Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 19 - Gerald Varga

Episode Date: July 8, 2008

We go dark-ish with comedian Gerald Varga, and talk about polka and bachelor food.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello and welcome to episode 19 of our podcast. Hi, my name's Dave Shumka. I'm your host today as Graham's a little under the weather. But he's here.

Don't say it like that. In a lesser role. Don't be condescending about my troubles. Graham, I need you to be brave. I'm being as brave as I can be. Welcome. Thank you for having me. And then belittling me.

As always, my co-host is Graham Clark. He's adorable and wearing a chapeau. Hi. And a shecky gray t-shirt. Retro. Retrofad. Yep. Mm-hmm.

And with us is our guest, star of stage and screen, star of stage, comedy stages. What's screen? Maybe the screen a little bit. Gerald Varga. The Vargs. The Vargs. Vargas. Yes.

Thanks for coming. Thanks, dude. And thanks for giving me directions here. Sorry about that bus stop thing. Yeah, we had a little trouble, Gerald and I, communicating on where he should get off the bus. I didn't have any trouble. You had a lot of trouble understanding get off at the next stop. And then when he didn't get off at the next stop or the stop after that.

He got off two stops later. I did, past Kingsway. Well, you told me to get off. Which you were going to do from the start because that was the message you sent to me earlier saying, Prince Albert, you said Prince Albert. Let's stop saying the street I live on. Oh, right. Prince Frederick.

Let's just say my street is named after a penile piercing. Or something that comes in a can. Yep. Figure it out. Audience, put it together. And furthermoremore is your refrigerator running because if it is you should get to know us let's get to know us nice work get to know us um gerald hey who's running this ship? Sorry. Oh, Gerald.

Let's get to know you, buddy. What happened to you this week? This week? Well, not a lot. I sold my car. Oh, the Geo. No, it was a Swift. Ah, Suzuki.

Suzuki Swift. That's right. So I'm not a lot richer. How much? $250. Oh, wow. How much did you buy it for? I don't want to say how much I paid much? $250. Oh, wow. How much did you buy it for? I don't want to say how much I paid for it, actually.

It's far too embarrassing. Actually, okay, fine. $1,500. But that was two years ago. But that's not too bad. How old is it? It was like in 1995. So you got it for two years, $1,500?

Yeah. Not too shabby. It looked like a crumpled up chip bag. Why did you get rid of it? You got some chicks? Well, I just decided that there's really no point in having it because I wouldn't be able to use it to pick up chicks. Because, like I said, it was pretty much demolished. You saw the card, didn't you? Yeah, I drove around in it.

Yeah. You picked me up. It was pretty hilarious. Yeah. You had to open the door. You had to roll the window down and reach out the window to open your door. Oh, nice. And the key was busted off in the ignition, so there was always plenty of explaining to

do when people got in the car. That's wonderful. You were still rolling knee deep in poon. Do you ever want to be knee deep? I don't knee deep I just I don't know I just didn't need a car anymore so I just got rid of it it was just pointless I'll buy another one next year

well save mother earth exactly I've got my favorite band from the 90s save our lady peace that's what I always say can I just say really quick that I've pulled this entire section, so every time I laugh

I will be saying, ow. Graham is a walking something. Disaster. Disaster? Contradiction? Anything else happen this week? Not really too much. Did a show on Tuesday

at Darby's. That was really fun. That's about it it gonna do one tonight you uh wait a minute uh what else so yeah i've been on the south beach diet that's been interesting i've been uh doing that for like two weeks now the south beach diet what's i don't believe you you don't believe me judging by thinner judging by the line of beer you're drinking i don't care that's different it's like you're not supposed to drink alcohol but when you're doing an interview you're allowed to drink alcohol oh that's not in the book no it says in the book okay who wrote the south beach from south beach ever does interviews other than

jaylo beach where is that miami miami yeah you saw the birdcage yes i did bien benito at miami if you do the south beach dot you'll look like you're from miami that's what the they're trying to say you look like you're from the beach there, I guess. So who wrote it? It comes with tanning coupons or something as well. Who wrote it? It's not important. I don't remember.

It's partially important because if it was written by somebody who's great, big, and fat and from Poland, then it's ridiculous. They have a South Beach there. I saw a picture of the author, and he didn't look like he was from Poland. Oh, okay. A little from Poland. Oh, okay. A little profiling. Oh, okay. He looked like maybe Russian or something. Why?

Are you seriously on the South Beach side? Yeah, I've been doing it for a couple weeks. What's it like? What is it? Well, you basically... There's like for the first three weeks, you can't eat any, like basically no bread, no whole grains, none of that. So you're kind of...

No hops? Barley? No. I'm not eating that though so nothing fermented it's okay um you just it's like a cleanse for the first three weeks you uh it's basically like really low carbs like a lot of lettuce a lot of uh you know you can eat chicken that kind of thing yeah vegetables a lot of vegetables you're hungry a lot okay that way yeah that sounds terrible that sounds awful it's uh when i heard that when i originally i thought it would be like a lot of mangoes right south beach it sounds like mangoes papayas right no sure you can't have any fruit what actually you can't for the first three weeks can't eat any fruit you can't have any sugar

nothing no sugar even with your coffee you have to your coffee, you have to use the equal stuff. But what happens after that first three weeks? Well, then you slowly introduce things like, I don't know if you'll ever use sugar again, but whole grains and pastas. What about a grain of sugar, a whole grain of sugar? It comes in grains. That's what I'm getting at.

