Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 25 - Kyle Bottom

Episode Date: August 18, 2008

Comedian Kyle Bottom pops in to talk Joe Rogan, Sha-poopies, and late night chat lines.  Also, we stunt-cast Three's Company.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hi, everybody, and welcome to Stop Podcasting Yourself, episode 25. Wow, 25 episodes, Graham. A quarter century, and the same age the Queen was when she lost her virginity. Really?

That's right. My name's Graham Clark, and with me is fuckhead and kick-shin galore, Dave Shumka. I only kicked your shins because you're so low energy I'm trying to light a fire. Does this sound low energy to you? Well, you have the kick shins to thank. I have the power of three Don Imuses. I-my. I have the power of three Don I-my.

And joining us here on our 25th Golden Jubilee podcast, the hilarious comic and Science World employee, Mr. Kyle Bottom. Welcome, Kyle. Hey, thanks for having me down, guys. I think episode 25 is when Kyle loses his virginity. To the queen. Yep. Full circle. So if you've ever heard the podcast before, you know that our way of doing things is to

start with a little segment we like to call get to know us get to know us and we're back see this energy is never gonna stop um kyle you're the guest why don't we get to know you first sure uh what would you like to know about me oh just what's going on with Kyle Bottom. You told me just before the podcast that you have an incredible hangover that lasted almost two days. Tell us about that. Oh, well, I was at a work-related function the other night with an open bar and lots of old people. And old people don't drink. And so you were expected to...

Yeah, to compensate. Yeah. So my friend Max and I were hitting the bar all night. And then we had to stay around and kind of remove decorations after the party where there was more drinking that took place. Of course. And at one point, this is the fun part of the night, I was standing on the almost top step of a 12-foot tall ladder, taking down some decorations. Hammered. Yes, while very, very intoxicated.

I don't look good on the WCB report when they're like, oh, no, but he was hammered. They're like, but why did he fall off the ladder? Well, no, he was being supervised, but the guy that was supervising him was also fucking hammered. Were you getting paid to take stuff down? No, it was volunteer time. Oh, okay.

But if you smudge that form a little bit, it would say he was hammering. That would look way better. I like work function. Do you ever worry when you go to a work function that you're going to get super duper drunk and say something really bad to your boss? Like something that you've like had like buried deep i've i've said bad things to my bosses when i was sober at other work functions like okay we do it we do a team building day once a year uh where we have to code what is that like

a drum circle and shit like that it could be uh but the the two i've had to experience were like a survivor style game sort of thing out in squamish oh no really yeah and this year was an orienteering challenge out at deez lake park so is that that's where they drop you off out in like the woods and then you got a compass your way back yeah and you have to or yeah you get a map and a compass and you gotta find all these different checkpoints this is with your current job yeah wow yeah do you find that at the end of that that you actually end up hating your fellow employees or does it actually bring you together um i don't know i mean i haven't really i don't think i've built any big bonds with my uh co-workers through it bongs bonds like a bond

of friendship ah not to be confused with like a bong of friendship a bong of friendship is much better but not appropriate for work functions but yeah basically I wound up dropping the old MF bomb in front of my boss's boss two years ago mother etc at a survivor style game

wow so the survivor style game was like the TV show did you guys vote each other out um no it's basically there was 10 teams of us and we had to compete against one other team all day and then we were just ranked based on how well we did did you have to eat gross stuff uh that's fear factor isn't it they survivor did it first we didn't have to eat any gross things fear factor was just that yeah but it was also Joe Rogan. Right.

Which makes it legitimate. Yeah. No, that's why UFC is now legitimate, because now it has Joe Rogan. It's the same thing with NewsRadio. It wasn't a sitcom until Joe Rogan was involved. From episode two. Yeah, but the first episode,

people were like, it's missing something. And then they Roganized it, and it came full circle. That's what Joe Rogan does. He puts his stamp of approval on it. And John Lovitz has the opposite effect. Poor John Lovitz. That was a bad turn.

Well, what are we going to do, right? They should have canceled the show. Yeah, really, they should have. It's like when they did that John Ritter show, and John Ritter died, and they kept the show the show going god but then they brought in david spade and it got all super weird yeah or on two guys a girl in a pizza place when they got rid of the pizza place oh that's right and then it was just two guys and a girl and did they just get rid of the pizza place they were like too long of a title they burned it down did they no i don't know ryan reynolds was on that show wasn't he yep and uh jenna elfman no the girl who's in every sitcom jenna uh just a girl with julia louise rivas a pixie haircut

blonde yeah a cute yeah a cute gal and he's uh and-esque. Yeah, she is Anne Heche-esque. She's Anne Heche-ing. Do you know who we're talking about? Did you ever watch that show? No. Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza. It was part of the TGIF lineup, if I recall correctly. In what year?

Oh, the late, no, early 2000s. Oh. Yeah. I didn't watch TGIF anymore in the early 2000s. I don't understand that. What did you do with your Friday nights? Hung out and drank. At work.

Took down crepe paper off of huge ladders. It's what Kyle Bottom does. Anything else going on? Anything else? Any big plans for the summer? I have a new show starting up this coming Thursday. It's over at Slickety Jim's. Slickety Jim's.

