Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 255 - Chris Gordon

Episode Date: February 4, 2013

Comedian Chris Gordon returns to talk about needles, vocal jazz, and comedy's greatest reveals.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 255 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who feels like he just got home, Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh, is that from a song? Yep.

You make me feel like I just got home. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Madonna's, Madonna's and I feel like I just got home. Yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Madonna's. Madonna's. And I feel like I just got home. Yeah, like a ray of light. Yeah. That was a really peppy song about, you know, just getting home from work.

Yeah, kicking off your Sunday shoes. But you still got to cook dinner. You've got, you know, maybe. She doesn't. Because she was married to Dennis Rodman. Oh, yeah. Chef Dennis. He used to, yeah, Chef Dennis. He used to make a mean meatloaf.

And our guest today, very funny comedian, he's known as the Ginger Yeti, Mr. Chris Gordon. Thanks, thanks for having me. Thanks for coming back on the show. This is the best. It's very early for me. Yeah, it's noon. It's very early for me. Yeah. It's noon. It's noon.

Yeah. I feel like I said before, but I feel like I could throw up at any moment. Okay. Well, don't. I'm trying not to. Did you eat a lot of Michelinas last night? Why do you feel so sick? I haven't heard about Michelinas in a while. Do you still eat those every day?

Oh, yeah. I made it from a Mama Michelina's recipe. You just have a muchacosta, so you're much a lot of save up. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Hey, Michelinas. That's what Madonna was so excited about when she got home. Yeah, that's our sponsor.

I would love a Michelina. That's your sponsor now. Yeah, of course it is. Yeah. Michelinas, try their new chicken parmesan. Yeah, try their horizontal salad salad i was doing really well with horizontal and i lost the plot who buys a frozen salad vertical salad yeah well vertical salad is a pretty good band oh man oh man let's get to know us. Chris.

Yes. You're in town working at the Comedy Mix. Yep. You tour all over the country. That's right. What's new? What's new and exciting? What's shaking?

Hey, Chris. Yeah. Have we ever done this? Which? Where we switched from Get to Know Us to the new name of the segment? Which is? Chris. Yeah.

Wow me. Oh, man. I felt like taking off my shirt right away. I felt like, yeah, it doesn't work. So which one am I doing? Am I wowing or getting to know? Just Get to Know Us. I don't remember if there was a question.

What's up? Yeah, how's it going? What's new with you? I grew my beard if there was a question. What's up? Yeah. How's it going? What's new with you? I grew my beard even more from last time. You did? And people told me, I've had a comedian told me he watched The Progress on Facebook. He hated it at first.

But when I saw him yesterday, he's like, nah, now I like it. So I'm there. I think I did it. You won over the one guy who cared. Yeah. You won over one guy. And I think maybe you need to block that guy from your Facebook. If he's looking that intently at...

Or, you know, only share photos with friends or whatever. Yeah, I guess. Oh, like different security settings? Absolutely, yeah. Like, really freeze that guy out. Can you, on Facebook, can you create, like... I know you can do this on Google+, create different circles of people you know. I have no idea what Google+.

Google+, is like the failed Facebook that everyone was very interested in for four days. People add me, and I'm in these circles, and then I don't know what to do. It's just like a thing on my email that I have, like, no idea. It seems like a minus, right? Come on. Ah, I told you not to get me in the morning. When you go on Google+, does everybody...

Do you find yourself in the enemy circle? Oh, man, I'm in everybody's enemy circle. There's an enemy circle? I don't know. You get to create your own circles. You can say, oh, these people are my friends. These people are my work friends. These people are my baby mamas. These work friends these people are you know my baby mamas these people are i was in different areas yeah

that seems way more like these are friends and mean circles seem mean now it does seem mean because a lot of times like you would be like working with somebody and be like oh you know we've got together socially i've been to your house like maybe, and then the person's like, nope, work friend. Do you know what I mean? No, but you don't get to see what circle you're in. Oh, you don't? No. Oh, it's only the... Yeah, I have a circle of jerks. Pretty good.

A jerk circle? Yeah. Okay, that's weird. Sounds like something different. No, it's close to something different. But it's cool. We get together. We decorate cookies. That's like a hockey team thing, I think. No, it's just my jerk circle. It's not what you think it is.

Like gingerbread cookies. Oh, right. Yeah, okay, okay. You get it. Frosting. Dude, I've been there. Yeah. I've been there. Did you play hockey? You grew up in Alberta.

Yeah, you seem like you would. Oh, what does that mean? You've got a big upper body. You've got broad shoulders. You were wearing skates when you came over? Or picturing just little tiny legs over the chair. You're like Johnny Bravo.

I guess you've got big legs as well. Now you're becoming that weird dude that follows me on Facebook. Your beard's going really well. Okay. Yeah, I mean, these are all right, I guess. These are not bad legs. How late in life did you play hockey? Like, from what years to years?

I played my whole life. So, until 20-something. Until you died. Yeah, I played some ghost hockey for a while. In the end, it was pretty fun. The Goose Bay Ghosts. Can I tell you what really

I can't get out of my head since being in Vancouver? Sure. I saw guys in the alley doing heroin and I can't get over it. It's terrifying and I almost passed out

and then I was worried that if I did, then heroin junkies would be helping me and like trying to and maybe sticking a heroin like revival needle in me or something i think you have a i think you're conflating a lot of things they don't use heroin needles for everything they don't sew you don't know that i don't know it was we're going, as was Simon. You've got to put your needle users in different circles.

Your heroin users, your adrenaline needles. I don't think they're going to care. I think that's their solution to everything. Needles from... I was like, I don't remember needles. Was that Flea? Did Flea play

Needles? Now, you were I was like, I don't remember Needles. Was that Flea? Did Flea play Needles? Flea. Oh, yeah. Now, you were afraid that heroin people were going to help you. It seemed like a movie. Like, it didn't seem real. There was guys crouching. Okay, we had to go see a theater, but then we had to enter through the back because it wasn't open, the front. And then we're on Main and Hastings. Yeahings that's where you go for that

that's where it was just terrifying everywhere I walked I was convinced I was walking on AIDS needles it's kind of like my whole life that's kind of my whole life it's like that Annie Lennox song we're walking on broken AIDS needles and then we went in the back and as we were leaving I kind of got over

I'm scared of this area but I'm okay and then walking the three guys huddled. And then I was like, what are they doing? Is it trash? Are they eating trash? That's sad. And then. Why would they be eating trash?

I don't know, because they were, like, near a garbage. And I was like, oh, they're homeless. This is sad. And then I saw one guy just this, this sound on another guy's arm. Oh, they were helping out each other. They were helping each other inject heroin. So did you think if you passed out, they would be like, oh, a fellow heroinista.

Let's help him out. Because they're the kind of guys who help each other with heroin problems. Was that the worry? Well, I hope they weren't just checking the one guy's blood pressure. You hope? Okay, no, I actually do hope that's...

Because I never saw a needle, but why else would you be slapping another dude's inner arm? Oh, it's the new high five. Yeah. Is that the new high five? Oh, God. Because, you know, the flu's going around, so you're not supposed to touch hands. It was a flu shot. They're doing alley flu shots.

But that doesn't work, because when you have the flu, you're supposed to cough right into the crook of your arm there. So he's touching where you're coughing. Oh, that's true. But maybe he's touching the opposite arm. You don't cough in both. Have you heard that referred to as the Dracula cough? Yeah. Because he sleeps in a coffin.

And does a lot of heroin. I get it now. What was I going to say? Oh, I didn't know. I kind of wanted. Okay. I get it now. What was I going to say? Oh, I didn't know. I kind of wanted, okay. I was like having panic inside and just keep walking. But then in my head, I'm like, wouldn't it be after? I was like, wouldn't it be funny if I said something?

Like, what do you say? Like, if I looked over, I was like, oh, hey, are you guys doing heroin? Like, I don't know how they'd respond. And then how would I be like, oh, that's cool. But what if they were like like give us all your money this heroin needle i know that's why i didn't talk to them yeah yeah that was probably smart just let them do their thing but it reminded me of uh i want to kind of try and write a bit about kind of try to write a bit about it i want to kind of try where i just don't give it your best shot no I'm just going to kind of talk about it here and then

not do it again. But I wanted to... Oh yeah, it reminded me of a joke I had where I was like, do you think ever super hardcore gangs like South Central LA, one of the guys, he comes up and he's like, what's up gang? Do you think he ever says that?

Gang's all here. Good job, gang. Stuff like that. I feel like, why not write that bit? We're going to green light that bit Really? It's a bit now? Well, we're going to send it up We're going to send it up the flag We're going to send it up the ladder

Well, I'll just give you a tip If you ever see any people doing heroin I guess they're like bears. They're more afraid of you than you are of them. They don't get between them and their cubs. Yeah. Well, that's what I was told right after. He's like, yeah, but they have their heroin.

