Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 350 - Amber Harper-Young

Episode Date: December 2, 2014

Comedian Amber Harper-Young joins us to talk gentleman's clubs, municipal politics, and anesthesia.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 350 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's wearing a lot of cream colors today, Mr. Dave Shumka. That's right. I'm wearing a lot of beige. Yeah. Beige on beige is dynamite.

I'm going safari-ing later. No, I was running the coffee machine earlier and Abby came in the room and said something about cream and I didn't hear her. And I assumed she was talking about my outfit. But no, she was asking if I put some kind of cream on the baby's head. I didn't. Yeah, which is

she's got hair now, the baby. Yeah, she always had hair. But now she's developing a hairline that's less Dracula. Yeah, and more Bob Hoskins. And more Blackula. And our guest today, very funny comedian, first time guest here on the podcast, Miss Amber Harper-Young. Hi, guys.

Hello. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being a guest. No problem. Oh, good. It's good to have you here. Should we get to know us? Sure.

All right. Get to know us. Amber, how are things? They're medium. Medium. Okay. Yeah, yeah. All right.

What gives? What gives? Yeah. What's shaking? I'm just doing the stand-up thing, which is pretty normal to be doing now at this point. Are you compensating for something? Are people telling you that it's not normal? Actually, I've had a lot of cool things happen, so I shouldn't have that attitude.

But I've had some terrible life things happen recently. So it just kind of meets in the middle. Okay, so that's good. I shouldn't have that attitude, but I've had some terrible life things happen recently. So it just kind of meets in the middle. Okay, so that's good. So some good, sorry I asked. Very great career things and very terrible personal family stuff. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Is it a bad time?

Do you want to reschedule? Yeah, I'm going to need to reschedule. So, no, I'm good. I'm cool. Like, I'm just like, you know, sort of like that Nine Inch Nails song. Like, every day is exactly the same. I'm sort of feeling that song. What is that song?

I don't know that song. Every day is exactly the same. Voodoo, voodoo. Oh, yeah, Nine Inch Nails. Oh, yeah. Nine-inch nails. Yeah, yeah. I'm Trent Reznor, and I'm here to say. Every day is exactly the same. Do you want to double-cross the guy from Facebook?

Or whatever. Now, you're just new to Vancouver. Within a year. I've been here just over a year. I think a year and four months if you want to get technical. I do. Absolutely. Do you have your plane ticket?

Can I see when you arrived in town? I didn't save it. What about your scrapbook? Oh, my God. It's going downhill, the scrapbook, I think. Yeah, I've been here for... I'm just getting comfortable here in Vancouver. I'm actually feeling like a homey sort of sense about men, which is nice.

And like, is it, because you were in Ontario, you were in Toronto. Mm-hmm. And lay it on us. What's the differences? Come on. Oh, yeah. In Toronto, they're all. They're all like, hey, you're a comic, so am I.

Go away from me. Go away from me because I want all the gigs and you can't have them. So it's a bit of a different sense in the way that, like, no, I had some tight friends, but only a handful. Because all the other people are like, I already got my friends. And we are not taking applications. I'm going to elbow anyone out of the way, even those friends I got for gigs. It's just a bit more cutthroat.

That's there? It's a bit more cutthroat there. Here it's like there's no gigs at all. My closest friends in Toronto, I'd be like, okay, I have this show and I'm super worried no one's going to come. Some shows I knew people would come. Then other shows I show and I'm super worried no one's gonna come like some shows I knew people would come right and

then other shows I'd be like super worried no one's gonna come can you guys like I'll give you a spot or like can you just show up or whatever and they'd be like I got

this gig and I can't I got I got my own things I got I have enough friends already yeah what happened to I'll be there for you yeah that's what right did anyone tell you life was gonna be this way no one did no one did yeah enough friends already. Yeah, what happened to I'll be there for you? Yeah, that's what... Right?

Did anyone tell you life was going to be this way? No one did. No one did. Yeah. But I am very much that way of like, I've got enough friends.

Yeah. No, and I understand. Yeah, I get that too. Like, I was on this other podcast. I'm not going to mention which one. And we were talking about how when I first got here, I was on this other podcast, I'm not going to mention which one, and we were talking about

how when I first got here, I didn't, I wasn't interested in having friends at all because I had my friends in Toronto and then I had a boyfriend here and I just wanted to get

good at stand-up still and focus on my career and stuff and Sophie Buttle really wanted to be my friend and she was like coming on so aggressive and I was just like

I don't know how to deal with this she's like so aggressive sending some funny gifts what does she want from me send me her boyfriend in a box laughing laughing

laughing so it's cool because I i didn't understand like that actually generally the community is much nicer here so i had this like weird big city mentality where i was like if someone's nice to me they want something you know like they want something in exchange so uh i'd be like go over there like when anyone talks to me go over there go over there not go away yeah

go specifically over there yeah Amber to Vancouver go over there well cause they usually we'd be at a comedy show

so right they'd probably be on the show as well I can't be like don't be on the show now so but you're settling into the city you got like you've got like Well, I can't be like, don't be on the show now. But you're settling into the city.

You've got like your favorite haunts and your favorite like whatever roots, neighborhoods that you hang out in. Yeah, I really like my situation right now because I'm in between commercial and Maine and Broadway. Yeah. So I like both those hoods. I actually work at Maine and Broadway. I work in retail. What do you do? Not to brag.

Actually, I was just talking about this last night on stage about how I used to be assistant manager at a retail store called 8th and Main. Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I know that one. And I just, along with stand up I couldn't

handle the stress like I had to demote myself oh you still work at the

same place yeah I still work there but I'm just a salesperson because I'm a big puss puss like

so you sat yourself down it's not working out I said listen you're not ready I said this thing stand up

that's not even really paying you right now is suffering from being an assistant manager at this clothing store. What's the difference in assistant manager duties versus just the sales? I have no idea. Basically, you know, a list of things doesn't get done. It's your fault. What about the manager? Yeah.

What is this manager? They. Where's this manager? They're not around. No. The manager is sometimes there, but when they're not, then basically it's all on you. Do they do an employee of the month system with a picture? No. No. I never had a job that had that.

Oh, I did. Did you? Yeah. Which one? This job. Have you been the employee of the month every month? Every month for six years or whatever, however long we've been doing this. You should hang a picture so that people know when they come in here.

Yeah, I really should. That would really brighten up the place. Employee of the month, March 2008 to present. A past guest on the show, Erica Sigurdsson, she worked at McDonald's and several times was employee of the month. And has the plaque with her picture on it. That's awesome. Is it the bagel place

around 8th and Main or right away in Main that has the employee's five-year plans on the wall? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Rosemary rock salt? I didn't even notice that. I haven't noticed it either. I think Taz told us that. Yeah, that's right. The rock salt? Rosemary rock salt. Yeah. I didn't even notice that.

I haven't noticed it either. I think Taz told us that. Yeah, they put up a thing, and it was, you know, the employees' hopes and dreams, which is weird. It's a weird thing to have to. It's weird even when they ask you in a job interview, like, what is your ultimate goal? And it's like, well, you got to know it's not this job, right? You're not setting me up for a fall here. Like, I'm not assistant manager at a thing or whatever.

Yeah. I'd like to move laterally within the company so I never take your job because I love you. That's a pretty good answer. The first thing you just see the person make a checkmark, the exact right answer. Can you guys notify me if graham ever becomes employee of the month here yeah we'll we'll let you know yeah send him a bouquet i wouldn't worry about that um yeah i now now that i've thought about it i kind of i feel like i missed out on that the chance to be an employee not that i would have been

i would have just been at a place that had employees of the month. I wouldn't have necessarily been that employee. Maybe I'd really hunker down one month and like, just to get it on my nuts. Just for the one month? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then like yeah, well, but then my boss would be like

hey, why did you stop doing that? Why did you stop mopping the floor? I already got the prize I wanted. Yeah, I just wanted to be an employee of a month. You just got a huge ego, you know? You think I need to work hard? I was employee of the month one month in a row. Yeah, yeah.