Chat and Chew. I just want to point this out. We're recording this Saturday, the 28th of June. We have recorded three podcasts in three days. This one will be in August. This will come out like the 20th of August. Okay. But for the listeners, next week's episode will be fresh and brand new.

I mean, this is brand new to everyone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it'll be contemporary. The next week episode from this episode will be actually in current time. Yeah, we won't have to ever correct ourselves ever again. But go on. I'm sure your show at Slickety Jim's is still running. Yeah, it's still going to be running.

It's not just going to be running. One would hope. It starts on Thursday, July 3rd, so if you're doing this now, jump in your time machine and head back to the beginning of July because it's going to be awesome. And yes, let's hope at the point that this is released that it is still running. That would be awesome.

My favorite thing so far about that show, besides the fact that it's in a breakfast place, which is one of the best breakfast places in town, but is that when Dylan sent out an email about the show, he was like, Dear Comics, don't show up to this show, please.

There's not going to be any room for it. If you want to drink, go drink next door. And I was like, well, if I'm not going to show up at the show, don't tell me that I have to go drink next door. And I was like, well, if I'm not going to show up at the show, don't tell me that I have to go drink next door to the show. I'll drink wherever I want, Mr. Rhymer. Oh, and then I'll come hang out at Slickety Jim's while the show's breaking up. I love watching people leave.

It's a tiny little place. It's extremely small. We can't fit more than like 30 people in there. I would say 30, especially in the summer, is going to be a sweaty room. Yeah, for sure. I hope it becomes a fun, hip little room. I love that that was the kickoff to it. Like, dear comics, you are uninvited.

Unless you're on the show, and even if you are, don't show up early. Please drink at Kishu until your spot comes up. We will call you by cell phone. I don't like up early. Please drink at Kishu until your spot comes up. We will call you by cell phone. I don't like Kishu. It's funny too because he sent out a Facebook invite for it and then like the only people that responded are comics. There's like 30 comics who have responded that they're going to be

there. Right and then Dylan's going to stay at the door like uh uh uh. Well no he'll cast judgment on them whether he considers them an actual comic or not oh so actual you're not funny enough to uh to have to not attend the show so come on you can you can watch the show but you you're too funny to sit in the crowd so go drink a keesher yeah oh slickity jim's chat and chew what's the name of the show i'm afraid of comedians yep i'm afraid

of comedians all right is it a play on the david the show? I'm Afraid of Comedians? Yep, I'm Afraid of Comedians. All right. Was it a play on the David Bowie song, I'm Afraid of Americans? I don't know. I mean, it was Dylan's idea to name the show that. And I think the idea behind it is that there's a lot of people in Vancouver who are kind of uninterested in going out to see live comedy because they've had to sit through so much crap. Yeah. Boy, boy, sally is that an expression it is now yay boy sally boy sally well because you know sometimes you go out to like a an amateur night and you know you're just kind of berated by act after act of people that you'd rather not had a microphone amen Amen, brother. Actually, last night at the show,

I had a friend bring out three or four of her friends who were stone-set in their conviction that there's nothing funny going on in stand-up comedy because they'd seen some bad shit. They'd seen some bad shit go down. So then it was actually a good show to bring people to that maybe didn't like stand-up because it was Sean LaComber and Phil Hanley

were both very, very funny. And then I phoned it in at the end. But they didn't know that. They didn't know I was phoning it in. But yeah, it's tough, right? Because a lot of people, you say, oh, I do stand-up. And they look at you kind of like you're a mime.

That's kind of the level that they're like, oh. Oh, totally. It's seen as like a second-class art form. Yeah. The whole idea behind the show is that we're trying to change that perception for at least the main street area. Yeah, exactly. Until

you can get comedy at Club 54 off the air, you're going to have an uphill battle. For every 20 awesome shows that happen, one episode of comedy club 54 wipes the slate and then you're back to zero again um i am gonna start pushing the sleeves up on my blazer okay let's all bring that back yeah well it's like we're reclaiming it if we do that empowering yeah now it's like it's not hacky anymore now it's awesome

because we made it awesome and hack will be the uh our n word to empower our our yeah exactly we reclaim hack like this hack so fucking funny this guy's the hackiest mfer the h word um Let's do it. Dave, what's going on with you? Well. You went to a rave last night. I tried to go to a rave last night. Well, first, I went to a show. I did a stand-up comedy show in North Vancouver to rave reviews.

Some people stayed to the end. Mike Wolfe. Mike Wolfe. Mike Wolfe was very drunk by the end of it. And hosting it. And every time he brought a comedian on stage, he would say, oh, I'm so drunk. It's funny to see Mike Wolfe drunk. Because it's kind of like when you see one of your parents drunk. Because it's not something that you're ready to see.

And then when you see it, you're like, it's not as bad as I thought it might be. Sounds about right. Yeah, so I did that show, and I came back, and we got home at like 11.30, and there was this, the art gallery was open all night because they were doing this event. I don't know if I mentioned it on the last episode. Nope. That was 24 hours ago.

Yeah, every few weeks, the Vancouver Art Gallery does an event where they stay open until 6 in the morning. And they have DJs and bands. And Abby got a little dressed up and I put on a jacket and we went downtown at about midnight. Like you were Montrealers. Yeah. And we drove past the art gallery and there was a a lineup down the street, so we went home. Oh, really?