They don't care about you. It's if they didn't have their heroin, maybe it would be like a problem. Yeah, that's true. You mentioned Dracula. I did. That's true. You mentioned Dracula. I did. That's true. You brought that up, right? I think Dracula is a good candidate,

but correct me if I'm wrong, which other classic movie monster do you think seems like he'd be a heroin addict? Oh, Phantom of the Opera. Oh. You know, just hangs out in the basement all the time. Half a face. Yeah, half a face.

Because the other half's where he ejects the heroin. Yeah, into his eyeball. A lot of tracks on his right side or whichever. Wolfman? I don't see it. No, Wolfman's more like a PCP. Yeah, sure. And a monster. Frankenstein's monster?

Frankenstein's? Oh, definitely the mummy, because that would be very easy to tie off with all those bandages. I think that he would, like, huff gas, because the bandages could, like, keep the gas, and then he's constantly a gas huffer. You know a lot. See, this is where, as we know the protocol around a heroine, you seem to know a fair degree of gas huffing knowledge. Yeah, I huff a bit. I mean. I can't believe I said this.

I huff a lot of gas, guys. Before a show, it's just cheaper. At this point, it's probably more expensive than heroin. Am I right? To today's prices. I met some guys in an alley and I started huffing heroin just to see what that was like.

It's hard to huff. Yeah, absolutely. Which is fun to say. I hard to huff. Yeah, absolutely. Which is fun to say. I used to huff snuff. This snuff is hard to huff. I kind of hate that. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So, like, so you saw a heroin guy. I think there's a heroin gang. I think Frankenstein might do it. Frankenstein, yeah. Maybe the bolts in his neck are like the... So he doesn't... There's probably holes in there that he...

He maybe unscrews them. He can mainline. Yeah, freebends. I don't really know what either of those mean. Yeah, me neither. He can free-line. Yeah. He can date line.

I think that's a fishing thing. So what else is going on? Where else have you toured? Now, Jason. Stop. Freddy might do it to ease the pain, yeah. Mm-hmm.

But they're not really classic movie monsters like The Thing or Black Lagoonster. The key is just to keep talking. Swamp Man. Swamp Man? Yeah.

The Swamp Man one? Swamp Man? I don't think that's a guy, is it? Yeah, yeah, Swamp Man. Swamp Thing. No, it's Swamp Man. Swamp Man. Jerry Swamp Man.

Yeah. He's one of those redneck or hillbilly hand fishers. Oh, right. I've got hand fishers. Guy with the bat ears. Is that a character? Yeah, he's from Weekly World News. Played by Christian Bale.

You're right, actually. Yeah, get it? I did a different thing. They were all fun. Did you know that past issues of Weekly World News are available online on Google Books? Really?

Yeah. I have mine on Google Circles. Oh, okay. Sure. It's one of my circles. Yeah, it's the Weekly World News. You've got friends with Batboy and the Yeti. Elvis.

A lot of their typing is not very good. Monster hands. You know what I mean? Yeah. What's the conceit that the Weekly World News was made by monsters? For us, by us. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure. Alright. Frankenstein catches up with Batboy. What doing now? Good stuff. Guy with gill chests. Guy with chest gills yeah i'm just trying to make up really bad monsters that's scary a guy who's got a gill chest just a chest full of gills yeah yeah yeah it's a pirate a guy with dill a guy's a guy whose chest smells like dill? A guy whose chest smells like dill.

But his chest hair is also dill? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be fun. Really pungent. Snip a little bit off and put it in a nice bean salad. Like a horizontal salad or something? Yeah. A frozen horizontal salad from Mika Linas. I think a bean salad is right for a horizontal salad.

Because it's harder to make those vertical. I'm thinking like longer beans. Yeah. Well, no, I would just... I don't think you, do you use long beans in a bean salad? Do I? Bean salad beans?

I don't want to get into it. So what else is happening? I just pour, I just pour, I get a bag of green beans and then I pour a bunch of Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola into the bag.

And then I shake it up and I serve it to my friends horizontally yeah horizontally yeah yeah it's best to serve it ice cold yeah yeah with i yeah it works even better if you get like a coke slurpee and instead of green beans so the salad lasts longer you can just leave leave it out. In bed. A guy with foot hands. Yeah, yeah. But also he has... No eyes. He has foot legs and his feet are where his feet should be. Yeah, and also he's a horse.

He's also a horse. It's a horse, man. Yeah, they only have feet. Oh, centaur. That's what we were trying to... Yes, we were trying to think of centaur earlier. I don't usually think of the centaur in the same league as a vampire. There's no scary movie with a centaur.

Yeah, which of your zodiac symbols do you think is most likely to be a heroin addict? Oh, um... Cancer. No, Sagittarius. Sagittarius is a centaur. Is it an AIDS one? Yeah, Sagittarius. Sagittarius. Oh, isarius is it AIDS one yeah Sagittarius Sagittarius

oh is that the that's like the horse yeah because they're on horse yeah

can that happen more than once I know it was like it just happened but can we

make it happen a few times oh man you are just chasing the dragon you want to recapture the magic of that first oh it's my fix yeah i don't know um and so what else is happening i filmed the thing you filmed the thing you filmed a special thing i've never done like a thing i've never done like comedy thing. I've never done like Comedy Now or whatever, those sort of TV specials. And I did one in Toronto.

Did you find it terrible? Thanks for asking. No, because it wasn't – you could pretty much do what you wanted. Nice. So it felt very free and I didn't have to limit things that I wanted to do. Did they light the audience? That's the thing with a live taping is a lot of times you can see everybody in the audience, which is terrible. No, they didn't light anything.

It was completely in the dark. It was amazing. It was show. I loved it. I guess all the green. Night vision goggles. Yeah. Which is the best way to take in jokes.

I don't know if you've ever done that. Comedy in the dark. That would be amazing. Everyone's wearing night vision. They should do that if they ever do an ad, or even if they do a comedy special. You know how in ads for really scary movies, they'll have one of those night vision cameras on the audience and see them all jump at the same time? Oh, they're all laughing. Yeah, except you see the comedian and he's lit normally.

And then you just see the audience, but they're like, so you don't have to light them. No, they're scared. They get terrified. So you're taking the footage from a crowd at Paranormal Activity and editing it. No, they just have a disorder where they don't know how to react to humor. They've been kidnapped.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gassed. And the best of it was also at the Apollo Theater. That'd be kind of nice, I think. Why is that? I don't know. Just the reactions, I feel, would be very... And how did they react?

Like, black people? What? Is that what you're waiting for? Is that what you were trying to pull out of me? How dare you? Night Vision Rider. Oh, classic movie monster. of your 80s uh tv uh heroes yes your night riders your magnums pi is most likely magnums pi that's the plural okay uh uh is most likely to huff gas. Oh.

I mean, Knight Rider. I mean, oh, they all have cool cars. Well, certainly those two. Yeah, definitely Knight Rider. Because his guy has gas in his seat. Runs on gas. Can you help me out? Yeah, and then for a kid, it's just like farting.

Oh, that's what I thought you... Okay, but Magnum's PI has the mustache, so it would be easier to keep in the gas a little longer. Now, what is that? You put gas on your mustache and then just get down to business? Yeah, you don't need a rag when you have a mustache to huff gas. Oh! You just pour it into your mustache. Hey, kids! You don't need a rag to huff gas with a mustache.

Yeah, it's an info wrap for kids yeah that's so weird i don't know why that was for kids it's a community outreach by the shell corporation to sell more gas who are the other ones the a team um uh heart to heart oh simon and simon uh-huh the The Edison twins. Joey Jeremiah. Twins the movie. Uh-huh. Gemini. McClane and McClane.

Simon and the fat man. Jake. Jake and the not as fat guy. Jake and the other guy. Jake and the snake. Jake and the other guy. Yeah. Jake and the other guy Yeah Jake and the other guy

In the mornings Oh man Alright I love that show Jake and the other guy So the special you filmed Is what Where can people see it

Or can people see it They can I told you Because it's completely in the dark Where can people hear it They can hear it Okay yeah They can hear it on

iChannel iChannel Which is some A channel Internet channel It's also an internet channel Oh is it Okay, yeah, they can hear it on iChannel, which is a channel. Internet channel. It's also an internet channel. Oh, is it? Yeah, I looked them up, and they have reruns of Knott's Landing. Big gas huffers.

Mostly gas huffers for the movie. Where they're on motorbikes, like dirt bikes most of the time, and then they keep losing the dirt bike competition because they keep huffing gas out of their dirt bike. I know. But it's not about winning. It's about huffing. That's a good tagline.

I'm not a drug aficionado. I know that heroin is a downer and cocaine is an upper. I thought you meant heroin. Are you doing heroin? You want a downer. It is a bit of a downer and cocaine is an upper. Oh, I thought you meant like heroin. Like, oh, you're doing heroin? You want a downer. It is a bit of a downer, isn't it? But what is gas studio? From my experience in gas stations, it gives you a headache.