Like the employees at my work, if they're just a sales associate, none of them could get their picture on the wall. They're all like hipster punks. I love them. You know they're going to hear this, right? They're great people, but they're total jerks. Why? People will come in and say, do you have this in another size? And they just stare at them

until they leave they just like play it real aloof like people are like excuse me excuse me excuse me and they're just like walking walking across the store and they're just like someone else will get it i don't work there yeah do you have to wear a uniform or is it no which is great and you don't even have to. The store is really cool. It's totally against any idea of corporate sort of corporatization. Is that a word? We don't even pay you here. It's crazy.

I don't know how they've gotten away with that for so long. No, we get to wear our own clothes. We don't even have to wear the store clothes. It's pretty easygoing. That's all right. What kind of clothes do you wear? Sometimes I wear my pajamas. Really?

Well, I've just been thinking. On pajama day. I've just been thinking, you know when you get in that desperate point of like you haven't done your laundry, but the only clean stuff you have is pajamas? So you're like slowly working the pajamas into the outfits, is pajamas. So you're like slowly working the pajamas

into the outfits like until it's just all one day on a Wednesday 100% pajama. So that's what I do. Like what do you mean like you'll wear

a pair of pajama pants as a scarf? Just when people are like, oh yeah, okay. Yeah. I never, like my pajamas

are the things that get dirtiest fast fastest it's like I spill coffee on them yeah because you're a family man

you have kids well now you don't go to bed in your clothes that's true but I've always been that way and I've never

like the idea of like oh you see people wearing pajamas on the airplane and you're like oh come on yeah come on I Yeah, come on.

I've never done that. Just to work. Yeah. Are you arriving, like, where are you going? Are you going directly to a bed? Yeah, you're going. Yeah, you came straight from a bed. You're going right to a bed.

Are you on the wrong flight? Are you going to the land of Nod? I like the idea of if someone changes out of their pajamas to change into their flight pajamas. These are my outdoor pajamas. These are my business pajamas. Now, Graham, your pants, these are like a, they're like a Tweety. Yeah, like Tweety bird sweatpants. No, they're like a herringbone tweed, but they look very comfy.

They're very comfy. They're like a dress pant that looks like it could... They look softer than a typical tweed. Yeah. Yeah. Very comfy. Bought them at the thrift store. And loving it, guys.

Really enjoying these pants. Yeah. I'm not opposed to a comfy pair of pants. You know what I mean? Who is? No. I don't know. You know, obviously.

I guess me. Yeah, I was just going to say you are on a plane, I guess. But there's a difference between a comfy pair of pants and a pajama. I can't really distinguish right now. Pajamas very rarely

have pockets in them. Oh, no. They very often do. Really? Yeah. Oh, I don't really distinguish right now. Pajamas very rarely have pockets in them. Oh, no. They very often do. Really? Yeah. Oh, I don't think I've ever had a pair of pajama pants in my pockets. All of my pajamas have pockets. Some even have a shirt pocket.

I like the shirt pocket for whatever you call it. Your nightclub. A pocket protector. Pocket square. Pocket protector. Yeah. Your nightclub bottles. Yeah, exactly.

That's true. You need to dose in the middle of the night yeah for somebody who's like sleepwalking and getting a lot of stuff done sleep drafting yeah um geez louise did you uh were you working in like a retail thing back in toronto as well no i was working in a strip club as a waitress what yeah for eight years no way why why are we talking about the other stuff okay so so what's that like so uh it is uh very uh unusual and crazy at first, especially if you're sexually repressed. I remember when I first started working at the one on Yonge Street I used to work at, and they were like, Amber, you know where you are, right? And if you could wear something a little bit more like Could you stop wearing your pajamas?

The guy's just like gesturing like low cut but like he knows he can't say it because it's like sexual harassment. You just wore more of like V-necks. He's just making a V motion. He wants me to wear an old Vancouver Canucks jersey. But I, you know, I didn't like I wasn't so bad with my wardrobe. It was more like my attitude. Like I, you know, I didn't, I didn't like, I wasn't so bad with my wardrobe.

It was more like my attitude. Like I didn't know how to deal with like circumstances that went on there. Like my, like I would wear like a pencil skirt. So like a knee length, like, you know, tight skirt and then like a tight tee. Like, so I don't think. That sounds like a, like a waitress outfit. It's kind of classy actually. But they're like, no.

And how many pieces of flair? No flair, thank God. They were a gentleman's club. So I worked in the VIP part of the club. And they, you know, it's pretty much just the same as a strip club. Yeah. What is the difference? There isn't a difference.

There are no gentlemen there, guys. What? Was it like just more expensive? Yeah, you There isn't a difference. There are no gentlemen there, guys. What? Was it just more expensive? Yeah, you had to pay a cover. And there's these insane champagne rooms. Oh, yeah, a bunch of celebrities came in. I met Ron Perlman. What?

Lou Perlman. I met a lot of celebrities, and it's really funny because I don't care. Yeah, but it's funny that you're meeting them in that atmosphere. Yeah. Like Ron Perlman was so nice. He was such a sweetheart. He was so respectful

and stuff. And then like Carmen Electra came in with like Piper Lee. Is that the girl from Coyote Ugly? Piper Parabo? Yeah, Piper Parabo.

She played Jersey. I don't care about her. Yeah, she came in with Carmen Electra and and like, Carmen Electra's really tiny. Really? Yeah. It's funny, because she's gorgeous, obviously. Right. But she's like very mini, like she had to be on someone's shoulders, like Mini-Me when Mini-Me came in.

Okay. Mini-Me came in, and he had to be on his like bouncer's shoulder like when she first became famous she was dating Prince and she recorded an album did she? yeah

she did yeah was that at the same time with Prince? yeah really? yeah like Prince was she was gonna be

what was the one before Sheena Sheena E? there was Sheila E or Sheena Easton? yeah I can't remember I think it was Sheila E Sheila Eena Easton? Yeah, I can't remember. I think it was Sheila E. Sheila E.

The percussionist? Yeah, he would date women and then he would want to make them into superstars. Wow. So yeah, Karma Electra. You can find one or two tracks on YouTube from her album. They're not bad. But I was going to say that Prince is notoriously pint-sized. Yeah, he's super tiny.

She just does his tracks like, My name is Carmen and I am funky. She just did all his songs. All the songs that mention him. Yeah, specifically. So I want to know more about this strip club waitressing. Oh, yeah. Okay.

What is a champagne room? I have no idea. And how much does it cost? Well, it costs the purchase of a bottle of champagne. Can you have like, bring me your cheapest bottle of champagne. Bring me a baby duck. Baby duck's not champagne, first of all. What is it? It's a sparkling wine. It me a baby duck. Baby duck's not champagne, first of all. What is it?

It's wine. It's a sparkling wine. It's sparkling, though. It is. Not the baby duck I drank. It was red wine. It's sparkling pink champagne. Jeez Louise.

I mean, it's not champagne because it's not from the region. It was so long ago that you could very well be correct. I was like, that's what I drank when I first started drinking when I was seven. Yeah, and it's super sweet. You get cavities the next day. I was a baby duck. Yeah, so I guess the most expensive bottle I think was like $9.50, and that was like Cristal, the pink one.

Shrug. Yeah. Rosé, Cristal Rosé. Wow. That was actually the name of one of the dancers. Oh, I know. I used to make a joke about one of the dancers being named Exquisite, which is like a shitty vodka.

But what part of that was a joke? Was there a dancer named Exquisite? There wasn't, but there was ridiculous names. What were some of the names? Kitty, Miss Kitty. Miss Kitty, sure. Miss Kitty. a joke was there a dancer there wasn't but there was ridiculous names what were some of the names kitty miss kitty miss kitty sure miss kitty was a very very famous uh stripper if that's the thing that can happen like like everyone knew her at all like she would come into the strip club i worked at later on down the road and like like everyone would be like, Miss Kitty's here. Make a Miss Kitty. Like a drink was named after her. And the drink was like actually really smart. It was like, you can understand like stripper mentality

when you think of this drink. It was like two shots of Grey Goose, a splash of cranberry on the rocks. So she still had a very highly concentrated alcoholic drink, even if all the ice cubes melted. She's very smart. Yeah, Miss Kitty, she's a real brain turd. And was it like because it was a gentleman's club, the guys were fairly well behaved? Not because it was a gentleman's club, the guys were fairly well behaved. Not because it was a gentleman's club. Because we had like Olympic weightlifter bouncers.

