see one episode you'll see why it's uh it's easy to get it's something i wish i could watch a marathon of just just to soak it in have you guys covered what is the difference between a gigolo and just a male prostitute? Are they different professions?

Nope, they're not different professions So one's just more for polite company Yeah, the guys on this show are kind of They're like escorts They're not streetwalkers If you meet the queen Tell her you're a gigolo Not a male prostitute

But be important, don't say jugalo Because she hates that. The Queen hates juggalos. You probably didn't know that, so you learned something here tonight, which is great. She knows all about juggalos, she hates them. And you, what's been going on with you? Speaking of watching television shows, I caught the better part of a Cake Boss marathon today You love it

I'm feeling fairly under the weather So I did watch a few episodes Back to back to back And as I've told you But maybe not on the podcast My favorite character is Maurizio Yeah, Maurizio the big fat bald guy Dumb guy

Big dumb guy He's the dumbest guy And I wish he had his own show Where every cake that he delivers has a face print of Maurizio in it somewhere. Because he's fallen down onto it. Or he's had a heart attack because he had a heart attack on the show that one time. Did he? Yeah. He was like, oh, buddy, my arm's tingling.

And then they took him to the hospital. Turns out that wasn't my real arm. It was a cake arm. No wonder I couldn't feel it. It was filled with cereal treats. Cereal treats, and I dropped it in milk. That's why it was tingling. Because I can't say Rice Krispie on the show.

And then the episode that I watched last was Maurizio's. It was his anniversary with with his wife and uh they made she like she's short she's kind of like an older snooki okay like uh really uh dark like a mature snooki yeah yeah like you know for a sophisticated yeah sure like a pistachio she uh uh they they made uh marizio and her out of uh you know modeling chocolate gross how big uh they made the cake and then made them riding on a scooter in uh in italy or something it was a hurricane back to a previous episode of oh sure a vesper yeah and uh uh they made the marizio and the guy who made the marizio like it looked exactly like him and then when marizio saw it he's like it looks like i'm 60 years old he looks like

he's 70 years old like he's a he's a horrible like he's in such bad shape it looked exactly like him it was a circle it was a sphere It was a circle with a question mark above it. Because he's dumb, always thinking, what's going on? With a light bulb that's not lit up. And then there was another episode. Do you ever watch Cakepops? I don't have cable.

Yeah, but do you download episodes of Cakepops? Go to TLC.com Have you ever downloaded a TV show? First what's the have you ever downloaded like a tv show first of all have you ever downloaded a tv show i've tried cards on the table uh no i you can stream everything i know like anything you want to watch you just stream well i back in the day i used to download queer eye for the straight guys and mtv cribs this was before youtube existed i am am so glad. Now there's an embarrassing thing about you in this podcast.

Oh, no. How do you think I got so... Wait, which one am I? The strike? How do you think I got so cribbed out? Yeah, the episode The Cake Boss was asked by NASA. To make a cake in space.

He made like a... Out of astronaut ice cream? He made a rocket ship cake, and it was giant. It was as tall as all the people in the bakery, and it was just ridiculous. It was giant. It was as tall as all the people in the bakery. And it was just ridiculous. And then they brought it to... They drove it all the way to Cape Canaveral. In Florida?

Yeah. From New Jersey. Yeah. They had it in the back of the truck. And they were interviewing the cake boss. And he's like, who knows what will happen? They open it up and a whole part of it is falling off. Maurizioio eat it quick

but then the thing the big reveal was they were going to put this giant cake on uh on a lift and these rocket like rocket fire came out from the bottom of the cake so it looked like it was uh taking off oh boo and uh but you could tell that the uh the lift they Oh, boo. but it's just like, uh, how much exposure do these cakes get before people, uh, have to eat them? You know, like they've been riding in the back of a truck from New Jersey to Cape Canaveral. There's no anything covering it.

They just put it in the back of the truck and then it's, then they put it on a lift. They make it fly. It's outside. It's in Florida. There's probably bugs. Yeah. Florida's the worst.

What do you think it's like to live in Cape Canaveral? Do you think any big acts ever come through there? Or is it just, what are we going to do for fun this week? There's a shuttle launch so we can either get excited or get ready to get really sad. Yeah, I wonder

if... I don't think anyone lives in Cape Canaveral who isn't affiliated with the space program. He's not a rocket scientist? It's like the Cupertino of space. So yeah, it would probably be a really highly educated group of people. So the type of entertainment, I guess you'd just skip it over if you were like Theory of the Dead Man or something. I kind of think of NASA as like, you know, yeah, super educated Hicks.

Like, engineer Hicks. I don't understand. I get it. Like, they're just like, strapping TNT to things to get it into space. Yeah, well, because it's all like, it might just be the South. I'm sorry to our listeners in the South,

but it's either Houston or Florida. Well, Houston, they had a problem. Yep. And they solved it. Yeah, they solved it with their short-sleeved dress shirts. Do they still wear those? That's the big question I have. I think NASA is probably the world leader in pocket protection technology.

But, yeah, like, it was really... You're probably right though like they're i don't know if anybody lives in cape canaveral that isn't affiliated like it so that by that right it would be it's like a factory store yeah and it all it sells is uh tang and those ice cream pellets yeah is it even a town though or is it just a base yeah maybe it's just a base it might just be the nasa base and then then everybody lives on the base yeah i don't know much about it geographically i don't know what the nearest city is uh the moon that's why they go there for supplies so is it is it near miami does j-lo go back and forth between cape canaveral and Miami? Buen bonito?