Yeah, and it also, it makes you, this is, it makes you feel like a car. That's awesome so if you see people lined up in a car wash with no car they've been having oh man i just want to i want to just you know have gas and take out my t-top you know what i mean yeah pick up a hitchhiker. A lot of people you see without their shirts on on the beach and they have like an eagle drawn on their chest. Yeah, they think they're a trans ham. If you go to someone's bathroom and instead of a face towel, they've got a squeegee. Really? On iChannel, do they have reruns of knots landing is that i was something like that

falcon crest yeah like some that might have been the one one of those what's falcon crest i don't know it was one of the 80s show about eagles yeah really there's the first yeah no no it's about eagles huh welcome back to back to Falcon Crest. The bald-headed eagle. That was exactly from a show. I memorized that part. It's not the bald-headed eagle. Yeah, yeah.

Look at that bald-headed eagle. That's one of the movie monsters. The bald-headed eagle. Man. The bald-headed eagle. The bald-headed eagle man. Where The bald-headed eagle. Eagle man. Where his comb-over toupee is an eagle's wing. Yeah.

I think that might be right. That is scary. But he heads a Fortune 500 company. And he headbutts people. Yeah, absolutely. The only way he fights. Wow, we covered a lot of good ground. What is iChannel?

Is it national? Is it Toronto? I don't know. I think it's national. Oh, I love it. It's on the top 100 channels, somewhere in there. Is it the letter I or the eyeball? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's an eyeball.

Okay. No, no, no. It's letter I, little letter I, you know, and then the channel. Is channel capitalized? Channel's capitalized, yeah. How can they not have been seeded by maybe i don't know maybe they have been yeah maybe that's maybe that's why they're showing did you hear that there's a uh a metal shop like a uh i don't know what metal shops do they a welder okay they sell slayer albums. No, there's one in Burnaby, British Columbia, called Metallica. Oh.

And they've been sued. By Megadeth. For years and years and years. Wait, they got sued by Megadeth? No. They got sued by Hulk Hogan, former Metallica bass player. And they won. Because the Canadian intellectual property people were like...

Sorry, what? The metal shop won? Yeah. Wow. Because they were like, you're not in competition with Metallica, so you can use their name. Which seems dumb. It seems like Metallica should win that one, no problem. Yeah, like, hey, you're using our name there.

Yeah, there's nothing else called this. there yeah for your there's no there's nothing else called this there was a bar in vancouver in the apparently in the 90s that was named de nero's and robert de nero sued them and they had to change their name really yeah how many de nero's are there well it's there's mucho de nero's that seemed unfair but it was one of those things where it wasn't like they named it De Niro's and then it was like, you know, they take a dump on a plate or something. Like it was like a good restaurant. They wouldn't be smirching his name. Yeah, I know.

What are these restaurants you think of? Oh, I mean. You have bad ideas for restaurants. That's what I figured out right now. But like they didn't have De Niro-themed food, like you talking to me? Meatballs? Are you fucking my wife's

recipe for banana bread? Pretty good. Chris, do you want to add to that? I can only think of oh hell no where Will Smith punches an alien in the face that's the only thing I have in my brain I know that's why I couldn't say anything because I was just going to yell

oh hell nuts or something welcome to earth welcome to earth salad see this is the worst i think i did the worst ones by far no no no i think you're am i getting better yeah yeah this is a workshop there are no bad ideas here uh can we take down the time code to edit this part okay men in black eyed bees maybe if you could give me a list of robert de niro movies i would this would be meet the parents Men in black eyed bees. Still Robert De Niro wasn't in that. You think Tommy Lee Jones? Maybe if you could give me a list of Robert De Niro movies, this would be easier.

Meet the Parents. Okay, let me do that one. Can I order some meat for my parents? That's not bad. On the menu it just says meat for your parents. That's not bad. On the menu, it just says meat for your parents. You're not allowed to order it yourself. Only your parents. Meat for my parents is fine.

What's another Robert De Niro movie? Oh, God, why? No, just one more. Give him a taxi driver. Meat for my parents, too. Oh, 88 Minutes. 15 Minutes. Ronan.

Ronan. Are those movies? There you go, Ronan. Yeah, Ronan. That's an easy one. Oh, oh rigatonin there you go yeah there you go good yeah my doctor says i'm not getting enough rigatonin my dermatologist rigatonin take up inhibitors etc uh rigatonin tonin tonin like the group yeah tony tony tone is that what you're talking about no it's I don't think it ends in tone

is it Tony Tony Tone that would be amazing that's probably how they warm up for their songs yeah Tony Tony Tone that was good

that was as good as anything that was as good as any entertainment available anything I feel like we could do a better job

of harmonizing alright Tony Tony Tony Good Dave what's going on with you Do you know what Today is It's our anniversary What is that

Yeah That was Tony Tony Beat it Tony Tony. Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it. Tony, Tony, Tony's beat it. That's all you have to do to make a song. Who's the boss? I don't know if it's Tony. Here's what's going on with me.

Yesterday, I was in a sushi restaurant. And it was packed. It was Friday night. It's the place we always go. We never actually go there because it's always packed. But we order there and we pick it up. But I had to, like they said, be here in half an hour. And then even then I was waiting for another 20 minutes. What kind of magazines do they have?

You don't mind if I huff a little gas for this story? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to need to. But there was another guy waiting. And as I was waiting, I noticed that the music they were playing, it was like cool jazz. It was like light jazz, saxophone jazz. And there was this guy in the restaurant who was also waiting, and he knew all of the jazz oh he was singing along to this saxophone yeah yeah he like he wasn't just like he was scatting he was uh uh he knew all he'd

heard these recordings before and he was like and he was he was just waiting there for his sushi like me but he it's like he was trying to impress me and he won yeah yeah absolutely by the way it was a competition of who could impress dave every anytime i'm bored somewhere and waiting uh it's always a competition to see who impresses me the most and this guy you would say was the best yeah jazz uh guy that's the word i'm looking at manker others yeah yeah yeah uh but he wasn't impresses me the most. And this guy, you would say, was the best? Yeah, jazz guy. That's the word I'm looking for. Scatman Carruthers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he wasn't scatting. Scatting is random. He was repeating. It's not random, but it's like improvised. He wasn't improvising. So he was going like... He knew all the moves.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wasn't doing it loud. He was doing it sort of under his breath to himself. So was he kind of like... It was Jimmy Durante. We were listening to the 80s Jimmy Durante. Ha-cha-cha. Can we all take a turn trying to do...

Let's take three turns each. We're trying to do jazz like that guy who's good, but really our worst attempt at it. Okay, why don't you start? I tried before. I'm going to start. I'm going to try. Skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle, skittle. You're the Skittles guy. Do you remember when Chris died?

Somebody get me heroin. Inject it right in my heart. adrenaline yeah that's uh he's going through withdrawals yeah that's right yeah we agreed to uh see you through your withdrawals that's why the doors are locked i think it's right by the comedy club there's a it might not be by the comedy club uh-oh uh someone has made a sculpture To protest our Addiction to gasoline And they've made a giant syringe Out of oil barrels

And it's going into an SUV What? And I think they just parked it out on the street Like downtown? Oh wow I can't be near that That was the worst I think I'd pass out because it

combines all of your addictions yeah and all your fears fear of hummers yeah it's kind of weird it's not i don't think being afraid of hummers is weird they're huge yeah right they could easily roll over and kill you um so annoying when you get sushi to go, is there a typical, like, you know how there's like the classic Chinese food container to go. Is there a classic specific sushi way? No, the sushi way. Yeah, what is the sushi way? The sushi way, it's styrofoam. Sometimes it's plastic, little snapped together plastic things.

But there's no like... And a soup will be in a little bowl-shaped plastic. Like you would get a sour cream container. Oh, yeah. That kind of thing. I think they should have, like, a less girthy Pringles container. That's what I was going to say. I was going to say, like, the Pillsbury one where you twist to make croissants.

Oh, yeah. Or like a big thing of wine gums. Yeah, you just get it in a tube. Because all sushi is... Like a Rolo container. Or a Christmas candy cane. Oh, that's fun. And then there's a shrimp on the end.

Like a little guy? Yeah. That gives you your sushi? Yeah, there's a shrimp. Like a shrimp in the kitchen. They put googly eyes on him. They give him a little top hat. The shrimp chef, and he can't reach anything in the kitchen.

That's the worst cooking show. And also, he's like, stop. Stop looking at me, other chefs. Because he's a shrimp. If you're looking at me, I'm Chef De Niro. Shrimp. Everything overlaps. The one thing that when I order a shrimp...