That's why. Yeah. I saw a guy get like pretty messed up. Oh, oh, guys, I forgot. I forgot this all about this. OK, so one one point I showed up for work, and, like, this place, I don't know if I can mention it or not. Can I mention the name of the club?

Yeah, I don't care. It's advertising for them. It's called the Brass Rail on Young, and it just has, like, this giant, like, these pictures of these beautiful women in bikini tops and stuff. Employees of the month. Yeah, all the employees of the month there, yeah. of the month. Yeah,

all the employees of the month there. And like one, once the sign caught on fire and on the other side of the sign was the club that I worked in.

It was one of the actual dancing, private dancing booths. Caught on fire? Like it caught on fire. Was it, what's a, how big a booth

are we talking about? Oh, not very big. Like for two people? Yeah, just like half a love seat, and then it's like enclosed, and then it's almost completely private. There's kind of draping curtains or whatever. Like caught on fire.

Yeah, but this isn't the best story I have from that place. Once I was at the top of the stairs, it was on the second floor, stairs went up, and I was at the top of the stairs, like there's stairs, it was on the second floor, stairs went up and I was at the top of the stairs talking to the door guy because it was dead. And my best friend that worked there was with me and we heard a gunshot right at the foot of the stairs. And I just grabbed her hand and we ran into like the back where like our like waitress lockers were and like hid. In the lockers? This guy got shot right out of the front of the clubs. No way.

These aren't good stories. These are horrible stories. That's not even the best story. This guy got killed there and we were so scared. Yeah. Oh, man. Tell me more about these lockers. It's a terrible story because actually it wasn't even one of the pervs

that was in the club that got shot. It was like a bystander walking past the club. Oh, no. And they were shooting at the bouncers. Really? Probably things didn't go down nicely when they got kicked out. Don't they check for guns and such? Yeah, what they did was they kicked this guy out.

Oh, and then he went and got his gun from his car. And it was on the cover of like Toronto Life or something. There was all these bullets

and this one guy got shot in front of the brass. He had his name over a bullet, which is like morbid and weird, but.

Yeah, what? Like they wrote his name over? Yeah, they had all these bullets as all the people who got shot in toronto that year and oh and then there was an article that had the club i saved the

article because i'm weird look mom and dad um no i didn't tell my mom is it uh like was it a okay place to work yeah like i always thought I always felt safe there. You worked there eight years. No, I worked there four years. I actually quit because they wouldn't give me the night off to do a stand-up gig. They suspended me because they're like, you said you were sick. And I was like, yeah, right. I fucking asked for this. Oh, I swear.

That's fine. I asked for this day off like a month ago. You guys can't give me one day off yeah come on I'm out there slinging champagne the most expensive stuff

I'm up there yeah I don't get a cut of that at all they're like they looked it up on Facebook so I was on

like a show well that's on you yeah it's on you for promoting it on Facebook yeah but like I had a month

I gave them a month of notice and whatever, anyway. It's water under the bridge. I'm still like, I still, I just talked to one of the head bartenders

there recently and he's like, how's Vancouver? He's a really fun guy and stuff. Yeah, like. Was it okay? Like, you made tips and stuff? Was it an okay place for that?

The reason why I kept on for so long, you guys will, I'm not a big weirdo. Like, I didn't like working in a strip club. Right. At no point did we think you were weird. Oh, uh i am well we all are i guess a little bit uh but i just continued it because even though it was evening job i only had to work about three

nights a week because it's pretty good money i was able to make in those three nights and the other four nights a week you would pretend to be sick. I'd be sick. Was there, in the strip club, was there a song that was overplayed? Like a song that you can't hear anymore without thinking like, duh, that's the strip club song. I can't pour sugar on anyone without thinking that. Thunderstruck's a pretty popular one. Really?

Yeah, because it's just like really I mean, for that style of dancer You know, like that's Going for that type of customer Yeah, I want a greasy metal guy Yeah, exactly An 80s metal gentleman I want a jock jam

Yeah I think the most funny Songs that I heard in a strip club, like while a dancer was dancing to them, was like Celine Dion. Celine Dion? What song? This one woman was very sensual,

like an exotic type presence on stage. She had a sandwich named after her. Sometimes she had like a scarf that she would do like some stuff. Whenever Celine Dion is playing

a scarf gets its wings. Oh wow. Yeah. Celine Dion see wouldn't have wouldn't have counted that. Yeah. Yeah.

Huh. But yeah. Yeah, Thunderstruck. That makes sense. I could go on all day if you guys want to just talk about this. All right. We're not opposed to it. Yeah, like how many times have you been to a strip club? This week?

Maybe you don't answer that. I've been like three or four times and not in a long time no i haven't been in a very long time and every time i've gone it's been in um like a group of guys and we're somewhere and we pass by a strip club and go hey let's go i just remembered we're of age yeah let's go in there and then we're always in there for a while. This thing I thought would be the greatest thing when I was 14. Yeah, and then you get in there and it's kind of like. Depressing? Yeah, one song in and you're like, let's get out of here.

Because you kind of buy one drink and they're like, you know, it's $11 or something for a beer. It's expensive. And then, you know, like it's. Did people order food? was there was there a kitchen? there wasn't at my first job

okay there was at the second one and was the food gross? no it was alright actually like the the cook I knew him

we were buddies right his name was Wing he was this Asian guy named Wing which was pretty funny cause that's what you served I was like

yeah I was like sorry what's your name, Wang? Because I really thought he just had an Asian name. And he's like, no, Wing. And I was like, okay. You're way off. He's like Guilo. The idea of eating a strip club, for some reason, seems way more disgusting than eating anywhere else.

Yeah, and I've done that. I did that in Montreal. There's, like, a place that has, like, a breakfast. A vegetarian strip club. Yeah, I went to one in Portland that was a vegetarian strip club. Are you serious? Yeah, it was gross. Ugh.

Yeah. But I only went, because that's the thing. But I only went, because that's the thing. If you go to Portland, that's like one of their things that they're civically proud of. Or it's like a point of, like they have more strip clubs in Portland than any other city. Oh, I thought you meant vegetarianism. That as well. Yeah, also that. Yeah, but they're like, we got this type of strip club and that type.

They're all just strip clubs. There's no like, you know, this one's only Spock themed. Yeah. That would actually be good. That'd be pretty cool. Like a nerd strip club. There's no like, you know, this one's only Spock themed. Yeah. That would actually be good. Like a nerd strip club. Yeah. Yeah.

They should do a Comic-Con strip club. Yeah. That's not bad, actually. I could see that being a thing. But,

yeah. But it was okay. It was an okay place to work. Yeah, like, I applied at a couple other ones

because I just needed a job really quickly when I moved to work. Yeah, like I applied at a couple other ones because I just needed a job really quickly when I moved to Toronto. And this one place was so sketched. They're like, hey, you're here for the waitressing position? And I was like, yeah, here's my resume. And they're like, yeah, come into the office. And I was just like oh no

okay and I just rode my bike there but still tried to look nice so it was like I was feeling real gross already and then they're like hey you know

do you like Thunderstruck? yeah yeah I'm a fan of ACD they put on some Celine Dion they just tried they just like kept putting on different songs until like i perked up

yeah yeah and it's uh make you want to dance they really were just like super slimy and we're like you know you're a pretty girl like how you how you hear in the the movies i was like this is a line you're saying like this is in the movies as a creep guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I just was like, oh, yeah, thanks. Thank you. And no, you should really think about dancing. And I was like, oh, no, no, just waitressing. So if there is actually a waitressing job, then maybe I'll do that. Well, all of our waitresses here also dance.

Yeah. And then after that. All of our dancers are pregnant. So we're looking for. I'm like, give me my resume back. And he gives it back to you and you can see through it. It's all slimy. It's greased through.

And you think that's from him, but it's because I rode my bike there and I just used it for like a napkin. Yeah, I wrapped some fish and chips in it. Dabbed my forehead. Yeah, being a woman sounds awful it's tough it's a tough gig I was just like

what if there like I needed a job so badly I'm like what if there really is a waitressing thing so it's very tricky on trying to like

be like no thanks but wait waitress yeah yeah and just like also get out of there as quickly as possible

but like there are other waitress jobs. It's like going on Craigslist and being like, I'm just looking for a legitimate massage. Yeah. I applied for other waitressing jobs too, but in the end, I'm glad I didn't.

