Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 261 - Lachlan Patterson

Episode Date: March 18, 2013

Comedian Lachlan Patterson returns to diaper stuff, millionaires, and bowling. Plus, more lessons learned from Flex Magazine.

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And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 261 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is a man with means by no means, King of the Road, Mr. Dave Shumka. Hi. Man of means by no means. Oh, that's right.

Man of means by no means. King of the Road. Roger Miller? If you say so. I don't know why I woke up with that song stuck in my head. That song could only have been popular in a time when someone with the name Roger Miller would be allowed to have a singing career. Well, no, there's still a lot of dubstep guys named Roger, right? Yeah, but they would put like a dollar sign for the G.

And our guest this week is a returning guest, one of our favorite guests and a super funny guy in town in vancouver at the comedy mix thank you and uh you're welcome and uh very funny guy mr lachlan patterson is our guest yeah thank you thanks for having me again guys it's awesome thanks for coming back this is the only social time i really get other than my family oh yeah because you get uh you land in van in Vancouver and then it's all family time the whole time, right? They live in Tawasin, which is far. Yeah, right. So when I go there, it's just like people are like, you come to Vancouver? I'm like, yeah, if you come see me at the show, we can hang out.

But no one ever really comes to the show. Right. No one comes to the show. It's an FG play for empty rooms. How is Tawasin? You go splashdown yeah i don't splashdown that's what they'll always be remembered for yeah dude you from to awesome splashdown yeah that's where their city hall is it's located in a

water slide park yeah um should we get to know us? Let's do. Get to know us. Splash down in Tawasin. Splash down in the sun. Splash down in Tawasin. It's good, clean fun. If it's cloudy in Vancouver, it's usually sunny in Tawasin. Is that the end of it?

That's what they would say, yeah. Maybe not at the end end but at some point oh so it's uh tawasin have more sun and that's why they have a water park in vancouver doesn't i think it's bogus it is interesting that thank vancouver doesn't have a water park yeah i don't know where it would put it with the uh real estate being so high. I don't know how much you would have to pay to visit a water park. You could do one of those combo water park condos. Have you ever been to a hotel that has a water slide?

Yes. I mean, no, but yeah. Yes, I haven't. You have, right? You travel around. You've been to a hotel with a water slide. I've driven by them it's always funny because you see you see on you'll be on the freeway and you'll you'll see this massive hotel wall and just a giant pipe coming out of it it's so great and then going back in

yeah it looks like so much fun that part where you're outside yeah exactly in the slide? That part should be clear. It should be clear plastic. I don't know that I've ever stayed in a hotel with a water slide. Now that I'm going back over my life. How would you not ask for that room? The room with the water slide? Yeah.

I don't think that's how the hotel works. No? You just get people knocking on your door all night? Yeah, just standing there with their towels. Wait, why would they bring the towels to the top of the slide? I don't know how water slides work. You check your towel, and then when you get down to the bottom, the towel valet has it ready for you, right?

Starting to realize maybe Graham's never been on a water slide. Yeah. I've been on a water slide. Right. Yeah, I went on an outdoor, though. Have I been to an indoor one? Yeah. West Edmonton Mall?

I don't think I ever went to one at West Edmonton Mall. Okay. I definitely, there was one when I was growing up that had that same thing where you went outside and then went back in. If they had it clear, it would be a good place to, like, propose to your girlfriend. Like, will you marry me on your chest? You have to go pretty slow. Yeah, and have her make, like, have. Like a big fat guy?

Just dragging down it with no water? And have a friend, a friend make sure my girlfriend is looking at that at that moment. Yeah, yeah. Like hold her head so that it's pointed and you've got to stand out in the parking lot. Because if she looks away and someone else looks up, you have to marry the other person.

Oh, that's true. By the transitive properties of water slides. It's the water slide religion. Every day you're baptized. The water slide that I went on when I was a kid, there was one bit of it that was raised a little bit more than all the rest of it, and so it would

kind of like fillet your skin as you went over it. All the creases. Yeah, the way the tubes are attached. There's got to be a better way. Yeah. Well, you'd think they'd put an epoxy or something to smooth out those edges. Some sort of caulking.

Nada. Some silicone. So you're living at a water slide? Wait, how do we get a water slide? You're visiting Tawasa. Oh, right. And so this is one of those road trips where all the family lives there, so you have to see family the whole time.

And you're an uncle, right? I'm an uncle of four. These microphones are massive, Dave. I can hide behind it. Yeah, that's what it's for. Yeah, so you can be coy. It's like a hiding man with a giant microphone.

That's an analog. It's exactly that. I'm going to go. They have the whole day planned for me tomorrow. What's on deck? Play a lot of it's called, I think it's Cops and Robbers. Okay.

It's like an urban Cowboys and Indians. You would think so. But kids just make up the rules. Oh, that's true. So what he does, my nephew, he takes a piece of paper and he writes a dollar amount on it. And he just runs around with this piece of paper. And I try to pry it out of his hands while he's screaming. And there's a point when you actually are starting to get it out of his hand. And he starts crying.

So that's the game? Yeah. And then you have to – so he can – Is he the cop or the robber in this scenario? He's a robber. But he's also just – like sometimes he'll just put his finger over his upper lip and pretend he's just a regular guy. Oh, like a mustache? Yeah, like a mustache.

How old is he? He's like seven. Okay. I think he's seven now, but he was like five last time, six last time I saw him. Like a year ago. Like a year ago. And he just walks around with his finger under his nose. And you don't recognize him.

And I don't recognize him. Ridiculous, sir. And I ask him questions like, have you seen a robber around here? Kind of looks like you. And he doesn't speak. He goes, mm-mm. Yeah, because his voice will give it away. Exactly.

And then he goes and he comes back in the room without his finger and he yells, I'm the robber. And he starts screaming. and i have to get him he's getting stronger man i sound like an old man he's getting stronger yeah seven year old um when how much time do you think actual cops spend chasing robbers they're like it's like a one percent of their act yeah if you ever get robbed and you've spoken to a cop, they'll probably tell you, oh yeah, you're not getting that stuff back. We should work on some other scenarios, right? Yeah. Maybe a drug bust or something like that.

Sure. He writes a type of drug on a piece of paper and you have to get it out of hand. He's just cutting up flour in the kitchen. Have you seen a drug dealer? Start flushing the toilet and I'm going to walk in the bathroom. He's just flushing reams of paper down the toilet. Cocaine, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine. Just keep yelling cocaine.

And he just puts his finger on his mouth. Oh, never mind. Oh, yeah. Sorry, citizen. Cops and drug dealers. And just do like, obviously, What do cops do all day? Oh, you know, maintain the peace.

Sure. Show presents. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cops for kids. Cops for kids, absolutely. Yeah, exchange guns for toys. Other way around. Toys for guns.

Toys for guns. It's a whole cycle. Oh, you brought a toy. Here you go. I have a gun. Oh, and now you want the toy back. Yeah. Yeah, my toys that I'm giving the kids are getting recycled into gun exchange.

Yeah. That is a – playing a game with a kid, you're right. They do change the rules to suit them winning the game. And you have to just kind of go along with that, right? Because you're not their parent and you don't have to explain to them how rules work. Who are you going to complain to? Yeah, as if the parents are going to be like – Can you talk to your son? Yeah.

He seems to think that when I put him in jail, this door can just get open. Yeah. And he needs to know that when I put him in jail, he has to stay there. So maybe you could explain to him before I come up for Christmas this year. Yeah. And the dog is the DA. He's not having any deals. He's not putting any deals on the table.

And then every once in a while, the kids will just start crying and screaming. And it's just over. And then the mom, my sister comes in and just starts yelling at the kids. The mom. And then I'm like, all right, I'm going to go watch some TV. I was babysitting my nieces a couple of weeks ago. And actually, as a matter of fact, we're on baby watch right now. What does that mean?

That means my sister is having a third baby. It's like Baywatch, but less. It's boring. Yeah. It's like Baywatch, only it's terrible. It's due next week or this coming week. That's a long watch. My parents are out of town and my sister's out of town.

So if she goes into labor, we're third on the list. We're now first on the list to take care of the current babies while she goes to deliver the other ones. Ah, okay. But anyway. That's what baby watches. Yeah, yeah. I was wondering. Yeah, because, you know yeah i was thinking like

i thought she was on like some sort of camera oh yeah because he picked up his phone right as he said that i'm on baby watch yeah if i was a oh like like it's a thing where babies are watching dave yeah i'm on baby i'm on baby watch this is the new social network for babies and grown men we just watch each other it's just a playground we learn from grown men just watch each other just a playground we learn from each other send each other six second video snapchat I was playing hide-and-seek with these two my two nieces and they count to whatever number they choose yeah and then as soon as they're done counting, they look for two seconds and then say, okay, make a noise. You at least get to hide.

You get to hide, but then they get bored of looking for you and say, okay, make a noise so I can just follow the noise. That's pathetic. They are not getting it. They're not getting the fun of hiding and seeking. They are not getting it. They're not getting the fun of hiding and seeking. Yeah, the worst is when they hide and you can already tell. You're still counting and you're like, I know where they are.

Your eyes are closed and you know where they are. They're in the exact same place they hid last time. And giggling. Yeah, they're giggling. The sheet's moving. The curtain. Of course you're behind the curtain, you idiot. You dumb kid. I hid in plain sight last time.

They sleep in the same bedroom. They have two beds. I lay down right between the two beds, not with anything covering me. They literally walked right past me. Make a noise, Dave. I'm right behind you. You're looking at me. This sucks. How's that for a noise, Dave. I'm right behind you. You're looking at me. This sucks.

How's that for a noise? Yeah. I had a situation. My sister tried to potty train them, like, naturally or something. Like, no diapers. Go in the yard. Go in the yard. Bring your shovel.

Yeah. Here's a litter box. They're just shitting everywhere. Sorry. Don't apologize to us. It was really stressful for me because the dog was also shitting everywhere.

