Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 367 - Allyson Smith
Episode Date: March 30, 2015Allyson Smith returns to talk stag films, neighbourhood trash, and second rate dentists....
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Hi, he's Dave Shumka.
And he's Graham Clark.
And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.
Woo!
Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 367 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.
My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who can play a mean belly drum, Mr. Dave Shumka.
Is that the thing that the cyclists go around?
Yeah, a belly drum.
A belly drum?
Yeah.
Yeah, before the show I was tapping on my various abs.
Yeah.
It's like a steel drum.
Yeah, you were playing under the sea.
It was like a washboard.
And our guest today, returning guest to the podcast, very funny comedian, Miss Alison Smith joins us.
Oh, you guys, I'm so happy to be back.
Thanks for coming back.
You know what? Like I said, it's not Vancouver if I don't get to come and chat, you guys. I'm so happy to be back. Thanks for coming back. You know what?
Like I said, it's not Vancouver if I don't get to come and chat with you guys.
Agreed.
It is it.
This is it.
That's what the tourism board, that's their new slogan.
Yeah.
So we have a big line of-
You are busy.
That's why I book it like two years in advance.
I know.
Most of our guests are just people who are on Alaskan cruises yeah
they're just in here
for a couple hours
oh my god the
audience is like if
I hear one more
fucking polar bear
story I'm gonna
lose my mind
oh you got to
keep the salmon
great
I also run a
part-time the
stop podcasting
yourself experience
tour
that's not the
show but it
feels like the
show yeah what
is what's involved
in that?
I have a shed that kind of looks like this on the inside.
And I made a scarecrow of you and a scarecrow of me.
And they sit in the guest chair.
So everyone is the guest?
You're there as well?
No, no, I just run it.
I'm just at the office answering phones.
So people are in a shed with two creepy scarecrows getting murdered?
Well, no.
It plays Halloween.
I have a Halloween sound effects CD that plays.
That's great.
People are almost never murdered.
Yeah, no.
I mean, I say those people were murdered before they came on the tour.
Speaking of...
Murdered people?
Yeah, getting murdered.
On the tour?
Murders.
Is this our first episode
after the Max Fun Drive
I believe it is
it is
so thank you very much
for everybody who donated
and curses on those of you
who didn't
yeah you know who you are
should we get to know us
yes
get to know us
so Allison
yeah
you are now
you live in the UK
where's your where's your home base?
Okay.
So, now I live in...
Can we make up a city name?
Do it.
Scranton.
Shropshton.
I have been living in Shropsh...
Ports?
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Shire.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
That's how they would say it.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Portsmouth.
Cock and shock.
I've been living in those places for a while.
You're getting the accent.
I'm not doing it, don't I?
I will never do an English accent because I would do the worst.
My dad is from Manchester.
My dad is English.
Really?
And I can't do an English accent to save my life.
If I try it, I...
Does everybody laugh at you if you try it?
Yes.
Yeah.
They all laugh at me. They laugh at them. Well, from a try it, I... Does everybody laugh at you if you try it? Yes. They all laugh at me.
They laugh at me.
They all laugh
at me. They laugh with their British
laughs.
Citridral.
It's very British. They would be very insulted to hear
that. They would be like,
it's not. But yeah, no, no, British accent.
So, okay, so i was in manchester
i was living in manchester which i like to talk about because manchester to me still feels like
it is my home city in as far as the uk right i'm in london london's great london's great and it's
international sounds like you're overselling it yeah you're like it's great but but
the charm that manchester has yeah yeah so what uh like because lond there's a but coming. But Manchester is. He doesn't have the charm. That Manchester has, yeah.
So what, like, because London's a huge, gigantic, massive city.
What sector of London do you live in?
Okay, so right now.
So you're now in London.
Yeah, I am now in London, yeah.
But my heart's still in Manchester.
Always, always and forever.
Always and forever.
Live in the west, far west.
So you go on the central line.
You live in London's historical West End.
Not the West End.
No, this is what I think is funny.
You're one of the cats.
Oh my God, that would be a dream.
Are you kidding?
If I was on Broadway, the next time you see me,
I hope to either have been on Broadway
or at least done some musical theater in the UK.
I want to do musical theater in the UK.
Because you can sing.
You actually can sing.
A panto.
A panto.
I went and saw one this Christmas time.
They do like, yeah, I had never been to see a panto before.
What was the show?
Cinderella.
Okay.
And so what's, for people that don't know what a panto is, what's the deal?
It's like just a goofy theater where they recreate a fairy tale or a story.
Right.
And there's like
certain elements
like main characters
like there's always like
men dressed up
as ugly sisters.
Classic.
Yeah, classic.
Classic hilarious
English humor.
And like
the main character
is always like
usually some sort of
like a TV person
or someone that is
recognizable
and they're kind of like
the guy that takes you
through the whole story.
Somebody from Neighbors.
Yes, yes, yes.
Or like, you know.
Crazy Frog.
Yeah.
The two British celebrities we know, Neighbors and Crazy Frog.
Exactly, one of those.
And anyway, so they sing and they dance,
and it's mainly for kids.
Yeah, the kids are encouraged to like
scream and yell
to the villain.
Yes, exactly.
Yeah, that's a big part of it.
Yeah, they scream, they yell.
They buy glowy sticks.
People like
I don't know.
It's a really
They take E.
Yeah, I was going to say
it's like
a child rave.
Rave for kids.
Awesome.
It's awesome.
It was really fun to go see
and I think that would be
a great thing to try one time.
I'd love to do a panto.
Why not? Right? Have you ever done
a musical theater?
Oh my God. Yeah. Growing up. Really?
I went to drama camp
yo. I've been doing
Sorry.
Let me step up
to the mic here. You can see the way she's twirling
her white wine. I did. I'm like my white wine.
And I said yo at the same wine. I did. I'm like, my white wine. And I said, yo, at the same time.
Yeah.
So what is, I'm assuming, Dramacamp is like a sleepaway camp?
That's exactly it.
But what did you do?
Like, you mount a production while you're there?
Yeah, that's exactly it.
That's not all you mount.
Yeah.
Woo!
Air.
High fives everywhere.
Yeah, it's great.
But yes, musical theater was a huge part of my
life growing up what was your favorite that you uh that you performed in that i ever did i would
probably say my personal favorite was little mary sunshine what was the but is that the one that
made you go uh-huh yeah because i was trying to you pushing something away because i'll tell you
why because i was like well, I remember the character.
Because what it was, was I played a big opera singer.
So it was the first time I got to try and be opera.
And I realized I was really good at it.
But it was like, even though I was in high school, they taped me up.
And the girls were lifted.
And I was presented like an opera singer.
And it was just a really fun.
But I liked the character so much,
I was like, oh, I loved that.
But what was the name of this play?
That's why I was like,
what was the name of the play?
Because I'm a bit of a burnout, you guys.
I don't remember all the details of my life.
So the play wasn't called Little Mary Sunshine?
The play was called Little Mary Sunshine,
and the character was Ernestine von Leipzig.
There you go.
Yeah, that was me.
There, it's still working.
Yeah, thanks, man.
Everything's still firing.
It worries me sometimes.
Were you in plays ever?
No.
Really?
When I was in junior high.
And what junior high was that, Graham Clark?
If you don't mind me asking.
Oh, R.T. Alderman.
High fives right now.
Where were you junior high?
R.T. Alderman.
Oh, you were R.T. Alderman.
Mm-hmm.
How many years apart are we?
Because we weren't in school at the same time.
Were we? No. No. No. are we? Because we weren't in school at the same time. Were we?
No.
No.
Were we?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Are we going to say our ages out loud?
Oh, by the way, I'm 35.
Yawn.
Okay, sorry.
Back to, were you, so you didn't do plays or anything?
No, I did one in junior high because we had a crazy drama teacher.
Wait, when did you go to junior high?
Dave, I went to RTL.
Were you even listening?
Oh, no, sorry.
We did a whole bit of it.
Like, he doesn't even care.
He doesn't even care.
And then in high school, I auditioned for every play.
Didn't get into any of them.
What?
It was a very discouraging time.
It was a very, you know.
I think Dave wants to know, what high school did you go to?
Lord Beaverbrook, I know everything
about this. That's so great!
We even went to the same high school!
Oh God, I'm going to ask Dave all sorts of questions about you.
Is Vancouver the only
place in Canada that doesn't have junior high?
Oh.
Probably, yeah.
I mean, I don't know. Or middle school,
as they may say in some like we just have
kindergarten and or just kindergarten and then high school i think you are the only province
vancouver is the only province that does it that way high school is grade 1 through 12
no kindergarten to grade 7 and then 8 to 12 yeah well i Well, I don't know. Junior high was good because it was like the most hormones were all contained in junior high.
Yeah.
You're the most hormonally and emotionally imbalanced you're going to be.
In a weird way, it's unfair to section us all off.
But to everyone else, it's probably the better option.
Yeah, because I think everything cools a bit by the time you're in high school.
And you're not there yet in elementary school.
But yeah, so it is.
It's just pinning them on.
Because being a former teacher, I'll say this.
Sevens, cute little sevens.
Grade sevens, they come in, oh, oh.
Grade eights are shitheads, right?
Grade eight, when you're 13, that's when it's like they reach that point of like, ugh.
They're just foul.
They're always like, what's your breaking point?
What's your,
it's always about
breaking points
so they can see
what they're like
as a person, right?
They're like,
am I an asshole
or am I a nice person?
I don't know yet.
I'm testing it on you.
So that's
what junior high is.
It's learning
whether or not
you're going to be
empathetic in life
is what junior high is.
And then grade nine,
they start to be
a bit more human.
People treat them
a little bit more human because they're like, oh, you're about to go to high school.
You better get ready.
Grade nine is high school.
No, grade 10 is high school.
Oh, but well, for everyone else, grade nine is high school.
Oh, high school for everyone else.
Yeah.
Well, but for us.
No, no, here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But like in, because you're a freshman in grade nine.
That's what they say in the States.
What is it?
Freshman?
