Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 301 - Charlie Demers

Episode Date: December 23, 2013

Charlie Demers returns for this holiday episode to talk babymaking, trendy foods, and guns. Then we do our annual Secret Santa exchange.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 301 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Kind of the holiday times episode. Yeah, you heard some jingle bells in the theme song. Yeah, and if you don't celebrate Christmas, you know, happy St. Patrick's Day.

Yeah. Happy 4th of July. Flag day. Let's see. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a guy who's uh brimming with holiday cheer mr dave show hi there it's so cold yeah oh the weather outside right okay yeah we're recording this in in the basement and it is like we don't uh run the heat all the time yeah because we live upstairs it's like like being in a curling rink. And it's also minus seven outside.

Too cold. Too cold for you. Toosie for you. Bumper stumper. Yeah, hashtag. And our guest today, one of our all-time favorites, one of the all-time greats. Yeah, we have him here. That's right, everybody

Ed McMahon You are correct, sir Mr. Charlie Demers is our guest Hello Welcome Thank you for having me Thanks for coming back For Christmas

Yeah, and the reason we have you is twofold. One is it's Christmas. We like to have a favorite. Last year we had Alicia Tobin. That's right. The year before, Baron Vaughn. Yep, Baron Vaughn. Who we met once.

But it's favorable. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. And the other reason is you're on the verge of becoming a father and we fear we'll never see you again. Yeah, we were like, we gotta get us a soak in the Charlie. I don't have time for podcasts. Come on.

That's a new character I'm working on called Vampy Gay Dad. Vampy Gay Condescending Dad. What does vampy mean? Well, if you push me to define it. But it was in the voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

You're in the clear. He's just really condescending, but also really vampy. Got no reflection. He's very vain, but can't see himself. It's the worst. Oh, you're feeding with formula. That's the kind of stuff he says. Oh, man. Okay, let's get to Dallas. with formula. That's the kind of stuff he says.

Oh, man. Okay, let's get to that. Now, Charlie, this is going to be oodles of stuff that's been going on. You're right in the... How many oodles? It's five pounds, seven oodles. We are...

Why did I go for such a low oodle weight? Low oodle weight, really. You're punching above your oodle weight. We had some premature oodles. Kids with low oodle weights really have a tough time getting started in life. No, it's,

yeah, so this episode, you say it comes out on, you say, you also say comes out on... You say. You also say that Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy by himself. But you say... Well, he did by himself. Wait, what's the theory with him? The theory is that he was getting shoulder rubs. Shoulder rubs from the mafia to make him a better shot.

Castro was behind him. him literally you're doing a great job uh so this will come out on uh december 23rd 23rd and my uh child is scheduled to come out on december 22nd that's the due date and when are you scheduled to come out? Vampy gay dad Oh, you're not co-sleeping? What is co-sleeping? It's where you sleep with the kid Oh Yeah

That just sounds like sleeping No, you know In a papoose In a giant papoose What's a papoose? A papoose? It's like a giant pupus. What's a pupus? A pupus? It's like a Salvadoran flatbread. Oh, a pupusa.

Okay. Because I was going to say, is that what pupusa comes from? No, a pupus is the way you kind of strap the baby to you. Yeah, it's like a fabric that you use. Oh, so it probably is the same root word because pupusa is kind of like a pocket of meat and cheese and beans. Which is basically what a baby is.

Yeah. So, you've been learning all this stuff about... Because you've been going like... What did you go to? Yeah, we did a, like, this is the, we're kind of prepping. And we've been trying not to over prep because both, Kara, not so much. But me, especially, I have a tendency towards anxiety.

And really, like, a lot of this stuff is just, like, you learn enough to be super anxious about. Yeah. Yeah. And we both came out of the prenatal. We did like a weekend prenatal course, like way more keyed up and anxious than when we went in. But so we recently, we did a tour of the hospital, of the maternity ward where we're having the baby. Oh, wow. Oh, you're not doing a home birth?

Okay. Says Vampigay Dad. Vampigay Dad is now my, like... It's like your conscience? Yeah, he's my... He's over one shoulder. He's my condescending conscience. Like a martini club. Yeah, he'll be there every time I

do something. A plastic toy. I bet baby loves that. Just whenever I do something, he'll be there. You're only supposed to give babies toys made out of wood. Placenta. Yeah, musks. Just like those pillows.

Yeah. We're naming our kid Buckwheat. Okay, cool. So we went to the hospital. And we did, it's like, you know, 10 other pregnant couples. You have to meet before you die. Is it a BuzzFeed list? The other amazing thing is like, because they're like, oh, who's expecting when or whatever.

And everything that we've done where there's other couples, they're always expecting way after us. We look at each other like, deadbeat again. We did the prenatal course. It's like, who's having babies this month? And Kara and I are the only ones to raise our hand. And then it's like, and who in April? And then. And everyone else has them registered for preschool.

Yeah. They're like, we're thinking about dating. This is our first date. We're on blind date right now. Yeah. So we went to the hospital and it says there's like maybe 10 other couples. And the weird thing for like a comedian in like these situations, you know how you have a natural tendency towards irony, right? And to make fun of whatever you're doing.

And it's fine when you're around other comedians. And I found this like working on the play too. Like we're just so much more cynical than theater people. It's fine when you're around other comedians. And I found this working on the play, too. Yeah. We're just so much more cynical than theater people. Yeah, and you're climatized to dick jokes. Yeah. You know what I mean? You just say horrible things. Yeah.

But yeah, John Q. Public is not accustomed to. They're like, whoa. What are you, drunk? Yeah. So we get on the – there was like – it was a big enough group that they had to have two elevators. So one elevator goes up and then there's a whole bunch of people pile into the other elevator. And then Kara, my wife, holds up the whole process. She goes to the pop machine or whatever to get a bottle of water.

Right. And I'm like, you know, a little embarrassed because we're holding up the whole tour. So I turn to everybody else and I'm like, I'm sorry, my wife's pregnant. And I get 100% nothing. Like, just absolutely nothing. And so now I'm standing in the elevator with these guys. And all I can think of is, like, one. Well, I need to tweet that so somebody can tell me, is that funny?

Because I thought it was hilarious. It is very funny. There's too many characters. funny because i thought it was hilarious it is very funny too many characters and then uh i was um like just trying to think of well i gotta get these guys back yeah and so i get i got him back we were in the delivery room and the nurse was like oh this is the laughing gas and and you know this will help you uh dissociate from what's going on. And I said, well, will we get to try that tonight? And right back in. Everybody's like, oh, well, drug stuff.

Sure. Yeah. Classic comedy audience. Real Cheech and Chong. I mean. They're a real bridge and tunnel crowd. Exactly. You guys going to club after this?

So there's a stag ant. this so there's a stag ant so is that really a thing that laughing gas for uh oh yeah they put it on the vagina we both just uh deflated a tire yeah um yeah no they it is laughing gas. And they say a lot of moms really like it because, like, if they haven't had anything to drink in a while, like, it's their first intoxication. I think everyone likes it. I've never had it. I've had it at the dentist. You've had, like, your teeth pulled? Yeah. Yep.

In movies, it's, like, something that they put in just a routine dental visit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it also doesn't... I'm going to put a fluoride cap on your upper... So just... Also, I don't think it makes you laugh. Like, I don't think that... No, it makes people laugh at you, I think.

Because you're so out of it and it doesn't get rid of the pain but it's like it uh they kept saying it like it dissociates you from the pain so like you you're like that guy's in a lot of pain yeah like you hurt but you don't care like you know when you're drunk? Yeah. Like, really drunk and you hurt yourself? Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. I get this whole baby thing. You feel it, but you don't care so much? You're like, oh, I hurt so much. So apparently that's what laughing gas is like. You're a drunk voice. I love it. Yeah.

That's the guy on the other side from Vampy Condescending. Just keep it down over there. You're doing great, bro. They're both wearing devil costumes. So, this is always in Hollywood movies and stuff. Did you go to a Lamaze class? We didn't go to a Lamaze class, but we went to like a prenatal class.

I don't think they do exclusively Lamaze anymore. No? You don't just go... Well, there's a 24 Hours of Lamaze. I don't know what that means. Auto racing reference. Oh, boy! I still don't... The 24 Hours of

Lamaze. Gotcha. Nice. I still don't. What is... The 24 Hours of Le Mans. Oh, gotcha. Yeah. Nice. I'm just going to Google that to make sure I didn't make it up. So we went to a prenatal course. So what do you learn in the prenatal course? You learn a lot. Like you go in and they kind of cover from You Were Right.