You're like, I only have this one piece of luggage. My girlfriend was there and she's just like, this is disgusting. She's shitting everywhere. She just starts shitting. And so I'm downstairs with them one day and they're building a fort. We're building a fort, right? Yeah. Out of blankets.

And they actually have this tube that my parents their parents bought them it's like a you know like those nylon tubes yeah yeah yeah that you client like you crawl through exactly yeah so they got this whole so we used everything we used all sorts of stuff the forts and then before they got in they started getting in and i'm like first of all there's some rules there's some rules no fighting yeah and no peeing right yeah and griffin goes my nephew goes and no pooing and i go yes of course of course no pooing jesus i have to say that one yeah and right as i said he goes molly pooed and i'm like no she didn't she goes yes i did i just lot i ripped up the the whole fort i just lifted the foot and there's just shit

all over and she's running she's running away and she's running all over the couch and it's one of those white ikea couches what there's just it. Why would you have that couch if you're doing a, if you're training your ass, though? Yeah, exactly. You should just put burlap over everything. Yeah. That was the worst. Burlap? Yeah, because that's something that.

Oh, yeah, plastic. One of the girls took her diaper, and I'm not a parent, so this might be just normal. She shit in her diaper, and she took it off herself and turned it upside down on the kitchen floor and just started painting the kitchen floor like she was waxing a car. Oh, kids are so disgusting. That is confusing because you do want to wax a car with a diaper. Yeah, that's true. Like Cameron's dad from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I think it was a prodigy kid.

Oh, maybe. Wipe on, wipe on. Wow. Wow. Wow. So, yeah, I'm going to be doing that tomorrow. Well, I'm happy for it. Have they all successfully?

Yes. They're all grown up now, and so I'm sure I'm going to go out and buy them gifts, and they're going to be totally the wrong gift now. Oh, sure. That's when you know you're not paying. Lego is good at any age. Is it? Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, Lego is a safe bet. What else? That's it. Unless the parents are weird, like, oh, we're anti-Lego. Yeah, we don't believe in squares. We only give them round things. I would be anti-Lego because I just don't believe in having literally sharp objects on the floor. So when you're not hanging out with these ankle biters, these ragamuffins, what's happening? What's new?

I try surfing. I surf a lot. How's happening? What's new? I try surfing. I surf a lot. How's that? It's good exercise. Good for your core. It's good for your – you know what the worst part about surfing is? The better you get at it, the less exercise it is, right? Because you've figured out how to paddle less.

Oh. When you first start, you're like, every single wave I could probably catch. And then as you get a few years in your belt, you're like, that one's not going to work. That one doesn't work. That's why when you see good surfers, they're just sitting out there for days, not catching anything. Right. They just know the perfect wave.

And so they just sit out there all day. And then when you do actually catch a wave and you're good, you only have to. You're sitting on top of the world. Yeah. You are sitting on. But aren't there like, aren't all the good surfers competing for that wave?

Or do you. Yeah. So you always, there's so many levels of it. But when you first start, you're definitely like in great shape. And then. And then.

And then you just, if you see like, sometimes you'll see just the most out of shape surfer and it will just be fantastic. And you'll be like, eh, it's a gift. He's out there eating fondue off of a surfer. Reading a paper. So I do that. What are surf people like? Assholes.

Oh, really? Oh, they're the worst people in the world. Because they're depicted always as very laid back and in tune with nature. Laid back people are the worst. That's the people I'm talking about. They're not aggressive enough. They're just way too into dolphins. No.

No, like you'll be – people will be yelling at each other. People call you out and yell at you and stuff. There's fights out there. Fights out in the water? Yeah. What? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Like people pushing people off of their boards and stuff? Yeah. What will happen is there's like this – Oh, man, that's funny. There's this code where you're not supposed to go in front of somebody. But that happens sometimes. No budgers.

No budgers. Yeah. It's called dropping in. Oh, okay. Girls, my girlfriend drops it on everybody. She didn't give a shit. And nobody gets mad at her. But every once in a while, they'll go in, and you'll be on the outside, and you'll see them ride the wave, and then they'll touch.

They'll just touch. Right. And it's just like Point Break where the guy's in the shallows. Yeah. Stay out my way, Bodhi. Yeah. And then he pulls out the knife and cuts his leash. I don't think that part happens.

But you don't know. Could be. You've got to surf with a knife. I've always wanted to bring a knife surfing. That would be funny. There's no reason not to, especially with all the leg braces for knives. Yeah, that would be really cool I would love one of those leg nice yeah yeah yeah I think it will yeah yeah

or a bicep knife you could have instead of getting gifts for the kids get a gift for yourself yeah yeah go to the go to that sword store on can be street yeah all the swords and knives you have like a leg knife? The guy's like, left or right? Let me measure you up, sir. Please place your leg into our Braniff leg measuring device. Knife stores. Branick?

What's the foot measuring device? I don't know. So you're surfing. You're the greatest surfer. I am. I don't know. So you're surfing. You're the greatest surfer. I am. I'm very talented. Have you seen Back to the Beach with Frankie and Annette

and Pee Wee Herman? What was the name of the big wave? Humonga Cowabunga from Down Under. Oh, right. Have you ever surfed that wave? I've seen it.

I haven't been on it yet. We all stand around and watch one guy take it. Yeah, because that seems to happen a lot in a surfing movie where they just let one dude handle,

what was the one with Gerard Butler that just came out? Chasing 300s. Yeah, chasing men. Three and a half men, did you say? dude handle. What was the one with Gerard Butler that just came out? 300. Three and a half men, did you say? 300. He kicks the wave into the pit. Welcome to Spiderman.

Was he not also in the arm cutoff surfing movie? What was that one? I heard that one was a little bit... I think Helen Hunt was in that one. Okay, I forget who the dad was. You might have been Tim McGraw or something.

Gerard Butler and Helen Hunt. Who was on Mad About You? Gerard Butler. No, it was Helen Hunt. Oh, what? Okay, well, I loved him in the session. Yeah, I forget where we were going. Even the sessions. Yeah, I forget where we were going. Well, just like a lot of times in movies, there will be one surfer that takes on a giant wave and everybody else stands on the beach and cheers. I think when it comes to like massive waves, I think that in real life they might do the one at a time thing.

Oh, really? Yeah. Like in Mavericks, they might actually be like, all right, if we all go, we're going to die. Yeah, like we are going to accidentally kill each other. Yeah, because once you get going at that speed, if someone else is in front of you, you're out of control. You can't really turn your board very much.

Who's like the best surfer in the world? I don't know anything about the world of surfing. I think from Baywatch, I think Kelly Sl Who's like the best surfer in the world? I don't know anything about the world of surfing. I think from Baywatch I think Kelly Slater might be the I don't know who the best is but he wins a lot of competitions. But he was the best like 15 years ago, wasn't he? He's still the best. Isn't that crazy?

So he's like the Tony Hawk of Totally. Wow. Is Tony Hawk still the best? No. I don't know. Who's better than Tony Hawk? I don't know. Bab Margarita. Can we just talk about anything else that we know something about? No. No, no, no.

I mean, because I don't know anything about anything. Who's the best at water slides? Helen Hunt. Oh, speaking of celebrities doing water things. Paul Reiser peed on me. There's a show that's coming. Celebrity diving?

Yeah, celebrity diving. Have you seen any of the clips? Who's in it? There's Louis Anderson. That's the whole show. Louis Anderson diving. If Gary Busey, I think, would be a good one. You should just get people who are going to hurt themselves.

He refuses to take off his khaki pants or whatever the whole time. And there's just change in the pool and all sorts of stuff falling out of his pockets. They have to drag the pool every time he dives. God, it's hot. It's hot in there. There's a harmonica on the bottom of the pool. We've got to go get it. That's right. there's a harmonica on the bottom of the pool we gotta go get it that's right

he's a harmonica guy oh yeah he's just got pockets full of them yeah he's uh oh yeah

John Popper is gonna be diving oh yeah I would like to see him dive in that vest um but yeah anyways

so uh it's not like uh diving's not a thing you should be able to know how to do like it's or something that's entertaining enough to be on TV more than once every four years. Yeah, that's true.

Like in the Olympics. I can't dive past higher than the ledge. I don't think I can dive at all. Like I kind of always just spaz out and kind of either belly flop or go in feet first. It's a brave thing to go head first. Yeah. It's not for me, man. I think it's not for me either.

Yeah. I'll jump off of like huge lengths, heights I used to do as a kid, but I would never dive. Yeah, and I'd always get super freaked out for people like who did because I was like, well, if there's a rock down there right like i'm gonna break my leg yeah but you're gonna lose your whole face yeah right uh and i'd rather just have one good leg and an awesome face well then two good legs and nothing the leg cast is a great cast so it's people want to know your story. But the neck brace.

That's true. Nobody's signing a neck brace. Nobody does sign a neck brace. That's a good call. And if you have one of those things where it's like the four posts and the screws and all that. You're a freak. Get ready for people to avoid eye contact. Yeah, like... Which isn't hard to do. They just stand next to you.

Exactly. And I'm out. Yeah, I know now i'm out of your eye now i'm back hey easy to sneak up on that guy oh man um dave what's going on with you oh not a heck of a lot what um i saw that uh a life of pie movie oh yes i saw that uh because i was worried that I had assumed that it wasn't in theaters anymore because it's on DVD now. Yeah, yeah. Which is usually

those two things don't overlap. But I went on Thursday, which was actually Pi Day. Oh, right. So there's a thing. 3.14. Oh. March 14th.

Oh. Get it? That's really cool. It's pretty cool. They had a big event at the movie theater. Oh. March 14th. Oh. Get it? That's really cool. It's pretty cool. They had a big event at the movie theater. Oh, like the day. Everybody dressed in their different flavor of pie. That's not true.

No. Did they hand out pie at the theater? No. Why can't you buy pie at a movie theater? Oh. I think because. It's a quiet food. Yeah.