Bien bonito? The thing I don't understand is they keep sending up rockets. I'm not sure. I'm not, you know, super invested in paying attention, close attention. I don't really know what we're doing, though. I know the space station is still kind of happening. That's still a thing. We're waiting for a crisis there.

Yeah, but what are they doing? It's just a sordid experiment still that they're carrying out, you know, like on The Simpsons. Space's effect on tiny screws. Cakes in space. Space's effect on cake. We're going to send Maurizio to space to see what happens when you put an idiot on the shuttle. Well, we know what happens when you have an idiot on a shuttle. Everything goes haywire. We all saw that Harlan Williams movie.

Oh, right! Was it called Moon Spaceman? Moon Spaceman, yeah. Wasn't the whole gag from that movie that he farts in his spacesuit? Yeah, that was the whole gag. That's the only gag that I think they wrote. Moon spaceman. The whole gag is that he farts in his spacesuit.

And it blows up and it's like, you know, you see the green vapors or something. Yeah, because that's what farts are like in space. The effect of farts on space. Not the effect of space on farts, by the way. Yeah, exactly. Did it make the effect of space on farts, by the way. Yeah, exactly. Did it make the rest of space smell bad? Et cetera. In space, no one can hear you fart.

So, yeah. So, that's really all that's been going on. You know, my thoughts and prayers are with Maurizio that he doesn't have another heart attack. Sure. He will by the time this episode comes out. Although I did watch a bit of an episode of the spinoff show from Cake Boss that's hosted by Buddy Valastro. The Cake Boss. The Cake Boss.

And he does, it's called The World's Next Great Baker or something like that. And he's fit to judge this. I think they just got a bunch of morons in because it seemed like none of them knew how to bake at all. When they were moving the cake from the one platform to the other, all of their cakes fell apart. And I was like, but how are

any of these guys going to be the next great baker? I'm better at making a cake than these guys. Apparently. I don't think making a cake is that hard moving a cake is the is what makes you good at being a professional cake smith cake smith is the name of the harlan williams movie yeah where he farts into a cake. Now, before we move on to overheards, we have, as we do sometimes on the show, we have a message that somebody has paid for on the show. If you want to do that, you can email Teresa at MaximumFun.org. Yeah, if you're a business, I think it's $200. If you're a human, it's $100.

And this is one of the human ones. This is... Ah, the human touch. Bruce Springsteen. This is a birthday wish. Is that correct? A birth wish. It's a birth wish.

It's like the opposite of that movie, Death Wish. Yeah, this is a birth wish. It is to one Polly Robarts. Robarts. I hesitated there because we don't often give a last name, but people are paying good money. Yeah, and this is sent by her sister, Abby, who's probably her own person. Now, Polly, this was just sent to us as a reminder that she sent in a message to us about a homeless guy in Baltimore's weeping leg wound. I think it was probably Neighborhood Jerks.

His nickname, I'm sure, was Weeping Leg Wound Guy. Do you think his leg wound was like when someone sees a vision of the Virgin Mary and she's weeping yeah same thing maybe it just had that tattoo because it killed a man in prison oh yeah he just had a cut with a tattoo on the side uh dave said at the time that he loved the name polly dave says that he thinks that it was me who said i do love the name yeah i'm you're more likely to love a name um and now what do we know about this Polly?

She She's an animal lover So much so that she would Sooner pull an animal out of a burning building Than a human Lots of complaints from a human What if the animal was like killing a human Like a Cujo situation

But then it's both Because you're saving the human by pulling the tiger off it Yeah good call Kill call, Killstorm. Thanks, Killstorm. Derry gives her the wins. Ooh. Toodle-oots. Have a cup of milk and then blow out your candles with your butt.

Yeah. It was a dark and stormy night. Now, I think this is especially sweet. Young Polly hand-knits tiny hats for premature babies and donates them to the hospitals, which I think is amazing. Yeah, that's something Andy does with his hat-making abilities on Etsy. Yeah, he makes little fedoras. Yeah, that he charges a lot of money to those premature babies. For babies that suffer from the sting.

Only babies who are premature because of bold are pushed them out. Fair enough. They're prematurely cool. Yeah. And just as a one-up deal, she always puts a towel down when sitting on the couch naked. I want to learn more about this.

I don't. Oh, really? My couch, my rules. Your couch, my rules. What is she doing on the couch? Is she playing video games naked? She's making tiny hats. Yes video games naked? She's making tiny hats. Yes, the secret. She's making tiny hats. A hat's in wind.

Let's see. Is my boob the size of a premature baby's head? Yeah, sure it is. I will try the hat on my boob. Is that what she does? I think it's pretty subtle. She calls them her preemies. Anyways, happy birthday, Polly Roark.