I'm sorry. I go to the shrimp barn. I order them individually. I can't eat shrimp, actually. I order sushi. They always ask me how many sets of chopsticks I want. Because I think they're just testing to see whether you're a great big fat so who's gonna eat it all to yourself but sometimes I do like sometimes what because you're gonna use like multiple chopsticks at once no no like if you order one set of chopsticks

for all this food like it means you're gonna eat it all oh I went the other way sometimes but sometimes sometimes I do order just for myself and I order one thing too many, and I'm like, oh, I really should say I'm going to get two sets of chopsticks, because I don't want these people to think I'm going to eat all this by myself, which I am. But you should say two, and then put one pair in your hair. Thanks. I'm going to a very important dinner. Is that something that classy people do? chopsticks and things? no I think it's well when you said it I thought it was something that

like a geisha would do or like cho-cho-san who's cho-cho-san? she's madame butterfly that's one of the movie monsters the butterfly woman sorry oh yeah yeah pretty good yeah so uh sushi jazz yeah sushi jazz you're listening to k-104 sushi oh and i'm also a dog sitting uh past guest of the show steve bays i'm dog sitting his

dog and um it's a little tiny uh like chihuahua cross yeah they don't know exactly what it is um and i keep forgetting that it's a boy and i keep calling it oh good girl and look what she's doing it's a very tiny little dog looks like a cat like a little deer yeah yeah yeah that's the one i met on the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where I thought the one dog was babysitting the other dog. This is Dave's very new wave dog saying service. That's a great service.

Where one dog takes care of another. Yeah, the older dog. Yeah. Because it knows stuff like how to run the microwave. Yeah. And it can be like, you're allowed one popsicle oh man dogs eating popsicles did you ever what was the like i'm assuming both of you have taken care of younger children or you know been in charge i believe they're our future uh what

what was the youngest when like you were left alone alone to take care of your little brother? I don't really remember specifically the age, but it was, I think, as soon as you know how to dial the phone for 911. Your parents are like, we're out of here. I was the younger one. Yeah, me too. So I'm trying to remember. I had cousins. Wait, you have cousins? Yeah, that were younger is what I mean.

Chris made a face like, fancy. You get cousins, eh? I was born without cousins. Oh my god, I'm so sorry. You don't have any cousins? None. I don't have parents. I don't have anything.

That's weird. Just me, bros. Yep. Just me and... So where'd you come from? Sweet set of shoes. They're light up. I came from my dad.

Okay. Two dozen. Okay. You caught me in the lie. Nuts. You caught me in the lie. Do you remember those light up shoes? Yes.

The LA Gear ones? I want adult ones. Every time. Do they have adult ones? Yeah. Because I remember that kids still... All kids have light-up shoes now. If they don't have wheels, they light up.

Oh, the kids today. But I remember it was like the early 90s when companies were struggling with gimmicks. They were like, okay, we got to get Joe Montana to be the spokeswoman for k swiss spokeswoman i say spokesman joe like josephine montana oh yeah her uh but uh uh like reebok had the pump and nike i think at one point did nike have something that like was a syringe of air oh yeah it did it had a thing that... Oh, yeah.

Like a bicycle pump. And L.A. gear. Was it L.A. gear who had the light-up shoes? Yeah. And I remember there were like... Like people would get robbed for their shoes, or there were urban legends of that anyway. Yeah. And they caught some gang members who were wearing L.A. gears

because they were trying to run away, but their shoes were lighting up. Oh, sure. Absolutely. Don't try and run away in the dark, you dummies. They caught gang members because their shoes lit up? Yeah, because they tried to get away, but they were like... That's amazing.

Oh, there they are. Yeah. In the park. Those guys. The faster they run, the brighter their shoes light up. There's a pair... There's a new kind of... I think there's a new kind of Reebok that looks – they're the craziest looking things.

Like they're cross trainers but they look like – Cross dressers. They look like they have octopus. They look like a pump but they feel like a sneaker. They have octopus kind of – it looks like it has tentacles. It's the craziest because they had like a shoe where the sole would look like a – Ziggy zaggy? Yeah, kind of like a lightning bolt or something.

And now, you know, you kind of thought like, that's the weirdest possible shoe. Oh, I know what you're talking about. The treads that were like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of like a... Lightning bolt. W's or whatever, yeah. Thank you.

You jerk. Do you think there are any... I thought you were going to call me a jizz. Yeah, you jizz. Do you think there are any really cool... Could there ever be a gang that wears those toe shoes? Yeah. What are the toe shoes?

Shoes where you can see the toes? They're like running shoes. They're supposed to... They're called Vibram Five Fingers. Ew. That is really gross. They're supposed to simulate running barefoot yeah oh i've never seen that oh you should live here yeah yeah really the gang is

called mountain gorillas they're they're a raw food gang yeah exactly we're the silverbacks um because they're gorillas and they're old oh sure And they're old. Oh, sure, absolutely. They're all alpha males. All of them. They're not much of a gang. They just do their own thing. If I was in a gang with light-up shoes and the cops were chasing me, I would just take really big jumps. You know what I mean? Because then if you were far enough away, the cops would be like, look at how spaced out those lights are. This guy must be enormous. I just want to tell you guys that I can jump really far. This guy must be enormous. Yeah.

Plus, I just want to tell you guys that I can jump really far. Yeah, you're like the Hulk. You're known for your Hulk with light-up shoes. Yeah, you're able to jump long distances. I would take the shoes off, but still. Use them with your hands? Yeah. Like up walls?

You're like, this guy's crazy. He's running up a wall. He's a mutant. I would have them on sticks so it looked like I was running somewhere else. Beside you? Yeah. How long are these sticks? He's very long.

And like Charlie Chaplin with the... With the potatoes. Or rolls or whatever, yeah. He truly is our greatest chaplain. It's true. Anyway, what's up with you, my friend? Two things. This week, one of the things was I was given as a gift a prosthetic leg.

What? Yeah, so... You have both your legs, right? Yeah, I do, absolutely. And I'm just kind of holding it until... Yeah, that's true. You don't know. You've never seen me in shorts. No, I mean the gift. until... Yeah, that's true. You don't know. You've never seen me in shorts.

No, I mean the gift. Oh, yeah, that's true. Yeah, it's like, what do you get the guy who's got everything? But, you know, I'm just going to hold it until I find somebody who needs a free... But I think they're fitted, right? Like, they're very specific to the person. Is it a lefty or a righty it's a lefty oh i need one i took it home and i put flowers in the top of it so it's like a vase right now you're very crazy

that seems like something you should put up in a tgi fridays or something a personic links is a flower vase. Yeah, exactly. And then if you drink the water out of it, you get a brownie. That's TGI Fridays. Drink the water out of our crazy leg vase and win a brownie.

Oh, man. It seems sad to me. It looks like a memorial piece or something. Yeah, in a way it is. Like I would see that driving on the highway. The spot where the guy lost his leg. And also put his prosthetic leg there to remind you.

Like, that's where I lost it. Yeah, it's like a warning to the others. Yeah. Who others? The other people that might lose their legs. Absolutely. Public service. And then a deer comes along and takes it, and it's got a weird prosthetic human leg I don't mind

that narrative at all fine um so there's a comic who from Edmonton who has one leg

and he does a reveal partway through his show oh I'm probably ruining a show right now I just realized that anyone going to a comedy show

in Edmonton, suspect everyone. Yeah, exactly. Watch everybody's walk as they come out on stage. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. But he's a very funny guy. And twice I've followed him a couple times. And I said on stage, I'm like, oh, I know what he's going through. One time I hit my shin really hard.

And then I tried to adapt that this weekend, um, with the comedian who's in a wheelchair, um, who's, uh, the MC said, got away with,

uh, saying, uh, got away with, by the way, we're not trying, we're not trying to, well,

I mean like you're setting it up like, Oh, we're trying to get away with dehumanizing people. We are trying everything we can do. Degrading others. Oh, can you believe you got away with that? And I got... Well, tell us what you said. Well, he said that something about he's really funny,

but his battery shuts off in 20 minutes. And the crowd thought it was funny. And then I get up there and i said i tried to adapt the leg thing and i said one time i got hit in both my shins really hard and i get i know what he's going through because i couldn't walk for like a day and they hated me i'm not the gate everybody just starts chanting not the same not the same bad analogy i know and then i was i got all mad because like you, the other guy said... It was a rough start.

You recovered. I went for the rest of my set in a wheelchair. And then I told this guy one of my things I've always wanted to do was perform in a wheelchair. I think I've joked about this with other comics. Perform in a wheelchair the whole time and then at the end of the set you just get up and walk off stage.

But is all your material about being in a wheelchair? What are the big comedy reveals? Oh, there's this guy in Edmonton who's got one. Wasn't there Klaus Meyers? He never revealed. At the end of his act, he would start talking in an American voice. All of his jokes were about being German. Being from East Germany. We have ways of making you laugh yeah and then he just gets out

of a wheelchair yeah yeah he gets about a wheelchair and he doesn't have the he takes the eye patch off and he's got two eyes both of his hands aren't hooks hooks just there's a local comedian i don't know if this is something, I don't know if this ruins it, I won't say the name, but a local comedian who is gay, but like... Removes a leg. Yeah, removes his leg, and then does gay stuff to it. How did you say that? Am I thinking I'm supposed to say that?

