Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 292 - Dino Archie
Episode Date: October 21, 2013Comedian Dino Archie joins us to talk Canadian chip flavours, street fistfights, and flaming phones....
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Hi, he's Dave Shumka.
And he's Graham Clark.
And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.
Woo!
Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 292 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.
My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's just so excited about Halloween, Mr. Dave Shumka.
Yeah, I'm...
You're gonna go as future Funky Gandhi.
Yeah, future Funky Gandhi. A duck, a ref, a duck that's also a ref.
Are you familiar with these Value Village commercials?
No.
Oh, they're great. They use mclemore's uh tag popper yeah
they're really capitalizing on the thrift store um this is their time yeah yeah this is this is
the renaissance and mclemore is their leonardo daci. This is where that chain is from.
This is why this is cool.
I got this from like an Ace Hardware store.
Like you just put two of these shitty things together.
Graham, where's your chain from?
Which one?
I don't have one.
What?
Wait, that's from a hardware store?
Yeah, man.
What are they supposed to be used for?
I don't know.
What's the metal?
I think they might be a keychain.
Hmm.
Or a whistle.
It could be for a whistle?
For a whistle.
For a whistle on the work site?
A whistle holder.
Isn't this a little whistle holder?
I don't know.
I don't know about it.
How fancy. It'd be a flashy whistle holder. Yeah. The gentleman who's talking about his whistle holder? I don't know. I don't know about it. How fancy.
It'd be a flashy whistle holder.
Yeah.
The gentleman who's talking about his whistle holder is our guest today.
First time guest here on the podcast.
Very funny comedian.
Originally from California.
Yes.
Now make your home here in Vancouver.
Yes.
Mr. Dino Archie is our guest.
Hello.
Welcome.
Hello, whistle holder.
Yeah, that's because now I'm looking at this chain that you're wearing,
and it doesn't look like something that came from a hardware store.
It looks like a real chain.
It's weird.
My buddy, my roommate, he kind of put it on me like I had just signed with Rockefeller.
You know what I mean?
Like he put it around you.
Yeah, he donned it on me.
And when he put it on me,
I instantly became fly.
I felt fly.
Like I'm like,
oh, I'm fly now.
I'm fly guy.
Yeah.
Pretty much.
You're gonna fly now.
I'm a fly.
I became a fly.
And I did a show with it.
I've been doing shows with it on.
Why were you?
Okay, wait.
Let's get to know us. Let's get to know us.
Get to know us.
And now here,
why were you and a friend
at Ace Hardware?
Did this happen at Ace Hardware or did he bring it
home for you? He got it from Ace Hardware.
I think he went to the States, got it.
I think he got it
for me as a kid. When Canadians go to the States, what we like to do... I think this friend wants to move it to the States, got it. Yeah, I think he got it for me as a kid.
When Canadians go to the States, what we like to do...
I think this friend wants to move it to the next level.
Growing up as a kid, I would see commercials for things that were American things, like,
we can't get cookie crisp here.
We don't have Ace Hardware here.
And so every time when I was a kid, we went to the States, I'd be like, we gotta go to
Ace Hardware.
We gotta go buy some nails.
But you guys' chip selection, the flavors, they don't have that in the States.
At Ace Hardware?
Yeah.
Oh, you mean just in general?
In general.
Why?
What do we got?
You guys got...
Ketchup.
Just ketchup.
You got bacon.
I feel like America would have honed in on that.
We don't.
Lays didn't do that.
Weird. You guys have bacon and syrup or some shit like that.
Yeah, bacon and syrup.
Oh, well, there is a contest.
It was delicious.
Or there has been.
I don't know if it's still on.
Martin Short does those TV commercials and radio commercials for three new flavors of Lay's that were submitted by Lay's fans.
By, like like chip fans.
And one was like the maple salmon.
And they're like distinctly Canadian. To that region or to that?
They're just like Canadian.
Like poutine.
Yeah.
We're looking for a new Canadian flavor.
Well, now poutine chip, that makes sense.
Yep.
That in my mind tastes delicious.
Gravy, cheese.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's a- One was pierogi platter. That sounds good my mind, tastes delicious. Gravy, cheese. Yeah, yeah. One was pierogi platter.
That sounds good. Why not? Yep.
Has there ever been a sweet chip?
Like a blueberry chip?
Or a...
Like a honey chip?
Honey, yeah. I don't think so.
I mean, barbecue's kind of sweet.
Yeah, barbecue is sweet.
Honey brown sugar. I feel like America's got a pretty good selection of chips.
And they've got talent.
Oh, yeah.
Canada also had talent.
For one season.
For Capita, though, you guys got some stuff.
Yeah.
Chip-wise.
Chip-wise for Capita.
We got more chips.
Yeah, the amount of people you have here, you don't need.
You're so innovative with your flavors.
It's true.
We need all the flavors you guys have, you know, for us and everything we already have.
I feel like that's because we have the parliamentary system.
And you have, what is the American system?
Totalitarian.
Totalitarian system.
That's it.
Yeah.
That's it. Okay. That's it.
Okay.
So you're getting, someone's putting a chain on you.
Is that why Graham and I have never been able to pull off chains is because we've bought
them for ourselves.
No one's put them on us.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
Yeah.
Like you have to be bequeathed a chain.
Yes.
Yes.
That makes sense.
That really, now the math really makes sense.
Right.
Yeah.
I'm 30.
I didn't, you know what I mean? You don't just all of a sudden pop up with a chain. Yeah. That makes sense. That really, now the math really makes sense. Right, yeah. I'm 30.
I didn't, you know what I mean? You don't just all of a sudden pop up with a chain.
Yeah.
Or do you?
I feel like the only time, like, you know, like kids would get a chain if they were in the church and they would go to confirmation.
You'd get a chain for that.
Okay.
If you're in like an old timey rumble gang where you would use a chain and you're in your off time, you would wear it.
That's right.
I was nine.
My birthday.
I just turned nine.
I was in Sacramento.
My aunt's boyfriend, dope cat.
He's a Filipino dude.
And I told him it's my birthday.
And he goes, I got something for you.
We went to his trunk.
Drove you around for a couple hours.
I was down for any adventure then.
I was an easy sell.
Easy sell.
I was the youngest of so many kids.
I had stepbrothers, too.
How many kids?
Eight. Five. I was going to of so many kids. Like, I had stepbrothers, too, so I was the youngest. How many kids? Eight.
Five.
Like, I was going to say five real.
And then the others don't count.
They're three robots.
Just don't count.
They're just...
So, five real, and then three step.
Okay.
Wow.
Still, though, five.
Even just five.
Five.
It's crazy.
Crazy.
Plus three more.
Plus you add three in there and then i'm
the youngest boy have a younger sister so right shit kind of just rolls downhill yeah and it was
still good but it's just like oh man anybody any adult that wants to take me anywhere let's go
yeah yeah oh okay just like any attention is good yeah i don't know you let's do it i'm down for a
ride he drove me around sacramento. Down to the parks and stuff.
My birthday is January 4th, so it was winter.
It was foggy.
Yeah.
He was like, pop the trunk.
It's weird that I'm not scared at all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thinking about this.
Well, I trusted him, and he gives me a chain with a little metal stick on the end of it.
It was like something you could swing and hurt yourself with.
Oh, wow.
As a gift.
Oh, cool. And he was like, here you go. Yeah. Go fuck some shit up. But not something you could swing and hurt yourself with. Oh, wow. As a gift. Oh, cool.
And he was like, here you go.
Yeah.
Go fuck some shit up.
But not something you could wear.
No, I couldn't wear it.
But I, yeah, if I wanted.
I mean, you could probably wear it.
If I was in The Wanderers, I would have had a good chance.
From that thing you do?
Of that fight, yeah.
In that movie where they used to fight like that.
Warriors?
The Warriors.
Nah, there's this movie called The Wanderers.
Wanderers.
Wanderers.
The Wanderers?
One Direction?
Is it the One Direction movie?
It's 3D?
Yeah.
So he gave you like a mini weapon.
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
And it was like, but it wasn't used though.
I know, maybe it was used, but it was polished good.
So it wasn't like a, maybe some kind of like a Kung Fu type weapon. Wow. Cool. Yeah, it was used, but it was polished good, so it wasn't like oh yeah Maybe some like a kung fu type weapon Wow cool. It was cool. Yeah, because like I feel like I
remember when somebody
Do you still sit in the chair?
Yeah.
While he polishes it?
You don't have to sit above him.
Yeah.
This is part of the experience. He's got some martial arts magazines for you to flip through while he polishes your nunchucks.
Polish these throwing stars as well.
My flight is leaving in five minutes. While he polishes your nunchucks. Polish these throwing stars as well. I've got to...
My flight is leaving in five minutes.
So are you planning any revenge while you're in town?
Like when I was a kid, I got...
I feel like there was a lot of things that...
They're toys to kids, but they're actually like started as weapons.
Like a boomerang.
That's a weapon.
Yeah.
Hula hoop.
Yo-yo.
Yo-yo was a weapon.
That's how yo-yo started out.
Silly putty.
Yeah.
One of those like super sticky gummy hands.
Oh, yeah.
You slap someone right in the eye.
You always go for the eye.
That's a funny one, though, too. Like to get that out of nowhere. Oh, yeah, you slap someone right in the eye. You always go for the eye. That's a funny one, though, too, like to get that out of nowhere.
Oh, yeah.
Or the...
And it's covered in hair.
Yeah.
It fell on the rug.
So fast.
Or the one with these, you know, like when it's New Year's and you blow that...
Noisemaker thing?
Yeah, and it kind of...
Oh, the thing that rolls out.
Yeah.
That's a nice little...
You could really get somebody in the eye. A safe zinger to hit them right in the face.
And it's not harmful at all.
It's just paper.
It's like, yeah.
And then you just get hit in the face.
I'm going to do that this New Year's.
Yes.
You owe it to yourself.
To hurt one of your friends.
Do you have any outstanding vendettas?
Did you ever have anything like a slingshot or anything like that?
My friend had a potato gun when we were kids.
You know what that is?
I think so.
Is it like the thing that the guy had in No Country for Old Men?
Yeah.
Basically.
Like, that sounds hell of a day.
It's totally...
Potatoes.
Like, it's like a...
It doesn't look like a gun.
It's like something that you can make in shop class, and it's like a piece of plastic, and
like, you create a vacuum, and then you pop, you kind of like hit it on the end, and it
fires like a chunk of potato really, really hard and fast, and like, it's great.