You know, I learned a lot, and I got to be around a lot of crazy personalities and stuff. A lot of crazy boobs. Yeah. And I actually got along with a lot of the dancers too.. A lot of crazy boobs. Yeah, and like, you know, I actually got along with a lot of the dancers too. It's just like any other job, like,

you get along with some people, some personalities, you won't with others. Doesn't matter what they're... Exquisite. Think she's so cool. Oh my God. Another crazy boots.

Anastasia was a name. Carmen was a name. Anastasia, did she do like she was a Russian? Did she do like a Russian? She was Polish. Carmen's not a funny name. Unless it's followed by San Diego.

Which case. Oh, yeah. The Carmen San Diego themed dancer. Oh, my God. Comes out in a big trench coat. Yeah, that would be actually. That works. Yeah.

She's planted all these like monuments around the stage and she like i stole the you know the arc de triomphe yeah it's the only uh strip number where you have to learn things and you're like i don't know i don't know where belize is just show me your loot And you're like, I don't know. I don't know where Belize is. Just show me your loot. What's going on with you, Dave? Not a heck of a lot. Since we last spoke, we all exercised our civic duty and voted in our local election.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. And normally I will vote for, like, I'll do some research and I'll be like, who's the candidate who appeals to me the most? But this year a guy on my street was running, so I was like, I'm voting for the guy on my street. Daddy Dave, you've really changed. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, well, fair enough.

He's going to look out for your street at the very least. Exactly. We got to get these traffic signals in. We got to repave the alleyway. Yeah, exactly. The garbage would always be picked up on time. Oh, you're telling me. Super quiet.

They don't even, they push the garbage truck down the street so it doesn't make any noise. Yeah, don't bother Dave. He voted for me. But there were like, there's like, I guess three main candidates. Yeah. And then on the ballot, did you vote?

Yep. Did you vote? I voted for a student council president in grade eight. Well, fair enough. I used to,

when I voted, I used to just always vote Green Party and now I'm just like, that was a cop out. That was just a cop out that I was doing. I could throw always vote Green Party. And now I'm just like, that was a cop-out. That was just a cop-out that I was doing. I could throw my vote away without even going in. I would rather just inform people to vote.

I'm not informed, so. Fair enough. I'm not terribly informed either, especially with, like, municipal elections. Like, who cares who's on the parks board? Well, that was the thing. I studied up for the mayor ticket and a couple of the city council seats. But then you get in there and they're like, pick eight. And I'm like, I only read about three.

You don't have to pick all eight. No, I didn't. And, like, you can vote. Apparently, statistically, the people whose names start at the beginning of the alphabet all eight. Yeah, I did. And like you can vote apparently statistically the people whose names start at the beginning of the alphabet win more often. Yeah.

Because there's so many people on the list that are like just like, you know, you just gotta fill eight. Well, you do start

like picking names kind of like after five. You're like, this guy's last name is Park. He should be on the Park Sports. He's Korean. Yeah, that's a slam dunk. Well, I never really liked anyone named Rick, so you're not getting my vote, Rick. And then they also have.

I'm voting for Exquisite. I would totally vote for her. But they also had. I'm not voting for exquisite. I would totally vote for her. I didn't vote for anybody for the school board because I was like, boy, that's out of my depth. I'm not going to research the school board or anything. So I just left that. Because they make you vote for 20 different people.

It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah, they made me vote for the you know head cheerleader yeah homecoming queen not not kevin brad i'm a brad guy um but yeah no it's uh uh you know fun yeah it is i don't know i i like voting day it's uh you know you get to Yeah, it is. I don't know. I, I like voting day. It's, uh, you know,

you get to meet some people. It was, it was super like every time I've ever voted in the past, it's taken two minutes. You go in, you show your ID, uh, and then you get the thing and you fill it out and you leave this time.

I, we like, we took the baby and the dog down there. And I was like, Abby, grandpa vote. Your grandpa did not vote. Abby, uh, We took the baby and the dog down there, and I was like, Abby. Did Grandpa vote? Grandpa did not vote. Abby went in and voted with the baby, and I stood outside with the dog, and I was like,

okay, when you're done in two minutes, we'll switch and I'll go in. Right. And it was 45 minutes. Whoa. And so I didn't vote. And then I went, we just went home home and then later I voted somewhere else wow I'm just really still angry

grandpa didn't get to vote he could he would vote for parks almost exclusively parks yeah exactly but yeah you don't even

need your ID anymore no they just give you a thing yeah so you just need a body yeah you just need to

he doesn't even have to be living yeah he didn't drag a corpse in there you weekend at Bernie's like when You just need a body? Yeah. You just need to... He doesn't even have to be living. He didn't drag a corpse in there. You weekend at Bernie's, like one, two different guys. Yeah, exactly. You just need to sign and say, yeah, that's me. Yeah.

Yeah, so I could have voted for you. Yeah. Oh, well, next year. Next, we do yearly elections here, right? One year terms. And the other thing that was going on, I'm not sleep deprived, but our sleeping schedules are super strange now that we have the baby. And Abby stays up late with the baby and I get up early with the baby. But sometimes in the middle, I don't know what's going on.

Right. And so my favorite thing that has happened is, um, one day, uh, like my shift usually starts around five. Okay. Uh, one day I woke up at two 30, the baby was crying and I was like, okay, well, it's my job to, uh, take the baby at this point. I didn't know it was 2.30 in the morning. So I just picked up the baby and went into the kitchen. And I looked at the clock and I was like, oh, it's 2.30. So I brought the baby back.

Gave it to Abby. And Abby was like, do you know what you just did? And apparently Abby was breastfeeding and i woke up grabbed the baby pulled her away the baby wasn't screaming the baby had been screaming or not screaming but like sort of she wakes up she makes noises and uh i guess in the there was a few seconds uh where she wasn't making noises where she was breastfeeding and that's where i took her away you're like i'll show you who's in control of your feeding yeah yeah these goats are making pancakes yeah Come on in the kitchen. I'll give you a Toblerone. That's so funny. Oh, wow. Yeah, but

you're getting some sleep, right? You're getting a little rest. I'm getting plenty. You look well-rested. Yeah. Yeah. I'm doing fine. The whole team looks good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I have an amazing amount of paternity leave. Yeah, that's true. It's gotta be pretty nice. So, like, we have nowhere to be at any time.

Yeah. So, you know, I can fall asleep right now. That's true. Dave was asleep at the beginning of the podcast. That's why it's sort of picked up now. Yeah. When you heard the clapping, that was us trying to wake him up.

But, yeah, it would be super cool if a guy on your street won. Oh yeah, did he? He came in fifth. Oh. Got 700 votes. Yeah, that's not bad. It's not bad at all. So like nothing then.

Spitz means no go. Yeah, no, he didn't win. No, yeah, he doesn't. But it is like nothing. But it's also like, how many of those people just accidentally voted for him? Yeah, I wonder. Yeah, there's got to be a lot of people just accidentally voted for him? Yeah, I wonder. Yeah, there's got to be a lot of people who just went in and were like, I don't like any of the top three people. I'm just going to vote for, you know.

Abram Abramson. Yeah, exactly. This guy from the ghost party. People love alliteration. Yep. It's true. Maybe. That's how Kris Kristofferson got elected president. If your name rhymes or there's alliteration. Yep. It's true. That's how Chris Christopherson got

elected president. If your name rhymes or there's alliteration. Didn't Philip Phillips win American Idol once? Peter Parker. You know. Bruce Banner. Let's go through the alphabet. Calvin Coolidge.