Yeah. I'm getting a thumbs up from the booth. You go and you learn. So it's two and a half days. And so like Saturday you do from, you know, early, you do like they go through all the stages of labor. Okay. And the stages of labor. Denial.

Yeah. Hysterical pregnancy. Depression. No C-antibody. Yeah. Water breaking. But they do like... And it's funny because the stages are like early labor, active labor, delivery of the

baby, delivery of the placenta. Oh, yeah. Which is just the greatest anti-climax in... Yeah. As far as final act. As far as sequels go. It's like, ooh, big script troubles. Ooh, you sure we want to end on the giant pulsating scab?

So you can have a photo where your wife's holding the baby and you're holding the placenta. No, I'm going to hold the placenta like in a fishing trophy photo. It's full of nutrients. Oh, wow. So you cover that and it's mostly like it's taught by a doula. So it's a very kind of doula ish kind of like they teach you oh here are some positions and then like you get on the floor and do positions and like here half Nelson yeah helps dilation and so

you do all that and then what how did the And then we went right up to – we covered everything like right up to cesarean birth on the first day. And then we started with cesarean birth on the second day, finish up with delivery stuff. And then it goes into like how do you – Solve a problem like Maria. Yeah. And how do you climb every mountain? I don't know. What do you do if singing Nazis go up?

Try to take your baby? I don't think the Nazis sing, do they? Yeah, the one kid does. Oh, yeah, Rolf. Yeah, and I asked, you know, what should I do when my daughter is 16 going on 17? So what should I do when my daughter is 16 going on 17? By the way, I've never seen The Sound of Music until I watched the live version this week with Carrie Underwood. Oh, wow.

That's the way to see it. That's the definitive version. I skipped the middle, though. That's the placenta act. Of that particular one yeah that was the worst whoopi goldberg movie placenta act placenta act two had lauren hill absolutely scabulous That's the blurb. Just three dudes laughing about placentas. One of whom seemed to know what one is. We are going to get so many angry

doula emails. And then we just kind of covered stuff like car seats and diapers. And we didn't change any. But we had dolls. Right.

The doula wasn't like, change my diaper. And then the Monday night was like a breastfeeding seminar. Ah. Yeah. How does – because I always see them in movies or TV shows as a punchline, the breast pump. I have no idea how that works. Does it actually make – what does it do? We didn't get in the breast pump.

From what I've seen of them, they suction onto the breast. And if you're having trouble with the baby getting the milk itself. It, like, pulls out milk? It kind of, it does, it's called expressed breast milk. Because the whole seminar started off with, like, this trick question where they're like, the World Health Organization says that there are four best ways, ranked in order, of how do you feed, what should you feed an infant? A problem like Maria. What should you feed a problem like Maria? Nazi oodles.

So she, so the obvious is you go, okay, breast milk. Yeah. Okay. Yep. That's number one. What are the others? Oh. And then nobody wants to say it because it's fucking, oh, sorry.

I'm really kind of blue. Yeah, that's all right. Like, nobody wants to say it because it's just. Knuckle sandwich. Yeah. No, but, like, honestly, people treat, like, formula as though it's worse than punching a baby in the face. Really? Yeah, like, there's a lot of really judgmental stuff that happens in these classes.

And it's all like passively judgmental because they all pretend like, you know, whatever choice you make. But Brass Mill cures every disease and formula is made from the bones of war dead. But so they're like, okay okay so what are the other three and then finally someone goes well um formula and she's like yep that's number four so what are two and three and it's just different kinds of breast milk like so what do you mean different kinds so expressed breast milk like what I just said with the pump. Right. Where you breast milk into a bottle and then...

I don't think the verb is breast milking. Uh-huh. You put breast milk into a bottle and then feed it. Yeah. Or, you know, some other spoons they talked about. Like, it doesn't have to be a bottle. Sure. And then the other was... Just if you want a little bit't have to be a bottle. Sure. And then the other was...

Just if you want a little bit to come out at a time. Yeah. And then the other was donated breast milk. Oh, from a... So, like, a breast milk bank. Which is also expressed, I assume. Yes. Yeah.

Huh. So, yeah, so... Or, I guess, if you have a wet nurse. Sure. Now, what is that? Is that a person that you pay to feed your baby? Someone on Craigslist is like, guess what? I lactate all the time for no reason.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm turning a negative into a positive. Ooh, what about lactate? Is that a formula? What about Ensure? Yeah, Boost, they said. Kids love Boost. Selma Hayek, she was like in a...

Oh, she breastfed some African baby or something? Like she was doing kind of... Some strange baby, yeah. Yeah, like just a stranger kid. I was like, oh, I didn't realize that like, I don't know. I don't know how breasts work at all. So I don't know. You know?

I didn't know that you could just do that. Well, did she have a baby at the time that she was breastfeeding? I assume so. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I didn't know that, like, I didn't know the concept of a wet nurse. I think I only learned within the last year. Yeah.

You just thought it was like a nurse who had a prank played on them. Or like the coach nurse after a big medical procedure. They pour Gatorade on her. We did it! They pour formula on her. Yeah. But, yeah, so the classes were interesting. I mean, they were like...

Would you do the classes if you weren't having a baby? That says a lot. It was... They were like... I mean, I talked about it on stage the other night, and Dave was there, so I don't feel like I want to just completely recycle. But it was like, you know, there's this whole kind of... There's a real emphasis on, like, you know, there's this whole kind of, there's a real emphasis on like instinct.

Right. Which, as I said, is like an odd theme to hit on in a three-day course that is not free. But like, they're just like, at the very end of the course, remember, just do what feels natural. Yeah, exactly. Whatever works. If it feels like you have to go to the bathroom really bad, it might be do what feels natural. Yeah, exactly. Whatever works. If it feels like you have to go to the bathroom really bad, it might be a baby coming out. Just follow your gut. Yeah.

And there's a lot of talk about, like, oh, you know, your body knew how to grow this baby. It knows how to deliver it. Sure. And what? Except that every woman in history died in childbirth. baby it knows how to deliver it sure and what except that's the number one killer of women died in childbirth right like there's no there's also a ton of things that the human body grows and then doesn't know what to do with it your body grew this tumor it'll know what to do it knows how to radiate it um so i mean it's like and you can

see the thing that i mean it would be harmless except that you can see the the mothers in the class are like their faces are in these rictuses of despair rick like rick die of despair because uh they're suddenly terrified well because they're just, I hope I don't let down my baby by having to have an emergency C-section. Yeah, right. So they'll talk about a cesarean. Is it named after Cesar Millan? The dog whisperer. Yeah.

We're going to cut this baby out. I've tried dog. It was named after Caesar? I don't know. I guess. Did Caesar come out of one? Yeah, I guess. I have no idea.

It was Caesar Romero. Yeah. Yeah. He had that dumb mustache. Um, uh, but I don't know. So it's like, and then there's just things like, uh. Julius Cesar Romero. They'll say.

No, I figured. I figured. He's still the go-to Cesar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, like if I, if you say, oh, you know, Roseanne. No, he goes, oh, Arquette? Yeah. No.

Is there a Roseanne Arquette? That's Roseanne now. Roseanne Arquette. Who's another Roseanne? Cash. Roseanne Cash. That's who I should have gone for. Roseanne is Roseanne.

Yeah. Yeah. She really did, because she was Roseanne Barr forever, and then she just dropped it. Just Roseanne. Well, she was Roseanne Arnold. She was Roseanne Barr, then Roseanne Arnold, and then just Roseanne. Then Barnacle. Yeah.

Roseanne Barr, then Roseanne Arnold, and then just Roseanne. Then Barnacle. Yeah. Roseanne Barnacle. That was during her, after the divorce, when she was krill. Yeah. So the idea of, like, having to have a C-section or something is, that's a very upsetting idea. Like, everything is presented as like and hey you know like no one's judging but you know this is what happens if you do this right and the whole thing is like because from a doula perspective they want you to not they want you to stay out of the hospital as long as possible because they figure if you get in there early

then you start getting medical interventions and there's a cascade effect with medical interventions. Like as soon as you have one, it's more likely that you'll have others. Right. So like when you have an epidural, I think it becomes then more likely that you'll have to have a cesarean section because you can't, you don't have the same kind of pushing abilities or pushing instinct and epidural is a pain thing that goes in your spine in your spine jeez the original spinal it's wow it's uh yep yeah it's it's like sounds very complex but uh you are were there people in the room that are designed to do a home birth because that's very that's very hip that's very now yeah that's very now that's very of the you need to have a lot of room you need to have a big bathroom yeah a lot of towels yeah towels

and it's this weird kind of confluence of like there's the hippie people who rent a bigger house to do it? They do have places where you can go and do that. Who can they do it in that float house? No. What was that place? Float house. Yeah, but what was it?