A whole grain? Yeah, or a grain of sand. Maybe. I guess. How about a sand sandwich? Okay. Do you eat a sand sandwich? It sounds like something that would be in the South Beach diet. Yeah. Never mind. I've never been on a diet. The only thing I've ever done is I try to stop eating late at night right and i did that too and i drink water uh whenever i'm hungry forever maybe you're just like blessed with like

good genetics and you'll just never get fat oh i've i've i'm yo-yoing i'm sure i probably live almost as healthy as you do but i just i just don't have it in me to look that good. I don't know that I'm healthy. But you strike me, Gerald, as a man who eats a lot of bachelor-type meals. Do you? Really? I do? Yes. Like such as what? Meat and potatoes.

That's not really a bachelor-type meal. I was thinking ramen noodles. No, no, no. No, nothing like that. I do. I eat a lot of crap. You eat a lot of crap. i do i eat a lot of like crap dinner a lot of crap yeah cereal for dinner do you ever do you ever eat those pre pre-made like hungry man no i don't eat those that is like trashy that is totally trashy i resent that you would even like no assume that i would eat that don't don't resent me for something that could possibly be true. Yeah, it could possibly be true.

You strike me as the kind of guy who eats a lot of children's food, like those little things of four crackers, and you get a red baton that you dip into some cheese with. What are those called? Snackers? I don't know. Snackers. Cracker snacker.

I wish. I'm a snacker. I want some right now. Yeah. We don't have any cheese whiz. We've got peanut butter. They had a peanut butter version, I think. Yeah.

With a green stick. Can't eat that. I'm allergic. Could be. You are allergic to peanuts? Allergic to peanuts, yep. Are you allergic to a lot of things? No, not really.

Not allergic to everything. It's breaking out. You're getting it. Hives breaking out of the hand from the one lick Daphne gave me walking in the door. Daphne is a lady that's staying with Dave and Affie for a week. She's Greek, and Graham's allergic to Greeks. Allergic to Greeks. She's got a lot of feta and olive oil on her tongue.

And she licked my hand. She licked your hand? I locked in the door. Yeah, see that? I broke out in hives right there. Is she a dog? Yes, she is. Abby and I are dog-sitting.

Abby works at a talent agency. Abby is my girlfriend, also her own person. She works at a talent agency, and one of their actors asked her to dog-sit today. But Abby got her four wisdom teeth teeth out today so i've been dog sitting nice yeah she looks great uh she hasn't done the full swell out yet yeah it actually looks like a like she maybe had like like a cheek lift or something it doesn't even look bad at this point it looks good like a little you know yeah a little extra on the cheek a little bit yeah she just had it built up or something.

Like she was gaunt before and then let's do a little cosmetic surgery. I don't think that anybody goes in and gets extra cheek. Yeah. Sure they do. Some get cheek reduction. Some get cheek addition. I don't know. Graham, I want a part of it.

Why are you so infirm right now? I got the worst case of food poisoning ever. Where? I don't know. I don't know what it was from. It was at my house because I didn't go out and eat that night. I think it was some sort of veggie patty thing that I had eaten. This was when?

This was last night? This was on Monday. On Monday. patty thing that i had eaten this was when this was last night this was on monday on monday and it was it was 11 hours no 10 hours of uh of the craziest uh outputting of fluids that my body has ever performed oh great what kind of fluids oh different colors blood was in there oh come on you asked no offense you asked specifically blood and pus was there pus oh you bet you buddy no offense graham but you strike me as a guy who eats a lot of poison food i do you do a bachelor who eats a lot of poison food you wouldn't be mistaken see

that's where assumptions can be correct there we go go. Yeah, so anyways, I pulled every muscle in my upper body. You hurt yourself vomiting. Yeah, it was nine hours straight of vomiting. Well, come on. I was literally, I slept on- That's a work day, I mean. Yeah, yeah, I know. For some people, that's just another day at work.

Yeah. But I'm soft. I'm softer stock than most. I had food poisoning one time, and I was completely, I felt soft. I'm softer stock than most. I had food poisoning one time, and I was completely like, I felt disabled. Like when I was walking, I had no equilibrium whatsoever. Did you feel like that? No, I slammed into the wall twice. You don't get that much sympathy, though, even though it's terrible.

You get a lot of, oh. You should have known better. Anyway, are you going to be here by 6? I know. it was weird it's like i'm still convinced it wasn't a 24-hour flu which it might still have been i have no idea but it was just but it's 96 hours later and you still feel terrible i feel better now but it's the after effect that's what i'm dealing with i pulled all these muscles i feel like i've been sporting but you know the wrongest way possible and so now i every time i laugh my whole upper section on the right is killing me so stop

being so naturally hilarious all right no problem and stop trying so hard dave just looks at me it's funny uh was that all that happened to you this week? No. You're a popular guy. That was it, man. That laid me out. That was Monday. And then I was laid out Tuesday, Wednesday. I learned a lot about bears. I watched the whole documentary on bears.

Did you miss work all week? Yeah, buddy. Wow. Yeah. I've been out. Today was the first time I've even left the house. Wow. And I don't like it anymore.

I like the inside world better than the outside world. That's what I realized. You're more of an orc. It's just a sign you should stay away from work then, completely, since you missed three days. I'm gonna. That's gonna be my plan A. No need. One thing we neglected to mention is that Gerald Varga is the alter ego

of Gerald Gerald Geraldson, the horror comic. Correct. Can we say that on the air? Sure, yeah. I wouldn't be the alter ego, would I? we say that on the air? Sure, yeah. Is that going to blow? I wouldn't be the alter ego, would I? Would I be the alter ego? You're both alter egos. Yeah, I guess I'd be the alter ego.