Doesn't smell too much. No. The smell that it a quiet food. Yeah. It doesn't smell too much. No, but the smell that it makes is delicious. Right. It's hard to market up 800 percent though. Right. $15 slices of pie. Yeah. Like so much actual labor goes into making a pie whereas a bag of popcorn, you turn your back on it and it appears.

That's true. Yeah, that's true. Okay. So pie in movie theaters, we all agree, is off the table. You know how they give nuts on a plane? It would be great if they gave pie. Yeah. On a plane?

Oh. Imagine just a piece of it. Who wants pie? Yeah. Don't waste it. Just everyone wants it. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Save your breath. I'm going to say everybody, right? Everybody. All right. It would just be a question of who wants whipped cream, who wants Don't waste it. Just everyone wants it. Yeah, save your breath. I'm going to say everybody, right? Everybody. All right. It would just be a question of who wants whipped cream, who wants ice cream. Right. Yeah. What do you want?

Depends on the pie. Depends on the pie, absolutely. Pumpkin whip. Yeah. Pumpkin whip, but I'll eat it with both. Yeah. I'll eat with whipped cream and, do you ever do that? Have whipped cream and ice cream?

Oh, what am I? On pie? What am I, rich? Yeah. What are you, a millionaire? Yeah. Remember when that was a thing? Yeah, what are you, a millionaire?

He has a millionaire. Yeah, it's weird because like I never knew people who were millionaires, but now I know people that like if they sold their house and stuff would have a million dollars. They have a million dollars invested. Yeah, yeah. Isn't that weird? Yeah. Like we all have met somebody that has a million dollars.

Yeah. And he doesn't live in a castle and he doesn't wear suits to work every day. Yeah, and he doesn't have a – He doesn't light cigars with $100 bills. Yeah, he doesn't own an oil derrick. Yeah. Just a guy. I remember when I was –

He doesn't talk like this either. Yeah, exactly. When I was a kid, my dad was in finance, and I asked him if he knew Ted DiBiase, the million-dollar man. The million-dollar man. And he was like, what? Who's that? Could you imagine that wrestler today, the million-dollar man? Because remember, he used to just throw money into the crowd?

Yeah. A millionaire could never throw money. No, yeah, that goes against the crowd? Yeah. A millionaire could never throw money. No, yeah. That goes against the whole principle of being a millionaire. No one got rich throwing money away. Yeah. That's why his speaking seminars that he does are very sparsely attended. Yeah, yeah.

But he – like remember his whole gimmick was that he couldn't win the wrestling belt. So he just made his own belt. Oh, wow. That's very Donald Trump. Yeah, it was called the Million Dollar Belt, and it was all like diamonds. Have we had this conversation? I don't know. You mean in life?

Yes, probably. But yeah, millionaires don't – that's not what they do. They don't dress like – they don't wear tuxedos everywhere. Sequin tuxedos. Yes. That's right. And he had a slave. Didn't he have a slave?

He had a valet. Yeah. But you're right. The overtone was. Yeah, there was a racial overtone. And his name was Virgil. Virgil, yeah. And they eventually had to have a fight.

Oh, sure. Yeah. That was pretty funny. That was living the American dream, fighting your rich boss. Yeah. For his million dollar belt that he made. Oh, really? Oh, sure. Yeah. That was pretty funny. That was living the American dream, fighting your rich boss. Yeah. For his million-dollar belt that he made. Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Was the belt itself worth a million dollars purportedly? Yeah. I mean, retail. I wonder how much that's worth. I went to a thrift store. Sorry to interrupt. And I got you guys some shit. What?

Right. Yeah. You have a bag of stuff for us. I figured I was there. I was trying to find a jacket because I didn't realize it would be so cold, and I didn't find a jacket. But, Dave, I got you. And, again, I guessed your sizes. Okay.

And if you want to switch them, you can totally switch them. What sizes do you think we are? Medium. Yeah. I'm generally a medium medium I'm generally a large because I'm a gut it's a t-shirt it's a t-shirt

and it says it's got three different hand configurations kind of like sign language. The first is a thumb pointing back at yourself and underneath it says me. Yeah.

And then one's a finger pointing out from the shirt and it says you. And the third is, well, it's the shocker. Yeah. Me, you, and the shocker. Me, you, and the shocker, dude.

And that's kind of, and it's in like a Beatles font yeah I figured that was kind of like a day thing I was in my days I was me you in the shock yes to say to girls I used to yeah I used to try all the moves. Yeah. The Dirty Sanchez. The Superman. The Flappy Doodle. Yeah. The Upside Down. The Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Yeah, exactly. The Steve Irwin. What is the Yankee Doodle Dandy? That's the one when... You give her a flute. I give her... I stuck a feather in her hat and call it macaroni.

Something with a feather? Yeah. All right. Oh, wow. Thank you. You're welcome, man. I want you to enjoy Yeah. All right. Oh, wow. Thank you. You're welcome, man. I want you to enjoy it. This actually, for a thrift shop, it seems unworn.

Can you believe it? Yeah. I'm sure it wasn't worn very often. Only to special occasions. Yeah. Church. And then this one I got for you, Graham. Oh, nice.

This is a... Oh, it is a white Nacho Libre shirt. It's just Nacho Libre. This is definitely a shirt. Well, I may as well wear it today. Smells all right. I'll probably wear it to work. That's rule number one of the thrift shop.

Don't wash it first. Thanks, Lachlan. I've definitely been called out on not washing my thrift shop shirt and just wearing it on stage. Well, you're a fan of like, you go to thrift shop. You buy jackets and things like that, right? Yeah. Wearing it on a stage. Well, you're a fan of like, you go to thrift shops. You go, yeah. You buy jackets and things like that, right? Yeah. Pop tags.

Yeah, you were doing this way before Macklemore. I was. We all were. I think we went to Valiant Village once together on a ride. Yes. When we were in, where were we? We definitely, I think, Victoria maybe? Yeah.

That feels right. Yeah, probably. Did you find a jacket? No. Jackets are a tough one maybe? Yeah. That feels right. Yeah, probably. Did you find a jacket? No. Jackets are a tough one there. Yeah. T-shirts are easy, shorts, jeans, but jackets. Coffee cups, tons of coffee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Coffee cup from a charity event. Yeah, that's true. There's always a bin of cords, of like electrical cords. Yeah. I don't know who's digging through that thing, thinking they're going to find it. There's always one guy. He's usually about, say, like 45 or 50.

He's maybe making his own supercomputer slash time machine. He's the guy he's picking out because he'll like find, you know, he'll find a drill. the guy he's picking out because he'll like find uh you know he'll find a drill yeah and uh and and he'll also have searched through all the computer batteries and has found the exact battery he needs yeah and that guy's always there and uh have you not friendly do not approach bought shoes from a thrift store i have and how has that gone in your mind? Yeah, I bought a really, really nice pair of shoes that couldn't have been worn more than once or twice just because the soles on them. The leather was dull.

Check the soles. Yeah. I think maybe these were shoes that may have been bought for a wedding, and then the person was like, I don't wear these type of shoes, and just donated them. Some people donate shit right away, I think. Like, just as soon as you're done with it them. So some people donate shit right, right away. I think like just as soon as you're done with it. Yeah.

Some people just are like, eh, like their style. They just need to keep updating their style. Right? Yeah. The trophies always crack me up, but there's always like a shelf of trophies.

Yeah. Just, I have no, I mean, I get, you get rid of your trophies, but who's like, yeah,

I think this is, I think this is me. I did win this award, and I was robbed. They'll have like fourth place trophies too. Who's buying the fourth place swim meet? If I'm going to get a trophy, I'm going to be a winner. It is funny that they do have so many trophies. I often buy them to give them away as prizes.

I bought one yesterday that the bottom is a regular trophy and then the middle part is a beer can. And then the top has a little statue with a broom but not a curler. So I don't know what it's for. Little League. Broom? Just mention a beer can Little League trophy. Where they don't play with baseball bats, but they play with brooms. Maybe like world's drunkest janitor.

And all it says on it is Kamloops, first place, 82. Oh, wow. That's a good year. If you're from Kamloops, you know. Yeah, you would. Everyone in town knows what that is. But you're right. Who does, aside from for comic relief, like I guess you could buy them, take the plate off and put a new plate on and re-hand them out.

Just like if you got like kids and you just like, he's not going to win anything. You're like, number one, potty trained. Yeah, give him stuff for chores. The kid's got a whole trophy case for chores. I gave him a trophy just for washing all his trophies. But it's one of those guys who keeps his trophies way past when you're supposed to. When are you supposed to get rid of trophies? Like, what's inappropriate?

I have no idea. I think when you move out of the house. Yeah. But then you just let your parents throw them away. And they never do. But your parents never had trophies? My mom still has one trophy. My dad has trophies, I think.

My dad has trophies, I think. My dad has trophies from hunting, like deer heads, moose heads, alligators. Alligator tails. You don't want an alligator head. Gross. Yeah, so thanks a lot for the shirt. Yeah, so I saw Life of Pi.

Sorry, Dave. It was pretty good. Did you see it in 3D? buddy. It was pretty good. Yeah? Did you see it in 3D? Yeah. Good. Did you eat a cookie? Did I eat a cookie?

Like a drug cookie? Yeah. No. Well, of course it was terrible. It was good. Okay. I wasn't expecting so much boat stuff. Oh, yeah.

It's all on a boat, isn't it? Yeah, I know. Dude, the movie poster is a boat. I know. I'm joking. Graham, what's up with you? Graham totally took you literally. Yeah, I know, I'm joking. Graham, what's up with you? Graham totally took you literally. Yeah, I know. He's like, yeah, that's probably...

I was expecting there to be somewhere that's a tiger boat. Tiger boat's a good teen make. Oh my gosh, tiger boat. Yeah, for those long nights at sea. Yeah. What is up with me? Oh, speaking of Kamloops, I went to Kamloops. Yes.

With Kevin. With Kevin. With Kevin Banner. Yeah. And while we were there, first of all, have you guys been to Kamloops? I have spent a summer in Kamloops. Really? I worked in Kamloops. Doing?