Or is it offensive? Oh, man. Yeah, no, there's... Am I thinking I'm supposed to say that part? It was offensive. Oh, man. Yeah. No, there's – I know another comic who does an accent that would then reveal it partway through the act. And I know a guy who used to do – he doesn't do this character anymore, but he used to do a character and halfway through the set, he would break the character and everybody was so mad because they really liked the character. And they thought it was a real guy. uh it wasn't fun for the audience they were like well that wasn't fun to be tricked the whole time so then he had to stay in character during his set and then after when he would meet people from the audience he had to stay in the character the entire evening and he sells them his c, and then they go home and listen,

and the reveal's on the CD. Yeah, he's like, by the way. What if he meets a girl and he gets married, and he has to keep it up for their entire marriage? And finds out he only has one leg. I like how we've kind of revealed like 10 different comics acts and what they're up to without giving any names.

Yeah, exactly. That's kind of awesome. But pay close attention next time you're at a comedy club. Anybody could be doing anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch for it. That's mostly what comedy is, like Dave said, trying to get away with stuff. Yeah, it's misdirection.

That's why they're not tricks, they're illusions. That's right. Do you remember the character that I do that... Yes, I do. You then didn't go well for't go well there's no reveal you're clearly not chinese the character he does is chinese no well it's not described he's asian yeah because it's all different things mixed together yeah yeah yeah and. It's a real salute to the Pacific Rim. His name is Bok Choy.

Yeah. What were you about to move us on to? Oh, you guys don't want to talk about that? Because when I revealed that that was my favorite part after I did the character is I took off the kimono and the angry eyebrows. Yeah, he goes took off the kimono and the angry eyebrows

yeah he goes out with a kimono and angry eyebrows and i say after i did the character i took out and i was like hey guys it's actually me chris gordon and nobody found that funny except yeah i was like this is the best they knew right so this is funny uh no they just hated me but graham told me he tried to help it the next night. You tried to get me to do it again. Yeah. Which you did. No, I didn't do it the next night.

Oh, you didn't do it the next night. I've done it multiple times. Right. But that wasn't the time I saw it wasn't the first time you had ever attempted that. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah. It's gone really well.

Has it ever gone really well? It's gone very well multiple times. Really? And I've done it so I leave all that stuff on and then just do my normal jokes. I've done it where I just do that. You just keep that costume on the whole time? Yeah. Oh.

And. But the best response, I like I know neither of you guys want to talk about this. It's just me talking about it. No, this is great. You can edit it out. No, this is great. You can edit it out. No, we will never. Yeah. But the response that I like best is when people come up to me and say I was laughing.

Molested by an Asian person. So that's funny. So I found that very funny. Yeah. No, they say that they laugh, but they didn't think they should be laughing. And I'm like, that's probably right. Yeah. That's probably. Because I'm trying.

That's a complicated feeling. It is a complicated feeling. They're like, I'm laughing, but I shouldn't be. My doctor said not to laugh. Oh, my stitches. Did you think it was racist? Because I want to be. I'm trying to make it so it's so over the top.

That it's not. You're doing the like, I get it. I'm not racist because I know I'm not racist make it so it's so over the top. That you're doing the, like, I get it. I'm not racist because I know I'm not racist. Well, yeah, I'm just trying to be so over that it becomes ridiculous. No, I don't think it's racist. But I know that the audiences, when you do it, think it is. Well, the time you saw, yeah. It was a pretty massive crater to try and crawl out of afterwards.

But, you know, fun's fun. Check out Chris Gordon in his Bok Choy review. I did get reviewed. Yeah. And it was bad. That's true. What did the review say? Well, me love you, short time.

That's one of his jokes. Well, sort of. I don don't know he just slammed me for everything uh but my favorite part was he said next up on the show was still local comedian chris gordon and i'm like what is still local like local you know kind of has a connotation like uh he hasn't left or it seems negative well still local certainly does still local seems the worst and then i was hung up on that and i just kept introducing myself as that on shows and didn't you have that wasn't that on your like website yeah i've made the still local i've changed my album that i have not finished to release to be called chris gordon still local and then all the picture of me in the front is made up of his bad review and things he said.

I didn't, you know what, I didn't dwell on it. I didn't dwell on the review. I used it in a positive way. Yeah, yeah. And you still bring it up to this day. Yeah, and I'm trying to bring it up everywhere I can. But that's, is that the only negative review you've ever gotten? You're saying that like you would expect them all to, no, come on, that can't be the only. How you've ever gotten? You're saying that? Like, you expect them all to...

No, come on, that can't be the only... How many times are you reviewed? But that's what I mean. Not often. Like, it's not a thing that gets reviewed ever in Canada, stand-up. Yeah. And so, like, you know, like, if you've been reviewed twice, three times in your career, if one of them's bad, you're like, ooh, 30% of my reviews.

Yeah, I don't I think that was I think a couple times there used to be a comedy reviewer that was quite she had a blog and I think she was

originally in Vancouver then moved to Calgary so yeah a few times but this was the one that hurt bad and was more

still hurts this day more real yeah I talk about it everywhere I go people at bus stops wherever sure I'll just bring it up yeah well why not Still hurts this day. More real. More real. Yeah. I talk about it everywhere I go. People at bus stops, wherever. Sure.

I'll just bring it up. Yeah. Well, why not? You gotta get the word out. Dave's looking at me like, hey. You guys want to move on to overheards? Oh, yeah, sure. Overheard.

Overheards. Things that when you're walking around, maybe not when you're driving around, because you'll probably just hear the radio or the hum of your own brain. Or maybe you made a mixtape. Sure. Oh, yeah. Of some people talking in a cafeteria.

Now, Graham, before we move on to Moverherds. Moverherds. These are the mustache overheard. It's time for my favorite segment on the show. A segment we did last week, and we'll try it again. Won't be as good. A segment called Fanta Tweets. It's a Fanta Tweet.

Fanta Tweets. Fanta Tweets. Fanta Tweets is a... I'm following the Fanta Corporation. They make a fruited beverage, which we learned afterwards was something... It's like Nazi related. Yeah, it was because... They couldn't get Coca-Cola during World War II.

Yeah, so they made Fanta. I heard this very recently. Yeah. But their Twitter account is not so good. And their Twitter account is at FantaFun. And almost all of their tweets end with a hashtag. And so the way it works is I name the hashtag. You have to guess what Fanta is tweeting.

Oh, man. Fine, right? But, Dave, before you do that, because it's time for my favorite segment hulk hogan news it's a hulk hogan news it's a hulk hogan news now nobody sent in a uh uh remix this week and if you want to send in a remix of the hulk hogan news theme that's your prerogative yeah you can do that send it into stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com now there was a lot of hulk hogan news this week he hulk hogan tweeted a picture of his daughter's leg. Chris, do you know who Hulk Hogan is?

That's Randy Savage's brother? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They used to run an accounting firm together. Hogan and Savage. The brothers from other mothers. So, you know, and then people said that it was weird that he posted a picture of his daughter's legs on Twitter. From what angle? From underneath.

On an escalator. Was it far away? Was she wearing pants? No, she was wearing a skirt. But it was just like, it was not salacious. Prosthetic legs? Yeah, yeah. You have one of those, right?

They're not prosthetic. They're bionic. So, like, she's stronger, faster, better. You have one of those, right? They're not prosthetic. They're bionic. So, like, she's stronger, faster, better. We can rebuild her. Yeah. But, you know, that was news that got passed around a lot. This is more important news. Oh, this is insider info.

This is the inside track. You're like E.T.'s insider. Yeah, from the movie E.T. Yeah, and the movie The Insider. Both of which starred Russell Crowe. That's true. That's very interesting. VH1 recently interviewed Sylvester Stallone.

Stalloner. Who was promoting his new movie, Bullet to the Head. Bullet to the Head. What did I say? Bullet to the Head. Bullet to the Head. Mullet to the Head. Bullet to the Head, the sequel to Lincoln, right?

Oh, guys. to the head pull it to the head the sequel to lincoln right uh guys during the interviews stallone revealed that the hardest he has ever been hit was by hulk hogan during the filming of rocky 3 because hulk hogan apparently didn't know that you were supposed to pull punches despite being a pro wrestler oh i thought in movies you did it for real. Anyways, he threw... We took four or five people to the hospital with broken collarbones. Why was he punching everybody in the collarbones? Just smashing collarbones. Acting.

Because... I'm acting. I'm acting. We're on set. This is for real. I'm Santa with muscles. Acting brother. All those kids got broken collars.

Yeah, to prepare for that role, he beat up a bunch of elves. So there you go. That's your Hulk Hogan news. Beat the shit out of Sylvester Stallone. Hogan for the holidays. That could be the re-smashing elves' collarbones. Yeah. Or Santa with muscles.