The sensory deprivation thing? No, no. You need your senses about you, Dave. Sounds to me like they're trying to numb you with these epididymitas. There's places that I think you can go. Yeah, our place. I mean, we've been trying to get people into our place. To have kids.

We've got a kiddie pool. You've got an adult Craigslist. It's probably just me in the living room, filling the pool with the hose. We just have a stand-up shower. Is that all right? Pool with, like with the outdoor hose? I mean, we have friends that have done home births, and they went well. The hot tub at the YMCA.

There's all sorts of great options. But we feel comfortable going to a hospital. It seems... Yeah, like the... Because Erica Sigurdsson was on the show the last time. She was a participant in a. Home birth, that's right. Yeah, a home birth, and it sounded very.

Against her will. Yeah, yeah. She was trying to sell me on home birth at the Halifax Comedy Festival, which is like a week after I had found out that we were pregnant. Right. And I couldn't say anything to anyone. So she's like, you know, if and when you guys do blah, blah, blah. And she's like, sell me on home birth. And in my mind, I was like, if only I could tell you that one, we are having a baby.

Two, we are never having a home birth. But, you know, to each their own. That's the thing, right? It's like everyone. Look, we're not judging you. It's the most, it's the like, waiting for a baby is like the simultaneous, it's the most exciting time in your life. And just the most boring because everyone just says the exact same shit to you all the time. They tell you what they did, like you care in the least they tell you what you should do but it's never they never have the like balls to come out and just say like you should do

this it's always in this kind of passive aggressively judgmental like we did well so what worked for us they told me not just lie and say, no, I have a dozen kids with different women. I mean, I've never been there for the birds. But it's been alright. They let me know by email. Oh, we got a few home birds. A lot of bus birds. But it's, you know,

it's one of those things where it's not any one person, but it's just like the weight of like the ten thousandth guy. Stuck up on sleep now. And then he's like, do you know how boring you are? Like how boring people actually care. They're just making conversation. That's the other thing so i wish we as a society could just both save ourselves the trouble of like you don't feel like you need to tell me anything about baby i'll not be mad that you didn't

mad about baby because then the other thing is like every of these things ends with they go but you know yeah yeah yeah what will happen to you will with they go. But, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What will happen to you will happen to you. And what will, you know, your baby will be three weeks early and ours will be nine days late. Yeah. And your baby will sleep and ours will cry. And like, so like, there's no, I mean, it's like I was talking about it with Brad McNeil, who is also doing the show. And there's no – I mean, it's like I was talking about it with Brad McNeil, who is also doing the show.

And he was just like – he's like, yeah, if you have three babies, you have four different experiences. So there's no – whatchamacallit? There's no control group to anyone. Why is there a fourth experience? Well, there's the experience of not having a baby. So that's the first experience. I've been having that for years. But there's – no one's got a control group. So they'll say, well, what worked for us?

And it's like, well, who cares? Yeah, compared to... Yeah. You have no sense of like... Yeah. Like, what does it mean for you to prefer a home birth as opposed to your nine other kids that you had in hospital, on the bus, as Dave said. In a field.

Yeah. So it's really irritating. Has anyone ever had a baby while falling out of an airplane? Yes. I mean, with parachutes, but during free fall? Yeah, yeah. And you adjust your own parachute first. The placenta is like the baby's parachute.

Howard Hughes was born He was obsessed with airplanes He didn't know why His parents never told him You've seen Luke Hughes talking It also feels like when a woman's pregnant That it feels like it's simultaneously like a very private matter that everybody feels completely comfortable talking, bringing up and talking about.

It's such a contradictory experience, right? Because on the one hand, it's like, it's this miraculous and magical thing. On the other hand, it's like, literally everyone you've ever met, at least their parents, did it. It's not special in a cosmic sense remotely. It's very special to you and to the people in your life. It's surely the biggest thing that happened to Kara and I. And it'll have these seismic changes in our lives. But it's like in the scheme of things, everyone's...

I mean, it's like Ivan Decker's joke about, you know, you can have kids by accident. I've never accidentally made Nanaimo bars. Like, it's so... So, you know, it's just one of these things where just like the whole time you're pregnant, for the mother, it's just people talk about your body like with zero compunction. You're sure fat or like you're so little. Yeah. They just – they drop all – Cara hasn't had much like non-permitted touching.

But a lot of women get that where people just grab their stomach because there's a baby in there you're not gonna let me touch the baby i know that let me touch you look the baby through your stomach and then for dad it's just like this like mountain of passive aggressive slightly resent. And I also feel like as a comedian. And so like people kind of let you know that they kind of think your life's just cake. They're like, no more getting up at 11. You know, like when I get up at 11. Yeah.

It's because I was working until midnight. Right. That's not like people think. Why do you need 11 hours sleep? I'll take it while you can get it. But there's like an assumption that it's like like every you are every like bad stereotype. Yeah. No more cigar nights with the boys.

But also if you work nine to five, you don't go to sleep at 5 p.m. Well, good night, everybody. Just crawl up on top of the desk. Some days. Yeah. I've had bad days where I'm like, oh, it's pajama time. Yeah. So, like, there's just this, like, in addition to the regular stuff, I feel like there's a bunch of people letting me know in this kind of indirect way how seriously they take my life and work.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, exactly. They're like, whoa, boy, are you in for a change. And then they'll challenge you on things that are non-debatable. People will be like, oh, man, it's going to be tough. You're not going to have a lot of sleep and i say yep that's true i mean i in on the one hand i have it a little easier than most people because i don't have to be anywhere right at a set time in the

morning so you know if it is interrupted sleep i can still kind of just get a lot of it or or try and you know yeah yeah yeah and then i'll. There's so much I'd like to tell you, but you'll learn. And it's like, I'm sorry, what is uncontroversial? What is controversial about the statement? Like, if you have to be somewhere at nine. Yeah. Non-flexibly, that that is not an objectively more difficult situation than... Well, I'd like to tell you.

You're so naive, young man. Young Padawan. So they love it. So, you know, it's interesting. I'm sorry, this is not particularly funny. No, I think it is. It's just very venti. Because it's like, it's this, it feels like it's like a thing where you're like, yeah, regardless of your opinion, I'm doing this anyways.

Yes. But it's like nobody, it feels like for the guys, nobody wants to hear their opinions about having kids. Yeah. And so they're like, here's somebody who has to listen because they're coming into the club. So they have to, because their friends that don't have kids are like i don't want to hear i don't hear about this also you know people who have kids you you sort of have an idea of like oh yeah you you have to go to a lot more uh birthday parties yeah you have to go to everyone's birthday party now yeah and you kind of like yeah the sleep thing is like that's

but i'm not a dad you're not a dad we we all know that from film yes or logic like i'm just like oh yeah well uh anyway i mean it's just it's very dumb it's like uh uh but yeah everybody i had something that i was gonna say and i I lost it. I think it's all very – it's very – it's interesting because – I don't remember. What? Go ahead. No, sorry. No, no, no.

I meant to think that. I mean it's like – I think what I was going to say was it's like a previous generations, like before you would have a kid, you had like – you had gone maybe and fought in a war or you had worked some perilous industrial job or you'd gone through all these – both men and women gone through all this crazy stuff. You were settling a country. Yeah, so then you have this kid, and it's like, oh, well, here's another slightly difficult thing in a long line of much more difficult. But isn't it like, I mean, how recent was, like, in the last couple of hundred years it must have been, before that, every child was an accident. You know what I mean? Right. Like,

no one really sat down and planned it when they were fending off wolves. That's true. Like, oh great, another thing to carry around from the wolves.

Another mouth to not feed to the wolves. Yeah. So, it's, but this is like, for us,

like, what year do we think was the first person who was in an accident born? it. But this is like... What year do we think was the first person who was in an accident born? Like 1800? I guess there were maybe royalty where they were like, you gotta get a boy.

Henry VIII did a lot of prenatal planning. A lot of prenatal beheadings. Postnatal beheadings. Butnatal beheadings but we're not no one's gonna judge you no just do what's right for you yeah uh so we uh so non non-lineage based uh planning it's a good question. 1997? The grunge era. 97 was post-grunge. Oh, you're right.

That's true. I'm sorry, ma'am. You're going to have to remove that flannel shirt from around your waist. I will not. This is post-grunge. Please put on this Smash Mouth shirt. 97, big year for Smash Mouth. You'll have to feed this kid every morning when it wakes up and it's crying. Please put on this Smash Mouth shirt. 97, big year for Smash Mouth.