He's the real person, so. He's the real guy. We love Gerald Gerald. And what does Gerald Gerald have to say? I'm just kidding. Oh, no. He has nothing to say. Can I speak to him?

He's not here right now i'm joking why does james lipton do that and why do the actors play along with that horseshit when he makes them do it are actors that easily led oh yeah into impressions like they're just like no just led into doing things you're doing their man. Think, that's like ego, like, oh, you're so good at your craft. Let's speak to one of your characters. Really? Yeah. Because it, to me, it is the most embarrassing goddamn thing that I see when they do that, when they're like, I would like to speak.

To Austin Powers, please. Are you talking about the actor's studio? Can I speak to Krabble Tom? Yeah. What's his name? The guy that hosts? James Lifton. Oh, okay.

It's been a while. But then he'll say that to... Have you ever seen him when he does that? He'll say that to the actor? No, I've never. He'll be like, I want to speak to Jeremiah Johnson. Can I please speak to Aaron Brockovich? And then the actor will go into character and start talking like the...

It's really embarrassing. It's usually for one question. Yeah. And, uh, the audience loves it. The audience loves it. Let me speak to Hoagie from Jaws,

the revenge, Mr. King. Um, I, uh, was just telling you that I found a picture. Uh,

you, you, before you did Gerald, Gerald, Geraldson used to go on stage as yourself And it was pathetic Yes it was It was awful

Awful experience Don't remind me of that Oh you were burying your soul I know After a while it became a crime So that's when I invented Gerald, Gerald But I was looking on And you used to do a joke about Being John Lithgow's body double That's when I invented Gerald Gerald. But I was looking on, and you used to do a joke about being John Lithgow's body double.

That's right. And I recently, today, found a picture on the internet of John Lithgow from the movie The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonsai, where he looks like the spitting image of Gerald Gerald. It's ridiculous. When you showed me that, like, I guess that was, what, 20 minutes ago or whatever? That was, like, terrifying. When you showed me that, I guess that was, what, 20 minutes ago or whatever? That was terrifying. That was absolutely terrifying. I thought that that was just my face superimposed on there. You are so totally John Lithgow.

It's totally ruined cliffhanger for me. Not a lot of things could ruin cliffhanger for me. He's apparently quite the Casanova as well. Really? Just like you? I don't know. It's not great. it's not very flattering to say like you look like john lithgow you know what if you ever met him at a party what would

that well can i speak to john at a party uh i hit him up for body double work that's what i do i can't blame you i would probably hit up toby mcguire for body double work and christian post spider-man also christian bale circa wonder boys I would probably hit up Tobey Maguire for body double work. And Christian Bale. Post-Spider-Man. Also Christian Bale. Circa Wonder Boys. Doesn't he look like Christian Bale, too? A little bit.

That's quite the compliment. Dave Shoka? Yeah, a little bit. Senor Bale? Can we... What? I don't know. Where are you getting it? I don't see it.

I think he just looks his face. Well, his face I'm looking at, of course. I was looking at his forearms, and I was not getting Christian Bale off of that. I was getting Popeye. I think so, a little bit. Well, that's very kind of you. You're welcome. I'm blushing.

What does Christian Bale look like when he's blushing? Well, let's let me tell you. I don't really have much to say this week i did a show the other day you've at least left the house you must have something yeah um today was the big day of of just taking care of my lady and oh she was funny um they they did the surgery on her well is it surgery i guess it is uh they put her under and took out four teeth. Although it was just half an hour. She doesn't know how she got from the dentist chair to the recovery bed.

That's because she was probably still unconscious. Oh, she was unconscious, but she doesn't know if they lifted her up or just rolled her over. Oh, weird. Probably walked her. Isn't that the thing they do? Don't they walk people? Even if they're unconscious? No. At that point, she would have been coming out, right?

So they get you up and walk you, maybe? All right, well... I don't know. I was the same thing when I had my teeth removed. They just moved me, and I had to fucking... Oh, but she... We had to go fill a prescription at shopper's drug mart on the way home and she was just knocking stuff over she was all doped up and i had to walk behind her

and uh uh just pick up everything she was breaking oh it was great. Anyway. That's basically it for me. That's pretty good. I always had tea with Phil Hanley. Like that movie title. Tea with Phil Hanley. It's like my dinner with Andre. And then he said, this is my favorite thing about Phil

is he's always got the weirdest places to go. It's like, it's not everybody else, I gotta go to work or got to go meet somebody for a thing. He was going to get custom-made earplugs. That's what I love about him. So I followed him into his appointment. Did you find out why? Oh, for going to like rock shows and stuff.

Does he go to a lot? Yeah. Why would you get those custom-made? What's he worried about? Why would they be custom-made? Well, because then you get the ones that nobody, like they don't look like you're wearing earplugs right and they block out uh like a lot of sound but you can still hear the music right do you get a bunch with them you're probably the wrong guy i don't know i just stumbled into this affair but when i played in a

band i we uh we would wear earplugs at practice, but no one would buy new ones, and so we would have the grossest earplugs, and we didn't know whose was whose. Oh, yeah, yeah. We had that same. Actually, when I played in a band, I, for years, forewent the earplug. I didn't think that anybody wore earplugs. It's because I never saw. Right.

I don't know. We were playing a punk band. Yeah, you're hardcore. Yeah, I was hardcore. But then, my hearing's pretty good. But I shouldn't have done that, I don't think. I think I got away lucky. Like, I think I very easily could have blown out my eardrum.

My hearing is really bad. Is it? Yeah. Is that what you get, the only one that gets to wear a headset? What? Ah, yes. We wrote that in rehearsal. Hey, how's your hearing? What was your band like, Gerald?