We didn't even park the car. We basically got dressed up to go to Max and buy some magazines. That's it. Now, was the idea behind this that they'll let you into the art gallery? Like you go inside the art gallery? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's like what they do at the Science World with the one night every once in a while where there's drinks and stuff.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. It's like an after dark. Yeah, it's called Fuse. And yeah, all the exhibits are all the same, but here it's just a more fun atmosphere. Party atmosphere. And I guess everyone else got on board. And I just got a free membership, two free memberships to the art gallery.

What? How? Because my parents have been members for years and they got this coupon for two free memberships and I asked them if I could have it and they gave it to me. Nice. Awesome. That's a great story.

There was a protagonist and a struggle uh the essence of drama is conflict i conflict i've read sid field's book uh have you seen his talk it's garbage um but uh just undid the top button of the shirt this is uh that's the kind of weather it is oh it's it's so weltering abby abby's uh dad just got in town from vietnam i thought that he just left and then he just left he got in he came to town at 10 in the morning and his flight uh to gabriela is at 5 45 so you didn't stay to visit abby at all no but he'll be here for weeks oh i, I see. Okay. Yeah. But we had the opportunity to take the dog to Trout Lake, and we did a lap of Trout Lake. And it's so hot that there were three women sunbathing topless in a dog park. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, wow. Yeah, I haven't seen any topless feministas. Yeah, wow. Yeah, I haven't seen any topless feministas. Not, like, it wasn't, I wasn't offended, and it wasn't remarkable, actually. Just because you don't often see boobs. I saw a lady last year at Kits Beach that was just walking around like it was the most natural goddamn thing in the world. And it should be, because it was fantastic for me and all the young lads down at the beach

that learned what love was that summer. I've seen no problem with it. The more boobs that are out in public, the better. That's true. But then, you know, the girls, you gotta be careful out there. Yeah, there's a lot of creeps.

Yeah, put some sunscreen on those things. You know? Sunscreen will protect you from creeps. Did you mean more the creeps or the sunscreen? Oh, sunscreen, for sure. Yeah, you don't want to burn those things. No way, that's got to hurt. Although I've burnt my chest, and it's not especially hard on the nipples.

But your chest isn't meant for suckling, so it's not. Obviously, you've never seen Dave with his shirt off. I've never been more offended. I didn't get this please suckle here tattoo for nothing. I don't know why you got that there. I guess... So that's what's been going on with me.

No art gallery and three sets of boobs Yeah, good night In a dog park It's a good 24 hour period Jam sandwich Here's the thing I saw That's my new phrase by the way

Jam sandwich? Jam sandwich I thought it was hello woman No, it's hello Sally Sally, get over here Watch out, Susan I saw on the get over here. Watch out, Susan. I saw on the way over here, it's my favorite when people do a thing,

they kind of do it half-assed, where there's a group of friends, and you can tell that they're kind of like the friends in the Rogers Telephone commercial, right? Like mixed co-ed, fun gang. And they had, I couldn't tell what they were doing at first until I saw one guy sitting behind what looked to be a drum set, but was not actually. It was the drum set from the game Rock Band. They had positioned the television at the window

and opened up the other windows and had all the instruments outside for a Rock Band outdoor jam. That was on 14th Avenue near the hospital. Let's go. But that's like the thing, if your parents were like, go outside and get some fresh air,

and you just dragged your remote, your Nintendo remote outside, and then just looked through the window and played Nintendo. I remember an episode of Bobby's World where he and his uncle, Bobby and his uncle, went outside and watched TV and his uncle claimed that the reception was better and they were getting fresh air. I've never seen it before, but it made me laugh.

It's when you see a dog shit in a plastic bag on the ground. It's like a half-assed effort. It shits already in the plastic bag? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you ever see the TV show? It was a reality show. What's a reality show? You know, like Gene Simmons' Family Duel.

Yeah, it wasn't like that. It was more like American Idol for inventors. That's a reality show, too. There's two kinds, aren't there? There's lifestyle ones and competition ones. And then there's a reality show too there's two kinds aren't there there's like lifestyle ones and the competition game show ones and then there's also the ones that are like like the gene simmons ones that are like they're like full reality yeah like they're filming them like as they're getting out of the shower like that's really happening yeah um okay so they had uh yeah it was the next great american inventor, and this guy came on, and his invention,

his name, I forget, oh, I remember his name. Well, his last name was Shalhoub. Oh, nice. He was the brother of actor Tony Shalhoub. Wow. From Wings and Monk. But more from Wings. And several other Hollywood features.

Mm-hmm. from wings and several other uh hollywood features uh and he had come up with a device called based on his last name shaloub called the shepoopy oh wait a minute go go on shepoopy yeah wasn't that a thing have you heard it in the uh verne font commercials i think that's the only place i've heard shippoopi uh anyway it's in the verne fond commercials how i forget what exactly happens but they use it as an exclamation as in shippoopi as in shippoopi sandra or whatever uh and uh yeah it's it's basically uh a bag on a stick and so you just hold the bag out on a stick and your dog shpoops into it. That's not bad.