Dirk Diggler. Dirk Diggler is great, yeah. Eric Erickson Yeah F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F up to Prince George to do a show for a bunch of anesthetists. You didn't mention that part. Yeah. And it was anesthetists, anesthesiologists. Yeah. They're called anesthesiologists in the States, but in Canada and Europe, they're called anesthetists,

which sounds like estheticians. Yeah. It wasn't, wasn't one of the strippers named anesthetists? Yeah. She's Polish. Yeah. estheticians yeah wasn't one of the strippers named anesthetics yeah I think she's Polish yeah and by the end

of her act she put everybody to sleep there was one named esthetician no she had crazy long nails

and like yeah really fancy she kept trying to upsell you to an exfoliant she had like a tattoo of the business

come get your nails did. Yeah. So like these dudes, they were just like exactly what you would expect. A room full of people who put people to sleep for a living would be like kind of drab. Not super alert, you know. And they're not getting high on their own supply. I think they are. And they just, the only thing that really got them going was that I told them that when I was like, you know, that if you know anybody who works in a hospital, everybody has a story about somebody coming in and they've put something up their butt.

Yeah. And it's gotten lost up there. Sure. And man, like then people were just shouting out their favorite things that they had seen in the emergency room. And the one guy. This was weeks ago. Yeah. This was a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. Yeah. but i don't think i talked about it yeah yeah no you didn't yeah uh the number one thing that they all agreed like i took a vote well i was like what what would you say if you had to guess what

the number like what is the one you've seen the most common oh can we guess yeah yeah absolutely across the board it was one everybody almost yelled it out in unison thing you put a thing you put up your butt the most jeopardy category oh boy okay so it's not not gonna be something fragile like a light bulb or an egg or is it a light bulb it was a light bulb absolutely light bulb was number. Now I'm assuming we're talking Christmas lights. Not the new, like the low energy compact. Oh yeah, like some hippie comes in with like, yeah. These are $40, but they last 40 years.

Up my butt. Yeah. So it was, they said like that was the number one thing that people stuck in their their butts would it i don't know never mind i don't know what would you my strategy i would put it in a condom first uh my strategy would be to uh screw it in like a light bulb and then walk around with it and then put my finger in a socket Yeah. And to tell everybody that my butt has an idea. Or your butt's feeling festive. Yeah, exactly. Everybody gather around my Christmas butt.

And then the other thing was, I asked them, because they were all from northern BC. And I was like what's the thing that like you guys all work in the emergency room what's the number

one reason people are in the emergency room and the verdict was okay chainsaw accident not far away

from that being like so stoned and think they're dying that happened to me once I went to emergency did you really yeah

yeah like hot yeah man and you were like i think i'm dying i was like i think i'm dying like i was in my apartment like i can't stand like if i stand up i'm gonna fall down you'll fall through the floor it's lucky that the hospital was actually two blocks away because i just like shimmied like an old lady. You got in a wheelbarrow. And I went in there and they're like, I'm like, I can't breathe. I'm dying. And they're like, well, we took your oxygen levels and it's a hundred percent.

And I was like, no, no, I'm dying. That must've been a fun shift for them. They're like, yeah, have a seat in the waiting room. And like, obviously they haven't even like, they haven't told a doctor to come see me. They're just waiting for me to pass out from like anxiety or whatever. Or sober up and leave. Well, what happened was I just was so worked up that I think the anxiety, like I just started falling asleep.

And when you woke up, there was a light bulb up your butt. Yeah. It was real Christmassy. It was a string of lights. Boy, I don't know which way to go. Do I keep going down? Have you seen, have you heard that call with the guy who's calling into 911 because he's two-stoned?

No, I don't want to hear it. And he's like, my wife he's two-stoned. No, I want to hear it. And he's like, my wife and I ate some brownies, and I think we're dying. I think we're dead. I think we're dead. And he asks the operator, are you watching the hockey game right now? Because I think I'm hallucinating something.

Do you know what the score is? No, I'm not watching it. What does the score say? 3-3. It's not even outrageous. Yeah, no, exactly. Regular hockey score. Graham, what is the most common emergency room thing? People falling off of a quad, like a 4x4 or an atv yeah an atv atv

accidents number one number one of all northern bc yeah because it's northern bc yeah it's uh anyway so it was a weird it was a weird bunch of dudes but like what's what is the most common one here i would imagine that it's something drinking related like i would assume like at the er it's got to be like i was drunk and i did this i don't know or just you know being like an old person you know having a heart attack being an old person you know you're all fragile can you treat that uh is there anything wrong sir i'm old i old. I would go to the emergency room all the time. I'm dying every day. Yeah. Speaking of old people, I started

in hospitals. Yeah. I started watching the Johnny Knoxville movie Bad Grandpa today. Oh yeah, I've seen it. I couldn't. I can't do it. It's not even... Does it get good? No. There's one stunt in it that's really funny, but you could just watch that one stunt. Okay.

It's where he's on the coin operated rocket. Anyways, I won't spoil it for you. All right. I'll fast forward to that. Yeah. The rest of it is just like, you know, they were just like, how many gags can we have an old guy do? Make everyone else feel terrible around him. Yeah.

Including the viewer. For some reason, they thought they had to stitch in a narrative to it. Yeah, he's got to take care of his grandson. Yeah, it was like, just show a sequence of, I don't need to see a plot, you know. And it's not much of a plot. I think it probably wasn't successful because they cut out the scene with the old guy in the light bulb. I don't need to see a plot, you know, and it's not much of a plot. I think it probably wasn't successful because they cut out the scene with the old guy in the light bulb. Yeah, the most relatable scene in the movie.

I don't know that it wasn't successful. No, I think it was very successful. I've never heard of that movie. Probably cost a million dollars to make. Maybe twice that. I would be surprised if it crossed the million dollar threshold. Because it really is like mostly just handheld

camera. But you know, God bless him. He's making, he's still making crazy. Yeah, the mask itself,

the prosthetics should cost a million. Yeah, that's true. He's dressed as Worf. Those are the prosthetics they use.

It's the cheapest thing. Oh, you're being an old guy? We got dressed as Worf. Those are the prosthetics they used. It was the cheapest thing. Oh, you're being an old guy? We got this old Worf. Do you know what? Well, technically, Worf is 150 years old. We don't have any old guys, though. Do you know that Worf's first name is John? John Worf?

John Worf. It's not true. It is. It is not. Everyone calls him Worf because it's like, hey, Worf. It's John Worf. John Worf It's not true It is It is not Everyone calls him Worf Because it's like Hey Worf It's John Worf John Worf Do you know what

Gilligan's first name is? No Willie Willie Gilligan Yeah Really? Yeah Willie?

Willie Gilligan Willie? Willie Worf Oh speaking of I like read this crazy thing Like 10 things you didn't know About Alf Of course you did What are the you didn't know about Alf.

Of course you did. What are the two things you know about Alf? Oh, everything. I know all this stuff. He's from Metal Mask. Yeah, his real name is Gordon Shumway. But apparently it was just the worst sitcom to work on. Everybody was losing their mind because they were all just, the whole cast was just there to like serve up one liners to this puppet.

And the guy that controlled the puppet made everybody treat the puppet like it was a real person. I'm not a method actor, but this puppet is. And then they built the set. The whole set was like six feet off the ground. So the puppet could pop up in all these different locations. Oh, yeah. And people nearly fell down these trap doors all the time. There was trap doors all over the set.

Like it was crazy intricate. Anyways, that guy, the guy still has the puppet. Of course. And he's like planning a comeback for him and stuff. You got to read about this guy guy he's the executive producer i'm not much of a reader i think i told you all the juicy stuff yeah exactly but like yeah the uh the guy who played willie on his last day like when they said okay cut on your last scene he just walked to his dressing room, put on his coat, and walked out the back door without saying goodbye. And he never, yeah, like everybody quit.

They hated it so much. Everybody quit as soon as the show was over. You know, there was no tears. There was no like, oh, man, I'm going to miss this place. It was really like a family. It was just like, oh, thank God that's over. Anyways. Well, everyone was so afraid

they're going to slide down a trap door like the whole time. Yeah. Think about your adrenaline all the time. It's like, when you were describing that,

I think ALF might have been my favorite show for a time. Oh, it was definitely my favorite show for a time. And like, if I was to design a dream house, it would have so many trap doors at that time. So it makes sense.