The movie that he made. That was it. He was actually. Well, we could go with that, I guess. The real one. Can I do an impression of Hulk Hogan's daughter's legs? Okay. Yeah.

Okay. Harder, better, faster, stronger. That's actually my real voice. That's pretty good. No, that's the big reveal, is that you have an auto-t real voice. Oh, that's pretty good. Oh, that's the big reveal, is that you're auto, you have an auto-tuned voice. They've used a robot voice. When people meet me after shows. That's the only way I talk.

Thanks for coming to the show. People are just mad and confused. I don't get it. Alright, now it is time for, uh, it is time for F it is time for fanta tweets remember fanta drink corporation terrible at tweeting everything's got a hashtag nothing makes sense uh this one is from the 18th of march of 2012 um hashtag see what we did there we made a drink that you could buy in Nazi Germany

okay I think that's where they put orange pop and root beer together and made swamp water root pop yeah the correct tweet was rhythm is a dancer Fanta is a drink.

Jesus. Oh my God, I can't believe I almost said that. Don't second guess yourself. That's important. I should have gone with the initial thought. Hashtag in the mix. Oh. Remember, this is Fanta.

I got this one. That's the one where they take root beer and they mix it with orange and they put a bottle that is swamp root beer bottle. Swamp. Graham? In the mix. In the mix. Hashtag in the mix.

Hashtag in the mix. One word. I don't, I don't. Pass, pass. Okay. The correct answer is music videos or people follow. I don't get it. It hurts my brain.

I don't know what these mean. It doesn't make any sense. Hashtag make it happen. Oh, wow me. Wow me. Hashtag make it happen. That's where they're thinking of a new product where they take root beer and they mix it with orange pop and they call it like Swamp Popper. Swamp Popper.

John Popper's Swamp Popper. Oh, wow. I'd drink that. Drink it through a mouth harper. The correct tweet was, friend zoned, make it happen. No, wait. No, sorry. Friend zoned, try a Fzoned Make it happen No wait no sorry Friendzoned Try a Fanta Make it happen

Oh yeah absolutely If you've been friendzoned Get her a pop Get her a pop Yeah Hashtag Fanta questions Can you stop tweeting? Or who tweets this shit?

Hashtag Fanta questions Yeah It's probably from Where the Once you know Or who tweets this shit? The hashtag is FantaQuestions? Yeah. It's probably from where the... You know, someone who drinks Fanta probably tweeted at them, you should try a new type of pop. That's a good question. Can you try a new type of pop where you take two of your classics, say, I don't know, root beer and orange Fanta pop and make some sort of swamp pop water.

Sorry, the correct answer was, would you rather shower in Fanta or swim in it? Gross. That's the best. I would say swim because at least then you could take a non-Fanta shower after, right? Like if you just showered in Fanta, you'd just be like, yeah, you're right. It is. Swim is better.

Yeah. Growing up, um, a quite chubby fat kid. Uh, one of my dreams was to have a water fountain at school that only dispersed pop. That would have been a good idea. I've had diabetes for a long time.

Do you still enjoy pop? No, I don't really. I mean, sometimes, but, uh, yeah, it's not so much. I loved it as a kid. We never, like, my family, like, I would go to my friend's houses and there

were, I remember my friend Brian, they would buy Twizzlers in bulk. And I'm like, how do you just not eat Twizzlers all day long? They're like, we're running a movie theater, Dave. And they would eat, they would have pop. And, like, we never had pop at theater, Dave. And they would have pop. And we never had pop at my house because we would just drink it all the time.

Yeah. I love kids, like, what you want as a kid, like things you think are the best. Like, I remember thinking as a kid how awesome it would be to have, like, a pop machine in my house, right? Isn't that the weirdest kind of dumbest thing? Yeah you still gotta pay for your own pop i when you said pop machine i meant i thought like a soda fountain but yeah your pop machine no that was like where you buy pop yeah all right yeah all right here's your final fanta tweet here we go of 2013 hashtag get it oh um uh do you want to let chris do his dumb thing first how do you know it's okay oh i got it uh fanta of the opera get it funny um it's probably where you have the uh somebody's not sure like you they drank they're like what is

this pop i don't get it and then they're like oh what i did was i mixed the classic fanta orange with fanta root beer and i gave you swamp fanta water swamp and he trails away also like a fade away jumper yeah um oh wow yeah fanta water fountain water fountain he was right they Fadeaway Jumper. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Fanta Water. Fountain. Water Fountain. He was right. Fanta Water. They managed to fit that all into 140 characters.

Let me tell you, Graham's was very close. Oh, really? Graham tweeted, Fanta of the Opera? Fanta of the Opera. Get it? Yeah. They just tweeted, Fantum. Get it? Oh, my my god that's really close so what you're saying is i'm this close to be able to work for fentechor yours was way better there's they didn't

even go to the opera they just said fant um fant um get it but if you think about it mine was like pretty close too yeah well yours was better than anything ever i think i have a chance working for them because every tweet would be pretty awesome right and they are consistent that's the one consistent hashtags it's always the same hashtag or can i switch it up no of course i just said give you 10 different hashtags oh okay i thought they were just the same hashtag no the same hashtag because you're wired on swamp water Yeah no hashtag has never been swamp water That would be your tag Wired on swamp water

Some people call that suicide Wired on swamp water No when you mix all the drinks together Oh really I've never heard that It's based on the song Suicide is Painless It's like drinking pop it's painless Well in every scene of the MASH TV show.

The MASH TV show. Or MASH as it was known. They drank every flavor of. Now it's time for overheard. And we like to always start with the guest. And that's you, Mr. Chris Gordon. Would you lead us? Sure.

One time I overheard. Oh myard god this is about swamp water it better not be no we've moved on it's a great time i was uh in the i know guys one time i was with a bunch of my friends and we were we were walking on the uh railroad tracks and then uh in the woods we found a dead kid and just fuck off okay that made that stand by me uh-huh okay go on i just want i wish i overheard all i did was quote movies like i thought okay i'll give you i'll give you a real one i got something i'm working on, it's something I'm working on. What's that? I got a leech on my penis.

Oh, you were there. You remember that overheard. Yeah, I'm Leech Penis. That's how I got the nickname Leech Penis. That's not how everyone else thinks I got the nickname. Yeah. Weird penis would suck blood out of other penises. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do leeches suck leeches? Yeah, sure, if they're desperate enough. There's nothing else to suck. It's the wild. Gotta suck something. Okay. Okay, what was my overheard? Here we go.

Okay, here we go. They were like 70-year-old ladies, like white-haired grandma ladies. And they were at the grocery store, and I was rushed for time, uh, trying to get, and I just heard one of them say to the other, so like you're doing your kegels or, or kegels is it? And then they laughed and then they had a conversation.

And I was so rushed. I looked over and I was like, I don't have time. And then I just kept going. Cause I was like, this is the weirdest thing ever. But I had to just go. I think that you probably made the right exit.

I think probably. Yeah, you want to leave on a high note. Very strange. What? Well, first of all. Have you guys been doing your gigs? Yeah, everybody can do a Kegel. Men or women.

Absolutely. And I find it strange. Although kind of cute that we live in a... We've gotten to the point now that women of that age know what they are. Sure, absolutely. I mean, you know, they go to the... I think they were meant bagels. Oh, yeah. I think they were confused.

Have you been smearing cream cheese all over your kegels? Has your husband been having sex with bread again? You can see how it gets confusing in their household. Soft and chewy. Yeah, absolutely. I love those sesame kegels. Okay. Dave, overheard?

I like an everything kegel. Oh, man. Right? Yeah, all dressed. Oh, my God. You're all dressed when you do your kegels. Well, I mean... You have all your clothes on.

That's the... You put on a snowsuit, even. Yeah, that's the advantage of a kegel, is you don't need to... Is it kegel? It's whatever you want it to be. Yeah, it's Katherine Heigl, is how it's pronounced. Yeah, it's named after her. Here's my overheard i was in uh i work at the cbc here in vancouver and i was on the floor uh i i mean it's there i think

they're all like cameramen and technicians on the floor that i was on and i was walking down and i was in one of the i was walking past one of the like break rooms that i've never gone into because it's all you know uh stronger men than me you hear a lot of weight lifting going on lots of clanking um i was going to find lotion i think i'm in the wrong place. Sorry. Did you just black out? How much Fanta Pop have you drank today? I wrote down this overheard a few days ago, and I just realized, oh, I haven't read it since.

So I was walking past this break room, and i just heard a guy on the phone uh i don't even know if it's funny um he was talking to someone else and he was saying so i can always say to him remember that tool remember how you're supposed to squeeze it like a little turtle whatever did he say whatever at the end? Yeah. What tool do you squeeze like a little turtle? I can't even think. I can't even guesstimate. Yeah, I can't get any. It's all just a hammer.