Yeah, the best sister in the world, according to your sister, Abby. Yeah, and thanks for being a fan of the show, and a very happy birthday indeed. And yeah, God bless us, everyone. Do you want to move on to some overheards? Totes. Overheard. Overheards. Do you have a pair of ears or a pair of eyes that are in working order then you can participate

in this here segment did you say or? yeah one or the other you don't have to have both you don't even need a pair of eyes you don't need depth of perception or you could be a lip reader you don't need any ears but you do need an eye

at least one eye to do lip reading but if you wanted to send in a braille thing that you thought was funny, I'd be in for that. Yeah, or if you're good at, you know how blind people want to know what you look like by touching your face? And then they can touch your mouth and over here, over feel something you're saying. They feel Maurizio's face and then the model and they go, it's exactly the same. You're a very lucky man. His wife just looks like him with a wig. Now we'd like to start with the guest, Andy.

All right. You were kind enough to call in one last week. You say you've got another one in the tank. Yeah. We can't just play my first one again? Yeah. in the tank yeah uh we can't just play my my first one again uh yeah i was on the bus and there were these two teenage girls uh and one of them was explaining kung fu pan i think the first kung fu panda to her friend for quite a while because i got the impression they were on the way to see kung fu panda and then they started talking about something like another movie. And she went and the one girl went, it has that actor, Keith Sutherland.

And this this guy in a suit went, no, it's Kiefer Sutherland, not Keith Sutherland. So establishing himself very. And then he goes, he's Emilio Estevez's brother. And then, he started asking them what they thought about this whole Charlie Sheen thing. So he thinks the three of them are brothers.

They're all brothers. Wow. And their dads are Donald Sutherland and Martin Sheen. And they were the inspiration for the show My Two Dads.

Yeah. Charlie Sheen as Paul Reiser. My Two and a Half dads oh wow that is that was epic as it was happening I was like oh that is great and it kept going well that's the end

he tried to talk to them for a while and then finally I think one of them was like well it's been nice talking to you and just turned away can you do that? I thought it was great of her though Finally, I think one of them was like, well, it's been nice talking to you and just turned away. And the guy was just... Can you do that? I wish I could. I thought it was great of her, though, because they were so young.

It's been nice talking to you, Andy. Just kidding. JK, lol. JK, lolling. Pretty good. No, you had more. No. I mean, what I mean is that there just were all those levels.

He was telling them for a while and no, there was no more. It was fine. All right. It was great. It was great. It was great. It was very funny. I'm being mean to Andy tonight. I wish that I could see a cake

that was inspired by that overheard. All right. Listeners? I have never seen Cake Boss. Stop doing that. I haven't even seen a lot of cakes in my life. Think of Cake Boss. He's like a more...

You know what Aids of Cakes, obviously. He's more like less hipstery more goomba yeah oh i do not get any of that is a goomba from mario what oh yeah goombas are those little guys oh no no those are koopas oh well you said less goomba yeah goombas are uh i was thinking of the uh that series of books by that one guy from the sopranos the goombas are... I was thinking of that series of books by that one guy from The Sopranos, The Goomba's Guide to... Oh, yeah.

To overeating. Goomba-ya. The Goomba's Guide to Linux. The Goomba's Guide. He just did a series of dummies books, but for Goombas. All for the computer. The Goomba's Guide to Fishing.

That doesn't really answer my question of what a goomba is goomba is like uh an italian guy in a tracksuit i don't know is that right like a marizio picture like a marizio tracks less like duff from ace of cakes more like marizio from cake boss oh so angry yeah need to get on k-pop Dave? oh okay well we are living in a city that has a fantastic hockey team we're in the Stanley Cup finals by the time this episode

comes out we will have won three games and it'll be the cup will nearly be ours unless we don't in which case my prediction is untrue now somebody wrote to us and said that they wanted to do a similar thing to what unless we don't, in which case my prediction is untrue. Now, somebody wrote to us and said that they wanted to do a similar thing to what Jesse Thorne had done on Jordan, Jesse Go,

where he challenged somebody from the city that they were up against in the World Series. You know, like in this case, if Vancouver won, then this person from Boston would have to send us something Boston related. And if the Boston won, we would have to send them something Vancouver related. Sure. They would have to send us Boston Rob from Survivor. And we would have to send them Joshua Jackson from Fringe. I don't...

We can do that, I guess. I don't care. I mean, like, I care so much. I don't care. Like, I guess I don't care I care so much We have no rivalry with this team This is a personal thing for me I mean because you hate Harvard Sure Well because

No reason Because I went to Yale Or because of a Facebook movie Yeah No I Because I went to Yale? Or because of a Facebook movie? Yeah. No. Yeah, no. I have no connection with Boston.

I'm not angry at them yet. We've had a week off from hockey. We have not played them yet. Yeah, it's just I've waited my whole life doing this Stanley Cup. And I hope I do. I don't care about you guys Would you feel good like what do you think how awesome would it be if

one of the stars of Cheers came out to sing the national anthem before one of the games Oh man I sure hope it's like the guy who was at the bar whose name you never knew Paul or whatever. Maybe he had suspenders on.

Yeah, I hope it would be him or... I would want Bebe Neuwirth. I hope it would be Vera, which was Norm's wife, and you never saw her. Yeah, and it's the big reveal. And then it's just Maurizio in a wig. No, he could just come on and relay the national anthem. So Vera says to me, I'll say, can you see? Yeah.

Et cetera. Right? Vera was like, didn't they do the same joke on Frasier with Miles' wife Maris? Maris, yeah. Same joke. Yeah. Except instead of her being Dowdy, which was Norm's wife, she was very prickly and very proper. Oh, I thought she was just, like, very fragile.