And also, Alf would be living there. Yeah, exactly. Me, Alf, bunch of trap doors, water slide. School's canceled. Also, I bought the school and burned it down. That was really a great kid fantasy, dreaming about burning your school yeah yeah it was like just oh man and schools do catch fire quite a bit yeah like every halloween i remember like when elementary school some kids broke into the, like, over the holidays. Somebody, like, broke in through a skylight, and they fired off, like, all the fire extinguishers.

And, like, it was totally just teenagers. But when we showed up at school, like, the principal came on, the announcement was like, ah, just so you know, the school's been broken into. And all the kids, you could hear them in every other classroom. Yay! It's just the greatest day of our life. I love that it's like, we hate school so much that even during vacation, we're going to go there. We're going to break into the school when we're not allowed. And just goof around.

It's like if they went on Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil would be like, you act like you're not in love with the school, but you are. Yeah. Oh, by the way, Dr. Phil, I watched this past week. He's wearing a toupee now. Like no one would notice. What? He's got like hair now? Yeah.

Really? No. Oh, that would just be amazing. Well, because remember when Jason Alexander started showing up with hair and you're like, wait a minute. Like you're famously bald. You can't do that. No.

Right. Well, you can, but you look like a dum-dum. I definitely think Dr. Phil would look good with like a little Marv Albert swoop. No, I want like the full, like the old Bieber, like right down to the eyebrows. I'd love it with like Jerry curl, likel. Like an old... Like a chia. Ch-ch-ch-chia. Yeah. Oh, that would look good.

That'd be tight. Bit 70s. But, like, a really wet Jerry Curl. Like, super shiny. Shiny. Pretty good. Yeah. Do you want to move on to Overheard?

Yeah. All right. This is Biz. And I'm Teresa. And we host a show called One Bad Mother, a comedy podcast about parenting. Not a parenting podcast. Guess what? We both just had babies.

Again. Check out the show, enjoyed by breeders and ballers alike, on iTunes or MaximumFun.org. Hey, Ross. Hey, Keri. Hey, it's me, your co-host. Oh, yeah. We have a show, don't we? We have a show.

Oh, no, Ross and Keri. Oh, no, Ross and Keri. It's it's me, your co-host. Oh, yeah. We have a show, don't we? We have a show. Oh, no, Ross and Keri. Oh, no, Ross and Keri. It's about undercover investigations of fringe groups. Yeah, like the Tony Alamo Ministries cult. Yep. That's led by a pedophile. He's in jail. He's in jail.

Also, we became Mormons. We became Raelians, which is a UFO group. That's right. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis. Yes, the 9-11 Truthers. We got cupped. We got acupunctured. We joined the Ordo Templi Orientis. Yes, the 9-11 Truthers. We got cupped. We got acupunctured. We got reiki.

Pretty much anything that you've heard of and been like, that doesn't sound quite right. We've done that. So you don't have to do it. So if you want to hear about this, and you should, then go to MaximumFun.org. MaximumFun.org. Overheard.

Overheard's a segment in which we overhear things out there and then come back in here in the deep. You're rolling it. Yeah, we're rolling it. We always like to start with the guests. Okay. We lead the charge. Yeah, I'll lead. All right.

Okay, so this isn't so much about the content of the overheard as much as the circumstance. So my boyfriend and I had just finished having sex. Okay. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you. We then heard our neighbors very vocally having sex, way more vocally than we had just in like the you know the seven minute time frame we had sex for and for like 25 minutes and we were just like lying there like we are so inadequate right now do you think they heard you? Yeah. Do you think that's what started it?

No, no. Like if they're really competitive, you know? Yeah, but I don't think like, you know, the walls are so thin and then like,

I'm just like, I don't, I don't care to let people know what I'm doing. So like, we just both, both break over about our, but then, you know,

we also just felt like we're both terrible in bed. They were like, ah! And you guys are texting each other during it. Like, oh, that's nice. And, like, you don't know, yeah, you don't know, like, it's happening, like, that that's what's happening. You think that's what's happening because you just had sex yourself. But at first I thought like he just stubbed his toe really hard.

And then I heard another one. You'll find out that there's been a murder in your building. Oh, that's what that was. Oh, awesome. I'm pretty good at sex maybe. Do you see these people? Maybe.

Like, do you know what direction it was coming from? Yeah, upstairs, but we don't really run into it. The building is perfectly designed to not run into anyone if you don't want to. Lots of trap doors everywhere. It's your heaven. That's why I wanted it as a kid. If Alf lives in one of those apartments. While they were going at it, did someone go, I kill me.

Well, you know, it could very well have happened. If there was a murder, I mean. Yeah, absolutely. Pretty good. Dave, do you got one? I've got a couple From the voting day Now the greatest thing About voting

Is It takes You get to enter These weird public buildings Yeah Yeah that's true They're either at a church Or a community center

Or in my case A school Yep Mine was an elementary school As well Maybe the same one Possibly Something something annex

Nope Okay Saint something something annex nope okay saint something something oh something something um uh the first thing i heard was uh uh because it was like a 20 minute line when i was there maybe 15 minutes and i heard this kid with his dad and uh he was the the walls were covered with two things i'll get to the second thing uh later but the first thing it was covered with was like the class of 1993 and it's like everyone every kid from that school i think it was just kindergarten to like grade two or three um in a big class photo for every year that the school's been around and so the kid would be going through all the pictures and i just overheard the kid say uh dad look at this guy and the dad said is it another cool dude and the kid said yeah

that's pretty good um and the other thing uh uh they had was these um uh i guess every kid in a class had uh designed their own dollar bill okay so it had uh it had like a uh a template um it was uh you know shaped like a large dollar fifty dollar bill or whatever and it had you know how a piece of money has someone's face on it yeah it had like you know the the neck and and shoulders of a person and you got to draw in the face of whoever yeah was on it that's kind of fun and then uh you could write uh it wasn't like write a dollar amount you had to write what uh you valued so it was like family yeah it would be blank it's worth a million dollars oh okay um and so there there were uh a bunch uh of examples yep um uh one said my mom is worth a million dollars one said my grandma and my cat is worth a million dollars. One that said, my grandma and my cat is worth a million dollars.

Together. One that said, living across the street from a park is worth a million dollars. And then there were a bunch that said this and I kind of got the feeling

that like the teacher was like, for example, you could say, living across the park from the street is worth a million dollars. One kid wrote, being Swedish and Scottish is worth a million dollars. Both of those were spelled wrong.

Swedish with a T and Scottish with a K and just one T. And then someone had, having a house and a lot of friends is worth a lot of money. And then there was a picture of, uh, a, uh, whoever, whoever's face was on the dollar bill. Yeah. And they were saying, no slaves, please. Uh, pretty good. Yeah. Yeah.

Uh, you know, that's the problem with our money is there's no speech bubbles. Yeah. Good grief. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's the problem with our money is there's no speech bubbles. Yeah. Good grief. Yeah. Me on the $20 bill? Yeah. I'm not worthy. Ack.

Don't spend this all on chocolate. All our Kathy money. Yeah, Kathy. This is worth 50 Kathy bucks. My overheard. So you should vote Because you get to go to an elementary school Yeah you get to see what's going on inside an elementary school Use their tiny urinals

I don't like those little guys The munchkins? Yeah You get to uncle buck it up Smoke a cigar in the hallway That's probably how I would act Go to a Drink out of a tiny water fountain smoke a cigar in the hallway. That's probably how I would act. Go to a, drink out of a tiny water fountain

three feet off the ground. Yeah, it is fun. And then you get to see the basketball hoops and you get to see what stage decorations, you know, what pageant they're doing this year.

Yeah, the whole school was wide open. You could go anywhere you wanted. Yeah. Grade some papers. My overheard comes courtesy of being in line very long bank lineup

and there was a lady who wasn't very many like tellers and there was a lady who was closing her account which I feel like I don't know if you do that on a whim

or whatever but it doesn't seem like something you do at the head of like a huge long line. I don't know where you do it, but I thought you'd have to go into a side office to like close an account. Make an appointment. Yeah. You have to make an appointment, I think. Yeah. Well, this lady didn't and they were closing her account and then like, and everybody was waiting on her to finish.

So you could hear everything they were saying. And everybody was waiting on her to finish so you could hear everything they were saying. And the teller was like, well, okay, and you're going to sign all these papers. And how do you want your money back? And the lady said, in cash. And then when she counted out the money, she was like, 10, 20, 30, $40. Oh, man. You closed your $40 account?