Yeah.
Like, you can make it yourself.
I had a coffee maker like that.
I'm not lying. Like you can make it yourself. I had a coffee maker like that. I'm not lying.
When you were a kid?
That same guy gave you a French press?
He gave me a French press.
He just shows up with just a new weird thing every year.
Yeah.
Here's a robe I found.
They're all weapons.
You can use them all as weapons.
Yeah.
He was always like, you know, when they know what you're ready for, he's like, I've been
holding all these things, and I might say a certain thing.
He goes, you're ready for the French press now.
Yeah.
I have 10 items.
If you pick the right one, you're the dolly.
That would be a good, like, reality show.
You know how on, like, cooking shows, they give them these weird ingredients?
They should do, like, a MacGyver style weapon off
Yeah
Yeah to get out of this
Well you gotta ratchet up the stick there's only so much air and then Nick Lachey shows up for a very special episode. Dream date.
If I was in danger of getting killed or hunted, I would be like,
I promise I'll hold my breath.
I'm not going to use any of the air, guys.
If you were trapped in a vault,
how fast
would you have to have the conversation about
what corner is going
to be like the toilet corner i feel like that's never discussed in those those type of situations
when you see them in movies but that would be the first conversation i want to have like let's not
all just go to the different four corners and create four toilet corners yeah let's make one
there's eight corners because there's the upper corners as well yeah absolutely yeah you gotta maximize all the space yeah yeah yeah but the
also the conversation because you're not gonna just go straight you're gonna hold it as long
as you can but who's the first guy to fart yeah oh yeah probably probably that asshole Dan
But even in that case I think it will still be funny mm-hmm Yeah, even when you're like we're all gonna die. Well, you just let you know, you know, he's like, yeah, that's funny
I feel like yeah, like if there's always in those situations where it's like a bunch of people locked in a bank vault
I'm right in a movie
The person there's always somebody who's like leave bunch of people locked in a bank vault, right? In a movie.
The person, there's always somebody who's like, leave everybody
alone. Take me as a hostage. I feel like
that same attitude is the guy who
farts first. He's like, I'm gonna just break this
wide open so everybody feels comfortable.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're a hero, actually.
That's pretty much what you're saying. Yeah, he's a hero. He's not a jerk.
Yeah, well, somebody has to
do it. You're right, because otherwise it's just like so much tension. Right, your stomach's like, yeah, I'm just gonna, yeah, he's a hero. He's not a jerk. Yeah, we're all holding it in. Yeah, well, somebody has to do it. You're right, because otherwise it's just like so much tension.
Right, your stomach's like, yeah, and then you go, hey, I'm just going to do this, guys.
There's only so much air.
Right.
And then now you've poisoned it.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, true.
And it's also like, you just got to be like, everything that happens in this vault stays in this vault.
All right?
So when stuff gets weird.
When we get out and the news reporters are like,
what happened?
Well, this guy farted.
You know who farted first?
The dead guy.
I think that's what that movie
Life of Pi was about.
Do you?
The metaphor.
I think at the end of all of it,
it was just about...
Oh, the fart of the tiger.
Yeah, remember?
You didn't...
At the end, how he was like, was it really that?
Was it really about this?
Was it really that?
Or was it about that?
Yeah, right?
That's all I watched on that movie.
And me and my buddy saw it, and we got kind of stoned before it ended.
You know, you forget when the previews went on.
We just forgot what movie we had signed up for.
Because so much time felt like it in the lab.
And you don't know whether it's starting or this is another preview you're watching?
We don't.
And yeah.
Not necessarily because you're stoned.
Yeah, exactly.
You just forget all these little short movies.
Because the movies are so bad,
the trailer is just awesome.
You're like, this is the best of.
Yeah, exactly.
You're like, yeah, now I want to see that thing
instead of whatever the fucking thing I'm in.
Yeah, or if you're like me,
I'm like, oh, I know that movie's
probably not going to be that good,
but they show me the best stuff.
I was like, a nice little short movie.
Thanks. Don't got to be that good, but they showed me the best stuff. Yeah. I was like, a nice little short movie. Thanks.
Yeah.
Don't got to see that.
And then they do that again and again.
And Life of Pi was packaged with those Disney movies.
So everything was animated, 3D.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
And it was 3D, too.
And it didn't have to be 3D.
So I'm watching it.
Life of Pi didn't?
I thought it did.
Yeah.
I think it helped.
I didn't see it.
Oh, you gotta.
Go back in time.
See it in 3D.
Yeah, that's the thing.
Now that it's not in theaters, do I have to see it?
Because I know people who didn't see Avatar, and I was like, oh, don't bother.
If you didn't see it in the theater, there's no good plot.
It's not fun to watch.
The characters aren't good.
It's fun to, like, make fun of.
Yeah, I guess that'd be kind of fun.
Yeah.
But that's always fun.
That's every movie.
The best part of Life of Pi was the beginning, when they introduced the zoo.
You remember that scene?
Yes.
It's right at the beginning, and they have these. I still didn't understand why it was 3d but you liked it fair yes thank you i give you that
this is a real give and take um but so we're there and then we're like okay now this is the movie
and it's they show this they show this zoo type you you know, and there's a narration and there's
a zoo and they got all these little birds walk by the screen and then they show this
monkey comes out of nowhere and he's in front of the screen and his nose looks like a dick.
And we lost.
I mean, you know what I mean?
We're like, what movie is this?
This monkey has a dick nose.
This is in 3D.
This is hilarious.
We did something right.
We're at the greatest movie ever.
Yeah, because it's in 3D, so it's like a nose dick is in your face.
And you got the glasses.
I was like, this movie's going to be dope.
Yeah, yeah.
This is great.
This movie's going to be insane.
What is this i haven't seen i
don't think like maybe when i was a teenager i might have went and saw a movie after smoking pot
but i don't i haven't done that because i feel like i would really just fall asleep halfway
through like if it was a warm theater and it was like kind of a you know a movie where it's like
kind of boring without being high well i would just yeah have you been to a movie where it's kind of boring without being high. I would just lose interest.
Have you been to a movie theater that now lets you drink alcohol?
No.
That seems like a bad combo.
Yeah, I don't know.
The Rio Theater on Broadway does now.
And it seems like since they fought for that legislation, and it seems that ever since that happened, it seems a little grosser.
Well, I feel like, isn't there, okay, there's a chain in the States called the Drafthouse.
And that's like, you're sitting at tables or kind of benches, and it's kind of like a bar atmosphere, but they show movies.
And so like, you can have dinner and watch a movie.
That kind of, I can see that.
That makes sense.
But if you're just drinking beer and it's just in a theater setting?
Are you sitting in a, like, can you, I would like to have two options.
Like, when I'm done my meal, I want to go lie down.
I want to sit on a toilet.
Yeah.
Then you're just renting an apartment for a day.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You can just start reading a book.
Yeah. You're like, are there any any outlets what's the wi-fi code picture in picture yeah you just turn everything has to be everything else
you know what i mean like everything has to do like eight things you can't just do the one thing
and just do the one thing yeah like i just trying to watch a movie on my computer the other night.
I think I got ten minutes in before I started on Twitter and kind of listening to the movie.
Oh, I do that all the time and then I go back.
But I feel like I can't say I watched that movie because I missed probably about an hour of it.
You can like watch things.
They've made it so the audio on stuff works when you watch stuff at twice the speed.
So you can watch something, or even listen to a podcast
at, like, twice the speed
of regular, and then compress
the movie down to 45 minutes.
Which is like an episode
of Law & Order.
What's the point in consuming
someone else's
piece of, I don't want to say art,
what's the point in consuming
something so, like,
give it to me fast, like, I got it now.
And then, why?
What do you need that for?
And on your gross computer screen.
Like, you're never going to get it clean.
It's got weird dust and splotches on it.
Yeah, exactly.
Fingerprints.
Yeah, like, you guys ever get that where you do a show or something,
and you're talking to people after the show, and they're like,
who's some of the best comics you know?
And then you don't even answer.
Like, you go to Bill Burr or something.
They go, yeah, Bill.
They go, Luke.
And then they'll name off ten guys. Yeah. And you go, all Burr or something they go yeah Bill they go loot they'll name off 10 guys
yeah
and you go alright
I don't got no one else
and then they go
no give me more
cause I love you too
and I'm like
oh they're just like
I just want to consume more
yeah
yeah yeah
I can see
I can see it getting to a point
where
you're just like
oh this is exhausting
creating
content
for people
that you're not sure
will they ever watch it like
will they watch it on their phone or something yeah they just they'll consume it though yeah
you know what i mean like before it was just kind of there was something cool about as as cool as it
is to just do this what you guys been doing and put it out i guess with the stand-up it's like
you rock does it it goes on hbo and then it's like you gotta wait a while then it's on
comedy central right you gotta wait a little while and see some more but everyone just yeah
give me more names yeah yeah yeah give me i want to enjoy this illegally immediately yeah right
from these rich communities it's like uh it's the culture of, like, probably of lists, right? Like, people like, love stuff in list form.
So you're like, you like comedy, give me 10 comics.
Like, I just want a list of comics to work through.
You're right.
Yeah, people like lists.
I've been seeing that on Facebook, where they share it, like, they go, 25 things that 21-year-olds need to not know.
It's just like,
okay, we gotta make this list.
It's so confusing.
You're like,
what is this list I'm reading?
25 things that 21-year-olds need to not know before they die.
Like, what it's like to be 24.
What it's like to be 24 what it's like to be 23 the um i don't yeah i also i worry about uh filmmakers who are making like
these very like something like life of pie needs to be seen on a movie screen right like otherwise it's if you're just watching it on a tablet or whatever
you're losing a lot on a kindle yeah yeah when you're watching it on your wristwatch
on your what was the old uh uh the the like the early palm pilot that apple made
oh what was that called the newton yeah you're sitting there watching life of by an eight bitch
on your newton yeah like at what point do you just like uh i do i i go to writing this little spot
in gastown there's this little book old books shop there mcleod's right get a little easy i
like short stories every now and again yeah sure collection of Anton's check off I
want to be smart today yeah forget the but then like I'm I'm listening to a
little bit of music never hurts and I'm like listening to like Jay-z's new album and I'm trying to read this book
and I'm like, what the hell is he talking about?
You know what I mean?
Oh no, I'll have some stew.