I never had a band. Just played the ukulele a couple times. Really? Never. The Gerald Varga Jug Experience? That was all a lie? To get me in the sack? It's all bullshit. My dad was in a polka band though no he wasn't no he was really i think he still plays a little what uh kind of last name is varga hungarian hungarian polka polka weird al yankovic are you a fan not a fan what about

is your dad a fan of walter austinik what about the other yankovic the canadian guy who wins the polka it's just you know every year it's walter austinik is he the other Yankovic, the Canadian guy who wins the Polka Juno every year? It's Walter Ostenek. Is he the Canadian guy? Who's the guy who wins the Grammy every year? It's Yankovic. Maybe. The guy who wins the Polka... What is it called? A Grammy?

Yeah, it's Yankovic something. He probably is a huge fan, I would imagine. He has quite a few Polka albums. What does your estranged father think about... Estranged father? You just don't seem to know a lot about his Polka tastes. Oh, well. He tried to inspire me, but it didn't work out.

I like the music, but no. Is Polka like reggae, always have to have the same beat? It's like ska, yeah. It's all the same. It all sounds like the bird but is polka like reggae always have to have the same beat it's like ska yeah yeah so it's all the same it all sounds like the bird dance to me upbeat pretty much the bird dance the bird dance i think that's the only song that you play that isn't a polka the chicken dance the chicken dance it's got that sound same way nickelback sounds like whatever it's like theory of a dead man theory of a dead man right yeah um all right well theory of a dead man later yeah no so hungarian yes yes it's a hungarian name but

i'm actually spells toad theory of a dead man i never realized that till just now did you know that is dead man one word well yeah, no, then it's totem. Yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm a dead man. A dead man. And the dead mans are coming over for tea. Honky tonk man.

Honky tonk mans. Sorry, you're Hungarian? Oh, right. Yeah, I'm not actually. Sorry. Sorry. What the hell were you talking about again? What were you babbling about? Yeah, I'm not Hungarian, though. My dad is, but I'm adopted, so I'm not actually, sorry. Sorry, you're like, sorry, what the hell were you talking about again? What were you babbling about?

Yeah, I'm not Hungarian, though. My dad is, but I'm adopted, so I'm not. I'm not Hungarian. Do you know anything about your heritage, your original, your birth family? A little bit, yeah. Yeah, a little bit. Born of the gods. That's right.

I have two half-sisters here. Half-god, half-man. That's right. I have two half-sisters here. Half God, half man. I have two half-sisters in town who I was basically reunited with about a year and a half ago. And it feels so good. It's great to have family around.

It's cool. Good. It's cool, yeah. Are both your sisters here? Yeah. Actually, one of my sisters, the younger one, her and her boyfriend live in the fifth floor of my building. And I live on the fourth floor, so we party lots. Did you know that before you moved in?

Oh, no, no. Maybe they're just conning you. She helped me get into the building. Okay. Put a word in for me. Just as you bring the cosmic coincidences closer and closer to home. Turns out she's my landlady. Turns out the TV I bought from her was from my original birthday. One other thing I'm doing is I'm playing soccer tonight.

And I think we alluded to this mythical soccer game that was going to happen. Shirts and Skins. Shirts and Skins, right? Yeah. Is it really Shirts and Skins? I doubt it. Why? What happened to that?

Well, for one thing, it's co-ed. I don't know what that means uh male and female oh i thought you said co-op right go ahead i don't know what that means oh it means cooperation okay i love cooperation it makes it happen um go on uh and i don't know i only know Charlie. And I know Jane. She's going to come as well. Oh, Jane Stanton. You know, the great thing about Jane is she's not overly competitive at all.

And so that'll make it really fun for you guys. Yeah. She's like an expert soccer player, though, isn't she? Yeah. She's played her entire life. And she doesn't have a competitive streak in her. And she doesn't take things like that too seriously. Well, but the thing is...

No, she doesn't. But she does. No, she doesn't. It's great. That's the great thing about it. But you're using the same sarcastic tone of voice for things that are true as well as for things that aren't true. No. She's played soccer her whole life, and she's uncompetitive. I'm being all true. There's no... I'm not and she's uncompetitive. I'm being all true.

There's no... I'm not... She is uncompetitive. When have you ever seen her... Look, she's going to be... It's going to be great. She's just... All right.

I'm not going to finish that sentence because she's sensitive. No, she's not. Not at all. But yeah, I'm playing soccer and it's the beautiful game. Says who? According to soccer.

Oh, and the makers of A Beautiful Mind bring you soccer. The beautiful game. I've been watching a lot of soccer of late as the Euro tournament is on. It won't be on by the time this podcast is released. What channel is that on it's on your tsn and unless and sometimes tsn is showing poker instead so sometimes it's on sportsnet i've seen some poker this week but no sucker oh it's great soccer or poker? Do you like... The thing about soccer that I was thinking about is, is it like if you are a doctor and you work for a hockey team,

that's like a pretty prestigious position to be as a doctor. Is it? I think so. To be a hockey doctor? I think so. I don't know. Because, I mean, vancouver if you're like oh yeah he's the best in the city he does all the work for the canucks oh yeah like it would be

good i guess yeah that makes sense like the quick stitch guy like yeah that kind of stuff and so if you were the uh doctor like say in uh france i don't know where they play soccer. England. Yeah. They play in both of those countries. He's the doctor for the team from London. Would that be prestigious? Or, I was thinking, since all the injuries are faked, don't you have to just pretend to do doctor stuff? Yeah. That's the thing that i learned very quickly

is to not uh the same way that if uh an english person came over here and was telling jokes about how wimpy hockey is uh and how he would be fried at the steak because of that same uh same diff over there goes both ways if you call their sports this way, there's tons of... And the thing is, the difference between hockey fans... Because hockey fans aren't... I don't think they're necessarily prone to violence in general. You know, like once every couple of years there will be a riot somewhere. But in soccer, there are riots almost every game always

oh everywhere and they're almost always because of fucking the english the english anytime they're involved they've fucking hooliganism so you heard it here first all right or absolute last um when you're listening to this graham will be in eng. I'll be in England probably having my ass handed to me. Yeah, by a hooligan. No, but the English do have, they've got a lot of hooligans, right? But every country that has soccer seems to have hooligans. Am I wrong? Is England a rough, is it an aggressive country?