Sophomore, junior, senior. Oh, yeah. Oh, you're right. Yeah. Okay. That's what they say in the state. What is it? Freshman? Sophomore, junior, senior.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, you're right.
Yeah, okay.
That's always what it meant.
Remember in grade eight, a lot of people.
If any high school TV show goes over four years, it's like, oh, this is getting bad.
It's like, oh, they have jobs now.
Oh, they're all going to college in their hometown.
Oh, great.
I thought I admired these people.
Who are you thinking of right now? Tell me who you're thinking of. Oh, great. I thought I admired these people. Who are you thinking of right now?
Tell me who you're thinking of.
90210, but I never watched 90210.
Yeah, I feel like Boy Meets World made that same thing,
and they also, like Mr. Feeny somehow,
also graduated with them.
Now I'm the dean of the university.
Yeah.
But I feel like in junior high was a high time of guys pulling down other guys' pants in the hallway.
Yeah.
That was like.
The thing about tying your belt as tight as you could was a thing.
Or learning not to wear sweatpants.
It was like where you weed it out.
Yeah.
You start to wear jeans.
No more sweatpants. But kids now wear sweatpants. It was like where you weeded out. Yeah, you start to wear jeans. No more sweatpants.
But kids now wear sweatpants.
Yeah, but like.
Well, they must, pants just must be all over the place.
And basketball shorts have always been a thing.
Yeah, that's true.
Yeah.
But yeah, like I feel like since I didn't have junior high, I missed a step.
Because I just went from like big fish in small pond
to small fish
to nothing
yeah
beginning again
yeah
no it's
it's a weird way
that they broke it up
I don't know
like
it seems normal
because I did it that way
yeah
but now that I think about
how awful that like
because it really was awful
like I don't know about
are your
junior high was terrible
oh my god
I hated every moment in Archie Ald, my God, I hated every moment
in R.T. Alderman Junior High School. I hated
every moment. But you liked high school? No.
I also hated high school. Yes.
I did, because I drummed
right into drama. That's all my life was.
I became drama fanatic. Drama, drama, drama.
Plays after school involved. So I
found the thing. So you just didn't know
everyone was making fun of you. Yeah.
Or I at least didn't care, because I had had other friends and we would secretly just be like,
you know what?
And make fun of them behind their backs.
It was really fun.
What did drama kids do on the weekends?
What was the activity?
Okay.
Yeah.
Well, I can only speak for myself.
Yeah.
Smoking pot.
Was it smoking pot?
No.
You know what?
You guys, I didn't smoke pot until I was in university.
First year university yeah
and then you were like
this is it
forget everything else
I'm in
yeah I loved it
I still graduated
and everything
but junior high
would just be
I just had sleepovers
with my girlfriends
and like we watched
horror movies
as we discussed before
horror movies have always
I would say a lot
of my junior high
was much like my life now spare time horror movies, as we discussed before. Horror movies have always, I would say a lot of my junior high was much like my life now,
spare time horror movies.
Oh, God, guys.
Oh, no.
Pretty good.
Yeah, yeah.
The drama kids were always, they were impenetrable as a social group.
Because they were everyone that was ostracized from everywhere else.
So then it was like.
But what about the people who are ostracized from drama club?
I know.
Well, that's the problem. Yeah, that's the problem. that's where those guys go exactly they just end up smoking cigarettes yeah
i was in drama were you in drama yeah and i like i was in the on the improv team and i was in like
see yeah maybe one play what was the play it was uh neil simon play called johnny get your gun
called fools fools and itools Oh About the dumb town
Yeah town
The curse has been put on this town
And everyone's stupid
Yeah
They did a production of that
At our school
It's very funny
I don't remember
It's got jokes
I'm sure it's got jokes
Neil Simon
Yeah
It's called Fools
Yeah
But it's like
Everybody in the town is dumb
Yeah
It's like people wearing
Shoes on their heads
It's like Village of Idiots
Yeah
That's another play.
Is that really another play?
I did it at Drama Camp, Arts Trek, where I met Toby Hargrave.
I never did camp.
Really?
I met Toby Hargrave, another comedian that I am assuming has been on this show.
Yes.
Several times.
Yeah, we went to Arts Trek Drama Camp together in Vermilion, Alberta.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
And, yeah, Village of Idiots was one of the places.
So did you do any, like, camp stuff at these camps or just play stuff?
Oh, you did camp stuff.
Like, you slept over and, like, ate breakfast and, like, did some activities.
To me.
Are you allowed to eat and sleep?
Those are camp things?
Yeah, you know, like.
I think I'm in house camp right now.
It's different from, you know,
regular life. Well, yeah, you have to eat
in a hall and you have to
sleep in a bunk.
Details are not strong points
for me sometimes. But did you do like
campfire or canoe paddling?
Oh, like wilderness. No,
no, it wouldn't be any of that.
No, no. It was all about like building a set, right?
You'd be building set, creating costumes.
Was it out in the wilderness or was it just like in a strip mall?
Oh, it was at like a...
I appreciate that.
I appreciate that.
I was like either this or this.
But like what else could it be?
Like just a building or...
A college.
It was at a college.
Which is so strip mall.
But it is strip mall
animal science center college
so there was like
just
animals
really?
melt
like
a vet college?
yeah like vets
yeah
went there
and did stuff on the animals
and so it was all
a lot of like
pigs
is there a role
we could give to the horse?
this horse is pretty needy
I think ducks were used
Live ducks were used at one point
There's a warning on the program
Live ducks are used during our performance
On Caligula
Yeah, our water ship down
The rabbits will be played by ducks
We're doing a Mice and Men Yeah, or water ship down. The rabbits will be played by ducks.
That's fabulous.
We're doing of mice and men.
Are there any animals that need to be put down?
It's a seven-day run, so we'll need 12.
Yeah.
We go dark on London.
12, whatever.
And then you went into school to be a teacher.
Yeah, a drama teacher.
Oh, a drama teacher.
Keep it going, guys. So you did.
You kept it going.
Yeah, because that's all I could really think of.
That was actually, like, all I wanted to be was an actress.
That's all I've ever wanted to be.
Yeah.
And so to me, I was like, well, I can still go to theater school for one extra year at the University of Lethbridge, Alberta.
You could tack on an education degree.
So I was like, boom.
Oh, if you just hung in for one more year.
Exactly.
Doing your practicums or whatever.
So I got it.
And then I got out.
And then I was like, I guess I'm a grandma teacher.
Was that fun at all?
Oh, God, yeah.
I had a really good time.
I mean, it was good.
But I knew I never wanted to do it.
I wanted to be an actress. So that is why I started comedy because I was so angry at myself for doing the fallback plan before I pursued actually doing what my real dream was.
Right.
That I was like, well, what can I do?
What can I do while I'm teaching?
And that's when I was like, well, I could try standup comedy, you know, like then I could just go to a club because it didn't rely on me being casted or somebody choosing me.
I could just go do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that kind of, yeah, I could keep performing.
Although you are sort of, you can't just go up uninvited.
Let me say, at the time in Calgary though.
Yeah, you could.
You could.
Yeah.
You could sign a sheet.
That's exactly it and go, I would like to try my first five minutes.
And then because in Calgary again, there was only one other girl comic, Corey Mack.
And she was so far ahead that I was the only other girl.
So it was like out of like 50 to 100 people
that were trying to do this amateur night, one girl.
So the first night went well, and then they were like,
do you want to just keep coming back?
You can just keep coming back.
Was this at like a club?
At Yuck Yucks in Calgary.
At the Yuck Yucks.
At the Blackfoot Inn, which is now the Laugh Shop.
Yeah.
And that club's been around for forever, and it's so great.
You used to be able to smoke in there.
I remember that.
Oh, and the VLTs.
Do you remember the VLTs that went right up to the stage?
Video lottery terminals?
Yes.
Like slot machines?
Yeah.
Well, people, well, I think there were some slots at one point.
Yeah, but they usually just hit a button or a screen.
What else do you gamble on?
Is it slot styles, or is it like?
Yeah, I think it's just slots.
Pin the tail on the donkey.
Yeah, some of that.
It's a musical chair.
I don't know what you gamble on.
That's so sweet.
Yeah.
Can you place a bet in a horse race?
No.
It's all video lottery.
It's all just like...
Machines.
I've never seen one.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Well, I'm not a deadbeat.
Yeah, that's true.
Well, okay.
I mean, I've seen slot machines.
Yeah.
But I've never gone to the racetrack and been like,
well, I've got to put down this horse in this play.
Yeah.
I'm going to go hang out with the old bronchitis roll.
What's bronchitis?
It's a kind of disease that you get.
Yeah.
Chest infection.
Emphysema row.
Yeah.
Bronchitis sounds worse.
Emphysema's got a thing to it.
They're not like
as big a thing
out here.
I don't think
Alberta.
They were in
every bar.
Yeah.
And here they are
like it's like news
if a place wants
to install them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I used to see them.
I remember seeing
them in Kelowna.
Yeah.
I remember that
because there was
that yuck yucks
room for a while
in Kelowna
which was in
the coast. Is it the ice house or whatever? Oh yeah. That's yeah. Yeah. I remember that because there was that Yuck Yucks room for a while in Kelowna, which was in the Coast Capri Hotel.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
And this is when it first opened.
It was attached to the hotel, actually.
And I remember I thought they had a section with VLTs there in Kelowna.
They really, they like.
It's just so weird that for us, it was like totally normal.
Yeah, VLTs.
just so weird that for us it was like totally normal yeah vlgs well because they made millions of dollars because it was people who were had poor impulse control who were drunk yeah and also at
the time you were allowed to smoke so it was just like every vice in every bar and there was the
every vlt had a glory hole that was in the 80s though that was in the 80s but yeah so like the government made like a ton
of money but they they were always really controversial because there weren't any oh
no that's not true there were casinos in calvary yeah there was but francis and silver dollar
action center it was a casino and a bowling rink yeah you'd go to restaurants so in alberta and
they'd have some some of them would have VLTs.
Really?