I made ice. What? All right. So anyway, keep going. No. No. No, no, no. Inland Ice Company.

I worked for them. I made ice, but I was terrible at it. Ice for what? To eat? To skate on? Yeah, you know those bags of ice that you buy? Oh, like party ice. Yeah, like party ice.

Wow. Yeah, like midnight. It just starts at 8 and you get off at like 2. And I did that during the week. What's your job? job well first my job was to make ice okay but what like the freezer does most of the hard work yeah so then there's this like funnel that shoots it down and two and then you just bag it and and send it along okay so the ice is made you bag the ice and then yeah but you got to stir to make sure the ice gets down the

chute and then there's a guy who has to stack it on the pallets. So at first I started making the ice, and I fucked that up. Yeah, you're like, Logley, we want to talk to you about your ice. It's a lot more liquid than we prefer. You've been making a lot of fire, which is weird. You've been bagging fire. Hot water bag. It's kind of the opposite've been bagging fire. Hot water bag.

It's kind of the opposite of what we do here. We're getting a lot of complaints about this. People's drinks are hot. And then they moved me to stacking the ice in the pallets. And it's tough to stack. It's ice. It's round. It's slippery.

So the pallets, they'd come in in the morning, and the pallets would just be on the floor. Like all the ice would have fallen off the pallets if you don't stack it perfectly. Right. And penguins are everywhere having a party. Yeah. Having an orgy. And then the third, and so then finally my job was just to recycle ice so a lot of times the ice would just fall in the truck or fall off the back of the truck i guess this was common i don't know

if it's common and they were just leading me on but i would take ice that was used and i would throw it in this machine and it would crush the ice down into a size that I could throw back into the machine for reuse. So this was dirty ice? It was dirty. The ice is dirty, folks. Oh, gross. Yeah.

So like you would take like floor ice and then put it in the crushed ice machine to make crushed ice? Yeah. And which would turn into block ice. And usually block ice you're not eating, but yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe you're not. That would be my big gift on my birthday. My dad would bring home a block of ice.

This is all yours, Graham. You can share it with your brothers if you want, but you don't have to. You take your ice pick out of your leg holster. Kamloops. Kamloops. So driving. Oh, by the way, my Kam cam loop story is one time in 2003 i was driving through cam loops and there was a side a sign next to a mall uh saying that chingy was gonna be there oh my god right there right there um you know this scene in uh no country for old men where uh the javier bardem's character

and josh brolin's character having a shootout on the street in the middle of the night yeah yeah and that like kind of eerie kind of there's nobody on the street kind of feel that is main street kamloops like as soon as we were driving and we're like, oh, this is no country for old men. Like it's these old buildings. Old pickup trucks. Old pickup trucks. And we were staying at the oldest hotel in town that looked just like the hotel Josh Brolin was staying in. Oh, my God.

Which, by the way, that movie takes place 30 years ago. Yeah. And it seemed like an old hotel at the time. And when we were there, it was the festival that was on was called Cowboy Days. So every other guy was dressed like somebody walked right out of the 70s, like rhinestone cowboy kind of cowboys walking around everywhere. So it was very that era. And at breakfast, there was a breakfast buffet at the hotel. There was an old cowboy guy who was like 75 or 80.

And he talked. He was like, oh, last night show he actually talked like that. And I was like, is that a thing that his voice could just naturally be that way or is that an affectation? Can you have that voice and not be a cowboy? It would be difficult. If you're a sex phone operator. I don't know. I was trying to think of a job where you needed a voice.

I think Graham thinks he's in a renaissance there. He's playing the role. Yeah. Oh, maybe. He's just participating. Okay. So did you participate? I didn't have any country western duds with me.

But I sat next to a guy who wouldn't not believe that. You could be a prospector. Yeah. He wouldn't believe that I wasn't in a country band. He was like, what band do you play for? I was like, I don't. I play the jug. And he's like, that's hilarious.

Now what band do you play for? And I was like, I don't. You shitting me? Yeah. Everybody's drinking coffee out of tin cups. We're all sitting around a fire. When you order a whiskey, they bring you the bottle. Yeah.

Oh, dad, leave the bottle. And then you spill a little on the counter and smoke comes up. Burns the counter. You offer them some salsa from New York City. Everyone just loses their shit. So, yeah, I did that. I played a place that also had a bowling alley. So that was like the movie Crazy Heart.

How many shows? Two. So bowling between? One each night. So bowling after. Right. Did some five pin Canadian style. There's a lot of Coen Brothers movies in your experience.

Yeah, there really was. You got, oh yeah, The Big Lebowski. Yeah, you could totally, I think if you wanted to, I would say that if you want to really kind of live kind of a Jeff Bridges slash Coen Brothers fantasy camp, go to Kamloops for a week. And food. Yeah. Wow. Your ice making is kind of like Fargo, it sounds like. Yeah.

Was the bowling audible from where you were performing? No. Okay. But – I heard it was five pin. Five pin. Five pin free for performers. Nice.

Pretty good. Lucky guy. And, yeah, the place that we were playing was called the Dirty Jersey. Oh, sports bar? Nice Pretty good Lucky guy And Yeah The place that we were playing Was called the Dirty Jersey Oh Sports bar

Yep And So Or just a place for filthy cows It's like a hockey player Does he A hockey player own it No but there's hockey jerseys

On the wall If that I've played I've played this one You've played this one? Yeah. There's some correlation with a guy who used to play for the Oilers. Oh, I think I know what place you're talking about.

Yeah, it's a different place. It's a different sports bar with hockey jerseys and camels. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Anyways, I recommend it to anybody. Five-pin bowling is a lot easier than ten-pin because we have a tiny little ball. Yeah, yeah. There's no holes in them.

You just grip the whole thing. And they also have a thing that I think is like – you know in pool they have the thing called the ladies helper? Yeah, the ladies aid. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, the cheat stick. Yeah. They have a cheat ramp for five-pin bowling where it's like – Bumper bowling?

They have a cheat ramp for five-pin bowling where it's like – Bumper bowling? No, you just put the ball on the ramp and then you aim the ramp like so you don't actually have to throw the ball. You just drop it on top of it. Oh, it's so fucking lazy. Yeah, if you can't handle – It is fun. It's fun to get a strike even though you didn't do anything to make it happen. Have you ever done that thing where you're so bored bowling that –

Yes. Have you ever done that thing where you're so bored bowling that you bowl one ball super slowly and then see if you can bowl another ball that gets there before the first ball? Do you ever wait until the actual rack comes down to reset and then whip your ball down? Good punk. I used to do that all the time, man. I remember, yeah, as a kid there was like – I've never not had fun bowling. No, that's true. That's true.

Every time you do it, you're like, this is the greatest, most fun thing. We should do this every weekend. And then you never do it. It's tough to muster up the energy. Like when someone says, let's go bowling, you're like, are you kidding me? But then when you get there, it's awesome. It's awesome. They're playing every song that you love they somehow like whatever song

you like that's what they're playing yeah and uh everybody's having a lot of fun yeah and yeah but then you don't ever do it like we literally unless it was free and we just happen to be playing at a place that have bowling we never would have gone you know yeah it should always be free that's what the business is missing yeah government-sponsored bowling yeah the bowling is free the shoes cost a thousand dollars to rent they get you with the shoes man i never got the shoes i could easily do this in my running shoes yeah but it's not free it's not it's to keep the lanes pristine from your outside dirt. Yeah, but you don't even go in the lane. You stop before it.

Come on, man. Oh, I'm sorry. Dave, you're in the pocket of big bowling. You're out of your element, Donnie. There was a guy at the show who was going on and on about like, he's like, I work here, so I get to bowl for free. But he's like, it's just work here so i get to bowl for free but it's like he's like it's just shoe rental i own my own shoes so it's like i don't you know it's not really a big deal for me and i was like is this are you working on your uh getting laid speech or something this is not great this is not great material it's not bad though for cam loops right yeah i guess

all you can bowl that guy says he's got his own shoes, so I'm going to go home with them. And get them out of those shoes. I'm wearing them right now. I'm wearing them all the time. Yeah, so that's me. I went to the town that the Coen brothers lived. This is a fun episode.

We've gone through a lot of activities from water slides to bowling. Yeah. The great childhood activities. Oh, man. Yeah. Remember, a friend of yours as a kid would have a birthday, and they're like, we're going bowling. It's like, yes. Yeah.

You're the greatest friend to have. It ain't a roller rink. Roller rinks were good, too. Is that a thing? There's a couple around here. Stardust. Nice. Yeah, I remember that's where I learned about Steve Miller.

Steve Miller. Abracadabra. We'll reach out and grab you. Yeah, I haven't been, well, I mean, it would be weird if I went to a roller rink. Much like it would be weird if I went to a roller rink, much like it would be weird if I went to a splash park. I'm sure they have seniors nights. That'd probably be the night you'd want to go. Yeah.

They play the music I get. The seniors, 20 and up. All the video games of the old school games. Oh, yeah. Claw Machine. Yeah, absolutely. Spy Hunter. What. Spy Hunter. What Spy Hunter?

Spy Hunter was a car game. Yeah it was a car racing game but you had an oil slick. You could do the oil slick. And you could

shoot. It wasn't racing you were like. You were just trying to spy. It was not even a spy. Yeah you were

spy hunting. Yeah you were hunting spies. But they were hunting you. Yeah. Well it was hunter being You weren't a very good spy actually. Or they you were hunting spies. But they were hunting you. Yeah. Well, it was hunter-gathering.

You weren't a very good spy, actually. Or they weren't, because it was pretty evident. I'm a spy. I got my own shoes, my own spy shoes. I thought you could tell someone's not a spy when they go, I'm a spy. Not right now. I'm not spying right now. I had a break.

I had a break. I had a situation. I always kind of think you're a man. You're going to be a man when the situation arises. You're the guy who has the abs? Yeah. The guy from the Jersey. When someone breaks in your house while you're asleep, what are you going to do? Beat them with a magazine.