And I'm on three coffees and then I'm like, forget this CD,
let's put this movie on and let's read this.
And I just go, my life sucks.
I'm not paying attention to anything.
And I'm just trying to text girls to kick it later on.
paying attention to anything.
I'm just trying to text girls to kick it later on.
I'm just like, what?
Do you think it all started
with that Wizard of Oz
and Dark Side of the Moon?
They sync up.
So you could watch
the two things at once?
Yeah, you could listen
to the album while watching
Wizard of Oz.
And then, like,
I want it to get to the point
where, like,
someone comes up
with the perfect six things
that sync up at the same time.
Oh, yeah.
So you're watching The Transporter 2.
Yeah.
You're listening to The New Con, Yale.
You're eating something out of Gordon Ramsay's New Cookbook.
You're reading a weird article.
You're reading a BuzzFeed list.
Yeah, you're looking at the top 18 places
Guy Fieri picked
That will make you shit a bunch
The place he plays
That won't make you shit a lot
Oh that's
Those are two different lists
Yeah no that's what I meant to say
The diarrhea shack
Triple D's
Top 50 places
That won't make you shit immediately.
Piles.
Piles of your assholes.
Oh, boy.
Yeah.
And you're doing all that at once.
That's actually, yeah, you need to create that.
Have you ever, there's these movie theaters that they were experimenting with them for a while,
and I don't think they ever caught with seats that would have...
What were they called?
They were called thrill seats or something like that?
Yeah, they rumbled and stuff.
Yeah, and it would correspond with the action or whatever.
That never caught because it's terrible.
So expensive.
And someone needs to program every movie.
Yeah, you've got a projectionist and then just a chair guy.
There's one guy holding a bunch of ropes that are shaking on his chair i picture that sounds so complex i picture like the scene in uh total recall like it seems like it's that big of an
ordeal when he sits down and you know what i mean he has to sit down and go through that whole
procedure sure where he his brain takes him on a you know what i mean he has to sit down and go through that whole procedure sure where he
his brain takes him on a you know what i mean like that sounds good to me though see you think
that sounds like a negative i'm sitting in a chair and having my brain somebody just kind of get in
there doodle around with my brain you know press a thing like this is your pleasure center. They just keep pressing it until you're like, good.
Feels good.
Now, you live in Vancouver now.
You're originally from California.
Yeah.
Usually it's the opposite migration. Yeah, I come in here in chunks and then go back.
But I've been visiting since I was 16.
Not a lot of
not a lot of people know that my best friend one of my best friends uh we he moved to fresno my
hometown because his brother married a girl from fresno and he played basketball all right and he
was a really good player from like one of the best in this province okay so we just became friends
that year and he and at the end of the year he goes hey why don't you come up to canada with me i was like i never i don't know what the hell's up did that sound
so crazy to you being somebody who like lived in fresno we're going to canada try some chips
you gonna believe yes uh it did but i always liked we as a like my mom we would travel all
through california like so it wasn't like right it's out there in the big old scary world i was I did, but I always liked, we, as a, like my mom, we would travel all through California.
Like, so it wasn't like, what's out there in the big old scary world.
I was like, man, that sounds, I'm down the road.
Let's do it.
What did you think before you came to Canada that first time?
What did you think it was going to be like up here?
I was 16.
So I had just.
Zero.
No.
Yeah.
I didn't think it was, I didn't think negative or positive.
I was like like this guy's
from there he's cool his family's like sure in there i was like seems like it's just safe up
there yeah okay that's interesting i just wonder like because like you know somebody that's never
because we don't get a lot of coverage in the states you know so i'm like what do people well
and you're a teenager you hate everything yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just think, yeah, you know what?
If you're not around your boys for two hours, you feel like, man, this sucks, man.
Yeah.
Where my friends at?
I want to talk crazy.
Yeah, I want to go to that Rumble movie theater.
I want to sit in that chair that rumbles.
I want to play beach volleyball in my jeans with the boys.
Where's my chain at?
Yeah, I want to put on my chain? I want people to put chains on me.
Yeah, I came up and it was in the summer and he was like, yeah, we got it all set up.
We got a houseboat.
And I was like, what's a houseboat?
I just don't know what I was talking about.
It's a boat on the house.
A boat on a house.
Weird.
Bad combo.
It's a boat on a house.
I don't think that's it at all.
It's a boat on a house.
Just sits there.
Birds living in it.
Don't tell the homeowners.
But this is where you're staying.
Staying up on the boat on top of the house
we told you it was a boathouse
yeah
well I think I just thought
it was the opposite of this
I was gonna be different
a boathouse is something that like
a character in a movie lives on
it's like
how do we make this guy interesting
I don't know
boathouse?
yeah
or maybe he works in advertising.
So you've been visiting here for years, and now you kind of come up here.
Yeah, I started doing stand-up about six years ago in L.A.
So I started there.
And tough places to start.
Tough places to start.
Easy places to quit, tough places to start. Oh, yeah, tough places to start. Tough places to start. Easy places to quit, tough places to start.
Oh, yeah, tough places to quit.
Oh, man.
Tough places to quit.
But, yeah, I went through that first year, though, and, yeah, kept doing it.
And a couple years in, I was like, I need a change.
And I came here on vacation, i've started doing a little i'd run into a couple canadian comics that would come to the
improv or something right okay we get to chat like jason rouse and yeah yeah yeah ackland and
different people and they were just telling me the scene up here was was like this is a good
scene that not a lot of people know about. Barbecue, ketchup chips.
Yeah, yeah.
You gotta see their selection of Pringles.
It's out of this world.
Once you pop.
You don't even gotta finish.
Exactly.
Once you pop.
Et cetera.
Right? Every slogan should just be cut off the second half of every slogan ever said.
That means that you've created a great slogan if you can cut off the second half of it.
If I say, just...
Justice.
Just do it!
I know.
You guys left me hanging there.
Don't appreciate it.
You threw it at him.
I was like, this is your alley-oop.
You're gonna throw him the alley-oop.
The assist pass. But that's not a very... Like, by that logic, just is... alley-oop. You're going to throw him the alley-oop. The assist pass.
But that's not a very, like, by that logic, just isn't.
Nah, it didn't work.
Like, I knew what you were going for.
Yeah.
See, but so it did kind of work.
But only because when we started saying the first half of slogans,
I went through as many as I could in my head.
What are other...
When you're here...
Your family.
Yeah.
I don't know what that's for, though.
Olive Garden.
Oh, I thought it was for, like, Holiday Inn.
800-588-2300.
Empire.
Oh, that's the insurance one.
No, carpets.
Yeah, carpet cleaning.
But that's not a slogan.
It's just they sign their phone number.
Be sure to honk.
If you're horny.
I'm not.
For marital aids.
Yeah.
Honk when you drive by Vern Funk.
Yeah, that's right.
Do you have any of those?
Like, from a local that you grew up with that are still, like, inhabiting your brain?
Slogans for a thing that you'd never used you've never seen but still still in there yeah
like there was a place in uh calgary i grew up pizza 73 still there yep and their phone number
was 273-7373 pizza 73 yeah i don't i want to dig back but i think i just erased good for you I need to go back in there I feel
like someone took a neural eyes yeah yeah you did the recall you're like take
out those jingles yeah I need some room on my hard drive so I take out jingles
take out my best friend's phone number from grade five um yeah uh yeah i'm trying to think of any
other other ones anyways i just don't like like say it's like like you can't you don't you can't
score if you don't shoot might as well yeah yeah i want to rewrite those like you can't win if you
don't play yeah well that's one of them.
I didn't realize who had said it, and I looked it up.
It was, you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
Do you know who said that?
Wayne Gretzky?
Yeah, for some reason I thought it was Michael Jordan.
But that would have been appropriate, right?
Both guys.
Yeah, those were...
Or an assassin.
Yeah, a lot of shots.
Yeah, the jackal.
That just sounds like an explanation for being
selfish
oh yeah
you went 0 for 100
you miss 100% of the shots you don't take
sometimes you miss 100% of the shots you do take
but no one can say that
to him
that's a pretty good quote though to have in kind of a wiki quote,
like that quote followed by, sometimes you do miss 100%.
Some jerk.
Maybe you suck.
Yeah, you do miss 100% of the shots.
That is true.
You did.
You took those shots.
But yeah, it was like Donald Trump quoted that on Twitter, and I wanted those shots um but yeah it was like donald trump quoted
that on twitter and i wanted to write back to him and be like that was a wayne gretzky you idiot but
then i was like oh maybe it was wayne gretzky he's not uh wayne gretzky not known as uh a wordsmith
yeah like not you know he never said he wasn't muhammad ali yeah he wasn't Yogi Berra. He was, you know, well, yeah, Muhammad Ali, like, I feel like he sat down and wrote.
Yeah.
Like, he had phrases.
Maybe he had writers.
But he performed so good in Rift.
Mm-hmm.
His Rift, if he, yeah, he had writers that do Bundini, who Jamie Foxx played.
Yeah, Bundini.
No, what's that?
A guy that he hired who was, you know, I think he might have came up with the float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, rumble, young man, rumble.
Yeah, he had a guy.
Wow.
Like how, like Paul Mooney was to Richard Pryor.
Right.
Bundini was to Muhammad Ali, just with the wordplay.
Just with the, like, patter.
Yeah.
I feel like it would be easier to do it for Muhammad Ali because he's not on stage for an hour every night.
Yeah.
Although that would be great.
If he does crowd work and it doesn't go well.
Well, how about I fight you?
Get up here.
Dave, what's going on with you?
Have you seen this?
It's a new
it's the
Sylvester Stallone movie not the one that's out
now the one with Arnold Schwarzenegger
no the next one he's doing
with Robert De Niro
yeah where they're both old boxers
yeah that's what the Muhammad Ali
thing reminded me of
because in the trailer
they're like they wanted to put these guys in a video game because they're like retired boxers.
That seems to be the Sylvester Stallone way to get back into this.
Yeah, isn't that what the Rocky 6 was?
Yeah.
Rocky Balboa was.
The simulation's got people talking.
Yeah, it's, I don't know.
Like, would you...
Like, if you could have...
Because Robert De Niro's what?
In the 60s?
Late 60s, probably.
And, like, in real life,
would you want to see
two 60-year-old men?
Yeah.
Fuck.
I would if they were in shape.
Still, though, like,
the brain is so precarious.