That's not the worst. He was rejected at the beginning. So it's just a bag on a stick? It was a bag and a bag holding apparatus and a stick. So the idea is that you have a long stick with a pouch on the end of it and you put it underneath your dog So you don't have to reach down and actually pick up the Can you use this to scoop

poop already off the ground? No. The dog has to poop into it? Yeah. I imagined a few aiming disasters because my dog does a little turnaround while he does it and when he was a puppy he would would leave like a circle of poop. We called it poop hinge.

I'll put some pictures up on the blog. Of him doing that? Oh, speaking of pictures, I took some great pictures of the pizza I made last night. Oh, yeah? If you guys need any pizza dough, I got a freezer full of it. Do you really? Yeah. Because I may take you up on that.

All right. Because I like making a little homemade pizza. Why not? All right, let's move along, mind friend, to a little segment we have called Overheard. Overheard. I have a quality one that I got from your neighbors.

I was waiting out for that. Is it the same one that you sent me? No, I got from your neighbors. I was waiting out front. Is it the same one that you sent me? No, I got two from them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, you do one, and then Dave will do one, and I'll do one, and then we'll go back to you. We'll do it like that. Okay. So, I was waiting out front of your place, and I rang the doorbell, and I wasn't really sure.

I heard your dog bark, but I wasn't really sure how long it was going to take, so I just stood there at your front door. How long was it? Well, I waited there for probably about five minutes, minutes and i just went and sat on the grass but as i was waiting out front of your uh door there your neighbors are off and they're gardening in the lawn right there's like the old guy the uh there's a lady who lives next door and there's this old guy who tools around the whole neighborhood on a scooter just regulating okay well the the old guy was the source of uh the uh the overheard because basically i'm standing uh i'm standing in front of your door and the old guy says to the lady he's like hey remember those camel cigarettes and then he's and then he's like they did a study in america and found out that 9 out of 10 people that tried camels prefer women.

And then she was like, is this a weed? And he was like, yes, it's a weed. Tobacco? She was gardening at the time. Is it because the camel's face looks like the penis? I don't know. But it led me to the conclusion that one out of ten people that have tried camels are gay. That's right.

That's it. You've got to flip that statistic around. That's science. Was it people or women? Men. It was nine out of ten men who have tried camels prefer women. But nine out of ten men generally prefer women. Yeah, isn't that, that's the stat, right?

It was always one out of ten. Wasn't that the fucking stat that they told you in high school at sex ed? They're like, one out of ten. That was my favorite. And one out of nine are left-handed. Ooh. So, and then one out of twenty, then, is left-handed and gay? No, actually, there's a weird thing where, like, a disproportionately high amount of left-handed people are gay.

Ah. Because here's, I remember this thing. Because I grew up in Alberta. BS. Wow, it sounds like BS. BS word for giant cow. For male cow poo. I remember in sex ed

them telling us that statistic and I grew up in Calgary which is not big on homosexuals. No. But when they said that they were like one out of nine people are gay which means that there's probably someone in this classroom right now.

And every guy looked at every other guy like, is it you? Could it be you? And then there was that one guy in the class who just liked looking at other guys. Yeah. And he was, hmm. And his name was Rodney. I grew up in Vancouver, which is big on gays. Huge on gays. You've got pink bus shelters.

But the high schools schools not so much. High schools aren't big on anything but sports and pussy. I recall. Is that right? I don't know. Is that why my high school's mascot

was the bearded clam? Was the sports pussy? Was the female jockstrap? Rodney the fighting pussy. Fighting pussy. Do you want to do one? Yeah. A couple, let's say weeks ago, I was at...

This isn't a great one. I'm going to preface this. We've done three episodes in a row. I'm running low. I was at Vera's Burger Shack waiting 20 minutes for my burger to be prepared. And there were these girls behind me who were having a conversation

in which they were ranking their favorite root beers. I put a higher third. Anyway, and one of them said, I remember the first time I had Barks and it really did have bite. That's awful. That's awful. That's great.

Nick Swardson taught us that. The bark says bite. That was his big thing. How old were these girls, do you think? My age-ish. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

They were old enough to know better. They were old enough to drink. Like, to drink real beer. Real beer. Yeah, but still. I mean, I would have this conversation but not in public although when you're with someone else you kind of

your guard goes down a bit and you say foolish things that's true especially if it's love but I was actually in a few situations this week in which I was in a perfect place for to overhear something and the people were just

the most banal. Like I was waiting in line at the post office and the people behind me, the two girls were talking about cell phone misspellings and nothing. Just the most boring conversation about your... The most conversation that you overhear is actually boring. Like, I listened to 20 minutes worth of the most boring and sippy conversation on the bus today, but... And the other day, I was at... Abby's mom brought over her dogs from Vietnam. Did I tell you this?

Or is it Vietnam? I don't know. I tried to block it out. And I had to go to Canadian Customs. And there was nothing actually specifically funny that was said, but there was this Korean guy at Customs. Paul Bae. Arguing with this woman.

And he brought down his boss because he had found work, but he didn't have working papers. He brought down his boss because he had found work, but he didn't have working papers. The woman just told him that there would be a warrant for his arrest at 8 o'clock the next morning. Wow. Not funny, but tragic. Yeah, that's it. Nobody said overheards had to be hilarious.