You'll have to feed this kid every morning when it wakes up and it's crying. Not yet written in 1997. No. And that was Sugar Ray. Yeah, no, I know that was Sugar Ray. Come on, what am I? Shut the door, Dula. Don't say a word.

When did Sugar Ray happen? 97 was when Fly came out. Ah. But Every Morning was on their follow-up album, 1459. It was a reference to their 15 minutes being over. And it never happened. They kept going strong. Probably the most prescient thing Sugar Ray ever did was predict their own demise. All the Ray heads were so...

They were like, wait a minute, what does this mean? That's kind of a dick move, though. It's like, even we know we're fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're buying this album. Wasn't one guy in the band like, I don't think we're done. Nope.

Check out the title of this album. The ugly drummer. It's just like this one handsome lead singer. He's like, guys, this band. I mean, we're cool. I'm probably going to go on and host an entertainment show or something. I'll be fine, guys. Don't cry for me, Sugarina.

Sugartina. Dave, what's going on with you, man? Not a heck of a lot. We're recording this on the 7th. A day that we're living in for me. Yep, it's true. So, good for you, Ben Affleck,

Kate Beckinsale, Cuba Gooding Jr. The whole gang. Show me the money. From us here at Pearl Harbor to your families around the world. Wishing you a happy Pearl Harbor Day. Had there not been a military attack on Pearl Harbor, how many

jewelry places in Hawaii do you think would have been named that? Like, if it were just a happy place. Pearl Harbor? That's a great name for a jewelry store. Yeah, absolutely. I think all of them. Every other one. It became a real pearl

horror. Oh, yeah. Never forget. Yeah, that's actually a great name for. Oh, yeah. I'll never forget. Yeah. That's actually a great name for like a Halloween themed jewelry store in Hawaii. So we're banking a few episodes because I'm heading away to Switzerland for Christmas. Yeah. How do you feel about it? Neutral?

I feel good about it. It's going to be cocoa, going to be cocoa, going to be gingerbread. It's going to be quaint. Oh, that's a fun Christmas. Yeah. Chalets.

That's a thing, right? Swiss chalet? Yeah. Nothing tastes as good as it. But this past week, it was my birthday. Yeah, that's right. On last Sunday.

The big 3-3. So much you don't know about being 33. It's so adorable watching you try and punch your way out of this paper bag. Welcome to the big leagues, bro. And there was one thing. I saw a poster for something happening on my birthday, and I did not go to it, but it was the most Vancouver thing imaginable. From 10 to 2 on December 1st, there was a kale drive. I saw that same poster.

Oh, my God. I was like, what is this, a yoga drug deal? Yeah. What's the most, kale drive beats anything. Yeah. Kale drive. So it was bring your kale. Bring your kale that you, I guess, have purchased.

Or grown. Or grown, sure. I don't know if it's in season, but maybe you have a greenhouse. Yeah, maybe you've pressed it. I think it's a hearty thing. I think it's one of those places that's grown in temperate. One of those vegetables is grown in, like, shitty places. Yeah. Because it's a thing that people like who want you to not, you know, fly in mangoes on private helicopters.

They have them dropped in your mouth. They're like, oh, eat kale instead. Yeah. Tastes just as good. Yeah. As delicious mango kale instead yeah tastes just as good yeah it's delicious mangoes the most delicious fruit imaginable you remember the koala springs orange kale yeah uh so i yeah so i did not go to that but apparently people were so how does it work you bring you bring in your kale and they freeze it i think okay it's quite hearty as i understand yeah or they may give it to mothers who can't produce their own kale yeah no i think it was for i think it was for uh space they're trying to send it to space no they were not trying yeah who was it for i think it was just the poor

sure who are now being forced to eat your kale. Oh, man. I wish I'd known about this thing. I would have picketed it. Yeah. Don't force our kale on the poor. They don't have it hard enough already. Forcing our kale on them?

Yeah. Would it kale you to take care of yourself? That was their slogan. I don't think I've... I think I had kale for the first time a couple weeks ago, and it was deep fried. It was in chip form. Well, kale's good. It's fine.

It's like spinach or whatever. It's not quite a spinach level of... Oh, really? You think spinach is a... I'd eat spinach more than... Yeah, I think it's... I could eat a handful of spinach. I think kale takes a little bit of work.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. Like prep wise. But as a thing that you eat, like it's all right. Yeah. It's not the worst. Yeah.

Somebody was telling me, the director of the play, actually, he was saying, sorry, I just said the play because like I talked about it last time I was on the show, but it's on right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah show, but it's on right now. Yeah, East Van Panto running until the 29th at the York Theatre in Vancouver. So it's still time to see it. Yeah, yeah. So it's still time to see it if you hear this. So anyway, it was opening night last night. But so we talked – anyway, I was talking to the director, and he was saying how like in France, they're trying to get people to eat kale. And they can't do it because it's associated with like wartime oh right privation it's like this is what we ate that's why the nazis were like

oh really so they're just like they're like this is not we're not gonna yeah yeah it's weird because it's one of these things it's one of these foods like pomegranate right that just like came out of nowhere it has a moment. Yeah, it's having its, because remember when just fucking yam fries were everywhere? Remember? Yeah. I'm going crazy for chipotle mayo. Remember when everything was kiwi-strawberry? Oh, yeah.

Remember, kiwi really had a real... Kiwi-strawberry really was a major flavor combination. Yeah, yeah. And then... Prior to that, it was always strawberry and banana. That's what they always teamed strawberry up with. How long has this been going on? Have there always been, like, sort of healthy ones?

Yeah, like pomegranate was, that was, what do they call it? Super food. Yeah. Right? And what's the other super food? Acai? Blueberries. Blueberries, I think, was one of the first where they're like, we're rebranding this fruit as this ultra-healthy...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, superfood. It doesn't have vegetables or vitamins or anything. It just has antioxidants. You'll never notice, but you'll feel better. Do cranberries not have vitamins? I don't think berries generally have vitamins. They have vitamin C.

But not like citrus. I've been eating a lot of berries. They didn't cover this in the prenatal? Me and the bears I've been hanging out with. I might be wrong, but I believe it's... You're going to get emails from the doula council and the berry council. I loved it. You had a tweet

about you asking uh care if she had a you know do we have any vitamin c because you felt like you were getting a cold and she told you to take prenatal vitamins you're so great sounds like a great tweet yeah she's pretty cool yeah she's like they tell that taught us about this thing called oxytocin, which is the love hormone. It's like a hormone that makes you feel warmth and love for both the father and the baby. And so whenever she's- No more oxy-cotton. Oxytocin is my-

Oxytocin, whatever you said. Yeah. So whenever she's mad at me, she goes, my oxytocin levels are getting very low. Yes. She's very low. Yes. She's pretty good. Yeah. Pretty great. But, like, in the 80s, it was just, like, the only, like, hot food was, you know, double

stuff Oreos. Bran muffins were big. Oh, yeah. Bran. That was the big health food. And avocado. Fat-free yogurt. Yeah. Like, there was a bunch of, like, this is yeah, yeah. That was the big health food. And avocado. Fat-free yogurt. Yeah, like there was a bunch of like, this is just fucking it.

This is all you should be eating. Seven avocados a day. And with a strawberry banana chaser. With cream cheese on it. Yeah. Or cottage. Yeah, oh, cottage cheese. Oh, cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese and whatever fruit oh yeah eat it out of a cantaloupe oh yeah you would never have that anyway at your bachelor party I don't get

what I'm doing this isn't anatomically anything but I didn't go to the the kale drive the kale drive but I had

next year I had an even more Vancouver-y thing happen to me But I didn't go to the... The Kale Drive. The Kale Drive. Next year. I had an even more Vancouver-y thing happen to me. While the Kale Drive was going on, I decided not to go to it. I went to Whole Foods to get some stuff to make my birthday dinner for myself. And at Whole Foods, I saw a female Buddhist monk. That's a pretty Buddhist monk. Oh. That's a pretty Vancouver-y thing. Yeah.

Did she have the head shaved? Shaved, yeah. Wow. I assume a Buddhist monk. She was wearing, you know. Toga. Toga. Oh, she's just on a way to the lady in robes.

Burgundy toga. Yeah. With mustard accents. She might have just spilled some ketchup and mustard. Burgundy ketchup. That's Whole Foods. They've got very fine... It's rich people ketchup.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, so you've really had a time. Yeah, Diddy runs this city. Why the birthday week? Yeah. Pig. Yeah.

Big ups. Graham, how about yourself? Well, on my way here today, today is December... 7th. 7th. Infamy. Also famous, because I remember this happening last year, the gun store that is not far from here.