I mean, I don't really want to
see that those like two real fighters but but that's what i mean is sylvester stallone is in
as good a shape as a guy in his 60s like any guy in his 60s right i'm just saying do we want to see
senior citizens fighting each other that's the way it's going with obamacare yeah thanks obamacare i think i've probably seen
um like 10 times as many boxing matches in movies than like real ones yeah yeah that's true it's i
think it's easier to dramatize boxing than it is to dramatize mma mma maybe not as easy to film
make look good on screen.
Boxing's really easy to make it look like, you know, beautiful.
Yeah, it's really easy.
Well, if you guys want to see real life throwdowns.
I do.
Obviously.
I'm going to give you a sight.
It's going to blow your fucking mind.
All right.
Are these triple X throwdowns?
Some are.
Some.
A titty pops out sometimes.
Sometimes strippers.
Is this Foxy Boxing?
Yeah.
Sometimes strippers just like, bitch, you stole my dollar.
And then just boom.
It's part A.
It's called World Star Hip Hop.
World Star Hip Hop.
How much hip hop happens?
They.
Or is it mostly fighting?
It's mostly fighting.
So it's like MTV is now
just yeah it's that some conspiracy theories I feel like world star hip-hop
is what you hear in a leaked track world star hip-hop Worldstar Hip Hop So you know that that's where They watermarked it
DJ Scratchy Fing
And then they got that voice
Or the girl's voice like DJ Scratchy Fing
Is the sexy thing
The sexy lady voice
DJ Scratchy Touch
Scratchy Touch
Scratchy Touch exclusive
DJ Finger Hands
Hands and fingers
Oh this is the DJ with fingers On his hands Exclusive. DJ Finger Hands. Hands and fingers.
Oh, this is the DJ with fingers on his hands.
Except no substitutes.
Beware of imitators.
You gotta watch.
No, you don't got to, but if you do, it's gonna ruin your life, man.
Because every day you're gonna be like, people do this.
There's Toronto. People fight outside of a club. Are they staged? No. man because every day you're gonna be like people do this just any it is toronto people
oh really fight outside of a club it's are they staged like no is it just someone's rolling on
someone has good quality camera i like i like that it's uh you know it's not it doesn't sound
exploitative sounds like two people who really want to get in a fight with each other it's not
a bunch of people beating up one guy, right?
Or is it?
Sometimes they do.
I don't like that.
I don't like that.
No, just skim over that video.
They'll give you a headline.
Oh, okay.
And then it isn't like.
Are any of the headlines fair fight?
Everyone wins.
Yeah, it is.
Marcus of Queensborough.
You know the rules.
Whoever's working for this site, they're pretty fair because they'll tell you in the site,
they'll be like, guy gets his ass beat for talking too much shit to the wrong guy.
And you're like, kind of got to see this.
Oh, I think I saw that on Upworthy.
This guy tried to change the world with his smack talk.
Yeah, I saw it on Hello Giggle.
You won't believe what happens next.
I thought it was just going to be guy gets his ass kicked for talking too much.
Yeah.
There's that.
Oh, there's thugs.
There's like thugs.
They'll say, goon confronts hater for Twitter.
What are you rooting for?
Goon confronts hater over Twitter beef.
Oh, boy.
So the guys will tweet in this little, you know, they're in this neighborhood, and he
comes to his house like, I heard you've been tweeting about me.
He's like, I...
Turn on your camera.
Yeah.
Boink.
Well, there was a...
I watched a clip from years ago where the guys from the Insane Clown Posse were on Howard
Stern, and they kind of were really sounding off about how tough they were.
And a guy called up and he was like,
you know, I think you guys are phony baloney,
and I'm going to come down to the station,
and if I come down to the station, will you come out and fight me?
And they're like, any time!
If you showed up here, we would fight you so fast.
And then the interview goes on, and then somebody pipes in like,
we got a guy at the reception who wants to fight the Insane Club bossy.
They were like, we're not going to come out there and fight.
And he's like, this is exactly what you said you would do.
I asked if I showed up here, would you come out and fight me?
You said yes, so I showed up here.
Also, that receptionist must have been so torn.
Do you have an appointment, sir?
Well, sort of.
Yeah, pretty much.
That's exactly what I asked.
They're expecting me.
And he goes, oh, wait.
Yeah, he wasn't violent about it.
He was like, well, I'll just wait out here then.
I will wait.
They said, they clearly said that I could.
And then they're like, we're not going to fight you.
And he's like, what?
Why not?
You said you would.
Yeah, I quit my job for this.
I'm the CEO of a very important company.
I've been sober for 150 days.
I need this.
I broke my streak for this.
You know how jacked I am right now?
I want cocaine, man. Yeah. I broke my streak for this. You know how jacked I am right now? I want cocaine, man.
I did all my reserve cocaine.
You said these fights happen outside of clubs.
Last night you told me you were at a club.
A nightclub, yes.
A nightclub.
Not a gentleman's club.
Until three in the morning.
Do you go out?
Graham and I aren't clubby gentlemen.
Yeah, we don't uh we don't wait i'll get where are you i mean where do you guys this is this is the first time i've seen your face yeah i've heard about you though you just
become accustomed to my face i've heard you i heard of you you're like the king of Main Street.
That's what I tell people.
I go to the IGA.
I guess where I do my dry cleaning.
Both of you two, if you're going to do something in Main Street, you've got to kind of
get into our mafia.
Grease your palms.
I feel like you guys have taken
10% of all of my earnings
on Main Street.
Any comedian who performs on Main Street
must bestow us with a change
from
the shitty pizzeria
at 15th,
14th.
So I go out sometimes
with like, yeah, you guys say you don't go out i go out
from time to time just because i don't have a family
so for you so now it sounds like a sob story you gotta see my side but see the other night
we were we were both at uh the comedy mix and uh we finished the show and you had you had uh gone off and done
another show and then i i bumped into you on the street and then you were going to go do another
i was gonna go get poutine you're gonna go poutine and then go to another show weren't you i think i
was just gonna go poutine because poutine was this direction the show was that direction right
i saw you we walked it sounds like i saw you yeah
yeah i saw you
yeah you yeah then then i said yeah let me go do this other show as well
right right and i was like wow you're doing uh three shows in the night and you're uh
your justification is like well i don't have a wife. And I was like, too great.
They're like, me neither.
I'm going home.
But I'm not accusing you or anything.
I just mean how, when you go to clubs, how often do you see violence?
Oh, out here?
I don't go that often, but I did see last Halloween.
This guy with a hockey mask.
Adam and I were talking about this last night.
I've never, Jason, that movie, you feel like, I feel like I've seen them.
I've actually never seen a Jason movie.
But you just feel like you've.
I've seen all of them.
Yeah.
But. Go ahead. No, no. No, please. but you just feel like you've I've seen all of them yeah but go ahead
no no
no please
so
I watched about
20 minutes of one
it was just on
it was one of the
early ones
I don't know which one it was
sure
did he take Manhattan
in this one
nope
nope he was in this
country
it might have been the first
or the second one
he was in
he was in this country
this country side
Jason goes to Russia you're talking about It might have been the first or the second one. He was in this country side.
Jason goes to Russia.
You're talking about the Bourne idea.
Jason Bourne.
Are we talking about the Jason Bourne idea?
He forgot who he was.
But he's got all these skills.
He's really good at murdering people.
He's trying to figure out why.
Why am I wearing this hockey mask all the time?
Maybe I'm a goalie.
He's got a bunch of passports.
He's dope.
It's a good movie.
Next subject.
You guys just check it out.
Jason Bourne.
Trilogy.
Yeah.
Also, there was no scene with Jason Bourne just wandering around the countryside.
That doesn't apply to either of those movies. That is like, as far as a character that's been in five movies,
that's a terrible Halloween costume.
Which? Jason Bourne.
Oh, yeah.
You wouldn't know.
He's got kind of a sweater.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A black jacket.
You'd have to carry around props.
So many passports.
Swiss brand account.
You'll get someone trying to stab me with a knife
can three guys just come at me
yeah you're like this is an action
based costume I need you to come at me
and I'm gonna break your neck
can someone call the
cops in like one minute so I have to
like call them to where I only got a
minute left
I'll explain Treadstone to you you won't get it in like one minute, so I have to call them to where I only got a minute left. It works with the cops.
I'll explain Treadstone to you.
You won't get it.
So last Halloween, you saw
a dust-up.
Yeah, a fisticuff.
But Jason,
I'll get to that.
But Jason, though,
I saw just 20 minutes of a movie
and it was the first thing I saw.
It was mid-movie.
It was a guy.
Maybe you remember.
It was a guy on a motorcycle, like hillbilly, screaming.
And he's going, ah!
And he's yelling.
And he's going around this house, and his mom is going, come.
And it's over-the-top hillbilly characters.
And then the mom's like, come in here and get this stew
and he's
and he's going
ah
damn that got in front of me
and it was
I was like
what the fuck is it
and then
he just keeps going around
in a circle screaming
and she's like
come in here
and I was like
these people are annoying
as shit
and out of nowhere
Jason just lops
dude's head off
and I was like
thanks
right
that's how I felt
and then the mom was like
where are you junior and then Jason
Possum was like shut up bitch
kills her and I was like
two for two those are two fair kills
and then his next kill
he's never been convicted
I didn't know what this guy was I thought he was just
unfair me then the next kill
the dofus
they cut to
a teenage girl in her bedroom
and it was real colorful it was in the 80s and she was just she was pop locking just practicing
her move but not good though so it was like she was kind of trying to trick you know when they
get an actress that goes do you know how to dance I know how to break dance
you know she said that
and she was just like got the role
and then she was just faking it
watching videos
didn't do any real research
I was like she's cheating
she's not really dancing
that kill was the best
it was like Jason was just
watching like fuck this shit
he just walks in
he watched her dance
for about five minutes
and he was like
I don't care for this
this is bad
and he
it was almost like
he looked at the camera
like right
yeah
you guys want me to kill this
yeah
yeah
it was a special
choose your own adventure
Jason
should I was there like scary music or anything like Yeah! It was a special choose your own adventure, Jason. Should I?
Was there scary music or anything?
Was the mood just like,
yeah, kill them, Jason!
Did you watch it on mute?
No!
Go back and watch this one, man.
Which one was it?
Jason Takes the 80s.
Jason's fair as hell.
Jason's fair as hell. Jason's fair as hell.
Jason's fair kills.
The greatest Jason fair kills.