On the other side.
Like, there'd be, like, restaurant, and then there'd be, like, bar.
Are you here to eat or be a deadbeat?
It's what you want to do, whatever you want to do here.
Do I have to make a choice?
Can I eat the B?
I'll start in this room, and then...
Yeah.
Yeah, like, I remember Calgary was very slow in the, you know, having restaurants with no smoking in it.
Yeah.
They kept that going, like, well past, like.
2000?
Yeah.
Like, I think Friends was off the air and still there was, still people were able to smoke.
It was, yeah, it was like a long, it was a long time before, like way, way past, I think, the rest of the country.
Yeah, I think we led the way out here.
Yeah, right?
With like, hey, let's be healthy, guys.
Vancouver leads the way.
As soon as you get off the plane in Vancouver, you just feel better.
You're like, ah.
It's a nice airport.
Vancouver.
Yeah. Happiest two years of my life when i lived here i think uh i had a really good time i loved it yeah i tell people in the uk about
vancouver and how wonderful it is that they're like why do you leave canada and i was like
i have no answer to that actually right now why did I yeah but what do you like
about the UK
you're over there
you've been over there
for a few years
yeah yeah
you like the accents
you do some of the accents
like how is
your neighborhood
of London
different than say
oh
Liverpool
oh
Liverpool is almost
I don't even want to say
it's the only
but it's a very like
in terms of accents
yeah
yeah Liverpool the accents is a very, but it's a very like. No, in terms of accent. Yeah. Yeah.
Liverpool, the accents is a very like.
Like it's a.
It is.
Yeah.
Fucking.
You fucking.
Don't you fucking.
Like it's a very.
Yeah.
I like it.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Yeah.
That's Liverpool.
And then Geordie.
No way.
Manchester.
No, I can't do Manchester.
Where are Geordie's from?
Newcastle.
Newcastle.
So that's like past Manchester, like your last name.
And they're the people with like the hairband over their eyes.
That was an excellent Star Trek reference.
That was really good.
That Dave's very proud of.
Oh boy, I was hung there for a second And I was like
Oh they don't know that name
I used to have a huge
Joke about that dude
So I appreciate Jordy
What was it
What was it
He was in Reading Rainbow
What's his real name
LeVar Burton
LeVar Burton
Yeah
Yeah
And I used to say
See and ladies and gentlemen
That's what happens
When you read too fucking much
Huh
Cause he went
Yeah
First year of jokes guys
That's not bad
For a first year joke.
Thanks.
Hey, can you come back and do another five minutes next week?
Yes, I can.
Because I'm not cast in anything.
Yeah.
Not a ton of musical productions in Calgary.
There was Stage West.
Stage West.
Yeah, that's a great.
You could see Jamie in a in a play
oh yeah yeah uh and anybody from mash would eventually come through yeah what lips luna
what's her luscious lips oh hot lips hula hot lips hula
sometimes i make up names.
Sometimes.
The other night I was having a conversation with my boyfriend and we were talking about Nightmare on Elm Street, which again, I don't always mean to make it go back to horror movies.
No, no, this is fine.
My all favorite, like that's my Nightmare on Elm Street, number one, the first one, Nightmare on Elm Street.
I will always be in love with that horror movie.
That's for Frederick Ruger.
Well.
Frederick.
Robert England.
Fraggle Kruger. Yeahbert england is his name but for what did i call him
francis francis england and i was like oh my god anything that francis england is in i love like i
am i love francis england honestly any any horror movie and my boyfriend was like francis england
francis england hey oh god yeah francis england what's his name and boyfriend was like francis england francis england hey oh god yeah francis
england what's his name and i was like france robert robert like i sometimes i just go with
what comes in my mind and i'm like fact what did you think of the remake i was so angry okay i
almost wanted to remake it like three years ago maybe more with ch that. With Channing Tatum? Yeah, Channing Tatum as the boogeyman.
They renamed it.
It was an all-female cast.
Oh, everybody was outraged.
You're ruining my childhood.
Francine Kruger.
Yeah.
Starring Frances McDormand as Sweater Woman.
Oh, God, that's hilarious.
Or just some woman with really long nails.
Yeah.
It was the guy.
What?
Who cares?
It was awful.
It was a piece of shit.
And then the fact.
I figured the people that were fans of the original would have hated everything about it.
Hated every second of it.
It was infuriating.
Like, I just sat there angry.
But that's my big thing.
Why do they remake?
It's like horror movies were the first sacrificial,
oh, remake all of them.
Yeah.
And there was no need to remake.
Are we really running out of that many ideas?
Yes.
Remake.
Yes.
Is there any good new horror movies that you've seen?
Like, what's good in the...
I think that's, like, there's's always like a new franchise that like,
like paranormal activity or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That costs $4 to make and,
and make so much money that they can finance the next 10 of them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's,
there was a movie that it was a,
some blogger was writing about,
uh,
the woman in the black dress i think
the first one had daniel radcliffe in it and uh he looked it up he's like i never even heard of
this movie but it made 75 million dollars yeah and they mostly they they have no stars yeah they
have no production values like the monsters the star yeah and but it's also the monster that's
like not there it's like they're running from something you can't and but it's also the monster that's like not there it's
like they're running from something you can't see yeah it's cheap yeah but have you seen anything
that's been like properly like good spooky scary what was the one that was like the the cabin in
the woods oh yeah cabin in the woods that was like a spoof yeah that one was fun it was fun
yeah it was fun yeah well mean, that's the thing.
If you're like, what do you want out of a horror movie?
You know, like, yeah, there are movies that I have really enjoyed and been surprised by,
but that's kind of my thing.
I like to take a chance.
Yeah.
And see what I'm surprised by.
I do.
This is how I get risky in life, you guys.
Okay.
Because I'm like, am I going to watch, you know?
So what has surprised you?
Because I've always. Thirteen Sins. Thirteen Sins is the name of a movie that I really enjoyed. I'm like, am I going to watch? So what has surprised you?
13 Sins.
13 Sins is the name of a movie that I really enjoyed.
I thought it was a good movie.
Okay.
Yeah, 13 Sins.
You know what I liked?
What did you like?
The stabbing.
Who was in that?
Oh, who's in that?
Yeah.
Oh, you wouldn't know them.
They're all dead.
They're stabbed. Yeah, it was found footage.
They're dead.
The found footage. They're dead. The found footage
horror movie.
Oh, you know what I liked
is the Blair Thumb Project.
It's the all thumb version
of the Blair Witch Project.
Is that like,
like Lego movies?
Like Bat Thumb
or Thumb Wars.
Like,
there was a movie,
like one of those found, horror movies called Cannibal Holocaust.
And it was so, everybody thought that it was real.
And the director had to prove in court that all the actors were still alive.
Oh.
Because it was the first time a movie had been done like that.
Oh, like an old.
Yeah, it was from the kind of like the 70s or something.
Yeah, it was before the Blair Witch Project.
And they put it out, but they didn't put it out in theaters.
They only put it out through like underground distributors.
So they're like, wow.
70s when no one had VCRs.
No, but it was like you would show it at a frat party or something.
At a snuff festival.
Yeah, at a snuff festival.
That would be like Animal House would be another example of that sort of thing, right?
Why?
What was the thing with Animal House?
Animal House was like a crazy porn that was like about this woman.
I forget her name, but I watched a documentary.
That's another way I filmed my time.
But not Animal House, the John Belushi movie.
Now am I thinking of Animal House?
I think you're thinking of Nicky England. Am I thinking of Animal Farm? Yeah, I am. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are another way of filling my time. But not Animal House the John Belushi movie. Am I thinking of Animal House? I think you're thinking of
Nicky England. Am I thinking of Animal Farm? Yeah, I am!
Yeah, yeah, yeah! What are you thinking? You know the details!
Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. What are you talking about?
No way! Fill in the blanks for me, man!
I was
quoting her not knowing Robert England's
name. Oh, you were making up.
I was like, is that her name? No, there
was a girl. Okay, not Animal House. What was it?
Animal Farm? No. That's was a girl. Okay, not Animal House. What was it? Animal Farm?
No.
That's George Orwell.
Thanks, guys.
What is it?
Animal Crackers?
No, that's the Marx Brothers.
Animal, George the Animal Steel?
That's a wrestler.
Oh, okay.
Animal from the Muppet Show?
That's a Muppet.
What was... Anyway, it was just one of those movies that, like, at the time, it was a porno made when people didn't have VCRs, so they would just show it in Little Underground.
Oh, like a Bachelor film.
Yeah.
A stag film.
Stag film.
That's what it's called.
Not Bachelor film.
Is that what they would be called?
A stag film?
Stag film, yeah.
And stags would go somewhere, like an all-men's night and watch...
Yeah, they would show them.
They would have them on, like, film reels, and they would show them they would have them on like
film reels and they would show yeah i just like i stole the projector from my boss i distracted my
boss with it that would have been so weird what would have been the point in seeing a porno with
a group of your friends yeah of your grown friends Like, I could see it. I definitely did, not porno, but like, whatever, porkies.
Yeah.
Like, hey, other 11-year-old boys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's figure out what's going on here.
Yeah.
What's your theory?
But you're 11.
You're exactly.
I don't think you could really put your penis through a hole and have someone just yank
up.
Does that happen? Of course it does.
Corgis is, yeah, yeah, hilarious.
For the longest time, it was the number one grossing Canadian film.
Before Bond Cop, Bad Cop?
Yeah.
Or Air Bud knocked it out and then Bond Cop, Good Cop, Bond Cop.
Or what's the curling one?
Men with Brooms? Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, Bond cup. What's the curling one? Med with brooms?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But yeah, that was a thing.
Like it was apparently in the 60s and 70s, if you had like a bachelor party, somebody
would be like, yeah, I got my hands on a stag film.
I guess they would have sold them at like porn shops.
Or like head shops.
Something like that.
Some mail order.
That's interesting.
And would that have been before strippers, I guess?
No.
Before strippers.
Okay, strippers would have been, yeah, around before.
Strippers have existed since clothes.