Wow. Did we? I don't know of any of these. I have quite a few of them. Although, this is the thing. I saw a thing. I'll start this. It wasn't even an overheard, but it was amazing. And I followed this trio for about five or six blocks just because I was fascinated by them. Because it was a black lady, kind of rough looking, holding hands with two fellas at the same time.

Which you don't often see. Two fellas at the same time, which you don't often see. So one guy was really skinny, and the other guy was wearing women's pink sunglasses and was like a shorter, fatter Zach Galifianakis. So I followed them, and they were both – this was about 2.30 in the afternoon, and they were either high on ecstasy or just really, really drunk. But the one guy kept grabbing at the girl's tit. And, like, this is just on Granville Street. And, like, at one point the other guy was, like, trying to pull, like, a thing off of this woman's stroller. And it was just, like, they were, like, one, like, a three-unit Mardi Gras. Just the three of them were just so drunk.

And, like, people actually drinking were, like, putting down their drinks and, like, What the fuck? It's only 3 o'clock in the afternoon. These guys are just... Anyway, so I think I saw the first seeds of a really weird threesome. That's how it would start. We met this girl at 11 o'clock in the morning. We got drunk and we were having weird pink sunglass sex by 6.

And I was in the hospital by 8. But there's a i was we were drinking toby hargraves and i went drinking at the jupiter and uh you know how there's the there's the now like there's supposed to be a wheelchair lift yeah the jupiter that's been like in extinct mode since forever and we just passed these guys as we were walking up and there was a guy in a wheelchair with his friend and his friend was saying to him believe me bro I'm just as upset about this as you

and I was like impossible there's no way you're as upset your inability to walk pains me deeply. Maybe the wheelchair guy is over it, though. Yeah, no, probably. I imagine the other guy might be more upset. This doesn't happen to you every day that your wheelchair friend doesn't get into a place.

It would suck if you really wanted to get hammered and the wheelchair guy was like, I'll just go home. And you're like, no, fuck! guy was like, I'll just go home. And you're like, no, fuck! And then you go on this crusade to make more accessible drinking establishments. But then you stop just short because

you meet a black woman, a crazy raver. And you're like, wait a minute, I have another idea how to spend my day. Later! Screw social justice. It was scary. And then Kyle, tell the other one. The other overheard was very funny.

Okay, well, while I was waiting for you to get back home, Dave, I went and sat down on the grass, and your neighbor lady looked over at me, and she was like, Are you waiting for Dave? And I was like, Yeah, yeah, I am. And she was like, Oh, he just left a little while ago with his girlfriend and his dad. Or her dad. And I thought she was talking about Graham.

I was like, oh, Graham's going to be pissed off about this. That's what beards do to people. Graham, you could be my dad. Yeah, it's true. Well, I wouldn't have made that assumption, but I don't know. But you did. Yes. You assumed that she made that assumption.

And you know what happens when you assume? I can ask out of you and Uma Thurman. Isn't that what the thing was? Uma Thurman's getting married. To who? Elmick Fearson's ex-husband. Ethan Hawke again.

David Copperfield? No. No. That was Claudia Schiffer. Some Swedish guy. Abba? Yes. She's getting married to all four members of Abba.

Jenny and Bjorn from Abba. married to all four members of ABBA. Danny and Bjorn from ABBA. And Agnetha and Anna Frida? I don't know. I can't remember all their names. But maybe I already did. Go ABBA! I like it because you spell it the best way

forward and backwards. Doesn't matter. It's still good. Because of all the hits. And the new Mamma Mia movie that's coming out. Starring Meryl Streep. Yeah. Do we smell another Oscar? Who's going to be the dad?

Colin Firth or the other two? I don't know. I don't even know what the plot... Have you seen Mamma Mia? I've seen the previews. I don't know. Did you know that 30 million people have seen the play? I believe that.

People love ABBA. It's way disproportionate to how good they are. People love ABBA. I think they're pretty great. As a band? I don't own any of their albums. No, all their songs are immensely... What do you think?

ABBA? Yeah. Catchy tunes. Catchy. They're universally catchy, even if you don't like that type of music. What more do you want? They did Dancing Queen, right? Oh, is that right?

They did Waterloo. My turn. They did Take a Chance on Me. Ooh. Yeah. That is a classic. I remember when that song used to play during the swimsuit commercial that ran in the middle of the night.

Remember that? Yes! Yes! What? song used to play during the swimsuit commercial that ran in the middle of the night remember that before i had uh access to internet pornography uh pornography is that what you just called it that's what you say when you're a cut they had these commercials for a chat line uh and it would it would just be uh chicks in bikinis for like half an hour for half an hour and they would play it would be cover versions of take a chance on me um that hootie and the blowfish song i only want to be with you oh yeah there was some rock and rod steward yeah if you uh do you think i'm sexy okay i absolutely don't recall do you recall the one that was a similar thing but it was all these

ladies were all on the phone and then there was a crazy guy in there that did impressions no you don't remember do you remember that but no good the whole the whole commercial was tainted it was super terrible but there was this guy would walk around doing impressions and he'd be like rodney dangerfield he'd be like hey why don't you give him a call right and like it was it would then it would be five minutes, but all the women dancing all were on the phone. That's a great idea, because you want to entice the people to call,

but you don't want the commercial to be good enough on its own. Yeah, that you're like, and spent. In that sense, they had the right idea. Yeah, because there's the guy who interrupts. And the phone really takes away from the whole mental picture. Man, if you can find a clip of that guy, the impressionist guy, it was... Monet? Yes, that's who it was.