Right. I imagine I would sleep right through it until the point, like, unless he attacked me. Right. That's what I feel would happen. Exactly. So from those two stories, just like me, I realized that we all just think about what happens when we become face-to-face with this person. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But what happened was we never think, and this is what happened, you never really think about the moments before because usually it's a while before you get to that person.

Oh, yeah. That's true. Usually they're not just – usually you're not just standing right in front of them. There's like a minute or two before that. A minute or two? Sure. Were you people running up to them in a giant highlight court? Well, you try to talk to them, right?

Oh, okay. Try to talk your way out of it maybe. We don't think about that. We always think about what if the talking is just over and we're grabbing each other. Where's my knife? You think things like that. Oh, yeah. It's in my leg holster.

Oh, no, it's not. I did go to bed with my leg holster. So my girlfriend wakes up and she's like, there's a crazy man at the front door and he's screaming and yelling. And I could hear him, but she's just like, go back to bed. And then she got up and checked and he was at the front door. Yeah. A big black guy, probably hammered. And so I get up immediately.

I'm ready. Assume the stance. Yeah. Yeah. Put – Assume the stance. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, put on your karate gi. Well, that's what I realized is I didn't know what to wear. Yeah. That's something we don't think about is –

Something loose. Something loose. Something that allows you to – a range of motion, I think. But you're wearing sleeping stuff. Do you put pants on? You're naked. So you got to think from – You're naked sleeping stuff. Do you put pants on? You're naked. So you got to think from naked. You're naked.

Okay. So the first thing you're probably going to grab is what you went left by the side of the bed. But that was skinny khaki jeans for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I put them half on. I was like, this is not intimidating. Where are my camo pants? I mean, these are the things that I remember thinking.

I was just like, what am I going to wear? Yeah, that's a good, hmm. You should have something. Like, you should have your bottom drawer. It should have an outfit that's just for that. So badass. Yeah. Yeah, tearaway clothes.

Tearaways. Yeah, like. No, I would want the bandoliers of bullets across my chest. Yeah, oh, good God. Even if I don't have a gun, I think it's a good look. That's a good look. But if you don't have a gun, you could just put like a lady's rollers in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like the robber's not going to know. It's dark. Yeah. You could get like one of those one-piece work sort of overalls. Oh, yeah. That's good. That's pretty intimidating. Oh, you want to look crazier than the guy.

A bloody overalls. Oh, good call. Overalls covered in fresh blood. Yeah. Hockey mask. Always have. A hockey mask would be good. Yeah.

I think any kind of sporting equipment besides bowling shoes. Oh, but I own my own. Besides bowling shoes. Oh, but I own my own. I think in that scenario, I think I would opt for jumping out of my window and just escaping. Just running? Well, letting the robber do whatever they're going to do in the house. Call 911. Yeah, I'll jump out the window because I'm on the ground floor.

Yeah. Just go. Call 911. Yeah. I'll jump out the window because I'm on the ground floor. Yeah. Just go. Call 911. Hang out. There's an all-night bakery in my neighborhood. I would go there. When you got a woman, I think they expect you to do something. Yeah, yeah. They expect you to do something.

Well, I'd bring her with me. I wouldn't make her stay. I'd break her fall. That would be really – I wonder if that would be awkward for a woman. There's a burglar outside. If you went, all right, let's go this way. Yeah, let's get out of here. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I don't want to be where the burglar is. There's a burglar at the front door. Let's go out the back. Yeah, exactly. What are we doing here? Is he inside? I don't want him to be embarrassed when we come in. Let's get under the bed together.

Oh, yeah. See, that's – well, that could be kind of fun. Hey, while we're down here. Yeah. Let's just watch him steal our shit. Yeah. So what ended up happening? I actually chose, I think I chose jeans and I was going through my, I remember going through my wardrobe.

Your shocker t-shirt? And I'm like, um. The shocker t-shirt. Perfect I'm like, um. The shocker t-shirt. Perfect. You, me, the shocker. I did it wrong. I just did it wrong there. That's cool.

All right. Anyway. So what did you do? I went out. I put on an outfit and I got, I have this extendable police baton thing. Oh, wow. I think you should always go out. You should have a weapon by your bed.

Yeah. When you live in L.A., you should always have a, I don't know about the same for Vancouver, but a baseball bat or something. I used to sleep with a baseball bat next to my bed, but I don't think I have it anymore. These are all, this is a good conversation to be having. You should know the shit.

You should know where to go in a situation. I have a giant, like an empty gallon of milk container. It doesn't hurt when it hits you, but it's really loud. That's good. And there's always one around. Just start drinking milk in front of him. One second. Yeah.

Whoa, that guy's drinking a whole gallon of milk. He must be crazy. He's fucking nuts. And then I went outside and uh and then i i broke the thing i went it makes a nice cool sound yeah yeah but he was so hammered that uh everything i said it took him like 30 seconds to react and i was shaking i'm like look man the cops are coming you don't want to be here and and he had his hand in his pocket, like in his hoodie pocket. Uh-oh.

He wasn't – yeah. So I was really nervous. And I just stood there and I was just – I'm like, it's your move. And he turned around and walked away eventually. But it was scary, man. Wow. Super scary. What was the outfit that you picked again?

Jeans? Jeans and a black T-shirt. Oh, black. That's good. Thank you picked again? Jeans? Jeans and a black t-shirt. Oh, black. That's good. Thank you. Going out there like Louis C.K. I do think that I do have a pair of overalls, though, if I were to do it again. Oh, yeah.

I'd wear overalls and maybe. With one of the straps undone and no shirt underneath. Not overalls. It's those other things. Oh, no. You're thinking of coveralls. Coveralls. Okay.

Coveralls. Because if you went out with overalls, you'd be like, oh, I'm breaking into a farm. Oshkosh bagosh. Homes on homes. Yeah. Come out like Joey from Blossom with just the one. Justin Bieber when he met our prime minister. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. And a conductor hat. Yeah. The key is to throw the guy off base long enough to get the advantage. Am I on a train? It's like a tobacco pipe. We're pretty cute here.

Yeah, and you just come out with a washboard. Get out of the way. Just random, scary. Oh, man. Well, I'm glad you're all right. Thanks, man. We made it. And you know what?

At the end of it, too, the next morning, the whole compound that I live in is complex is women. So I was kind of. Oh, nice. I'm the hero now. Nice. How did you get into this all women's complex? Is it a bosom buddy situation? Yeah, he dresses as a woman every day.

There's like one dude in the whole thing for some reason, and I guess he slept through it. Oh, great. Classic dude. But I woke up in the morning, and every girl was like, oh, my God, I was standing outside the window. You were so brave. They're all bringing cookies over. Where's the cookies? Right?

I don't know. Where are they? Just so you know, women, when a stranger protects you, you owe them some cooking. These are the rules. Yeah. Hey, we didn't write them. We're just trying to enforce them with my retractable bat. I'm getting that knife.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. You deserve it. Like Gerber. Online Gerber makes some diving. I'll go on them dive shops. Gerber, the baby food company? Gerber makes some diving. I'll go one of them dive shops. Gerber, the baby food company? Gerber makes some weapons, dude.

Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that baby grew up. It's the oddest combination since like, there's some odd ones, like Yamaha. That's me. Oh, yeah. Keyboards and motorcycles. Dirt bikes and keyboards.

Yeah. I always think it's weird when you go to a band and it says Yamaha on his piano. Yeah. And then he puts his piano on the back of a motorbike. But he drives a BMX motorbike. Yeah, they should be compatible. Like, you should plug your Yamaha battery. Right?

Like an iPhone's compatible with a Yamaha Mac? Yeah. Yamaha's compatible. Oh, sure, yeah. Oh, guys, do you want to move on to overheard? Please. Oh, sweet. Hi, this is Biz.

And I'm Teresa. And we host a new show about the epic fails and genius moments of being a mom. How do you take care of a baby and still find time to moisturize your tattoos? Join us every week to find out. And remember, you don't have to be a bad mom to be one bad mother. Subscribe for free on iTunes or go to MaximumFun.org. and the panel alumni Rachel Dretsch and Horatio Sanz, performing with other top improvisers from the UCB Theater. For comedy fans, the festival is an incredible opportunity to see some of the best comics working today,

not to mention some of my personal favorites like Maria Bamford. For more information and tickets, visit www.womenincomedyfestival.com. Overheard. Overheards. Things that when you're out in the world with your ears open and your eyes bright. Now, Graham, before we move on to overheards, it's time for my favorite segment on the show. A monthly segment. A segment called Lessons Learned from Flex Magazine.

Let's play the theme song. Here's some lessons learned from Flex Magazine. Let's play the theme song. Here's some lessons learned from Flex Magazine. If you're a flexitron, please don't murder me to answer the future. If people do not know, for Secret Santa this year, Graham got me a 12-month subscription

to Flex Magazine. You're awesome, dude. So I am stuck with this 10 more issues to come it's so big i mean the magazine's big it's for big people it's flexing um and every month i try to come up with something else this is month two now dave before you start into that yeah it's time for my favorite segment hulk hogan news now we have a theme Someone did send in a theme song It's a hair metal version of the Hulk Hogan News theme song Exciting Let's hear it That is a...

Wow! That was submitted by... Let me get my information. Johnny E. Johnny E. From the United Kingdom. If you would like to hear more from that gentleman, head over to soundcloud.com

slash giant-David. Giant-David. That was great. Yeah. That was a real fun ride on the Hulk Hogan News theme song train. Now, here's the news. Okay. I don't know if you guys heard about – there was hackers that broke into a database that stole a bunch of information about a wide range of celebrities.

Oh, including? Including but not limited to Jay-Z, Beyonce, Mel Gibson, Kim Kardashian, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton, Hillary Clinton and Hulk Hogan. Oh, the A-list. That's right. So there was an alert sent out that said they sent warnings to the identified celebrities, including Hogan, to contact their banks immediately and have a fraud alert placed on their accounts. This is all according to TMZ.com that celebrities – nobody's safe. Oh, so that's – nothing has come of it? Nothing yet.