No, I don't know. They're just, they're sports fans. It's soccer. I think it crosses more borders than just being about England or one country. That's why the Yahoo-ligans changed their name to Yahoo Kids. I don't know who you're talking about. The Yahoo.com kids website used to be called Yahoo-ligans. Now it's just Yahoo Kids.

Why do you know either thing? It's a great place to meet people. Oh, that was lame. Alright, well, do you guys want to do some overheards? Yeah. Okay. Overheard. Alright. Gerald's calling it back into action all right we're back it's tough isn't it oh man heavy is the head that wears the driving cap i'm dressed as graham for this episode and i didn't wash my hair this week

oh come on get over it you keep bragging about it does it look I'm dressed as Graham for this episode. That's right. And I didn't wash my hair this week. Oh, come on. Get over it. Dave's hair looks great. You keep bragging about it. Does it look dirty? Yes. Your hair looks awesome. I don't tell you every time I do wash it.

I haven't. It's not gone completely unwashed. I don't tell you about my cleaning habits either. So what is this all about with you not washing your hair? What's this about? Did you not wash your hair? It looks washed. No, he didn't wash his hair. He didn't wash? Did you not wash your hair? It looks washed. No, he didn't wash his hair.

He didn't wash his hair, and that's why it looks good? I don't get it. I don't know. It's not important. It's not that important. All right. It's kind of important.

I didn't see it when you had the short hair, this buzz cut or whatever. He used to have huge, long hair. Those were the days. Back in the Paul McCartney days. We, uh... Alright! Overheard!

Overheard! You son of a bitch! Am I cutting that out? I think you should cut that out. It was great. Okay, overheard. We talk about things that we've overheard in the last week or couple of days?

Ow! Graham, stop laughing at things that aren't funny. I can't. You're hurting yourself every time you laugh. I know, but you guys are being genuinely hilarious. I'll leave that up to the listener to decide. Good Gerald, have you come up with an overheard? Yes, I have. I got a couple yes i have i got a couple of them i got a couple of them okay we'll bookend all right well the one overheard was i was at starbucks

and there was a guy sitting there like a brown skin guy and a white guy and they were sitting together and uh the brown skin guy had a uh notebook and he showed it to the other guy and he was like you see this symbol here man you see that symbol and the had a notebook, and he showed it to the other guy. And he was like, you see this symbol here, man? You see that symbol? And the guy was like, yeah. And he was like, that means Paki power. That's what he said. And then the white guy said to him, he goes, isn't Paki kind of like a derogatory term?

And he was like, not amongst people from Pakistan. And he was like, oh, so you're Pakistani. And he was like, no, I'm East Indian. I don't know. It struck me as odd. Yeah, it's funny. I used to go to school with a guy whose last name was Polak. That's a slur, right?

Yeah, I thought it was a slur against Polish people. And his last name was Polak. And I asked him one day, like, oh, your last name, isn't that a derogatory name for Polish people? And he said, no, it's not derogatory. It's just another word for Polish. And I asked him, what kind of name is it? And he said no it's not it's not derogatory it's just another word for polish and i asked him what kind of name is it and he said oh it's polish so i think what happened is there was some kind of uh uh what's that island that ellis ellis island kind of situation where they're just like dirty polak it's like what's your name uh shishevsky polak let me just shorten that for you.

And his dad's name was Dirty. This is my dad, Dirty. His legal name? And my mother's name is Filthy. We're the Polaks. Oh, God. Dirty and Filthy Polak. This is my brother, Diseased.

You went too far. Yeah. Wow. I always do. You didn't hurt yourself laughing at that I'm sorry Hey Graham, did you overhear anything this week? Did you say Jew?

Did you try and do one of those? I didn't try to Jew, hear anything? Polite Hey Graham Did you hear anything? Leave that in, don't edit that out Don't edit out that last part, it's? Did you hear anything? No, leave that in. Don't edit that out.

Don't edit out that last part. It's funny. Did you hear anything? No, I'm not going to do it so that you can edit it flawlessly. Hey, Graham, did you overhear anything? Yes, I did. But first, I heard you say that hilarious thing. Are you going to edit that out?

We'll see. You're a jerk. Don't do it. All right. You're going to do it. Yes, I did overhe a jerk. Don't do it. All right. You're going to do it. Yes, I did overhear something. Don't. I was at, I told you, I followed.

I've been inside all week, so it's been a rough week for hearing things aside from television things, but I went and followed Phil into his earplug appointment, which was great because there was an old lady getting her brand new hearing aid thing that plugs into the TV or radio, tested in the office, and at first she wasn't having any of it. It's not, I don't.

She had a really old lady voice. I don't. Can we speak to the old lady i don't hear it and then they turned i guess grandma i guess they went from one to like 11 like i thought they didn't go up in increments at all because the very next one she was like it was the worst possible thing to hear everything. So. That made me laugh. Hearing is obviously not what she was in the market for.