Like, she had always come down with some illness because she was such a... She was like a twig. Yeah, right. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Okay, there's your history. Yeah. So anyway,

Go Canucks Go. Yeah. So we are in the midst of this Stanley Cup playoffs and we, there have been so many bad, like, tribute songs.

Song parody songs. That have made it onto the internet that people posted on their facebook pages like dozens of them oh yeah yeah and i was walking by the library downtown the other day and there was a guy rapping for this camera and he was oh and he was wearing a canucks jersey and so he was rapping a song about the team. Sure. And there was a family of tourists walking by as he was doing this. And I overheard, it was a dad and his wife and his son. And I overheard the dad say, that was really good.

I mean, I don't like rap. And I hate the Canucks. Viral videos make my blood boil. They're all the worst. Every one of them is the worst. Here's the thing is I love this hockey team. I hate every single fan. That seems to be like going way back to maybe,

I don't know when that started being a tradition in cities where probably like in the 20s or something oh yeah where people would incorporate the name of a sports team into a well-known song saying like you know we're gonna win the championship um it but it has exploded because i remember seeing uh because it was last year chic won but the thing about Chicago is there's lots of songs about Chicago that you could just sing there's a whole musical about it exactly

but every other city has to take a popular song insert their town name into it and it's embarrassing almost every single one of them is the one that was featured on Jordan Jesse Go during the world And it's embarrassing. Almost every single one of them is, you know. The one that was featured on Jordan Jesse Go during the World Series.

Ashkahn had the Don't Stop Believing. But they only did the Don't Stop Believing as the chorus. Yeah. Well, I remember when Vancouver got this player named Pavel Bure in the early 90s. He was the Russian Rocket. And in his first year, he won Rookie of the Year. And there were two songs about him. One was to the...

His name was Pavel Bure. So Bure is his last name. B-U-R-E. One was to Wooly Bully. It was Bure Bure. Pretty good. And one was to Louie Louie, and it was beret beret. I remember when in Calgary, I was visiting my family, and they were making a pretty good run for the cup.

And the song that it caught on there was 250 cents in the club. It was, you can find me in the dome. The saddle dome. The saddle dome. Really horrible. Two white guys. They always are. Yeah.

Got to be. I have never heard of this phenomenon in Victoria. No. Where I'm from. But I remember Pavel Bure. I had the t-shirt of him. I never heard that song. And there was the big...

You gotta listen to a lot of radio. Yeah. But now it's just viral videos. Oh yeah, they're just trying to kill time. Wait, I work in radio. We're different. But there was, in the Super Bowl this year, there was a song that really took off for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

And it was black and yellow, black and yellow, black and yellow. And our friends at the Orland Curtain blog, past guests, they posted every hockey team in the league. Their fans have done a song about the colors of the team. Oh, really? Yeah. Vancouver is blue and green, blue and green. Of course. It's an easy pattern to follow.

Yeah. I don't know patterns like our friend Taylor. Name two colors. Yeah, exactly. I can't. I can't do it. Okay. Sorry about sports talk, everybody.

Welcome back to sports talk. Oh, man. There was a show I used to listen to when I was a kid. Sports talk? It was called Sports Talk with Dan Russellsell listen every night 10 to 12 he's still alive he's just mishearing him yeah i got you i've since discovered that there are better sports broadcasters sure yeah um graham you there we go it was just waiting for an in, you know? I was hoping to overhear something better than what I had.

But, you know, you gotta play the hand you're dealt, right? Better know when to hold them. Exactly. Lemonade. lemonade um so i yeah i just caught the the very beginning of what i feel was going to be an epic rundown it was going to be it was going to be an epic rundown of uh of things that this girl was going to get off her chest it was two girls walking down the street and i was walking in the opposite direction and her intro to this was so you've heard all the horrible rumors about me and that's all i got that's all i got wow do you mean you hoped you were gonna overhear more

of that no i thought i would just see overhear something that was more because i always like to have something that has a definite ending to it not just a snippet that leaves you wanting more oh yeah so much more i would have turned on my heel. Yeah, I want to hear the horrible rumors about it. Well, now our imaginations are running wild about this girl. I know. Well, she seemed like a pretty wild girl.

She had everything bedazzled. Everything she was wearing. Sure. You've heard the horrible rumors about me. Everything I wear is bedazzled. True. I have six toes. Total. We also have overheards that are sent in to us by our listeners, our bumpers, if you will. You can send in ones to StopPodguysYourself at gmail.com if you are interested in that

kind of thing. Please. If that's your secret hobby do it go right it's a good way to get on the show yeah absolutely so you have to start somewhere yeah uh some guy wrote us yesterday and said i've sent in so many overheards and i've called them in can you please give me a shout out yeah what was his name was it jay oh sure hey jay car i think it was clark oh clark skeet munchkin Skeet Munchkin. Skeet Munchkin. Clarv sounds like such a made-up name.

It was Dref. Gloove. Clarv Clint. Fenderston. Yeah, it was Garfold. Pernal. It's weird how I know their first names and you know their last names. Well, I always just know people by their last names. Had he phoned in a lot of overheards that you guys have played? No. And he just wanted to shut up?

He's never had one played. He's never made it. Oh, man. But now he has, because we all said, hey, hey, drop. Drop. Tappan. Drop. Drop.

Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop.

Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop.

Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop.

Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop. Drop.

L. Christopher L. is, uh, this is courtesy of high school. I, uh, I walked by two boys in my grade talking in the hallway and heard this snippet. Boy one, no, I'm telling you, Theodore, it's of men

and mice. You dummy. Maybe he wasn't correcting him on the title. Just, life is of men and mice uh it was fair enough you know um uh i do like what it was like you're over it when someone pretends or someone acts like they're smarter than you and then they're the wrongest yeah i'm telling you he's keever Sutherland is Charlie Sheen's brother. So good.

Emilio. Kiefer Sutherland is Emilio Estevez in Mighty Ducks 4. This next one comes from Jonathan L. This is an overheard from maybe half a year ago in the Toronto subway. This is an overheard from maybe half a year ago in the Toronto subway. Anywho, this girl rushed into the subway as the door was closing, using her bike to stop the doors from shutting. This prompted the conductor to announce over the PA, just so you know, we are going to be delayed because someone couldn't wait for the next subway.

A few chuckles and laughs ensued, and the bike girl was enraged and bursted out, Who laughed? One of the passengers across from me pointed to her friend, which made them laugh and giggle even harder. The bike girl then shouted, What the fuck? You should be more considerate. I am having a bad day. What if this happened to you? Two seconds later, we arrived at the next stop with the usual jerky motion. The bike then fell on top of her bike causing more hilarity that is the best i love her friend pointing oh yeah she was the one who laughed and everybody's just having a really good time

that sounds real fun yeah it's uh now do you take your bike ever on the I've never done it. I don't know how I'm scared of that thing on the front of the... I mentioned that in the last episode about how that's what was keeping me from being a biker. From being a cyclist. But you can bike everywhere faster, usually, than waiting in stupid traffic.

Then you feel like you've held everyone up. Sure. It's not for me. There's built-in sections on the train that are just for bikes i mean i may have taken my for men yeah i've taken my sort of bike on the train once but never the bus sure um there's a thing on the front of the bus you just put your bike on it away you go yeah but you have to flip it down and everyone else's bike will fall off when you do it. Yeah, you're going to do it wrong.

You're going to ruin everything. Yeah. This last one comes from Danielle F. This is Danielle from Indiana. That's what the F stands for, from Indiana. I was in Rome last week. Ooh. Right?

Roman holiday. Yeah, she was on vacation, and I was viewing Rome last week. Ooh. Roman holiday. Yeah, she was on vacation. And I was viewing the Roman Forum. Ooh, you know who went on vacation to Rome? Oh, the... The boss of cakes. I was going to say... I can't remember his name now.

The guy from Vacation. Oh, Clark Griswold. Clark Griswold. They were on vacation vacation She was on vacation And I was viewing the Roman Forum Which is the ancient part of the city Some people who looked like they would fit in With the cast of Jersey Shore

Were standing next to me And I heard one of them say Wow, this must be like 200 years old Correct At least At the minimum 300 isn't jersey shore in rome right now uh yeah the second season apparently takes place again i know what you think yeah second season took place at cape canaveral actually miami tanning. Yeah. They wanted to go up there, so they were closer to the sun. That seems like a good, like for a kid's joke book for the Jersey Shore.

Why did JWoww go to space? I bet the NASA gym tan laundry situation is really great. I bet there's gym tan laundry training. Guys, in addition to overheards that have been sent in, I don't like my pronunciation of overheards,

overheards that have been sent in via text message. Go on. There's just no overheards that have been

emailed in. We also have a telephone line that you can call. It's Klondike 5. It's Klondike 5. It's 206-339-8328.

These people have called us in. Listen to them. Hey, Graham and Dave. It's Jesse from Allentown, Pennsylvania. I work retail, and I walked out of the back room of the store one day to hear a mother saying to her maybe three- or four-year-old child, if you don't knock it off, I'm going to karate chop you in the throat. A new mom.

Yeah. That's how you speak to a kid. That's all they know. Karate chop to the throat. Yikes. Although it's not really karate if you're not using it for self-defense. Yeah, the kid has to come at you. But if the kid's driving you crazy, then you can use the crazy defense yeah you can use insanity you complete insanity yeah which is a kind of defense uh wow that's pretty good that's effective parenting as far as i'm

concerned i i'm glad that the threat exists i don't really want to see a kid get karate chopped in throat i do but maybe like uh i i think i maybe would prefer to see a simulation yeah like i'd like to see one of those uh ultimate warrior oh yeah ultimate uh was that what was it called deadliest warrior ultimate warrior is a motivational speaker a right-wing wrestler yeah yeah a cg bait or child yeah like one of those uh is it uh tokyo television station that does the taiwan i think taiwan that does the reenactments with the animation i'd like to see that a kid getting chopped yeah but like just where they loop it you know how they show like this is an animation test that we're doing of a kid getting chopped karate chopped in the throat.

And then just loops it. Yeah. They should do that whenever they do... Do they still do tests of the emergency broadcast system? I haven't seen one in a long time. I'd probably fast forward. It's tough because probably... That doesn't span satellite, does it?

Like, if you were watching Channel 297 with the emergency broadcast system... No, sometimes I watch stuff. Like, I'll be watching a Michigan station or an Atlanta station. And they will have scrolling, like, flood warnings. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. And I'll be like, this does not apply to me. Boring.