Reliable Gun. Reliable Gun. Has an annual... You're an upcoming father. You've been there. You've purchased your weapons. Well, I always shopped at Unreliable Guns. Just the clip keeps falling.

Why does this keep shooting backwards? It's Unreliable Guns. A flag came out of it that said, boom. A Reliable Gun's right across the street from the Bible store. That's correct. So you go, buy your gun, then buy a Bible, just in case you accidentally shoot yourself in the heart. You've got a Bible in your pockets. Yeah, the neighborhood I live in is Little Alabama.

Yeah. Little Alabama. The Grits District. A CCR tribute band plays weekly. So every year there's a huge gun sale that happens at Reliable Gun. So huge that they rent... They call it Red Friday. They rent those heat patio heat lamps and they have a-potty set up because there's a lineup.

Those patio heat lamps, they were the stars. But the line all the way down the block. And the line isn't just single people. It's groups of guys. Oh, yeah, sure. And it's crazy because there's people going in, and at the same time, there's just, like, a line of people walking out with these giant cardboard boxes. And they're all guns. Yeah, there must be for their sons.

We'll shoot their eyes out. So that's happening today. Is the BB gun still a consumer option? Yeah. Oh, well, not from, I think you would have to go to a gun store. Yeah. Or, you know. But you can still buy your kid, like, a pellet gun.

I don't know. I think so. Yeah. I think they had them when I was a kid. Yeah. I remember being, like, doing a play in high school where we had a gun in the play. And so the guy I was doing the play with just brought this fully black handgun pellet gun

like I guess this was like just before Columbine or whatever but like there was no one was like you can't bring up a friend of mine brought like this replica to school that was like shiny chrome like oh

well don't have it around me and we had had like at the junior high that I went to there was a kid who had brought a handgun to school like he accidentally shot himself they were playing like Russian roulette or something like that but then they found out that the kid had been bringing the gun to school

every day and stuff like that did he kill himself? No he was alive he had to like literally he was alive. He had to, like, literally he was walking around with a helmet for, like, like, a long time afterwards. That's the type of... Just to protect him from future bullets? I think

it's a case of when you injure yourself badly, then if you injure yourself a second time, it's pretty messed up. I can joke about this. A guy tried to shoot me in the head. That's right. Oh, no, that's true. No, I just... Sorry.

I thought we were into kind of like, why don't they build the whole plane out of black box territory? Like, what's he wearing a helmet for? Blocking bullets? Should have been wearing the helmet the first time. Big sale at Rollout. That's right. I forgot about that. I just pointed at your head.

Never forget. That was horrible. Charlie, you're on. I gotta take a break. The other thing that happened. So I live across the alley from the place that I, since I've moved in, I'm like, this place is condemnable. Like, it should be.

It's falling apart. Is it a business or a home it's a it's the back half of an apartment building that's like split in two so the front half looks okay but the back half is just in disrepair there's been a broken window since we've moved in that's always been broken and like it's just like seedy people coming and going it's probably a drug dealer lives somewhere in there anyways Yeah, reliable drug. He's really one of the best. So one of the rooms on the top floor caught fire this week.

Jesus. And I was like, oh, you know, as long as everybody gets out, maybe the whole thing will just burn down and that'll just even. Even, Steven. Yeah, problem solved. So it just burned enough. burned wait you're the yeah it burned just enough to make it look even more terrible oh but not still livable yeah still livable so it is singed yeah the whole side of it now it's just plywood and there's like melted uh

this and that and like the landlords have done nothing. Can I, what can I do? Can I call the city on them and be like, hey, come on. But the minute you set another fire. Like the first fire that you set, Graham Clark. But learn from your mistakes. That's right. Really apply myself.

You would go out and complain and then someone would fix it up. And then your landlord would be like rent now three times higher that's right so that thing is your best friend i guess i guess you're right yeah that really is to love the grub the broken window theory as the uh tlc show learn to love the grub yeah it's about a guy who has a bunch of grubs, a family of grubs. It's about a chicken. It's about an anorexic chicken overcoming its eating disorder. Oh, sure. That's their favorite thing.

I thought they ate feed. Well, you know, if they can get their hands on a grub. Isn't that funny? Their wings. Yeah. Isn't that funny that chickens eat grub and we give them something called feed. We feed ourselves with all the food grub. Yeah.

That's our relationship with chickens. It's sort of like how Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy. Yeah. Kennedy from MTV. Drove a Lincoln. Yeah, there we go. Now, before we go to overheard yes it's a

tradition this is a tradition here on the podcast that Dave and I do a secret Santa exchange I don't I don't know who you got I don't know who you got I can I tell you Dave I got you okay babe I got you and and I also brought a gift for our guests so they did you're

in uh you're in the loop i didn't um how do you want to do should i give my gift to charlie yeah do that okay so this is this is my gift wrapped yeah i'm wrapped in a uh a pizza menu it was uh my house i saw a guy eating a box of pizza at 9.15 this morning waiting at a bus stop. Was he eating the box? Was it me? Because, uh... Prawn Pagoda. Yeah.

Where do you get your pizza from? Oh. From the Prawn Pagoda. This is a compact disc. Yep. By... Yeah. It's the Mad About You soundtrack.

Oh. And it's not scratched. No, no, it's a mad about you soundtrack and it's not scratched no no it's a good condition remotely this is an entirely playable oh my god it's got Final Frontier that's the theme song tell me why co-written by Paul Rudd

not Reiser it's got Hootie and the Blowfish. It's got the Tony Rich Project. TRC? Yeah, one of my favorite projects. There's a song called That's Marriage

by Ice Cream. Delicious. Sarah McLachlan. No, Ice Cream is performed by Sarah McLachlan. Oh, Your Love is Better Than Ice Cream. Oh, That's Marriage is a clip. I guess there's fun little... Oh, yeah.

Like the Friends soundtrack had. Oh, like little dialogues? Yeah. Oh, and At Last. It also had Hootie on the blowfish. At Last by Etta James. By Beyonce. So if I ever get married again, I can pop that.

Has anyone ever played At Last at a wedding? Oh, thank you very much. This is so exciting. Oh, no, you're welcome. Yeah, Mad About You soundtrack. And then Mad About You theme, The Final Frontier, performed by Anita Baker. This is, I've been sitting on this one for a while, so. Oh, and yet it's not scratched. And I hope that

there are photos of Helen Hunt in the liner notes that 17-year-old me can masturbate to. No, it's just Paul Reiser. No, it's just Paul Reiser. Yeah, singing into a microphone. And Ira and Murray. Now, Dave, do you want to go or should I go? I have three things for you. Okay, I only have

the one for you, but it's outstanding. I'll give you things one at a time. Okay. This is in a card. This is in card form. It says my name on it, so it's for me. Very excited. Very excited about this card. Ah. Oh, wow!

It is a Frank D'Angelo card. Yeah, the owner of Cheetah Power Search. It says Silent Night on it. I don't know where you got this. Oh, and it's got a CD in it! Yeah, it's Frank D'Angelo, owner of Cheetah Power Search Energy Drinks, singing Silent Night. Oh, wow. Net proceeds of the song Silent Night are being donated to various charities that support the homeless. Well, that's pretty vague.

Very vague. And that's pretty vague. Very vague. And it's net proceeds. Once we've covered distribution. And I guarantee you that we ordered 10,000 of these and this is the third one, anyways. Dave, this is outstanding. Yeah, it's pretty good. Very well done.

You know him from his hit song, Dreamer, from his upcoming movie, Real Gangsters, starring Robert Loja. Coming out this January. Dave and I are going to go see it. Please come along. Oh, kid. I guess, you know, they say your life's going to change.

Here's the second gift. It's something you, I know you've bought it before, but you're so generous you give it away. This one's for you. I'm mad about you. Oh, a Bazinga shirt. way. This one's for you to get some mad about your soundtrack. Oh! A Bazinga shirt! Now, you buy these and you send them to

your brother? Yes, every time I find one of these in a thrift store, I wrap it up and I send it to my brother. Well, that one was purchased new. Oh, well, thank you very much. I can't wait to wear it everywhere. That's Big Bang Theory, right?

Oh, you betcha. Yep. Well done, Dave. The final is, last year I gave some coupons, you know, the broke-ass boyfriend gift to Alicia. Yes. And this year I'm giving them to you. Oh, fun. It's a new set.

Can I read some? A personalized coupon. Yeah, go for it. Alright. Secret Santa Sexy Coupons 2013. No expiry date. Yes. Expiry.