I don't think Jason gets it.
When you think of 1980s icons, it's like Ronald Reagan, Michael Jackson, Madonna.
Max Hedrum.
Yeah.
But Jason, that was his heyday.
Yeah.
Well, he...
Wayne Gretzky.
Yeah, you miss 100% of the head lops that you don't swing at.
You miss 100% of the beheadings you don't lop.
Jason, the thing about this series, cause I've seen all of them.
I don't remember this popping and locking scene, but there are 12 of them.
Popping and lopping.
Chopping and lopping.
Um, there's a, uh, it starts out, there's like a real, there's a story to it. The first two movies, he's a kid that's been terrorized by fellow campers.
Right.
And he's drowned by them.
And then the big reveal after the first one, spoiler alert, is that it's his mother is doing all the murdering.
She's taking revenge on behalf of her dead kid, Jason.
The second one, Jason somehow is not dead now
and the killings are done by drowned jason who somehow comes back to life and then they just
lose the thread and jason's just a guy just murder and then he kind of like later he's kind of a
monster like he has a monster face now and he's supernatural now he's like super powerful and
not the unkillable and then he gets killed at the end of every movie.
And then he just...
It's like an episode of The Simpsons.
Everything's back to zero by the next movie.
Nobody's heard of Jason before.
That's kind of cool.
That makes sense.
They just restart.
And then the best one is...
Yeah, Jason takes Manhattan.
Because of that. Because of the boxing one is, yeah, Jason takes Manhattan because of that.
Because of the boxing scene.
Speaking of throwdowns, the best movie fight ever where the boxer just gives him everything he's got.
And then Jason hits him once and knocks his head off of his body.
And it lands in a dumpster and then the dumpster closes.
It's great.
Everything good.
Anytime
if I ever
get like a movie
to make movies, I'm just gonna
I don't give a shit what it could be
the, it could be a documentary
on, it could be a realistic
thing and I'm just gonna, someone's getting their head
knocked clean off their block.
Not no blood, it's just gonna be
your head. And then like, when the head
lands, it's gotta make, like the
It's an hour and a half
talking head interview with
somebody high up in the
Bush government. And then the last scene is
Errol Morris.
Goes through a basketball
hoop.
Yeah, am I ever get picked.
Kurt, cheers.
Yeah, yeah.
And everyone has to react like it's just normal.
Like Teen Wolf.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's my favorite thing of yours.
Dang.
The bully.
Have you heard of this bully guy?
Oh, the guy that I used to know
It's a whole bit about back to the future
I know I gotta jab you up
I wanna jab you up
So I wanna hear about this fight
That happened on Halloween
Okay
Last Halloween
I was in town here
I was at
Just strolling down
Granville Street
You know, looking at the costumes
People, club goers
Going out in costumes.
It was Sunday night, and that's
Reggae Sundays at
Republic. Spot on.
And so it was a lot of
Jamaicans, a lot of different
people. As costumes?
People had costumes on.
I'm dressed up as a Jamaican.
I'm dressed up as a
reggae.
A lot of people dressed up as a Jamaican. I'm dressed up as a reggae. There's a lot of people dressed up as Jamaicans.
And there was a lot of Jamaicans too. How did they feel about it? I didn't like it because the fight broke out. So I'm in the club and I could, when you're in a club and you're
sober, you could kind of sense when some shits about to go down
Yeah, you know I mean and so I always had that gift
So with all date these I see something happening Clean as a chain. Whistle chain. Whistle chain. Blow the whistle.
So I see something happening between a few factions in the club.
So I don't know any of these people.
And you're unaffiliated.
You have no faction.
No faction.
You're being courted.
Yeah.
You're still making up your mind.
Which of these frats am I going to rush? So I go outside, and I'm just kind of across the street.
And I'm looking, and I was like, this shit's about to go down.
And so this guy, and it's funny, he's a dude in a toga outfit, fully dressed.
Some girl's just talking shit to him.
She's in his face like, fuck you, Tyrone.
I'm going to tell Jerry about all of this. He's like, get out of my face. his face, like, fuck you, Tyrone. You know, I'm gonna tell Jerry about all of this.
He's like,
get out of my face.
And she's like,
fuck you,
man.
And then I was like,
he's,
he's gonna,
he's gonna lay this girl out.
Whoa.
And she keeps agitating him.
Boom,
boom,
pushing him in the face.
He's like,
bitch,
don't do that again.
I'm like,
now I'm like kind of close to it.
And then,
oop,
knocks her clean out no way
men the bouncers come and they just rushed over boom slam them against the cement people start
taking out their phones and they're going world star world star world star yeah man they're going
world star i was like this is really this is happening
and then
one of his guys
was still trying to fight
and then out of nowhere
this
this guy
he was dressed as
a
I want to say samurai
samurai
yeah yeah
he had a stick too
that was like
you can't bring that
in the club
he was outside the club
it was just on the street
so he's just waiting
for something yeah he was just waiting for something.
Yeah, he was just waiting for some shit to happen.
He knows he's not going in anywhere.
Yeah, this guy, he had nothing to do with anything.
He pulls the stick out, he hits the guy on the head with it.
Whoa.
That's awesome.
It's not that awesome.
It was one of the guys that hit.
He was with the guy that hit the girl, so it was just weird. he was with the guy that hit the girl so it was just weird it was just like yeah never yell not world i just like the idea that uh because
everybody's in costume that people feel like i have to fight in my costume form like yeah yeah
i'm dressed as a zombie i'm gonna bite this guy
oh wow yeah yeah yeah he hit he didn't like throw the sword away and go, put him up, man.
He just, like.
Oh, yeah.
Run into my sword.
Yeah, if he got his ass beat, he takes his sword.
He does an honor killing.
He really goes all the way.
Just hits himself in the face.
Yeah.
With a stick.
Yeah, I forgot about this.
Curtain rod.
The stick.
Yeah, I forgot about this. The curtain rod.
Yeah, so you'll see a bunch of things like that on there.
And then some other funny shit, too.
But it's like a lot of...
Can't wait.
It's mostly fair, though.
Most of it's fair.
I don't like any unfair people getting...
But if it's like racist guy talking way too much shit...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wins fight.
You're like, oh, no.
Racist guy rules. Like, racist guy talking way too much shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wins fight. You're like, oh, no.
You're like, oh, no.
Racist guy rules.
But don't read the comments, man.
There's comments?
Of course there are.
Oh, man.
You don't even got. Don't read the comments on anything.
No, but on this, though, You talk about hate speech, man.
I can't even think in...
I rarely talk about hate speech.
You...
That's it.
You talk about hate speech.
Dave, you talk about hate speech.
But you don't live it.
Yeah, that's true.
We're always sitting here talking about hate speech.
Let's get some hate speech.
It's so crazy because, like, the comments for something very innocent on YouTube can be just so terrible.
So I can't even imagine if the jumping off point is, guy gets, you know, bottled to head.
He had a point.
Yeah, it'll be nothing.
That would be great if it was the reverse.
The comments are all just like, see, this is what happens when you don't fund public schools. Yeah, if it was the reverse the comments are all just like see this is what happens when you don't fund public schools yeah it was super civil they're like i disagree this is a problem that
happens from childbirth you have to teach people how to take care of their children and then
someone goes no no fuck that i respect everyone's decision yeah like i respect everyone's opinion
this is fair jesus it It's gross, man.
I don't like the comments.
They just go straight to...
So just watch the videos.
Watch the videos.
Some of the comments are funny, though.
Sure, sure.
No, I'm not.
Well, don't read them.
But do read them.
You know what?
There are some...
Some people out there are really good writers.
Yeah.
You know, you miss out on 100% of the comments you don't read. You miss out on 100% of the comments you don't read.
You mess out on 100% of the hate speech.
You don't spend a day reading.
Is anything going on with you?
Oh, I got a new phone.
Oh, yeah, your last phone.
My last phone caught fire.
Yeah, which is by itself.
I'm in the texting championship.
Yeah.
Fastest texter.
I don't know what happened.
So my phone was plugged in, charging overnight, and I woke up in the morning and I looked at my phone for what time it was, and it was off, which is very weird.
And then I wouldn't turn on.
weird and then i uh it wouldn't turn on and then i looked at the connector bit and it had completely melted like it fused with the phone oh wow and uh yeah so i don't know that component like it
smelled like it had been on fire and uh like obviously i don't know i don't know how it
happened like obviously it didn't spread anywhere it was just but the phone was finished oh and uh so i needed like i was like i gotta find a phone today basically because like i
have no way to reach a lot of people i mean facebook you can reach everybody because you
telecommute i do exactly i uh i've got home office set up um so I went on Craigslist and I really, I found something like within two hours, like just
a nice iPhone 4 for sale.
And they're like, I'll meet you at this place in an hour.
And you were like, oh, I forgot about the meeting part.
Never mind.
But also I was, I realized like, I said, yeah, okay, we'll go, we'll meet somewhere.
And then I was like, oh, I don't know what this person looks like.
So I wrote that and they didn't write back before I left the house.
And so I was just flying.
Now, Graham, if you ever have to meet, you've done this before?
Yeah, I bought a charger.
And how do you describe how you look?
I didn't say I should have.
But in the past, have you?
You know, scraggly beard.
Scraggly is a word that I use.
I think I just said scraggly.
We're kind of a scraggly guy in there.
That'll probably be me.
But luckily, she was smart.
Like, she was just carrying the phone in the box.
Oh, that is smart. Well, just like the phone in the box. That is smart.
Well, just like, you know, like this is...
She was carrying a bag of money.
Yeah, exactly.
Yeah, she was carrying a phone.
Graham was carrying $150.
In a cash bag with a dollar sign.
It would be very easy to rob somebody.
I guess that happens on Craigslist where you say, like, come meet me at this place.
And you know exactly how much cash the person
will have on them. It's $200
and then you show up and they just have a knife.
They're like, well, there goes my $200.
But
it was amazing how fast you can just buy
a good working phone
and have it set up. I was very
surprised that it rolled out as
easily as it did. That, that's a good turnaround.
Yeah, like it was, by the end of the day,
I had a functional phone.
It was better, you know, like it was the next level of phone or whatever.
But still, I'm very upset and disturbed that my phone caught fire.
Like, I'm like, that really would have, because I didn't wake up.
I kind of like that movie, though.