Yeah, turn it off. I think they do it through text now now i think you get a text on your phone because didn't we have an earthquake drill in vancouver last year we did i think so i feel like i missed that how'd you do uh i accidentally stopped dropped and rolled which is the wrong thing i was just you called the poison control? It just so happened that you were rolling around at the time. Yeah. And I think part of it was that some people got texts that said, this is an earthquake drill.

Right. Pretend you're scared. And you're not supposed to stop. Were they pranking you? Yeah. It's like, you're not supposed to stop, drop, and roll. You're supposed to shake, rattle, and roll. Yeah.

Stop, drop, and roll is for fires. Yeah. Shake, rattle, and roll is for earthquakes Stop, drop, and roll is for fires. Yeah. Shake, rattle, and roll is for earthquakes. I never really understood, why do I have to stop? Why can't I just keep my pace going, drop, and roll? Oh, because, I know, because the oxygen, right, is making the fire go crazy if you're running around. Oh, but I'm rolling around. Yeah, but what if you were walking down a hill anyways and you caught on fire?

Yeah, just drop and roll. I would just let yourself... fire yeah just drop and roll i would just let yourself just drop and roll because you shouldn't try and roll back up the hill to put the flames out you won't go fast enough unless you were you're on a hill because you're lighting an olympic torch then you would want to roll towards always roll towards the torch yeah always roll towards the fire yeah you want to roll into the torch yeah it's like leaning into a turn when you're driving. Exactly. It's the same principle.

Yeah. You remember that from when you had a car. Yep. Those were heady days. Hi, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Lauren in Portland with a perplexing overseen. There is a car in front of me on the highway with a license plate frame that says,

Save my job. Don't floss. So dentist, right? It's a dentist. It's a joke. But then the license plate says DR for DK. So as I read that, that says

doctor for dick. He's a testicle doctor. Yeah, your dick is your testicles, right? Your guys' isn't? It's doctor for decay. For decay, tooth decay. Yeah, tooth decay. That's Dentist Tooley's favorite letters,

DK. Maybe he's Donkey Kong's doctor. You have eaten too many bananas. You throw too heavy of barrels. You're an old Kong. I think your nephew would be better at most things than you. Did he? Isn't he?

Did he? He did. I got there eventually. That was his name, right did he come did he it is no there's a whole bunch of them oh really yeah and they all all have the same louis yeah yeah smith wesson uh it's so that's a doctor with he's got a funny bumper sticker that says keep me in business don't license plate frame yeah oh right but a, he's got a funny bumper sticker that says, keep me in business, don't floss. Or license plate frame. Yeah. Oh, right. But it's, he's, but he, he doesn't mean that though.

Like, to the kids listening, floss. Yeah, floss. He would rather that you floss and he doesn't get to buy a private jet, I think. Because he loves teeth and gums. Yeah, but he's not buying a private jet. No dentist is buying a private jet. I don't know for a fact that they're not. I don't know for a fact that they're not. I don't know for a fact that they are.

Listen, are you thinking of Benny and the Jets again? I don't know. I'm thinking of a private jet made out of cake and cereal treats. A tiny jet that would fit on a table. Yeah, but one person could get it. But for some reason it had rocket flames shooting out the back of it. Yeah. And it was on a skateboard

slowly moving across the table. Everyone, come on, get really excited. Go higher. Go faster. Go more forward. Go higher.

That's my voice. And finally, babe. Hey, Dave and Graham, this is Andy from Pittsburgh calling in with an overheard. I was out shopping today and I heard a, I guess he was a regular at the place I was shopping, talking to the person working the store.

And he said, hey, did you hear about Frank? He's in intensive care. And the worker said, oh really, why? And the guy said, he got too big. And then there was a short pause and the worker said, again? Too big. Yeah. Too big for this town.

Yeah. Too popular. Yeah. His head got too big. He got too proud of his achievements. There's a lesson there. Yeah. Yeah.

Keep it humble, people. Yeah. And floss. Those are the two lessons to take and wear sunscreen yeah well everybody's free um so if you want to be somebody who calls in uh please at 206-339-8328 or stop podcast yourself at gmail.com now andy you were talking about you make short films wait do we want to can we play some drunk dials uh sure yeah are you in a hurry uh no um i have to get up early tomorrow that's all but yeah no let's uh how early do you have to get up six okay so we can't play 10 minutes of drug dials oh give me the sass dude over there Drunk Tiles let's play the theme song When I was a child Didn't know what a phone was Never tasted liquor either

But one day When I grew up Put two and two together Drunk Tiles Telling my girlfriend to start her period Drunk Tiles Telling my friend he looks like a wolf man Drunk Tiles Calling Future Shop and asking for Best Buy okay so i mentioned the reason i wanted to play these drunk dolls is because i mentioned in the last episode that we've been getting a lot of people who uh who call in drunk and then say, don't play this call.

Or like, we got this one guy from a Massachusetts area code, and he called us like three times in one night and then called us the next morning and said, you can't play any of those calls. And then he called us like the next night three times. He didn't learn his lesson. And then he said, you can't play any of these calls. And then he calls...

You could tell he is in the background of this phone call that a girl is calling. So it's his friend or girlfriend or wife or whatever. Oh, same, please. No, no, no. He never called back after this and said, don't play this. Okay.