Yeah. You know, I mean, you know, I've had $40 in the bank before, but I'm like, I'm not closing that account. Yeah. And that means that the account is good. Things are good. Yeah. So anyways, I thought it was like, and it was so long. It was such a long, detailed process. And like, I don't know if you've ever, the ATM has made it sort of unnecessary to ever talk to a human.

Yeah. But when you need to. Unless you need change. When you need to, it is weird. It's like, am I in the right place? Yeah. Can you deal with this here? I'm sitting in a chair. Why am I sitting at the bank thing?

Like, you know, like when you had to go to that one teller at the end yeah hop up on this stool chair um i don't like going into the side offices i always feel like that's very you know like where you have to go talk to somebody about yeah like they're gonna take all your money yeah yeah yeah if you go in there just don't go in there because they're gonna take it just don't go if they tell you you have to go just no no we're dealing with this out here i went i have like uh under my card i have you can just open accounts like online and like i want to keep some money in this thing and save up for whatever right uh i went like i forget what i even needed but i had to talk to a person and they were like uh well while you're're here, let's offer you something. And so they're like, would you like overdraft protection?

And they didn't really speak English very well, which I think is weird at a bank because it's. Yeah. It's, yeah. You need to communicate pretty. Yeah. Pretty well. Like exact amounts and things. And they did it.

Like, I was like, but I. You thought they said over giraffe. Yeah, over giraffe protection. In case your house gets attacked by a wild long-necked animal. But they were like, they offered me this overdraft and I was like, okay, fine, yeah, sure.

Maybe you get a bonus. I don't care. I'm trying to be nice i know a guy signed me and then they signed they signed me up in the completely wrong account it's just like i'm i don't even use this account i'm not gonna run out of money in it i once the guy signed me up for a thing on my account where you had to keep like he's like if you keep your account at this level then you get free checks and all this kind of stuff. And I was like, yeah.

And I'm like, I never use checks for anything. And then, like, now I have to keep that account, like, on a certain level or I get penalized. Like, how did I let this guy sign me up because of all the free checks, which I still have not taken advantage of. Oh, I love checks. Yeah? I used to get. You write them for, like like a what like a like a

mars bar no but when you when you order checks you can have a little message oh yeah and it's mine i think my current checks say have you have you hugged your grandkids lately but like you from like a selection of pre-existing messages. You can't have your own message. 9-11 was an inside joke. Yeah. Boo. Or ask me about my grandkids, I think is what it says. That's pretty good. I mean.

Why was it? Because like, I haven't written a check in years. How do you pay rent? Cash. Oh, just with your roommates? Yeah. Someone writes a check? Somebody writes a check, yeah.

Yeah, I would make it rain. Go into my roommate's room while he's still asleep. Oh, when you were working at the strip club, did people make it rain? Yeah. Really? How many times a week? Not often. Zero.

Not often. People, you got to be pretty, you got to be on a lot of drugs. Did Drake ever come in? Yeah, all the time. He seems like a sad strip club type. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, Mickey Rourke came in. He came in.

Wow. He seems like the guy who'd be. I think when he was filming The Wrestler, he came in there. I think that's what he was filming. Yeah, he seems like a strip club. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think you'd ever be surprised by who goes into a strip club Yeah I don't think you'd ever be surprised By who goes into a strip club

I don't think you'd be like Neil Patrick Harris Oh Pauly Shore came in Yep There he is Totally Yeah He came in and he just

Michael Madsen You know People you wouldn't think Like Future serial killers Came in there. Yeah, sure. Now, we also have overheards sent in to us from around the world.

If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to spy at maximumfund.org. This first one comes from Allison C. These are all kid-related ones. Oh, they say the darndest. The kids were all right in this good streak. At an elementary school, two kindergarten boys drinking at a side-by-side water fountain. Oh, they say the darndest. The kids were all right in this good streak. At an elementary school, two kindergarten boys drinking at a side-by-side water fountain. One looks up and says to the other, real casual, you come here often?

That's cute. That's like a New Yorker cartoon. Yeah, they think they're people. Yeah, I was just here. I was just here yesterday. Oh, boy. Did you have a favorite water fountain when you were a kid in elementary school? Do you remember where it was in the school?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, me too. I had a favorite that had the coolest water. It was really cold. Yeah. The really, really cold. Ours had these elastic things attached to them so that they constantly ran water because there was like like lead in the pipes or like rust or something like if they if the water is ever still for too long then it would just be like blurp or you would there was a higher chance that there would be you know toxins in it

like don't worry it's fine if the elastics on yeah um but exactly. Wow. Looking back, I'm like, I don't ever remember drinking water except out of water fountains. Like, if I was home, I don't remember

having a glass of water. Oh, and I used to slurp them like crazy. Oh, boy, yeah. Gym class? Big slurps? Big lineup behind me?

I don't care. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. After gym class, that was the most important time. save some for the fish. And then, there would always be a kid that would put his thumb on the thing,

and then he would press it, spray everybody. Oh, I didn't have that kid. No? Oh, yeah. You probably did. You just got, maybe you were lucky. Maybe you were popular. Maybe they left you alone.

I got the kid that was always rambunctious behind me, and I already had an overbite, so I was real kid that was always rambunctious behind me, and I already had an overbite. So I was real, like, I just stuck my butt right out. I had to have a sturdy stance. I was like, you know, I don't want my teeth knocked out. So you had to kind of get into a football tackle pose. Do my stretches. Everyone's like Come on Amber Leave some for the fish

You're working on your core You're sitting on one of those balls Drinking out of a water fountain This next one comes from Audrey H. In Minneapolis Yeah Oh my god

Dave's got his finger Stuck in a bottle And it's out My friend was playing hide and seek with her daughter Her daughter hid under the blankets on the bed When my friend didn't find her She yelled from the bedroom Mom, find me

It's bitch black in here Bitch black find me it's bitch black in here bitch black that seems like it would be a good like goth band oh yeah yeah that's cool I'd go

yeah I'd go to bitch black the movie or the band or the reunion tour or the yeah

all the possible we're licensing this thing across the board what do you think happens if I go to bitchblack.com? I don't know.

I want you to. I think I have an idea. Yeah? What do you think? I think it's a design. I think it's like just going to be like a website design company.

That's what I think it's going to be. Just all. Led by ladies? Mm-hmm. An all black. Yeah. Like black Google?

Yeah. Blackle? Well, work on it. No, there's an actual thing called blackle what's blackle i used to work as this uh as a video editor and the boss at the company was like an older gentleman and didn't know anything about the internet and he was like he discovered youtube two years after everyone else. Why didn't you guys tell me about YouTube? And he was like, also this other thing, Blackie. And it was Blackle, which is black Google, which is, it's just Google with a black background. Oh, okay. It saves you so much on electricity.

Because you don't light up your screen as much. And we were like, that's not a thing. Or like, that's not anything we would have told you about. That's not the same thing as YouTube. I told you guys. Is this guy still alive? I don't know. I don't keep in touch with him.

This is like half a website, bitchblack.com. But it does have a woman's butt. Oh, well, all right. But like the rest is like 404 not found. Wow. And a bunch of weird text. Amber, you win. This last one comes from Jason M. in Halifax.

This is, I was attending an outdoor screening of the movie Whippet. The, um, roller derby movie? Yep. Directed by Drew Barrymore? That is correct. What month is this email from? Oh, June. Okay.

Yeah, but this was part of a film festival, so maybe it was like all roller movies. Yeah, there was Rollerball, the original Rollerball. Rollertown. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's a Halifax original. And then, you know, other... I'm sure there are other roller skating movies from the 70s. Yeah, well, there's the Dirk Diggler feature with Roller Girl.

Yep. Whatever that was called. Boogity Nights. Boogity Dance. Boogity Dance. Boogity Dance. Pretty good. There was a man with his two small children there, probably about five and eight. Sorry, five and eight.