About a phone that catches on fire
phones that turn against us oh sure absolutely you gotta go sleep in the phone as you turn it off
and the phone does that
the phone's eyes and he has motive because he knows who you are yeah from all the shit you've been putting in there
all you know whatever he's judged you and he's like you don't deserve to yeah yeah right yeah
exactly this is the kind of guy i'm gonna poison the next meal you take a photo of
he's the kind of guy you are or it's like it coordinates with other phones it like tells you
uh oh there's been an accident.
You have to go to this hospital.
And then it also contacts your enemy and like, we're throwing a surprise party for you at the hospital.
And then you show up and he kills you.
Yeah, it's a terrible surprise party.
For two reasons.
That's dope.
That's a good stupid movie.
Yeah.
Matt Damon's interested
Can we knock his head off?
And then there was another thing
When we were
If your phone had been in like
A bucket of oily rags
Your house would have burned down
If it had been
Or a pile of papers
Which easily you could have just had a phone
Just sitting on top of, right?
Like junk mail or whatever.
Anyway, so I guess I'll never charge my phone overnight again.
What kind of phone was it?
An iPhone.
Oh, wow.
3GS.
Yeah.
iPhone.
3GS.
USB cable.
Yeah, completely melted.
Never heard of that before.
That's weird.
Oh, I've heard of that.
As soon as I posted it on Twitter, there was, like, several people were like, same thing
happened to mine.
And I was like, oh, this is not great.
Seems like a...
But you didn't see flames or anything?
No, but it smelled like burnt...
Burnt electronics.
Kind of different?
And they...
You don't necessarily...
Is it more of a heat?
Yeah, you can get that smell from just something that burns out in two seconds without any heat.
Without any fire or whatever.
I mean, but this did melt your...
Yeah, so it was like super hot, right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I survived that.
Thank God.
And also, this is just a side note.
When I was walking, when we met and you were heading towards Poutine or whatever,
dude, we were walking down the street and I was, I bought a slice of pizza.
It was just this crazy thing.
But this shows the difference in just the way that my life is versus the way Dino's life is.
Some dude, never seen before, giant dude.
How tall was that guy?
He looked like Frankenstein.
Yeah, he looked like Frankenstein.
So, like, really handsome dude.
Yeah, and he came up with Frankenstein arms like he was going to strangle me.
And I just went like, oh, no, like, don't, please.
And Dino was like, do you know that guy?
And I was like, no, I've never seen that guy before.
You know what?
He did it cooler than that, though.
That's what makes it funny.
He didn't even, it wasn't even, he had his pizza, and then this guy goes, you.
Yeah, he's like.
And starts walking towards him.
And Grant goes, nah, nah, nah.
He just gives him just a thing,
like not today,
but not,
it wasn't confrontational.
It wasn't,
he just didn't flinch.
And the guy goes,
all right.
And then I go,
do you know that guy?
He goes, nope.
It wasn't crazy as shit.
I go, he could have,
it was like five,
he didn't mean harm,
but it was like he came,
he was going to choke you.
He was walking like Jason.
Yeah.
Yeah. He looked like he had a taste for lopping.
Is it possible that you're famous for being strangled?
Yeah.
You know how if someone is famous for something, people just walk by and yell their catchphrase or whatever?
That's true.
So yours is like, oh, you're the getting strangled guy.
Yeah, I'm a model on strangle.net.
The hottest necks of 2013.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But yeah, that was a very, like, that's kind of a, like, you could see that out of a scene in one of the Jason movies.
That somebody like, Jason's like, ah, and somebody's like, not tonight, Jason.
And him being like, ugh.
Yeah, like a businessman on a brick cell phone.
What are you, Jason's taking Manhattan.
And the guy's like, no, I'm on a call.
Yeah.
And Jason's like, does Sobe, doesn't know what to do with that?
Can't lop him.
Join him.
And Jason gets a job on Wall Street.
Yeah, as Gordon Gekko, he's like.
He's ringing the bell. Ding, ding, ding, on Wall Street. Yeah, it's Gordon Gekko. He's ringing the bell.
Jason opened the stock exchange.
Stocks in Bloodcor have come through the roof.
Bloodcor?
Manufacture blood.
Well, they get blood to where people have lost a lot of it.
So Jason's drumming up his own business.
You're like, Jason, what else do you got
for me besides a connection at the
airport?
He's on the work for Bluestone.
What?
Wall Street.
Nah.
Greed is good. That's the only quote.
Jason wearing suspenders.
That's all I was going to say.
It is good. That's the only quote.
Jason wearing suspenders. That's all I was going to say.
Well, let's move on to Overheard, shall we?
Hey, I'm Jesse Thorne.
Hey, I'm Jordan Morris.
We're actual friends.
And actual professional broadcasters. We host Jordan, Jesse, Go! A show about, you know, friendship, being a person.
Yeah, we run the full spectrum from feelings to some of the most vulgar jokes you can imagine.
And honestly, putting it that way makes it seem like it's half and a half.
At best, 25-75.
It's definitely mostly vulgarity,
but it's a pleasant, friendly vulgarity
from two guys who went to a reasonably prestigious UC college.
Why don't you try the show out now?
Grab one with one of your favorite comedians like a Rob Corddry or Rob Delaney or whatever.
Or somebody awesome that maybe you haven't heard of yet.
Yeah, go to MaximumFun.org or your favorite podcasting app and download an episode of
Jordan Jesse Go now.
Now.
Ryan, my co-host, how would you describe Throwing Shade, the podcast that we do?
Well, Erin, my co-host, I would say that we take lady issues and gay issues and treat them with much less respect than they deserve because let's be honest, we really don't have
very much respect for each other.
We don't respect anything.
I don't, I'm not even wearing pants.
I'm very ashamed of your body and mine.
Overheard.
Overheards.
Things you may have overheard while you're out wandering the streets.
Now, Graham.
Yeah.
Let me interrupt you.
Yeah, go ahead.
And admit that I just screwed up.
No, it's fine.
We did about six or seven minutes of overheard.
Some great talk about leftovers.
Yeah, we did talk, you know, download the app.
It's all there on the app.
I feel like I had a decent one.
You were really good, yeah.
I led off with a good one, guys.
You know what?
I wouldn't be.
I don't mind if you just do the same one. I could do a good one, guys. You know what? I wouldn't be. I don't mind if you just do the same one.
I could do a new one, though.
I could do a new one.
You know what?
Let me explain a little more.
Yeah.
This has happened in the past where we have had like a computer malfunction and lost 45 minutes of the show.
This is great.
We just lost about five or six minutes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I just...
No problem.
No hard feelings.
I noticed it because it went to a screensaver.
I was like, well...
That doesn't usually happen.
That's not a thing.
No, we just didn't record it.
We recorded the testings.
Yeah.
And then this last segment.
So sorry, everybody.
Hope you enjoyed those ads for shows on the Maximum Fun Network.
Oh, yeah, right.
We're getting back to normal.
We're back to normal.
Overheard.
Overheard.
Now, you know, I'd like to tell the one that we missed.
Because it is good.
It's good quality.
I was at this coffee shop.
Go outside in Gastownown and this lady walks by
and she yells out
she goes fuck leftovers
you gotta bake the cake twice
I like
was she talking to somebody
or was this just like her mantra
it was just kind of her
how long ago was this
two weeks ago
so it was pre-thanksgiving
cause thanksgiving leftovers those are How long ago was this? About two weeks ago. Two weeks ago. So it was pre-Thanksgiving.
Because Thanksgiving leftovers, those are... Those are...
Yeah, I can't believe...
That's like the famous leftover.
Yeah.
Right?
Thanksgiving turkey...
Sandwich.
You make it into a sandwich.
But then don't they also throw...
Don't you throw the carcass in a pot?
Yeah.
And make like a soup?
Yeah, make skeleton...
Take pictures of it.
Skeleton soup.
Skeleton turkey. That sounds like a soup yeah make skeleton take pictures that sounds like a hilarious kids album like a halloween song skeleton soup
you put the carcass in a pot you take a picture of it and you send it to someone and say, you're next.
Hopefully that trend of the... I was still one of them idiots where every time I take a food picture, I just go, you fucking loser.
Don't send this to anyone.
Are you on Instagram?
On Instagram.
Well, you gotta.
People need to know.
Show me.
Look at all this look what i ordered
right the messes there's this thing on on some one of these other weird sites i look at and
they'll always highlight somebody's shitty plate because they'll be like someone some celebrity
oh right be like lebron james's wife cooked him a meal, and it looks terrible.
That's pretty good.
It's called Struggle Plates.
You're at the best sites on the web.
Can you explain most trending topics to me?
Struggle Plate.
Where you're just like, oh, man, that looks gross, man.
And they just call it a Struggle Plate word for it i like they need to post those like post the shittier meals well have you
ever this is a thing that i don't i'm not uh on instagram so i don't really know like get on it
get it you got that new phone get on it it's true a lot of people will take pictures of uh the food um it felt like in
the old days like uh people would smoke a cigarette after their meal and then put it out in a mashed
potato or something put it out on the plate that would be it i'd like to see instagram like i just
smoked just finished off my cigarette i'm putting it out in this meatloaf. Just all the different foods you can put a cigarette out in. Ice cream.
Soup.
Yeah, that would be super gross.
Talk about fuck leftovers.
A twice-baked cake.
Dave, do you got an overheard?
My overheard is from television, so it barely counts.
But you know what?
No one's keeping score.
Ooh.
By the way, listeners, start keeping score.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Actually, go back through the past 300 or so episodes, including the live ones.
And, oh, yeah, we've already probably done 300 episodes, so we don't need to come up with anything for our 300th episode. Crary Lee Award, he'll be like, if a joke really lands well, he'll be like, plus five
points.
And if you insult him as the host, he'll be like, minus three points.
Somebody went through every episode, tallied the points, and came up with a graph of who
has the most points, who won the most debates, who's the all-time point leader.
Great.
All right.
Yeah.
Where can you get the stats at?
I'll send them to you.
Yeah, it was just a private thing?
Yeah, I just sent it to the producers
Like, hey, I'm a big fan of the show
So I just went through and listened to every episode
Here's the official points tally
Post it on the show's Instagram
Oh, I should, yeah
Next to my cigarette meals
My overheard is from television
From the television show
America's Next Top Model,
which is a show about people who aspire to be models that will never be heard from again.
Except that one.
The first one, yeah.
She shouldn't have won that year.
I had a fave.
I was an Elise fan back then.
She started her own brand of birth control, right?