That's true.
There was a cave woman put on a thing and then took it right off and everyone was like, hey.
Hey.
Yeah.
You're right.
Cave woman put on a thing and then took it right off and everyone's like, hey. Hey.
Awesome sugar on the neck.
Oh, that's such a good example of a strip song.
It's always masculine songs.
Yeah.
That's true.
Please would you come to feel good.
Well, no one's going to, no man's going to be like, yeah, let it go.
Yeah, let it go, baby.
No, man. Yeah. yeah let it go let it yeah let it go baby no man yeah it's gotta be yeah it's gotta be either uh
real fast like uh hip-hop or heavy metal or uh she's my cherry pie yeah well that song was
written it feels like that song was written with strippers in mind yeah Yeah, it was. Yeah. Like that was like a song, like the composer,
whoever it was.
Yeah.
David Coverdale.
Oh man.
Yeah.
So that's,
that was a thing
that dudes used to do.
Go watch.
Yeah.
Interesting.
Okay.
Wouldn't have had sound either.
I guess not.
Oh,
you would have had a piano player.
Oh my god, that's the
best visual.
A piano player trying
to play along.
The first time he's
seen it, he's like, I'm sorry, I didn't know that was
going to happen. There's title cards in it.
Yeah.
There's a train going right for the screen i really want someone to make a porno like that now i imagine it exists but if it doesn't i think
we have really just found something yeah but like the modern the modern equivalent of that which
makes it sound so so sad and weird would be like a group of your friends gathered around
a laptop.
Yeah, that's true.
It's actually like
it was kind of more
it was like an event.
Yeah, it was kind of like
Oh, there's a porno movie
in town.
Oh, shucks, fellas.
Yeah.
Jimmy's got a porno movie
for
Yeah, like I got my hands
on this film
and then we gotta watch it
but then we gotta rewind it.
Like, how did that and how did film
strips work did that rewind itself as it went yeah well it just ended up on the other reel and at the
end you would hear yeah that's would you ever oh wow how far we've come. Oh, my God. Junior high. Yeah, I'm so impressed, guys.
Yeah.
That's great.
Dave, what's going on with you, man?
Well, I live in an area that is a couple of, well, it's like one block off of. That, and, and, uh, the house is visible enough that, uh, people just leave their garbage behind my house.
Okay.
So.
So what are we talking about?
Like personal garbage?
Um, sometimes like we've gotten a note from the city that your garbage is too full and we've been like, what?
We didn't fill our garbage too much.
And they're like, oh no, it was like, it was overflowing.
We, and if this happens like, it was overflowing.
We,
and if this happens again,
we'll fine you.
Oh really?
And I yelled at the guy from the city for like 20 minutes
until he was like,
okay.
He's like,
I understand.
Yeah.
Cause that's a valid argument.
Yeah.
Cause people just,
just.
Put their garbage in the garbage.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And,
uh,
I can't sit out there all night
with a baseball bat.
Hey you!
Yeah,
exactly.
Um, like Gran Torino?
Yeah.
But we, like, mostly it'll be, like, people will drop, you know, whatever.
Someone left a basket the other day.
Yeah.
Or just stuff that they, I think it's other people from my block that are just like,
well, no one's around.
I'll just shove this over here.
No one will know.
Everybody, every neighborhood has a place that the neighbors all know to throw their garbage.
Yeah.
So that's you.
Yeah, apparently.
Oh, no.
But I think there's a few on my block.
It's also like the alleyway is super like full of potholes.
I feel like if it was repaved, we would all take pride in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it's the old broken windows.
Yeah, exactly.
And so,
but the other day,
well, someone left an Ikea table there,
but it's the kind that is filled with
cardboard.
So I'm just going to let it rain on that.
Eventually, yeah,
it'll just go away.
And also, I don't know, like there's other people who live go away uh and also i don't know like there's other
people who live in the house so i don't know if they're putting stuff out there but like they
surely they know that there's no man grabbing the garbage and putting it in a garbage truck anymore
it's all automated and it's a truck that that yeah it's all yeah yeah, robot trucks. Yeah. And so, but then the other day.
There's no trash trash men anymore.
No.
At all?
Well, they're driving the truck, but there's a claw that comes and grabs the can and dumps it in the thing.
Really?
Yeah, there's not like a guy that comes out and does it anymore.
Not at all.
And I would like.
I know.
And I know how you.
Did you know that at Christmas you're supposed to tip them?
Tip your garbage man?
Yeah, I usually put $500 on the top of the garbage.
Exactly.
I've been doing it for years now.
Because my dad told me that.
You tip your milk man, you tip your mail man, you tip your garbage man.
Your milk man.
I don't have a milk man.
I know.
I was like, wow wow where did you grow
up you grew up in the 40s uh but uh yeah like and then this year i was asking my dad so how do you
tip your garbage man he's like oh i don't they're terrible i would i would but i wouldn't know how
to do it oh yeah no there's no way yeah there's no way to do it anymore anyway so uh the other day
i was walking home and uh i saw that in the alleyway behind our house was like this perfect
uh but handmade pac-man that's like four feet high, like yellow,
and like two feet wide.
That story checks out Pac-Man-wise.
It's three-dimensional.
Okay.
And it's...
What's it made out of?
Cardboard.
Okay.
Painted.
But it's like, you know,
a perfect semblance
and I don't know if it was for a play.
Yeah, Pac-Man the musical.
Yeah.
And then,
so I was like,
well,
hope it rains soon
to take care of this
so I can start
stomping on this.
But then eventually,
a few days later,
someone,
I guess,
took it.
Yeah,
that makes sense
because that's like
primo garbage.
That's interesting garbage.
Yeah,
that's like, yeah. And there's garbage. Yeah, that's like, yeah.
And there's one house in the neighborhood
a few blocks away that has a sign.
They, I think, are on their block,
the place where everyone dumps their stuff.
Oh, yeah.
And they've put up a sign that says no dumping.
Right.
And it's gotten 10 times worse.
Well, yeah, because now you're just,
yeah, you're spitting in the eye of these fans.
Oh, yeah? Just now you're just, yeah, you're spitting in the eye of these fans. Oh, yeah?
Just watch me.
Dumping.
Yeah, there's a place, actually, on my street, the person that owns the place I live in,
they have an empty lot across the street from us.
Oof.
And it's clean right now, but not when I get through with it. Because that's going to be where I dump all my garbage.
Because it's totally unpatrolled, unsecured.
But then there's also a construction site like a block away from me.
And that's primo.
People are always throwing pants in there.
Oh, construction site for sure.
Yeah, there's just like pants everywhere.
There's just so many
pairs of track pants
just slung over the
fence and on the
ground.
But pants aren't
hard to get rid of.
Like furniture is
hard to get rid of.
Well, when was the
last time you tried
to get rid of a
pair of pants?
I never have to.
I don't know what
that means.
You just turn them
into cut off shorts
and then into
underwear.
Yep.
And then I keep
the pants as leg warmers.
The sleeves.
Yeah.
The leg sleeves.
Yeah, leg sleeves.
There's an empty lot in, or it's not empty anymore, but for like years, it was an empty lot.
And then it had a for sale sign.
Yeah.
Outside for years as well uh and then it sold but
it was still empty for like two more years but the real estate agent at halloween put a bunch
of pumpkins there and had a pumpkin patch ew but it doesn't it was it would be for like two hours a year.
And come by and get these pumpkins that were placed here.
That must have been a way like, that's like a tax dodge.
Like, it's not an empty lot.
It's a pumpkin pile. Oh, maybe, yeah.
Is this a community?
Yeah, it's a community.
Yeah, this is where people gather.
He's getting a grant for doing that is what's going on.
He's getting a government grant.
Yeah, from Big Pumpkin.
I think I'm going to start burying my garbage in that lot across the street.
Burying?
With a shovel?
Yeah, instead of just throwing it there because I feel if I throw it there.
Take pride in your work.
Yeah.
Yeah, like I really want to get, you know, like I want to keep using it.
And you want to get practice for when you need to bury something important.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's harder to bury.
Yeah.
Right?
That's always the thing in those movies where somebody's killed somebody by accident or whatever.
And they're like, got to bury this body.
And they're all of a sudden so good at digging.
Yeah.
There's no way.
First of all, who owns a shovel?
Yeah. Right? Number one. Like you're going to have of all, who owns a shovel? Yeah.
Right?
Like you're going to have to go out and buy a shovel.
That's going to arise.
Yeah.
If you go into a store and you buy a shovel and some lye or whatever, they're going to be like, well, where's the body in the car?
I don't know.
It's in another car.
I'm going to bury the car.
But you're right.
Yeah, just the thought of like.
Like everybody knows how to.
That takes so long.
I know.
Have you shoveled snow lately?
No.
Oh, it's.
I refuse.
It's a full body workout.
It is.
Yeah.
And you're sweating in the cold.
Also, when you're digging, you know, let's say, let's call it what it is,
a grave,
you're going to hit clay pretty quick.
And that's super hard.
Like, you'd have to have a pickaxe
as well to break the clay.
And there are also
a lot of TV
commercials about
gas lines, and you're supposed to
call the gas company.
Oh, yeah.
Before you dig.
Before you dig.
Yeah, of course.
That's how a number
of murderers have been
apprehended.
Electrocuted by gas.
They're either
Like that's how
they were caught.
I'm just wondering
if I'm okay to dig at
How deep are you
planning on digging?
Shallow. Shallow.
Shallow.
Well, like, I don't know.
Like, a body's like how...
A foot and a half.
It's always shallow.
That's why, too, because it's probably like you can't...
You go like, I'm not a pro digger.
Yeah.
Shallow grave, man.
There you go.
Did you listen to Serial, the podcast?
Mm-mm.
Oh, well, they dig a shallow grave.
Or do they?
You decide.
But I think, like, yeah, like, you couldn't, like, there are certain things I wouldn't know how to get rid of.
Like, if you had a refrigerator that you needed to get rid of, I'm completely at a loss.
Because you can't take that to the dump.