She thought she wanted to hear. Yeah. Until she heard it. She flew too close to the sun. That's right. On wings of ears. Kid listener-ous. Kid Icarus.

Well, I overheard something today while i was walking two dogs uh which is not a fun experience compared to walking one dog uh but this one's going one way the other one's zipping zipping and zagging they're not uh they're not working in uniform like the snowbirds they didn't choreograph anything. It's so awesome as they did. So, yeah, I'm walking down the street, and this guy comes out of a coffee shop, the R-Town Coffee Shop, and he was like a hipster guy,

but he said something that if he looked different, I would have thought he was legitimately retarded. What did he say? He looked at my two dogs, and then he pointed to another dog, and he said, That dog barks. You know, there was a legitimately mentally disabled person on the SkyTrain. Oh, can I change what i just said to legitimately mentally disabled not to say legitimately just mentally i'll go back i'll go back to my things

okay there was a retarded guy and he was on the sky train a couple days ago and he was like hitting on these young girls and he was like obviously like mentally handicapped he was talking to his to this girl who also was and it was really apparent like they were talking about how much money they make and the girl was like saying that she makes now makes 15 an hour and it's so much money and he was saying i only make five dollars an hour so that's when i knew he probably works at like some sort of subsidized ability center or something like that and then he started hitting on these two girls and they were joking with him and laughing and it was really funny.

He'd be saying stuff like, so do you have a boyfriend? And she'd be like, yes. And he'd be like, well, how would you like to have two boyfriends? So anyway, so then he went and got off. Make her an offer. Yeah. He went and got off the train, and then they were sitting there, the two girls. And the girl was like, whoa, that guy was a fucking creep.

And she's like, what a fucking creep. I wonder what was wrong with that guy. And then I felt like saying, he was retarded. They had no idea what was wrong. Wow. It was mentally handicapped. Wow, that's amazing that people can be, maybe they were mentally handicapped in here. In their heart.

Yeah, I'm pointing at my heart right now, I think. Is that the right side? Yeah. Mentally handicapped. Also. Oh, yeah, you haven't overheard from Kevin Quinlan. Kevin Quinlan, courtesy of the KQ. Does he listen to the show?

I think so. But he was at the Hero Show and I did a bunch of things that I had overheard on the bus. So this was... So he probably doesn't listen to the show. I don't know. Who does? Speaking of which, I listened to our Enemy Show.

The Exploding Sandwich. Not impressed. How was that show? It's kids. Don't buy that. Amateur. Amateur night. These kids. Don't bother. Amateur night. It's kids. Amateur hour. Troubles. All right, so this is Kevin Quinlan's.

I don't know how anything was said, but it did make me laugh when I read it. It says, on the bus going downtown, there's a five-year-old boy sitting next to an early-20s woman. Her shirt says, super bitch. 20s woman uh her shirt says super bitch the uh the woman is asleep uh with her mouth wide open and the bus is coming up to their stop the boy is panicking and pulling on the mom's sleeve he's like mom this is her stop this is her stop and the mom's just dead asleep the boy keeps nudging mom mom this is her stop and the mom is rustled awake and just looks around and goes, no shit, Sherlock. That's the best one of the week, Kevin Quinlan. Well done, Kevin Quinlan.

Good listening. I like the inappropriate t-shirt. I like that that's really become like that's been the trend of the last i'd say since like 20 that's our that's our generation's the beatles where were you when the first glittery porn star shirt uh yeah i what's the worst one of that that you've ever seen i will tell you oh okay i you were like You were loading that one up? I was at the Canucks Super Skills Competition a couple years ago, and Abby got me tickets. And it's like a skills competition for all the Canucks, but the tickets are super cheap, and it's like a family event.

Is it packed? It's packed, but all kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 12 and under. Everyone brings signs, and they make a big deal. Players get pies in the faces. Oh, you get to meet them later and stuff, too? I don't know.

Autographs, whatever. Joe's got his autograph book. What day is this? Oh, wait a minute. We're not there. Okay, I'll put it up. So, yeah, it's full of kids kids and then this family walks in. It's a mother and a father and their kid.

And they all come in late and the mother takes off her jacket and reveals a t-shirt in front of everyone that says, Fuck work. Oh yeah, awesome. And she had like ten kids with her probably too. Just the one. Fuck work. Oh, yeah. Or awesome. And she had like 10 kids with her probably too. Just the one. Oh. Fuck work. Wow.

I like, I got to say I like to an extent anybody that wears, but like that's my favorite thing about shirts that have slogans on them is you can almost instantly tell, but now it's beginning to be harder and harder to tell who's wearing it ironically and who's not. Like, there was a time when I could see the divide, but now everybody's wearing tight pants, so I can't tell, right? It used to be if there was a guy wearing really baggy pants

and a really baggy shirt that said, like, the man arrow pointing up, the legend arrow pointing at his penis, you knew that that was him authentically thinking that was a hilarious gag but now i can't i can't be sure so you don't know who's actually with stupid i saw somebody uh who had a shirt on a couple days ago and he was a heavy fellow and he had a shirt with a target on it and in the target was beer and then it said beer hunter.

That's pretty good. That ain't bad. I liked, I think there was a girl wearing one of those rhinestone ones that had the word spelled out with the shitty rhinestones. When those things, first of all, they fall off in the wash, right? And so they don't look

what they're they don't look like the fucking word they're supposed to say anymore right it's like a neon sign where a piece of it is not blinking right so it's i think it was supposed to say fierce at some point but it just looked like it said rice or pierce or it didn't look like it said anything just throw it out if one rhinestone falls off, it ruins it. Now it just says 10% angel. What's a 10% angel? It's asinine. Canadian girls kick ass?