That's Aless.
Oh, right.
That is Trojan.
So this year on America's Next Top Model, it's girls versus boys.
Women versus men.
There aren't any eight-year-olds.
So there's guys and girls.
Emotionally, they're four. Yeah.
Oh, emotionally, they're four.
Toddlers versus kids.
I kind of don't hate the idea of having kids model.
Sort of toddlers versus tiaras.
Versus tiaras?
They, in this challenge, they were uh i think they went to bali like every year they
take them to some fashion capital and uh they ran out of fashion capitals after like four cities
yeah like new york paris milan uh i don't know bali yeah santiago Santiago. And so they went to this like zoo or it was more of like a nature preserve.
Oh, yeah.
And all the models would they had to model with different animals.
And a couple of people had to model with a snake.
A couple of people had to model with a bird.
And a couple of people had to model with an orangutan.
And this male model said, I am posing with an orangutan and this male model said i am posing with an orangutan i love it the orangutan has a similar amount
pardon me the orangutan has a similar anatomy to that of a human being so i feel like i have an
edge here you really slurred through a similar anatomy.
Yeah.
We have a similar imagination.
Synecdoche, New York.
They should do a top model with just the best animal models.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, who comes out?
Is it a tiger, right?
Or what would be the top animal model?
Probably a panda.
Pandas.
Or what would be the top animal model?
Probably a panda.
Pandas.
I think they would start to know that they're being judged and take upon human characters.
Yeah, absolutely.
And become assholes. Yeah, form alliances.
In that little self-confession, they'd be like, that fucking bear is an asshole.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that python keeps stealing my dresses.
I can't believe that tortoise is still here.
I didn't come here to make friends.
Graham, do you have an overheard?
Yeah, mine is also courtesy of a reality show.
Well, you got the new phone.
I noticed you haven't updated to the new OS.
No, yeah, I haven't, but I don't know.
Which I believe is a birth control OS.
But I was watching a show that I'd never seen before.
It was just a clip on, it was a list of the top 10 worst reality shows ever, and I'd never
heard of most of them.
But one of them was called Bridalplasty, which was a show where all these women compete.
And if they win, they get their wedding is all taken care of and their wedding dress or whatever.
And they get plastic surgery, like on the house.
And so it was the decision that the last episode where it was they bring back all the contestants.
And, you know, whoever has the most ex-contestants sit at their table wins.
Oh, okay.
And so the one was really terrible to everybody,
and so she was losing very quickly.
And what would you have changed of her face?
Her bitchiness.
Okay.
But they had their last appeals to make before the voting.
And the mean one said about the other one, who ended up winning, she goes, I feel like she wasn't taking this process seriously.
Like, she got the lipo, and then she went back in the kitchen and ate hot pockets every
night and to which the one that one said a hot pocket a lean pocket wow yeah get it right it's
like easier to to and like tastier like i i'm not one of these people who's like,
you should eat fruits and vegetables.
Like I get it that stuff tastes better.
Yeah.
But a lean pocket doesn't.
Yeah, lean pocket is gross.
A lean pocket is just a hot pocket with broccoli in it, right?
I think a lean pocket is like,
they've got like, you know,
cheese that doesn't have anything good in it.
It's a weird cheese. Yeah, it's a weird cheese stuff. Have you had a lean pocket? I've had it. It's a weird cheese.
Have you had a lean pocket?
It's been so long.
For a while, you know what?
I think I used to...
This is going to come out
way wrong.
This will be next week's over.
I feel like I used to
trade sex for
lean pockets in college.
That did come up.
That's terrible.
Where did you go to college?
In Bali.
I went to college in Bali.
Bali University.
Be you.
Now, we also have overheards that have been sent in to us from people around the world.
Okay. Now, we also have overheards that have been sent in to us from people around the world.
If you want to be one of these people, you can send it on over to spy at maximumfun.org.
And this first one, I feel like this one really hits a really good dad joke.
Okay.
I'm a big fan of the dad joke.
And this comes from Maria H. in Chelmsford, Ontario.
Maybe Chelmsford?
Chelmsford?
Chelmsford?
Chelmsford.
I don't know.
But this, I feel like, I'm extrapolating from what she's written here, but I'm assuming this is a dad who's had to take his daughter out to the mall go to clothing shops all day i look forward to it i can't wait uh so this is i was walking the mall and i pass tim hortons and i hear a dad say to his daughter time to visit my favorite clothing store
tim hortons good good good dad joke yeah yeah oh that's like the best part of being a dad is embarrassing your
teenagers yeah oh man i bet you said it loud enough that everybody can oh yeah in front of
all of us in front of the cute guy from shop class he's got four fingers.
All the cutest guys are in shop.
You know what?
You should take shop if you want to meet guys.
Did you take shop?
Yes.
Yeah, I took shop and I also took... What do you call them?
Are they electives?
Something called plumbing and heating. Oh, practical was a, what do you call them? Are they electives or something called plumbing and heating?
Oh, practical.
Which is.
My, you're handy.
Well, it's honestly like of everything that I learned in, you know, whatever, high school, it's the only thing that really I've applied outside of just like being able to type English properly.
You know what I mean?
Like those are the two things that I reference weekly.
Plumbing and heating.
Plumbing and heating, yeah.
So, you know, like, how to take apart things on a toilet.
How to, like, fix a drain.
How to take apart heating while sitting on the toilet.
Yeah, exactly.
You know, how to, like, you know, light a pilot light on a furnace.
How to clean the filter on a furnace.
How to put on an extra sweater.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah, thermostats.
That was two months just on thermostats.
I never took shop.
Did you?
No, I did.
My elective was, I don't know what they call it.
Was it home ec?
Home ec?
Home ec.
Yeah, yeah.
Cooking and stitching.
Yeah.
Stitching and bitching.
Why not choose that?
Yeah.
Well, it's all useful.
You had to take half a year of home ec and half a year of shop.
And then the next year to pick one or the other.
And I ended up in plumbing and heating.
I took speech and debate also.
Were you going to say forensics?
I took forensics.
Wow.
Solved a game of cases.
I've been working on some cases. I took forensics. Wow. Solve the game, Casey. Yeah.
I've been working on some cases.
Somebody like
donates their body
to the high school
for their forensics class.
Love it.
Or you gotta buy your
remember in science class
you had to buy a frog to kill?
Remember they had a bunch of We went to school in Canada. Oh yeah. You didn't have to buy a frog to kill? Remember they had a bunch of dead...
We went to school in Canada.
Oh, yeah.
You didn't have to buy your own frog.
They made us buy our own.
Remember next week...
The frog lobby was...
Remember next week, guys, you got to bring in your own cadaver.
You got to bring in your own dead body that we're working on.
For forensics.
No grave digging.
But it's like the shop or auto body class.
People would donate their cars.
But if it was the forensics
class and you had to bring in your own body,
you're the murderer.
Or you know the murderer.
The guy in a hockey mask.
Guess what he died of?
Headlessness.
Loneliness.
So this next one comes from Jason.
From Manhattan.
He's from Charlottetown.
I'd like to apologize for my reaction.
No, it's great.
At work, I overheard two coworkers talkingworkers talking uh lady says so i went to call
the lady back and it went to one of those voice activated menu systems where you just talk to it
instead of pressing the menu buttons and it said please state the name of the person or department
you'd like to be transferred to so i said tiffany carson and it said did you mean transportation and cars son
those things are just to embarrass you right yeah to get you to say something dumb into the phone
and say it loudly and slowly and multiple times now do we ever talk about uh when we were driving
around with uh charlie demers and he was trying for the first time ever to dial.
No, I told him that in Siri, what you can do is you can tell Siri,
like one of your contacts is my wife.
So you can say, like I would say, Abby Shumka is my wife.
And then later I can say to Siri, call my wife, and it'll call Abby Shumka.
And so I was telling this to
to charlie and he so brand new phone yeah so he was a super excited to like do that the voice prompt
and he would say something and then siri would repeat it back what siri thought he said yeah
and so he can't say kara is my my wife. And it would be like, karate is my life.
Siri was just riffing.
Very funny.
She was just giving out gold.
Kara is my wife.
Kara is my first wife.
Siri, Siri. Settle down there. Kara is my first wife. Sorry, sorry.
Settle down there.
I love you, Charlie.
Marry me.
Siri's like, for real this time.
I'll stop joking.
This last one comes from Tristan in Toronto.
I was in a grocery store the other day and a little girl was sitting
in the shopping cart with her parents
pushing her through the fruit and vegetables section.
The little girl yelled out to her brother
who was running away, come back!
I have a secret to tell you about cookies!
Kids.
Yeah.
Kids.
What are the secrets
about cookies?
They're delicious.
Oh, no, that's a secret.
That's no secret.
Yeah.
I bet you bite a chip.
Yeah.
What are secrets about cookies?
Where they're hidden?
Who ate the last one?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of an Oreo?
One.
Yeah.
Just twist it.
Yeah, those are all the cookie secrets.
Oh, I mean fortune cookies.
All sorts of secrets in there.
Something about Keebler elves.
They're in a tree.
Where's that tree?
Kind of what are the Keebler elves?
Do you know what I mean?
They're not funny.
They're kind of like Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
Did anybody like them?
Keebler elves are... What were Snap, Crackle... What were they It's like, did anybody like them? Kepler elves are...
What were Snap, Crackle...
What were they?
Rice Krispies.
No, I know those.
I know that.
But what were they?
They were like elves.
They were elves.
They wore hats.
Yeah, you know what?
Old-timey buckle clothes.
But those guys
kind of like to party, though.
Yeah.
They were kind of loose cats.
Yeah.
They kind of...
They stayed out.
They had late nights.
They would be in a bowl
of Krispies like a jacuzzi.
They kind of just got hip-hoppy.
Worldwide hip-hop.
They party.
They fight.
Is that what it was called?
Worldwide snap crack.
World star.
Whatever.
You set me up.
What was the other one?
Crumbly plates?
Struggle plates. Struggle up. Yeah. What was the other one? Crumbly plates? Struggle plates.
Struggle plates?
Yeah.
Oh, I thought you meant DJ Touchy Fingers.
Finger hands.
Yeah.
DJ Finger Hands.
In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.
If you would like to call us, our phone number is 206-339-8328.
Hi, Dave and Graham.
This is Lindsay calling from New York with an overheard.
I just walked into a Spirit Halloween store where a kid who is greeting customers,
probably a 12-year-old, stated,
Welcome to Spirit Halloween, where kids have axes.