I don't know how you're supposed to squeeze a little turtle at all. Oh, yeah. Barely. Yeah, just very lightly, right? Yeah, so to make a head pop out. Oh, so maybe it's one of those things that blows air, like to clean a camera or whatever. Oh, not bad. Just squeeze it like you would squeeze a turtle.

Yeah. To get the turtle sperm. So you can impregnate your other turtle. You've got to build to being able to clean a camera. You start off with a turtle. Turtle sperm to clean your camera. We all know that trick. To clean a camera, first you must ruin it.

Yeah. That's true. You have to understand what is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to do. I can only think, because that's a great guess. That sounds like something, right? Like the pressure of turtle sperm and the air. But you know those little things you push on, like your key change, and then the butt comes out? Oh, yeah.

Or like the snot up the nose? That's the only thing. I'm very bad with tools. But that is also not a tool. I know. I know. That's why I was like, that's all I could think of. I mean, unless the, yeah, it's a tool to get, to create humor.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a tool of mirth. Hey, Graham. Yeah. Do you have an overheard? I do. Thank God. Mine was from a lady chatting on her phone.

And just as she breezed past me, she said to her friend or mother or who knows. And then he told me he's over having a beard so it's been pretty crazy oh wow so it's been pretty crazy yeah like the santa that she hired for christmas party i'm over having a do you remember the last time uh you shaved uh my face uh i was talking to chris oh sorry i know it's been years for you no but i was making a balls do you mean right oh okay guys do you remember are you talking about you're talking about me and the last time i shaved graham's balls or face no when's the last time you shaved i shaved a month ago i have a tiny little beard

say i think it was six months ago. I think it was June. Because I, well, partly I've always wanted a beard. And I think I talked about this last time. I'll just repeat everything I said. But there's film Hell on Wheels in Calgary, the Western. So I've been trying to grow it. Because I've got a couple parts, or auditions, where, and both times, I feel really weird.

Because I have to say something racist. Sure. Because it's a West Indy weird because I have to say something racist. Sure. Have to. In the audition? Have to, this guy. Settle down. Well, I did say it and then she's like, you don't have to scream it, but... No, no, but I went in and I had like maybe a little bit,

but the guy I was against, like I saw him go in for the same part, literally had a western hat like a candy cane curly western mustache and a bull tie and i'm like there is no way i'm getting this part this guy says racist stuff every day with his family so then uh yeah that was since then i i kind of just let it go uh what was the overheard again? Oh, it was about that he's over having a beard. Yeah, do you think he'll ever get over having a beard? Do I think I'll ever get over it?

I know Graham won't. Well, you never know. I think so. He'll surprise you, this guy. I want to, I've told myself, if I lose 10 to 15 more pounds, I can shave my beard. So when you're down to 400? When I'm down to 400 pounds yeah he just can shave one of my beards he alleyed you oh wow base

um you uh what's the future of your beard i don't know i like to play it cool i'm uh i'm fast and loose yeah have you ever put a ribbon in it? Yeah, absolutely. When's the last time you trimmed it? A long time ago. A couple months ago, probably. Okay. But since you've started beard painting, you have trimmed it? A little bit here and there. Are there beard guys in Vancouver? Because in Toronto, there's specific beard trimmers, and I wanted to go to one. Some of my friends are doing it.

It seems like I wouldn't enjoy that process very much. It seems like a waste of money. I have uneven. One side's very... You should do it in a mirror. That's the key. Don't just do a freestyle while driving to your next game. Yeah, while skydiving. I don't know how to live. I don't know what I'm doing.

Pound. Fanta. Fanta times. Skydiving. Pound. Oh, yeah. I still say pound instead of a hashtag because i'm an old man old men's a number sign or archie haircut oh man yeah think about it yeah but think about it oh now in addition to overheards that we have we also expect a lot of our listeners. Yeah. If you want to send them in via email, you can send them in to stoppodcastingyourselfatgmail.com, like these people have.

This first one comes from Paul in Toronto, home of the, yeah, he trims beards. A few days ago, I was watching a guy taking a jaunty drunk stroll down the laneway behind my house he stopped looked up and gave the finger to an airplane you know that's what he was thinking yeah you guys think you're so good up there with your hot coffee and your pretzel in your uncomfortable seats. No, he was only thinking I think he was probably one of the Wright brothers but spelt different.

Paul Wright? Paul was the guy who wrote in. That's right. I'm glad you sighed at my suggestion. Oh, was I like... Because he wishes he was related to the right Wright brother, you know what I mean? Not at all.

So he's mad because he doesn't have the rich fortunes of a Wright brother. He doesn't have the right stuff. Oh, there you go. Good movie. Yep. Let me just turn your mic down. Oh, am I gone? No, yeah yeah you're out yeah

that's the right call at the right time all right yeah well you're back all right all right right uh this overheard this is from uh patrick m uh this overheard happened to me a few years ago one night i was shopping in a borders books uh back when that was the thing i don't know what it's american it's an american book house and two teenage boys walked past me deep in conversation the only part of their conversation i heard was when one said to the other i used to think he was so cool but now he's so self-defecating. He's a real man. Yeah, he's talking about Al Roker. I didn't know that that was...

Well, it's gross. Did you hear about Al Roker? No. He pooped a bit at the White House. In his what? It's gross. I apologize that we're going... I didn't know, but apparently that's a side effect.

He soiled the White House. That's a sound effect. I did the Brown House. Sound effect. It's a side effect of having your gastric bypass. Oh, yeah. What? Really?

Yeah, I didn't know that. Oh, wow. I guess I'm probably not going to get that. Yeah, sound effects. Al Roker sound effect. What is the sound effect of a gastric bypass? When I was a kid, Al Roker was

the coolest. We all idolized Al Roker. And now I'm never going to like him again. I remember one of my friends saying that was the coolest manure I made. And then I was like, um, no, it's maneuver. And then we had an argument and

he thought it was he thought they were switched he thought the manure was oh i thought that he uh okay never mind i when i was like in grade four we used to play street hockey on the school grounds and there was these two bars that made a perfect goal wait are you just talking about a goal yeah yeah yeah like a goal but no no it wasn't an actual goal like it was these two uh oh it was no top yeah they supported a um a staircase and so we played with this thing as the goal and then these kids a year younger than us started stole the place and started playing it and i said i hate that we founded this place and they were like it's found like no everybody knew it was here we founded it like i'm not dumb that means the

thing i'm saying he was like nice manure yeah yeah listen to this sound effect um this last one comes from ben in columbus ohio i know him, as a part of my master's degree, I work for an art gallery. It's free and open to the public. This inevitably brings in some crazies. Since it is an art gallery, it is sometimes hard to distinguish between uppity art lovers and homeless people. I overheard my coworker talking to one of thosedistinguish patrons about signing up for our newsletter. Patron, do I need to sign in? Worker, no, it's free, but you can sign up for our email newsletter.

Patron, what's email? Oh, wow. It's kind of like the iChannel. What is that? That must be like the homeless and maybe prisoners. They must have like a cutoff date of like knowing what things are. I would think that prisoners would be really up on email. Like anything communication wise. Oh, sure.

Prisoners would be like in the, you know, in the know. If you keister in an iPhone, you know, they're doing texts and stuff. This brought up three things for me. Okay. You can have two. Can I have two? Okay, because I can only remember two right now. One is I was in art school.

We had art shows, and you always had the same guy show up and eat all the food. Like, he was not in art, but you recognized that guy at every show, and he'd come. Well, he would look at the art, but he just came for the snacks. That guy's name? Al Roker. That guy's name? Email. Who's that?

The other one that came up was weird not knowing email. In Toronto, after the bars close, there's this crazy, well, maybe I shouldn't call her crazy because she'll stab me. because she'll stab me but uh guys have talked about she has an after hours beer selling business where she goes around like i think she lives on the street but buys beer and you can buy beer after hours with her i'll just keep really explaining but the best part is she yells out like her twitter so she tweets and you can get through to her through twitter to buy beer after hours on the street i think that's... How is she not a millionaire? Yeah.

That's brilliant. That's amazing. She's like the Man in the Moon trailer. I mean, she's insane, but she might also be brilliant. That's what I thought. I was like, that's... Yeah, it's such a smart thing. I wonder how much money she makes.

Lots. How much? A million dollars. Yeah. That's before taxes. Okay. Have you ever seen... After taxes, she only makes

25 have you ever seen those like uh news stories about how a panhandler can just make if they're good they can make more money than you or i could yeah like hundred like three four hundred dollars a day the uh there's a panhandler that works very uh close to the video store and he comes in with change and gets, like, can I have a 20 for this? He does it several times a shift. He'll come in, trade, and change. Really?

Yeah. He's doing great. What? Yeah. So cheers to him and to your lady Twitterer. Yesterday, a guy was like, as I was going into a 7-Eleven, he said, hey, can I get some change on your way out?