Who has a truck?
I think when you buy a new refrigerator, the place will pick it up as they deliver the new one.
And if not, there's got to be a place you could call.
I just Google.
Whenever I don't know those questions, I'm like, where, how do I get rid of an old couch?
Yeah.
How do you get rid of a, yeah.
But like a couch.
A junk man.
A junk man will come.
Yeah.
Yeah.
For like a hundred bucks, you could get someone, a junk man to come.
And you could probably.
And just take a thing.
Probably go in with some friends and be like, hey, I'm calling a junk man. Bring over your junk. Yeah. Yeah. Like a hundred bucks. You get someone, a junk man to come and you could probably take a thing. Probably go in with some friends and be like, Hey, I'm calling a junk man.
Bring over your junk.
Yeah.
Give me.
Let's fill this fridge full of junk.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My fridge is already full of junk.
We weren't going to say anything.
Um, yeah, that's for me.
I'm a, I'm, I'm local junk target. Yeah. Every neighborhood has anything. That's for me. I'm a local junk target.
Yeah.
Every neighborhood has one.
It's not right.
That's not right.
It's not right.
Thank you.
What can you do?
Like, could you set up a fake camera?
I guess I could put, like, motion detectors.
Oh, yeah.
A motion detector would deter them from littering, from dumping.
From dumping.
Yeah.
It's more than littering. Litter. From dumping, yeah.
It's more than littering.
Littering is like when you finish an ice cream sandwich
and you just throw it.
Candy bar wrapper, yeah.
Dumping is like,
here's a fucking
china cabinet.
Yeah, like I'm taking this
out of my house.
I know exactly
where I'm going to leave it.
I'm going to wait till 4 a.m.
That being said,
I have absolutely done it.
Yeah, everybody has.
Sure, everyone's guilty of it.
Yeah, this is a modern world
where you have to separate your recyclables
and your organics.
And a futon.
And a futon.
Now, does this go with food waste?
Yeah.
You used to be able to,
and I don't know if you can still do this,
if you had extra bags of garbage,
you could go to like a grocery store or something
and you could buy a ticket that you attach this was in calgary i don't know you would attach it
to the garbage bag that said like i paid the extra seven bucks or whatever that you pick up this
bag yeah but do they still have i think so okay i don't maybe not here because we we you have to do
it through the bins but in in other
places yeah i think abby grew up in switzerland and i think they had something like that where
you had to buy bags from the city or you could buy a tag from the store yeah yeah yeah because
that was in calgary that we had that really yeah because i remember we were trying to get rid of
because it used to be you just took out garbage bags. Yeah.
You didn't even have cans.
You just had garbage bags out on the corner.
That's just like a raccoon frenzy.
Yeah.
That's a party for coyotes.
Right.
But no rats.
No, that's true.
No rats where we're from.
Maybe that's why.
Maybe we were so comfortable just throwing bags of garbage out on the sidewalk.
Anyway, sorry for bringing up garbage talk.
No, that's great.
It's fascinating to me.
If that's what's going on with you, there are people out there that want to talk about it.
That's right.
People are going through it, too.
Yeah.
You're not the only one.
Thank you.
Yeah.
Graham, what's going on with you?
A couple of things.
I went and got another filling done. Oh, you're the only one who had that. What's going on? you? A couple of things. I went and got another filling done.
Oh, you're the only one who had that.
What's going on?
Do you get a lot of teeth?
I get a lot of tooth situations.
Yeah.
And it feels like my dentist just knows that I'll pay.
It's like he's got a whale, you know, like at a poker game or whatever.
Do you have dental insurance?
No.
So you're paying, yeah.
Yeah, I have a little bit,
but I've already exhausted it.
Uh,
and he's like,
you gotta get a crown.
And I'm like,
how much is that?
And he's like,
ah,
it's about a thousand dollars.
And I was like a thousand dollars.
Well,
I'll just let the tooth fall out.
How about that?
How about I'll just live without that?
Is it like a fancy crown?
Like a king would wear?
Oh,
you know what?
I didn't even ask.'s my fault he's like
well you'd look good with a crown what do i need a crown thousands all it costs we should have been
talking about this during the max fun drive really getting me yeah my teeth me teeth are falling out
yeah please donate so uh this i don't know when the last time you had, like, do you get a lot of dental work done?
I go once a year to the dentist and get, like, a checkup and a clean.
But you don't get fillings, do you?
You've got, like, immaculate teeth.
I'm pretty lucky so far.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dave?
I, since I have dental insurance, my dentist has worked it out and now I go every four months.
Yeah.
That's me.
I'm on this crazy schedule.
And when I went back,
I had like four fillings
all at once.
Wow, really?
For the first time.
Because I didn't have,
didn't go to the dentist
for like 18 to 30.
Yeah.
My golden 20s.
Yeah.
The taffy years.
Yeah.
Oh, boy.
Think of all the candy that was, that came out in the 2000s.
All sorts of new twists on peanut butter filled these things.
Yeah, peanut butter.
That's my one weakness.
Oh, the dentist is always like, stay away from peanut butter.
Peanut butter, yeah.
Skippy, that's your nickname at the office.
So he said, and I just have to take the dentist's word on these things.
I don't know.
But he's like, you got a filling that doesn't look very good.
Like it's an old filling, but it looks like it's starting to fall apart.
It's a confederate filling.
Yeah, and I'm like, well, maybe.
Maybe, maybe not. I'm not going to go to another dentist and get a second. Can I get a confederate filling. Yeah. And I'm like, well, maybe, maybe, maybe not.
I haven't,
I'm not going to go to another dentist.
Can I get a second?
This is the problem.
This is why dentists and mechanics have us.
Right.
They can say whatever they want.
And we're like,
yeah,
okay.
It's all rust proofing.
They do it all rust proofing.
Yeah.
And so.
The undercoating.
So,
you know,
you had to pull this filling out and then he put in.
Did he let you swallow it?
Well, no, he showed it to me and then he flicked it in the trash.
He was like, see?
He could have showed it to you and you would have been like, okay.
Looks like it would have filled the tooth.
You know what?
Put it back.
I like it.
Changed my mind.
Changed my mind.
Yeah.
And so they do a thing when you get a new filling
where you have to
bite down on a thing
and you move your teeth
side to side
to like
I don't know what to do
that for
but
the first time
that I did it
cause like
my whole half
of my face was frozen
he's like
chomp down
and he's like
oh no no stop
and I was like
he's like
you're chomping
like through your tongue oh my god because it was all frozen oh my god no no stop yeah no no stop you don't
know what you're doing oh so now i've had this weird swollen tongue thing and this filling doesn't
it doesn't feel quite right oh i had i had a feeling it didn't feel quite right oh god and
then did you have to go back and get it grinded down?
No, no, it's fine.
The way they did fillings changed over the 15 years.
And it was all like a weird texture.
You can feel it.
But they had to grind yours down?
No, I got to go back, I think.
I have to go back and get it ground down because I keep chomping on the tongue.
Your tongue's getting caught between the filling and your...
Yeah.
Well, then the dentist fucked up and they're going to charge you to file down.
Yeah, of course.
Do you ever go, because Abby has done this, or she's gotten haircuts.
Yeah.
And then she doesn't like them and she goes back and gets them trimmed up for free.
Fixed up, yeah.
I've never done that.
That's a very ballsy proposition.
I don't think I'd be able to do it.
And apparently it's quite common.
Really?
In women haircuts.
Yeah.
And I think they do it with tattoos as well.
Tattoos, I totally.
If you got a botched tattoo.
But not botched, but like,
you said you were done
with this i don't think you are uh yeah i think tattoos i guess haircuts i could see going back
and being like i'm very disappointed in this but why would you go back to the person who
right because they don't give it to you for free. I think. Yeah. He better grind this down for free.
Yeah.
Um,
anyway,
so that,
you know,
that was a thing.
Oh,
yeah.
That's a major thing.
It's the crown is the thing that I'm,
he keeps bringing up.
He's like,
yeah,
how about that crown?
It's a tiara.
And you're like,
I don't know,
make this fucking filling fit my mouth.
And then we'll talk about a crown,
buddy.
One thing at a time,
huh?
Oh, do I need a crown for my filling?
Yeah, exactly.
I don't know.
You got a D on this.
You think you're graduating to a crown?
D minus.
And then I did a show on the weekend,
a corporate show,
which I don't very often get a corporate show.
The corporate comedy of creating.
I know.
Yeah, so I.
And you were eating ice cream.
Was that off?
That was before the show.
That, yeah, you do a clean version of jokes.
Yeah.
But here's the thing.
I don't really have any dirty jokes.
No, you don't.
Graham is a very smart comedian.
Yes. But. Book him No, you don't. Graham is a very smart comedian. Yes.
But, uh...
Book him for your
next corporate function.
But it was out in,
uh, Chilliwack.
And, uh,
which is kind of...
I don't really know
what Chilliwack is,
but it's farm,
kind of farm country.
I think any time
we've mentioned Chilliwack,
I've had to look up
what the band
Chilliwack's songs are.
I wanted to burst
into a Chilliwack song, but I
couldn't remember it.
Gone, gone, gone, she's been gone so long.
She's been gone, gone, gone so long. That's Chilliwack.
My girl.
She meant the world to me.
She's gone.
It's a mystery.
My girl.
Are we going to hit this high note?
It's a mystery.
She's gone. She's gone. Nope.
We tried though.
That was great though.
Yeah.
Chilliwack.
Yeah.
So yeah, Chilliwack.
Corporate and Chilliwack.
Yeah.
And I only got this because local comic and regular guest on the podcast, Ivan Decker.
Lovely guy.
Was unable to do it.
So he passed along.
Communication breakdown.
Oh, nice.
It's them as well, yeah.
Oh, and Fly at Night.
How does that go?
Well, there were so many Canadian songs about flying at night in the 70s.
Rush had Flight by Night.
Joni Mitchell had This Flight Tonight.
And Chilliwack had Fly at Night.
The worst of the three ever.
Anyway.