That's funny how in one context, impressionist is an amazing artistic achievement. But in another... But in the other context, you can go fuck yourself. Good luck getting a Derby's that Tuesday. That's a local comedy show for anybody who's not from

Vancouver. It may not be running by the time this episode comes out. What do you want to do next? You're the host. Do I want to make fun of your ankle next? You're the host. Do I want to make fun of your ankle socks? Yeah, go ahead. Nobody's going to know that I'm wearing them.

I could just say that you're lying. I don't want to get ankle tan lines, all right? So up yours. They're black. Very, very short black socks on this hottest of days. They look good in the shoes. I bet. They just look kind of weird out of the shoes. Yeah.

All right. I'm over it. Good. They're like business casual ankle socks. I don't like them. I mean, they look kind of like if I was studying martial arts, then you guys wouldn't be laughing so hard. Let's talk about how uncomfortable we are right now. Because I had to close the window for the podcast.

It's so... Because we have a barking dog outside. It's like... Always. Snoopy. This is brought to you from fucking botanical gardens. Yeah. This is a...

It's like an impression of a rainforest. This is where we could keep butterflies just floating around naturally and not have to worry about it. It's that humid. If it gets any warmer in here, we're going to be sitting in a circle chanting and banging on the floor. I ain't gay or nothing, but I'm ready to take my shirt off.

How would that be gay? If we all did it, maybe. And then if we had gay sex. I'm not going to do it because this is a leather couch. And that's a recipe for further uncomfortability. Oh, but also hilarious sound effects. That one?

It would be. Grossaroo. If you actually thought that a guy taking his shirt off was gay, that would be very interesting to have you go on a trip to the beach. Yeah. Like, it's beach this time of day. Yeah. Like, gets beached this time of day. Look at all these gay men.

There's a lot of things that I realize now. I guess not gay, but, like, aren't manly. Like, walking around with... Owning an umbrella. Now it just seems like, oh, it's a great idea. Yeah. But a few years ago, I'd have been like, what? Come on. Grow up.

Grow up. Get soaked. Or smelling flowers. Like, enjoying the smell of flowers. Oh, like you'd be like, what are you, Ferdinand the Bull? You remember that story? No. What? No?

Ferdinand the Bull. He was supposed to fight the matadors, but he just likes sitting around smelling flowers. It's a fucking parable for our times. Our times? Not yours. Apparently. For my times. Yeah. I'm much older than these guys. I'm Dave's dad. So that's in my generation.

I'm Dave and Abby's dad. Let's do a round, because we haven't for a couple episodes, of stunt casting. Yeah. This is where we take an old TV show or movie, and we decide who would be cast in the awesome Hollywood remake. And Kyle Bottom has suggested Three's Company. Are you an actor?

Are you looking for work? Stunt casting. Stunt casting. Stunt casting. Stunt. Stunt casting. Powder. Danny DeVito. Taxi Cab the movie.

Danny Glover. Martin Short. Anyone in the movie. Glover Martin Short anyone in the movie pure luck stunt casting so okay Kyle Bottom we got Three's Company obviously we've got

the three that live in the house are we what era of landlord what era of Chrissy didn't they replace Chrissy with a different lady?

Yeah. Because you wanted more money. You have to be the original Chrissy. I think so, but I think we could do all three landlords. Yeah, it's like a confluence of landlords that would have happened at once. And don't forget Larry.

Oh, of course. No, never forget Larry. So we've got Jack and then Chrissy and Janet? Yep. And the Ropers. The Ropers and Mr. Furley and Larry. All right. So who, let's start, let's start, do we want to start out and move in? Let's start with Larry and build all the way up to the Jack Tripper because he's going to be the centerpiece yeah all right larry is a guy yeah so he's to be a guy okay or ninja turtle and he's got

curly hair and he was always on the make right he was always kind of horned up yeah and he was kind of a cheesy looking guy all right maybe the uh maybe albert hammond of the strokes with his afro or possibly one of one of the members of the mars volta oh really you think you make him younger i always thought of him as kind of like an older creepy dude who'd like all right what do you have in mind he's like genius too old really larry was like he was jack's friend yeah he was yeah i always put him at like late 30s okay like he's too old to be you know swinging around big swinging dicks not appropriate all right um i don't know i'm trying to think of who would be who epitomizes that kind of uh i'm just going by hairstyle we're looking for we're looking for horned up and kind of lame?

Yeah, or hairstyle would work too. Gene Simmons? Oh, I like that. I like Gene Simmons because he's both of those. And he kind of had the Larry do at the same time. More of a Larry don't. I don't think so. Big wink on that one. Radio wink.

That's what it sounds like. Wrong. What does it sound like then? It sounds like dead air. I don't like it. So, okay. Gene Simmons sold. Done.

Done. So then we got the fantastic, the Ropers. Right? That's the old couple. Norman Fell and Mrs. Fell. Yeah. She was a redhead and she was always up for sex. I think America would appreciate a reprive of the lady that played Peg on Marriage of a Childhood.