And I was like, sorry. I was pretty sorry. And he said, well, can you at least buy me a lighter? What? And I did. Yeah, sure, why not? Well, he hypnotized me. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you want to call us, then go for it. We're not going to stand in your way. Our phone number is 206-339-8328. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guest. I, as an overheard, this is Ryan from Indiana. I was at the park a few weeks ago and my girlfriend's son was playing

and two little girls were sitting on the bench eating popsicles and had sticks. One girl put a stick in her mouth and said, look at me look at me i'm smoking and the girl says no you're not that's not what smoking looks like the first girl responds with yeah it is i know everything about smoking everyone in my family smokes even my sister and she's like six months old yeah well you got to be proud of something. Our family crest has a guy smoking on it. It's got a griffin smoking it. Yeah, it's kind of what we do. It's our whole thing.

Everyone in my family smokes. Yeah, look at my yellow fingers. Aren't they gross? You smoked as a child. Yeah, as a child. As a child general of an army. You used to smoke cigars. Well, when I was a kid, no one in my elementary school smoked.

But I've sometimes heard of like, oh, yeah, I started smoking when I was eight. Or is that just kids who worked in mines? Yeah, that's, yeah. You're mostly thinking of Buster Keaton. That's just like cool kids with leather jackets. When did you start? keaton that's just like cool kids with leather jackets when did you start uh when i was like teenager years 14 or something okay yeah cool yeah really cool i've never smoked a cigarette in my life oh till now yeah white guys really yeah exactly this is the best for he's a

never you know what i got for christmas what? A pack of smokes. Did you really? Yeah. From who? My dad gave them to me. He said, smoke them up, Johnny. Your dad's Bill Cosby. Yeah. That's amazing.

And also the dad from The Breakfast Club. I was trying to remember The Breakfast Club. Yeah. What does he say to him? He says, smoke them up. Smoke them, Johnny. That's not the character's name. Sean Pender. Oh, smoke them, Johnny. Sean Pender. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, smoke them up. Smoke them, Johnny. That's not the character's name. Sean Pender.

Oh, smoke them, Johnny. Sean Pender. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and probable guest. This is Jared in Sacramento with an overseen. Driving by our Trader Joe's, we have a rather large cemetery

that is now sporting a huge banner with the logo of some sort of, I guess, cemetery trade organization on the right-hand corner. But throughout the entire banner is a huge proclamation saying, American Cemetery of the Year. Read about us in Zagat's. That would be great if it had a Yelp logo. I wonder if there's slogans like We Got the Most Dead. Cool cemeteries near me. Yeah.

The deadest. We're the deadest uh you'll be grateful to be dead here and then they play trojan there's a halifax in halifax there's like a very famous graveyard that has uh most of the people who died on the titanic oh yeah it's like beyond yeah leonardo dicaprio billy zane i've never seen that movie yeah you've never seen it nope um you know that's whatever yeah it's fine it is fine that you've never seen i mean you know what do you want from me it's it's one of those things uh you know how have you ever heard how pixar puts like a character from the next movie in a current movie somewhere and you've got to find it same same with titanic there's an avatar there's yeah he's in the dining hall did he not make any movies between them i don't really think so did he i guess not it's like true lies was before that

and then all the terminator things were before that and then he took like a 12 year break because yeah it took a sabbatical but like you when you look in the dining scene there's one like 18 foot blue guy i guess he i thought it was the part where jack was sketching or somebody was sketching the girl yeah draw me like one of your navi girls and then the picture was an avatar yeah he turned it around yeah yeah well both one was in the theater and one was on Blu-ray. Has he done anything since Avatar? No, he said that's all he's doing for the rest of his career. He's not making any more movies except Avatar sequels.

Really? That's it. And also going on like boats, you know, that have sunk. Oh, yeah. Didn't he produce like this? I guess he produced a weird movie about a cave or a ditch or something

the ditch the ditch about these guys spelunking in a ditch yeah he does you know but he's only gonna

direct avatars for now but there's a character somewhere in avatar that reveals what he's actually gonna do next more avatars

um like what are the other ones you can spelunk my ditch anytime happy valentine's day do it avatar also like that could be the name of the secret avatar too to yeah yeah it's still uh avatar still haven't breaking to still avatar loving loving it avatar in a way here's your final I had another slogan

for the cemetery some of us are still alive here's your final overheard hello Dave and Grandma this is Emily from Utah I just woke up from an over-tempt I dreamed that Dave was my maintenance guy,

and he was riding his skateboard with his baby, and me and the baby were drinking the same juice. Okay, goodnight. Whoa! Okay, let's back this up. Did she call me grandma? Yeah. Okay. Is that your final question? Yeah, no more questions? No more questions. No further questions. Let's back this up.

So you were a maintenance guy. I was a maintenance guy with a baby skateboarding. I was skateboarding. The baby wasn't skateboarding. Yeah, but you had a baby. And the baby and she had the same juice. Oh, that means something. That means she thinks she's a car.

Pound. Yeah, yeah. The baby was huffing gas. That was really weird. Yeah. Is that supposed to be an overheard? The Huffing gas i think she that was really weird yeah is that supposed to be an overheard the huffington ghost how about that how about that is a classic absolutely yeah you're gonna get uh visited by three ghosts one of them is your old gas huffing friend huffington ghost and the other two will be uh amalgams of other articles appearing elsewhere

on the internet uh now this brings us to the... Amalgam PI. Nope, nope, nope. Not that one? Amalgam Jamal Warner. There you go. There it is. That brings us to the end of the show.

And now, Chris Gordon. Yes. Would you like to plug some things? Sure. Where can people find you online? Tell us where... You do it. Okay.

Go ahead, plug. Hilariouscomedian.com. Twitter is at LLGordonJ. And then... Yeah? Okay. I think I liked it last time, too. Okay.

And then Mazzuca. I did a commercial for Mazzuca. It's on YouTube. Now, what is Mazzuca? It's a music app. Okay. For artists. And it's like you're walking kind of towards the camera and a bunch of stuff is happening. Yeah. It's a music app for artists. And it's like you're walking

kind of towards the camera and a bunch of stuff is happening. Yeah, it's the crazy things going on. And you say something racist in the audition. No, it's the wrong... I didn't. Yeah. No, it's not racist. Yeah, so check that out. Muzuka's got a quarter million hits right now.

Doing alright. Do people recognize you and say you're from the mazuka you're mazuka joe yeah jason manzoukas um i don't think any of that happens oh that's unfortunate nobody knows really yeah not mostly like comics have been really supportive and liked it and talked about it but i don't i think that's great dave. Off the street. I'm very supportive. Are you supportive? Yeah, absolutely. You're great. I'll be your underwire. Dave, anything to plug? I believe this Thursday at the China Cloud here in Vancouver, there will be a hero show.

Oh, so good. And I will be on that hero show. So come to that. There's probably a Facebook event. What do you want me to do about that? Also, I believe that is during our past guest Kevin Lee's birthday. I believe it is a birthday-themed hero show. And if you haven't been to a hero show before, absolutely.

That's a Vancouver institution. It's a must-see. Yeah. And Dave, you'll be performing something, which is also a must-see. I don't know what it is. It's two for two. Yeah. The hero show, if you don't know, is a... Is's headphone yeah okay good uh mine is fine okay well it's just me okay that was my birthday last week no one cares happy birthday i don't care ever uh

the hero show is uh i don't know it's not stand up it's one person's sketch. Yeah. One person trying to find the truth. Yeah. It's X-Files stuff, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's out there. All right. Why did I say that?

Now, I also have shows to plug. The 18th, February, at the Laugh Gallery at the Havana Theater. And then, the 26th of February, I'm doing a wrestling-themed show at the Little Mountain Gallery. And the name of the show is a Ring-a-Ding-Dong Dandy, which will feature a guest, Ryan Beal, who runs the gallery. And it will be us watching and chatting about old wrestling clips. Wow! Yeah. That's pretty awesome.

It's going to be fun. It's going to be once a month, I hope. But this first one, February 26th. February 26th. What day of the week? That's a Tuesday. Ooh. Ring- going to be once a month, I hope. But this first one, February 26th. February 26th. What day of the week? That's a Tuesday. Ooh. Ring-a-ding-dong-dandy.

Yeah, Tuesday night raw. Yeah. And if you like the show, check out the blog recap that Dave does each and every week at MaximumFun.org. Pictures and videos. Of people doing heroin, people having gas. Dong dandy. Yeah. Knott's Landing, maybe landing maybe sure that was the original

name for a lot knots landing was dong dong dandy yeah he's a real dong dandy and um if you want to get in touch with us stop podcast yourself at gmail.com or 206-339-8328 and uh if you like the show why not leave a uh review on itunes saying hey, I really enjoyed the shit out of that shit. Or on iChannel. Yeah. Yeah, go to iChannel.org. And if you like the show, tell your friends. And thanks for being our guest, Chris.

Thanks for having me, guys. It was fun. Sorry about everything. Yeah, well, you know. Mostly the swamp water. We'll take care of it, of course. Okay. Thanks for listening.

Come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.