The five-year-old was being very chatty and asked, who's in the movie? The father responded, Ellen Page, to which the son said, why can't I be in the movie? Good question. That is a fair point. Yeah. That kid grew up to be Val Kilmer. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah. You're not going to bring a lot of five and eight year olds over with, oh, it's an Ellen Page movie. You love her. Well, she was in Erksman, I want to say. Oh, maybe she was. She was in Inception and Juno. Those are pretty all right. I don't know if five-year-olds love Inception.

Yeah, I think all the kids went to see Juno. Yeah, kids love Diablo, Cody. Kids love Moldy Peach's songs. Here you go, guys. In addition to overheards that are written in We also accept your phone calls If you want to call us Our phone number is 206-339-8328 Like these people have

Hey Dave Graham and mystery guest This is Alex Calling from Boston with an overheard I was walking my dog in the city Then I walked by a couple girls And I then overheard them saying, Oh, I want a dog so badly, but I've got to wait for my cat to die first. Law of the jungle.

Yeah. Don't welcome a new animal into your heart until the other one has taken over. But the moment that cat dies yeah we have a vacancy sign goes up room for one more heart yeah but it's like with a vacancy spelled like with has like a puppy print on it oh yeah a backwards c i like to think like what like why did she why did the little girl say that

is it because of her like rules or because of her family like if it was by her own rules like I can't have another pet because I gotta wait

for the or if it was like her parents yeah it's like one pet at a time come on cats I got the idea that she was

an adult yeah maybe she was an adult but like even then it's like my apartment's not big enough for these animals who are notoriously fight. Oh, yeah, that's true. Although, if the internet is leading me to believe anything, it's that cats and dogs really like each other's company.

Yeah, also, every kind of animal loves every other kind of animal. I know. It seems like a lot of animals are teaming up. Yeah, come on. It's exciting. Let's keep things pure, animals. Here's your next phone call. Hi, guys.

This is former guest Karen O'Keefe calling from Toronto with an overheard. I saw an old man walking down the street with a younger woman who seemed to be his caregiver or caretaker. I don't know what the word is. And he was happy as can be and he was waving at somebody across the street and the caregiver who was with him, she was like, you've been seeing everyone today. And he was like, yeah. And the caregiver, no one's going to think you're dead anymore.

Scratch that off your to-do list. Prove to people I'm alive. If he tells two friends and they tell two friends. She's just been circling the block with him for like a day. He keeps seeing the same guy. Yeah. But he thinks it's three different people. And I'm not sure that I believe this guy's alive.

Also, caregiver, caretaker, it means the same thing. But giving and taking are different George Carlin George Carlin, everybody Okay, your final overheard of 2014 Hey, Dave and Graham and guest My name is Matt I'm a mailman in Vancouver

Which sucks And I was delivering mail to an old folks on the other day. This is an overseen, by the way. And this was tacked up in the elevator. Hot tub closure. Dear residents, we are still continuing to experience oil slash butter issue in the hot tub water. Even right after cleaning the hot tub, training it fully and filling it up with fresh water. This is most likely due to oil slash butter clogging up the hot tub's

circulation system. To get rid of the cream slash oil slash butter, as well as find out a source of it, we are going to perform a thorough investigation sometime in a week. Oh, boy. I loved every second of that. Oh, man. Somebody just bringing

some weird boil-in-the-bag cream of mushroom soup or something. But, like, he said, the note said, like, even immediately after we cleaned it, it's back. It's like it's haunted. The butter bandit has struck again. And also, these old people don't care about your troubleshooting measures. No. They just want their hot tub back so that they can melt their butter. Yeah. We're cooking corn, and we're eating it. troubleshooting measures. No, they just want their hot tub back so that they can melt their butter.

We're cooking corn and we're eating it Mexican style with butter, sour cream. A little paprika on top. Yeah, some spices. I like how the note was like just oil and then added butter and like a recipe. And cream. Also there were some chives in there. Did you think this jacuzzi was a baked potato?

Oh, I just picturing somebody going in there just with a stick of butter, like, ah, it's frozen solid. I'll just bring it down to the hot tub, have a soak, soften up the butter. Have a soak, soften up the butter. We, when you have a baby, you're not supposed to use any products. The guideline that they gave us in prenatal class, don't use anything that the baby, that you yourself can't eat. Don't use that on the baby's skin. Oh, okay. So the woman who taught the course was like, Johnson & Johnson's No More Tears shampoo just took formaldehyde out of their recipe.

Oh, wow. So your baby's not going to get that dirty. So just use coconut oil. Oh, yeah. So that's what we do. And that's a lot. That's pretty we do. And that's a lot. That's pretty buttery. Like you put a wad in it and it's like at room temperature it's solid. But when you have a bath it really clogs up the jacuzzi.

We have a baby jacuzzi. Oh, so cute. That's a good idea. I feel like you could like even attach that to the sink or like blow in it. Just have like a little tub with a hose that you can blow bubbles into yeah sounds like something you can uh it sounds like a make work patent pending listeners babooski like a baby jacuzzi yeah i'll accept other names but babooski's the best one

Gagagooski that's not bad Gagagooski maybe this will show I'm not a parent at all but like I feel like I'm like a Jolly Jumper

sort of deal in the middle of the jacuzzi just put the baby in it oh like a waterproof Jolly Jumper they don't even drown yeah they don't even drown

that's the tagline that's on the box they don't even drown. Yeah. They don't even drown. That's the tagline. That's on the box. They don't even drown. Try as I might. Lordy. Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. Amber, thank you so much for being our guest. Thank you.

It was so fun. Do you have anything upcoming that you want to plug? This comes out December 1st, World AIDS Day. Oh yeah. Remember to send a card to your loved ones.

I don't have like steady dates, but I know I'll be doing another tragedy show at Yuck Yucks in January. Tell us what the tragedy show is.

The tragedy show is everyone talking about basically their worst traumas or life experience and trying to make it funny. Wow. Yeah. Alex Sparling and I host it. And it's a pretty cool challenge and a pretty neat show.

Like the vibe's real weird, right? Yeah, of course. Because it's like super serious material. But then also like you find yourself like laughing like a, yeah, laughing at it. So. Where's that? At Yuck Yucks. We've run two shows already.

They've been pretty successful and we're doing a third in January, but we don't have a date down yet. So. YuckYucks.com. Yeah. Check out the Yuck Yucks website. Do you have like a Twitter they can follow? Oh yeah. Amber Dalsey. How do you have like a twitter they can follow oh yeah amber dalesy

uh um how do you spell that for us um i'm not really sure actually because they did that thing to me where they're like oh you spelt it this way we want you to spell

it this way because that's all that's not a thing they did that thing to me yeah so i think it's uh d-a-l-E-S-Y,

but it could be S-E-Y. I don't know. I don't tweet really. All right. All right. So don't go there. No, you can go there.

My shows will be on there. Okay. All right. Dave, you got anything? Amber Dalesy. D-A-L-E-S-Y. Yep. There you go.

Thank you. No, no, no, no. I just want everyone to have a happy Advent. Yeah, absolutely. Trust out those calendars. Enjoy these next 24 days of chocolate. Happy Christmaka. Yep.

Oh boy, remember that? The OC? The OC took us all by storm. And in January, I will be in Toronto for two weeks at the Next Stage Theater Festival. And if you want to... The show is called Graham Clark Reads the Phone Book. Yep. Oh, that's why you're doing that at the Lido, yeah?

Oh, you betcha. And yeah, it should be fun. It's like 10 bucks. You can't miss. Yeah. You can't miss 10 bucks. Can't miss 10 bucks. When in January? Because I'm there.

From the, I believe it's from the 5th to the 14th. Might be from the 7th to the 14th, though. Google it. Yeah, Google it. None of us know anything about ourselves. Grim's within a couple days. Yeah. And thanks, everybody, for listening to the podcast you should go over

to maxima fun.org check out all the blog recap of this year episode pictures and videos of things we talked about on the show yeah oh elf absolutely trapdoor city um uh the brass rail surely a picture of that i don't know i don't know about that picture of drake looking uh skeezy yep it shouldn't be hard um ron perlman maybe if people don't know who that is sure yeah he was the manager for nsync and backstreet boys yeah real ugly old man um no he was hellboy right yeah he was hellboy and uh i want to say he was on Sons of Anarchy. Yes. He played the Beast. Yeah, that's right.

And thanks everybody for listening to the podcast. If you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.