Katie Segal? Katie Segal. You're right. You are right. Yeah, I think everybody would appreciate her back in the saddle again. All right, then Mr. Furley. Mr. Roper. Mr. Roper's got to be someone not too memorable.

Yeah, he's got to be somebody who's kind of crusty. And homophobic. Crusty and homophobic. Was the idea behind the show that she named Earl? Guy Earl. Done. So we've got Katie Seagal, Guy Earle, Gene Simmons. I don't think I can dig up a picture of Guy Earle for the Photoshop.

I have the front page of the province. I have it at home. Do you? Yeah, you can scan it in. He's wearing a shirt that looks like Weird Al Yankovic's. He's wearing a hilarious shirt that has a bunch of cocktails on it. He's a ridiculous

man. Okay, so now we have Mr. Roper. No, Furley. Mr. Furley. Oh, Mr. Furley. That's right. Mr. Furley. Kind of a gangly Don Knotts-esque fellow. Is Don Knotts dead?

Yes, unfortunately. Who is his protege? Who is the modern-day Don Knotts? Lovable, goofy, gangly. Goofy. Carlos Mencia? No, not gangly. No.

Carlos Mencia should not be allowed in any productions real or fictional. You know what? Just quit being a playa hater. Yeah, you're right. Because that guy's got the goods. It's clearly my jealousy coming to the surface. I want someone so gangly they weigh 85 pounds.

All gangle. Michael Cera. He's pretty gangly. A little young, though, I think. Yeah, you're right. Michael Cera with 10 pounds of makeup on. Yeah, but he's too understated. You need a guy who's got to be like...

Oh, jeez. Oh, there's got to be someone. Dane Cook. No, he's too understated. You need a guy who's got to be like... Oh, jeez. Oh, there's got to be someone. Dinkook. No, he's too understated. We'll get back to Mr. Furley. All right. What about Chrissy? That's an easy one.

A girl from the hills. Next. Which one? Heidi Montag? That's the one. She's perfect, Chrissy. All right. Hatable, blonde, breasty.

No, but Chrissy was lovable, wasn't she? Nah. Janet was hateable. Oh, Janet. Take your pick on Janet. Bad attitude. Give it up, girl. What about, oh, that girl.

What's her name? Chloe Savigny? Could she be a good Janet? Not really attractive. I do hate her. There you go. You know, would you agree? Chloe Savigny.

Is that how you say her last name? Who is she? Sevigny? Sevigny? She's the one who gave the guy a blowjob in a movie called Brown Bunny. Oh. Sure, why not? She was in Kids.

Who do you see as Janet? I instinctively hate any woman who gives any guy a blowjob. That's a weird policy to have, Kyle, bud. That's why I don't have a lot of friends. I don't know what that means. I'm not satisfied with that so a short haired a dark haired woman dark haired woman

with short hair well uh the one who played Gunny on Major Dad how about Hilary Swank the budget of this show just went way up How about Hillary Swank? The budget of this show just went way up. Or Hillary Swank's career went way down.

I like Hillary Swank in that role. All right. Heidi Montag. All right. You're sold on Heidi Montag? Are you not? It could be any blonde bombshell. I picked her because I saw her on a bus stop at.

There's so many blonde bombshells and I can think of none. Yeah, I don't know. That girl that you had a crush on. The one who was in Perfect Ten, etc. Marissa Miller. She could be it.

She can't act. Who cares? Neither could she. Heidi Montag. Alright. Remember when the segment was Money in the Bank? No. Okay. Alright, Jack Tripper. This is the lynchpin. Jack Tripper's gotta be a physical

comedian. Jamie Kennedy? I don't hate it. Can you picture it? Jamie Kennedy alongside... Yeah. Okay, so Jamie Kennedy. Who do we have?

We still need Mr. Furley. I know. Mr. Furley. We're looking for some kind of rubber-faced Roberto Bonini. Yeah, I get it. I don't hate it.

So there you go. Why you so homosexual? You better not to be a non-homosexual. Is there an Italian word for homosexual? Fagatini. Fagatini. It's a kind of pasta. All right.

Well, I think that we really pulled it out of the fire there. Just barely. It was going in the fire. I think the audience can judge whether or not. Yeah, that's true. Okay, let's bring it up with a celebrity crush hat with Kyle Bottom. Come on. Celebrity crush hat. Crush bring it up with a celebrity crush hat with Kyle Bottom. Come on. Celebrity crush hat.

Crush in the hats. Celebrity crush hat. Go fuck yourself. Celebrity crush hat. Chapeau chinois. Celebrity crush hat. Crush hat. 27.

That's in the future. Who did I have a crush on? Next year. All right, put it back. You son of a bitch. Okay, hold on. I got one. Five.

You want me to put this one back, too? Do you not want to do five? 1987. Who would I have even had a crush on when I was five years old? I don't know. Put it back. I used to have a lot of big booby dreams when I was younger. All right. 20. All right, 20. That of big booby dreams when I was younger. Twenty.

That's fair enough. That's a reasonable age. When I was twenty, it was the year 2002. Do you need to look anything up? Probably. Is this Greg Norman? Alright, 2002. You were twenty.

You were twenty. You were a young buck. And with a little bit of searching. We've decided to recently just make this all about the guest. Yeah, because we ran out of celebrity crushes. And we ran out of ages. But the other day, Abby reminded me that at age 20, the very age we're talking about, I had a celebrity crush on current VH1 host and former Much Music host Rachel Perry. Remember Rachel Perry?