Ass. Kick spelled with two Ks, idiot. T-shirts. T-shirts. Speaking of your deer hunter thing, I was at... Beer Hunter. Oh, right. Beer Hunter.

There's a... At the Lamplighter, they have two games. One is a Golden Tee Unplugged. Yeah, and the other one is the... Is Big Buck Hunter. Big Buck Hunter, yeah, yeah, yeah. But for... Deer Hunter. Big Buck Hunter. Oh, Big Buck Hunter, yeah. They recently replaced Big Buck Hunter as a game with

you get these shotguns or rifles and you shoot game. Yeah. It's pretty graphic too, isn't it? I don't know, I've never played. Yeah, well you shoot a deer. Yeah, it's graphic as blood. It's not the Grand Theft Auto graphic, but you see the blood. it's not the grand theft auto graphic but it's

you know you see the blood you know there was the grand theft auto of killing animals of hunting games yeah you have like hooker deer and stuff grand theft elk steal a deer's car they had a deers don't drive cars Now you're being asinine. I thought that was what made comedy funny. They're environmentally friendly. If you know some of the secret codes, you can go into a cut scene where you have sex with a deer. Anyway, but there was a week where they replaced the big buck hunter with a wild safari version. And that's what they have there now. You're shooting leopard.

You're shooting rhinos. Oh, really? Finally. They still have the golf game, but I guess they screwed up their order because a couple weeks ago they had both the hunting games and no golf game. Awesome.

So just all you can hunt. All aggression. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say about that. No limit. Okay, if you guys want to do Road to Rock Band, we'll play the same song. We're on the road to rock band. Why don't you go fuck yourself? We're on the road to rock band.

Fuck yourself, you cunts I love the theme song, but I just don't know, like, what is it that I do? Like, what do we talk about? What's the thing? Like, you have a game, but we don't play it. No, we do play it. Not today, because Dave's going to go play soccer and you have to go to Laugh Line. Maybe I'll just play it by myself. All right, let Dave's going to go play soccer and you have to go to Laugh Line. Maybe I'll just play it by myself. Alright, let's do Road to Rock Band. That's what we're doing right now.

Alright then. Oh, are we actually taping this? Yes. Oh, okay. I thought we were done taping for a while. Well, there's no tape. Whatever. What you guys don't know is that we record on reel-to-reel, then digitize it. Then put it on the web. It costs us $10,000 an episode. I hope you guys appreciate it.

Rock band. We played rock band with... Phil Hanley last week. Phil Hanley, who really dug it. He was into it. He thought it was funky. He was into it from the word go. He says words like funky and dig it.

He does. He says funky and groovy, and I can dig it. And that's a shitty buzz. He says that a lot. Shitty buzz, man. He would say that there's no occasion that that expression doesn't fit to if it's a bad situation. If your mother just died or if you just stubbed your toe. Shitty buzz, man.

Shitty buzz, man. My mojo is not working, et cetera. That is a shitty buzz. So we play rock band here regularly. Yep. But last week, suffice it to say, my road has taken an awful detour. And I went way ten steps back in the other direction from where I came.

That was awful last week. I think I hit, I was in the low 60s on one of the scores. And it was on an easier song, too. It was a big step back for all of us. I went way back on. Well, that's a really complicated song with syncopated beats. It's a jazz tune. How much time do you dedicate a week to this?

You're a pretty busy guy. You're a busy guy. Yeah. I can't see you spending any more than maybe like three hours a week on this. Oh, way less. Way less. He doesn't own the game. I own the game.

He owns the game. I don't own it. I just play it over here. This is where I train. Okay. And then I come back here and then I train again. Right. But I don't seem to be...

I seem to be getting worse with every go around. So how does it work exactly? Like you have like... What is it? It's like a... You've got two fake guitars. Fake guitar. Right.

Yeah. And a fake set of drums. Yeah. And a real microphone. Okay. and a fake set of drums and a real microphone although in terms of simulation, the singing is the least fun part

so you'd think since it's the real microphone that would be more fun. It's not. You scream your head off into this microphone. Yeah, you get to freestyle a bit. It would suck to live like have someone with that game living below you or next to you. We live below a couple.

They're a gay couple, but they're not gay for each other. They're both gay. Gay for others. Gay man, woman? Or gay man or woman? A gay man and a gay woman. Okay. But when I say they're a gay couple,

because they're not a couple. Right, because they're a man and a woman. Man and woman. Yeah. Couldn't be gay. Not woman. Okay. But when I say they're a gay couple, because they're not a couple. Right, because they're a man and a woman. Man and woman. Yeah. Couldn't be gay. Not possible. Right. Yeah.

Exactly. But that's when I say, if I said there's this guy and gal living above me, you just automatically assume they're together, right? Yeah. Right.

Because this is, you know, it's the 90s. So, I, they had a karaoke party some time ago for the birthday. And, man, oh, man. People don't realize how bad they're singing when there's music covering it up.

And alcohol. And they're laughing and they're drinking. But when you're a floor below and you can't hear what song they're singing, but you can hear their voices singing it. Good Lord. You can usually pick up what song it is, though, can't you? Yeah, well, I can from them singing, Holiday, like that. Lucky Star.

I don't know. Is there a song called Holiday? Borderline. But yeah, so that's my road to rock band is not going well. We have a gay couple living above us. Although I only know that one of them is oh they're both women uh they gave for each other i don't know they would be then well one of them well they're a couple so of course they'd be gay for each well they're not a couple unless

they're a swinging couple well they're not a couple at all i don't think one i i only know that one of them is gay because she has the bumper sticker. Oh. It says I'm gay? Ask me about it? Yeah. You could just do that to be cool. I'm gay?