This coupon entitles you to one free mispronunciation of Biopic, where I won't correct you. Present this coupon and I will create a big diversion so nobody notices you crying in Denny's. That's not based on anything. It's something you'll want. Present this coupon and I will have never been born. This coupon will become a groupon when you gather some of your friends around it in a circle and masturbate onto it. Present this coupon and I will talk you out of leaving your house, which is what you really wanted. This coupon entitles you to trade lives with me for one freaky day late this week.

Late this week? That's the perfect joke. You don't have to read them all now. You can parse them out over the episode. Or over the year. This coupon will be our little secret. Oh man, that's good.

Well, here's what I got for you. Because last year your big present to me was a subscription to Flex Magazine which I have continued to receive throughout the year. most of the time recycling immediately.

This, you can read it because it's tickets to something. Oh boy. Oh no, that's soon. Next weekend. It's two tickets, I'm assuming,

to the world-famous Popovich Comedy Pet Theater No, that's soon. Yeah, next weekend. It's two tickets, I'm assuming. Yep, two tickets. To the world-famous Popovich Comedy Pet Theater at the River Rock Casino in Richmond, British Columbia. Yep. I originally was just going to buy one ticket. I really think you made the wrong choice. The image of Popovich, it's a man with clown makeup. Yep. Thank you.

Yep. Surrounded by cats. Yeah. And the quote is genius. And it's attributed to people magazine so this guy was on uh america's got talent and all of his animals are uh rescues from shelters and he uh he does all sorts of routines but he only rescues talented yes yeah showbiz pets yeah so there are pounds full of animals that are like working on a yeah two three four i call it the aristocats so you have two tickets take abby we'll see it's next sunday 5 30 p.m oh good before dinner oh yeah perfect no that's right

in the middle of dinner for most of the people that are watching. That's true. That's after dinner. That's very inconvenient. Why would they do a show right at dinner hour? Why is the show so late? And Alf is just mouth-watering the whole time. So, yeah,

he does a whole routine where he's a teacher and all the dogs are sitting in desks. Well, I'm going to love it. I am going to love it. Oh, man. Well, thank you. Merry Christmas. Back at you, Dave.

Let's move on to Overhurst. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't want to do to get through the day. You got to shine your shoes. You got to sweep the floor. You got to clean your house. You want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes, you gotta sweep the floor, you gotta clean your house, you gotta do some more. Take care of business.

A lot of music means it's time for a little bit of business. Ah, such a spicy bit of business. We'll get back to overheards in just a jiffy jiff. This is a Jumbotron message. If you would like This is a Jumbotron message.

If you would like to send a Jumbotron message to a loved one or somebody you hate. Oh yeah, do it to an enemy. We haven't got any enemy Jumbotron messages. No, but I encourage it. Yeah, hey Cobra Commander. Cut it out. So you just have to mosey over

to MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And this one comes from a couple people, a whole band of people. Well, one person. Well, no. Oh, yeah, one person. Absolutely. It comes from Mark and two dogs, Darla and George. And this message is for Kylie.

And the message goes something like this hit it Dave Merry Christmas Honey wishing you many more fun surprises in the new year there you go Vince Gilardi

what's happening? Christmas time yeah so Merry Christmas Honey And Scolardi, yeah. What's happening? Christmas time. Okay. Yeah, so Merry Christmas, Honey. Yeah. You're the best, Kylie. We wish you nothing but the best.

From Darla. Yeah. And George. From Darla and George. Darla and George paid for the ad. Yeah. Mark wrote it. They dictated while he typed. Yeah, they can't type with their little paws.

Mwah! I would like to send a jumble plum message. That's the voice of a guest from a couple weeks from now. Yeah. Future guest. Sorry. No, don't be. It's great.

So should we move on to overheards? Yep. This is Cameron Esposito. I'm Rhea But Yep. This is Cameron Esposito. I'm Rhea Butcher. This is Ricky Carmona. And we have a great action and sci-fi movie podcast. That's right, great. On the Maximum Fun Network.

It is called Wham! Bam! Pow! Every week we review an amazing movie about blow-em-ups. Smash-em-ups. We call it a dick flick. Yeah, we do. And you can tune in to the movies on Netflix

watch instant maybe they're in theaters it's going to change your life you can subscribe on iTunes or listen at MaximumFun.org Overheard Overheard. Overheard's longest running segment on this year's show. Well, next to Get to Know Us. Just the show.

Along with Get to Know You. Yeah. Well, Get to Know Us, as we discovered in episode 300, not in... no, Overheard, not in every episode. That's right. Yeah. We did trivia for our episode 300. Graham and I quizzed each other. Yeah.

There was one episode where we didn't get to it. Wow. And it was a John Doerr episode. That's pretty believable. And with Overheards, we always like to start with the guest. Yeah. So, Charlie, if you would. Yeah, this is not the greatest.

But we bought a car, and so I have no interaction with the public anymore. Tell me how great it is. Oh, brother. It's, wow. Yeah. You forget. You got like a sports car. You got like a peppy.

Yeah, we got a two-seat. Maserati. It does 185. Yeah, but you lost your license. Yeah, now I can't drive. Yeah, now I can't drive. But so yesterday I was in a subway. Yep.

Eating fresh. Congratulations. So that's your only. Oh, no, but that's not them. You don't do public transportation anymore, so you go to subway out of support. And there was a guy on the foam. Foam? He was on the foam. You know how they have that kind of recumbent foam slab? Yeah, the subway lab.

It's for people with back problems. You just kind of lie back and kind of eat your sandwich. Eat your sriracha sub. Sort of choke it down. You're lying in this prone position. Subine, not prone. One of the two. Anyway. I was in

Subway and there was a guy on the phone and he's I'm just trying to dress this up because it's really lackluster. But anyway, he was on the phone. You've done a great job. The guy's in Subway on the phone. I'm dressing trying to dress this up because it's really lackluster. But anyway, he was on the phone. Well, you've done a great job. The guy's in Subway on the phone. I'm dressing it up. And he's on the phone.

He's talking about a party that he's going to. And he's like, it's 50s themed. So, I don't know. I'll just get a wig or something. What did he think the 50s were? Yeah. It was a hairier time. So I just pictured this guy, like, showing up in an afro wig to a 50s. Or, like, just a regular haircut.

Short hair on a man. Yeah, I'm going to, like, a Richie Cunningham wig. Oh, funny. Yeah, I'm going to like a Richie Cunningham wig. Funny. Dave, do you have one? Mine is... Okay. Quite interesting. Yeah, all right.

Mine is courtesy of my nieces. Oh, cute. It's a cute one. We went over there a couple weeks ago and Abby, they always are like, Abby, can we sew with you? Oh, Abby, let's have a sewing play date. And, you know, they're

four and five years old and not great at sewing. So Abby had the idea of making the simplest thing you can make, which is Hey, buddy. We're all in the break i gotta uh it's so cold down here i got a blanket and we all have our feet underneath it yeah and charlie just gave me i don't even think on purpose gave me a little wiggle accidentally on purpose

um so abby brought stuff to make mittens, which are the easiest thing you can make. You basically need the shape of your hand, like you trace your hand, and you get... Then you're like, ah, another turkey. Just sewing the turkey. And then

you basically just do it once, and you then have, you cut four pieces the same, and then you make both sides of both mittens. Right. And so Abby basically did all the work. Yep. And then let them choose how they wanted to decorate them. Yeah. That's pretty cute. And afterwards, they were both wearing their mittens. And one of my nieces went up to my other niece and said,

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Puppet show. See, this is what I need to hear more of. Not you're stuck up on sleep or whatever. Tell me wonderful stories about adorable little girls who have mitten fests and then all get pumped. Once they can talk, they say nonsense all the time. Yeah, yeah. It's true.

For like the first 30 years. We went out for dinner with my godson who's like, he'll be three in February. And he was asking me to tell him stories. And he was asking – he says, tell me stories about Thomas and friends, which is just Thomas the Tank Engine. One of the reasons I'm happiest that we're having a girl is I figure it cuts down my chances of having to ever have Thomas the Tank Engine in the house. It's like the most boring. You ever read those stories? It's like Percy had to get a shipment of parcels to Ligington Station, but Thomas only had post to deliver. And he was like, it's horrible. So then I was running out of train ideas.

So then I just picked up the spoon on the table and i was like oh spoony uh it was just spoony and yeah spoony was walking around on the table and like all the other things on the table were the other characters yeah so there was salty and dr sugar and like all this stuff and so i finished i finished the story and i put it down and Gabe goes, he goes, again? Charlie, can you please tell me a story about spoonies? I did this thing once where I pretended to eat like, I don't know, like a piece of metal. Yeah. Like a coin.