That's Hulk Hogan news. That's Hulk Hogan news, man. The song is much better. Than the news? Yes. Agreed. Typical. Anyways, we wish them all the best.

All the celebrities. Oh, we wish them so much celebrity. We wish the celebrities so much celebrity. That's what they want, right? Yeah, yeah. Well, not Paris Hilton. She likes to keep to herself. She likes to let her music speak for her. What was her song?

Stars Are Blind? Stars Are Blind. Yes. Even though the gods are crazy, even though the stars are blind. Have you ever seen the video? Yeah. It's on a beach. Well, she did prove that anyone can do it.

Yeah. Oh, sure. That's what she set out to do. That's why the music industry destroyed her, because she exposed the secret. She was so inspirational. She proved that anyone could do it, if you believe. Yeah. Performance artist Paris Hilton.

That would be great. I haven't seen much of her lately. She's been, I guess she's like 30. Yeah, she's done. It's over. Okay. Well, it's fine. Yeah, good for her.

Yeah. Didn't she have like hepatitis or something like that? No, she's a virgin. Oh, she's a virgin. Yeah, anyway, so we wish her the best. I'm sure she's on a yacht somewhere. Okay, so it's back to lessons learned from Flex Magazine. I'm sure she's dating a millionaire.

Ooh, wow. A millionaire. Now, last time we did this segment, I mentioned that on every other page, there's an ad for... Can I flip back one page? No, no, no. Oh, because that guy's doing press-ups with the car truck tires. And on every page, there's an ad for a supplement. Yes.

There's not a lot for like an investment company or anything like that. No. The new. No cars. Yeah. No like. Like it's the only thing that like there's not even like tank top ads or. Old Spice.

Not even an Old Spice. Yeah. There's nothing generic. There's nothing like tiny Speedos. Yeah. Or just shampoo. Or you know body oil. I do love, I will say a few more things for the Flex department, is the names of the supplements.

Oh, no, no, no. Well, give me that back. Because that's what this segment is all about. Oh, the different supplements. I have gone through this entire magazine and picked some of the names of the supplements, and I've also made up some names of supplements. Oh, fun! And so you have to guess which of these is real and which of these is a made-up supplement name.

All right. And I want to remind you that last month we discovered that there is a supplement called HemoRage. Yeah. That's right. That is one letter away. From hemorrhage? From HomoRage? From homo-rage. Okay.

All right. Here we go. Okay. We also learned about a guy named Flexotron. Yeah, Flexotron. All right. Torabolic with quick create. Oh, real.

Yeah, that sounds pretty real. That's real. Okay. Testrovax. Real. Yeah, that sounds real. That's real. I thought it was fake, but I said real just because.

Monster Milk. We know this one. It's available at pharmacies. Okay, it's real, yeah. Monster Milk is available at a pharmacy yeah you can get that in la you can get that at like a cvs which is like a shoppers gross um hardcore butt stuff i'm not even trying that's fake i'm that's fake i'd say that's real that's real animal rage main and tail graham's cheating right now yeah oh sorry no i mean i'm sorry

not trying to cheat my apologies main and tail amino craze i don't think craze sounds tough enough uh i'm gonna say it's fake because main and tail is a shampoo for ladies. And horses. Hyper rhino bluster. Rhino sounds like something that they would put in there. Fake. Fake.

Yeah. Anabolic halo. That's fake. That's real. That's real. I'm doing terrible here. here grenade thermo detonator i i think that's fake but i would buy that yeah i want to say that that's real that's real grenade what grenade thermo detonator oh my god grizzly pump i like that one that's gotta be fake it's too good it's fake i want the shirt

i would wear that shirt to the gym yogurt bag that's fake that sounds like it's fake it's pretty good fake though uh volcano spaz that's real yeah it's real because i i am on white flood right now it is real andro fury well that's gotta be real that's real totally gut cut that rhymes so it's gotta be real i say it's fake it's it's real but it's from the back of the magazine where they have all the cheap ads and it's a company that makes like sexual supplements and one of the other ones they make is called Ball Refill. God. Oh, man.

Dr. Hydro Bang's Wiener Compensator. That one's real. Dr. Hydro Bang? Yeah, it's a... Hydro Bang. Yeah, no, that's fake. That's a pump. Donkomatic.

Donkomatic. Is that like thank you in Swedish? No, that's actually one of the first drum machines was called the Donkomatic. Oh, wow. Pumps in a bump. Oh, no, that's MC Hammer song. Yep. That's working out and some cocaine.

Let's see. These are all out of order. Muscle Martini. That sounds real. That does sound real. It is real. For Mal de Wrath. Fake.

Real. That one's fake. Oh. For Mal de Wrath, really? Wrath. Oh. From Mal the Wrath Ram? Really? Wrath. Yeah, it did have wrath. And finally, did I say ripped juice yet?

That's real. There's one called ripped juice for real. There's ripped fuel as well. And finally, ticking time bomb. That's real. That's fake. That's fake. I've fake. That's fake. I've seen Armageddon fuel.

I saw that one before. The whole fuel line is great. Do you ever supplement? I used to take creatine a long time ago. What is that? It's like this. It helps you. Fills your balls?

It helps you. Refills your balls. It refills your balls. It refills your balls. And I took HemoRage to overcome your HomoRage. I would love to get in a fight with my girlfriend. I'm sorry. It's just I've been on HemoRage.

I had too much HemoRage in my coffee this morning. This has been Lessons Learned from Flex Magazine. Now it's time to get back to the deal at hand, which is overheard. Oh, my goodness. Now, we always like to start with the guest. And you said you were like, I don't know if I have one. I was just this isn't I don't this is just maybe it will lead to a conversation. I thought it was interesting. I was in the airport bathroom taking a leak.

And there was a stall next to me. And in the stall, the guy was on his cell phone, which to me is already like, what are you doing? Yeah. You text from there. It was really gross. And then he goes, whatever he was saying, I don't know. But after he was finished, he goes, okay, I'll call you when I get out. Yeah.

So I didn't know what that meant. This person knows you're shitting? or you're getting out of the airport or getting out of a difficult relationship I'll call you when I'm out of the closet I'm just going to wipe and I'll call you back do you care if you hear me flush or not yes or no just hold the phone away from your head.

Or like how much do you need to talk on the phone that you're just like, all right. And does that conversation start with, guess where I'm calling from? What if you were on an important phone call and you were in a – like on one of those public toilets that has the sensor and you like shifted and it just flushed in the middle of a, like then what would you be like? Oh, weird. Was that on your end? I think I just went into a tunnel.

Are you on the toilet? Cause I'm not. I'm calling you from a water slide. Yeah. It's always weird when it flushes on you while you're on it. Like did I, am I invisible for a second? I just,

uh, yeah. Anybody who's making calls or accepting calls. Wait, just wait. Yeah, come on. What are you in such a rush for? Are you on baby watch? I don't think so. Well, if you're on baby watch, that's a different story.

I'll call you when I get out. Yeah, yeah. I'll have the baby call you when it gets out. I'll call you when I get out. Yeah, yeah. I'll have the baby call you when it gets out. I'll call you when it gets out. Dave, do you have an overheard? My overheard is this one. You shouldn't see it much around here, but I see it a lot in the States of people on the back window of their car will have the university, a sticker from the university they went to all across the back. There's a lot of pride in your

alma mater. I don't find that so much here. Maybe if you went to Queens. Oh, right. You see McGill every once in a while. Jerks. Elitists. My dad went to Queens.

You don't see a lot of caribou college yeah but here's what i did see which i'd never seen before and i'm not convinced that this person this person might have been doing this as like the greatest joke ever but on the back of their uh car it said university of phoenix oh wow online yeah nice very nice i wonder if you get, if that's instead of a diploma, in lieu of diploma, you get a bumper sticker that you can print out from your computer. Yeah. They send you a special sticker paper to put in your printer. Yeah, this counts as your diploma. And you put it all across the back window of your Volkswagen Rabbit.

Yeah, and then you take a photo of that, and that's what you hang in your office. Yeah. In your office. That's not something you should be proud of. Yeah, and then you take a photo of that and that's what you hang in your office. Yeah. In your office. That's not something you should be proud of. Yeah, right? I'm thrifty. That's what that says. What does the University of Phoenix offer? Like, is it court reporting? Yeah, like nursing. Oh, nursing. Nursing

seems like a... Seems like a thing you have to do hands-on. Oh, like online you can't learn it? I don't know. do hands-on. Yeah. Oh, like online you can't learn it? I don't know. I meant like nursing a child back to health. Back to health.

Wet nursing. So it's like an hour course. Yeah. Keep him warm. Get him inside. Put a blanket on him. Give him some soup. Congratulations.

You graduated. No, I don't know what it is. I like... Well, I only just know it as an entity. I think you can probably do like accounting. I think they advertise a little bit. They have like CSI. They have like a CSI course.

Have you ever seen that one? Yeah, yeah. That's when you know you're probably not getting into the right business when you're taking a course because you like the TV show. Yeah, and also do you want forensics being run by a couple of people that just like learned about this because they didn't have a job and then they went on the online course? I heard that there was like a phenomenon happening when that show was really popular of people getting into the field and then being so bored by it. When am I going to actually solve the crime? Yeah, where are the cool camera angles?

Where's my gun? Why isn't our office well lit? That's true. They always, it's funny because the CSI guy always does just every job. Yeah, he does interrogation. He's in the lab. He's running out of the helicopter. Yeah, he's doing SWAT.

Some police departments, you know, small towns, they just have one guy doing everything. I think that'd be fun. But it's never a small town. It's always like CSI Vegas. Yeah, exactly. Miami. That's how bad their crime force is. They're like, I need you to not only work in the lab

or a one-stop shop. I need you to get out there and actually work with the police at the beginning of every episode he's putting in the new water bottles end of the episode

he's mopping up it's just the this job is very very intense um you haven't overheard

Graham I haven't overseen I took a speaking of bathroom stalls I took a photo in a bathroom stall of my butt Of my butt.