Rachel Perry. She's blonde, gal. She used to be a VJ. Okay. And she seemed like a cool chick. Yeah. Pretty lady. Don't think so.

Cool chick. Not sure. All right. Graham's not sold. but you know what? If I brought home Rachel Perry, Graham, I know, would support me. I don't know if Abby would, though. Yeah. We'll see.

Yeah, I don't know if I would, dude. What if I was super wasted with Rachel Perry and another chick, and we're having a crazy three-way with pink glasses. Oh, then I'd be following you guys for blocks and be like, Dave, remember when we used to do a podcast? And I wouldn't. Yeah, you'd be all like, I'm too high. Kyle, let's

get to you. So, with a very minor amount of internet searching, I've come to the conclusion that when I was 20, my celebrity crush was Heather Graham. Oh, actress. Yes. Actress and seductress.

From such movies as From Hell, which I was a big fan of. At the time. Yes. Were you really? Nothing gets me turned on more than a story about Jack the Ripper. Did you see it? Yes. Did you enjoy it? I i loved it did you enjoy her yes i never thought the first big movie she was in she was roller girl right well we mentioned

the last episode the first big movie she was in was licensed to drive where she got some feldman up in it where she got some feldman up in it but did she i didn't see it no yeah but she wanted some oh the whole thing is they get their license so that they can get some hame feldman up in it oh we should show you after the show actually the uh cory feldman dance video no don't wave it off it's great it's worth mentioning twice the listener knows um yeah okay so most famous from or the first breakthrough thing she did after that was probably... She was Roller Girl. I think that was the next most famous. Or Swingers.

She was in Swingers as well. Oh, yeah, she was the new girl that Jon Favreau meets. I would say the big breakout was Roller Girl. I really liked her in that. I really liked her as Roller Girl. Because she got naked-ed. And I really liked her in Austin Powers. I thought she was very funny in Bowfinger

and only learned afterwards that the character she played was based on Anne Heche. Oh. Because Steve Martin dated Anne Heche in her early years in Hollywood and she was very much apparently like the Heather Graham character just slept with whoever she thought would get her to the top. Speaking of which, is she still a lesbian? No. Back to sausage.

Very much so. That's terrible. No, that was her thing. She would sleep with whoever was be the Ellen or Steve Martin. Yeah, she slept with Steve Martin and that's why he wrote that character as being this opportunistic,

we'll sleep with. Oh, you're this? Oh, you can get me more scenes? You can get me more scenes? This fucks everybody on the set. Yeah. And if you haven't seen Bowfinger, I'm not surprised.

I've seen Bowfinger. I'm just talking to the audience. You didn't like it? Well, it was not good. Here's an Eddie Murphy fact for you that's the best thing ever currently going on in America right now. There's a movie out this summer called... Something Dave. Hey, Dave.

Inside Dave. Inside Dave. And basically... I think it's called Get Back Sally. Watch out, sister. The promotion team has decided, because the big poster for it is Eddie Murphy's head, with Eddie Murphy poking out the ear and being like, hello! The big promo team move is they designed a car in the shape of Eddie Murphy's head,

and they're driving it from one end of America to the other. Like the Wienermobile. But it's frightening, because it is actually just Eddie Murphy's head driving down the highway. Like giant Eddie Murphy head. That is creepy. That's the easy rider i want to see uh yeah i really enjoyed heather graham and now i don't oh she is one of the uh actresses that i place in the category of actresses who always sound like they're reading their lines. Her and actors as well.

Drew Barrymore. Oh, yeah. Oddly enough, my crush wasn't based on acting skills. Oh, really? Was it boob related? It actually probably was. And I think she has really nice eyes. Those big like...

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's got big eyes. Like dinner plates. Yeah. Well,, like... Oh, yeah, yeah. She's got big eyes. Like dinner plates. Yeah. Well, Kyle Botton likes dinner plates. Yeah. He's got... He's like a bull in a china shop when he sees dinner plates.

Well, thanks for opening your heart. Yeah, buddy. And thanks for coming out for the podcast. You've already plugged the new show at Slickety Jim's. Anything else? Which is definitely still running. It's still going. That's still happening. It's huge. And angry comedians drinking at Kickety Jim's. Anything else? Which is definitely still running. Still gone. That's still happening.

It's huge. And angry comedians drinking at Kishu Sushi. Can I drink anywhere else? Can I go across the street to Cafe Barney? No, Dylan Rimer said Kishu Sushi. That's it. That's your choices. Get used to it or get on the bus and go back to the east side.

There's no other Thursday show in town. It's the choice of our generation. Dave, it's been fabulous. Yeah, and listeners, if you want to contact us, it's stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. And you'll see a picture of Heather Graham at stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com. That's it. Oh! And yeah, like you were saying,

this next, the following podcast will be back. Again, live. Barring terrorists. Take me out. By Franz Ferdinand. But yeah, it's... So yeah, thanks for tuning in. And thanks for fucking uh, tuning in and thanks for fucking around grandpa. And, uh, you guys are awesome and come back again for another thralling edition of stop

podcasting yourself. Thank you.