And then I was like, oh, in front of my nieces and i pretended to eat a coin and then oh my stomach really hurts and then i pretended to uh you know pass it and then i would show them and now that's all they want me to do but they knew how to swallow this coin it knows how to pass this coin but then uh uh all my nieces just come up and whisper. They know that this is sort of verboten, so they whisper it. Dave, can you toot something out? Can you dude something out? Toot. Toot something out.

Pretty cute. That is pretty cute. Graham, your turn. All eyes on you. My overheard is also courtesy of a man talking on a phone. Yeah. This was just passing by a guy in the street it's kind of my favorite kind of overheard because it it opens up so many possibilities of what this guy was talking about um but he was very angry

and he was obviously telling somebody that he didn't want to go somewhere because this is all i caught was because every time we go it's just people talking about who slept with who and how good their glasses fit where where where where does he not want to go come don't come over to my place i got this heat gun and uh we can bend your glasses so they fit perfectly. And then we can bang. We're not going to this optometrist orgy. I feel like he's my anti-yuppie hero.

That sounds like the most perfectly succinct summary of a shitty party. Yeah. Who's sleeping with whom? How good your class is fit? He seemed really upset about it, too, which is the best part. He was really like, this was the 10th of these parties he had to attend this year. But it's like something Woody Allen would say. That's right.

It's clear, but it's based on one interaction he's had. And he just is like, in his mind, he's like, oh boy, here I go. Another party. But I will do that. I will have a super inane conversation with someone. And then the next time I see them, I bring up the dumb inane conversation with someone, and then the next time I see them, I bring up the dumb inane thing again. I'm like, you still got those glasses that fit great?

It's weird being out of the house, isn't it? Last night we went out for dinner, and... Spaghetti house? No. I went to the spaghetti house, eh? It's... What, the one on commercial? Yeah, Nick's Spaghetti House, right went to the spaghetti house hey it's what the one on commercial yeah nick spaghetti house right next to the theater like ambience it's like a 13 out of 5 like it's so

cool it's like this little time capsule frozen in amber um yeah 50s haircut 50s wig yeah but the food is is pretty so so but it's it's a it's a place you go to say that you've been i think so yeah yeah it's that kind of like boston pizza like but uh no we went out to the nom uh because it was super super late and so as we were paying there was this group of young like just like young like young, good-looking kids in their, like, 20s or whatever. Two women and the rest were men. And they were sitting at this big round table and they were all going around in a circle going, okay, well, so I'm so-and-so and I guess something quirky about me is that I blah, blah, blah. And I was like, it was like 1.30 in the morning.

And they're doing this sort of like a work retreat. Is the scenario by which these people are like together. And you could tell that some people were trying to like fast track the intimacy. Because like the one guy's like, oh, well, I'm from Saskatchewan. And that's what's quirky about me. And then this one goes, who do you cheer for, BC or Saskatchewan? Because nobody from Saskatchewan ever gives up their team. You're in BC now.

And I was like, whoa, this guy's not into it at all. One in the morning at a vegetarian restaurant. Yeah. I mean, no one has ever cared about football in this restaurant in its 50-year history. But what is the possible scenario by which a group of people who don't know each other would be at a restaurant at 1.30 in the morning introducing themselves? Oh, they're alcoholics. It's like they would be doing trust fall exercises 10 minutes later. But if you want to do trust fall exercises in a restaurant, you've got to go to the foam area in Subway for safety.

Have you ever had that where you've done that? Because I can't remember the last time I was in that situation where I had to, you know, everybody say their name and something about them. I'm Dave and I'm faking a stomach cramp to get out of this. But like that you only remember the weird thing and you don't remember their name. So you're like, yeah, six-toe over here. Hey, you, cold pizza. Hey, you, cold pizza better than warm pizza. Hey, you, cold pizza better than warm pizza. Hey, you, insurance fraud.

They admit a crime. I'm Dave, and I guess the quirky thing about me is that I choked a man to death. None of this is admissible, right? It's admitted in a trust exercise. You have a ropes course client privilege. We did have to do a thing like that at the prenatal course.

What? Ropes course? What we were most looking forward to about the birthing experience. Getting the damn thing out of me. Yeah, yeah. Having the kid, right? No, but it wasn't allowed to be... Presents! Yeah, yeah. The having the kid, right? No, but it wasn't allowed to be. Present!

I've never had an excuse to have a bassinet in the house. Yeah. It's like, that's one of those low, long dogs with the big ears. Yeah. All right. Fred Bassinet. We also have... I had a feeling that would touch everything. That's like the only thing that could have...

Just a Rex Morgan MD would have been the only thing above that. Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from listeners around the world. If you want to do that, you can send them in to spy at maximumfund.org. And this first one comes from Ryan in Edmonton. He provided a picture as an accompaniment. It's a note

that is outside my apartment building taped to a fence. It's a little droopy because it got rained on. It says, to whom this may concern, please do not leave

poo in a bag at this spot. Also, I may do a stakeout to find the person responsible. Dressed up as a bush? I may do a stakeout. Well, I'm not committed to it. And then what? And then you find the person and then what?

You there, stop this. No. No dice. What day is this? And then what? Yeah. You there, stop this. No. No. Yeah, no dice. No. What day is this? My dog shits, I leave it in a bag at your house day. That is the worst, though.

You used to have a joke about it. About somebody just throwing a bag of dog shit on the ground? Like the worst possible of the outcomes? Yeah. Like you bagged it and then just threw it on the ground. It was like, nah, you really half weighed it. Just poop would have been better than that. Yeah. Because at least the poop would have degraded or whatever.

And then also you did all the hard parts. Yeah. You had to touch the bag of shit. It happens a lot whenever there's a garbage strike. It just piles up. Oh, yeah. Horrible. So

Charlie has taken the wrapper, which was a pizza menu. Give it to me and I'll take a picture. He's taken the Chef Boyardee lookalike and put it on Helen Hunt's head on the cover of the Mattify CD. And it's great.

This is a miracle. This is a miracle. I'm mad about you, baby. There's a really two-minute version of that song. I guess it's on this album. It's on this album, absolutely. And then Friends, didn't they also do a long version of that? Oh, yeah, the Red Rats.

Was it hit? Yeah. Yeah. This next overheard. Nobody ever something, nobody ever sees me. Seems like the only one who knows what it's like to be me. Everybody's working to be me. Everybody's working for the

friends. This next one comes from Joseph W. This is Joey from New York, friends. How are you doing? This is courtesy of his roommate.

I was at Central Perk. This is from his roommate roommate. I was at Central Perk. This is from his roommate, Sam. Chandler. Yep. Sam, Samdler. Samuel Bing, the real life Chandler. Yeah. Sam overheard this as he was walking near an empty lot by our apartment.

Boy one, didn't there used to be a building here? Boy two, yeah, two buildings. A crack house and a pizza place. The crack house caught fire and burned the pizza place down. Boy one, damn, can't crack heads do anything right? It is true. Oh, man, if my favorite pizza place got burned down by a crack head, I'd be way off crack. I mean, but it's 50-50. It's 50-50.

The pizza place could just as easily burn down a crack house. Is the pizza place okay in this scenario? No, no, no. They both burn down. Oh, no. Ugh. Yeah. I'm willing to pin it on the crack house.

I'm not going to throw my favorite pizza place under the bus. Look, the pizza place is burning stuff all the time. Crack people are burning stuff all the time. I know, but I feel like it's a quick burn, right? Well, I just want to know how can any of us sleep while our beds are burning? Midnight oil, everybody. Fair is fair. This last one comes from Justin M. in Halifax.

It's a nice night. My neighbor is sitting out on her front porch I hear her say Do you hear that? Followed by a pause Laura, can you hear that? And then, quietly The bunny is making sex noises Wow

I guess they owned a bunny? Or? Well. Maybe that's their nickname for her vagina. Please. Have some respect. I will not. After you.

Put some laughing gas on it. But she said the bunny. If it was multiple bunnies, you'd assume that she would have said some bunnies. This was a masturbating bunny. But like our bunny. Like, if it was multiple bunnies, you'd assume that she would say it. Oh, this was a masturbating bunny? Some bunnies. But like, our bunny. No, but she doesn't say some bunnies because people go, somebody? Yeah, you're no bunny till somebody loves you.

Good Easter card. In addition to overheards. That is a good Easter card. Exactly. That's what it would say inside. You're no bunny till somebody loves you. Exactly what I was thinking. Happy Easter.

Let's shoot ourselves. Happy Easter, lover. And it would be in the Easter for lovers category of the sex Easter. Sexy Easter. You've resurrected me. You've resurrected me after less than three days. Now let's get in your cave. Sexy Easter.