So, it's a convention of realtors.
Which, for the first five minutes of my set, I'm calling them realtors.
Yep.
Right?
Because that's what you say.
Realtors. Yep. Right? Because that's what you say. And.
But five minutes in, you got corrected?
Oh, yeah.
Somebody's like, Realtor.
And I was like, I don't care.
And I was just doing a set, which I thought was very, just very clean.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
And I had my friend and past guest, Kevin Banner.
He drove me out there.
And he was standing out in the lobby area.
And like 10 minutes into the set, two ladies went out to use the bathroom.
They were like, what do you think of the comedian?
And the one lady that was with her said, ah, geez, I don't know.
He's a little spicy.
that was with her said,
ah, jeez, I don't know,
he's a little spicy.
So I don't know how clean you have to be,
like impossible.
What do you,
what is the joke
or jokes that you think
made her go,
that's a spicy one.
Yeah, I couldn't tell you.
Do you use the word like,
oh, you're shitty.
No, I think I maybe.
Oh, jalapeno.
Like, what were you?
Was I using spicy words?
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah.
I think it's, I think 100.
Did you swear?
Did you swear?
I think I had two swear words in the entire 45 minutes.
And they were the first two words.
And they were both the C word.
And then clean.
And then super clean.
Now that I got that out of my system.
And then, you know, there was,
like, I think a lot of it,
they were judging me just on the way I looked.
And, goodness, which that must have been
where the spicy came from.
Were there no real letters that looked like you?
No real letters?
No.
Realtors were judging you based on your looks, not on your location.
Thank you.
That's awesome.
But seriously, they're very shallow.
Don't they all just like, I got to have a nice car to park outside these houses?
I don't know.
I know at one point I was making fun of the awards.
I was like, oh, thank you guys.
I don't think I'd ever have notepads or fridge magnets if it weren't for you guys.
But it was, I think I did very poorly.
Okay.
But I always feel like that at a corporate.
I've never done a corporate where I'm like, that was good.
They had a good time.
I feel good about it.
Have you?
Yeah, but there are always the corporates where you show up and you're like, all right, so this is a corporate.
And they're like, well, yeah, but, you know, have a good fucking time.
And you're like, oh, okay, so this is not a corporate.
But whenever it's like actual, you know, it's never.
Because nobody's really just.
And isn't it always an event where it's like, and this year we decided to get a comedian.
Comedian.
We're going to try that out.
Yeah.
Or like lunchtime comedy.
Like I've done corporates for like bankers at lunchtime.
Oof.
Yeah.
Oof.
Yeah, man.
At like a Chinese restaurant and they had their Chinese buffet first and then they all
finished their meals and then they were like,
and for a special treat, TD Bank.
Oh, really?
Yeah, I did stand up for them in a Chinese restaurant. And like, when you, it has to be so clean.
Like, it has to be so clean.
By clean, this is what I think clean is.
No swearing, no sex.
Yeah, because I didn't talk anything.
There's no sex talk. No sexual innuendos. Graham's never had sex. Yeah. Yeah, so either can. I can Yeah, because I didn't talk anything. There's no sex talk.
Graham's never had sex.
Yeah, so either can't.
I can't write what I don't know.
Exactly.
And then, but then there was.
How did they find you?
Oh, it was Ivan Decker's.
A sex website.
Yeah, I'm on AshleyMadison.com.
Do you.
Where you find a lot of re-letters. A lot of re-letters are on Ashley Madison. on ashleymadison.com Do you...
Where you find a lot of re-letters.
A lot of re-letters are on Ashley Madison.
I forgot my
question. Go on. Yeah, well, the...
I don't know. Like, I
feel like you need to kind of...
I feel like what you need to do
is just name a price that's inconceivable.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
That's generally been my experience.
And then just either you won't have to do it or you'll get paid more than you should.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But, yeah, I don't know.
You know, like, I don't know what to do with a corporate.
And then I have a joke.
There's no winning.
No.
But I have a joke about this Bible store.
Yeah.
It's not about the Bible.
But they clenched up like a bear trap.
Because the moment you say Bible, they go religion, religion.
This is a, oh, someone here.
And I had to stop.
And I was like, you guys aren't listening to the joke.
You literally heard the word Bible and you're shutting down.
And then they started laughing at the joke.
But they had to be told, hey, you heard a trigger word. Yeah. And now you're just done with the joke but they had to be told right hey you heard a trigger word yeah and now
you're just done with oh totally and it was so i was like and i called them on it and it worked
like the joke they were like we acknowledge yeah we should have listened but as soon as i said
bible they were like just like yeah done which is crazy because the joke is about a store that
only sells Bibles.
Yeah.
Just hilarious.
Yeah.
A bibliotech, if you will.
But even some lady afterwards, she was like, oh, you're in the wrong place to be talking about the Bible.
I was like, I was not talking about the Bible.
You still didn't catch it.
It sounds like I'm in the right place to be talking about the Bible because your love is so much.
Your love is so much.
But then the great part about this corporate was it was at a Best Western Hotel.
And you had to walk through the lobby and then through an area that had like a pool and a hot tub.
Yeah.
And Kevin Banner nailed it.
He's like, this is every hockey trip that I've ever been on.'s the smell right now i was like yep like chlorine pool pizza pizza in the hallway because parents are buying
yeah just smells like fun right yeah you smell chlorine pool unless you're an adult and you're
like oh hey oh great there's a volleyball tournament in my hotel this weekend yeah cool
they're gonna be running up and down the halls.
Fabulous.
Oh, why couldn't I have been staying at the drama dorm?
Exactly.
In Vermillion.
Yeah.
In Vermillion.
Yeah.
What about Vulcan, Alberta?
Did they do anything for Leonard Nimoy?
Oh, that's a good question.
I bet you that was a big day.
I bet you it was.
I bet you they did.
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Didn't make the national press. No. you it was. I bet you they did. Mm-hmm. All right. Didn't make the national press.
No.
Did it not?
Well, maybe it did.
Well, not the Vulcan thing.
Oh, okay.
But Leonard Nimoy did.
Yeah, I was like, I was sure.
I was like, wait, what?
Yeah.
No, yeah, no.
Yeah, it only made a few blogs.
Surprised I heard about it.
I'm surprised I even heard about it.
Oh, you guys, do you want to move on to overheards?
Yeah. Oh, you guys, do you want to move on to overheards? Yeah.
Oh, I love overheards.
Hello, buddies.
I'm Travis McElroy.
And I'm Andy Bolt.
And we're the hosts of Bunker Buddies.
We're a podcast where we're amateur survivalists and we talk about things like the apocalypse.
And we talk about zombies and preparedness.
What are you going to wear when it's the apocalypse?
And you have no idea if you don't listen to our show.
It comes out every Wednesdays on MaximumFun.org and on iTunes.
Sometimes we try weird foods or we talk about where to camp or how to avoid getting eaten or any of these things.
Yeah, so listen to us because it might just save your life.
We'll see you in the bunker.
Bye.
Hi, I'm Julie Sabatier, host of Rendered, a show about making meaning and breaking rules.
Tune in to hear how learning to butcher could change your life,
why turning to the internet for health advice is sometimes a good idea,
and what happens when artists are really honest.
I mean, I just, I think of most of my career in music and art as a bunch of failures, you know?
So what keeps you going with it then?
Check out Rendered now at MaximumFun.org
or wherever you like to listen to podcasts.
Overheard.
Overheard's a segment in which all the people, all the single ladies.
All the single ladies?
Yeah, all the single ladies go out there in the world.
They listen to what everybody has to say, and then they report back here to the podcast.
Now, we always like to start with the guest.
So, Allison, take us away.
Okay.
My latest Overheard just happened in Calgary, Alberta Alberta when I was doing comedy Monday night at Broken City.
Yeah.
And I.
That's kind of like a cool venue, isn't it?
It's a great venue. Yeah, it is a cool venue. It is a cool venue. And I heard a girl say that she was saying to her girlfriend, oh, well, he just texted me and said he met somebody that he wants to spend time with.
So I guess I'm done with him.
Oh.
I guess I'm done with him.
And I was like, no, he's done with you.
You're not done with him.
He's done with you. He's moved on.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
But she's putting her own.
Yeah.
She's trying to control the store.
Exactly.
Get out in front of this.
But like said what happened
so he says he wants
to spend more time
with this other girl
so I guess I'm
done with him
I guess I'm over this
whole situation
and then another girl
says what was her
defense
well don't worry about it
in Calgary
in Calgary
there are apparently
20,000 single men
sure
more
waiting to talk to you
on the phone.
Yeah, waiting.
More than women.
There's apparently a mass amount of single men in Calgary.
So move right on, sister.
So move on.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah.
Plenty of fish in the sea.
Yes, she's done with them.
Sea stands for Calgary.
I guess, yeah.
That's weird.
Like there's so many more men? Yeah. Well, I, yeah. That's weird. Like,
that there's so many more men?
Yeah.
Well,
no,
because all the rigs,
it's a rig worker area,
right?
So it's all the rig workers
go up there
and then they kind of
stay in the Calgary area.
Well,
what about rig working women?
We can do it.
We'll see the rig worker.
We are trying,
but it's still the numbers.
It's not fair.
The oily ceiling.
It's not a fair world.
All right? It's, there's gender disc not fair. The oily ceiling. It's not a fair world. All right?
There's gender discrepancies.
The oily ceiling?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Gross.
Dave, do you have an over here?
Mine is an overseen,
and it comes from the bike room
at the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation
here in Vancouver.
Your favorite place in the world.
Yeah, which is, I think I've talked about it before.
It's like the epicenter of smugness.
Because first, it's a public broadcaster.
Second, it's the bike area.
Yeah.
And it's in Vancouver.
And there's a whiteboard.
There's a whiteboard where people write messages
that are always corny jokes.
Yeah. Or like very sweet sincere like what a beautiful day like people are very thankful for like nice biking weather yeah and um does april ever
love jason in those areas like is it ever like i love april loves um no I don't think so. It's like a lot of, yeah, just kind.