Thanks.
Where kids have axes?
Yeah, I don't know if it was a pun,
like access.
Also, I don't know why a 12-year-old
is working as a greeter anywhere.
Welcome!
I was born
in the 21st century.
That greeting doesn't sound complete.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, where kids can... Where kids have axes.
I'm going to leave.
I'm going to leave this store.
I don't think that's right.
This is a thing that happens...
I feel like it's a fairly localized phenomenon here
where we have costume stores that spring up everywhere
and kind
of abandon storefronts.
Yeah.
And fireworks stores, which just sell...
The fireworks ones, I feel like there are costume stores that are...
I actually don't know if they're temporary costume stores.
There's definitely a temporary Halloween store just down the street from where I live because it's just
because I guess you could just
buy a bunch of costumes, right?
From the wholesaler or whatever.
Yeah.
Funky Future Gandhi.
Yeah.
Zebra with a green mustache.
What do you think is going to be
the most overdone costume this year?
Oh, boy.
Probably Walter White.
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe Miley Cyrus. Something twerking. Oh, that'd be Walter White. Oh, I don't know. Maybe Miley Cyrus.
Something twerking. Oh, that'd be fun.
That'd be a fun couples costume if one of them
went as a wrecking ball and then the other one was
Miley Cyrus riding around on the shoulders.
Maybe a cronut. Someone goes as a cronut.
What's a cronut? A croissant donut.
Oh. These are very trendy things.
Don't think I've ever had one.
Oh, you wouldn't. Have they made their way up here?
To the Pacific North and South?
Yeah, you know what?
Not the real ones.
No.
Where do you get them?
New York?
Yeah.
You've got to wait in line.
I don't like it.
Oh, wait, no.
Communist Russia.
Here's your next phone call.
Hey, Dave Graham and awesome guest.
This is Adam from Abbotsford, and I'm calling him with an overheard.
A couple days ago, I was just working at a local gym when a father and his kid walked in,
and they were talking about food.
The kid was talking about spaghetti and how much he likes the ingredients of spaghetti,
especially when there are meatballs.
And they continued to go into the gym.
As they left, the kid turned to the dad and said, all right, that's cool, dad.
And what's your 25th favorite food?
I don't know.
I got spaghetti again.
I could probably come up with my 25 favorite foods, but I don't think I could rank them.
Kids want you to.
They want you to have everything squared away at that point in their life.
They want you to have thought about this.
Yeah.
How mad.
How much patience.
I wonder when the dad lost it.
Probably never.
This is his day with the kid.
Dad, what are we going to do today?
Well, I'm going to list my 25 favorite foods for you.
Maybe it was the dad's idea.
And he got into like 12 foods and the kid was like, can we fast forward to 25 now?
Yeah, that's how it is.
Well, dad, that's cool.
Let's do it is. Well, Dad, that's cool. When's your 25th?
I think that maybe if I had to be around a kid, that would be what I'd do.
I'd just ask that kid that question.
Because I feel like it's a leading question.
They don't actually care.
They just want you to ask, what's your 25th?
So just I'd be like, list me your favorite 20 animals.
And then after they've done that, list your 20 favorite cities.
So do you think his dad
got to 25 foods
before he realized
that the kid just wants...
Like the kid wants to talk
about his one favorite food?
Yeah, now ask me.
Dad eats ice cream.
He's waiting for the hint.
Oh, it is ice cream.
He's waiting for that lead in.
Like, come on, Dad.
I gave you 24.
Yeah.
Just ask me what the dad's doing pull-downs.
Yeah, I can't 20.
Watch me work out while I talk about food.
I'm weird.
Chicken cattrazzini.
Enchilada casserole.
I've never tried beef wellington, but I do might like it.
Because probably... Yeah. Yeah. I've never tried beef wellington but I still might like it yeah yeah
yeah
when you're doing the workout circuit
make sure you list your favorite food for each
device that you use
is that what they call them devices
I don't go to the gym a lot
I haven't been at a gym in years
yeah
and it shows
since it was part of your curriculum I haven't been at a gym in years. Yeah. Yeah. And it chose.
Since it was part of your curriculum.
Yeah, exactly.
What I still call it a gym day.
When you wore gym strip.
Here is your final overheard of the week.
Oh, hooray. Your 25th favorite overheard of the week.
Hello, Dave and Graham, and hopefully above average guests. My name is Adam
from Evansville, Indiana. Call me when you're
overheard. The other day at work,
I was in a meeting, and a guy from
Cross for me could not stay awake.
I kept dozing off, and when the meeting was over,
finally, the guy sitting next to me,
Bobby, spoke up and said,
Josh, you're really, really
tired. What are you, a necrophiliac?
A what? Necrophiliac? A what?
Necrophiliac?
Yeah.
Yeah, I was up all night.
I mean, it sucks with a corpse.
So tired.
You can only do it at night.
What did he mean?
Narcoleptic.
Narcoleptic, yeah.
I was like, hemophiliac?
Nope.
Necromancer?
What are you, a Dracula?
Yeah.
Did he mean that?
What are you, Adrian?
Also, maybe you try to get some more sleep.
Like, you shouldn't be falling asleep at work.
It is affecting your performance.
People are noticing.
I don't know how you don't fall asleep at work.
It's just so tempting.
Everything's so quiet.
You're so bored.
Yeah.
Well, I used to work in a law office, like, in summers between college.
And there were these guys that were like the worst.
I'm talking about these guys who wanted to invite me.
Like, oh, Dave, you want to come see? It was the year that the first Fast and the Furious came out.
And they're like, we're seeing it on opening weekend before it gets banned.
Yeah, it's a dangerous movie.
And one of the guys got fired
because he kept falling asleep
at a desk
and would make himself cozy.
Like I said,
I don't know how it doesn't happen more often.
When I show up at a place
where they have
not a secretary,
what do you call it that sits in the front receptionist
i'm surprised that those people aren't always asleep when i show up like or security guards
that are sitting at a desk like whenever they're awake i'm like you should get a raise yeah because
this is like the perfect job to be asleep at sitting in a cozy chair nothing's happening
just dozing off wearing Wearing glasses with eyes on.
Yeah, yeah.
That would be so funny if you went in and you woke them up,
but they kept the glasses on,
and then they just have crazy cartoon eyes that don't blink.
Do you ever see poker on TV,
and all the guys are wearing sunglasses?
Sunglasses and hoodies, right?
Yeah, that's because poker is so boring that they fall asleep.
They're all asleep.
He's so patient. Yeah, everybody's whispering.
Somebody speak louder so people don't fall asleep.
He's waiting for the perfect hand.
Like a cobra.
It's a cobra.
The cobra's ready to strangle.
Oh no, he's falling asleep.
Oh no, the cobra's on the floor.
He's curled up like a cobra. He's all in. He's falling right out of his chair. Oh no, the cobra's on the floor. He's curled up like a cobra.
He goes, he's all in.
Oh, he just knocked over his chair.
He's falling asleep on his chips.
And wait for the flop, and his head is flopped off the ground.
What is he?
A necrophilia?
He's a necrophilia.
A fucking girl with bad people.
Doing it for us.
So that brings us to the end of this here episode.
Now, Dino, thank you for being our guest.
Thank you for having me.
This is awesome.
The most fun you've ever had.
Yes.
Since the club.
And tonight's club.
Yeah.
It was a nice sandwich between club nights.
With the meat in your club sandwich.
Well, toothpicks.
If people want to find out more about you, find you online, where should they go?
Facebook.
I still have plenty of space for friends.
My space is a place for friends.
So Dino Archie.
And same thing on Instagram and Twitter Twitter I don't tweet too much but
I put some stuff out there for shows
you produce shows
I do produce shows
and you're working on something
I'm working on something with you buddy
yeah yeah
I did a show at the Vogue Theater
last year
with Ivan Decker, Dave
Rahaj, and my buddy Brent Morin.
And I mean, none of us were draws
individuals, so I just did this
Van City Summer Extravaganza thing.
We got like 700 people out.
Nice. It's crazy. And so I want to do
another one again. I have
Graham has agreed to
do it, which I'm so excited about. Ivan again
and another person. So I'm going to have another.
A mystery.
Just let's give it a mystery.
Yeah, give them a little something to ask about.
Could be Jason.
Yeah.
Could be Lena.
Yeah, could be Lena.
The Jason of late night.
So that's going to be in January.
So, yeah, if anyone wants to follow me on Twitter or Facebook.
At Dino Archie.
At Dino Archie.
D-I-N-O-A-R-C-H-I-E.
Cool.
I'm doing that.
I'm headlining the mix on New Year's.
That's the only thing.
New Year's Eve?
New Year's Eve.
Well, what if it's New Year's Day?
Nobody's going to show up for that.
That's it.
Headlining on New Year's Eve.
That's fantastic.
Headlining on New Year's Eve.
And then that other show will be in January.
So it's going to be awesome like we all
do like 25 no you don't get sick of anyone it's yeah it's like way comedy should be crazy uh kings
of comedy type thing it's gonna be fun cool yeah well thanks for being our guest thank you for
having this is awesome man dave anything we got a plug uh i don't think we do do we not really
okay i don't think so i mean uh yeah are you now now you scared me no really. Okay. I don't think so. I mean, uh, yeah.
Now you scared me. No, no.
I'm scared. No, Dave, don't be
scared. I'm scared. No, don't be scared!
Head over to MaximumFun.org
to read.
Look at a recap of this episode.
Yeah, pictures and videos, maybe.
Now that I say it out loud, I'm
wondering. I'm wonderling.
Why even bother? Pictures of Jason, videos maybe now that i say it out loud i'm wondering i'm wonderling pictures of jason maybe yeah a picture of jason yeah oh no probably pictures yeah
did he ever go into a photo booth and take four fun pictures yeah on the last one he's holding
somebody's head the person who was in there originally yeah pictures and videos of what else do we uh dino's got a picture of pizza with just hot dogs oh yeah oh yeah i'll post uh one of those
uh crumble plates oh yeah oh yeah that should be on crumble plate this is trouble yeah trundle plates
um and if you uh if you like the show, don't be shy.
Go over to iTunes and say that, hey, I like the show.
Yeah, don't hide our light under your weird eye bushel.
And if you want to get in touch with us, it's spy at maximumfun.org or 206-339-8328.
And if you like the show,
tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode to stop
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