Hey, this is Debbie. You guys are absolute bullshit. And you're Canadian. What the frig is that all about? All right. Huh? They eat poutine. You eat poutine. Don't be confused with poutine.

And they watch hockey. And you watch hockey. Seriously, who watches hockey? Oh, wait. It's just you Canadians. That's right. I totally forgot. Poutine.

Nice job. Well done. You hit all the points that I asked you to. Yeah. Do you think he was like, I keep screwing this up, honey. I'll coach you through it. I just want to be confused on what a Canadian is and talk about Putin.

If you can throw in a Putin-Tang joke, all the better. Or Pootang, as you said. Were his other ones that racist? We're not a race. Yeah, fair enough. That regionalist? Yeah. No, I think, yeah, I think they were.

I don't really remember. He called a while ago. That's very funny. But every call we get, we get your phone number. So we'll be drunk dialing you. We know it was the same guy. That's very funny. I don't really remember the other ones of these, but there's a couple more drunk dials.

Okay, yeah, please. Good job. Yeah, if you're sober right now, program our number into your phone, 206-339-8328, and then get drunk and dial us. Yeah, don't do it to a friend or a girlfriend of yours. Hi, this is Adam out of beautiful Bloomington, Indiana. And I'm drunk. And I just wanted to let you guys know that it is indeed kind of freaky

to have a praying mantis land upon you. It's happened to me many times. Goodbye. Yeah, no doubt. I just like his attitude. He seemed really pleasant. Yeah, I want to go drink it with that guy and his praying mantis friend

that was in the room coaching him on. Good job! Okay, there's two here that I don't remember what they are. I think they're from the same guy, though. Not the same guy as before. Oh, okay. Hey guys, I never thought I would actually call.

I'm kind of scared now. I'm pretty drunk. This is Drunk Dial. I'm kind of scared now. I'm pretty drunk. So this is Drunk Dial. Been listening to a lot of Spy lately because I listened to all the other Max Fun podcasts. I was like, I'm going to give you guys a shot. Really liked it straight off the bat. I've noticed you guys don't do as many segments.

I'm not all the way caught up. I've got maybe, I mean, I just listened to the New Year's one with the countdown. You guys went 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5. And then Graham said, oh, tune in next time. I haven't tuned in next time. I will. The reason I'm calling you guys is because I'm drunk. Not actually drunk enough yet, so I might leave you another message.

I do apologize, but I leave these messages, so I don't leave them for my friends. I'm on a dating site. I don't know why. I'm semi-attractive. I shouldn't need a dating site. It got spammed. Because in my profile, it said, oh, if you like Maximum Fun, contact me. And this person said, oh, I like Maximum Fun.

When did you meet him? And Maximum Fun's not a person. You know, this message sucks. I'm never going to make the podcast. Oh, I'm sorry. I do like you guys. Thanks for listening to my call. I apologize.

If we meet in real life, I don't even think I gave a name. I'm good to go. Love both of y'all. Bye. Wow, that bye was weird. Don't tell anyone. Oh, he gave his name at the end. Someone from Boston. Don't tell anyone. Did he apologize for not being drunk

enough part of the way through? No, I think he apologized for being too drunk. Oh, because I was going to say he seemed plenty drunk. I don't think that it's just unattractive people on dating sites. I think there's a broad range of looks, styles, ages. Yeah. You know, incomes, interests. The thing is, there's plenty of fish.

Yeah. Yeah, and the maximum fun. You're in the lab of life. I only know two guys who are on dating sites and they're both fairly handsome yeah like among the look if there's anywhere that you want to be if you're really handsome it's a dating site because 90 of it is looking at people's pictures and going hey they look really good i bet they're they have a good personality yeah i bet it's i bet it works against their self-esteem though because i bet people think

those ones are fake if i saw someone too good looking on a dating site this guy's a ringer i'd be like yeah this is just one they show you to like so you'll sign this is like so you'll get you'll buy the wallet it comes with a picture of a handsome looking guy in it oh yeah you guys you guys leave those in all right so people think that you have handsome friends. I don't remember how I labeled these, but I think it's the same guy who called back again. Oh, okay. Hey, Dan Graham.

I called earlier. Sorry about being so drunk. I'm drunker now. I'm more composed. Just wanted to say I love the podcast. Love both of you guys. I've been working my way slowly through your archive. Last summer I did JJ Go. Now I've been working of you guys. I've been working my way slowly through your archive. Last summer I did JJ Go.

Now I've been working on you guys. And then MBA and Bim Bam came. So I'm almost all caught up on everyone. Love you guys. Wish you guys did more segments. I really, really love everything you guys wish you guys did more uh segments

we're doing drunk I really really love everything you guys do I have no favorites love you all the same so thank you for all the entertainment

you give me I really wish both of you were here right now to talk to me until I went to sleep you're not I dropped the phone

alright I guess I'll cut this short talk to you guys later love the show keep it up bye it's a different guy because the other guy

had listened to all of the maximum fun catalog and this guy was making his way through the boom boom boom yeah i think it's the same guy i think it's got to be the same guy i think it's a different guy because i labeled it the drunk guy one and drunk guy two it's got to be the same guy drunk guy hey it's drunk guy from

pittsburgh don't use my name i don't think it was the same guy because he he kept saying i love you too instead of love you all which was seemed to be the other guy's calling card. He was more drunk, and that's the wild one. Yeah, but he might have called in an overheard. No, I think I do know for a fact it's the same guy. I don't think it is. I think it was the same phone number. I'm skeptical.