Talk about me on your podcast? That bumper sticker? I believe the proper term is lesbian. Oh. Sorry. Oh, lesbian. Lesbian. Celebrate.

It would be so nice. Are we going to do Celebrity Crush Hat or what? Let's do Celebrity Crush Hat. I'll wait. All right. Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush would be so nice. Are we going to do Celebrity Crush Hat? Let's do Celebrity Crush Hat. I'll wait. All right. Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity Crush Hat.

Go fuck yourself. Celebrity Crush Hat. Chapeau Chinois. Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush Hat. Gerald, would you do us the honor of looking, pulling out a number in the Celebrity Crush Hat? All right.

35. Well, I'm, okay. Have you been 35? I'm 33, so that's not good. Okay. You can't do future ones. We could. Yeah, we could.

I want to do 35. Yeah, let's do it. All right, 35. We're doing 35. Let's do 35. We're going to have crushes on when we're 35 when i'm 30 for me that will be eight years yeah so who is 10 right now all right let's see 35 yeah okay wait in two years who's 10 right now?

Oh, you mean, oh, you just want the cutoff, Lee. Oh, nice. Yeah. That's saucy stuff. Who is? I don't know. Okay, who's hot right now? Who's hot in the... Hillary Duff.

Hillary. Obama's wife. Obama's wife. I know, but in two years i don't know uh by the way i know but in two years so gerald you're two years out so you could just you could just basically pick whoever's hot now and assume yeah just figuring accident you were a little um uh hesitant to get into celebrity crush hat because you said you didn't have any high school crushes on celebrities not particularly no but did you do you have any crushes on celebrities right now i honestly uh i could say that only horror movies any girl that's would be willing

well no that's not the point of that exclud crash. That excludes all celebrities. And there's celebrity. I would do it just so I could tell people I did. Yeah. I would do it. Rhea Perlman. Yeah. Roseanne Barr. I don't care. That's the thing.

I was watching Degrassi today, which I've been watching all week. It's just great. The next jam. The next one. And I was thinking, the people that are on Degrassi, like, say, like, Spike. Is she, like, too much of a celebrity that I could ever actually meet her? Is that, is she too much? Or even the younger ones, they're probably too young for me, but.

Well, not in eight years. Huh? Not in eight years. Not in eight years. Yeah, but I could, they're probably too celebrity for me to ever, like, actually... To hook up with them? Yeah. You think Spike would be too celebrity for you?

Well, not even Spike. What about Yik? Yik? No, he's a guy. Right. And he's Chinese. And he's a bartender. And a bartender.

So those are Graham's big prejudices against men, Chinese, and bartenders. That's not all. That's chapter one. Yeah, let's start a new podcast. The Great Prejudice Countdown. Okay, I have a crush. I have a crush. I would say it would be, when I'm 35, I would say Liv Tyler.

Ooh, from the upcoming Hulk movie. Is she in that? I just saw her in The Strangers. That was good. Was that a horror movie? Yes. Or a scary movie? It was a horror movie. It was definitely a horror movie. It was good. I never really

thought that she was all that attractive, but she is. Yeah, she's a pretty lady. She's pretty on the cover of the Empire Records soundtrack. Yeah. Not so much in the movie. Short sweater? Short sweater and plaid skirt.

Plaid skirt. Oh, plaid skirt. By the way, aside from Liptire, that is a really good movie. The Strangers? It's pretty scary. Yeah, it's got some really crappy reviews, but it's got some good movies. What that good reviews oh good anyways i know horror movies

and it's scary what's the horror movie where it was made in uh somewhere in eastern europe and it was like it was about a roving gang that tortures a family and then they shot they re-shot it over in america scene for scene but it's not the strangers but it seems like the strangers is a knockoff of it is it are you talking about an old movie in the 70s like last house on the left no no this is recent within the last like couple years oh the girl next door i don't know it was one in eastern europe no there's one called the girl next door i don't know if that's what it's about We'll never get the answer to this

I've read about it in some magazine Is it just coming out? I think it would have come out like a year ago I will have a celebrity crush On Doris Roberts From Everybody Loves Raymond I went the other way Yeah, well that's the way I was going to go

Before you went the other way and then corrected yourself. I also think I might have a crush on Bea Arthur, too. It's possible. She'll be dead. She will be dead. I thought she already was dead. No. Oh, creepy.

After a couple years, that's creepy. If I do that, then you're breaking bones, probably. Thank you for being a friend. I would say I'm looking at somebody that has aged very well and will continue to do so. There's going to be a relevant what age? Beyonce Knowles.

Hasn't aged a second since she first came on the scene with Destiny's Child. You show me a picture from back then and a picture from now. There's no change. Nothing. Still gorgeous. She's an alien. I don't think you're ready for that jelly i'm not ready but i will be when i'm 35

right i'm ready for that shit there graham don't you dave dave was making a joke you just went weird all right uh well not surprised i gotta go got to go play the beautiful game. It's the most popular sport in the world. Tennis? Yeah. So for everyone here, thanks for listening. If you want to email us, it's stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. Oh, and Gerald, do you have anything to plug?

Just this month. Just for this month. Look for me on YouTube in the next couple weeks. I'm going to be releasing some clips that I filmed. Is that Gerald Gerald Geraldson? Some sketches that I did, yes, for Gerald Geraldson. All right. Well, that is terrific.

Terrific. Thank you for listening. Visit our recap blog, stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com Graham, thank you for being so sick so I could really shine. Yeah, buddy, you did a great job. Stop podcasting yourself.

Stop podcasting yourself. Thank you.