Of my butt. And it's great. And you can download it at chemorage.org. It's just a bit of graffiti that I found, not funny, but more poignant. It says, Twitter has killed the bathroom wall star. That's kind of true. Yeah, way to go, Buggles. Yeah, right?

Because people who would have been writing on a bathroom wall maybe are now just doing their hilarious pooing tweets. Poo tweets. I would change killed to cleaned. Ah, there you go. It's totally cleaned.

Yeah. But I think it's not going to stop them from killing. So you think... I think the worst to me is the carving in the toilet seat. I don't need that on my butt. Carving in a toilet seat? Yeah, they carve, right?

Aren't you so afraid of germs? Like that you get your hand that... Use that much elbow grease? And they use that Like that you get your hand that. Yeah. Use that much elbow grease. And they use that Slayer font. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know who I think's doing it? Slayer.

Slayer. Slayer. Robert Projito. Definitely got to be an influence. He actually names someone from Slayer. He's now in Metallica. All right. He's the bass player.

I don't know any bass players. Oh, speaking of this thing, speaking of what we spoke about earlier, I believe he was in Slayer. It was in that Metallica documentary. He joined the band. He became their new bass player. And when he joined the band, they gave him a million dollars. Did they really? Yeah.

He became a millionaire? Yeah, he became a millionaire. Overnight millionaire. And he started crying. But they were like, we need this money back. And do you know what he did with it? He just made himself a million-dollar belt, which then he lost at customs. I think they were like, you'll make a lot of money as a member of Metallica, but we want you to get a head start.

Yeah, because we're all super rich. Yeah, and we don't want you being like, can we just go to Taco Bell again? Yeah. Maybe we order from the 99 cent menu, guys. I'm just having a salad. We also have overheard. Oh. Sent in to us by listeners from all over the world.

These are usually better. Yeah. Oh, sure. We have to do these every week. Yeah. But these people, you know, once in a lifetime, some of these are. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. Which is the best place to do this, just if you ever have me on again?

What do you mean? To get an overheard? Yeah. Hanging around children is usually good. Yeah. Transit. Transit's great. Airports.

Yeah. You go through a lot of airports. That's true. Airports are full of them. This one. Any public event. Anywhere people are, like, getting drunk. Oh through a lot of airports. Airports are full of them. Any public event. Anywhere people are like getting drunk. Oh, yeah. Bars.

Bars or like concerts. This one's from John H. I just passed a gas station. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a bright yellow object. It was a yellow sports car, a Camaro. The owner was really proud of his car. He was carefully wiping it down, smiling intensely and trying to make eye contact with everyone around him. I'm guessing so that people would look at him and he would nod back with a look on his face that says, oh, yeah.

Camaro. And then he rotated around to wipe the trunk and I saw that his shirt and jacket were tucked into his underwear. Pretty great. That guy is a perfectionist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How would you not feel that, right? Like a shirt I can see, but a whole jacket, like it'd be like, ooh, breezy. Have you ever done that though?

It kind of feels good. Yeah. Like you feel kind of like cozy? I've done the, you ever put your underwear on and you realize there's a sock in it no there's not a lot of room for socks in my underwear that sock is still in there from last time i wore these it's it's so comfortable you're kind of like i wonder if i can get away with this um uh uh isn't that a, like a really embarrassing thing for women to have your skirt tucked into your pantyhose? Oh, it's hilarious.

I feel like that would be something that would be impossible to miss. Although I guess pantyhose provide a layer of... Skin? Yeah, like you feel one layer less of stuff. Yeah, that was creepy. Me? That was a creepy pantyhose fantasy. Yeah, that was creepy. Me? That was a creepy pantyhose fantasy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Women be pantyhosing. Yeah, they're kind of like snakes. And at the end of the day, it's like they're shedding a skin. They lie down on the bed and they slowly slither out of their pantyhose. Right? Right, guys?

I feel like I've been called out for being creepy. So I'm just not going to talk anymore. Fair enough. Uh, this comes from Angela F. Angela F. Fulton? Fulton? Probably.

No, no. You want to take another? Fesselmore? Fessleton? Fess. Yes, Fessleton. Yep. Angela Fessleton? Fess. Yes, Fessleton. Yep. Angela Fessleton.

I'm at work in an office and I just overheard the ladies in the next couple of cubicles talking about misheard lyrics. One of them said, what was that song my niece used to sing? Oh, yeah. Go, go, Tracy Waterfalls. That's pretty good. Yeah, go,, Go Tracy Waterfalls. That was pretty good. Yeah, Go, Go Tracy Waterfalls. Go, Go Tracy Waterfalls. At least it makes sense.

Yeah, exactly. At least it makes sense. This is about a girl named Tracy Waterfalls. Do you know that song Loser by Beck? And he sings something in Spanish. Soy de Peridredor? Yeah. I always thought it said,

Soy from head to toe. Yeah, well, I mean, you would be, right? Yeah. What a loser. What a loser. You lose all the time. He's got lupus or something. Soy de todo.

What a loser. What a lupus loser. This last overheard comes from Megan in Halifax, where you will be playing at the comedy festival this year. I will be there. This is an overheard courtesy of Halifax Metro Transit. HMT? Yeah. Get on it.

A pack of girls in their early 20s were riding the bus with me last night. They were gossiping about a boy they all knew whom they all agreed was quite attractive girl one he's so cute i want to do stuff to his butt girl two what yeah i want to put my whole head up there oh my god i want to wear him like a hat yeah that's like a thing now yeah absolutely yeah in halifax so me the shocker in that yeah you meet this shocker and you wearing me as a hat oh no there's a mask it sounds i'm glad that uh i'm glad that i'm not a kid anymore because I don't have to worry about my butt looking good enough to wear as a hat. I wonder, is this like, do... Also, these girls don't seem to understand basic physiology.

Yeah. The ass, though, is definitely becoming far more focused than it was when I was a child. Yeah? Like, there's just more... Maybe they were keeping it from you when you were a child. Son, let's not focus on the ass just yet. I was working with... What's her name?

Oh, shoot. This is terrible. Out of Calgary originally. Comedian girl. This is terrible. I hope she's not listening. Anyway, we're in Saskatoon and we go through the lobby and there's a computer in the lobby, and there's like a 12-year-old kid on the computer. Yeah.

And he's got a mouse, and he's doing something. And as we walk up, he takes one look at us and then immediately goes to a screen and like does the old mouse panic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And then we get in the elevator, Allison Smith. Allison Smith. Past guest.

And I said to Allison, that kid was looking at porn. And she goes, no. And I go, yes. He made the face. I've made that face. He was looking at porn. And she's like, oh. And then so we go upstairs.

And the show's half hour before the show. We both go down the elevator together and we come out and we walk past the computer and there's no one on it. So I go, let me just check and see the history. And thinking that I might see like, you know, swimsuit models. Right. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's what I was going to be ready for. When I was 12. Yeah. You thought it was going to be the Sears catalog.

Right, exactly. Maybe Vogue? Yeah, yeah. Yourmomsvogue.com? Vogue.ca? Yourmomsvogue.com? Yourdadsnationalgeographic.org? Exactly.

Encyclopedia Britannica. Africa. And then I click on it. The dictionary entry for boob? Did you really? Well, if I ever had a dictionary. You had to check, right? Absolutely.

Well, just see what was in there. Like in school. I wasn't like getting off to, oh man, check it out. You weren't ripping out the page and shoving it down your pants? Yeah. I love the definition of it. And so what did you see? The website was called, oh, first of all,

the website was called Ass Traffic, which is the greatest word ever. Ass Traffic and Weather Together. On the ones. And it was just a giant, a woman pulling her butt cheeks. What? 12 years old. That's what he's into already.

Good for him. Good for him. We should all be so lucky to know what we're into at 12. Yeah. I'm sorry I'm late, boss. The ass traffic was crazy. Ass traffic was really backed up. Oh, man. I have so much ass traffic was crazy. Ass traffic was really backed up. I have so much

ass traffic right now. Our eye in the sky. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept phone calls. If you want to call us, that number once again is 206-339-8328. That number once again, 206-339-8328. That number once again. 206-339-8328. That number once again.

Call us with any of your ass traffic tips. Hi, Dave and Graham. I haven't overheard for you. I live in Northampton, Massachusetts, which is kind of an alternative community. And one time I was hanging out downtown, and this little preschool-aged girl was really unhappy about something. She was kind of throwing a tantrum. And her mom finally told her she needed to stop and she looked up at her mom and she said, Mom, when I grow up, I'm going to smoke cigarettes and drink pasteurized milk.

She's going to be a crackhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like, yeah, that's how you rebel against a real wheat grass oh yeah totally i mean we're gonna have cable yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah i'm not even gonna read the ingredients on things i'm just gonna buy it yeah that's absolute like people try really hard to to shelter their kids from that kind of stuff, but they're going to react. And not 100% of the time, but. Well, let's, like, wasn't Gwyneth Paltrow, it was like a big thing about her kids being hungry because she's got.

She doesn't feed them. Yeah, because she's got them on the weird diet or whatever. And then, you know, everybody thought this was outrageous. But then this one professor is like, well, people in America just aren't used to seeing a skinny kid. That's how kids just normally look if you just feed them a little bit of food. We're not used to moderation. She's not a monster. Yeah. But people are just like, oh, how dare she but uh yeah that's

fun it's fun to set the bar so low for rebellion that all the kid has to do is just go to the grocery store drink milk yeah really get her mom's goat it's kind of literally yeah Yeah. Goat milk's gross. Yeah, that'd be nice. That'd be a great kid, hey? Yeah. Let's be really crazy tonight and have some pasteurized milk. Non-pasteurized? I don't even know what the difference is. Non-pasteurized is just like straight out the cow.

Yeah. Like it's filtered for, I think, kind of like grass and dirt. And that's about it. And then you just drink it. And then Louis Pasteur came along. Pasteurized everything. Yeah. So pasteurized is just heating it up to kill bacteria.