Positive.
Thoughts.
Unless someone has damaged the bike pump.
Because we all need to use that.
So someone needs to start respecting things.
Otherwise, we're just going to have to bring our own bike pumps.
And then it's going to be chaos.
What is that? But that would be chaos just everyone with their bike so loud
but there have been two jokes corny jokes that have been on the wall for a while one has an
answer and one does not the one without an answer, how does a snowman ride to work?
Okay.
Which I would guess an icicle.
Oh, that's pretty good.
I think ride is the key there.
Because I was just going to say a toboggan, but that's not a joke answer.
It's just, you know.
Both of those are excellent, though.
Can I say that?
Both of those answers are excellent. And then the other icicles good though and then there's one underneath that it
says uh what does a snowman eat for breakfast yellow snow and the answer is frosted snowflakes
which is not good no no that's not good no but that's been there for a couple weeks
and then someone someone today had just, what does your mom eat for breakfast?
Which is very out of character for the bike room.
Yeah, the bike pump area.
Newbie.
Oh, yeah.
Your mom likes a nice bike pump.
What does your mom eat for breakfast?
I mean, the possibilities are endless.
Does she eat a lot of things?
Does she eat something slutty?
Did she eat an army boot?
Could be anything.
Anything.
You don't know my mom.
You don't know my mom.
Exactly.
Did she eat something slutty?
Give me an example
of a slutty thing
one could eat.
Well, I'm not going to say it.
Crotchless panties.
She ate them right in front of me.
I was just going to say it. Crotchless panties. She ate them right in front of me.
I was just going to say cack.
I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.
I love you so much.
That's how I started
my corporate.
Gurira just said cack.
I don't like to start
with a riddle.
What is your mommy
for breakfast?
Gun, gun, gun, she be gun, gun, gun, gun, with a riddle uh what is your mommy for breakfast it's chilliwack people do you get it god now on to the bible yeah that's great oh lord uh graham overheard yeah i uh this is like uh like i came in i came in too late on this overheard because I had earbuds in.
And there was a couple that was, you know, they were day drinking and they were talking so loud.
But I couldn't hear what they were saying.
And then they laughed hysterically.
So I was like, oh, I'm going to take the earbuds out and get, you know, what are they laughing at?
And all I caught was on the tail end where the lady said, but seriously, he's on disability.
And I was like, oh, what was that?
What was the big laugh I missed?
What kind of disability?
Something pretty mean, I guess.
Yeah, it was probably something pretty mean.
They were, you know, like I say, they were a couple of day drinkers on the bus.
Day drinkers on the bus.
Yeah.
Day drinkers on the bus. It's weird when you can smell them, you know, when you get on the bus danger on the bus yeah day drinkers on the bus it's weird when
you can you can smell them you know when you get on the bus you're like oh yeah it's a real you
know aroma yeah yeah yeah brewery smell oh a yeasty brewery smell yes yeah i've run into a
lot of people because again manchester big bus city lots of buses oh really i take buses in that city yeah they don't really have like i'm back to manchester everyone yeah bus city big bus city
it's all about buses buses buses bus capital over northern england so yeah and you can um
um sporty spices from mel c she may be is Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she's married to a, is she, is it, or is it Posh Spice that's married to?
David Beckham.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But he wasn't a Manchester, was he?
Was he a Man U?
Yeah.
Guy?
Yeah.
Now he plays for the LA Galaxy?
I think he's retired now.
What?
At such a young age.
He's got so many years left with that hair.
Yeah.
Now we also have... Anyway, you were
saying about buses?
What? There's no subway in Manchester?
No. But just, yeah, a lot of
yeasty smell sometimes from daytime
drinkers. Without a subway, what do you mind?
If not the gap.
Sorry.
Remember that one time I said
something funny oh boy
no that was
really good
I want you to know
you're too kind
that would be
killing the UK
that would be
killing the UK
oh boy they love it
that's fucking
dynamite
they're drunk
now we also have
overheard sent in
if you want to
send one in
you can send it
into spy
at maximumfun.org
this first one
comes from laura
in new zealand uh are you were you excited about that yeah i just get excited to hear other people's
ones i'm like oh yeah absolutely fun yeah i work in a preschool and the other day the kids were all
sitting eating their lunch and making conversation at one table a little girl says to the other kids
at the table how old are you they
go around the table and find out that they're all four years old oh she says wistfully don't we all
want to be five which was met with equally wistful yeah Oh, yeah. Oh, five. Yeah. Five, you get to, I don't know, go to kindergarten.
Yeah, you're half a decade in.
You stop counting year and a half.
I'm not four and a half.
I'm five.
Yeah.
When you're five, like, you've really arrived.
You've arrived at five.
Just the image of all the kids agreeing is the funniest thing.
Yeah.
Can't wait till five.
Oh, I can't wait to lose some teeth.
Yeah.
I don't know.
I don't remember anything before 10.
No, me neither.
I have no memories.
Well, I don't remember anything three years ago.
You were a big pothead as a five-year-old.
I can choose my memories at this point.
Thursday didn't happen.
Tuesday did.
I only got so much room.
This red cross is on the calendar.
All right.
This next one comes from M. Kopass.
I don't know their first name.
Oh, good for them.
This is in Brooklyn.
This is in Brooklyn.
This is a guy telling his kid shot by shot retellings of the key scenes in Jurassic Park.
Okay.
So the dad's telling the kid?
Yeah.
The main points of the movie, Kit.
He went on to praise the movie's blending of science fiction and real science, claiming that one day science really would be able to bring back dinosaurs his son who'd been sitting wrapped with attention throughout suddenly spoke up said very matter-of-factly i hope i'm dead by then
smart kid he knows what happens he watched jurassic park's like, I hope I am out of the game.
Just like I fully hope mankind achieves this milestone,
and I don't want to be around.
I hope I'm dead.
Good luck, guys.
Well, because it's, I mean, even the new movie,
where they seem to have everything under control,
they still figure out a way to fuck it up. You control dinosaurs?
I don't care who you think you are. Yeah, that's true.
Dinosaurs. Yeah, dinosaurs.
Exactly. Dinosaurs.
Dinosaurs? Dinosaurs.
You know what I like is those
dino sour eggs. Oh, yeah.
They are good. I like any sort of sour candy.
They got layers to it.
It's like a hard candy. Is it like a gobstopper?
It's like a tiny gobstopper.
I actually don't remember if they're sour or not.
Yeah.
They've got a sour tinge to them.
Yeah.
I don't know exactly what candy you're talking about.
Tart.
It's more of a tart, not a sour tart.
They're tart and tiny.
Yeah.
Ooh.
But they're not.
Oh.
And this final one comes from Bobby in California, or Bobby, California.
Oh.
Yeah. It comes from Bobby in California or Bobby, California. Oh. Overheard this evening in the local hipster produce market.
Young girl to dad.
What is this thing?
Dad to girl.
It's a red cabbage.
Do you know what a red cabbage is?
Girl to dad.
No.
Dad pauses.
Sighs heavily.
Replies.
I guess I don't know either really i was hoping you'd know okay you're still in school i thought maybe they'd be teaching you
whether they put the cabbage unit yet yeah when do you learn about the differences between slaws. Cole and other.
Hickama.
Yeah, I'm in slaw 20.
Because it would be 10, 20, 30, right?
In school?
No, maybe that was just Alberta.
I guess so.
You'd take slaw 10.
Slaw 10, then slaw 20.
In what grades?
You were a slow learner,
then you'd take slaw 23 or SLA 33.
That's right.
Yeah.
I know because I took math 13, 23, 33.
Then I went back for a year and upgraded and got my 30.
There it is.
Thank you.
Dreams come true.
Yeah.
What years do you take 10, 20, and 30?
10, 11, 12.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
So I don't understand.
Okay.
So let's say you're in grade 10.
You would take math 10.
Okay.
Then you're in grade 11.
You would take math 20.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
Because that's what we did.
We just named them after the grade you were in.
No, no, no.
10, 20, 30 for some reason.
Yeah.
That is weird.
Yeah.
In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.
Oh, these are my favorite.
This is my favorite.
This is my favorite part.
Hearing people say it.
Oh, that's so good.
If you want to be a person who says it and have us hear it, call us at 206-339-8328 like these people have.
Hey, Dave and Graham.
This is Lindsay in Santa Monica, and I have an overheard for you.
will have hey david and graham this is lindsay in santa monica and i haven't overheard for you so i was walking around uh the outdoor mall in our area and a uh gentleman and his lady friend
were strolling along the street in front of me and a police officer kind of touched the man's arm and said, hey, no vaping on the promenade.
Gross.
But yes, correct.
No vaping on the promenade. I just feel like the cop should have shortened it to not.
No vaping on the not.
No vaping at the prom.
Oh, no vaping at the prom.
Our prom theme was no vaping.
Apparently, BC's just come out with a,
like a new,
uh,
rule of when you can vape and not vape.
where you can vape.
Oh boy.
With this whole,
you're allowed to vape.
Is this going to be about where you can and can't smoke in our two provinces?
No,
but it's,
uh,
you know,
like all of a sudden there's,
cause there were dudes who just took this as their invitation to smoke a thing inside. Oh, right. Yeah. So they just, uh, all of a sudden there's, because there were dudes who just took this as their invitation to smoke a thing inside.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
So they just all of a sudden, like, there was somebody like with their magical flute.
Oh, yeah.
Blowing weird chemical smoke in the air.
Everywhere.
Everywhere in the UK.
Really?
That's all of it.
E-cigs are the thing, a vape.
People vaporize all the time.
Do they call them E-fags?
No, but I want them to.
They did in the raving days.
No, yeah, but everyone vapes.
Everywhere you go, vape, vape, vape.
Which I think is interesting.
Are they smoking things that look like cigarettes or these giant recorder looking?
Either or, right?
They light up and they're all a, they smell like tropical mint.
Yes.
Tropical mint.
Yes.
Tropical mint is exactly what they smell like, Dave.
Yeah.
Papayan.