It was a pagan fuckfest, right? Isn't that what we're searching? Paganfuckfest.com. Wiccanwackoff.org. And they're a non-profit. Well, yeah. But isn't that why we search for eggs at Easter? Because it's a fertility situation.

Really? I did not. I have no. They kind of plunked Easter down on top of some egg hunt. And that's why at Passover they have unleavened bread to remind you to do it on a mat. At the subway. Yeah. In the foam lounge.

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, it's 206-339-8328. Oh, do you hear those footsteps on the roof? Sorry, I'm just trying to center us. Understood. While I look up these phone calls, do you want to read a few more

coupons? Absolutely, I do. This is great. This is like a conceptual art project. This coupon kills fascists. Maybe with paper cuts or choking. Do I have to think of everything? This coupon is part of a romantic scavenger hunt, which is the granddaddy of broke boyfriend gifts. This coupon entitles you to a ketchup packet

from a restaurant or diner of your choice. Ooh, I pick Arby's. Yeah, well, go get it. I mean, just show them the coupon. Okay, phone calls. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Abdulaziz calling from Victoria. I was just walking through the Humanities Building

on campus at the university and there was a hallway with a bunch of signs down the hallway and all these signs just had two lines of text. The first line said, this is a homophobia-free zone. And then the second line was in a red circle

with a red line through it and it had the quotation that's so gay indicating that it's not okay to say but something was wrong with the printer that they were using so the red didn't show up that well uh so all these signs just read this is a homophobia free zone that's so gay oh that's great well we put all the effort into making the signs the ink didn't work but we're It's so gay. Oh, that's great. Well, we put all the effort into making the signs.

The ink didn't work, but we're still going to put them up. I was just so excited to hear what was the graphic representation of homophobia. That's okay, though. That sums it up. This is also a raven free zone Oh man But she is gay Yeah Oh

Yeah So The character? No The raven Quote the raven Yeah I'm so gay

Yeah Quote the raven Nevermore will I date the opposite sex Alright Here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Tyler from Minnesota calling in with an overheard. I was at Toys R Us today near the doll aisle, and there was this woman there with a little girl,

and I overheard the woman say, Oh, wait a minute. minute no that's not Oprah it's just black Barbie I'm now literally like yeah confused as to why there isn't it because then on Christmas you could be like, you're getting an Oprah doll. You're getting an Oprah doll. Merry Christmas! Although I would prefer it if people phoning in from Minnesota had more adorable accents.

Yeah, more Fargo-esque. Yeah, Fargo it up by 20%. Yeah. Well, that's not Oprah. I found the Oprah. Yeah, no, that's John Oprah. I found new Oprah. Oh, yeah, no, that's John Doerr did. What's the character's name? Jerry Lundegard.

Jerry Bruckheimer. Jerry Lundegard. Yeah, Lundegard, yeah. It's a pretty great impression. It's a finder's fee. Yeah. It's my deal. It's my deal.

It's my Barbie. A finder's fee. Dad's not going to cut it. It's a fighter's fee. This is my deal. It's my deal. It's my Barbie. Fighter's fee. Dad's not going to cut it. It's my Barbie. Ah, so good. And here's your final overheard of this holiday season. Unless you count the week between Christmas and New Year's holiday season. Oh, everybody does.

All right. It's a refractory period. As we prepare to fertilize those Easter eggs. It's the holiday placenta of Boxing Day. Here it is. Hi, Dave Graham and possible guests. This is Garrett from Orange County, California, calling in with an overheard. The Target on Black Friday here and saw a man walking down the aisles with his son.

And the dad says, No, son, I'm sorry. We're not here to buy any toys. We're just here for your science project. Now, how many types of Jell-O do you need? Jell-O? Yeah. One for every continent.

Yeah. The science of mapping. Oh, that would be great. Continent Jell-O and then the polar caps whipped cream. Pretty good. Yeah, but unfortunately whipped cream is melting. It is, yeah. Well, you save that up for your daughter when she has to do a science fair project.

Oh, yeah. What would the blue be? Well, I mean... Is there blue? There's blue Jell-O. On the Olympic flag, don't the rings represent a different continent? But aren't there seven continents? Yeah, but there's no athletes from Antarctica and the Arctic.

Not until we... No, the Arctic isn't a continent. It's when they count seven, isn't it? No. North America, South America, Africa, Europe, Asia, the Australasia. Oh, Eurasia, yeah Australasian, and then Antarctica. Antarctica, though, has... When the Olympics finally become human and animal co-sport, then Antarctica.

Well, dressage. Yeah, that's true. They should have penguin dressage. Penguin dressage. Oh, yeah, so are the Arctic's should have Penguin Dressage. Penguin Dressage. Oh, yeah, so are the arctics not in the seventh? Nope. And it never will be. And apparently neither is Australia.

Oh, yeah, that's true. Well, how did Australia not just be part of Asia? Well, distance? Volume. Yeah, volume. That's right. Now, that brings us to the end volume. That's right. Now, that brings us to the end of this

year's show. Charlie, as we mentioned, your play, your panto, is still playing. Yes. Jack and the Beanstalk and East Van Panto is still playing. It will be playing until the 29th of December. So, please go see it. It is at the

very newly reopened York Theatre. The theatre's been closed for a number of years now, and they've redesigned it and re-renovated it and stuff like that. And it's on the centenary of the initial opening of the theatre. Wow. Where is that? It's right next to Nick's Spaghetti House. Nick's Spaghetti House, yeah.

That's all. It's at next to Nick's Spaghetti House. It's at Commercial and Georgia. And any other upcoming projects or anything? Or where should people go to kind of stay tuned? You've got one upcoming project. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, well,

the planta, you mean? Yeah, where are you going to plant it? That thing's not going to eat itself. I'm not convinced that with time it wouldn't eat itself. Yeah, that's true. You can follow me on Twitter. Like Pizza the Hut. Placenta the Hut.

Oh, no. You can follow me on Twitter at Charlie Demers. Traditional spellings of both. Google what the traditional spellings are. Charlie as in Charlie Brown. Demers as in Jacques Demers. And then, I don't know. Like, I'm writing stuff.

I'm supposed to be writing a book. Well, you also have been writing recently. You've been writing blog posts about current events and different. Yeah, it's been a couple of weeks since I've done one. But yeah. But they're really great. Oh, thank you. They're very in-depth essays about things that kind of like crop up from news stories and the like.

Yeah. You can check out the blog at Chuck of the Sea, all one word. Traditional spellings of Chuck and Sea. Yep. And WordPress is what it is. Thanks for being our guest here on this holiday. Thank you for having me. And I hope you and your listeners have a very Merry Christmas.

Unless they don't celebrate Christmas, in which case, see you in hell. Dave, anything we gotta plug? Yeah, we have a live show happening. Oh boy, I look, we're recording this before tickets have even gone on sale. This thing might be sold out. That's true.

February 15th as part of the Northwest Comedy Fest, live at the Biltmore Cabaret. Oh, fun. With Paul F. Tompkins. Special guest, Paul F. Tompkins. That'll be fun. Yeah. I remember when you guys, when you used to have to do live shows at the Biltmore, your

guests were this guy right here. I'm pointing at myself with a thumb. Yeah. One of the all-time greats. No, but you're moving up in the world. Nope. Nope. Pretty all-time greats. No, but you're moving up in the world. Nope, nope. Pretty good.

Pretty good stuff. He doesn't dress as nicely as me. That's true. That is true. And if you like the show, go over to MaximumFun.org, check out the blog recap that Dave does each and every week, photos and videos relating to the content of this episode, surely some sort of screen grab from Mad About You. Okay, yeah.

I was worried you were gesturing to Charlie and I was like, a placenta. No, no, no. No, no, no. Maybe a picture of Frank D'Angelo so everybody can understand who he is. You may be able to find, because there was like a stuffed placenta

in the prenatal class, like a cotton. Oh, not like we made some stuffing. Or like a taxidermied placenta. No, it was like a stuffed. You really got the eyes right. It was like a plush placenta. The eyes. I picture it as like a little monster.

I'm picturing it like some weird thing they pulled out of the ocean. Yeah. Ocean's not off. But anyway, a plush placenta you might find a picture of. Also, we didn't bring it up. That guy who was going for the science project, he was going to Target on Black Friday to buy Jell-O. Jell-O. That's a really bad idea.

I wonder how that works. Why not just go to literally anywhere else? Yeah. But also, the caller was at Target on Black Friday, so fool me once. Shame on all of you. On all of you. And on that note,

thanks so much for listening. If you want to get in touch, you can reach us at spy at maximumfun.org or 206-339-8328 and thanks so much for listening and come back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself

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