Were you telling me about growing up in Calgary and there being Mormon kids and they would rebel by like- Drink and pop? Drink and pop on a Friday night. Friday night. If they go and buy like a flat of Coke. Wow. And that was like- That was like drugs. on a Friday night. Friday night if they go and buy like a flat of coke. It was like drugs. It was like drugs because they had barely any sugar

in their system. They would all drink like six cokes a piece. It's funny after you recover from drugs you drink a lot of pop. That's what you do. Well I used to be addicted to creatine. So I know all about it

here's your next phone call i'm having a hemo blast with you guys hello dave hello graham hello and possible guests this is charlie from new jersey i have a pot i haven't overheard for. I was in my mall walking about and nearby was a man wearing a t-shirt with the image and name of Elvis Costello. A guy walks up to him, points his finger at his chest and says, hey buddy, there's only one Elvis. And he walks away. Yeah, Elvis Stoico. That is such a conversation that would have happened 30 years ago

that is just, like, still happening. Yeah, there's only one Elvis. Stop disrespecting the memory of Elvis Presley with your Costello. Yeah, by having his name, by having him be named the same as him. Yeah. You're doing. I mean, that's a made-up name. Elvis?

Elvis Costello. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's no kids being named Elvis anymore, right? There's no kids being named Hitler. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, certainly not first names. Adolf. There's Adolfs, aren't there? I don't know. Yeah, probably not first names. Adolf. There's Adolfs, aren't there?

I don't know. Yeah, probably in Germany. I don't know. They got a whole new, another language over there. Yeah, a whole new language. It's like they got a different word. That would be funny to go up to someone who's famous, another famous Adolf and go, hey, buddy. There's only one Adolf.

Yeah. Respect your elders. Was there another famous Adolf yeah respect your elders was there another famous Adolf I know one of the Marx Brothers real names was I mean Adolf Lundgren oh I bet you he changed his name maybe yeah no his full name was Dolphin Lundgren. He sure did. It's funny. I've seen him. He has beach property in Marina del Rey. Wow. Yeah, he looks at dolphins. Oh, sure. Oh, wow. I bet he wrestles.

Dolph on dolphins. Dolph on dolphins. That's a good show. Yeah. Oh, man. TLC, right? No, it's Tim Conway. Here's your final overheard.

It's Dorf on Dolph on Dolphins. Hey, guys. This is Eric from Florida with an overheard. A couple of coworkers brought in their kids last week, and one of them was playing in the office, making explosion sounds with a bunch of action figures and doing their voices and at one point behind me I hear a big ah my head blew off

and I don't have insurance that's the new world it's tough to be a bad guy or a good guy superhero insurance is really makes you think like insurance Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's tough to be a bad guy or a good guy. Superhero insurance is really... Makes you think like insurance can save you from an exploded head. Yeah.

Well, if you can still talk. Yeah, if the head is still able to talk. Can you talk? All right, there's hope. Yeah, yeah. Bring the head with you. And your insurance. Yeah, yeah.

Bring your papers. Put the head on ice. Yeah. None of that blockage. Oh, yeah. You don't want to get dirt you and your insurance. Yeah, yeah. Bring your papers. Put the head on ice. Yeah. None of that blockage. Oh, yeah. You don't want to get dirt stuck in your neck. I love making. I'm still considered myself one of the best gun noise guys.

I thought you were going to say I love making ice. I still make the best ice. Can you shotgun? Yeah, go ahead. Right? Pretty good. Thank you. Yeah. can you shotgun yeah go ahead right pretty good thank you yeah well why don't you why don't you do the sound and we guess what kind of gun yeah all right um machine machine all right that's pretty good machine machine that's how you win you just do it quicker yeah alright singular rifle rifle

you hear the echo yeah yeah he shot a buck and then oh small like a gun glock

like a gun was it a gun I think when I'm playing with my nephew tomorrow I'm gonna kill him okay yeah

I'm not gonna be a good cop I'm going to kill him. Okay. Yeah. I'm not going to be a good cop. I'm going to be a bad cop. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You're going to be a dirty cop. Just right off the bat. Have you seen that burglar around here?

You're dead anyway. Yeah. You're going to talk. How about this one, guys? Pew, pew, pew, pew. Oh, girl gun. Girl gun. No, laser. Oh, laser. Okay. Sorry. Oh, how about this one, guys? Pew, pew, pew, pew. Oh, girl gun. Girl gun. No, laser.

Oh, laser. Okay. Oh, how about this one? Make it work. Tim gun. He's from Project Runway. Oh, okay. That's the only guy that I know. Yeah, famous gun.

Yeah, famous gun. But good enough. How about... Shrinking gun. Oh, that's a bomb. It's a bomb. It's a missile, dude. Come on. Shr famous gun. But good enough. How about... Shrinking gun. No, that's a bomb. It's a bomb. It's a missile, dude. Come on.

Shrinking gun. Gun running into the distance. No, a gun that shrinks you with a ray. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Oh, sorry. Tractor beam. That's from...

Is that from Dumb and Dumber? Tractor beam. Suck me in. Suck me in. Oh, how about this gun? Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff, r Well, I think this brings us to the end of the program. Oh, no. I know. Lachlan. Yeah. Thanks for being our guest.

Thanks for having me again, guys. Appreciate it. Where are you playing? You're going to be in the Halifax Comedy Festival. Halifax. Yeah. Be in Fairbanks, Alaska the week before that. Wow.

Really? Wow. Cross continent. Alaska is, well, Fairbanks is beautiful. I've been there like three times. It's amazing. Nice. Saw moose for the first time.

Which seems, yeah, like you would have. Stay out of Riverdale. You're supposed to not, I didn't realize. You're supposed to not antagonize moose. Oh, really? Good idea. Yeah. Apparently they're a lot more dangerous than they look.

You're supposed to protagonize them. You're supposed nice which was a protagonist yeah you they are dangerous so we i went dog sledding and the guy said uh uh he's like a champion dog sledder and he was like yeah we carry guns and it's only for the purpose of moose yeah like if um if a uh if a moose tries to break into your house then definitely yeah yeah don't try to pick out an outfit to confront it. Just run away. What outfit? Oh, you dress like a squirrel. You try to be friends with it.

I threw a snowball at it. I threw a snowball at the moose, and the guy who was with me, the booker, was very upset at me. I bet. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, it just looks like— That guy owns the bar you're playing in. Yeah, that guy's the mayor. It's Moose what are you doing? I'm like, it just looks like. That guy owns the bar you're playing. That guy's the mayor.

It's Moose McGillicuddy's. So Fairbanks, Alaska, Halifax. Where do people go to find out more about what you're doing? They can go to my Twitter at Lockjaw. At Lockjaw. Yeah. L-A-C-H. J-A-W.

Thank you. There you go. And they can pick up your album, Jokes to Make Love To. And on iTunes and Amazon. And if they want, if they're in the States, they can go on Pandora and make a station, make a Lachlan Patterson station. Nice. Do it. And then every time it's not me, you can just thumbs down it.

I love it. The only thing wrong with Pandora is they don't let you thumbs down more. I don't know if you know this, but how Pandora works. No, I don't really know. It's like music and comedy, but you pick a song or an artist you like, and it plays everything like that. Oh, cool. Yeah, it makes a station of stuff like that. So if you type in Kenny Rogers, it'll just play stuff like Kenny Rogers.

Huh. And then it has a thumbs down and it has a thumbs down and not a thumbs up and a thumbs up if you thumbs up it'll save you that so it'll play that a little more often and if you thumbs down it's supposed to not play it so you can make a

Lachlan Patterson station so who is like Lachlan Patterson station that's just so who is like Lachlan Patterson? Kenny Rogers? Kenny Rogers can you imagine if you just listen to comedy and she believes in me does it bum you out sometimes to hear only bums me out

it's the worst it truly is a wake up call it's like when someone sets you up on a blind date that's what you look like yeah a blind date and you're like that's what you look like yeah yeah this is the level you're at whoever set you up thinks that's what you look like oh wow yeah oh touche so i don't so don't go to pandora don't do that don't do that lachlan hates i feel like if i feel like i just eventually said one day please if someone is there let me know if someone like like louisK. or something comes on after me.

I would love to know that. Like if something good happens, go to Lockjaw, at Lockjaw, and let Lachlan know. Hey, I heard your station, and all of a sudden, you know, Bill Burr came on. Yeah, yeah. Jerry Seinfeld. If somebody of noted quality comes on, let Lachlan know. Yeah. There's always some barnyard guy.

I'm like, what? I don't have... Barnyard. What is that? You sound like a mule. Yeah. There's what a cow sounds like. Just children's jokes.

Yeah. This is what jingling keys sound like. It's just those impressions. Well, most of the CD is just gun noises. Yeah. Well, thanks again for being our guest.

Thanks, man. I had a great time. Dave, anything to plug? No. I think I will be doing the Rap Battle show again at the Little Mountain Gallery on March 30th. I am considering doing it. Okay. Well, the person I was going to battle dropped out.

Ah. So I don't know who I was going to battle dropped out. Ah. So I don't know who I'm going to battle. All right. Do you physically beat each other up? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Physically, it's like a rap battle to the death. Yeah. And that would be so much more interesting.

No, it's good. It's super interesting. Many people have died. And if you like Stop Podcasting Yourselfself head over to MaximumFun.org check out the other shows available there and check out the blog recap that Dave does each and every week that accompanies the podcast photos and videos

relating to the content of this here podcast maybe a picture from Flex Magazine or this CD that Dave is signing Dave is signing. Dave's signing the CD? Yeah.

Dave. It's not even his signature, is it? Yeah, yeah. That's pretty good. I don't want to give my real signature. People's identity. Can you give that away to anyone or is that a pain in the butt?

No, we can give it. First caller. Not even going to make it challenging. And if you want to get in touch with us, it's StopPodcastingYourself at gmail.com or 206-339-8328. And you can go to iTunes and leave us a review if you like the show. And if you do like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. to yourself.