Maybe it's two roommates who both love your guy's show. Who have a landline in this day and age. I'm skeptical. I think it's two different guys. Maybe two co-workers. Yeah, calling from the same office. Can I borrow your phone? I'm drunk. Calling from the same

office party. That's right. They go in the conference room. The mid-May office party. The Memorial Day office party. So, yeah, he mentioned the other fantastic podcasts At MaximumFun.org You should all check them out Yep, my brother, my brother and me George and Jesse Go

Sound of Young America Etc He also mentioned that he wished we did more segments Well He also wished that we were at his house So not all wishes can come true We'd love to do more segments But these shows can only be so long

That's right And we can show up at your house That's the one that we're willing to do But actually right now I don't know if it'll still be going on But at the time of recording this People are on our Facebook group People are There's a poll going of what's your favorite segment of recording this, people are on our Facebook group.

There's a poll going of what's your favorite segment, and maybe that's the segment we'll do next. Yes! There you go. Democracy works. Are there more? No, that's done. Thanks, everyone, for being drunk. And thanks for dropping your phone. That really was the icing on the drunk dial cake.

I dropped my phone in the toilet. Oh, was the icing on the drunk dial cake. I dropped my phone in the toilet. Oh, Maurizio ruined the drunk dial cake. Now, Andy, you're a filmmaker. You're a comedian. People don't know you. Costumer. Costumer. Costume enthusiast.

I tail. Yeah, you tail. You tail. You cobble. Yeah. You swiftly tailor. you haberdash where can people find you online

where do they go to see some more of or learn some more about Andy Kallstrom my Etsy store no I'm kidding Indiana Jones

jackets custom made costumes go to the Indiana Jones costumes site look at all the snakes! Oh, snakes!

Here come more snakes! I think his catchphrase would be Nazis, I hate these guys. You've never heard of the Millennium Falkman? Falkman? You've never heard of Millennium Falkman? You've never heard of millennium falcon you've never heard of william faulkner

um uh i don't have a huge online footprint uh but you can see me if you go to the dependent.ca in a web series called the chris james show i appear okay like chris james uh yeah i play local comedian chris james nice um i like write that and i also am or i help write it i don't write the whole thing you said you like write that i mean there's a detached yeah it's like i write that i don't actually uh so i'm in that that basically writes itself and i help out yeah well it's writing it i i type it i try to drive it um so yeah that is uh online and then i also do a live show or is that a separate thing no go ahead uh i do a live or i'm in a live stand up show every tuesday night here in vancouver uh which i run with past guest jane stanton

as well as my roommate ross douke uh every Every Tuesday night around 9 o'clock at Raw Canvas in Yaletown, 1046 Hamilton Street. That sounds about right. I love a Vancouver show that starts around 9. Around 9-ish. That is being honest, right? Excuse me for not lying. Don't be a weirdo and show up on time. Be cool.

Yeah, we secretly think less of people who are there at like 8 45 9 15 is the rule yeah yeah um cool i'm disappointed in audiences when we start on time because they're all there yeah well i went i just i was at uh your show for the first time uh uh this past week was it and it was fantastic and uh it's half of the restaurant is a regular kind of bar and then the other half is people on first dates painting things on canvases. Yeah.

A guy draws a big wiener going inside of the jar and then he writes you and me? Oh man, why did that make me laugh so much? Because I just turned 12 uh dave anything uh plug wise i think this week we will be at max fun con come see us at max fun con well no you're already gonna go if you're gonna go if you're gonna go you're gonna go yeah let's share some

s'mores um uh and then uh next week you and i will be performing with one Hannibal Buress. That's right. At the Biltmore. The Biltmore, home of such concerts as Anvil. Yeah, Anvil tonight. And I, as of the same as last week, this week, still selling beard paintings in aid of my friend buying a new wheelchair. So you can go to eBay, type in beard paintings.

First thing that pops up will be one of the things I, or type in my name. First thing will pop up. And I'll put a link on the Maximum Fun Forum that you can find. Oh, and can I make a challenge to that guy who started the fuckyagrahamclark.tumblr.com? Yeah, you want to finish that? Yeah, you want to do that yeah why you why you want to do the easiest thing there is to do and just post the pictures that already exist yeah uh if you're

not interested just give me the password i'll i'll do it up for you yeah um and uh speaking of uh maximumfun.org and all their wonderful things go check out the uh recap blog that dave does each and every week for this show, where things will be discussed. I imagine there will probably be an Indiana Jones something or other on this week's. Yep. I may be able to find a picture of myself in costume. We'll see. No promises.

No promises that I'll post it. Oh, you would post it. I will not be posting the video of Bear Grylls wearing a seal because that sounds gross. Oh, it's not as gross as I thought it would be. It's gross. Yeah. No, you've got to watch it. You've got to watch it.

We'll see. And thanks, everybody, for listening. And, yeah, if you want to contact us, 206-339-8328 or stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. And tell your friends if you like the show. 339-8328 or stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com and tell your friends if you like the show and come back next week for another indiana jones light episode of stop podcasting yourself