But it is like, it's a very like, pay attention to me.
I'm vaping.
I'm vaping.
Yeah.
They should have.
I'm Mardi Gras.
They should make like one of those old timey deep sea diving helmets.
Yes.
For vaping.
Where you just put on the helmet and then you're just in it.
Yeah.
And then no one has to deal with it.
And you can't drive.
Because it's very cloudy.
All right.
Here's your next phone call.
Hi, Dave and Graham and possible guests.
This is Eden from Poco.
I just had an overdreamt.
I went on a class trip to Russia,
and I didn't tell my parents.
Oh, Graham, you were scolding me because I hadn't told them.
And Dave, you said these exact words.
No, fuck your parents
Russia is for winners
Russia is for
winners
coffee is for closers and Russia is for winners
wow
no and Dave he said these exact
words no fuck your
parents
meanwhile you told your parents you were just going to a sleepover.
But really, you were going to Moscow.
To Russia.
With us for some reason.
Overdreamt, you guys.
I've never heard an overdreamt.
Well.
Yeah.
Get on board.
Yeah.
It's happening.
Call us immediately.
I didn't know that was an option.
Oh, it's an option.
But it has to be of that quality.
Yeah.
It will be.
We get a lot of them.
I don't play them all, but we get a lot of them that involve us.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Because I think what kind of dreams involve you guys?
Have you ever had ones where you're like, we'll keep them, but we're not going to air them?
Yeah, these are for the old secret stash.
Secret stash is a very corporate term for Spank Tank. Thank you. Yeah. Oh, secret stash. Secret stash is a very corporate term
for Spank Bank. Thank you.
Oh, secret stash. Yeah, you can totally
say that.
You know what I'm saying, fellas? Secret stash.
Now let's go watch a porno
together in a movie theater.
Not in a movie theater.
In like, my buddy's
putting up a bed sheet.
Fabulous.
Yeah, no, I think it's people fall asleep to the show.
Yeah.
And then they...
I love it.
Rush is for women.
I'm going to start listening to you guys at night.
We maybe even said that in the show and they just interpreted it as a dream.
All right, here's your final overheard of 2015.
Hi, Dave, Graham, and possible guests.
I'm Harry, and this is a hungover dial.
That's what happens when you wait too long to send a drunk dial.
End an overheard.
Hung overheard.
Hung overheard.
A little drunk.
Correct.
So, the last day I was walking down the street,
and I heard this woman scream talking to the person she was with.
And she said, don't go to the party to get turned up.
Go to the party.
No, fuck.
Don't go to the party to tweet.
Go to the party to get.
Okay.
She said, don't go to the party to tweet about going to the party.
Go to the party to get turned up.
And then tweet about getting turned up.
It was great.
Sorry, I got it wrong.
Happy birthday. Bye. What did he say? He said happy birthday. up and then tweet about getting turned up it was great sorry i got it wrong first day bye
what did he say he said happy birthday oh happy birthday
oh i liked it it's just so no wait no wait wait i love it when you know what if he had nailed it
we never would have played it no no that's the important thing i don't even care all right
i really liked how tickled he was with hungover yeah like right after that he said oh i guess i'm
still a little drunk so cute yes you are that's great i've never woken up and like the few times
i've woken up and still been a little bit drunk, I have not been in a good mood about it.
No, you don't be like, oh, I've got something I got to call and tell someone about that happened.
Yeah.
That's brilliant.
Yeah.
I used to do that with a lot of, because I used to work at like a coffee shop and I had to be there at like five in the morning.
I wouldn't stop drinking until like two in the morning.
So I just wake up and I'd be like, Oh, guess I'm drunk.
You know,
that behavior is called alcoholism.
That reminds me,
actually,
I won't do your jokes,
but that reminds me of a joke you did at one time.
I heard you at.
Which one?
The one about drunk Graham and sober Graham.
Drunk Graham leaves him.
I love getting things from drunk Graham. Drunk Graham leaves him. I love getting things from Drunk Graham.
Based on a true story.
I love that.
That was one of my all-time favorites because I'm like, yeah, Drunk Allison and Sober Allison are two different people.
Yeah.
High Allison's always even keel in the middle, knows what's going on.
Yeah.
Which one likes horror movies the most?
Oh, High Allison.
Oh, yeah.
Probably Stoner Allison.
Sober Allison could appreciate a good horror movie, though.
Drunk Allison, though.
Drunk Allison doesn't have enough attention eventually.
Fair enough.
Yeah.
Sober.
Yeah, she wants to go streaking or something.
She's wild.
So that brings us to the end of the show.
Do you have anything that you would like to plug?
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
Wait, when does this come out? Yeah, I was going to say, when does this air? I mean, does it even? Oh, okay, yeah. Wait, when does this come out?
Yeah, I was going to say, when does this air?
I mean, does it even?
Oh, boy.
Does it even air?
Let me get back to you on that.
Yeah, no problem.
Okay, well.
It'll, okay.
Okay, well, for both's sake then.
No, in the beginning of April.
Okay, so I am performing this weekend that no one will be able to see.
Oh, no, that's true.
Lord, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
No, not really.
I just, I'm in the UK.
So if you're in the UK.
We got listeners in the UK.
I believe you do.
I know you do.
Do you have any weekends booked in April
that you're doing anywhere?
No, do I have any weekends booked in April?
Go ahead and look.
Yeah, I'm looking at my phone right now.
I have some,
maybe I'm in Newcastle.
This is exciting to say these things.
Oh, what are the people from there called again?
Newbies. Geordies. Geordies. Oh, what are the people from there called again? Newbies.
Geordies.
Geordies.
Yeah, Geordies.
Newbies.
I'm going to be like, actually, you're a new name, Geordies.
Why are they called Geordies?
Because Newcastle, they were King George's men.
So they're called Geordies.
That was, who was talking to us about the Geordie Shore?
Oh, yeah, that's like.
Yeah, yeah.
Nicole, maybe?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Geordie Shore. Oh, do you know what's funny okay people in the uk this is great i will be opening i have a whole bunch of
dates coming up i'm opening for stewart francis oh get out who is yes so funny so you know there
are comedians that you watch sometime and you go oh they're they're really funny, really funny. And then you see someone who is like a master
at what they do
and it just blows your mind.
Like I watch Stewart
compared to a few other comedians
and I will not say their names.
Don't do.
No, no, I won't
because I don't.
But it's just,
he shines.
Like he's head and,
not a wasted word,
such a good writer,
great performer,
has done so much.
Corporate clean.
Yeah.
Can be.
Can be.
I bet he can be.
But can also really throw out a good fisting joke if needed.
He can put like.
He can really fill a spank.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, he can.
So I'll be opening for him for like in May, June, May and June.
And then I think maybe there's some more dates coming up in September.
So, yeah, that's my big fancy one right now.
That's awesome.
Yeah, yeah.
That's in the UK?
Yes.
Yeah.
Variety of places.
Stuartfrancis.com, maybe?
Or.co.uk?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Anywhere in the UK.
From Strapinsingshire to the...
Cockenshot.
Yeah, to Stonehenge.
Cockenshot. You play Stonehenge? Yes Yeah, to Stonehenge. Cock and shot.
You play Stonehenge?
Yes, I play Stonehenge.
You guys play in the Henge?
Oh, my God.
You know what shows in the Henge are like.
Oh, man.
Such corporate druids.
Do we have to plug anything?
I don't.
All right.
Well, thanks, everybody, for donating to the MaxFunDrive.
And head over to MaximumFun.org for pictures and videos of the things we mentioned on the show today.
Certainly the music of Chilliwack.
Oh, absolutely.
That horror movie that you liked very much.
Thirteen Sins.
Thirteen Sins, yeah.
And maybe some stag films if I can dig some up.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey, you know what's so cool?
Sorry, I know you want to end the show,
but last time when we talked about horror movies
and we talked about Microwave Massacre,
can I tell you how many people sent me links
to copies of Microwave Massacre
or their favorite clips of Microwave Massacre?
So I just enjoyed it so much
that if there is anyone that wants to send me clips
to their favorite horror movie things, I got so many off of doing the podcast.
Yeah.
What's your Twitter handle?
My Twitter handle is Allison J. Smith.
Okay.
And Allison June Smith on Facebook.
And it's Allison A-L-L-Y.
Yeah.
A-L-L-Y.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you for putting that on.
No problem.
You're so great.
Thanks for being our guest.
Oh, you guys, thank you for having me on.
It is such a treat to be able to chat with you guys.
Treats all on this side of the table.
If you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Boggling Yourself. When you put on deodorant, how many swipes do you do?
One.
Two.
Ten.
Ten?
Dave, you do it too much.
You're like...
You're just putting the money in the pocket of a big right guard.
A big armpit.
Yeah, exactly.
Because when I was just reapplying now, I was like, well, I'm only going to be awake for like two more hours.
But when you wake up in the morning, you'll be like, hello, handsome.
So six more swipes just now.
Six in the evening.
Well, just because I had to stop myself from doing 10.
That's like a full spackle.
Yeah.
When you say one, you just one down?
Yeah.
Like, no.
Oh, maybe one down, one up.
Yeah, I do one down, one up. That's why I was going to say two. I go like. Oh, two. Yeah. Like, no. Oh, maybe one down, one up. Yeah, I do one down, one up.
That's why I was going to say two.
I go like.
Oh, two.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, I do five down, five up.
Like this?
It's interesting though, Dan.
No, no.
One like back and forth, back and forth?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's interesting that you've started to talk about that because recently, sometimes, I'm like, what's going on?
It's not a coincidence.
Yeah, you're going through it,
I'm going through it.
No, I brought it up because I need to talk to you about it.
Oh, me about it?
How many times?
So overheard, are we ready?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
I was just going to ask,
do we get smellier as we get older?
Because you would think you would have hit peak smell
teenage years because you're nothing but smells.
Yeah.
You don't hit peak pubes teenage years.
No, that's true.
I don't know.
I'm going to do some research on this.
I'll get back to both of you.
Go smell some teens.
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